Noises Off... (1992) - full transcript

Lloyd Fellowes is the director of a theatre company. He's desperately trying to get his production together, despite the best efforts of the cast, the crew, and Lady Luck. We follow the production from final rehersals, through opening night, and onto the tour: as with any group of actors forced to work closely together for any great length of time, romances and arguments are bound to break out. Quite often, what's happening on stage is nothing compared to what's happening backstage....

♪ Don't bring a frown

♪ to old Broadway

♪ you've got a clown
on Broadway ♪

♪ And your troubles there

♪ are out of style

♪ 'cause Broadway
always wears a smile ♪

♪ And a million lights

♪ they flicker there

♪ a million hearts beat

♪ quicker there

♪ no skies are gray
on the great white way ♪

♪ 'Cause that's
the Broadway melody ♪

♪ A million lights

♪ they flicker there

♪ and a million hearts beat

♪ quicker there

♪ no skies are gray
on the great white way ♪

♪ 'Cause that's
the Broadway melody ♪

♪ That's the Broadway melody

Curtain's going up.

Curtain is going up!
Curtain's going up.

A big Broadway opening.

Everybody who's anybody in New York
is inside this theater tonight.

Everybody but one man.

This man. Me!

Lyle, where are you going?
Didn't you direct this?

I just have to...

- One of two things.
- Get out of this theater.

Mr. Fellows,
anything wrong with your seat?

- It's facing the stage.
- No, just go ahead.

It's gonna be a disaster.
I can't just sit and watch.

Five seconds, and we still
haven't got a laugh.

I'm not running away. I'm just
not a person who gets a kick

out of watching
an automobile crash...

Particularly when
it's my automobile.

Must be the worst catastrophe
Broadway's ever seen.

They'll forget their lines,
the set will fall down.

None of us will
get out of New York alive.

They've got big pictures
of us in the lobby.

I'll get on a plane.
I should've got on a plane

when we first opened
in Des Moines.

I should've got on a plane
before we opened in Des Moines.

I should've got on a plane
at the dress rehearsal,

as soon as that curtain went up
at the beginning of act I.

As soon as that damn phone
rang, and Dotty came on

with that first
plate of sardines.

Hold your horses.

Lord love a duck.

Shut up, I'm on my way.

It's no good you going on.

I can't open sardines
and answer the phone.

I've only got one pair of feet.

Hello?

Yes, but there's
no one here, love.

No, Mr. Brent's not here.

He lives here, yes, but he don't live
here now because he lives in Spain.

Mr. Philip Brent,
the one that writes the plays,

only now he writes them
in Spain.

No, she's in Spain, too.
They're all in Spain.

Am I in Spain?
No, I'm not in Spain, dear.

I look after the house
for them,

only I go home at 1:00
on Wednesdays.

So that's where I am.

No, because I got a nice plate of
sardines to put me feet up with.

And they got color here
and it's the royal...

What's it called?
You know, the horse race.

Where's the paper now?
If it's about letting the house,

then you'll have to ring the house agents
'cause they're the agents for the house.

Squire, squire, hack ham
and who's the other one...

No, they're not in Spain.
They're next to the phone in the study.

Squire, squire, hack ham and...

Hold on, I'll go and look.
Always the same, isn't it?

Soon as you take
the weight off your feet,

down it all comes
on your head.

And I take the sardines.

No, I leave the sardines.

No, I take the sardines.

You leave the sardines

and hang up the phone.

Yes, right. I hang up...
The phone.

And you leave the sardines.

I leave the sardines?

You leave the sardines.

I hang up the phone
and I leave the sardines?

Right!

We've changed that,
have we, dear?

- No, dear.
- That's what I've always done?

I wouldn't say that,
Dotty, my precious.

How about the words, dear?
Am I getting some of them right?

Some of them have
a very familiar ring.

It's like a slot machine
up here.

I know that, Dotty.

I open my mouth and I never know
what's going to come out.

Three oranges or
two lemons and a banana.

Anyway, it's not midnight yet.
And we don't open till tomorrow.

You're holding the receiver.

I'm holding the receiver.

"Squire, squire, hack ham."
And "hold on." And noises off.

Squire, squire, hack ham
and hold on, don't go away.

I'm hanging up the phone.
Always the same, isn't it?

Put your feet up
for two minutes

and they all come
running after you.

Hold it!

My housekeeper, yes,
but this is her afternoon off.

Hold it, Larry. Dotty!

We've got the place
to ourselves.

- Wow!
- Hold it, Brooke.

Dotty!!

Come back?

Yes, and go out again
with the newspaper.

The newspaper?

Oh, the newspaper.

Hang up the phone,
you leave the sardines

and you go out
with the newspaper.

- Here you are.
- Sorry, hon.

Don't worry about it.
It's just the tech rehearsal.

It's the dress rehearsal,
Garry, hon.

When was the tech rehearsal?

When's the dress?
We open tomorrow.

We're all thinking of it
as the tech, aren't we?

- It's all those words.
- Don't worry about the words!

And that accent.
It's coming out like oranges and lemons.

Your words are fine. They're better than the...
You know what I mean.

- Isn't that right?
- Sorry?

OK, so he's the... fine!

But, dear, you've been
playing this kind of part for...

Jesus, you know what I mean!

So Garry and Brooke are off.
Dotty is holding the receiver.

No, but here we are.
We're all thinking, "my god, we open tomorrow.

"We had two weeks to rehearse.
We don't know where we are, but here we are!"

That's right, sweetie!
Isn't it?

Beautifully put.

We've got to play Des Moines
this week, then Pittsburgh,

and then god knows where, and where
else, and so on, for god knows how long.

We're all feeling
pretty much...

- Aren't you?
- Sorry?

Anyway, you're off
and Dotty's holding the phone.

Sometimes you have
to come right out with it.

- I know.
- Thanks, Lloyd.

So, you're off.

Let me just say one thing,
since we've stopped.

I've worked with a lot of directors.
Some were geniuses, some were bastards,

but I've never met one who was
so totally and absolutely,

I don't know...

Thank you, I'm very touched.

Now will you get off
the fucking stage?

- And Brooke?
- Yes?

- Are you in?
- In?

- Are you there?
- What?

You're out. OK.
I'll call again.

And on we go. So there you are
holding the receiver.

There I am holding the receiver.
I hang up, I leave the sardines.

- Always the same story.
- And you take the newspaper.

I take the newspaper.
I leave the sardines.

Always the same story.
It's a weight off your mind,

it's a load off your stomach.
And off I go at last.

Leaving the receiver.

My housekeeper, yes, but...

And, noises off.

Stage!

My housekeeper, yes,
but this is her afternoon off.

We've got the place
entirely to ourselves.

I'll just check.

Hello? Anyone at home?

No, there's no one here.
So, what do you think?

Great. And this is all yours?

Just a little shack
in the woods really.

- Converted mill, 16th century.
- Must've cost a bomb.

One has to have somewhere
to entertain associates.

Someone coming at 4:00, in fact.
Arab, oil, you know.

I've got to get those files to
our basing-stoke office by 4:00.

Yes, we'll only just manage to fit it in.
I mean, we'll only just do it.

- Right.
- We won't bother to chill the champagne.

- All these doors!
- Just a handful, really.

Study, kitchen and a service
flat for the housekeeper.

- Terrific. Which one's the...
- What?

- You know.
- Through here.

Fantastic.

Now I've lost the sardines.

I'm sorry, I thought
there was no one here.

I'm not here, I'm off.
Only it's the royal.

The horse race, where they wear
those hats all covered in fruit.

- And who are you?
- I'm from the agents.

- Squire, squire, hack ham and Dudley.
- Which one are you, then?

I'm Tramplemain.

Walking in here as if you own the place!
I thought you was a burglar.

No, I just dropped in
to go into a few things.

To check some measurements.
Do one or two odd jobs.

And I'm showing
a prospective tenant the house.

- What's wrong with this door?
- She's thinking of renting it.

Her interest is
definitely roused.

- That's not the bedroom.
- The bedroom?

No, that's the downstairs
bathroom and W.C. Suite.

This is the housekeeper,
Mrs. Crockett.

- Clackett, dear.
- She's not really here.

- Only it's the color.
- It's the royal.

- It's black and white at home.
- Don't worry about us.

I'll have the sound on low.

- We'll just inspect the house.
- Now I've lost the newspaper.

- Sardines!
- I'm sorry about this.

That's all right. We don't want
the television, do we?

Sardines!

I forgot the sardines.

Lloyd! These damn sardines.

We gotta do something about
them. We can't go on like this.

- Can't go on like what, Garry?
- It's all right for you.

But we've got to work with these sardines.
We all feel the same, don't we?

- Sorry?
- The sardines.

- What sardines?
- We're working our asses off.

And there are four plates of
sardines coming on in act I alone.

You want something instead of
sardines, is that what you're saying?

You want Poppy
to mash up some banana?

We don't want four plates
of mashed banana.

We're changing the sardines.

- We're not angry at you.
- No, we think the sardines are lovely.

I'd be perfectly happy
with the sardines if you were.

I am if you are, hon.

What exactly are you saying?

Simply this. Here we are
busting our guts, and Christ!

- I see. You got that, Poppy?
- Um, well...

Right and on we go
from Dotty's exit. And Poppy?

- Don't let this happen again.
- Oh, no.

I just thought
we should get that straight.

- As long as Dotty's happy.
- Absolutely happy.

Would you do something for me?

Anything, sweetheart.

Take the sardines off with you.

- I'm sorry about this.
- That's all right.

We don't want
the television, do we?

She's been in the family
for generations.

Great. Come on, then. I have to
be in basing-stoke by 4:00.

Perhaps we should just
have champagne.

We'll take it up with us.
Don't let my files out of sight.

- No, only...
- What?

She has been in the family
for generations.

Sardines, sardines...

It's not for me to say of
course, dear, only I will.

Take the plunge,
you'll really enjoy it here.

- Great.
- Won't she, love?

- Yes.
- And we'll enjoy having you.

- Won't we, love?
- Terrific.

Sardines! Can't put your feet up
on an empty stomach, can you?

See? She thinks it's great.
She's even making us sardines.

I think she's terrific.

- Terrific.
- So, which way?

All right, before she comes back
with the sardines.

- Up here?
- Yes.

- In here?
- Yes!

Another bathroom! Always trying
to get me in the bathroom.

- I mean, in here.
- Ooh!

- A black sheet.
- That's the linen closet.

This one!

- You're in a real state.
- Come on, then.

You can't even
get the door open.

This is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.
We've got the place entirely to ourselves.

Look at it.

Hold it!

And god said, "hold it!"

And they held it, and god saw
that it was terrible.

- Sorry, the door won't open.
- Sorry, this door won't close.

And god said, "Poppy!"

Am I doing something wrong?

- I'm stupid about doors.
- You're doing it perfectly.

As long as it wasn't me
that broke it.

And there was Poppy.

And god said,
"be fruitful and multiply.

- "Fetch Tim to fix the doors."
- God, I love tech rehearsals.

She loves tech rehearsals.
Isn't she just... where's Dotty?

- Everyone's always so nice.
- Isn't she... she really is.

Belinda's being all you know.

Don't you like
a nice all-night tech rehearsal?

Only thing I like about them is
you get to sit on the furniture.

Freddie, it's so good to see you
cheering up and making jokes.

Was that a joke?

This is such a nice company to
work with. Such a happy company.

Wait till we get to Broadway
in six months.

- If.
- Wait till Cleveland in three months.

Lloyd, are you all right?

I'm starting to know what god felt like
when he sat in darkness creating the world.

What did he feel like?

Very pleased
he'd taken his valium.

He had six days, of course.
We've only got six hours.

And god said, "where the hell is
Tim?" And there the hell was Tim.

"Let there be doors that open when they
open, and close when they close."

- Do something?
- Doors!

- I was getting bananas for the sardines.
- Doors!

I bet god had a stage manager
who understood english, too.

- That door won't close.
- And the bedroom won't...

- Right.
- He hasn't been to bed for 48 hours.

Don't worry, Tim. Only another 24
hours and it'll be the end of the day.

Look, he's come down to earth
amongst us.

Since we've stopped anyway...
It took two days to put the set up.

So we shan't have time
for dress rehearsal.

- What?!
- Don't worry.

Think of the first night
as the dress rehearsal.

If we can just get through
the play once tonight

for doors and sardines,
that's what it's all about.

Doors and sardines.

Getting on, getting off,
getting the sardines on and off.

That's farce. That's the theater.
That's life.

God, you're so deep.

So just keep going.
Bang bang bang.

Bang you're on, bang you
said it, bang you're off.

Everything will be perfectly...
Where's Selsdon?

- Oh, god!
- Selsdon?

- I thought he was with you.
- I thought he was round the back with you.

Is Mr. Mowbray
in his dressing room?

I don't think he would.
Not during a tech rehearsal.

- Would who?
- We can't find Selsdon.

- I'm sure he wouldn't.
- Half a chance, he would.

Would what?

Now come on, people, be fair.
We don't know.

- Don't jump to conclusions.
- Get the understudy ready. Tim?

Hurry up with those doors.
You're going on for Selsdon.

Oh. Right.

He should never have been let
out of our sight. I said that!

He's been good
all through rehearsal.

Because in the rehearsal hall
it was all... know what I mean?

- You could see everyone.
- Here, it's all...

Split in two.

There's a front and a back.
Instantly, we've lost him.

- He's not in his dressing room.
- Did you look in the bathroom?

- The prop room, the paint shop?
- Yes.

- You've worked with him before.
- Call the police.

Door finished? Get the gear on.
I'm sorry, my precious.

No, it's my fault, my love.

- I cast him.
- Give him one last chance, I said.

What could I do? We did summer
stock together when I was a kid.

It's my fault.
I should never have left you.

This tour isn't just for her.
This is her life savings.

- We know that.
- I'm not out to make a fortune.

- Of course not.
- We know that.

- I just wanted to put something away.
- We know.

Something to buy a little house.
That's not so much to ask.

- Don't blame yourself.
- Sorry?

- I won't let you cry.
- I've got something behind my lens.

You couldn't expect Brooke
to keep an eye on anyone.

He was standing right there
in the orchestra. I saw him.

Who are we talking about now?

It's all right,
we know you can't see anything.

Do you mean Selsdon? I'm not
blind, I can see Selsdon.

Selsdon!

- He's been here all the time.
- Standing there like Hamlet's father.

You really surprised us.
We thought you were...

- Not there.
- Where have you been?

- Are you all right?
- Speak to us.

- Is it a party?
- Is it a party?!

How killing. I got it into my head
there was going to be a rehearsal.

I was having a little postprandial
snooze at the side of the stall

so to be ready
for the rehearsal.

- Isn't he lovely?
- Much lovelier now that we can see him.

- What are we celebrating?
- What are we celebrating?!

Tim, you look strained.
You're not trying to do too much, are you?

I can't find the gear.
I've looked all through his wardrobe.

- Oh.
- Beer? In the wardrobe?

No, Selsdon.
Tim, you need a break.

Why don't you sit down quietly
upstairs and do the company payroll?

I'll just do the bananas first.

He has been on his feet
for 48 hours.

Don't fall down.
We may not be insured.

What's next on the bill?

I thought we might try
a spot of rehearsal.

- I won't, thank you.
- You won't?

You all go ahead.
I'll just sit and watch.

- It's the beer in the wardrobe?
- No, he wants us to rehearse.

Yes, but we've got
to rehearse, haven't we?

Rehearse, yes, well done.
I knew you'd think of something.

Right, from Belinda
and Freddie's entrance.

What's happened now?

- The police.
- The police?

They found an old man lying
unconscious across the street.

- Thank you.
- They say he's very dirty and smelly.

I thought, "oh, my god" because
when you get close to Selsdon...

No, I mean, if you stand
anywhere near Selsdon,

you can't help noticing
this distinctive...

I'll tell you something. Once you get
it in your nostrils you never forget it.

Sixty years now, and the smell
of the theater still haunts me.

- Bless him.
- Tell me, love.

How did you get a job like this that
requires tact and understanding?

You're not somebody's
girlfriend, are you?

Don't worry,
he truly did not hear.

- Not here?
- Yes, there.

- Sit down, darling.
- Go back to sleep.

You're not on
for another 20 pages.

I might go back to sleep.
I'm not on for another 20 pages.

And on we go. Dotty in the
kitchen, wildly roasting sardines.

Garry and Brooke
ascending the stairs.

Freddie and Belinda
waiting outside the front door.

Time sliding irrevocably
into the past.

Aren't they sweet?

- Garry and Dotty. Shh!
- You mean they're...

- It's a secret.
- But she's old enough to be...

- Shh!
- Tramplemain and Mrs. Clackett?

- Didn't you know?
- I'm just god.

The one with the english degree.
I don't know anything.

- What's happening?
- You tell me.

What are we waiting for?

I don't know.
Her 18th birthday?

- What?
- Or maybe just the cue. Brooke!

"You can't even
get the door open."

- You can't even get the door open.
- Door closed, Garry.

You can't even
get the door open.

But this is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.
We've got the place entirely to ourselves.

- Look at it.
- Do you like it?

I can't believe it.

- The perfect place for an assignation.
- Home.

Our secret hideaway.

The last place on earth
anyone will look for us.

- Funny creeping in like this.
- It's damn serious.

If inland revenue find out we're
in the country even for one night,

bang goes our claim to be resident abroad.
Bang goes most of this year's income.

- I feel like an illegal immigrant.
- I know what I feel like.

- Champagne?
- I wonder if Mrs. Clackett's aired the beds.

- Darling...!
- Why not?

No children, no friends
dropping in. We're on our own.

True.

There is something to be said
for being a tax exile.

Leave those.

Shh!

- What?
- Inland revenue may hear us.

What I did with that first lot
of sardines, I shall never know.

Mrs. Clackett!

You've given me a turn.
My heart jumped out of me boots.

- So did mine.
- We thought you'd gone.

I thought you was in Spain.

- We are.
- You haven't seen us.

- We're not here.
- Like that, is it?

- The income tax after you?
- They would be if they knew we were here.

All right. You're not here.
I haven't seen you.

Anybody asks for you,
I don't know nothing.

- Off to bed?
- Well...

That's right. Nowhere like bed
when they all get on top of you.

You'll want your things, look.

Yes, thanks.

- That bed hasn't been aired.
- I'll get a hot-water bottle.

I put all your letters
in the study, dear.

What letters? You forward
all the letters, don't you?

Not ones from the income tax.
Don't want to ruin your holiday.

- Oh, my god. Where are they?
- In the little pigeon house.

In your desk, love.

- Yes, but I could hear voices.
- What sort of voices?

- Hold it. What's wrong?
- You know how stupid I am about moves.

Sorry, Garry. Sorry, Brooke.
It's just my usual dimness.

Why do I take this into the study?
Wouldn't it be more natural if I left it?

No.

I just thought it might be
more logical.

No.

I know it's late in the day
to go into this, but...

No, we've got several
more minutes before we open.

Thank you. As long as
we're not too rushed..

I've never understood why he carries in
a bag and groceries to look at his mail.

They have to be out of the way
for my next scene.

And Selsdon needs them in the
study for his next scene.

- I see that.
- Selsdon. Is he there?

- Am I on?
- No.

I thought I heard my voice.

Go back to sleep.
You're not on for 10 pages yet.

- I see all that.
- Oh, no.

- I just don't know why I take them.
- Why does anyone do anything?

Why does that other idiot go out
holding two plates of sardines?

I'm not getting at you, love.

Of course not. Why do I?
Jesus, when you think about it, why do I?

- Who knows?
- You see, Freddie..

The wellsprings of human action
are deep and cloudy.

Maybe something happened to you
when you were a very small child

that made you frightened
to let go of groceries.

Or it could be genetic.

Or it could be, you know...

- Could well be.
- Of course, thank you.

- I understand all that.
- I'm telling you, I don't know.

I don't think the author knows.

I don't know why the author
came into this industry.

I don't know why any of us
came into it.

If you could just give me
a reason I could keep in mind...

All right,
I'll give you a reason.

You carry those groceries
into the study

because it's just
slightly after midnight.

And we're not going to be finished
before we open tomorrow night.

Correction.
Before we open tonight!

And on we go.

From after Freddie's exit
with groceries.

Lloyd, calm down. His wife
left him this morning.

Oh.

Freddie.

I think the point is
you had a great fright

when she mentions income tax.

And you felt very insecure
and exposed.

And you wanted something
familiar to hold onto.

Thank you, Lloyd.

- Bless you, darling.
- And on we merrily go.

"Yes, but I could hear voices."

Yes, but I could hear voices.

- What sort of voices?
- People's voices.

- But there's no one here.
- I saw the door handle moving.

Could be someone checking up.

I still don't see why you've got
to put your tie on to look.

Mrs. Clockett!

- She's been in the family for generations.
- She's opened the sardines.

Come back. I'll fetch them.
You can't go down like that.

- Why not?
- Mrs. Crackett!

- She's irreplaceable.
- Sardines here, sardines there.

It's like a
Sunday school outing.

You're still poking around?

- Still poking. Well, still around.
- In the linen closet?

No.

Yes, checking the sheets and pillowcases.
Going through the inventory.

- Mrs. Blackett.
- Clackett, dear.

Is there anyone else
in the house?

- I hadn't seen no one, dear.
- I heard voices.

- There's no voices here, love.
- I must've imagined it.

Oh, my god.

I beg your pardon?

- Oh, my god.
- Why? What is it?

Oh, my god.
The study door's open.

- Oh, my god.
- What?

There's another car outside.
That's not Mr. Hackham's or Mr. Dudley's.

Nothing but flapping doors
in this house.

"Final notice... steps will be taken...
foreclosure... Proceedings in court."

That reminds me. A gentleman
come about the house.

- Don't tell me. I'm not here.
- He says he's got a lady quite aroused.

- Leave all that to the agents.
- Then I'll let them go all over, shall I?

Let them do anything, just don't
tell anyone we're here.

I'll just sit down
and turn on the...

Sardines. I've forgotten
the sardines.

I don't know. If it wasn't fixed to my
shoulders, I'd forget what day it was.

I didn't get this. I'm in Spain.
But if I didn't get it, I didn't open it.

Darling, I never had
a dress like this, did I?

Didn't you?

I shouldn't buy anything this tarty.
It's not something you gave me, is it?

- Never should have touched it.
- It's lovely.

Stick it down and put it back.
Never saw it.

I'll put it in the attic with the other things
you gave me that are too precious to wear.

All right. Now the study door's
open again. What's going on?

Knocking.

Upstairs.

Oh, my god, there's something
in the linen closet.

- It's you.
- Of course it's me.

You put me in there in the dark
with black sheets and things.

- Why did you lock the door?
- Why did you lock the door?

- I didn't lock the door.
- Someone locked the door.

- We can't stand here like this.
- Like what?

- In your underwear.
- OK, I'll take it off.

In here.

- Darling...
- Hold it.

This glue. It's not
that special quick-drying sort?

- Hold it.
- Oh.

- Mrs. Clackett's made sardines.
- Hold it.

- We have a problem.
- Which one is it this time?

- Left.
- It's the left one, everybody.

Left one!

- It could be anywhere.
- Could've gone over the thing then bounced.

Where'd you last see it?

- She didn't. It was in her eye.
- Probably on "why did I lock the door?"

She opens her eyes, very...
I always feel I should rush forward.

Careful where you put your feet.

Everyone look under their feet.

No one move their feet.

Everyone, put your feet back
exactly where they were.

Pick up your feet one at a time.

Brooke, is this going to happen
during the performance?

We don't want the audience
to miss their last buses.

- She'll just keep going, won't you?
- Can she see without them?

- Can she hear without them?
- Sorry?

- Ow!
- You stepped on his hand.

- Look at Freddie, poor thing.
- Excuse me.

- What's the matter?
- He just has a nose bleed.

- No one touched him.
- He has a thing about violence.

- It makes his nose bleed.
- Where's he gone?

- He has a thing about blood.
- I thought you said something to me.

Go and hit the box office
manager with this

and you'll have finished off
live theater in Des Moines.

- Anyway, I found it.
- She's found it.

- Where was it?
- In my eye.

- Her eye?
- Nice going, sweetie.

- Not in your left eye.
- Yes, it had gone around the side.

I knew it hadn't gone far.

- Are you all right?
- I think so.

Clear the stage. Walking wounded,
carry the stretcher cases.

Are you all right?

I just have a thing about...
I won't say the word.

- We all understand, my love.
- On we bloodily stagger.

Sorry, Freddie, I'll rephrase
that. On we blindly stumble.

Brooke, I withdraw that.
From your exit...

Where's Selsdon?

I think she might have dropped
it out here somewhere.

Good, keep looking.
Only another five pages.

"Anyway, we can't stand here
like this."

"Like what?" "In your underwear."
"OK, I'll take it off."

In here.

Darling, this glue.

It's not that special
quick-drying sort, is it?

Oh. Mrs. Clackett's
made us some sardines.

- Now what?
- A hot-water bottle. I didn't put it there.

I didn't put it there.

Someone's in the bathroom
filling water bottles.

Is something creepy going on?

Darling, are you coming to bed
or aren't you?

- What did you say?
- I didn't say anything.

First the door handle,
now the water bottle.

I can feel goose pimples
all over.

- Get something round you.
- Get the covers over our heads.

What did I do with the sardines?
You, wait here.

You hear all sorts of funny
things about these old houses.

This one has been
extensively modernized.

I can't see how anything creepy
would survive central heating.

What? What is it?

What's happening?

The sardines. They've gone!

Perhaps there is
something funny going on.

- I'm going to get into bed.
- I put them there. Or was it there?

I suppose Mrs. Sprockett
must've taken them away again.

- Bag!
- What?

- What is it?
- Bag!

- Bag?
- Bag, bag!

- What do you mean bag, bag?
- Bag, bag, bag!

What bag?

- No bag.
- No bag?

Your bag.
Suddenly here, now gone.

- I put it in the bedroom.
- Don't go in there.

- The box! They've both gone.
- My files!

What's happening?
Where's Mrs. Spratchett?

- Wait in the bedroom.
- No.

- Get dressed, then.
- I am not going in there.

I'll fetch your dress out here.

- Your dress is gone!
- Augghh!

Don't panic.

There's a rational explanation
for all this.

Mrs. Splotchett will tell us
what's happening. You wait here.

You can't stand here looking
like that. Wait in the study.

Study, study!

Roger, there's something
in there. Where are you?

Darling, I know this is
going to sound silly, but...

If we're not going to bed, I'm
going to clear out the attic.

I can't come to bed.
I'm glued to a tax demand.

Why don't you
put the sardines down?

- I'm stuck to the sardines.
- Don't play the fool.

Get that bottle marked poison
in the downstairs loo.

It eats through anything.

I've heard of being stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous.

Selsdon.

You're on. We're there.
The moment's arrived.

It's all right, he's coming.

There should be an arm coming through
the window even before Freddie's off.

Ah.

- Here it comes.
- No bars, no burglar alarms.

They ought to be prosecuted
for incitement.

Hold it, let's take it again.

Makes me want to weep.

- Hold it, Selsdon.
- I know they're all in Spain.

The old Turkey
in the kitchen told me so.

- Lloyd wants you to hold it.
- Stop, Selsdon, darling!

Like the band playing on
as the Titanic sank.

- Stop?
- Stop!

Thank you, Belinda.
Thank you, Poppy.

- My dad was nearly on the Titanic.
- He can hear better than I can.

- Beg your pardon?
- From your entrance.

It was before the war,
so crossing the Atlantic...

- Thank you. Poppy!
- Not for me. Stops me sleeping.

- Put the glass back.
- Come on again?

Right, only a shade earlier.
Like yesterday. Freddie!

Start moving as soon as Freddie
opens the door. What's the line?

"I've heard of getting stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous."

Start moving when you hear,
"I've heard of getting stuck with a problem.

"But this is ridiculous."

I want your arm
through the window. Right?

Say no more.
May I make just one suggestion?

What's that?

Would it be better
if I came on a little earlier?

Only there does seem to be
something of a hiatus

between Freddie's exit
and my entrance.

No, Selsdon.

Listen.
Don't worry, I've got it.

How about coming on
a little earlier?

Well. We're obviously thinking
along the same lines.

Am I putting him on
or is he putting me on?

Right, from your exit.

I've heard of getting stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous.

No bars, no burglar alarms.

They ought to be prosecuted
for incitement.

It makes me want to weep
when I think I used to do banks.

When I remember
I used to do bullion vaults.

What am I doing now?
Breaking into paper bags.

I know they're all in Spain 'cause the
old Turkey in the kitchen told me so.

And I know she's out 'cause I
saw her go through the front door

in her swimming costume.

Where is the front door?

Get the van loaded. No rush.
Only got all flaming afternoon.

What've they got to offer?
One microwave oven.

50 quid, hardly worth
lifting it.

Come here.

Junk, junk, junk.

Well yes, if you insist.

Now, where's his desk?
They all say the same thing.

It's hard to adjust
to retirement.

The prospective tenant
naturally wishes to know

if there's any previous history
of paranormal phenomena.

Yes, dear, everything's all nice
and paranormal here.

Has anything ever dematerialized before?
Has anything ever flown about?

No, the things move
themselves on their own.

See, just like they do
in any house.

I'll tell the
prospective tenant.

She is inspecting the study.

There's a man in there.

- There's no one in the house.
- Look!

- He's searching for something.
- I can't see no one.

You can't him? This is extraordinary.
Where's my prospective tenant?

I left her in there.
My prospective tenant has disappeared.

- My god!
- Now what?

- There.
- Where?

- The sardines.
- You can see them, can you?

I can see them. I can see
the way they're going, too.

I'm not letting them out of my hand.
But where's my prospective tenant?

I can see I'm going to be
opening sardines all night.

Been in and out of there
like a cuckoo on a clock.

- Vicki!
- He said "you're 70 years old."

"Time to hand over the ammonia
bottle to a younger man."

She can't have gone back
into the bedroom.

"I may be 70," I said,
"but I've still got all my wits about me."

He didn't have
an answer to that.

Vicki!

- If he did, I didn't hear it.
- Darling, where are you?

That stuff that eats through
anything doesn't eat through glue.

It just eats through trousers.
You don't think it eats through...

Listen, darling,
I better get these trousers off.

Darling, this is an emergency.
If it eats through absolutely anything...

I feel it. It's eating through
absolutely everything.

- There's something evil here.
- Oh... inland revenue!

- He's back.
- No, I'm not here.

- Oh, my god.
- I'm abroad.

- He's walking abroad.
- I must go.

- Stay!
- I'm not staying.

- Speak!
- Only in the presence of my lawyer.

Hold on, you're just an
intruder. An ordinary intruder.

Nice to meet you.
I mean, have a sardine.

No, you're not. You're some
kind of sex criminal.

You've done something to Vicki.
I'll come down and sort you out.

I see you've got some sardines.

- If there's nothing I can offer you...
- Police!

- ...I'll be running along.
- Come back!

Hello, police? Someone has
broken into my house.

Or rather, broken into
someone's house.

Yes, a sex criminal!
A young woman is missing.

It's in the garden now!
And it's a man.

The young woman has reappeared.
Are you all right?

- No! He almost saw me.
- He almost saw her!

No, but he's a burglar as well.
He's taken our things.

- The things are here.
- They've come back.

We're just missing
a plate of sardines.

- Here are the sardines.
- And we've found the sardines.

- This is the police?
- Yes.

You want the police here?
In my underwear?

So what am I saying? I'm saying,
let's say no more about it.

I thought something terrible
had happened to you.

- It has. I know him.
- You know him?

- He's dealt with by our office.
- He's just a sex criminal.

But he mustn't see me
like this.

You have to keep up standards
if you work for inland revenue.

- Well, put something on!
- I haven't got anything.

There must be something in the
bathroom. Bring the sardines.

I said, "when have I ever needed to run
off in the middle of a job to have a piddle

"except when some stupid berk
starts talking about it?"

Where is it?

Stay in there and don't come out
till you've got dressed.

I can't go around in front
of our taxpayers in this.

I knew I shouldn't have
brought the subject up.

Help! Where are you?

Just put it on.
It's a start at any rate.

I'll find a bottom. I'll find
a top. I'll find something.

There's someone in there.
It's him, it's him!

- Darling, such lovely things.
- Help!

Do you remember this old biscuit tin you
gave me on the first anniversary of...

- Who are you?
- It's his wife and dependent!

I've taken your dress off you.

Where have you been?
I've been going mad.

Look at the state I'm in.

I was just trying to explain to her
about inland revenue being after us,

and my fingers got stuck.

Don't keep waving that
in my face.

I'm trying to find something.
I'll look in the other room.

A pair of gold taps, anyway.
Oh, my god.

- Who are you?
- Doing the taps.

Tax? Income tax?

That's right. In come the new
taps, out go the old taps.

- Tax inspectors everywhere!
- Oh, my god!

Tin boxes flying about. There is
something funny going on here.

Are you dressed yet?

Darling, I've got the dress
stuck to my head now.

- A man!
- I'm just doing the taps.

Attacks? Not attacks on women?!

I'll try anything once, but I'll
do the taps on the bath first.

Sex criminals everywhere.

Where is Vicki?

People everywhere. I'm off.
Tax on women?

I don't know. They'll put a tax
on anything these days.

If I can't find her,
you'll be in trouble, you see.

- W.c.? I'll fix it.
- Vicki!

Augghh!

Sheik! I thought you were
coming at 4:00.

And this is your charming wife.

So, you want to see over
the house now, do you? Right.

Since you're upstairs already...

Him and his floozy! I'll break
this over their heads.

- Let's start downstairs.
- Who are these creatures?

I'm sorry about this.
I don't know who she is.

No connection with the house.
Whereas this lady with the sardines...

No other hands on my sardines.
This time I'm eating them.

...Is fully occupied, so perhaps the toilet
facilities would be of more interest.

Who are these people?

We get 'em all the time, love.
They're just Arab sheiks.

This is the downstairs bathroom
and w.C. Suite.

- Arab sheiks!
- Upstairs we have...

Ballcock, governor.
Your ballcocks have gone.

- We have him.
- They're Irish sheets.

- Irish linen sheets off my own bed.
- The thieving devils!

- In the study, however...
- Give me that!

There she stands in her smalls,
for all the world to see!

- You!
- It's her.

- It's my little girl.
- Dad!

It's my little Vicki that ran away
who I thought I'd never see again.

Would you believe it?

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here like that?

Me? I'm taking our files on tax evasion
to inland revenue in basing-stoke.

So where's my other sheet?

Ah! A house of heavenly peace.
I rent it.

- You?!
- Is it?

Sorry, Lloyd, my trousers
are around my ankles.

It's hard doing a quick change
without a dresser.

Get Tim to help you.

Where's Tim?

Come on, Tim. Tim!

- What?
- Oh, yes. You're acting.

- I dozed off down there.
- Never mind.

- Do something?
- No, let it pass.

We'll struggle through
on our own.

Tim has a sleep
behind the sofa

while all the rest of us run around
with our trousers round our ankles.

Freddie, from your entrance,
with trousers round ankles.

"So where's my other sheet?"

- Some other problem, Freddie?
- Since we're stopped anyway...

- Why did I ask?
- You know how stupid I am about plot.

- I know.
- Could I ask another dumb question?

All of my studies in world drama
lie at your disposal.

I don't understand why the sheik
just happens to look like Philip.

Because he comes in and we think he's...
you know. I mean, that's the joke.

- I see that.
- The rest of the plot depends on it.

But it is kind of
a coincidence, isn't it?

It is kind of a coincidence.

Until you reflect that there was
an earlier draft of the play.

Now unfortunately lost to us.
And in this, the author makes it clear

that Philip's father as a young man
traveled extensively in the middle east.

- I see. Ooh, I see!
- You see?

- Very interesting.
- I thought you'd like that.

- But will the audience get it?
- You must show them.

With looks, gestures.
That's what acting's all about.

Yes. Thank you, Lloyd.

Can we just finish the act?
From your entrance.

God, I'm being
so clever out here.

What'll be left when I'm in
New York and you're on your own?

- "So where's my other sheet?"
- So where's my other sheet?

Ah! A house of heavenly peace.
I rent it.

- You?!
- Is it?

Certainly is me. Who else?

You walk in asking to view a house when
you're nothing but a trouserless tramp.

- You take all the clean sheets.
- You snatched my nightdress.

You toss me aside
like a broken China doll.

And what you're up to down in basing-stoke
with my little girl, I won't ask.

But I'll tell you
one thing, Vicki...

- Brooke.
- Sorry.

Your line! We're two lines away
from the end of the act.

I don't understand.

- Give her the line.
- "What's that, dad?"

- But I don't understand.
- It's "what's that, dad?"

I say to you, "I tell you something" and you
say, "what's that, dad?"

I don't understand
why the sheik looks like Philip.

Poppy, bring the book.

Is that the line?

"I don't understand why
the sheik looks like Philip"?

Can we consult the text?
Make absolutely sure?

I think it's...

"What's that, dad?"
Right. That's the line.

We know you've worked in London
in some very classy places

where they let you make the play up as you
go, but we don't want that here.

Not when the author has provided us
with such a polished line of his own.

Not at 1:00 in the morning.
Not two lines away from the end of act I.

Not when we're about to get a coffee
break before we drop dead from exhaustion.

We merely want to hear the line,
"what's that, dad?"!

That's all. Nothing else!

I'm not being
unreasonable, am I?

Exit? Does it say exit?

Oh, my god. She's gonna
wash away her lenses.

- Oh, dear.
- A bit heavy with the Tabasco.

I thought it was going to be
Poppy when he finally...

- It usually is.
- I suppose this is my fault.

- Why pick on, you know?
- I thought it was quite sweet.

- Sweet?!
- A little lovers' quarrel.

- You mean...
- Lloyd and Brooke?

Didn't you know? Where do you
think they've been all weekend?

That's why he didn't realize they
put the whole set up wrong on Sunday.

Shh! Here they come.

OK, all forgotten.
I was irresistible.

- I think I'm going to throw up.
- What?

- Oh, no!
- Oh, god!

- Poppy?
- You pig!

- You mean...
- Her, too?

- That's something I didn't know.
- I think I'm gonna faint.

- Sit down, dear.
- Head between your knees.

That's something
she didn't know.

Two weeks,
that's all we've had.

- What's next?
- Most exciting.

- Shh!
- Here he comes.

- Is she all right?
- She'll be OK in a minute.

- Something she ate, probably.
- This one's feeling, you know.

I'm feeling "you know" myself.
I think I'm going to...

- Faint?
- Or throw up?

Need that coffee break.

You're certainly overdoing it
at the moment, dear.

So can we just have
the last line of the act?

Me? Last line? Right. Ahem!

I'll tell you one thing, Vicki.

What's that, dad?

When all around
is strife and uncertainty,

there's nothing like a good
old-fashioned plate of sardines.

And... curtain!

Oh.

All right, let's reset
for night, act ii.

No, in fact,
they loved it in Des Moines.

At the end of act ii
they laughed.

What's this?

There's only one thing
I'm missing,

and that's a good old-fashioned
plate of sardines.

Yeah, they clapped and clapped
in Des Moines.

Well, they clapped.
Even Selsdon heard them.

But then there was
Decatur, Illinois.

Then there was
Cairo, Missouri.

And Paducah, Kentucky.

OK, I wasn't there when they
had difficulties in Decatur.

I missed out on
the problems in Paducah.

But I couldn't hold their hands
all the time.

How could I be in Decatur
and Paducah

when I was sorting out
Hamlet in Queens?

I caught up with the show
in Miami beach, after all.

I was there with them when they
did that famous matinee.

- Sir, your ticket?
- I'm the director.

- There. OK?
- Oh.

Don't tell anyone.

Act I. Places, please.

Your calls - Miss Otley, Miss Ashton,
Mr. Lejeune, Mr. Dallas, Miss Blair.

Act I. Places, please.

Then maybe act I places
is what we'll get.

- What do you think?
- She'll pull herself together.

Now she knows she's got to be
on stage in five minutes.

- Won't she?
- Will she?

- You know what Dotty's like.
- We've only been on the road for a month.

What's it going to be like
by the time we get to Cleveland?

- If only she'd speak.
- If only she'd unlock the door.

- Look, if Dotty won't go on...
- She will! Won't she?

I'm sure she will,
but if she doesn't...

- She must!
- She will.

- But if she didn't...
- I'd have five minutes to change.

- Four minutes.
- If only she'd say something.

I'll try again. Helps take your
mind off your own problems.

Oh. Uh...

Oops.

Has she gone?

Lloyd! We didn't expect you
till next week.

- I didn't know you were coming.
- I wasn't, I haven't.

- Thank god you're here.
- I'm not.

- Dotty and Garry...
- I don't want anyone to know.

- No. But Dotty and Garry...
- Hide this.

Right. They've had
some kind of fight.

There's a flower stand
at the back.

I want you to buy me some very
large and expensive-looking flowers.

Right. Dotty's locked herself
inside her dressing room.

- And don't let Poppy see.
- She won't speak to anyone.

The matinee ends before 5:00.
The evening show starts at 7:30.

I want two hours alone with Brooke
in her dressing room between shows

and I'm on the 7:25
back to New York.

That's what I'm trying to say.
There may not be a show.

- She's walked out?
- She's locked in her dressing room.

She won't speak to anyone.

- You've called places?
- Yes.

I can't do it in five minutes.
It's not possible.

- She's split with Garry before.
- Brooke split with Garry?

- Not Brooke, Dotty!
- Oh, Dotty.

There was the famous breakup
week before last in Pittsburgh.

- You told me.
- She went out with a reporter.

Garry threatened to kill him.

Listen, don't worry about Dotty.
She's got money in the show.

Last night it happened again.
At 2 a.m. I'm woken up by Garry.

Do I know where Dotty is?

Let me tell you about my life
in the big apple.

I have Hamlet's ghost on the phone
for an hour after every rehearsal

complaining that Polonius is sucking
sour balls through his speeches,

Claudius is off every afternoon
doing a soap,

and Gertrude is off the entire week
doing a commercial for Gallo wine.

Hamlet himself, would you believe,
has come down with a psychological problem.

Then last night Brooke rings me
to say she's unhappy here.

She's got a doctor's certificate
for nervous exhaustion.

I haven't got the time to find
and rehearse a new Vicki.

I have just one afternoon,
while Hamlet sees his shrink

and Ophelia starts
divorce proceedings,

to cure Brooke
of her nervous exhaustion.

With no medical aids except
whiskey, you've got that;

flowers, you've got money for the flowers;
And a certain fading bedside manner.

So I haven't come here to hear
about other people's problems.

I've come to be
taken out of myself.

And preferably,
not put back again.

- But Lloyd...
- Have you done the front-of-house calls?

Front-of-house calls.

And don't let Poppy
see those flowers.

Ladies and gentleman, will you
please take your seats?

The curtain will rise
in three minutes.

We're going to be so late
going up.

- No luck?
- Belinda's having a shot.

I haven't even started
the front-of-house calls.

Money? Is that for me?

- No.
- Whiskey.

- Is it?
- Where'd you find that?

Not up here. Oh, my god,
he's hiding it up here now.

I'll put it downstairs
where he can't find it.

- Can you believe it?
- No.

You know what Dotty's like.
Freddie's trying. Oh, my god.

He's hiding 'em here now. No?

- No.
- You didn't try for very long.

- Well... oh, dear.
- He's hiding them up here now.

Garry came rushing out
all fired up.

I couldn't understand
what he was saying,

but I often feel with Garry
I must have missed something.

But I think he was saying
he wanted to kill me.

- You poor thing.
- I thought I'd leave him alone.

- He's all right, isn't he?
- Anything but, by the sound of it.

- He's going on?
- Of course Garry's going on.

What's all this about Garry?

If you have to go on for Garry,
Poppy can't go on for Dotty.

If she does, you'll have
to be on the prompt book.

- Money. Is that for us?
- No, that's for...

Oh, my god.

She's such a funny woman.

She's so up and down.
She was perfectly all right last night.

Last night?

She took me out for a drink
after the show to some pub.

She was with you?
You were with her?

She was very sympathetic
about all my troubles.

- I won't let her sink her teeth into you.
- She couldn't have been nicer.

She came back to my room
for coffee.

Told me about her troubles.
We sat there till 3:00 a.m.

I don't know what the guy
from room service thought.

- And another thing.
- Nothing else.

- Where's Selsdon?
- Freddie's the cause of all this. Selsdon?

He's not in his dressing room.
The front-of-house calls!

You do them.
I'll go get Selsdon.

- What should I do?
- Absolutely nothing at all.

You've done quite enough
already - darling.

Ladies and gentleman,
please take your seats.

The curtain will rise
in three minutes.

- He wants to kill someone?
- Selsdon wants to kill someone?

Garry. Selsdon?

- We've lost him!
- Oh, my god.

- Flowers!
- Well, they're...

- That's really sweet of you.
- Oh, well...

- Isn't that sweet of him?
- Very charming.

I'll go look in the bar.
Hold these.

I'll take those.

Front-of-house calls.
Hold these.

Poppy's already done them.

She gave 'em two minutes?
I'll give them one.

Ladies and gentleman, will you
please take your seats?

The curtain will rise
in one minute.

- I think she said three minutes.
- I said three minutes. She did?

- I think so.
- Hold these.

Ladies and gentleman,
please take your seats.

The curtain will rise
in two minutes.

- Any luck?
- No, but I found this.

It was hidden
behind the fire extinguisher.

- Not a good sign.
- I'll take it.

Put it somewhere
out of sight, sweetie.

He's...
Not in the bar.

- Did you check the green room?
- Yes.

- I'll check again.
- Now what?

Please take your seats.
The curtain will rise in two minutes.

- Tim already said two minutes.
- He has?

Please take your seats.
The curtain will rise in one minute.

- What the fuck is going on?
- Lloyd!

- I didn't know you were here.
- I'm not. I'm in New York.

But I can't sit there and listen to two
minutes, one minute, three minutes.

- We're having dramas back here.
- We're having dramas out there.

This is a matinee. There are
senior citizens out there.

The curtain will rise in three
minutes, we all start for the gents.

In one minute, we all start running out again.
We don't know which way to go.

- I've got to talk with you.
- Just tell me one thing.

- I tried calling you.
- Is Brooke going on?

Is Brooke going on?! Brooke!

- You're going on, aren't you?
- Sorry?

- Are you all right?
- Am I all right?

- Sounds like her usual self.
- Lloyd!

- What's this?
- Another one?

- I was lying on the floor.
- Lying on the floor?!

- For her relaxation.
- Oh, yes.

- I saw it behind the radiator.
- He's hiding them everywhere.

- I'll put it where he won't find it.
- In Brooke's dressing room.

What's this?

Sorry.

- Tim bought them for me.
- For you?

- I have something to tell you.
- I've heard everything I want to hear.

- What about Dotty?
- No!

- And Garry?
- No!

What about Selsdon?

This show is beyond
the help of any director.

I'll sit out there in the dark with
a bag of gummy bears and enjoy it.

One minute was the last call,
if your memory goes back that far.

- Is she all right?
- It's her way of relaxing.

- You're all right?
- I couldn't concentrate back there.

- Everyone was running around.
- It's her breathing. You see?

You don't have to go on
if you're not up to it.

It's only a matinee. I'm sure Poppy
would love to try her hand at your part.

I'll see what's happening
with Dotty.

Freddie, my darling dear!

- Did I say something wrong?
- Where's Tim?

Where have you been? We've been
looking for you everywhere.

In front, the manager's office,
the bar, not a sign of him.

He's been looking for you
back there.

Great shindig going on.
I thought Tim ought to know.

- I think he's heard.
- He really went for her.

"I know when you've got your
eye on someone," he says.

"I've seen the way
you're looking at Freddie."

- Me?
- Yes, darling.

- You sure he said Freddie?
- May have been Teddie.

One of the two. Anyway...

- I think they're coming.
- They're coming?!

- I knew they wouldn't.
- And you're here.

- Yes, every word.
- Right.

Ladies and gentleman, will you
please take your seats?

The performance
is about to begin.

- They're coming.
- We found Selsdon.

- How did you get here?
- How did she take it?

In one word - amiss, that's how.

Ladies and gentleman,
please take your seats.

- I've done it!
- The performance is...

Poor Lloyd, he'll choke
on his gummy bears.

Garry!

Try to give a fellow a leg up...
Or she may have said a leg over.

- What? Oh, there he is.
- Are you all right?

- What's he say?
- He's not saying anything.

Very sensible.
Only stir it up again.

"I know when you've got your
claws into someone," he said.

"And you've got them into
poor old Freddie."

- Are you all right?
- Is she all right?

She's fine.

All right, everyone?

- Teddie or Freddie, one of the two.
- Hush, dear.

Places, please.

Look, Garry, Dotty...

I'm not going to make a big speech,
but we've all got to give a performance.

- And...
- We can't do it in silence.

We're gonna have to
speak to each other.

What's the house like?

- That's the spirit!
- Well done.

It's quite good.
For a matinee.

There's quite a crowd at the front
of the back of the orchestra.

Come on, girl, get the taps up.
Some of the seniors haven't got long to go.

Quiet then, please.

Preset, please.
Quiet on stage.

Stand by. Curtain up. Act I.

- Now what?
- We're just going up.

We've been out there an hour.
They think someone's died.

It's my fault.
I was saying a few words.

Ever thought of having
a brain transplant?

Sorry, wrong moment.

Anybody else have any thoughts
they must communicate?

Not right now. I mean, later.

And you bought these flowers
for Poppy?

- No. Well, yes.
- You didn't buy any for me?

- Ever heard of a jealous rage?
- Yes. Well...

Then take $10 of
your own money,

go to the flower stand and
buy some flowers for me.

Gave Poppy the flowers. You two
could have Freddie's old brain.

You could have half each.

Oh, dear.

- Don't cry.
- Get the old bus on the road.

Act I. In music.
Summer noises.

House lights go.

Coming!

Lord love a duck.

I'm coming!

Shut up, I'm coming.

Hold on.

I can't open sardines and answer the
phone, I've only one pair of hands.

Hello? Yes, but there's
no one here, love.

No, Mr. Brent's not here.

He lives here, yes, but he don't live here
now, because he lives in Spain.

Mr. Philip Brent,
the one that writes the plays.

That's him, only now
he writes them in Spain.

No, she's in Spain, too.

They're all in Spain.
There's no one here.

Am I in Spain?
I'm not in Spain, dear.

I look after the house for them.
Only I go home at 1:00 on Wednesdays.

So that's where I am.

No, because I've got a nice plate
of sardines to put my feet up with.

They've got color here and it's the royal.
What is it? The horse race.

If it's to do with letting the
house, then ring the house agents

'cause they're the agents
for the house.

Squire, squire, hack ham
and who's the other one?

- Augghh!
- Shh!

Soon as you take the weight off your
feet, down it all comes on your head.

My housekeeper, yes,
but this is her afternoon off.

So we've got the place
entirely to ourselves.

Wow!

I'll just check.
Hello? Anyone at home?

No, there's no one here.
So what do you think?

- All these doors.
- Just a handful really.

Study, kitchen,

and a self-contained service
flat for the housekeeper.

- Terrific! Which one's the...
- The what?

- Oh. Through here.
- Fantastic!

No! I've lost the...

I've lost the sardines!

I'm sorry, I thought
there was no one here.

I'm not here.
I'm off, only it's the royal.

The horse race, where they wear
those hats covered in fruit.

I'm from the agents. I dropped
in to check some measurements.

Do one or two odd jobs.

And I'm showing a prospective
tenant over the house.

What's wrong with this door?

She's thinking of renting it.
Her interest is definitely roused.

- The bedroom?
- No, that's the downstairs bathroom.

- This is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crockett.
- Clackett, dear.

Only now I've lost
the newspaper.

- I'm sorry.
- That's all right.

She's been in the family
for generations.

Come on. I've got to be
in basing-stoke by 4:00.

- We should just have champagne.
- We'll take it up with us. Bring my files.

What?

She has been in the family
for generations.

Sardines! Sardines!

It's not for me to say. Only I will.
Don't think twice about it.

Take the plunge.
You'll really enjoy it here.

- Great.
- Won't she?

- Well, yes.
- We'll enjoy having you.

- Terrific.
- Sardines.

Can't put your feet up
on an empty stomach.

She thinks it's great.
She's even making us sardines.

I think she's terrific.
Which way?

Before she comes back
with the sardines.

- In here?
- Yes!

- It's another bathroom.
- No!

You're always trying
to get me in the bathroom.

I mean, in here.

Ooh! Black sheets.

That's the linen closet.

This one!

- You're in a real state.
- Come on.

You can't even
get the door open.

Yes, but this is
Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.

We've got the place
entirely to ourselves.

- Look at it!
- Do you like it?

I can't believe it.

- The perfect place for an assignation.
- Home. Our secret hideaway.

The last place on earth
anyone will look for us.

I wonder if Mrs. Clackett's
aired the beds.

- Darling...!
- Why not?

No children, no friends
dropping in. We're on our own.

True. There is something to be
said for being a tax exile.

Leave those.

Shh!

- What?
- Inland revenue may hear us.

What I did with that first lot
of sardines, I shall never know.

Mrs. Clackett!

You gave me a turn.
My heart jumped out of my boots.

- We thought you'd gone.
- I thought you was in Spain.

- We are.
- You haven't seen us.

All right, you're not here.
I haven't seen you.

Anybody asks for you,
I don't know nothing.

- Off to bed?
- Well...

Nowhere like bed when
they all get on top of you.

You'll want your things.

- That bed hasn't been aired.
- I'll get a hot-water bottle.

I put all your letters
in the study.

- Where are they?
- In the little pigeon house.

In your desk, love.

- Yes, but I could hear voices.
- What sort of voices?

People's voices.

- She's opened our sardines.
- Come back.

- You can't go down like that.
- Why not?

Mrs Crackett.
She's irreplaceable.

Sardines here, sardines there.

It's like
a Sunday school outing.

You're still poking around,
are you?

- Still poking. Still around.
- In the linen closet, were you?

No. Just checking sheets and
pillowcases for the inventory.

- Mrs. Blackett.
- Clackett, dear.

- Is there anyone else in the house?
- I've seen no one, dear.

- I thought I heard voices.
- There are no voices here.

- I must've imagined it.
- Oh, my god.

- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, my god.

- Why, what is it?
- The study door's open.

There's another car outside.
That's not Mr. Hackham's, is it?

Or Mr. Dudley's?

Nothing but
flapping doors in this house.

"The final notice... steps will be taken...
foreclosure... Proceedings in court"?

That reminds me, a gentleman
come about the house.

Don't tell me. I'm not here.

I'll just sit down
and turn on the... sardines!

I've forgotten the sardines.
I don't know!

If it wasn't fixed to my shoulders,
I'd forget what day it was.

- Give it to me!
- I didn't get this. I'm not here.

I'm in Spain. But if I didn't
get it, I didn't open it.

I never should've touched it.

Darling, I never had a...

I never had a dress...

Or rather a bunch of flowers
like these, did I?

Oh. Didn't you?

I shouldn't buy anything
as tarty as these.

They aren't something
you gave me, are they?

- I never should've touched it.
- They're lovely.

Stick it down. Why, put it back.
I never saw it.

I'll just go and
put them in the attic.

Pack them away with the other things you
gave me that are too precious to use.

Oh, god...

All right, now the study
door's open again.

What's going on?

Knocking.

Knocking!

Knocking.

Upstairs!

Oh, my god. There's something
in the linen closet.

Oh, it's you.

Is it you?

I mean... hidden under all
the sheets and towels in here.

I can't, you know,
just stand here indefinitely.

Of course it's me.

You put me here in the dark with
all black sheets and things.

But darling,
why did you lock the door?

Why did I lock the door?
Why did you?

I didn't lock the door. Anyway,
we can't stand here like this.

- Like what?
- In your underwear.

OK, I'll take it off.

You, on!

In here.

Darling, this glue.

It's not that special
quick-drying sort, is it?

Oh, look. Mrs. Clackett's
made us some sardines.

A hot-water bottle?
I didn't put it there.

I didn't put this
hot-water bottle...

I mean, I'm standing here with
a hot-water bottle in my hands.

Of course it's me. You put in me here in
the dark with black sheets and things.

Someone in the bathroom
filling hot-water bottles?

What? Don't panic!

- Why did you lock the door?
- Don't panic! Don't panic!

There's some perfectly rational
explanation for all this.

Mrs. Splotchett will
tell us what's happening.

You wait here. You can't
stand there looking like that.

Wait in the study.
Study, study, study!

No!

There's something in there.
Where are you?

Darling, I know this is
going to sound silly, but...

If we're not going to bed, I'm
going to clear out the attic.

Darling, I can't come to bed.
I'm glued to a tax demand.

Why don't you
put the sardines down?

Darling, I'm stuck
to the sardines.

Don't play the fool. Get that bottle
marked poison in the downstairs loo.

It eats through anything.

I've heard of people being
stuck with a problem before,

but this is ridiculous.

Um... ahem!

I've heard of people getting stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous!

No bars, no burglar alarms...

They ought to be prosecuting
for incitement.

It makes me want to weep
when I think I used to do banks.

When I remember
I used to do bullion vaults.

What am I doing now?
Breaking into paper bags.

I know they're all in Spain 'cause the
old Turkey in the kitchen told me so.

I know she's out 'cause I just
seen her go out the front door

where is the front door?

Oh. Yes. Uh...
A line, a prompt?

"Get the van loaded."

- What?
- "Get the van loaded"!

Right. Get the van loaded.

There's no rush. I've only got
all flaming afternoon.

Now, what are they offering?
One microwave oven.

50 quid?
Hardly worth lifting it.

Come here.

Now, where's his desk?

They all say the same thing.
It's hard to adjust to retirement.

The prospective tenant
wishes to know

is there any history
of paranormal phenomena.

Yes, dear, it's all
nice and paranormal.

Has anything ever dematerialized
before, flown about?

No, the things move themselves
on their own.

Just like they do
in any house.

I'll tell the prospective
tenant. She's in the study.

- There's a man in there.
- There's no one in the house.

- He's searching for something.
- I can't see no one.

For me?

This is extraordinary.
Where's my prospective tenant?

She's gone. She's disappeared.

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, no. Oh, dear.

The sardines.

- Oh, the sardines.
- You can see them, can you?

I can see the way
they're going, too.

I'm not letting these sardines
out of my hand.

But where is my
prospective tenant?

I can see I'm going to be
opening sardines all night.

Been in and out of here
like a cuckoo on a clock.

Vicki! Vicki!

"Charles," he said,
"you're 70 years old.

"It's time to hang up
the sawn-off shotgun

"and hand over the ammonia
bottle to a younger man."

Where's she gone? She hasn't
gone back into the bedroom.

"I may be 70," I said, "but I've
still got all my wits about me."

He didn't have
an answer to that.

- Where can she have got to?
- Vicki! Vicki!

Or if he did,
I didn't hear him.

This stuff that eats through
anything doesn't eat through glue.

It just eats through trousers.

If it eats through trousers, you
don't think it eats through...

I'd better get
these trousers off.

Darling, quick.
This is an emergency.

Have we got any stuff
that stops the stuff?

I mean, if it eats through
absolutely anything...

Darling, I think I can feel it.
It's eating through everything.

There's something evil
in this hooouuuse!

Oh. Um... inland revenue?

He's back.

No, I'm not here. I'm abroad.

- He's walking abroad.
- I must go.

- Stay!
- I'm not staying.

- Speak!
- Only in the presence of my lawyer.

Only...? Hold on, you're just an
intruder. An ordinary intruder.

Well, nice to meet you.
I mean... have a sardine.

No, you're not.
You're a sex criminal.

I'm going to come downstairs
and sort you...

Whoaaahh!

Oh, you've got some sardines,
have you?

Well, if there's nothing
I can offer you...

Are you all right?

The tap!

- Police!
- I'll be running along.

Come back.

Hello, police? Someone has
broken into my house.

Or rather, someone has broken
into someone's house.

Yes, a sex criminal.
And a young woman is missing.

And a young woman is missing!

And a young woman is missing!!

It's in the garden now
and it's a maaan!

- Are you all right?
- No. He almost saw me.

He almost saw her!
No, but he's a burglar as well.

He's taken our things.

- The things are here.
- They've come back. So we're just...

I knew I shouldn't have
brought the subject up.

Darling, help! Where are you?

Just put it on.
It's a start at any rate.

I'll find a bottom. I'll find
a top. I'll find something.

- What?
- Aauugghh!

There's someone in there.
It's him, it's him!

Darling, I'm finding
such lovely things.

Aagghh!

Remember this old biscuit tin
you gave me on our very first...

- Who are you?
- It's his wife and dependent!

I've taken your dress off you.

Where have you been?
I've been going mad.

A pair of gold taps, anyway.
Oh, my god.

- Who are you?
- I'm doing the taps.

Tim!

Tax on women? I don't know.
They'll put a tax on anything these days.

If I can't find her,
you'll be in trouble, you see?

W.c.? I'll fix it.

Vicki! Vicki!

No sheik yet?
I thought he was coming at 4:00.

I mean, you know,
it's nearly 4:00 now.

Well, it's after 3:00 because I've been
standing here it seems like forever.

- Listen.
- What?

- I've got to talk to you now.
- Now is not...

Not a good time, I know.
It's never a good time.

Oh! You're right.
Freddie's quick change.

What? Christ,
Freddie's quick change.

Those thieving devils.
Give me that sheet, you devil!

There she stands in her sheet
that won't come off

so no one in the world
can see you.

My little girl! So far as I
could see before she went.

It's you. I mean, I think.

It's her, isn't it?

Dad!

Surely that was our little Vicki
that ran away

that I thought I'd never
see again - and nearly didn't.

Oh! Here she is again.

So where's my...

So where's my other sheet?

Ah, a house of heavenly peace.
I rent it.

- You?!
- I tried calling you.

You're in rehearsals all day,
but you're not there at night.

No, I'm not going to be put off.

As soon as that curtain's down,
you'll be seeing her. I know it.

She's being difficult. I saw
that cactus. I'm not blind.

Then you'll be on
the next plane to New York.

I'm starting to know the way you operate.
Bet there's somebody in Hamlet!

You can't walk away this time.
You've got to hear. I'm...

Pregnant!

And, curtain.

Aaaggghh!

If you thought Miami beach was
as bad as things could get,

you're very much mistaken,
my friend.

Things got worse backstage by
the time we got to Spartanburg.

Then after Spartanburg
there was Lynchburg.

After Lynchburg, there was
Parkersburg and Petersburg.

Then after Parkersburg
and Petersburg

there was Peter Piper picked
a peck of pickled Peppersburg.

But nothing could've prepared us
for the final horror.

Cleveland.

Garry was using you.

Quiet!

Hold on, I'm coming! Hold your
horses. I'll be right there.

Oof!

Hold on. Can't pick sardines off
the floor and answer the phone.

I've only got one leg.

Hello?

Hello? Yes, but
there's no one here.

No, Mr. Brent's not here.
He lives in Spain.

Mr. Philip Brent,
the one that writes the plays.

Only why he wants to get mixed
up in plays god only knows.

He'd be safer off
in a snake pit.

No, she's in Spain, too.
They're all in Spain.

Am I in Spain?
No, I'm not in Spain.

I'm in agony,
that's where I am.

We haven't
been on the road three months

and already she's
trying to kill me!

I'm back there standing with the
sardines and next thing I know

she's kicking me in the...

Where the hell are they?

If it's to do with
letting the house...

- Selsdon!
- Selsdon?

- I can't find him.
- I'll find him.

They're not in Spain. They're
next to the study. In the phone.

Squire, squire, Hackham
and... hold on.

I'm going to do
something wrong here.

Oh, yes.
Always the same, isn't it?

As soon as you got too much on your plate,
there you go putting your foot in it.

Speak of the devil.

Don't want to go
putting your foot in it now.

Well, I'll take care of that,
I'll just put that there.

Look, see? That'll keep them
out of harm's way.

What I'm holding now, I don't
know. And off I go at last.

My housekeeper, yes.
But this is her afternoon off.

So we've got the place
entirely to ourselves.

Wow!

I'll just check.

Hello? Anyone at home?

No, there's no one here.

So, what do you think?

Great! And this is all yours?

Just a little shack
in the woods, really.

Converted posset mill.
16th century.

One has to have somewhere to
entertain business associates.

There's someone on the phone
now, by the look of it.

It's probably this arab,
saying he's coming at 4:00.

I'll just have a word with him.

Right, and I've got to get those files
to our Basingstoke office by 4:00.

Yes, we'll only just manage to
pick it in. Uh, to fit it up.

Right, then.

I won't bother
to pour the champagne.

- All these doors!
- Only a handful.

Study, kitchen and a self-contained
service flat for the...

Receiver.

Terrific.

- And which one's the...
- The what?

- You know.
- Oh. Yes, through here.

It's... through here.

Fantastic! Aarrggh!

- Just come for me sardines.
- Aagghh!

- I thought no one was here.
- I'm not here. I don't know where I am.

- I'm from the agents.
- Lost the phone now.

Squire, squire,
Hackham and Dudley.

- Never lost the phone before.
- I'm Tramplemain.

I'll just put it up here
in case anybody wants it.

- Look.
- Right, thanks.

I just dropped in
to go into a few things.

To check some measurements.
Do some odd jobs.

Now the plate's gone.

And I'm showing a prospective
tenant over the house.

What's wrong
with this door?

She's thinking of renting it.
Her interest is roused.

- That's not the bedroom.
- No, no, no!

That's the downstairs
bathroom and w.C. Suite.

This is the housekeeper,
Mrs. Crockett.

- Sardines here!
- Oh, hi.

- She's not really here.
- You're standing on 'em!

It's the royal, you know.
The horse race.

You shouldn't have
stood on them.

- Don't worry about us.
- I need those sardines.

- We'll just inspect the house.
- I'll have to give the floor a wash now.

- I'm sorry.
- That's all right.

We don't want
the television, do we?

Right, she didn't explain about
wanting to watch the royal

because obviously there's been
this thing with the...

I'm just, in case... Somebody's looking
at all this and thinking, "my god!"

Great! Come on, then. I've got
to be in basingstoke by 4:00.

Sorry, hon.

- We'll take it up with us.
- Where are we?

- Don't forget my files.
- We've gotten out of...

- What?
- Her!

Her? OK, her! She's been
in the family for generations.

I'll just give the floor a wash with
this and they'll be out of your way.

Look what I've got hold of now.

- Great!
- Like a battlefield back there.

- Terrific!
- I'll just put this up here.

Then if he wants it,
he won't know where to find it.

You'll have to do the sardines.

I have to go to the kitchen
and do some more sardines.

See, she thinks it's great.
She's even making us sardines.

- So what do you think?
- I think she's terrific.

- Do you want to do the...
- Which way?

I don't know, just kind of
wrap them up in the...

- Up here?
- I'll do the...

- In here?
- OK, you take the...

- It's another bathroom.
- ..Box bag.

Always trying to
get me in the bathroom.

Bag box!

Oh, a black sheet!

Box, box, bag, bag!

You're in a real state.

If we haven't got
the upstairs...

You can't even
get the door open.

This is Mrs. Clackett's
afternoon off.

We've got the place
entirely to ourselves.

- Look at it!
- Do you like it?

I can't believe it.

- The perfect place for an assignation.
- Home!

But how odd to find
a telephone in the garden.

- I'll put it back.
- I thought I'd better bring it in.

- Sensible.
- Someone's bound to want it.

- Why not put it on the table?
- The wire seems to be caught.

Look, it's caught round
the downstairs bathroom.

So it is.

- I think I've disentangled it.
- I've climbed through the window and...

Oh.

Anyway. Our little
secret hideaway.

- The last place on earth anyone will...
- Look for us.

But it's rather funny
creeping in like this.

What?

You're thinking,
"it's damn serious."

Sorry.
Yes, it's damn serious.

You're thinking about
inland revenue.

Absolutely, inland revenue.

To cut a long story short,
I think I'll wash up and go to bed.

Yes, but we must have our little
talk first about inland revenue.

You're thinking, "if inland revenue
finds out we're in the country,

"bang goes our claim to be residents
abroad, bang goes this year's..."

Leave those! Downstairs.

- Not upstairs.
- Shh! Inland revenue may hear.

One moment they're
kicking you to death,

the next they expect you to come
waltzing out with sardines.

- Newspaper!
- You gave me a turn!

- My heart jumped out of the sofa.
- So did mine.

- We thought you'd gone.
- Thought you was in Sardinia.

- We are.
- You haven't seen us.

- We're not here.
- They got me a lovely present.

But the main thing is the income
tax people are after us.

I can guess who thought of this.

- We're off to bed.
- She just leaves them on the sofa.

- Has the bed been aired?
- I got a surprise for you.

- I'll get a hot-water bottle.
- I'll give you some sardines, sweetheart.

No!

- Let me at her!
- Oh, dear!

She's left you on your own,
has she?

What are you supposed to do?
Talk to yourself?

Has she talked
about your letters?

- What's she telling you now?
- Your tax letters in the study!

I'm supposed to tell him that!

- They're in the pigeon house!
- In the pigeonhole. You come with me.

Anybody would think
she was married to you.

- Yes, but I can hear voices.
- What sort of voices?

Box voices, I mean...
People's boxes.

But there's no one here.

Darling, I saw
the door handle move.

And these bags,
I'm not sure they were...

When we went into the,
you know what I mean?

I still don't see why you have
to put your tie on to look.

Because if someone left
these things outside,

they obviously wish them
to be downstairs inside the...

Mrs. Clockett?

It could be, on her way up to
carry various things. Who knows?

- No, no, no.
- I'll fetch them.

- You can't go down like that.
- Why not?

Mrs. Crackett.
She's irreplaceable.

Well! At least I thanked
her properly for the sardines.

You're still poking around,
are you?

Yes, still poking.
Well, still pulling.

Lucky I can't see far
with this leg.

Just trying all the doors.
Checking all the door handles.

- Mrs. Blackett...
- Clackett, dear.

- Is there anyone else in the house?
- I haven't seen no one, dear.

I thought I heard boxes.
I mean, I found these voices.

- There's no voices here, love.
- I must've imagined it.

Oh, my god!

I beg your pardon?

Oh, my god!

- Why, what is it?
- The study door's open.

They'll need these things
inside the...

So I'll just put them
outside the...

Then they can...
You know what I mean.

Nothing but flapping doors
in this... handle.

"Final notice... steps will be
taken... proceedings in court."

Oh, my god. Who are you?

- I'm Philip.
- You're Philip? What happened to you?

- There were these sardines on the floor.
- He stepped in it?

- And he slipped.
- She's killed him. She's killed you!

No, he's just a bit shaken.
He'll be all right in a minute.

You weren't going to tell me a gentleman
had come about the house, were you?

What?

You weren't going to tell me

a gentleman had come
about the house?

A gentleman come
about the house.

- Don't tell me. I'm not here.
- You haven't hurt himself, have ya?

Just leave everything to squire,
squire, Hackham and Poppy.

All right, then, love. I'll just sit
down and I'll turn on the sardines.

I've forgotten the sardines.

No, I haven't forgotten the
sardines. I remembered them.

What a surprise! I'll just go into the
kitchen and fix some more to celebrate.

I didn't get this.
I'm not here. I'm in Spain.

But if I didn't get it,
I didn't open it.

Darling...

I never had
a handle like this, did I?

- Didn't you?
- I shouldn't buy anything as brassy as this.

- Is it something you gave me?
- I should never have touched it.

No, it's lovely.

Stick it down, put it back,
never saw it.

I'll just put it in the attic in
case anyone else wants to have a try.

All right, now the study door's
ope... closed again!

What's going on?

Knocking. Upstairs.

Oh, my god. There's something
in the linen cl... oh, my god!

Listen, I can't.

I can't because the handle
seems to have, you know...

You'll just have to...
Come on!

I mean, whatever's in there.
Can you hear me, darling?

Look, there's no need
to keep banging.

There's nothing I... it won't...
There's no place to...

Listen.

Climb round into the...
Squeeze through the... you know.

Shin down the...

There must be some way.
For god's sake!

"Final notice... steps will be taken...
foreclosure... Proceedings in court."

- It's you!
- Of course it's me.

You put me in here in the dark
with all black sheets.

I put you in there, but you managed
to squeeze through the... you know.

- Why did you lock the door?
- I couldn't. Look, it's come off.

- Someone locked the door.
- Sorry.

- Anyway, you can't stand here like that.
- Like what?

With people going in and out!

- OK, I'll take it off.
- No, in here!

"Final notice... steps will be taken...
foreclosure... Proceedings in court."

- Now what?
- A hot water box? I didn't put it there.

- I didn't put it there.
- Sorry.

Is someone in the bathroom
filling first-aid bottles?

There's something creepy
going on here.

Darling? Darling!

Are you coming
to bed or aren't you?

- What did you say?
- I didn't say anything.

I mean, there's the door handle,
now the first water box...

- I feel goose pimples all over.
- Get something round you.

- Get the covers over our heads!
- Just a moment.

What did I do with
those sardines? You, wait here!

You hear funny things
about these old houses.

But this one has been
extensively modernized.

I can't see how anything creepy
would survive central heating.

What is it? What's happening?

The sardines, they've gone!

No, they haven't.
They're here.

Oh. Well, my god!

You put a plate of sardines
down for two minutes

and the last thing
you expect to find...

I mean, these days, the one
thing you do not expect to find

when you come back is a plate
of... that's really weird.

Perhaps there is
something funny going on!

I'm going to get into bed
and put my head under the...

Because there they are,
exactly where I...

I suppose
Mrs. Spockett must've...

- Jesus, what is going on?
- Bag!

- Bag?
- Bag, bag.

What do you mean, bag, bag?

- Sardines!
- Bag, bag, bag.

- Sardines, sardines.
- Bag, bag, bag!

- Bag? What bag?
- Ohh!

- No bag!
- No bag?

Your bag's suddenly
here now. Gone.

It's in the bedroom. It was in
the bedroom. I put it there.

- I'll put it in the bedroom.
- Don't go in there.

The box.
They've both not gone.

What on earth's happening? Where's Mrs.
Sprotchett? Wait in the bedroom.

- No.
- Get dressed, then.

I am not going in there.

I'll fetch your dress out here.

- Your dress has gone.
- Oh! Oh!

Don't panic!

There's a perfectly
rational explanation.

For this.

Aarrghh!

Aagghh!

Darling, I know this is
going to sound silly, but...

If we're not going to bed, I'm
going to clear out the attic.

- Are you all right?
- Oh, my god!

- What happened?
- Can you speak?

- She's killed this one now.
- He's just stunned. Keep going.

She's putting sardines
on the stairs for him.

- Are you all right, Garry?
- Don't panic!

- He's all right.
- Well done.

- She'll get you next time.
- Keep going.

- There's a rational explanation for all this.
- Where are we?

I'll fetch Mrs. Splotchett
and she'll explain.

I'm here.

I've fetched Mrs. Splotchett
and she'll explain.

No, she won't. She doesn't know
if it's Christmas or Cleveland.

- I'll explain.
- There's a man in there, yes?

No, he's not in there,
my precious.

- He's here, look, and so am I.
- No, there's no one in the house, love.

No. Look! I know this is
quite a surprise for everyone.

It's a shock to find a man lying
at the bottom of the stairs.

- Isn't it, darling?
- Yeah.

But now we've all met, we'll
have to introduce ourselves.

Won't we, darling?

This is my husband.
I'm afraid he hates surprises.

Why don't you get that bottle
marked poison in the downstairs loo?

- It eats through anything.
- Eats through anything, right. Thank you.

I've heard of people getting stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous.

No bars, no burglar alarms.

They ought to be prosecuted
for incitement.

Come in and join
the party, honey.

A burglar!
This is most exciting.

This is all my fault,
because when I say,

"I've heard of people getting stuck
with a problem" and I open this door...

No bars, no burglar alarms.

They ought to be
prosecuted for incite...

...Ment.

Oh, dear.
I've done it again.

Sometimes it makes me
want to sit down and weep.

I know, it's
getting like a funeral out here.

When I think
I used to do banks...

Just keep going!

When I remember
I used to do bullion vaults...

What am I doing now?
I'm breaking into paper bags.

- Keep going.
- Stop?

- No, no, no.
- I thought the coast was clear.

I saw him go through
to the bathroom.

We'll think of something.

No, I was listening most
carefully. What is it he says?

I've heard of people getting stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous.

And he opens the door.

No bars, no burglar alarms.

They ought to be prosecuted
for incitement.

- Oh, no!
- They always come in threes.

When I think
I used to do banks...

When I remember I used
to do bullion vaults...

Hold on! We know this man!

- He's not a burglar. He's our social worker.
- He's what?

He's that nice man who comes
and tells us what to do.

Oh!

I've been working on Hamlet
for the last six weeks.

You think he needs working on
more than we do?

- Is he playing the burglar now?
- No, no.

OK, I'll think of something.
Fetch the sardines.

- I've fetched the sardines.
- You've fetched the sardines?

She's fetched
the sardines!

- Get the tax demand.
- He's got the tax demand.

All right, I suggest...
I suggest...

What's he saying?

He's saying, "ring the police!"

- Ring the police?
- Ring the police!

It's for you.

- No phone.
- Get the phone.

- Here's the phone.
- We've found the phone!

- Pick it up!
- Pick it up.

Pick it up!

It's the police!

I'll just tell them
a young woman is missing.

Yes, a young woman is missing.

It's in the garden now.
And it's a... man.

Oh, it's her.
We forgot all about her.

No, he almost... saw me.

All right. So what do you
think of that, my sweet?

I've got to get
the 8:40 to New York!

Ah! House of heavenly peace!
I rent it.

Oh, it's the other one!
In her wedding dress.

- Yes, it's their wedding day!
- Oh!

What a happy ending!

- To the first act!
- Yes!

Of their new life together.

They just want to be alone
in their new home.

If only someone would...
Pull the shades!

Come in?

- It's the mother of the bride.
- Go out?

Pull the shades!

- Last line.
- Last line.

I'll tell you one thing, Vicki.

What's that, dad?

When all around
is strife and uncertainty,

there's nothing like
a good old-fashioned plate of...

Curtain!

What's this?

Only one thing I'm missing now,
and that's a good old-fashioned plate of...

Sardines!

Yes! I did it!

We did it!

All my wonderful cast!
I knew we'd make it.

Never doubted it for a moment.

Let me tell you something.

You are a wonderful
stage doorkeeper.

Look at these two. Don't they
make a wonderful couple?

Tim's wonderful. She's
wonderful, whoever she is.

Poppy's wonderful. The baby's
going to be wonderful.

We're all wonderful.
I'm wonderful!

That's all it takes
to have a success.

Wonderful actors, wonderful
teamwork, dedication,

six months on the road,
professionalism.

Plus something else.

I think some kind of miracle.
Don't forget the miracle!

Oh yes, and by the way, another funny
thing happened out there on the road.

I didn't tell you
about this one.

What, you don't believe this?
Let me tell you something. Neither do I.

Never seen anything
like it in my life.

But then what
did Shakespeare say?

♪ There's no business
like show business ♪

♪ Like no business I know

♪ everything about it
is appealing ♪

♪ Everything the traffic
will allow ♪

♪ Nowhere can you get
that happy feeling ♪

♪ When you are stealing
that extra bow ♪

♪ There's no people
like show people ♪

♪ They smile
when they are low ♪

♪ Even with a Turkey
that you know will fold ♪

♪ You may be stranded
out in the cold ♪

♪ Still you wouldn't trade it
for a sack of gold ♪

♪ Let's go on with the show

♪ no business
like show business ♪

♪ Like no business I know

♪ traveling through the country
would be thrilling ♪

♪ Standing out in front
on opening night ♪

♪ Smiling as you watch
the theater filling ♪

♪ And there's your billing
up there in lights

♪ there's no people
like show people ♪

♪ They smile
when they are low ♪

♪ Yesterday they told you
you would not go far ♪

♪ Tonight you open
and there you are ♪

♪ Next day on your dressing
room they hung a star ♪

♪ Let's go on with the show

♪ no business
like show business ♪

♪ Like no business I know

♪ everything about it
is appealing ♪

♪ Everything
the traffic will allow ♪

♪ Nowhere can you get
that happy feeling ♪

♪ When you are stealing
that extra bow ♪

♪ There's no people
like show people ♪

♪ They smile
when they are low ♪

♪ Yesterday they told you
you would not go far ♪

♪ Tonight you open
and there you are ♪

♪ Next day on your dressing
room they hung a star ♪

♪ Let's go on with the show

♪ let's go

♪ on with the show