Nothing But Trouble (1991) - full transcript

♪ Oh, the good life ♪

♪ Full of fun ♪

♪ Seems to be the ideal ♪

♪ Yes, the good life ♪

♪ Lets you hide
all the sadness you feel ♪

Mm-hmm.

♪ You won't really
fall in love ♪

♪ For you can't
take the chance ♪

♪ So be honest
with yourself ♪

♪ Don't try
to fake romance ♪

No.



♪ It's the good life ♪

♪ To be free
and explore the unknown ♪

♪ Yes,
and the heartaches ♪

♪ When you learn
you must face them alone ♪

Uh-huh.

♪ Please remember
I still want you ♪

♪ And in case
you wonder why ♪

♪ Well, just wake up, baby ♪

♪ And kiss the good life goodbye ♪

That's all you got to do.

Come all the way up.

All the way.
Thank you.

♪ Please remember ♪

♪ I still love you ♪



- Twenty minutes, hello, goodbye.
- Okay.

♪ ...you wonder why ♪

♪ Well, wake up, baby ♪

♪ And kiss the good life goodbye ♪

- Evening, Mr. Thorne.
- Evening, Mike.

A hundred and 10 blocks
in under 15 minutes.

Not bad for a one-eyed
Russian immigrant.

Somebody throwing a party?

- You are, sir.
- Oh, yeah?

Am I having a good time?

Well, Manhattan Fine Wines
just delivered

six cases
of Salon Les Mesnil.

Wow,
pretty pricey stuff.

- What did I pay for it?
- What do you care?

You got more money
than you can even look at.

Oh, I'd like
to thank you

for that little tip
on the market you gave me.

The wife says the stock's
gone up five points.

Good, Mike.

- Want some more advice?
- Sure.

Sell it.

Here, read my newsletter.

Have fun.

Fun is actually knowing
who half your guests are.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Woman,
kiss the good life goodbye ♪

Evening.

Chris, look!
It's us!

- Good evening, Chris.
- Hi, Chris.

I save it for you.

And that's what she says
to all the guys.

I'll get the next one.
Go ahead.

Cigar.

Chris, we'll see you
in the apartment.

- Oop!
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Heya, little fella.
What's your name?

Get down! Get down!

Come on, girls.
Get over here.

- I'm sorry.
- You oughta get cats.

They're a lower-maintenance pet.

Ah, here we go.

Come on, let's go.
Come on, girls.

Chris!
Chris!

I hate crowds.

You new
in the building?

You all right?

Y-Yes.

Take this.

- I-I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

I never do this.

Listen, some people are throwing
a party up at my apartment.

Why don't you come up for a drink?
It'll help you relax.

- What's the matter?
- Oh...

That son of a bitch!

I don't
believe this.

That bastard!
I can't believe this!

I'll be in the penthouse
if you change your mind.

Thanks for
the Espresso maker...

And the bag of shit.

Howard Suntz's office.

Miriam, this is Diane.
Let me talk to Howard.

I'm sorry,
Ms. Lightson.

He left explicit instructions
not to be disturbed.

What's going on
with this landfill deal?

I'm only
his goddamn lawyer.

- Why didn't I know about it?
- He said he's doing the deal.

Your services won't be needed,
professionally or personally.

Look, this is not about our
personal relationship, Miriam.

This is business.
Do you understand?

It's about my-- my
professional credentials,

my-- my law firm's time.

Why am I talking to you?
You know what?

You just tell Howard
that I'm coming down there.

Excuse me.

- Oh!
- Hi.

Hi. Glad you
could make it.

Thanks. Diane Lightson

I'm from the firm
of Masur and Glennet.

Chris Thorne.
I'm sorry about the cold hands.

Don't worry about it.

The law firm
Masur, Glennet?

Weese, Weiss,
Worple, Whip Me?

Yeah,
that's the one.

What's your specialty?

Uh, investment syndication
and public flotation.

It's got to be painful.

- Would you like a drink?
- I'd love one.

- Scotch?
- Great.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, fine.
- Scotch.

Are you going
to the Suntz thing?

Are you kidding?

Not unless somebody holds
a gun to my head.

He's a fraud.
He's a rip-off artist.

It's all about buying lakes
and filling them with garbage.

I don't know what set
you off in the elevator,

but if I were you, I'd stay
away from this Suntz guy.

Let's just say I have
a personal interest

in this particular deal,

so if you're not going,
can I borrow your car?

- Whoa, whoa.
- I'm a good driver.

I didn't say I'm not going.

I just said I'm not
planning on going.

Uh, I mean, uh...
I may have a low opinion of the guy,

but if it's
that important to you...

maybe you know
something I don't.

- Maybe I should reconsider.
- I really like to drive.

- I'll drive.
- I mean, I'm happy to drive.

No, no. It's my car.
I'll do the driving, okay?

Okay, great.
You drive.

Could I? Who's going
for a drive? Are you, Chris?

No, not tonight, Fausto.

When? Where?
We love to drive.

Are you going
to your house in the Hamptons?

- No, no.
- That's fantastic. When are we leaving?

Very, very early,
much too early for you.

How about, uh, noon
in the parking garage?

Noon is better.
We love it!

- Fantastic!
- Great.

I'm sorry about that.
That's...

Fausto and Renalda Squirinizsu.

I give them investment
counseling sometimes.

They're Brazillionaires.

They have breakfast
around 2:00 in the afternoon.

- We'll never see them again.
- Good.

So I'll see you
in the, uh, garage at noon.

- Okay.
- Don't be late.

- I won't be late.
- Good.

Ohh. Ugh.

Ugh.

Morning, Mr. Thorne.

- Morning, Mike.
- Fun night, huh?

Oh, God,
I can't do this.

- Listen, do me a favor, will you?
- Yes, sir.

You know Diane Lightson?
She just moved in...

Yes, sir. 23-B?

Yeah. She'll be down
in a couple of minutes.

Tell her, uh...
Tell her I'm-I'm too tired,

I'm sick,
I can't drive her, and...

- Yes.
- Give her the car with my compliments,

- will you?
- Certainly.

I got
to get some sleep.

Give me the keys, Mike.

Wow!
What a beautiful Beemer.

Good morning.

This is a vintage,
what, 733i?

Three point three liter?

That's right.

Had it two years,
never been out of Manhattan.

Really?
Well, maybe I should drive.

I'll drive.

Hey, uh,
let me get that for you.

Thank you.

Wow,
this is really cherry.

Mm-hmm.
Make yourself comfy.

Thank you, Mike.

Hope you
feel better, sir.

I feel great--
feel fine.

What the fuck...

I don't
believe this.

I should have known
a Brazillionaire never forgets.

- Chris!
- They're not coming with us, are they?

- Agh, look at them.
- Chris!

I can't say no.

That's a nice Beemer.

Chris!

Chris, dude! I imagine that you did
not think we'd be up so early.

Had no idea.

Hi, Chris.

Chris,
where are we going?

We're going
to Atlantic City, Fausto.

Get in the trunk.

Good. Good.
We can see the Taj Mahal.

I love it.

I hear they call it
the ninth wonder of the world.

Oh, we have the fifth
in South America, in Rio...

Eh, the Christ of Corcovado.

Hi, I'm Renalda.

Hola. Yo soy Diane.

¡Ai! ¡Puedes hablar español!
¡No lo puedo creer!

This is my brother, Fausto.

Encantado.

Chris,
put this tape on.

Let's chanka.

This is nice.

We are nice.

So, how long have you
been divorced?

Four years.

You still love her?

Nah.
Been over it for... weeks.

Chris, this road is
such a dull place.

We have a nice little
surprise picnic for you.

Clean food.

Let's take the car
into the countryside for a while.

Countryside?

This is
the Jerseyvania Triangle.

Whole damn place is
a mess of burnt-out factories,

junkyards, and coal fields.
Believe me, I know.

My grandfather was
in coal commodities in the '30s.

So let's go
and see them.

- Naw, I don't want to get lost.
- You won't get lost.

Look at all that
fancy equipment you've got.

Take the next road. Let's see
if you can use all that shit.

Ah, Fausto, I think
we should just keep going.

I don't understand
what's the big deal.

We made a nice little
surprise picnic for you,

you invited us
on a drive,

and now you aren't even driving us
where we want to go.

Dude, you could be
a better host.

Okay. Okay, listen.
How about this?

If it won't take too long,
Road 329, parallel to the Pike.

Okay, it crosses the Delaware

and then
it crosses back here.

There should be
beautiful river scenery

and it won't take us
too far out of our way, okay?

It's your dime, lady.

Oh, this
is wonderful.

¡Ai, pero que mangos!

I have two big mangoes!

- Oh, yes, he has the mangoes.
- Do you like mangoes?

- Pull over, Chris.
- Oh, this is going to be wonderful!

Fausto, I don't
want to stop here.

- Now please, not in here.
- Not here.

- Keep going.
- Chris,

pull over to a vista.

Come on.

Oh, look, a village.

Morning.

Sell pork bellies,
buy gold.

Oh, Jesus!

Why, Chris, look out! Oh!

- What is that, a vent pipe?
- It was a vent pipe.

What do you want to do,
get out and kiss it?

Ai, Chris, it smells.
It stinks. Go, go.

Nice town, huh?

Evel Knievel
and Mr. Clean.

Ah, this is better,
this is better.

- Pull over and find a nice table.
- I like it here. I'm hungry.

Let's eat right now.

- Let's open the whole thing up now.
- Yes, open it up.

- Let's see, what do we have? What?
- I don't see butter.

What do you mean,
"I forgot the butter"?

- I didn't forget the butter.
- Mrs. Squiri--

Antonio, Antonio the butler
forgot the butter,

not me.

- Chris, do you want a drink?
- I can't believe him.

- No.
- Now, Diana, smile!

- Eh, smile.
- This is a nice road.

- Oh, yeah. Chris, Chris...
- It's nice.

Smile.
I got you in the mirror.

- Eh, smile.
- Oh, no. A cop.

Oh.
Were you speeding?

Sixty-five.
That's the national speed limit.

Well, not everywhere.
It said 50 back there.

Fifty?

Why didn't you tell me?

You don't have to stop.

What? Right.

Let's get out the guns
and blow out his front tires.

Are you crazy?

Of course I'm going to stop.
He's a policeman.

What are you
talking about, dude?

This is
a provincial cop, man.

With this car, you could
easily get away from him.

Let's see
if we could do 90.

Are you kidding?
This baby'll do 130.

- Oh, so let's do it!
- Good. Let's go.

Go. Go, Chris.

Thorne,
for Christ's sake, go.

Go, man.

You wimp chicken,
let's go!

Hit it! Push it!

This is a little
goddamn hamlet.

Chris, go!

Well, here we go.

- Push it!
- I don't know about this.

I don't know.

Go, Chris.
Come on, Chris, go.

Don't be scared.
Push it!

We're winning!

You have-- You have a BMW.
Act like it.

- Faster!
- Uh...

Now I think
you may be breaking the law.

- Oh, forget about the law!
- Oh, but it is smooth, isn't it?

Jeez, he's got
a fast car, too.

Oh, sh...

Chris, Chris, move it.

For Christ's sakes,
move it, Chris.

Uh, maybe we better stop.

No.

No, I think
I can lose him.

Pull your vehicle
over now, please.

Pull over now.

What the hell
is that?

Detour!

- Chris, watch out!
- Ooh, here we go!

Whoa!

He still with us?
Uh-oh.

Where the hell
are we?

Go to the left!
Go to the left!

Pull over. Get over.

Oh, shit!

Be careful
on this side!

I'll do the driving,
all right?

Just come on, get over!

Just get to the right!
Just get to the right!

Will you be quiet,
Fausto?

Just let me drive, all right?

Sir, this is a heavily-traveled
industrial artery.

These trucks
own this road.

Oh, man. I just want to get
to Atlantic city. What's--

Sir, these speeds are not
advisable through here.

¿Tienes dolares?

Oh, no!

Everybody relax.

All they can do is cite me
and hand me a bunch of tickets.

I'll pay 'em and we'll be
on our way back to the turnpike.

Oh, I see.
It's all my fault now.

Folks, meet Andy Griffith.

Good afternoon.

Driver, step outside
the car, please.

Was I speeding?

Sorry, wasn't sure
you were a real cop,

and, uh, please...

I mean that
in a complimentary sense.

That's okay.
There's no law

against having
a sense of humor.

Now turn around, put your hands
on the roof of the car, please, sir.

There you go, sir.
Spread 'em.

Ah, come on, now, really?

- Spread 'em.
- "Spread 'em"? Wha-- Ah--

Oh! Com--!
Yeah, that's nice, thanks.

The lower back, please.

Thank you. Yeah.
Check the prostate. That's nice.

Oh! All right.
Thank you.

I got an itch right up in there.
That's good. Thank you.

Not today, sir.

Turn around.

May I see your license,
registration, and insurance, please?

- What's the charge?
- You were speeding,

but that's not why
I began to follow you, sir.

Back there in the village,
you failed to make a full stop

at the intersection.

Oh, really?

Oh, I didn't even notice.

Well, as I say, that's the initial
reason why I followed you,

and why you're
under arrest now.

The speeding and reckless
evasion will be overlooked

if you cooperate now

and quietly get in your car
and follow me.

- Clear?
- Sir... Sir...

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

This may be...
Valkenvania,

but it is
still America,

and we have an appointment
at Atlantic City, so we'd...

just like to get going.

Wouldn't mind, will you just
write a ticket here or...

we could settle it
some other way, perhaps?

Step back, please.

I understand, sir,

but, you see, that's not the way
things work around here.

You're gonna have to follow me
a ways to the reeve,

then it's up to him
how we proceed.

- Reeve?
- The local justice of the peace.

Now, I'm planning not to mention
the speeding to him,

so I suggest you come
quietly and immediately,

unless you want more trouble
than you're already gargling.

Ai. What's that beeping?

It means we're off the map
on this cartridge.

What time does Suntz
start the hype?

Six o'clock.
It's 3:30 now.

We can still make it
if you just let me do the talking.

Look at this
metal sculpture.

They must be
into folk art.

Folk 'em.

What is that, music?

They're
piping in music.

"Enjoy your stay."

What is this place?

My God.

So that's where
they buried Flipper.

- Flipper's dead?
- Flipper's dead?

"Village J.P."

"Shire reeve."

It's like Robin Hood...
"Be polite."

Hmm.

Oh, and no cussing.

Shit.

Wow.

Look at all
these toasters.

There is a negativity
about this place.

"Valkenheiser Salvage"...

"Trespassers will be shot."

Oh, come on.

There's
a funky karma here, man.

Is this a joke?

Ai, ai, ai, I hope so,

because I don't think
I like it here at all.

Where
the hell are we?

Listen, do we have
to get out here?

"Valkenvania Courts
and Schools, 1898."

Valkenvania.

Hi.

File in.

Reassemble.

Lucy, I'm home!

Oh, yeah.
It's old, it's old.

Right this way, folks.

Wait. I'm entitled
to one phone call.

Surely. And you're more
than welcome to make one if...

we had a phone.

- There's one in my car.
- Your car's been impounded.

Impounded? Already?

Step up
to the railing.

Please.

May I have your IDs,
everyone, please?

I already have
yours, Mr. Thorne.

Thank you.
Thank you.

These trials usually last
only a couple minutes.

Revolving District Court

for the village and shire
of Valkenvania is now in order!

The Honorable Reeve
Alvin Valkenheiser presides.

Okay, Dennis, give me
their licenses, ID,

toll tickets, report cards,
notes from the teacher.

There you go, Judge.

Traffic violation.
Contravention of village bylaw 23,

failing in the execution
of a full stop at a place so marked.

I recommend fine,
bond, and release.

What else you want to do for 'em,
bake 'em a pie?

All right here...

Who's Christopher
Lawrence Thorne?

That's me, Your Honor.

Thorne Financial Publishing,
Water Street, New York.

Okay.

Banker?
No, no, no. Banker, no.

Financial publishing.

- Thorne's Weekly?
- Okay. Banker.

Oh, here.

Well, look at this.
Passports.

I will have you know

that my brother, Fausto, and I enjoy
diplomatic immunity in this country.

Oh, yay, well, uh...

And you are
the Fausto and Renalda...

Squirrriinii...

Squiriniz...

Siz... Siz... Sizwi.
Sizwi?

Friends of the bride.

Yeah, that's right.

We all want
to get married.

No, sir. No wedding.
Moving violation...

Failure to stop.

Let's just be quiet

and let him do
his little thing,

and we'll be
on our way.

Oh, I will let you
be on your way, and...

Oh, when you go,
the cat's eyes'll spin!

Now, listen!

Okay.

We'll listen.

A-hey, hey, ho, ha, ho!

Hula, hula, hula,
the boola, boola, boola!

Look who's got the front seats
of the Mexican hat dance now.

Just like a bunch of spiders
in a birthday cake.

You might be interested
to know

that you are not
under the jurisdiction

of just any old
fishing license dispenser

and stamp-pad jockey!

We've always been set
to deal with the offenders

once and for all
at their first appearance,

quick as sump grease
through a 10-year-old goose.

Congratulations.
I'm glad to know

things are running
smoothly for you.

Put out that dog rocket!

Sir, sorry.

In 1796, my forefathers
established this seat

after the tenets
of the old shire charter.

Shire charter?

Excuse me, sir,
that's pre-Magna Carta.

I mean, serfdom
and fiefdom stuff.

Very good, young lady.

Heh, you know, you and I ought
to spend a little more time together.

Well, I'd-- I'd like that.

Would ya?

Well, then, more on how
they packed me off

to Farmers'
Mechanics' University

in Gracefield, Ohio,
for my engineering degree...

And how I fought the Germans
in World War I later.

- But for now...
- Later?

Wait, ho, ho, ho!
No later.

Wait a minute.
What is this shit?

Sir, no cussing in court!

We don't want to hear
the story of your life.

We just want to pay the ticket
and get the hell out of here!

- I'm sorry, Judge.
- Well, look at him!

He's going on and on!

This court herewith
binds you over

for a further appearance
to be held

at 4:00 tomorrow afternoon.

We so deem for the public
and common good

that you be confined herein.
So for now...

Good night, Irene!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Ai!

Shit!

What's the point
in that?

They're clean.
No drugs, no guns, nothing.

Ah, just another batch
of hot-pistol,

lily-water
city chickens

to run through Grandpa Alvin's
trick house.

When I'm gone,
you'll be reeve.

You can run things
any way you want.

'Til then,
you just do your job.

So help me, Dennis,
I'll cut you out of the will.

You won't get so much
as Flossie the nag.

I always do my job,
and you know it.

But I don't mind letting you know
my duties end right here at this bench.

Oh, fine.
Go suck a bug.

Are you okay?

What are we
going to do?

- Oh, Fausto...
- What was that for?!

How could you be
so insensitive?

What do you mean?
What are you talking about?

Fausto, you better do
something about this.

Niña, you're pulling
on my coat. Now, cool it!

I had us out of here!

Then you had to go
and open your big mouth.

You had us out of here?

We would've been here
another two hours

listening to the history
of the Valkenburger farm,

or wherever the hell we are!

I knew that I couldn't
depend on you.

Listen, I don't need this!

I was just trying to drive us
to Atlantic City for you!

- Oh, is that right?
- Yeah!

You're no longer
our financial advisor!

You're fired!

- Shut up!
- Shut up!

Miami, baby,
here we come.

- Yeah, you can just plant your body on me.
- Here, take this.

- Oh, baby, I'll just come hold you...
- Have they got a Jacuzzi in this place, huh?

- ♪ Get down to the pavement ♪
- ♪ Get down ♪

♪ Funky and mysterious ♪

♪ Some people live
in little grooves ♪

♪ But Romeo needs
more room to move ♪

- We got company.
- Want this?

- Nah.
- Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!
Pass it back.

- Get rid of this.
- Oh, God. Get rid of the bottles.

- Give me that.
- Yeah, yeah, you take the bottle.

Hey, Arty, don't give
your real license again, huh?

Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.

- Where's the pot?
- Would you shut up?

- No, I want you to pass it to me.
- No!

- Did we stop?
- It's under the seat, Sharpy.

Okay.

Where's the bottles?

Shut up.

- My God.
- Good evening.

Driver, step out
of the car, please.

Okay.
Good evening, officer.

Chief.

Driver's license,
registration,

insurance, and fitness
certificate, please.

Okay, Arthur...

- have you been drinking tonight, son?
- No.

Yeah, I had a couple.
So what? I'm fine.

I'm afraid
you'll have to blow.

Blow you to get
out of a ticket?

Forget it, Tom.

That's not funny.

I meant you'll have
to use a breathalyzer.

I'll blow him.

Maybe later...

next century.

Let's go, son.

Oh, come on, officer,
we were--

Ya- blew double drunk
within the village limits.

- You're going with me.
- Sure.

Whatever you say, officer.

Say good night, copper.

Please, please, no.

Don't kill me.

Chiefy, pal,

I was only kiddin'.

Okay.

- No!
- My God!

And will you look
at his face?

Is that nose rubber?

Hey, I don't want you.
I want Judge Wapner.

I have to plead
the fifth dimension.

Okay. Okay. Well,
let's see here, what we got...

We got your, uh, crack
and ice cocaine here.

You got your pills
and your vials of coke,

snorters, and pipes,
and grinders, and...

got your gun here

and you got
your switchblade knives.

Well, since you're all havin'
a whirl of a time

on some some kind
of a hopped-up date,

I believe that we can get this
all over relatively simply

and have you people
on your way,

so step forward
to the bench, please.

Hey, see that?

Thanks for understandin', Judge.

You know
what I'm saying?

You take care of this.
I'm gonna go out for a smoke.

Go for a smoke?

Dennis,
they've got guns, drugs.

One of them
tried to kill ya.

I'm staying to watch.

Okay, I hereby find
all parties culpable

in these matters as charged,

and so choose to inveigh
the maximum levy

for these violations,

and do therefore deem
that you be conveyed

to a wholly--
oh, awful place of execution

wherein you shall
be put to death.

Yeah!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- Aah!
- Aah!

¿Que es eso?

What's going on?

Heh heh!

Yes.

What's go-goin'
on here, huh?

I'll tell you what, there.

I'll give you all your coke
and your grinders and your spoons,

and pot and guns and knives
and all that back to you

when you come out
the other end.

♪ Goin' down ♪

♪ Bonestripper ♪

♪ You don't know
what you're going to do ♪

♪ 'Cause you're really goin' down ♪

♪ The bonestripper ♪

Hee-hee heh-heh ho-ho!

Look, I'm sure these
are reasonable people.

They'll have to entertain
some kind of an offer.

They're coming.

Okay, folks.

Git up here
for supper.

See...
reasonable people...

supper.

Supper.

Little white wine,
arugala salad,

maybe some pasta.

Welcome to supper.

How 'bout a nice
Hawaiian Punch?

Thank you, Judge.

You know, there's nothing better
at the end of a long day on the road

than a nice, warm glass
of Hawaiian Punch.

Here's to good friends.

Does he treat all traffic
violators this graciously?

Only the ones he takes
special interest in,

like bankers.

Ants on a log, ma'am?

Uh...

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'd...

love one.

Cousin?

Oh, ants.
Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh.

Folks...

I'd like to introduce
my granddaughter, Eldona.

She's single

and the best class "A"
mechanic in five states.

She's adorable, Judge.

She'd make
an ideal wife, too.

Genuine wage-earner, and...

struck dumb at birth
by a thunderclap.

My kind of woman.

I think the two of you'd
make a perfect couple.

Hmm.

You look pretty
this evening, sister.

Doing something different
with your hair?

Oh!

Hmm.

Eldona, would you
please prepare the meal?

- Mmm.
- Thank you, dear.

Hmm.

Want to see
the wine list?

Young man!

It is basic
human politeness

to share your conversation
with the whole table.

So what's on your brain?!

Alvin,
I was just thinking,

you've got enough, uh,
vintage steel around here to make

a few thousand Toyotas.

Ever think of selling
the whole place to the Japanese?

There you go!

Does the Pope wear a hat?

Was Sergeant York's mother
an angel?

And will a banker
grope for money?

I'm not a banker,
I'm a financial publisher.

Yeah, well,
all I know is in '17,

after they shipped me
off to fight,

some New York financier
rolled in here one day and...

hoglowsered and
tubwangled my grandfather

into mining
the whole place out

in exchange for shares
in something called

the United Coke Company.

Do you know what those stock
certificates are worth today?

Just about the finest
outhouse wallpaper

you've ever seen!

We were forced to become

what you
drove through today,

a burnt-out coal field,

and the biggest
icebox graveyard

east of the Ohio
foundry belt.

And that's why I never
let a banker go.

So your grandpa made
a lousy deal.

Is that our problem?

Judge...

that's a very
tragic, tragic story.

I believe it is.

You should
do a book.

How do you like
your dog, folks?

They're serving dog?

No, no, no,
hot dogs...

Dutch Country Herefords,
prize-winners.

Hot dog.

Stadium franks,
you know, like they had

before they brought in
night games.

Hmm?

Okay. Let's eat.

♪ From the great
Atlantic Ocean ♪

♪ To the wide
Pacific shore ♪

♪ From the green ol'
Smoky mountains ♪

♪ To the south lands
on the shore ♪

♪ She's mighty tall-- ♪

Here's how I like 'em and...

I suggest you have 'em
the same way.

Go ahead, there, folks.

Fix yourself up
a couple of dogs.

♪ Listen to the jingle ♪

♪ The rumble and the roar ♪

♪ As she glides
along the woodland ♪

♪ Through the hills
and by the shore ♪

♪ Hear the mighty rush
of the engine ♪

♪ Hear the lonesome
hobos call ♪

♪ As it rambles
across the country ♪

♪ On that Wabash
Cannonball ♪

Wha...

What was that?

Just a mine fire...

burnin' since 1926.

Nothing that'll cause us
to interrupt our meal.

He hopes.

Come on, now, mix up them
condiments the way I do!

♪ ...sh Cannonball ♪

♪ Listen to the jingle ♪

♪ The rumble
and the roar ♪

♪ As she glides
along the woodland ♪

♪ Through the hills
and by the shore ♪

♪ Hear the mighty rush
of the engine ♪

That's enough.

I'm going to flip out.
Get behind me, baby.

You people are
sick, wicked,

funky, misanthropic,
codependent animals!

I won't have my sister,

who was once the queen
of the Mardi Gras,

sitting at a table

with a pickle-shooting
train!

He's right.
We gotta go.

Ai!

Fine.

- Oh!
- Come on, baby.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Ervilla, put that up.
Use the dogs.

- Run!
- Run!

Take your hand
off her!

Ooh! Ah!

That's more like it.

Eldona, if you would please,
show them to their room.

- Ow!
- Easy.

Where do you
work out?

Those people
have no dignity!

Fausto,
you were a hero!

Oh, Fausto, and they
had such ugly, ugly food!

Oh, Fausto,
what is that smell?

It smells
like São Paulo.

- Toxics!
- Toxics!

- Oh... Oh, no!
- Oh, baby, we've got to swim through that.

Fausto, Fausto,
you're not going to make me swim

through toxics, Fausto!
I cannot believe it!

- Baby, we've got to get to the freeway!
- Ah, no!

We've got to get
to the freeway.

I don't deserve this.

- How could I believe you could--
- Close your mouth.

Okay.

Oh, you let me go! Oh!

Oh!

Aah!

Fausto!

Come on.
Come on, let's go.

You haven't got
the correct time, have you?

My watch is slow.

Ooh!

Hmm!

Let me see if I can
get a fire started.

Fausto, we did it.

- We did it!
- We did it, man!

- We did it!
- Carlo Rossi to the Bahamas, man.

- We're going to the Bahamas!
- We're going to the Bahamas!

Having a nice time.

- We did that. Let's go.
- Ai! Ai!

Let's find a road.

We hitch hike to a truck.

- Okay, we hitch hike.
- We hitch hike to a truck.

That is completely...

Congratulations, folks.

You made it
across our gully.

You should
get a prize.

Please, let us go.
Let our friends go.

We're rich.

- We'll give you anything.
- Solid.

- Liquid.
- Rich.

What am I gonna
do with money?

All I do is work
for the reeve since I was eight.

I got free
room and board.

Only you have
the power to help us.

Dude...

it looks like you need
a nice couple of weeks...

holiday, you know?

Nice.

Time off
from your job.

You peeled
the correct banana there.

Leisure time.

Kick back.

Nice.

Fish tacos.

Quick, hide.

Go on, it's my cousin!
Come on!

The original, all-purpose Ditch Witch.
Hide! Get down!

All of this is about some
hustler who dumped on you, right?

Isn't it?

Well, what about Suntz?

Really.

I mean, what were you
planning on doing

when you got down to Atlantic City
and confronted him?

Slap his face in front
of a roomful of investors?

That's a hell of a way to break up
with a guy, if that's what you're doing.

So you picked
the wrong guy.

Happens to the best of us.

I've been through this.

You know...

when it comes to love,
there's no accounting for taste.

Hell, I used to be
married to Imelda Marcos.

You don't have to put
yourself through this.

A guy like that's gonna
end up burying himself, anyway.

He doesn't deserve you.
You're too good for him.

Oh, I'm just such a jerk.

I mean...

why do I always pick
the wrong guy?

I mean, I'm...

I'm so trusting...

and so gullible.

I mean...

I don't know why
I'm such a pushover.

I mean, I'm such a sucker.

Mmm.

Mmm.

I just love
a pretty face.

Oh.

Oh, it's so...

Oh, it's so
embarrassing.

Oh!
Ooh!

I better lie down.

Oh, you're
nothing but trouble.

Ooh! Oh.

What the hell
are you doing?

That wasn't me.
That was the bed.

Let's get out of here.

Oh.

Up here.

Come on.

- Oh...
- In this room!

This way.

- There's got to be a way out of here.
- Over here.

Must be the nursery.

Bat room.

Ooh, guano.

"Marjorie Valkenheiser.
She forgot to duck."

- Jesus, it's moving!
- Oh! Aah!

Ah! Ah!

No! Oh, no!

No! Oh! Oh, no!
No! Oh, oh, oh!

- Ah!
- Aah!

Oh, Jesus.

We got to get
out of here.

How far
does this go?

It goes all the way to--

- Oh!
- Oh!

Ah!
All the way up to here.

- Are you all right?
- Ooh! Ooh! Ahh!

It's a blind staircase.
Maybe I can... oh.

- Wait.
- Pull that one.

Got it. Go on.

Jesus, look out!

- Hoh.
- You all right?

Hah.

I don't know how much more
of this crap I can take.

We're trapped.

Wow, look at all these IDs.

What is this?

There must be
thousands of 'em.

Passports
and Auto Club cards.

Wow, a license:
"Virginia Horse and Trappings, 1896."

"Statewide search
for outlaw biker gang underway."

"Busload of Hare Krishnas...

"Disappears."

"Ex-Nazi Rocket Scientist Vanishes,"

'49.

All these IDs match the--
the news clippings.

Look at this.

"Jimmy Hoffa Still Missing"
and here's his ID.

Are you kidding?

Oh, wow.

You know, I think they've been
doing this around here since the 1890s

and I don't see any reason
why they're gonna stop at us.

I mean, look at this.

They're all
criminals and creeps.

Bankers.

Exactly.

Nah.

Aah!

What happened?

Aah!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Oh.

I wish we were
on that train.

Me, too.

Good luck, slick.

Hey, look at this,
it's a slide.

Yeah, but this is
no playground.

Could be a bed
of spikes down there.

- Let's go. Come on.
- Go. You go. Take it slow.

Aah!

Aw, shit!
Oh!

Whoa!

Diane!

Oh, whoa! Whoa!

Uh-oh. Diane!

- Aah, ho, ho!
- Whoa, oh!

Where? Why? What?
What? When?

Oh, no!

Oh.
What the...

Chris.

Chris.

Come on.

Chris?!

Chris, you get
down here right now!

Come on.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Howdy-do ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-bum ♪

Oh, yeah. Yes, always was
a good-looking fella.

♪ Mm, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba ♪

♪ Eh de-dee ♪

The Beemer.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

Oh. Okay.

Come on.

Come on.

Fantastic.

This is Cell-net One.

The system to which
you subscribe has

- no agreement with our service.
- What?

For you to make--

Gee, we have to finish this work
for Grandpa Alvin, okay?

We're always
working for him.

He treats us
like we're his dogs,

not his grandsons.

We got
no human rights.

He's just mad
that we both got so fat,

we couldn't
finish high school.

You're the fat one

because you always eat
too much cereal.

You're the one
who's fat.

Not as fat as you.

- You're the fat one.
- No, I'm not.

Look, just get the hammer.

I got it.

Can't you
hold that straight?

Hey. You're the one
who's forging.

Can't you even see?

- I can see you're stupidest!
- Oh, that's it!

I am never
working for you

in this
foundry again.

Never!

Give me that. Go get
a ball-peen hammer.

No!

You know, the one
that's round on the end.

I know the ball-peen
hammer's round.

He thinks
I'm his child!

Ah!

Oh!

Trespasser!
Get her!

Get her!

Oh!

Stop, trespasser, stop!

Ah!

Ah!

- Hi.
- Eldona's got her.

- That's good.
- Yes, that's good.

Eldona's got her.

- That's not good.
- No, that's no good.

Ah!

No!
What are you doing?

No, Eldona! No!
Please stop!

Oh! No! No! No!

- No! What are you doing?
- No! No, no, no!

Don't throw her
in the minefire vent, please!

We just want
to play with her.

Ooh, thank you.

Thank you.

I know. I know.

We won't lose her.

Hi.

I'm Bobo.

That's Little Debbull.

Hi.

We're not allowed
in the house.

Oh, ho.

Is she okay?

Judge Valkenheiser.

- Judge!
- What?!

I got some speeders!

I'm bringing them in.
I'll meet you in the courtroom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keep all your fat parts in one place.

I'll be right down.

♪ Oh, baby,
you hit me like thunder ♪

♪ Get over, get onto,
get into ♪

♪ To love you is
always a sin to ♪

♪ Get up or get over,
get under ♪

♪ Oh, baby,
you hit me like thunder ♪

- ♪ Get over, get onto, get into ♪
- All right, that's it, fellas.

Right up the stairs.
Right up there.

Here we are, gentlemen.
Come along. Join the party.

Thank you very much.

Come on.
Everybody comes.

Man, would you look
at this place?

It's like
extremely Draculated.

White man's heaven.

One at a time.
Here we are.

We're home. Let's go.
One, two, three.

Lickety-split.

She is one ugly,
cross-burning,

redneck, peckerwood
police bitch, man.

All right, move.

A good man's work
is never done.

Oh...
sat around all day

listening
to all those stories, why...

I want
to relax and just...

"Village Reeve Hurt
in Foundry Blast."

So that's what happened
to the poor, old, ugly pus-bag.

I thought I took care
of my vermin problem last year!

No!

I'm glad
I forgot my pistol.

Bad call, corn flake.

I left that leg
in France.

And now...

- I'm gonna stick you!
- Are you crazy?

I'm gonna dig
so many new holes in you,

you're gonna look
like a salt shaker!

Get your Italian loafers
out of my bedpan!

Ooh!

I'm going to make you
cry now, boy.

Chew on this,
you stinking relic!

My skunk!

You know, you are worse
than a week of yellow shit storms.

First I find you rooting around
in my private things.

Now you're making advances
against my little granddaughter.

I was just trying
to get away from you.

I ran into her, okay?

Well, she's got
your taint on her now.

Taint.

No choice
but house policy.

Fine. House policy.

What's house policy?

Well, whatever man touches her is
the one she keeps.

What?
What are you talking--?

Oh, no. Wait a minute.
Oh, no. Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

I just went through
a goddamn stop sign.

I just want to get
to Atlantic City.

Please, judge.

She'll know
what to do with him.

What the hell is that?

Okay. What's going on?

Boy!

Oh, 12:30, isn't it?
It's kind of late.

I was dreaming there,
I was back in France on furlough.

Step forward, Constable.
What are the charges here?

Speeding.

Seventy-five in a 50.

In a hearse.

Well...

if it was an ambulance,
you got a chance.

If it's in a hearse,
gotta be worse.

Okay.

Oh, this is a union card, huh?

What are you,
mine workers?

Aw, man.

No, man.
We're musicians.

We're a hip-hop band.

- You know what I'm saying?
- That's right.

Hip-hop?
Musicians?

So youse, uh...
youse all musicians, huh?

Yeah. Deejays.

Constable,
you search the vehicle?

Oh, yes, sir, I did.

It contains
musical items.

Well, I, uh...

Well...

I'd better see them.

Bring 'em all in.
Set 'em up.

Let me see 'em.

All right. Let's go.

♪ Big girls don't cry ♪

♪ Big girls don't cry ♪

♪ Big girls ♪

♪ Don't cry-y-y ♪

♪ They don't cry ♪

♪ Big girls ♪

- ♪ Don't cry ♪
- ♪ Who said ♪

♪ They don't cry ♪

♪ My girl ♪

♪ Said goodbye-y-y ♪

♪ My, oh, my ♪

Eldona, you know
he's not supposed

to see you
on this special day.

Special day?

What is it,
Halloween?

Right this way,
Mr. Snappy Comeback.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, after this, you can see us
do our tag-team wrestling show.

Okay? Three.

- Okay. Okay.
- Let's go.

Two.

Say, I got that!
I got that!

- I win. My deal.
- No, no, no, no.

Bobo wins because
Bobo's hand was on top.

Yeah. My hand's on top.

I win. My deal.

No, I won. My deal.

My hand's on top.
My deal. I win.

That's right, Debbull. It's Bobo's deal
because Bobo's hand was on top.

- Ah.
- Yeah, my hand was on top. I win. My deal.

Okay.

Okay.

If I win again...

I get...

Another bowl
of cereal.

And if I win, I get...

Diane.

No, Little Debbull.

My deal.

Okay, Bobo. Deal 'em.

Drop the beat, J.

♪ Been all around
the world ♪

♪ Been all around
the world ♪

- ♪ Been all around the world ♪
- ♪ All around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

- ♪ A-All around the world ♪
- ♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ I came for the party ♪

♪ To get naughty,
get my rocks on ♪

♪ Eat popcorn
Watch you move your body ♪

♪ To the pop song
that I'm singin' ♪

♪ Ding-a-lingin' ♪

♪ Funky beat's ringin' ♪

♪ Everybody swingin'
in the place ♪

♪ As I kick
the J-A-Z-Z-Y style ♪

♪ R & B mixin' it
with the hip-hop swing beat ♪

♪ Champagne in my hand,
it won't be long ♪

♪ 'Til I'm gone ♪

♪ It's just
the same old song ♪

♪ It's just
a free style ♪

♪ Meanwhile we'll keep
the beat kickin' ♪

♪ Sweat drippin' ♪

♪ Girlies in the limo
eating chicken ♪

♪ Oops, don't get the grease
on your panty hose ♪

♪ I love you, rover, move over,
I gotta blow my nose ♪

♪ Sneezin', but still
I'm pleasin' all the slimmies ♪

♪ Pull out my Jimmy ♪

♪ Time to get busy
with a Jenny ♪

♪ If it's good and plenty,
don't you know? ♪

♪ There I go, there I go,
there I go ♪

♪ But I don't go nowhere
without my gym hat ♪

♪ When I'm rappin' as if she's
clappin', then I'm strappin' ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm smarter
than that ♪

♪ And then, girlie,
maybe we can get along ♪

♪ Cutie after cutie ♪

♪ It's just
the same old song ♪

♪ All around
the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ All around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ All around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ A-All around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ All around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ A-All around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ All around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

Yes.

Yep.

You sure are a gaggle
of musicians, sure enough.

And now...

The disposition
of your case.

Uh, gather in
a little closer, there.

That's right.
Right there. Yeah.

In light of
your contribution

to the common good,
I hereby waive all fines,

suspend all sentences.
You're free to go.

Uh, huh, hol--
hey, hol-- hold the harvest.

There is another matter
before the shire court this evening,

and, uh...

Well, youse all
might be able to help.

- Where's Diane?
- Oh, she went home.

Listen, I got something
better for you.

First, I think
you oughta know something.

In many cases here, I do often
choose to inveigh the maximum levy.

Frequently, undesirables
are put to death.

Oh, sure,
I can understand that, Judge,

but come on...
death for running a stop sign?

And for being a banker.
That's the double death.

However,

I'd be willing
to cast aside all findings,

be blind
to your banker's blood,

let you live out
your days here as...

husband to my granddaughter...

father to her child, and...

heir to my seat.

Wha--
What are you saying?

It's death or Eldona?

Oh, come on, lad.

Take her hand.

Warm my tired
old heart.

I know women.
She loves you.

Ever since
she saw you,

she's been floating around
like milkweed in a spring breeze.

Mm-hmm.

Make her happy.

Take care
of her needs, and...

you'll inherit a fortune
Ali Baba would crave.

Listen, Judge...

Uh...

You know, I-I-I-I--
I've s-spent some time alone with her,

and she's
a spectacular woman.

She's quiet but, uh,
just shy, just shy.

- Mute.
- Ah.

But...

Judge, as far as her
needs are concerned,

I could never presume
to be able to fill them.

Oh, you can slip on
a pud collar.

Now, let me get you out
of these cuffs and chains,

and everything,
I'll get you all married up,

and we'll welcome
you to this family

with an
all-night reel.

- No cuffs, huh?
- No cuffs.

Pud collar.

Well, I must say...

It sounds
awfully tempting.

- Hit it!
- Yo.

Drop it, J.

That's it.
Again.

Yo.

What it be?
What it be?

♪ We'll tie the knot ♪

♪ Tie, tie the knot ♪

In her own way,
she's kind of special, isn't she?

You'll never
have car trouble.

♪ Da da da-da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Da-da ♪

- ♪ Da da-da ♪
- Mm-hmm.

Ah, yeah.

Okay.

Ahem.
The district and commonwealth,

hereby duly recognizing
the will and wish

of a man and woman
to enter the holy

and life-binding
state of matrimony,

herewith confirm
that you,

Eldona Marjorie
Valkenheiser,

do take to husband
one...

Christopher
Lawrence Thorne.

Hmm.

Mmm.

And you...

Christopher
Lawrence Thorne...

confirm that you do...

take to wife...

one Eldona Marjorie
Valkenheiser?

Hmm.

Pardon?

- What? I can--
- What? Speak up!

I do. I do.

- Hmm.
- This office so recognizes

and certifies this union

and declares that you are
now wedded man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Yeah!

Well, Judge,

plenty of time for that
on the honeymoon.

You may kiss the bride.

No, not in front of all
these people, Your Honor.

Now!

Yo, way to go, homeboy!

- All right!
- Yeah!

All right, so,
let's get out of here

before the old man
changes his mind, all right?

- Yeah, okay.
- Wait! Wait! Help me!

- We're out of here.
- Wait! Help me!

- These are dangerous people.
- So long, man.

- It'll be all right. It'll be all right.
- No! No, please!

I was nervous
at my wedding, too.

- No! No, please!
- Just...

- You don't understand!
- ...never mind him.

He's just got
the wedding night jitters.

It's okay.
Just go on out

- the way you came. I'll...
- They're maniacs!

Open the gate
and flip the bridge for you.

Now, you be cool, man.

Yeah, well, bye.

You weak-livered puffball!

Damn city-working,
yuppity well wallet!

Look how you hurt
my granddaughter!

Aah, you ain't
family material anyway.

No, Judge.
Aw, come on, Judge.

No, I tell ya,
I wasn't...

No, judge!

Why? I--

Aw, Judge,
wha-- Ah!

Wait!
Whoa, Nelly!

Aw, come on, Judge!

No!

So long, Charlie!

Come on, all right?
What the hell is this now?

Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, please, god!

Guaranteed you're
gonna enjoy this ride!

Oh, god! Oh!

I'm of the school
that believes

the last 30 seconds
of a person's life

ought to have
a little zip in 'em.

Oh, Judge! Hey, listen,
I'm sorry I called!

Aah!

- ♪ Goin' down ♪
- ♪ Down ♪

- ♪ Bonestripper ♪
- ♪ You ain't seen nothin' yet ♪

Oh, please!
Oh, please, God, no!

♪ You're goin' down ♪

♪ Mister ♪

Judge, I'm sorry, I'm--
Please!

Oh, no,
I-I-I-I love Eldona!

I love your granddaughter!

She's beautiful!
Aah!

Oh, no! My... hey!

Please, God, help!

Please, God, stop!

I'm sorr-- Help!

Help me!
Oh, no!

Please, God!
Oh, please!

Oh, God.

Oh, please, dear lord!

Please...

Please, God, I--

Thank you, lord.

Oh.
Damn thing blew a belt.

Tell Eldona
to go and fix it.

Easy on her, Grandpa.
She's mighty broke up.

I'll get him.

Don't let him get away!

Bring that there load
to the Gradertine.

Diane?

Diane?

♪ I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean I love you ♪

♪ I dream, I dream,
I dream, I dream ♪

♪ All night of you ♪

♪ Oh, kiss, oh, kiss,
oh, kissity kiss ♪

Come on!
Eldona!

Mmm.

Mmm.

Okay!

Aah! Oh.

You go on,
get out of here!

Get out of here,
you big slushbag!

Go on back to your hole.

Excuse my grandkids.

- They're all spoiled pulp rotten!
- That's right.

Too much,
too easy, too soon.

Yeah, kids today, I know.

Thanks.

Want a mint candy?

Oh, uh...

No. No.

Missy...

I sure do hate
to cut and shuffle

a fine little muffet
like you.

- Oh, yeah, me, too.
- But I will...

if Joe Polo don't show!

- Now, he hurt my family.
- Okay.

Now, child,
you'll walk free...

scot-free,
right outta here.

You just get
on the two-way now

and tell Mr. High-class
to come on in.

Okay, I'll talk to him

- right now.
- Well, all right.

- Aah!
- Oh!

You okay, Judge?

- See?
- Wow.

You see that?

Now somebody's gotta pay

for the way
they sapped this ground.

- You want your pills?
- I'm all right.

Hey, hotworm!

Listen!

We got your pretty little
girlfriend down here

ready to go on the Gradertine
for a quartering.

But, because she's
a bright-eyed, smart-lookin' type,

I'm willing
to make a trade.

You lie down
in her place,

she goes free.

We'll all be happy,
including you.

Here, here, you tell 'im.

Where the hell's that dog-food-eatin'
grandson of mine, anyway?

Dennis!
Here, you talk.

Why, what's going on
with him, anyway?

What, is somebody not
giving him his napalm?

- Is he all over...
- Uh, Chris?

Hmm.

Hi. Um...
It's Diane.

Um, listen...

Run!
Run for your life!

Save yourself!
Tell the world about this place!

Just te--
Blegh!

Oh, boy.

You really put the pin
in the party hog now, girl.

You got five minutes
to come on in

or she gets cut
and shuffled.

Mind, now, no gallantry
and no suicide stunts.

You just come on in.

Come on, now.

Be a real man.

Surprise yourself.

Save the woman.

Give yourself up
for the girl.

Heh.

She'll cry over you
for weeks.

What's the matter, boy?

Heh, heh, heh.
Ain't she worth it?

All right,
you old liver spot.

Sorry about this, Diane.

But we have to tie you down

like Grandpa Alvin says.

I wish it was him
we were tying down

- instead of you.
- Yeah.

We don't like him,
but we love you.

This is a classic case
of a dysfunctional family.

I mean, you should consider
some help, some therapy.

He won't go!

Okay, cowboy.

Last chance saloon.

I'm gonna count down
from 10.

If I don't hear
your voice

by the time
I get to one,

- I'm gonna cut her!
- Aah!

- Oh, don't! Oh! No!
- Eldona, get them blades up.

Mmm.

Eldona, hey, listen...

You wanna...
Why don't we go to New York?

I'll take you
to Elizabeth Arden.

- We could do a lot--
- Ten!

Guys!
Get me outta here!

Nine.

Come on, now, banker!

Eight.

What's wrong
with this little girl here?

She a bad kisser
or something?

Seven.

Chris, I really didn't mean
for you to save yourself!

Get your ass back down here
and save me!

Six.

- Chris, get down here! Don't leave me!
- You ain't giving me much choice, boy.

- Five. All right, now, boy!
- Please, Chris!

Last chance saloon!

Four.

- Don't!
- Three.

- Two.
- Aah!

One.

- Diane! It's me.
- Help me!

Oh, god.
Hurry, get my hands.

- Hurry!
- Let's get outta here. Hold on.

- Oh, my god!
- It'll be all right.

Get my hands!

What the hell
took you so long?!

Okay, oh, get me out.

Oh, I knew you'd save me.

I think
I dirtied my diaper.

Oh, get me the hell
out of here, Chris!

He's fly-dicking
with me!

Eldona,
drop those blades!

Get him! Get him!

Aah!

- Aah!
- Shit!

Hey!

Get 'im!

Get aaah!

Who are
the infant bodies?

Bobo and Little Debbull.

They're not allowed
in the house.

- Get that spotlight, okay?
- Okay.

So what do you play
when you go to Atlantic City?

Blackjack? Craps?

Got to find them!

I don't think
they saw us.

- Come on.
- Okay.

Excuse me.
Coming through.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Aw, we'll never
get across this.

Oh, no.

Let's head
towards the train.

Come on,
through the woods.

Smells like São Paulo.

- Who's that man that was with her?
- I don't know.

I don't know, neither,

but she got away.

You're the one that was
supposed to be watching her.

Oh, yeah.
That's the most beautiful girl

I've ever seen.
I feel stupid.

Bobo, shut up
and drive!

There they are!

On the hill!

Get 'em
before they get

to the top!

Stop them!

Okay.

- Hey! Hey!
- Hey!

Hold on!

- Stop! Hey, stop! Stop!
- Hey!

Now!

Come on!

- I'm with you.
- Right!

Come on, reach!

You can do it!
Come on!

I can't make it.

Trust me.

Come on, reach out!

Come on.
That's it!

Damn it! That's it!
How did I miss that one?!

We gotta get
some help.

As soon as the train stops,
we'll get off and call the police.

You saved my life.

Thanks.

It was worth it.

Bye, Diane!

- Diane...
- Bye-bye!

Bye, Diane.

Then we w-- had
that spinning bed,

the door flew up,
and we came...

got up into that,
uh, a-attic...

- Up in the attic.
- ...with the newspapers and, uh, the...

- All those licenses, and then...
- Yeah, that's pretty much where

- we found all the licenses of the, uh...
- ...and then...

- and the newspaper clippings...
- ...we kind of sat down...

- which matched each other.
- And had a cigar.

We were smoking a...
relaxing, and...

- Yeah, there was no way to know, I mean...
- All of the...

- It said Hoffa was still missing.
- What was that...

- As far as we knew, he was still there.
- ...an escape hatch, or whatever?

- Oh, we ended up in a tunnel.
- Anyway, this door opened...

...and we went flying.

Bobo and Little Debbull
saved me.

- Luckily, I was able to hear it...
- And we climbed the cliff

till we got on the train right
after the fuel dump explosion.

We think maybe
the Brazillionaires have been killed.

That's... dead.

You folks, of course,
will have to come with us

for identification
purposes.

Wait a minute.

This man removed
his nose and upper teeth

three inches
in front of my face

and started crooning
like Bing Crosby.

I'd like to help out,
but I'm pretty sure

I can pick him out
in a lineup,

you know what I mean?

We could do it.

We?

This is the state
attorney general.

We have a warrant
to search these premises.

Why-Why don't you just
blast your way in?

First, we have to serve
the warrant to someone.

You know, I bet we could
get them to come out.

- Us?
- You know, Miss Lightson doesn't have

a bad idea there.

Well...

I suppose
it's worth a try, if... if...

you two are up to it.

- It'd be our pleasure.
- Wait a minute. Wait.

Can't wait to see his face
when he gets a load of this.

Okay.

Yes?

Well,
what's going on here?

Who are you?

Why are you bothering
an old man?

You're through, Judge.

Oh...

you kids better
look out behind you.

There's a bee's nest.

Hi, Judge Alvin!

Evening, troopers!

Can't go too far
in this part of the world

without running across
my friends.

Alvin is something,
isn't he?

And... of course
we can't admit

that we appreciate the way
he gets things done.

And since you know
what you know,

I'm afraid we're gonna
have to come to...

some kind of a...
ar-arrange--

It's the coal fire!

The seams are giving way!

Run for your lives!

Come on, grab me! Grab me!

I'm not gonna lose you now!
Come on!

Gotcha.

Hey, what's
all that shaking?

I don't know.

I didn't
do anything.

Aah!

- You all right?
- Yeah.

- My Beemer! Get in!
- No. Come on, it won't start.

It's got a fuel cut-off switch.
It's part of the alarm system.

- No seat belts.
- No roof.

Oh, my...!

¡Ai, Fausto!

That was the most adventurous
weekend of my entire life.

When I think about what
happened in Valkenvania...

I would do it again.

Not me.

I was like James Bond.

Don't worry, Dennis.

Now that you are head
of our personal security...

And my lover...

Dude, your life's
gonna be fantastic.

And don't you worry.

No one's gonna
touch you

or my little
Flora de la Luna.

Ooh.

Dennis, listen to me...

You can-- Scare--
Squish--

S-S-Squerneesh.

Squershwammies!

Oh.

Ho.

T-T-Tie...
T-Tie...

T-T-T-Tie--
T-Tie the knot. T-Tie...

Tie-Tie-Tie.

Tie-Tie-Tie.

Go. Go. No, don--
Mon--! The bu--!

Woof! Woof!

No! Huh!

Hey, Chris?

Chris,
hey, hey, hey!

It's okay.
It's okay.

Take it easy. I think you're
just having a little napmare.

Oh. Ohh.

It's over?

Oh, yeah, it's over.

- You're okay, we're safe.
- Oh, god.

Take it easy.

Oh, jeez,
what a weekend.

Yeah, no kidding.

But it's okay.

I'm gonna go
take a shower.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Just rest.
- I'll rest.

Okay.

I'm gonna watch
a little TV.

Numerous fire companies

from New York,
New Jersey, Ohio,

and all
neighboring states

are barely able
to handle

the subterranean mine fire

near the town
of Valkenvania.

- Diane, you should see this.
- Our Susan Campost is on the scene.

Roger, this cloud may
have a silver lining.

Geologists say the brief
but intense heat

from fissures
10 miles below

have cooked the upper
coal tailings

into a fine,
medium-grade crude...

over 50 million barrels.

Wait just... just
one second, Roger.

I see one
of the village residents

rummaging through
the remains.

Excuse me, sir,
how do you feel

now that you
have lost everything?

At least we all
got out alive.

Of course, there's nothing
left for us here now,

so we're all planning to move in
with my grandson-in-law.

- Oh, no!
- He lives in New York City.

Oh, come on, what?!

No, wha--?!

See you soon, banker!

No, what?

Aah!

No, you won't.

♪ All around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ I came for the party ♪

♪ To get naughty ♪

- ♪ Get my rocks on ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Eat popcorn ♪

♪ Watch you
move your body ♪

♪ To the pop song
that I'm singin' ♪

- ♪ Ding-a-lingin' ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Funky beat's ringin' ♪

♪ Everybody swingin'
in the place ♪

- ♪ As I kick the J-A-Z-Z-Y style ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ R & B mixin' it with
the hip-hop swing beat ♪

♪ Champagne in my hand ♪

- ♪ It won't be long 'til I'm gone ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ It's just the same old song ♪

♪ It's just a free style ♪

- ♪ Meanwhile we'll keep the beat kickin' ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Sweat dripping ♪

♪ Girlies in the limo
eating chicken ♪

- ♪ Oops, don't get the grease on your panty hose ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ I love you, rover,
move over ♪

♪ I got
to blow my nose ♪

- ♪ Sneezin' but still I'm pleasin' all the slimmies ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Pull out my Jimmy ♪

♪ Time to get busy
with a Jenny ♪

- ♪ If it's good and plenty, don't you know? ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ There I go,
there I go, there I go ♪

♪ But I don't go nowhere
without my gym hat ♪

- ♪ When I'm rappin' as if she's clappin' ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Then I'm strappin'
'cause I'm smarter than that ♪

- ♪ And then, girlie, maybe we can get along ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Cutie after cutie ♪

♪ It's just
the same old song ♪

♪ All around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

- ♪ It's the same old song, y'all ♪
- ♪ Oh, it's all around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Ah, it's just
the same old song ♪

♪ All around the world ♪

- ♪ Same song ♪
- ♪ It's the same song ♪

- ♪ All-All around the world ♪
- ♪ It's all around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Money-B,
the freaky deke ♪

- ♪ Squeaky-lickin' you up and down ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Well, as a matter of fact,
I'll be right back ♪

♪ I gotta take a leak ♪

♪ So while I'm drainin',
entertain 'em ♪

- ♪ But I got fame, and the bases are touched ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Too much for me
to try to be namin' ♪

- ♪ Hey, yo, you saw me on cable and grinnin' ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ I busted in,
and I was goin' to win ♪

♪ Like Clark Gable back in Oakland,
it's the same old song ♪

- ♪ This sporty shorty, same freckles and hat ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

- ♪ Drinking the same formula ♪
- ♪ Hypothetical, political, lyrical ♪

- ♪ Miracle Whip, just like butter ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ My rhymes are legit ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a humpty,
not Humpty Dumpty ♪

- ♪ But Humpty Hump ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Here a hump,
there a hump ♪

- ♪ Everywhere a Humpty Hump ♪
- ♪ Aw, shut up and just listen ♪

- ♪ Not dissin', don't get me wrong ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ But to me
it's just the same old song ♪

♪ So just watch,
'cause my name is shock ♪

- ♪ I like to rock, and you can't stop this ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ 2PAC, go ahead
and rock this ♪

♪ Now I clown around ♪

- ♪ With the underground ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Girls that used to frown
Say I'm down when I come around ♪

♪ Gas me
and when they pass me ♪

- ♪ They used to diss me, harass me ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ But now they ask me
if they can kiss me ♪

♪ Get some fame,
people change ♪

- ♪ Want to live their life, ha ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song,
can't go wrong ♪

♪ If I play
the nice guy ♪

♪ Claim to fame
must have changed ♪

- ♪ Now that we became strong ♪
- ♪ Same song ♪

- ♪ I remain still the same ♪
- ♪ Why, 2 ♪

♪ 'Cause
it's the same song ♪

- ♪ All around the world ♪
- ♪ All around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ It's the same old song, y'all ♪

- ♪ Then all around the world, y'all ♪
- ♪ All around the world ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Hey, get out, get out ♪

- ♪ Shake hands, shout out ♪
- ♪ All around the world ♪

- ♪ It's the same song ♪
- ♪ Get out, style ♪

- ♪ It's just the same old song ♪
- ♪ All around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Be-be-de-be-ye-dow ♪

♪ All around the world
it's the same song ♪

♪ Ah, yeah, Humpty Hump
in the house, y'all ♪

♪ All around the world
it's the same song ♪

- ♪ It's the same song ♪
- ♪ And you know what? ♪

♪ It's the same old song ♪

♪ All around the world
it's the same song ♪

- ♪ All around the world it's the same song ♪
- ♪ All around the world it's the same song ♪

Ahh...

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

- ♪ Been all around the world ♪
- ♪ All around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ It's the same song ♪

♪ Been all around the world ♪

- ♪ It's the same song ♪
- ♪ Been all around the world ♪

♪ The same song ♪

♪ The same song ♪