Nine Bachelors (1939) - full transcript

NINE BACHELORS

Good evening, Madam Countess.

She's probably just
returned from a trip.

Is the Countess in
a good mood today?

Far from it; I'm furious.

Can I do anything?

Get me my lawyer, Mr. Renard.

By phone?

What do you think?
Morse code?

Must you ask so many questions?

I've always dreamed of being honest.



- Really?
- Really.

I didn't have the chance.
You know why?

- You never have a chance to.
- To be honest?

Rarely. But you have many chances
to be dishonest.

And being dishonest can be
a full-time job.

At least thieves eat, don't they?

Being honest isn't a job.

- It's a virtue.
- Precisely.

The honest but ignorant man starves.

When you're honest, nothing you do
is dishonest.

- I don't badmouth honest people.
- I hope so.

Where's my lawyer?

It's ringing, Countess.

You really know how to aggravate me.



You can see I'm nervous,
yet you answer reprovingly.

So you can say I'm unfair.

It's true: I am being unfair right now.

Here are 100 francs.

I dare say I like it when
the countess is unjust.

Mr. Renard?

Hello, this is Countess Batchefskaia.

I must see you right away.

I've just heard some frightful news.

When will you be free?
At 8:00?

Let's meet for dinner.

Let's meet here.

Meet me in 15 minutes.
In a nearby restaurant.

On Pelouse Street?

Meet me at Au Melon d'Espagne.

But ...

Tell me, What's stopping you
from being honest.

It's like telling someone without skills
to work ...

In short, it means taking
someone else's place,

thus preventing him from
earning a living.

Besides, why should I work?

I've been living this way for 20 years.

Do you know how much I spend?

How much money you spend
doesn't concern me.

But how you earn it worries me.

Am I in trouble? Never!

How would you describe what you do?

I'm a middleman.

I intervene on behalf of the buyer and seller.

One party is ready to pay out a large sum,

and another to receive it.

I transfer the sum.

While it's being transferred ....

I levy a tax.

Half of all humans are looking
for the other half.

Men and women are like apples
cut in two.

Each half looks for the other.

Aren't men's wives referred
to as their better halves?

Too often, they find the wrong half.

And simply don't get along.

When the right apple halves find each other,

you have love.

I love you so ...

If a man and a woman
form 2 halves of an apple,

2 men form both halves of a pear.

Tell the master I'll be back by 9:00.

Yes, Madam, by 9:30.
I'll tell him to wait.

To wait?
Don't criticize me.

Yes, Ma'am.

It's no wonder you've remained an old maid.

I'm not an old maid.

I've been married for 27 years.

- I never see your husband!
- Neither do I.

I haven't seen him in 11 years.

He left to get some matches one day,
and never came back.

What do you think happened?

I guess he didn't find any.

We don't have any private rooms, sir.

But I can give you a quiet corner table.

It'll do. But if the person
I'm waiting for ...

We'll give you another one.

That guy's nothing but trouble.

2 coffees.

Boss, that waiter looks like you.

He's my son.

He's not only your waiter,
he's also your son.

- The cashier is my wife.
- She's lovely.

The chef's my brother-in-law.

The busboy's my nephew.

- Your entire kin's in France?
- Yes, for now.

This is Au Melon d'Espagne,
there are no melons,

and only the few of you
come from Spain.

Exactly.

Happens all the time.

Where's the private room entrance?

- We have no private rooms.
- That's too bad.

So pretty and contemptuous!

The look she gave me ...

Ever notice how a queen looks at dog poop?

- No.
- That was the look.

It's late and we're here already.

The next table is empty.

I'll whisper to you.

It seems you serve succulent
calf's head and pig's feet.

We certainly do!

How ravishing.
What a woman!

You've fallen for her?

Not yet.

But I adore attractive women.

- That man is so rude.
- Which one?

The one facing me.

That guy ...

He keeps staring at me!

Think she's Russian?

Polish.

Not French?

No, but Parisian ...

Now I'm really getting to her.

Sit there.

A little more, not too much.

Move a little,
a little more.

I've just heard some terrible news.

The Cabinet just tabled a law
that affects foreigners.

Can he hear us?

It would seem ...

You're not speaking into my good one.

- Your good what?
- My good ear.

The law states ...

Read all about it!

New law targets foreigners living in France.

It's too late.

Hurry!

- You see?
- Yes.

- The law.
- Yes.

Now what?

There you go.

Time for me to go.

We're good people, but we can't
allow an invasion.

First you invade France,
then try to kick Frenchmen out.

What are you thinking?

What just happened.

See why I'm worried?

Care to discuss it?

I think the new law has many people worried.

I'm wondering how I can benefit
from the situation.

No, Ma'am. There's nothing I can do.

If you wish to remain in France,

you have no choice but to
marry a Frenchman.

But you know my lifestyle.

I know about the master ...

I've got it.

Pen and paper, please.

About that man ...

He's married and he's Belgian.

Belgian, you say?

OLD FRENCH BACHELORS' HOME

- Get it?
- Not yet.

First, I rent a small house.
In Neuilly, for example.

Second, I turn it into a home.

Thirdly?

Yes, thirdly.

- It's common usage.
- Thanks.

Third, when it's ready,
I place ads in the papers:

A generous soul has anonymously opened ...

What style!

See you soon, madam.

This is interesting.

Why do you write "French bachelors"?

To attract foreign women, stupid.

I'm targeting her.
Not too bright, are you?

Maybe not.

Try eating lentils.

I'm very late, dear.

Where were you?

I had dinner with Mrs. Gabouleff.

We spoke about the law for foreigners.

Many people are worked up about it.

What do you think?

I think the government has no choice.

Really?

France is being besieged by an army of aliens.

And you're not a foreigner?

Of course I am.

The law doesn't scare you?

Why should it?

It doesn't affect people like me.

- Only suspicious individuals.
- Really?

You're not worried, are you?

- Wait.
- What?

I don't see how it's dishonest.

Neither do I.

Just be patient.

- And your film deal?
- Done!

- I'm now sole owner of the studios...
- No!

... that nearly went bankrupt.

I'll reopen the studios as soon
as I find the right script.

I'll star in it!

My dear, you're not an actress.

I could be one.

It's better not to be talented!

Maybe. But you have to be photogenic.

- I'm not photogenic?
- I'm not sure.

OLD FRENCH BACHELORS' HOME

This is the dorm.

I'm all set to open tomorrow.

There's room for 9 bachelors
in all. Careful!

Tomorrow, my ads appear in the papers.

And a plane will scatter
30,000 brochures over Paris.

Can I have some food?

You come here often.

I'm often hungry.

I only come once a day.

Think one meal a day's too much?

It may seem like a lot to you,

but to me, one meal a day isn't much.

So you think you're entitled?

I am, actually.

You agree with me,
and that bothers you.

It's annoying not to be able to say no.

I'm a free man.

I don't have to come here.

But if I do, let's face it:

You have to give me something.
- Have to?

I most certainly don't.

I give because I want to.

- In that case, I think I'll pass it up.
- Why?

Because you don't think I'm entitled.

Take it, you old fool!

The old fool bids you good-bye forever!

That's just the way old fools are ...

Unbelievable!

I have to run after you?

Why not, since I'm entitled?

Now, do you owe me this,
yes or no?

- Yes.
- I thought so.

If all the poor were like you ...

There'd be fewer beggars.

Good night, madam.

Good-bye.
See you tomorrow.

You don't deserve me.

Drop by anyway.

Ok, I'm too kind.

Are you doing Me a favor?

Well, I'm giving you a chance to be kind.

That is something ...

"Now open:
old French bachelors' home"

Well, well!

Spare some change?

We've already told you to move!
Are you deaf?

No, blind.

- Please move.
- Move?

- Do you understand?
- Yes, I see.

Then just do it.

It's not so easy for a blind man.

Give me 10 more minutes
so I can enjoy the sun.

Ok, 10 minutes.
I'm keeping my eye on you.

I just don't see what's the big deal.

Spare some change?

It's me, Adolphe.

Dear Adolphe! How are you?

Come with me.

Read this.

- Shall we go?
- Why not?

We're old, we're bachelors and we're French.

And we're free.

Yes, but free to do what?

That's true.

- So?
- So, let's go.

Shouldn't we tell Anatole?

I was thinking about him.

The guy's really down on his luck.

He's like us, he's got nothing.

Yes, but the guy's depressed.

He really looks pitiful.

I told him to try his hand
at something else.

Well said.

He's actually a poor poor person.

You're right.
Come on, let's go.

No, Anatole!

Come down, we have good news!

No, take the stairs!

Retrieve my hat.

We got here just in time.

- We were lucky.
- So was he!

- He wouldn't have known.
- True, but what a great moment for us!

What's wrong?

I wanted to end it all
by drowning myself.

- Why, were you thirsty?
- No, hungry.

So?

A home for old bachelors
just opened in Neuilly.

We're headed there.

- We've got to tell Mr. Adhemar.
- Who's Mr. Adhemar?

A royalist nobleman who might be a little ...

He's poorer than the 3 of us put together.

Let's go.

"... and your flask to drink from."

Come in, whoever you are!

Hello, Mr. Adhemar.

Hello, young man.
Hello, gentlemen.

Hello.

What brings you here?
Who are they?

Old friends of mine.

Welcome! Have a seat.

I always have one.

Care to join me for breakfast?

I only eat sugar.

- Were you playing dominoes?
- This is my meal.

Hors d'oeuvres, main course, toast,
dessert and fruit.

I've been eating sugar for years
and I feel great.

It's filling, wholesome, and even exquisite.

An olive? Gudgeon? Chicken?

Piece of pie?

Maybe an apricot?

The chicken's good, but salty.

Why don't we tell you why we came.

He has the eyes of a kangaroo.
Go on!

There's a bachelor's home in Neuilly ...

I also need a burning cigarette.

I place the hankie on my hand.

I then place the cigarette on the hankie.

Will your hankie start to burn?

Not at all. Watch.

The cigarette's gone!

My next trick is even more amazing.

I need a cigarette.

This is really amazing ...

In Neuilly, they've just opened ...

... a home for old bachelors.

So long, ladies and gentlemen.

Show him out! Maybe he's a thief.

- Me? A thief?
- Out!

He forced open my gate!

I just wanted some charity.

People don't like it
when you enter like that.

We aren't protected from the poor.

What?

You're here just in time.

In Neuilly ...

- Know him?
- No.

- He looks pitiful.
- Poor guy.

Shall we tell him?

Yes!

- Have you lost someone?
- My wife.

- How terrible!
- What a shame!

But that's life ...

Yes, that's life.

- Time heals all wounds.
- You make friends.

- Friends can console you.
- How true.

- Friends know many things.
- Interesting things.

Would you believe a home
just opened in Neuilly?

- A special home.
- For old bachelors.

Let's walk.

Am I really a bachelor?

- What don't you have?
- You're right ...

A widower is a renewed bachelor.

You're right, I am a bachelor.

Not so loud!

I'm a bachelor.

My God, I've lost my wife.

We know, we know!

I mean I've just lost her again.

I've lost her twice since Sunday.

Let's run after her!

Don't do that! Come with us.

In Neuilly, a home
for old bachelors has opened.

- Monsieur, Are you sick?
- Are you in pain?

No, stupid, I was dreaming.

Of what?

I dreamt of a home for old
French bachelors in Neuilly.

- You're kidding, right?
- Not at all.

We can expect 2 or 3 bachelors
within 48 hours.

Ah, who might that be?

Come in.

Hello.

How do you do?

We learned through the papers,

- ... through hearsay,
- ... and quite by chance,

- ... that a special home
- ... had opened in Neuilly.

- We looked.
- And found each other.

How did you find us?

Quite moving. But very numerous.
How many are you?

Eight! Eight on the nose.

Not more, not less.

- 7 + 1 = 8.
- 4 + 4 = 8.

- 5 + 3 = 8.
- 6 + 2 = 8.

There are fully 9 of you.

Good thing, too.
I have exactly 9 beds.

- Please sit down.
- Thank you.

NO VACANCY

I must ask you 3 questions.
First, are you French?

Gentlemen, please, answer the question.

Are you French?

- Yes, sir. - Certainly.
- Thank the Lord.

Definitely.

- Proudly. - I swear.
- Am I ever.

- I swear.
- Proof!

Fine. Second, are you 60 years old?

For 2 years and 13 months.

- For 5 years, you know.
- For a merry 7 years now.

For a long 11 years.

Me, 60? Twice that much.

- You're 120!?
- I'm 75.

2 x 60?

You'll see ...

I hope so. Are you 60?

For 9 years now.

- For 16 years!
- For a mere 8 days ...

I'll be 60 in a moment.

I was born on May 15, 1879, at 2:30 p.m.

It's 50 seconds past 2:29,
and today's May 15.

It's now official.

Last question: Are you all bachelors?

Your laughter is revealing,
but I need you to answer.

- You bet!

- I was born a bachelor.
- I hope to die a bachelor!

I don't need problems.

- I'd remember if I was.
- Divorced 40 years ago.

I dig married women!

- Engaged 4 times.
- Married?

- No way!
- Widower.

Great.

I had an ulterior motive:
I'd like each of you to marry.

- Why?
- Yes, why?

To help you.

Many foreign-born women would do anything
to stay here.

Even marry an honorary husband.

- If he's harmless.
- Exactly.

- Strange.
- Amusing.

- And very ingenious.
- They'd pay a fee ...

That we'd split.

- How?
- 50 - 50.

- Each?
- Of course.

- To take care of you.
- Sounds good.

Each of you would get
at least 25,000 francs.

A staggering sum!

- From a woman, at our age!
- I'll take it!

Any objections?

None!

Not even one.

So you all agree to marry?

Bring these gentlemen to the dining room.

After their meal, show them
the dorm and the home.

Please take good care of them.

Good-bye, gentlemen.

Have a good night's sleep.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Coming with us?

- Did you take care ...
- Of everything.

The clothes, the linen and everything else.

Please collect their birth certificates,
ID cards, etc.,

then prepare a chart I can consult
for each one.

Yes, sir.

For each ID, a card lists their names,
their ages, and other pertinent information.

That's fine.

- Doesn't he have any ID?
- No, sir.

He must contact his town's mayor.

It's working.

Hurry, Miss, hurry!

A radio would be great.

Come in, madame.

How can it be fun to play fair?

Who says we're playing fair?

Is it true we can marry
your home's residents?

Yes, it's true.

I didn't open this home for that purpose,

but the thought did occur to me.

For any number of reasons,

a woman might suddenly decide she needs
to get married.

An honorary husband won't affect
her private life.

Especially if he's basically harmless.
And non-functional.

Couldn't we have relations?

I never thought of that.

It's a delicate issue,
but I don't see why not.

Perhaps you only have old men?

Old men?

Yes, I only have old men.

- And you?
- Me?

I'm sorry. I need my independence.
Sorry.

Too bad.

I can offer you Athanase.

- Lovely name.
- Isn't it?

Hello, Please send me Mr. Athanase.

Mr. Athanase?

The director wants to see you.

- Me? Why?
- I don't know.

Is he being kicked out?

Why would they do that?

What does he want?

So long, maybe?

Come in.

Here's your husband.

Yes!

- Hello, madam.
- Hello, sir.

I highly recommend Mr. Athanase.

Strange feeling, isn't it?

Very.

Shall I leave you 2 alone?

What for?

I mean, for what?

- We've said everything.
- I agree.

I find you most charming.

You're too kind.

Are you Spanish, may I ask?

I was born in South America.

Federated Republic of Brazil.

- When would we be married?
- In a week.

- Great.
- In a week.

Can I do anything for you?

Madam, Do I dare?

Dare, dare!

I think we would all appreciate a radio.

I'll have one delivered,
along with a picture of me.

Thank you so much,
I didn't dare ask for one.

Good-bye, madam, I'll see you again
real soon.

Good-bye.

- He's so sweet.
- As promised.

You're not kicked out?

On the contrary.

I just met my fiancee.

- Already?
- So?

How is she?

Well, not bad, actually.

She's South American,
with a great figure.

- and ears ...
- How many?

Next, please.

- Must we meet him?
- Who?

The husband.

You don't have to,
but you'll see him on your wedding day.

Shouldn't you at least meet
each other briefly?

Yes, you're right.

And the terms of the sale ...
I mean service?

Here.

- 50,000 francs?
- Yes.

But you make a man happy
and you get to stay in France.

That's true.

Hello. Very well, sir.

Which one?

Mr. Alexandre.

Maybe you should first wash your hands.

Good idea.

- How is she?
- I don't know.

The meeting might be very brief.

Come in.

Meet your husband.

- Pleased to meet you.
- How do you do?

- You're very pretty.
- Thank you, sir.

- Have a seat.
- Thank you.

I've always wanted to marry
a pretty young woman.

But I'm not marrying you
because you're young.

You're marrying me because I'm old.

Well, I think I'd like a picture of you.

And we'd all like a radio.

A radiograph?

No, a console.

- I'll take care of it.
- Thank you.

- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.

- How is she?
- Very pretty.

I haven't seen his wife,
but mine has incredible eyes.

- She was wearing a fox.
- Socks?

An expensive fox.

Next.

- May I help you?
- Husband, for me.

A husband?

- French.
- Of course.

How much?

How much? 40,000.

- 40?
- No, 30.

Me choose?

No, I only have one.

Why do we assume foreigners are deaf?

Please complete this form.

A radio!

No, not there.

Right-side up!

- Me see husband?
- Yes, right away!

- I have a letter for Mr. Athanase.
- That's me.

- Must be her picture.
- I don't know.

Yes, it is!

Show us your pretty wife!

No, this is personal.

The radio is for everybody.

Too bad!

Yes, sir.
Mr. Amedee, please.

... 27 ... 28 ... 29 ...

Enough. Gift!

- Thank you! Cigarette?
- No, thank you.

Nothing, thank you.

Come in.

Chinese?

Yes. Is that OK?

No problem.

- Husband?
- Yes.

Why is she laughing?

- You're humoring her.
- Maybe.

Hello, husband.

Hello, wife.

- So long.
- So long.

- Picture?
- Here.

- Thank you. So long.
- So long.

- Charming.
- Isn't she?

- A mask.
- No one underneath.

Maybe.

How about some Beethoven?

We don't share the same tastes.

Thank the Lord!

Honorary husbands ...

- Onerous fees!
- Inevitably.

Isn't there something else?

- Yes, there is.
- Give it to me.

I won't be as discreet.
This is my wife.

- Beautiful!
- Charming...

- Let me see.
- Look.

She's OK.

Mine's different.

- She's a doll.
- Just right for him.

You're not a foreigner.

No, but for personal reasons,
I must get married.

I don't need a husband at home.

- You want him to stay here.
- Yes.

- I don't need a husband.
- He'd only get in the way.

- You keep an eye on him.
- I will.

- Care to be a countess?
- Sure!

How about a royalty nut who's clueless?

- Perfect!
- Isn't it!

Charles X made one mistake.

- Mr. Adhemar ...
- I'm talking!

- It's the director.
- How odious!

For you, but only for you, 60,000.

Agreed.

Come in.
Meet Count Adhemar Colombinet.

- Madam.
- Charmed.

This is your wife.

But I told you I'm not married!

I meant your wife-to-be.

Ok, fine.

My wife-to-be is a present
from the past.

When will we be married?

In a week.

We'll look the same.
Toodle-oo, madam.

I'd like a picture of you.

At your first Communion.

Tall, distinguished,

with darting, dancing eyes.

She must live in a very nice house.

She can keep house, I'll bet.
Long live the King!

You see? He's a buffoon.

No doubt about that.

He's the right man for me.

A queen, all things considered.

- Young?
- Pretty?

Wait for the picture.

A radio would make them very happy.

- Ok.
- Thank you.

You're welcome. Good-bye.

- Maybe you could be a guest?
- I'd like that.

22 Marcel Simon St.

- 2 sweeties?
- I have 8!

Next.

- Are you 18, miss?
- Yes, why?

Because of your parents.

I have no parents.
I'm all alone.

Yes, but aren't we all?

Probably.

You don't have a ...

- No one.
- Do you work?

- Yes.
- Sewing?

No, nightclub singer.

I've seen you perform,
I'm sure of it.

Can I meet an old man?

Please don't panic
because of the new law.

There'll be exceptions.

- Wait another 48 hours?
- No.

Some women might report me.

I'd better act quickly.

As you wish.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Adolphe?

Well, well.

Could I have some cologne?

- They don't go out?
- Not unaccompanied, no.

- They go for walks Sundays?
- I think so.

- They must like the zoo.
- Very much so.

Come in. I'm sorry!

Not at all. Come in.

She's so young!

Those eyes!
Like those of a retriever!

I'd really like to have
a picture of you.

- What else?
- What else? That's all.

You'll have it in an hour.

With a little surprise.

Thank you, miss.

- Well, good-bye.
- Good-bye, sir.

He's truly adorable.

What about the conditions?

25,000 francs.

5,000 for me,
20,000 for him.

Is that Ok?

I get the feeling the others
pay a little more.

What if they did?

Then so be it.

Thank you.

- Mine is very young and has beautiful eyes.
- Tell us more.

Next.

Please sit down.

It's up to you to determine
the division of property.

Yes.

Neuilly's council favors such marriages.

What are the conditions?

Very reasonable.

It'll cost you 70,000 francs in all.

- 70,000 francs?
- Yes.

A fortune!

Maybe a small fortune.

But did you calculate how much less
you'll pay in taxes?

- That's why I'm here.
- I thought so.

The sum is split between
your husband and me.

- You're pretty, too.
- Thanks.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Antonin, it's your turn.

Ready!

You look ready, go.

- Count Adhemar Colmbinet.
- That's me!

Let me listen to some Beethoven.

- Sir.
- Yes?

Thought yours was young?

Take a look at mine!

- Delighted, madam.
- Sir.

Sit down.

Haven't we met before?

I don't think so.
Where might we have met?

I've often been to Dieppe.

I've yet to go there.

We could honeymoon there.

That won't be necessary.

Or much fun.

Do you have a picture of you?

Of me?

I was just about to ask you.

If you wish. But I need yours.

I'll send you mine, and a surprise.

- Thank you.
- Good-bye, sir.

That's exactly what I wanted.

Here's my check.

So?

I feel like I've just seen my wife.

Are you sure that's Beethoven?

The next person, please.

- Are you the director here?
- Yes, madam. I've been waiting for you.

- Waiting?
- Impatiently.

You're the reason I decided
to open this home.

We were at a restaurant.

You were worried about the law.

- That was you?
- That was me.

Yes, that look ...

It was hard to look at you more.

But impossible to look at you less.

- Am I free to look?
- But you overdid it.

- You over-seduced me.
- Me?

Yes!

- Was it my fault?
- Was it mine?

Why tell everyone what you think?

- I merely responded.
- Did I question you?

You? That's all you do!

Your eyes, hands and shoulders question me.

Your back is a question mark.

The colors you wear speak volumes.

Your dresses inquire, your hair bellows.
Your grace is eloquent.

And yes, your hat flatters you.

First, you dress to kill,

then feign surprise when others notice?

- You were lewd.
- Lewd?

Then why did you keep looking?

- It was to shame you!
- Please, madam.

You can't shame someone who wants you.

How some people must dislike you,

for others to like you so much.

And how some people must like you,
for you to displease others so much.

You're wrong.

- You wish to become French
through marriage? - Yes.

With a very old husband?

What's very old?

Between 75 and 87.
That's not very young.

What's young for a husband?

It depends on the opponent.

- Who's the opponent?
- Usually the wife ...

Now describe your husband.

Do you have many bachelors?

Not right now. I only have 2.

The youngest is almost 75.

And the other?

- 47
- That's not old.

I agree.

- Can I see his picture?
- You're looking at him.

He's French, single, and you know
his feelings for you.

I want the old man.

How kind of you!

- It slipped out!
- Even better.

Your husband was a lieutenant in the marines.

- I don't care.
- Neither do I.

He limps slightly and suffers
from memory loss.

- Can I see him?
- Right away.

Hello. Please send me Mr. Agenor.

Mr. Agenor.

- What?
- I'm calling you.

- What about us?
- Wait your turn.

It's never us.

- Want to go instead?
- Yes.

Out of the question!
You can't choose.

I sign here?

Yes, but are you Polish or Russian?

- Polish.
- Polish?

- Let me write that.
- For the forms? - Yes.

Let's say Russian.

- Please.
- Ok.

Now please sign.

Come in!
Your husband.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Come in.

Come, come.

- Shall I leave you alone?
- No need.

- If you want another ...
- Not at all.

Well ... now that we've met ...

Can I do anything for you?

A picture, perhaps?

Yes, a picture of you would be nice.

All right.

Good-bye, madam.

See you soon.

He didn't notice you but he'll be
your husband. How wonderful!

- Do you regret passing up a younger man?
- Oh, no!

- That makes you laugh?
- Oh, yes!

I guess you just wanted to
show me your teeth.

- So long!
- Maybe.

Curious, aren't we?

So?

She must be Russian,
with that blond hair.

She looks good.

But I don't feel she's marrying me for love.

A radio for Mr. Adolphe.

What's that?

Next ...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7.
That's fine.

And if I don't get married,

I don't get my 25,000.

I know how you feel.

... 365,000, minus ...

7 x 25,000 ...

About 200,000 left.

Not bad, with more to come.

- The weddings ...
- Tomorrow morning.

- All 9?
- All 7.

Only 7?

I'm keeping 2 bachelors in reserve.

Why?

If they all marry, can I call this
a home for bachelors?

That's true.

- Come in, ladies. Is everything Ok?
- Yes, sir.

- The tuxedoes have arrived.
- Good.

- It's a one-day rental.
- Great.

Mr. Agenor hasn't received his papers.

- Who's Agenor?
- The Russian woman's husband.

How interesting.
No papers.

But we might be able to ...

It's Ok, I'll handle it personally ...

- See you tomorrow, ladies.
- See you tomorrow, sir.

- Good morning, Antonin.
- Good morning, Alexandre.

- Good morning, Agenor.
- Good morning, Mr. Adhemar.

Here!

Hi, everybody.

- What's that?
- Your tuxedoes.

Today's the day we're getting married!

Speak for yourself.

You'll be next.

That's all I hear.

Mr. Agenor?

Please go to the office.

- I'm married already..
- For your divorce!

- I'd like to shave.
- Good idea.

Mr. Agenor, where are your papers?

I haven't received them, sir.

Sounds fishy to me.
Now what do I do?

Give me Anatole's papers.
He's not getting married.

And when he does marry?
And who'll get the 25,000?

- Me!
- Really!

Too easy.

So what do we do?

I know what we'll do.

I'll give you false papers.

- Another name.
- Good idea!

- Don't double-cross me!
- Never!

No one must hear the name
the mayor pronounces,

especially not his age.

The mayor's age?

No, the age of the one
who's replacing you.

- I'll make a lot of noise.
- But not too much.

- I'll start coughing.
- Fine.

Why do I think we're wearing
each other's tux?

Messrs. Aristide and Anatole, please.

Can it be?

- We're getting married, too?
- Hooray!

Kids!

The shoes don't fit but
they add a regal air.

- I don't see our wives.
- No, unfortunately.

I knew it, we're left out.

It's true, you won't be getting
married today, but ...

- But?
- I have an idea ...

The Mayor.

- How many?
- Seven.

- What?
- Seven!

7 + 7 = 14.

Please rise.

- Do you take as your wife ...
- Miou.

Who's meowing?

She isn't meowing.
That's her name.

Do you meow, I mean take
Mi-ha-ou to be your wife?

I do!

Count Adhemar Colombinet,
do you take

Mrs. Isabelle Patureau
to be your wife?

I won't discuss the irregular
circumstances of this event.

Yes or no?

Yes, of course.

- Do you ...
- No, next couple.

These serial weddings are rather odd.

Do you, madam, take Jean Lecuyer ...

I do, Mr. Mayor.

Now you're married and French.

... lawful wedded husband?

- I most certainly do.
- How sweet!

- Do you?
- Bravely, yes!

And I most definitely do!

Please sign, sir, madam, witnesses.

Don't move.
Thank you.

- Chicken!
- Pate!

Champagne!

Here are your 25,000 francs.

- Mr. Athanase.
- Thank you.

- Mr. Antonin.
- Thank you.

- Mr. Agenor.
- Thank you.

- Mr. Adhemar.
- Thank you.

- Mr. Alexandre.
- Thank you.

- Mr. Amedee
- Thank you.

- And Mr. Adolphe.
- Thank you, sir.

Please count it.

It's all here.

It's Ok? Good.

Would Messrs. Aristide and Anatole

kindly accept a 1,000 franc advance?

Thank you.

- It's all here.
- Great.

Bon appetit, gentlemen!

So now we're married.

We got our 25,000 francs.

Now we can rest easy.

We'll age quietly.

And wait for the inevitable.

You're prematurely dead!

You're so upbeat!

Still, there's some truth to it.

I'm facing reality.

I have no regrets.

That's not the point.

- What good is regretting?
- It's not good.

- The smart thing to do ...
- What?

We should simply leave!

He just gave us 25,000.

All the more reason!

Would it be right?

He said smart, not right.

I say it again.

Not a bad idea.

- We did our duty.
- We kept our word.

- We got married.
- We got our 25,000.

- We don't know who's who.
- We should enjoy ourselves.

I see your point.

What about other bachelors?

Maybe they'd like to get married, too.

You're absolutely right.

We must think of the others.

We'll surprise our wives!

What do we tell 'em?

- That they closed the home!
- That we're homeless!

Wait till they find out!

- So we'll do it?
- Let's do it!

What about us?

Those 2 ...

- What about us?
- I think it's disgusting.

You got gifts and money,
and now you just take off!

And forget about us!

Quiet!

- No, sir.
- We won't keep quiet!

Maybe there is a way.

When you want someone to keep quiet ...

A kind gesture.

You know what we mean ...

We understood.

2,000 francs each?

So 8,000, plus their 1,000.

Sounds good!

- What can the papers print?
- The truth.

- Please!
- Yes!

Come in.

What is it?

Sir, could we have ...

the addresses of our wives?

We have a surprise for them.

Right away.

Here you go.

You'll give these back?

In 5 minutes, sir.

Good-bye.

Aren't they sweet to want to do that?

Yes, you're right.

I should warn the bachelors
about reporters.

Come with me, we'll go talk
to them right now.

- Where could they be?
- Maybe they're resting.

No one!

They've left!

Those 2 ...

Where are they?

- Where were you?
- In the kitchen.

They left in the meantime.

- Can it be?
- Let's go!

Mr. Tax Man,

please note that this morning

I got married.

Come in!

What is it?

- Madam's husband is here.
- What did you say?

That's what the gentleman claims, madam.

What's he look like?

Fine ...

... like in his picture.

- Well ...
- Yes.

Yes, what? Show him in!

You?

Yes, madam.

Leave us alone.

What happened?

We were kicked out.

I thought you'd like to know.

Please sit down.

Thank you, madam.

Looks good!

Yes ...

I'm both honored and shocked.

When I last set foot on these grounds ...

You've been here before?

You chased me away recently.

- Chased you away?
- Remember?

I begged for a handout.

It was you?

Yes, madam.

You married the beggar.

I'm sorry.

Mrs. Margaret Brown.

Small door on your left.

You were an accountant?

Yes, unfortunately.

What do you mean?

It's delicate.

But I can't hide it.

- I once committed ...
- A crime?

Worse than a crime.

An indiscretion.

I revealed to a close friend

the foolproof method

of concealing one's income.

Foolproof?

To conceal income.

It's wrong, of course.

But so interesting!

- Margaret Brown.
- Why?

- I'd like to see her.
- See her? Are you nuts?

No, I'm not nuts.
Tell her I'm here.

She has 12 for dinner!

- You finally show up!
- Me?

Aren't you the extra help?

Yes or no?

Yes, of course.

Then say so!

Slow down a second.

Don't I look the part?

Beautiful suit!

I've always enjoyed compliments.

You show up at 10 p.m.

I'll have more compliments later!

- How kind of you.
- Come with me.

You're saving 23,000 francs
in scheduled taxes.

That's great!

As for the land you own ...

- Prepare the blue room.
- Yes, madam.

Would you like to?

Will you chase away beggars?

Never.

Maybe we'll get along just fine.

I don't see why not.

Now about that land I own ...

- The service is slow.
- We have extra help now.

How shameful!

What are you doing?

- Saying hi.
- Just serve.

As if I were a waiter ...

How wonderful!

- Hello, Miss Wife.
- Keep quiet, I beg you.

- No one can hear me.
- What are you doing here?

I'll explain later.

Please don't flirt or
I'll spill gravy on him.

One can become jealous in a second!

Enough!

Did you see what he just said?

I've never seen you as
beautiful as you are tonight.

What are you doing?

Did you know you can
suddenly become jealous?

Please, not now.
Pass the cheese.

No, you do it.

Handing me weapons like this one
could be deadly.

- Are you drunk?
- I wish I were.

The help is a real blast!

- Have they finished?
- Just now.

What are you doing here?

I'll explain, but change
your tone of voice.

Don't make me tell them
you're my wife.

They closed the home tonight.

Shouldn't I let you know?

I won't cause you any trouble.

- A drink?
- No, thanks.

But when you ask me what
I'm doing in your home,

I'm tempted to answer that I am home.

Let's discuss it calmly,
shall we?

- Sit down, please.
- Please stand up!

You sit and I'll stand.

A cigar, please.

Any long ones?

Too bad.

What do you advise me to do?

Should I live in the country
with my dowry?

A relative of mine owns a farm ...

Listen, can we talk
once my guests have left?

- Ok.
- See you later?

Fine.

No one will find out who you are?

I promise.

My wife is so pretty!

Come and eat.

- Eat?
- Yes.

- Coming?
- So then ...

Make up your mind.

- Eat where?
- The kitchen, of course!

How nice.

The one and only.

Yes, that's right.

Admit that you've never
waited on anyone before.

I admit it.

You're amazing.

He's all thumbs and he makes
strange faces.

Luckily, the Duke didn't notice you.

- The Duke?
- Her lover, facing her.

- Her love is a duke?
- What did you think?

- Does the duke sleep here?
- Of course.

He gives her 100,000 a month,
so what do you expect?

100,000?

She's quite a number!

- They get along well?
- Very well.

They get along well?

Yes, why?

I'm just asking ...

Margaret, come here, dear.

You're nervous, what's wrong?

- Nothing.
- Margaret!

Margaret, you're hiding something.

What were you telling the waiter earlier?

- Me?
- Yes, you!

You were alone for at least 3 minutes.

Don't exaggerate.

What could we have in common?
Let me go!

Please answer me.

All right, let's clear the table.

You really want to know?

Yes, tell me.

- Too bad for you.
- Go ahead.

I married him this morning.

- Married? Him?
- To stay in Paris.

And become French.
You won't marry me.

- Who is he?
- I don't know.

Leave me now if you wish.

How could you be so foolish?

He'll try to blackmail you.

Shall I carry away the liquor?

Yes.

- Would the duke like some?
- No, thank you.

I'm sorry I arrived late.

That's all right.

I hope you'll use my services
again next time.

You're very diplomatic,
but I know everything.

He does?

I told him about us.

Is this some kind of joke?
What's going on?

... Did you marry each other or not?

Us? Married? No, sir.

You see, I'm married already.

If you married someone this morning,
it wasn't me.

Who's fooling who?

You're somebody's fool, sir.

- Why did you lie to me?
- To upset you, sir.

Women have weird ideas.

If she'd married someone like me,

would she admit it?

What's to brag about?

Chartreuse? Kummel?

Yes, a drop.

Let's drink to your health,

to the Duke's,

and especially mine.

Good-bye, miss.

The 3 of them are drinking!

He knows how to put on an act.

Mrs. Consuelo Rodriguez, or,
to be exact, Mrs. Athanase Outriquet.

- Yes, sir.
- Can I see her?

To order guano?

I didn't come for guano.
I came for her.

Who are you, sir?

In all modesty, I'm her husband.

That's who I am.

- Her husband?
- My God!

- She's dead?
- On the contrary.

- What do you mean?
- She'll be so happy!

Mother!

- My husband!
- Yes, Mother.

I'm so happy to see you.
They let you out?

- Forever.
- What?

They closed the home.

- So you're free?
- Totally.

- I can keep you?
- Yes, madam.

What luck, what joy!

We'll pamper him.

He'll sleep next to me in my boudoir.

Did you eat?

I eat sometimes.
Today, not yet.

- Come quickly!
- We didn't eat either!

He must be hungrier than you!

Sit down.

This is very good wine.

First, a little foie gras.

Make him a large omelet.

We have chicken, ham and carrots.

Chicken, ham, carrots.
Do you like salads?

Oh, yes, madam. I like all salads!

Don't call me madam! I'm Consuelo.

Soon, your very own Consuelo!

Won't they be surprised!

Who's "they"?

My daughter's husbands.

They married and became French
before I did.

Would you like to take a shower?

- A what?
- A shower.

I can't start showering at my age.

- Prepare his room.
- I just did, Mom.

- Here's the omelet.
- A shower ...

I'll serve.
Oh, my own man!

Here come my sons-in-law.

What is it?

Why did you suddenly stand?

- They're my sons-in-law?
- Yes!

I've met them before.
This is a cold shower!

Meet my husband,
your father-in-law.

Well, well, well.

- Isn't this our blind friend?
- Sure looks like him.

- Hello, dear.
- Hi.

Hi, Albert.

- Hi.
- Hi, Al...bert.

Let's all sit down together
like one big family.

What do you like for breakfast?

I used to have tea.

For a while I had only bread.

At the home we had coffee,
but I like hot chocolate.

- Do you like jam?
- I like all jams.

- He'll put on at least 25 lbs.
- Where?

Do you like the great outdoors?

Do I ever!

On Sunday, we'll all go to Ville-d'Avray.

- All of us?
- All of us.

Pass the plate.

- Proceed!
- Move along!

Talk about a one-track mind!

- Like anything else?
- No.

You look worried.

I'm not worried ...

But I'd like to speak to you privately.

Not your Consuelo?

No. Her, please.

Could I talk to you for 2 minutes?

- Come, come.
- What's with him?

What is he doing?
I don't understand.

I'm listening.

I want to talk to you outside.

I've brought you here, dear,
so you can understand

my feelings in my own surroundings.

Thank your mom for me,
for she's very sweet and kind.

You're all very sweet.

But it's too much for me.

Sleeping in a boudoir,

eating like a king,

and showering every day is great.

In fact, it's wonderful.

But freedom is much better than all that.

If only you knew ...

Please don't be offended,

but I can't have cops as family!

There's just no way!

Picture them on either side of me.

People would think I was being arrested.

I must bid you farewell, my dear.

Be happy and may your mother
please forgive me.

I love foggy weather ...

This is the classiest nightclub in Paris.

The prison motif is very original.

Reserve this table for me every night.

- Certainly, sir.
- Thank you.

Come in.

- Again?
- Still.

- No name?
- Never.

Every day for a week.

You don't know who
they might be from?

I'm afraid I don't.

There's a young man outside the room.

- You think so?
- I know so.

- He told you?
- He begged me to tell you.

- He's very presentable.
- Good for him.

Did you know I burst in here
to say, "I love you"?

Did you know I don't approve
of what you did?

Do I need to leave?

Do I need to tell you?

Do I need to stay?

- Still upset?
- No.

But I'm not sure about this.

Well, you're wrong.
And I'm dead serious.

I know.

That's the problem.

Take your time.

You have all of mine.
I must go now.

I'm up next.

"Yes", I'll be back,
"no", I'll disappear.

- Forever?
- Forever, until tomorrow.

Here's my card. See you later.

- Are you a foreigner?
- American, why?

I heard you were concerned.

And so? I'm French.

If you marry a Frenchman,
you become French.

- Why tell me that?
- Because I love you.

Our American songstress ...

- Is she black?
- No, wait.

Are you kidding?
She's at least 20!

It's possible, I guess.

You told me she was just a child.

- I asked for a stein.
- We don't serve beer.

Just as well ...

Come in.

- You're crying!
- Yes, I'm sorry.

Why?

- I can't tell you.
- But you must!

I don't want you to cry.
Talk to me.

- Why are you here?
- They closed down the home.

Oh my!

I came at a bad time?

- It isn't a good time.
- I understand.

- He's charming.
- Isn't he?

- Almost as handsome as me.
- Almost.

- Is he serious about you?
- Yes!

- Then our marriage is a terrible thing!
- Yes.

I'm sorry.
It's not a nice thing to say.

- It doesn't matter.
- Really?

Maybe we can make an arrangement.

- You think so?
- I hope so.

But I wouldn't ...

... want to lose you forever.
- Neither would I.

You needn't worry, but me ...

Do your parents know you got married?

I have no parents.

My mother died 3 years ago.

And your father?

I don't know. I never met him.

- So you're all alone?
- Yes, among so many people.

You poor dear!

He's here again!

- Tell him to go!
- Yes, miss ...

That says it all!

Introduce me.

Mr. Michel Servais.

- My ...
- Your father.

- No!
- Yes!

My father.

Aren't you going to ask me
for my daughter's hand?

Sir, I'm asking for it.

Sir, I'm granting it to you.

I'll divorce you and give you away.

What do you say?

Thanks, Daddy!

- Aha!
- What?

- Good luck.
- Good luck.

I'm off to a good start!

- The lady of the house is here?
- Yes, sir.

- Tell her I'm here.
- There's no need, sir.

- There's no need?
- No, just follow me.

The young ladies are coming.

The young ladies?

They're all so pretty!

- Here comes Mother.
- Mother?

Look at this!

- You?
- Yes, me!

Our home was closed and
we have nowhere to go.

So we're all showing up
at our wives' homes!

- Isn't this a surprise?
- It sure is ...

And the most amazing thing is
that these are your girls!

- Huh?
- Your beautiful girls!

She hadn't told me!

Come kiss your new daddy!

My dears, my children!

I see you've traveled.

She's conspicuous but very pretty.

Let me guess.

Madagascar? Morocco?

Dakar.

Long live France!

They're all beautiful, yet different.

What a life you must have led!

And they're all so very modest!

A father knows everything!

They're well behaved. Congratulations!

- None is married yet?
- No, none.

Let's work on it right now.

They need good husbands.

Tell me ...

Sit down.

Do you ...
Where are you?

Let's change seats.

As I was saying ...

Don't move. Wait for me.

I've got you!

- Do you entertain often?
- Yes, all the time. - Good!

- You have to show them off.
- Don't worry about that!

Rather than choosing,
they get to be chosen.

That's my policy.

- Two men are here.
- Guests, no doubt.

- Show them in.
- No, let's go.

- Think so?
- Definitely.

All right.

Children, be gracious hosts.

- And remember to behave.
- Go!

Her name's Mi-ha-ou!

I'm offering you both
a 3-year contract!

May I help you, sir?

I'd like a word with my wife.

Your wife?

Excuse me.

- Is this the home of Stacia Batchefskaia?
- Yes, sir.

Her husband would like to see her.

- Her husband?
- Yes, please.

Don't argue and go get her.

She spoils herself!

Come in.

The Countess's husband is here.

My husband?

This is some sort of joke.

I hope so.

- Where is he?
- In the entranceway.

What's going on here?

A horrible man!

- I know him. He's very sick.
- So that's it!

I send him money.

Tell him I'm leaving tonight.

But that I'll write him
upon my return.

Yes, madam.

The poor guy thinks we're married
because I help him.

You expect me to buy that?

If she left, why'd you go upstairs?

Now he's starting to scream!

Nicolas could throw him out.

He might go over the edge ...

Maybe madam is afraid?

Yes, I am afraid.

We're expecting the master!

In that case, why not talk
to him for a minute?

- You think so?
- I think it's a way out.

I think you're right!

He won't leave.

He says he'll wait for you downstairs.

Tell him I'll see him.

When I come out, you'll bring him in.

In here?

Yes, in here, please.

- My jewelry!
- Here's your jewelry, madam.

My poor Clementine.

Shall I stay? You never know ...

- This is so awkward.
- I understand, madam.

But madam knows I'm discreet.

And if madam has made a mistake,

she shouldn't allow him to blackmail madam.

- That's what I fear!
- Then I'll stay! I'll be a witness.

You're right!
Hide behind the curtains.

- You'll come to my rescue.
- Don't worry, I'm strong!

- Let's hope nothing happens.
- That'd almost be a shame!

You wish to avoid me that much?

I don't take it badly.

I mean you no harm.

But they closed the home.

So now I'm homeless.

You owe me nothing!

In your best interests,
maybe no one should

find out that the husband
of Countess Batchefskaia ...

Her husband!

- You old scoundrel!
- Clementine!

I can't take it!
How dare you!

Take this! And that!

- Clementine, don't hit him!
- You're her husband, right?

He is my husband!

Believe me, madam,
he's not your husband!

- I swear he is!
- How? He's my husband!

What?

He left me 11 years ago
and never came back!

Did you find any matches?
You old skunk!

When he says he's your husband,
I have to laugh.

You wanted to blackmail her.

Then madam claims he's her husband!

He married me this morning!

What?

It's the master!

Countess Batchefskaia.

- Who shall I announce?
- Her husband.

What?

- I married to become French.
- How much did madam pay?

50,000 francs. He gets half.

Keep quiet!

Come in.

What is it?

Madam, it's another husband.

- What's going on?
- I wish I knew, madam.

What does he look like?

Well, this one's not bad.

If this keeps up, dare I say,
the next one will be perfect!

What did he tell you?

... on behalf of madam's husband,
he runs a home ...

- But he's not my husband?
- He seemed to imply he was.

I understand everything.

I envy madam.

- Show him in.
- Yes, madam.

Perfect timing!

I'll leave you two alone ...

No, stay!

Give me a moment with him?

Absolutely not!

- Is madam alone?
- No, sir.

- Good evening, madam.
- Good evening, sir.

There he is! I knew it.

Maybe the others tried the same stunt,
but you knew you couldn't!

What you did is very, very wrong!

And what you did is right?

What did I do?

You had the nerve to make me
marry my maid's husband.

He was already married,
so now he's a bigamist.

No, madam.

- He's not a bigamist?
- No, madam.

- So I'm not French?
- Yes, madam.

I was married this morning?

Yes, but you didn't marry him.

He didn't have his papers.

At the last minute, I found a kind soul

who agreed to a substitution.

Gallant men still exist!

Another old Frenchman, then?

A younger Frenchman who happened
to be available.

Promise me I'm French?

I promise.

That's great!

I'm sorry I was so curt.

I expected it.

- I'm sorry. Sit down.
- Thanks.

Not you!

Now give me the 25,000 francs.

I worked hard for 11 years,
while you did nothing!

- So, my husband ...
- Yes, dear? I mean, madam.

- What's his name?
- His name is Jean Lecuyer.
(arguing in background)

- Wait a second ...
- Yes?

He's going to show up here?

- No, he no longer needs to come.
- Are you sure?

Yes. Believe me, no one else
will show up here.

My God!

That's him.

- Now what?
- Let's leave.

It's too late.

What's this picture of you
in today's paper?

A wedding! What wedding?

Who are the two men
standing beside you?

I see them in your mirrors.

Am I going nuts?

No, you're not.
But it is a crazy story.

Let me explain:
I organized everything.

Madam didn't really marry that old man.

I can prove it, too.
He's been married 27 years.

- Have I lied?
- No, not yet.

Why were the three of you
ready to get in the car?

Shall we tell him?

It's awkward.

- Will he understand?
- Tell him.

We were getting ready to act
in a new film.

I want the film to be based
on a true story.

It was my idea to open a home
for old bachelors.

What a funny premise!

Isn't it? But I need to find
an honest producer.

And I still don't have a producer.

How could I show that my script
was realistic?

By having papers cover it
like a true story, you see?

What a clever idea!

It was mine.

It was her idea.

- We met ...
- At Mrs. Goloubeff's house.

We met and talked about my script ...

We laughed our heads off!

We sure did!

Hilarious!

- He was there, too?
- We were all there.

Not me, I'm laughing now.

What's your role in all of this?

She's in the leading role.

To show you I'm photogenic.

So the story ...

Its in the papers, along with
additional details.

How does it end?

With a wedding.
It's a happy ending.

The bachelors leave the home.

And you?

I cleverly switch places
with one of the bachelors.

Then I marry madam, and
we both become film stars.

Although she doesn't like me
at first, you sense

that in the end, she'll love me
despite herself.

- A splendid idea!
- I can't wait to see it.

I'll call my partner.
I'll be right back.

He's hooked, don't stop now.

Do we have to get married?

- I can't help it.
- Why?

- Because.
- Because what?

- Because we got married this morning.
- Oh!

I'm Jean Lecuyer
and you are my wife!

How could I pass it up?

Happy?

Furious? Ok, let it out.

You forced me into it!

I would rather be your lover,
but I had no choice.

I was able to marry you without telling you.

Yet I can't become your lover
if I tell you.

Life can be so strange.
As though fate drew us together.

Really!

We might very well spend the rest
of our days together.

- It's not funny!
- I know!

Living with you will be no picnic,
but I love you.

But I hate you!

- Really?
- Really!

Maybe, but you might still love me.

Give me your hand.
Obey your husband!

Give me your hand and tense your arm.

Rehearsing?

Keep rehearsing, I'm making the film!

Very good!

Again and again!

As often as you wish!

Original translation:
Alberto de Lisi, TV5.

transcribed & synched September 2017
Horace Holly