Nun of That (2008) - full transcript

- Whoo!

- Man, the food
here got lots better

when they took Vinny's
momma off the stage

and put her in the kitchen.

- Yeah, but I'm gonna miss her.

These new girls they
ain't got no tits.

- Mom, I see the
menu hasn't changed.

You'll spoil your appetite.

This is.

How can we sit here and eat

when three of our boys have
been killed in the past week?



- Yeah, you hear
about No Nose Tony?

They're still scraping his
guts off of the sidewalk.

- You guys are mental.

He fell fixing his roof.

- That's bullshit.

I don't feel safe.

- Lucky, you wouldn't feel safe

fucking in a field
of four-leaf clovers.

I gotta go take a squirt.

- Now where are you going?

- I'm going to the
choke the cannoli.

I'll be right back.

You're a real fucking class
act, Cheech, you know.

Mary Mother of God.



- Do something.

- Baby, you've been replaced.

- That's one hell of a nun.

- I wanna know
who's the sick fuck

who okayed that whore
to dress like that?

- Damned if I know.

I didn't even know
they hired a new girl.

- Can you believe that
fucking Lucky, Bobo?

I swear to god if his mother
didn't run the operation

he'd be taking swimming
lessons in the Providence River

with concrete water weights.

Bobo.

Hey, Bobo!

Bobo, what gives?

This ain't no game
of hide and seek.

Bobo!

- Hi, I got a confession
for ya, Sister.

I only wear this ring
to pick up the chicks.

- Oh, baby, when
I'm done with you,

you know what you're
gonna be picking up?

- What's that, Sister?

- Your fucking
guts off the floor.

Does anyone else have
something to confess?

- There's a killer on the!

- Boss, I got someone down
here you should take a look at.

- Kill her.

- I hope my dear mother
doesn't find out about this.

- You bitch!

I'm gonna eat your fucking
guts like they were manicotti.

- Ta-da!

- Jesus Christ.

- Where's Corbucci?

- Cor, who?

I don't know any
Corbucci, I swear to God.

- You can swear to God
all you want, jerk off.

I do his dirty work,

and I can tell you that God
doesn't give one fuck about you!

- Please, I'm a good Catholic.

- Where is he?

I was told he'd be here tonight.

You have three seconds.

- A hitman disguised as a nun,

now I fuckin' seen
it all, haven't I?

- Corbucci,
shouldn't you be home

fucking your mother?

- Nice talk.

That's, really that's nice talk.

But none of that matters anymore

because now I've got you.

Vengeance is mine, bitch.

- I knew she was
no match for them.

- She didn't have time
for proper training,

for proper guidance.

We've become to hasty in sending

these novices out
into the field.

- But there was no time.

Operation Friday Plant
was a top priority

as you well know, Sister.

- With Sister Envy eliminated,

who's going to take her place?

- The next chosen nun
is many miles away,

and we have been watching
this nun closely.

And this nun is dynamite.

- Really, Sister
Kelly, I can see

that I should take at least
partial responsibility for this.

I should have made

your first solitary
meditation a little longer,

after the um, the
shower incident.

- Hey, don't try to pin
that on me, Mother Superior,

that wasn't my fault.

- Nonsense!

In all of my years in giving
service to the good Lord,

I have never, ever seen
such reckless behavior.

- Have you ever noticed

how wonderful breasts
are, Sister Kelly?

- Huh?

- What a gift from
the Lord they are.

They have so many uses.

- Yeah, well, not
when you're a nun,

then they're about as useful
as hubcaps on a tractor.

- Oh, come one now, Sister
Kelly, that's not the spirit.

I mean your breasts are
like your two best friends,

they're always there
when you need them.

- Best friends hardly.

- You just haven't
properly learned

how to love your breasts.

Let me help show you how.

- For the last
time, Sister Sappho,

when are you gonna stop being
such a sucker for my tits?

- I can see now that
what happened that day

is a mere symptom
of a bigger problem

of temperament,
and self-control.

- But Mother, I-

- No, there is nothing
you can say to change.

- But he-
- No!

There is no mitigating
circumstances

in which you ever lay
hands on a priest.

- The laying on of hands
is venerated tradition,

but laying someone out
with a communion chalice

is something else entirely.

- Yes, Father, you're right.

I am sure that Sister
Kelly is sorry.

No!

I don't feel bad about it.

He was sodomizing one

of the parishioners
in the confessional.

God knows he deserved
worse, and I would have to

but those cups are
too damn flimsy

to bash somebody's head in with!

- The confessional is a
place of sacred secrecy.

No!

Look we've all had sex in
the confessional before,

but we are not all trying to
ball a 14-year-old girl scout.

- I was do nothing of the sort.

I was simply trying to-

- Grab her cookies.

- Enough!

Sister Kelly, I don't
care what the father

was doing in the confessional

or who he was doing
in the confessional,

that is not what
matters here today.

What matters is that you
are not fit to be a nun

at Our Lady of the
Blessed Passivity.

I've transferred
you to St. Vrains.

- No!

- Yes, St. Vrains of
the unrepentant sinner.

After a year there you will
be praying to come back.

- Have fun at St. Vrains.

That's where all
the bad girls go.

And when you get really bad,

you can come back to me.

Cocksucker.

- Hey now, got a
good look to you.

Cute face.

And that bag you're wearing

can't keep that slamming
body of yours under wraps.

You got a name, pudding?

Hey, I'm just trying
to be friendly.

- Hey, watch where you're going.

- She just couldn't take her
eyes off of Emilio back there.

- I'm sorry.

- Hey, now was that polite.

I just wanted to know
what your name was.

- My name's Kelly Johnson.

I'm a novice in the
Carmelite order of nuns.

- Hey.
- Really?

'Cause I thought
your name was pussy.

And you're gonna be working
for me from here on out, pussy.

It's time for you to
eat the host, Sister.

- How about some nuts
for an appetizer?

- You fucking bitch!

She's not gonna
give it up easy, Emilio.

- Shut up.

Come hold her down.

- You better watch out
you don't hurt yourself.

Can't just bust in a
nun like any old bitch.

The cherries are all pit.

You could snap it off in there.

- Broken harder
pussies than this one.

- Tiny, put here up face down.

She wants to be a
pain in the ass,

can play that way too.

- Which one of you
motherfuckers is next to die?

- Stupid fuckin', whore!

- Monsters!

Try to rape a nun!

- Hey, pussy.

I'm not done with you yet.

- Sister Kelly Johnson.

- Yeah, you must
be from St. Vrains.

- Sister Kelly Johnson,
prepare to meet your maker.

- What?

- Are you Sister Kelly?

- Yes, I, um, did I,
have I, is this hell?

- No, it's not hell, toots.

- Who are you?

- Well, I'm Oscar,
your guardian angel.

- Guardian angel?

Where the hell were
you when those goons

where trying to rape me?

- Wait, back off.

- And where the hell where you

when I was getting
my ass blown away

by an AK-47, huh?

Some guardian angel you are.

- Bitch, I was buying smokes.

Do you have any idea how hard
it is to get menthol up here?

Now get off my fucking case

before I send you
straight to hell.

Angels can do that you know.

- Okay, okay.

- Geez Louise.

Come on Sister Short Fuse,
I got somethin' to show ya.

- Sisters and
Sisters, I am pleased

to introduce to you
tonight's main attraction.

The Gurby parishioner
is proud to present

the one, the only, the king.

- You have Elvis here?

- No, not, not quite.

Is that?

- Yes, it is.

That's the J Man.

Ain't he a beaut?

- Why are you still naked?

- 'Cause I'm an angel.

- This is amazing.

- I know.

He wants to meet with you
backstage after the performance.

Hey, Chief, I got
someone here to see ya.

- I'm so glad you could
make it, Sister Kelly.

Oscar, hand 'em over.

- But, boss.

- Thank you.

You can go no, Oscar.

- You know my name, Lord.

- Please, call me
husband not Lord.

Bride of Christ means just that,

I'm married to every last nun,

which is ironic
because back on earth

that would make me a Mormon.

- Uh, why am I here, husband?

- To train.

- What?

- I'm sending you back
as a emissary on earth.

- Uh, I'm no prophet.

I, I wouldn't know what to say,

and people keep telling me

that I have this
wicked temper problem.

- I'm not sending you
back as a prophet.

I'm sending back as a
sanctified crusader,

a member of the Order
of the Black Habit.

- The what?

- The Order of the Black Habit.

Since you've already
gained access into heaven,

you know mortal sins aren't
a problem for you anymore.

Let's face it some
people just need to die.

- What?

Don't get all
bent out of shape about it.

I mean these are people that
weren't gonna be saved anyway.

You know like drug dealers,
and pimps, mafia dons,

CEOs of major corporations,
you know that kind of thing.

- This is got to be
some sort of mistake.

- No, it's not.

I've seen your
work back on earth.

The Order of the Black Habit
would be a perfect fit for you.

- Well, what do I have to lose?

- That's the spirit.

But first we train.

- Oh, the Order of
the Black Habit,

why didn't I think
of that before?

It all makes sense, yeah.

You think I'm fuckin' idiot?

You seriously gonna sit there

and look at me in my eye,

and tell me there's
a secret organization

of supernatural vigilante nuns,

what do I look like, huh?

What do I fucking look like?

The type of mook?

- I'm telling you the truth.

You must believe me.

For over 1500 years The
Order of the Black Habit

has been fighting crime

and keeping the
world safe from evil.

They answer only to the pope.

- Boss, uh, maybe he's
tellin' the truth.

I mean after all he is a priest.

- I swear to God in heaven,

I wouldn't lie to
you, Mr. Corbucci.

- I believe you, I really do.

I'll tell you what,

you tell me where their
hideout is, Priest,

and I swear on my
mother's grave,

I'll let you walk out of here.

- You don't understand,
every member of the clergy

has taken an oath of silence
concerning the details

of The Order of the Black Habit.

I'll be damned to
Hell for all eternity

if I utter a word.

- Hell?

Hear that boys,
he's afraid of hell.

You see I'm the one you
should be afraid of, Priest.

All the fires of hell
are nothing compared

to what I got in store for you

if you don't start talking.

- Our Father, who art in
heaven, hallowed be thy name.

- Untie him.

- Thy kingdom come.

- It's not Friday is it boys?

- No, boss, it's
uh, it's Tuesday.

- Good, then we can
have meat for dinner.

- No, Vincent, my son.

For the love all that's
holy don't do this.

I'm married you and your wife.

- Yeah, and I hate that bitch.

No, no!

- Now I know why cows are
sacred, they taste divine.

- I'm supposed to learn
how to fight from you?

You're a pacifist.

- Oh, you are mistaken.

I was never a pacifist.

I mastered fighting
without fighting,

the highest level of martial
arts you can achieve,

which is why they send
all new recruits to me.

- Fair enough.

So what do I get to learn first?

- Oh, the deadliest of
all martial arts, nun fu.

- Hey, aren't you suppose to
teach me some moves first?

- No, need, these are demon
ninjas that were created

to harmonize your body with
the fighting spirit within you.

The harder you fight the more
knowledgeable you will become.

Now enough talk.

Let's get it on.

- I give up.

They're too much, I can't win.

- Get up, I will have no
coward nuns in my dojo.

- Whatever happened to
turn the other cheek?

Silly Sister,
these are demon ninjas.

Now get up and find
your inner warrior nun.

Congratulations, you have
reached the highest level

of understanding
of unarmed combat.

There is nothing
further I can teach you.

Just remember the nun

that hesitates
horizontally meditates.

- So Mohamed says to the hooker,

"That's all I get for a buck."

- What the hell was that?

- Oh, don't mind him.

Gandhi, fantastic instructor,
brilliant martial artist,

he's just a little-

- He hit me with a
fucking cattle prod!

- Sounds like she got off easy.

- That's right, Lord.

- Well, here's something that'll
put a smile on your face.

- I quit, I quit!

- Are you sure
this okay, husband?

- Well, you gotta learn to shoot

and he's gotta learn
to quit smoking

so it all works out.

- There are some commandments
that are not written in stone.

- And what are those,
oh mighty Moses?

- Thou shall not fuck with nuns.

- Well, that was fun.

- Yeah.

- Well, it's nearly time,
are you ready to go back?

- Oh, I don't feel ready,

and I don't wanna leave you.

Well, I'm sure we'll be seeing

each other at some point.

Good luck down there.

No.

We'll have none of that.

- Sister Lust, how do
you like your sausage?

- Hot, thick, and juicy.

- Uh, do you want
it in your buns?

I mean on a bun, the singular,
not the pubic, the plural.

- Honey, at this point
I'll take it any way

and anywhere I can get it.

- How do you get a nun pregnant?

- How?
- You dress her up

as an altar boy.

Mother Superior,
in five, four, three, two.

- Welcome back from
paradise, Sister Wrath.

- Sister Wrath?

- Yes, you've been rechristened

now that you're
the newest member

of The Order of the Black Habit.

- Are you ready to pass judgment

on those who would prey on
the weak and the helpless?

- Are you willing
to send the scum

of the earth straight to hell?

- Okey-dokey.

- What?

- First let me make
some introductions.

I'm the Mother
Superior of St. Vrains.

You may just call me Mother.

This is my assistant,
Father Sheamus O'Bannon.

He handles logistics,
blesses our weapons,

and takes care of
all the little things

that help our
convent run smoothly.

Also Father Francis Thomas.

He conducts weddings,
takes confession,

and also cooks our meals.

And I believe you've already met

some of our other initiates.

Sisters Lust,
Pride, and Gluttony.

- These are the freaks
that shot me in the alley.

- God's will, bitch.

- Sister Gluttony!

It was predestination.

You had to die in
order to be reborn.

It's, it's.

- It's a mystery.

- Yes, quite.

Now for your first mission.

It is traditional for
a nun to take care

of the person that
killed their predecessor.

- Predecessor?

- This is, was Sister Envy.

She was murdered while trying
to take out Ricardo Corbucci,

one of the most feared members
of the Rizzo crime family.

For the past 10 years
the Rizzo crime family

have committed all
manner of crimes

against the people of this city.

Their primary business
is in prostitution

and as a result they
have a huge presence

in human trafficking,
narcotics, and bribery,

and they're not afraid

to kill any one that
gets in their way.

- Corbucci and his
men take their orders

from Louise Rizzo,
aka Momma Rizzo,

arguably the fiercest
mobster on the East Coast.

She's also, we believe
responsible for the death

of Father Jacob
Michaels this week.

- One morning we
awoke to what appeared

to be a fresh
shipment of hamburger

on the front door of our church.

Good thing we
discovered his church ID

while making meatballs out of
him for the homeless shelter.

Now go forth, Sister Wrath,

load your guns with bullets

and fill your heart with
the love of the Lord.

- Detective Vargas, we
found these near the body.

- Saint Christopher's medal,
used to wear these as kids.

Not a Catholic, huh?

- No, sir, Baptist.

- Saint Christopher carried the
baby Jesus across the river,

that's what Christopher
means, Christ bearer.

He's supposed to look over
you, you know protect you.

- Well, he didn't
do such a good job

with these stiffs, did he?

- Unless he was
protecting someone else.

Have it checked for prints.

Right away, Detective Vargas.

- I've been trying to
catch you and your buddies

for over a year now, fuck face.

I guess somebody up
there likes me after all.

- Sugar, you better know
what you're doing in there.

This isn't Sunday school,
this is the real world.

- I'll be fine.

- I don't know, you
look like a little girl

from where I'm standing.

You look like you
might actually start

to cry if there's trouble.

- Fuck off!

- Remember, you're not a cat,

as a nun you only have two lives

if you get blown away tonight
then it's goodnight Irene.

- Why are fucking
riding me, bitch?

- Because the first night
I saw you in that alley

I knew you weren't worthy

of being a member
of The Black Habit.

You're just a pussy nun.

- Sister Gluttony,

I'm gonna be the
habit that breaks you.

- Prepare to receive
good news, jive turkey!

You got serious moxie, kid.

Welcome to the club.

- So I woke up for two
days, my ma saw the coke,

she snorts it.

Ma, what you doing?

Boom.

- I've been living
there all my life.

You want a piece of chicken?

Yeah, all right, I'll take one.

- Hey, it's good Italian
chicken I'll tell ya.

- You want a meatball?

- Yeah, I want a meatball.
- You want a meatball,

here take your fuckin' meatball.

- Mr. Corbucci, what a pleasure
to see you this evening.

Your usual table I'm sure.

- That'll be just fine, Mario.

Thank you.

I see everybody's enjoying
their dinner tonight.

That's good, that's good.

We'll eat up, huh.

Gather your strength
'cause tomorrow,

tomorrow we go penguin hunting.

Yeah, you heard me.

I want a city wide search
of all the churches,

and I wanna find out who's
harboring these murderers,

and when you find 'em,

I want them deader than Judas.

- Oh, Madon' I hope my mother
doesn't find out about this.

- I want those fuckin' nuns
dead, dead, dead, dead!

Small potatoes, boss.

- What are you taking
about small potatoes?

Those nuns killed
some of our best men.

- No, boss, small
potatoes, I love 'em.

- Hey, sweet cheeks,
got someone to keep me

and my friend warm
for the ride home?

- Sure thing, greaseball.

- What the fuck was that?

- Everyone sit down
and shut the fuck up!

Okay, everyone, this is
what us nuns commonly refer

to as a come to Jesus meeting.

In other words we are gonna
find out who's been naughty

and who's been nice.

Bruno Cozzi, the
church finds you guilty

of the sins of extortion,
murder, and drug trafficking.

How do you plead?

- Uh, uh, uh, I'm innocent.

I was framed.

- Wrong answer.

What's going in there?

- There's a really
pissed off nun in there

inflicting a righteous judgment.

- Lucio Bavo, the
church finds you guilty

of the sins of
murder, racketeering,

and child pornography,
you sick fuck.

How do you plead?

- I demand the right to
speak to an attorney.

Sure thing.

You'll find plenty
of 'em in hell.

- Lucio!

- I told him to stay
away from the child porn.

- Okay, here's the fuckin' plan.

- Guilty!
- Vincent, Paulie,

you guys go to the rear
and call for backup.

- Guilty.
- What,

what should I do, boss?

- You're gonna kill
that fuckin' nun.

- Okay.

What?

- Now I know you might all think

that I have a bit
of temper problem

but there's just
something about mobsters

that really cheeses me off.

- They don't call me
Lucky for nothing.

- You're so unlucky that
you could fall into a barrel

of tits and come out
sucking your thumb.

Oh, no.

My hand.

- She'll be fine.

- If any of you could tell me

where I could find
Richie Corbucci,

I just might let you go back

to finishing your overpriced
chicken cacciatore.

- Hey, penguin.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, calm
down, huh, no hard feelings.

I'll tell you what, I swear
on my grandmother's eyes,

you put that gun down

I'll let you walk
out of here alive.

- Well, I bet she
won't see this coming.

- Oh, thank god, I'm alive.

Holy shit!

- Get in.

Are you hurt, are you okay?

- No, I'm fine,
hardly a scratch.

- And?

- Dead, they're all
dead, Corbucci included.

- Well, well, I think this
calls for a celebration.

- Ooh, oh, baby.

- Ooh.

- That was nice.

Now who wants some?

- I'm gonna feel
it in the morning

but it's always worth it.

- What the bubbly or the bottle?

Well, both if you're
doing it right.

- Well, you can't have it.

It's my party so I get
the bottle if I want it.

- Then you can have it.

- What, I'm willing to share.

- Ooh.

- Father Thomas,
are you peeping?

- Uh, no, no, um, uh, I was
just uh, polishing the knob.

The, the doorknob 'cause
it, it was, it was dusty.

- Well, Father, anytime you
wanna taste the forbidden fruit

you know which door to knock on.

- Oh, dear Lord help me.

Let's get
three of 'em down there

and get all those people-

- Captain, we got one
more possible witness here.

- Here?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Those people stay in back.

Make sure you get a name.

- Someone wasn't very
happy with their bill.

- We got 10 stiffs in total
all from the Rizzo family.

Two of 'em are gonna
be a bitch to identify.

- Why is that, Sam?

- Well, how do
use dental records

when their heads are blown off?

- I told you this case was
gonna be like pulling teeth.

- We found him hiding
in the upright freezer

near the rib roast.

He says, "His name
name is Mario Dematto."

- Hey, Mario, be a pal will you,

tell us who did this,

otherwise I'm
gonna have to stick

you back in the freezer, okay.

Come on, you can do it.

Come on, let it out.

Come on, we get paid by
the hour now, come on.

That's it, sweetheart,
come on, let it out.

- Nun!

- What's the good word, Vargas?

- Well, it looks like
what we have here

is a psychopathic vigilante nun

armed with a 12 gauge shotgun
on savage murder spree.

- You know that's just the
kind of story the press

is gonna love to blow
out of proportion.

- What?

What?

You just let another nun stroll
into one of our businesses

and whack half my best men.

- Got a arm full
of balls here, kid.

- What have you gone all faggoty
on me, Richie, is that it?

- Hold still, Richie.

- No, Momma, it's not like that.

It's just that, you know.

- What do I know?

The only thing I know is I
gotta replace all these stiffs,

and if you don't start
showing me some results

fuckin' pronto, you'll
get replaced to.

Now what's the goddamn
problem, Richie?

- The problem is, is
that they're nuns.

Every time they show
up my boys they freeze.

They think that if they kill nun

they'll go straight to hell.

- Come on.

- Or worse.

- Are you fuckin' kidding me?

You kill who I
order you to kill.

I don't give a shit if
they're nuns, Mother Teresa

or Pope John Paul
I for fuck sake.

- Momma, Pope John
Paul I is already dead.

- Shut up, I know that.

Don't you think I know that?

I was speaking metaphorically.

Just look at what they
did to my poor boy.

Now I'm gonna have to go back
to wiping his fanny again

like when he was six.

- Momma, jeez, not
in front of the guys.

- Momma, I don't
mean any disrespect

but why you hate nuns so much?

- Well, years ago before I
became the most feared mom boss

in all of New England,
I, I wanted to be a nun.

Shut up shit stain,

I'm tellin' an emotional
story over here.

- I'm sorry, Momma.

- Well, those twittering little
twats down at the convent

they said, "I was too
uncouth for the sisterhood."

You believe that
happy horse shit?

- I'm overwhelmed
with incredulity.

- Me too, uncouth my balls.

Well, when they wouldn't
let me pledge myself to God,

I sold my soul to the Devil

for wealth, and
power, and beauty.

And now to honor Satan I help
him by damming those souls.

I provide people with vices

like drugs, and alcohol
and gambling, and whores.

- Momma, you feeling all right?

- You think I'm crazy don't you?

Well, I'll show you who's crazy.

I have a solution to
our little problem.

A killer who doesn't fear
anyone not even the clergy.

- Oh, the jew-manity.

- Viper, you got a call.

- This better be good.

All right, I'll be
there in a half hour.

- Jeez, Viper, Lou's dead.

- He was dead the minute he
stepped in the ring with me.

- Momma, I don't
mean any disrespect

but I don't feel too comfortable

about bringing an outsider
down here to do our job.

I mean I got a
reputation to uphold

and the boys they look up at me.

- Lucky, get the door.

- Ma, come on, look at me.

Who the hell are you?

Listen, the Silverbird bar
mitzvah two doors over.

So uh, why don't you take
it on the heels, okay?

Look, jew boy, why don't you
take that hook nose of yours

and get the hell.

- Well, I haven't seen you
since Christ was a cowboy.

Richie, let me introduce you

to Viper Goldstein,
the murderist mohel.

He once wiped out a whole
gang in an afternoon

and still made it home on
time for an evening bris.

Viper, say hello to the boys.

- Shalom, scumbags.

- So Viper, do you think
you can help rid us

of our little problem?

- Sure, and this week
I'm running a special,

5,000 for priest, 10,000 for
bishops, and 1,000 for nuns.

- Why so cheap for nuns?

- I like killing nuns.

- Ma, you can't just
let some Hebrew hard-on

walk in here and take
over our operation.

- And why not?

- Because his people
killed Christ.

- Well, do you have anything
you'd like to add to this?

- His fighting
style's uh unorthodox.

- Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep,

if I die before I wake, I
pray the Lord my soul to take.

God bless Mother Superior,
Father O'Bannon, the Sisters,

Smith, Wesson,
President Jimmy Carter,

whoever invented beer.

- Are you asleep, Sister Wrath?

- No.

You can call me Kelly.

- You can call me Jenna.

Kelly, can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- Why did you join
the sisterhood?

- Well, I'm an orphan.

- Sorry.

What happened to your parents?

- My dad was a cop working

on a case involving the
Falsto crime family.

- I think I've heard of them.

Didn't they-
- When I was 12

I woke up to the
sound of gunshots

coming from the living room.

I just thought it was the TV,

so I ran down there,
and I saw my parents

being shot to death
by a mafia hitman.

- What did you do?

- What could I do?

I hid as fast as I could.

Took everything I had
not to scream or cry,

but I saw them, I saw them die.

- Kelly, I'm sorry.

- After that I was
sent to an orphanage.

It was seeing the Sisters there

that made me wanna become a nun.

When I made my vows to
God I made another vow

and this one to myself.

I vowed to exterminate
every single member

of the Falsto crime family

for what they did to my family.

- Oh, my god that was you.

- Yeah, that was me.

So why'd you become a nun?

- Well, my story's not
as colorful as yours.

My parents sent me to a convent.

- Why?

- Well, I was different.

- Different?

Different like how?

I like girls.

- Well, who doesn't?

- I like girls a lot.

Oh.

There's room for two.

What?

- Do you really wanna
have sex this way?

- I thought that's how
you were suppose to do it.

- Let me show you how we
have sex in the convent.

Eat me!

Lick me up like a dog!

- Dear Lord, it's your
humble servant Sister Lust.

Now I don't ask for
much from you Lord,

but can you please send
me some cock pronto.

White cock, brown cock, yellow
cock, it doesn't matter.

Five inches, six inches,

I don't need some John Holmes
motherfucker to be happy.

Now every day I risk
my ass for you Lord,

at least you could so is give
me something to put in it.

- It's not easy being the boss.

- Tell me about it.

Hey there, Momma.

Sounding a little tense.

- Oh, it's you.

You had me worried.

- Oh, there's nothing to
be worried about darling.

Listen, why don't you let me rub

some of that tension
out of you, huh?

- Oh, that's good.

It's those fucking nuns again.

You know the story.

But I got someone to help out.

You're gonna like
him, nice Jewish boy.

- Oh, that'd be Viper
Goldstein, yeah.

He's good in a pinch.

His organization hasn't
changed with the times.

Nuns nowadays use
automatic weapons.

They'd grind him up into Hebrew
National Sausage tout suite,

unless you catch 'em when
they least expect it.

Send him to Barnun tonight,

you'll get the results
you're looking for.

- But how will we
know they'll be there,

Lord of the Flies, my
Prince of Darkness?

No need for formals, baby,

we go way back you and I.

Call me Samael or Sammy,
it's easier on the tongue.

- Okay, Sammy, but how
will we make this happen?

Don't worry your
pretty little head about that.

I've got a contact
on the inside,

everything's gonna be
perfect, just perfect.

- Someone on the inside.

What is it you're
not telling me?

- Don't you worry about that.

Have I ever led you astray?

What a man, what a man.

- Mother Superior is on
retreat for a couple days,

so she has asked me
to do the briefing

for your next mission.

- Father O'Bannon,
no disrespect,

but we only take our orders
from Mother Superior.

This is totally
against protocol.

- These orders
come down directly

from the Vatican,
Sister Gluttony,

so if you don't
mind we'll continue.

It's come to church's attention

that a group of rogue nuns

has established a terrorist
stronghold at this night club.

It's the Vatican's belief
that they're looking

to overthrow Holy Mother Church,

and begin a new order based
on pre-Vatican II doctrine.

We cannot allow this to happen.

You're to go there tonight,

gather as much
information as you can,

return for a debriefing,

so the intelligence
can be relayed to Rome

as soon as possible.

- Well, do we have a
contact at the club?

Are we looking for
any one specific?

I mean if they're
actually terrorist-

- No questions, Sister Wrath.

Much like the Bible itself

some things must
be taken on faith.

- Taking orders from
a man I feel so dirty.

- Well, whatever's going on

let's keep an eye out
for each other tonight.

- Password, bitches.

Ah, that's enough of that
shit, welcome to Barnun.

- Give me back my
rosary beads you whore.

- Come and get 'em, Sister.

It's not my first
time at the rodeo.

- Whoo hoo, slug her.

Hit that bitch.

- You weren't expected
back until late.

- What is the meaning of this?

- Oh, it's a mystery.

- Homicide, Vargas.

Hey, how are you?

I told you not to call me here.

Yeah, it's okay.

How are ya?

Yeah, yeah, I'd like
to get together,

do that, that thing on
top of the washer machine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wear that outfit I got ya, okay?

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, yeah, hold on a minute.

Larry.
- Yeah.

- Your wife on three.

Sweet mother of pearl,

this coffee taste
like it was brewed

in my grandmother's enema bag.

- I've had your grandmother's
enema bag blend,

it's smoother.

What do you got for me?

- We got a positive
fingerprint ID

on the Saint Christopher
medal, Detective Vargas.

Her name is Sister
Kelly Johnson,

22-years-old, clean record.

- What are the chances
that she's the killer?

- None.

- Damn, you have a problem.

- The only problem I have is
that I'm out of lime wedges.

- All right, girls, let's
get down to business.

Sister Gluttony, Sister
Lust, you two sweep the bar,

see if you find any suspicious.

Sister Pride and I
will work the staff.

- Speaking of working the staff,

did you see how cute
Father Thomas's ass

looked in those
tight pants of his?

One of these days I'm
gonna throw him down

and ride him like Black Beauty.

Okay, okay, let's get to work.

- Hey, uh, Viper.

- What?

- Isn't it uh, that time
of year for you guys now?

- What do you mean?

- You know uh, Jewish
Christmas, happy harmonica

and all that shit, huh?

- It's Hanukkah you
fucking greaseball.

- Hey, hey, hey, Viper,
relax, relax, calm down.

You gotta excuse
Paulie over here,

speech is his second language.

- Hey, Viper.

- What now?

- Is it true what
they say that uh,

you got your pinky ring cut
off on your family jewels?

Uh-huh.

- Oy.

- Hold it.

Gotta hand over your weapons
if you wanna come in here.

- So what's that one called?

- Uh, Crucifix Nail, it's
tequila and holy water.

You know what I feel like doing?

- What?

- That's what.

- You taste like a salt lake.

- Hey, pillow lips,
you wanna dance?

- Beat it, Sasquatch,
she's my date.

- What's the matter
your little bitch

do all the talking for ya?

- From now on I think I'll
let my friend Mr. Bar Stool

do all the talking.

- Mr. Bar Stool?

- Now you've done it.

- What is it?

- It's a bomb.

- Okay, the way I see
it we have two options.

Option one, we go upstairs,
we tell the girls,

we go back to St. Vrains and
let Mother Superior know.

- That's not violent enough.

What's option two?

- Option two, we go in there,

we splatter their brains
all over the walls,

and gain sainthood
in the afterlife.

- Saint Lust, has a nice
ring to it don't ya think?

- Okay, Sisters,
put your hands up,

and step away from the bomb.

Corbucci, you're
supposed to be dead.

- I'm the Resurrection, bitch.

- Sisters, Sisters, this is
very un-nun like behavior.

- Shut up, pris.

- Jesus Christ.

- Jews.

- Hey, let's go upstairs
and see how Viper's doing.

- All right, boss.

Holy fuck, it's a miracle!

- It's not a miracle, ass
clown, it's bulletproof.

- You miserable slut!

I eat nuns for
fucking breakfast!

- You're gonna fucking
pay for that peckerwood.

- Tonight we find out who
the real chosen ones are,

sluts.

- You think you can scare us?

We're nuns, we don't know
the meaning of the word fear.

We are strong, dedicated woman

who laugh in the face of danger.

So if you think that you
can just waltz in here

and kill my fellow
women of the cloth,

you've got another thing coming.

- Come on, girls, let's get 'em!

- Yipes.

- Open the door, he's
gonna kill us all.

- We'll pray for you.

- All out?

Let's finish this
shit old school.

- My people invented
old school, bitch.

Let me introduce
to the Bronowitz
brothers, Levi and Eli.

They're CPAs.

- CPAs?

- Certified Penguin Assassins,

practitioners of the
ancient art of Jew Jitsu.

- Oy.
- Vey.

Mazel tov.

- God, now would be a really
good time for a miracle.

Behind the bar.

- What?

- Behind the bar, your miracle.

Good luck, sister.

- Uh, he fucking broke my nose.

- Decide that you'd
had enough old school?

- Let her go, I'll let you
walk out of here alive.

- How about instead
you let me go

and I let her live?

- Shoot him, Kelly,
I'm not afraid.

Looks like
what they say about nuns

going all lesbo when
they're locked up together

without any dick isn't that
far from the truth.

Mazel tov, bitch.

- Tell me who set us up.

- I can't okay.

I can't, okay, okay,
okay, I'll tell you, okay.

It was that Priest
O'Bannon okay.

He's the one you wanna kill,
you don't wanna kill me.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

- O'Bannon, huh.

That crucifix you're wearing.

- Yeah.

- Do you believe in Jesus?

- Oh, yeah, I believe in Jesus
with all my heart and soul,

I do, I do.

- You wanna meet him?

- Of course, yeah, bring 'em.

No, no, no, I don't wanna meet
him, I don't wanna meet him.

- Father, I think it's time
we heard your confession.

- Hey, what's with the
frickin' water works?

You can't have another
yeast infection already.

Fluci's Bakery down the street

doesn't pump out as
much sourdough as you.

- That's not it, Momma,
bitch don't wanna work.

- What do you mean
don't wanna work?

Listen, sweetie, what's wrong?

Tell Momma everything.

- It's, it's just this
client I have a date with.

- Mario Drip Dick Carcheri.

- He wants me to do
some really sick stuff.

- Honey, he's a man, all man
wanna do sick stuff with women,

otherwise we'd all
be out of a job.

Listen, pumpkin,

why don't you whisper
in Momma's ear

what he wants you to do.

Fuck me sideways
that is pretty sick.

- So you're not gonna make
me do it right, Momma?

- Oh, the fuck I'm not.

Set up a camera in there
and take some photos.

There's a big market
for that in Germany.

- No.

Ow!

- Those are for company.

- Ma.

- Douche.

Well, well, well,
who do we have here?

- She's a nun in The
Order of the Black Habit.

- Great, great.

Did you get the others?

- We got one, the
other two got away.

But I'm sure this
little bitch will serve

as the perfect nun bait
for the rest of them.

- And Richie and Paulie?

- Both dead.

- Ah, pity, I'll
miss them sort of.

Well, never send a goy

to do a man's work right, Viper?

While we're waiting for your
little friends to show up

I think I'll put you to work.

Make Momma back some of
the money you cost us.

You have an opening
for this one?

- I think I can find something
appropriately hideous.

- Keep an eye on her.

- I want first crack at her.

- Her?

Why her?

- I like fucking nuns.

- Oh, you are
downright evil, Viper.

I like that in a man.

You know maybe if you
play your cards right

you could take Corbucci's
place and Lucky's place too.

I know, I know he's my son,

but now he couldn't
win the bronze medal

in the Special Olympics.

I gotta go take a dump.

- What the fuck are you
looking at Jerry's kid?

- Where am I?

- From the looks of things
I'd say you're in hell.

- Sisters, what's,
what's gotten into you?

- Shut up.

Now before I blew that
scumbag Corbucci away

he told me, "You were
the rat behind this."

You fuckin' set us up.

- Now Sister Gluttony is dead,

and they've kidnapped
Sister Pride.

So Father, unless you tell
me where their hideout is,

I'm gonna turn you into
the holiest priest in town.

- Is that so?

You unholy whores always
resorting to violence

to solve your problems.

There was a time
when this church

truly believed in non-violence,

when the whole damn
thing was overseen

by wise, benevolent old men.

And now it's come to this,

a nun threatening to torture
a man anointed by the church.

- You're the one that
sold us out to the mob.

You think they're better?

- They're good
Catholics, they're men.

They go to confession

and repent when they've
had somebody killed,

rather than just rely on their
promised place in heaven.

- That's what it all comes
down to for you, isn't it?

That they're men.

- No, I'm just tired of you nuns

running the show around here.

Before you, we priests
actually meant something.

We were men with influence.

Mob bosses, politicians,
business men,

everybody listened
when we talked.

We were the ultimate gatekeepers
of the Kingdom of Heaven.

Now all we do
is wash the blood stains

out of your filthy habits.

- Now you know what women
were doing for years

before you came along.

- And that's as it should be.

- You'd send us to our deaths

just to keep what you see as
your rightful place in line?

You're one sick fuck, Father.

But I don't have time for
your bullshit theology.

You're going to tell me where
the mob took Sister Pride

or you'll be getting
your final judgment

sooner rather than later.

- Uh, I feel so guilty.

If I had just been here,

I might of been able
to prevent this.

- Thomas, you probably
would of gotten killed

right along with
Mother Superior.

Consider yourself blessed.

- Dear Lord, bless these
servants who fight in your name.

May their limbs be swift,
may their minds be nimble,

and may their bullets
always find their mark.

Amen.

- Thank you, Father Thomas.

Now you have to leave
here soon as possible,

we might of been
followed, promise?

- I promise, Sister.

He's a priest,

I could go straight to hell
for that, but I could die.

If I make it out of this
alive, Father Thomas,

I swear I'm gonna give
you something real juicy

to mention at confession.

Priest.

So do you have a plan?

- I do, but you're
not gonna like it.

- Does it involve
me killing bad guys?

- Sure does.

- Then I'm behind you a 100%.

Okey-dokey.

- Must be all playing
frickin' bingo.

- That must be the winner.

- Yeah, down here
fellas, yeah, this way.

Yeah, closer, closer.

What the fuck took
you assholes so long?

- Holy stigmata.

- Ah, oy vey, I don't know
whether to laugh or cry.

Don't worry, baby, I'll
be gentle at first.

- Welcome to Momma
Rizzo's Hooker Heaven.

How can we help you?

- I heard you were in the market

for some tender young chicken.

- We're always in the
market for some chicken

if it's fresh enough.

- Is 14 too old?

- No, it's perfect.

14 you say?

- Yeah, her mother's
a dirty smack whore,

she owes me some money,

so she lets me babysit
little brown sugar here.

- Nice.

Firm.

I'll give you $500 for her.

- Did you just call my
mother a dirty smack whore?

- I was acting.

Come on, let's go
find Sister Pride.

- I'm worth a lot more
than 500 bucks sansnatch.

- Don't worry,
baby, it's kosher.

- All right, you go
find Momma Rizzo,

and I'll find Sister Pride.

- All right.

Watch your ass in this
place, and your vag.

- Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, it's okay,

I'm not gonna rush anything.

I know the importance of
foreplay for you women.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you
wanna find some eggs, huh?

Honey, you wanna find some eggs?

- You're one sick fucking bunny.

- Got you now, bitch.

- Get off her or I'll blow
your fucking brains out.

- It's okay, baby.

- Put me you down you
jive ass motherfucker.

Gladly.

- Oh, my lucky fucking day,

they're falling like manna
from heaven.

- Caught this one
sneaking around.

I bet there's more
around here somewhere.

- Well, then let's go greet
our new visitors shall we?

- I love beating nuns.

- Well, what do we have here?

- Oh, very cute, you think
you can get the drop on me,

you got another thing coming.

Now we can both die here

or we can both walk out of here,

and hunt each other down later
like the dogs that we are.

- Only problem for you is.

- We work in pairs.

- I've hunted down
every last member

of the Falsto crime family

for what they did to my parents.

And before they died
every single one of them

told me the same thing,

"That they'd been
hired to do the job

by someone who called
herself Big Momma."

I don't suppose you know who
that could of been do you?

- Oh, fuck you, Sister.

Look I know you're gonna kill me

just do me the favor of
not boring me to death.

Oh, my daddy got killed
over business boohoo.

Wah, wah, wah, Mommy and
Daddy got gunned down.

Save it for the confessional.

I'm gonna make this hurt so bad,

you're gonna remember
me when you're dead.

Goodnight my sweet
little penguin.

- Momma.

- Lucky.

Fuck me.

- I guess I am lucky
after all, Momma.

- I think we'll be okay now.

- Freeze.

- It's not what it looks like.

- Sister Kelly Johnson, I'm
placing you under arrest

for murder, kidnapping, and
conspiracy to commit murder.

And you missy,
are an accomplice.

Let me at 'em, let me at 'em!

All I need is five
minutes alone with 'em!

- Take it easy, they're
nuns for Christ's sake.

- 12 years of Catholic
school, I want my revenge!

- Get out of here!

Look Sisters, I just want you
to know before we book you

that if I had my way I
would just let you off

with some strong warning or
community service or something.

- Yeah, you nuns did this
city a pretty big favor.

Problem is they're
gonna wanna repay you

with a one way ticket
to the electric chair.

- Who the hell is that?

- Hey, uh, what are ya doin'?

These ladies, they no
go to jail, officers.

- Your Holiness.

- They is protected
under the canon law.

I granted them a divine pardon.

- Dude, it's the fucking pope.

Can you believe that shit?

- Kiss, kiss.

Oh, yeah, oh yeah,
more, more, more.

Ah, yes, my precious
pious pussies

with the razor claws, and
the throbbing thoroughfares.

You make uh, Pope Corky
IV uh, very, very proud.

- And we can make you
a very, very happy man.

- Isn't this amazing?

- Yeah, I thought
they only liked boys.

- Well, I guess
it's like they say,

all's well that ends well.

- I'm gonna go take a
shower, you wanna come?

- Nah, I think I'm gonna sleep
for about a week after this.

- Suit yourself.

I'll be back in a minute
to keep you company.

- Cozy in here, isn't it?

- Aren't you supposed to
watching over Sister Wrath?

- Oh, she'll be fine,
that girl is a rock.

Angels like to cuddle.

- Get off of me.

- Hold me!

Why won't you hold me?

- Thought you were through
with me, demon bitch?

- Let me guess, you're gonna
rape me and then kill me,

probably in some sort
of demonic sacrifice.

- That would be my
choice if I had one.

- Oh, spare me.

You know what the difference
between you and me is?

- Hmm, that I have the gun

and you're the one
who has to shut up

or I'm going to kill you
slowly and painfully.

- Nope.

The difference is one of
us isn't scared to die.

- Oh, the boss is gonna
be sore over this one.

- Is this hell?

- Hell?

Why you little
communion wafer pusher.

- Help, no!

Oh, Father, I, I need
hail Mary full of grace.

Momma!

- I think there's been a mix up.

Jesus.

- You've got to be kidding me.

Oh, it's no joke, Sister.

You committed the
gravest sin imaginable,

and for that you get to
spend eternity here with me

where your flesh will be
ripped from its bones,

your eyes gouged
from their sockets,

and your limbs torn apart,

only so you can be
put back together,

and have it done all over again,

and there's not a damn thing
that you can do about.

- Oh, there's something
I can do about it.

- Oh, and what's that, child?

- I'm gonna kick
your fucking ass.

- So you're not gonna talk, huh?

- Listen, how many times
do I gotta tell ya,

I'm not saying
anything to you pigs

until after I talk to my lawyer.

Oh, no.

What the hell was that?

- I ain't having none of that.