Nuncrackers (2001) - full transcript

(holiday music)

- Hi everybody.
(audience clapping)

Thank you, thank you.

Hi there.

Hello on top.

Hello.

How are you, how are you?

- Are you guys smiling?

- Hello, good to see you.

What a nice Catholic girl you are huh?

That's nice.



Oh save it for Reverend Mother please.

We don't applaud when she comes out.

Good to see you.

- Hey, good to see you, hello there.

- Nice to see you.

It's so good to see you.

- Hello there.

- Nice to see you.

Oh I like that.

(holiday music)
(people chattering)

- Did you all go to mass today?

Yesterday, okay, on Thursday?

That's okay (laughing).

well should we get this thing going here?



Yo everybody how you doing huh?

(audience cheering)

All right.

- [Amnesia] Hey how are
ya, how ya doin' over here?

- All right.

Welcome, welcome to the
studios of WCON-TV Hoboken,

formerly known as Mount Saint
Helen's Convent basement.

Huh? (laughing)
(audience laughing)

I'm Sister Robert Ann
from Brooklyn, New York.

Could you tell?
(audience clapping)

Thank you, God bless you, thank you.

On behalf of all of us, thank you so much

for coming out and being a part

of our very first
Christmas TV special, yeah.

(audience clapping)

Whoo! (laughing)

Before we get started here,

how about a nice hand for our
studio band, The Upper Room.

Give 'em a hand!

(audience clapping)

And now I'd like to introduce to you

our mistress of novices
this is Sister Mary Hubert.

Give her a hand.

- Hello everybody.
(audience clapping)

Thank you.

- She is second in command.

Here's to you Sister.
- Oh.

- Yes (laughing).

And over here is Sister Mary Paul.

(audience clapping)

- Hi all (laughing).

- Now folks, we would not be here tonight

had she not won

the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!

(audience clapping)

- Yeah, that's where we got the money

to build our TV studio.
- That's right.

Oh now some of you may be expecting

to see Sister's little
friends, Sister Marionette.

Reverend Mother said
she'd really appreciate it

if that puppet didn't make an appearance

in the Christmas program.

- Ah.
- Oh, I almost forgot,

don't get confused

if you hear us call
Sister Mary Paul, Amnesia.

You may have read about
how she lost her memory

when a crucifix fell on her head.

- Yeah, but she's back to normal now.

Well.
(audience laughing)

- And this is Father Virgil,

he's our announcer for this evening.

(audience clapping)
- Hi folks.

- Now he is also host of
his own country radio show.

So he's been very helpful to all of us

in putting on a show together

and he's Sister Mary
Leo's real-life brother.

- Yeah, hey where is Leo anyway?

- I don't know.

- Here I am.
(audience laughing)

I'm warming up for the ballet.
- Oh I like that dress.

Now you break a leg honey.
- Okay.

You may know that when my
sister entered the convent,

she planned to dedicate her
life to God through the dance,

but up until now Reverend Mother
hasn't let her wear a tutu.

(audience laughing)

- Reverend Mother is very strict

about the traditional habit.

- But since Christmas
is a special occasion,

she's made an exception.

- Oh not only that, tonight,
Reverend Mother's good friend,

star of stage, screen, and television,

Mr. John Ritter will be narrating
our ballet via satellite.

- Well!
(audience clapping)

- And also tonight we have with us,

the winners of our talent
contest at Mount Saint Helen's.

Bring 'em on out, here they are.

(audience clapping)

Introduce yourselves kids, go on.

- John Kelly, grade 12,
Sister Marie Eugene.

I'm the president of the senior class,

president of the National Honor Society

three years in a row,

president of the drama club.
- Thank you John Kelly.

Very nice.
- Louise Mayfield, grade nine,

Sister Mary Robert Anne.
- Yeah, that's good.

(audience laughing)

- Billy Wilson, grade
three, Sister Mary Rita.

- Maria Montini, grade six,
Sister Mary Vincent DePaul.

- All right, let's give
'em all a big hand huh.

(audience clapping)

Nice try buddy, okay.

Okay you guys can all go back stage.

We'll see you in a little bit.

Have a good show.

- Sister Winifred, you all set?

- Just about, I'll let you
know when tape is rolling.

- I'm going out there.

- But Mike, it's Winifred.

Are you ready on camera?

Sister Theresa, tape is rolling.

- Tape is rolling in five, four, three.

- Ladies and gentlemen, friends and foes,

public access viewers of
the greater Hoboken area

and others, please put your hands together

for the principle of Mount
Saint Helen's School.

Our very own Reverend
Mother, Sister Mary Regina!

(audience clapping)

(lips smacking)

- Thank you, thank you so much.

I am just so happy to be
your host this evening

for WCON-TVs first Christmas special.

And so now, let the celebration begin.

Take it away Father.

♪ Christmas time is nunsense time ♪

♪ At Mount Saint Helen's School ♪

♪ Christmas time is funsense time ♪

♪ And joy is the rule ♪

♪ It's time when colored lights appear ♪

♪ A time of merriment and cheer ♪

♪ A time when Robert Anne sneaks off ♪

♪ To Clancy's for a beer ♪

- What?
- A root beer.

Reverend Mother root beer.

- Yeah sure and I'm Santa Claus.

- No you're not.

♪ Feel the spirit ♪

♪ Heed the call ♪

♪ Forget your troubles ♪

♪ Have a ball ♪

♪ Nunsense is for one and all ♪

♪ When you trim a Christmas tree ♪

♪ You have a single star ♪

♪ You place it on the top so
it shines out near and far ♪

♪ Reverend Mother you're the tops ♪

♪ Oh but we've got stars galore ♪

♪ And to make your Christmas merry ♪

♪ We got Mary's by the score ♪

♪ Sister Mary Hubert ♪

♪ Sister Mary Paul ♪

♪ Sister Mary Robert Anne ♪

♪ Sister Mary Leo ♪

♪ Sister Mary Leo's
brother Father Virgil ♪

♪ And Sister Mary Regina
your Mother Superior ♪

♪ Christmas time is nunsense time ♪

♪ At Mount Saint Helen's School ♪

♪ Christmas time is funsense time ♪

♪ And joy is the rule ♪

♪ Though you may call this time Hanukah ♪

♪ Or Kwanza or the yule ♪

♪ We invite you all to join the fun ♪

♪ At Mount Saint Helen's School ♪

♪ Christmas time is nunsense time ♪

♪ At Mount Saint Helen's School ♪

♪ Christmas time is funsense time ♪

♪ When joy is the rule ♪

♪ It's time when herald angels sing ♪

♪ And jingle bells begin to ring ♪

♪ Time when all the kids are wondering ♪

♪ What will Santa bring ♪

♪ Feel the spirit ♪

♪ Heed the call ♪

♪ Forget your troubles ♪

♪ Have a ball ♪

♪ Nunsense is for one and all ♪

(audience clapping)

- Ladies and gentlemen, now Father Virgil

has already told you about
Sister Mary Leo wanting

to become the first nun ballerina.

(audience laughing)

Well tonight her dream has come true.

Sister Mary Leo is going to dance

in Mount Saint Helen's own adaptation

of "The Ball Breaker."
(audience laughing)

- What did you just say?
(audience laughing)

- Sister Mary Leo is going to
dance in "The Ball Breaker."

(audience laughing)
- Who told you that Amnesia?

- Sister Robert Anne.
- Mm-hmm.

(audience laughing)
The name of the ballet sister

is "The Nutcracker."
(audience laughing)

- "The Nutcracker."
- Good.

Robert Anne I'm gonna throttle you.

- (laughing) And now to
narrate "The Nutcracker"

please welcome via satellite,
our very special guest,

Mr. John Ritter, yeah!

(audience clapping)

- Once upon a time there
was a very nice family

in a very nice town.

They lived in a very nice house,

complete with very nice mice

and a very nice cat, except
when it came to the mice.

Then the cat was, well,
there's no other way to put it,

a killer.

The mice lived behind the living room wall

and they never came
out because of the cat.

They worked there, they ate
there, they slept there,

they even voted there.

And that's where our story begins.

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house

not a creature was
stirring, not even a mouse.

(upbeat music)

What's happening?

Well, it's seems the cat
is away on tour starring

in her very own show so
the mice are celebrating.

♪ Joy to the world the cat's away ♪

♪ And so the mice can play ♪

♪ The cat's a Broadway star ♪

♪ And she has gone so far ♪

♪ That she can't catch us here ♪

♪ Let's all give a cheer ♪

♪ For we both can play and
sing and have no fear ♪

(mice squeaking)
(audience clapping)

- Every year Mayor Stahlbaum
gave a lavish Christmas party

for his son Fritz and his daughter Clara.

(woman screaming)
What the heck was that?

- What happened?
- I didn't mean to do it,

she just tripped.

- Oh, oh dear.

Stop tape Sister Winifred, stop tape.

- Time out, time out.

- Sister Leo got her toenail.
- Oh no!

- Oh no, oh, oh dear Virgil,

go see about her.

- Oh, now we can't do our ballet.

- And we practiced so hard.
- And my grandmother's here.

- It's not fair.
- Now, now, now, now, now,

just calm down, calm down.

You see first we have to
see if Sister Leo's okay

and then we'll figure out
something to do, don't you worry.

Just go back and get ready
for your next song please.

Go on and tell Maria that it's all right.

- Hey Rev, I could do it, come on.

It's my big chance.
(audience laughing)

- Robert Anne, what we
need is a sugar plum fairy,

not a dancing ham.
(audience laughing)

- Give me a break Rev, hey, we
can't disappoint those kids.

Somebody's gotta be the sugar plum fairy.

- Yeah that's right, somebody's gotta be,

but I'll go out there before
I let you go out there.

- But look I've been practicing.

Look I can--
- Robert, Robert,

Robert Anne, in the words
of my sainted mother,

don't make me kill ya
so close to Christmas.

(audience laughing)

Amnesia, would you come out here a minute.

Robert and I might need
some help getting Leo

to the emergency room.

- I'll get the car.
- Good.

(feet stomping)
- Oh Amnesia darling,

I want you to start the
Secret Santa drawing.

I've got to go see about Leo.

- But I thought that was for later?

- Later, yes, well it was darling,

but I want you to do it now.

- But everything will be out of order.

- You see we'll fix it in the edit.

That's a TV term.

- Fix it in the edit?

Easy for her to say.

- Sorry for the delay folks.

Are you all right now?

Do you got it together?

- We'll fix it in the edit.

- Right on.

All right Winifred, roll tape.

- We're rolling.

(feet stomping)

(audience laughing)

- All right, sit up straight,
eyes forward, pay attention,

okay this is a test, beep!

(audience laughing)

I'm only kidding here.

I heard that this morning
on the radio, go beep!

Okay, now it's time for Secret Santa.

Okay this is how it works.

Now, each one of us got a present
for a Secret Santa winner.

Now before the show started,

some of you received Secret Santa cards,

so if you got a Secret Santa card okay,

raise your card up high.

Raise your card up high if
you got a Secret Santa card.

Okay?

All right, I'm coming
out there, here we go.

Where are you?

What?

Hi, how are you?

Good to see you.

All right.

Hi.

What's your name?
- Christian.

- Oh Christian.
(audience laughing)

So are you?
- Yes.

Yes Sister I am.
- Oh you are, you're Catholic?

- Yes Sister.
- Oh wow, Hallelujah.

(audience laughing)
- Hallelujah.

- This first Secret Santa present,

this one is from Father
Virgil and Sister Leo.

And Father Virgil said he
got these off the internet.

(audience laughing)

Holiday pleasure.
(audience laughing)

Look at this, isn't this beautiful?

- Oh yes.
- Yeah, isn't that nice?

It's a stick-on set of
the 10 Commandments.

(audience laughing)

Isn't that nice?
- Does it matter

where I stick them on?
- You can stick 'em any place

you like.
(audience laughing)

And you know what?

This is really pretty special
because if there's any one

of those commandments you don't like,

you just peel off the
one's you don't like.

(audience laughing)

You know I have a feeling with you

we better hot glue some of 'em.

(audience laughing)

You like that?
- Yes Sister thank you.

- All right, give him a hand.
(audience clapping)

Everybody sing.

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year ♪

- Okay, raise your hands.

Where are my Secret Santa's over here?

Where?

Oh hi.

How are you.
- Hi Sister, how are you?

- I'm fine thank you.

Okay, what's your name?
- Mary.

- Oh, Mary, oh what a nice name that is.

(audience laughing)

I like that.

Are you Catholic?
- Oh absolutely.

- I have to like it.
(audience laughing)

Me too.

Look what I, you're my Secret Santa Mary.

- Oh wonderful.
- Yeah, wait till you see

what I have for you.

It's a beautiful card,
isn't that beautiful?

- Oh that's beautiful.
- Yeah, isn't that nice,

and if you look inside, look at that.

All the writing's in Polish.
(audience laughing)

- I'm so lucky!
- You are lucky, yeah!

(speaks foreign language)

- And to you too!
- To you too.

Wow, you know what that says?
- No. (laughing)

- I thought you were Polish for a minute.

But you know what?

Mary, even if you know,
you can take this card

and you could send it to anybody,

any time of the year, yeah,

'cause nobody will know
what it says any way.

(audience laughing)

You know what Mary?

Since I like you so much I got
another Secret Santa for you.

Look at this.

You can share this with your friends.

It's a beautiful holy card.
- Oh that's lovely.

- Yeah, it's of San Rajmondo Nonnato.

Yeah he's a Spanish saint I think

'cause it's all in Spanish, see that?

- I flunked Spanish.
- You flunked Spanish?

Hey Feliz Navidad!
(audience laughing)

Everybody,

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year ♪

Oh, okay, where's my other people?

Hi how are you.
- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

Okay, what is your name?
- Barbara.

- Oh Barbara, wait till you see
what I have for you Barbara.

Well, (laughing) I gotta
tell you something.

See this Secret Santa's
from Sister Robert Anne

and I gotta little problem 'cause she

gave me the present but I
don't know what I did with it.

(audience laughing)

So I got this great idea

that I get this medal of St. Anthony okay.

Are you Catholic?
- No, but I don't think

it makes a difference.
(audience laughing)

- Well it might if you don't
know what to do with it.

(audience laughing)

Saint Anthony is a patron
saint of lost things.

Yeah.
- Excellent,

I lose everything.
- you lose everything?

Yeah, so do I.

(audience laughing)

Well what you gotta do is you
pray to Saint Anthony okay?

And when he tells you what
I did with the present,

so Barbara you call me up
(audience laughing)

I'll go get it and I'll send it to ya.

That sound good?

All right.

Congratulations.
(audience clapping)

And where's my other victim?

Hi, how are you?
- I'm good Sister how are you?

- I'm fine, are you Catholic?

- Yes I am.

- Well Hallelujah.
(audience laughing)

Tell Barbara how to use that medal.

- Tony, Tony, look around,
what is lost must be found.

- Oh, thank you.
- Isn't that cute?

- Yes (laughing).

- Look at this, this
is from Sister Hubert.

- Oh how wonderful.
- Isn't that beautiful?

- Oh it's great.
- It's a golden ruler.

(audience laughing)

And on the back of it is the
golden rule and everything

isn't that beautiful and it's so cute

'cause it's only two inches long.

(audience laughing)

- Carry with you everywhere.
- Oh yeah,

and it's really handy
and everything, right.

- Wonderful.
- And this is your husband.

- That's my husband, right.
- Yeah.

It really is handy because
it's really perfect

for measuring little short things.

(audience laughing)

Okay, you enjoy that.

Isn't this fun?

(audience clapping)

Where's my other winner?

Oh there you are.

You know, this is really special

because this one, this
is from Reverend Mother.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah,

you're Reverend Mother's
- This is special.

- Secret Santa.
- Ooh, I'm excited.

- Oh should be excited.
- I am.

- Are you Catholic?
- Yes I am.

(Amnesia laughing)
(audience laughing)

Yes.
- Look at this.

It's a beautiful Christmas ornament.

Isn't that beautiful.
- That is beautiful.

- Yeah.
- Yes it is.

- And it's really special.

It's a scratch and sniff nativity scene.

- (laughing) That's lovely.

- Isn't that lovely?
- Where do I scratch it?

- Well I guess you could
scratch it anywhere.

(audience laughing)

But you know, I gotta tell you something,

I've sniffed in a barn

and maybe you don't wanna scratch it.

(audience laughing)
- Good advice Sister.

- Oh but you know what?

Reverend Mother, (laughs),
Reverend Mother has

a scratch and sniff Tony Bennett.

(audience laughing)
- Hallelujah.

- But she doesn't know that I know

and we just--
- Oh I see.

- Amnesia, how did you get
Reverend Mother's desk unlocked?

- Sing!

♪ We wish a merry Christmas ♪
- Amnesia come here.

♪ We wish a merry Christmas ♪
- Sister.

♪ We wish a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year ♪
- I'm not done with you.

(audience clapping)

- And now our students
from Mount Saint Helen's

have a special treat for you

as they present their interpretation

of "Santa's Little Teapot."

♪ I'm Santa's little teapot
as cute as I can be ♪

♪ My handle's on my shoulder ♪

♪ My spout is on my knee ♪

- Smile.
♪ When I start to whistle ♪

♪ You'd better answer me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm telling you I'm ready ♪

♪ And it's time for tea ♪

♪ I'm Santa's little teapot
as cute as I can be ♪

♪ My handle's on my shoulder ♪

♪ My spout is on my knee ♪

♪ When I start to whistle ♪

♪ You'd better answer me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm telling you I'm ready ♪

♪ And it's time for tea ♪

♪ I'm Santa's little teapot ♪

♪ That sits up on the shelf ♪

♪ Resting here so quietly ♪

♪ And keeping to myself ♪

♪ Then Santa sends an
elf who fills me up ♪

♪ And lights the fire ♪

♪ And goes away and leaves
me starting to perspire ♪

♪ I sit ♪

♪ I sigh ♪

♪ I sweat ♪

♪ I cry ♪

♪ Am I a fool ♪

♪ I lose my cool ♪

♪ Very soon I'm boiling mad
'cause Santa's nowhere near ♪

♪ I will not be forgotten by
the elf who placed me here ♪

♪ Someone will come running
when I begin to shout ♪

♪ I'll take the deepest breath I can ♪

♪ And blow it out my spout ♪

(air whistling)

♪ 'Cause I'm telling you I'm ready ♪

♪ And it's time for tea ♪

♪ I'm Santa's little teapot
that sits up on the shelf ♪

♪ Resting here so quietly ♪

♪ And keeping to myself ♪

♪ But remember this if
I'm put on the flame ♪

♪ I'll whistle very loudly ♪

♪ It's my claim to fame ♪

(whistle screeching)
♪ I'm Santa's little teapot ♪

♪ As cute as I can be ♪

♪ My handle's on my shoulder ♪

♪ My spout is on my knee ♪

♪ When I start to whistle
you'd better answer me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm telling you I'm ready ♪

♪ I'm telling you I'm ready ♪

♪ And it's time for tea ♪

(audience clapping)

- Surprise!

Ha ha, thank you, is the coast clear?

Good, ladies and gentlemen, do
you know why there's an angel

on top of the Christmas tree?

Well whether you do or whether you don't

I am here to tell you the story.

You see it all happened
12 days prior to Christmas

many years ago (clears throat).

Thank you Father.

Like this.

♪ 12 days prior to Christmas ♪

♪ Santa came down with the flu ♪

♪ A northern blizzard closed the road ♪

♪ And the doctor couldn't get through ♪

♪ With only 11 days left to go ♪

♪ There were hardly any toys ♪

♪ The elves were trying on gay apparel ♪

♪ For Christmas with the boys ♪
(audience laughing)

♪ Christmas with the boys ♪

♪ 10 days prior to Christmas ♪

♪ Rudolph's red nose turned blue ♪

♪ He was depressed from the
reindeer's teasing in 1952 ♪

♪ Nine days before the deadline date ♪

♪ When the sleigh was set to fly ♪

♪ Two of the helpers
got into a drag race ♪

♪ Crashing from the sky ♪

♪ Crashing from the sky ♪

♪ Bye bye ♪

♪ The fa la la lolly came fee by foe ♪

♪ Twas bah humbug not ho ho ho ♪

♪ It looked as though
Christmas would come and go ♪

♪ Without jingle bells or
a dash through the snow ♪

♪ On days eight and seven
they drowned their sorrows ♪

♪ By drinking some Christmas cheer ♪

♪ On the sixth day 10 of
the helpers passed out ♪

♪ There were four on the chandelier ♪

(audience laughing)
♪ Five days prior to Christmas ♪

♪ It was time for the
tree trimming phase ♪

♪ But the angel that Santa
sent for the spruce ♪

♪ Hadn't been seen in days ♪

♪ Hadn't been seen in days ♪

Mm, mm, mm.

The bottom line was that
broad had disappeared poof.

♪ With only four and a half days left ♪

♪ Santa was more than concerned ♪

♪ Poor Mrs. Claus had forgotten the oven ♪

♪ And all the cookies had burned ♪

♪ It was three days prior to Christmas ♪

♪ And Santa was fit to be tied ♪

♪ After three martinis
and two gin fizzes ♪

♪ Santa was totally fried ♪

♪ Santa was totally fried ♪

♪ The fa la la lolly came fee by foe ♪

♪ Twas bah humbug not ho ho ho ♪

♪ It looked as though
Christmas would come and go ♪

♪ Without jingle bells or
a dash through the snow ♪

♪ Two days prior to Christmas
the carolers went on strike ♪

♪ Refusing to sing on holidays
and demanding a salary hike ♪

♪ With one day left it
seemed but certain ♪

♪ That life couldn't get any worse ♪

♪ When suddenly the angel
appeared uttering this curse ♪

♪ Where do you want this ♪
(horn honking)

♪ Tree with the words that came to pass ♪

♪ Santa replied with a ho ho ho ♪

♪ You can stick it up your ♪
(audience laughing)

- [Man] Hey what's goin' on back here?

I can't, what, the tree.

- What's happened.
- Oh we blew a fuse.

- Oh good heavens.
- Oh don't worry,

I turned everything off upstairs.

I'm gonna go check in the back,

- Oh well.
- but I think we should

be okay now.
- Good, good, good.

- What's that puppet doing out here?

(tongue warbling)
I thought I made

it perfectly--
(sign slamming)

Ah, well, let there be light.
(audience laughing)

Amnesia.

How can you be out here and the puppet.

Well then who was?
- Rev, Rev,

tape is still rolling.
- Oh it is.

Oh it is, oh, uh, well,
ladies and gentlemen,

we're sorry for these
technical difficulties.

I guess we're still a little green

when it comes to this
TV business. (laughs)

(audience laughing)

Oh but anyway.

The good news is that Sister Mary Wilhelm

over at the hospital has
checked out Sister Leo

and she's perfectly all right.

She just has a bad sprain.

- She's really bummed about not
being able to dance tonight,

but she's gonna be just fine.

- Yes, Sister Amnesia,
would you please go upstairs

and see that Sister Julia,

a child of God.
(audience laughing)

- 'Cause that's our cook you know.

(audience laughing)
- Yes.

Would you see if she's getting
ready for her part darling?

- Yeah.
- Well run on darling,

tape is rolling.
- we'll fix it in the edit.

(audience laughing)

- I think I've created a monster.

Oh Father Virgil, I have
figured out the perfect gift

for the bishop for Christmas.

- Really, what?

- A housekeeper who knows
how to caddy. (laughs)

(audience laughing)

Come on Virgil.
(audience clapping)

See there.

Thank you.

I made that up myself.
- Yeah.

(whimsical twinkling)

(fist knocking)

(door opening)

- Ah!

Oh Mrs. Conkel, come in.

- Sister the kids saw
the tree in the window,

can they come in and look at it?

- We don't have one.
- Of course, but know you have

to be real quiet because we have

a show going on downstairs okay?

Wait till you see the tree,
it's really beautiful.

You're going to love it.

- Come on boys.

- I was thinking, maybe we
could do "The Nutcracker"

without the sugar plum fairy.

Now what if I were to come out and do a--

Maria what's the matter?

- Did you get hurt when
the lights went out?

- No.
- Well what's wrong?

- They say I ruined the ballet.

- Who said that?
- The other kids,

but I didn't mean to do it.

- Oh we know that, it was an accident.

- Sister Leo told me so herself.

- Then why are they making me feel bad?

- Well sometimes people just
say things without thinking.

Then we get our feelings hurt.

Sister Hubert can you go
get that Christmas box

I was showing you this morning?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Sit down Maria, I wanna
tell you a little story.

Now, when I was about your age we had

a big party at my school

right after Christmas vacation

and all the kids brought their
favorite Christmas presents

for show and tell.

But that year my dad lost his job

and we couldn't afford any presents,

so I didn't have anything to bring.

At recess some of those
kids were making fun of me

and that made me feel really bad.

Sister Helen, our teacher,
she made them stop,

but I still felt awful.

The next morning Sister
Helen called me aside

and she gave me a wonderful present.

Oh, thank you Sister.

I have kept this present all these years.

Look, it has a card with it.

And this is what it says.

♪ I have a special gift ♪

♪ I wrapped so carefully ♪

♪ The reason that it's special is ♪

♪ It's just for you from me ♪

♪ The ribbon isn't fancy ♪

♪ And the paper's rather plain ♪

♪ It didn't cost a penny ♪

♪ And it's easy to maintain ♪

♪ There's no need to unwrap it ♪
- He sounds just like--

- Bill Cosby?
- Bing Crosby.

♪ You can leave ♪

♪ The ribbon tied ♪
- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

♪ Though you might think it's empty ♪

♪ It's filled with love inside ♪

♪ So anytime you're lonely ♪

♪ Anytime you're blue ♪

♪ Anytime you need a friend ♪

♪ This box of love is for you ♪

♪ It'll help you face the world ♪

♪ 'Cause nothing else compares ♪

♪ To the feeling that comes over you ♪

♪ When you know somebody cares ♪

♪ So anytime you're frightened ♪

♪ Or feeling insecure ♪

♪ Just hold this box close to your heart ♪

♪ And feel it's love so pure ♪

♪ A smile ♪

♪ A hand ♪

♪ A warm embrace ♪

♪ They're all wrapped up in here ♪

♪ The love that's in this Christmas box ♪

♪ Will last year after year ♪

♪ So anytime you're lonely ♪

♪ Anytime you're blue ♪

♪ Anytime you need a friend ♪

♪ This Christmas box is for you ♪

♪ It'll help you face the world ♪

♪ Unafraid because I swear ♪

♪ There's no one can hurt you ♪

♪ When you know somebody loves you ♪

(audience clapping)

Maria, you know something,

I think Sister Helen
would like it very much

if I gave this present to you know.

- Thank you Father.

- You're welcome.

I just have to figure out
some way to do that ballet.

Sister Mary Paul, you're on!

- I'm coming, I'm coming.

Oh I'm sorry I'm late,

but the Conkel's brought the kids over

to see our Christmas tree upstairs.

- Who are the Conkel's?

- The Conkel's, they
live behind the school

and they're really poor
and they couldn't afford

a Christmas tree so they brought
the kids over to see ours.

- Oh boy, can I relate to that.

I was just telling Maria
about the Christmas

my family couldn't afford any presents.

- Oh how sad.
- Mm yeah, but it was

a long time ago.

So, you all set?
- Yep.

- Well all right.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sister Mary Paul.

(audience clapping)

- Howdy!

How you all doin'?

- [Audience] Great!

- You having a good time?

- [Audience] Yeah!

- Well good (laughs).

Now you're probably all wondering

why is she talking
country all of a sudden?

Well you see what happened was,

when I had amnesia I forgot I
was a country western singer

so now what happens is
sometimes I talk country

and sometimes I talk normal.

(audience laughing)

I am so lucky to be bilingual.
(audience laughing)

It truly is a blessing.

But you know, I was already blessed

when I won that Publisher's
Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

But that was only a partial blessing,

'cause I didn't get to keep the money.

Yeah, you know that's sorta like

when your grandma gives you a savings bond

for Christmas and you're
supposed to get excited,

but you're not really.
(audience laughing)

'Cause you can't go spend it on anything.

Not for 20 years.
(audience laughing)

But you know, singing country music,

that's a whole blessing
that's just for me, oh yeah.

Like when I got to sing
at the Grand Ole Opry

with little Jimmy Dickens
and Lulu Roman (laughs).

I was so excited my
eyeballs switched sockets.

(audience laughing)

And after that people
started calling me up

and asking me to sing their songs for 'em.

But you know what?

I can't sing just anything.

Reverend Mother nixed "I
Got You on My Conscience,

"But at Least You're Off My Back."

(audience laughing)

Yeah I think she took it personally.

But you know now I got a country hit

that's all my own that's
on the charts, yeah.

It's about me and my brother
Will when we were kids

and it was written for me by my friend,

Holly John Davenport.

You know her?

(audience laughing)

Oh she's a beauty queen.

She's a beauty queen
who's planning on becoming

a brain surgeon.
(audience laughing)

So she can cut all the dirty
thoughts outta people's minds.

(audience laughing)

You might like to meet her Christian.

Gotcha! (laughs)

Okay, Father Carisone, take it away.

Okay here we go.

Whoo!

♪ When Will and I were little kids ♪

♪ Back home in Arkansas ♪

♪ Every year at Christmas time ♪

♪ Dad laid down the law ♪

♪ If we didn't do our chores ♪

♪ And promise to obey ♪

♪ On December 24th there'd
be a price to pay ♪

♪ Now dad explained that Santa Claus ♪

♪ Had a giant list on
who would be rewarded ♪

♪ And who would be dismissed ♪

♪ If Will and I was fighting ♪

♪ We'd stop right away ♪

♪ 'Cause dad would set us down ♪

♪ And this is what he'd say ♪

♪ Oh Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ On this Christmas eve ♪

♪ Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ No way he's gonna leave ♪

♪ Any Barbie dolls or brand new toys ♪

♪ For bad little girls
and bad little boys ♪

♪ Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ On this Christmas eve ♪

♪ Now dad told me he had a
line direct to Santa's shop ♪

♪ And he said he'd call if I
acted up and wouldn't stop ♪

♪ In May or June I might be rude ♪

♪ And never be contrite ♪

♪ But starting in November
I'd always be polite ♪

♪ Now every year at Christmas time ♪

♪ I mind my Ps and Qs ♪

♪ 'Cause even in the convent
I don't wanna hear bad news ♪

♪ So now you know the reason ♪

♪ I'm angelic and so dear ♪

♪ If I start acting devilish ♪

♪ I know I'm gonna hear ♪

♪ Oh Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ On this Christmas eve ♪

♪ Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ No way he's gonna
leave any Barbie dolls ♪

♪ Or brand new toys for bad little girls ♪

♪ And bad little boys ♪

♪ Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ On this Christmas eve ♪

(Amnesia yodeling)
♪ Santa ain't comin' ♪

♪ To our house on this Christmas evening ♪

♪ Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ No way he's gonna leave ♪

♪ Any Barbie dolls or brand new toys ♪

♪ For bad little girls
and bad little boys ♪

♪ Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ Santa ain't comin' to our house ♪

♪ On this Christmas ♪

♪ Oh Santa I'll be good please come ♪

♪ On this Christmas eve ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

(audience clapping)

- Oh Amnesia, that was just wonderful.

- Oh thank you.
- Don't you worry darling,

I'm sure Santa will be
coming to our house.

- Yeah.
(phone ringing)

- Oh I'll get it.
- Oh I'll get it.

I'll get it, wait.
- But I'm gonna get it.

- You always get the phone.
- I thought you turned

that phone off when we started taping.

- Mary, why do I have to do
everything around here Hubert?

- Well you said you would
when I asked you to.

- When did I say I would?
- Remember we were upstairs

watching "All My Children" and you said,

"How many wives can that
Adam Chandler have?"

(audience laughing)

- Oh yeah, yeah, that David
Canary, what a hunk huh?

(audience laughing)

- This is terrible.
- What?

- What's going on?
- That was Sister Julia,

child of God.
- Oh.

- She's at the police station.

- The police station?
- What did she do?

Poison a cop?

Is there anyone who doesn't know

that Sister Julia accidentally poisoned 52

of our Sisters awhile back.
(audience laughing)

- No, nothing like that.
- Thank God.

- She just went to put
some gingerbread men

on the Christmas tree
upstairs in the convent

and she discovered that all our presents

have been stolen.
- Oh!

Stolen?
- Oh no, that means

my beautiful Swiss army knife is gone.

- How did you know about that?

Robert Ann you were peeking.
- No way.

Psychic hotline.
(audience laughing)

- Now, well, doesn't matter now does it.

All our presents were stolen.

What else did she say?

- She's just giving them a report.

She said she'd be back soon.

♪ Here we come a waffleing ♪

♪ Among the leaves so green ♪

♪ Here we come a waffleing ♪

♪ So rare to be seen ♪

- Amnesia,
(audience laughing)

it's wassailing.

It's here we come a-wassailing.

- Oops, mistake.
(audience laughing)

- [Both] We'll fix it in the edit.

- Yes, yes, go.

- Rev, what are we gonna
do about our presents?

- I don't think we can
worry about that now,

we got the show to do.

- Okay.
- Oh Lord deliver me.

There may not be much
to drink at this party,

but we sure have plenty of mixed nuts.

(audience laughing)

You know this reminds me of the time

when my mom and dad we're
doing their act in Key Largo.

Oh, you talk about everything going wrong

that could go wrong.

See they were with the circus you know?

Well, there was a storm.

I mean a real lollapalooza

and of course nobody was
gonna venture out in that

so we were all stuck in our trailers

and it was Christmas.

Well now the same time that
the circus was there you see

Miss Sophie Tucker was working
at a hotel there in town.

Well she was supposed to be doing her act

but of course there weren't any customers.

That's storm was just raging

like it had been directed by
Mr. Cecil B. DeMille himself.

Well, the hotel invited all of
us over there for Christmas.

I must have been about 12 I guess.

Now when Sophie Tucker
started telling her stories,

I tell ya, I thought my mom was gonna die.

Sophie says, um (clears throat), she says,

"Well, you know, I thought
about going to church with yas,

"but the last time I was in a church

"the priest says to me,
'Hey, Sophie, you can't come

"'in here in that low cut dress.'

"I says to him, 'Well Father,
I've got a divine right.'"

"And he says, 'Yes and you got

"'a pretty good looking left too.'"

(audience laughing)

"'But you still can't come
in here in that dress.'"

I tell ya I don't think we
ever laughed quite as much

as we did that Christmas.

And then later on
(soft violin music)

when it was time for dinner,

they ushered us into this,
oh, this fancy dining room.

I never saw so much food.

I suppose they knew my folks

weren't called two tons on
a tightrope for nothing.

Of course that Sophie Tucker you know

she was no will-o'-the-wisp either.

And then after dinner we invited them all

to come back over to the big top.

And we put on a show,

the likes of which you have never seen.

♪ P.T. Barnum had nothing on us ♪

♪ When it came to the Christmas show ♪

♪ Mary was played by a
snake charming princess ♪

♪ And the bearded lady was Joseph ♪

♪ The angels were members
of the aerial team ♪

♪ Soaring high on the flying trapeze ♪

♪ There weren't any
children under age 10 ♪

♪ So the circus midget was Jesus ♪

♪ We hooked up the elephants ♪

♪ Like two yoke of oxen ♪

♪ And the shepherd a chimpanzee ♪

♪ There wasn't any need to
go out and buy a donkey ♪

♪ My uncle was a jackass for free ♪

♪ It was an old time carnival Christmas ♪

♪ With aerial acts and clowns ♪

♪ A three ring celebration ♪

♪ Hey all smiles no frowns ♪

♪ It was an old time carnival Christmas ♪

♪ Filled with laughter and mirth ♪

♪ An old time carnival Christmas ♪

♪ The greatest show on earth ♪

♪ When I think back to
those carnival days ♪

♪ Honey we were a crazy bunch ♪

♪ No black tie affairs
or putting on airs ♪

♪ Just simple folks happier than not ♪

♪ Nowadays all that seems so long ago ♪

♪ Christmas is high tech today ♪

♪ With a virtual stable
and a savior on a disk ♪

♪ Ah I don't know what to say ♪

♪ Except ♪

♪ I miss that old time
carnival Christmas ♪

♪ With aerial acts and clowns ♪

♪ A three-ring celebration ♪

♪ All smiles no frowns ♪

♪ I miss that old time
carnival Christmas ♪

♪ Filled with laughter and mirth ♪

♪ That old time carnival Christmas ♪

♪ The greatest show on earth ♪

♪ The greatest show on earth ♪

(audience clapping)

- I hate to interrupt you,

but Sister Julia is not back yet

so what do we do now?

- I have got a song I have been working on

that would be perfect.
- No!

Winifred darling, stop tape.

Well, that settles it.
- Settles what?

- Would you help me get this
Julia set turned around please?

Well you've just got to
go on as Julia that's all.

- Oh no you don't.

I had to wear that Minnie
Pearl outfit in the jamboree

and they're still teasing
me back at the monastery.

- Stop your jabbering and go get ready.

- Oh how do I get myself into this things?

(bells jingling)

♪ The holly and the ivory ♪

♪ When they are fully grown ♪

- Um, um, Amnesia darling,

(audience laughing)

it's ivy, the holly and the ivy.

- Oops, mistake.
- Look, we're in luck

it's not on.
- And neither are you.

Go on, there's your exit, let's
go, hip, hip, hip, hip, hip.

- My mom uses this stuff.

- All right roll tape.
- Virgil is Julia, ha.

- Friends, gather round

as I present Sister Julia, child of God

in a cavalcade of Christmas cooking.

(audience clapping)
(light music)

All right Sister, shake and bake.

(spoon smacking)

- Hello friends.
(audience laughing)

And welcome to Sister Julia's
festive food fantasy frolic.

And you thought nuns
couldn't use the F word.

(audience laughing)

Well let's get right down to
business shall we starting

with a few tips on planning
your Christmas dinner party.

Let us start off with
a cheddar cheese wheel

is always a crowd pleaser,

but remember don't cut the cheese.

(audience laughing)

If you cut the cheese,

the smell could last for
what seems like an eternity.

Just rip it quick and hope
nobody notices the bouquet.

Now, when it comes to the main course,

I'm sure all of your guests
will be expecting a turkey.

Well why not surprise
them with a wild goose?

Last week I gave a couple of
the Sisters a goose for lunch.

And let me tell you they were thrilled.

They called me and said
they were so excited.

Sister Anne Louise said
she hadn't had a goose

that good since junior
high school (laughs).

But friends, let's get to the
real reason I am here today.

Fruitcake!

Yes that's right.

Today we are going to make fruitcake.

The Christmas gift that lasts a lifetime.

And friends it's simple now.

I have put together here
a very basic batter.

Before I add the fruit,

I like to add just a smidgen of rum.

But of course we want
to taste our rum first

to be sure it hasn't
gone bad, mm, perfect.

Rum should always go down smooth.

Speaking of going down,

I was going down to the market yesterday

and I happened to spot some lovely fruit

and then I said to myself,
Julia why waste good fruit

when nobody eats a fruitcake?

So, I came right back to the convent

and I found this bowl of
perfectly beautiful plastic fruit.

No one will ever know the difference.

It does look a bit dry though doesn't it

so let's give it a little drink shall we?

And one for Julia.

(Virgil laughing)

Let's see did I put the
rum in the batter yet?

Oh well, better safe
than sorry I always say.

Now, let's just stir this up shall we.

When you're stirring you always want

to keep a very stiff wrist.
(spoon thudding)

(audience laughing)

Butter fingers.

Oh well, nevermind.

Necessity is the mother of invention.

I always knew God gave
us fingers for a reason.

Ah ha ha, yeah.

You know, fingers were the first utensils,

the cavemen used them for everything.

They'd roast their meat over an open pit,

then they'd tear at it
with their cavemen teeth

and crack the bones and suck
the marrow out (laughs).

Julia get a grip (hand smacking).

(audience laughing)

Fruitcake, we're talking
about fruitcake today.

(lips smacking)
Mm, oh, you know this

is very tasty.

I don't understand how the
batter can taste so good

but then the fruitcake
itself tastes like shit.

Geez, sh, sh.

Surely, surely it's time
to put the fruit in.

And the rum, mustn't
forget the rum, no, oh ho.

Ha ha.

(audience laughing)

You know what, I just
thought of something.

Do you realize that if
Eve had put that apple

into a fruitcake, Adam
never would have touched it.

(audience laughing)

We would still be in paradise today.

Because friends, the first
fruitcake is still in existence.

I'll bet you won't believe me.

Well, here it is friends,
the first fruitcake.

(cake smacking)

No wonder fruit stops
make such good door cakes.

Door fruit makes it, is the oven on?

I'm sweating like a pig up here.

Mommy needs a little pop.
(audience laughing)

- Yo Virgil, Virgil, you gotta finish.

Reverend Mother wants to start the ballet.

- I love the ballet.

- Oh my Lord.

Help me move this.

We gotta get you outta here
before Reverend Mother sees you.

- Bon Appetite.

(audience clapping)

- And now once again, Mr. John Ritter.

- "The Nutcracker" take two.

If you remember I was telling you

that every Christmas eve,

Mayor Stahlbaum gives
a lavish dinner party

for his son Fritz and his daughter Clara.

Soon, Clara's godfather,
Herr Drosselmeyer arrives.

This Christmas eve the old man has brought

a very special present for Clara.

It is a nutcracker.

- This is my favorite present of all.

- I think it's ugly.
(doll cracking)

Oh, okay, oh my God, all right, come one.

- It's broken.

- In the morning he will
be perfect once more.

(audience laughing)

- Clara thanks her godfather
as Herr Drosselmeyer

goes off into the night.

- You know John, I've got a
song that would be perfect

for the ballet.

You would just love it.
- Herr Drosselmeyer goes off

into the night.
(audience laughing)

It is late and time
for all to go to sleep.

As the clock strikes midnight,

(clock dinging)

Clara sneaks back.

What's this, her nutcracker
has come to life.

But wait, the Mouse King arrives

and a terrible battle ensues.

(dramatic music)

Goodness, the nutcracker
is a handsome prince.

Since Clara doesn't have a boyfriend,

she is ecstatic over having the prince.

(audience laughing)

- Come with me Clara and I'll
take you to a wonderful land.

- They arrive at the Land Of The Sweets,

unfortunately the Sugarplum
Fairy is not feeling well

so she won't be appearing in,

oh my.
(audience laughing)

("Dance of the Sugar Plum
Fairy" by Tchaikovsky)

(puppet singing)
(puppet screaming)

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

("Trepak" by Tchaikovsky)

(audience clapping)

("Divertissement: Dance of
the Mirlitons" by Tchaikovsky)

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

- Oh!

My leg.

Oh.

(audience clapping)

("Mother Ginger and The
Clowns" by Tchaikovsky)

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

- [Reverend Mother] Stop tape!

- There was only one thing
wrong with that ballet,

the tape was rolling.

(upbeat music)
(people chattering)

♪ 364 days outta the year ♪

♪ We can shop for Christmas ♪

♪ And then Christmas day is here ♪

♪ Why do we wait till it's so late ♪

♪ To head out to the mall ♪

♪ 364 but the very last eight days ♪

♪ We do it all ♪

♪ They say the road to hell is paved ♪

♪ With well intentioned plans ♪

♪ If that's the case
last minute shoppers ♪

♪ Better shop prepared ♪

♪ 'Cause you know it's hot down there ♪

♪ You bet Sister ♪

♪ It's what to buy for mom and dad ♪

♪ Or the nun who's been so kind ♪

♪ Or you figure out the perfect gift ♪

♪ But it's always the one
thing you can't find ♪

♪ That's rude ♪

♪ Christmas time hardest
time anything but lazy ♪

♪ Christmas time should be sublime ♪

♪ Instead it might be crazy ♪

♪ 364 days outta the year ♪

♪ I could be addressing Christmas cards ♪

♪ But that's too cavalier ♪

♪ I gotta wait till it's so late ♪

♪ I can't address them all ♪

♪ Let's scratch out Merry Christmas ♪

♪ And write Happy New Year all ♪

♪ 364 days outta the year ♪

♪ We can shop for Christmas and
then Christmas day is here ♪

♪ Why do we wait till it's so late ♪

♪ To head out to the mall ♪

♪ Next year baby ♪

♪ Some year maybe ♪

♪ I'm gonna start my
shopping in the fall ♪

♪ That's all ♪

(audience clapping)

- Now folks, I'd like to talk to you

about the Christmas season.

It's true that Christmas can
certainly drive us crazy,

especially if we've
forgotten what Christmas

is really all about.

Now I know what you're thinking.

Here's that holier than though Regina

about to tell us about the
true meaning of Christmas.

Well you're wrong.

You're wrong.

I get caught up in the commercial stuff

just as much as you do.

In fact to tell you the truth,

I'm hoping for a pretty
big haul this year.

(audience laughing)

But, let's face it.

You know all the gifts and
trappings don't mean much

if that's all there is.

That's why we need to
find the deeper meaning.

And I think you will be surprised

when I tell you that the one person here

who really understands

is the irrepressible Sister Robert Anne.

- Thanks Rev (laughs).

- I hope you don't have
any puppets up your sleeve.

- Puppets, what a puppets (laughing)?

- We'll talk later.
(audience laughing)

- Looks like it could be
bad news at Christmas time.

Oh, ho ho, like that one
year back in Brooklyn,

when Christmas meant a
whole month of detention.

See we couldn't afford
much and my mom went out

and bought this scrawny,
little Christmas tree.

My brother said it woulda been better

had we decorated the broom.

Anyway, anyway.

There was this tree in front
of Finkelstein's Pawn Shop

that I knew would look great
in our living room. (laughs)

Besides, what do the Finkelstein's need

with a Christmas tree, come on.

(audience laughing)

Well, it did look great in our living room

till Mr. Finkelstein called my mom.

Didn't even get a lump
a coal that Christmas.

But hey, you know, I'm not
looking for any sympathy here,

I was a tough kid, huh,
I could handle it all.

Yeah, well, except for
the year my dad left.

That was rough.

It was the one time I actually
tried to clean up my act.

See the Sisters told me that
if I could prove to them

that I could change for the better,

that I'd be allowed to
participate in the living nativity

at St. James Cathedral.

Now, you gotta understand,
St. James was the big time.

It was like the super bowl of nativities,

you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)

(organ music)

♪ O come all ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ O come ye o come ye to Bethlehem ♪

♪ It came upon a midnight clear ♪

♪ At Christmas midnight mass ♪

♪ Sister Rose Francis had chosen me ♪

♪ To represent our class ♪

♪ It should have been a happy time ♪

♪ For I was asked that year ♪

♪ To place the baby in the crib ♪

♪ On that midnight clear ♪

♪ But back at home ♪

♪ Mom was struggling ♪

♪ Just to make ends meet ♪

♪ See dad walked out the year before ♪

♪ So the night was bittersweet ♪

♪ O come all ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ The choir sang out like angels ♪

♪ And the Christmas lights shone bright ♪

♪ You'd have thought
they came from heaven ♪

♪ On that Christmas night ♪

♪ The choir sang out like angels ♪

♪ Telling shepherds have no fear ♪

♪ As they celebrated Jesus birth ♪

♪ On that midnight clear ♪

♪ My sister and my brothers ♪

♪ Were all in the second pew ♪

♪ Mom brought them up
there from the back ♪

♪ To get a better view ♪

♪ I stepped up to place the baby ♪

♪ On that pile of straw ♪

♪ But when I looked out into the church ♪

♪ I shuttered when I saw ♪

♪ My dad was kneeling next to mom ♪

♪ With teardrops in his eyes ♪

♪ He'd come home for Christmas ♪

♪ Not well but so much wiser ♪

(singing in foreign language)

♪ The choir sang out like angels ♪

♪ And the Christmas lights shown bright ♪

♪ You'd have thought
they came from heaven ♪

♪ On that Christmas night ♪

♪ And I thanked God for my family ♪

♪ On that midnight clear ♪

♪ As we celebrated Jesus birth ♪

♪ In Brooklyn ♪

♪ That year ♪

♪ O come let us adore Him ♪

♪ O come let us adore Him ♪

♪ O come let us adore Him ♪

♪ Christ the Lord ♪

(audience clapping)
(organ music)

- Wasn't that just wonderful?

Just, oh good grief.

Hubert I thought you
turned this phone off.

- What?

You distinctly said you were going to.

- Well nevermind.

This better be good.
(audience laughing)

You're back?

When?

Where are you?

Oh no, they are?

Oh they're not.

They are?

They are, no, fine, fine.

- Well, are they?
- Yes, yes, they are.

Oh Hubert, what have I
done to deserve this?

- Deserve what?
- Well that was Julia.

She's coming back over
here with the police.

All of our presents were stolen.

I made a fool outta myself in the ballet.

- You forgot to turn off the phone.

- Forgot to turn off
the, all right Hubert.

- Oh come on Regina.

So the ballet wasn't perfect.

It was pretty funny (laughs).

- Yeah.
- Look around,

we have lovely friends here with us.

Sister Leo's gonna be fine.

We're all healthy.

I'd say it's a wonderful life.

- Yeah, and everytime a bell rings

an angel gets her wings.
(audience laughing)

And the way bells have been
ringing around here today

I'd say there's a whole
flock of 'em coming through.

- Oh, speaking of flocks
and a wonderful life,

I'd like to take a few
moments of your time

to talk to you about
something that concerns us,

not only at Christmas, but all year long,

and that's a shortage of Sisters.

We need new recruits.
(audience laughing)

- Smooth segue Hubert.

Ever since we lost 52 of our Sisters

to Julia's vichyssoise soup,

we have been a little
short handed so to speak.

So that's why we would
like to invite people

from all walks of life
to consider a career

with the Little Sisters of Hoboken.

- And that's why we'd like
to take this opportunity

to bring you a special message.

♪ It's a wonderful life ♪

♪ Jimmy Stewart had it right ♪

♪ It's a wonderful life ♪

♪ That's why we like to invite you ♪

♪ A wonderful life ♪

♪ That we're certain will excite you ♪

♪ A wonderful nunderful life ♪

♪ If you wanna good time ♪

♪ Join the sisterhood ♪

♪ I'm telling you it's guaranteed ♪

♪ Guaranteed ♪

♪ If you want to wake up and
not think about your makeup ♪

♪ This is the place indeed two three ♪

♪ Place indeed ♪

- Thank you.
- Oh oh!

(audience laughing)

♪ In the convent ♪

♪ There is nothing like a nun ♪

♪ In the convent ♪

♪ You can have a lot of fun ♪

♪ In the convent ♪

♪ We have got the finest wine ♪

♪ In the convent ♪

♪ Life is divine ♪

♪ If you want to make friends ♪

♪ Here's the place to bring friends ♪

♪ With a brand new point of view ♪

♪ Point of view ♪

♪ If you're feeling lonely ♪

♪ We have got the only ♪

♪ Foolproof solution for you ♪

♪ Here's what to do ♪

♪ Join the convent ♪

♪ There's no worry what you wear ♪

♪ In the convent ♪

♪ You don't have to do your hair ♪

♪ In the convent ♪

♪ There's an answer to each prayer ♪

♪ And your life is
straight extraordinaire ♪

♪ Extraordinaire ♪

♪ In the convent ♪

♪ You can put on shows like these ♪

♪ In the convent ♪

♪ They will knock on your knees ♪

♪ Watch you smiling ♪

♪ Well it's obvious that she's in the ♪

♪ C-O-N-V-E-N-T ♪

♪ C-O-N-V-E-N-T ♪

♪ Convent has been good to me ♪

♪ C-O-N-V-E-N-T ♪

♪ Convent is for you and me ♪

♪ Take a bow take a bow take a bow ♪

♪ Take a bow take a bow take a bow ♪

♪ Take a bow take a bow take a bow ♪

♪ Take a bow take a bow take a bow ♪

♪ Join the convent ♪

(hands clap)
(audience clapping)

- Right on Sisters.

And now friends I must take a moment

to bring you a message from our sponsor.

Are you at a loss when
it comes to choosing

that special gift for
your significant other?

Well, there is an answer.

It's confession.
(audience laughing)

The newest fragrance from Nunsense.

(audience laughing)

This specially created holiday fragrance

will be available later in the program

from our Catholic Home Shopping Service.

Confession, it's good for the soul.

(audience clapping)

And if you shop now you'll receive

a special gift with purchase, turn card.

Oh yeah, oh, Absolution.

Our combination after
bath splash and mouthwash

in one convenient 10 ounce bottle.

Nunsense, products for people who smell.

And now,
(audience clapping)

now I have a special surprise.

Ever since we presented our version

of Patty, Maxine, and Laverne,

the Saint Andrew Sisters of Hoboken,

you have been clamoring to see 'em again.

So now, back by popular demand,

please welcome Caspar.
(dramatic music)

(audience clapping)

Melchior.
(audience clapping)

And Balthazar.
(audience clapping)

The new Saint Andrew's
Sisters from Hoboken.

♪ Scooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doo wah ♪

♪ Scooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doo wah ♪

♪ We three kings of orient are us ♪

♪ We came here on camels
'cause we missed the bus ♪

♪ They each had two
humpers I had but one ♪

♪ And speaking of butts ♪

♪ One hump is no fun ♪

- Oh my aching, I'll never sit again.

- Amen.

♪ We three kings of orient are us ♪

♪ The fact that we made it's miraculous ♪

♪ The message we got
was to follow a star ♪

♪ But we couldn't keep up
with Tom Cruise's hog ♪

♪ Oh oh oh star wonder ♪

♪ Oh oh oh star so bright ♪

♪ Tom was leading ♪

♪ We were proceeding ♪

♪ Till we hear that traffic light ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Scooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doo wah ♪

♪ Scooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doo wah ♪

♪ We three kings of orient are us ♪

♪ We usually shop at the Value Plus ♪

♪ But legend states that Harrods ♪

♪ Is where we stopped on
the way to Manger Square ♪

♪ We three kings of orient are us ♪

♪ Finding the gifts was tortuous ♪

♪ Still we each got a gift for Him ♪

♪ Her ♪

♪ Frank's incense ♪

♪ Gold ♪

♪ And a salad shooter ♪

- A salad shooter.
- Yeah.

- What in the world is the
blessed mother gonna do

with a salad shooter?
- Look, look, look, look,

it slices, it rices, it dices,
and it's dishwasher safe.

- Oy vey

♪ We three kings of orient are us ♪

♪ People agree we're fabulous ♪

♪ Every epiphany we appear ♪

♪ They ask us back for
the following year ♪

♪ Scooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doo wah ♪

♪ Scooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doo wah ♪

♪ Scooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doo wah ♪

(audience clapping)

- Weren't they great?
- Yeah.

Those Dixie Chicks better watch out.

- You know friends we sang
earlier about the trials

and tribulations of Christmas shopping.

- Well, if you're behind in your search

for that perfect gift,

Reverend Mother has the answer for you.

- Yes friends.

If Christmas shopping gets you down,

now you can do all your
shopping from the comfort

of your La-Z-Boy lounger.

As a matter of fact you can purchase

all your gifts right here on WCON's

all new Catholic Home Shopping Service.

- Now you don't even have
to open a catalog to shop,

just sit back relax, open a beer.

- A what?
- And order your,

account, I mean open an account

and start shopping.

- First of all friends,

when you shop with our
Catholic Home Shopping Service,

you don't have to worry about back orders

or delays or out of stock items.

Because we have at least 50 of every

one of a kind item that we sell.

(audience laughing)

Virgil, what's our first
sensational selection?

- Hark, your herald angel will sing

when he or she opens the home halo kit.

Simple assembly will
turn any ordinary child

into an angelic specimen in just minutes.

- And to be certain that
your little angel lives up

to the saintly requirements,

be sure to request the
special remote control

that sends a harmless electric
shock through the halo.

(audience laughing)

You know, anytime your little
angel starts acting devilish.

♪ The first Noel the angels did say ♪

♪ Was to certain poor leopards
in fields where they lay ♪

- Shepherds Amnesia, to
certain poor shepherds.

- [Group] We'll fix it in the edit.

♪ In fields where they lay ♪

(children screaming)

- It works.

Only $39.95 and worth every nickel.

- Yeah.

When it's time to choose a special toy

for those little angels,

you can't beat the first video game

from the Little Sisters of Hoboken.

"Moral Combat."

Watch Saint Michael the
arch angel teach your child

how to fight fair and win
using the power of prayer,

guilt, and intimidation.

- A must for every good Catholic family.

- Now here's a question for
all you men in the audience.

Are you confused when it comes

to buying those unmentionable gifts

for your special someone?

Well Reverend Mother has the answer.

- It's Saint Victoria's Secret.

Intimate apparel for the Catholic miss

and this year's feature is the all new,

close your eyes Virgil, nunderbra.

(audience laughing)
- Oh geez.

- It's designed by a
cloistered Carmelite Sister.

This bra will make even

the most full-figured girl look modest.

So this Christmas, give
the ties that bind.

Nunderbra.

All right, you can open
your eyes now Virgil.

- Are you stumped when it
comes to selecting a gift

for your parish priest?

- Well even if you don't
laugh at Father's jokes,

you're gonna be chuckling
with Everlasting Lights.

- Yes folks, these specially
designed alter candles

don't go out.
- You will split your sides

watching Father trying to blow
out these candles after mass.

(audience laughing)

- And what would the holidays
be without Christmas candy?

If you want a treat
that'll really slay 'em,

sweeten up your tree with
a candy Cain and Abel.

I'm going to kill you.

No please don't.

Yes I will.

I'll kill you!

(Virgil growling)

- Slay 'em, you're a card,
don't ever do that again.

Father, are you tired of
hanging the same old ornaments

on your tree?
- Well you took

the words right outta my mouth.

- Bring back the true meaning of Christmas

with a brand new set of Bible balls.

(audience laughing)

- Decorative ornaments each with

a special hand painted
Bible verse constructed

of the finest durable plastic.

- Yeah.
(knuckles rapping)

- Our balls don't break, they bounce.

- And remember our motto,

if you've got the tinsel,
we've got the balls.

Whoo!

(audience clapping)

- Sorry to interrupt you Rev,

but the cops are upstairs
and they wanna talk to you.

- Oh dear, oh dear.

All right, Virgil
- Sorry.

- you come with me.

Robert Anne darling will you tell

the people the phone number, how to order.

- Sure.

So, if you'd like to purchase
any of these fine items,

just call 1-800-YES-NUNS

and tell 'em Robert Anne sent ya.

- Oh Robert Anne are you
buying something for Christmas?

- No I was just giving out the
number so folks could order.

Here come on.
- Cool.

You know what?

I know what you could buy
Sister Hubert for Christmas.

- You do?
- Yeah.

A can of bat begone.

- Bat begone, yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I heard her say that if the bishop

got rid of that old bat,

she'd be Mother Superior

and we wouldn't have all these problems.

(audience laughing)

- Oh Amnesia, that's just
Hubert getting on Rev's case.

Ah, you know the truth is they'd

be miserable without each other.

- Yeah, I'm scared of bats.

Woom, woom.

- Sister we don't--
- Robert Anne?

- Yeah?
- What do you want

for Christmas?
- Well,

(electronic dinging)

♪ I know that Christmas is a time ♪

♪ When we should pray for peace ♪

♪ We ask goodwill toward men and women ♪

♪ And their troubles cease ♪

♪ Glad tidings of great joy ♪

♪ We hope will come at Christmas tide ♪

♪ But putting all of that aside ♪

♪ There's one thing I can't hide ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas
is a one night stand ♪

♪ At Carnegie Hall with a big time band ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ Like Rudy the Reindeer ♪

♪ You will see ♪

♪ I'll go down in history ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas
is a one night stand ♪

♪ And I can own Steinway
baby I'll be grand ♪

♪ When I get back to basics ♪

♪ I know pride precedes a fall ♪

♪ And I'm really very grateful ♪

♪ To be singing for you all ♪

♪ Of course I know what Sister's taught ♪

♪ Humility's divine ♪

♪ But son of a gun ♪

♪ I'm a nun who wants a night to shine ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas
is a one night stand ♪

♪ At Carnegie Hall with a big time band ♪

♪ Or maybe just a billboard
or two around town ♪

♪ To let you know that I'll be there ♪

♪ Tearing that house down ♪

(trumpet blaring)
(audience clapping)

♪ All I want for Christmas
is a one night stand ♪

♪ At Carnegie Hall with a big time band ♪

♪ You won't need a kite to know ♪

♪ That I'm a live wire ♪

♪ 'Cause like a bolt of lightening ♪

♪ I'll set the place on fire ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas
is a one night stand ♪

♪ At Carnegie Hall ♪

♪ Hey we'll have a ball ♪

♪ At Carnegie Hall ♪

♪ 'Cause baby I'll be grand ♪

(trumpet blaring)
(audience clapping)

Yeah!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi there.
- Where's Reverend Mother?

I thought she was doing the home shopping?

- Oh oh she's upstairs in
the convent with Virgil

they're talking to the cops.

- The cops?
- Yeah.

- Why are we in trouble?
- No dear we're not

in trouble, but we will be if
we don't keep this show going.

- Oh yeah.

Well hey,

why don't we do the Christmas carol now?

- Oh good idea.
- Thank you.

- Are you guys willing to help us out

a little bit I hope?
- Sure.

- Will you help us out?
(audience clapping)

Well when they were on tour
with Sister Amnesia's Jamboree,

they wrote a tribute to Patsy Cline

using the titles of all of her hit songs.

So we thought it might be fun to create

a brand new Christmas
carol using the titles

of 25 of our favorite carols.

- Oh oh oh, why don't we
have the kids join us?

- Oh the more the merrier.
- That's a great idea.

You know why don't you go get 'em

and Sister Hubert and I will
teach the audience the chorus.

- Okay.
- All right.

Now the words are right here on the card.

- Now, we are gonna sing it the first time

and you are gonna join us
the second time all right?

Hello?

Father would you please start it up here?

Here we go.

♪ We wish you peace on earth ♪

♪ Good will and cheer ♪

♪ And all good things ♪

♪ In the coming year ♪

♪ May each day be merry and bright ♪

♪ And filled with blessings every night ♪

- Now you.

♪ We wish you peace on earth ♪

♪ Good will and cheer ♪

♪ And all good things ♪

♪ In the coming year ♪

♪ May each day be merry and bright ♪

♪ And filled with blessings every night ♪

- Very nice.

Very nice.

♪ The first noel was a silent night ♪

♪ As the shepherds watched their flocks ♪

♪ Away in a manger a babe was
born in a wooden stable box ♪

♪ What child is this ♪

♪ The wise men asked ♪

♪ On this o holy night ♪

♪ He is Jesus savior of the world ♪

♪ Born to set things right ♪

- Here we go.

♪ We wish you peace on earth ♪

♪ Good will and cheer ♪

♪ And all good things ♪

♪ In the coming year ♪

♪ May each day be merry ♪

- Nice.
♪ and bright ♪

♪ And filled with blessings every night ♪

♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Of a rose from Jesse's stem ♪

♪ For unto us a child is born ♪

♪ In the little town of Bethlehem ♪

♪ Go tell it on the mountain now ♪

♪ Three ships are sailing here ♪

♪ O Tannenbaum O Tannenbaum ♪

♪ Good tidings to you and your king ♪

- Here we go.

♪ We wish you peace on earth ♪

♪ Good will and cheer ♪

♪ And all good things ♪

♪ In the coming year ♪
- Beautiful.

♪ May each day be merry and bright ♪

♪ And filled with blessings every night ♪

♪ I'll be home for Christmas soon ♪

♪ In a winter wonderland ♪

♪ Sleigh bells ring and carolers sing ♪

♪ With a Salvation Army band ♪

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord has come for all ♪

♪ A white Christmas is guaranteed ♪

♪ As snowflakes start to fall ♪

♪ All the children are tucked in bed ♪

♪ Waiting for Santa Claus ♪

♪ While up on the housetop
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ♪

♪ And Santa pause ♪

♪ Frosty the snowman is looking swell ♪

♪ 'Cause it's 18 fahrenheit ♪

♪ Merry Christmas is
all that's left to say ♪

♪ As we sing together tonight ♪

- Everyone.

♪ We wish you peace on earth ♪

♪ Good will and cheer ♪

♪ And all good things ♪

♪ In the coming year ♪

♪ May each day be merry and bright ♪

♪ And filled with blessings every night ♪

(audience clapping)

- Nice job!
- Thank you.

- Very nice kids, good job.

Good singers.

- The police said they
would do what they can

but they don't hold out much hope.

- Hope, hope for what?

- The presents.
- The presents?

What presents?
- The Christmas presents.

- You didn't know all the presents

under our Christmas tree were stolen?

- (laughs) No, no one stole the presents.

I gave them to the Conkel's.

- What?
- What?

- The Conkel's.

You know the poor family
that lives behind the school.

When they came over to
see our Christmas tree

and the kids saw all the presents,

oh they got so excited.

- Amnesia, those weren't
your presents to give away,

how could you do that?

- Well I hope they like the
"Sweatin' to the Oldies" video

I bought you Regina.
(audience laughing)

- Well I know they're gonna
like that new DVD player

I got Sister Robert Anne.

- You got me a DVD player?
- Yeah.

- We gotta get those presents back.

(audience laughing)

Maybe she could tell
'em it's all a mistake?

- She can't do that.

- We'll just have to offer
it up for the poor souls.

- Well it looks like we're the poor souls.

- But wait, you don't understand.

I mean if you coulda
seen those kids' faces

when they saw all the presents.

- That may be darling,

but you still had no
right to give 'em away.

- Funny, that's what Mr. Conkel said too.

Yeah, he said he bought a
lottery ticket for Christmas

and they would be just fine.

Well I knew then that
I had to do something.

I mean those kids couldn't count

on Santa Claus winning the lottery.

So, I talked Mr. Conkel
into taking the presents

and he gave me the lottery ticket.

- Great, so all we have to
do now is win the lottery.

- Well you know she did win
the Publishers' Clearinghouse.

- Oh, what time is it?

Sister Winifred, could
you switch the monitor

to the all news channel?

- Ooh, that's impossible.
- Well it can't hurt to check.

Put that thing out here, put it here.

Just a little.

It can only help.

- Good evening I'm your Lambda Vega.

There were four first
prize winning tickets

worth over $32,000 each in
last night's pick five drawing.

Tonight's winning Take Five numbers are

15.
- 15!

- 27.
- 27 oh be still my heart.

- 28.
- 28 yes!

- 14.
- 14!

- Oh praise!
- And 10.

- 10 !

♪ Gloria hear that ♪

(people celebrating)

- Who said lightening
doesn't strike twice huh?

- What are we gonna do
with all that money?

♪ Oh we should build a brand new school ♪

♪ We should build a brand new school ♪

♪ It should have a swimming pool ♪

♪ It should have a swimming pool ♪

♪ We should buy a Cadillac ♪

♪ Yes we need a Cadillac ♪

♪ We should give the ticket back ♪

♪ We should give the ticket back ♪

- Are you crazy?
- She's lost her mind.

- Amnesia gave them the presents.

- Well that was before she
knew it was a winning ticket.

- But it's not as if we were
gonna do something selfish

with the money.
- Oh well, that's different.

Robert, I suppose since
the Conkel's are driving

that beat up old truck,

you'll be giving them a
ride in your new Cadillac.

- Well I could.

- Ah Hubert, as I recall
just a few minutes ago

you were the one who was so
anxious to see if we'd win.

- Yeah, yeah, I traded fair and square.

- That's right you did.

So, why should she give it back?

- Because I couldn't live with myself

and neither could any of you if we didn't.

We should give the ticket back because

it's the right thing to do.

- Oh, bye bye Cadillac.

- I just hate it when you're right.

- Do you think they'll
give the presents back?

- Amnesia, I can almost guarantee it.

There's a lesson here for all of us

♪ Though it's been said before ♪

♪ At times like this we need to be ♪

♪ Reminded once more ♪

♪ That we like to be remembered ♪

♪ With a gift or two ♪

♪ There's something more rewarding ♪

♪ That can mean much more to you ♪

Let me tell you what I mean.

♪ It's better to give
than it is to receive ♪

♪ For in giving you get back much more ♪

♪ That's what we believe ♪

♪ It's better to give no
matter large or small ♪

♪ 'Cause the gift you get from giving ♪

♪ Will make you 10 feet tall ♪

Stand with me here.

♪ There's days of blues upon us ♪

♪ And it's time to get your shot ♪

♪ Who'd you rather be ♪

♪ The giver or the got ♪

♪ When that doorbell rings ♪

♪ And the doctor pays a call ♪

♪ Once you see that ♪

♪ You'll know what's down the hall ♪

♪ It's better to give
than it is to receive ♪

♪ For in giving you get back much more ♪

♪ That's what we believe ♪

♪ It's better to give ♪

♪ No matter large or small ♪

♪ For the gift you get from giving ♪

♪ Will make you 10 feet tall ♪

♪ Make you tall ♪

♪ Make you tall ♪

♪ Suppose you're playing football ♪

♪ And a pass is thrown your way ♪

♪ If you're the team's receiver ♪

♪ You can make the winning play ♪

♪ Yeah but that's just the exception ♪

♪ That proves the rule you see ♪

♪ And the rule you should remember ♪

♪ That giving is the key ♪

♪ It's better to give
than it is to receive ♪

♪ For in giving you get back much more ♪

♪ That's what we believe ♪

♪ It's better to give ♪

♪ No matter large or small ♪

♪ For the gift you get from giving ♪

♪ Will make you 10 feet tall ♪

♪ 10 feet tall ♪

♪ Go on and give ♪

♪ Go on and give ♪

♪ Yes I can give ♪

♪ Come on and give ♪

♪ Come on and give ♪

♪ Come on and give ♪

♪ If you see a child ♪

♪ Who's very poor indeed ♪

♪ Then you'll know that child ♪

♪ Is desperately in need ♪

♪ Give that child the smallest gift ♪

♪ And you'll receive a smile ♪

♪ It'll make you feel like singing ♪

♪ And dancing in the aisle ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ It'll make you tall ♪

♪ Oh I know ♪

♪ It'll make you tall ♪

♪ Bring it on down ♪

♪ It'll make you tall ♪

♪ Woo that sounds sweet ♪

All right now we wanna hear you

put your hands together like this.

(hands clapping)
Come on.

Oh that sounds good.

Now that you're all feeling
really good tonight,

we wanna hear you shout,

♪ It'll make you tall ♪

- Ready?

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ You get back much more ♪

♪ That's what we believe ♪

♪ For we believe ♪

♪ No matter ♪

♪ If you give a feeling ♪

♪ It'll make you 10 feet tall ♪

- Once more now.
(trumpet blaring)

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ No matter large or small ♪

♪ I tell you ♪

♪ The gift you give ♪
(trumpet blaring)

♪ I said the gift you gave ♪
(trumpet blaring)

♪ I said the gift you get ♪

♪ Will make you 10 feet ♪

♪ Tall ♪

♪ Tall ♪
(Trumpet blaring)

♪ Yeah ♪

(audience clapping)

♪ Christmas time is nunsense time ♪

♪ At Mount Saint Helen's School ♪

♪ Christmas time is funsense time ♪

♪ And joy is the rule ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ho ho ho ♪

♪ But before it's time to go ♪

♪ We want to say thanks everyone ♪

♪ For coming to our show ♪

♪ God bless each and all of you ♪

♪ And your friends and family too ♪

♪ May your New Year's dreams come true ♪

(audience clapping)

- Thank you John!
- Thank you John!

(upbeat music)
(audience clapping)

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- How are you?
- Thank you.

(upbeat music)
(people chatting)

- I'll fix it in the edit.

Hey, who's giving me a ride to cast party?

Nobody.

Taxi!