Never a Dull Moment (1968) - full transcript
When practicing for a role, actor Jack is mistaken for the killer Ace. He doesn't realize this until it's too late and is carried off to gangster boss Leo Smooth, who wants Ace to do a job for him. Fearing for his life, Jack plays his role, but always searching for a way out of the well-guarded house.
Spread out and take cover!
This is Captain Jacoby speaking.
You might as well give yourselves up.
We've got you surrounded.
I'll give you 30 seconds
to come out with your hands up.
Cooperate and you won't get hurt.
- Tony!
- Get away from me!
15 seconds.
I'm coming out!
- What's the matter, punk; Yellow;
- I ain't dying on your orders.
No;
You dirty louse!
Jacoby!
Listen to me, Jacoby!
This is me! Tony Preston!
I got news for you!
You ain't taking me in!
I live big!
You ain't taking me
to any crummy cell,
wear a gray suit with numbers!
I live big!
I'm gonna wear silk shirts
with the monograms on them!
Here's how I'll cooperate!
Tony...
You got what you deserved.
Because you're a lousy, rotten actor.
That's why.
That's a wrap!
About time!
Props, where did you get that mattress;
An Army surplus store or something;
Stars and directors aren't enough;
Trouble with bit players too.
A bit player is like any man.
If you prick us, do we not bleed;
I don't suppose you saw my production
of Twelfth Night;
What channel was it on;
I have props.
I ever tell you what Walter Kerr said
about my performance in Twelfth Night;
- Not for the last ten minutes.
- I deserve a thick mattress anyway.
They're postponing this show
till next fall.
Next fall; Who says;
I heard a very high level conversation.
They decided it's such a turkey,
they're freezing the tape
till Thanksgiving.
Think of all the needy families
it'll feed.
- Just what we need. Comedy relief.
- Yeah. Somebody send some in.
I write my own comedy material.
If you're so funny,
why always play heavies;
- Offbeat casting.
- Funny.
Coffee and therapy at Walgreens;
I can't. I got a soap tomorrow.
I haven't even looked at the script.
- Maybe that's better.
- I am a serious actor.
- Better you should be a star.
- Yeah, better.
It's a great honor to accept
this well-earned acting award.
- I thank all of the little people...
- I need that.
Rotten little people.
I won't let you do it, Marsha.
I won't let you ruin your life.
Leave me alone.
Your place is here, Marsha,
in Middlevale,
where people care about you.
Where...
Where...
Where love is real, not a game.
No wonder I couldn't remember that.
Where love is real, not a game.
I don't want to hear it.
I'm telling you the whole thing, Marsha,
the whole ugly thing.
I know the truth, Marsha.
I know who your father really is.
You're late.
I was beginning to worry.
Sorry for barging in here.
Somebody was following me.
Following you;
Who;
- I don't know.
- Hang on just a minute.
He's coming back.
Lousy fuzz.
I wish he'd come in here.
I'd like to make him dead.
- You know who he is;
- Eddie Shannon from the 11th Precinct.
- It's a cop;
- Quit your joking, Ace.
What's he following me for;
Maybe they got a tip.
Joe owns this building.
- They keep a lookout.
- Joe;
- Let's get outta here, Ace.
- I don't know how to tell you this.
- What;
- You'll be upset.
- How far were you followed;
- I turned around, there he was.
- I thought I was gonna get mugged.
- You really like to make jokes.
He didn't pick you up at the airport;
- There's been a mistake.
- He don't know you by sight;
That's possible.
What I'm trying to tell you...
Ace Williams getting mugged;
That's a good one.
Maybe that cop recognized you.
I better go make him dead.
- You don't need to.
- It's no trouble.
This whole thing is
some kinda crazy mix-up.
My name isn't Ace Williams.
I'm Jack Albany, an actor.
- I'm a member of SAG, AFTRA...
- We ain't got time.
Really. I just came
from taping a TV show.
A bomb. A Kiss for the Killer.
It's on April 2. Forget it.
I'm doing a soap opera tomorrow.
I've got a script.
I must have lost it.
That doesn't matter.
The point is,
you think I'm Ace Williams.
- What'd you say your name was;
- Jack Albany.
- Punk, didn't you ever hear of a cover;
- I heard.
Well, that's my cover.
Jack Albany, crummy actor.
Sure.
Let's go.
Like you said, Joe's waiting.
Right this way.
Look, I don't like somebody
holding a sticker on me.
I got a heat. I'm on the verge
of making you very dead.
So I put it away.
I didn't know what to do.
All that crazy talk.
I can't take no chances.
If it turns out that you wasn't Ace...
Old machine gun wound.
Well, this is it.
- I would have known it anywhere.
- Let's go.
Ace, hurry up. We're late.
What's your name, punk;
Florian.
Florian; Why'd they call a tough kid
like you a sissy name like Florian;
It's a tough name.
I'm out of weeds, punk.
Stop somewhere.
Not my brand. Don't we pass through
a town here or something;
I'd have to get off the parkway.
I'd lose ten minutes.
So do it.
Joe's gonna be pretty mad as it is.
I get nervous when I don't have a weed.
You save the coupons;
How do you think I got my knife;
It's really something.
Ace Williams getting mugged.
Wait till Joe hears about that one.
Sam, this is Ace Williams.
Joe's waiting for us.
Welcome, Ace.
Hi, Francis.
Ace Williams. Francis.
Pleasure.
I'll take your coat.
- The boss is anxious to meet you.
- I'm anxious to meet him.
He is very perturbed you're so late.
- I figured. Where is he;
- In the library.
He says for you to go right in.
Ace, your hat, please.
Thank you.
Francis used to be
Joe's personal bodyguard.
He got one too many raps on the head.
But Joe still keeps him around
for sentimental reasons.
Joe's a prince.
He is;
I mean, sure he is.
I don't know Joe too well. I can't
remember the last time I saw him.
You never did.
Joe told me that you never met before.
I actually never met him, but I
know him by reputation. Who doesn't;
Sure.
And everybody says the same.
Joe's a prince.
So this is the big killer man
from Frisco.
Frank Boley, this is Ace Williams.
He don't look so dangerous to me.
Some of your boys here in the East
a little short on manners, punk;
Maybe your friend
will like to teach me some.
Ask him when he wants me
to tear him apart.
Before I meet the boss or after;
Tell him it's no difference to me.
After. We're late and Joe's sore.
For the sake of the punk,
I'll defer the pleasure.
Likewise.
- Who's there;
- Florian. I've got Ace Williams.
Entre.
- How's that;
- Weak.
You're still too inhibited.
Look at all those little lines.
It's not good.
Let's try a little action painting
and loosen up a bit. Free yourself.
Look, can we take five;
I've got business.
All right, but that's part
of your problem. Divided attention.
I can't help it. I'm a busy man.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- I know you.
Were you in the army;
I was in the 65th artillery.
I have a very good memory.
- Ever work out at Stilwell's Gym;
- I'll remember.
Oh, what... no.
- Ace.
- Joe.
- You know my teacher;
- Never saw her before.
- You sure;
- I'd remember that one.
- I'm glad you could join us, Ace.
- My pleasure.
You're late!
- How's old Pepe;
- Well, you know old Pepe.
He gave you a very high recommendation.
When I told him I needed a first-class
boy who could kill quietly,
he said, Joe, they don't come
any quieter than Ace Williams.
Well, Pepe's too kind.
I'll admit, when I kill somebody,
even I don't know what happened.
Wipe your face.
I heard about that big run-in
you had with the treasury boys.
- I heard that.
- You were there.
Well, I heard you heard.
- You all right now;
- Yeah. I limp a little in the leg.
- I thought he got you in the shoulder.
- He did, yes.
It hit a nerve. Affected my leg.
- Florian, you get Ace's luggage inside;
- He didn't have no luggage.
All the way from the coast
and no luggage;
I left it at the warehouse.
There was a cop prowling outside.
The punk here gets nervous.
He pulled a shiv on me.
In the confusion, I left my suitcase.
You pulled a knife on Ace;
He was talking crazy.
Said he was an actor.
Come here.
He could have made you dead
in one second.
You'd be so surprised,
you'd forget to lay down.
Stop that bleeding. It's stupid.
It's all right.
It was just a couple of shirts.
All new. No laundry marks.
No identification.
Remember that, punk, for the future.
Clear out.
And tell Miss Inwood to come back.
I love that boy like he was my own son.
- How much did Pepe tell you;
- Well, not much.
Well, he don't know much.
Big one, Ace. Real big.
- I'll tell you after my lesson.
- Can't wait.
You'll find the rest of my associates
in the grand salon.
- Go ahead and introduce yourself.
- Thanks, Joe.
If it's all right with you,
I'll stay in here.
I'm hot for art. It isn't often
I see real talent at work.
- In a way, you're an artist yourself.
- Now, action painting.
Don't worry about form and composition.
- What's the matter;
- I'm just thinking. How do you start;
Don't think. Act.
That's the whole point.
Now.
- Go. Good. Here. Take a bigger brush.
- Yeah, yeah.
Fill the canvas.
Use the canvas.
Yes, that's it. How's that;
Want me to get that, boss;
No, thanks. It'll be for me.
Here. You can have them.
See what I mean; Divided attention.
You belong to Joe's organization,
sweetheart;
I head up the mob's fine arts division.
- You're putting me on.
- Am I;
How cozy are you with Joe;
I like your style, but he's the boss.
Before you go any further, hot stuff,
let me tell you something
out of pure generosity.
I have been living alone
in New York City for four years.
- I can take care of myself.
- I like a girl with spirit.
For the record, my relationship with
Mr. Smooth is strictly teacherlpupil.
My relationship with you is nothing.
That was Pepe. He wanted to know
if you got here all right.
Anybody with two eyes can see that.
He said keep you away
from booze and broads.
He said they put you
right out of your head.
- Shall we continue;
- All right. Let's see.
What do we do here;
That's better.
That's coming along very nicely.
Try it up in the left-hand corner.
Use the canvas now. Come on.
Round strokes. Round strokes.
- Let me get a little red in there.
- Broad strokes.
Little more in here. That's nice.
Why don't you try
round strokes, not this staccato thing.
Up. Clear up.
Use the whole canvas.
- Lovely.
- Yeah.
What's going on;
Who is that;
This is Ace Williams.
He has a switchboard;
Yeah, and an operator. I'm it.
I don't like somebody dialing in my ear.
Your voice is lovely.
Are you busy later;
You dirty, no good...
That's it! Love it!
- Love it.
- Love it, yes.
Caress it. Now, hate it!
Hate it.
- Violence. Get out your hostility.
- I hate you!
Hate you! Hate you!
Get out your hostilities.
That's good. Use this paint
right out of the tube. The raw paint.
Emotional!
Good.
- How about that;
- Beautiful.
Now, more action.
- Yeah, like that.
- More paint.
More paint;
It's beautiful.
It's a happening.
Happening.
Bravo. Bravo.
I think that's enough
for tonight.
You made some real progress.
I used to paint things
you could recognize.
You know, flowers, trees, waterfalls.
Now I do this stuff
and she swears it's progress.
You know what
we're trying to accomplish.
Someday we're going back
to flowers and trees.
And they'll be your flowers and trees.
Tell Florian Miss Inwood is ready to go.
Can I see you to the door, sweetheart;
Good night, Mr. Smooth.
Good night.
Guess I'm not her type.
A lot of people would be surprised
to find somebody like me
interested in art.
They got old-fashioned ideas
about people in our profession.
I've been all over Europe. Twice.
I stopped at the best hotels.
I ate the best food.
I bought art by the carload.
I know good things.
I was pretty tough when I was
a kid just starting out in Chicago.
But those were tough times.
I changed as times have changed.
Now, watch out! I'll rap your knuckles.
- No booze.
- It's just one little drink.
Pepe says one drink is all it takes.
You're like a maniac. No booze.
And no broads.
That's it.
You know what I am now, Ace;
An executive.
Yeah. Just like any other executive.
I sit behind a desk, sign papers,
give orders.
And I'll tell you something.
It's boring.
I'm not knocking the syndicate
after all it's done for me.
There's no excitement.
There's no romance.
That's why I planned
a very special trick.
For adventure, for romance.
I want to be remembered.
Well, as if you wouldn't be.
Yes, in some circles, but...
Dillinger, Capone, Buggs Moran.
Those are names the whole world knows.
They live on through
the deeds associated with them.
I want to make
a place in history for my name.
Posterity doesn't honor executives.
Hello.
- Little Tony's calling.
- In a minute.
- Go right ahead.
- Go ahead;
The grand salon.
I'll join you tout de suite.
Put him on.
Francis, please find Florian.
Tell him I'm tired of waiting.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Hi, Ace.
- Miss Inwood.
- You again.
- I am not who you think I am.
- No;
I'll help you with your coat.
I am a respectable citizen.
I'm masquerading.
- Just give me back my coat.
- I'm not a hood. I'm an intellectual.
Love is not love which alters
when it alteration finds.
Shakespeare. One of the sonnets.
Matisse, Picasso, Andy Warhol.
Are you insane
or do you take something;
- I need help.
- You sure do.
He bothering you, lady;
Listen to me, baby...
Not much.
Wow.
I'm ready. I didn't have any dinner.
Let's go, please.
It's getting very late.
What's the matter, killer man;
Need some help;
- What happened;
- He got fresh with the artist.
I should have killed her.
I'm glad you were able
to control yourself.
I'm paid up for three more lessons.
- Pepe was right about you and broads.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Move, dum-dum!
Why are you standing there;
Look out! They're moving in behind you!
- Blow! Make a run for it!
- Lousy cops!
They always get there at the wrong time.
Here comes that big hero
lieutenant again.
Let him have it!
Hey!
Take that, you dirty fuzz!
- Melanie, cut it off!
- Hi.
It's just gotten
to the good part.
Get up. Take it easy.
Off, Melanie!
I get carried away
with those crime shows.
- You're very high-strung.
- You certainly are.
Melanie, find something to do upstairs.
Go on. Make yourself scarce.
Beat it!
All right, men.
I'm sure that you've
all heard of Ace Williams.
Now, meet him.
Ace, this is Rinzy Tobreski.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Likewise.
Rinzy was my wheelman in
the Metropolitan Bank job back in 1935.
Put me in the big time.
Joe's never had anybody else
behind the wheel since then. Right;
- Over here, this is Bobby Macoon.
- We talked on the phone.
- Were you the one;
- Yeah.
What's this thing about;
I played a little joke on Bobby.
Right, Bobby;
Bobby used to be a fighter.
Pretty good, too.
Eight years in the ring.
Now he's my communications expert.
Still listening for the bell;
On your horse!
That a boy!
This is Cowboy Schaeffer.
- I'm proud to know you.
- Howdy, Cowboy.
Cowboy's from Vegas.
Fastest tommy gun in the west.
Shucks, Joe.
And this loudmouth...
This is Fingers Felton.
Felton and I go back a long way.
Over here, this is Frank Boley.
Boley's upcoming in your field.
Frank...
I want you to come over here
and shake hands with Ace.
I'd sooner kill him.
Don't let me tell you more than once.
I got a parlor trick.
In one second I make him dead
and catch him before he hits the floor.
When the time comes,
I'll make him dead myself.
Frank...
I want you to shake hands
with Ace Williams.
From now on,
treat him like a brother.
Last year,
I worked my brother over so bad...
Now, Frank!
That's better.
I'm not having any internal conflicts.
Besides, you ought to show some respect.
When Ace Williams kills somebody,
he stays killed.
He got sloppy.
Don't rub it in too hard.
He feels real bad about it.
All right, gents, let's get down
to business. Find places on the couch.
Rinzy, set up the screen.
- I been waiting for this.
- Back in business.
It's been a long time, Joe.
It's got to be the U.S. Mint
or Joe wouldn't bother.
- Maybe bigger.
- Wait till you hear.
Now, gentlemen.
You're here because I picked you.
I wanted the best.
First class for a first-class job.
Everything I've done before adds up
to nothing compared to this.
All right, Francis.
- Put out the lights.
- Yes, sir.
This is where we'll be working.
The Manhattan Museum of Art.
We're going to knock off a museum;
And this is what we're after.
Field of Sunflowers by Dubreau.
Your big trick is to break into a museum
and steal one lousy picture;
You're kidding.
I had fire in my hands
getting in shape.
One lousy picture.
I could carry it away.
If you'll shut your ignorant yaps,
I'll set you guys straight
on a few facts.
First, it's not a lousy picture.
It's a very fine picture,
a very famous picture
worth around 600 G's.
600 G's;
And second, it's 40 feet long.
A whole room.
So don't talk like you'll stick it
under your coat when nobody's looking.
If that picture is so famous,
how you going to unload it;
I'm not going to unload it.
I'm going to keep it.
When I go to my final rest,
and the world finds out
who took that picture,
my name will be famous.
After you've cashed in, you want people
to know you caught this picture;
In my will, I'm giving this picture
back to the museum.
And maybe a million extra
if they're willing
to change the name of the place.
The Leo Joseph Smooth
Memorial Museum.
Leo;
Don't make one crack.
Change the slide.
The museum bought Sunflowers
in Paris last month
and had it shipped to New York.
This room has been set up special.
Tomorrow night,
they're giving a reception
for the curator of the museum
to unveil the picture.
When do we grab it;
After the reception,
before the public ever gets to see it.
- Tomorrow night;
- Why the short notice;
Things have a way of getting out.
Many a prize trick has been spoiled
because of a leak.
You don't have to worry
about any of us.
You're right.
You aren't leaving this house
until tomorrow when we go to the museum.
- It ain't fair!
- I don't like that!
That's the way it is!
Instead of complaining,
I suggest you study the operation,
of which I worked out every detail.
Let's see the picture.
Now Field of Sunflowers is a triptych.
A what;
That means it was painted
in three sections.
So in order to move it,
we'll have to divide it.
Over here and over here.
Please, it won't happen again.
Don't tell Joe.
- Ace, put the lights on.
- Wait! You can't go in there!
What's going on;
I'd like another car and
driver to take me home.
- Something's wrong with the car;
- It's broken.
Broken; A new car.
Less than 1,000 miles and it's broken;
Quite possibly, it was not built
to withstand crashing into a tree.
Of course that's just an opinion.
I am not a mechanic.
- You rapped up the car;
- Well, she hit me.
I slapped him for the classic reason.
- All I did was...
- I know what you did.
The kid got out of hand. He's sorry.
It's no great disaster.
What are you always bleeding for;
Let me make something clear.
I come here as an art instructor only.
You don't have to worry.
- We have other cars. We'll just...
- The Sunflowers!
Oh, Francis...
I'll have someone else drive you home.
The Field of Sunflowers.
Why are you showing that here;
I shouldn't have to remind you
there are people who appreciate art.
These people;
There must be some other reason.
Boss, you want me
to drive her home;
I just happened to think
I don't have another car available.
You mind staying here tonight;
I'd rather not.
I have an appointment in the morning.
- How about the train;
- It's too late for the train.
Florian, you show Miss Inwood upstairs.
I really should get home.
Tomorrow maybe we'll get another lesson.
- Tomorrow I have...
- Now, tomorrow.
Keep your hands to yourself
or I'll take them away from you.
- Too bad she had to see that picture.
- She don't know what it's about.
Think she'll remember seeing it
when she hears about the museum
being knocked over;
She'll remember a lot of other things
I asked her about.
You're taking art lessons
because she knows about the museum.
I'm taking lessons from her
because she's a good teacher.
If I picked up a little information
on the side, that's well worth it.
- I got a bargain.
- Hey, Joe.
Why you fixed her up with a room;
You're gonna knock her off.
Don't be anxious.
She owes me a couple lessons.
If you let her live,
she'll shoot her mouth off.
Do I need you to tell me;
Let's get down to business.
At the reception, a catering service
is going to hand out
champagne and hors d'oeuvres.
After it's over,
they'll stay to clean up.
They and two guards will be
all the people left in the building.
Those caterers are going to be you.
How's it going to be, Joe;
We hijack the caterer's truck,
that's how.
The painting will leave
in the caterer's truck.
You'll be there
to tell us what to do;
You'll know what
to do before you leave.
I am attending the reception.
Miss Inwood got me an invitation.
- What about the guards;
- Well, they'll have to be killed.
Quietly.
Let's see the floor plan again.
Come over here, please.
One of the guards will stay close while
the caterers are in the kitchen.
Probably around here.
The other, that's going to be tougher.
He'll be making rounds.
He may be upstairs.
Maybe down. Maybe outside.
You take a look around.
When you find him,
you walk up with a tray of food,
compliments of the catering service.
He thanks you.
He relaxes, and then you kill him.
How do you figure you'll do it;
- Do what;
- Kill him.
Maybe a shiv at the base
of the medulla oblongata.
Or maybe I'll paralyze the clavichord.
All depends on how I feel at the time.
Medulla oblongata.
Well, in every art form,
there's an element of spontaneity.
I'm the first to appreciate that.
Get the plan in your mind, and remember,
you'll have to find the other guard.
And as for you...
you'll have to serve properly.
The people who come to this reception
will know the difference.
Food is all prepared.
All you have to do is get it out.
All right, Cowboy, you come along
with me and let's practice serving.
Ace!
You're sneaking booze.
No! Me;
Well, just a little one.
I'll let you cross me this time
because you're a special visitor,
but don't try crossing me again.
- No booze for Ace.
- And no broads.
Well, that's rough, Joe.
He gets tanked just smelling the cork.
Pepe warned me.
He don't look tanked.
Yeah.
How come he ain't tanked;
Hey, Cowboy, where's your horsey;
Watch them fingers, Fingers.
Everybody on stage for the lineup.
- Lousy lush!
- Now, hold it.
In his condition,
he's not responsible.
Francis, take him upstairs
to sleep it off.
I can take my own self upstairs.
I don't wish to be a burden to anyone.
Good night, James.
- Francis!
- Good night, Francis.
All right, all right.
- City Zoo. Sorry. The lion is busy.
- What are you doing;
- I'm dangerous.
- Look what you did here.
- Hello; Oh, hi, Lefty.
- I'm going to kill you so quiet...
You ain't going to do nothing
the shape you're in. Lefty;
- You asked for it.
- Go to bed!
Hello. Lefty; Yeah. I'm sorry.
We got trouble here.
Hi, boy. Nice boy.
What do you got to eat here;
To tell you the truth, I'm a little...
When you're a little... it's good
to take a little something to eat.
Care for some milk
with those dog biscuits;
Do I look like a milk drinker;
Good night.
Where's my room;
Straight upstairs and to the right.
Hey.
Where's that art teacher
hang her canvas;
I might want to take a lesson.
Turn left instead of right.
You're a sweetheart.
Miss Inwood.
- Miss Inwood.
- Who's there;
Wrong room.
- Mr. Williams!
- I made a mistake.
- A mistake;
- I'm sorry to bother you.
It's no bother. It's a pleasure.
Sit down and visit.
- Would you like a drink;
- No, thanks.
- What would you like;
- Nothing.
Try a little brandy with soda.
That's what Joe likes.
I should get back.
You can take time for one drink,
can't you;
It gets lonesome
around here sometimes.
Lonesome; In this place;
It's full of guys.
That bunch; They don't know anything
except the things they know about.
Except Joe, of course,
and he's busy all the time.
Have a seat.
When you've been in show business,
you miss that excitement all the time.
- You were in show business;
- I certainly was.
Are you interested in show business;
As a matter of fact...
Of course. Who isn't; It's universal.
What'd you do in show business;
That's you;
It certainly is.
It's probably the hair that threw you.
Autographed it to yourself.
They called us the Scandals on Ice.
I had two seasons in the chorus
and then a specialty. I'll show you.
See;
Melanie Marie.
Heat wave at the North Pole.
I was on the cover of Look,
me and two other girls. I'll show you.
Miss Marie,
could we do this later;
It has been so long
since anyone called me that.
- It's not my real name. I made it up.
- We weren't introduced.
I'm terribly sorry.
I'm Melanie Smooth.
- Melanie what;
- Smooth. I'm Joe's wife.
- Very nice talking to you, Mrs. Smooth.
- You haven't finished your drink.
Yeah.
All finished.
You should have seen how we looked
in The Arabian Nights.
- Did you ever see the Scandals;
- I never did.
Well, you really missed something.
It was gorgeous.
Big production numbers
and beautiful costumes.
And the finale.
I came down this winding staircase
in a fur cape ten yards long.
The lights dimmed.
The audience gasped as I took it off.
And then there I stand,
all in rhinestones.
- How many;
- That magazine cover's here somewhere.
Then the star came out on a sleigh
pulled by eight little chorus boys.
I might have been a star
if I stayed long enough.
I'll bet you would have.
You had to be real good to be a star.
Anyway, I gave it all up for Joe.
Well, they say marriages
and careers don't mix.
- That's true.
- What are you doing here;
Hey, Cowboy!
Joe told you to sleep it off.
You've been spying on me, old Cowboy.
- Are you hurt;
- He's drunk.
- He's drunk;
- Just look at him.
- Just look at me.
- I only gave him one drink.
Joe's going to be sore.
We won't tell him.
What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me;
Nobody tells me anything.
- Goodness!
- You're a nice lady.
- You remind me of my Aunt Gladys.
- I do;
She couldn't ice-skate,
but she was a sweetheart.
I brought your purse.
- You left it in the car.
- Thank you.
You certainly believe
in living up to your reputation.
Miss Smooth, Joe said to give
the teacher something to sleep in.
There.
Easy, boy.
She died, Cowboy.
It certainly does have an effect on him.
I'll help you to your bunk.
That little bit of sunshine
went away forever.
What are you talking about, Ace;
Who died;
My Aunt Gladys.
Well, we all got to go sometime.
- Only person who ever loved me.
- Now, pull yourself together.
I'd give anything
if I could see her again.
What happened to her;
She was making book in Oakland
and they caught her on the take
and dropped her in the bay.
That's rough.
I'll be all right now.
Get some rest.
We got a big job ahead of us.
Thanks a lot, Cowboy.
You're a good cowboy.
All right. All right.
- What on earth are you doing;
- Let me in, quick.
- Go away.
- No. Want me to fall and break my neck;
Would you;
That's a terrible thing to say.
Well, be insulted and go away.
- You don't understand.
- Don't you come in here.
Go see the lady next door.
You're more her type.
I'm not that type.
That's a pretty good imitation
you did in the hall.
That's just it. Excuse me.
- What are you doing;
- The dog.
It was an imitation.
I was playing a part.
I've been playing parts all night.
Pretending to be a drunk, a gangster.
If I was drunk,
could I balance on this ledge;
Maybe.
I'm a victim of circumstances,
just like you.
My name is Jack Albany. I'm an actor.
That's why you thought you knew me.
You've probably seen me on TV. Look.
I only watch documentaries.
Not only TV.
A couple of months ago, I did
Twelfth Night at the Phoenix Theater.
- You do know the Phoenix Theater.
- Yeah. I saw Twelfth Night.
- Then you remember me.
- No, I don't.
I played Malvolio.
Never...
Never was a man
thus wronged, but do not think me mad.
Oh, brother.
I have been laying here
in hideous darkness.
- Walter Kerr remembered me.
- Yeah;
I got a copy of the review.
He said that my Malvolio...
- Help.
- You really are insane.
Whatever you say. Just help me up.
I'm trying.
Here. Read for yourself.
Hide.
I haven't got any more.
I wouldn't hold out on you.
- Mr. Williams, you need some help;
- Nope.
Don't you worry. I've got you.
- This is very dangerous up here.
- It certainly is.
Shut up, Caesar!
- What's going on here;
- Hi, Joe, honey!
Melanie, disappear.
What are you doing;
Just out for a stroll in the fresh air.
Look out.
I ran into that lady
that reminds me of her.
- Remind you of who;
- Poor Aunt Gladys.
I suggest you get inside.
You're liable to find yourself
in a straitjacket.
That's what they did
to poor Aunt Gladys.
They didn't have to do that
when they dropped her in the bay.
She couldn't swim.
Ace, I need you tomorrow,
so I don't want you hurt.
You get hurt, I'll kill you.
- Now, go to bed.
- Good night, Joe.
See that he stays in his room
till he sleeps it off. Shut up, Caesar!
Yeah, shut up!
The things I have to put up with.
A lesser man would break down.
Hey, Ace. I hope you're feeling better.
Yeah. Better.
- I could use a couple aspirin.
- Why, certainly.
- You can keep the whole tin.
- Thanks.
Where's the boss;
- Busy.
- There's someone here to see him.
When the boss is busy, he's busy.
You better tell him.
He says he's Ace Williams.
I could use some water
with these aspirin.
- We have some water right...
- In a glass.
I'll be right back.
Uh-uh...
Joe wouldn't like that.
He wants you. Downstairs.
- What's up;
- You tell me.
- I don't like riddling, punk.
- Who's riddling;
You are. Riddling and grinning.
- I ain't doing nothing.
- You just keep doing that.
- You look in good shape.
- Nothing keeps me down for long.
- That's what I like to hear.
- I snap back like a whip.
Wish the trick was tonight.
I'm itching for some action.
Maybe we can arrange something.
Cowboy, how's it going;
Somebody here I'd like you to meet.
- Meet him or kill him, you name it.
- This is Ace Williams.
Who's he;
What's the matter;
He deaf or something;
Well, I'll try again.
Ace Williams, meet Ace Williams.
That's funny, Joe.
He arrived at the gate
a few minutes ago.
This is crazy.
You don't even look like me.
If they're bringing in a ringer,
get someone who looks the part.
- Who's they;
- Don't ask me. Ask the phony.
- Who's they;
- I don't know. Pepe told me to...
He knows about Pepe.
They're very thorough.
Who's they;
Phony, we got ways
of making you talk.
Is this a nuthouse;
I come East to do a job for Joe Smooth.
I come in blind because Pepe says
it's okay. This is what I get.
I've got a pair of Aces.
I've got to discard one.
You've got one Ace.
And a joker.
Look, phony.
You know Ace Williams' reputation;
You could get yourself
killed real quick.
That's right.
- Suppose you try it;
- It's up to you, boss.
Want me to make this joker dead;
Relax. Let's see if we can't do it
the easy way.
I'm suggesting the easy way.
You got some identification;
No, I ain't. I got rolled.
That's why I didn't make it
to the warehouse.
I got mixed up with this redhead.
She gave me a mickey
and took my wallet with $600.
I woke up in an alley.
I told better stories
in nursery school.
That's an insult
to Joe's intelligence.
Broads always was trouble for me.
Yeah. Pepe said so.
You got some I.D.;
Well;
I don't like lowering myself.
Be a lot more dignified
if you just let me kill him.
- Let him do that.
- Excuse me, Cowboy.
- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah;
- I got an idea.
- What idea;
You want to find out
which is the big killer, right;
Put them both in a room, lock the door,
and the one that comes out is him.
- Not bad.
- That's pretty corny.
Just show us the room
and let me at him.
Got style.
Reminds me of the old days.
There's always a chance
that neither one will come out.
Don't you count on it.
We'll do it. We'll use the library.
Shut up, you greasy little punk.
We want to keep this contest
absolutely fair and square,
so no weapons of any kind.
- Okay with you;
- Uh-huh.
Okay;
Lights on or off;
- Any preferences;
- Nope.
However we find the room,
that's the way it stays.
Off.
New Ace to the left.
Old Ace to the right.
Have a good game.
I'll be waiting outside
to see who comes out Ace high.
You know what I got a taste for;
Popcorn.
Yeah.
Mr. Williams;
Mr. Williams;
We're a couple of intelligent,
civilized men.
We don't have to settle
our differences like savages.
I'm sorry, Mr. Williams.
Why don't we just sit down
and talk this thing over;
If two men in a situation like this
can reach an accommodation, who knows;
Nations, too, can learn to reason
instead of fight.
Hi.
Yeah.
Perhaps from the seed of concord
we plant here tonight,
a great fruit-bearing tree will grow.
An umbrella of peace, spreading its
branches over the whole beautiful world.
An international brotherhood
of every race. You're going to kill me.
- What are you doing here;
- See if I killed him.
You didn't kill him.
- You're quite a girl.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
- It's an old machine gun wound.
It unnerved me.
You mind if I call you Sally;
When you guys came in, I was hiding.
I was trying to get to the telephone.
- Don't.
- What;
They got a switchboard.
You finally remembered seeing me
in Twelfth Night.
How did you know to hit him;
It was obvious which one
wasn't the professional killer.
An umbrella of peace...
- I did pretty good up to a point.
- I didn't mean to be critical.
- How did you get in this mess anyway;
- Mistaken identity.
I did a television show tonight.
On my way home...
How could you have seen Twelfth Night
and not remember me;
All of the critics raved.
Walter Kerr...
He's moving.
- He's not.
- I'm sorry.
I had to bring you down to Earth.
Joe and his friends are waiting.
You're going to have to be making
your triumphant reappearance.
Yeah. I can't leave you here alone.
That's very nice. Excuse me.
- There's a big dog out there.
- Caesar; He knows me.
There's a fence, too.
If you handle the dog,
I can climb the fence.
It's electrified.
What;
I was wearing a long wig.
That's why you didn't recognize me.
- He's moving.
- Stop.
- Really!
- He is;
- Where are you going;
- I'm hiding again.
When the coast is clear,
I'll go back to my room.
I'll be okay.
Listen, come see me later.
- Thank you.
- What for;
- For saving my life.
- I'd do that for any great actor.
- Thanks.
- Good luck.
- Who won;
- Look who's standing.
- I didn't hear nothing.
- That settles it.
You didn't even get rumpled.
How'd you do it;
Just an ordinary Australian neck clop.
He ain't dead.
What;
The neck clop disables.
It doesn't kill.
Why'd you want to use
that clop for;
If I kill him,
his mouth is sealed forever.
- Let it be sealed.
- Then you never find out who they is.
Yeah. That's good thinking.
Lock him in the cellar.
I'll tell you something. I knew
all the time you were the real Ace.
Get a good night's sleep.
We've got a big day tomorrow.
Night, Joe.
Hey, Pops. Joe's right.
You need your rest.
You wash your glasses.
You'll lose your license.
Have a good night's sleep, Cowboy.
I sleep better in the open, Rinzy.
600 G's for one picture.
Why don't we do some painting;
Can I get you
anything else, boss;
No thanks, Francis.
Better turn in.
Good night.
- Are you all right;
- I'm fine.
- Something very peculiar is happening.
- What;
I was down there worrying more
about you than about myself.
What does that mean;
- I don't know.
- Think I'm in love with you;
I've never been in love
with anyone before.
Except myself.
I've got goose bumps all over.
It's probably just a reaction
to my saving your life.
You're confusing love with gratitude.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe.
Why was Joe showing
that picture of the Sunflowers;
He's going to steal it tomorrow.
- At the reception;
- Afterwards.
We're going to impersonate
the catering service.
I have to kill two guards quietly.
I can't kill two guards quietly.
What am I going to do;
What's the schedule;
10:00 briefing in the morning
and after lunch is a dress rehearsal.
The guys hijacking the truck
leave at 3:00.
- Then the rest at 3:30.
- No one's going or coming before then;
There is no one going or coming
before then. Joe's playing it close.
- You know, you're beautiful.
- No.
- Yes, you are.
- My nose is wrong.
I like your nose.
It's too short and has no bridge.
I've done self-portraits.
How did you get mixed up
with Joe Smooth;
He came to an exhibit of my things
in a gallery in the Village.
He bought three paintings
and hired me.
- Didn't you know what he was;
- I didn't think much about it.
The money was good,
and a struggling artist can use money.
And I've never been
very much afraid of anything.
Of course I admit, I'm afraid now.
- We're both having new experiences.
- I guess it's all up to you.
With the electric fence,
guards, and the switchboard,
there's not much hope of our escaping.
But tomorrow when you get out...
- I'll be with Joe.
- You'll get word to somebody.
- No, I won't.
- If nowhere else, at the party.
- There'll be over 100 people.
- They'll be watching me.
They don't suspect you.
Just keep playing the part
of Ace Williams
as brilliantly as
you've done so far
and wait for
the right moment.
The thing is,
it's our only chance.
- I'll try.
- I know you will.
Will you be safe;
Yeah. I don't think Joe's going to worry
about me until tomorrow's done.
You and Ace Williams.
The real one's in the cellar.
- Our Ace in the hole.
- Let me do the bad jokes, please.
Sorry. You better go.
Sally, everything's going
to be all right.
Keep telling yourself that
till you believe it.
When you really believe it,
convince me, will you;
There's an entirely different approach
we could take of this.
- It's our last night.
- Say good night, Jack.
Night, Jack.
- Mr. Williams; I found it.
- What;
The Look magazine cover.
I put it in my scrapbook
so I could frame it.
Then I kept forgetting to go to the
frame shop. I never get to town anyway.
How are you;
You certainly were under the influence.
Oh, that, yeah.
I didn't notice
till you were on that ledge.
It's poison.
There was a boy like that
in the Scandals. A trick skater.
One day he tried to jump six barrels,
and he only made four of 'em.
In no time at all, he drunk
his career away. It was really sad.
Me. On the cover of Look.
- You didn't believe me.
- Sure I did.
A real celebrity.
Why, you're very nice.
- When you haven't been drinking.
- Thank you.
You're very sensitive.
You're not like them.
It's hard to believe
you're what you are.
Some people aren't what you think.
- Aren't we cozy;
- Get lost, Frank!
Didn't anybody mention
that she belongs to Joe;
- You think I'm a piece of property;
- Yeah. Stay away from her.
- I got rights.
- What rights; You're just a broad.
You got anything to say;
- How' would you like a fist;
- You wouldn't dare.
- Wouldn't I;
- No.
Yes, I...
All right.
Cowboy, you have
a tendency to lean on people.
Keep your distance. Try it again.
- Hors-dovers;
- Don't mind if I do.
Just a minute.
That word is hors d'oeuvre.
Never mind. Skip it.
Avoid the word.
In fact, don't talk
any more than you have to.
That's a good general rule.
And no hat.
- Bobby. Is that gum in your mouth;
- Yeah.
- No gum.
- No gum.
When the reception is over,
you take everything back into
the kitchen and start cleaning.
Frank, Florian,
you be the dishwashers.
Bobby and Cowboy,
you'll do the packing.
Now, it's your part, Ace.
Let's go through it.
- Boss, it is time for your ulcer pill.
- Yeah.
Just a minute. Stay right there.
You can be the guard.
- Yeah;
- I don't have to rehearse my action.
This is a dress rehearsal.
Everybody plays his part.
Francis, give Ace that tray.
That's it.
You ask him very friendly-like
if he wouldn't like some hors d'oeuvres.
Some hors d'oeuvres.
You put down the tray...
- What if he says no;
- He won't.
- I won't.
- Maybe he's not hungry.
He won't say no.
I promise.
Now, you ask him,
you put down the tray,
and then you kill him.
- I can't do it.
- What;
It's tough to fake a kill.
I might get carried away and do it.
That's how sincere I am.
Can you spare him;
I'll tell you what you do.
After you put down the tray,
put your hands in your pocket.
You move in on him,
figure out your stroke,
but don't actually do it.
- Okay;
- I'll try.
Good evening, Officer.
Thought you might like a snack.
Thank you. I'm hungry
at this particular moment.
That's fine.
Hey, Ace;
Joe, stop him!
- See what I mean;
- You're a real hotshot.
Don't forget to put on the electric.
Keep the home fires burning.
Right, boss.
- Do you believe in destiny, Ace;
- What;
I said, do you believe in destiny;
Yeah. Yes, I do.
So do I.
Every once in a while,
I feel like I have a date with destiny.
You do.
You know, we all do.
- I can remember...
- Sometimes it's hard to see
where you're going, but then you get
there and you say, \Of course.\
Like I said,
I can remember back in 1935
when I knocked over
the Metropolitan Bank...
I look at me right now.
Here I am on my way to help
the theft of a world-famous painting
in the company of a bunch of people
I didn't even know until last night.
Why; I mean, what's it all for;
- I hired you.
- I met someone, that's why.
Someone who's going to change my life.
Whatever's left of it.
Who;
You, Joe.
Don't you think
that will change my career;
Meeting one of the greats;
Seeing his mind at work.
Watching him lead his men.
- And an artist, too.
- Go on.
What are you going
to do with the teacher;
- The teacher;
- The art teacher.
Pretty sharp-looking broad.
I hate to put her out of business.
I kind of like her.
I'll bet she's a good teacher.
Good teachers are hard to come by.
I've learned about everything
she has to teach.
Wait till she sees Sunflowers
in the grand salon.
Know what she had
the nerve to tell me;
She told me all the art I ever
bought, in France, England, all places,
- she said it was junk.
- What does she know;
We'll see how she turns up her nose
at Sunflowers.
Right on the button.
Back where I started.
- Where are you going;
- I was thirsty. Maybe there's water.
Rinzy was great.
You should've seen how he ran them over.
Why stop with names. Give 'em
addresses and telephone numbers!
Oh, boss.
Get them into the storeroom.
- Come on. Down.
- Step down.
- Make it snappy.
- Come on. Let's go.
All right. You fellows start
getting into uniform.
Don't waste time. Make it as snappy
as you can. You too, Ace.
Here.
Time for you guys to show me
what kind of actors you are.
The winner of the second
race was Lorry Tiger,
Antores second, and
Rebel's Glory third.
Lorry Tiger ridden by Bellows,
paid $9.80, $5.00, and $3.60.
Antores paid $4.20 to place
and $3.60 to show.
Rebel's Glory paid $ 10.20.
And the daily double,
Dragon Fly to Lorry Tiger, paid $65.40.
Great Guns won the third, Henry's Fifth
was second and Uncle Thor ran third.
Great Guns paid $ 13.80, $5.80 and $4.20.
Henry's Fifth paid $4.60 and $3.20.
Uncle Thor paid $5.40.
The fourth race was won
by Ronald's Dream.
By Jiminy second and Eldergar...
...$4.80 and $3.20.
By Jiminy paid $8.20 and $4.40...
When the front or back cord light...
Hello. Hello.
Hello;
Help.
Hello;
Hey!
I was calling my roommate
to tell her I wouldn't be home.
Listen, lady, you better...
Listen, lady.
Lady, you're getting me mad!
The switch. Where's the switch;
Hey!
Hey, lady.
Lady!
Come on, lady!
Hey!
All those calories.
- Will you have something, Mr. Smooth;
- Un petit pate.
How can one resist;
Thank you, my good man.
Do go on, Mr. Smooth.
You were trying to describe
what Picasso means to you personally.
Here's another empty.
This bunch sure can eat.
Don't nobody feed them at home;
Need any help; I can handle it.
- The boss set it up.
- If you need help...
We do it the way we rehearsed it.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Excuse me.
Ladies and gentlemen,
move in, please.
Thank you. Move up here, please.
This is the moment you've waited for.
May I have your attention, please;
Beat it.
It is with great pride
that we present to you
our most recent and perhaps
our most important acquisition.
A modern masterpiece.
"Field of Sunflowers"
by Dubreau.
Beautiful.
- Magnificent, isn't it;
- Heroic.
I'm sorry to disturb you, sir.
The reception is over.
Yes, of course.
- We have to close the museum.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for coming, Mr...
- Smooth.
Leo Joseph Smooth.
- What's that for;
- Just in case.
- Just in case of what;
- Sometimes things go wrong.
You shoot that,
cops will come from three states.
I ain't got
an itchy trigger finger.
- Joe wouldn't want you...
- Relax. Relax.
Here. Do your stuff.
It's just in case.
Sir. Sir, my name is Jack Albany.
I am here ostensibly
to offer you some leftovers,
but I am not really
with the catering service.
Actually, I'm charged with killing you.
Don't turn around
and don't show any surprise.
I assure you I am not
going to kill anybody.
But just behind those kitchen doors...
Sir, there's a tommy gun
trained on us this very moment.
Sir;
Just my luck. A deaf guard. Sir...
Good work. I never heard a sound.
We'll go check the other guard.
Boys can go to work on that painting.
Come on, Ace. Time's a-wastin'.
No.
- What's got into you;
- I've had enough!
And enough is enough.
What's going on;
- Stay where you are.
- He's flipped.
- I got a heat.
- He's flipped or it's a double-cross.
- Everybody in that kitchen.
- You'll be sorry.
Move, or I'll let you have it.
I said move!
Get him!
Hold it! Florian and Fingers,
get on the painting.
Split up, and look out
for the other guard.
You take this side.
- Bobby;
- Yeah. What;
- You hear something;
- I don't know.
You see anything;
Statues all over the place.
It gives me the creeps.
What's that;
- Cowboy, he's over here!
- Where; Where;
This way.
Look who's here.
Help! Help! Bobby!
- Here!
- What are you doing in there;
I don't know. Get me out of here.
Bobby!
Saved. Help me. They're after me.
They're gonna kill me.
You got to get help.
What did I do; What;
Everything I touch, I kill.
I know you're in here somewhere.
I'm gonna find you, killer man.
Here's the big killer man.
Except you're not the big killer man.
Hold it. This arrow's tipped
with a deadly poison.
- You're funny.
- It won't be funny when I let go.
The real Ace is in the cellar at Joe's.
I'm the guy that put him there.
Think about that for a while.
Don't come another step.
I'm warning you.
That's impossible.
There he goes, Frank. After him.
They got to be kidding me.
Spread out.
Is that you, Cowboy;
What happened;
I just fell over a hot dog.
Yeah.
Sorry, pal.
Get him!
Just hold still, chicken.
I'm coming.
Somebody's gonna get hurt.
Get a hold of him, Bobby!
Bobby, hold on to him!
Wait till I get a hold of you!
Get away from me.
Gonna get you, killer man.
Help me! Help!
I'm getting dizzy.
There's no way out.
I got him.
You lost him, Bobby.
Cowboy, grab him!
Doggone you, Ace!
I can't get a hold of him!
- I can't stand heights.
- I'm gonna get you!
Come on, Frank.
Cut that out!
I get a hold of you,
I'm gonna squish you, Ace.
Can you get him;
I lost him.
Bobby, hold on to him!
I'm gonna get you
next time around, Ace!
Doggone it, hold still!
You might get hurt.
Grab him!
Take a hold of him, boy!
Get him out...
Hey, turn it off!
You're getting us all wet!
Look out!
Excuse me.
- There he is.
- All right.
My name's Jack Albany.
He's flipped his wig.
- He's crazy.
- Let's get him.
That's pretty good.
All right, boys. That's it.
Get your hands up.
- How'd it go, Ace;
- Great.
Let me see.
- There's one thing.
- What;
This picture isn't the one you ordered.
- What;
- Me and the boys got some better stuff.
- You and the boys;
- Yeah.
What are you,
suddenly art critics;
If you saw this,
you'd pick it over Sunflowers.
It's called Pop Art.
I send you for Sunflowers,
you get me junk.
That ain't like you, Joe.
Narrow-minded about art;
- I'll kill you!
- Don't make a move!
What's going on here;
Who are you;
What's the skunk
doing in my warehouse;
This is an invasion of privacy.
I've got constitutional rights.
C'est la guerre, Joe.
Let's clean this place out.
Jack.
You're all right!
I'm Chief Greyson, Mr. Albany.
Congratulations on a job well done.
- Thank you.
- Shake hands. I'll get a picture.
Yes, sir. Mighty fine performance.
Excuse me.
- I have to call my agent.
- What;
And get a publicist! You realize
what this could do to my career;
I'll sell the story and star in it.
Where's the phone;
Aren't you coming;
I need you.
You sure do.
This is Captain Jacoby speaking.
You might as well give yourselves up.
We've got you surrounded.
I'll give you 30 seconds
to come out with your hands up.
Cooperate and you won't get hurt.
- Tony!
- Get away from me!
15 seconds.
I'm coming out!
- What's the matter, punk; Yellow;
- I ain't dying on your orders.
No;
You dirty louse!
Jacoby!
Listen to me, Jacoby!
This is me! Tony Preston!
I got news for you!
You ain't taking me in!
I live big!
You ain't taking me
to any crummy cell,
wear a gray suit with numbers!
I live big!
I'm gonna wear silk shirts
with the monograms on them!
Here's how I'll cooperate!
Tony...
You got what you deserved.
Because you're a lousy, rotten actor.
That's why.
That's a wrap!
About time!
Props, where did you get that mattress;
An Army surplus store or something;
Stars and directors aren't enough;
Trouble with bit players too.
A bit player is like any man.
If you prick us, do we not bleed;
I don't suppose you saw my production
of Twelfth Night;
What channel was it on;
I have props.
I ever tell you what Walter Kerr said
about my performance in Twelfth Night;
- Not for the last ten minutes.
- I deserve a thick mattress anyway.
They're postponing this show
till next fall.
Next fall; Who says;
I heard a very high level conversation.
They decided it's such a turkey,
they're freezing the tape
till Thanksgiving.
Think of all the needy families
it'll feed.
- Just what we need. Comedy relief.
- Yeah. Somebody send some in.
I write my own comedy material.
If you're so funny,
why always play heavies;
- Offbeat casting.
- Funny.
Coffee and therapy at Walgreens;
I can't. I got a soap tomorrow.
I haven't even looked at the script.
- Maybe that's better.
- I am a serious actor.
- Better you should be a star.
- Yeah, better.
It's a great honor to accept
this well-earned acting award.
- I thank all of the little people...
- I need that.
Rotten little people.
I won't let you do it, Marsha.
I won't let you ruin your life.
Leave me alone.
Your place is here, Marsha,
in Middlevale,
where people care about you.
Where...
Where...
Where love is real, not a game.
No wonder I couldn't remember that.
Where love is real, not a game.
I don't want to hear it.
I'm telling you the whole thing, Marsha,
the whole ugly thing.
I know the truth, Marsha.
I know who your father really is.
You're late.
I was beginning to worry.
Sorry for barging in here.
Somebody was following me.
Following you;
Who;
- I don't know.
- Hang on just a minute.
He's coming back.
Lousy fuzz.
I wish he'd come in here.
I'd like to make him dead.
- You know who he is;
- Eddie Shannon from the 11th Precinct.
- It's a cop;
- Quit your joking, Ace.
What's he following me for;
Maybe they got a tip.
Joe owns this building.
- They keep a lookout.
- Joe;
- Let's get outta here, Ace.
- I don't know how to tell you this.
- What;
- You'll be upset.
- How far were you followed;
- I turned around, there he was.
- I thought I was gonna get mugged.
- You really like to make jokes.
He didn't pick you up at the airport;
- There's been a mistake.
- He don't know you by sight;
That's possible.
What I'm trying to tell you...
Ace Williams getting mugged;
That's a good one.
Maybe that cop recognized you.
I better go make him dead.
- You don't need to.
- It's no trouble.
This whole thing is
some kinda crazy mix-up.
My name isn't Ace Williams.
I'm Jack Albany, an actor.
- I'm a member of SAG, AFTRA...
- We ain't got time.
Really. I just came
from taping a TV show.
A bomb. A Kiss for the Killer.
It's on April 2. Forget it.
I'm doing a soap opera tomorrow.
I've got a script.
I must have lost it.
That doesn't matter.
The point is,
you think I'm Ace Williams.
- What'd you say your name was;
- Jack Albany.
- Punk, didn't you ever hear of a cover;
- I heard.
Well, that's my cover.
Jack Albany, crummy actor.
Sure.
Let's go.
Like you said, Joe's waiting.
Right this way.
Look, I don't like somebody
holding a sticker on me.
I got a heat. I'm on the verge
of making you very dead.
So I put it away.
I didn't know what to do.
All that crazy talk.
I can't take no chances.
If it turns out that you wasn't Ace...
Old machine gun wound.
Well, this is it.
- I would have known it anywhere.
- Let's go.
Ace, hurry up. We're late.
What's your name, punk;
Florian.
Florian; Why'd they call a tough kid
like you a sissy name like Florian;
It's a tough name.
I'm out of weeds, punk.
Stop somewhere.
Not my brand. Don't we pass through
a town here or something;
I'd have to get off the parkway.
I'd lose ten minutes.
So do it.
Joe's gonna be pretty mad as it is.
I get nervous when I don't have a weed.
You save the coupons;
How do you think I got my knife;
It's really something.
Ace Williams getting mugged.
Wait till Joe hears about that one.
Sam, this is Ace Williams.
Joe's waiting for us.
Welcome, Ace.
Hi, Francis.
Ace Williams. Francis.
Pleasure.
I'll take your coat.
- The boss is anxious to meet you.
- I'm anxious to meet him.
He is very perturbed you're so late.
- I figured. Where is he;
- In the library.
He says for you to go right in.
Ace, your hat, please.
Thank you.
Francis used to be
Joe's personal bodyguard.
He got one too many raps on the head.
But Joe still keeps him around
for sentimental reasons.
Joe's a prince.
He is;
I mean, sure he is.
I don't know Joe too well. I can't
remember the last time I saw him.
You never did.
Joe told me that you never met before.
I actually never met him, but I
know him by reputation. Who doesn't;
Sure.
And everybody says the same.
Joe's a prince.
So this is the big killer man
from Frisco.
Frank Boley, this is Ace Williams.
He don't look so dangerous to me.
Some of your boys here in the East
a little short on manners, punk;
Maybe your friend
will like to teach me some.
Ask him when he wants me
to tear him apart.
Before I meet the boss or after;
Tell him it's no difference to me.
After. We're late and Joe's sore.
For the sake of the punk,
I'll defer the pleasure.
Likewise.
- Who's there;
- Florian. I've got Ace Williams.
Entre.
- How's that;
- Weak.
You're still too inhibited.
Look at all those little lines.
It's not good.
Let's try a little action painting
and loosen up a bit. Free yourself.
Look, can we take five;
I've got business.
All right, but that's part
of your problem. Divided attention.
I can't help it. I'm a busy man.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- I know you.
Were you in the army;
I was in the 65th artillery.
I have a very good memory.
- Ever work out at Stilwell's Gym;
- I'll remember.
Oh, what... no.
- Ace.
- Joe.
- You know my teacher;
- Never saw her before.
- You sure;
- I'd remember that one.
- I'm glad you could join us, Ace.
- My pleasure.
You're late!
- How's old Pepe;
- Well, you know old Pepe.
He gave you a very high recommendation.
When I told him I needed a first-class
boy who could kill quietly,
he said, Joe, they don't come
any quieter than Ace Williams.
Well, Pepe's too kind.
I'll admit, when I kill somebody,
even I don't know what happened.
Wipe your face.
I heard about that big run-in
you had with the treasury boys.
- I heard that.
- You were there.
Well, I heard you heard.
- You all right now;
- Yeah. I limp a little in the leg.
- I thought he got you in the shoulder.
- He did, yes.
It hit a nerve. Affected my leg.
- Florian, you get Ace's luggage inside;
- He didn't have no luggage.
All the way from the coast
and no luggage;
I left it at the warehouse.
There was a cop prowling outside.
The punk here gets nervous.
He pulled a shiv on me.
In the confusion, I left my suitcase.
You pulled a knife on Ace;
He was talking crazy.
Said he was an actor.
Come here.
He could have made you dead
in one second.
You'd be so surprised,
you'd forget to lay down.
Stop that bleeding. It's stupid.
It's all right.
It was just a couple of shirts.
All new. No laundry marks.
No identification.
Remember that, punk, for the future.
Clear out.
And tell Miss Inwood to come back.
I love that boy like he was my own son.
- How much did Pepe tell you;
- Well, not much.
Well, he don't know much.
Big one, Ace. Real big.
- I'll tell you after my lesson.
- Can't wait.
You'll find the rest of my associates
in the grand salon.
- Go ahead and introduce yourself.
- Thanks, Joe.
If it's all right with you,
I'll stay in here.
I'm hot for art. It isn't often
I see real talent at work.
- In a way, you're an artist yourself.
- Now, action painting.
Don't worry about form and composition.
- What's the matter;
- I'm just thinking. How do you start;
Don't think. Act.
That's the whole point.
Now.
- Go. Good. Here. Take a bigger brush.
- Yeah, yeah.
Fill the canvas.
Use the canvas.
Yes, that's it. How's that;
Want me to get that, boss;
No, thanks. It'll be for me.
Here. You can have them.
See what I mean; Divided attention.
You belong to Joe's organization,
sweetheart;
I head up the mob's fine arts division.
- You're putting me on.
- Am I;
How cozy are you with Joe;
I like your style, but he's the boss.
Before you go any further, hot stuff,
let me tell you something
out of pure generosity.
I have been living alone
in New York City for four years.
- I can take care of myself.
- I like a girl with spirit.
For the record, my relationship with
Mr. Smooth is strictly teacherlpupil.
My relationship with you is nothing.
That was Pepe. He wanted to know
if you got here all right.
Anybody with two eyes can see that.
He said keep you away
from booze and broads.
He said they put you
right out of your head.
- Shall we continue;
- All right. Let's see.
What do we do here;
That's better.
That's coming along very nicely.
Try it up in the left-hand corner.
Use the canvas now. Come on.
Round strokes. Round strokes.
- Let me get a little red in there.
- Broad strokes.
Little more in here. That's nice.
Why don't you try
round strokes, not this staccato thing.
Up. Clear up.
Use the whole canvas.
- Lovely.
- Yeah.
What's going on;
Who is that;
This is Ace Williams.
He has a switchboard;
Yeah, and an operator. I'm it.
I don't like somebody dialing in my ear.
Your voice is lovely.
Are you busy later;
You dirty, no good...
That's it! Love it!
- Love it.
- Love it, yes.
Caress it. Now, hate it!
Hate it.
- Violence. Get out your hostility.
- I hate you!
Hate you! Hate you!
Get out your hostilities.
That's good. Use this paint
right out of the tube. The raw paint.
Emotional!
Good.
- How about that;
- Beautiful.
Now, more action.
- Yeah, like that.
- More paint.
More paint;
It's beautiful.
It's a happening.
Happening.
Bravo. Bravo.
I think that's enough
for tonight.
You made some real progress.
I used to paint things
you could recognize.
You know, flowers, trees, waterfalls.
Now I do this stuff
and she swears it's progress.
You know what
we're trying to accomplish.
Someday we're going back
to flowers and trees.
And they'll be your flowers and trees.
Tell Florian Miss Inwood is ready to go.
Can I see you to the door, sweetheart;
Good night, Mr. Smooth.
Good night.
Guess I'm not her type.
A lot of people would be surprised
to find somebody like me
interested in art.
They got old-fashioned ideas
about people in our profession.
I've been all over Europe. Twice.
I stopped at the best hotels.
I ate the best food.
I bought art by the carload.
I know good things.
I was pretty tough when I was
a kid just starting out in Chicago.
But those were tough times.
I changed as times have changed.
Now, watch out! I'll rap your knuckles.
- No booze.
- It's just one little drink.
Pepe says one drink is all it takes.
You're like a maniac. No booze.
And no broads.
That's it.
You know what I am now, Ace;
An executive.
Yeah. Just like any other executive.
I sit behind a desk, sign papers,
give orders.
And I'll tell you something.
It's boring.
I'm not knocking the syndicate
after all it's done for me.
There's no excitement.
There's no romance.
That's why I planned
a very special trick.
For adventure, for romance.
I want to be remembered.
Well, as if you wouldn't be.
Yes, in some circles, but...
Dillinger, Capone, Buggs Moran.
Those are names the whole world knows.
They live on through
the deeds associated with them.
I want to make
a place in history for my name.
Posterity doesn't honor executives.
Hello.
- Little Tony's calling.
- In a minute.
- Go right ahead.
- Go ahead;
The grand salon.
I'll join you tout de suite.
Put him on.
Francis, please find Florian.
Tell him I'm tired of waiting.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Hi, Ace.
- Miss Inwood.
- You again.
- I am not who you think I am.
- No;
I'll help you with your coat.
I am a respectable citizen.
I'm masquerading.
- Just give me back my coat.
- I'm not a hood. I'm an intellectual.
Love is not love which alters
when it alteration finds.
Shakespeare. One of the sonnets.
Matisse, Picasso, Andy Warhol.
Are you insane
or do you take something;
- I need help.
- You sure do.
He bothering you, lady;
Listen to me, baby...
Not much.
Wow.
I'm ready. I didn't have any dinner.
Let's go, please.
It's getting very late.
What's the matter, killer man;
Need some help;
- What happened;
- He got fresh with the artist.
I should have killed her.
I'm glad you were able
to control yourself.
I'm paid up for three more lessons.
- Pepe was right about you and broads.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Move, dum-dum!
Why are you standing there;
Look out! They're moving in behind you!
- Blow! Make a run for it!
- Lousy cops!
They always get there at the wrong time.
Here comes that big hero
lieutenant again.
Let him have it!
Hey!
Take that, you dirty fuzz!
- Melanie, cut it off!
- Hi.
It's just gotten
to the good part.
Get up. Take it easy.
Off, Melanie!
I get carried away
with those crime shows.
- You're very high-strung.
- You certainly are.
Melanie, find something to do upstairs.
Go on. Make yourself scarce.
Beat it!
All right, men.
I'm sure that you've
all heard of Ace Williams.
Now, meet him.
Ace, this is Rinzy Tobreski.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Likewise.
Rinzy was my wheelman in
the Metropolitan Bank job back in 1935.
Put me in the big time.
Joe's never had anybody else
behind the wheel since then. Right;
- Over here, this is Bobby Macoon.
- We talked on the phone.
- Were you the one;
- Yeah.
What's this thing about;
I played a little joke on Bobby.
Right, Bobby;
Bobby used to be a fighter.
Pretty good, too.
Eight years in the ring.
Now he's my communications expert.
Still listening for the bell;
On your horse!
That a boy!
This is Cowboy Schaeffer.
- I'm proud to know you.
- Howdy, Cowboy.
Cowboy's from Vegas.
Fastest tommy gun in the west.
Shucks, Joe.
And this loudmouth...
This is Fingers Felton.
Felton and I go back a long way.
Over here, this is Frank Boley.
Boley's upcoming in your field.
Frank...
I want you to come over here
and shake hands with Ace.
I'd sooner kill him.
Don't let me tell you more than once.
I got a parlor trick.
In one second I make him dead
and catch him before he hits the floor.
When the time comes,
I'll make him dead myself.
Frank...
I want you to shake hands
with Ace Williams.
From now on,
treat him like a brother.
Last year,
I worked my brother over so bad...
Now, Frank!
That's better.
I'm not having any internal conflicts.
Besides, you ought to show some respect.
When Ace Williams kills somebody,
he stays killed.
He got sloppy.
Don't rub it in too hard.
He feels real bad about it.
All right, gents, let's get down
to business. Find places on the couch.
Rinzy, set up the screen.
- I been waiting for this.
- Back in business.
It's been a long time, Joe.
It's got to be the U.S. Mint
or Joe wouldn't bother.
- Maybe bigger.
- Wait till you hear.
Now, gentlemen.
You're here because I picked you.
I wanted the best.
First class for a first-class job.
Everything I've done before adds up
to nothing compared to this.
All right, Francis.
- Put out the lights.
- Yes, sir.
This is where we'll be working.
The Manhattan Museum of Art.
We're going to knock off a museum;
And this is what we're after.
Field of Sunflowers by Dubreau.
Your big trick is to break into a museum
and steal one lousy picture;
You're kidding.
I had fire in my hands
getting in shape.
One lousy picture.
I could carry it away.
If you'll shut your ignorant yaps,
I'll set you guys straight
on a few facts.
First, it's not a lousy picture.
It's a very fine picture,
a very famous picture
worth around 600 G's.
600 G's;
And second, it's 40 feet long.
A whole room.
So don't talk like you'll stick it
under your coat when nobody's looking.
If that picture is so famous,
how you going to unload it;
I'm not going to unload it.
I'm going to keep it.
When I go to my final rest,
and the world finds out
who took that picture,
my name will be famous.
After you've cashed in, you want people
to know you caught this picture;
In my will, I'm giving this picture
back to the museum.
And maybe a million extra
if they're willing
to change the name of the place.
The Leo Joseph Smooth
Memorial Museum.
Leo;
Don't make one crack.
Change the slide.
The museum bought Sunflowers
in Paris last month
and had it shipped to New York.
This room has been set up special.
Tomorrow night,
they're giving a reception
for the curator of the museum
to unveil the picture.
When do we grab it;
After the reception,
before the public ever gets to see it.
- Tomorrow night;
- Why the short notice;
Things have a way of getting out.
Many a prize trick has been spoiled
because of a leak.
You don't have to worry
about any of us.
You're right.
You aren't leaving this house
until tomorrow when we go to the museum.
- It ain't fair!
- I don't like that!
That's the way it is!
Instead of complaining,
I suggest you study the operation,
of which I worked out every detail.
Let's see the picture.
Now Field of Sunflowers is a triptych.
A what;
That means it was painted
in three sections.
So in order to move it,
we'll have to divide it.
Over here and over here.
Please, it won't happen again.
Don't tell Joe.
- Ace, put the lights on.
- Wait! You can't go in there!
What's going on;
I'd like another car and
driver to take me home.
- Something's wrong with the car;
- It's broken.
Broken; A new car.
Less than 1,000 miles and it's broken;
Quite possibly, it was not built
to withstand crashing into a tree.
Of course that's just an opinion.
I am not a mechanic.
- You rapped up the car;
- Well, she hit me.
I slapped him for the classic reason.
- All I did was...
- I know what you did.
The kid got out of hand. He's sorry.
It's no great disaster.
What are you always bleeding for;
Let me make something clear.
I come here as an art instructor only.
You don't have to worry.
- We have other cars. We'll just...
- The Sunflowers!
Oh, Francis...
I'll have someone else drive you home.
The Field of Sunflowers.
Why are you showing that here;
I shouldn't have to remind you
there are people who appreciate art.
These people;
There must be some other reason.
Boss, you want me
to drive her home;
I just happened to think
I don't have another car available.
You mind staying here tonight;
I'd rather not.
I have an appointment in the morning.
- How about the train;
- It's too late for the train.
Florian, you show Miss Inwood upstairs.
I really should get home.
Tomorrow maybe we'll get another lesson.
- Tomorrow I have...
- Now, tomorrow.
Keep your hands to yourself
or I'll take them away from you.
- Too bad she had to see that picture.
- She don't know what it's about.
Think she'll remember seeing it
when she hears about the museum
being knocked over;
She'll remember a lot of other things
I asked her about.
You're taking art lessons
because she knows about the museum.
I'm taking lessons from her
because she's a good teacher.
If I picked up a little information
on the side, that's well worth it.
- I got a bargain.
- Hey, Joe.
Why you fixed her up with a room;
You're gonna knock her off.
Don't be anxious.
She owes me a couple lessons.
If you let her live,
she'll shoot her mouth off.
Do I need you to tell me;
Let's get down to business.
At the reception, a catering service
is going to hand out
champagne and hors d'oeuvres.
After it's over,
they'll stay to clean up.
They and two guards will be
all the people left in the building.
Those caterers are going to be you.
How's it going to be, Joe;
We hijack the caterer's truck,
that's how.
The painting will leave
in the caterer's truck.
You'll be there
to tell us what to do;
You'll know what
to do before you leave.
I am attending the reception.
Miss Inwood got me an invitation.
- What about the guards;
- Well, they'll have to be killed.
Quietly.
Let's see the floor plan again.
Come over here, please.
One of the guards will stay close while
the caterers are in the kitchen.
Probably around here.
The other, that's going to be tougher.
He'll be making rounds.
He may be upstairs.
Maybe down. Maybe outside.
You take a look around.
When you find him,
you walk up with a tray of food,
compliments of the catering service.
He thanks you.
He relaxes, and then you kill him.
How do you figure you'll do it;
- Do what;
- Kill him.
Maybe a shiv at the base
of the medulla oblongata.
Or maybe I'll paralyze the clavichord.
All depends on how I feel at the time.
Medulla oblongata.
Well, in every art form,
there's an element of spontaneity.
I'm the first to appreciate that.
Get the plan in your mind, and remember,
you'll have to find the other guard.
And as for you...
you'll have to serve properly.
The people who come to this reception
will know the difference.
Food is all prepared.
All you have to do is get it out.
All right, Cowboy, you come along
with me and let's practice serving.
Ace!
You're sneaking booze.
No! Me;
Well, just a little one.
I'll let you cross me this time
because you're a special visitor,
but don't try crossing me again.
- No booze for Ace.
- And no broads.
Well, that's rough, Joe.
He gets tanked just smelling the cork.
Pepe warned me.
He don't look tanked.
Yeah.
How come he ain't tanked;
Hey, Cowboy, where's your horsey;
Watch them fingers, Fingers.
Everybody on stage for the lineup.
- Lousy lush!
- Now, hold it.
In his condition,
he's not responsible.
Francis, take him upstairs
to sleep it off.
I can take my own self upstairs.
I don't wish to be a burden to anyone.
Good night, James.
- Francis!
- Good night, Francis.
All right, all right.
- City Zoo. Sorry. The lion is busy.
- What are you doing;
- I'm dangerous.
- Look what you did here.
- Hello; Oh, hi, Lefty.
- I'm going to kill you so quiet...
You ain't going to do nothing
the shape you're in. Lefty;
- You asked for it.
- Go to bed!
Hello. Lefty; Yeah. I'm sorry.
We got trouble here.
Hi, boy. Nice boy.
What do you got to eat here;
To tell you the truth, I'm a little...
When you're a little... it's good
to take a little something to eat.
Care for some milk
with those dog biscuits;
Do I look like a milk drinker;
Good night.
Where's my room;
Straight upstairs and to the right.
Hey.
Where's that art teacher
hang her canvas;
I might want to take a lesson.
Turn left instead of right.
You're a sweetheart.
Miss Inwood.
- Miss Inwood.
- Who's there;
Wrong room.
- Mr. Williams!
- I made a mistake.
- A mistake;
- I'm sorry to bother you.
It's no bother. It's a pleasure.
Sit down and visit.
- Would you like a drink;
- No, thanks.
- What would you like;
- Nothing.
Try a little brandy with soda.
That's what Joe likes.
I should get back.
You can take time for one drink,
can't you;
It gets lonesome
around here sometimes.
Lonesome; In this place;
It's full of guys.
That bunch; They don't know anything
except the things they know about.
Except Joe, of course,
and he's busy all the time.
Have a seat.
When you've been in show business,
you miss that excitement all the time.
- You were in show business;
- I certainly was.
Are you interested in show business;
As a matter of fact...
Of course. Who isn't; It's universal.
What'd you do in show business;
That's you;
It certainly is.
It's probably the hair that threw you.
Autographed it to yourself.
They called us the Scandals on Ice.
I had two seasons in the chorus
and then a specialty. I'll show you.
See;
Melanie Marie.
Heat wave at the North Pole.
I was on the cover of Look,
me and two other girls. I'll show you.
Miss Marie,
could we do this later;
It has been so long
since anyone called me that.
- It's not my real name. I made it up.
- We weren't introduced.
I'm terribly sorry.
I'm Melanie Smooth.
- Melanie what;
- Smooth. I'm Joe's wife.
- Very nice talking to you, Mrs. Smooth.
- You haven't finished your drink.
Yeah.
All finished.
You should have seen how we looked
in The Arabian Nights.
- Did you ever see the Scandals;
- I never did.
Well, you really missed something.
It was gorgeous.
Big production numbers
and beautiful costumes.
And the finale.
I came down this winding staircase
in a fur cape ten yards long.
The lights dimmed.
The audience gasped as I took it off.
And then there I stand,
all in rhinestones.
- How many;
- That magazine cover's here somewhere.
Then the star came out on a sleigh
pulled by eight little chorus boys.
I might have been a star
if I stayed long enough.
I'll bet you would have.
You had to be real good to be a star.
Anyway, I gave it all up for Joe.
Well, they say marriages
and careers don't mix.
- That's true.
- What are you doing here;
Hey, Cowboy!
Joe told you to sleep it off.
You've been spying on me, old Cowboy.
- Are you hurt;
- He's drunk.
- He's drunk;
- Just look at him.
- Just look at me.
- I only gave him one drink.
Joe's going to be sore.
We won't tell him.
What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me;
Nobody tells me anything.
- Goodness!
- You're a nice lady.
- You remind me of my Aunt Gladys.
- I do;
She couldn't ice-skate,
but she was a sweetheart.
I brought your purse.
- You left it in the car.
- Thank you.
You certainly believe
in living up to your reputation.
Miss Smooth, Joe said to give
the teacher something to sleep in.
There.
Easy, boy.
She died, Cowboy.
It certainly does have an effect on him.
I'll help you to your bunk.
That little bit of sunshine
went away forever.
What are you talking about, Ace;
Who died;
My Aunt Gladys.
Well, we all got to go sometime.
- Only person who ever loved me.
- Now, pull yourself together.
I'd give anything
if I could see her again.
What happened to her;
She was making book in Oakland
and they caught her on the take
and dropped her in the bay.
That's rough.
I'll be all right now.
Get some rest.
We got a big job ahead of us.
Thanks a lot, Cowboy.
You're a good cowboy.
All right. All right.
- What on earth are you doing;
- Let me in, quick.
- Go away.
- No. Want me to fall and break my neck;
Would you;
That's a terrible thing to say.
Well, be insulted and go away.
- You don't understand.
- Don't you come in here.
Go see the lady next door.
You're more her type.
I'm not that type.
That's a pretty good imitation
you did in the hall.
That's just it. Excuse me.
- What are you doing;
- The dog.
It was an imitation.
I was playing a part.
I've been playing parts all night.
Pretending to be a drunk, a gangster.
If I was drunk,
could I balance on this ledge;
Maybe.
I'm a victim of circumstances,
just like you.
My name is Jack Albany. I'm an actor.
That's why you thought you knew me.
You've probably seen me on TV. Look.
I only watch documentaries.
Not only TV.
A couple of months ago, I did
Twelfth Night at the Phoenix Theater.
- You do know the Phoenix Theater.
- Yeah. I saw Twelfth Night.
- Then you remember me.
- No, I don't.
I played Malvolio.
Never...
Never was a man
thus wronged, but do not think me mad.
Oh, brother.
I have been laying here
in hideous darkness.
- Walter Kerr remembered me.
- Yeah;
I got a copy of the review.
He said that my Malvolio...
- Help.
- You really are insane.
Whatever you say. Just help me up.
I'm trying.
Here. Read for yourself.
Hide.
I haven't got any more.
I wouldn't hold out on you.
- Mr. Williams, you need some help;
- Nope.
Don't you worry. I've got you.
- This is very dangerous up here.
- It certainly is.
Shut up, Caesar!
- What's going on here;
- Hi, Joe, honey!
Melanie, disappear.
What are you doing;
Just out for a stroll in the fresh air.
Look out.
I ran into that lady
that reminds me of her.
- Remind you of who;
- Poor Aunt Gladys.
I suggest you get inside.
You're liable to find yourself
in a straitjacket.
That's what they did
to poor Aunt Gladys.
They didn't have to do that
when they dropped her in the bay.
She couldn't swim.
Ace, I need you tomorrow,
so I don't want you hurt.
You get hurt, I'll kill you.
- Now, go to bed.
- Good night, Joe.
See that he stays in his room
till he sleeps it off. Shut up, Caesar!
Yeah, shut up!
The things I have to put up with.
A lesser man would break down.
Hey, Ace. I hope you're feeling better.
Yeah. Better.
- I could use a couple aspirin.
- Why, certainly.
- You can keep the whole tin.
- Thanks.
Where's the boss;
- Busy.
- There's someone here to see him.
When the boss is busy, he's busy.
You better tell him.
He says he's Ace Williams.
I could use some water
with these aspirin.
- We have some water right...
- In a glass.
I'll be right back.
Uh-uh...
Joe wouldn't like that.
He wants you. Downstairs.
- What's up;
- You tell me.
- I don't like riddling, punk.
- Who's riddling;
You are. Riddling and grinning.
- I ain't doing nothing.
- You just keep doing that.
- You look in good shape.
- Nothing keeps me down for long.
- That's what I like to hear.
- I snap back like a whip.
Wish the trick was tonight.
I'm itching for some action.
Maybe we can arrange something.
Cowboy, how's it going;
Somebody here I'd like you to meet.
- Meet him or kill him, you name it.
- This is Ace Williams.
Who's he;
What's the matter;
He deaf or something;
Well, I'll try again.
Ace Williams, meet Ace Williams.
That's funny, Joe.
He arrived at the gate
a few minutes ago.
This is crazy.
You don't even look like me.
If they're bringing in a ringer,
get someone who looks the part.
- Who's they;
- Don't ask me. Ask the phony.
- Who's they;
- I don't know. Pepe told me to...
He knows about Pepe.
They're very thorough.
Who's they;
Phony, we got ways
of making you talk.
Is this a nuthouse;
I come East to do a job for Joe Smooth.
I come in blind because Pepe says
it's okay. This is what I get.
I've got a pair of Aces.
I've got to discard one.
You've got one Ace.
And a joker.
Look, phony.
You know Ace Williams' reputation;
You could get yourself
killed real quick.
That's right.
- Suppose you try it;
- It's up to you, boss.
Want me to make this joker dead;
Relax. Let's see if we can't do it
the easy way.
I'm suggesting the easy way.
You got some identification;
No, I ain't. I got rolled.
That's why I didn't make it
to the warehouse.
I got mixed up with this redhead.
She gave me a mickey
and took my wallet with $600.
I woke up in an alley.
I told better stories
in nursery school.
That's an insult
to Joe's intelligence.
Broads always was trouble for me.
Yeah. Pepe said so.
You got some I.D.;
Well;
I don't like lowering myself.
Be a lot more dignified
if you just let me kill him.
- Let him do that.
- Excuse me, Cowboy.
- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah;
- I got an idea.
- What idea;
You want to find out
which is the big killer, right;
Put them both in a room, lock the door,
and the one that comes out is him.
- Not bad.
- That's pretty corny.
Just show us the room
and let me at him.
Got style.
Reminds me of the old days.
There's always a chance
that neither one will come out.
Don't you count on it.
We'll do it. We'll use the library.
Shut up, you greasy little punk.
We want to keep this contest
absolutely fair and square,
so no weapons of any kind.
- Okay with you;
- Uh-huh.
Okay;
Lights on or off;
- Any preferences;
- Nope.
However we find the room,
that's the way it stays.
Off.
New Ace to the left.
Old Ace to the right.
Have a good game.
I'll be waiting outside
to see who comes out Ace high.
You know what I got a taste for;
Popcorn.
Yeah.
Mr. Williams;
Mr. Williams;
We're a couple of intelligent,
civilized men.
We don't have to settle
our differences like savages.
I'm sorry, Mr. Williams.
Why don't we just sit down
and talk this thing over;
If two men in a situation like this
can reach an accommodation, who knows;
Nations, too, can learn to reason
instead of fight.
Hi.
Yeah.
Perhaps from the seed of concord
we plant here tonight,
a great fruit-bearing tree will grow.
An umbrella of peace, spreading its
branches over the whole beautiful world.
An international brotherhood
of every race. You're going to kill me.
- What are you doing here;
- See if I killed him.
You didn't kill him.
- You're quite a girl.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
- It's an old machine gun wound.
It unnerved me.
You mind if I call you Sally;
When you guys came in, I was hiding.
I was trying to get to the telephone.
- Don't.
- What;
They got a switchboard.
You finally remembered seeing me
in Twelfth Night.
How did you know to hit him;
It was obvious which one
wasn't the professional killer.
An umbrella of peace...
- I did pretty good up to a point.
- I didn't mean to be critical.
- How did you get in this mess anyway;
- Mistaken identity.
I did a television show tonight.
On my way home...
How could you have seen Twelfth Night
and not remember me;
All of the critics raved.
Walter Kerr...
He's moving.
- He's not.
- I'm sorry.
I had to bring you down to Earth.
Joe and his friends are waiting.
You're going to have to be making
your triumphant reappearance.
Yeah. I can't leave you here alone.
That's very nice. Excuse me.
- There's a big dog out there.
- Caesar; He knows me.
There's a fence, too.
If you handle the dog,
I can climb the fence.
It's electrified.
What;
I was wearing a long wig.
That's why you didn't recognize me.
- He's moving.
- Stop.
- Really!
- He is;
- Where are you going;
- I'm hiding again.
When the coast is clear,
I'll go back to my room.
I'll be okay.
Listen, come see me later.
- Thank you.
- What for;
- For saving my life.
- I'd do that for any great actor.
- Thanks.
- Good luck.
- Who won;
- Look who's standing.
- I didn't hear nothing.
- That settles it.
You didn't even get rumpled.
How'd you do it;
Just an ordinary Australian neck clop.
He ain't dead.
What;
The neck clop disables.
It doesn't kill.
Why'd you want to use
that clop for;
If I kill him,
his mouth is sealed forever.
- Let it be sealed.
- Then you never find out who they is.
Yeah. That's good thinking.
Lock him in the cellar.
I'll tell you something. I knew
all the time you were the real Ace.
Get a good night's sleep.
We've got a big day tomorrow.
Night, Joe.
Hey, Pops. Joe's right.
You need your rest.
You wash your glasses.
You'll lose your license.
Have a good night's sleep, Cowboy.
I sleep better in the open, Rinzy.
600 G's for one picture.
Why don't we do some painting;
Can I get you
anything else, boss;
No thanks, Francis.
Better turn in.
Good night.
- Are you all right;
- I'm fine.
- Something very peculiar is happening.
- What;
I was down there worrying more
about you than about myself.
What does that mean;
- I don't know.
- Think I'm in love with you;
I've never been in love
with anyone before.
Except myself.
I've got goose bumps all over.
It's probably just a reaction
to my saving your life.
You're confusing love with gratitude.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe.
Why was Joe showing
that picture of the Sunflowers;
He's going to steal it tomorrow.
- At the reception;
- Afterwards.
We're going to impersonate
the catering service.
I have to kill two guards quietly.
I can't kill two guards quietly.
What am I going to do;
What's the schedule;
10:00 briefing in the morning
and after lunch is a dress rehearsal.
The guys hijacking the truck
leave at 3:00.
- Then the rest at 3:30.
- No one's going or coming before then;
There is no one going or coming
before then. Joe's playing it close.
- You know, you're beautiful.
- No.
- Yes, you are.
- My nose is wrong.
I like your nose.
It's too short and has no bridge.
I've done self-portraits.
How did you get mixed up
with Joe Smooth;
He came to an exhibit of my things
in a gallery in the Village.
He bought three paintings
and hired me.
- Didn't you know what he was;
- I didn't think much about it.
The money was good,
and a struggling artist can use money.
And I've never been
very much afraid of anything.
Of course I admit, I'm afraid now.
- We're both having new experiences.
- I guess it's all up to you.
With the electric fence,
guards, and the switchboard,
there's not much hope of our escaping.
But tomorrow when you get out...
- I'll be with Joe.
- You'll get word to somebody.
- No, I won't.
- If nowhere else, at the party.
- There'll be over 100 people.
- They'll be watching me.
They don't suspect you.
Just keep playing the part
of Ace Williams
as brilliantly as
you've done so far
and wait for
the right moment.
The thing is,
it's our only chance.
- I'll try.
- I know you will.
Will you be safe;
Yeah. I don't think Joe's going to worry
about me until tomorrow's done.
You and Ace Williams.
The real one's in the cellar.
- Our Ace in the hole.
- Let me do the bad jokes, please.
Sorry. You better go.
Sally, everything's going
to be all right.
Keep telling yourself that
till you believe it.
When you really believe it,
convince me, will you;
There's an entirely different approach
we could take of this.
- It's our last night.
- Say good night, Jack.
Night, Jack.
- Mr. Williams; I found it.
- What;
The Look magazine cover.
I put it in my scrapbook
so I could frame it.
Then I kept forgetting to go to the
frame shop. I never get to town anyway.
How are you;
You certainly were under the influence.
Oh, that, yeah.
I didn't notice
till you were on that ledge.
It's poison.
There was a boy like that
in the Scandals. A trick skater.
One day he tried to jump six barrels,
and he only made four of 'em.
In no time at all, he drunk
his career away. It was really sad.
Me. On the cover of Look.
- You didn't believe me.
- Sure I did.
A real celebrity.
Why, you're very nice.
- When you haven't been drinking.
- Thank you.
You're very sensitive.
You're not like them.
It's hard to believe
you're what you are.
Some people aren't what you think.
- Aren't we cozy;
- Get lost, Frank!
Didn't anybody mention
that she belongs to Joe;
- You think I'm a piece of property;
- Yeah. Stay away from her.
- I got rights.
- What rights; You're just a broad.
You got anything to say;
- How' would you like a fist;
- You wouldn't dare.
- Wouldn't I;
- No.
Yes, I...
All right.
Cowboy, you have
a tendency to lean on people.
Keep your distance. Try it again.
- Hors-dovers;
- Don't mind if I do.
Just a minute.
That word is hors d'oeuvre.
Never mind. Skip it.
Avoid the word.
In fact, don't talk
any more than you have to.
That's a good general rule.
And no hat.
- Bobby. Is that gum in your mouth;
- Yeah.
- No gum.
- No gum.
When the reception is over,
you take everything back into
the kitchen and start cleaning.
Frank, Florian,
you be the dishwashers.
Bobby and Cowboy,
you'll do the packing.
Now, it's your part, Ace.
Let's go through it.
- Boss, it is time for your ulcer pill.
- Yeah.
Just a minute. Stay right there.
You can be the guard.
- Yeah;
- I don't have to rehearse my action.
This is a dress rehearsal.
Everybody plays his part.
Francis, give Ace that tray.
That's it.
You ask him very friendly-like
if he wouldn't like some hors d'oeuvres.
Some hors d'oeuvres.
You put down the tray...
- What if he says no;
- He won't.
- I won't.
- Maybe he's not hungry.
He won't say no.
I promise.
Now, you ask him,
you put down the tray,
and then you kill him.
- I can't do it.
- What;
It's tough to fake a kill.
I might get carried away and do it.
That's how sincere I am.
Can you spare him;
I'll tell you what you do.
After you put down the tray,
put your hands in your pocket.
You move in on him,
figure out your stroke,
but don't actually do it.
- Okay;
- I'll try.
Good evening, Officer.
Thought you might like a snack.
Thank you. I'm hungry
at this particular moment.
That's fine.
Hey, Ace;
Joe, stop him!
- See what I mean;
- You're a real hotshot.
Don't forget to put on the electric.
Keep the home fires burning.
Right, boss.
- Do you believe in destiny, Ace;
- What;
I said, do you believe in destiny;
Yeah. Yes, I do.
So do I.
Every once in a while,
I feel like I have a date with destiny.
You do.
You know, we all do.
- I can remember...
- Sometimes it's hard to see
where you're going, but then you get
there and you say, \Of course.\
Like I said,
I can remember back in 1935
when I knocked over
the Metropolitan Bank...
I look at me right now.
Here I am on my way to help
the theft of a world-famous painting
in the company of a bunch of people
I didn't even know until last night.
Why; I mean, what's it all for;
- I hired you.
- I met someone, that's why.
Someone who's going to change my life.
Whatever's left of it.
Who;
You, Joe.
Don't you think
that will change my career;
Meeting one of the greats;
Seeing his mind at work.
Watching him lead his men.
- And an artist, too.
- Go on.
What are you going
to do with the teacher;
- The teacher;
- The art teacher.
Pretty sharp-looking broad.
I hate to put her out of business.
I kind of like her.
I'll bet she's a good teacher.
Good teachers are hard to come by.
I've learned about everything
she has to teach.
Wait till she sees Sunflowers
in the grand salon.
Know what she had
the nerve to tell me;
She told me all the art I ever
bought, in France, England, all places,
- she said it was junk.
- What does she know;
We'll see how she turns up her nose
at Sunflowers.
Right on the button.
Back where I started.
- Where are you going;
- I was thirsty. Maybe there's water.
Rinzy was great.
You should've seen how he ran them over.
Why stop with names. Give 'em
addresses and telephone numbers!
Oh, boss.
Get them into the storeroom.
- Come on. Down.
- Step down.
- Make it snappy.
- Come on. Let's go.
All right. You fellows start
getting into uniform.
Don't waste time. Make it as snappy
as you can. You too, Ace.
Here.
Time for you guys to show me
what kind of actors you are.
The winner of the second
race was Lorry Tiger,
Antores second, and
Rebel's Glory third.
Lorry Tiger ridden by Bellows,
paid $9.80, $5.00, and $3.60.
Antores paid $4.20 to place
and $3.60 to show.
Rebel's Glory paid $ 10.20.
And the daily double,
Dragon Fly to Lorry Tiger, paid $65.40.
Great Guns won the third, Henry's Fifth
was second and Uncle Thor ran third.
Great Guns paid $ 13.80, $5.80 and $4.20.
Henry's Fifth paid $4.60 and $3.20.
Uncle Thor paid $5.40.
The fourth race was won
by Ronald's Dream.
By Jiminy second and Eldergar...
...$4.80 and $3.20.
By Jiminy paid $8.20 and $4.40...
When the front or back cord light...
Hello. Hello.
Hello;
Help.
Hello;
Hey!
I was calling my roommate
to tell her I wouldn't be home.
Listen, lady, you better...
Listen, lady.
Lady, you're getting me mad!
The switch. Where's the switch;
Hey!
Hey, lady.
Lady!
Come on, lady!
Hey!
All those calories.
- Will you have something, Mr. Smooth;
- Un petit pate.
How can one resist;
Thank you, my good man.
Do go on, Mr. Smooth.
You were trying to describe
what Picasso means to you personally.
Here's another empty.
This bunch sure can eat.
Don't nobody feed them at home;
Need any help; I can handle it.
- The boss set it up.
- If you need help...
We do it the way we rehearsed it.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Excuse me.
Ladies and gentlemen,
move in, please.
Thank you. Move up here, please.
This is the moment you've waited for.
May I have your attention, please;
Beat it.
It is with great pride
that we present to you
our most recent and perhaps
our most important acquisition.
A modern masterpiece.
"Field of Sunflowers"
by Dubreau.
Beautiful.
- Magnificent, isn't it;
- Heroic.
I'm sorry to disturb you, sir.
The reception is over.
Yes, of course.
- We have to close the museum.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for coming, Mr...
- Smooth.
Leo Joseph Smooth.
- What's that for;
- Just in case.
- Just in case of what;
- Sometimes things go wrong.
You shoot that,
cops will come from three states.
I ain't got
an itchy trigger finger.
- Joe wouldn't want you...
- Relax. Relax.
Here. Do your stuff.
It's just in case.
Sir. Sir, my name is Jack Albany.
I am here ostensibly
to offer you some leftovers,
but I am not really
with the catering service.
Actually, I'm charged with killing you.
Don't turn around
and don't show any surprise.
I assure you I am not
going to kill anybody.
But just behind those kitchen doors...
Sir, there's a tommy gun
trained on us this very moment.
Sir;
Just my luck. A deaf guard. Sir...
Good work. I never heard a sound.
We'll go check the other guard.
Boys can go to work on that painting.
Come on, Ace. Time's a-wastin'.
No.
- What's got into you;
- I've had enough!
And enough is enough.
What's going on;
- Stay where you are.
- He's flipped.
- I got a heat.
- He's flipped or it's a double-cross.
- Everybody in that kitchen.
- You'll be sorry.
Move, or I'll let you have it.
I said move!
Get him!
Hold it! Florian and Fingers,
get on the painting.
Split up, and look out
for the other guard.
You take this side.
- Bobby;
- Yeah. What;
- You hear something;
- I don't know.
You see anything;
Statues all over the place.
It gives me the creeps.
What's that;
- Cowboy, he's over here!
- Where; Where;
This way.
Look who's here.
Help! Help! Bobby!
- Here!
- What are you doing in there;
I don't know. Get me out of here.
Bobby!
Saved. Help me. They're after me.
They're gonna kill me.
You got to get help.
What did I do; What;
Everything I touch, I kill.
I know you're in here somewhere.
I'm gonna find you, killer man.
Here's the big killer man.
Except you're not the big killer man.
Hold it. This arrow's tipped
with a deadly poison.
- You're funny.
- It won't be funny when I let go.
The real Ace is in the cellar at Joe's.
I'm the guy that put him there.
Think about that for a while.
Don't come another step.
I'm warning you.
That's impossible.
There he goes, Frank. After him.
They got to be kidding me.
Spread out.
Is that you, Cowboy;
What happened;
I just fell over a hot dog.
Yeah.
Sorry, pal.
Get him!
Just hold still, chicken.
I'm coming.
Somebody's gonna get hurt.
Get a hold of him, Bobby!
Bobby, hold on to him!
Wait till I get a hold of you!
Get away from me.
Gonna get you, killer man.
Help me! Help!
I'm getting dizzy.
There's no way out.
I got him.
You lost him, Bobby.
Cowboy, grab him!
Doggone you, Ace!
I can't get a hold of him!
- I can't stand heights.
- I'm gonna get you!
Come on, Frank.
Cut that out!
I get a hold of you,
I'm gonna squish you, Ace.
Can you get him;
I lost him.
Bobby, hold on to him!
I'm gonna get you
next time around, Ace!
Doggone it, hold still!
You might get hurt.
Grab him!
Take a hold of him, boy!
Get him out...
Hey, turn it off!
You're getting us all wet!
Look out!
Excuse me.
- There he is.
- All right.
My name's Jack Albany.
He's flipped his wig.
- He's crazy.
- Let's get him.
That's pretty good.
All right, boys. That's it.
Get your hands up.
- How'd it go, Ace;
- Great.
Let me see.
- There's one thing.
- What;
This picture isn't the one you ordered.
- What;
- Me and the boys got some better stuff.
- You and the boys;
- Yeah.
What are you,
suddenly art critics;
If you saw this,
you'd pick it over Sunflowers.
It's called Pop Art.
I send you for Sunflowers,
you get me junk.
That ain't like you, Joe.
Narrow-minded about art;
- I'll kill you!
- Don't make a move!
What's going on here;
Who are you;
What's the skunk
doing in my warehouse;
This is an invasion of privacy.
I've got constitutional rights.
C'est la guerre, Joe.
Let's clean this place out.
Jack.
You're all right!
I'm Chief Greyson, Mr. Albany.
Congratulations on a job well done.
- Thank you.
- Shake hands. I'll get a picture.
Yes, sir. Mighty fine performance.
Excuse me.
- I have to call my agent.
- What;
And get a publicist! You realize
what this could do to my career;
I'll sell the story and star in it.
Where's the phone;
Aren't you coming;
I need you.
You sure do.