Non ci resta che il crimine (2019) - full transcript
ALL YOU NEED IS CRIME
Here they are, the lowlifes.
- Selfie?
- Selfie? What?
- Okay, a quick one.
- Ok.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You're welcome, have a good day.
Boys, this is no good.
We're off to a terrible start.
It says here 10 o'clock.
I've been waiting here two hours.
It was chaos on the roads.
I think you'll find that
you're the one creating chaos.
Come on now,
let's get the stand set up.
Look how you've spa“ “mm“.
Here you go. This is for you.
Join us, gentlemen,
as we take you on a journey
through the city of Rome
and its history of organized crime.
A symbolic tour
of robberies, kidnappings, killings
committed by the Magliana Gang.
For you, for you.
I'm telling you,
this is so embarrassing.
But we're "making money
by the shovelful."
"Pijamose Roma."
What does that mean?
"Let's take Rome."
It's a catchphrase, advertising.
- A slogan?
- Forget about it. Here, madam.
- Watch out, you're getting fined.
- Look.
No!
I'm hardly running Colosseum tours!
There I'd need a permit.
Can I see that gun, please?
- Let's go.
- Oh.
This? This is a fake, look.
See? "Made in China.
Want me to show you?
I can shoot myself in the leg,
in the stomach, in the head.
Come on.
I'll turn a blind eye to the gun,
even though you shouldn't have it.
- What?
- You shouldn't have it.
But you're running unlicensed tours,
illegally occupying public space
and your car is in a no-parking spot.
What's the damage?
1054.32 euros, right?
Precisely.
And I don't even want to know
what you have in that bag.
Oh, this?
These are very strong laxatives
for my wife.
She has chronic constipation.
And this is very banal,
an electronic cigarette.
I recently quit smoking.
- Here's your fine.
- A fine.
- Have a nice day.
- The fine.
- Same to you.
- For me?
The fine.
You were supposed to get a permit.
Did the Gang ask for permits
when it took Rome?
Anyway, I'm taking this off,
I'm sweating.
Giuseppe, I forgot you were so ugly.
- You really are.
- Says you?
Hey, would 1000 euros be enough
to pay your fine?
- Who's that?
- No idea. Who is it?
- It's Gianfranco Richetti.
- Is it?
- It's the Sucker!
- Don't call me that.
Irina, Markéta, come here.
- This is Moreno, Sebastiano...
- Sebastiano.
- And Giuseppe.
- Hello.
We were always together at school,
I thought we were friends.
But they were just using me
to copy from me in lessons,
to steal my ball...
That was him!
When I realised,
I went my own way
and they stayed as they are now,
poor blokes.
How dare you?
Calm down, they're Belarusian,
they can't understand.
Do you really have three nipples?
"Da, da." Hear that?
- Get it?
- Very funny.
- Good one.
- What a bright idea I had.
Big Data.
I founded a start up
and sold it to Apple
for 35 million dollars.
- Wow, 35 million dollars.
- Come on.
Ladies, if it's ok with you
I'd like to take a tour
with my three failure friends.
- Bye, bye.
- Hasta Iuego chicas.
I've given you the money.
You have to take me on this tour.
This is Via del Pellegrino
where, on 2nd February 1990,
Renatino, the boss of all bosses,
new leader of the Magliana Gang,
was stopped by two assassins
on a motorbike.
He was on his scooter
right here, outside number 65
and they shot him.
Moreno's good, isn't he?
Always obsessed
with this Magliana crap.
- How is it crap?
- Oh, come on.
What was it did back in school?
Think fast!
Can you please quit messing around?
I have palpitations.
- And here we are.
- Why are we here, Sebastiano?
- Why?
- I don't know.
- This is the Sant'Apollinare church.
- Yeah.
- The boss was buried here.
- I remember.
- The boss, Giuseppucci.
- Giuseppucci? No, Renatino.
What's in there,
other than Renatino's remains?
"The Gang hid its treasure inside"
"until the sting on 12 July 1980,
when they were all arrested."
And who tipped them off?
I'll tell you right away.
- The Worm.
- The Worm.
- Of course, if you'd...
- You're a moron.
Look, Gianfranco.
Let's combine our intelligence.
Invent something! Import, export...
Exports... What will we export?
Olives! Roman stuffed olives.
To Qatar.
With the money you stole?
“Whim.
When we were little
and you were jerking off
to mail-order catalogues,
I was putting money aside
to buy a Commodore 64.
I remember, it cost 970,000 lira.
And you stole that money from me.
Now, the 19805' most famous club.
- Good, I can tell you studied.
- Thanks.
What do you mean studied?
He's reading it.
Well, he's doing a good job reading.
Unlike Sebastiano,
whose reading is awful.
Alright.
It's said that the Gang
laundered tons of money here,
drinking rivers of champagne
and snorting dunes of cocaine.
Imagine!
- What did you say?
- I said, "mozzarella di bufala".
We'll open a huge dairy in Cape Town,
what do you think?
We'll sell contaminated mozzarella
from Caserta.
Like the Gang used to say,
we'll make money by the shovelful.
By the shovelful, very good.
This was the Gang's HQ.
Now it belongs to the Chinese, of course.
- Is there much left?
- Ah, so you want more!
There's the bank, the bookies'...
What do you think? Coffee break?
My treat, seeing as you're all poor.
Thank you.
- When did he get like that?
- I've always hated him.
Sorry, was it not always our fault?
- Four coffees, please.
- Coming up.
Do you really think
this tour can make you money?
Why not? Why wouldn't it?
I think it's a great idea,
fresh, new, for the tourists.
I'm amazed.
How has a business genius like you
not invested in this start up yet?
- Why don't you fund it?
- Because it's a load of crap.
And who else is going
to give you pity money like this?
I'm just going to the bathroom.
Excuse me, are they down there?
- Yeah, down there.
- Thanks. Be right back.
I'm going to wash my hands, too.
- The toilette.
- Yes.
We're leaving through the back door.
- I love coffee.
- I can't.
- Let's go.
- Giuseppe, you were different.
Those two buffoons changed you.
I know, Gianfranco, you're right.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm just...
Weak. A chicken.
The classic coward.
And in my opinion, you...
Giuseppe, where are you going?
Come on, we've lost the fat lump!
- What's in here?
- Where are you?
We have a tour to finish.
- Look for a way out.
- There's a window.
- Look.
- What is it?
- Neon lights... bar?
- Strip club?
Come on, let's try it.
Ouch! You stood on my foot.
The shoes were enough pain as it was.
- Quiet or I'll thump you.
- You're too jumpy.
- He's right, you're too jumpy.
- Peppino, get lost.
- Go, the Sucker's coming!
- Are you in?
Go or he'll catch us.
Go, in there.
Go.
Don't push me.
Where the hell...
Hey, come here.
It's pitch black.
- Are you there? Hey!
- What is it?
- A door!
- Go!
- Go through it!
- Go, go in!
- Close it!
- We've lost him.
- Close the doors!
- Who cares?
He's handed it to me.
Can't you see it?
Hey!
Excuse me, hello.
Long live Italy!
Italy! Italy!
- Was there an Italy game on?
- No.
Excuse me.
Was there a friendly on?
A friendly? It's the World Cup!
We just beat Argentina.
The World Cup?
We didn't even qualify this year.
Bruno Conti!
Bruno Conti?
What are you on about?
Bruno Conti!
Is this a joke? Get lost.
- On your bike.
- Hey!
- Look, there's no signal here.
- Was there something in that coffee?
Either they slipped us LSD...
Or we've crossed
an Einstein-Rosen bridge, a wormhole.
- A what bridge?
- An Einstein-Rosen bridge.
- A tunnel through space and time.
- Sorry, what?
A shortcut through time.
The theory of relativity
says space and time are curved.
- Curved?
- No one told me.
Well, I'm telling you now:
space and time are curved.
Take an apple, for example.
To get to the other side,
a worm has to go round.
- Unless...
- Unless. ?
Unless it digs a tunnel
and goes through the middle.
$0.7
momma-m
- We need to go.
- Where are you going?
Back to the future.
- I'm coming with you.
- Gianfranco?
- Lads?
- What?
Wait, let's think about it.
Do you really believe
we've gone back in time
because that idiot says so?
DANGER - ENTRANCE FORBIDDEN
- Another bitters for the boss.
- It's ready to go.
- It's the Ox.
- Huh?
What?
It's the Ox. In real life.
- It can't be.
- Let's go.
Yeah, come on.
Down here.
I want to go back.
It's not possible.
- Shh, I've been thinking...
- About what?
This is how we make our fortune.
- Oh come on!
- What? I want to go home!
Don't you get it?
We're in the year 1982!
Exactly. If I don't finish my reports
my father-in-law will kill me.
You still have 30 years to do that.
Boys, please,
if life has taught me anything
it's not to mess
with a space-time paradox.
What if Serena has hit menopause
by the time I get back?
What do you care?
You haven't shagged for years.
- Fair point.
- Six years?
Six, yeah...
Anyway, I don't feel like it.
- I'm shitting myself.
- Me neither.
You're not getting the point.
Fate has granted us
a stroke of excellent fortune.
And you want to turn your backs?
On fate?
- What?
- How?
These people know nothing.
We're 30 years ahead of them.
This is our chance
to make money by the shovelful.
Want an example?
Shall I give you one?
We'll invent
the tablet, Facebook, Crazy Frog.
- Who cares about Crazy Frog?
- He has a point.
- OK, maybe.
- But I'm addicted to WhatsApp.
- It has to be said.
- He is.
And how will I charge my e-cig?
- Listen to him.
- They haven't even been invented!
I can't just start smoking again!
- Hey!
- Who's that?
- What are you doing?
- Is it the Boar?
- It's the Ox.
- We're looking for the toilette.
- The toilette?
- Yeah.
You speak weird.
Are you gay?
No, it's just a saying.
- Get the hell out of here.
- Yes.
- Right away.
- Bye bye.
That way no one else
is getting through here.
- Get out!
- Woah, easy.
- You need to disappear.
- Yes.
Juan-“unveil“!
- No.
How has this happened?
- Do know who they were'?
- Four troublemakers, yeah.
For sure: the Ox, the Industrialist,
The Worm and Accattone.
Junior was there too.
We're right in the midst
of the Magliana Gang.
It's a miracle we're alive.
Come on, let's celebrate. We won!
Live the 19805 Rome experience!
Come on, breathe it in.
There it is.
They still didn't have
catalytic converters.
I don't believe it,
how has this happened?
Sorry, I'm taking my shoes off.
My feet are cooking in these loafers.
- They don't smell too bad, try it.
- Get that stench away from me.
You're telling me?
I'm sweating like a pig in this wig.
Put it back on, Christ, it's 1982.
Shaved heads are lame, remember?
- You think?
- "Tuesday 29th June 1982."
Have you seen this?
Now we've had our lovely little dip
into the past,
I say we go back to the bar,
back through the wormhole,
and then we go home.
- Let's go.
- Home? Stop right there.
Let me show you something.
On eBay, for just 70 euros,
I bought 500,000 lira.
And we're going to use it
to make more.
Don't you want to make me rich?
In the future, at least?
So I can afford the maintenance
I have to pay my wife.
- How are we going to do that?
- Illegal gambling.
But we don't know the results!
Wikipedia hasn't been invented.
We have Giuseppe.
Who needs Wikipedia?
- Group 5 in the World Cup.
- OK.
- Northern Ireland, four points.
- See?
Spain and Yugoslavia, three.
Honduras, two.
Spain goes through on goals scored,
robbing it from Honduras,
an excellent team
captained by keeper Arzú
and the legendary Figueroa.
Figueroa! You see?
So we're really going to do it?
"Make money by the shovelful."
See? Not such a moron after all.
You're too kind, thanks.
- Ok let's go.
- Where, though?
I'll show you.
Boys, I'm telling you:
let me do the talking.
I know these places, OK?
- Can we come in?
- It's not your Gran's living room.
Hello.
There he is.
The Pharisee,
Rome's most infamous bookie.
Aside from anything,
he's mates with the Ox.
- Italy-Brazil, 50.
- He'll take any bet.
- Anything.
- 4-0 to Brazil.
In fact, just seeing him...
I'm in awe.
- Why?
- What has he done?
You idiots. He's dead!
He dies in three years' time.
In 1985, they shot him in the face.
- Poor guy.
- "Poor guy"? They obliterated him.
Guys, can we 90?
Like... now?
- I can't do this.
- Wait.
- Don't be scared, we're here.
- Exactly.
Moreno's right.
- We need to show confidence.
- Yeah.
Or they won't respect us.
Let me show you.
- No!
- Relax.
Pharisee, how the fuck are you?
What did you say?
- No!
- Are you Mister Pharisee?
Who the hell let you use that name?
Are you a cop?
- No.
- Please!
- LI-n.
- M,MM.II“.
He just wants to place a bet,
he went about it all wrong.
Your friend is a moron.
- Sure, we've known that for years.
- Absolutely.
- Ok. You want to place a bet?
- Yes.
- Show me the money.
- Come on, show him.
Here, 500,000 lira, in cash.
No online transfer required.
- Online...?
- You know, it's all there.
It's all there.
Which match are you betting on?
- West Germany-England?
- Final score.
If you give us odds of 10 to one,
we'll bet on who scores, too.
You're throwing money away.
Come on then.
- Final score?
- 0-0.
- 0-0?
- 0-0.
- Then goals don't...
- Come on!
- Let's say...
- Hey!
- Come here, let's put this down.
- Sorry.
Coming.
Doctor Biafra.
- Hello.
- Hi there.
- OK, what's your bet?
- 0-0.
0-0.
In the unlikely event that you win,
500,000 at 10 to one...
that's five million.
- But seeing as you'll lose...
- Yeah, got it, thanks.
- Here's your slip.
- Here we go.
It's on.
Thank you.
I came from the west side of Rome
On an old, beat-up Vespa Sport.
I used to have half a million,
but now I have so much more.
Thank you and goodbye.
Sorry, they've never won before.
Thank you.
Oh, this is the stuff.
Let's see.
No, surely not! Look.
- Paolo Rossi.
- Paolo Rossi.
- Little Pablo and...
- And...?
- And...
- Tell him.
Figueroa!
No, you're kidding!
That's it?
- Really?
- No, he's just really rare.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Come on!
- Stop it!
Everyone's looking at you.
Identical!
This is so good.
They stopped making them.
- Because if it's good...
- They stopped making it.
What can you do?
- You're crazy!
- I haven't had so much fun since '82.
- I haven't done this for 30 years.
- I'd never done it!
I can tell.
And the music was better then.
Oh, better than now.
It's all "boom, boom, boom".
- Exactly!
- And there's no singing.
Gentleman!
A new entry takes the stage.
With an excellent B-side.
- Two beautiful pins.
- Femme fatale.
I'm taking a photo.
- Take a photo.
- What are you doing with that?
Muhammwtm.
Man
Bravo!
- Good dancer, and beautiful.
- Killer.
She's dressed like
Jamie Lee Curtis in "Perfect".
- My God.
- Killer.
Look at those moves.
- Where's she going?
- Is she coming over?
Oh hello. Hi.
- Good evening.
- Go on, Sebastiano.
This is crazy!
- I'm Sebastiano.
- Let's open another.
- Look at that leg.
- Moreno.
We've lost him.
Thank you.
That's it, like that.
She's so good, killer.
If her father could see her...
- Wait... there it is!
- Come on!
Is she choking?
- Where are you going?
- You scared her off.
- I got distracted.
- Bye!
- Cheers!
- Bye!
- My ring!
- Huh?
- She swallowed my wedding ring!
- What?
Can I come in?
Miss?
Who is it?
Can I come in?
Excuse me, miss,
I don't want to intrude, but...
What do you want?
See something you like?
Quickly, in and shut the door.
- Closed...?
- I need to change.
Junk-Ubuntu.
Your ring?
You're looking for it here?
So many men come looking for that!
Know what I tell them?
That I'm not a therapist.
Look, miss, I get it.
Could you just give me back my ring?
It has the date of my wedding
and my wife's name on it.
If you love your wife so much,
you should be with her,
not watching a striptease.
It's a long story,
but I promise, this is my first time
in a place like this.
You're all the same,
coming in here, whining away.
I can't do this, we don't have sex,
we don't love each other anymore."
Poor blokes.
I get it, you want money.
Now give me back my ring, or...
Or what? Who you gonna call?
Lieutenant Columbo?
Or Kolchak? Who do you prefer?
No, actually in the '80s
I was a big fan of "CHiPs".
Ah, Poncherello's here too!
Please, forgive me.
- I didn't take you for a moron.
- You're not the first to say that.
But let me assure you,
I have never cheated on my wife.
Look how I really feel this feeling
Feel the feeling
I feel feel the feeling
Where's he come from then?
I'm Italian.
A handsome man, well done.
But go before her boyfriend sees you
or he'll pull off your ears.
This is my friend, Nespola.
Nice to meet you, Mr Nespola.
I'm Sebastiano.
And I'm Debbie Harry.
Here, do you smoke?
No, I've moved on.
To electronic cigarettes.
- To what?
- I've quit.
Oh.
Do you always get given so many gifts?
No. In five minutes it's my birthday.
Well, happy birthday.
Guess who is the only person
that forgot?
- Her boyfriend.
- Stop going on!
Tomorrow he could come
and give me a ring, a diamond.
Good one, what a performance.
Shut up,
this poor guy spent the whole day
in his lawyer's office yesterday,
ironing out his divorce.
I wouldn't believe it if I saw it.
Pinocchio!
No time for a smoke, my dear.
Put the cigarette down,
you're up, quick.
- Ciao, honey.
- Very funny.
- No, wait, my ring.
- Ah,your ring.
You'll have to be patient.
- Yeah... huh?
- Why don't you come back tomorrow?
- I have a slow gut.
- What? You too?
What a coincidence.
These were for my wife.
It's a very strong laxative.
- Laxatives?
- Yes.
- Laxatives for my birthday?
- Yes.
You're so sweet and handsome,
what a good boy!
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh God.
- Excuse me.
Here he is, Sebastiano.
Did you find your ring?
No, she swallowed it.
I have to get it back
what am I going to do?
Ha, ha, ha... it's not funny.
Sebastiano!
- They didn't have them.
- Woops.
- Gino?
- Another Magnum.
- Yes, Gino, another Magnum.
- A toast?
- Yes.
Yeah!
To hell with paying maintenance
and to hell with Gianfranco.
And to hell with palpitations
and especially my father-in-law!
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
Now you, Sebastiano:
"To hell with Sere..."
No, I don't like this game.
- "Sere..."
- No, please stop.
- "Serena."
- Let's do this.
"Let's take Rome!"
- No!
- Moreno, let's not get carried away.
Excuse me?
Excuse me, we're closing.
- He says...
- Here.
Wait.
- What is it?
- I'll get it.
Here.
Here we go.
- What is it?
- There's a mistake.
- 6 million? There's a mistake.
- Are they mad? 6 million!
- 6 million!
- You're right, my mistake.
- See?
- Yeah.
I left off a Magnum,
of Dom Pérignon.
That'll be 8,400,000 lira.
- How is it 8 million?
- 4,200 euros.
Are you kidding?
Are you having us on?
Are you being serious?
I want to speak to the manager.
Non “hm
Here we joke about everything.
But money.
Mandrake's here!
Quit laughing, that's Renatino.
- Who?
- Renatino, the boss.
- I'm telling you.
- What we gonna do with you?
In there?
- Get out.
- Where?
- Yes, I'm good, relax.
- Calm down, quick.
We're here?
Just yesterday,
you were shitting yourselves in here.
Relax, you're only missing
5,200,000 lira.
- Keep walking, come on.
- Giuseppe, Christ, say something.
- I have a heart condition.
- Come on.
- Something helpful.
- Right, helpful.
OK, can I suggest a deferment?
With interest, of course.
We could agree a reasonable rate.
- You think I offer loans?
- Of course not, Signor Renatino.
- How do you know my name?
- I don't know.
Who are you? Who sent you?
- Cops? That politico, Andreotti?
- Andreotti's dead.
No one sent us,
I'm just a huge admirer.
- You know who I am?
- Of course, everyone knows.
- How does everyone know?
- You're becoming famous, Renatino.
- They're making a movie.
- Yeah, they called in Al Pacino.
"Scarf ace" is coming out soon.
We'll get you your money,
give us a few days.
- Ok, sure. You've got 36 hours.
- Ok.
Tomorrow, we'll be here
watching the Brazil game.
When the whistle goes,
if you're not back, you're dead.
Of course.
Jinan-Mom
- Let's go.
- Thanks.
- Goodbye.
- Where the fuck are you going?
- To get your money.
- "To get my money"?
- Dollookootbyou?
- No.
- Howullbomyuwnwm
- We won't, we're men of our word.
- Absolutely.
We're all men of our word here.
No, don't worry.
Hey, aren't you happy?
We can be friends.
Go.
A minute late
and we'll shoot him in the mouth.
Get out of the fucking way.
- I didn't understand.
- He said "fuck off".
Thanks, guys. On you 90.
Good luck.
Poor Peppino.
- 5 million... What are we gonna do?
- We'll come up with something.
- How?
- We'll do it.
But first you need see the whore,
get your ring back
and take it to the pawnshop.
Then sell yesterday's purchases.
We'll never do it,
Gianfranco was right.
We should have gone back,
that's it.
Gianfranco.
Look out.
- What is it?
- Come on.
I'm just walking.
Oh, my back!
I hate getting old.
- Look, it's just as it was.
- No, it just is 1982.
Then it'll become a kebab shop.
A crap one, at that.
- Oolmon.lookbrhb¢t.
- Where are you going? It's here.
- Here, you say?
I don't say, I know. In fact...
Here!
- Ah, shit!
- Stop, stop!
Do you realise who they are?
Of course. It's us.
- Let us through!
- Stop right there!
You have so much beautiful hair now.
You'll lose it all as you get older,
you'll be bald. Happy?
You can't even see yourself, Giuseppe.
- Help! Run, Moreno!
- Stop!
- Leave him. Already a chicken.
- Run!
- I was a sensitive child.
- What?
- Giuseppe, run!
- Stop right there!
I'll beat him
if you don't give me the box.
- Who cares?
- Good point, who are you talking to?
I may have been a coward,
but you were a scumbag.
Hey, Giuseppe!
- Give me that!
- I got it first!
- Let it go!
- Give me it!
- Stop!
- The Sucker!
- Don't call me that.
- Gianfranco.
That's my savings.
Moreno, you're a thief.
- We're not friends anymore.
- Like I care!
- Stop him!
- Come here!
Who are you? His accomplices?
His accomplices?
No, we were trying
to get your money back.
- You make me laugh.
- It was him that took them!
Dad!
- Don't call your dad!
- Shut up!
Aren't you Gianfranco,
the one who needs a Commodore 64?
Who are you?
Who am I?
My name is Jobs.
- Steve Jobs.
- Look at that.
And what do you want from me?
I want your mind, because you,
my friend, are a freaking genius.
I came from the future
to speak to you.
- Yeah, me too.
- From the future?
From the future.
I crossed the Guns N' Roses bridge.
- Einstein-Rosen.
- Exactly.
Anyway, I need that money,
to buy my Commodore 64.
Again with the Commodore 64!
Can't you see it's a pile of crap?
I have a proposal.
I want to do business with you.
Look at this device.
It has everything you need.
Big Data.
"Making money by the shovelful",
you understand?
- Want to see? Here.
- Stop!
Can I pass it to you?
I'll pass it with my foot.
- Pass it on the floor.
- Would you shut up?
Pass it on the floor.
Listen to Steve Jobs.
Yes.
It's off.
- It's off.
- Hang on, I've got this.
You can charge it with this.
I'll pass this on the floor too,
I won't come over, it's OK.
Ready? Go!
What is it, a battery?
- A battery!
- A battery...
It's the olden days... You'll see.
No, I don't believe you. Dad!
- You're calling your dad?
- Put that down.
Are you crazy? Go!
What are you doing with that?
It's blocking traffic.
I need to paint a huge wall,
I need a big brush.
You don't need a big brush,
you need a great brush.
- Cinghiale brushes.
- What about my wife?
Of course I remembered.
Your birthday is tomorrow.
-100, 101...
- It's today?
Then, happy birthday! Hello?
What are you looking at?
Do I have something on my face?
Sorry, I wasn't looking.
- You, pay attention.
- I am.
What are you doing?
- Are you a doctor?
- No, I'm an accountant.
At my father-in-law's firm.
- I hope he pays you.
- Almost every month.
He says he'll make me partner soon.
As long as your friends make it.
For Christ's sake.
Citroen Dyane,
you can always say it's your wife's.
She's not answering.
- Get up.
- Right away.
Tell your father-in-law
to go to hell.
Words are for priests,
suck-ups and traitors.
I like things I can touch.
Paintings, statues, gold, your knee.
If you can't touch it,
it means it's not yours.
Like a woman who doesn't answer
when you call.
Exactly.
It's a lack of respect.
A bit like the tax man.
Always leaves you on hold,
listening to that music,
until you lose the connection.
- They do it on purpose.
- Yes.
It really drives me mad.
Exactly, Signor Renatino,
but that's how it is.
Then the tiniest little mistake
and you have to pay, plus interest.
- And you can't say anything.
- And you can't say anything.
Her birthday...
How can I remember everything?
You're right,
you can't remember everything.
There's nothing for it,
you have to go in person.
You're right! I need to go in person.
If not, you'll be left
with your pants down.
- What did you say to me?
- What did I say?
You said: "Pants down.'
You know: caught out.
- You're coming with me.
- Where?
Here she is.
- What a figure.
- Be good.
- Focus.
- Those legs.
I want to go in.
Go, go on, get moving.
Mar-mm
Yes, what?
I don't get it.
- Did you call me?
- No.
- OK.
- Go!
Duracell lasts longer.
- Happy birthday to me.
- Switched on for an hour.
They're all powered
by zinc carbon batteries, bar one.
- Happy birthday, dear idiot.
- They all stop, bar him.
Happy birthday to me.
Duracell lasts five times longer.
Copper and black,
Duracell lasts longer.
- Hello.
- What are you doing here?
- I came for my ring.
- Who gave you my address?
If my boyfriend sees, he'll kill you.
Come on, quickly.
Come in? I'll come in.
Beautiful house! Simple, beautiful.
Thanks, I take pride in it.
I brought you a little cadeau.
- A cadeau?
- A little gift.
- How sweet, thank you.
- You're welcome, it's nothing.
"P-I-J " Is it French?
Is it French? No.
I mean, yeah it's French.
- Make yourself comfortable.
- Is that OK?
- Sure.
- Thanks, this ok
- So?
- Here we are.
- What's with all the rush?
- The rush...
You won't believe this,
but I'm desperate.
If I don't find 5 million by tomorrow,
they'll kill my friend.
- And you want to use your ring?
- I need to do something.
Obviously it's not nice for Serena,
but I have to do something, you know?
You're so sweet and considerate.
If I had the 5 million,
I'd wire it to you now.
- But times are hard...
- Of course.
- I'll go get the ring.
- Thank you.
- If you're hungry, take a slice.
- I'd love a little slither, thanks.
- Happy birthday again.
- Where is it?
Anyway, those pills, they worked a treat!
Sorted me right out.
Yes, my wife always says they...
- Ah, here it is.
- Oh shit!
- What happened here?
- I'm sorry.
She's not answering the phone,
but she's home, the little...
- Now that's done.
- I apologise again about the cake.
Don't worry about it.
Come on, take off that shirt.
- My shirt?
- Yeah.
Here. Thanks again.
The trousers, too, come on.
Come on, you men,
you can't do anything yourselves.
But, it's a bit embarrassing...
Done, one... two. Here.
Cute little song, how'd it go?
And then you can make it up,
I don't remember the words.
Is it that band, "Ricchi e Poveri"?
I don't know it.
No, but in a few years
everyone will be singing it.
Good!
And then sing what you like.
- Sweet.
- As you like it.
- I knew it, there's a man!
- No!
Signor Renatino, sorry to interject,
but it looks more like a silhouette,
of a mannequin.
- See how still it is?
- Amannequin? But...
See? Not moving.
It's a mannequin.
- I see it.
- It's still, not moving.
What are you doing here?
Sebastiano's inside.
- What is he doing?
- Hey.
What's up with you?
You're out of breath.
No, it's just my heart
I'm supposed to take nebivolol.
It's just you don't have it here yet.
Here? What?
Here on the west side of Rome.
You're odd, Giuseppe.
Really odd, I don't get you.
All done.
Thank you.
Sebastiano...
- What's happening here?
- I don't know, I don't...
I can't.
There's a man in there.
- There's a man in there.
- I thought it was a mannequin?
Mannequins don't move, Giuseppe,
mannequins stay still.
- Come on.
- OK.
Warn Sebastiano.
I'm coming.
H ow?
- Hey!
- Who is it?
Come on!
- I get it.
- They'll kill you, go!
- You don't like me.
- What do you want?
What do you mean what do I want?
What do you want... me to say?
I've never cheated on Serena.
That's how it is.
You're just so sweet,
polite, respectful!
Oh God, who is it?
Open the door,
before I break it down.
- Now!
- It's my boyfriend.
We haven't done anything,
we'll just explain.
You don't get it.
Whoever's there,
I'll cut out his guts and eat them.
Let me check out the terrace.
- Hi sweetheart.
- Hello.
Who were you with, you snake?
- No one!
- Who were you with?
It's better that you tell me
than Ifind myself.
- Renatino.
- I'm warning you, I'm totally calm.
Before I shoot you,
tell me where he is...
- Excuse...
- Shut it.
- Where the fuck is he?
- I'm alone!
I'll tear the house apart.
I paid for it anyway.
You're alone? Liar!
Christ, I'm gonna rip your head off.
Where is he?
- Sorry, could I...
- What do you want?
I'd like to point out the mannequin,
just as I pointed out before.
- So?
- Could we be mistaken?
- I don't make mistakes
- Of course not.
Get out of my way.
Come out, you bastard!
I'll rip your arms off!
- Where are you?
- Has he gone?
I'll sort him out, OK?
Calm down, my love, please.
OK, I'm calm.
Tell me there's no one but me.
- There's no one but you.
- Just me, right.
What was the silhouette
I saw from outside?
It was the mannequin!
He was right, your ugly friend.
- Now calm down.
- OK, I'm calm.
OK, good, good.
Good, that helps.
Just a mannequin, good.
I know, sometimes I get carried away.
But it's because I love her.
I love my wife, Giuseppe,
but it's like she's a relative.
Sabrina reminds me what it's like
to be a real man.
That's why I get mad
and a tiny bit jealous.
Because I can't tame her, you know?
And I can never be there,
there's work to be done.
It's tough being the boss.
But what would you know?
- Are you listening?
- Huh?
- Yes, Signor Renatino.
- Quit with all this "Signore".
I've come to like you today,
well done.
- You're clear.
- What? I'm going forwards.
We can't even afford a sandwich
in this place.
- I know.
- I need to convince Renatino.
- To kill all three of us?
- What are you on about?
It's psychology,
I can read these people.
- And what is it you're reading?
- I know how to reason with them.
You read a couple of books
and think you know it all.
"They killed him here,
and him there."
"He snorts this stuff,
he hides treasure here."
What do you really know?
- Nothing.
- The treasure.
- You're not such a moron after all.
- What?
Where are you going?
What if the priest turns up?
What priest? Come on. Shh!
- See that wall?
- Yes. And?
If I've worked this out right...
- You pull the candle, then what?
- Look.
Fusaia let this slip in questioning.
Here they are, the lowlifes.
- Selfie?
- Selfie? What?
- Okay, a quick one.
- Ok.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You're welcome, have a good day.
Boys, this is no good.
We're off to a terrible start.
It says here 10 o'clock.
I've been waiting here two hours.
It was chaos on the roads.
I think you'll find that
you're the one creating chaos.
Come on now,
let's get the stand set up.
Look how you've spa“ “mm“.
Here you go. This is for you.
Join us, gentlemen,
as we take you on a journey
through the city of Rome
and its history of organized crime.
A symbolic tour
of robberies, kidnappings, killings
committed by the Magliana Gang.
For you, for you.
I'm telling you,
this is so embarrassing.
But we're "making money
by the shovelful."
"Pijamose Roma."
What does that mean?
"Let's take Rome."
It's a catchphrase, advertising.
- A slogan?
- Forget about it. Here, madam.
- Watch out, you're getting fined.
- Look.
No!
I'm hardly running Colosseum tours!
There I'd need a permit.
Can I see that gun, please?
- Let's go.
- Oh.
This? This is a fake, look.
See? "Made in China.
Want me to show you?
I can shoot myself in the leg,
in the stomach, in the head.
Come on.
I'll turn a blind eye to the gun,
even though you shouldn't have it.
- What?
- You shouldn't have it.
But you're running unlicensed tours,
illegally occupying public space
and your car is in a no-parking spot.
What's the damage?
1054.32 euros, right?
Precisely.
And I don't even want to know
what you have in that bag.
Oh, this?
These are very strong laxatives
for my wife.
She has chronic constipation.
And this is very banal,
an electronic cigarette.
I recently quit smoking.
- Here's your fine.
- A fine.
- Have a nice day.
- The fine.
- Same to you.
- For me?
The fine.
You were supposed to get a permit.
Did the Gang ask for permits
when it took Rome?
Anyway, I'm taking this off,
I'm sweating.
Giuseppe, I forgot you were so ugly.
- You really are.
- Says you?
Hey, would 1000 euros be enough
to pay your fine?
- Who's that?
- No idea. Who is it?
- It's Gianfranco Richetti.
- Is it?
- It's the Sucker!
- Don't call me that.
Irina, Markéta, come here.
- This is Moreno, Sebastiano...
- Sebastiano.
- And Giuseppe.
- Hello.
We were always together at school,
I thought we were friends.
But they were just using me
to copy from me in lessons,
to steal my ball...
That was him!
When I realised,
I went my own way
and they stayed as they are now,
poor blokes.
How dare you?
Calm down, they're Belarusian,
they can't understand.
Do you really have three nipples?
"Da, da." Hear that?
- Get it?
- Very funny.
- Good one.
- What a bright idea I had.
Big Data.
I founded a start up
and sold it to Apple
for 35 million dollars.
- Wow, 35 million dollars.
- Come on.
Ladies, if it's ok with you
I'd like to take a tour
with my three failure friends.
- Bye, bye.
- Hasta Iuego chicas.
I've given you the money.
You have to take me on this tour.
This is Via del Pellegrino
where, on 2nd February 1990,
Renatino, the boss of all bosses,
new leader of the Magliana Gang,
was stopped by two assassins
on a motorbike.
He was on his scooter
right here, outside number 65
and they shot him.
Moreno's good, isn't he?
Always obsessed
with this Magliana crap.
- How is it crap?
- Oh, come on.
What was it did back in school?
Think fast!
Can you please quit messing around?
I have palpitations.
- And here we are.
- Why are we here, Sebastiano?
- Why?
- I don't know.
- This is the Sant'Apollinare church.
- Yeah.
- The boss was buried here.
- I remember.
- The boss, Giuseppucci.
- Giuseppucci? No, Renatino.
What's in there,
other than Renatino's remains?
"The Gang hid its treasure inside"
"until the sting on 12 July 1980,
when they were all arrested."
And who tipped them off?
I'll tell you right away.
- The Worm.
- The Worm.
- Of course, if you'd...
- You're a moron.
Look, Gianfranco.
Let's combine our intelligence.
Invent something! Import, export...
Exports... What will we export?
Olives! Roman stuffed olives.
To Qatar.
With the money you stole?
“Whim.
When we were little
and you were jerking off
to mail-order catalogues,
I was putting money aside
to buy a Commodore 64.
I remember, it cost 970,000 lira.
And you stole that money from me.
Now, the 19805' most famous club.
- Good, I can tell you studied.
- Thanks.
What do you mean studied?
He's reading it.
Well, he's doing a good job reading.
Unlike Sebastiano,
whose reading is awful.
Alright.
It's said that the Gang
laundered tons of money here,
drinking rivers of champagne
and snorting dunes of cocaine.
Imagine!
- What did you say?
- I said, "mozzarella di bufala".
We'll open a huge dairy in Cape Town,
what do you think?
We'll sell contaminated mozzarella
from Caserta.
Like the Gang used to say,
we'll make money by the shovelful.
By the shovelful, very good.
This was the Gang's HQ.
Now it belongs to the Chinese, of course.
- Is there much left?
- Ah, so you want more!
There's the bank, the bookies'...
What do you think? Coffee break?
My treat, seeing as you're all poor.
Thank you.
- When did he get like that?
- I've always hated him.
Sorry, was it not always our fault?
- Four coffees, please.
- Coming up.
Do you really think
this tour can make you money?
Why not? Why wouldn't it?
I think it's a great idea,
fresh, new, for the tourists.
I'm amazed.
How has a business genius like you
not invested in this start up yet?
- Why don't you fund it?
- Because it's a load of crap.
And who else is going
to give you pity money like this?
I'm just going to the bathroom.
Excuse me, are they down there?
- Yeah, down there.
- Thanks. Be right back.
I'm going to wash my hands, too.
- The toilette.
- Yes.
We're leaving through the back door.
- I love coffee.
- I can't.
- Let's go.
- Giuseppe, you were different.
Those two buffoons changed you.
I know, Gianfranco, you're right.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm just...
Weak. A chicken.
The classic coward.
And in my opinion, you...
Giuseppe, where are you going?
Come on, we've lost the fat lump!
- What's in here?
- Where are you?
We have a tour to finish.
- Look for a way out.
- There's a window.
- Look.
- What is it?
- Neon lights... bar?
- Strip club?
Come on, let's try it.
Ouch! You stood on my foot.
The shoes were enough pain as it was.
- Quiet or I'll thump you.
- You're too jumpy.
- He's right, you're too jumpy.
- Peppino, get lost.
- Go, the Sucker's coming!
- Are you in?
Go or he'll catch us.
Go, in there.
Go.
Don't push me.
Where the hell...
Hey, come here.
It's pitch black.
- Are you there? Hey!
- What is it?
- A door!
- Go!
- Go through it!
- Go, go in!
- Close it!
- We've lost him.
- Close the doors!
- Who cares?
He's handed it to me.
Can't you see it?
Hey!
Excuse me, hello.
Long live Italy!
Italy! Italy!
- Was there an Italy game on?
- No.
Excuse me.
Was there a friendly on?
A friendly? It's the World Cup!
We just beat Argentina.
The World Cup?
We didn't even qualify this year.
Bruno Conti!
Bruno Conti?
What are you on about?
Bruno Conti!
Is this a joke? Get lost.
- On your bike.
- Hey!
- Look, there's no signal here.
- Was there something in that coffee?
Either they slipped us LSD...
Or we've crossed
an Einstein-Rosen bridge, a wormhole.
- A what bridge?
- An Einstein-Rosen bridge.
- A tunnel through space and time.
- Sorry, what?
A shortcut through time.
The theory of relativity
says space and time are curved.
- Curved?
- No one told me.
Well, I'm telling you now:
space and time are curved.
Take an apple, for example.
To get to the other side,
a worm has to go round.
- Unless...
- Unless. ?
Unless it digs a tunnel
and goes through the middle.
$0.7
momma-m
- We need to go.
- Where are you going?
Back to the future.
- I'm coming with you.
- Gianfranco?
- Lads?
- What?
Wait, let's think about it.
Do you really believe
we've gone back in time
because that idiot says so?
DANGER - ENTRANCE FORBIDDEN
- Another bitters for the boss.
- It's ready to go.
- It's the Ox.
- Huh?
What?
It's the Ox. In real life.
- It can't be.
- Let's go.
Yeah, come on.
Down here.
I want to go back.
It's not possible.
- Shh, I've been thinking...
- About what?
This is how we make our fortune.
- Oh come on!
- What? I want to go home!
Don't you get it?
We're in the year 1982!
Exactly. If I don't finish my reports
my father-in-law will kill me.
You still have 30 years to do that.
Boys, please,
if life has taught me anything
it's not to mess
with a space-time paradox.
What if Serena has hit menopause
by the time I get back?
What do you care?
You haven't shagged for years.
- Fair point.
- Six years?
Six, yeah...
Anyway, I don't feel like it.
- I'm shitting myself.
- Me neither.
You're not getting the point.
Fate has granted us
a stroke of excellent fortune.
And you want to turn your backs?
On fate?
- What?
- How?
These people know nothing.
We're 30 years ahead of them.
This is our chance
to make money by the shovelful.
Want an example?
Shall I give you one?
We'll invent
the tablet, Facebook, Crazy Frog.
- Who cares about Crazy Frog?
- He has a point.
- OK, maybe.
- But I'm addicted to WhatsApp.
- It has to be said.
- He is.
And how will I charge my e-cig?
- Listen to him.
- They haven't even been invented!
I can't just start smoking again!
- Hey!
- Who's that?
- What are you doing?
- Is it the Boar?
- It's the Ox.
- We're looking for the toilette.
- The toilette?
- Yeah.
You speak weird.
Are you gay?
No, it's just a saying.
- Get the hell out of here.
- Yes.
- Right away.
- Bye bye.
That way no one else
is getting through here.
- Get out!
- Woah, easy.
- You need to disappear.
- Yes.
Juan-“unveil“!
- No.
How has this happened?
- Do know who they were'?
- Four troublemakers, yeah.
For sure: the Ox, the Industrialist,
The Worm and Accattone.
Junior was there too.
We're right in the midst
of the Magliana Gang.
It's a miracle we're alive.
Come on, let's celebrate. We won!
Live the 19805 Rome experience!
Come on, breathe it in.
There it is.
They still didn't have
catalytic converters.
I don't believe it,
how has this happened?
Sorry, I'm taking my shoes off.
My feet are cooking in these loafers.
- They don't smell too bad, try it.
- Get that stench away from me.
You're telling me?
I'm sweating like a pig in this wig.
Put it back on, Christ, it's 1982.
Shaved heads are lame, remember?
- You think?
- "Tuesday 29th June 1982."
Have you seen this?
Now we've had our lovely little dip
into the past,
I say we go back to the bar,
back through the wormhole,
and then we go home.
- Let's go.
- Home? Stop right there.
Let me show you something.
On eBay, for just 70 euros,
I bought 500,000 lira.
And we're going to use it
to make more.
Don't you want to make me rich?
In the future, at least?
So I can afford the maintenance
I have to pay my wife.
- How are we going to do that?
- Illegal gambling.
But we don't know the results!
Wikipedia hasn't been invented.
We have Giuseppe.
Who needs Wikipedia?
- Group 5 in the World Cup.
- OK.
- Northern Ireland, four points.
- See?
Spain and Yugoslavia, three.
Honduras, two.
Spain goes through on goals scored,
robbing it from Honduras,
an excellent team
captained by keeper Arzú
and the legendary Figueroa.
Figueroa! You see?
So we're really going to do it?
"Make money by the shovelful."
See? Not such a moron after all.
You're too kind, thanks.
- Ok let's go.
- Where, though?
I'll show you.
Boys, I'm telling you:
let me do the talking.
I know these places, OK?
- Can we come in?
- It's not your Gran's living room.
Hello.
There he is.
The Pharisee,
Rome's most infamous bookie.
Aside from anything,
he's mates with the Ox.
- Italy-Brazil, 50.
- He'll take any bet.
- Anything.
- 4-0 to Brazil.
In fact, just seeing him...
I'm in awe.
- Why?
- What has he done?
You idiots. He's dead!
He dies in three years' time.
In 1985, they shot him in the face.
- Poor guy.
- "Poor guy"? They obliterated him.
Guys, can we 90?
Like... now?
- I can't do this.
- Wait.
- Don't be scared, we're here.
- Exactly.
Moreno's right.
- We need to show confidence.
- Yeah.
Or they won't respect us.
Let me show you.
- No!
- Relax.
Pharisee, how the fuck are you?
What did you say?
- No!
- Are you Mister Pharisee?
Who the hell let you use that name?
Are you a cop?
- No.
- Please!
- LI-n.
- M,MM.II“.
He just wants to place a bet,
he went about it all wrong.
Your friend is a moron.
- Sure, we've known that for years.
- Absolutely.
- Ok. You want to place a bet?
- Yes.
- Show me the money.
- Come on, show him.
Here, 500,000 lira, in cash.
No online transfer required.
- Online...?
- You know, it's all there.
It's all there.
Which match are you betting on?
- West Germany-England?
- Final score.
If you give us odds of 10 to one,
we'll bet on who scores, too.
You're throwing money away.
Come on then.
- Final score?
- 0-0.
- 0-0?
- 0-0.
- Then goals don't...
- Come on!
- Let's say...
- Hey!
- Come here, let's put this down.
- Sorry.
Coming.
Doctor Biafra.
- Hello.
- Hi there.
- OK, what's your bet?
- 0-0.
0-0.
In the unlikely event that you win,
500,000 at 10 to one...
that's five million.
- But seeing as you'll lose...
- Yeah, got it, thanks.
- Here's your slip.
- Here we go.
It's on.
Thank you.
I came from the west side of Rome
On an old, beat-up Vespa Sport.
I used to have half a million,
but now I have so much more.
Thank you and goodbye.
Sorry, they've never won before.
Thank you.
Oh, this is the stuff.
Let's see.
No, surely not! Look.
- Paolo Rossi.
- Paolo Rossi.
- Little Pablo and...
- And...?
- And...
- Tell him.
Figueroa!
No, you're kidding!
That's it?
- Really?
- No, he's just really rare.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Come on!
- Stop it!
Everyone's looking at you.
Identical!
This is so good.
They stopped making them.
- Because if it's good...
- They stopped making it.
What can you do?
- You're crazy!
- I haven't had so much fun since '82.
- I haven't done this for 30 years.
- I'd never done it!
I can tell.
And the music was better then.
Oh, better than now.
It's all "boom, boom, boom".
- Exactly!
- And there's no singing.
Gentleman!
A new entry takes the stage.
With an excellent B-side.
- Two beautiful pins.
- Femme fatale.
I'm taking a photo.
- Take a photo.
- What are you doing with that?
Muhammwtm.
Man
Bravo!
- Good dancer, and beautiful.
- Killer.
She's dressed like
Jamie Lee Curtis in "Perfect".
- My God.
- Killer.
Look at those moves.
- Where's she going?
- Is she coming over?
Oh hello. Hi.
- Good evening.
- Go on, Sebastiano.
This is crazy!
- I'm Sebastiano.
- Let's open another.
- Look at that leg.
- Moreno.
We've lost him.
Thank you.
That's it, like that.
She's so good, killer.
If her father could see her...
- Wait... there it is!
- Come on!
Is she choking?
- Where are you going?
- You scared her off.
- I got distracted.
- Bye!
- Cheers!
- Bye!
- My ring!
- Huh?
- She swallowed my wedding ring!
- What?
Can I come in?
Miss?
Who is it?
Can I come in?
Excuse me, miss,
I don't want to intrude, but...
What do you want?
See something you like?
Quickly, in and shut the door.
- Closed...?
- I need to change.
Junk-Ubuntu.
Your ring?
You're looking for it here?
So many men come looking for that!
Know what I tell them?
That I'm not a therapist.
Look, miss, I get it.
Could you just give me back my ring?
It has the date of my wedding
and my wife's name on it.
If you love your wife so much,
you should be with her,
not watching a striptease.
It's a long story,
but I promise, this is my first time
in a place like this.
You're all the same,
coming in here, whining away.
I can't do this, we don't have sex,
we don't love each other anymore."
Poor blokes.
I get it, you want money.
Now give me back my ring, or...
Or what? Who you gonna call?
Lieutenant Columbo?
Or Kolchak? Who do you prefer?
No, actually in the '80s
I was a big fan of "CHiPs".
Ah, Poncherello's here too!
Please, forgive me.
- I didn't take you for a moron.
- You're not the first to say that.
But let me assure you,
I have never cheated on my wife.
Look how I really feel this feeling
Feel the feeling
I feel feel the feeling
Where's he come from then?
I'm Italian.
A handsome man, well done.
But go before her boyfriend sees you
or he'll pull off your ears.
This is my friend, Nespola.
Nice to meet you, Mr Nespola.
I'm Sebastiano.
And I'm Debbie Harry.
Here, do you smoke?
No, I've moved on.
To electronic cigarettes.
- To what?
- I've quit.
Oh.
Do you always get given so many gifts?
No. In five minutes it's my birthday.
Well, happy birthday.
Guess who is the only person
that forgot?
- Her boyfriend.
- Stop going on!
Tomorrow he could come
and give me a ring, a diamond.
Good one, what a performance.
Shut up,
this poor guy spent the whole day
in his lawyer's office yesterday,
ironing out his divorce.
I wouldn't believe it if I saw it.
Pinocchio!
No time for a smoke, my dear.
Put the cigarette down,
you're up, quick.
- Ciao, honey.
- Very funny.
- No, wait, my ring.
- Ah,your ring.
You'll have to be patient.
- Yeah... huh?
- Why don't you come back tomorrow?
- I have a slow gut.
- What? You too?
What a coincidence.
These were for my wife.
It's a very strong laxative.
- Laxatives?
- Yes.
- Laxatives for my birthday?
- Yes.
You're so sweet and handsome,
what a good boy!
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh God.
- Excuse me.
Here he is, Sebastiano.
Did you find your ring?
No, she swallowed it.
I have to get it back
what am I going to do?
Ha, ha, ha... it's not funny.
Sebastiano!
- They didn't have them.
- Woops.
- Gino?
- Another Magnum.
- Yes, Gino, another Magnum.
- A toast?
- Yes.
Yeah!
To hell with paying maintenance
and to hell with Gianfranco.
And to hell with palpitations
and especially my father-in-law!
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
Now you, Sebastiano:
"To hell with Sere..."
No, I don't like this game.
- "Sere..."
- No, please stop.
- "Serena."
- Let's do this.
"Let's take Rome!"
- No!
- Moreno, let's not get carried away.
Excuse me?
Excuse me, we're closing.
- He says...
- Here.
Wait.
- What is it?
- I'll get it.
Here.
Here we go.
- What is it?
- There's a mistake.
- 6 million? There's a mistake.
- Are they mad? 6 million!
- 6 million!
- You're right, my mistake.
- See?
- Yeah.
I left off a Magnum,
of Dom Pérignon.
That'll be 8,400,000 lira.
- How is it 8 million?
- 4,200 euros.
Are you kidding?
Are you having us on?
Are you being serious?
I want to speak to the manager.
Non “hm
Here we joke about everything.
But money.
Mandrake's here!
Quit laughing, that's Renatino.
- Who?
- Renatino, the boss.
- I'm telling you.
- What we gonna do with you?
In there?
- Get out.
- Where?
- Yes, I'm good, relax.
- Calm down, quick.
We're here?
Just yesterday,
you were shitting yourselves in here.
Relax, you're only missing
5,200,000 lira.
- Keep walking, come on.
- Giuseppe, Christ, say something.
- I have a heart condition.
- Come on.
- Something helpful.
- Right, helpful.
OK, can I suggest a deferment?
With interest, of course.
We could agree a reasonable rate.
- You think I offer loans?
- Of course not, Signor Renatino.
- How do you know my name?
- I don't know.
Who are you? Who sent you?
- Cops? That politico, Andreotti?
- Andreotti's dead.
No one sent us,
I'm just a huge admirer.
- You know who I am?
- Of course, everyone knows.
- How does everyone know?
- You're becoming famous, Renatino.
- They're making a movie.
- Yeah, they called in Al Pacino.
"Scarf ace" is coming out soon.
We'll get you your money,
give us a few days.
- Ok, sure. You've got 36 hours.
- Ok.
Tomorrow, we'll be here
watching the Brazil game.
When the whistle goes,
if you're not back, you're dead.
Of course.
Jinan-Mom
- Let's go.
- Thanks.
- Goodbye.
- Where the fuck are you going?
- To get your money.
- "To get my money"?
- Dollookootbyou?
- No.
- Howullbomyuwnwm
- We won't, we're men of our word.
- Absolutely.
We're all men of our word here.
No, don't worry.
Hey, aren't you happy?
We can be friends.
Go.
A minute late
and we'll shoot him in the mouth.
Get out of the fucking way.
- I didn't understand.
- He said "fuck off".
Thanks, guys. On you 90.
Good luck.
Poor Peppino.
- 5 million... What are we gonna do?
- We'll come up with something.
- How?
- We'll do it.
But first you need see the whore,
get your ring back
and take it to the pawnshop.
Then sell yesterday's purchases.
We'll never do it,
Gianfranco was right.
We should have gone back,
that's it.
Gianfranco.
Look out.
- What is it?
- Come on.
I'm just walking.
Oh, my back!
I hate getting old.
- Look, it's just as it was.
- No, it just is 1982.
Then it'll become a kebab shop.
A crap one, at that.
- Oolmon.lookbrhb¢t.
- Where are you going? It's here.
- Here, you say?
I don't say, I know. In fact...
Here!
- Ah, shit!
- Stop, stop!
Do you realise who they are?
Of course. It's us.
- Let us through!
- Stop right there!
You have so much beautiful hair now.
You'll lose it all as you get older,
you'll be bald. Happy?
You can't even see yourself, Giuseppe.
- Help! Run, Moreno!
- Stop!
- Leave him. Already a chicken.
- Run!
- I was a sensitive child.
- What?
- Giuseppe, run!
- Stop right there!
I'll beat him
if you don't give me the box.
- Who cares?
- Good point, who are you talking to?
I may have been a coward,
but you were a scumbag.
Hey, Giuseppe!
- Give me that!
- I got it first!
- Let it go!
- Give me it!
- Stop!
- The Sucker!
- Don't call me that.
- Gianfranco.
That's my savings.
Moreno, you're a thief.
- We're not friends anymore.
- Like I care!
- Stop him!
- Come here!
Who are you? His accomplices?
His accomplices?
No, we were trying
to get your money back.
- You make me laugh.
- It was him that took them!
Dad!
- Don't call your dad!
- Shut up!
Aren't you Gianfranco,
the one who needs a Commodore 64?
Who are you?
Who am I?
My name is Jobs.
- Steve Jobs.
- Look at that.
And what do you want from me?
I want your mind, because you,
my friend, are a freaking genius.
I came from the future
to speak to you.
- Yeah, me too.
- From the future?
From the future.
I crossed the Guns N' Roses bridge.
- Einstein-Rosen.
- Exactly.
Anyway, I need that money,
to buy my Commodore 64.
Again with the Commodore 64!
Can't you see it's a pile of crap?
I have a proposal.
I want to do business with you.
Look at this device.
It has everything you need.
Big Data.
"Making money by the shovelful",
you understand?
- Want to see? Here.
- Stop!
Can I pass it to you?
I'll pass it with my foot.
- Pass it on the floor.
- Would you shut up?
Pass it on the floor.
Listen to Steve Jobs.
Yes.
It's off.
- It's off.
- Hang on, I've got this.
You can charge it with this.
I'll pass this on the floor too,
I won't come over, it's OK.
Ready? Go!
What is it, a battery?
- A battery!
- A battery...
It's the olden days... You'll see.
No, I don't believe you. Dad!
- You're calling your dad?
- Put that down.
Are you crazy? Go!
What are you doing with that?
It's blocking traffic.
I need to paint a huge wall,
I need a big brush.
You don't need a big brush,
you need a great brush.
- Cinghiale brushes.
- What about my wife?
Of course I remembered.
Your birthday is tomorrow.
-100, 101...
- It's today?
Then, happy birthday! Hello?
What are you looking at?
Do I have something on my face?
Sorry, I wasn't looking.
- You, pay attention.
- I am.
What are you doing?
- Are you a doctor?
- No, I'm an accountant.
At my father-in-law's firm.
- I hope he pays you.
- Almost every month.
He says he'll make me partner soon.
As long as your friends make it.
For Christ's sake.
Citroen Dyane,
you can always say it's your wife's.
She's not answering.
- Get up.
- Right away.
Tell your father-in-law
to go to hell.
Words are for priests,
suck-ups and traitors.
I like things I can touch.
Paintings, statues, gold, your knee.
If you can't touch it,
it means it's not yours.
Like a woman who doesn't answer
when you call.
Exactly.
It's a lack of respect.
A bit like the tax man.
Always leaves you on hold,
listening to that music,
until you lose the connection.
- They do it on purpose.
- Yes.
It really drives me mad.
Exactly, Signor Renatino,
but that's how it is.
Then the tiniest little mistake
and you have to pay, plus interest.
- And you can't say anything.
- And you can't say anything.
Her birthday...
How can I remember everything?
You're right,
you can't remember everything.
There's nothing for it,
you have to go in person.
You're right! I need to go in person.
If not, you'll be left
with your pants down.
- What did you say to me?
- What did I say?
You said: "Pants down.'
You know: caught out.
- You're coming with me.
- Where?
Here she is.
- What a figure.
- Be good.
- Focus.
- Those legs.
I want to go in.
Go, go on, get moving.
Mar-mm
Yes, what?
I don't get it.
- Did you call me?
- No.
- OK.
- Go!
Duracell lasts longer.
- Happy birthday to me.
- Switched on for an hour.
They're all powered
by zinc carbon batteries, bar one.
- Happy birthday, dear idiot.
- They all stop, bar him.
Happy birthday to me.
Duracell lasts five times longer.
Copper and black,
Duracell lasts longer.
- Hello.
- What are you doing here?
- I came for my ring.
- Who gave you my address?
If my boyfriend sees, he'll kill you.
Come on, quickly.
Come in? I'll come in.
Beautiful house! Simple, beautiful.
Thanks, I take pride in it.
I brought you a little cadeau.
- A cadeau?
- A little gift.
- How sweet, thank you.
- You're welcome, it's nothing.
"P-I-J " Is it French?
Is it French? No.
I mean, yeah it's French.
- Make yourself comfortable.
- Is that OK?
- Sure.
- Thanks, this ok
- So?
- Here we are.
- What's with all the rush?
- The rush...
You won't believe this,
but I'm desperate.
If I don't find 5 million by tomorrow,
they'll kill my friend.
- And you want to use your ring?
- I need to do something.
Obviously it's not nice for Serena,
but I have to do something, you know?
You're so sweet and considerate.
If I had the 5 million,
I'd wire it to you now.
- But times are hard...
- Of course.
- I'll go get the ring.
- Thank you.
- If you're hungry, take a slice.
- I'd love a little slither, thanks.
- Happy birthday again.
- Where is it?
Anyway, those pills, they worked a treat!
Sorted me right out.
Yes, my wife always says they...
- Ah, here it is.
- Oh shit!
- What happened here?
- I'm sorry.
She's not answering the phone,
but she's home, the little...
- Now that's done.
- I apologise again about the cake.
Don't worry about it.
Come on, take off that shirt.
- My shirt?
- Yeah.
Here. Thanks again.
The trousers, too, come on.
Come on, you men,
you can't do anything yourselves.
But, it's a bit embarrassing...
Done, one... two. Here.
Cute little song, how'd it go?
And then you can make it up,
I don't remember the words.
Is it that band, "Ricchi e Poveri"?
I don't know it.
No, but in a few years
everyone will be singing it.
Good!
And then sing what you like.
- Sweet.
- As you like it.
- I knew it, there's a man!
- No!
Signor Renatino, sorry to interject,
but it looks more like a silhouette,
of a mannequin.
- See how still it is?
- Amannequin? But...
See? Not moving.
It's a mannequin.
- I see it.
- It's still, not moving.
What are you doing here?
Sebastiano's inside.
- What is he doing?
- Hey.
What's up with you?
You're out of breath.
No, it's just my heart
I'm supposed to take nebivolol.
It's just you don't have it here yet.
Here? What?
Here on the west side of Rome.
You're odd, Giuseppe.
Really odd, I don't get you.
All done.
Thank you.
Sebastiano...
- What's happening here?
- I don't know, I don't...
I can't.
There's a man in there.
- There's a man in there.
- I thought it was a mannequin?
Mannequins don't move, Giuseppe,
mannequins stay still.
- Come on.
- OK.
Warn Sebastiano.
I'm coming.
H ow?
- Hey!
- Who is it?
Come on!
- I get it.
- They'll kill you, go!
- You don't like me.
- What do you want?
What do you mean what do I want?
What do you want... me to say?
I've never cheated on Serena.
That's how it is.
You're just so sweet,
polite, respectful!
Oh God, who is it?
Open the door,
before I break it down.
- Now!
- It's my boyfriend.
We haven't done anything,
we'll just explain.
You don't get it.
Whoever's there,
I'll cut out his guts and eat them.
Let me check out the terrace.
- Hi sweetheart.
- Hello.
Who were you with, you snake?
- No one!
- Who were you with?
It's better that you tell me
than Ifind myself.
- Renatino.
- I'm warning you, I'm totally calm.
Before I shoot you,
tell me where he is...
- Excuse...
- Shut it.
- Where the fuck is he?
- I'm alone!
I'll tear the house apart.
I paid for it anyway.
You're alone? Liar!
Christ, I'm gonna rip your head off.
Where is he?
- Sorry, could I...
- What do you want?
I'd like to point out the mannequin,
just as I pointed out before.
- So?
- Could we be mistaken?
- I don't make mistakes
- Of course not.
Get out of my way.
Come out, you bastard!
I'll rip your arms off!
- Where are you?
- Has he gone?
I'll sort him out, OK?
Calm down, my love, please.
OK, I'm calm.
Tell me there's no one but me.
- There's no one but you.
- Just me, right.
What was the silhouette
I saw from outside?
It was the mannequin!
He was right, your ugly friend.
- Now calm down.
- OK, I'm calm.
OK, good, good.
Good, that helps.
Just a mannequin, good.
I know, sometimes I get carried away.
But it's because I love her.
I love my wife, Giuseppe,
but it's like she's a relative.
Sabrina reminds me what it's like
to be a real man.
That's why I get mad
and a tiny bit jealous.
Because I can't tame her, you know?
And I can never be there,
there's work to be done.
It's tough being the boss.
But what would you know?
- Are you listening?
- Huh?
- Yes, Signor Renatino.
- Quit with all this "Signore".
I've come to like you today,
well done.
- You're clear.
- What? I'm going forwards.
We can't even afford a sandwich
in this place.
- I know.
- I need to convince Renatino.
- To kill all three of us?
- What are you on about?
It's psychology,
I can read these people.
- And what is it you're reading?
- I know how to reason with them.
You read a couple of books
and think you know it all.
"They killed him here,
and him there."
"He snorts this stuff,
he hides treasure here."
What do you really know?
- Nothing.
- The treasure.
- You're not such a moron after all.
- What?
Where are you going?
What if the priest turns up?
What priest? Come on. Shh!
- See that wall?
- Yes. And?
If I've worked this out right...
- You pull the candle, then what?
- Look.
Fusaia let this slip in questioning.