No More Monkeys Jumpin' on the Bed (2000) - full transcript

No More Monkeys Jumpin' on the Bed follows a group of twentysomething couples dealing with obsession, friendship, loneliness and sexual attraction, effectively conveying the intangible nature of human relationships. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
(upbeat music)


- Hi. - You made it.

- Yep. - Well, come in.

- Thanks.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

Is it this way? - Yeah, just straight

on down and on your right.

Just have a seat.

Hey, are you sure you're okay?

- Yeah.

- You didn't have an accident

or anything like that, did you?

- No, no.

It's those fucking people, fucking make me crazy.

- Well, what's goin' on?

- They just keep changing their minds, you know?

We got four days.

Now's not the time to be changing your mind.

Fuckin' director.

He's fuckin' totally insane.

- Well, here, listen.

Look at it this way.

In four days it'll all be over, and I'm sure you'll be fine.

Anyway, try some of that.

- What's this?

- This is Australian Shiraz.

- Oh, I love Australia.

- Oh yeah, have you been there?

- No.

- Oh, well, I have another bottle anyway,

so don't worry about it.

- I'm kinda seeing someone.

- What?

- I shoulda told you.

- Oh, hey, well, no damage.

- He's bisexual, and he sleeps around,

which I don't mind, but what really fucking pisses me off

is he gives me this disease when he said

he wasn't sleeping with anyone.

- He gave you a sexually-transmitted disease?

- It's not AIDS.

- Good.

- You know, I asked him why he slept around

and he just fuckin' smiled.

But I know why.

- Yeah, why?

- He likes to fuck.

I should go. - What?

Oh, but what about supper, though, I mean

- Look, this whole situation just really makes me

feel stupid, okay?

- Okay. - I'm just

- But you might as well have a little something to eat

before you go, I mean, it's all ready.

In fact, I've been cooking this chicken

for quite awhile now.

I mean, are you hungry?

- I'm starving.

- Okay, so have a seat.


- Shit.

- How's it goin'? - Terrible.

I'm terrible at essays.

Why do they want an essay?

They never wanted essays before.

- Do you want me to have a look at it?

- I'm gonna be part-time the rest of my life.

- This isn't that bad.

- You know, I don't even wanna be a children's librarian.

What are you doing?

- Just taking the idea of this sentence

and combining with it further on.

- No, put it back.

- Well, it's gonna be more clear.

- No, that's not more clear.

Put it back! - Just read it

from the start of the paragraph.

- I don't have to read it from the start of the paragraph.

Will you put it back? - All right, fine, fine.

- What are you doing? - I'm putting it back.

- Well, let me do it.

Get out! - I'm just, give me a second!

- Get out of the chair, I'll do it.

Leave me alone!

(computer beeps)

(soft music)

- Hi. - Hey.

- Still here, eh?

Where'd your friend go?

- She left.

So you make one of these?

- Yeah, guess which one?

- Well, it would have to be the most beautiful

and phallic one.

- Well, that's rather rude of you.

You know, it's all business.

It's marketing, right, you gotta sell beer.

- Right. - And so I figure

guys come in to buy beer and they're probably,

after a hard day's work, you know?

So I have a business tie, and they probably wanna

have a bit of anarchy once they get drunk, so business tie

hidden in an A for anarchy, and they probably wanna

get fucked, so there's a little penis hidden

in the anarchy business tie.

- Wow.

- So I figured this is a nice way to advertise.

- It's pretty good.

- I mean, for the beer. - Right.

Do you buy that beer?

Does it work?

- I'm a victim of advertising.

I come drink lots of beer,

which, unfortunately, I can't afford beer.

I'm a starving artist.

- Do you want me to buy you a beer?

- That'd be great, yeah.

- You want that beer?

- Yeah, I'll go for that beer.

- All right, we'll get two.

- Thanks. - One for me,

and one for you.

- Yeah, two for me would be nice.

(laughs) Pushin' my luck.

(jazzy music) (knocks)


- Kyle!

Sorry I'm late. - It's okay,

I just got here.

- Well, this is Lori.

- Lori. - Louise.

- Louise, Lyle.

- Sorry about that.

- I gotta go.

It was fun.

- Nice meeting you. - You too.


- Have fun at work.

- Yeah, I will.

Bye, nice meeting you.

- Nice meeting you, Louise.

- Fuck, that's embarrassing.

- Way to go (chuckles).

- Dude, next time, just jump in there again.

Introductions, you can do it yourself.

That way I won't get into this kind of a situation again.

I figure this is gonna be a thing

that I'll make me some cash.

All I need to do is get a title for it.

I was thinking maybe like fetal foray,

or friends of the fetus, or

just feta.

- [Lyle] That is really disturbing.

- I think I could charge 1000 bucks for that if I got like

a whole series together?

- Somebody'd buy it.

- Yeah, and they'll braid a whole bunch of texts

with it too, all that biomorph ethics, and the future

in plastic generations.

Let's move that to this chair. I got hydraulics workin'.

I just wanna move it over in the other corner here.

- I didn't have any cream, so I put some copy toner in it.

I actually believe that copy toner tastes better than cream

because you know,

it was invented especially for coffee, unlike milk.

- Thanks.

- How's Claire doin'?

- She's okay.

She's gotta write an essay for a job interview

she's got comin' up.

- She's writin' an essay for a job interview?

- What's she gonna say?

Why she wants the job?

Like, I love to work, I love to work with people.

I love to work with other people.

I love to be subservient.

- She didn't like my suggestion of just writing,

"I need the money."

- That seems honest.

Maybe you should get the job

because of some honest response, I don't know.

- It's just makin' her really


- She's getting more anxious?

- Yeah.

- How's the sex goin'?

- She just doesn't seem all that interested in it right now.

- It might be

better to

have a relationship with no sex

than have lots of sex and no relationship.

Things'll work themselves out somehow, I'm sure.

(swanky music)

- Excuse me.

(laughs) Sorry, it's just me, sorry.

- Don't. - Sorry about that.

You're a little high-strung, you just get off work?

- Yes, I was in government and history all day.

Like, I don't even know what I'm doing,

and they're lecturing me, telling me I'm too slow,

and then I have to pick up the pace.

It's like, well, how the fuck do they expect me to be able

to know what I'm doing when I'm only there once a month.

You know what, - That sucks.

- I really hate it.

Yeah. - That sucks.

I think what we need to do is probably go get a beer.

What do you think?

Okay. - Yeah.

I'll have a beer. - I've never

seen you like this, come on.

Let's get a drink. - They drive me crazy.

I'm just tryin' to be a librarian.

- [Peter] I love the building though.

I actually think it looks kinda nice.

- [Claire] Well, some people that work there,

they call it the toilet roll.

- Here we go. - Thank you.

- This oughta make you feel a little better.

- I'm sure it will.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Thank you so much.

- I feel better already.

- Rick. - Hi, how are you?

- [Woman] Good, I saw you over there.

- Yeah, I saw you too.

- I think we met before.

You're Rick, right? - Yeah.

- I'm Peter.

- Yeah, you look familiar.

Probably around here.

- Yeah, I worked at their place with Claire and Lyle.

- Well, not that I didn't come over to see you,

but I came over to find Lyle, because I need $5

to buy someone a drink.

- He's not here, and I don't have it.

- Well, you bein' his agent, could you possibly forward me

$5 so he can pay you back tomorrow.

We have an ongoing agreement, 'cause I'm always

forgettin' my money, you know that.

- I'm strapped.

- Oh really? - Yeah.

'Cause actually, you know what, you already owe me 20.

- 22. - Okay, see. (laughs)

Anyway, Rick, who's the girl you're with?

- Well, her name's Kat.

- Kat? - That's nice.

- Purred right up after I heard that,

'cause I'm sure it's Katrina, but, you know,

someone says their name's Kat, you have to buy them a drink.

- Well, listen, I have a tooney here, Rick.

- There ya go.

- It seems like a worthy cause to me, so there ya go.

I hope that helps. - Thank you.

You make me look like a rich man.

- [Peter] I do what I can. - Hey, she's back.

- Okay, I owe ya, thanks a lot, and I'll talk to ya later.

- That guy.

Every time I see him, he's with a new woman.

- Well, some guys have the touch, I guess.

- Hey, if you wanna be alone, there's a lot

of good-looking women here.

I can leave.

- No, I'd rather sit here with you.

- Really?

- Of course.

- That's very sweet.

- You know, that's the kinda guy I am.

- Sometimes.

- What do you mean?

That's not fair.

- I'm kidding.

I gotta go pee.

Be back.



- Susan.

Susan. - Don't touch me!

(door slams)


- Hello?

You know, you really shouldn't leave

the door unlocked like that.

Hey, I emptied this bank account,

got the Strato Chief insured.

We should go on a little trip.

It'll be great.

You okay?

- Yeah, I'm okay.

- Well, you know, concern doesn't come cheap.

Can I be rewarded with a slice of pizza?

I'll take a small one.

(phone rings)

- [Charlie] Susan, this is Charlie.

You had a shift that started over two hours ago.

Call me as soon as possible, thank you.

- Now if you're gonna take the day off, you might as well go

for a little trip in the Strato Chief.

Come on, you know, fresh air.

- I don't wanna go out in the Strato Chief.

- You get any color work, you can give it to me.

- What?

- Been a lot of mistakes lately,

and I'm the one who's responsible.

- Okay.


- Your tray, it's full.

- I know.

- You know, there's a lot of other stuff to do

on that machine today.

- Yeah, I know, I'll get to it.

- When?

- I said I would get to it.

(laughs) - God, these are hilarious.

- You know what, I think you've lost weight since then.

- I hope so.

I certainly hope I haven't gained weight, 'cause I look,

puffy. (laughs)

- You do not. - Actually,

this must've been quite awhile ago.

- That was over four years ago.

- Wow.

Where'd you get these?

- Oh I just found this roll in my desk and developed it.

- Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now I remember which day this was, because this sculpture

made such a beautiful sound when you kicked it, right?

- It's Captain Vancouver.

- That's right. - Yes.

That's right. - Made a beautiful sound.

Oh my, look at that.

That was before you and I were going out.

I gotta check dinner, excuse me.

- I should see if she needs a hand.

- Sure.

Wow, look at that.

- [Claire] It's hot.

- Claire made the pasta from scratch.

- Really? - It's not that hard.

- Oh, thank you.

Claire tells me you got a new job at a photocopying shop.

- Yeah.

- I thought you had a scholarship.

- Yeah, I did.

- So how's come you're working at a photocopy shop?

- Well, you know this house is more money,

and Claire wanted more space.

- So how's it goin'?

- How's what goin'?

- The job.

- How do you think it's goin'?

- Well, I don't know, that's why I'm asking.

- It's awful.

- Lyle works with this real jerk.

Tell Peter about him.

- He's a real jerk.

- Yeah, well, sometimes bein' a jerk's all it takes I guess.

- [Claire] Start eating.

- [Peter] How's your job prep goin'?

- It's okay.

I drive Lyle crazy though, don't I?

- No. - No, I do.

You can admit it.

- No, it's okay, really.

- I drive you crazy, come on, Lyle, say it.

Say I drive you crazy.

- I drive you crazy.

- See, he can't even admit it.

Would you like some more?

- No, this is gonna be plenty, thanks.

Whoa, man, get a load of this car.

Look at you, you look like something right out

of a Roy Lichtenstein exhibit.

- What?

- Lichtenstein, you know, like a cartoon.

- Come on, let's go. - Are we in a hurry?

- Yeah, let's go.

- Wow, this is amazing.

I meant that as a compliment.

Lichtenstein's a good thing.

- The body's like a battery, all you need's electrolytes.

The bathroom's full of electrolytes.

Give that water in your system, you'll feel a lot better.


Look at that.

Mountain fresh water.

The purity of that, that's gonna be yours very soon.

You'll be up in about

- I really don't feel very well.

- Just keep movin', come on.

Where's your toothbrush?

Wash your hands.

Where's your toothbrush?

Don't you brush your teeth?

- My hair. - You look great.

You look great.

You've always wanted to be a woman who doesn't care

about her hair.

It's the goth look.

All you need is a hat and you're ready to go.

Come on, Lyle's waiting in the car.

Get yourself a hat.

You'll be ready to go.

Here, just sit here.

Look, I'll demonstrate.

I'll be able to deal with things.

You will deal with things.

Just keep that in mind.


There it is.

The hat to travel with.

Come on.

- This is Matt's hat.

- Bad hat.

Better hat.


Right turn.

Left turn.



(upbeat music)

We're young.

We have excellent hats.

We have an excellent car.

I have an excellent mission set up for us.

- Yeah, now the mission I'm a little worried about.

You haven't really given me much to go on with this.

- Well, I think the less you know, the better.

(laughs) Mission's,

it's gonna make you feel all complete.

It's gonna give us a little action,

look like we're participating in life.

- As long as I don't end up in jail.

How was the anticlub last night?

- Anticlub was good.

I had a good time.

Claire and Peter were there.

I'm surprised you didn't show up for that.

- Claire and Peter were there?

- Yeah. - What were they doin'?

- Sittin' there waiting for you.

- Will you guys stop the car?

- Were they havin' a drink or somethin'?

- Yeah.

Drinkin' some beers.

- Guys, can we stop the car?

- What was that?

- Will you stop the car, I think I'm gonna be sick.

- Rick. - What?

- What exactly were they doing?

- They were just havin' a beer.

Hold on, I'm gonna see how Susan's doin'.


You should probably ease up on the wine a bit.

- How come no one'll stay with me?

- He was a jerk.

- He was not.

- He was a total jerk.

- Was he? - Yeah.

It's gonna get better, you know.

You're gonna become emotionally independent

and then a nice guy'll come along, and then you're gonna be

a great team, and then your biological clock's gonna hit in.

And then you're gonna have a family,

and then I'm gonna be Uncle Rick.

So let's get on with it.

Finish pukin' and let's get back on the road

and find yourself a guy.

- Feelin' better?

- I feel a lot better.

- Good.

- Where's Rick?

- I don't know, he went off down there somewhere.

(train brakes squeal)

- Where are we?

- You know, I got no idea.

- Wanna know something?

(train whistles)

I'm afraid to be alone.

- Quick, start the car!

(jazzy music)

- So you wanna do this anymore?

- Ah, I'd take it or leave it.

- Hey, did you see that? Do you see that thing?

- No, see what? - Nevermind.

Well, we might as well just leave it then.

- All right.

- You're pretty good out there though.

Gotta say. - Think so?

- Oh yeah, thought you made some nice contact.

Yeah! - Thanks.

- All right, we got everything? We got the balls?

Okay, let's go. - All right.

- So Kelly and I figured that inside that

Barney the Dinosaur thing the whole time,

it's Marlon Brando making $2 million an episode.

- No. - Oh sure,

you can hear it.

♪ I love you

You know, that sort of thing.

Typically, Marlon sure as hell yells,

get this fuckin' thing off me.

Too fuckin' hot in here.

I can't breathe.

These goddamn kids.

You wanna go get somethin' to eat, like a couple

of fried chickens and maybe a bag of pierogies or something?

- No, I can't, I've got plans for tonight.

- You have plans?

- Yeah, I'm doing a walk with Ted.

- I thought it was like over with you and Ted.

Are you still going out with him?

- I'm not going out with him.

I'm just going for a walk with him.

You're not mad, are you?

- No, of course not. - Good.

- No, we said we were gonna play some tennis.

We played some tennis. - Exactly, right?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- That's fine. - I have to go.

- You gotta go now?

- I gotta go now.

- Okay.

- [Woman] It was fun.

- Yeah, well have a safe drive and I'll call ya,

or you call me.

- Bye. - Bye.

- So I'm sitting there and I hear this car coming

down the street, and right away, I felt the cat tense

beside me, and I thought, oh my God, he's gonna go.

I thought, okay, you have to keep him from running

and I reached out, but as soon as I started moving,

the cat was just gone.

Just took off, just bolted.

- I don't know, like at some point, I feel like I made

this transition between a sensitive guy and a sleaze ball,

'cause this happens all the time and it's

become a bit of a game.

It's all fine though and everything until now the point,

like foreplay's over and we're actually at it,

and it becomes so impersonal that I actually feel like

I'm having an out of body experience lookin' down at myself.

What the fuck am I doing here.

It's a fur fly-off.

- What did you do?

- I stood up right away.

The cat went sort of, he was still alive and went

scrambling off across the street underneath this other car.

- Did the car stop?

- Oh yeah.

The guy got out right away. He was totally shocked,

I don't think he realized what happened.

- Look at Susan.

- Yeah.

- An hour ago she was pukin' her guts out.

She's already got some action.

It's a little too easy.

I could pick somebody up here.

No I couldn't.

I should go.

- Why don't ya

- No, man, look I should go, Claire's gonna be home soon.

- But I need you to stay here and keep me out of trouble.

- You need more than me.

Thanks for the drive.

- Okay, see ya.

(country music)

- So do you want another beer or something?

- Yeah, that'd be great.

- Okay. - Thanks.

- Same kind? - Yeah.

(country music)

Hey. - Hi.

So, you okay here?

- What are you doing?

- I mean the guy's gone, he's gonna, you know,

cigarette's left burning, it's gonna be a waste.

- It's a cigarette.

- I know it's a cigarette. - Get your own.

- Well, I'm kinda runnin' low actually.

- Put it down.

- I need you to come with me.

- No, I think I'm gonna stay.

Thanks, Rick, don't worry about it, okay?

- Okay.

I'll be around

a little big longer. - Get outta here.

- If you check the change in there.

- Yeah, go. - Okay, I'm off here.

- Let me. - Sure.

- What?

- Nothing.

So, where's Lyle?

- Oh, I think he's still out with Rick.

I don't know how he puts up with me.

- Who, Rick?

- No, Lyle. - Oh, Lyle.

Well, listen, I actually, I kind of admire him.

- Lyle? - Yeah.

- Why? - 'Cause I would,

I'd love to love somebody that much.

- Well, I do love him.

- I know.

- It's just,

well, we haven't slept together for three months.

- Hey. - Hey, Lyle.

- Hi.

- What are you two up to?

- Sittin' around, talkin'.

- Drinkin' wine. - What are you talkin' about?

- Did you want some wine?

- Sure. - Life, you know.

- Come to any conclusions?

- No, no.

So what were you and Rick get up to?

- Nothin' really.

What about you and Claire?

- Just sittin' around.

- You comin' to bed?

- No, I think I'm gonna work on this for a little while.

- What's wrong with it?

- I don't know.

It's been a mystery.

Should work.

- Well, I'm sure you'll figure it out.

- Hope so.



- I saw Peter again.

- [Man] Who?

- Peter, remember I told you about Peter.

- Oh yeah, right.

Peter, the nice guy.

- Yeah, he is a nice guy. - Yeah?

Am I a nice guy?

- No.

♪ Wake the kids up one by one

♪ Start some traffic

- Hi. - Hi.

How are you?

- Good.

- Sleep well?

That's good.

- Gonna tell me what that is?

- It's supposed to be a fake 1930's art deco nude,

and it's hopefully gonna get cast in bronze.

- It's nice. - Yeah.

Takes a long time, all the finishing.

It's like, really time consuming, just smoothing it all out.

- Is that one of my cigarettes?

- Yeah.

- Okay, why don't you smoke your own cigarettes,

you freak show?


- Yeah, I'm kinda getting tired of my brand,

so I thought I would change brands.

You know, a whole new morning, a whole new kind of

lifestyle, and I'm kinda bad about cigarettes like that too.

- Well, you wanna go for breakfast?

- I can't.

Give me a rain check.

I have like a deadline for this.

I really have to finish it,

and I've been kind of like lendin'.

- It's okay.

- Okay, see ya later.

(jazzy music)

- Where you guys off to?

(jazzy music)

- Oh shit.

- Lock your keys in your car?

- Yeah.

- I could get a coat hanger and try to open it up for ya.

- That's okay, you know, DCAA.

- Sure.

- Oh hi, I locked my keys in the car.

Carol and Cordova.

- 119 Cordova. - 119 Cordova.




Okay, thank you.

- Legal aid lawyer, right?

- Yeah, how did you know?

- I could just tell by your professional demeanor

on the phone there.

You have to wait around, I can,

I'm just sittin' here havin' my coffee break.

I can get you a coffee and pull out a chair if you like.

- Thanks, that's okay.

- You sure?

- Yeah, I've got to get back to the courthouse.

I may as well. - I'll keep an eye

on your car for ya.

Stay with your vehicle.

- Okay.

Thanks. - You're welcome.

- Bye. - Bye.

♪ Three little monkeys jumpin' on the bed ♪

♪ One fell off and bumped his head ♪

♪ Mama called the doctor and the doctor said ♪

♪ No more monkeys jumpin' on the bed ♪


♪ Two more monkeys (laughs)

♪ Jumpin' on the bed one fell


♪ And bumped his head

- You okay? - Yes, fine.

Monkey number two has a drinking problem.


♪ Mama called the doctor and the doctor said ♪

♪ No more monkeys (laughs)

I like that one.

- He likes working. (laughs)

- Okay, let me try that one again.

No no, let me try that.

Let me try that again.

That one's all wet now.

Okay, wait here.

♪ One more monkey


♪ One more monkey jumpin on the bed ♪

♪ Monkey fell off and bumped his head ♪

♪ Mama called the doctor and the doctor said ♪

♪ No more jumping on the bed

Think I'll get the job?

- Yeah.

- I hope so.

- [Woman] Ricky?

- Yeah, Mom. - [Woman] Ricky, are you here?

- I'm out here in the kitchen.

- Hi. - Hi Mom, how's it goin'?

- What are you doin' here?

- I'm just here savin' you 300 bucks.

I got the part finally.

- Oh, finally, you got the part?

- I got the part, and they woulda charged you like,

they would've gotten you to replace the whole thing.

I saved you at least 300 bucks.

- My hero.

- That's what I wanna be.

While you're there, can you pass me

the number three Robertson, it's in the black bag there.

- [Mom] Number three Robertson.

Let's see, is this it?

- No, that's a pipe cutter.

It's like a screwdriver, it has a square on it.

Designed in Canada.

- I'm a lawyer, not a plumber.

- I know, Mom, I know you're a lawyer,

but this could make you a more rounded lawyer.

There might be a time in your life for this knowledge

will come in useful.

- Why do you look so tired?

Did you eat something?

- Yeah, I've already helped myself

to a - I'm gonna make

you a sandwich.

You're gonna have to eat something more substantial.

Did you read that application that I put aside for you?

- Yeah. - Yeah, did you read it?

Did you fill it out - Most of it.

- And send it in? - No, I haven't

filled it out, it's - What do you mean?

Did you even read it, Ricky?

- Yeah, I've read most of it. - I made it easy for you.

I stapled it. - It's not that

I needed to make it easier for me.

It's I have to like wanna do it.

- I mean, are you just gonna like end up being like

a 45-year-old pathetic, middle-aged man, who doesn't have

anything to do. - I'm not a loser.

I'm doing things.

I'm quite happy.

I'm getting things done.

- I saw Roberta today, she was shopping with her mother.

She was shopping for a

wedding dress. - She likes to shop.

- Why didn't you tell me?

You must've known.

You knew she was getting married?

- How could I tell you, 'cause you're just gonna like

- Well, because - attack me like this.

- I always harbored an elaborate fantasy that you two

would get back together, as you know.

I don't understand it.

Why can't you just find somebody nice and just have a life

and a job. - Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Mom Mom Mom Mom.

I'm gonna find someone just like you,

and everything's gonna be wonderful.

- Looking for someone like me?

- Yeah, when that happens - Isn't that sweet.

It's such a nice thing to say.

Fix the carburetor.

You want roast beef?

- Yes please, and can you get me that

- Hot mustard. - Yeah, thanks.

- Your rent check bounced.

- I haven't been feeling very well.

- Oh, Australian flu?

- What?

- [Landlady] You got Australian flu?

- I don't know.

- I'm gonna need another check.

- Listen, can I have a couple more days?

- End of the week?

- Yeah, okay, thanks.

- [Landlady] Take care.

(jazzy music)

- Can I help you?

Oh, that's alright.

- I just was wondering if

well, you had this one in red?

- Yeah, we do.

It's just a little longer.

We can shorten it for you.

- Oh, how long would that take?

- About two days.

- Are you gonna charge me for that?

- Oh no, no charge at all.

Do you need it for a special occasion?

- No, I just, I'm just gonna try the blue one on.

- Sure.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - That's alright.

(jazzy music)

- Go on.

♪ Five little monkeys jumping on the bed ♪

♪ One fell off and bumped his head ♪

♪ Mama called the doctor and the doctor said ♪

♪ No monkeys jumping on the bed ♪

- More, no more monkeys jumping on the bed.

- Alright. - Yes.

- Perhaps you could start over again, dear.

- Four

- [Woman] From the beginning please.

- Five little monkeys.

♪ Five little monkeys jumping on the bed ♪

♪ One jumped off and bumped his head ♪

♪ Mama called the doctor and the doctor said ♪

♪ No more monkeys jumping on the bed ♪

- So, how'd it go?

- Terrible.

- [Lyle] I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

- No, Lyle, it was pretty bad.

- [Lyle] I'm sure you did just fine.

- Fucked up the practical.

- Baby, I always say stuff like that.

I'm sure it's much better than you think.

- No, I fucked up the practical.

Okay, Lyle, I fucked up.

- Do you want me to phone everybody?

- Phone them for what?

- Tell them not to come over.

- I don't care.

- You know, it's not like any of this is my fault.

- I didn't say it was your fault.

- It's not like I fucked up the practical.

- You know what, fuck you.

(door slams)

- How much is the bed?

- 20. - $20?

- Yeah.

- Well, we'll take it.

How 'bout the couch?

- 20.

- Okay, we'll take that too.

(upbeat music)

- Would you?

(chuckles) What?

- Would I? - Yeah.

- Have you seen Claire?

- What? - Claire.

Have you seen Claire?

- No, I haven't seen Claire.

(guests laugh)

- You can be a little stingy sometimes.

- Oh, I can?

Oh, I see, I see, very nice.

- How you doin'?

- Pretty good, how 'bout you?

- Good.

Hey, that's a great shirt.

- Oh, thanks.

Actually, it was my mom that got it for me.

- Your mother? - Yeah, my mother.

- Well, she's got great taste.

- Well, actually, I think I lucked out with this one shirt.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Do you want a filter in this?

- Yeah.

- So you guys are friends of Claire and Lyle?

- Who? - Claire and Lyle.

This is their house.

- No, I came with Fiona.

- With Fio...

You must be Ted.

- You're Peter.

- Yes, I am. (laughs)

Wow, imagine that.

You're actually quite a bit different than what I expected

- Really? - To be honest.

- What did you expect?

- I don't know, more hair, or I don't know,

maybe some jewelry.

- I'm finished, Ted.

- Okay, well, we're gonna go ahead and smoke a fatty.

- Okay. - Would you

like to join us?

- No, I'm okay, thanks.

- You sure? - Yeah, yeah.

- Really good stuff. - Come on.

- Well, enjoy. - Okay.

I'll catch up with you later then.

- Let's go. - Okay.

- We're gonna go out for a joint, wanna come?

- I don't know.

- Come on, come on.

Just one.

- She doesn't wanna go, let's go.

- Hey. - Hi.

- What are you doin' hidin' out here?

- I just went to the store.

- Lyle's lookin' for ya.

- Fiona is very attractive.

- Fiona is

very attractive.

I don't think it's gonna work out.

- Really, that's too bad.

- Her ex-boyfriend, or her current boyfriend,

whoever the hell he is, he's here.

- He's the bisexual.

- Yeah, and I think he was tryin' to pick me up.

(laughs) I'm serious.

- Well then, why don't you sleep with him?

Then that'll make her jealous.

- (chuckles) Yeah.

Why am I always attracted to the nut bars?

- That's not true.

- No?

Okay, (foreign words)?

- Okay, the vampire. - The vampire.

Well, she also had a little girl thing she used to do

when we were having sex.

- Get out. - I'm serious.

She used to call me Daddy.

(Claire laughs) Couldn't get into it.

God, Fiona's just way too much work,

way more work than it's worth.

- Well, what's that worth?

- Nothing.

- Hey. - Hey.

I think I'm just gonna go in and see what's going on inside.

- Where did you go?

- I went to the store.

- I brought you a drink.

- My hands are full.

- Can I give you a hand?

- I can manage.

- So? - So.

Ted just called me at the last minute, okay?

He had nothing to do,

so that's - Yeah.

- Why I invited him tonight. - No worries, really.

- He gave me some great pot.

- Actually, I'm pretty tired.

I think I'm just gonna go in and go to bed.

- Oh, really.

- Thanks for the ride.

See ya.

- Bye.

- Where are you going?

- I'm not going anywhere.

(motor whirs)

- We don't change the word apple.

If you changed the word apple, people would be very upset.

- I see, you're comparing the name of a fruit to

a group of people that risk their lives fighting fires.

- That's not the point.

The point is, there's a feminist agenda to change language.

- I figure there's some pretty lonely nights

thinking like that, Gerald.

- What's that supposed to mean?

I got a girlfriend, you know.

(phone rings) - Really?

- Yeah, really.

(phone rings)

- Claire?

- Hi. - Hey.

- Sorry. - That's okay.

- You been waiting long?

- No.

45 minutes, half an hour, but I was early.

- I'm sorry, what have you been doing?

- Thinking, you know.

- Hi. - Hi.

Tortured artist. - That's me, full time.

So how are you?

- Pretty good.

Actually, we just wrapped up a case and we're celebrating.

- Ah, you won. - We won.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- You're a Perry Mason, so let's hear, what's your score?

I mean, how many wins and losses?

- Pretty good.

- That's impressive.

- How are you?

- Keepin' busy.

I have too many things going on.

I don't know exactly what to concentrate my time on.

So I'm here just having a drink and contemplating my future.

It has to be done eventually, I guess.

- Remember that summer when you had that basement suite

and I used to come over all the time.

It was so nice and cool down there, remember?

We used to have gin and tonics.

- Yeah, that was our drink.

- That was our drink, gin and tonic.

I was just thinkin' about that.

- So what do you wanna do?

- We could have some gin and tonics maybe.

- Okay. - Okay.

I'll go get 'em.

- Any thought to that movie?

- Movie? - Yeah.

- Right.

Actually, (phone rings) excuse me.

Irene Helton.

Okay, hang on.

What's your name?

- Two gin and tonics please.

- I'm glad you're here, 'cause I'm changin' my ways.

I'm payin' off all my debts the second I can,

and I have change on me.

- Debts, what are you talking about?

- I owe you two bucks.

- Oh, don't worry about it.

- No no no, I want you to spread the word

that I'm a man of my word.

- Well, I will.

- I'm responsible, here, open your hands.

- You're gonna hand me a bunch of change.

I don't take anyone's change. - It's good for phone calls.

- Here, I gotta pay for these.

That's fine, thank you.

That's great.

- I want the word spread that I'm payin' it all off.

- I'll let everyone know.

- See ya.

- 20 minutes.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Work? - Yeah, new case.

- Just like that, eh?

- Yeah, guy called up and said they gotta go.

- Gotta go right now?

- Right now.

- Meet someone in jail?

- That's right.

- You should let 'em stay there, you know,

let 'em rot in jail, 'cause if he's guilty,

he'll have a time to think about his crimes.

If he's innocent, he'll become more righteous.

Be good on the bench.

When he's up there in front of the judge, you'll look good.

- I don't think so.

- How 'bout this movie night?

- Well, I told him 20 minutes, so, it was nice to see you.

- I'll pick the right movie.

I know movies, I know myself, I know lawyers.

My mom's a lawyer.

She is.

- Listen, I gotta go.

Nice seeing you.

Take care. - Okay.


- I gotta get the superintendent to look at this,

it's gettin' worse.

- Oil it a bit or something.

- Anyway, come on in and have a seat.


Can I get you somethin'? - Yeah.

Maybe some water - Okay, water.

- Would be good.

- There ya go. - Thanks.


- Give me a swig of this. - (chuckles) Okay.

(electrical buzz)


- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I think so.

I think I'm okay.

I just, how do you feel?

Do you feel okay?

- Yeah.

- Something - What?

- I don't know, shit.

Goddamn it, why?

- Relax.

It's no big deal. (laughs)

It's no one, look.

It's probably me, I'm just not nutty enough for you.

- Oh, that is certainly not the case, you're nutty.

You're nutty enough for a few people.

I'm just such a fuck up.

I feel like such a fuck up.

- Well, you are kind of a fuck up.

- Yeah, I guess that's the case.

You're a nut bar and I'm a fuck up.

- Hey, where you going?

- I don't know. - Peter.

- [Peter] I don't know where I'm going.

- Why don't you come back, come on.

Lie down. - I can't believe.

- Lie down, you'll be fine.

Come on, please.

It's not a big deal.

We'll just lie here.

Give me your hand, there we go.

We'll lie like this.

- Yeah, this is nice. - See?

- Is this okay for you?

- Perfect.

(knocks on door)


- [Peter] Lyle, what are you doing here?

- [Lyle] Here to make breakfast.

- [Peter] What?

- [Lyle] French toast.

- [Peter] French toast?

- [Lyle] Bread, eggs, milk.

- Yeah, yeah.


Claire, you better wake up, Lyle's here.

He's out there makin' us breakfast.

- What?

- Lyle's here and he's out there makin' us breakfast.

- What's he making?

- What? - What's he making?

- He's making French toast.

- Oh, he makes good French toast.

- Claire, what are you doing?

- [Claire] Putting on my pants.

- Are you goin' somewhere?

Where are you going?

- [Claire] I'm hungry.

- Pardon me? - I'm hungry.

- Yeah?

- Thank you.

- [Lyle] Coffee?

- Sure, thanks.

- Coffee?

- Syrup? - Thanks.

- Mm, it's great.

- Peter?

- Excellent, really good.

- So what are you two up to today?

- I got all kinds of stuff to do.

I got errands and running around.

- You?

- Nothing.


- Nothing.

You want some more, Peter?

- No, I'm still working on this, thanks.

(church bells ring)

- Oh my God, I knew this was gonna happen.

You leave your door open and Kyle comes in

and just steals everything.

Don't look on it as a bad thing, it's a good thing,

'cause now you can like travel light.

- I guess.

- Where you gonna go?

- I got enough money for a motel for a couple nights.

- Well, that's good, because I'm going into business now.

Trying a little boarder rooming house kind of thing,

and you could be my test subject,

not a charity case or anything.

You just come and help me with my junk to the dump,

and we'll be all even-Steven.

- Are you serious?

- [Guy] Yeah, sure.

- I wouldn't be cramping your style or anything?

- I think you already know.

Have a whole new style.

Maturing and growing and all that kinda thing.

Sure is kinda creepy zen here, isn't it?

You wanna just sit around here and wait

for the bailiff to come kick you out?


Quick, let's make a dart.

That's all you got?

- That's it. - Excellent.

That's the kind of thing I want, packing light.

(dishes clanking)

- How was your day?

- Oh, it was good actually.

Thank you.

- How is it?

- It's perfect.

(jazzy music)