Nuit d'ivresse (1986) - full transcript

DRUNKEN NIGHT

The train from Basel and Strasbourg
is arriving at platform 7.

Stand well back.

Wake up.

Give me a break.

Unbelievable.

Wake up, you!

The hookers are over that way.

Don't try it.

Are you deaf?

I'm not a whore.



- What did you say?
- Take it easy.

Police.

Let's see your ID.

Come on.

You look like cops.

- Come on.
- All right, calm down.

Let's see that, too.

Give it here.

OK, I see...

- Look at that.
- Just out of jail.

- Yeah, got a problem with that?
- Scram, or I'll arrest you

for insulting a police officer.

An on-duty police officer!

With your references,
you won't get out fast.



- Marseille, Marseille!
- Stop it...

Right. Let's go. Barman!

Barman!

They're all totally deaf here.

What's he doing?

Kissing someone's hand. Obviously.

That's a Dandy d'Or.
It's a work of art.

He looks like he's bringing the bill.

- Let's have one.
- OK. Just a Coke.

With some bourbon.
It's good, like that.

Let's have a Four Roses.
A quick one.

Don't worry.
Your starlet's train isn't due yet.

Two whiskies!

She's big on the TV, you know.

Lamotte bust his knee.
They'll get stuffed, I tell you.

Bunch of jokers. 2-0, I bet you.

- And more, with Aziz.
- Can you turn the sound up?

- Up. Sound?
- Stop it! Aziz!

On a lighter note,

Jacques Belin,

the TV presenter, has won
the "Dandy d'Or" for courtesy.

The prize is awarded for courtesy

and elegance.

Jacques Belin is part of a line
of worthy antecedents.

Now, we'll get straight back

to the eagerly-awaited
football match.

They could at least
have shown the report.

All for a crappy football match!

Hey, you! I'm watching
that crappy football match.

I can't see through you.

Well, excuse me, sir.

I could strip paint with my breath.

Have a pastis.

Neat.
- Good idea.

Freshen up.

Barman!

- Two pastis! No water!
- OK. I'm not deaf.

Have a look at how she's done up.

She looks like a crested parrot.

Isn't that
the name of an old cocktail?

Pastis with mint?

You know,

Marléne hates mint.

- You like those tight-ass women.
- Why do you say that?

It's hardly news.

That's what she is -
a beautiful tight-ass.

That's my fiancée
you're talking about.

I can call her a tight-ass, can't I?

No.

Listen...

She takes a while to start.

About time!
The service here is so slow!

- Where's the phone?
- That way.

It's coin operated.

You need to pay
for the whiskies now.

- 30 francs.
- There.

Have I seen you before?
Are you local?

Not at all, I've never...

been here before,
to tell the truth.

It's funny...
I'm sure I've seen you before.

Yes!

What about you?

Have you seen me before?

- Should I have?
- No, no.

No, no.

Were you at
last year's Farming Fair?

That's right. I stopped by.

You were serving drinks
at the Auvergne stand.

- No.
- You were! I did 2 days with you.

No, really, we've never met.

OK, it'll come back to me.

Barman at the Foire de Paris! Idiot.

- Do you remember Sandrine?
- Who's Sandrine?

- The press agent?
- I'm meeting her. Bye.

You can't go off
with a pig like that!

She's like a frog in glasses.

I love frogs!

Forget it. Come to Ragain's.

There are always
loads of women there.

I prefer frogs.
They've got nice legs.

- Come on. She's so ugly!
- Ugly, but good.

Come on! Come to Ragain's.

I'll call you tomorrow.
Say hi to the star.

She's so ugly.

He's got a taste for the gutter...

Or he's just dirtier than I thought.

She's a real pig.
Christ, she's ugly!

She is!

She's ugly-

She's ugly!

Even uglier than you are.
That'll give you an idea.

I'll borrow your lighter,
if that's OK.

And a cigarette,
to spark it up with.

Are these all you've got?

You're not too chatty.
Or you're just

looking nice and keeping quiet.

You're certainly keeping quiet.

You freak. You look like a penguin.

Right!

This is known as a dinner jacket.

I thought they were for gentlemen.

If I was rude, please forgive me.

But I'm a little bit tipsy.

I'd hate to be impolite.

I'm always courteous with women.

All women, mind you.
Not just the beautiful women.

Especially for you,

this evening.

The Dandy d'Or

offers you his humblest apologies.

- Well done!
- Sorry.

Lucky he didn't fall on the table.

Idiot!

You're right.
Lucky it wasn't on the table.

I'm so sorry.

- Do you know how much this cost?
- It's OK.

I absolutely insist
on compensating you fully.

You better had!

You have to break what you pay for.

No, really. It's only fair.

- There.
- ls that a joke?

- It's worth 5,000.
- What?

Plus the sentimental value.

- You are joking?
- Never, with mementos.

I'll give you 500,
but don't take me for a fool.

I've got a precision Swiss watch
that isn't worth that.

Oh no! Marléne!

- Shit!
- Hey!

"Hey presto, there you go!"
I've remembered!

I said it'd come back to me.

It's Jacques Belin!

The 291 express to Basel,
Switzerland and Italy

is at platform 8.

Has that train been here long?

- I know you.
- It's me.

- How long?
- Jacques Belin!

- It's me.
- How long?

It's been there 5 minutes.

"Hey presto, there you go!"

Thanks, thanks!

Shit!

Yes!

The guy with a bag on his back.
"Hey presto!"

Ah, there he is!

Have you got change for the phone?

Yes, sure.

Your show isn't as daft as it looks.

- It's informative.
- Thanks.

It is.

"Hey Presto!"

- My 800 francs?
- Shut it!

Hey!

You owe me!

Hi, Marléne, er...

I missed you at the station.

I'm on my way.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.

I'll be right there.

No way!

Where did the woman at the back go?

She just left.

She took my coat and wallet.

Bitch! You should report her.

I don't have time. I have to go.

What a night!

There she is!

I'll get her. I'll get you!
I'll get you!

- Are you crazy?
- My wallet!

- What wallet?
- Shall I call the police?

Let's go.

- There's your wallet.
- Thanks.

And my coat? Where is it?

It's over there?

Get it yourself!

Pick it up, you bitch.

- Get off me, you fucker!
- Bitch!

Are you going
to pick up my coat, bitch?

Have you got a problem?

Ah! Our old friend.
ls she causing trouble?

No, it's sorted.

It's Jacques Belin!

We're the police.
We'll take her in.

She's missing it.

No. We're together.

We were just squabbling.

Ah you sure?
We can take her in.

It's OK. Really, it's OK.

You know...

"Hey Presto!"

Get in.

Mr Belin,
could you sign something for me?

- Do you have...
- Yes.

- "Best wishes", Ok?
- Yes, for Berthier.

It's funny.
You're not like I thought.

Don't get offended, but I was sure
you were one of those.

Just because he wears make-up
doesn't mean he's queer.

Right, Mr Belin?

I didn't think you were into whores.

Neither did I!

Each to his own.

If he likes whores,
he likes whores.

"Hey Presto!"

- You could thank me.
- What for?

I could have let them arrest you.

I didn't steal your money!

- What would you call it?
- Are you a cop?

- Sorry?
. Are you a cop?

- What makes you think that?
- The cops know you.

Everyone does, except you.

I'm Jacques Belin.
Have you heard of me?

Belin, like the biscuits?

It doesn't matter.

Belin... No.

I just wanted the money for my watch.

I've had it with your watch!
What about my coat?

It's always the same.
The rich guys are the tightest.

Go on. Help yourself!

- That's it.
- My pleasure.

You've got plenty.

Well now!

That'll do.
I don't want you to have

a heart attack.

Get out.

You can't just leave me here.

- You won't get out?
- No.

- My fiancée's waiting.
- So?

There's someone waiting.
She's dying to see me!

She's easily pleased.

- Get out!
- Get off!

Have you got a thing
about hitting women?

Shut it!

- We're here.
- What do you mean?

What?
This is the middle of nowhere.

There's a hotel there.

That's luxury.

I can't afford that.

Here's 500 francs.

And don't think of saying thanks.

Thanks. How's that, fool?

- Yes?
- It's me.

- Who?
- Jacques.

Jacques who?

- Belin.
- Ah!

I missed you at the station.

I came by car, not by train.

You could have told me!

- I'll come up.
- No.

- What do you mean?
- Don't come up.

I'll wait in the car.

I'm tired. I'll stay here.

Minou,
this is an important evening for me.

I'll be talking with Mr Bulot.

Do it for me.
Everyone's expecting you.

Stuff your TV show. Goodnight.

Let me come up.

- Is someone there?
- No.

I heard, there's someone up there.

It's Norbert Terreaux, OK?

I should have known he'd be back.

He's up there on the podium all year.

How dare you treat me like this?

You're pissing me off.

Just calm down.
Or I'll come down and deal with you!

Bring your coat, it's cold.

Do you know how much a room is?
500 francs just buys breakfast.

You're pissing me off, too.
Get it?

- I'll drop you off.
- I piss you off.

Sorry about that. Get in.

If you insist...

What's your name?

- Fred.
- Fred, as in Fred?

Fred. Frédérique's too long.

Do you fancy a drink?

I've got an hour.
It might be nice.

- Sure, why not?
- We'll find a hotel and...

we'll have a drink in your bedroom.

You're pretty sure of yourself!

I didn't mean that.
I just meant...

To have a quick one,
to calm yourself down.

Don't be vulgar!

Now he's criticizing my manners.

I gave you 900 francs.
The price of a good whore!

- I'm not a whore.
- I know.

- Just stop.
- Why? Don't you like me?

Do you prefer those big
USSR shot-putter types?

You're handsome,
but I'm getting out, so stop.

OK?

Wait. What don't you like about me?

Let's have it, straight.

- It's your manners.
- What do you mean?

OK. I was rude and disrespectful.

I've been out with ruder guys
than you.

Sorry... There's a minimum!

You get into it.

I'm sorry too.

Do you want some champagne?

Somewhere you've never been?

- Eh?
- Yes.

Let's go!

- You'll like it.
- You're a funny guy.

Fred?

- Fred?
- Here I am!

- Am I overdressed?
- Not at all.

- It fits like a glove?
- More like a mitten.

Leave it out.

- I haven't worn this for 3 years.
- If fits perfectly.

- Where are we going?
- Isn't this all right?

- Here?
- Why not?

- It's nice here.
- It's not up to much!

Don't you want to be seen with me?

Am I not classy enough?

Oh, come on.
You're so cynical.

We'll have a drink here
and then go on.

Look what I found.

Magic.

A little party treasure-chest.

Champagne?

There we go!

Pure joy.

That's plenty!

What is it? Piper.

This is the good stuff.

Cheers!

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

You knocked that one back.

Nice and easy.

Careful now.

What do you do?

I was in care, till now.

I'm going to my sister's.

I made a wish.

- What was it?
- If I say, it won't come true.

Will it if you don't? Olive?

It was for work.

My sister's going
to find me something.

In a shoe factory.

The money's not so good,
but the shoes are 20% off.

- That's good!
- Yes.

That's really good.

Look at me.

Would you like to work in TV?

I'd never thought of it.

I could help you with that,
if you like.

- Yeah, right!
- I'm not kidding!

I'm not.

I present a TV show every day.

I present It's In The Bag.
Don't you know it?

I've never had it.

Don't you know It's In The Bag?

- Come and see.
- What a joke!

You'll see if I'm joking.

- I'll see?
- So what about that then?

Is that you?

- You work on TV?
- You see? I'm not kidding.

It's not my fault.
I don't watch TV.

- I feel so silly.
- It doesn't matter.

When you're a public figure, like me,

people's attitude changes.

You're spontaneous. I like that.

- I'm drinking with a star!
- Sort of.

So...

if I'm offering you a job,
it's not just hot air.

Doing what?

Got your BEPS?

- My what?
- B.E.P.S?

- ls that a vaccination?
- It's OK.

You won't need to have done
too much time.

- What?
- What?

Did you say I'd been in prison?

- No one said that!
- Listen, I'm honest.

- I've not been to prison.
- I meant time in school.

- Don't you know the Central School?
- Where the guards go?

No.

I just meant that to dance
with a number on your butt

you don't need to be too bright!

- Dancing?
- Yes.

I thought it was something else!

There are 3 girls
that dance with the scores.

145, 146!

And sometimes they do 12!
You'd fit right in.

- Nice.
- Yes, it's very nice.

You have to be gorgeous to do that.

Why?
Are you hung up about something?

- No?
- No.

- My ass is all right.
- Let's have a look.

That's nice!
I've got your heart on my sleeve!

Silly!

Anyway, it's all framed.
You don't see the bottom.

Sometimes they only wear
the costume on top.

- I never knew.
- The audience doesn't.

That's TV.

You know,
I was a majorette for 2 years.

- No!
- I was.

Then you can do anything.

- That's the best school.
- Really?

Most girls on TV
started as majorettes.

I didn't know.
I was really good, too.

I threw my stick 3 or 4m up.

- Always...
- Or 6m.

You may well be right.

Why don't you do
a little demonstration, here?

- Here?
- Why not?

- You'd be fine.
- Yes, but...

Then I could get an idea.

It's been ages.

It's like riding a bike.

We're all alone.
Don't be shy.

I'm so rusty.

This'll grease the wheels.

Cold, like that?

You won't be cold, I promise.

- I promise.
- I'll do it for you.

Don't be too hard...

I know how to judge.
Your very good health.

- Cheers.
- In one?

Cheers.

- That's good?
- Over to you.

OK, let me get ready.

Let's go!

I'll warm up.

The wrists are important.

Go for it!

Stop, stop, stop.

- No good?
- You were really good.

Really good!

But what about the drum?

We have to have the drum noise.

It'll be clearer with the rhythm.

- I've never done it.
- You have to.

- Will it count?
- Everything counts, on TV.

Even the presentation.

I'll have a go,
but I've never done it before.

Stop.

Slop!

That's ridiculous. Stop.

I'm out of practice.
You'll see in 2 or 3 months...

I won't.

I was just
making you look ridiculous.

We don't need anyone on TV.
Especially not you.

Why did you do that?

Because I'm drunk.

Go ahead,
if you want to say I'm sick.

I'm sick.

I've known some jerks in my life,

but I put you
in the number one spot.

King of the Jerks.

I'll have that as a souvenir, OK?

You don't meet stars every day.

I haven't missed much, without a TV.

Fred, Fred, wait.

- I'm really sorry.
- Get lost!

I don't know what I'm saying
when I'm drunk.

Slap me, but stop crying.

It's my fault.
I shouldn't have believed you.

I acted like a fool.

I'm sorry, I spoiled your evening.

Will you forgive me?

- Go away.
- I'm begging you on my knees.

Please.

You can't stay like that.

Get up.

You're a funny guy.

Let's go for a coffee.

This'll straighten us out.

- Me, especially.
- You're funny.

There's a bistro.

- Shall I carry that?
- No, it's not heavy.

It's nice to get a bit of fresh air.

I'm filthy. It must be nice inside.

You're drunk and I'm paying for it.
What an evening!

I understand.

If I'd met a guy like me,
I'd have slapped him.

- Why the dark glasses?
- What?

Are you scared
of being seen with me?

No. I swear it's not that.

I just don't want to be
Jacques Belin, in this state.

Let's have a drink.

2 coffees, please.

- We're shut!
- We'll be quick.

- The machine's off.
- 2 Vichy waters.

- With 2 straws?
- Can I make a call?

- It's out of order.
- Please.

- For Paris?
- Yes.

- It's back there.
- Thanks.

Jean-Frangois?

It's Jacques.

Belin.

I've had a bit of a problem.

Is President Bulot there?

I need to speak to him.
I'm coming.

See you. Bye.

A Vichy water will help.

I'm so horrible.
I was really dreadful to you.

- It's OK.
- I was an idiot.

These things happen...

To idiots.

- You know what I'd like?
- Tell me.

I'd like you to kiss me.

Well now...

So you're not cross?

I'd like that.

I'd like that.

There.

Do you do four times?

What's up?

Nothing. I'm fine.

- I wasn't expecting that.
- What were you expecting?

- Not on the cheek.
- Well now...

It's refined.

I'm not your type.
That much is clear.

Fred... You're a great girl.

But I can't afford to. I can't.

Was the girl you were shouting at
pretty?

Yes. Really pretty.

She's pretty.

A beautiful bitch, as they say.

A beautiful bitch.

Is she a film star?

She'd like to be.

She works mostly on TV.

She's in the big soap opera
at the moment.

The Brossard Saga.

Is it to do with the biscuits?

- You're obsessed!
- What? Isn't it?

You're not far off.
It's bread and butter.

- Are you upset about her?
- So-so.

So-so.

It's empty

We'd meet up at weekends.

We'd be worn out from work.

We'd watch TV.

So at the weekends...

I don't have a TV.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

Do you want a hand? Out!

- Sorry?
- I saw that!

Are you in business now?

It's just a misunderstanding.

- Did the Chinese send you?
- Steady on.

- Shut your face.
- What did you say?

Hold that.

I'll tell you!

- I'll pay!
- Get out.

Get those off.

Who's that?

It's Jacques Belin.

Yes. Jacques Belin!

I've been telling you.

It's In The Bag! Here!

Jacques Belin, off the TV.

- I'll get my mum.
- We don't have time.

She loves you.
Are you kidding?

Let's go.

- He's getting him mum.
- I'm already late.

Wait. He'll be disappointed.
These people are nice.

Stop acting the star.

How come you speak Arabic?
ls that your background?

No, I learned
from my Algerian cellmate.

I've just got out of prison.

I'd never have thought it.

You look so honest.

I speak a bit of Portuguese too.

Mr Bilin. It's In The Bag.

Thanks so much for coming.

- Mr Bilin!
- It's Belin.

- I like your bag.
- It's not mine.

Mrs Bilin!

- Thanks. We have to go.
- No! Have a boukha.

- On the house!
- No, really, we can't!

Boukha's deadly stuff.
I have to go.

- Belin, Belin.
- Come on, it's not strong.

I know it's not.

- I'm tired. I have to go.
- Just a taste. Go on!

I know what it tastes like.

- A bit more.
- It's not at all strong.

- It just slips down.
- I know.

Slop!

It's really not strong.
But I have to go.

- One more.
- Come on, Mr Belin.

Ask your mother to let go of me.

- She's very nice.
- I see! Let's go.

Remind me, what's this...

made with?
- Figs.

- It's made from figs.
- It's very good for you.

I'm itching!

In my stomach!
It's like fire.

- That's the figs.
- I can't scratch it.

Give me your hand!

You're getting on my nerves!

- Leave it, Jugnot.
- Hi, Belin!

- Good luck.
- And he touched my ass!

- What an idiot!
- He's an artist.

- Who's the big angry one?
- President Bulot.

He runs the channel.

We were just arguing.
Where's Marléne?

Something came up for Marléne...

She's got boils inside her nose,
but...

- It's not serious.
- Well done, for the Dandy.

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

- Thanks.
- She doesn't drink.

She's having them out tomorrow.
It's totally benign.

This is Fred.
Fred, Jean-Frangois Ragain.

Fred is a bear tamer.
Fred, Jean-Frangois Ragain.

- A table-footballer's handshake.
- Great!

- What circus are you with?
- Err...

Pinder!

I'll go and see Bulot.
I need to speak to him.

No wait till he's finished playing.

He almost lost it
with Jugnot and Auguste.

Help yourself. That's Caribbean...
No that's Asian, that's Caribbean.

Hi, Dorothy!

- Thanks.
- Congratulations.

- Thanks.
- Thanks. Caribbean.

Thanks for the Dandy.

- Come this way. Hi.
- Jacques Belin.

Well done for the Dandy.

I'm happy about that.
Let's go. Caribbean.

No thanks.

Why did you say I was a bear tamer?

It's not true.
Stop it!

Wouldn't you like to have been?

- Maybe, but not with bears.
- Why not with bears?

I have a friend in jail
who managed

to tame...

a flea.
- That makes it itch.

- Oh no!
- That itches.

- What was the flea doing?
- Not biting her.

It was a nice flea.

She knew it well!

When she whistled...

it'd come back.

Or elephants.

Elephants are good.

Taming elephants
would be nicer than bears.

Maybe. You know I did something
with elephants

at the Gala de I'Union des Artistes.

African elephants, with big ears,

and Asian elephants,

with small ears.

So the biggest ones didn't have...

The small ones had massive balls.

The big ones often had small dicks.

Something annoyed the elephant.

The trainer said the African one

didn't like my cologne.

He kept getting me on the neck.

Whacking the back of my neck.

Damn. It just jumped into the piano.

Hi, Jacques.

- Bravo.
- Sorry?

- The Dandy d'Or.
- Ah, yes!

That sounds funny.

Yes, it does.

That's Caribbean black pudding.

Careful. It's very spicy.

Shit.

Could you help me life this up?

It's got everywhere!

Look at that!

The guy that's just arrived
is Marc-André Ammou.

You wouldn't believe
what he writes about me.

- It's real poison.
- Smash his face in!

Have a seat, this could get rough.

So, Marc-André Ammou-mou.

I didn't think they were letting
urbane fuckers like you in.

I see the Dandy's true to form.

Is it still "in the bag"?

It's not getting too heavy,
stuffed with

all that nonsense?

I'll get you, one of these days.

Very funny!

Elegance and humor combined,
how overwhelming.

- Have you got any scissors?
- Why?

No reason.

I was brought up with bears.
And bears aren't so nice.

You just have to be gentle with them.

You have to discipline them
with a stick!

- Did you have any accidents?
- You might not believe me,

but one bit me in the stomach.

- What's happened?
- How's the piano?

Got any scissors?

- Scissors?
- Why?

- Sharp ones.
- Your nails?

- I'll check in the kitchen.
- Bravo. Go on.

I'm a bear, too.
Maybe you could tame me?

I prefer bears.
At least they hibernate.

3 months of peace!

They hibernate in winter.

And do they spring in spring?

He's crazy! He cut my ears.

- What?
- He cut my lobe.

- Who?
- Belin, Belin!

- Come in the bathroom.
- Get off, Ragain!

This is shocking.

Shall we?

- I'll call my lawyer.
- Shall I even you up?

Wait till your next review!

You've had it, Belin!

Not quite yet!

No! We were just getting going!

What a loser.

President, I'm glad to see you.

I've got an idea for a show

at 8:30pm.

It's simple. Are you shaking?
It's simple: a couple,

a journey, and then a bit of sex.

- Do you like sex?
- This is a tricky shot.

- Talk to him later.
- We'll speak later.

What happened with Ammou?

- He attacked me.
- What happened?

- Do you have any disinfectant?
- In the bathroom.

Stop, stop. I need a drink.

President, you should think
about this. It's a good idea.

- Simple, pertinent questions.
- You're putting me off.

- Let's go.
- Let him play his shot.

If I may,

spread your fingers wide.

You've got a great elbow!

Can I play?

- That's not a good idea.
- I know how.

This is a serious game.
She's not in a fit state.

Just a shot. Don't be hard.
Just one. I know how.

Wait till we've finished,
if you want to tear the cloth!

I said I know how to play!

- She said she knows how!
- Shove over.

OK, you've proved yourself,

now get lost!

- What did he say?
- "Get lost"!

That's nasty.

You can hardly stand.
You stink of booze.

- I've just had water!
- Who do you think you are?

Did you pay for all this?

Who is she?

I'm not saying anything,
but she looks like a hooker.

How's it going?

Kick her out on her ass!

What's the problem here, President?

He got a slap,
because he said "get lost".

You're drunk!

I won't even take the trouble
to slap you, shit-wit!

She's a whore, or I'm a monk!

I've got scissors here!

What did you say?

- He said "get lost".
- Nasty!

You're not very nice.

- Let's go, Belin!
- You're not going to fight!

- Sorry.
- Not at all, President.

"B" for "Belin"!

- "Get lost"!
- Up you get.

I'll get you this time.

Bash his nose.

Goon

Jacques, what's happening?

Not the President's hair!

President, President. Stop!

We're OK!

- We're OK.
- Better than OK.

- This is nice.
- Taking it easy.

Nice and easy. No one bothering us.

No one to say It's In The Bag!

I can't stand that.

I can't stand it.

- It's nice, isn't it?
- Nice watch.

Ragain brought that back from Japan.

- Nice.
- Like it?

Would you like that?

It was a present. It's yours.

I'd like you to have it.

It suits you.

How did you end up in jail?

- What did you do?
- Nothing.

Nothing? What did you do?

- Nothing, I'm telling you.
- That's what everyone says.

You were just walking past,
saw the light,

and went in!

Leave it out.

You can tell me.
Go on, tell me.

Whisper it.

Whisper it.

I...

I killed my man.

It was so stupid.

I was washing my feet.

We started arguing about

how he preferred lavender soap
to cologne.

So you see...

serious stuff!

Then...

We started slapping each other.

It's a boring story.

And then, in the fight, he took...

a powder compact.

And he threw it against the wall.

But in a really nasty way!

That really wound me up.
I wanted to retaliate.

So I took something of his.
I wanted to get him back.

I took a ceramic gondola...

With the little boatman in it

and I threw it against the wall.

I got three years. Three years.

Three years for throwing a gondola,
that's heavy.

I swear, I just threw that gondola.

I just threw it.

The stupid idiot

got himself right between

the wall and the gondola.

And he got the gondola right in...

Don't cry. Don't cry. Come on now.

Killing someone
could happen to anyone.

- No. Just to me.
- It could happen to me.

I could have killed that big guy
with my billiard cue.

I could have killed him,
without meaning to.

You're a great girl. Don't cry.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Steve. Hi.

Yes, you woke me up.

What time is it? One?

Oh, shit! I've lost my watch.

No, I never take it off.
It was a present.

I've got a steam-drill
going in my head.

Shit. Wait.

Let me get coffee and Alka-Seltzer.

Oh my God.

What?

What a dreadful evening.

I split up with Marléne.

Is that funny?

I got drunk in an Arab bistro.

On boukha.

It's strong stuff.

Then...

I don't know how I got home.
I lost my watch.

I had a blackout.
What a disaster!

Doesn't hurt,

once in a while.

You? Hang on...

Did you hop on your frog?

Dirty dog!

What did she say when you went?

You dirty dog!

I need some coffee.

Shit!

Hello?
No, the phone fell in the coffee.

The cleaning woman puts it
under the sink.

When are you going?

Today? What day is it?

Shit! I've got an interview.
In half an hour.

Listen, Steve, I've got to run.

OK, see you.

OK, Steve. Say hi to the frog.

I don't have time.

Jacques, are you awake?

To Jacques Belin
His weight in pure Arabica

What can I tell you?
We'll see about that.

Hello?

Hi, Yves.

Hold on. There's something
wrong with the tap.

What a face!

I'm not surprised, after yesterday.

I'll call back, something's come up.

What's come up?

Eh?

That isn't my watch, is it?

I wouldn't lose that!

I don't get
presents like that every day.

Am I going crazy? Who am I?

Jacques, you've got a hangover.

Who are you?

I didn't want to wake you up.

Hang on.
I need to get this straight.

No! Not while I'm having my coffee!

Not there, either!
It puts me off.

What is this coffee? My God.

I'm glad to have met you.

Some guys are so lucky.

- I could stay here for hours.
- My arms get tired.

That's it!

- You were waiting for a train!
- Easy. It's OK.

- How come?
- I called my sister.

So it's OK.

No! Let me finish my coffee.

Jocelyne was amazed.

- Who?
- Jocelyne, my big sister.

She couldn't believe
we're getting married.

- Did you burn yourself?
- It's strong.

- Wait, Nicole!
- I'm not Nicole!

- Why not?
- I'm Fred. Don't say you forgot!

No, I didn't forget.
Sit down, we need to talk.

And you're not going to like it.

- Now...
- You look like Ben Hur.

We'll deal with him later.
I've got something to say.

- Now.
- It's too big.

- What?
- I got it too big.

- What is this?
- It's from the market.

I bought it from Maurice.

They gave me 10% off ? for you.

I'll take it up.

- How much was it?
- Don't ask!

But I've got my own! Where is it?

- Drying.
- What?

I put it in the washing machine.

- My cashmere? In the machine?
- I set it to "wool".

I can't believe it!

I got the wrong setting.

This is cashmere.
Are you completely crazy?

- I'll buy another one.
- What?

Like this?
- Don't you like it?

Calm down. It's no big deal.

This isn't like you.

I don't even know you.

- We need to talk.
- What is it?

- Do you want a coffee?
- Yes.

- What have I brought home?
- What's this on the wall?

A collection of junk?

It's all the stuff from my program.

- Souvenirs.
- I'll hang it back up.

- There.
- Sit down.

Here's a coffee.

Now...

I was out of it yesterday.

As you well know.

You were so funny.

I'm much less funny
when I'm sober.

You see,
I'm worried that there's been

a sort of...

big misunderstanding.

- Shit, the TV!
- Fantastic!

Why don't you go
and wait in the bedroom?

I won't be long.

I've waited 3 years,
another hour won't hurt.

- Hi, Jacques.
- Hi.

The team's on its way.

Come in. No problem.

- Did I wake you up?
- No, I'm all yours.

Sit down. I'll get changed.

Sit down.

- What's this?
- I'm waiting.

Don't wait in bed!
Wait getting dressed.

That's what I'm doing.

Wow! That's quite a show!

All those clothes!

Do you wear all that?

Jacques...

What?

I love you.

Listen, Fred, I have to...

ask you something,
but it's a bit delicate.

Hang on.

When we came back yesterday,
did we...

- You know...
- Sleep together?

No, you were so drunk,
you were out like a light.

- Were you worried?
- A bit.

Don't worry.
It could happen to anyone.

- No, no, no!
- Jacques...

- Excuse me.
- Wait, France.

I'm sorry to barge in.

My cleaner was feeling faint.

- Your cleaner?
- Yes.

- Is she all right?
- Yes, she's better now.

- Can we hurry along?
- We're coming, we're coming.

France, we'll sit on the sofa.

Come on.

Jacques, you can't film like that.

Oh, sorry, I'll get changed.

I'll serve some coffee.

No, no.

No, no, Fred.

You have to know something.

- I'm a nice guy.
- That's obvious.

No, it's not.

Fred...

- My memory's a blank.
- That's OK.

No, I mean really nothing.

I had a total blackout.
My mind's a blank.

I've put myself in a real fix.

What do you mean?

I remember having a drink,
but not bringing you home.

- What do you mean?
- I've completely forgotten.

- Are you kidding?
- I wish,

but it's true.

This has never happened before.

It's never happened to me, either.

I didn't know you could
forget people like that.

It's a bit of a shock.

It was a shock for me too,
when I saw you.

I know, it's bad.

- I'm really sorry.
- Being sorry is easy.

You have to understand.

I was so drunk.

Everything I said
was just the drink.

If I asked you to marry me,
that's why.

How was I supposed to know?
I've never seen you sober.

- I've only known you drunk.
- Don't take it like that.

We had a good night together.

- I imagine.
- It's OK. I get it.

I always get
the shitty end of the deal.

I feel as bad as you do, I promise.

- I'm coming.
- Can you ask the cleaner

to give the table a wipe?

You told her I'm your cleaner?

Yes.
What have you got against cleaners?

Where are the damn sockets?

There are sockets everywhere.
Just look!

Just follow the cables.

Jacques, aren't you changing?

I thought it'd be nice
to be a bit more relaxed.

This is going out at 8 pm, you know.

Maybe some underwear, at least.

It's a family show.

Let's go.

Can someone get my bag

from the car?

I'll go.

Thanks.

I'm coming to Metz.
Will you meet me off the train?

No, it'll just be me.

An idiot. A total idiot!
And a liar, too.

If he's on TV,
I'm a Nobel Prize winner!

I'll tell you all about it.
You'll laugh.

See you, Jocelyne.

Can I come in?
Have you calmed down?

- Are you scared of your cleaner?
- That's enough!

- You're not at home.
- Bum-boy!

We've got company!

What do I care about your TV show?

Are you crazy?

You're pissing me off!

And I gave you a nice watch, too!

- That flash piece of junk?
- Yes.

- Want it back?
- Yes.

- My pleasure.
- Thanks.

You bitch!

You're pissing me off!

You're pissing me off!

Nothing happened!
I didn't touch you!

We got drunk and talked shit!

And now it's all this!

I'm not just going to marry you!

I don't want you!
How could I love you?

Eh!

- I could get any guy I want.
- Good for you!

I just picked up the first one I saw

when I got out of jail!

Remember?
I've just done 3 years inside!

You could have fucked a jailbird.
Bad luck!

Please! My heart's bleeding!

And don't worry about the watch!
I've got loads more.

- Fuck you!
- We're almost ready.

Oh, and congratulations
on your Dandy d'Or.

Thanks, France.

Can we move that piss bottle?

- I can move.
- The polite name

is a "bed bottle".

- Are you feeling better?
- What it's to you?

Would you mind
just wiping the table down please?

- It's OK. I'll do it.
- I'll do it. It'd be a pleasure.

I'll ask if courtesy
is really a way of life.

Great.

Get back.

There...

She's nice. But clumsy.

- She's nice.
- Let's interview her.

It could be a funny angle on things.

- Absolutely no way.
- Why not?

- She's too shy.
- No, I'd like to.

I've got lots to say.

- She's not shy!
- I said no.

- It'd be lively.
- Very.

The interview's over! You win.

What a dolt. Just look
what he's got on his walls.

This is what you get by improvising.

I won't be improvising!

Let's get this straight.

- How much do you want to shut up?
- I'm off.

- What?
- Your cleaner's out of here...

There's the Dandy d'Or!

- Is everything OK, Jacques?
- Give that back!

Fred, stop it, now.
Give me that!

What have I done to deserve this?

I need it.
You can have it after the show.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

Ah, Mr Belin. What's going on?

It's for TV!

- Give me that!
- Let me go.

- Are you hurt?
- No, just having fun!

- Let me see.
- Get off.

- It was an accident.
- Give me that.

- I've gone as low as I can go!
- Can you walk?

Let me help you back up.

Tell me when you're done.

Don't move. I'll take you up.
Let's go.

- My bag.
- There.

You got me involved in all this!

- I'm sorry.
- It's not your fault.

Do you remember
going to your friend's?

That fat guy, who whacked you
with a billiard cue?

Bulot!

- Sorry.
- What?

Thanks.

- More problems?
- No, why?

Careful.

Don't move. I'll get some ice.

We're not staying the night,
you know!

- Fuck off!
- What? Did you hear that?

- I'm not working!
- Let's stay calm.

Stop.

Take a 15-minute break.

- Yes!
- Come here.

- We're getting back to work.
- I'll be right there.

- Is he doing this on purpose?
- Yes!

Here we go.

- Let's get this done, fast.
- You said it.

What's that?
Less of your lip!

- You may be Beulin...
- Belin. Jacques Belin!

And Jacques Belin says:
"Fuck you!"

- OK!
- Let's do the interview!

- What a joke!
- What?

Let's do it.

5, 4...

Jacques Belin, for you,
is courtesy...

What's happening here?
Unbelievable.

- What now?
- It won't turn on.

You can't just whack it.
You've broken my Dandy!

You bust my foot.
We're evens.

- This is too much!
- I hardly touched it.

You had it way too tight.

It wasn't fixed right.

My foot's so swollen.

See?

You didn't even look.

You couldn't care less.

What a joke!

- Answer, dammit!
- Answer, Maurice!

What am I, a receptionist?

And let's not even mention my boots.

Look at them!

I had to cut those off.

- Damn tap.
- Can't you manage?

Is it off?

And they were my favorites,
a friend gave me them.

- Is it running?
- It's off.

- Then say.
- Don't shout.

They called to tell us
to stop filming.

That's from Mr Bulot.
I asked him why.

- Mr Ragain's on the phone.
- Thanks.

I've never seen anything like this.

Here we go.

This is it.

It's payback time.

It'll be fine.
I've seen loads of fights.

People forget everything
by the next day.

They won't forget this.

Let's have it.

Hello?

Yes.

OK.

Would an apology help?

No, of course, I understand.

Next week is fine.

Who are they using instead?

Ah, Mercier. Good idea.

He's a nice guy.

Unless I'm fired,
I don't think I'll finish the week.

I know it's breach of contract.

I know what that means. Yes.

Bye.

I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened.

It's OK.

It's OK. Shall I show you out?

Is the cleaner OK?

She's fine.

There was some misunderstanding.
I don't know what.

That way.

Can I give you a kiss?

There he goes!

What are you so mad about?

What do you know?

- Well!
- Watch the splinters.

If I acted like that
every time I got fired...

You're going to run out.

What are you doing?

Changing shoes.

I can't wear my boots,
in case you didn't know.

Are you going?

What do you think?

Are you going to leave me on my own?

You must be used to it.

Fred.

Will you stay?

You've got a nerve.

The star doesn't want to be alone.

There's no star here.

A minor star.

Really minor.

I'd like you to stay because...

- I like you.
- I don't feel it.

Not for long...

5 minutes.

Men. Unbelievable!

I forgot how fragile they are.

You're nice.

I'm a pushover.

It's not that bad.

Don't let it get you down.

You're right.

Let's have a drink.

You really smashed the place up.

Jacques! What are you doing there?

You'll cut yourself.
There's glass everywhere.

Come on!

You really are Mr Fuck-Up.

- I wanted...
- You're heavy!

It fell.

- I'm such a loser. I can't even...
- You'll be just fine.

With all your contacts,
you'll get another job.

There'll be something.

I turned down a supermarket opening
yesterday.

Hold me, Fred.

How much does a supermarket
make you?

- 20,000 francs.
- 20000!

I'd keep 15,000.

And the perks.

I'd get courtesy products for a year.

Why did you say no?

I'd have had to dress
as a tin of sausages.

I have my limits.

You're great, Fred.

- Stop looking at me like that.
- How?

With your eyes.
Don't look at me.

Just stop staring at me.

You know...

last night was great.

Leave it out.

- Why?
- I'm not a Kleenex.

How was it for you?

I'm here, aren't I?

- What are you doing?
- Just brushing you down.

- You sat in the coffee...
- Oh! So I did.

- Do you want a brush?
- It's OK.

It's an old coat.

I've got a train to catch. Bye.

You've got a bit of time.

I'd like to get there early,
to be sure.

You know how trains are.

Yes. You can miss them so easily.

- So you're going to Metz?
- That's right.

- Metz.
- Metz.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Are you still angry with me?
- Why?

About last night. And today...

- All of that.
- Why would I be?

You're the nicest guy I've ever met.

- Why didn't you say?
- I just did.

You're nice.

I've met nasty guys
and you're not one.

- We went on a journey.
- We didn't go far.

It's not about distance.

I hadn't seen a man in 3 years...

You kiss well.

- It wasn't much.
- It was.

When you're starving,

you don't need a feast.

You ease yourself back in.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Can I have another hors-d'oeuvre?

- Sorry?
- To ease myself back in.

It's more like time for dessert.

I'd better get going now.

You know,
once I get started on desserts...

I can't stop.

I need to be reasonable.

Hello?

Listen, Marléne, I haven't got time.

What? No, you don't know her.
She's a friend.

I don't care what Ragain said.

OK, so I'm an idiot.
ls that what you called for?

A whore?

So what?
I spent 2 years with a bitch.

And you should
use the word "whore" carefully.

Marléne, you're not worth
the dirt on her shoes.

Not even close.

Dammit!

To the station, please.

Stop, stop!

They're...

a perfect match

They're perfect

They're perfect

All night long

They got down and dirty

They're perfect

Port flip and tequila

Smooth plum liqueurs
and Calvados

Rum, vodka

Sake and champagne

A glug of boukha

A martini, a whiskey,
a bit of Perrier

They're...

a perfect match

It's getting messy

It's getting messy

They're getting right down and dirty