Night at the Museum (2006) - full transcript

Hey, watch it!

Aw, come on.

Hey, Mike.

- Hey, Larry. How you doin'?
- Have you seen Nicky?

I'm pretty sure
he went home with Erica.

It was a half day today.
Parent Career Day.

- Hey.
- Hey. Come on in.

- You all right?
- Yeah, yeah.

Why didn't anybody tell me
it was Career Day?

What do you mean?
Nicky said he was gonna tell you.

Oh, okay. I guess he forgot.



- There he is.
- Hey.

- How are you, Larry?
- Good. How you doin', Don?

Good.

Can you believe this weather?

Chilly, right?

Chilly, chilly,
Chilly Willy the Penguin.

My phone. Leave me alone.

Hey, why don't I go tell
the little corncob you're here?

Great. Great. That's great.
Yeah. Thanks.

Your fiancé really manages
to squeeze a lot onto that belt.

- Stop it.
- What? What?

No, it's like he's the
Batman of stockbrokers.

- Bond trader.
- Bond trader. Sorry.

Hey, how's it going with that virtual reality
driving range that you wanted to open?



Gettin' there. Still waitin' for
the technology to catch up with the idea.

I mean, it's not easy. There
are a lot of moving parts.

Hey, do you think...
you think Nick would like Queens?

Oh, no. Larry, you didn't
get evicted again, did you?

I didn't... get evicted.
I didn't get evicted, no.

I mean I didn't...
No, I didn't get evicted yet.

- It's like...
- All right, listen to me.

I don't know how much more
of this Nicky can take.

Every couple months,
it's a new career, a new apartment.

If it wasn't for Nicky, I wouldn't
say anything. I would stay out of it.

It's just... It's too much instability.
It's not good for him.

I'm trying to figure things out
right now, okay?

You know...

I... I don't... I don't think
that Nicky should stay with you.

- What?
- Well, just until you get really settled.

Hey, Dad.

- Hey. Ready to carve it up?
- Cool.

- You're such a chicken!
- All right! Good!

- Get in front of it!
- Take it, Nicky! Break away!

- What are you doin'?
- Hey! Hey, Nicky!

- Get off the ice!
- Are you all right?

- You okay?
- I'm fine. Would you get off the ice?

Listen up. Their left defenseman
is a very weak skater.

You go to the left side, you got
a clear shot at the goal. Okay?

- Cool. Thanks.
- All right, man.

- Come on!
- We're good here.

He's good. All right.
As you were, skaters.

Game on.

- That's a good shot, kid!
- I'm good.

I'm tellin' you, man.
You tore it up out there today.

I'm thinkin' the NHL
is a serious possibility.

Yeah, I don't really wanna
be a hockey player anymore.

- All right. What do you wanna be?
- A bond trader.

- A bond trader?
- Yeah, it's what Don does.

He took me to his office
last week.

That's cool. So what? You wanna dress up
in a monkey suit and tie every day?

Like an automaton robot?

Trust me. You can't play hockey
in a cubicle. Kinda awkward.

Well, he's got
a pretty big office.

That's not the point.
Come on. You love hockey.

I still like it,
but bond trading's my fallback.

Your fallback? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You're too young to have
a fallback, okay, Nicky?

And also, where did you ever
even hear that word?

Mom was talking to Don
about all your different schemes.

- She called them schemes?
- She said it was time you found a fallback.

Are you really moving again?

I don't know. We'll see.

I mean, there are some pretty
cool places out in Queens.

- Yeah.
- Hey.

Hey, Nicky, look at me.

Look at me, man.
I wanna tell you somethin'.

I know that things have been
kinda up and down for me lately...

and that's been hard for you.

But I really feel like
my moment's coming...

and when it does, everything's
just gonna come together.

- You know?
- What if you're wrong...

and you're just an ordinary guy
who should get a job?

All right. Well...

You know what?
We'll figure it out, okay?

All right?

Come on. Let's get you
back to Mom's. Come on.

Mr. Daley, I can honestly say,
in 43 years at this agency...

I've never seen
a résumé quite like yours.

All right!

That wasn't a compliment.

It says here you were the C.E.O.
of Snaptime Industries.

Care to elaborate on that?

Sure. Well, that was the umbrella
corporation for my invention, the Snapper.

You know, you snap, lights come on.
Snap, they come off.

Didn't they already make that?

No, no. That's the Clapper...

which, obviously,
stole a bit of our thunder.

Personally, I don't really
see what the big difference is.

I mean... You know, whatever.

But apparently...

there is a significant portion
of the population...

that has trouble actually snapping.

Clapping's easier.

Debatable.

I can't help you.

Debbie?
Can I call you Debbie?

'Cause I felt a connection
when I entered this office.

And I don't know.
I feel like you did too.

I didn't feel a connection.

Look.

I need a job tomorrow, okay?

If I don't have one...

I just need it, okay?

Well, I don't know. I...

I might have one thing.

They've turned down everyone
I've sent over there, but...

- Great.
- Who knows?

You might get lucky.

- Excuse me. Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Larry Daley. I've got
a job interview with Cecil Fredericks.

- Right. He should still be in his office.
- Great.

- I'm Rebecca Hutman. I'm a docent here.
- Hi.

- Well, let me point you in the right direction.
- Please.

Teddy Roosevelt, right?

Yes, a great visionary.

Yes, definitely.
He was our fourth president, right?

- Twenty-sixth.
- Twenty-sixth.

Please don't touch the exhibits!

- Get down.
- I mean... Riffraff.

Miss Hutman, I cannot
tolerate this type of chaos.

I mean, this is a museum,
not a...

Do you know
what museum means?

It doesn't mean, ooh, Daddy,
it's a big tyrannosaurus thing!

Can I touch its leg?
No! It...

Work it out, please.

- Will do, sir.
- Thank you.

Dr. McPhee,
the museum director.

Seems like a fun guy.

Control your young, please!
Can we?

Hello?

- I'm just kidding.
- Hi. I'm Larry Daley.

Are you Mr. Fredericks?

Mr. Fredericks was my father.
I am Cecil.

Good to meet you, Larry.
Nice, firm handshake.

I like that. Tells a lot about a man.
Come on in.

Okay.

- Let's talk turkey here.
- Okay.

The museum is losing money,
hand over fist.

I guess kids today don't care
about wax figures or stuffed animals.

So they're downsizing,
which is code for firing...

myself and the other
two night guards.

They want to replace
us with one new guard.

Oh, sorry.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I'd like you to meet my
two colleagues here. Reginald?

Gus?

Where is he?
I'll beat him with my fist!

Gus, this is Larry Daley, the kid
who wants to be the new night guard.

Night guard?

No, no. The lady at the agency
said this was a museum position.

Most important position
in the museum, Larry.

He looks like a weirdy.

Wonderful guard,
terrible people skills.

Now listen, lunch box,
don't try anything funny.

I once went nine rounds
with John L. Sullivan.

You never fought
John L. Sullivan in your life.

Gentlemen, we have
a job candidate here.

He's got an excellent résumé, a winning
attitude, and I say let's give him a shot.

- What do you say?
- Hang on a sec.

I think I might wanna have
a little time just to think it over.

Do you want the job or not,
snack shack?

No, no. I want the job. I...

Welcome to
the night guards, Larry.

Larry, meet me
up on the second floor.

I'll slip into my orthopedics and give
you a little tour. Arthritic knees.

Not fun gettin' old,
my friend. Go on.

You really think he's the one?

Oh, yes.

He's the one.

Gotta keep it moving, Larry.
I'm pretty spry for an old man.

This is the Diorama Room.

Oh, yeah.

I remember these little guys.

Cute.

Cecil!

Hey, Cecil!

Did I get you good!

Yeah. You got me.

Seriously, though,
no foolin' around in here.

This stuff is really old.
All right then.

As you can see, it's pretty
quiet in here these days.

On your left there
is your Attila the Hun.

And here we have
our Easter Island head.

Hey, Cecil.

And this, of course,
is the Hall of African Mammals.

Ah, yes.

Ooh, monkeys.
I love monkeys.

- Yeah.
- That guy's cute.

Yeah, we call him Dexter.

He's quite a little ball of fun,
aren't you, Dexter?

Moving on.

And, finally, this is the temple
of the pharaoh Ahkmenrah.

And in that
tomb right down there...

the pharaoh himself.

Neat.

And hanging on the wall behind him
was his most prized possession...

the Tablet of Ahkmenrah.

Twenty-four-karat gold.
It's worth a fortune.

- Very cool.
- It is indeed, Larry.

Very cool.

All right.

Report here at 5:00 tomorrow.
We'll walk you through your duties.

Okay. 5:00. I'll be here.

Moving on.

Hey, it's me.
So I got a job.

Oh, Larry, that's great.
What is it?

It's a...
it's a job at the...

at the Museum of Natural History.

Yeah. So you can tell
Nicky that we won't be moving.

- Larry, this is good news.
- Yeah, no, definitely.

- So I'll see you tomorrow?
- Okay.

Okay. Bye.

Larry.

Your keys. Your torch.

Right.

You're gonna want to
strap those to your belt.

Now, it can get a little
spooky around here at night...

so you might
want to put a few lights on.

All right. Flashlight, keys.

What am I for...

The instruction manual.

Instructions.
You start with one, two, three...

- Four?
- Are you crackin' wise?

I ought to punch you
in the nose, hopscotch.

Leave him alone, Gus.
You got it covered, right, Larry?

- Yeah, yeah, I got it.
- You better get it!

Gus. Larry, do 'em in order,
do 'em all and do 'em quick.

And the most important thing of all
to remember, don't let anything in or out.

- Out?
- Good luck, son.

- Night, Gus.
- Young buck, crackin' wise.

Moving on.

Hello? Hello!

Check! Check!

I am Larry.

Check! Larry! L... Larry.

Monday! Monday! Monday!

Monster truck rally!

Cecil?

Okay, very funny, Cecil!

What is this,
like a David Copperfield thing?

This is weird.

Cecil?

Come on! Revolve! Revolve!

Name, please?

Cecil... Fredericks!

One moment. Connecting.

- Hello?
- Cecil! It's Larry Daley!

Larry. Yes? How can I help you?

The dinosaur...
The dinosaur's alive!

I'm havin' a little trouble
hearin' you, friend.

The dinosaur's alive! What do I do?
Just tell me what to do!

Read the instructions.
It explains everything.

Okay, I got 'em!

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Wait! Wait!

Number one, throw the bone.
What bone?

Fetch?

Play fetch?

No way.

Hey!

- Dum-dum.
- Yes?

- You give me gum-gum.
- I give you gum-gum?

You new dum-dum.
You give me gum-gum.

Gee. Okay. You know what?
I have no gum-gum.

Sorry. And my name isn't dum-dum.
My name's Larry.

No, your name dum-dum.

Oh, you in trouble, dum-dum.

You better run-run
from Attila the Hun-Hun!

See you later, dum-dum.

What is happening?

Hey.

How you doing?

Are you... You're...

Sak... Sakagawa... waya?

You're Sakagawaya?

Oh, Sakagawea.
You're Sakagawea?

The glass. I can't...

You... You can't...

You can't hear me? Excuse me.
Who assisted the Lewis and Clark...

Right. So that's Lewis and Clark,
and you're... Right.

You seem... I'm Larry.

What's going on? What's...
Do you know what's going on here?

Huns! I gotta...

Number two, lock up the lions
or they'll eat you.

Hey! Hi!

Tin Man! Hey. Hi.
How you doin'?

I'm new here, and it says I'm supposed
to lock up the lions or they'll eat me.

- You're Galileo? No?
- Turista.

Okay. Hey. I'm the...

Hi. I'm the new guy...

and I'm just lockin' up.

So if it's cool with you, I'm just
gonna get my paperwork and...

be out of your hair, okay?

Double-check your belt.
The monkey probably stole your keys.

Monkey.

Hey. Hey, there.

Hi. What's your name?
Your name is...

No, no, no.
Come back. Come back.

Dewey? Is that your name?
Dewey?

No, no, no. What's... Dewey?
Dexter? Dexter. Dexter, right?

Hey, Dexter, you want
to give me those keys?

I just want to lock up.

Yes. Oh, good. Come to papa.

Oh, thank you.
Can I have those keys?

Oh, good. What a good boy.

That's okay. Oh, thank you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's okay.

Thank you very, very much.

Bad monkey! Stop that!
That's not right!

Are you done?

Do you have an issue with me, huh?
Do you have an issue with me?

'Cause if I have a problem with somebody,
I don't pee on them, okay?

All right? And also...
Let me tell you something. These keys?

Hey! Dexter, that's not funny!
Give 'em back!

Dexter! Dexter! Give...

Don't. I know what you're
thinking. Don't do it.

Not a good idea.

Not... Dexter, I need those!

Hey, don't encourage him! You think
you're funny for your friends, huh?

You three, you think you got... What, he's the
ringleader, and you're like a little audience?

Yeah, no! Don't do it!
Okay? Lookit! Look...

You!

This is not happening.

Oh, man.

What are you guys doing?

I can't feel my lip.

Oh, shit.

Man!

Hey. Hey.

Hey, stop that!

Hogtie him, boys!

Get him!

Get that big old Bocephus
of a man!

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Cinch him up real good!

- You ain't so big now, are you, boy?
- Hey! Hey, stop that!

Every night, year after year...

one of you guards
locks us up in these boxes!

Well, I hereby say, sir, enough!

Fire up the iron horse, boys.

Hey, blondie.

- Name's Jedidiah!
- All right, Jedidiah. Stop the train, please!

That's a big no-can-do,
crackerjack.

- What's going on here, huh?
- Somebody's gotta pay.

- Pay for what?
- I don't know! Just pay!

Now stop whining
and just take it like a man!

Seriously, stop the train.

- All right. Stop the train!
- Thank you.

Now full speed ahead
and ram him!

Split his head
like a watermelon!

For crying out loud!

- All right. That's enough.
- We got a breach!

I got him!
I got him, guys! I got him!

- Oh, my...
- Prepare the catapults.

Whoa, Octavius, hold on. This ain't
your fight. This here giant's on our land.

Hey, hey, little guy.
Jed. Yeah.

Sorry. Look, I just...
I'm not a giant, okay?

- I'm just like an average size...
- Don't talk down to me!

I'm not a giant, guys. All right?
You guys are really little.

We may be small,
but our hearts are large...

metaphorically speaking.

Don't take that the wrong way.
I'm just saying you're miniatures.

Silence! The Roman Empire
knows no boundaries.

Steady, men!

- Don't you do it, son.
- Do what?

- Octavius!
- Don't do what?

Unleash hell!

Fire!

Fire!

Climb aboard, boy.
Take the hand, son.

On board.

That's right! You better run, boy!
You hear Jedidiah?

That mustachioed horseman ain't always
gonna be there to protect you! You hear me?

Thank you.

Not at all. Theodore Roosevelt...

26th president of these
United States of America, at your service.

Okay.

I'm Larry Daley,
the new night guard.

Pleasure to meet you,
Lawrence Daley!

You'll have to excuse me though.
The hunt is afoot.

Hunt's afoot.

Excuse me. Mr. President,
can I ask you something?

- Yes, but just one question.
- All right. Okay.

Why? Is it like just some,
like, three-wishes kind of deal?

Not at all. Self-reliance
is the key to a vigorous life.

A man must look inward to find
his own answers. How can I be of help?

All right. Well, I...
I don't really know how to put this...

and please don't take it
the wrong way...

but isn't everything in this
museum supposed to be, you know...

Dead?

- Yeah.
- Follow me.

Yell all you want, pharaoh!

You've been in there 54 years!
You're not getting out tonight!

There's the source
of all this commotion.

The Tablet of Ahkmenrah.

Arrived here in 1952
from the Nile expedition.

On that night...

everything in this museum
came to life.

And every night since.

So everything in the museum
comes to life every night?

Exactly.

And I'm supposed to do what?

You're the night watchman,
Lawrence.

A venerable position
in this institution.

- Come on, lad.
- All right. Okay.

- This is impossible.
- Nothing's impossible.

If it can be dreamed,
it can be done.

Hence, the 20-foot jackal staring at you
right now. Don't make eye contact!

Your job is to make sure that
everyone stays inside the museum...

because if the sun rises and anyone's
on the outside, we turn to dust.

- You turn to dust?
- Dust.

- Really?
- Really.

Now it's almost dawn.
I shall help you restore order tonight.

But mark my words, it's the last time
I shall ever do so. Is that clear?

Yeah. I mean...

I mean, I guess. I don't...

Stop babbling, boy! Yes or no?

- Yes.
- Good!

Let's ride.

All right.
So, the Hall of Reptiles is secure.

What are you looking at?

I'm tracking, dear boy.

A man's got to track.
Welcome to the family, Lawrence.

- See you tomorrow night.
- Well... actually, I gotta be honest.

- I don't think I'm coming back.
- What? You've only just begun.

- Yeah. Well, this is not exactly what I...
- Lawrence.

Yeah?

What did you do before
you took this post?

Well, I've done
a lot of different things.

I invented this thing
called the Snapper.

Did you give up on that as well?

No. I didn't.
No, I just hit a few roadblocks.

- You might've heard of the Clapper.
- Lawrence.

- Yes, sir.
- Some men are born great.

Others have greatness
thrust upon them.

For you, this is that very moment.

Bully! Gotcha, boy.

Yeah. You got me.

Say hello to your little friend!

- Hey!
- What are you doing?

Put me down!
I don't like to be manhandled!

- Just calm down, Jed.
- It doesn't feel good!

- It makes me feel small and powerless.
- You done?

I'm gonna shoot you
in your dang eye.

In your dadgum eye.

Yeah, keep shootin'.
Nothing's gonna happen.

Now you know my shame.

Jedidiah's impotent rage.

His guns don't fire.
Take me away.

This ain't over!
You ain't seen the last of me!

Yeah, I don't wanna
hear it, okay?

Duck!

The bigger they are,
the harder they fall.

This is not worth
$11.50 an hour.

Look, the giant's scared.
There's a bigger giant runnin' around.

Hello!

Larry?

Larry?

Oh, don't do that!
We're too old for surprises.

Really? I thought you liked surprises.
Like how you surprised me...

with the fact that everything
in the museum comes to life at night!

That little sweetheart.

Larry, we wanted to tell you.
You never would have believed us.

Do you have any idea what
I've been through tonight?

What?

I said, do you have any idea
what I've been through tonight?

Keep a lid on it, butterscotch!

I don't even know if what happened was real
or not, but I did not sign up for this.

I just need a regular job that... that
is not life-threatening and pays my bills.

So thank you very much, and I left my
uniform in the office, and I will be seeing you.

Larry!

- Dad.
- Hey.

Hey, buddy.
What are you guys doin' here?

Erica had to be in court
early this morning...

so I'm taking
Mr. Big Stuff here to school.

But he wanted to swing by
to see you in the new job.

It's so awesome
that you're working here.

Hey, Niko, want to take
a little look-a-doo inside?

Maybe your dad will
give you a V.I.P. tour.

You know what? We're
pretty slammed this morning.

Yeah, but, Nicky, I promise, I'll...
I'll show you around soon, okay? Deal?

- Deal.
- All right.

- Bye, Dad.
- Bye.

- Love you.
- Love you too, buddy.

Bye now. All right.

Hey, Larry.

So, I was thinkin' maybe
I'll give it one more night.

I'm glad you came around.
Welcome back.

You! New night guard,
here, now.

- What's up?
- What's up?

Well, take a walk with me, and
I'll show you, Mr. What's Up. Come on.

So, would you kindly do me
the favor of explaining this?

Okay.

I'm guessing... and I'm
just spitballing here, but...

looks like that Roman dude got cocky
and climbed over into the Wild West.

And that cowboy knows the Roman dude
wants to take over his territory...

so he rounded up a posse
and put him in the stockade.

Let's all laugh at me,
the comedy night guard.

No is the answer.

Sarcasm back at you, with your
humor box. I wasn't laughing.

I was pretending to laugh, if that's what
you want, some sort of battle of humor.

Do you?

No.

I don't want a...
No, I don't want a battle of humor.

No, you don't, because it would
be a bloodbath.

Nothing funny about Little Bighorn.

No. I find it about
as funny as a fancist.

It's not funny. Okay?

And I will not stand
for this type of blatant s...

If I'm not clear, tell me.

Am I clear?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, Cecil.

You got an extra copy of that
instruction manual?

Oh, no, I'm afraid not, Larry.
Listen, I'll tell you what you do.

Read some books.
Brush up on your history.

Helped me a lot
when I first started out.

This museum
was originally dedicated...

to that man on the horse up there.
President Theodore Roosevelt.

He absolutely loved history and believed
that the more you know about the past...

the better prepared
you are for the future.

Okay, kids. Who can tell me
what this room is called?

Very good.
The Hall of African Mammals.

Right here we have the king
of the jungle, the lion.

And up ahead is one of my favorite creatures
in the whole museum, the capuchin monkey.

A highly intelligent primate...

known for its loving and
generous nature.

Excuse me?

I... I... I just
thought that was...

I... I just was
laughing in agreement.

Happy monkey.

All right, kids. This way.

Let me tell you something.

I'm not buyin' it. You might have them
fooled. You might have the kids fooled.

Not me. Can't get past me.

There's a storm comin', buddy.
There's a storm comin'.

One of the most
famous trackers in history...

Sakagawea was the woman
who led Lewis and Clark...

on their expedition
to find the Pacific Ocean.

Now, you guys have probably heard the
saying, actions speak louder than words.

And yet they wrote...
Yes, Mr. Daley?

Yes. Was she deaf?

Was she deaf?
No, she was not. But she...

Yeah, 'cause, just, she does seem
a little bit, sort of, unresponsive.

That's because she's a statue.

Kids, could you give
me one sec?

Go check her out.
She's really cool.

- What are you doing?
- Well, I'm gonna be here every night...

and I just wanted to learn a little bit
more about what I'm guarding.

Actually, I've got a bunch of questions.
Maybe, I don't know, when you have a break...

- Could I buy you a cup of coffee or something?
- A cup of coffee?

Yeah, I mean,
just purely a, you know...

colleague-to-colleague
information download sort of coffee.

I finish in 20 minutes.
I'll meet you outside.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

- And have a good rest of your...
- All right. All right. Okay, kids!

It was incredible what she did.

She literally led these men
across rivers, up mountains.

All with her newborn baby on her back.
She was like the ultimate working mother.

You are quite
the Sakagawayan expert.

- Sakagawee-an.
- Sakagawee-an?

Yeah. I should be. I've been writing
my dissertation on her for four years.

Four years? You've been working on one paper
for four years? That would drive me crazy.

Actually, it's more like
a 900-page book.

So, what's your story?
You always wanted to be a security guard?

Oh, I didn't mean to...

No, no, no, no. No, I'm divorced,
and I have a 10-year-old son...

so I needed to find a...
a more steady situation.

Got it. So what can I
tell you about the museum?

Okay. Attila the Hun...
What is that guy's problem?

Attila was considered the only genuine
threat to the Roman Empire.

Known as the Scourge of God...

Attila and his Huns would often...

tear off the limbs
of their helpless victims.

Attila was famous for his
superstitious beliefs.

He surrounded himself with a phalanx
of sorcerers and magicians...

who advised and mystified him
with their dark arts.

Larry? Just wanted to say
good luck, son.

And good-bye.
We're clocking out for the last time.

- If you're ever in Boca, look us up.
- Wait.

You guys are goin' out of town?
What if this doesn't work out?

A smart fellow like you?
You'll be fine.

Yeah, we'll just be a phone call away.
Come on. Walk us out.

You fellows go ahead.
I...

I... I... I need a moment.

He's very emotional.
A lot of memories in this room.

Go crazy, big guy.

Hey, guys.

Quest for fire?

Over. Knock yourselves out.

Morning, dum-dum.

Me no dum-dum. You dum-dum.
You bring me gum-gum?

Yes, I did, fathead.

Lots and lots of gum-gum.

What's that?

I can't hear you
through the glass.

Sorry.

Heave!

- Heave! Heave!
- Hey.

- Heave!
- What's goin' on over here?

We expand or we die.

- Heave! Heave!
- On the count of three...

you blow this anthill
to kingdom come!

And a-one!

- Hey, hey, Jed! Stop that!
- And a-two!

All right? Don't do that. You blow a hole in
your mountain, all you're gonna hit is a wall.

Step aside, Gigantor.
We got us a railroad to build.

We're blowin' a
hole in that thing.

Okay, first of all, enough
with the Gigantor giant stuff.

Okay? I'm just tryin'
to close up shop.

We're gonna blow it anyway!
And a-three!

Yeah, poof.

What are you doing?

What's it look like we're doin'?
It's manifest destiny.

You can't fight it, and neither can I!
Go! More dynamite!

- Yeah, use it all!
- All right. Okay.

Listen, Octavus?
You gotta stop that.

It's Octavius, Mary.

Okay, you know what? Fine. Great.
Here you go. This is what happens.

You cannot do this! I am a Roman
general! I have rights!

And you.

Do it all... Hey! No!
Put me down!

- Keep heaving, men! I will return, I swear!
- You can't stop progress!

We're gonna have
a little talk, okay?

I told you, I don't like
to be manhandled!

No, I will manhandle you,
Jedidiah!

Now listen, guys, what is your problem,
huh? Why can't you just get along?

Look, we're men. We fight, okay?
That's what we do.

It's kinda how we pass the time.

You're, like, a... a giant,
a freak, if you will.

We can't expect you
to understand that.

You guys got the whole room to run around
in. You don't have to be near each other.

- What? You mean...
- You're gonna let us out?

What, and just...
just roam free?

Yeah. Yeah, I might,
if you promise to behave.

That means no fireballs,
no explosions, okay?

- You have my word, my liege.
- Yeah, no problemo, Gigantor.

My name's Larry,
first of all, okay, Jed?

So I call you Jed.
I don't call you tiny, right?

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Hey, teeny. How does that sound?

I don't like it.
It hurts my feelings.

Okay, well, Gigantor makes me
feel like some sort of freak.

- So you know...
- I don't... I just call you Larry.

Don't be a kiss-ass, okay?
Now look, I'm trusting you guys, all right?

If you don't do what I say, you're gonna end
up like your buddies in the Mayan world.

Locked up. Take a look.

- Do they look happy?
- No.

They look sad.

'Cause they can't do
what they want to do.

Now I'm letting you guys
have a little bit of leash here.

Don't choke me with it, okay?
Now I gotta run. You guys play nice, okay?

Okay. Good. Thanks.

Hey, how's that gum
treatin' you, dum-dum?

Good.

Oh, hey, Dexter.
I'm just locking up. You want in?

Yeah? All right.

What's that?
You got my keys?

I don't think so.

Looks like Uncle Larry
pulled a fast one on little Dexy.

Those are baby keys
for a little baby.

So have fun playin' with your baby keys,
little baby monkey.

Maybe tomorrow night I'll bring you a baby
diapie so you can go poo-poo in it.

Then I'll give you a little tickle
'cause you're a cute little baby.

Will you cry all night long
about how Uncle Larry fooled you, huh?

Told you there was a storm comin'.

This way.

- Hey, Teddy.
- Lawrence!

You impertinent pup.
I knew you'd come back.

You look like a man on a mission.

Yeah, I'm gonna
give it another shot.

- You...
- What?

- You checkin' her out?
- The nerve!

Checking her out.
I've never heard of such a thing.

No, no, no. I'm just... I mean,
you know, she's... she's very beautiful.

- Beautiful?
- Yeah.

- Well, a handsome woman, I suppose.
- Yeah.

Maybe you should go...
go talk to her.

- Indeed!
- Yeah.

- Bless ya, lad. Carry on.
- All right. Good.

See ya.

I...

Hey. Hi.

No! It's okay. It's okay.

You guys speak English? No?

Right. Okay, I don't know
what that means...

and I know that you and I kinda
got off on the wrong foot last night...

but... a little birdie...

told me that somebody
likes... magic.

- Magic?
- Magic.

Sorcery.

Ah, sorsor...

Yes, illusion.

Everybody likes magic.

And flowers. People like flowers.

There you go.
Those are for you.

You know what else
people like? Money.

The almighty dollar, right?

But money can sometimes
disappear.

Yeah.

At least that's what I hear.

No wonder you can't understand me.
You got a coin in your ear.

Oh, check this out.
Anybody need a hanky?

Well, I wouldn't suggest
this little feller...

'cause he has a nasty habit
of vanishing.

Into thin air.

Ah, no, no. Don't.
That defeats the... Don't... Don't...

Not the limbs! Guys!

Please do not tear the limbs!

Cortés, right?

How?

You... Don't even think
about it. Don't you...

Dexter!

Come on, guys.

Hey! Guys!

Hey, guys! Hey! Guys!

Sorry. What's going on?

What happened here?
I thought we had a deal.

We will never coexist
with these buffoons!

We're past words, Laredo.

Now it's time to let
Smith & Wesson do the talkin'!

Those guns don't even work.

Oh, they don't?
Take a look at this.

Don't kick me!

Dexter!

Why?

Dexter!

End of the line, cool breeze.

End of the line.

I am not playing games here.

Just hand them over.

Easy. Easy, Dexter.

Nice and easy, Dex. That's it.

Good Lord, Lawrence!
Why are you slapping a monkey?

Teddy, this guy's been pushing me
and pushing me, and I'm sick of it!

Poppycock. This little creature
is your primate brother.

Without him, there's no us.

Are you rabid? Wipe that off.

You have to deal with this
creature with love and respect.

May I have the keys,
dear friend?

Thank you. Lawrence?

You know what? You seem to know
what you're doing, Teddy.

So I'm gonna let you
take over, all right?

No, no! My dear boy,
you can't put up the white flag now.

The museum is on the verge
of total anarchy!

Look, I tried. I came back
tonight, didn't I?

Tried? That was one night. I didn't build
the Panama Canal in one day!

Yeah, well, that's great, Teddy, but I'm dealing
with the most ridiculous job in history!

- Some men are born great, Lawrence.
- Yeah, I know, Teddy.

Others have greatness
thrust upon them.

You hit me with that
chestnut last night.

The thing is,
not everyone is great.

That's the problem.
Some of us are just ordinary.

No, you're not, Lawrence. For the love
of Gideon, stop wallowing in self-pity.

Every great journey
begins with a single footstep.

If you could teach the inhabitants to get
along, they wouldn't need to be locked up.

That means a lot coming from a guy
who's spent the last 50 years...

spying on a girl
he's never even talked to.

I was going to make contact.
Lawrence, please.

I'm done, all right?

No, Rexy! No!

Oh, no.

All right.

No one comes here anymore. Besides,
I took this tour in second grade, Daley.

I'm telling you.
My dad's gonna hook us up.

- Mr. Daley.
- Yeah?

- Foam.
- Yes, I know.

- In the Neanderthal display.
- I know. I know.

There was an incident last
night with the fire extinguisher.

I was literally on my
way to clean it up.

Okay, don't bother.
You're fired.

I don't think we're
gettin' a tour today.

Your dad just got canned, dude.

Excuse me?

Mr. McPhee?
Excuse me, Mr. McPhee?

Can I talk to you
about this, please, sir?

- What?
- I know I screwed up...

but I think I finally understand
how to do this job.

- You obviously don't. That's the point.
- No, I didn't, but now I do.

- Really, Mr. McPhee, if you just give me one...
- Doctor.

Dr. McPhee, just...
Can you please give me one more night?

- One more night.
- Okay. Thank you.

And if anything is the tiniest...

after your shift...

Because...

Got it.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice...

Shame on me.

Fool me... Shame on me.

- You.
- Fool me twice... Got it.

- Take it or leave it.
- Okay. Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What's wrong?
- Maybe you should ask Nicky.

Hey, buddy. What's goin' on?

You got fired.

What are you talkin' about?
I didn't get fired.

I came to the
museum this morning.

I saw your boss yelling at you.

Why didn't you tell me?
No, everything's fine.

I just... We just had
a little misunderstanding.

Why?

It's hard to explain. It's got...
I mean, you wouldn't bel...

You know what?
Let me show you.

- Show me what?
- Come to work with me tonight.

Larry, can I talk
to you for a second?

- Am I in trouble?
- Larry, what are you doing?

I just want to show him
what I do. That's all.

I love that you want to share that
with him, but I gotta tell you...

I don't think Nicky has any room
in his heart for more disappointment.

He won't be disappointed.

Larry...

He won't be disappointed.

Listen, you're gonna hang out in the
security office till everyone's gone.

- Then I'm gonna come get you, all right?
- Okay.

Hey, miss? I'm gonna have
to ask you to vacate the premises.

- Hey, there.
- Hey.

- Good place to think, huh?
- Yeah, definitely.

So, no big plans tonight or...

Yeah. No, I'm not really
a big plan person.

I prefer hanging out with people
who were dead for 200 years.

It's the live ones that throw me.

That's cool. Seriously, though,
you do have to leave.

- Seriously?
- Yeah. Sorry.

It's just museum rules, and we're
sort of locking everything up.

No. Okay.

You're really taking
your job seriously. Okay.

Well, you know,
once I clip on the tie, I'm all business.

- I get it.
- Yeah. How's that dissertation coming?

Oh, I've hit a dead end.
I mean, research can only get me so far.

I'm never gonna know
who she really was.

So, I think it's time that
I move on to another subject.

I'll let you get back to work.

- Okay.
- Good night, Larry.

Yeah. Okay.

Night.

Hey!

Rebecca!

- Hey, Rebecca.
- Hey.

Hey, listen. I don't think
you should give up on your paper.

Okay. Why?

All right, look.
This is gonna sound crazy, all right?

I mean, it's gonna sound
like really, really crazy.

- Okay.
- No, I mean like insanely crazy.

- I can handle it.
- Okay.

You know how they say
in certain museums history comes alive?

- Yeah.
- In this museum...

it actually does.

What are you talking about?

Everything in this museum
comes to life at night.

- Really?
- Yeah, really. I'm not kidding you.

You know that tablet,
the Tablet of Ahkmenrah?

It actually brings things to life.
It's like some ancient spell.

Since the '50s when it came here, every
night everything's been coming to life.

I know this because Teddy Roosevelt
told me. Seriously. The monkey, Dexter?

Right? The cute little...
What is he? Like a...

- A capuchin.
- A capuchin, right. The capuchin.

He urinated on me
and bit my nose.

And Sakagawea is in her case...

alive every night, just listening
to Lewis and Clark argue.

So if you really want
to get inside her head...

I can hook that up.

- That's cool.
- Yeah, it's cool. It's freakin' awesome!

Make fun of the history geek.

No. Rebecca!

Good night, Larry.

No, I'm not making fun of you.
Rebecca!

There you go.
Best seat in the house.

- What's going on?
- If I told you, you'd think I'm crazy...

so I'm just gonna show you.

- What?
- You'll see in about 20 seconds.

- Okay, you like Tyrannosaurus Rex?
- Yeah.

Yeah? Well, I call him Rexy.

And he's about
to come to life, Nicholas...

in...

five, four, three, two...

- Dad?
- Hang on a sec.

Say hello to Rexy!

Dad, are you okay?

This is weird.

Guys? Come on!

Sundown!

Hey, T.R. Come on. Rise and
shine, buddy. I need you to wake up.

Come on. My kid is here.
I need you to wake up. Texas?

Texas, come on! Texas, come on!
Get on, Texas!

Whoo! Get on, Texas!
Giddap!

Just stop, okay?

No. Nicky, I'm telling you.
There's this tablet, okay?

It's called the Tablet of Ahkmenrah,
and every night at sundown...

- Now there's a tablet?
- Yeah, there is.

Come on, Dad.

Come on.

- It's gone.
- What's gone?

The tablet.
I think somebody stole it.

Yeah, right.

I'm not kidding, Nicky.

Nicky?

Hey! Nicky!

Hey! Hey, Nicky!
Where are you going? Huh?

- Home.
- What? Wait a minute.

Come on.

- You guys shouldn't be here.
- Give us the tablet, son.

Wait a minute, Nicky.
What are you guys doing?

We're not gonna hurt you.
Give us the tablet.

I'm sorry to tell you this, son, but
your dad doesn't work here anymore.

Got fired this morning.
Couldn't hack it.

Dad, I thought you said
you weren't fired.

I did, Nicky. They're lying.
They're trying to steal that thing.

Just turn the middle piece.
You'll see what I was talking about.

That is museum property, son.
Now give it back.

Nicky, trust me.
Just turn it.

Give us the tablet!

Nicky, trust me.

Nick, run, now.

Get back here, kid!

Bad idea, Larry.

You wanna dance, hot dog?
Do you wanna dance?

Gus, you're an old man.
I don't want to hurt...

You see, Larry,
a few years into the job...

the three of us realized that,
like everything else in this museum...

we got new life at night.

Sundown to sunrise,
we felt young again.

Okay. Did not see that coming.

Gave us an energy boost.

We love the nightlife, Larry.

So when we found out they were gonna
fire us, we had to steal the tablet.

Everyone knows
you need the money.

Add to that the stuff
we planted in your place...

Pretty obvious you committed the crime.
Take care of that cut.

Come on, guys.
Let's go find that kid.

Sweet dreams, cupcake!

- No!
- Pile driver!

Come on. Let's get our tablet.

Thank you very much.
We'll take it from here.

Nicky!

Just in time, Larry.
We were just locking up.

Sleep tight, hotshot.

Let's grab everything
we can fence.

I don't know about you, but
I'm planning on a long retirement.

Teddy! Teddy, if you're out there,
I need you, pal!

Someone call my name?

Theodore Roosevelt at your service.

- Teddy, can you get us out of here?
- Can't do it, man.

This is your moment.

Will you save the lectures, please?
I'm not you, okay?

I didn't build the Panama Canal.
I wasn't president of the United States.

I need some help!
Come on!

Actually, I never did
any of those things.

Teddy Roosevelt did.

I was made in a mannequin factory
in Poughkeepsie.

I never shot a wild beast.

I'm not even brave enough
to tell that beautiful woman I love her.

But you...

You gotta finish the job this time.
You can't quit.

I'm made of wax, Larry.
What are you made of?

Wait a minute!
That's all you got for me?

That's it!

That's it. Come on.

Duck!

Go over there!

Hey. Hi. How you doin'?

Sorry to bother you, but
your guys there, your jackal guys...

Do you think you could actually
ask them to back off, please?

We're not trying to hurt you,
and they think we are.

Do you think you could
possibly do it, like, now?

Thank you. Nicky.
Thank you.

Dad?

You would not believe
how stuffy it is in there.

How come you speak English?

- I went to Cambridge University.
- You went to Cambridge?

I was on display
in the Egyptology Department.

I am Ahkmenrah,
fourth king of the fourth king...

ruler of the land of my fathers.

I am Larry...

son of Milton...

and this is my son, Nick...

and we hail from Brooklyn.

Well, I do. I mean, he
comes out and stays

with me on Wednesdays and
every other weekend.

That was the custody
agreement that we had.

Larry, Nick,
guardians of Brooklyn...

I am forever in your debt.

Now bestow the tablet upon me...

so that I may assume
command of my kingdom.

Oh, yes. Okay, the tablet.

I would love
to bestow it upon you...

but we don't actually have it.

Thanks, guys. Don't worry.
I'll watch out for him.

Thank you.

What is that?

Huns.

I gotta deal with this guy.

Pardon me, Larry.
I speak Hun.

He says that he wants
to rip you apart.

All right. Again with the ripping.
Listen, I understand.

I get it. Ripping for you...
You want to rip things, okay?

And I think maybe that's because
somebody ripped you a long time ago.

In here.

Did somebody rip little...
little baby Attila...

a long time ago right here?

They ripped... They ripped
something out, didn't they?

They ripped love.

They ripped love
right out of you, didn't they?

A little baby all alone in a tent...

whose daddy went off...

to pillage some town
or go and plunder somewhere.

Just doing his job.
But who was left alone?

You.

It's okay. It's okay.

Let it out. Let it go.
Let it go.

It's okay. It's okay.

You're next.

Yeah.

Good. That's good.
Just breathe.

Just... Just...

- Yeah.
- Larry Daley?

Yeah?

Good. Yes.

Yeah, okay. Good. Good.

All right!

I need everybody to listen up!

Guys, come on!

Quiet!

- My dum-dum want to speak.
- Thank you.

Now this here
is King Ahkmenrah.

His tablet is what brings you
to life every night.

And those old night watchmen...
they stole it.

Now we need to find those guards
and get the tablet back...

and we need to do it
before morning.

Civil War guys, head over
to the Planetarium Wing.

My explorer friend
whose name escapes me...

- It's Columbus.
- Right, Columbus.

Right. I'm sorry. There's no nameplate.
So, Columbus...

take the Neanderthals and do a sweep from
Invertebrates all the way through Reptiles.

Jed and Octavius, their van's
parked out back. Go take care of it.

No. No, sir.
I ain't workin' with toga boy.

- Romans work alone.
- That didn't hurt.

- Don't be a baby.
- Yes, it did!

Come on!
That was much harder!

Guys, come on! Jed, Octavius...

take away the fact
you were born 2,000 years apart.

You guys aren't that different.
You're both great leaders.

You just want what's best
for your people, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Civil War dudes!

You guys are brothers,
for God's sakes.

You've gotta stop fighting.

North wins.
Slavery's bad. Sorry.

Don't wanna burst your bubble.
But, South, you guys get...

Allman Brothers and
NASCAR.

So just chill!

Look, without that tablet,
all of this...

this whole coming to life
at night thing, it all goes away.

Now, I don't want
to let that happen...

but I need your help.

We can get this done,
but we gotta do it together.

So who's with me?

Yeah.

Who's with me?

Charge!

All right!
Let's do this, people!

And animals.

And weird, faceless
puppet creatures.

Come on! Let's go!
Let's do it!

Come on! Follow me, boys!

Geronimo!

Now, boys, we can do this
the easy way or the hard way.

I guess it's gonna
be the hard way.

Right, men, we're almost there.

Save yourself!

I ain't quittin' you!

Gus?

Reginald? Fellas?
Where are you?

Guys?

That's what I'm talkin' about.
Good job, gentlemen.

Loving the teamwork.

They've vanished.
How will we find them?

I know someone
who could help. Come on.

Watch out!

Hey, Sakagawea or waya. Listen,
I need a favor. Somebody stole his tablet.

Do you think you can track
the guys who took it?

He went east,
but he lost control and crashed.

You're amazing.
How can you tell that?

He left the wagon and went back.

He went back?

Why would he go back?

Get out of the way!

You saved me.

You're worth saving, my dear.

That's problematic.

- Teddy! Oh, man.
- Larry, relax. I'm wax.

You've gotta do something.
Dawn's approaching,

and half the museum is
running amok outside.

He's got my tablet.

Come on, Ockie!

At your service, Gigantor.

How can we be
of assistance, my liege?

Just give me a second, guys.

Rexy.

Here, boy.
Teddy, I need a horse.

Do it, man.

Come on, boy!
Let me hear you yell!

- Yeah!
- Just livin' the dream, baby!

I'm lovin' this!

Pull the stagecoach over now!

Can I make this turn up here?

I'll take that as a yes.
Hang on!

I can't hold her!

Come on, Tex. Let's finish this.
Come on!

- Give me the tablet, Cecil!
- Can't do it, son!

Pull over!

It ain't gonna happen!
Moving on!

Last chance, Cecil!
Stop the horses, or I will!

They can't be stopped, Larry.
Don't you know your history?

These are money carriers. They were trained
not to stop for anything but a secret word.

Really? You mean
a word like... Dakota!

Come on, Tex.

I read up on my history.
Thanks for the tip.

Oh, and by the way, don't ever talk
to me like that in front of my son.

Moving on.

Hey, Huns.

Tell Attila to have his boys take him back
to the museum, put him with the guards.

Oh, and no limb ripping, okay?

No, no, no, no.

Makeekaka.

Makeekaka!

Hey, wait. Hold the phone.

What does makeekaka mean?
Wait. Translation, please.

The year was 1909. I was going
up the Zambezi River in Africa...

and our river guide was a brilliant Pygmy
who spoke only by clicking.

Oh, there we are.

- Oh, boy.
- What is it?

I gotta get you guys
back to the museum.

How?

Ahkmenrah,
I'm gonna need your help.

This is your tablet. You know the instructions.
I need you to get everyone back.

Come on.

There's somebody
who's gotta see this.

What I'm saying is, for the
type of money that they pay A-Rod...

he oughta be bringin' home
a World Series trophy every season.

Know what I mean?

Now who they gonna get
to clean up all that doo-doo?

- Inuit.
- Yeah.

- One terra-cotta soldier. Vikings.
- Right.

- Alpaca. Llama.
- Welcome back, ladies.

Hey, Viking guys.

Do me a favor. Your fellows made some sort of
funeral pyre-type thing in Petrified Wood.

Go clean that up, okay?
Thank you.

He's back.

All right.
I'll deal with this joker.

Hey, hey, moose!
It's not gonna happen, buddy!

I told you three times. You can't come
through this door with those antlers.

So you and your caribou buddy
gotta go around to the loading dock.

- Lawrence!
- Hey, Teddy!

Great to see you in one piece.

Sakagawea, a little hot wax,
and I'm a new man.

Larry?

I told you I wasn't
making fun of you.

I know.

Teddy?

Oh, my God.

You wanna meet her?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Come on. Excuse me.

President Roosevelt,
this is my friend Rebecca.

- An honor.
- Hi.

And this is Sakagawaya.

- Wee-ah.
- Wee-ah.

Wee-ah.

I think she has a few questions
she wants to ask you.

You rock! I am a big fan.

What would you like to know?

Well, I don't know
where to start, but...

- One Buddha. Namaste.
- Check.

Two zebras.

Right. Check.

- Dexter! Welcome back.
- Hey, Dex. So, look.

No hard feelings, all right?

- Lawrence!
- You saw... You saw what he did just then!

- Who's evolved?
- I am.

- Who's evolved?
- I am!

Good.

Well, they're all here.
Well done. Everyone's in.

Yeah, well, not everyone.

We lost a couple of good
little men out there tonight.

With great victory
comes great sacrifice.

Yeah.

Dad, look!

Bully!

You ain't gettin' rid of us
that easy.

Until tomorrow
evening, Lawrence.

Yeah. I don't know
about that, Teddy.

It's gonna be tough
to talk my way out of this one.

Well, if that's indeed the case,
then it's farewell, my friend.

Nick? Your father's a great man.

I know.

I told you.

All right. Good night.

No, Lawrence. Good day.

Hey, Teddy?

Thanks.

You're watching
New York 1. News all morning.

Thanks for joining us this morning.

There is a fresh blanket
of snow on the ground today...

but it's not the snow
that's got New Yorkers talking.

It's what's in the snow. There are
dinosaur tracks along West 81st Street.

Here's the remarkable video.

These appear to be
Tyrannosaurus Rex tracks...

and they lead straight to
the Museum of Natural History.

Authorities have found what appear
to be cave drawings in the subway.

Neanderthals atop the museum roof.

Elaborate hoax or publicity stunt?

You be the judge.
But one thing's for sure.

The folks at the Natural History Museum
have really outdone them...

Any explanation at all?

No. Got nothin'.

Good.

I'll take your keys
and your flashlight.

Folks, this way.

My name is Nick Daley.
My Career Day parent is my dad.

He's the night watchman
at the Museum of Natural History.

Hey. How's it goin'?
Well, Nicky said it.

I'm the night watchman
at the Museum of Natural History.

Let me tell you something.
That's when history comes alive.

How many of you guys
been over to the museum?

Goal!

Hey, it's gettin' late.
You ready to go home?

Nope.

Let's ride.

It was nice of Larry not to
rat us out, but this is ridiculous.

We're night watchmen,
not janitors.

Gentlemen, you're doing a terrific
job. I'm gonna catch a few Z's.

You ain't goin' nowhere.

Start moppin', hot dog.

Over here.