Nobody's Perfekt (1981) - full transcript

The story of a group of misfits living in Miami, and their revenge against government bureaucracy. After the city refuses to pay for the damage to their car caused by a pothole, the three friends, including one with constant short-term memory loss and another who is always jumping from personality to personality, decide to steal an army howitzer and 'persuade' the mayor to change his mind.



How do you want your egg done?

How about your brown muffin?
You want it toasted?

Hurry up!

All right, all right, just cool it.

Hey come on, let's go.
Let's go.

Hey! Are you okay, buddy?

I am fine. I am just fine.

Okay, then would you mind getting
this piece of junk out of here?

I'd like to, really,
I would really like to but...

I have forgotten how to drive.

You forgot?

Well, you see
I have this lousy memory.

It's gonna come back to me
any second.

Well may be,
I can help you refresh it.

You see that peddle down there.

You mean the foot rest thing?

Right, right, that's called a break.

Break. That's right.
That's the break.

If you take your shoe
of the big foot rest

and put it on the little foot rest

the car will go.

Well, I'll try.

Watch it!

Damn fool!

- I'm sorry, Charlie.
- Hmm.

Happened again this morning.

So, I see.

I'm glad mom wasn't here.

She is inside huh?

Oh, here she is now.

Watch the bottom step, mom.

Good morning, Mrs. Swaboda.

Here we go.

Buckle up.

Mom have a good night, last night?

Why don't you ask her?

Everything okay today, Mrs. S?

Oh! She's fine.

Sure you don't me to drive?

Is something wrong with my driving?

Well, now and then.

Come on, Charlie.


Put it into drive.


Away we go.


Well, Walter's late.

I don't mind if he's late
as long as he is himself.

Uh-oh. Here he comes.

He's Rocky.

No, he's himself.
He's just wearing, Rocky's clothes.

Look, can you fellows wait
while I change?

When I was getting dressed this
morning, Rocky took me over.

He looks fine.
Walter, Get in.

Would you mind going the other side?

Mrs. Swaboda is with us today.

Oh! Of course. Of course.

I am sorry Mrs. Swaboda,
I didn't see you.

It's my fault we're late
this morning, Walter.

Got something.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, Dr. Segal.

Good morning.

This is Dr. Carson,
he'd be with us all day today.

In here. In here.



Well, we start.

Miss. West,
whom have we go today?

Mr. Dibley, Mr. Swaboda
and Mr. Berry.

Oh! Fine, fine.

Send in Mr. Dibley, Dibley.

Unusual, amazing case.

Recurring Amnesia.

Good morning Dr. Segal.


Sit down, huh.

Hello there, Bruce Dibley.

Dr. Carson.

You don't mind if Dr. Carson,
sits in here?

- No not at all.
- Oh good.

Now, tell me...

How has your memory been?

Well, I had a little bit
of a lapse this morning,

but on the whole I would
say that it's improving.

Hello there, Bruce Dibley.

Nice to meet you, again.


Let me hear what I gave you
to memorize.

Start me of.

To be.

To be or not to...

To be or not to...


Right. Thank you.

To be or not to be.

Ah, never mind that was a hard one.

Now. Let me hear some poem.

You gave me a poem to memorize?

The sea below.

The sea below the stars above.

The sea below the stars above.

What a night to be in.


Right. How come you know,
all these lines?

Let's try that again.

The sea below the stars above.
What a night to be or not to be.

- Thanks doctor.
- You're welcome.

- Have a good session, Shawn.
- Thank you.

This patient is run for the books.

This is the worst case of parental
fixation I have ever seen.

He never goes anywhere
without his mother.

I see. The mother is strict,
opinionated, domineering. Correct?

I don't know. I never met her.

Hello, Dr. Segal.

Good morning,
Swaboda. Good morning.

Swaboda, this is Dr. Carson.

Hello, Dr. Carson.

He would like to
ask you a few questions.


Is your mother with you today?

Yes, she's in waiting room.

Why don't we bring her in?

Could you ask Mrs. Swaboda,
to come in please.

I don't think I can do that, doctor.

Well, then I'll just come
get her myself.

Nice to see you, Mrs. Swaboda.

Did you have a good session, Charlie?

Yes. Mom hates the new doctor.

Are you ready for
Mr. Berry, Dr. Segal?

Yeah, just give me 60 seconds.

And now doctor we have
something completely different.

A double skizo...

Two distinct personalities,

that take over the patient
without warning.

One calls himself Rocky.

An extremely belligerent person.

The type who sees himself
as a gangster.

Modeled after Jimmy Cagney.

Oh, yes.

And the other personality
is of course...

The exact opposite of Cagney.


correct and well spoken.

Adolphe Menjou, perhaps.

Patti Davis.

It is a woman?

Her name is Kitty.

Do you have any theories?

The patient was born in the
front row of the Roxy theatre

during a double bill.

Dr. Segal?

I, uh... Walter, come, come,
sit down.

This is Dr. Carson.

He would like to speak to you
for a while, huh?

Fine. Well...

Tell me,

does Rocky always choose
the wardrobe?

No, uh... Sometimes Kitty,
sometimes me, it's...

Really a case of first up,
best dressed.

And are Rocky and Kitty friends?

No way.
No, they hate each other.

And I can't stand either of them.

We are not what you would call
one big happy family.

I see.

For one thing, Rocky is always
getting into fights.

Look at that.

And as for Kitty...

What does she do?

Excuse me.

Smokes like a chimney.

And you have no warning,
when they coming on.

Gosh, nope. I'm usually
the last one to know.

Different things seems to
bring them on, different times.


Would Rocky mind if I smoked?

Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah.


Yeah. I'd mind.
I'd mind plenty.

But if you want a cigarette,

then you, you have.


Want some more?

Take it easy, doc.

That was Rocky.

So I gathered...

I trust you left me one cigarette.

Will you look at
this ridiculous clothes.

I look like Judy Garland.

You're new?

I wish somebody would tell
that cheap hoodlum out there...

I am sick and tired
of his constant brawling.

Do you hear? Sick, Sick, Sick.

You have a kind face.

How was your session, Walter?


How was yours?

Not bad. You know,
Dr. Segal's a nice guy,

but he wants me to take one
of those, wedding concourses.

Memory course.

Yeah. Memory course.

You know I might not have total
recall but I don't think I need, uh...

- What do you call it?
- Memory course.

Yeah memory... You know, you don't
have to repeat yourself, Charlie.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

Thanks, Dibley.

So long, Charlie.

Yeah, we'll see you Thursday, Walter.

See you, Walter.


Good bye, Mrs. Swaboda.

Good morning, man.

Rocky was first up, huh?

Are you, Rocky?

Oh, not at the moment.


He is not around right now,

but I can help you.
Is it about a tour?

When I called up I spoke to Rocky.

He said he was
the Hollywood specialist

and I shouldn't talk
to anybody else here.

Uh, but I can set
the whole thing up for you.

Hotels, studio tours, TV tickets.

Well, I'll just check back later.

But wait...

- Oh, good morning.
- Is Kitty in?

Well, she hasn't shown up yet.

Well, when is she due?

It's anybody's guess.

But if it is about a trip
to Hollywood I can help you.

I spoke to Kitty on the phone.

She said, she was the expert.

I shouldn't deal with anyone else.

Well, she would say.

But I have all the facts
for you right here.

No. I'll drop in again.

But wait.

We have two new clients today, Mom.

We'll share them. Okay?

- Mr. Swaboda?
- Yes.

We are the McNultys.

Oh. Come in. Come in.

Step this way, please.

My mother will see you.

Mr. and Mrs. McNulty.


Mr. and Mrs. Freeman?

That's right.

Mr. Freeman?

- Okay, come right in.
- Okay.

Well, obviously you are here
because the matrimonial path is...

Become a little shaky, correct?


On a Richter Scale it would
be a nine.

What seems to be the problem?

You're looking at it.

He comes home drunk
and beats up on me.

He comes home sober
and beats up on me.

His bookie get's his paycheck...

And when he's not out
with the boy's all night,

he's out with the girls all night.

He swears at my mother.

I ain't had a new dress in ten years.

And if I cook something
which he don't like,

he throws at my face.


I'd like to hear
your side of it, Mr. Freeman.

That is my side of it.


So, Mr. Swaboda.

What do you think?

Can this marriage be saved?

Frankly, I don't see how.

Oh! Thank God.

What are we doing here, John?
I love you.

- You know, it was all my fault.
- No, no. It was mine.

I was a crazy fool.

I can't thank you enough.

You made two people, very happy.

That's what we're here for.

Well, mom. You did it again.

- Good morning, Bruce.
- Hi, Lorry. Hi.


Good morning.


- Mr. Peters.
- Dibley.

Hi, how was the clinic?


Tie me up, will you?

I got to earn some money.


Concentrate, will you?

I love having you work here...

But I don't want you to lose the job.

Carol, when was the last time,
I lost the job?

Day before yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

Look, honey.
I'm gonna go out there today,

and I am gonna break every sales
record they have in this place.

All right.

How about a chafing dish?

Chafing dish?
What's a chafing dish?

Madam, good day.
Could I have your attention one second?

Sir, sir. How about you? Can I have
your attention just for one second?

- Yeah.
- Come on, come over here.

I will show you something,
you're not going to believe.

Do you pay big cleaning bills?
I bet you do.

Would you like to get out from under?
I bet you would.

Watch me. Come on everybody.
Gather around here for just one second.

Come on. I'll show you something,
you will not believe.

I am going to show you...

The Mac Beth spot remover.

It will save you a fortune
and it works...

Just like a charm.

Sir, I am gonna ask you to do
a big favor.

I don't know you. Do I?

I am gonna ask you to owe me
your jacket.

You have my personal word of honor
that I am gonna give it back to you,

just the way, you gave it to me.

He is a sport.
How about a nice round of applause?

Thanks a lot. Okay.

You look like a busy
business executive to me.

Let's say, you're having breakfast.
What happens?

Some sloppy waitress, we've all
had those sloppy waitress, huh?

She gets scrambled eggs,

all over your jacket.

Don't worry now.
I don't want you to worry.

What happens at lunch?
Some clown jogs your elbow.

And you're Bloody Mary...

All over the place.

Now you're walking back to work
you have things on your mind.

What happens?

Some guy eating an ice cream cone
runs right into you and gets...

Chocolate syrup all over the jacket.

Is the luck any better
at your office? No.

Because your secretary gets
a little too friendly.


all over...

Your beautiful jacket.

Now, ladies and gentleman.

This is what I call,

a class A stain.
Look at that stain.

A dry cleaner
will charge you at least...

Seven dollars to get this out.

But you don't have to go to
a dry cleaner, right, sir?


What are you gonna use, instead?

The Mac Beth spot remover.


The Mac spot remover.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Get the stain out of my jacket.

If I were you, I'd sent it
to the dry cleaner.

But that will cost me, seven bucks.

That's outrageous. Isn't it?

Just a minute.

You get that stain out.


What kind of stain is this?

Eggs, Bloody Mary, ice cream
and lipstick.

What kind of work do you do?

Give it to me. I'll do it.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Wow. Looks like it's...


Let me see that.

Wow! That's amazing.

Anybody know,
where I can get this stuff?

So, how was your session, Charlie?

Oh, I don't know. That Dr. Segal
is getting to be really a snob.

Today, he ignored mom, completely.

He can be pretty rude to.

You know what he said to me,
when I went in for my session?

"Good morning, all!"

Uh-oh. Looks like there
is an accident up there.

- Why don't we turn of here?
- Don't look, mom.

Do you know where it goes to?

I think third street.

Want to change your luck?

Tough neighborhood.

Look, we are looking
for Christian boulevard.

Can you help us out?

Sure, we can help you out.

We're just looking for...

Hey... Come on,
let's see how you fly.

Come on, you look good back there.

Let's see what you look like,
out here. Come on.

Just be in the car, Mom.

What are you doing?

Is Rocky around, Robert?

Hey, man.
You ain't got... Here.

Don't curse in front of my mom.

This is your mother?

Coward, pushing a woman,
how dare you?

This is your mother, huh?

Two stinking dollars, huh?

- You're gonna have to do a little bit better.
- Sorry, that's all I have.

Now you listen, punk.

You get out of here,

or I'll put your head in that door,

and break your nose... Off.


And if you don't give our wallets
back we are going to call the...

- Call the, police. Yeah.
- Police.

All right. Give us the wallets.
And where's mother's purse?

All right, now, scram.
All of you.

Come on, get in.

Excuse me Mrs. Swaboda.

Nice timing, Rocky.

Oh, he's gone again.

But we are lucky he showed up.

That kid was lucky.

- Kitty would have scratched his eyes out.
- Yeah.

What a rude bunch.

- Everybody okay?
- Yeah.

It wasn't Dibley's fault, Mom.

Car looks funny.

Boy! It sure does.

What the hell happened?

Oh! Would you look at that?

Grand Canyon.

It's a very big hole.


$25. That's not fair at all.
How long would that take?

Just like that.

Can you fix it while we wait, sir.

Fix it?

No I mean,
I'll take it of your hands,

for $25.

Just a minute. How much is it going
to cost to get this car running again?

Buddy, I can't get it
to crawl, for less than $1000.


This car only cost 650.

What can I tell you?
You totalled it.


No, we didn't total it.

- City totalled it.
- Yeah, the city.

There are potholes.

Well, go find, city hall.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Harriet can wear blue, but she
just don't look good in green...

Miss, excuse me.

My garbage hasn't picked up
in two weeks.

Window four.

- Green just ain't...
- I have an alligator in my toilet.

Window four.

- She should stay with blue. You
know what I mean? - Potholes!

Window number four.

Excuse me, I am very sorry.

- You were saying.
- I said, Harriet don't wear green.

But that girl got a mind like...

Excuse us ladies. Excuse us.
Can we see someone in charge?

Help you?

Yeah, you can help us.
You can buy us a new car.

We just hit a pothole as big
as a stripe mine.

Well, have you previously
notified this office in writing

of the exact location
of the pavement deterioration?

- Previously? Of course not.
- We didn't know, we are going to hit it.

I am sorry but no claim
can be considered...

Unless a complaint has been
lodged prior to any damage done.

That's ridiculous.

That's the law.

- Dibley?
- Hmm.


Hi. I just got home to.

What do you do today?

- Huh?
- Root beer?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.


What's wrong?

They killed our car.

- Who did?
- The city.

We had a pothole.

Car was totalled.

Wow! Was anybody hurt?


Swaboda said,
his mother has got whiplash.

Good luck with that one, in court.

I will tell you something.
Mrs. Swaboda has got better shot in court

than we do.

We can't sue the city.
Listen to this, Carol.

We can't sue the city because
we dint previously complain,

about the pot hole, that we just hit.

That's ridiculous.

That's the law.

Oh! Well.

You know, it was an old car,

and it was getting kind of smelly.

We need that car
to go to the clinic...

And more than that it's
the principal of this thing.

If we wrecked the car that belonged
to the city, we get arrested...

But when they wreck ours it's
"Go away kid, you bother me."

That's not fair.

Is it, Carol?

No, it isn't.
But what're you gonna do?


All day long at the store,
I missed you.

It was long, long day.


Should we have dinner
before or after?

Before or after what?


The ironing.

Move forward, darling.

Yes. Now, move backwards.


Now, move forward again.

Oh, yes.

It's all coming back to me now.

- Why do you always want to
watch television afterwards?

'Cause it's not fine to watch during.

Oh, I love it when you talk dirty.

Oh, is there a good movie?

There's one on Channel 6

about the Japanese Navy
capture of Wake Island in 1941.

Oh, I love stuff like that.

Just what we needed,
Naval bombardment.

You're right.
That's just what we need.


To make the city buy us a new car.

You and the Japanese Navy?

We don't need them.
We can do this ourselves.

Sorry, Mom, there out of sync.
Just put a little cream in it.

- Uh, is anyone using that chair?
- Of course.

Walter's late.

Let me cross, please!

Look, it's him now.


Get off the street!

Yeah, you too, buddy!

Now, I think I've seen enough.

Please don't tell me,
the hair is like that.

Sorry, fellas.

- Good morning, Walter.
- Good morning.

Oh, Walter.

Morning, Mrs. Swaboda.

May I?

- Kitty gout up first this morning, huh?
- Uh, didn't go to bed.

There was a part all night.

Sorry, I don't have any aspirin.

Hmm, maybe Kitty has some.

Okay, guys. I'll tell you
why I called this meeting?

The city destroyed our car,

and we're supposed to just
shrug it off, forget about it,

because of some insane law, right?

Well, that's not good enough for me.

- Not for me.
- It stinks.

The facts are plain and simple.

Our car costs $650,
the city owes us $650...

But they don't want to
pay, so, what we gonna do?

We only have one alternative. We
have to take the money from the city.

Well, how do you take money
from the city?

Walter, I'm glad you asked me
that question.

What was the question?

How do you take money from the city?

Good question, Charlie.

We have get hold of the, uh...

The guy who runs the city.

- The, uh, man in charge, the, uh...
- Mayor!

Right! Mayor.

But the mayor's always
surrounded by people.

He's got policemen, firemen,
newspaper people.

You'll never get close to him.

We don't have to get close.

We can threaten them
with naval bombardment.

You've got to be joking.


You don't like it?

I think, it's the most
ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Well, sure, it's a little ridiculous

but that's just why it'll work.
It's new, it's different.

Oh, it's different, all right.

Don't you guys realize what you're
talking about is armed robbery?

- Armed robbery?
- Wait a minute. They owe us money.

Yeah, not to mention, extortion.

The city wrecked our car.


I know they did
but you still can't do this.

Don't... You'll be criminals.

- Criminals!
- Criminals?

You... You really think so?


We're not criminals.

- Carol, they're the ones that
are criminals. - Right, exactly.

Charlie, are you in this too?


Does your mother know?

She behind us 100 percent, Carol.

What about you, Walter?

I'm all for it.

Your minds are made up.


There's no way that I can talk
you guys out of it? No way.

Forget it. Don't try.

Okay, Count me in.

- Hey!
- All right!

I wanted to do it, Carol!
You'll never regret this!

This is going to be the biggest
thing that's ever happened.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
Wait a minute.

- Dibley?
- What?

The only reason I'm in on this is
so that I can have some control.

What you mean "Control"?

I mean that if things
start looking dangerous,

I have the right
to call the whole thing off.

It's not dangerous.


Come on!



Where do we start?

Okay. First we got to
get the cannon.

From Sears?

Oh, that's not funny, Carol.

You get the cannon
from the Dade County Armory.

To get into an armory,
you have to be a soldier.


This is a surprise
bag's Inspection, recruits!



Hey, what do you think?

- It's great!
- Oh, you look cute but who're you supposed to be.

Well, what does it look like? I'm
Miami's most decorated soldier.

I'm gonna tell them the National
Guard is having a recruiting drive,

and we need a cannon for publicity.

That'll never work.

Oh, yes. It will, Carol.
You just wait.

When you see me next time, it
gonna be... Mission accomplished.

About face!

Oh, my God!
I've been drafted.

Oh, no. Not now.

Believe me.
It always happens at the worst time.

Squadron, halt!

Parade, brusque!

- You look nice, Charlie.
- Not bad.

- Good one.
- Yeah.

Mum, how's that whack uniform fit?

So, where it'll be, Sarge?
A track, a bar, a massage parlor?

- Uh, Dade County Armory, please.
- Yeah, that's good too.

Here you are...

Buy yourself a new cigar.

- Downtown, you seemed different.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, travel is very broadening.

Yeah, hold it...

I'm looking for your man.

Inside. First office
on the left.

Here, you are...

For your trouble.

Your boss around, kid?

May I tell him who's here?

Yeah, General MacArthur.

Uh, yes, sir.
Right this way, sir.

-You can wait in the colonel's office.
-All right.

Come in! Come in.

- Colonel Jason?
- Yeah.

There's someone in your office
who says he's a general.

A general? Here?

Yes, sir.
He's wearing about two pounds of medals!

Take over here, Sparks.

Huh... A general.

Uh, general...

Hello, soldier.

Didn't we meet
at the Stage Door Canteen?

Oh, come on, fellas.

Don't feel bad.
You gave it your best shot.

Look, I'm gonna grab this bus.

Watch your step, Mom.

Come on, Mum.

Cheer up, Dibley.
Hey, come on.

Let's go away, okay?
We could go Italian.


You know, all the pasta.

Salad. We'll open that bottle
of wine. Hmm?

You know, pasta turns you on.

We'll go back to the house,
cook... The music.



Ah, it's a tank!

Come on, Carol!

- Dibley, are you crazy?
- Stop it.

No! Wait... Wait...

- Follow that tank!
- Which tank?

The green one.

All right.

That's it!

We hit the jackpot.

Look at all those cannons.
No one will ever miss one.

Forget it.
There are too many people.

Look at all the armed guards
and what about this fence here?

Oh, come on.
Dibley, let's go home. Please?

Wonder what time
they break for lunch.

Beats me.

Didn't you were say something
about an Italian lunch?

Oh, come on, no.

I can't eat that stuff.
It gives me gas.

Hey, give me
one of both of your cookies.

Is the coffee any good today?

When was it good?

You know something?
I got to compliment you.

We're watching your lunch hour.
You swing a mighty mean crane.

- Uh, thank you very much.
- Hi.

- Would you like a hot dog?
- Uh, no.

- Come on, we had two already.
Go ahead. Feel free. - Okay.

Thank you very much.

Can I talk to you in private
for a second?

Mr. Uh...

Kendall. Randall Kendall.

Randall Kendall.
That's a good solid American name.

- Do I look like a regular guy
to you, Mr. Kendall? - Sure.

- I'm not.
- Huh?

I work for secret agency of
the United States government.

- You mean, like the CIA or something?
- No, sir.




We're so secret,
we don't have any initials.

Sir, these arms you're loading,
you know where they're going?

Uh, they don't give me
that information, sir.

They're going to the Soviet Union.

Russkies are getting it?


The company you're working for,

is secretly supplying arms
to the Soviet Union.

- That's treason!
- That's right, sir,

so this is gonna be bigger
than a water gate, and you...

Mr. Randall Kendall can
help us break it, wide open.

- Oh, what can I possibly do, sir?
- We need hard evidence.

We need one of those cannons.

Right! That's what we need.

That's right. Where can I get
a hold of you, sir?

- I can give you my number.
- That's good.

Write it down, Mr. Kendall,
you're a patriotic American.

- I'm gonna be calling you tonight.
- Okay, what's your name?

What is...

I get it.
Your name is a secret too.

Don't worry,
I'll recognize your voice.

God bless you, sir.

Let's go. I got his number.

You also got his lunch.

Well what now?

I'm gonna call Walter and Swaboda
to have meet us on West Flagler.

What are we gonna do on West Flagler?

- Uh-huh!
- Hmm?

Well, I'm sorry, we're late,
but I took mum to a dance class.

- Jazz?
- Hey, don't worry, you made it.

- Yeah, that's great news
about the cannon. - Yeah.

- Do you really think, we could get one?
- I'm positive...

What we do need though,
is something to pull it.

I figured, if we get a car from
one of these lots around here,

we could take it out
for like a... Trial spin.

A long one.

- Hey. - Relax. We're gonna
bring it back... Eventually.

- I like it.
- I love it.

- I hate it.
- Let's do it.

- Yeah!
- No!

I'll get a cab to take us to
West Flagler.

- Taxi!
- Dibley?



We're on West Flagler.

How much do I owe you?

That's it. The Jeep.

It's got a tow bar.

It's perfect.

It's better than perfect.
The keys are in it. I bet.

- Come on, Carol, hop in. Come on.
- No.



That's the shortest test drive
on record.

Folks, you've come
to just the right place.

Hey, that's a fine vehicle you got.

Unfortunately, I've one just
like it somewhere on the lot.

But you look like
such fine folks. Watch this.

I'm gonna offer you 1500 bucks...

Cash on the barrel.


Hey, Benson, over here!

Uh, boss, I got to go.

Well, here comes Betty
with the money.

Just give her this. She'll take
care of the paperwork for you.

Take care.

Thank you.


You know your cars.
Run you for life, this baby.

And because it happens to be
today's red ticket special,

I can let you have it for $1600.

- How about $1400?
- 15.


I was there.
I still don't believe it.

Well, you better believe it, Carol.
It's all coming together.

We got the Jeep.
We got the gun.

We don't have a single problem now.

- We got problem.
- Good.

I just spoke to Kendall,
the crane operator.

- He's pointing something out.
- Is there dressing in this salad?

Yeah, we're all set for tomorrow,

but if I want to see the size of the gun,
it's over.

It's going to be 2000
stevedores on that dock.

You forgot tomatoes.

Oh, yeah.

How can we get 2000 stevedores to
look the other way for three minutes.

Oh, the only thing I know that
would distract them is a naked girl.


Oh, no.

Oh, no. N-O.

Absolutely, categorically, no!

Yeah, yeah. That's perfect.

Just perfect.

First we rented army uniform
and this, now, the boat.

This thing is costing us a fortune!

You relax, Carol.
You're gonna get it all back.

At least we didn't
have to rent the Jeep.

- Oh, that's true. We stole that.
- Borrowed it.

I'll take it back tomorrow.

All right, guys.
Be careful with that.

All right.
Let's synchronize our watches.

I've 9:57 a.m.

I've 10:03 a.m.

- What time do you have, Dibley?
- I don't have a watch.

10 o'clock.
Let's just call it 10 o'clock.

- Okay, 10 o'clock.
- Okay, yeah.

Okay, at that's 60 minutes
to zero hour.

- Good luck, Dibley.
- Good luck, Charlie.

- Carol.
- Walter.

Thanks. Bye. You too.

Good luck.

I got something for you.

What is it?

Just try it on.

Oh, Dibley.

Come on, take it up!

Okay, I'll un-sling the cannon.

You hit it to the tow bar,
and we both get to the back seat.

Well, somebody's got to drive.

My mum's got a license.


I'll drive.

Gentlemen, are you tired
paying big cleaning bills?

Of course, you are. Well, I'll show
you guys a way to get out from under.

- What're you talking about?
- No more...


Tonight, and every night,
the Club... Represents.

NASA Stripperama.

Fifteen, beautiful girls,
every night of the week.

This is the big show.
The hot show.

This is the exact show that
everyone is talking about.

What a theater!

What a pleasure!
What delight!

Yes, sir, it's a great show!
I'm gonna give you a little preview.

Because here she is from Cleveland.

The blonde bombshell herself,

- Miss. Shaker Heights.
- Come on, a round of applause!

- That's it!
- Yay!

Shake it...

Take it off!

Come on, Carol, take it off.

It's stuck.

- What do you mean "stuck"?
- Just take it off.

Take the freaking thing off!

I'm trying to take
the freaking thing off!

Ah, ah, ah. Ah!

We did it, Walter.

Let's go.

Good God!

-You don't expect me to drive
this stick shift, do you?
-Oh, no, you kidding.

Why couldn't it be Rocky?


- All that gangster can drive is a
getaway car. -This is a getaway car!

All right, come on, Kitty.
Come on, Kitty, move over.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, no, my hair is a mess.

My nails are distraught.

I don't know why I got into this.


- Yay!
- Get in.

- We got it.
- It's over at mom's.

You guys are fantastic.

We could've done without you too.

- Boy, it must have been some
bumping, huh? - Hi, Carol.

She killed them.
Come on, we got a lot to talk about.

Let's get something to eat.

No, you guys go ahead.

I'm just, uh, gonna go inside
and scream for a while.

Come on, let's go.
She's just a little upset.

Take me to the, uh...

The armored truck
meets up at the bank.

The car will wait here...

Turns into the...
And goes uptown.

This where we hit it...
At eighth street.

- Why there?
- Cause that's where the machine is.

There's only one real trick
to take on an armored truck.

You got to get the doors open
in a hurry.

Hey, you thought of everything, boss.

Except one thing.


Cops. We'll need a diversion.


- Don't worry, boss. You'll think of something.
- Diversion.

Diversion, Louie.

I don't see how we can miss.

We got the car
and, now, we got the cannon.

Yes, but we still need the boat.

I saw something that's perfect.

We can drive a cannon, ride onto it,

and it's available every half hour.

It'll be in our own ferry.

That's great.

Now, all we have to do is find
out when the mayor's home.

- Tomorrow!
- How you know that?

Um, I read in the newspaper.

He's giving a luncheon, I think,
some out-of-town group.

That's perfect.
Money is good as ours.


You forgot something.

- What?
- Further down.

My shoes.


What do you think...
get their money back from the mayor?

Taxes, what else?

Who cares?

If they're really gonna do it, we'll
get that armored truck and the platter.

What about timing?

It's perfect.

When they hit the mayor,
they're luncheon.

Every cop in town
will be at his place

what? About 2:00, 2:30.

That truck reaches
eighth street at 2:45.

That will give us
a nice, clear field.

- Huh?
- You wanted a diversion.

It could be we got ourselves
a beauty!

Hi, Carol.

Hi, honey.


What'd the police say?

We didn't go to the police. We went to
see Randall Kendall, the crane operator.

Oh, good.
You took the gun back, huh?

Are you kidding?
We're going through with this.

Goddamns! We went through
all this last night.

Once you tell the police what
those crooks are planning,

they'll tell them
what you're planning.

I know that. That's exactly why
we're not gonna tell the police.

We're not even gonna get
close to them.

You mean, you're gonna let those
people rob an armored truck?

No, we're not.

We're gonna stop them ourselves.

As soon as we get
our money back from the mayor.

But those are real crooks.

You guys are going up against
an armed gang!

We were not the only ones that
are gonna be armed, Carol.

- Yeah. Look.
- Look at these.

Look what we got
from Mr. Kendall.

- What do you think?
- That's it.

That is it. Excuse me.

- It's over!
- Huh?

-I'm calling the whole thing off.
-What do you mean?



Oh, I don't know.
I'm guess, I'm just frightened.


I went into the river so that
you guys could boost a gun, okay.

That's one thing.

But to expect me to help you
fire it is something else.

The whole thing is off!

Off? What do you mean?


No, it isn't.

But you agreed I can pull the
plug if things got out of control!

Yeah, but nothing has...
Everything is under control.


Just look up there.

See, you guys, brought home a live
artillery shell in a racket ball bag.


That's not all we brought home.

Yeah. Wait, till you see this,

What's that?


You were in the Army.
Now you're in the Navy.

Coast guard...

-I have your costume right in here.
-Am I in the coast guard too?

No, silly.

Your job is to pick up
the money from the mayor...

So, we got a costume
that you stand out in.

You know, so he can't mistake you.

Oh, he couldn't mistake me.

All he has to do is look for a woman
whose mind is hanging by a thread.

- Carol.
- When is this gonna take place?

In four hours.

Dibley, you got it up here.

-That sign was a great idea too.
-It could be worse.

We're about to find out.

Hey, that was a good movie.

Okay, the next ferry is ours,
that's at one.

Let's say it takes us
10 minutes to grab it.

What about 30 minutes to sail
to Star island?

That's about 15 minutes
to convince the mayor

and 30 minutes for the trip back...
That's back here at 2:30, okay?

It could be tight, we're supposed
to hit the armor truck at 2:45.

We'll have plenty of time, as long
as the four of us, work as a team.


Are you sure your
mum should come?

I mean, stick-up's no place
for a woman.

Kitty will probably be there.

Benerke landing, Benerke.

Get your hands away from the rails,

and wait to disembark
till the gate has been lifted.

Thank you, and have a pleasant day.

Let's go, come on.

Let's go, let's go.

Okay, let's do it.

Would you hold it right there?
Just hold it, thank you.

Dibley, switch on the ignition.

The ignition, right.

No, no, no the key.

The key, right.

All right, now put
the gear stick in the first.

Oh, sure, put the gear stick
in the first.

When do I push to second?

Wait for me.

What the hell is going on?
Keep this rig moving.

Could you please close that barrier,
it's an emergency.

Just get it out of here, will you.

- There's no need to shout, just close that
barrier... - Hey, look admiral, move it!

Doing it again, shut up!

I'm sorry folks,
this is an official emergency.

- You will have to wait for the next ferry.
- When's that?

Coastguard, Captain,
don't let any passengers on.

Why, what did they do?

This is an emergency,
give the order, please.

Hold the traffic coming in.

So, what's up?

I'm afraid, Captain, there's a
serious outrage of yellow fever.

Right on Wolf island.

Gives us no choice,
but to quarantine this ferry.

You can't do that, I got orders.

Sir, if you take this boat
out one more time today,

you could be subjecting the city
of Miami, to a hideous epidemic,

of hideous proportions.

They got alligators,
hurricanes, tourists,

they ain't even going to
notice an epidemic.

I'm sorry, Captain.

Taking all I'm going to from
you sailor,

now, move it.

Now, you thought it would
be easy meat, eh?

You think you're pretty good
with your dukes, eh?

What do you know,
you ferry-boat-fairy?

I'm terribly sorry,
I have this condition, you see that...

You don't leave me now!

Captain, there is just
one more thing.

The Mayor is naturally very
concerned about the epidemic threat,

he has insisted on seeing
the ferry personally.

However, he's tied up
right now, so...

Before we go to quarantine,

I'm sure you wouldn't mind popping
up the bait in the Mayor's house.

Everything ok, Charlie?


I think.

That cheap hoodlum...

Will you look at this?
I must look like a battered wife.

You can't go in there.

And why not?

Because, mom's in there.

I only wish to use the mirror.

Well, mom's always been
pretty broadminded.


What's the matter?

We're in big trouble.

- Why?
- Come here.

I can't find my ticket.

We didn't buy a ticket.

Then we're really in trouble.

Captain, as soon as we get
opposite the residence,

would you mind swinging the boat around,
so that the mayor can see it's empty.

Anything for the mayor.

-A Nice lunch, Mr. Mayor.
-Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Would you like some coffee?

Yes, I would.

You're from New York, right?


- The Bronx.
- Oh.

How do you like Miami?

Oh, it's great.

Except I keep getting mugged
all the time.

Oh, in this city?

Yes, Your Honor.

When I got off the plane,
a guy stole my watch.

Back at the hotel,
that dude in the elevator took my wallet,

and a room service waiter,
held me up for my electric razor.

Oh, that should have never
happened to you in Miami.

You're right, Mr. Mayor,
I can get all that back at home.

Well, we do have our occasional
incidents, every now and then, but...

Nothing like what you described.

Well, I'm happy to hear that,
Mr. Mayor,

frankly I was beginning to think that
everybody in this town was a mugger.


Mr. Mayor.

Excuse me.

You must come to safety, Sir,
there's a man on the end of the island,

threatening your life with a gun.

I hardly think I'm in any danger if
I'm here and a man with a pistol,

is on the end of the island.

You don't understand, Sir,

they're anchored right off the front
lawn, they've got an army cannon.

Who are they?
Can you see?

Two sailors, Sir, they had a sign,

but all I could read
was the word "Realto".

They're Cuban navy.

What do they want?
Did they say?

They said something about money.

This is the mayor speaking.

We won't pay a penny
more than half a million.

How much?

How much do they want?

650 dollars.

Plus some out of pocket expenses.

I'm adding to exactly,
92 dollars and 43 cents.

I assume you're not
doing this out of sheer greed.

We're doing it because our car was
totaled in one of your potholes...

And your bureaucrat just...

One of our potholes
wrecked their car.

But, we can't pay them,
Mr. Mayor.

We can't give into blackmail.

What if we said yes?

We'd pay them ourselves,
out of our own pockets...

We could come out of this
smelling like a rose.

Would you be open to a deal?

What kind of deal?

We can get your money,

but you don't breathe a word
of how you got it.

- We won't.
- No!

What happened was I heard
about your car,

and touched by your bad luck,
tracked you down,

and reimbursed you myself.

That's the story I'll give
to the press.

Oh I get it, you score some points,
and we get our money back.

Okay, you got yourself a deal.

Have the money at the ferry landing,
in exactly 30 minutes.

Put it in a shopping bag,
and a woman's going to pick it up.

Well, how will I know her?

All right, I'll be there.

How brilliant, Sir.

Fantastic, Sir.

But, now, we got to get
the money together.

I've got 45 dollars.

I've got 60.

Right, now get
the rest of the staff in here.

Good news, Captain, the Mayor just
told me that it's not yellow fever.

No quarantine?

No quarantine.

Full speed ahead, Bradshaw,
and damn the torpedoes.




Thank you, Gunther.


-We're still about 10 dollars short, Mr. Mayor.

But... This is worth
about 80 dollars, Sir.

Oh, thanks, O'Brian.

I think the people we're dealing with,
have all the guns they need.

Well, there's only
one thing for it...

I'll have to borrow it from
one of the guests.

I'm awfully sorry to bother you,
but, can I ask you a big favor?

Let me have 10 dollars.


No problem.

Take it all.

Oh, no, no, no.

Just the 10, you're very kind.

Even the Mayor.

We did it!

Money's on the way to the terminal.

Okay, now comes the hard part.

Yeah, the armored car.

Ten after two.

10 after,
we're gonna really have to hurry.

Sure you know what you're doing?

I ought to. I've been
doing it for 10 years.

Maybe you haven't done it
to an armored truck before.

An armored truck, a building,
what's the difference?

Okay, wait for my signal.

Is this going to work?

Them armored trucks,
are as tight as a can of beans.

So, we got a big can opener.

14 minutes.

13 minutes.

Come on, come on.

I just hope we can
recognize the pickup.

I don't think we're going to
have any problem.

God be with you.

I take that you are with
the pothole people.

Oh, yes!

Give her the money.

You sure you with them?

Why, do you see another skating nun?

There she is, easy now,
I'm going to get close...

- Yeah we did it.
- I got it.

Thanks, you make a very good nun.

What's their rush, we had a deal?

They're on their way to a robbery.

-How many do they do a day?
-No, no, they're gonna try and stop one.

I don't know if they can handle it.

Well, in that case,
we better help them out, come on.

Let me get the gun.

Who the hell is that?

It's those guys from
the highlight, move it.

Come on, hurry up.

Here they are, right on schedule.

We got here just in time.

Come on, come on, move.

Stay on their tail, Dibley.

Something isn't right.

Oh, it's the cops, step on it.

I'll get some back up.

No, let's do it ourselves.

Try to get in front of them,
Dibley we'll stop them with our cannon.


My God, they've called out the navy.

Well, we just missed it by one.

-Just got to get in front of them.
-You can do it, Dibley.


The armored car!

Right, get in front of them.

I think they're going to make
a right.

Okay, hold on, here we go again.

That's great!

There goes the Navy.

This is where we came in.

Well, that's okay, Dibs!

I wonder where this goes.



What are you doing?

It's the mayor.


You jackass, will you move?

...any money?

Oh, yeah!

What are you doing?


Coast guard.


Oh, no!


Oh, come on, what next?

We've got them.

We've got them.

I think we got them.

Got us.

Don't worry, we're in an armor truck,
they can't touch us.

You're under arrest,
come on out with your hands up.

Sorry, we're closed.

Na, na, you can't get in.

Hey why'd we stop?

Hey, look what the guard left behind.

They're taking the over pass.
Now's your chance, Dibley.

Hang on!

I lost them.

Found them.

All right, go slow,
let them get ahead.

What are they doing?

- I don't know, but I'm going
to stop them. - Atta boy, Dibs.

Stay with them,
I think they're up to something.

My God, I think they've all gone
out of gas at the same time.

No, it's no good, get going, move.

Take a left, take a right,
take something.

We're taking the train.

Stay with them.

I meant on the road,
get off the tracks.

-Will you get this thing off the tracks?
-I can't.

We've got to get ahead of them
on those tracks.

Make contact...

Never again, not with you.

Oh, no, not now.

Grab the wheel, grab the wheel.

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

Mums hat blew off.

I told you not to bring her.

Grab hold of Walter,
Mrs. Swaboda.

Walter, that builds up,
things get a little dangerous,

and he runs off like
a fighting bunny rabbit.

Grab hold of... Mrs. Swaboda.

What's going on over there?

I think Dibley has forgotten
how to drive,

and either rocky or kitty
has taken over Walter,

and something must have
happened to Mrs. Swaboda.

What's that?

Hold steady, okay, Charlie,
give me the shell.

Let's say I like being in the
business in this, little pumpkin.

-I think, they'll blow us away.
-Na, they're bluffing.

Oh, my God.

Okay you guys, this one's,
for Swaboda's mother.

Ah, nuts.

You're all right?

Oh, sure.

Okay, it's all over.

We're going to prison,
and you're eating bananas...


Dibley, oh, oh...

Are you all right?

I'm fine, thank you sister.

Oh, he's all right!

His Honor.

I'd like to thank all of you,
for your help.

No hard feelings Your Honor?

On the contrary, the city owes
you a deep debited gratitude.

We can keep the money?

Oh, absolutely.

Thank you.

You're Carol.

Oh, Dibley.

Well... City hall...
What did the car cost?

The guy wanted 650 dollars for it,

but, Dibley, gave him
a take it or leave it offer.

So what'd you get it for?


Look out ahead.

Oh, no!

- Watch out, Dibley, watch out!
- Dibley!

Wow, your driving has improved.

- What about your other difficulties?
- I'm cured, Carol.

Really I am, 100 percent.

Honestly, no more problems?

I haven't had any symptoms.

That's wonderful darling.

- You okay, Charlie?
- Yeah.

- Walter?
- Yeah.


What do you say, guys?

We still have the uniforms.


- You coming?
- Come on, Carol.


This time I have a plan.

We need a better boat.

This time we won't bother
with City Hall.

No nuns, no skates, no strippers.