Nowhere (1997) - full transcript

A group of teenagers try to sort out their lives and emotions while bizarre experiences happen to each one, including alien abductions, bad acid trips, bisexual experiences, suicides, bizarre deaths, and a rape by a TV star. All of this happens before "the greatest party of the year".

LA is like nowhere.

Everybody who lives here is lost


Hey, Dark.
- Hey what, Mel?

You want me to?


Beg for it.

Hi. My name's

Hi. - You have got the deepest,
blackest eyes I've ever seen.

It's like I could just tumble
right into 'em, fall forever

I just love the smell of fear and

boy mixed together, don't you, Kriss?

What're you gawking at?

Looks like we've got a deviant
on our hands here, Kozy.

And we just hate, hate, hate any

sort of deviation from the norm.

Deviants are the scourge

contaminating this Great Nation


Are you flogging the puppy again?

Lemme in. I gotta wash
this crap off my face!

Mom, can you wait just a sec, please?

Honey, I have to rot my life
away in a 9-to-5 hellhole

to support your lazy, juvenile
delinquent ass, remember?

Sweetheart, chipmunk,

my little ray of sunshine

open up this motherhumping

door now!

Jesus, can you hold on?

Gripes, it's as soggy
as an armpit in here.

How long've you been in
that shower abusing yourself?

You pump your handle
too much, young man.

It's gonna wither up and fall off!



Mel, I gotta make a
documentary about someone

I care about 'n' it's
due next Wednesday.

And who ever said you
care about me anyways?

Didn't I give you my Cap'n Crunch
Decoder Ring back in the sixth grade?

That was Angelique Tewksbury, dorkball.

Hey, take your shirt off.
Come on.

It'll give Professor Starkweather
a boner 'n' he'll gimme an 'A'.

I'm sure.
Take your Prozac, Dark.

What's the matter?
You scared?

- Think of the scandal.

Everyone in class'll be all outraged.

Is this what you wanna see?

Oh yeah.

City morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.

S'up, bonzo dog breath? Need
a ride to class? - Nah. I'm not goin'.

Dark, you are gonna totally bite the eight
whole credits you're retaking this semester

I gotta do some editing
on my 101 project, then

I'll prob'ly head over
to the Hole for some chow

Maybe I'll go with. I just got my period
so I'm in full-tilt pigout mode.

And make sure you edit my boobs out.

I do not want every wally on
campus oglin' my chimichangas.

Hey, Lucifer's not with you, is she?

I cannot stomach seeing her butt-ugly
likeness this early in the day.

Lick my box, Rover!

Clean the maggots out of it
first, you stinky oyster. - You guys

I mean it, Mel. I do not
want to have to look at that

tarantula woman over my morning espresso

Don't be a seizure queen.
We'll pick you up in fifteen.

Mel, I told you, I'm
editing - Seeya, loverboy.

How you can continue to frog that
annoying buttloaf when you have someone as

sexy 'nd rad as me around.

What would life be
without a little mystery?

- Quoi?

You wenches done in there or what?
I gotta whiz like a busted firehose.

- If it isn't widdle baby Zero.

Cut it out.

Bye, gross, huh?

So you uh, hittin'
Jujyfruit's party tonight?

Puh-leeze, Zero.
How did you hear about it?

You are not invited, shrimpskin.

You're barely old enough to shave.

Felch me.

C'mon, I got a date with Zoe
'n' she totally wants to go.

I already scored the
car from Mom. - Life sucks.

I have got the skeeviest zit sproutin'
right in the middle of my forehead.

It's gonna be a full-on third eye by the
time we get to Jujyfruit's party. Hate that.

What I hate is when you
get a zit way down on your

back in a spot where you
can't even reach to pop it.

If you pop a zit on your forehead, you
can get blood poisoning and die, y'know.

Lucifer, you are so dumb, you should
donate your brain to a monkey science fair.

I read it in Mouth 2
Mouth, scrotal fungus.

Mel, what's this?

Dark being born.


Yuk yuk yuk.

Whoa, Mel, back it up.
- What?

Just back up, alright?

Need a lift?
- Well

You're in my Modern
Society class, aren't you?

Yeah, I think. - Name's
Dark- thats "Dark" like

absence of light Or "Dork"
like we all call him.

Cram it, furburger.

This is Mel, 'n' the
loudmouth hag is Lucifer.


We're on our way to the Hole
for breakfast. Wanna join?

I, kinda have a class.
- We'll eat quick 'n' drop you.


So what's with the camcorder?
You in film class?

Dark thinks he's gonna be
the next Clive Barker- right.

Eat my turbo, willya Lucifer?

Actually, I'm convinced I'm gonna die soon
in like a spectacular plane crash, fire,

chemical explosion
'n' I wanna film it so

there'll be this like cool
record of my own death.

So I take my camera
with me wherever I go

Isn't that just so bitchen

Will you please Shut
- Up?

How do you know?
- Know what?

That you're gonna, y'know die.

I feel it.

Like a prenomination.
- You mean "premonition".

Whatever. - Well, I don't understand,
how can you have one

if you can't even
pronounce the frigging word?

I am about to lose my temper, Lucifer.

And I am going to deck you.
- C'mon.

You guys



Clumsy me.

Hi Montgomery.
What're you doing here?

Aren't you s'posed to be in
Thermonuclear Catastrophes class?

yeah, well, uh Hey.

Do you know what today is?

- No, dodo-bird.

It's Armageddon Day.

The day the world is supposed to end.

Like have you heard of "The Rapture"?

The Siouxsie and the Banshees album?

No. It's like this radical religious
movement in South Cambodia.

And all these thousands
of people are giving up

their worldly possessions
and leaving their families

All in preparation for
'The Rapture", ascending

into Heaven on the day
that Christ returns to earth

and the world is destroyed.

And according to those
scriptures, today is that day.

So, like, what're
we s'posed to do?

I don't know.
- Alyssa.

Are you gonna join us back here on
Planet Earth sometime this decade or what?

Hi Dingbat.

Hey Montgomery.
- Hi

Alyssa, me 'n' Egg been
waitin' for like eons.

Hey, Dingbat. Can you, help me study for
the History of Lethal Epidemics midterm?

Sunday, nine-ish?
- Cool.

Are you goin' to the
Kick The Can game tonight?


C'mon. I am fully
prepared to pork major.

Bye, Montgomery.
- Bye. - Seeya.

I gotta burn these calories
fast before I blow up.

Let's go rollerblading or something?

I'd rather have my ball hairs
burned off with an acetylene torch.

Well, that can be arranged.

I better get back to class.

Are you OK, man?
You look kinda pale.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I gotta go.
- We're on our way out, we'll drive you.

You sure y'don't wanna come with?

I think I'm gonna go to the recordstore.
- How now, brown cow?


So, I'll see you later?
- Yeah.

Hey, you guys playin'
Kick The Can tonight? - Huh?

Kick The Can. At ten o'clock
in the old baseball field.

Before Jujyfruit's party.
- You're gonna be there, right?

- Okay.

Let's evacuate, please.

Hey, don't forget our gig at
the Buttcrack next Wednesday.

Who's opening? - Sandy Duncan's Eye and
Jayne Mansfield's Head.

Boge. I met the drummer for Sandy
Duncan's Eye at a party.

Reeks like a barnyard animal.
- So come late then 'n' just see us.

Hey, have you seen Bart around today?

Y'know, we were s'posed to rehearse this

morning 'n' he like
totally flaked again.

Barty boy. Haven't seen
you in a golden age

Yeah I've been busy.
- Busy jonesin', y'mean.


C'mon, Handjob, quit screwin' around.

Hey Bart. To whom do we owe
the pleasure? - Hey Kriss, Kozy.

We were hoping you were
here for an appointment.

Actually, me 'n' Handjob're just
conductin' a bit-o-business. - Oh bummer.

Isn't that a humongous bummer, Kriss?

Bart's here for my brand
of bliss today, ladies.

I dunno what to do.

It's hard enough bein' in a
band with your boyfriend, but

when stuff like this starts happenin'!
mean, what'm I s'posed to do?

Fire him?

Or break up at least.

OK, ladies


Hey so what's up with my video, man?

I'm still in the
'conceptualizing' stages.

Don't worry, it's gonna
blow your testes off. - Yeah?

You 'n' Bart are like trapped inside
this like gigantic, slimy uterus

- Are you gonna?

I promised my mom I'd stop for a week.

You? - I'm just gonna do a bunch of speed
later 'n' not eat for like three days.


Isn't that.
- OhmyGod.

Well, I guess I'd
better go hunt for him.

Wait. Can you drop me at Aran's?
I wanna score the new Dead Puppies CD.

I'm sorry the door was unlocked 'n' I.
- Forget about it.

What's your name?
- Egg.

Well, I mean, my real name's Polly,
but my friends all call me Egg.

'EGG'? - It's dweeby, I know,
but it just kinda stuck.

Well, hi Egg.
- I'm...

I know who you are.

I'm not from another dimension.

He looks shorter in person.
- So what?

He's still the total
definition of yummy.

OhmyGod, whatdidhesay?

Nothing really, he just. He invited
me to go for a walk. - WHAT?

Hey, did y'hear what happened to Marcus?

His butthole fell out 'n' he
has to have surgery.

Oh Henry.


Are we still in reality?

My palm itches.

Where's your twin brother Shad?



Have I ever told you that I love you?

Stow it'n'pay the lady, Shad.

Watch out, breeders! - Watch out
yourself, you freakin' lezbots!

Eat my Bermuda Triangle, Shad!


You alright?


Hey, look who it is

Hey Jana, isn't that your
muffdiving little sister over

there with her disgusting
Bosco-flavored girlfriend?

Insert it in your clammy
crevice, will you Shannon?

Hey, I think I need to pump again.

I could use a firm-up too.

- Kiss it and make it better.

So what're you gonna wear
to Jujyfruit's party tonight?


Can I borrow your Human
Sexology notes from last Friday?

Am I, like, the only person on this
cosmic plane who ever goes to class?

Hey, do you think
Montgomery likes me?

He's weird.
- Y'think?

Yo, Alyssa!
- Hey Ducky.

Hi, Ducky.
- I just woke up.

Really? - You guys hear
Muriel's in Cedar Sinai?

Who's Muriel?
- My stepmom.

She's like way anorexic: she
passed out in her low-impact

aerobics class 'nd they had to
carry her out on a stretcher.

Oh, drag.

You guys gonna be at the
Kick The Can game later?

l am.

Later, tater-tots.
- Right.

Hi Elvis.

Where've you been?
- Places. Get on.

What does she see in that scuzball?

You smell like a wet dog.

- Nope, rreeeorrrr.

Y'seen Egg around?
It's her turn to recycle the aluminum.

OhmyGod. You haven't heard? Your
little sister just left here with you're not

even gonna believe this.
Do you ever watch Baywatch?

D'you think this is completely
freaky or what? - What?

Y'know. Hangin' out, with me, like this.

Well it's alittle surreal, I guess.

You have no idea how sucky it
is being like, a "celebrity".

Everybody treats you like
you're not even a person

anymore, like you're
this thing, this entity.

You're eating dinner
in some restaurant, or

goin' to the movies or
whatever, and people stare

and point at you, start
whisperin' to their

friends like you're some
exhibit at a freak show

- That's why I like being with you.

I mean, I don't know you that well or
anything, but you seem, I dunno, different.

- Thanks.

Do you wanna sit?
- Sure.

OhmyGod. Jujyfruit's party is tonight
and I have no clue who to go with!

What about Jason?
- I'm going with Jason.

Well then, I'll go with Tomas.

I thought you were going with Tomas.
- Tomas has a dinky weenie.

You did Tomas?
- Ewww, I'm sure, gross.

I thought Jason was doing Tomas.

Jason is doing that Valley
sluthole llene Schwarzkopf.

Untrue. Says who? - llene.
- And you believe her?

Hello, she lives in Whittier!

If Jason did llene, then
he must've done Richard.

Who's Richard?
- llene's other scag.

Like she's totally into
these kinko threeways.

llene is a whore.

Is Richard the surfer with the
hairlip that drives a black Jetta?

No, he's got a Lexus.
- I thought he hung himself.

No, he's, like, totally gorgeous.
Plus he's got a Lexus.

Is he gay?
- Who? Jason?

- Tomas.

Well, duh.
What do you think, dingleberry?

I swear, Trudi, you can be so...

Yeah, I wanna write and direct

I have to ensure that
the artistic integrity

of this project isn't compromised

first thing Monday.

I ever-so-solemnly
swear. 'K.

Ciao, J. F. Christ.

Hold on.


Where is he?
Where is he?

He was here tike an hour or so ago

but no, man, he's not here now.

See Barty boy has left the building.
- Where'd he go man?

Did he say where he was going?
- Heaven.

He said he was taking a hike up

that or Stairway To Heaven.


My hat.
Where's my hat.

So, are you in school?

I dunno. Nothing.

Well I mean, a bunch of
stuff, nothing specific

Well, just as long as you
aren't in the Industry.

I have sworn off all actresses,
models, d- girls, you-name-it.

I have this fantasy.

It's probably comball
or romantic, I know but

there's times when I
want to just disappear.

Meet up with someone special, and just
run away, never be heard from again.

Don't you think that'd be killer?

Me too.

I figured you'd be here.

Hey Dude. - Bart.
You promised me, man.

I'm sorry, Cowboy.
I'm really sorry.

You have got to get clean, man.

You've got to.
Or it's all over.

You, me,

the band, the whole falafel.

I will, Cowboy.
You know I will.

I mean it this time, Bart.


come up here.

No, man.
Just get clean.

Look, I'll do anything to help you

through it but we
cannot do this anymore.

You get it?
No more.

I love you, dude.



So howyadoin', smiley?

OK now.

Mel. Dark.

I love you, Mel.

Totally true and pure Mutual.

1 just wish we didn't like get together
with so many other people 'n' stuff

Palooka, you know

that I firmly believe

that human beings are built

for sex and for love.

And that we should
dole out as much of both

as possible before
we're old and ugly and

nobody wants to touch us anymore.

I know

And just because I make it

with other guys and girls

has no effect whatsoever
on my feelings for you.

Sometimes I feel so old-fashioned
and from another planet.

It's like I'm half a person
without you.

You are so cute.

Life is so complicated.

I wrote a poem for you last night.

Want me to read it to you?
- No.

Hey Elvis
Do you believe in God?

I don't believe in anything.

You have to believe in something.

No I don't.

Tie me up.

OK, Mr. Kinky.

This OK?
- Tighter. Tighter!

Now the pants baby, the pants.

Okay now, spank me, baby.

Spank my hot, tight, rock-hard ass!

Harder! Harder! HARDER!

Uh, Elvis?

I love you.

Ditto, hugbunny.

I love you, Lilith i love you
more than life, more than death,

more than time more than
space I love you, I love you.

I bet you say that to all the girls.


Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
- Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

In this world of
depravity and perversion,

who is the Only One
that can lead you out

of the muck, out of
the dank, filthy swamp

that mankind has
foolheartedly sunken into?


Jesus! Jesus who died
on the Cross for our sins.

Welcome Jesus Into Your
Lives, Brothers and Sisters,

So That He Can Show You The Way
Into The True Kingdom of God!

I read someplace that that
dude's got like twelve wives.

I think I'm drunk.
- Most excellent.

To Destiny.

- What?

You are so beautiful

wait stop.

Don't play little innocent virgin with me,
babe. You want me. Admit it.

You wanna make it with me
so you can go back to say,

"Hey, I just screwed a big
star, aren't I just So Bitchen?

No please. Don't please, stop no.

What're you gonna do?

Sir? Excuse me, sir?
Is everything alright?

Yeah, everything's fine.
I just knocked over a chair by accident.

Sorry to bother you, sir.

Have a good evening.
- Thanks.

Well, that was a close
call, now wasn't it?

But tonight, tonight
is your lucky night,

little Egg, because
you're gonna get the best

dogging of your perky,
pathetic little life,

and you're gonna love
every single second of it.

You'll feel like you've just
died and went straight to Heaven

Dear, sweet and tender Bart.

How do you spell Relief?

Isn't sex just the best
tension release there is?

It's like a really good, sweaty game of

- only you get to come at the end.

I adore you.

What a nice thing to say.

Why don't we just bout the Kick The Can
Game 'n' hideaway here in my room forever?

What time is it?

No way.

I was s'posed to pick up
Lucifer twenty minutes ago.

- She is totally gonna roast my rump.

- Angelboy, I gotta go.

Mel, waitasecond.

Will you marry me?

You are too precious for words.

Okay, I'll see you at Kick The Can.

'n' don't forget it's
your turn to provide the X.

Love you, pooh butter.


- Yeah, Zoe, it's me.

Be right down.

Hey homey.
Why so jumpy?

I just. Nothing.


I missed you.

You just saw me the day
before yesterday, kumquat.

I missed you anyway.

Y'mean "Gilligan" here missed me.

We both did.

You're our favorite person in
this whole, wide, scuzbucket world

You are the sweetest boy ever.

So did you get the address
to Jujyfruit's Party?

- Hey Would I ever let you down?

Hi honey.
How was school today?


Don't forget, the Father-Son Bowling
Championship is next Saturday.

I won't forget.
- Hungry?

There's leftover taquitos in the fridge.

Thank you.

Miracle AIDS cure
turns out to be a hoax.

The Atari Gang continue their
reign of terror in the city.

And Palos Verdes City Councilwoman
Andrea Sperling insists her teenage

son was kidnapped and
experimented on by Space Aliens.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Tough tits, dickweed.

You're It.


1, 2, 3

4, 5, 6,

7, 8, 9, 10.

11, 12, 13

17, 18, 19


There it is, babe.
The vast and arid wasteland of

glittering filth, emptiness and death.


Hey, did you hear about that
old guy in Brentwood who croaked

and then by the time
his neighbors found him,

his dog had eaten half his face off?

Dogs eating people is cool.

Let the love feast begin.

Occupied, dude.
- Sorry.

Hey, you guys goin'
to Jujyfruit's Party?

Buzz off, twerp.


Goddamn chipmunks.

Now what?

Not there.


Taste good?

I just love the Milk
Chocolatey Goodness of...

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

What a' goomba.

You see him?
- He's fifty feet from the can

and so blitzkrieged, he's
like staggering around.

- What?

Have you ever like, I know it's none of

my business or anything,
but I kinda heard

this rumor that you're
kinda like waiting

for the right person.
- That is not true.

I've "done it", I'm sure.

With who? - Lotsa people.
A buncha different times.

What'd you do that for?

I think you chipped my tooth.
- C'mon.


Cripes, don't bust your ballsac.

You scared me.
- Obvious.

Has Dark been through here yet?


Well, Ducky 'n' Dingbat're already free.

Dark is so swacked
he's already doing the Cujo.

Y'know, the "Cujo."


Well, later.

Don't let the Boogeyman get you.


Jesus, Cowboy


Your turn.


Let's go, baby.


I wanna DIE!


What is it?

Nothing. I just.

Have you ever wondered what would
happen if the Big Earthquake hit

and all the nuclear power
plants in California blew up?

I mean, what would they do with all the

hundreds of thousands of dead bodies?

Babycakes, just go back to sleep.

Polly, honey?
Everything alright?

I'm fine, Dad.
- Y'want something to eat?

We saved you some shepherd's pie.

No, thanks.
- I'm not very hungry

We can heat it up in the micro.

Thanks, Dad, really.

I ate already with Alyssa and Dingbat.

Maybe later then.
- OK

Are you lost, my little lambs?

Don't know where in this world to turn?

Back in a flash.


You there, man? Pick up.

C'mon, Hey, you gotta help me out, man.

i need the address for that party
tonight at that Jujyfruit dude's place

So when you get this message, leave the

address on my machine 'n' I'll beep in.

Thanks, Holmes.

Once we get there, I'm gonna rip Jujyfruit's
balls off 'n' wear 'em as beef earrings.

Yeah, well, they're not gonna go
with those shoes, you low rent whore.

Hey, where's the crystal,
who's got the crystal?

Did you get the address?

You are a drug pig.

I'm rubber, you're glue

Didn't I tell you?
Don't you worry 'bout a thing, babe.

You're the Best!



Butthead hogbitch Lucifer?

Anybody here?

Montgomery. Dude


My fellow children of God, will you
do me this one teeny li'l ol* favor? - Yes!

Wherever you are, put down whatever
it is you're doin' And Close Your Eyes.

C'mon, do it with me now.
Don't be shy.

Nobody's watchin'. Close
your eyes, shut'em tight.

Now, along with me, think about Heaven.


Get a full-color, widescreen
picture in your mind.

Ain't it nice?

Ain't it so
downright beau-ti-ful?

Just feel it. Feel that White, Pure,

Holy Light cascadin' through your veins,

coursin' through your Body And Soul.

Praise Sweet Jesus! Whooaa!

Now doesn't that make
you feel so much better?

Just thinkin' about
Going Straight To Heaven,

Doesn't it make you feel
Soooo Goshdurned Good Inside?

Inner Peace, Harmony,
Eternal Everlasting Salvation.

It is yours, people, All Yours.

And all you have to do is Believe.

Believe! Do you believe,
my fellow children of God?

We believe.
- What's that?

I can't hear you, brothers
and sisters. - We believe.

We believe.


We believe.


It's like I got cottonbalts
stuck in my ears! We believe.

You at home, you gotta me help
out. You gotta let me know,

- We believe, we believe



We believe we believe

We believe.

You are such the driving talent.

Hey, loser.
- Looooooooser.

Where's Montgomery?
Everybody else is free.

We can't wait around for
him all friggin' night.

I saw him in the locker room a while ago.
Did you check in there?

What's the matter, Dark?

Isn't that his cross?

What, did he get bored
'n* go home or something?

I swear, that guy is
so capital L-A-M-E.

I vote we migrate to the party, okay.

The keg's already extinct I'm sure.

Don'tcha think we oughta wait for him?

I mean, what if...
- He can hook up with us later.

He knows the address.

Besides, I don't know if it's
the 'stacey, but this place

is startin' to give me the
heebies. - I gotta make a call.

I'll catch you guys there.

Bye. - Seeya.

Why're we stopping?

Are we lost, huggybear?
- 'Course not.

I just, I'm figurin'
out the shortcut route

Zero It doesn't matter.

Imean, I really don't care
about that soggy or party.

It probably sucks anyway.
- Zoe, we're gonna find it.

I would never let you down.

You are a dream come true,

OK, out! You heard me, pinhead.

Get outta the car
before I perforate you.

Please. It's my Mom's. She'll kill me.

Well, tell 'er that The Atari say

"thanks for the bitchin wheels, bitch!"

Zero, don't?ZEROHH.

Oh, cuddlepuppy

Hey, Mr. Sighvatssohn.
It's Cowboy.

Is Bart in?

I can't understand. What?

Speak English please. I. Mr. Sighvatssohn,

I can't understand you.
Speak English please.

I don't know how to
How could this happen?

Our beloved son.

Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my
God My baby My poor, sweet baby.


I don't know what.

Mr. Sighvatssohn?

Gimme that!

I'm full of hate. I want to kill.
I'm full of hate. I want to kill.





Isn't this fun?
- Sure.

Don't worry, smooshkins I love you.

Me too.

But my mom is gonna wire a
car battery to my testicles.

Hey tadpoles.
Wanna ride?

Yeah! Where you headin'?

Well, there's this party at Jujyfruit's.



Assume the position.

OhmyGod, have you seen Theresa lately?

She gained like fifty
pounds in one week!

I warned her not to stop doing crystal.

- Blood is cool.

No honey, your tongue is cool.

Sick! Glory Hallelujah, I am so polluted



Wet party, amigo.

What'sup, Handjob?
- Me. I'm up

Yeah, hey, got any horse tranquilizers?

Sorry, man, I took my
supply before I came.

But I have some cat-a-clys-mic?

So, like, location of the kegger?

Brewski, bro?
- Yeah sure.

Think I stepped in dog doo.
- Getcha a beer?

Score me one too?
- Yeah, just grab as many as you can.

What am I, the friggin barmaid?

Come with.

Mel, we gotta talk.
- Yeah?

I think we need to
discuss our relationship.

What relationship?

Dark, Baby look, I don't think

this is the time or the place.


Surf. Ski. 'sup?
- Sameole, sameole.

Hey Dirk.

We haven't seen you
since that time backstage

at the Palace after the
Engorged Gonads show.

You Tarzan, Me Jane.


Isn't that your twin brother?

Oh, hi sis.

Dad said for me to remind
you to mow the lawn tomorrow.

Well, you can tell Dad to
kiss my grinnin* grunt lizard.

No wonder I feel so
randy all of a sudden.


D'you know Alonzo DeLosa?

That dude never shuts up.

Well, he shagged this chick he
met at Jones a couple weeks ago,

and last Wednesday, he
woke up 'n' his pecker

was covered in itchy,
black, pus-oozing sores.

'Bout time.
- Bend over, robot.

Where's Mel?
- Hey you guys, Bob's here.

Who's Bob? - That hermaphrodite
pornstar who can screw himself.

What's a hermafrodyke?

Ducky, man. Phone call.
It's your parental unit.


Hey, cutie.
Can I jizz on your face?

Wait a second, Dad I can't hear you

Hey, where's Lucifer goin'?

I gotta leak major.





Your thing is out.



Are you done?

yeah 'cept well

Ewwwwww! Repulse-o.

Guess I'll have to use
the other John, 'scuze me.

So're you gonna get with
Surf 'n' Ski tonight?

I s'pose.

Mel, are we still together, or what?


I just wish things weren't so
messed up 'n' confusing, that's all

Can't we just leave this place?

Can't we just leave this
whole planet behind and

forget about everybody 'n' everything
and just like be in love 'n' stuff?

oh Dark

Put the drugs away and open up!

Dark, I Look, can't we
just deal with this later?



I just really miss you, that's all.

Hello? L.A.P.D.
- Can you hold on a minute?

I gotta go pee.

Hey sis.
- What're you doing here?

- I need air.

Hey, Dark.
How's tricks?

Hey Zero.
- Radical party, huh?

Yeah, sure.
- Dad, slowdown, I.

Son I don't know how to

What is it?

It's, it's your sister

What is what's wrong Dad

Hey Dark, have you seen Ducky?

He disappeared.


I think I'm gonna bail.
- How come?

'Cuz this party's about as
fun as an ingrown butt hair.



Grab his arm.

One one-thousand, two
one-thousand, three one-thousand

one one-thousand Ducky?

Get me a towel.

- Ducky!

How would you like to sit on my

face 'n' cut a big, juicy fart?

Yo! Dark.

What's happenin', Handjob?

No poontang, that's for sure.

Pardon my french.

Hey, need anything?

Up, down, all around

I'm blowin'.

It's been a gnarly day.
- Yeah?

In the last eighteen
hours, I've seen four

people get abducted by a space alien,

watched Ducky try to drown himself,

plus I spent like 387 bucks
on CDs at Aran's. - Kick my mom.

Hey, what CD's'd you score?

Hey, punk. Remember me?
The one you sold the bad drugs to?

The one you ripped off?
- Elvis, baby, c'mon.

Where's my money.
Huh, punk?

I, got some stuff in the car killer stuff
it's yours gratis. - Elvis, DON'T!

Elvis, STOP IT!

C'mon! C'MON ASSHOLE! C'mon.

Come and get me.
Come on big man!

Oh my God Elvis, STOP IT!

Dear Diary What a day.

I swear I have never been so depressed
and miserable and lonely in my entire life.

It's like I know there's got to
be somebody out there somewhere,

just one person in this huge,
horrible, unhappy universe

who can hold me in their arms 'n'
tell me everything's gonna be OK.

But how long do I have to wait
before that person shows up?

I feel like I'm sinking deeper
and deeper into quicksand,

watching everyone around me
die a slow, agonizing death.

It's like we all know,
way down in our souls,

that our generation is gonna
witness the End Of Everything.

You can see it in our eyes.

It's in mine.

I'm doomed.

I'm only eighteen years old
and I'm totally doomed.




The weirdest thing just happened to me.

Well, are y'gonna just stand
there with your mouth hangin' open,

or are you gonna let me in?



So, like, what happened?

I got kidnapped by space aliens.


'n' then what?

Well, they did all these tests
'n' experiments 'n' stuff on me,

then I overheard them talking about
their plan to take over the earth.

Then I escaped.

No way.
- Way.


I feel strange.

I think I'm catchin' a cold or something.
- D'you wanna, um?

Is it OK if I just, uh,
rest here for awhile?

I'm suddenly like soooooo tired.
- Sure.

Well, aren't you?


I, hope you dont take
this the wrong way.

I mean, I know you and

Mel are like, whatever.

"Whatever" is right.

She's all, you know.

It's not like I'm gay or anything

and I know we kinda just met.

But I really like you alot.

And I think about you.

Me too.

I mean, I feel the same about you

Like when I was trapped in the pod
thing that the Aliens held me captive in,

all I could think about
was what if they kill me,

and I never get to see you again?

This sounds retarded
and pathetic I know,

but all my life I've been searching

for one special person on this awful,

scary planet who I can love,

who loves me for what I am.

That is so poetic.

Is it OK if i spend the night?

I really wanna sleep next to you.

Only if you promise

to never, ever leave me.


What's is something the matter?


Montgomery, what is it?

Montgomery, Montgomery,
Montgomery. Tell me what it is.



Ohmygod, stop


I'm outta here.