Normal People (2001) - full transcript
A "normal" couple are living a "normal" life together. But they have a lot to complain about themselves to you.
Ships are mind-boggling, huh?
- What?
- Ships are mind-boggling...
- aren't they?
- Sure.
Why is that?
- What?
- why are they mind-boggling?
They don't sink.
Were they supposed to?
Sure. So heavy and
so huge, filled...
with heavy stuff. They
should... sink right down.
"S0 N0RMAL - THE M0VIE"
--and enjoy our
convenience stores.
We wish you ail
a great trip.
Make way for the newlyweds!
Newlyweds passing through.
Excuse us, please.
Is there a priority check-in
for honeymooners?
Yes, there is.
Well, then...
l'm not good at farewells.
Me neither.
See you around, then.
- Enjoy your honeymoon.
- Thanks. Take care.
Are you going on your
honeymoon by yourself?
I hope not, if I find
a well-hung sailor aboard.
Rui!
I just heard we won't leave
for 2 more hours.
- So?
- in my state, I can wait...
2 hours by myself.
What do you want me to do?
Would you keep me company?
For 2 hours? Doing what?
Have you thought we might
never see each other again?
You said you'd call me.
But who said I keep
my promises?
- You don't?
- No, I do, but...
we might hit an Antarctic
iceberg near Punta Dei Este.
Icebergs don't get there.
- They do.
- No, they don't.
- Do to!
- Do not!
Groom passing through!
Make way for the newlyweds!
Are there any icebergs coming
from the Antarctic?
No, there are not.
I must be the lousiest
company on earth.
He won't keep me company
for a minute!
1 minute is ok.
Even 15 minutes is fine.
But 120 minutes need
to be filled up somehow.
So wouid you stay with me,
if we fill up those 2 hours?
Yes, I wouid.
Excuse us, please.
I know what we could do
to fill up our time...
and, at the same time,
ease our tension.
Both? I like it already.
But you mustn't believe
your soul will go to hell...
and God will punish you.
0o you believe that?
Excuse us.
Coming through!
- How do you do?
- Fine, thank God!
All's fine for the faithful.
May I ask what you
are looking for?
Us?
For you, father.
Exactly. For You, our Father!
Not that Father. This one.
Right. For you, father.
- And we found you.
- Halleluia!
- You married us, remember?
- Yesterday?
I do.
But serious events last night...
made us realize we've made
a big mistake.
And since a wedding annulment
is expensive--
wouid you please come out?
Hidden like that,
it looks like...
- You're in...
- The outhouse.
Yeah, in the... privy.
- That's better.
- Much better.
Where were we?
We'd like to know if...
when you purchase
an appliance...
there's a 24-hour
return period.
- It's been less than 12 hours.
- Exactly.
- So, I though--
- Say no more.
You think I can annul
your vows? No way!
- No!
- "Annul" is a strong word.
Way too strong.
We thought you could just
rip our wedding papers up.
- Rip them up?!
- 0r burn them.
Please?
Are you two crazy?
- We're not...
- At all.
Listen, father...
we had a tense night.
- Indeed.
- Reiax, my children.
I've officiated at weddings
for 20 years. Next-day...
jitters are quite normal.
But anyone can see you
were made for each other.
We what?
No, not us. we weren't...
we met yesterday.
Pardon?
We met yesterday.
GiANT MiNi FLASHBACK
Not in there! Give me the money.
This is for the... huh...
- I'll win the bet.
- will not.
- Will not!
- I will!
You don't know
who I bet on.
Who's the groom?
- I am.
- You?
Congratuiations.
I wish you all the best.
I'm the 6 PM bride.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
All the best.
We meant to vacate the church--
- You haven't?
- The nave's free...
but we're still at
the receiving line.
You were to vacate it
25 minutes ago.
There's a problem.
Nobody brought rice.
Everyone expected someone else
to bring it, so there's no rice.
I wish mine had no rice.
Don't say that. without rice,
your wedding is jinxed.
- 0h yeah?
- Really jinxed.
- Just a sec.
- Thanks.
Has anyone brought rice?
Rice? it's right here.
What is that?
100 lbs. Martha wanted to
make sure we had enough.
Martha's famiiy always
exaggerates.
Great. Martha's your fiancée?
Girlfriend.
We skipped the
engagement part.
Me, too! From Sergio's
girlfriend to his bride.
- Engagements are dated.
- Yeah.
A thing from the past.
So...
can I have a handful?
Angela, give the lady
here 200 oz.
No can do, Rui.
I'm Martha's bridesmaid,
and the Bag Keeper.
- "Bag Keeper"?
- The rice bag.
The priest might mistake it
for charity.
That's so exciting, daddy.
You liked it, sweetie? I had
it selected just for you.
So cute, daddy.
And I know how hard
switching the ring tone is.
If not today, when would I
ever use that?
You're not gonna answer?
Let it ring a bit longer.
Answer it. it might be important.
Hello? Rui, let me guess:
the wedding's off.
No problem. we'll save on
your apartment mortgage.
Give it to me, come on.
Hi, Rui. we're stuck
in gridlock.
Well, brides are supposed
to be late anyway.
There's no hurry.
The 6 PM bride's here with me.
She is? How come?
What happened?
She needs some rice.
Just 48 oz.
I'll pay it back.
Angela won't let anyone
near our rice.
Rightly so. She's
the Bag Keeper.
Talk to her and
green-light it yourself.
All right.
- It's important.
- Cool.
0kay.
She said no.
- No way!
- why, Martha?
Too bad they forgot
their rice.
I won't ruin my wedding
for their stupidity.
Martha, there's 100 lbs. here.
Enough to bury us.
Look, Rui. There are
500 guests.
100 lbs. divided by 500 guests
equals 100 oz...
barely a handful.
What did she say?
100 lbs. divided
by 500 guests...
equais 100 oz per guest.
Just a handful.
But not everyone
throws rice.
Heard that? Not everyone
throws rice.
"Says who? in case they all
do, there won't be enough."
Someone might wanna
throw 2 handfuls.
I'm not asking for a bag.
Just a handful.
She wants only a handful.
Will you stop aggravating
me right now?!
My answer is no!
0kay, but that's absurd.
You're being selfish...
but I won't argue with you
in the vestry.
I forgive her, cause
she's nervous.
She is nervous?
And what am I?!
I will have no rice thrown.
You could throw flower
petals. That's in.
Bitch! Fuck! Miser!
Sit down, guys.
I was the 6 PM bride.
But I paid for half
of these flowers...
and I'll have to take my half
now by force majeure .
Rice is out.
Petals are in, okay?
Throw the flowers I gave you.
Come on!
Wait! Not the stems!
It's aimost 7:30 PM.
Honk!
Louder! They're ruining
my entrance.
Who is that?
- Crying over there?
- Beats me.
- Been at it forever.
- why?
I don't know.
Are you all right?
Why are you crying?
Keep it down.
was it a guy?
Stop, Vani. Don't!
Don't tease them.
Come on, baby, get into
the swing of it.
What's the use of renting a
carriage, if you act normal?
Going to make babies, huh?!
Go deep, big daddy!
- You're on fire, baby!
- The groom's a cuckold!
0h, great! This is so
embarrassing!
Stop it. They're
jealous of us.
Whore! whore! whore!
Can't we go any faster?
Let's gallop!
This is part of the
carriage's romanticism.
Those bastards up front
won't move!
- Penguin!
- Fuck you!
Don't! Don't do that!
They're irate. Soon,
they throw eggs at us.
Please. who'd throw
eggs at a bride?
Shit!
We're have come here today
in the sight of our Lord...
to join in holy matrimony
Martha and Rui.
But, first, I'd like
to share with you...
a few thoughts on
another matrimony...
held in Canaan,
2,000 years ago.
Rentals are disgusting. So many
balls must've sweated in here.
Stop. People are staring
at our butts, Rui.
Who? They are not.
Grooms get sweaty balls.
it's a warm spot.
This suit must be impregnated
with men...
and it itches.
It itches badly.
Look at the crowd, honey.
They are sending guests away.
And I fretted over
the attendance.
Told'ya I don't believe
in bad luck.
- Son, son!
- Mom!
Guess what happened?
The local druglords...
shut down all businesses
in the district.
- What?!
- No shit, mom?
The reception hall is closed.
The bouncers said today's
reception is cancelled.
- I'll talk to--
- weddings are not businesses!
Weddings are sacred!
Get me this druglord
right now!
Wait here, son.
Women know how to
deal with these problems.
She's sensible.
She'll charm him
with her sweetness.
She'll straighten this out.
Shut up, mom.
I've got a migraine.
Vani can handle it, son.
Let her take care of it.
We're screwed! Screwed, mom!
- I...
- I...
Martha Figueira...
Martha Figueira, promise...
to be faithful to you...
- to love...
- to love...
- and respect you...
- and respect you...
for better or for worse...
for better or for worse...
as long as we both
shall live.
As long as we both
shall live.
May God bless you,
and bless...
your love and commitment.
You may kiss the bride.
L0VEM0BILE
10 years from now, in a routine
physical, the doctor...
will find rice stuck
to my balls.
Spare me your
scatology today.
I've got rice everywhere.
0pen it.
I need lessons on
unbuttoning all these.
Call me when you throw
the bouquet, okay?
It's the best part.
- Not today.
- why not?
I promised my mom I'd
throw it to her cousin.
- Who?
- A miserable woman...
abused as a kid by her drunk
father, and her 3 boyfriends...
all drunks, who beat her up.
A tragedy.
Didn't you see a skinny girl
crying in the front row?
Thanks, guys! My pleasure
collaborating with you.
Too bad you cleaned me good.
I hope to collaborate further
in the future.
Motherfuckers! Thieves!
Police!
MATTRESS-DRILL
There was rice left.
I had an idea.
What idea?
Now what? Do I
leave you here?
No, take me to our bed, Sergio.
Do we just go ahead
and do it?
0n their wedding night, most
people are anxious to do it.
Right. And are you?
Anxious to have sex?
No, but something has to go
right for us tonight.
I'll take a shower first.
I'm all gooey with egg--
I'll take one, too, then.
You'l smell good,
whereas I'm all stinky.
- Are you?
- No...
only in certain spots.
My dress train is long, hot.
But I'll go first.
Wait! Take me to the kitchen.
I wanna pop our champagne.
- Wanna "pop" in the kitchen?
- Yeah.
Watch out, Sergio.
Look, there's leftover lasagna.
Heat it up in the microwave.
I'm starving.
Give your body pleasure, Macarena
Cause your body's for good things
Give your body pleasure, Macarena
Ehhh, Macarena!
Bouquet pots are a fun,
traditional wedding game.
The groom and his best men
bet on who will grab it.
Whoever wins, donates
the pot money to charity.
- That's nice.
- Yeah, and I bet on you.
I support charity organizations
for the poor, so...
I really have to win.
I'll try. it's in
my own interest.
Here's an insider's tip
for you, ok?
Remember that girl
crying in the church?
Martha will throw it at her
out of pity.
- No way?
- Here's the deal:
try and position yourself--
Girls, I'm gonna throw
the bouquet!
Ready?
0ne...
Two...
I wanna see you,
and hold your body
Sleep with you
Day and night
Every day of our love
I wanna love you forever--
whose lipstick is this?
What lipstick? I bet
it's yours, Vani.
It's not. I've checked.
I was taking all my lipsticks
to our honeymoon.
"Was?" You won't anymore?
You got me all right.
No, I didn't. Are you accusing
me of something?
Not yet. First...
I want to know
whose lipstick this is.
Gosh, it could've been
there for ages.
It would've dried out, then.
But it's wet.
Someone drank from it today,
or no earlier than last night.
If not you, then who?
Perhaps the cleaning lady.
Dona Rosa?
A kardecist widow, mother of 5,
sexless since 1963?
Drinking champagne
with bright pink lipstick?!
It's the only other woman
who comes in here.
She might be a major drunk,
and we don't know it.
I've noticed there's...
a bottle of French
champagne missing.
Go ahead and look. There's
oniy 5 in there, right ?
- 1...
- what the hell?!
- 2...
- Stop it!
- 3...
- That's French, Vani!
- 4...
- what the heck?
5. Right. 0ne's missing.
I get it.
You two must have drunk it before
you stuck it up her ass!
Whose ass? Vani,
are you crazy?
That's what I want to know,
Sergio. whose ass?
And don't call me crazy!
Don't! That's an expensive TV.
The whole office chipped in
to buy us that.
I think a whore from your
office screwed you here!
That's absurd, Vani.
You're delirious.
Crazy peopie are delirious,
and I'm not crazy!
Goddammit, Vani!
what the fuck!
I'm glad it's nothing serious.
A minor problem
shouldn't ruin our party.
DJ?! Put some music on!
Let's party, let's dance.
0ur next question's worth
this mini-system...
or your mom's tacky
soup tureen.
What was her name?
Who cares? Sheila, Shana,
Sharon, whatever.
What was she like?
Look, the guys from work
insisted on a bachelor's party.
Don't, Vani!
Wrong answer!
what was she like?
A fake blond call girl,
with a black patch...
a Southern accent. That's it.
Where did you do it?
Goddammit, Vani.
I told you. Right here.
There you have it.
Wrong answer! 5 seconds
for the correct one.
5... 4... 3... 2...
0n the couch. There.
I said it.
0n the couch.
- Not on our bed?
- 0f course not!
The truth! I'm an expert in
detecting bitches' traces!
0k, it was on our bed...
but I sat in the corner.
It was just a quickie.
0n our bed, Sergio?
The bed we were
meant to share?
The cradle of our future family?
I've apoiogized a million times!
it was a stupid thing.
- 1 or 2 stupid things?
- For God's sake!
1 or 2 stupid things?!
I don't get it.
what do you mean?
0kay, 2 stupid things.
But the 2nd one was lame,
sort of haft-assed.
And what did you do with
that whore in between?
I refuse to answer that.
Don't! Vani!
Vani! what the fuck!!!
You throw rice and
I'll kick your asses.
Fight!
Do you know how much
your fit cost us?
Can't answer. I have
an appointment now:
I'll go down and screw
the first guy I see.
What's so funny?
I'm serious.
I'm gonna screw
the first guy I see.
And you're fixing your
makeup for him?
Exactiy. Anyone with a dick,
I'll screw.
Even Stinky, that bum
in the corner?
Best aims he's ever
been given.
Come on! who are
you trying to fool?
I'm fine. Never been better.
I'm fine. Never been better.
I'm fine. Never been better.
Look up here, Vani.
Would you please
look up here?
There: the 1st guy you saw.
You'll have to do me.
Sergio, my love...
screw you!
- I'm beat.
- Are you?
I'm gonna go to bed
and sleep like a log.
What? Are you crazy?
0n our wedding night?
Let's consummate it.
- Consummate?
- Means "screwing" in Catholic.
- I don't beiieve it.
- what?
You've become an oid man
a bit too soon, haven't you?
You won't fuck me
on our wedding night?
Honey, my back and feet hurt...
the poor skinny giri
aimost died...
A minor head trauma, no big deai.
It was. we'ii have the rest
our iives to do it.
No, not the rest of our iives.
That's the 2nd tradition
you break.
0ur marriage is doubie-jinxed.
- You don't beiieve in jinx?
- i don't beiieve in "tradition."
weii, i do. i'm a
traditionai guy. So...
i'ii consummate our wedding
by myseif, ok?
My ieft hand, with the wedding
band, represents you.
So iong i don't get drips...
i can't promise that.
with your majorjinx...
who knows?
Vani, iook here, piease.
0on't do this to me.
Look. i wanna show
you something.
You got maii! Look!
An e-maii!
I L0VE Y0U
Throw it to me.
Server probiems.
Now, the iipstick.
- Gosh!
- You said your ieft hand.
I've got rice stuck in
a piace i can't reach.
0on't ask for my heip.
When we puii over,
i'ii take off my pants.
0ad? i can't taik.
My battery is aimost dead.
Yes, dad?
Sergio, you got maii.
I'LL SCREw THE FiRST
GUY i SEE
i got an itch from
my pants, you know?
I'LL SCREw THE FiRST
GUY i SEE
Let me see it.
It's upside down.
Gotta go, dad. Bye.
Fiip it.
You must be Martha, right?
- Who's this?
- The bride before you.
You ruined my wedding,
you know?
By refusing to give me
a handfui of rice...
everything's gone wrong
in my iife.
- It jinxed you?
- Jinxed?!
- You cursed my marriage.
- That rice thing.
Your honking made my
carriage horses panic...
then peopie threw eggs at us,
making our horses fart.
There was no reception. The
drugiords caiied a curfew.
And, to top it off,
when i got here--
where is-- ? Gone?
- Your piace?!
- No, the asshoie i married.
Sergiooo!
Vani is fucking crazy!
She is crazy.
Vani's making me crazy!
Sergio Rodrigues de Mattos!
He aiways makes it iook
iike i'm crazy.
You coward! Get out
of my sight, hear me?!
Now i'm fucked.
i'm fucked!
I'm totaiiy fucked.
He won't show up. He's
paranoid i'ii make a scene.
Look what he wrote.
- In the back, too?
- what?
- There's more.
- i wrote that.
- It's upside down.
- Sorry. we had a fight.
He threw a bacheior's party...
here the night before
our wedding.
I went crazy. So i came down
here to--
Screw the 1st guy you saw.
Not reaiiy.
i just wanted to...
- Piss him off.
- Yeah. Then you showed up.
Sergio! Come out, or i'ii
make a scene! where is he?!
Let's go, Rui.
Listen, do you need any heip?
Are you okay?
Shaii we, Rui?
- You guys iive across from us?
- Yeah.
Can i go up to caii my sister...
and see if i can sieep over
her piace?
Sure. Come on up.
It's our wedding night, remember?
- Weren't you going to sieep?
- i don't mean to intrude.
What?
We were ieaving
on a cruise tonight.
Now i don't know
what to do.
Reiax. The worst is over.
You don't get it. we'd
booked a cruise...
to Montevideo.
A iiner, you know?
First ciass, expensive stuff.
Wait, hoid it, Martha.
Sorry. i didn't mean to ruin
your honeymoon.
You didn't. Hurry, Martha.
- He shouidn't have--
- it's okay.
He shouidn't have...
How couid he?
- Rui!
- Yes?
- Me, too.
- You, too, what?
You have to carry me
inside, too!
0h, right.
Crazy. This is so crazy!
I'm sorry.
I had aii these feeiings
bottied up and...
then, suddeniy... they...
- Caim down.
- i'm caim.
It's just that now...
i'm not so sure i...
i'm iost. Get her a tranquiiizer.
- What?
- Go get one of your piiis.
Me? i just got here.
Is that asking too much?
She's not a bad person.
She's taken to her mother.
It's gonna be fine.
I don't know how to thank you
for being so nice to me.
Thank you so much.
Shit! i got my period.
- Got what?
- My period.
- I can't get my dress dirty.
- How did you know?
Women can feei it.
- Where's the bathroom?
- There.
Ask you wife for a thing.
- Like what?
- A tampon. i need a "super."
Super, eh?
There's mini, reguiar and super.
Ask for a super.
Super? Fuck!
Is your pussy mini, reguiar,
or super?
- Tampons. She got her period.
- 0n the couch?
I didn't see any stains.
- She's so inconvenient.
- Let me see.
Reguiar? She needs super.
Nonsense. They're ai the same.
Watch that stranger and our
$25,000 doiiar scuipture.
0oes she stiii need that piii?
i can't find it.
She's got her period.
She needs it even more.
Hi. Thanks.
- That piii's coming right up.
- Reguiar? i said super.
Martha said it makes
no difference.
0h reaiiy? Suppose you go
buy condoms.
Wouid you buy just any size?
- Course not. why?
- A "mini" one wouid be too tight.
Exactiy. it's gotta be the right
size. what's yours?
- What?
- Size.
- Size?
- Your condom size.
- Mine?
- Yeah.
Is there one in between
normai and super?
Normai to super, huh?
Congratuiations, eh?
Get me a super, okay? Thanks.
Hey, iisten.
You just got married, and
i don't mean to jinx it...
but i think you're gonna have
maritai probiems.
We are?
She being a size mini, and
you, a reguiar to super...
intercourse must be siightiy
uncomfortabie for her.
- You think so?
- And, in married iife...
"siightiy uncomfortabie"
becomes unbearabie.
She'ii end up avoiding sex
with you aitogether. watch out.
Is she aiready avoiding you?
It's our wedding night.
i said: "Let's do it."
- 0uite naturai, right?
- Right.
- She didn't feei iike it today.
- Toid'ya.
She said her back hurts.
Typicai excuse.
It's not her fauit.
It's our hypocriticai society's.
Now, you iost me.
In our society, women don't
teii their men:
"Honey, my vagina is too mini
for you penis' size."
Speciaiiy a huge one
iike yours.
Get me a super, okay?
Is having intercourse with me
uncomfortabie for you?
She said it is, but you don't
have the guts to teii me.
Give me a break!
Since your vagina is reguiar, and
my cock is reguiar to super...
you avoid sex with me.
I avoid sex with you?!
Since when?
Today. You shunned sex
on our wedding night.
You toid her that?!
- What's the probiem?
- Severai!
0ne: don't discuss our sexuai
iife with strangers!
And 2: my vagina is normai!
- It's reguiar.
- Reguiar is normai!
No, normai is normai. Reguiar
is in between normai and mini.
And since when is your cock
normai to super?!
- Is it not?
- No! it's normai, not super!
- I know it's not.
- You see many cocks?!
In iocker rooms.
i know what normai is.
And why is yours super?!
The width. Mine is thick.
Who toid you that?
You're jeaious your pussy
is reguiar!
0on't iet that freak near
our priceiess baiierina!
Here. Martha said they're the
same. it's just a saies pitch.
It's society's hypocrisy.
- Wiii that do?
- i don't know.
You wouidn't beiieve
the pressure of my fiow.
It ieaks sideways.
- Bad?
- Yeah, reai bad.
What if you wear 2 at once?
Never done that.
i'ii try it, then.
- I'ii stick 2 in there.
- Stick'em!
Now i'ii need that piii
more than ever. Piease?
- We're iooking for it.
- it'd be nice.
Piease?
Have you found it?
Yep. The iast one.
Where is it?
It's going down my esophagus.
I'd been forewarned.
0nce they marry, women
show who they reaiiy are.
I'm a monster. 0idn't you
know it?
I enter peopie's homes, menstruate
on their couches...
i badmouth other women's vaginas.
Her marriage is ruined.
Show some soiidarity.
- Here.
- what is that?
A dieting piii. Same thing.
Same thing?! That's
amphetamine. it's an upper.
Trust me, it's aii in her head.
Aii she needs is attention from
a guy and a coiored piii.
Won't she taik our heads off?
Course not. That's a myth.
I ioved your apartment! Gee!
It's so spacious, bright,
and airy, huh?
0ur piace is... weii...
it's haif...
the size of this one.
And when the sun...
comes in, ours gets
sweitering hot.
- I ioved this.
- 0on't touch!
It was Martha's
great-grandpa's. She ioves it.
It's quite deiicate.
Sorry. How much do you
pay in taxes here?
0ur rent is $800 reais...
and there's no cart
for our grocery bags.
Where's her fucking head?
Mariana? it's me. Pick up.
We need to taik. Pick up.
I'm in troubie.
what's your number?
It's 3-4-3-6-6-6-6.
3-4-3-6-6-6-6.
Shit! How do i do this?!
Fuck! why are these
keypads so compact?
- There's no "rediai" button?
- There is.
- Is there?
- Yes.
It's faded. it's this one here.
Thanks. i iove
rediai buttons.
It's the modern technoiogy...
improving our iives, and--
Heiio? Schh! Mariana?
It's Vani. Conciuding my
message, i'm at this number:
4-3-4...?
3-4-3 or 4-3-4?
3-4-3-6-6-6-6.
I won't ieave untii
i hear from you.
- You won't?!
- Reiax.
My sister got wasted tonight.
She won't take iong.
Take your time.
Guys, an anguish has
come over me.
From within.
My mouth's dry...
i'm gonna have apiripaque .
Stop it right there!
Piri what? "Piritáquio ?"
No, "piripaque ".
A fit, you know?
No, piripaque is more
iike a seizure.
- It's pronounced peripaque .
- No, piripaque , with an "i."
it's peripaque , from Tupi
Guarani.
- Huh?
- From Peri, the indian...
and paque , meaning "attack."
No! That's Engiish:
"pity pack."
Pity as "sorrow," pack as
"massive." Thus: pity pack.
It's as if massive pain
had come over you.
I've never heard such
nonsense.
I have: "peripaque "means
Peri's attack.
Peri's a fag who throws fits?
- He's an emotionai indian.
- A fag!
Anyway...
Vani, forgive me.
Come back home.
Iiove you so very,
very much. Sergio.
Guys...
i mean it. i'ii have
apiripaque !
I fucked up! i'm fucked.
That's fucked up!
Rui!
Check out Vani's
piripaque, Rui.
An orange! "Vani,
i iove you."
why wouid i beiieve your
iove's sincere, Sergio?!
Forget me, okay?!
Shit. My iove's not sincere?
What ajoke. i'm being
totaiiy honest.
Here's what i do to
our past, Sergio!
I'm tearing it up, and
throwing it away, ok?
How can it be over, Vani?
it's just begun.
A great iove, fuii of kisses
and promises... Shit.
That's the romantic stuff
i dream of.
0k, i'ii hit you
with a watermeion.
She wants the truth?
She'ii have it.
So cute, and romantic.
- The Cupid's arrow.
- it's phony.
A siide show! Great!
- That's him?
- Yep.
I won't faii for your cheap
trick! Forget it, honey.
Look. is that a barbecue?
It's a party at Nono and
Nené's, my cousins.
- Your cousins?
- The weii-hung one's in the back.
I want my stuff back...
and aii my photos.
You'ii get them. Here they are.
Is that your cousin, too?
That's... an ice cream that...
My iawyer wiii coiiect my
photos tomorrow, hear me?!
Expiain these butts now.
Whose butt is "AMA?"
it's mine. Looks great, huh?
No way! 0ur intimacies!
What's that?
That's... my dad--
i can't expiain that.
Stick that projector up
your ass, Sergio!
Fucked ya.
End of the show!
- What a iife!
- Yeah, quite coiorfui, eh?
Pardon my French.
i seidom swear, but...
that asshoie pisses me off.
That fucker wiii have to beg
me to come back, damn it!
For the iove of God!
Swearing is uncaiied-for.
Forgive me, father.
- She's foui-mouthed.
- Your mamma!
- See?
- "Mamma" is a curse word?
That's offensive.
- Your grandma, then.
- That's offensive, too.
- Your aunt, then.
- which one?
- Whichever.
- it couid be offensive, too.
Enough of circumiocution.
- I'm foui-mouthed?!
- He meant get to the point.
I feei siightiy better,
you know?
Where were we?
- Us?
- Yeah.
Can't remember.
You were discussing
my vagina.
Right. You said your penis is
too big for her vagina.
I did not. You did!
Whoa! i haven't seen
either one.
You said it must be unpieasant
when we do it.
- We?!
- Not us. we.
You said she avoided sex.
I avoid sex?! i'm very much
interest in sex!
He said that.
- I did not!
- Since when do i avoid sex?!
- I didn't say that.
- She said you did.
- I did not!
- i bet you did!
- Who wiii you beiieve?
- Guys!
Just-married and fighting
iike this?
Caim down. Put some music on.
What kind? Modern or oidies?
An upbeat fiashback. How's that?
How's that?! i'm the king
of fiashbacks.
- Comin' right up.
- i feei great.
Listen to yourseif!
- How about you?!
- what about me?
You toid your husband to stick
the projector up his ass!
- That's different.
- How?
Because...
i, want to know...
what you said, regarding my
interest, in sex.
I didn't, say, anything,
about that, comma.
I said, your tampon, was...
average, that is, smaiier
than normai. Stop.
That's why the penis is
a muscie, not a bone.
To fit in different receptacies.
You know what
your probiem is?
You beiieve what you read
in the packaging...
you beiieve men are faithfui.
We're discussing tampons,
not men.
You know what reguiations are?
Wouidn't it be iiiegai if
"reguiar" and "super..."
were identicai sizes?
I didn't say "identicai,"
but practicaiiy the same.
- They're not.
- They are.
They are not!
- Stop!
- Stay out of this.
I'm reaiiy giad i didn't
give you my rice.
Fine. And i'm giad...
i got my haif of
the church fiowers.
- You took'em?
- Yes, honey.
Same thing if you had a reguiar
or a super decoration.
- Let's--
- Shut up, Rui!
- Wanna bet?
- what?
That both sizes are aimost
identicai.
- How much?
- $50 doiiars.
0eai.
- What time is it?
- Two-ish.
Too iate for a drugstore
deiivery.
0on't you have a super
tampon at your piace?
I do, but i won't got there.
I'ii go get it.
- Second fioor, right?
- Yeah, #202.
0oes your husband know
where you put your tampons?
Course. Every man knows where
his wife puts her tampons.
She said "put," but meant "keep."
You meant where i keep'em?
In my suitcase.
There's this song Martha hates.
Shouid i put it?
I won't waste your time
i'iiiay it out fiatiy before idie
ineed a remedy reaistrong
i bet Sergio's spying on us.
Wiii you get it, piease?
But iget no one to answerme
Who cares?
- Thanks.
- Sure.
Look, there's a bug here,
a cockroach, right here.
He said there was a magic drug
which cured aiiand didn't hurt
Try yourseif.
Give it to me siow
Give it to me siow
so it won't hurt
Give it to me
nice and siow
Put it siowiy
inside my heart
Marthie!
Tiger! we've oniy
got 10 minutes.
You're crazy.
You're crazy!
0pen up my dress, Sergio.
There's so many
fucking buttons!
We've oniy got 5 minutes.
You're crazy!
0o you aiways come up to
the rooftop to have a smoke?
Martha has asthma attacks
from the smoke.
I can't sieep with her wheezing
next to me, so i smoke up here.
Incredibie. How can a smoker...
marry a giri who wheezes
with smoke?
That's what i'm teiiing you.
- What's that?
- Peopie shouid oniy marry...
the iids to their pots,
you know?
- Come again?
- Haven't you heard that?
- What?
- "He's the iid to my pot?"
- Right.
- So, that's what i think.
Right on.
And how does one know
if he's someone eise's iid?
Weii, when you find the iid
to your pot...
you get some sort of sign,
you know? There.
I did get a sign.
Her dad signed our home's
downpayment.
Jesus! You're so materiaiistic.
Not that kind of sign.
It's iike, when you kiss
for the first time...
you hear beiis, you know?
0id you hear beiis?
- When i first kissed Sergio?
- Yeah.
I heard fiushing. we were
in a Ciub's restroom.
He might be the iid
to your toiiet bowi.
I've iived with Martha
over a year.
We got married, cause
her dying grandpa...
wanted to see her
go down the aisie.
So you didn't hear
any beiis with her?
When i first kissed her?
I heard: "0on't touch
my boobs!"
- You...
- i just...
grabbed them.
I understand, cause Martha--
Gosh! She's got...
such a rack.
it's amazing.
I chose Martha as
my soui mate...
mostiy for her...
you know?
- Tits?
- No. integrity.
Martha's very ioyai.
Button me up. we won't
meet for a whiie.
Are you ieaving the Gym?
No, you are.
- Right. it's risky.
- No, i enjoy risks, but...
newiyweds shouidn't
have affairs.
That's my case.
Marrying on the same day is fine,
but why in the same church?
Coupies can oniy marry
in their iocai parishes.
I had to present my
eiectricity and gas biiis...
Biiis? To be married? insane!
Indeed, damn priests.
0ne thought i was Jewish.
Had to show him if my dick
was circumcised.
- And is it?
- 0amn, Martha!
Found it.
Teii her i'm dying
with guiit, i swore...
i'd change, and you saw
i meant it.
I'ii say you were tear-eyed.
No, i've never cried
in front of her...
iet aione in front of
a stranger, see?
Wiii you bring me a gift
from Montevideo?
0kay. Teii her i iove her
way, way more than iife.
"Way, way more," okay.
You're crazy. And gorgeous!
- He'ii kiii himseif.
- what?!
Yep. He's threatening
to kiii himseif!
Sergio?
He's crying iike a baby.
if you...
don't take him back,
he'ii swaiiow 00T!
0id he say that?
Yes. And that if you didn't
come back in 15 minutes...
i shouid teii you that...
he ioves you "way, way more
than iife."
15 minutes, he said.
A bet is a bet.
- A tiny difference.
- Tiny, my ass. it's huge.
Are you crazy? Rui!
It's neither tiny nor huge.
I can't teii from here.
we need an "anatomic" angie.
0id you save your wedding
cake figurines?
I did.
Now we're taiking.
Look.
Reguiar, right?
And now, super.
Reguiar.
Super... Reguiar... Super...
Teii me there's no difference.
0f course, there is.
I refuse to discuss
that with you.
I got more important things to
do than discussing my uterus.
And so do you, by the way.
I'ii see you. we're neighbors.
Yeah. i'ii see you around.
What if your cousin caiis?
Cousin? No, my sister.
If she caiis, what do i say?
Teii her i went over Sergio's
to settie this.
I won't sieep over her piace.
There, honey.
$50 doiiars and your "Super
Pussy of the Street" trophy.
She's jeaious.
Indeed. Hey, that's my trophy:
indoor Soccer Champion!
- So, what's he iike?
- who?
Who, Martha? The guy.
Worse that she is.
A cheap womanizer.
She seemed even-keeied.
Reasonabie, given her situation.
Freud wouid expiain this.
She ieft those behind?
I said you were in tears,
threatening to take 00T.
I said you were in tears,
threatening to take 00T!
- Who is this?
- Me, you dumb-ass!
0umb-ass?
You ieft these behind.
0h, yeah. Throw them to me.
Come on.
Man... i'ii give you a hand.
Carefui, huh? wait.
- What?
- wait.
- I can't breath.
- i'm siipping.
Got them?
- This way.
- wait!
- Weii?
- i'ii sweep my ieg across.
I'ii get them now.
You okay?
I can't reach.
Let me just...
Let me kneei down here.
Kneei where? wait.
- Hey, my dress!
- Sorry!
You said i'd poison myseif
and she stayed on?
Yep, because of that
tampon bet i toid you about.
- And who won?
- what?
That's it. Scream,
if you need anything.
I just might.
No, if you need a ride, advice,
or a punch in his face.
That i wiii need.
- Hey?
- 0id you taik to me?
Weii, congratuiations.
You refusai to say who
won is taking more time...
than saying it straightaway.
She won, okay?!
Happy now, man?
Who's this?
- Who is it?
- My mom.
She's shocked
at aii this mess.
- You said "man."
- 0id i?
Yeah, "happy now, man?"
Mom, did i said "happy, man"
or "happy, mom?"
"Mom?" "Happy, mom?!"
Sorry.
For what, Martha?
i'm iost.
I did say, "happy, man?"
My mistake.
Mom, i gotta go now, and
consummate my marriage.
Bye, mom.
What's this "mom" shit?
- What?
- Nothing. it's fine.
And remember:
consummate it with your ieft hand.
Sergio?!
I'm here.
I'd poison myseif with 00T,
if you didn't come back.
I'd poison myseif with 00T,
if you didn't come back.
- You wouid not.
- Yes, i wouid.
Wouid not.
- Why not?
- Because.
- 0f course, i wouid.
- wouid not.
Yes, i wouid.
Wouid not. wouid not.
- 0kay, i wouidn't.
- i knew it.
Cause i knew you'd come back.
- I wouid not.
- Yes, you wouid.
Wouid not. why wouid i?
Because i iove you.
- You do not, Sergio.
- i do, Vani.
- You do not.
- i do.
- 0o ya?
- Look at me.
Have you ever seen me
this tear-eyed?
Now you'ii know the pieasures
of sex, my damsei.
No, your damsei's
got her period.
No probiem. There are
other possibiiities.
- What was that?
- what?
- That noise.
- what noise?
That one.
What is it?
- What is that, Martha?
- weii?
Was my show reguiar or super?
- It was super.
- 0idn't hear ya.
Super!
Come here, then. Come on.
0pen up these buttons.
i have a surprise for you.
- What surprise?
- 0pen them, and i'ii teii you.
- What?
- i've saved...
part of my virginity for
our wedding night.
I'm serious.
There's one thing i've never
done and i want do it tonight.
- What is it?
- weii, Rui, it.
- What is it?
- it, Rui.
We've aiready done "it."
No, i mean something
much better.
In that case...
it can oniy be "it."
- How odd. wait.
- what?
0idn't i button you up iast?
- In the car?
- Sure.
Weii, someone's missed
3 buttonhoies.
Am i missing a button?
No, someone's buttoned you up,
but missed 3 buttonhoies.
I-i had to use the b-bathroom
at that m-maniac's...
husband's piace.
- His bathroom?
- i had to p-p-pee. why?
The guy in tears threatening
to kiii himseif, and you peed?
Yeah, s-s-so what, Rui?
0id you have to undress
your top to pee?
N-no. i-i washed my face,
so i-i iowered it...
to... to avoid g-getting it wet.
-Why are you stammering?
- i'm not.
Am not! why?
See the ievei of your
gaiioping paranoia, Vani?!
I don't even know what
i'm being accused of.
This rice, Sergio. How did it
end up on your bed?
How wouid i know?
- You brought that giri in here!
- No.
Was she in the iiving room
the whoie time?
And she went into the kitchen
to get your tampon.
So, these rice grains came
jumping aii the way here.
Actuaiiy, they're not rice.
They're Mexican aibino
jumping beans...
- right, Sergio?!
- why are you asking me?
You know damn weii dona Rosa
is responsibie for the cieaning.
You're gonna biame her now.
A kardecist widow, mother of 5...
sexiess since '63?
So she drank champagne
in our giass...
wearing pink iipstick, then
picked rice on our bed?
Peopie do crazy stuff.
Like you. 0idn't you fight
for that Pussy Trophy...
whiie i was kiiiing myseif
with 00T?
I didn't not fight for any--
How did you know that?
I hadn't toid you.
Have you been taiking
to that woman?
Where are you going?
- Guess.
- No idea.
I'ii verify your story
at that guy's.
"My story?"
Are you crazy?
This is between you and me,
between the two of us.
The 4 of us. Look what i found.
- I can't see it.
- Rice.
A iittie rice, no biggie.
- So what?
- Exactiy what i said.
I found it on our bed. it
must've come from her!
- From me?
- Yes! You bitch!
I know they did it
whiie she was here.
Look for her pink iipstick.
You're insane!
No, you are! Bitch !
- 0on't caii me that!
- Let go of her, asshoie!
I'm trying to heip!
She's my wife!
His mini-dick must
fit her reguiar pussy.
You're 100o% crazy!
I'm going over there.
i don't want make a scene.
Where's my giass?
I don't know what you're
taiking about.
Where is it? 0h, you'ii
have a iittie juice?
That's been sitting there
for over a year.
- Tastes great.
- i doubt it.
You're trying to fooi me.
where's my giass?
I'm your husband now.
i couid have you committed.
For ajerk, you're
a terribie iiar.
- Where's my giass?
- i have no idea.
In the fridge.
Rui, if you ruin my
iipsticks, i'ii kiii you!
That won't come out.
We'ii need a new paint job.
I feei iike retaiiating
your act of vandaiism.
What can i do?
What if i smash that cheap
dinnerware set...
we got from your parents?
Yeah! i'ii break that cheap
dinnerware set...
we got from your parents.
Easy, Vani. if you
fiip your iid...
you'ii cease being right...
which you are. Gotta be
outraged, yet sensibie.
0h, great!
Where's that fucking
iipstick?!
You broke my great-grandma's
baiierina!
I did not!
Look!
This is unbeiievabie.
My assets suffered a biow,
and you rant over iipstick?
And oniy i wear it?!
Next, you'ii say Patrick Lemar's
made it exciusiveiy for me.
Liar! He aiready knew i'd won
the Super Pussy Trophy.
Was he the man on the phone?
- 0id she caii anyone?
- Not anyone. My mom.
0on't faii for this nonsense.
- She's out of her mind!
- where's the phone?
My mom went to bed
right after we hung up.
Is her number 3-- ?
She wears earpiugs.
My dad snores.
- What's her number?
- 2-7--
0on't! You'ii cancei the iast
number! Press "rediai."
0o it and we're through.
- Press "rediai."
- wiii you trust this woman...
you've just met over me?
Press it. Press it.
What-the-feck!
Pardon me?
What was that, Rui ?
- I got mixed up.
- Poor him.
I meant to say "piripaque."
Say "piripaque," "piripaque,"
reai fast, it sounds iike...
"what-the-feck", see?
I stiii don't get it.
How did "piripaque" turn
into "what-the-feck?"
i had an adrenaiine rush...
cause severai peopie's fates
depended on that rediaiing.
The brain sends the tongue
an impuise it can't controi.
0nce, i ieft a party
reaiiy wasted, and i...
got puiied over
by the poiice.
Instead of saying,
"Good evening, officer..."
i said, "Can i go
if i fiash at you?"
- Anyway...
- Yeah, anyway...
Heiio? Good evening.
Who's this? i see.
This is the phone company.
we're running some tests.
Wouid you piease stick
your phone up your ass?
- Was it her mother?
- Unbeiievabie!
A prankster caiier at such
an ungodiy hour.
Peopie have no respect,
reaiiy.
What's next?
Shit! won't that animai
break them apart?
Weii? want me to stick
that phone up your ass?
Enough! Say no more!
- He didn't do it.
- i didn't.
- I'd never do that!
- i wouid...
- but i heard screaming.
- Screaming?
A cat fight. Lotsa screaming,
but no one gets hurt.
Stop it! Your story's
so sinfui...
i can oniy hear you
in the confessionai.
We're not here to confess.
We haven't sinned. They have.
We're the victims in aii this.
I'm boarding a iiner in 1 hour.
No time to confess.
I'm staying right here.
You want to taik to me? You'ii
have to confess, individuaiiy.
I refuse to confess.
And i'm ciaustrophobic.
I'm not moving. You decide.
If we must confess,
we shouid sin first.
And confess iater.
A reaiiy hairy sin to
have your fuii attention.
Excuse us whiie we
have a quickie here.
The first one to be done
wiii confess to you, ok?
Time's running out to prevent
a sinfui act in your church.
God!
Let iust begin!
I'm gonna French kiss him.
French kissing in the vestry?
wait tiii the Vatican hears it.
Heads wiii roii!
- 0id you hear that?
- i did.
Aii aboard!
0eparture's at 10 o'ciock!
Aii aboard!
0eparture's in 25 minutes!
I won't forfeit my oniy
transatiantic cruise...
by staying here!
We both heard beiis. what
more do you want?!
0o you want to date me?
Caii me to catch a movie?
Maybe. why not?
Because i'ii never ever
date again.
- Liar.
- 0h yeah?
I'ii have sex, get married,
have chiidren, but i won't date.
I couid get a divorce, but
i'm too oid to date.
Wait. Come here.
Put me down! i'ii honeymoon
wherever i want!
Look, i did that, cause i've
got something for you.
Reaiiy? i want nothing from you.
It's a piece of jeweiry.
A heirioom i saved for
that speciai woman.
- Jeweiry?
- i thought...
Martha never reaiiy
deserved it.
What kind? A diamond?
It's soiid goid. i wanted you
to have it...
to remember me on your trip.
I'ii wait here. But hurry back...
or i'ii just go ahead,
and board.
Life is so crazy
So short
Since ican't take you
with me
i want you to take me
with you
0ut of the way!
Come on!
See, Martha? i knew
he'd come back.
I'd iove to strangie you.
- Coming! who is it?
- Severino, the doorman.
Stop! You're trespassing.
i couid caii the poiice!
Easy, i'm caim.
i was angry back then.
- Where's Vani?
- Let's act as civiiized men.
- Much better.
- what's your name?
My name? Sérgio Fonteneie.
Rui, Martha's husband.
The giri you've been banging.
0uch! wait! My bursitis!
- Too bad. what's your team?
- Fiamengo.
Favorite cartoon characters?
- The Fiintstones.
- 0kay. So...
you'ii sing Botafogo's anthem
in the Fiintstones' voice.
- Hey, Fred.
- No, sing, sing.
Botafogo, Botafogo,
1910's Champion.
My piece of jeweiry?
- You stayed?
- No, i'm gone. See me there?
Where's my soiid goid ring?
Wait.
- I won't take cheap stuff.
- Fine.
- My ring!
- Your right hand.
- What?
- Right hand.
"Rui, 9/17/96."
That's yesterday...
but untii we go to bed
it's stiii yesterday.
Your turn.
- Put my ring.
- what?
Gotta read it first.
"Vaniice, 9/17/96."
"Vaniice?"
Vani is my nickname.
Nobody's perfect.
- Now what?
- we're engaged.
You said "no dating."
So we're engaged.
And what's with that
wedding band, you dog?
When we met that day
it wasjust as iexpected
You didn't recognize me
butpretended it was okay
iknow you must have kept
a bit of me inside you
Like a siient movie
before words were invented
i've tuned up my ears
to hearyourcaiis
Now that you're aii dizzy...
those cards wiii roii up,
with info on the characters.
This fisherman invested in
smuggiing the $50 doiiars...
Vani paid for this "cruise",
and got rich.
Rui & Vani are stiii happiiy engaged.
(At ieast, iast we checked.)
Their iove bore a totaiiy
normai 71-segment TV series.
Martha & Sergio had sex a few
more times, than got bored.
Sergio got a sheriff's
daughter pregnant...
and finaiiy got married.
And Martha is here,
in the iast row...
feeiing the ex-fisherman's
crotch.
Engiish Transiation:
Monika Pecegueiro do Amarai
BASE0 0N TV GL0B0 SERiES,
"0S N0RMAiS".
- What?
- Ships are mind-boggling...
- aren't they?
- Sure.
Why is that?
- What?
- why are they mind-boggling?
They don't sink.
Were they supposed to?
Sure. So heavy and
so huge, filled...
with heavy stuff. They
should... sink right down.
"S0 N0RMAL - THE M0VIE"
--and enjoy our
convenience stores.
We wish you ail
a great trip.
Make way for the newlyweds!
Newlyweds passing through.
Excuse us, please.
Is there a priority check-in
for honeymooners?
Yes, there is.
Well, then...
l'm not good at farewells.
Me neither.
See you around, then.
- Enjoy your honeymoon.
- Thanks. Take care.
Are you going on your
honeymoon by yourself?
I hope not, if I find
a well-hung sailor aboard.
Rui!
I just heard we won't leave
for 2 more hours.
- So?
- in my state, I can wait...
2 hours by myself.
What do you want me to do?
Would you keep me company?
For 2 hours? Doing what?
Have you thought we might
never see each other again?
You said you'd call me.
But who said I keep
my promises?
- You don't?
- No, I do, but...
we might hit an Antarctic
iceberg near Punta Dei Este.
Icebergs don't get there.
- They do.
- No, they don't.
- Do to!
- Do not!
Groom passing through!
Make way for the newlyweds!
Are there any icebergs coming
from the Antarctic?
No, there are not.
I must be the lousiest
company on earth.
He won't keep me company
for a minute!
1 minute is ok.
Even 15 minutes is fine.
But 120 minutes need
to be filled up somehow.
So wouid you stay with me,
if we fill up those 2 hours?
Yes, I wouid.
Excuse us, please.
I know what we could do
to fill up our time...
and, at the same time,
ease our tension.
Both? I like it already.
But you mustn't believe
your soul will go to hell...
and God will punish you.
0o you believe that?
Excuse us.
Coming through!
- How do you do?
- Fine, thank God!
All's fine for the faithful.
May I ask what you
are looking for?
Us?
For you, father.
Exactly. For You, our Father!
Not that Father. This one.
Right. For you, father.
- And we found you.
- Halleluia!
- You married us, remember?
- Yesterday?
I do.
But serious events last night...
made us realize we've made
a big mistake.
And since a wedding annulment
is expensive--
wouid you please come out?
Hidden like that,
it looks like...
- You're in...
- The outhouse.
Yeah, in the... privy.
- That's better.
- Much better.
Where were we?
We'd like to know if...
when you purchase
an appliance...
there's a 24-hour
return period.
- It's been less than 12 hours.
- Exactly.
- So, I though--
- Say no more.
You think I can annul
your vows? No way!
- No!
- "Annul" is a strong word.
Way too strong.
We thought you could just
rip our wedding papers up.
- Rip them up?!
- 0r burn them.
Please?
Are you two crazy?
- We're not...
- At all.
Listen, father...
we had a tense night.
- Indeed.
- Reiax, my children.
I've officiated at weddings
for 20 years. Next-day...
jitters are quite normal.
But anyone can see you
were made for each other.
We what?
No, not us. we weren't...
we met yesterday.
Pardon?
We met yesterday.
GiANT MiNi FLASHBACK
Not in there! Give me the money.
This is for the... huh...
- I'll win the bet.
- will not.
- Will not!
- I will!
You don't know
who I bet on.
Who's the groom?
- I am.
- You?
Congratuiations.
I wish you all the best.
I'm the 6 PM bride.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
All the best.
We meant to vacate the church--
- You haven't?
- The nave's free...
but we're still at
the receiving line.
You were to vacate it
25 minutes ago.
There's a problem.
Nobody brought rice.
Everyone expected someone else
to bring it, so there's no rice.
I wish mine had no rice.
Don't say that. without rice,
your wedding is jinxed.
- 0h yeah?
- Really jinxed.
- Just a sec.
- Thanks.
Has anyone brought rice?
Rice? it's right here.
What is that?
100 lbs. Martha wanted to
make sure we had enough.
Martha's famiiy always
exaggerates.
Great. Martha's your fiancée?
Girlfriend.
We skipped the
engagement part.
Me, too! From Sergio's
girlfriend to his bride.
- Engagements are dated.
- Yeah.
A thing from the past.
So...
can I have a handful?
Angela, give the lady
here 200 oz.
No can do, Rui.
I'm Martha's bridesmaid,
and the Bag Keeper.
- "Bag Keeper"?
- The rice bag.
The priest might mistake it
for charity.
That's so exciting, daddy.
You liked it, sweetie? I had
it selected just for you.
So cute, daddy.
And I know how hard
switching the ring tone is.
If not today, when would I
ever use that?
You're not gonna answer?
Let it ring a bit longer.
Answer it. it might be important.
Hello? Rui, let me guess:
the wedding's off.
No problem. we'll save on
your apartment mortgage.
Give it to me, come on.
Hi, Rui. we're stuck
in gridlock.
Well, brides are supposed
to be late anyway.
There's no hurry.
The 6 PM bride's here with me.
She is? How come?
What happened?
She needs some rice.
Just 48 oz.
I'll pay it back.
Angela won't let anyone
near our rice.
Rightly so. She's
the Bag Keeper.
Talk to her and
green-light it yourself.
All right.
- It's important.
- Cool.
0kay.
She said no.
- No way!
- why, Martha?
Too bad they forgot
their rice.
I won't ruin my wedding
for their stupidity.
Martha, there's 100 lbs. here.
Enough to bury us.
Look, Rui. There are
500 guests.
100 lbs. divided by 500 guests
equals 100 oz...
barely a handful.
What did she say?
100 lbs. divided
by 500 guests...
equais 100 oz per guest.
Just a handful.
But not everyone
throws rice.
Heard that? Not everyone
throws rice.
"Says who? in case they all
do, there won't be enough."
Someone might wanna
throw 2 handfuls.
I'm not asking for a bag.
Just a handful.
She wants only a handful.
Will you stop aggravating
me right now?!
My answer is no!
0kay, but that's absurd.
You're being selfish...
but I won't argue with you
in the vestry.
I forgive her, cause
she's nervous.
She is nervous?
And what am I?!
I will have no rice thrown.
You could throw flower
petals. That's in.
Bitch! Fuck! Miser!
Sit down, guys.
I was the 6 PM bride.
But I paid for half
of these flowers...
and I'll have to take my half
now by force majeure .
Rice is out.
Petals are in, okay?
Throw the flowers I gave you.
Come on!
Wait! Not the stems!
It's aimost 7:30 PM.
Honk!
Louder! They're ruining
my entrance.
Who is that?
- Crying over there?
- Beats me.
- Been at it forever.
- why?
I don't know.
Are you all right?
Why are you crying?
Keep it down.
was it a guy?
Stop, Vani. Don't!
Don't tease them.
Come on, baby, get into
the swing of it.
What's the use of renting a
carriage, if you act normal?
Going to make babies, huh?!
Go deep, big daddy!
- You're on fire, baby!
- The groom's a cuckold!
0h, great! This is so
embarrassing!
Stop it. They're
jealous of us.
Whore! whore! whore!
Can't we go any faster?
Let's gallop!
This is part of the
carriage's romanticism.
Those bastards up front
won't move!
- Penguin!
- Fuck you!
Don't! Don't do that!
They're irate. Soon,
they throw eggs at us.
Please. who'd throw
eggs at a bride?
Shit!
We're have come here today
in the sight of our Lord...
to join in holy matrimony
Martha and Rui.
But, first, I'd like
to share with you...
a few thoughts on
another matrimony...
held in Canaan,
2,000 years ago.
Rentals are disgusting. So many
balls must've sweated in here.
Stop. People are staring
at our butts, Rui.
Who? They are not.
Grooms get sweaty balls.
it's a warm spot.
This suit must be impregnated
with men...
and it itches.
It itches badly.
Look at the crowd, honey.
They are sending guests away.
And I fretted over
the attendance.
Told'ya I don't believe
in bad luck.
- Son, son!
- Mom!
Guess what happened?
The local druglords...
shut down all businesses
in the district.
- What?!
- No shit, mom?
The reception hall is closed.
The bouncers said today's
reception is cancelled.
- I'll talk to--
- weddings are not businesses!
Weddings are sacred!
Get me this druglord
right now!
Wait here, son.
Women know how to
deal with these problems.
She's sensible.
She'll charm him
with her sweetness.
She'll straighten this out.
Shut up, mom.
I've got a migraine.
Vani can handle it, son.
Let her take care of it.
We're screwed! Screwed, mom!
- I...
- I...
Martha Figueira...
Martha Figueira, promise...
to be faithful to you...
- to love...
- to love...
- and respect you...
- and respect you...
for better or for worse...
for better or for worse...
as long as we both
shall live.
As long as we both
shall live.
May God bless you,
and bless...
your love and commitment.
You may kiss the bride.
L0VEM0BILE
10 years from now, in a routine
physical, the doctor...
will find rice stuck
to my balls.
Spare me your
scatology today.
I've got rice everywhere.
0pen it.
I need lessons on
unbuttoning all these.
Call me when you throw
the bouquet, okay?
It's the best part.
- Not today.
- why not?
I promised my mom I'd
throw it to her cousin.
- Who?
- A miserable woman...
abused as a kid by her drunk
father, and her 3 boyfriends...
all drunks, who beat her up.
A tragedy.
Didn't you see a skinny girl
crying in the front row?
Thanks, guys! My pleasure
collaborating with you.
Too bad you cleaned me good.
I hope to collaborate further
in the future.
Motherfuckers! Thieves!
Police!
MATTRESS-DRILL
There was rice left.
I had an idea.
What idea?
Now what? Do I
leave you here?
No, take me to our bed, Sergio.
Do we just go ahead
and do it?
0n their wedding night, most
people are anxious to do it.
Right. And are you?
Anxious to have sex?
No, but something has to go
right for us tonight.
I'll take a shower first.
I'm all gooey with egg--
I'll take one, too, then.
You'l smell good,
whereas I'm all stinky.
- Are you?
- No...
only in certain spots.
My dress train is long, hot.
But I'll go first.
Wait! Take me to the kitchen.
I wanna pop our champagne.
- Wanna "pop" in the kitchen?
- Yeah.
Watch out, Sergio.
Look, there's leftover lasagna.
Heat it up in the microwave.
I'm starving.
Give your body pleasure, Macarena
Cause your body's for good things
Give your body pleasure, Macarena
Ehhh, Macarena!
Bouquet pots are a fun,
traditional wedding game.
The groom and his best men
bet on who will grab it.
Whoever wins, donates
the pot money to charity.
- That's nice.
- Yeah, and I bet on you.
I support charity organizations
for the poor, so...
I really have to win.
I'll try. it's in
my own interest.
Here's an insider's tip
for you, ok?
Remember that girl
crying in the church?
Martha will throw it at her
out of pity.
- No way?
- Here's the deal:
try and position yourself--
Girls, I'm gonna throw
the bouquet!
Ready?
0ne...
Two...
I wanna see you,
and hold your body
Sleep with you
Day and night
Every day of our love
I wanna love you forever--
whose lipstick is this?
What lipstick? I bet
it's yours, Vani.
It's not. I've checked.
I was taking all my lipsticks
to our honeymoon.
"Was?" You won't anymore?
You got me all right.
No, I didn't. Are you accusing
me of something?
Not yet. First...
I want to know
whose lipstick this is.
Gosh, it could've been
there for ages.
It would've dried out, then.
But it's wet.
Someone drank from it today,
or no earlier than last night.
If not you, then who?
Perhaps the cleaning lady.
Dona Rosa?
A kardecist widow, mother of 5,
sexless since 1963?
Drinking champagne
with bright pink lipstick?!
It's the only other woman
who comes in here.
She might be a major drunk,
and we don't know it.
I've noticed there's...
a bottle of French
champagne missing.
Go ahead and look. There's
oniy 5 in there, right ?
- 1...
- what the hell?!
- 2...
- Stop it!
- 3...
- That's French, Vani!
- 4...
- what the heck?
5. Right. 0ne's missing.
I get it.
You two must have drunk it before
you stuck it up her ass!
Whose ass? Vani,
are you crazy?
That's what I want to know,
Sergio. whose ass?
And don't call me crazy!
Don't! That's an expensive TV.
The whole office chipped in
to buy us that.
I think a whore from your
office screwed you here!
That's absurd, Vani.
You're delirious.
Crazy peopie are delirious,
and I'm not crazy!
Goddammit, Vani!
what the fuck!
I'm glad it's nothing serious.
A minor problem
shouldn't ruin our party.
DJ?! Put some music on!
Let's party, let's dance.
0ur next question's worth
this mini-system...
or your mom's tacky
soup tureen.
What was her name?
Who cares? Sheila, Shana,
Sharon, whatever.
What was she like?
Look, the guys from work
insisted on a bachelor's party.
Don't, Vani!
Wrong answer!
what was she like?
A fake blond call girl,
with a black patch...
a Southern accent. That's it.
Where did you do it?
Goddammit, Vani.
I told you. Right here.
There you have it.
Wrong answer! 5 seconds
for the correct one.
5... 4... 3... 2...
0n the couch. There.
I said it.
0n the couch.
- Not on our bed?
- 0f course not!
The truth! I'm an expert in
detecting bitches' traces!
0k, it was on our bed...
but I sat in the corner.
It was just a quickie.
0n our bed, Sergio?
The bed we were
meant to share?
The cradle of our future family?
I've apoiogized a million times!
it was a stupid thing.
- 1 or 2 stupid things?
- For God's sake!
1 or 2 stupid things?!
I don't get it.
what do you mean?
0kay, 2 stupid things.
But the 2nd one was lame,
sort of haft-assed.
And what did you do with
that whore in between?
I refuse to answer that.
Don't! Vani!
Vani! what the fuck!!!
You throw rice and
I'll kick your asses.
Fight!
Do you know how much
your fit cost us?
Can't answer. I have
an appointment now:
I'll go down and screw
the first guy I see.
What's so funny?
I'm serious.
I'm gonna screw
the first guy I see.
And you're fixing your
makeup for him?
Exactiy. Anyone with a dick,
I'll screw.
Even Stinky, that bum
in the corner?
Best aims he's ever
been given.
Come on! who are
you trying to fool?
I'm fine. Never been better.
I'm fine. Never been better.
I'm fine. Never been better.
Look up here, Vani.
Would you please
look up here?
There: the 1st guy you saw.
You'll have to do me.
Sergio, my love...
screw you!
- I'm beat.
- Are you?
I'm gonna go to bed
and sleep like a log.
What? Are you crazy?
0n our wedding night?
Let's consummate it.
- Consummate?
- Means "screwing" in Catholic.
- I don't beiieve it.
- what?
You've become an oid man
a bit too soon, haven't you?
You won't fuck me
on our wedding night?
Honey, my back and feet hurt...
the poor skinny giri
aimost died...
A minor head trauma, no big deai.
It was. we'ii have the rest
our iives to do it.
No, not the rest of our iives.
That's the 2nd tradition
you break.
0ur marriage is doubie-jinxed.
- You don't beiieve in jinx?
- i don't beiieve in "tradition."
weii, i do. i'm a
traditionai guy. So...
i'ii consummate our wedding
by myseif, ok?
My ieft hand, with the wedding
band, represents you.
So iong i don't get drips...
i can't promise that.
with your majorjinx...
who knows?
Vani, iook here, piease.
0on't do this to me.
Look. i wanna show
you something.
You got maii! Look!
An e-maii!
I L0VE Y0U
Throw it to me.
Server probiems.
Now, the iipstick.
- Gosh!
- You said your ieft hand.
I've got rice stuck in
a piace i can't reach.
0on't ask for my heip.
When we puii over,
i'ii take off my pants.
0ad? i can't taik.
My battery is aimost dead.
Yes, dad?
Sergio, you got maii.
I'LL SCREw THE FiRST
GUY i SEE
i got an itch from
my pants, you know?
I'LL SCREw THE FiRST
GUY i SEE
Let me see it.
It's upside down.
Gotta go, dad. Bye.
Fiip it.
You must be Martha, right?
- Who's this?
- The bride before you.
You ruined my wedding,
you know?
By refusing to give me
a handfui of rice...
everything's gone wrong
in my iife.
- It jinxed you?
- Jinxed?!
- You cursed my marriage.
- That rice thing.
Your honking made my
carriage horses panic...
then peopie threw eggs at us,
making our horses fart.
There was no reception. The
drugiords caiied a curfew.
And, to top it off,
when i got here--
where is-- ? Gone?
- Your piace?!
- No, the asshoie i married.
Sergiooo!
Vani is fucking crazy!
She is crazy.
Vani's making me crazy!
Sergio Rodrigues de Mattos!
He aiways makes it iook
iike i'm crazy.
You coward! Get out
of my sight, hear me?!
Now i'm fucked.
i'm fucked!
I'm totaiiy fucked.
He won't show up. He's
paranoid i'ii make a scene.
Look what he wrote.
- In the back, too?
- what?
- There's more.
- i wrote that.
- It's upside down.
- Sorry. we had a fight.
He threw a bacheior's party...
here the night before
our wedding.
I went crazy. So i came down
here to--
Screw the 1st guy you saw.
Not reaiiy.
i just wanted to...
- Piss him off.
- Yeah. Then you showed up.
Sergio! Come out, or i'ii
make a scene! where is he?!
Let's go, Rui.
Listen, do you need any heip?
Are you okay?
Shaii we, Rui?
- You guys iive across from us?
- Yeah.
Can i go up to caii my sister...
and see if i can sieep over
her piace?
Sure. Come on up.
It's our wedding night, remember?
- Weren't you going to sieep?
- i don't mean to intrude.
What?
We were ieaving
on a cruise tonight.
Now i don't know
what to do.
Reiax. The worst is over.
You don't get it. we'd
booked a cruise...
to Montevideo.
A iiner, you know?
First ciass, expensive stuff.
Wait, hoid it, Martha.
Sorry. i didn't mean to ruin
your honeymoon.
You didn't. Hurry, Martha.
- He shouidn't have--
- it's okay.
He shouidn't have...
How couid he?
- Rui!
- Yes?
- Me, too.
- You, too, what?
You have to carry me
inside, too!
0h, right.
Crazy. This is so crazy!
I'm sorry.
I had aii these feeiings
bottied up and...
then, suddeniy... they...
- Caim down.
- i'm caim.
It's just that now...
i'm not so sure i...
i'm iost. Get her a tranquiiizer.
- What?
- Go get one of your piiis.
Me? i just got here.
Is that asking too much?
She's not a bad person.
She's taken to her mother.
It's gonna be fine.
I don't know how to thank you
for being so nice to me.
Thank you so much.
Shit! i got my period.
- Got what?
- My period.
- I can't get my dress dirty.
- How did you know?
Women can feei it.
- Where's the bathroom?
- There.
Ask you wife for a thing.
- Like what?
- A tampon. i need a "super."
Super, eh?
There's mini, reguiar and super.
Ask for a super.
Super? Fuck!
Is your pussy mini, reguiar,
or super?
- Tampons. She got her period.
- 0n the couch?
I didn't see any stains.
- She's so inconvenient.
- Let me see.
Reguiar? She needs super.
Nonsense. They're ai the same.
Watch that stranger and our
$25,000 doiiar scuipture.
0oes she stiii need that piii?
i can't find it.
She's got her period.
She needs it even more.
Hi. Thanks.
- That piii's coming right up.
- Reguiar? i said super.
Martha said it makes
no difference.
0h reaiiy? Suppose you go
buy condoms.
Wouid you buy just any size?
- Course not. why?
- A "mini" one wouid be too tight.
Exactiy. it's gotta be the right
size. what's yours?
- What?
- Size.
- Size?
- Your condom size.
- Mine?
- Yeah.
Is there one in between
normai and super?
Normai to super, huh?
Congratuiations, eh?
Get me a super, okay? Thanks.
Hey, iisten.
You just got married, and
i don't mean to jinx it...
but i think you're gonna have
maritai probiems.
We are?
She being a size mini, and
you, a reguiar to super...
intercourse must be siightiy
uncomfortabie for her.
- You think so?
- And, in married iife...
"siightiy uncomfortabie"
becomes unbearabie.
She'ii end up avoiding sex
with you aitogether. watch out.
Is she aiready avoiding you?
It's our wedding night.
i said: "Let's do it."
- 0uite naturai, right?
- Right.
- She didn't feei iike it today.
- Toid'ya.
She said her back hurts.
Typicai excuse.
It's not her fauit.
It's our hypocriticai society's.
Now, you iost me.
In our society, women don't
teii their men:
"Honey, my vagina is too mini
for you penis' size."
Speciaiiy a huge one
iike yours.
Get me a super, okay?
Is having intercourse with me
uncomfortabie for you?
She said it is, but you don't
have the guts to teii me.
Give me a break!
Since your vagina is reguiar, and
my cock is reguiar to super...
you avoid sex with me.
I avoid sex with you?!
Since when?
Today. You shunned sex
on our wedding night.
You toid her that?!
- What's the probiem?
- Severai!
0ne: don't discuss our sexuai
iife with strangers!
And 2: my vagina is normai!
- It's reguiar.
- Reguiar is normai!
No, normai is normai. Reguiar
is in between normai and mini.
And since when is your cock
normai to super?!
- Is it not?
- No! it's normai, not super!
- I know it's not.
- You see many cocks?!
In iocker rooms.
i know what normai is.
And why is yours super?!
The width. Mine is thick.
Who toid you that?
You're jeaious your pussy
is reguiar!
0on't iet that freak near
our priceiess baiierina!
Here. Martha said they're the
same. it's just a saies pitch.
It's society's hypocrisy.
- Wiii that do?
- i don't know.
You wouidn't beiieve
the pressure of my fiow.
It ieaks sideways.
- Bad?
- Yeah, reai bad.
What if you wear 2 at once?
Never done that.
i'ii try it, then.
- I'ii stick 2 in there.
- Stick'em!
Now i'ii need that piii
more than ever. Piease?
- We're iooking for it.
- it'd be nice.
Piease?
Have you found it?
Yep. The iast one.
Where is it?
It's going down my esophagus.
I'd been forewarned.
0nce they marry, women
show who they reaiiy are.
I'm a monster. 0idn't you
know it?
I enter peopie's homes, menstruate
on their couches...
i badmouth other women's vaginas.
Her marriage is ruined.
Show some soiidarity.
- Here.
- what is that?
A dieting piii. Same thing.
Same thing?! That's
amphetamine. it's an upper.
Trust me, it's aii in her head.
Aii she needs is attention from
a guy and a coiored piii.
Won't she taik our heads off?
Course not. That's a myth.
I ioved your apartment! Gee!
It's so spacious, bright,
and airy, huh?
0ur piace is... weii...
it's haif...
the size of this one.
And when the sun...
comes in, ours gets
sweitering hot.
- I ioved this.
- 0on't touch!
It was Martha's
great-grandpa's. She ioves it.
It's quite deiicate.
Sorry. How much do you
pay in taxes here?
0ur rent is $800 reais...
and there's no cart
for our grocery bags.
Where's her fucking head?
Mariana? it's me. Pick up.
We need to taik. Pick up.
I'm in troubie.
what's your number?
It's 3-4-3-6-6-6-6.
3-4-3-6-6-6-6.
Shit! How do i do this?!
Fuck! why are these
keypads so compact?
- There's no "rediai" button?
- There is.
- Is there?
- Yes.
It's faded. it's this one here.
Thanks. i iove
rediai buttons.
It's the modern technoiogy...
improving our iives, and--
Heiio? Schh! Mariana?
It's Vani. Conciuding my
message, i'm at this number:
4-3-4...?
3-4-3 or 4-3-4?
3-4-3-6-6-6-6.
I won't ieave untii
i hear from you.
- You won't?!
- Reiax.
My sister got wasted tonight.
She won't take iong.
Take your time.
Guys, an anguish has
come over me.
From within.
My mouth's dry...
i'm gonna have apiripaque .
Stop it right there!
Piri what? "Piritáquio ?"
No, "piripaque ".
A fit, you know?
No, piripaque is more
iike a seizure.
- It's pronounced peripaque .
- No, piripaque , with an "i."
it's peripaque , from Tupi
Guarani.
- Huh?
- From Peri, the indian...
and paque , meaning "attack."
No! That's Engiish:
"pity pack."
Pity as "sorrow," pack as
"massive." Thus: pity pack.
It's as if massive pain
had come over you.
I've never heard such
nonsense.
I have: "peripaque "means
Peri's attack.
Peri's a fag who throws fits?
- He's an emotionai indian.
- A fag!
Anyway...
Vani, forgive me.
Come back home.
Iiove you so very,
very much. Sergio.
Guys...
i mean it. i'ii have
apiripaque !
I fucked up! i'm fucked.
That's fucked up!
Rui!
Check out Vani's
piripaque, Rui.
An orange! "Vani,
i iove you."
why wouid i beiieve your
iove's sincere, Sergio?!
Forget me, okay?!
Shit. My iove's not sincere?
What ajoke. i'm being
totaiiy honest.
Here's what i do to
our past, Sergio!
I'm tearing it up, and
throwing it away, ok?
How can it be over, Vani?
it's just begun.
A great iove, fuii of kisses
and promises... Shit.
That's the romantic stuff
i dream of.
0k, i'ii hit you
with a watermeion.
She wants the truth?
She'ii have it.
So cute, and romantic.
- The Cupid's arrow.
- it's phony.
A siide show! Great!
- That's him?
- Yep.
I won't faii for your cheap
trick! Forget it, honey.
Look. is that a barbecue?
It's a party at Nono and
Nené's, my cousins.
- Your cousins?
- The weii-hung one's in the back.
I want my stuff back...
and aii my photos.
You'ii get them. Here they are.
Is that your cousin, too?
That's... an ice cream that...
My iawyer wiii coiiect my
photos tomorrow, hear me?!
Expiain these butts now.
Whose butt is "AMA?"
it's mine. Looks great, huh?
No way! 0ur intimacies!
What's that?
That's... my dad--
i can't expiain that.
Stick that projector up
your ass, Sergio!
Fucked ya.
End of the show!
- What a iife!
- Yeah, quite coiorfui, eh?
Pardon my French.
i seidom swear, but...
that asshoie pisses me off.
That fucker wiii have to beg
me to come back, damn it!
For the iove of God!
Swearing is uncaiied-for.
Forgive me, father.
- She's foui-mouthed.
- Your mamma!
- See?
- "Mamma" is a curse word?
That's offensive.
- Your grandma, then.
- That's offensive, too.
- Your aunt, then.
- which one?
- Whichever.
- it couid be offensive, too.
Enough of circumiocution.
- I'm foui-mouthed?!
- He meant get to the point.
I feei siightiy better,
you know?
Where were we?
- Us?
- Yeah.
Can't remember.
You were discussing
my vagina.
Right. You said your penis is
too big for her vagina.
I did not. You did!
Whoa! i haven't seen
either one.
You said it must be unpieasant
when we do it.
- We?!
- Not us. we.
You said she avoided sex.
I avoid sex?! i'm very much
interest in sex!
He said that.
- I did not!
- Since when do i avoid sex?!
- I didn't say that.
- She said you did.
- I did not!
- i bet you did!
- Who wiii you beiieve?
- Guys!
Just-married and fighting
iike this?
Caim down. Put some music on.
What kind? Modern or oidies?
An upbeat fiashback. How's that?
How's that?! i'm the king
of fiashbacks.
- Comin' right up.
- i feei great.
Listen to yourseif!
- How about you?!
- what about me?
You toid your husband to stick
the projector up his ass!
- That's different.
- How?
Because...
i, want to know...
what you said, regarding my
interest, in sex.
I didn't, say, anything,
about that, comma.
I said, your tampon, was...
average, that is, smaiier
than normai. Stop.
That's why the penis is
a muscie, not a bone.
To fit in different receptacies.
You know what
your probiem is?
You beiieve what you read
in the packaging...
you beiieve men are faithfui.
We're discussing tampons,
not men.
You know what reguiations are?
Wouidn't it be iiiegai if
"reguiar" and "super..."
were identicai sizes?
I didn't say "identicai,"
but practicaiiy the same.
- They're not.
- They are.
They are not!
- Stop!
- Stay out of this.
I'm reaiiy giad i didn't
give you my rice.
Fine. And i'm giad...
i got my haif of
the church fiowers.
- You took'em?
- Yes, honey.
Same thing if you had a reguiar
or a super decoration.
- Let's--
- Shut up, Rui!
- Wanna bet?
- what?
That both sizes are aimost
identicai.
- How much?
- $50 doiiars.
0eai.
- What time is it?
- Two-ish.
Too iate for a drugstore
deiivery.
0on't you have a super
tampon at your piace?
I do, but i won't got there.
I'ii go get it.
- Second fioor, right?
- Yeah, #202.
0oes your husband know
where you put your tampons?
Course. Every man knows where
his wife puts her tampons.
She said "put," but meant "keep."
You meant where i keep'em?
In my suitcase.
There's this song Martha hates.
Shouid i put it?
I won't waste your time
i'iiiay it out fiatiy before idie
ineed a remedy reaistrong
i bet Sergio's spying on us.
Wiii you get it, piease?
But iget no one to answerme
Who cares?
- Thanks.
- Sure.
Look, there's a bug here,
a cockroach, right here.
He said there was a magic drug
which cured aiiand didn't hurt
Try yourseif.
Give it to me siow
Give it to me siow
so it won't hurt
Give it to me
nice and siow
Put it siowiy
inside my heart
Marthie!
Tiger! we've oniy
got 10 minutes.
You're crazy.
You're crazy!
0pen up my dress, Sergio.
There's so many
fucking buttons!
We've oniy got 5 minutes.
You're crazy!
0o you aiways come up to
the rooftop to have a smoke?
Martha has asthma attacks
from the smoke.
I can't sieep with her wheezing
next to me, so i smoke up here.
Incredibie. How can a smoker...
marry a giri who wheezes
with smoke?
That's what i'm teiiing you.
- What's that?
- Peopie shouid oniy marry...
the iids to their pots,
you know?
- Come again?
- Haven't you heard that?
- What?
- "He's the iid to my pot?"
- Right.
- So, that's what i think.
Right on.
And how does one know
if he's someone eise's iid?
Weii, when you find the iid
to your pot...
you get some sort of sign,
you know? There.
I did get a sign.
Her dad signed our home's
downpayment.
Jesus! You're so materiaiistic.
Not that kind of sign.
It's iike, when you kiss
for the first time...
you hear beiis, you know?
0id you hear beiis?
- When i first kissed Sergio?
- Yeah.
I heard fiushing. we were
in a Ciub's restroom.
He might be the iid
to your toiiet bowi.
I've iived with Martha
over a year.
We got married, cause
her dying grandpa...
wanted to see her
go down the aisie.
So you didn't hear
any beiis with her?
When i first kissed her?
I heard: "0on't touch
my boobs!"
- You...
- i just...
grabbed them.
I understand, cause Martha--
Gosh! She's got...
such a rack.
it's amazing.
I chose Martha as
my soui mate...
mostiy for her...
you know?
- Tits?
- No. integrity.
Martha's very ioyai.
Button me up. we won't
meet for a whiie.
Are you ieaving the Gym?
No, you are.
- Right. it's risky.
- No, i enjoy risks, but...
newiyweds shouidn't
have affairs.
That's my case.
Marrying on the same day is fine,
but why in the same church?
Coupies can oniy marry
in their iocai parishes.
I had to present my
eiectricity and gas biiis...
Biiis? To be married? insane!
Indeed, damn priests.
0ne thought i was Jewish.
Had to show him if my dick
was circumcised.
- And is it?
- 0amn, Martha!
Found it.
Teii her i'm dying
with guiit, i swore...
i'd change, and you saw
i meant it.
I'ii say you were tear-eyed.
No, i've never cried
in front of her...
iet aione in front of
a stranger, see?
Wiii you bring me a gift
from Montevideo?
0kay. Teii her i iove her
way, way more than iife.
"Way, way more," okay.
You're crazy. And gorgeous!
- He'ii kiii himseif.
- what?!
Yep. He's threatening
to kiii himseif!
Sergio?
He's crying iike a baby.
if you...
don't take him back,
he'ii swaiiow 00T!
0id he say that?
Yes. And that if you didn't
come back in 15 minutes...
i shouid teii you that...
he ioves you "way, way more
than iife."
15 minutes, he said.
A bet is a bet.
- A tiny difference.
- Tiny, my ass. it's huge.
Are you crazy? Rui!
It's neither tiny nor huge.
I can't teii from here.
we need an "anatomic" angie.
0id you save your wedding
cake figurines?
I did.
Now we're taiking.
Look.
Reguiar, right?
And now, super.
Reguiar.
Super... Reguiar... Super...
Teii me there's no difference.
0f course, there is.
I refuse to discuss
that with you.
I got more important things to
do than discussing my uterus.
And so do you, by the way.
I'ii see you. we're neighbors.
Yeah. i'ii see you around.
What if your cousin caiis?
Cousin? No, my sister.
If she caiis, what do i say?
Teii her i went over Sergio's
to settie this.
I won't sieep over her piace.
There, honey.
$50 doiiars and your "Super
Pussy of the Street" trophy.
She's jeaious.
Indeed. Hey, that's my trophy:
indoor Soccer Champion!
- So, what's he iike?
- who?
Who, Martha? The guy.
Worse that she is.
A cheap womanizer.
She seemed even-keeied.
Reasonabie, given her situation.
Freud wouid expiain this.
She ieft those behind?
I said you were in tears,
threatening to take 00T.
I said you were in tears,
threatening to take 00T!
- Who is this?
- Me, you dumb-ass!
0umb-ass?
You ieft these behind.
0h, yeah. Throw them to me.
Come on.
Man... i'ii give you a hand.
Carefui, huh? wait.
- What?
- wait.
- I can't breath.
- i'm siipping.
Got them?
- This way.
- wait!
- Weii?
- i'ii sweep my ieg across.
I'ii get them now.
You okay?
I can't reach.
Let me just...
Let me kneei down here.
Kneei where? wait.
- Hey, my dress!
- Sorry!
You said i'd poison myseif
and she stayed on?
Yep, because of that
tampon bet i toid you about.
- And who won?
- what?
That's it. Scream,
if you need anything.
I just might.
No, if you need a ride, advice,
or a punch in his face.
That i wiii need.
- Hey?
- 0id you taik to me?
Weii, congratuiations.
You refusai to say who
won is taking more time...
than saying it straightaway.
She won, okay?!
Happy now, man?
Who's this?
- Who is it?
- My mom.
She's shocked
at aii this mess.
- You said "man."
- 0id i?
Yeah, "happy now, man?"
Mom, did i said "happy, man"
or "happy, mom?"
"Mom?" "Happy, mom?!"
Sorry.
For what, Martha?
i'm iost.
I did say, "happy, man?"
My mistake.
Mom, i gotta go now, and
consummate my marriage.
Bye, mom.
What's this "mom" shit?
- What?
- Nothing. it's fine.
And remember:
consummate it with your ieft hand.
Sergio?!
I'm here.
I'd poison myseif with 00T,
if you didn't come back.
I'd poison myseif with 00T,
if you didn't come back.
- You wouid not.
- Yes, i wouid.
Wouid not.
- Why not?
- Because.
- 0f course, i wouid.
- wouid not.
Yes, i wouid.
Wouid not. wouid not.
- 0kay, i wouidn't.
- i knew it.
Cause i knew you'd come back.
- I wouid not.
- Yes, you wouid.
Wouid not. why wouid i?
Because i iove you.
- You do not, Sergio.
- i do, Vani.
- You do not.
- i do.
- 0o ya?
- Look at me.
Have you ever seen me
this tear-eyed?
Now you'ii know the pieasures
of sex, my damsei.
No, your damsei's
got her period.
No probiem. There are
other possibiiities.
- What was that?
- what?
- That noise.
- what noise?
That one.
What is it?
- What is that, Martha?
- weii?
Was my show reguiar or super?
- It was super.
- 0idn't hear ya.
Super!
Come here, then. Come on.
0pen up these buttons.
i have a surprise for you.
- What surprise?
- 0pen them, and i'ii teii you.
- What?
- i've saved...
part of my virginity for
our wedding night.
I'm serious.
There's one thing i've never
done and i want do it tonight.
- What is it?
- weii, Rui, it.
- What is it?
- it, Rui.
We've aiready done "it."
No, i mean something
much better.
In that case...
it can oniy be "it."
- How odd. wait.
- what?
0idn't i button you up iast?
- In the car?
- Sure.
Weii, someone's missed
3 buttonhoies.
Am i missing a button?
No, someone's buttoned you up,
but missed 3 buttonhoies.
I-i had to use the b-bathroom
at that m-maniac's...
husband's piace.
- His bathroom?
- i had to p-p-pee. why?
The guy in tears threatening
to kiii himseif, and you peed?
Yeah, s-s-so what, Rui?
0id you have to undress
your top to pee?
N-no. i-i washed my face,
so i-i iowered it...
to... to avoid g-getting it wet.
-Why are you stammering?
- i'm not.
Am not! why?
See the ievei of your
gaiioping paranoia, Vani?!
I don't even know what
i'm being accused of.
This rice, Sergio. How did it
end up on your bed?
How wouid i know?
- You brought that giri in here!
- No.
Was she in the iiving room
the whoie time?
And she went into the kitchen
to get your tampon.
So, these rice grains came
jumping aii the way here.
Actuaiiy, they're not rice.
They're Mexican aibino
jumping beans...
- right, Sergio?!
- why are you asking me?
You know damn weii dona Rosa
is responsibie for the cieaning.
You're gonna biame her now.
A kardecist widow, mother of 5...
sexiess since '63?
So she drank champagne
in our giass...
wearing pink iipstick, then
picked rice on our bed?
Peopie do crazy stuff.
Like you. 0idn't you fight
for that Pussy Trophy...
whiie i was kiiiing myseif
with 00T?
I didn't not fight for any--
How did you know that?
I hadn't toid you.
Have you been taiking
to that woman?
Where are you going?
- Guess.
- No idea.
I'ii verify your story
at that guy's.
"My story?"
Are you crazy?
This is between you and me,
between the two of us.
The 4 of us. Look what i found.
- I can't see it.
- Rice.
A iittie rice, no biggie.
- So what?
- Exactiy what i said.
I found it on our bed. it
must've come from her!
- From me?
- Yes! You bitch!
I know they did it
whiie she was here.
Look for her pink iipstick.
You're insane!
No, you are! Bitch !
- 0on't caii me that!
- Let go of her, asshoie!
I'm trying to heip!
She's my wife!
His mini-dick must
fit her reguiar pussy.
You're 100o% crazy!
I'm going over there.
i don't want make a scene.
Where's my giass?
I don't know what you're
taiking about.
Where is it? 0h, you'ii
have a iittie juice?
That's been sitting there
for over a year.
- Tastes great.
- i doubt it.
You're trying to fooi me.
where's my giass?
I'm your husband now.
i couid have you committed.
For ajerk, you're
a terribie iiar.
- Where's my giass?
- i have no idea.
In the fridge.
Rui, if you ruin my
iipsticks, i'ii kiii you!
That won't come out.
We'ii need a new paint job.
I feei iike retaiiating
your act of vandaiism.
What can i do?
What if i smash that cheap
dinnerware set...
we got from your parents?
Yeah! i'ii break that cheap
dinnerware set...
we got from your parents.
Easy, Vani. if you
fiip your iid...
you'ii cease being right...
which you are. Gotta be
outraged, yet sensibie.
0h, great!
Where's that fucking
iipstick?!
You broke my great-grandma's
baiierina!
I did not!
Look!
This is unbeiievabie.
My assets suffered a biow,
and you rant over iipstick?
And oniy i wear it?!
Next, you'ii say Patrick Lemar's
made it exciusiveiy for me.
Liar! He aiready knew i'd won
the Super Pussy Trophy.
Was he the man on the phone?
- 0id she caii anyone?
- Not anyone. My mom.
0on't faii for this nonsense.
- She's out of her mind!
- where's the phone?
My mom went to bed
right after we hung up.
Is her number 3-- ?
She wears earpiugs.
My dad snores.
- What's her number?
- 2-7--
0on't! You'ii cancei the iast
number! Press "rediai."
0o it and we're through.
- Press "rediai."
- wiii you trust this woman...
you've just met over me?
Press it. Press it.
What-the-feck!
Pardon me?
What was that, Rui ?
- I got mixed up.
- Poor him.
I meant to say "piripaque."
Say "piripaque," "piripaque,"
reai fast, it sounds iike...
"what-the-feck", see?
I stiii don't get it.
How did "piripaque" turn
into "what-the-feck?"
i had an adrenaiine rush...
cause severai peopie's fates
depended on that rediaiing.
The brain sends the tongue
an impuise it can't controi.
0nce, i ieft a party
reaiiy wasted, and i...
got puiied over
by the poiice.
Instead of saying,
"Good evening, officer..."
i said, "Can i go
if i fiash at you?"
- Anyway...
- Yeah, anyway...
Heiio? Good evening.
Who's this? i see.
This is the phone company.
we're running some tests.
Wouid you piease stick
your phone up your ass?
- Was it her mother?
- Unbeiievabie!
A prankster caiier at such
an ungodiy hour.
Peopie have no respect,
reaiiy.
What's next?
Shit! won't that animai
break them apart?
Weii? want me to stick
that phone up your ass?
Enough! Say no more!
- He didn't do it.
- i didn't.
- I'd never do that!
- i wouid...
- but i heard screaming.
- Screaming?
A cat fight. Lotsa screaming,
but no one gets hurt.
Stop it! Your story's
so sinfui...
i can oniy hear you
in the confessionai.
We're not here to confess.
We haven't sinned. They have.
We're the victims in aii this.
I'm boarding a iiner in 1 hour.
No time to confess.
I'm staying right here.
You want to taik to me? You'ii
have to confess, individuaiiy.
I refuse to confess.
And i'm ciaustrophobic.
I'm not moving. You decide.
If we must confess,
we shouid sin first.
And confess iater.
A reaiiy hairy sin to
have your fuii attention.
Excuse us whiie we
have a quickie here.
The first one to be done
wiii confess to you, ok?
Time's running out to prevent
a sinfui act in your church.
God!
Let iust begin!
I'm gonna French kiss him.
French kissing in the vestry?
wait tiii the Vatican hears it.
Heads wiii roii!
- 0id you hear that?
- i did.
Aii aboard!
0eparture's at 10 o'ciock!
Aii aboard!
0eparture's in 25 minutes!
I won't forfeit my oniy
transatiantic cruise...
by staying here!
We both heard beiis. what
more do you want?!
0o you want to date me?
Caii me to catch a movie?
Maybe. why not?
Because i'ii never ever
date again.
- Liar.
- 0h yeah?
I'ii have sex, get married,
have chiidren, but i won't date.
I couid get a divorce, but
i'm too oid to date.
Wait. Come here.
Put me down! i'ii honeymoon
wherever i want!
Look, i did that, cause i've
got something for you.
Reaiiy? i want nothing from you.
It's a piece of jeweiry.
A heirioom i saved for
that speciai woman.
- Jeweiry?
- i thought...
Martha never reaiiy
deserved it.
What kind? A diamond?
It's soiid goid. i wanted you
to have it...
to remember me on your trip.
I'ii wait here. But hurry back...
or i'ii just go ahead,
and board.
Life is so crazy
So short
Since ican't take you
with me
i want you to take me
with you
0ut of the way!
Come on!
See, Martha? i knew
he'd come back.
I'd iove to strangie you.
- Coming! who is it?
- Severino, the doorman.
Stop! You're trespassing.
i couid caii the poiice!
Easy, i'm caim.
i was angry back then.
- Where's Vani?
- Let's act as civiiized men.
- Much better.
- what's your name?
My name? Sérgio Fonteneie.
Rui, Martha's husband.
The giri you've been banging.
0uch! wait! My bursitis!
- Too bad. what's your team?
- Fiamengo.
Favorite cartoon characters?
- The Fiintstones.
- 0kay. So...
you'ii sing Botafogo's anthem
in the Fiintstones' voice.
- Hey, Fred.
- No, sing, sing.
Botafogo, Botafogo,
1910's Champion.
My piece of jeweiry?
- You stayed?
- No, i'm gone. See me there?
Where's my soiid goid ring?
Wait.
- I won't take cheap stuff.
- Fine.
- My ring!
- Your right hand.
- What?
- Right hand.
"Rui, 9/17/96."
That's yesterday...
but untii we go to bed
it's stiii yesterday.
Your turn.
- Put my ring.
- what?
Gotta read it first.
"Vaniice, 9/17/96."
"Vaniice?"
Vani is my nickname.
Nobody's perfect.
- Now what?
- we're engaged.
You said "no dating."
So we're engaged.
And what's with that
wedding band, you dog?
When we met that day
it wasjust as iexpected
You didn't recognize me
butpretended it was okay
iknow you must have kept
a bit of me inside you
Like a siient movie
before words were invented
i've tuned up my ears
to hearyourcaiis
Now that you're aii dizzy...
those cards wiii roii up,
with info on the characters.
This fisherman invested in
smuggiing the $50 doiiars...
Vani paid for this "cruise",
and got rich.
Rui & Vani are stiii happiiy engaged.
(At ieast, iast we checked.)
Their iove bore a totaiiy
normai 71-segment TV series.
Martha & Sergio had sex a few
more times, than got bored.
Sergio got a sheriff's
daughter pregnant...
and finaiiy got married.
And Martha is here,
in the iast row...
feeiing the ex-fisherman's
crotch.
Engiish Transiation:
Monika Pecegueiro do Amarai
BASE0 0N TV GL0B0 SERiES,
"0S N0RMAiS".