Netherbeast Incorporated (2007) - full transcript

[introduction music]

-Morning, Otto.
-Good morning.

It was a long meeting, huh?

Yeah. I don't think lunch
will ever get here.

You hungry?

Little bit.

Morning, sir.

Morning, Otto.

Good morning, Otto.

Good morning, Henry.
Turner wants to see me.

-He does?
-Yeah.



-What about?
-I'll let you know.

Alright.

You bet. Whatever you need to
fix the situation is great.

Hi, you wanted to see me sir?

Yeah. Sit.

Absolutely, I'm putting one of
my top guys on it.

Yes. Doug, could you give us
'til Wednesday on this thing?

It's starting out to
be one of those days.

Sit down.

Super. You have
my personal guarantee.

Okay, thanks again.

Otto, I need your help.
And we don't have a lot of time.

What the hell's going on,
Turner?

It's the proposal.
The initiative for Donigan Corp.
It's a mess.



Oh, I, I mean,
um, what, what happened to Mike?

I apologize.
I meant to clean that up.

What I need you to do,
in a nutshell,

is rewrite the Donigan
Initiative by Tuesday.

Mike's version
wasn't quite up to par.

Wasn't up to par?

No.

So, so you killed him?

Oh, no, lord no.

That had nothing to do
with why I killed him.

Then, why did you do it?

Observe. Use reason.

There's a wooden stake
in his heart.

What logical conclusion
could you draw from that, Otto?

Mike was a vampire.

Now, the intro and the summary
really aren't that bad,

but they definitely need to
be punched up just a little bit.

What makes you think
Mike was a vampire?

Otto, when you've been
in management as long as I have,

you recognize the signs.

What signs?

You know, sleeps in a coffin,
uh, drinks blood to survive.

Can't go out in the sunlight,
aversion to garlic.

Awkwardness
in social situations.

When did Mike
start drinking blood?

It's hard to say.
It could be hundreds of years.

Have you ever seen
Mike drink blood?

He had some on his shirt
when he came in here.

Must have dripped
while he was feasting on

what I can only assume
was his final victim.

Where on his shirt?

It's right there on the front.

Oh, well, I guess you got
to take my word for it.

Turner...

Hmm? There's no such thing as
vampires.

Then how come the only way
I could kill him

was to drive that wooden stake
through his heart?

Did you try any other ways?

No. How naive do you think I am?

He's a vampire.

A vampire requires a wooden
stake through the heart.

You wouldn't eat spaghetti with
a skateboard, would you, Otto?

What?

It's a simple question
to which the answer is 'no.'

You wouldn't eat spaghetti
with a skateboard

because it's the wrong tool
for the job.

Mike wasn't a vampire.

If that's true,

then why did he recoil in
terror when I shoved a crucifix
in his face?

He was Jewish.

Otto, I would love to sit around
here and talk about religion
with you,

but the employee handbook
strictly forbids indulging

in such volatile topics of
conversation in the workplace.

It upsets some people.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to sort through
how we're going to replace Mike.

Damn his vampirism,
today of all days.

Uh, two bullet points for your
to do list:

rewrite the Donigan initiative
by two PM on Tuesday.

Incinerate the demon Mike's
unearthly husk in roughly, uh,
one hour.

[unsettling music]

[whimsical music]

Oh, guys?

We're screwed.

Jeff, you might want
to clean that up.

[music crescendo]

[lively music]

I'm Otto Granberry,
and I'm 108 years old.

This moment began one of the
darkest chapters in Berm-Tech's
long history.

It could have been worse,

like if Mike Yarrow had been
a likeable guy, for instance.

But he wasn't.

It makes me feel better
for Turner

that the person he killed seemed
entirely deserving.

Yeah, Dow, that's just
what you need is another muffin.

Hey, come on, Mike.

Pad that ass, big boy.

A-hole.

Considering what happened
next, Turner must have thought
the same.

I've never understood why we've
got this thing down here.

It seems so incredibly dangerous
in a building this old.

Just following FERC regulations
regarding sensitive paperwork.

I personally feel it's much more
thorough than a paper shredder.

Oh. I won't argue the point,
Otto.

All hands meeting, ten minutes,

assemble everyone in the meadow,
if you would, please.

Will do.

Between you and me,
I'm beginning to think

that Mike was just
a low-level operative in

what appears to be
a large network of the cursed

and undead here
at Berm-Tech Industries.

And I can assure you that my
actions were completely
warranted

given the complex set of
circumstances involved, visa vi,
his vampirism.

But rest assured, I acted in the
best interest of this company,

as well as your personal safety.

Personal safety, that's key.

Our Zero-Tolerance Program will
be expanded to include this
issue.

Eating co-workers, or any
nonaffiliated personnel in
accordance with the...

Hearing Turner toss around the
term vampire is so foreign to my
ears.

He's hated that word for
as long as anyone's known him.

Yeah, Turner's one of us.

So this is clearly the
retardations talking, which I'll
get to shortly.

...vampires, they win.

And vampires
shouldn't be winners.

That's not to say
that Mike was a loser.

Maybe he didn't have a choice in
his bloodsucking peculiarities.

Perhaps more accurately,
Mike was an un-winner.

By way of illustration...
a vampire walks into a bar.

Okay, let's get this whole
vampire debate out of the way .

First of all,
we're not vampires.

That's a whole media thing
invented by Gram Stoker to sell
books.

We don't have fangs,
and we don't fly.

And yes, we have reflections.

Vampire makes us sound like,
well, monsters.

In the Middle Ages we were
referred to as 'Nether Beasts,'

but we prefer 'Nether Folk.'

We're really normal people
with a slight birth defect.

The heart's the thing.
It's what make us special.

We have an odd growth
on our hearts.

It looks like a gristly,
veiny clump.

This clump secretes an enzyme
when someone is faced with an
unnatural death.

Some sort of body trauma.

You'll recover as long as
your heart's not destroyed.

And you're willing to feast.

Which brings up
a naive notion.

...drinks blood to survive.

Oh, if it were only that easy.

Blood's great and all,
but blood alone won't do it.

No, we need human flesh as well.

Through various connections we
keep a steady supply of choice,

recently-deceased
people in inventory.

[music continues]

See, we're not beasts.

Long gone are the days
of murder and mayhem.

We enjoy human flesh and blood,

but try not to eat
any more than we need to.

And in the hands
of the master chef,

there are infinite ways
to prepare human flesh.

Once the body has experienced
the initial secretion, you're
set.

No disease,
and wounds heal quickly.

That doesn't mean
limbs will grow back,

or your skin
will mend flawlessly.

It's about survival.

Repairing life functions.

Not magic.

In our golden age,
when blood flowed like wine,

and flesh flowed like,
well, much thicker wine,

we learned that our existence
is reliant on a rare mineral

we call 'Nether Stone.'

It's securely locked and
hidden away here at Berm-Tech,

and it's vital to our survival.

Nether Stone radiates and
enriches the enzyme in our
heart.

As long as we're
within a mile of it,

and continue to feast,
we can live healthy lives.

As healthy as you can be
eating flesh, I guess.

[sorrowful music]
And we need
to put this behind us.

As the representative
from Landry Ventures

will be arriving
shortly after lunch.

[music ends suddenly]

Oops. [laughs]
I spoiled my surprise, didn't I?

Well, I will say that his
presence here is a progressive
step

towards moving Berm-Tech firmly
into the 21st Century.

But don't worry, none of you
will be affected directly,

although in fairness I should
say that all of you will be
affected somewhat.

[upbeat music]

Once we heard that an outside
visitor, a 'first lifer' was
coming...

we went into scramble mode.

[machinery beeping]

Cleaning, hiding, covering up.

Except for an
occasional maintenance person
or civic inspector,

we don't allow visitors.

The lobby is manned
by Jewel Hightower.

Maybe 'manned'
is the wrong word.

There are no windows
to the outside,

there's a small office where we
meet with our various suppliers
and customers.

Two framed photos
hang on the wall.

One of Alexander Graham Bell,
and his associates,

and one of
President James Garfield.

The elevator to
the office floors lies

behind a pair of
admittedly unattractive doors.

Few get beyond the chartreuse
doors of Berm-Tech.

We began as a subsidiary of
the Bell Telephone Company in
Baltimore,

Maryland in 1886. Alexander
Graham Bell himself arranged it

as a favor
to President Garfield.

But I'll get to that later.

We had to move around a lot
in the early days,

when we'd find ourselves
on the verge of being unmasked.

We eventually got 'low profile'
concept down pat.

Since the beginning,
we've manufactured telephones.

But in the last 20 years, we're
more into farming out the work,

coordinating the assembly of
telecommunications components.

Anyway, after lunch, Berm-Tech's
managers gathered together.

This group consists of our
number three guy, Henry Welby.

He died in 1863
as a Confederate soldier.

Bunyan Pritchett.

He was shot with
a Gatling gun forty-four times.

And our second in command,
Rebecca Sibley,

gunned down on the arm
of a gangster in 1926.

[women speaking] A productivity
consultant? Why on earth would
he hire one of those?

Why would he kill Mike?

I mean, we all know
it's the retardations,

even Dr. Berman says so.

Or, do you still have a problem
with that, Henry?

Yeah, sorry.

The retardations. Not a very
P.C. term, I'll admit.

But it's been around a while.

Think of it as Alzheimer's
for vampires.

Nether Folk, I'm sorry.

Except it's onset is much
quicker, within a few days.

And the memories aren't gone,
just dormant.

Advanced age is a factor,
but it can strike any of us.

Turner is 191 years old,
which is pretty old.

In most cases, once the
retardation set in, it's over.

But occasionally they reverse
themselves naturally, resulting
in normal behavior.

I guess that's what we were
all hoping for with Turner.

Look, no one wants to say
anything about it,

but perhaps it's time to enjoin
Turner to the greater number.

No, it's too early for that,
Bunyan.

[women sighs]

But from a risk-management
standpoint it makes sense.

No, Henry's right,
it's too early.

Let's see
if the retardations reverse.

Yes, remember Rafe Costello?

He reversed in the second week.

That was 25 years ago, Henry.

Well so what? So what?

You know, we, we put a couple
of guys on to shadow him,

and, uh, he'll be
no trouble at all.

Okay, barring an emergency
situation, one more week.
Agreed?

Agreed.

[soft dramatic music]

[doorbell rings]

He brings 22 years of
productivity consulting
experience to us,

and good lord, you've been at
this a while, haven't you
Steven?

[soft classical music]

Hello. I know what you're all
thinking, 'he's a cost-cutter,'

which means downsizing,
subsequent layoffs and pink
slips, right?

In the interest
of full disclosure,

that wasn't exactly
what we were thinking.

[thinking] This guy's got to go.

[thinking] What the hell
was Turner thinking?

[thinking]
This guy could ruin everything.

[thinking]
He looks delicious.

[thinking]
With a baked potato.

[thinking]
A few collared greens.

Don't worry. I have never
once recommended layoffs or pink
slips.

Especially for a company that's
been in business as long as
Berm-Tech.

And I'm convinced that each
and every one of you is a
capable employee.

Capable... is key.

Key. It's about procedure not
personality.

So don't worry...
you'll hardly feel a thing.

And this is my go-to guy,
Henry Welby.

And this Otto Granberry.

A Team-Lead under Henry.

It's nice to meet you,
looking forward to the work.

And... Henry.

Steven.

I've heard a lot of things.

I'm hoping to rely heavily
on your expertise.

Well, of course.
Any, anything I can do to help.

We were about to take a little
tour of the facilities,

but Rebecca has asked that Henry
and I have a short powwow,

so I was hoping that Otto
would play tour guide for a
little while.

Sure.

That sounds great,
but FYI, Turner,

powwow could be
construed as offensive.

Really? That's good to know.

I guess that's why we pay you
the heap big wampum.

[all laughing softly]

Shall we?

As luck would have it, the
first employee on our tour was
Emmitt Neely.

Our director of security.

Emmitt, I'd like you to meet
Steven Landry.

It's nice to meet you, Emmitt.

Likewise, my man.

[upbeat music continues]

Hey, I like those pants.

Yeah?

I had a pair of those back
when they were all the rage.

They're back again, Steven.

Like a runaway train,
they're back.

Oh, I don't know about a runaway
train.

Like a runaway train.

That's terrific.

Uh, if there's ever an
emergency, we have an on-site
medical facility.

Would you like to
meet Dr. Berman?

We don't have to do that today.

Okay. Let's...

It's just ten days, Henry.

Yeah, but it's very destructive,
and expensive.

[soft melodic music]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\NYou're taking the 40 thousand
foot view here, Henry.

You got to get granular
with this thing.

Money isn't the issue here.

We never had to
worry much about money.

Hell, we bought into AT&T
at four cents a share.

But we've never needed that to
prop up the bottom line. Never.

As Turner likes to say:
"we're a well-oiled machine."

You always say
we're a well-oiled machine.

Yeah, well it's been brought
to my attention

that we're getting a little
squeaky around here lately.

-Who said that?
-It's not important.

Just let him finish, Rebecca.

Ten days. Look, this is going to
work, or my name isn't--

[laughing]

Then we stopped in
to see Bunyan.

Wow... Now that's
a conversation piece.

That's my dog, Jeeves.

I won a sweepstakes, got a gift
certificate to a taxidermy shop.

It was my first time.

How long were you with Jeeves
before you had him mounted for
posterity?

Oh, only a couple of days. I
bought him especially for the
occasion.

Fantastic.

For the first time in decades I
was seeing my co-workers through
fresh eyes.

Which, evidently,
isn't the best way to see them.

[soft ambient music]

You have a wonderful evening,
Jewel.

The consultant has
left the building.

I repeat, the consultant has
left the building.

Now, at the risk of trampling on
vampire mythology once again...

You know, sleeps in a coffin.

We don't sleep in coffins.

In fact we sleep
in quite comfortable beds,

with fresh sheets every week.

Ugly sheets, but fresh.

The carpet is
a lovely blueberry vomit weave.

The lamps are hideous.

And the curtains look like they
date back to the Roosevelt
Administration.

Not the new Roosevelt, either.

We live in the top five floors
of Berm-Tech.

We have 70 rooms,
and only 61 employees.

That gives us some freedom.

The enzyme renders us sterile
and infertile,

it's like shooting blanks
at moving targets.

We also have
an imperviousness to disease.

So we can be a randy lot.

So, no, we don't sleep in
coffins. There you go.

[eerie music]

Is somebody there?

Is that you, Waxy?

With some of
your late night pornography?

[sighs]

Telly's all yours, old man.

But you better be wearing pants.

[eerie music continues]

[loud thud]

[leisurely music]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N Most people think of
Thanksgiving as the start of the
holiday season,

but we Nether Folk start a week
or two earlier,

on James Garfield's birthday.

That guy eating with us is my
pal, Dan Paraffin.

Everyone's always known him
as Waxy Dan.

Well, actually nobody's
always been known as anything
around here.

Early on we thought our
suppliers might get suspicious

if we hung onto our first life
names for too long.

[phone ringing]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N So every ten years or so,
we change them.

This is Bunyan Pritchett
speaking.

This is Winthrop Zimmerman.

This is Calver Weems.

Nestor Pomerantz.

Riley Drubb speaking.

But in 1976... ABC television
broadcast a show which
profoundly moved us all.

Alex Haley's 'Roots.'

Inspiration overcame us,

and we agreed to honor our
ancestors by returning to our
original names.

This is Bunyan Pritchett
speaking.

And you tried the first?
Nonsense.

Happy Garfield, everyone.

[all together]
Happy Garfield.

-And Henry,
Turner would like to see us.
-Oh!

Rebecca, Henry. Like you to meet
Pearl Stricklett.

You're with Landry Ventures?

No, lord no.
She's Mike's replacement.

-She's what?
-Mike's replacement.
You know, dead Mike.

-Oh, it was a heart attack?
-Stake.

-Stake?
-Stake.

Steak. Red meat.
Stuff will kill you.

I thought we were going
to promote from, uh, within,
Turner.

You didn't get the memo?

-No.
-I guess I'll have
to write one, then.

You see, we need fresh blood,
fresh approaches. New ideas.

You got some pretty big shoes to
fill there, Pearl.

Mike Yarrow did some quality
work for us, but he's dead.

So I guess
that lowers the bar somewhat.

You can't expect much...
from a dead guy.

[unsettling music]

[whispering] You know,
there's no need to panic.

I mean, company policy gives her
two weeks probation,

after that we can find some way
to get rid of her.

This week's not going well,
Henry.

Turner's slipping fast.

Is it, is it time to consider
the Rinse?

Dr. Berman devised the Remedial
Rinse about 30 years ago.

It's a crude technique whereby

enzymatic fluid is flushed
through the victim's cerebral
cortex.

It stimulates those portions
of the brain

that retardation's rendered lost
or unresponsive.

The method works well, however
it carries with it a huge risk.

The victim's brain
will likely die completely,

so the Remedial Rinse brings
fleeting clarity,

[evil laughing]
\N
\N
\N
\N and nine times out of ten,
certain death.

We use it only if we have to.

\N[whimsical music]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\NMorning Otto, are we winning?

Excuse me?

I said, are we winning?

Uh, yeah,
we're hitting it and getting it.

Aces. Pearl Stricklett, I'd like
you to meet Otto Granberry.

He's going to put you through
the systems 'til you get up to
speed.

You can use her, right?

Oh, yeah, I'll use her.

Her skills, her business skills.

Hi. [clears throat]

It's nice to meet you, Pearl.

-Mr. Claymore.
-Mmm.

Um, Turner says
you're quite the systems guru.

Oh, I don't,
I don't know about a guru.

No. [laughs] come on, Otto.
You're a guru.

I just hope
you'll be patient with me.

He's a guru. Patience.

I've got all the time
in the world.

So what's the occasion?

It's Garfield's birthday.

Oh. Who's Garfield?

Him.

President Garfield? Seriously?

The primary reason that
Berm-Tech exists is due to James
Garfield.

A man named Charles
Guiteau discovered Garfield was
one of us

and tried to blackmail him.

When Garfield refused, Guiteau
decided to expose him in a very
obvious way.

He shot him.
[gunshot]

[morose music]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\NAlexander Graham Bell DR.

Mr. Bell, I'm Dr. Berman.

The President thanks you.

Well he can thank me himself
once I've saved his life.

[loud thud on floor]

But Bell was not brought in
to save the President,

as Garfield would have,
obviously, survived.

All Bell needed to do was
locate the bullet with his
newest invention,

...the metal detector.

But for all his talent,
and arrogance, Bell,

the greatest mechanical mind
of the century,

couldn't find the bullet.

This was due to another new
invention, the metal box spring.

This was of little consolation
to Bell.

His failure only
underscored the fact

that there was something wholly
unnatural about the President.

I see the surgeons watching me,
Myron.

They know, don't they?

Your wounds are healing
too quickly.

There are too many unanswered
questions being asked.

I'm sorry, my friend, they will
not have a monster as
Commander-in-Chief.

Perhaps it is time to enjoin you
into that greater number.

I would ask that you permit
time...

to try to bring the good
from our... anomaly.

After the sacrifice
President Garfield made,

Bell and Dr. Berman knew they
needed to create a safe haven
for us.

Thus, Berm-Tech industries
was born.

[leisurely music]

Berm-Tech has been around
for a very long time,

so you must be doing
something right.

I think... it's because
of your patience.

As the saying goes:
"slow and steady wins the race."

Yes, Cecil?

I'm Amos, that's Cecil.

It's, um, I'm not sure, uh,
I've ever truly understood that
statement,

uh, "slow and steady
wins the race."

I mean, patience is a virtue,

uh, yes, but I,
I don't think it--

It's from 'The Tortoise and the
Hare,' Amos.

I know what it's from, Cecil,

I didn't just fall off
the turnip truck.

The thing is, that particular
story is a lousy illustration of
Steven's point.

No, it's the whole point of
the damn story, Amos.

Feel free to jump in here,
Steven, if I'm talking out of my
hat.

Listen, in a nutshell, Amos,

the slow tortoise, an underdog
if ever there was one,

ends up beating the rabbit
to the finish line

because he was slow and steady.

No, he beat the rabbit
because the rabbit was teasing
the tortoise.

And, and, and taking naps
and showing off to all the other
animals,

and carrying on and the like.

It had virtually nothing to do
with the pace of the tortoise.

[shouting] The tortoise won
because the rabbit was an
asshole.

You don't even know that rabbit.

[scuffling]

People, please, let's not turn
this into a blame-storming
session.

Maybe I should, um, give more
thought to my analogies.

Nonsense, your analogy
was charming and bittersweet.

I think what Steven's trying
to convey with his analogy

is that even though there
were any number of contributing
factors

which lead to the tortoise
being named the victor,

poor sportsmanship
and narcolepsy among them,

the fact remains that the
turtle methodically continued
his progress

until he reached his goal.

Even though the rabbit
clearly should have won.

Much faster than a tortoise.

-Or the, or the tortoise
in this thing, anyway.
-Yes.

[whimsical music]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\NWow, I can't get over
how elaborate this place is.

It's like a real restaurant.

Yeah. Well the, uh, hourly
employees have a really strong
union.

Ah, the new employee. Welcome.

Would you like the special?
Uh, pot pie today.

Oh, pot pie. Yeah.
Uh, what's in it?

Nothing but good stuff,
I promise you that.

[laughs]

I'll take your word for it.
[giggles] Thank you.

You're welcome.

Can I get you a salad?

Yes, please. Uh, what kind of
salad dressing do you have?

Pretty much anything. Got about
a dozen different kinds.

Oh, wow, okay.
Um, how about creamy garlic?

[plates falling and breaking]

Yeah, see garlic
is a tricky thing.

Aversion to garlic.

Okay, there's
some truth to that one.

Not all types of garlic, but
some of the hard neck varieties,

like Rocambole and Chesnok
Red are extremely toxic to
Nether Folk.

Franklin Abercrombie found
that out the hard way

when he snuck in a plate of
shrimp scampi back in 1958.

[flesh burning]

[explosions]

[music continues]

Hi, mind if we sit here?

Sure.

I hope we didn't
interrupt anything.

Not at all. We're just
discussing Dow's bad habits.

Not exactly good meal time talk.

I have a strong stomach,
so don't let me interrupt.

We've already covered
the real vile ones.

Uh, nose picking,
throat snorting.

Testicle scratching.

Okay, maybe we should sit
somewhere else.

Back me up here, Pearl.

These men, it's always scratch,
scratch, scratch. Am I right?

-Umm.
-No, Jewel, you're not right.

It's never scratch, scratch,
scratch. That's a myth.

Oh, please, Dow.
And I suppose men don't scratch?

No, technically we do not.

Not down in
the testicular region.

Jeff's right.

From an engineering
standpoint, the scrotum is a
complete disaster.

See, the Good Lord designed
the scrotum in such a way

to make it inefficient
to simply scratch away at it.

It's like,
uh, chopping wood on a waterbed.

It lacks stability and rigidity.

So there are two preferred
methods that can be employed to
scratch,

if you will,
your nether regions.

I'm more of a pinch and roll
man, myself.

Yeah, and I prefer the stretch
and flick.

The stretch and flick.

I, uh, saw Emmitt in the lounge
last night.

That must have been shortly
after we checked his room.

He took a bunch of stuff with
him. Mostly clothes.

Why would he absquatulate?

Maybe he found another source
of Nether Stone.

Did he seem moody?

Not at all.

In fact, he and Judd Plimmer
were laughing and making merry

and having some sort of contest
that involved... Well...
pooting.

See? What, what did I tell you
about those sloppy Joes? Hmm?

[whimsical music]

Okay, I'm off.

Thanks a lot for
all your help today.

I know this can be
really overwhelming. [laughs]

No, it's the best way to learn.
[giggles] Falling into it.

-So, it seems like a fun group.
-Mmm.

And with the Garfield cake
and the testicular engineering.

Don't worry,
it's not always like that.

Damn, I was hoping it was.

[both laugh shyly]

Um, so are, are you leaving
soon, Otto?

Yeah... In a little bit, yeah.

Do you guys ever do happy hour?

[music ends abruptly]

I thought maybe
we could grab a drink.

Or some coffee.

Uh, I...

I mean, unless you have
a wife to get home to.

Or you have something else to
do... or something.

I, I don't have a wife. [laughs
nervously] But I have a dog.

Oh, you have a dog?

Yeah.

What's his name?

His name?
His, his name is Jeeves.

-Jeeves?
-Yeah.
[both laugh]

That's cute.

Yeah.

Maybe another time?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Maybe another time?

What other time
you talking about?

When are you ever going out
for a drink?

I don't know. Maybe if it was
later in the evening?

[laid back music]

Like Monday night?

Wait a second. I know what
you're talking about,

you're talking about misusing
Purveyance Night, aren't you?

Maybe.

Purveyance Night is our
sole opportunity to get out of
the building,

to do some personal shopping
or what have you.

Each employee's rotation comes
up every seven weeks or so.

Which leads
into the question of...

Can't go out in the sunlight.

Not entirely true.
Yes, it's harmful,

but not quite to the degree the
movies would have you believe.

In the early days
we'd go out periodically,

but it was easier to protect
your skin back when hats were in
vogue.

We did a lot of damage
to our bones in those days.

We didn't realize how much until
Amos Crenshaw's 120th birthday
party in 1950.

After that, Turner kept
Berm-Tech locked up tighter than
Dick's hat band.

But this only succeeded
in pissing everyone off to the
point

where we felt like prisoners.

All of this culminated in the
Great Worker Rebellion of 1981,

documented in this black
velvet painting.

That's when Turner proposed the
current Purveyance Night
rotational system.

You're not scheduled
for Monday night.

No?

You going to
just let me shoot it?

But you are.

Come on, Otto,
I don't want to switch.

Ask Elton... or Monroe.
Sweeten the pot,
I bet you Monroe will do it.

It's true. He likes good wine.

He does. He does.

He loves the wine.

You know what I love? I love
slam-dunking in your face!

[soft piano music]

Well, I'm not doing this for me,
Waxy. I'm doing this for
Berm-Tech.

That's ludicrous. How is
bringing her out for a drink
going to help Berm-Tech?

Well, she'll leave here thinking
this is a normal company,

the kind where the employees
occasionally leave the building.

What could be more normal
than going out for happy hour?

Oh, uh, that makes total sense.
You're so smart.

[audience clapping]

[tempo music]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\NJust tell her you have family
commitments, and be as vague as
you like.

She ain't gonna pry.

It's kind of hard to break up
with someone you're not even
dating, Waxy.

And when you tell her,
look her right in the eye and
give her the Eye of the Jackal.

The Eye of the Jackal?
What the hell is that?

Listen, Otto, the Eye of the
Jackal. It's the only way.

Yeah, but what
am I supposed to...

The Eye of the Jackal, sir.

Look at that.

Have you seen how big my
shoulders are getting?

[metal brushing metal]
[eerie music]

Kitchen's closed.

You know the rules.

[loud thud]

[body hits floor]

[ominous music]

So, yeah, then you just do
the same thing for the next...

Monday started very well,

in spite of the fact
that it was Monday.

I'd popped the big happy
hour question at around
eight-fifteen.

And of course,
the answer was affirmative.

I felt pretty good about that.

Hey, listen, Granberry,

I was wondering, uh, if maybe
you and I could get together,

have a little intercourse
before lunch?

Possible?
Any time before eleven-thirty.

Hi.

I hid from Steven for
the rest of the day.

[unsettling music]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\NMyrtie Vanhoover?

Yep. She's never been late.

I checked her room
and a lot of her stuff is gone.

Did she seem unhappy at all?

The whole kitchen staff has been
unhappy since that first lifer,
Pearl, was hired.

-But Monroe, you--
-But, but, but, but.

Some of my crew
have been waiting 15, 20 years

for their white collar rotation.

Same thing happened
with Mike Yarrow last year

when he got
preferential treatment.

Yeah, but you saw what happened
to him.

Yeah, but, uh, perhaps my
kitchen staff is capable of
writing an initiative

that won't result in death.

Duly noted?

-Uh, duly noted.
-Duly noted.

Now, do, do we know
if Emmitt and Myrtie were,

you know...

I don't think so.

We need to consider that another
source of Nether Stone has been
found in the city.

Well we also need to consider
company-wide bonuses as well.

[leisurely music]

It's been nice working with you.

Is something wrong with this
door... or something?

Is there something wrong with
it, June?

It's Jewel sir, and the door's
fine Mr. Claymore.

If there's nothing wrong with
this door then why can't I get
it open?

Has it been repurposed
or something?

Is that what's been
going on around here?

Because I can understand a
modicum of monkey business in
the workplace

to sort of boost morale,
but really you...

I'm not sure
where he thought home was

but he was determined
to get there.

[heart machine beeping]
[ominous music]

Sure, I can keep him sedated 24
hours a day if that's what you
want.

But the retardations can't
reverse themselves under those
conditions.

In that case, we might
as well do the Remedial Rinse.

I tell you, everything would be
a whole lot easier with the
Rinse.

We can't lose sight at
what's at stake, Henry.

What would Turner do
if you two switched places?

What if we were just to sedate
him at night? After work.

Okay, here's the deal,
mark his calendar with meetings,

have two guys
shadow him at all times.

But the moment the workday ends,
we're knocking him out.

It's eight-fifty now.

Alright ladies, we have three
hours. Let's make the most of
it.

So Waxy, Jewel, Elton and I left
for Purveyance Night.

Let's go.

Oh, I guess I should explain
the whole Elton thing.

See, back in 1976 when we were
all watching 'Roots,'

Walter Shackleford was in
another room watching an episode
of Merv Griffin

featuring, well, Elton John.

And he hasn't spoken since.

She seems very sweet, Otto,

but I don't know
how to talk to a modern woman.

We have nothing in common.

Well, you're both female.

You could talk about things
that are inherently female.

Alright, I'll give it a try.

Otto, we need to go.

Hey, if you two lovebirds want
to waste your time prowling for
wine, be my guest.

Elton and I are going to a
movie. Good luck.

Okay, there she is.

Now about the wine...

Relax, I'll take care of it.

Go have fun, let her down easy

and above all,
Eye of the Jackal.

You know,
I'm still not completely--

[soft pop music in background]

[unsettling music]

Is somebody there?

Okay, who's there?

Berm-Tech's a little...
different.

-In what way?
-[giggles]

Turner's a little eccentric.

Eccentric?

He talks a lot about vampires.

You know,
the place is full of vampires,

Mike was a vampire.

Well, I mean that's a, that's a
standard business term,
'vampire.'

Hmm... I've never heard it.

Yeah, it means, um, it means a
hardworking employee.

You know, stays up late...

nose to the grindstone.

And the blood is, you know, if
you put your nose to a
grindstone

then more than
likely it will bleed.

So blood, so vampire.

Have you ever been married?

I was engaged once,
when I was 19.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. He was 30.

I should have known
it wasn't going to work.

No, I, I'm sorry,
I don't, I don't want to pry.

Oh, no, that's okay.

He was a, um... a ventriloquist.

Oh!

It wasn't just him,
I mean, it was the dolls.

You know, the dummies?

Mm hmm, yeah.

Their teeth.

I guess I have a few issues,
Otto. [giggles nervously]

[eerie music]

We met one night after his act
at a comedy club.

He always made me laugh,

but I mean, he was on the road a
lot and he traveled from town
to town.

And I imagined the worst.

You know, seedy nightclubs,
cheap motels...

groupies.

Groupies?

Ventriloquists have groupies?

Oh, if they're good, absolutely.

Yeah...

I mean there is
something sensual about
ventriloquism, Otto.

I mean...

the way the rod runs
through the dummy's back.

You know, just twisting
and massaging it,

just right to elicit
the proper emotion.

The eyes roll back,
the mouth opens.

I mean, every move, every look,
caressed out by the artist.

We are still talking about
ventriloquism here, right?

[both laughing]

'Cause, wow.

[both laughing]

This is nice, Otto.

Maybe we can do it
again some time.

[mysterious sound]

[door creaks]

[loud noise]

What are you doing here?

[door squeaks open]

So... you understand, right?

It's a family thing.

[soft sorrowful music]

Oh, don't worry, Otto,
I'll live.

And work is not going
to be weird?

No.

Work won't be weird. I promise.

Okay.

-Okay.
-Bye.

-Goodnight.
-Goodnight.

Okay. Goodnight.

This is for Berm-Tech, Otto,

you said it yourself.
It wasn't personal.

I know, I know.

What wine did you get?

A couple good ones.

What the hell are these?

The guy said they were good.

Look how dusty they are.

Good wine sits for a while,
right?

Did you get these
at a liquor store?

Convenience store.

They don't sell good wine
at a convenience store.

We didn't have time for good,
alright?

We needed convenience,
ergo the convenience store.

Monroe's gonna kill me.

Hey, how was the movie?

Eye of the Jackal. Nice.

[whimsical music]

-Morning, Pearl.
-Good morning.

[groans]

[both laugh]

That's totally my fault.

Jeff, I didn't stop,
look and listen.

Completely my blunder, Otto,
I got coffee,

I'll tell you what, I'll buy you
a fresh cup of coffee.

No, no need.

I'm fine, really.

But Otto, you got coffee all
over your shirt and your hair.

It, it's okay, actually,
caffeine's good for the scalp.

I read that
in a medical journal.

-I'm fine.
-You good?

-Yes, I'm fine.
-Okay.

[both laugh]

Here I am.

But look at me, you know,
not a hint of awkwardness.

Yeah.

And you?

No, hey, doing fine.

Is this... for real?

And you are?

It's me, Steven.

Hmm.

How long have you
had this thing?

Since the forties
if I'm not mistaken.

We are very proud of
our human resources record

where the handicapped
are concerned,

Steven. I like to say
that here at Berm-Tech

we offer you a handshake
whether you have hands, hooks,
or flippers.

Good God.

I wouldn't know where to start
with this one.

Thank you. I'd stay away from
Human Resources if I were you.

I'm pretty sure Larry's
become a vampire.

Human Resources,
now that's irony.

[suspenseful music]

What do you mean, 'missing?'

I mean Rebecca's not here.

Or at least we can't find her.

Cecil and Amos have been
looking for the last hour.

It doesn't seem as though
she made it to bed last night.

Well may, maybe she's back
with Marsden Kershaw.

Or, or that salad guy, you know,
from the kitchen.

Well she sure as hell didn't
absquatulate, that's all I know.

So if anyone asks about Rebecca,

just say she's working on
a project with me.

Agreed. Now, Henry, we have to
think responsibly about the
Rinse.

No, Bunyan.

-Henry, he's not
getting any better.
-I know.

But we can't do this on our own.

[sighs] You look for Rebecca...
I'll get us some help.

Alright, I'll see what I can do.
Thanks.

Monroe, what was
left on the table?

A piece of cake, unit of blood.

Didn't look like
anything was eaten.

What did you do with it?

Had to chuck it.
Ants in the cake, blood spoiled.

Oh, by the way,
I have a question for you, Otto.

Is this the wine you bought?
The choice of a connoisseur?

Yes.

Well, uh, perhaps
we should let them breathe, eh?

You've chosen
the perfect complimentary wine,

if we were eating ass.

Oh, one more thing, Henry,

I noticed that someone sent that
old freezer out to be serviced.

Not the old freezer
next to the dishwasher?

That's the one.

Uh, I never understood why we
kept that old thing around,
anyway.

[mysterious music]

Otto...

our problems just
got a whole lot worse.

So that's where it's been all
these years? In an old freezer?

Yep. Every last nugget of
our Nether Stone was in there.

Don't we need that to survive?

How long can we last without it?

Uh, we could last three, four
days. Might even make it a week.

So our entire survival was
dependent on a rusty, old
freezer?

Well, it was converted
into a safe decades ago.

It was modified so that if
anyone was to tamper with it in
any way at all,

uh, the interior lead-lined
walls would just automatically
lock into place,

so that nobody,
least of all a thief,

could feel the effects
of the Nether Stone.

So even if we do get it back,
we're screwed.

No, no, no, no.

It can still be opened.

Um, but you need
to have two keys.

Now I... have one.

Rebecca has the other.

So what do we do?

Otto, we can't breathe a word of
this to anyone, alright?

The last thing we need right now
is a company-wide panic.

Henry, Otto. Something in the
basement I think you should see.

I was down here and I noticed
the door was open a crack.

Light was on.
I came in for a look-see.

It's blood.

Not too old, either.

It's definitely not human.

Anybody, anybody recognize it?

Hmm mm. The knife uh...

was over here.

Yeah. There's no
blood on the knife.

No, none.

Jeez!

What the hell is that?

Hair. Red hair.

How the hell does somebody
bang their head on a nine foot
ceiling?

There's no good way to do that.

Alright, let's,
Bunyan, get Dr. Berman.

See if we can find out
about this blood.

Why do they call you a mouse?

I mean, how do you
feel about that?

[speaking baby talk]

[knock on door]

Yes? Hello?

[soft laid back music]

Uh, that's, uh, it's time for
your vitamins, Turner.

Vitamins?

Jumping Jerusalem,

don't those things
come in cartoon chewables?

Oh, doctor's orders.

-Here, I'll take your...
-Yes.

And we're going to, you will
love this, it'll make you...

Me likey already.

You likey a lot.

[soft anticipatory music]

The blood samples from both the
floor and the ceiling are
indeed A-B negative.

Which tells us exactly nothing.

Obviously,
since we're all A-B negative,

it's either Rebecca
Sibley's blood

or we've got a bigger problem
here, gentlemen.

[ominous music]

It looks like
it's been broken a while.

But no blood, though, huh?

No.

We are in a real pickle here,
Henry.

Oh, yes.

Do you really think Emmitt
and Myrtie took the freezer?

I don't, I don't know.

[sighs] But as head of security,
Emmitt knew about the freezer,
knew about its contents.

Myrtie had access
to the kitchen.

Why?

Well, I just think it might be
kind of difficult for the two of
them

to get a one ton freezer full
of rock out of here.

Look, let's just wire this door
shut until we can get a lock on
it, okay?

Okay.

[whimsical music]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\NOh. Hi, Jewel.

Hey, Pearl. About time we call
it a day, huh?

Oh, gosh, I suppose it is.

I'm looking for Bunyan,
he said he was coming down here.

Oh, yeah,
he was here just a minute ago.

Well he may have left already.

Of course, I can't be sure, you
see, I'm menstruating right now.

So it's difficult to say.
You understand.

Are you okay?

Oh, gosh, yeah. Nothing a
good feminine hygiene product
can't fix.

I like the kind with wings.

Well, I got to go.
Good talk, Pearl.

[anticipatory music]

[chattering and eating noises]

[door swinging shut]

Goodnight.

[sighing]

[phone ringing]

Berm-Tech Industries,
Otto speaking.

You're going to think I'm crazy.

They were eating
like it was nothing.

Uh, slow down.

What exactly did you see?

[shouting] They were eating
people and laughing, Otto.

Like chewing them up
like an afternoon snack.

Okay, um, let's meet and talk.

You got to trust me Pearl,
there is a logical explanation
for this.

Yes, I will bring your purse.

I mean,
this whole thing is nuts.

And I knew you were different,
Otto,

a real throwback guy and I
thought different was good.

I sure can pick 'em,
which is why I'm pushing 30

and my best prospect
is a flesh-eating vampire.

Best prospect?

Why didn't you just blow me off?

Instead you had to lie
and say it was a family thing?

It is a family thing.

I got to go.

Don't judge us too harshly,
Pearl.

There is more decency and
kindness and humanity

in that building
than I ever saw.

I don't know.

The truth is,

you getting hired has been the
most exciting work-related event
since,

since Hickman Moody nailed his
hand into the desk with a
pneumatic staple gun.

I'm enjoying work...
because of you.

Are you coming to work tomorrow?

[somber music]

It'll never work.

He is a vampire and I'm not.

Leave me alone.

[anticipatory music]

[metal creaking]

Otto.

Henry read me the riot act over
spilling my guts about the life

and using the back door
to sneak out.

If we were beasts,
the solution would be obvious.

Make the problem disappear.

I guess I didn't want to
admit that option was still on
the table.

This is going to go on your
permanent record, Otto. On your
permanent record.

[sighs]

-What if she tells somebody?
-Who's she going to tell?

-Friends?
-She doesn't have friends,
she's anti-social.

-Family.
-She doesn't have family.

Her parents died,
she has no siblings.

Otto, how do you know all this
about her?

I knew
you were going to ask that.

Anyway, no decision could be
made until tomorrow morning,

when our problem either
showed up for work... or not.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Oh, for God's sakes,
Dan, put on some undergarments.

I'm wearing one.

Come on, Dow,
those are for ladies.

Oh, how right you are,
my friend.

[sighs]

[ominous music]

The next morning,
eight o'clock came and went.

So did eighty-thirty.

No Pearl.

There was no time
to dwell on it.

Instead of looking for Rebecca
or the Nether Stone,

Henry asked me to host a
babysitting meeting to keep
Turner occupied.

Sadly, it wasn't terribly
different from most meetings.

So... ballpoint pens should be
made available in at least four
colors?

That's a simple fix.

We need to go after
that low hanging fruit, people.

Waxy Dan,
can you take this action item?

Oh, I'll knock it out of the
park, Otto.

Sorry I'm late.

Morning, Pearl.

This meeting's been great.
I have to get to another one.

I always get asked
to pick the low hanging fruit.

Do you believe I'm capable of
picking the mid-level fruit?

Oh, hang on, uh, if I drew
this fruit quadrant thing right,

I don't think there can be
any mid-level fruit to pick.

It's true. Mid-level would
require a nine-square
tic-tac-toe config.

People, please.
Let's not complicate
the strategic fruit maxim.

I was gosh-bustified
that she came back.

In an effort to establish a real
home for her at Berm-Tech,

we worked together to get rid
of all the Mike Yarrow stuff.

I got it.

[ominous music continues]

But the thing
that I don't get is why?

Why coop yourselves up
in here and hide?

I mean, shouldn't you be
out there being superheroes or
something?

[laughs nervously]

I mean, you're kind of immortal.

Don't you just think that you're
meant for something big?

Yeah. Sure, I mean,
I thought about it.

But eventually I came to the
conclusion, and it's one that we
all share...

this gift is as impractical
as it can be.

It's like somebody
pulled a trick on us.

What? Like a curse?

Not so much a curse as a test.

Something to overcome.

It's our cross to bear.

We're just trying to
maintain our humanity.

Argh... I don't know.

What's this?

That's when we discovered
a huge piece of the puzzle.

[coughing]

Whoa, what's wrong?

Pearl, I'll be back
in a few minutes.

Will you take this stuff
to the basement?

It's okay.

[soft foreboding music]

You're right.
It's definitely Chesnok Red.

How lethal is that stuff?

Oh, it'll kill you.

What about in smaller doses?

Like spread out over time?

It would certainly affect
the organs.

The liver, the pancreas, the
intestines, both large and
small.

The stomach, the kidneys,
most sexual organs.

And the brain would deteriorate
and begin to lose function.

Like the retardations.

Precisely, way down.

Our projected figures for June
were based on aggregate cost...

See, Turner used to be keen
as a blade.

What's Mike Yarrow doing
in this managers meeting?

Sucking up.
In the vernacular of the times,

Mike was a dick.
A two-faced, kiss ass, toady.

Alright.

Let me top that off for you.

-The glasses are--
-No, don't worry.

No, I appreciate
what you're trying--

I mean, continue.
You were on a roll.

And, uh, let me say, that tie,
really compliments your eyes.

Now we know why Mike
was always there.

[anticipatory music]

I'm in now,
I'm done with Rebecca.

[anticipatory music continues]

Pearl!

You shouldn't be down here.

Dow, Dow.

Where's the fire, guys?

Do you still have
Mike Yarrow's PC?

Yeah. It's right over there.

Alright, we need you
to go through it.

Uh, the hard drive,
the email, everything,

see if you can find any hint of
a plot to, well, poison Turner.

Plot to poison Turner, huh?

How long will it take?

No telling, Otto.

A computer's not
a frigging mellon-baller.

I don't know
what surprised Bunyan more,

the discovery of that trap door
in the basement

or the fact that I'd spilled
the beans to a first lifer.

...first lifer would be eaten
for merely assuming what you
already know.

Really?

Yes.

Now, getting back to this
voice, are you sure you heard
'Rebecca? '

I'm pretty sure.

Are you sure it
wasn't 'ricotta? '

Ricotta? Like the cheese?

-Yes.
-No.

Okay. I'm gonna do a quick
look-see around the room,

can you go get Henry and Otto
and bring them down here
chop-chop?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

So where does it go?

Down.

Anything?

Yeah. Looks like a bunch of
emails between Mike and someone
named Thomas.

Deleted, but not deleted.

-Right.
-Several of them mention

that Mike's supposed to
be researching something for
this guy.

In one of the emails...

Thomas requests that Mike should
begin to administer a daily,

no more than half
a gram per day.

Doesn't specifically mention
Turner poisoned, though.

When was that?

September 20th. Two months ago.

[Turner humming]

Excuse me, Turner?

Oliver. Here to urinate?
Pull up some porcelain.

No, thanks, I'm fine.
I was wondering if...

Is it a penis thing or
something, Oliver?

'Cause don't worry,
I won't look.

It's a very compelling offer,
sir.

But, uh, I wanted to know
if Mike set up the deal

to hire
the productivity consultant?

The Frenchman?

The Frenchman?

Steven Long-dree?

Mike's baby?

Oh, I got this for you.

Had the Frenchman pick them up.

Keep an eye out for
those tricky little bastards.
[farts]

[urinating]

[urinating]

[grunts]

[eerie music]

[eerie music continues]

[music picks up tempo]

[groans]

[door closes]

Then a couple of weeks ago,
Thomas stopped writing.

And all of a sudden,

Mike starts getting very
similar sounding emails from
Landry Ventures.

Steven. The thick plottens.

[eerie music continues]

See anything you like?

[loud thud]

You look a little tired.
Maybe you should take a nap.

Otto, can we borrow you for just
a moment?

Yes.

You really think you're going
to need the Buntline, Henry?

Sure hope not.

[light switches off]
Shhh!

Stop!

Cheese and crackers, Henry.
I nearly soiled my britches.

What are you doing down here?

Came down to get one of
those mothball files out of the
archives.

Hey, what are you all doing down
here in the dark, anyway?

[sinister laughing]

Care for a little adventure,
Jeff?

No I would not. I would just as
soon get my file and go.

Besides, the last time I
checked, trap doors is
supervisors' work, anyway.

Actually, I don't recall trap
doors being put in any of the
upper-level job descriptions.

Don't be a drag
on the supply chain here, Jeff.

I need you to take
some ownership.

Come on. God almighty. Come on.

What is this? A sewer pipe?

Well, it seems to
run underneath the alleyway.

What's across the alley?

The Tamerline building.

Hey Waxy, this tunnel don't look
like it's up to municipal code.

Are you sure it's wise
to cross over?

Shh, Jeff, come on.

[whispering] Get some light on
there.

I didn't know it
took two separate keys.

I'm never in the loop.

Well somebody is lying.

Now the question is, are you
lying to me, or has Turner been
lying to you?

Now, we're gonna...

This is not good.

Go fetch Dr. Berman, tell him
it's time for the Rinse.

You sure?

Yeah, just go.
[loud noise]

-What the?
-I can hear you in there.

Go, go, go!

You have exactly three seconds
to come into this room

before the next sound you hear
will be Bunyan's head exploding
like a melon.

One... two...

Alright, Steven,

let him go.

Oh, right.
I'll do just that little thing.

Put down the gun
or I'll kill him.

Now you know I can't do that.

If you kill Bunyan, you're dead.
It's that simple.

So, slicing his head off
is a bad negotiating tactic?

How about... if I have something
else to bargain with.

What?

Not what... who.

-Your co-workers.
-Where are they?

Well they're fine,
they're just heavily sedated.

They're in the drawers.

I got him, Henry.

She's dead.

Emmitt was surprisingly tough.

It took me two hours
to get anything out of him.

But Rebecca...

I take my hat off to Rebecca.

She gave me nothing.

Absolutely nothing,
and I am persuasive.

Give me the gun.

-Uh huh!
-Jeff.

[gunshot]

Will you look at that? I have
been looking all over for that.

That is the power
of positive thinking.

Go ahead, get me that key.

[sinister smirking]

Get out of here,
get out of here.

[shouting] Oh, she's getting
away.

[struggling sounds]

[grunting]

[gunshot]

-That's the stuff, Jeff.
Now go get the girl.
-Yeah.

[dramatic music]

Excellent effort, Granberry.

I knew you had it in you.

You see her?

No. Can't see a blasted thing
down here.

But if she's still in here,
she'll feel this!

[gunshot]

Ah! God almighty! I'm hit.

Ricochets are a freakishly
random event, Jeff. Shake it
off.

Come on up here, roll one
of those barrels over the trap
door.

We don't want any more visitors.

Bad news.

I love his can-do attitude.

-This is gonna hurt a lot.
-[screaming]

So this is the Rinse?
How long's it usually take?

He should feel something
in about five minutes.

Can we leave him
in your capable hands?

-Of course.
-Let's go, guys.

[dramatic music continues]

[grunting]

Goodbye sweet Henry.

Welcome to my hostile takeover.

But it can still be
a win-win situation.

You want your lifestyle
to continue,

I want the Nether Stone.

I don't see why we both can't
get what we want.

You're one of us?

He's not one of us.

You're both right. I am a Nether
Man, but I am not one of you.

I was not randomly generated by
a cosmic crap shoot of genes and
chromosomes.

No fellas... I was chosen.

It was Garfield who hit on the
idea of a heart transplant.

Let's say I were in agreement
with this, gentlemen.

Where in the name of Laura Keen

would we find a willing
candidate for such a procedure?

I know a man, sir,
whose own heart has failed him.

This man will die
before the year is out.

Do you know his whereabouts
at the present time?

Watson, come here. I want you.

Yes, Mr. Bell?

Mr. Bell, you're a bright man.

I would consider any favor
granted to my Nether Folk

a favor in my own pocket.

I'll do my level best,
Mr. President.

I never thought I'd be
giving my heart to another man.

Buck up, son.

That may be
my very last humorous remark.

Why are you doing this?

[foreboding music]

Turner has brainwashed
you all into mediocrity.

At Berm-Tech,
all you run is a cubicle.

Don't you want more?

Like what?

To live amongst
the humans as their superiors.

And the more Nether Stone you
have, the more powerful you
become.

That's how you're able to walk
in the sunlight.

That's right.

Berm-Tech is going
to be expanding.

[loud thud]
Shit!

And those that don't get the axe
will receive greater benefits...

greater freedom to go outside,

an incredible retirement
package.

I got my...

Oh, wait,
is that bullet still in you?

Well, I'm not sure.

It has gone straight through.
You are fine.

Have crackers and a ginger ale.

Can do, can do.

Granberry,
we are not more evil than you.

We are rising above your way
of survival. At least trying to.

Oh, I see, yeah.

You're enlightened.
And I'm a monster, right?

You forget, we both eat people.

Berman, what is going on?

[heart machine beeping]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\NTake it easy, Turner.
Just lie down.

Listen, Mike Yarrow
can't be trusted, he's only here
to steal the stone. Um...

I killed Mike, didn't I?

Yes.

This is the Rinse, isn't it?

[suspenseful music]

Maybe, maybe we should go
outside and try the front door.

Oh, into the daylight?
Are you crazy?

How else are we supposed
to get into that building?

Hey, we're brainstorming here
guys, there are no bad ideas.

Follow me.

Jeff, would you please go make
sure that the barrel has not
been moved?

Can do, captain.

[music crescendo]

This is not looking good
for you guys.

[stabbing sound]
[groans]

Ahh... ohh... Boss.

You humans are such
a pain in the ass.

[gunshot]
[Otto shouting] No, no!

[gunshot]

[gunshot]
[Otto shouting] No, no!

Oh, oh, what are you
going to do?

You're going to shoot me
with an empty gun?

Here. It's a six shooter.
Count 'em out. Henry... you...

Ohh.

Jeff shot himself, and
then three shots in your lovely
girlfriend.

[groaning]

[blood gushing]
[groaning]

Ahh!
That's a piss poor attitude.

You are not... a team player.

[music continues]

Oh God.
Okay, okay, okay, come on.

No, no, no, no, no.

Come on. Come here.

I've never seen anyone stabbed
to death with a gun before.

[heart machine beeping]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\NI'm afraid she won't make
it through the night, Otto. I'm
sorry.

[somber music]

You know, I almost hoped she was
one of us.

Turner's last recruit, so a few
bullets would be no big deal.

She's just flesh and blood,
nothing more than that.

Obviously she's much more than
that figuratively speaking,

but from a purely
physiological standpoint,

she's flesh and uh,
yeah... blood.

I'll just be over here.

Otto... Turner wants to see you.

Here you go, boysenberry.

[mumbles]

[soft music]

I've had a lot to process today.

But nothing supersedes...

the importance of keeping
Berm-Tech Industries intact.

After Rebecca and Henry,

that Bunyan Pritchett
is our go-to guy.

And that leaves several
managerial positions open.

And I would appreciate it
if you would take one of those.

I'll do my level best.

I know you will.

I've already spoken with Bunyan.

And he now has the set of files
that contains everything.

Our holdings, our history,
and the stone.

The stone wasn't in the freezer.

I know. [whispers] It was my
little secret.

Why lie to us about it?

The exact reason that we're in
this situation, Otto.

Greed.

The stone is like a drug,

I mean, that's why it had to be
broken up in the first place.

So we do have Nether Stone.

Yes.

Mike and Jeff spent three years
searching for it. Where is it?

It's in a lot of little pieces.

And every night... it's usually
in the last place that you would
look.

The hideous lamps.

[laughs]

It's so funny. It seems
that people often think about

how they would live
differently if they only had a
day, or a week.

They don't ever stop
to think about

how they would change
if they had to live forever.

And now... there is one more
thing I want to do.

[whispers] Where am I?

Shh, shh. Don't

Eat.

So Turner, like President
Garfield before him...

made the ultimate sacrifice.

His leadership carried us
through our darkest times.

It'll be up to us
now to step into the light.

All of us.

[lively music]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\NOkay, so I can see that our
other meeting is about to begin,

so as long as your brief, I'd be
happy to take any questions at
his time.

Just one.

How long did it take you

to prepare this little Nether
Beast In Training presentation?

About a hundred and eight years.

[upbeat music]
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\N
\NSo, that's the way
the organization will look
beginning Monday.

There's been a lot of changes,

and we haven't done a re-org
in quite a long stretch.

We're dead serious about
relaxing the policy on outdoor
excursions.

[audience clapping]

Made possible in part

by a mother load of Nether Stone
involuntarily donated
by the late Steven P.D. Landry.

[audience clapping]

But give us a couple of weeks
to get things straightened out.

I'd do a lap around the room for
Q&A, but this is a large group.

And besides,
it's time for lunch.

So let's move in a safe and
orderly fashion down to the
dining area.

[laughs]

Long meeting, huh?

I didn't think lunch
would ever get here.

You hungry?

Starving.

[rock music]