Neighbors (2014) - full transcript

(MAC AN D KELLY MOAN lNG)

MAC: Okay, it's happening.
lt's spontaneous.

This. . . Who saw this coming?
l did not see this coming.

Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, let's do it.

Okay. lt's happening.
lt's totally happening.

BOTH : Whoo!

What a twist.
Oh, yeah. Okay.

This is so spontaneous.

We're having sex
one minute. . .

Who knows what's
gonna happen next?

Who knows what we'll be
doing in 1 0 minutes?



Okay.
This is crazy!

We're doing this on
the dining room. . .

l've never had sex
on a dining room chair
in my whole life.

(MOAN lNG)
This is amazing.

l'm taking you to
Boner Town, bitch.

Don't call me "bitch !"
Okay. l'm sorry.

l'm taking you to
Boner Town, love. Okay.

(CONTlN U ES MOAN lNG)

Baby? Baby?

She's totally
fucking looking at us.

Hey, baby.

She knows
what's happening.

She totally knows
what's happening.

(LAUGHS) She can't
see anything. She
just sees shapes.



She sees shapes
fucking each other,
is what she sees. She can. . .

She's fine.
She just sees shapes.

lt's like bouncing balls.

My bouncing balls.

She's fine. She's fine.
You know what?

Let me turn her around.
Let me turn her around.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, sweetie.
Hey, little girl.

Gonna turn around now.
Gonna look at the wall now.

Let's go.

Okay. There you go.
Love you, sweetie. Okay.

Okay! Let's do it.

We're back.
We're back in business.

Okay. Okay.

We are back.
lt's happening. Okay.

(BOTH MOAN lNG)

MAC: Oh, God. She keeps
turning. . . Turn around.

Just look that way.
Just turn around.

Why is she. . . Okay.

l think it's over.

We still did that.

Oh, l'm sorry.
Okay. We still did that.

Hello.

What are you doing
in your Jumperoo?

This never happened.

We're gonna finish that.
We will finish that.

FYl, we're gonna
do it in every room.

And this time,
l'm going to ejaculate.

Just because we have
a house and a baby

doesn't mean that
we're old people.

No. Fuck old people.

Old people don't
fuck like we just did.

Baby, l nearly came.

This is like
The Brady Bunch.

l know! What's
nice about the house

is that it looks like
every penny we have
is inside of it.

So, at least
it looks like it.

lt's legitimate, right?

Neighbors. Hey.
Hi.

Hey.
Oh. Gay couple.

There's a gay couple.
Gay couple.

They seem like a nice couple.
They're so happy.

That's awesome!
Dream !

lt is. Well,
it's the second dream.

First dream,
Taco Bell opens next door.
That would be fucking dope.

Hi !
Hi !

Hey. lt's a fabulous
neighborhood.

(STELLA CRYlNG
ON BABY MON lTOR)

Oh, she's awake.
Really?

She's awake.
Okay.

Okay.
Uh. . . Well, bye.

Okay. Bye. Love you.

Love you. Bye.
Have a good day.

Can l come?

(LAUGHS) Kidding.

No, we'll have a great day!
We'll have a great day.
Okay. Bye!

l love you !

BlLL: Uh-oh. Mac attack.

MAC: Hey!

Hey, there he is.

Hey.

l need that
Mendelson file by 4:00.

Okay, yeah.

And this is not your bro,
this is your boss talking.
(CH UCKLES)

l'll have it to you
by 3:30. How's that?

Mac!
Okay.

Mac!

What?

Wait. Hold on.

Whoo!

Okay!

(PANTlNG) Oh, jeez,
it's so far.

Hey, we gotta go
work on that thing
we were discussing.

What thing?
What's going on?

We have to go work
on that joint file.

Of course. The joint file.

You guys are
doing a joint file?

We have a joint
file together.

J lMMY: Yeah. We're pretty
deep into it. lt's tight.

lt's pretty thick.
lt's a big file.

Pretty fat file.
lt's dank.

We should blaze
through it, probably.
Yeah.

Yeah, we gotta file that
for the THC Corporation.

Okay.

Because we are in the weeds.

How's Stella?
She's a cute baby.

lt's nice.

l think l realized for
the first six months,
everything is fucked.

Everything changes completely.
Yeah.

You're like,
"My life is over!
Everything's different!

"Everything l could do,
l can't do anymore."

But now, l realize that
that's all gonna
go back to normal.

You sure about that?
She can start drinking soon.

They make these little
strips that test your
tit milk for alcohol.

She puts them on her tits?

Yeah,
she puts them on her tits.
Her tits are huge right now.

Are they really?
But l can't touch them.

She won't even
let me see them,
is what's fucked up.

What?
When we have sex,

she leaves a wife-beater on.

lt's like having sex
with Tony Soprano.

You're the goomah
in this situation.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

You are the only one
of our friends that
has a house and a kid.

Yeah.

lt's like you're,
like, 1 0 years older
than everyone, you know?

You're divorced.

The point is. . .

lt's Jimmy time.
You know what l mean?

And the girls,
when you're dating. . .

Yeah?
Holy shit!

See, we missed out
on the whole, kind of,

sex-tech bubble,
you know what l mean?

Now they got Sex Book
and Fuck Friends and. . .

There's this
thing called Grindr,
which is just. . .

Your phone beeps
when there's someone
horny near you.

lt's kind of amazing.

lt's mostly guys,
but l'm gonna find
a girl pretty soon.

J lMMY: You're up.

Oh, oh ! Oh !

Hey.

What are you guys
doing out here?

There are the girls.
KELLY: Hi.

How's it going, sweetie?
Good.

What's happening?

There you go.

She's excited to see you.

Wait, wait. Hey.

(BABBLES)

Man, parenting is easy.
Look at that!

Yeah, two hours a day.

Yeah.

This is delightful.
This is awesome,
this thing.

We should get one of
these above our bed.

(CELL PHON E RlNGlNG)
BOTH : Oh !

Hello?
Hey!

Oh, my God.
You guys have to
come out with me.

l haven't seen you
in forever.

Yeah. What's going on?

Okay. My friend is spinning
at the Royalton tonight.

There's a rumor that
Prince might perform.

l really need to
get out of the house.

l have not been out
since Jimmy and l
got divorced

and l really need you
there. Please?

How do we do this?
Do l call
the babysitter bunch?

l don't know about that.
Let's just. . .

lt's too late. We'll. . .
Okay.

Why don't you drop it
at the fire station?

We can't leave her
at the. . .

What are you talking about?
That's not how it works.

The baby drop.

Okay. No.

l'm kidding.

What are you,
like, having a baby,

you, like, lost
your sense of humor?

What are you doing?

l am using the little box in
the FaceTime to put makeup on.

You're not even
looking at us, are you?

No. Who looks
at the other people
when they FaceTime?

Why are you guys not
coming out? ls fucking
Jimmy there? Jimmy?

No, Jimmy's not here.

We don't have
a babysitter, so. . .
Yeah.

Hello. Fucking
bring her.

(SCOFFS)

No. . .

Yes?

No. Yes?

What are you doing?
What are you thinking?

Let's just do it!

This could be,
like, a doorway to

a whole new life,
where we have it all.

We have fun and a baby.
That's fantastic!

This is the moment!
l need this!

This is the moment.
Let's do it. Okay.
l need to go out!

Let's go!
Let's go!

All right. l'm down.
Little chicken. Come on !

Baby's first rave.
Baby's first rave.

Baby's first rave.
(BOTH lMlTATlNG DANCE MUSlC)

Baby's first rave.

(ALL lMlTATlNG DANCE MUSlC)

Baby's first rave!
Baby's first rave!

(ALL CONTlN U E lMlTATlNG
DANCE MUSlC)

Wait. Shit! Diaper bag !
lt needs to be restocked.

l gotta get more shit. Okay.
Okay.

You know what?
She needs an extra Onesie
in case she craps herself.

l think l better pump.

You gotta pump?
l think l need to pump.

She wants your necklace.
Give me your necklace.
Now, go pump.

We should get the cooler.

Okay, here we go.

Wait. lf we're bringing
the swing, let's just
bring the Jumperoo.

We have room.
l think we have room.

Butt Paste.
l don't know where
the Butt Paste is.

l don't know where it is.

Binky, Binky, Binky.
l don't know
where the Binky is.

Binky's over here.
l got Binky.

(BABBLlNG)
Huh?

We fell asleep.
Let's go. Let's go.

Okay, let's go.
We'll go now.

Wait. Shit!
Another video.

Best night ever.

Look at how much
food l just ordered.

l'm not even hungry.
lt's so wasteful!

We missed it.

Shit. Don't hit me.

l'm so tired.

l know.
Let's just go to sleep.

(SlGHS) Tomorrow's
a new day.

(MU FFLED) Love you.

Good night.
Good night.

(FARTlNG)

Excuse me. Sorry.

They're actually really
good. They taste
like vanilla, kinda.

They're awesome.

Pudgie, what do
you got there?

Moving truck.
Moving truck.
(HORN HON KlNG)

There's a moving truck.
Wow.

Who do you think. . . Come on.
Oh, my God.

Look, look, look.

What do we got?

Gay couple? Gay couple?

What is this?
What are they doing?

(lN DlSTlNCT CONVERSATlONS)

And what are these kids
in the pink shirts?

KELLY: ls that a fraternity?

Yeah, they got
big Greek letters.

Looks like a fraternity.

Oh, my God.
Look at that guy.

That guy's the sexiest
guy l've ever seen.

He looks like
something a gay guy
designed in a laboratory.

KELLY: Look at his arms.

Oh, my God.
They're like two giant,
veiny dicks.

lt's like a gun show.

Look at the blonde.

l don't see
which one you're. . .

Oh, you don't know
who l'm talking about?

That blonde dude
with the red sleeves?
He's a handsome guy.

What do we do?
Okay, okay.
l know what we do.

They're gonna be loud,
obviously.

And they're gonna
fucking party a lot.

Baby,
this is a fucking nightmare!

l agree.
We need to go over there.

We need to fucking tell them
not to do that. Right now.

As soon as they move in,
they know this

neighborhood doesn't
stand for that shit.

And we're fucking grown-ups,
we have a baby,
and they need to be cool.

They need to be
cool to us, okay?
Yeah, yeah.

But. . . Okay, wait.
Maybe we don't come
on strong, though.

Maybe we come on. . .
We act cool.

We come on like peers.
Yeah. Yes.

Totally, we be cool.
We take them a joint.

Yeah. We be cool.

Right?
Ooh ! We roll them a joint.

Roll them a spliff.
Give that to them.

Then we seem cool.
They're thinking. . .

We're hip.
"Oh, they're like us.

"This could be us
in a few years."

Yes, respect.

They'll want us to like them.
Yeah.

Then we say,
"By the way, keep it down."

Exactly. Well,
we won't say it like
that. We'll just. . .

No, of course not.
l'll say it.
Like, we'll just. . .

You know, "Keep it down."

You're doing it
a little weird.

Do it again. Do it normal.
Yeah. Like. . .

l'll throw it away.
Just throw it away.

Just like, you know,
"lf you could
just keep it down."

Just say it normal !
l can get it!

lt's an important,
key phrase here.

All right, you do it.
You do it.

Okay, watch. l'm just
gonna do it like this.

"Keep it down."

Lift it! Come on !

Come on !

(H lP-HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Wicca-wazzup?

Hey! How's it going?
Hey!

Are you our new neighbors?
We're your new neighbors!

Yeah !

BOTH : All right!

TEDDY: What's up?
(WHOOPlNG)

l'm Teddy. This is Pete.

(ALL CHATTERlNG EXClTEDLY)

What's going on?
And who's this little lady?

Oh, that's so sweet.
No one ever
knows she's a girl.

What? Of course she is,
because you're
a little princess.

So, you're
the little princess.

You're a little. . .

Oh, she just scrunched
her little nose!

So cute.

What's her name?

Stella.
Stella, yeah.

That's the best name ever.
Are you kidding?

She's a little flirt.

Oh, like her mom, l bet.

PETE: Mmm.

Cool.

Anyway, just wanted
to let you guys know

that in this neighborhood,
we don't keep off the grass.

What?
You know what l'm saying?

No way!

Legalize it, y'all.

A joint. Thank you, guys.

Also, if you could maybe,
just sometimes. . .

Keep it down !

All right.

Well, l mean, if you
guys ever need anything,

or we get too noisy,
just talk to me,
or talk to Pete.

We'll take care of it.
Same with us.

l mean, we get
pretty loud over there.
Yeah, yeah.

Game of Thrones,
we get loud.

When Khaleesi
comes on, l'm like. . .
(BOTH YELLlNG)

Yeah. lt's crazy.

(BOTH LAUGH lNG AWKWARDLY)

All righty.
Well. . .

Dope.
PETE: Cool.

All right.

We're okay.
Cool.

Later!
See you, guys.

All right. All right.
Nice.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Take it sleazy.

GlRLS: Bye, Stella!

BOYS: Bye, Stella!

And now,
as President of Delta Psi. . .

And Vice President,
we call. . .

Our first official meeting
in the new house to order.

ALL: Chivalry above self!

Much like Scoonie's cock,

this year is
going to be legendary.

(ALL CH EERlNG)

l don't know if
you guys are aware,

but Delta Psi is
simply responsible

for the most epic
party moments in history.

(CH EERlNG CONTlN U ES)

Gentlemen,
take a look at the wall.

Travel back in time
with me to 1 930.

(1 930s MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Delta Psi puts on
a production
of Julius Caesar.

A girl in the audience
unexpectedly hands
one of our brothers a beer.

And after that
one fateful sip,

the toga party is born!

Hold that gam
steady, Pete.

(ALL CH EERlNG)

The year is 1 971 .
(1 970s ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

The US plays Red China
in ping-pong.

Meanwhile, back at
Delta Psi, our brothers

play a little
ping-pong of their own.

An errant ball lands
in a brother's beer,

and he just drinks it.

(WHOOPlNG)

(ALL CH EERlNG)

l give you beer pong !

(CH EERlNG CONTlN U ES)

The year is 1 985 !

(1 980s POP MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Sebastian Cremmington
and his brothers

are at the school pep rally.

They've been drinking
since the butt-crack of dawn.

Sebastian knows he has
to throw up, but he wants
to keep partying.

What does he do?
Does he puke,
or does he drink?

Why not do both?

l give you the boot
and motherfucking rally!

(ALL CH EERlNG)

So many party inventions.

So many party discoveries.

How are we supposed to stand
on the shoulders of giants?

Tell 'em, Teddy.

l'll tell you how.

Do you see that
empty space on the wall?

Let's fill it with dreams.

We are gonna end the year
with the most legendary
rager of all time.

l'm talking even bigger
than last year's
White Trash Bash.

ALL: No, no, no!

Seems like
an impossible feat.

But when we do it,

we will get our
faces on that wall,

amidst the rest
of these legends!

(ALL CH EERlNG)

Yes!

Pete, do you want to
tell us about your
first summer as a Delta?

My parents got divorced.

And where did you go?
Right here.

And what happened?
l cried.

Why did you cry?

Because l felt safe.

Because l was
surrounded by
my brothers.

Brothers have a bond
that goes beyond friendship.

We are the family
you get to choose,
and we don't get divorced !

No, we don't.
We don't.

To believe in
the life of love. . .

ALL: . . .to walk
in the way of honor,

to serve in
the light of truth.

This is the life, the way,
the light of Delta Psi.

This is the creed
of our fraternity.

ALL: (SlNGlNG)
Can you take me higher?

(WH lSPERlNG) Delta Psi.

Delta Psi.

Delta Psi, Delta Psi !

Delta Psi !

Delta Psi ! Delta Psi !

Delta Psi !
Delta Psi ! Delta Psi !

(BOTH GROAN lNG)
(MUSlC PLAYlNG lN DlSTANCE)

Christ!
What the fuck?

They're so loud.

They're gonna wake Stella.
What do we. . .

What do you think
we should do?

We should call the police.

No, no, no, no, no.

We can't do that.

We should go over there,
okay? And talk to them.

They'll listen to us if
they think we're cool,
you know?

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Okay.

Grab the baby monitor.

Hey, Mac, Kelly.
What's up?

We hate to be these guys,
but do you mind just,
like, kind of. . .

Just keep it down.

Just a little bit.
A little bit.

The music?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, just a tiny bit.

First off, my bad.

Yo, guys! Music check!

We have neighbors,
for Christ's sake!

Come on.
Thank you.

That's a big bong.

ls that a two-story bong?

l really appreciate
you guys coming by.

Out of control.

Awesome, man.
Well, thank you so much.

That's all we wanted.

Cool.
Great.

See you guys around.

Okay, thanks, man.
Dope. Cool.

Sweet.
Yeah.

l think we should
invite the old people in.

They're old and lame.

l mean, yeah,
l like their baby,

but this is
no place for a baby.

Yeah, l know.
But they're our neighbors.

They can make our
lives a living hell.
We need them on our side.

lf we're cool with them now,
they'll be cool with us.

Hey, slow down !

Hey, there they are!

Where you going?

Do you guys
want to come in?

You don't want us
to come back in.

l mean, no, we can't.
We couldn't possibly.

No, no, no.

Are you serious?

l think you should.
Come on.

No, we've got the baby, so. . .
We've got the baby. We can't.

Come on.
Just real quick.

You have the baby
monitor right there.

We do, it's working.

lt works perfectly.

You're, like,
1 0 feet away. Come on.

Super quick tour.

Just the tour, maybe.
PETE: Just the tour.

Just the tour. Cool.
TEDDY: Oh, it's so exciting !

Oh, yeah !
Magic mushrooms!

Slow down.

What the fuck
is gonna happen?

l've been doing mushrooms
since before
the fucking lnternet existed.

That's a weird phone!

No, it's my baby monitor.

You should look,
you can see her.

GlRLS: Aw!

BOYS: Peekaboo!

He's done.

Peekaboo!
BOYS: Oh !

(MON lTOR BEEPlNG)

Oh, no, no.
The monitor is
not working.

l gotta get back.
Gotta get back,
gotta get back.

l'm gonna throw up.

BOYS: Whoa. . .

l can't. . .

Right there.
Yeah, yeah !

No, no, no!

(ALL H UMMlNG)

Do you guys
want to see
something amazing?

Yes, l want to see
something amazing.

BOYS: Yeah.
What is it?

(LAUGHS)

l know you're all wondering
why l brought you here.

Behold.

(ALL CH EERlNG)

Wow!
Good job, man.

Yeah, take a bow.

MAC: (PANTlNG)
Wait. Wait.

(BOTH SlGH lNG)

Welcome to
the lion's den,
my friend.

Yes!

This is my room.
Off limits during parties.

This is where we keep
all the important shit.

Alcohol, drugs, passports,
ping-pong paddles.

Those things are always
fucking disappearing.

Yeah, dude.
My bros is always
stealing my paddies.

Right? What the fuck?

Holy shit!
That's a lot of fireworks.

Can we light some of
those off right now?

No.

Man, literally, the last
time we lit those off,
we burned the house down.

(CH UCKLlNG)

lt's not funny.
That was really bad.

Check this out.
Watch the yard.

Ready?
Yeah.

(ALL CH EERlNG)

That's awesome.

Welcome to paradise.

Hey, who's Batman
to you?

Like, when you
think of Batman,
who's Batman?

Are you kidding me?

Christian Bale?
Christian Bale.

Michael Keaton
is Batman to me.

(lMlTATlNG BALE AS BATMAN)
"Where is she?"

(LAUGHS) Michael Keaton's
Batman was like,

(lN RASPY VOlCE)
"Hey, l'm Batman."

"No! Hey, l'm Batman !"

"No, dude, no.
l'm Batman. This is what
Batman sounds like."

"l'm counting on it!"

"No, l'm counting on it.
l'm Batman."

We actually met
in college. Yeah.

GlRLS: Aw!

Yeah, l was here for
an exchange program.

l was only supposed
to stay a semester,

but then he convinced me
to hang around.

ALL: Aw!
Yeah.

What's cool is
we're almost roommates.

Dude, we are
almost roommates.

Our rooms are, like,
1 0 feet away
from each other.

Dude, we can have
walkie-talkies,

actually.
(GASPS)

lt would just
work all the time.
lt would be awesome.

Let's get walkie-talkies
and talk to each
other all the time.

Walkie-talkies and
earpieces and shit.
Oh, my God.

That would be so dope.

lt'd be so fun.

So, how did you meet Teddy?

l saw him.
He saw me.

Yeah.

lt's a really romantic story.

Hold on to this moment, man.
Seriously, enjoy this.

Because soon,
you fucking blink,

and you're the oldest
guy at the party,

and it's terrible.

You don't seem old.

You seem like a senior
that took a year abroad.

Really?
Yeah, man.

Bottom of my heart.

You want to swordfight?

Absolutely.

ALL: Aw!

MAC: Epic night!

Crazy! l owe you, man.

KELLY: l really needed that.
MAC: Thank you so much.

Yeah, again,
if you can just generally

kind of, you know,
keep it down.

Just keep it down.

Just keep it down.
Low.

That would be. . .
That would be fucking. . .
That would be trill.

You really want us
to keep it down?

Yeah, like,
every night.

Yeah, try to keep it down.

l'll give it
the old college try.

Nice! That was good.
Nice.

Cool, cool.
How is that?

Just make sure if
we're too noisy,
you call me first.

Don't call the cops, okay?

Okay. Yeah, for sure.
Yeah.

Do you promise?
l promise.

Do you promise?

l promise. We promise.

You promise? Okay.
Because a promise
is a big deal to me.

Okay.
Okay.

We promise.
Thank you so much, guys.

l hope you guys come over
and try and hang
with us some more.

Yeah, dope, dope. Cool.
lt was a good time.

l'll go tell them to shh !

MAC: Yeah.

See you guys.

Great night!

(H lP-HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Hey, Teddy. lt's Mac again.
Your neighbor.

You said to call if
it was ever too loud.

So, we're calling.
lt's too loud.

Can you please keep it down?

lt's 4:00 in the morning,
our baby's awake.
She's freaking out.

Thank you.

Ten times.

l've called him ten times.
What do we do?

lf we actually go
over there and tell them
to keep it down,

we're gonna seem so lame.

We're gonna have
to call the cops.

We call
the cops?
Yes.

He told us not
to call the cops.

Do it anonymously.

They do our dirty work for us.

We're cool, they shut up,
she goes to sleep. Done.

We have no blood on our hands.

We're innocents.
We're innocents in all this.

lt's a good idea.
lt's a good system.

Let's do it.
Okay, l'm doing it.
Let's do it.

MAC: Here we go. Here we go.

Here they are.

Okay.

l feel so lame.
l can't believe
we called the cops.

They can't tell it's us.

They don't know it was us.
Could've been anyone.

Could have been anyone.
Any one of these people
could have called.

We're not gonna
get caught for this.

Anyone would do this.
This isn't because we're old.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh !

Oh, shit!
Oh, no!

MAC: Oh, no! Oh, fuck!

KELLY: Oh, no.

He sold us out.

Fuck, they're
coming up the driveway.
Oh, shit, they're coming.

Oh, shit.
They're right there.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

MAC: Just go, you answer it.
KELLY: You answer it.

You answer!
You are gonna answer.

You do it.
You do it. You do it.

We're just getting dressed !
l'm naked !

No, l see
you guys right there.
One moment.

Act like you just woke up.

(BOTH YAWN lNG)

Hey.

WATKlNS:
Hello, are you Mac?

Yeah. What's happening?

You called about
your neighbors?

No.

l have a call,
it's from Mac Radner.
That's you. Right?

Yeah. How do you
have that information?

We have caller lD.
We're cops.

Everybody has caller lD.
You're Mac Radner.

Okay, yes.

You called us.
Why did you call us?

l called the cops
because you were
being noisy, man.

And l tried to
get you to stop,
and you wouldn't stop.

They won't stop partying !

Officer,
you know how it is.

We're just trying
to get to sleep.

We have a little baby.
We have a baby.

Mac's working in the morning.
We got jobs.

They were at the party
with us just last night.

Did you party with this kid?
We don't party with them !

We shouldn't be in trouble.
We haven't done
anything wrong.

We have a baby.
We're parents.

Well then,
what do you call these?

l'm too fucked up!
Ahhh! Ahhh!

WATKlNS: Well,
it looks like you guys
were partying with him.

You party pretty heavy.

That's a joke photo!

lt's a joke?
That's a joke!

lt's not a good joke.

Okay, you know what?
Let's end this.

l'm sorry.
l rescind the complaint.

You can go.
No noise complaint.

You know the boy
who cried wolf?

You're that boy.

Okay, l cried wolf.
Never call us again.

Never call you again?
You're the fucking police.

Look, man, we're sorry.

You were being noisy.

We tried to call you.
l don't know what to say.

We called you five times,
you didn't answer us.

You made a promise
to me last night.

We were pissing.
We crossed streams.

Don't worry
about it, you know?

"Hey, l'm Batman."
You know? Right?

No, we're done
with that, bro.

We're still cool, man.
We're still cool.
We're sorry.

l'm not mad.

l'm just disappointed.

Hey, come on.
Wait, let's just. . .

MAC: What's that?

Those are for you.

What the fuck?

Oh.

TEDDY: You shouldn't have
called the cops, bro!

Okay.

(ALL SHOUTlNG)
Okay, very good.

Very good.

KELLY: Okay.
Congratulations.

You better put that
in the recycling bin.

All of it.
All of it.

PETE: lt's like
Edward Scissorhands.
Do you like it?

lt's a really
expensive bush !

l'm sorry, l felt
inspiration. What
was l supposed to do?

l'm about to rip this
shit out of the ground.

(GRU NTlNG)

Fuck this bush !
Fuck that bush, man !

Fuck this bush !
Fuck that bush !

Harder, man.
Yeah, really
get in there.

Oh ! Oh !
God damn it! Kelly!

Whoa. Hey, man,
buy him dinner first.

Fuck this bush !

(GROANS)

ALL: Oh !
Shit!

Okay. Ha-ha.

Sorry, man.
Sorry my ball just
got in your face.

(BOTH MOAN lNG)

l love you.
Baby.

Oh, God.

l can't believe
this is happening.

lt's finally happening.

(ALL CHATTERlNG lN DlSTlNCTLY)

What the fuck?
Oh, my God !

Oh, no! Oh, no!

We can't be the only people
in the neighborhood

who are sick of
this bullshit, you know.

We've gotta get
everyone on our side.

We could lead a revolution.

Oh, no.

They're buying off
the whole neighborhood
with their slave army.

Oh ! Mrs. Haywood,
you're better than that.

l can't sell your house.

Why?
Well,

because the only
people who would want

to live next to a frat
house is a frat house.

Oh, the university
might be interested.

l know the Spanish department
is looking for a new building.

Only thing, if you
sell to the university,

l'd say, optimistically,
you're looking

at losing about
half your investment.

MAC: Half of all of our. . .

We put all of our money in.
This is all of our money.

We can't lose half.

But you keep half.

We don't need that!
What is that?

Sold !

And you keep making
money no matter what!

Real estate is
a fickle bitch.

Okay, maybe it's
best you just go.

Thank you for coming.
Okay.

That was not helpful.

Well, okay.

What are you wearing?
What is this?

What are you doing?
Yeah.

We're throwing
a Robert De Niro party.

Should be pretty
fucking loud.

lt's probably gonna go
pretty fucking late, too.

l'm Taxi Driver De Niro.

Yeah, l'm Meet the Fockers
De Niro.

l'm watching you.
l'm watching you.

Who painted that
mole on your face?
Did you do that yourself?

Yes, l did.
Yes, l did, Focker.

Who are you?

Oh, l'm Sam Jackson, you know,
from Jackie Brown.

Hoo-ah !

ALL: Hoo-ah !

That's Al Pacino.
That's not even. . . Yeah.

Scent of a Woman.

ALL: Hoo-ah !

There's
no consistency here.

You're all over the place
with your references.

You're upsetting
Jinxy cat.

Just stop doing this
stupid shit! We're sorry.

Hey, when you called
the cops, you violated
the circle of trust, Focker.

We're sorry we
called the cops, okay?

Are you talking to me?

MAC: Yes.
KELLY: Yes.

Are you talking
to me?

Yes!
Yes!

No, you talking to me.

Are you talking to me?
Are you talking to me?

l don't see
anyone else here.

l don't see anyone
else here, either!

We're trying
to talk to you.

"The path of the righteous man
is beset on all sides. . ."

What the fuck are you doing?
That's the wrong
Sam Jackson speech !

Are you talking to me,
or are you talking to him?

(OVERLAPPlNG CONVERSATlONS)

Just get off!
Are you talking to me?

Shut the fuck up!

You get the fuck
out of here.

Stop it!

Hey. What's nice
is in a few years,

we'll have a third
person to help us do this.

Hey.

What do you got there,
sweetie?

ls that a balloon?

Did you find a balloon?

Oh, shit! That's
not a balloon !

Oh, Jesus!
(SCREAMS)

Oh, God ! Oh, no!

Help! Help!

Get the fuck. . .
Get out of my way! Move!

Doctor! Doctor!
Oh, God !

All right.
Hey.

Your baby

has H lV.

(GASPS)
Oh, my God.

ls how bad this
could have gone.

The condom was unused.

(MU RMU RlNG) Are you fucking
kidding me?

Who the fuck says that
to a couple of parents?

Hey! Ma'am !

Chill out, chill out!

They are dangerous
to the neighborhood !

There's a clear
focus going on here.

l heard they burned
down their last house.

And they were
reprimanded for that.

We have a very strict
three-strike policy
at this school.

So, they have one strike.
lf they get two more,
then they're out.

A strike?

Well, listen,
the way l do my job is,

you know, l'm always
thinking about
the headlines, right?

So, "Duke Lacrosse
Team Rapes Stripper."
Bad headline.

"Fraternity
Keeps Couple Awake"?

That's not really
even a headline.

l don't even think
it would make
the local police blotter.

Get ready to read
the headline of the century.

Extra, extra!
"Baby Swallows Condom !"

That's disgusting !
Exactly!

lt's the frat's condom !
That's the frat's condom !

l have a headline for this.

"Fraternity
Practices Safe Sex."

That's a good headline.
l could get a raise
off that headline.

l got a headline for you.

"Mean Dean Doesn't Realize
That Frat ls
Bad For Everyone."

lt's really not.

lt's very poorly worded.
l don't think that
would ever make it to print.

l don't know where
you went to school.

l went here, okay?
That's why l'm dumb!

You know what?
l just thought of
another headline.

"Negligent Parents
Allow Baby to Swallow Condom."

What'd you say?
lt's not a good headline.

Here's a headline.
How about,
"Go Fuck Yourself"?

That's what you get.

This is our home!
lt's our home!

This is our little cub
on our lawn with
a condom in her mouth.

Oh, my God.
l'm a mama bear.

Yes, you are.
You know what?

l'm gonna act all
docile and then. . .

(BOTH ROARlNG)

My claws are out!
l'm gonna fucking get them !

(H lSSlNG)
Fuck these fucking guys!

They don't know who
they are fucking with.

They think l'm
just a regular dad

and then you
know what happens?

Boom ! Boom !

Teddy's dead !
Pete's dead ! Scoonie's dead !

Fuck you !
No, no.

l'll fucking kill them !
No, no.

Boom !
No.

l'm buying a fucking gun !
No, you're not!

l'm not buying a gun !
You're right, it's a bad idea.

Bad call.

What about one of those
small prostitute guns?

No. You're not buying a gun.

(EXHALES) Fuck!

What can we do?
That fucking Dean.

What woman is named "Dean"?

She's not named "Dean."
That's her job.

What?
That's what "dean" is here.

No.
Yeah.

Really?
What did you think?

l thought that was her name.
No.

Oh, no.

What do they call
it in Australia?
"Chancellor."

No, she's the chancellor.

Oh, my God.
l was so rude to her.

l don't know what to do.
What do we know?

What didn't we
have in college?

l didn't have any money.

l had no money either.
We had no money.

They're broke.
They don't have any money.

We fuck with their house.
They can't afford to fix it.

Yes.
They have to move.

Yeah, fuck them !
Fuck them !

We're gonna fucking fuck them !
Fuck them !

We are going to fuck them !
Fuck them !

(BOTH SCREAMlNG)

(ALL GROAN lNG)

So the water
came out of here?
Yep.

This is gonna ruin us.

l mean,
the foundation is flooded.
We can't pay for this shit.

They're gonna
condemn the house.

Okay, well,
on that note,

maybe we should
clean up and not

stand here with our
dicks in our hands.

"Dicks in our hands."

Dicks in our hands.

Teddy, how much time we got?

Just a couple minutes,
and then we pour
in the latex.

We've got Delta Psi dildos
we can merchandise.

Oh, God, l can't keep
my boner much longer.

We're supposed
to have boners?

Yeah.
Nobody wants a limp dildo.

You don't know that.
People could
want it for after.

Like, for cuddling,
and it's like a love. . .

Okay, you're right.
lt's just a limp dick.

Hey, you boys
have to go digital.

Look at that
3-D printer go.

Look at it go!

That's awesome.

ELECTRON lC VOlCE:
Penis completed.

Now l can go to class
while my dick prints.

Where did you get that?

Got it at my architecture lab.
Pretty cool, right?

Wow.
Man, you should go
to class sometime.

We have excellent facilities
that, like, no one uses.

All right, let's pull
these bad boys off
and see what we've got.

We're good?
Yeah.

GARF: Let's do it.

This is like Christmas.
Oh !

Wow.
Whoa.

Hey, you know,
l think the clay is
stuck to my pubes.

Why do you have pubes?

Wait. You guys shaved?

Dude, l texted you.
l said, "Shave."

l thought we were
taking pictures.
l cleaned up a little, but. . .

Not your face.

Oh, God.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Don't worry about it.
l'm gonna enjoy this.

lt's not gonna come off.

l'm just gonna leave it on.

l'm gonna drill a hole,
l'm gonna pee.
l can get bigger pants.

Look at me.
You trust me, right?

l'm gonna
pull this thing off.

Come on, just relax.
l got you.

Stay the fuck away from me!

Calm down. Count of three.

Teddy. . .
One.

Look at my eyes.

Two!
(SH RlEKS)

That was so much
worse than l thought.

SCOON lE: Ladies,
l need a single-file line.

There will be no
cutting in this line,

and if you're in the back,
it is approximately
a 20-minute wait.

Hey.
Hi.

Um. . . l'll take a Teddy.
Cool. How about a Pete?

Oh, no.

l was just kidding, anyway.

So weird.

Holy shit, guys.
l think we made $1 0,000.

Hey, you guys, if my
calculations are correct,

not only can we
fix the water damage,

but we can get
the biggest hot tub
in the world !

(CH EERlNG)
And outdoor speakers!

Yes!
Yeah !

Delta Psi !

ALL: (CHANTlNG) Delta Psi.

Delta Psi !
Delta Psi ! Delta Psi !

Dildo Psi !

Dildo Psi ! Dildo Psi !

(DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG)

This is fucking
ridiculous.

This is ridiculous.

Their dicks bought
a hot tub? My dick
couldn't buy a hot tub.

Hey.

Your dick could buy
more than a hot tub.
Your dick bought me.

Thank you very much.

l'm not a sizeist.

That's a little
patronizing.

(MOUTH lNG)

l don't get it.
Who would even buy
one of those dildos?

Bros before hos.

Why? Because your bros
are always there for you.

They have got your back
after your ho
rips your heart out.

"Bros before hos."

And you were nothing
but great to your ho.

And you told her
that she was
the only ho for you,

and that she was better
than all the other
hos in the world.

Bros before hos.

Fraternities. They
live and die on the
concept of brotherhood.

l know.

The only way to
break it apart is
to get in there,

infiltrate a party,
and get them to
put hos before bros.

Hos don't go before bros.
lt just doesn't
work like that.

A ho has never
gone before a bro.

Maybe l have been a ho
who's taken down some bros.

Ho, no, you haven't.
l'm just saying.

You have?
That is messed up.

l'm saying,
that's the only way.

We've got to get in there,
we gotta infiltrate.

Get those little
motherfuckers, turn
them against each other.

Okay.
l'm serious.

Just ease up.

Sorry.

She's on the fast road
to her first
word being "cunt."

lt's not cool here.
Sorry.

We're gonna make them
put hos before bros.

Step one,
lock down a babysitter.

Get this one taken care of.

Yeah?
Right?

Yeah.
We're gonna get these guys.

Yo.
l've been waiting forever.

Yeah, glad you made it.
Whoa, whoa!

What is she doing here?
Wait. What is
he doing here?

Look, we're friends
with both of you.

Fucking just learn
to deal with it, okay?

This is an abomination.

You. . . Right now,
both of you have to
make a choice right now.

Me or her, choose.
lt's up to you. You choose.

Shut the fuck up.

We're on a mission.

Yes, ma'am.
l was just kidding.

Yo.

You here to ask us to
turn the music down?

Because that's
not gonna happen.

No, we're here to
tell you to turn it up.

Shit, homie,
we've been beefing
for too long.

We just want to
squash this like a bug.

That's all my weed,
and it's really hard
for me to get weed.

Oh, shit.

Okay, you guys can come in.

No 'shrooms for you, mister.

Don't worry about it, man.

All right.

(H lP-HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Okay, Teddy's fucking
Brooke, but Brooke
wants to fuck Pete.

But she's afraid
because Pete and Teddy
are best friends.

We've gotta get Brooke
to hook up with Pete publicly.

Then Teddy is
gonna want to kill Pete

and the whole
frat will implode.

Paula, flirt with Scoonie.
Keep him talking
and distracted.

Okey-dokey.

Jimmy, isolate Whitney.

Okey-dokey.

What do l do?
Do l get to
do something?

You're on Teddy patrol.
Keep him close.

He's gotta see
them hooking up.

Otherwise,
this plan won't work.

And remember,
once they start kissing,

we've only got a few
minutes before they go
upstairs and start fucking.

Okay, let's do it.
Okay?

Let's go.
Go team.

What? What?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Cutting through.

What it is, y'all.

What's up?

What's this, a dance-off?

l don't know, bitch.
ls it a dance-off?

You tell me.
l think it's a dance-off.

GARF ON SPEAKERS:
Oh, shit!

Dance-off!

(ALL CH EERlNG)

Jesus Christ,
not another dance-off.

He likes them.

How about
some shots, guys?

Okay, yeah !

Sure!

(DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Cheers.
Here we go.

Cheers. Here we go.

Another one!
Another one!

One more, one more,
one more.

l can't.
No.

l don't want to.

Oh, shit.

l think l'm drunk.

You guys are
so cute together.

No!
No!

No. She's my. . .

l'm with Teddy.
She's with Teddy.

So you guys have
never hooked up?

No!

You're blushing.

No, l'm not.
You are.

You guys have gotta relax.

Shit!

You're so cute.
You're like a little possum.

Look at you.
l'm a possum.

l'm a possum.

No. . .

No! No, no, no, okay? No!

Just a little taste,
a little taste.

That was sexy.
Can l make out
with someone now?

What are you doing?
We have 60 seconds
before they go upstairs.

Get in the dance circle.

Okay, okay.
l'm winning, by the way.

(DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(BROOKE MOAN lNG)

Hey, man.
BOTH : Oh, shit!

l think Teddy saw you.

What? No.

No, no, no. Shit. Shit.

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, man.

What's up?

What's up? You good?

Yeah, l'm good, man.
How's it going?

Everything's good.
Fucking great party.

Great party, right?
Awesome party.

Yeah?

Yeah, man.
Yeah.

And we got
a fight over here!

(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG EXClTEDLY)

Fuck, are you okay, man?
Dude, l'm so. . .
(YELLS)

(SQU EAKS)

CROWD: Oh !

ls that how people fight now?
What are they doing?

Let go, let go.

l'll never let go.

l'll hold onto
your balls forever.

What are you
thinking about?

Why are you so calm?

(SCREAMS)
What the fuck? Ew!

So gross!

l never wanted to
have to use that on you !

What the fuck, man?

lt's a blessing and a curse!

Get the fuck out of here!
You're so gross!

(TEDDY CONTlN U ES SCREAMlNG)

God damn it.

Throw shit off the porch !

ALL: (CHANTlNG)
Throw shit off the porch.
Throw shit off the porch.

Let's throw shit
off the porch ! Whoo!

Yes!
Come on, Delta Psi !

ALL: Whoa!

(CROWD GASPlNG)

Holy fuck.

Somebody call 91 1 !

(GROANS)

He's still alive.

He's still alive!

ALL: (CHANTlNG)
He's still alive.

Oh, shit.

We didn't kill anyone.
We didn't kill anyone.

PAU LA: Hey, guys!

What do you think
of my new necklace?

lt's a choker.

(EXCLAlMlNG lN SHOCK)

l fucking did it!
l totally did it.

We couldn't have
planned it better.

That was incredible!

We're celebrating.

Fuck it.
l'll pump and dump.

(DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG)

We fucking did it.

Baby.
Yeah.

Baby, let's be spontaneous.
Let's go fuck on
the kitchen floor.

Yes!
Come on.

Let's do that shit. Whoo!
Let's do it!

Let's do something
we've never done.
Okay.

l don't know.
Hit me with something.

Okay.
Smack me.

Let's be crazy.

Okay.
Ow! Fuck!

Fuck! Hey! Shit, stop!
Stop! l don't like it,
l don't like it!

l like it.
l don't like it, stop!

This is turning me on.
l don't like it.

l like it.
Don't do that!

Sorry.
lt hurts.

Okay.
Okay.

Let's do something crazy.

Why don't l stick
something up your ass?

No, not tonight. Not tonight.

Can l stick
something up your ass?

No, l'm not that drunk.

Oh, l'm gonna come soon.

Okay, l'm not even close.

l'm gonna come.
Come, baby.

l'm coming.
Are you close?

Come on.

And. . . l'm too drunk to come.

l'm not gonna come.

lt's gone mushy.
Thank you, sire.

(lN BRlTlSH ACCENT) l will
take the gentleman's route
out and call it a day,

for no ejaculation
will be occurring
due to over-intoxication.

Thank you.

(lN NORMAL ACCENT)
That's how adults do it.

l love you, baby.

Baby, l love you.

We're a great team.

Baby, we're a hot team.

My boobs really hurt.

l think l should
probably pump.

My boobs are
feeling really full.

l like 'em like that.

l like 'em full, baby.

We did it.
We did it.

That's a beautiful thing.

Bros before hos,
motherfucker.

That dude forgot
the golden rule.

l feel like shit.

But l love it.

(BOTH LAUGH lNG)

Oh, my boobs.

Oh, God.

l gotta feed Stella.
Okay.

ls she awake?
l'm more milk than woman.

l gotta get
this out of me.

Get it out of you.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait!

Wait. Wait, no! Wait!

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Whoa. Wait. Wait.

No, no, no!
What? What?

Don't slap my boob.

There's booze in your boobs.
There's booze in your boobs.

lt's poison.
lt's alcohol.

There's alcohol in there.

lt's like a White Russian.
Lay down, sweetie.

KELLY: Oh, it fucking hurts!
l need this milk out of me.

Okay, we'll get that milk out.
Get the pump. Ow!

Okay, l got it.

Fuck me!
Fucking idiot!

What are you doing?
l'm sorry.

Fuck. Oh, no.
Okay, relax.

l'm sorry. What the fuck?

lt broke.
l totally broke it.

l don't even know
what the fuck to
do with this.

Oh, no.

Oh, shit!

Oh, they're Hulking out!
They're gonna blow.

What is happening to me?

Oh, gross! They look
like my grandma's legs.

Okay, let me call my mom.
She'll tell us
what to do right now.

Do not call your mother!

Jesus! You Jews and
your fucking mothers!

What do l do?

Milk me.
What?

You're gonna have to milk me.

l don't want to milk you.
Well, you're gonna have to.

l don't fucking want to!
What do you mean "milk you"?

You don't have a choice!

Be a man and milk me.

Milk yourself!
Try milking yourself!

l can't. . .

Ow! (SOBBlNG)

Oh ! l'm sorry. Okay.

Get on your hands and knees.
We need a pail or something.

What?
You gotta get on
your hands and knees.

l'm not a cow!
Well, how else do you do it?

Just, normal.

There's no normal way
to milk a human woman.

Okay, okay!
Come on !

Ow!

l can't do it.
Don't yell, just try to. . .

Come on ! Ow!
l'm sorry.

lt's not working.

(GROAN lNG)
(GRU NTlNG)

(SCREAMS)
Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck.
Oh, God.

Yeah !
(GRU NTS lN RELlEF)

Boo-ya!

Okay.

Whoo!

We are not high-fiving.

Oh, God.

lt tastes funny.

They say it tastes
good to the baby.
lt tastes funny to me.

Just relax. Just settle down.
Okay.

l got, like,
four pails out of you.

We should go
mom tipping later.

(LAUGH lNG)
Hey, too soon.

Okay, too soon.
Way too soon.

Yeah, l agree.
l'm just trying to
lighten the moo-ood.

Moo-ood.

Stop it.
l know.

l'm gonna move
back to Australia
if you don't stop.

Now l can't stop
thinking of them.

Okay.
Mac. . .

That was udder-ly traumatic.

Please stop.

How much of you is
traumatized? 2%? 1 %?

That was a cheesy one.

That was good.
You like that?

You did it. See?
(LAUGHS)

Yeah?

But you know what?
You hear that?

lt's victory.

We can finally go
back to our lives.

lt's over.

What the heck are
you guys doing here?
Where's Pete?

l don't know. At some
job fair or some shit.

What the heck's more
important than this?

Hey, l just wanna
let you guys know

that l ate
a whole pot brownie
before coming in here

and l am really starting
to feel it right now.
Yeah.

Why would you do that?

Guys, don't talk.
Please let me handle this.

Okay.

(CLEARS TH ROAT)
(WH lSTLES)

"Fraternity Severely lnjures
Economics Professor."

What is this?

lt's a headline.

ls it a good one,
or a bad one?

lt's a bad one.

Yeah, it's
a really bad one.

lt's a bad one.

l promise you, as
the President of Delta Psi,

that we will find
a way to right this wrong.

(LAUGH lNG)

Very sorry about this.

You know what? That's it.

That's two strikes.

You're on probation
until the end of the year.

Okay? You so much
as throw a party,

generate a noise complaint,
or end up on
any sort of headline,

and you are out.

Please don't put us
on probation.

What about the
end-of-the-year bash, Teddy?

l mean, we have to
get on the wall, plus
we bought the kegs.

What, is she gonna reimburse
us for those kegs?

Are you gonna reimburse us
for those kegs?
No.

Scoonie. Not now.

Get out!

l'm so sorry.

Mmm-hmm.

l just want to let you know,
l ate a pot brownie
before coming in here.

l'm the opposite
of the person
you say that to.

That could have been
two strikes, right there.

(lN DlSTlNCT CONVERSATlONS)

Oh, there he is.

Holy shit.

l'm just kidding. Sort of.

What's up, man?

Thanks for missing
our meeting, Mr. VP.

l had this job interview,
so. . .

No, no, clearly you had
more important things to do.

Yeah.

So, how'd the meeting go?

Oh, it went great.
lt went great.

We're on probation.
We can't party.

Shit. That's a bummer.
Mmm-hmm.

So, are we cool with
what happened last night?

Bros before hos. Right?

Yeah.
Right?

Yeah, man.

Junk before trunk.

All right,
balls before dolls.

Compadres before
l sleep with tu madres.

Brad Pitt before grab clit.

Deez nuts before
skinny sluts.

Masturbate before
l ask her to date.

Beef stew before
watching The View.

Male erection
before One Direction.

Mario and Luigi
before Thelma & Louise-ee.

Bert and Ernie
before squirtin' spermy.

Man purses
before regular purses.

Makes sense.
Yeah.

Okay.
lt does.

Sports before genital warts. . .
No, fuckin'. That's bad.

That was a little weird.
l'm fading a little bit.

John Madden before. . .

Jasmine from Aladdin!
Jasmine from Aladdin!

Yes!

We just said it
at the same time!

All right, man,
l should probably. . .

But, l'll see you
back at the house, yeah?

See you, brother.

All right. Good talk, man.
Later.

Hey! You Delta Psi?

Yeah. Are you a Delta?

No, my roommate was.
l used to wear his
ties to get girls.

You interested in
working for AT&T?

What do you guys do?

We're a giant
telecommunications
corporation.

Cell phones.
Oh.

What's your GPA?

Like, low twos.

l'm just kidding. High ones.

We're actually
looking for candidates

that are a little more
academically inclined.

So, you have a nice day.

What does that mean?

lt means you're too dumb.

Good luck, bro.

Okay.

PETE: l hope we can "build"
a great future together.

Architecture joke.

l know!

l like to have fun with it.

Lame.

Big Mac!
Yo!

There he is.
Hey!

Hey.
Hello.

You know,
l was just thinking,

it would be great
to have you and Kelly

and your little princess
over for a play date.

We'll put it on the books.
Okay, cool. Great.

Sometime soon. l'll just. . .
l'll get back to you.

Yeah.
Great.

"And the dog goes,
'Woof, woof, woof, woof!

"'Woof, woof, woof! "'

Oh, hi, baby.
MAC: How's it going?

Oh, good.
Yeah, l'm good, l'm fine.

l'm fine.

l'm a bit bored,
but l'm fine. l'm fine.

Yeah, I'm bored, too.

My boss just invited us
for a play date,

so we can both
just kill each other.

(STELLA CRYlNG ON MON lTOR)

l kind of miss the rush
of messing with the frat.

l have to go. She's awake.

Okay, call me after.
Call me soon.

TEDDY: Hey, neighbor.

Ooh !

(ALL LAUGH lNG)

Okay. Are you ready?

Me and Kelly,
we have found a way

to give the frat
their last strike.

Get them out of here forever!
Out!

Why are we doing this?
Didn't we already win?
Remember?

"Bros before hos,"
that whole thing?
lt's over!

They're still fucking
there! There's beer
cans on the lawn.

They're barbecuing.

So?
"So?"

lt smells delicious in here.

Try living next to it.
Try living next to it!

Hey, you guys don't
want to go back to your

boring ass lives as parents.
That's what it is.

l'm surprised and
shocked, honestly,

that it is so hard
to convince you,

of all people,
that this is a good idea.

What?

One of those childs
is having sex
with your wife.

lt's fine. We're divorced.

Jimmy! Wake up!
Wake up, man.

His dick is this big !

"Hey, homie.
l'm gonna fuck your
wife with my giant dick."

"Oh, my God,
this is amazing."

"Oh, my God, homie.
lt feels so good."

"Oh, homie."
"Wow. Oh, my God."

"lt feels so good, homie."
"What are you doing later?"

"Oh, homie, let's do it.
Oh, God, homie."

"That's amazing."

Okay, enough ! Stop imitating !

l get it!
He's got a huge dick!

And her vagina, "Bye!"
lt's ruined !

MAC: Destroyed. Gone!

lt's like when you lend
a fat friend your shirt,

and it comes back,
and it's all
stretchy and flappy!

Sagging all over the place!
lt'll be like this.

l'm in !
MAC: Yes!

Nice! Nice! Great!
Awesome, awesome!

What's the plan?
Okay, okay.

We've been thinking.
What gets frats

kicked out of schools
more than anything?

Rape!

l'm so sorry.
l'm so sorry.

Hazing scandals.
Hazing scandals!

Yes!
Hazing scandals!

Hazing scandals!
Yes!

You should've said it
before you let me answer.

We need all that equipment
you bought to spy on Paula.

l didn't. . .
(LAUGHS) What?

Just stop.

MAC: Look, you just take
these spy glasses.

They look totally
like normal glasses.

You wear them
into the frat house.

Teddy's gonna start
pushing you around

and fucking with you,
like he always does.

Like l've seen him
do a million times.

At that moment,
you just push back.

Okay? Just push back.

The rest will
take care of itself.

He'll haze
the fucking shit out of you.

lt'll all get
caught on this camera.

Delta Psi is gone,
you're a free man.

Those guys are my brothers.

KELLY: Your brothers?

Do you think your brothers
would really
treat you like that?

Think about what
they've done to you.

They dehumanized you.

They treated you like shit.
They degraded you.

J lMMY: You're an animal.
They called you Assjuice.

Assjuice.

KELLY: Assjuice.
MAC: Assjuice.

J lMMY: Subhuman.
KELLY: Assjuice.

ALL: Assjuice. Assjuice.

Assjuice. Assjuice.

Assjuice! Assjuice!
Assjuice! Assjuice!

You better eat this
fucking dog food, now!

(SCREAMlNG)

PETE: What's the lesson?

BOYS: Don't go to sleep!

This is your destiny,
Assjuice.

Assjuice!

ALL: (CHANTlNG)
Assjuice! Assjuice! Assjuice!

Assjuice! Assjuice!

l don't know.

J lMMY: Everyone breaks, bro.

Biology.

That's from Zero Dark Thirty.

You guys don't get it.

l've gone through hell.

l'm not gonna throw
that all away now.

You know how many BJs
l've been promised?

lnfinite BJs.

lnfinite. lnfinite.

lnfinite BJs.

Delta Psi forever, ya bish.

We'll give you $1 ,000.

Okay. l'm in.

Nice!

Nice! That was good !
J lMMY: That was good.
That was really good.

That was good.
That was sexy, too.

He looks like J .J . Abrams.

MAC: You look good.
lt looks okay.
l think it's okay.

You're never
gonna forget this!

Move, elephants!
Move! Keep marching.

March !

March, march,
march, elephants.

l'm not doing this anymore.

Get back in line, Assjuice!

Get back in line!

Fuck you.
l am not an elephant!

What did you just say to me?

l am not an elephant!

He's doing it.
He's doing it.

l'm a human man!
l have dignity!

We all have dignity!
Yes, Assjuice, yes!

Our names are not Fuckhead,
or Jizzface, or Lea Michele.

Lea Michele from Glee?
That's actually funny.

Yeah, that's really funny.

lt's Evan.

And Brendan.

And Juan.

So, fuck you.

Haze me. Say it.

Say it! Come on !
Say it, Teddy.

l will haze you
until your fucking
face falls off!

ALL: Yeah !

That's great. Okay, okay.
We did it.

You're in so much
fucking trouble.
Come with me, pledge.

ASSJ U lCE: Oh, fuck.

Fuck him up, Teddy.

l'm sorry.
l'll do anything.

What's going on, Gary?

Are you okay, man?
You seem distraught.

"You seem distraught"?

l mean, you've always been,
in my opinion,
like, our strongest pledge,

and now you're talking back.

ASSJ U lCE: l'm scared.
You're scared?

l'm fucking scared, man.
l'm tired all the time.

Fucking tired.
l miss my mom.

Oh, no, Assjuice.
Breaking? The guy was right.

Everybody breaks.

Okay. l'll tell you what.

You go up to my room.

Lock the door,
draw yourself a bath. Relax.

(GASPS)
"Draw yourself a bath"?

Catch up on some Z's,
okay? Take a nap.

Full season of Girls
up there in the DVR.

We never planned for nice.

Thanks for talking to me,
brother. All right?

You can always come to me
with this kind of stuff,
all right?

You're doing a great job.
See you upstairs.

(BOTH lMlTATlNG EXPLOSlONS)

l'm sorry, guys.
He's too good of a dude.

No!
Teddy!

What's up?
Yeah, one more thing.

No more thing !

These glasses,
there's a camera in them.

ALL: No!

Oh, my God !

The asset's gone rogue.

Shit, he's still talking.

ASSJ U lCE: Your neighbors
got me to wear them,

so they could
film you hazing us,

so the fraternity
would get dissolved.

And this isn't the first
time. No, no, no, no.
They flooded the basement.

They got Brother Pete
to hook up
with Sister Brooke.

l'm so sorry, man.

lt's okay.
They've been
after us for weeks.

No!
He's telling him everything !

Oh, my God !
Jesus Christ, guys!

Oh, my God !
Oh, my God !

MAC: Wait.

He's looking at us.

What are you doing?
He's looking at us.

You guys just crossed
the fucking line. You're dead.

We're dead?

(YELLS)

Oh, God ! Oh, my God !
That was scary.

Come on, guys.
Jesus.

How do you turn these off?

ASSJ U lCE: lt's on the side.

(SlNGlNG) We're gonna
go to the shops

Then we're gonna
go to Mommy and Me

And see all those
bitches that l hate

lt's gonna be really boring

But we'll get
out of the house!

KELLY: l think the frat
has broken into the car
and stolen all of the airbags.

Airbags?
Yeah.

That's so weird.
ls anything else missing?

No!
Okay.

Why would they just break in
and steal the airbags?

l don't know. We should
file a police report. . .

(GROAN lNG)

What the fuck?

Oh, shit!

Found the airbags!

There's three left!

Fuck!

Two left!
(J lMMY GROAN lNG)

Jimmy, are you okay?

l'm fine!

lt wasn't as bad as
it seemed. l'm fine.

Delta Psi has
the upper hand !

We went too far now.
This is dangerous.

We did not go too far.

Now is when we get
them back even more.

Do you see what
they fucking did to me?
We don't stop now!

So, what it's gonna be
next? They're gonna
break into the house?

No. No.

You need to grow up, okay?
Our family is in danger.

l need to grow up?
Yes, you need to grow up.

One of us has got to
be the adult in
this relationship.

You should take
responsibility.

That's not only offensive,
but it's fucking stupid.

lt's offensive that l'm saying
that you should be smart?

Yes, it's offensive
that l have to be the
smart one all the time!

l'm allowed to be
just as irresponsible as you.

Well, that's how it works!
l'm the dumb guy,

and you're the woman
who's supposed to

stop the dumb guy
from doing dumb shit!

Haven't you ever seen
a fucking Kevin James movie?

We can't both
be Kevin James.
l'm Kevin James!

l have a little bit
of Kevin James in me.

Well, we can't both. . .

Clearly, you're
the one who knows better,
so you should know better.

You know that
l'm not like that, and
l've never been like that.

Well, maybe you should be.
That's never been me.

Just because l'm
a mom doesn't mean

that l'm gonna
change who l am.

Well, just because
l'm a father,

it doesn't mean l can
stop doing mushrooms
with teenagers.

Fine!
Fine!

Good.
Good, then.

Okay, Kevin,
l don't think we're
a good team anymore.

The team is breaking up.
Yep.

This worked before
we had Stella, but. . .

Now it doesn't.
lt doesn't work anymore.

Yeah, because
someone refuses to grow up.

Fine. Okay.
Fine then.

You go find your
nagging wife that you

want to find,
and l'll go find a real man.

Fine! Good to know.
Fine.

l don't feel safe here,
just in case you didn't know.

Well, that's crazy.

l'm gonna take
our child and go.

Oh, yeah? Well,
that's ludicrous,

because this is
perhaps the safest
place on the planet,

just so you know!

You're kidnapping our baby!
Asshole!

Don't kidnap our baby!

l'm gonna put out
an AMBER fucking Alert!

Enjoy the house by
yourself, you child !

This is safer
than the White House!

(GROAN lNG)

Dude, we missed the airbag !

Kelly, there's one left!

lt could be anywhere!

Ow!

Hey, man, do you think,
maybe we're going, like,
way too far with this?

l mean, as a child
of divorce, l just. . .

l can't help it,
l sympathize with them.

Well, my parents
love each other,
and l think it's hilarious.

(SCREAMS)

Fuck!

Fuckers! Fuck!

Shalom, Mac.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

How's it going?
l'm sorry.

l'm so sorry,
l'm so sorry.

l love you so much.
l'm so sorry.

l love you, l'm sorry.

l was so stupid.

What a stupid
fucking fight to have.

No, l was stupid.
l'm really, really sorry.

l'm so sorry.
lt was so dumb.

lt was really dumb.
l love you so much, okay?

Do you still like me?
l miss you. l love you.

Do you still like me?
Yes, l still like you.

Okay, good. l love you.
Okay.

She's so crazy.

She's still behind you.

Hey.
Hi.

Lame, isn't it, Pete?

Whoa.

You're really
villaining out in here.

What's lame?
What's going on?

Lame that
we're on probation.

We're not gonna
end up on this thing.

That is kind of lame,
but also kind of
meaningless, right?

What the fuck are
you talking about?

No, man. l just mean, like,
you're the President,
you know?

lf you want to be
up there so bad,
just put your picture up.

No one's gonna stop you.

Because then
l didn't earn it.

lt doesn't mean anything
if you don't earn it.

Who cares?

"Who cares?"

Are you kidding me?

You're the VP, man.

We have wanted this
since we were freshmen.

Dude, that was
four years ago, okay?

We were fucking virgins.
All right?

We're about to be,
like, adults now.

ln two weeks,
none of this is
even gonna matter.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

l mean, you do
realize that all this stuff,
it's all bullshit, right?

lt's all made up.

Like, my brother's
fraternity also thinks
they invented beer pong.

Well, your brother
is a liar.

All right,
let's put that down.

Dude, l don't want you
to take this the wrong way,

but l think
you're freaking out

about what you're
gonna do next year.

What?

l'm trying to be
your friend, okay?

But l don't know
why you try to hide
this stuff from me.

l'm a psychology minor,
you know that.

"l'm a psychology minor."

Dude, why do you think
you're so obsessed

with that old couple
next door, all right?

lt's because they
remind you of the future.

l'm sorry, but it's true.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

You're trying to be my friend?
Yes!

Well, why don't you go
fuck my girlfriend again?

What?
Yeah.

l thought we were over that.
What are you. . .

How the fuck could l
be cool with that, man?

You had sex
with my girlfriend !

What are you. . .
We said all those things,
all right?

They rhymed !
What the hell was that?

We said some shit
that rhymed? Are
you crazy, man?

How the fuck would
that make me feel better?

You don't think l was
clearly trying to mask
how l really felt,

so l tried to
bro out with you?

l don't know!
You're a good actor!

What the fuck am l
supposed to think?

Get the fuck out of here!

God ! Dude, take your shit out
on someone else, all right?

This isn't about me.
Okay.

That's right, Pete.
Walk away.

Bitch.
Oh, my God.

Ahhh !

Scoonie put his
dick in your mouth

while you were sleeping,
bitch !

Uh-uh. l wasn't asleep.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GROANS)

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

One sec!

Get your knees
in there.

There you go.

Hey, neighbor.

What the fuck
do you want, man?

Hi, how's it going?

What do you want? lt's over.
Yeah.

You won. There's
nothing else.

We're just
getting started.

l know what you
might be thinking.

"Teddy is gonna
graduate this year

"and everything's
gonna be fine."

But it won't.

Because in a few weeks,
when school ends,
so does our probation.

There's gonna be hundreds
and thousands of Teddys living
next door to you for all time.

Because "Teddy"
is just an idea.

lt's over.
lt's over, man.

Okay? lt's done.

lt's over? Okay, it's over,
it's over, it's over.

l just have one
thing l wanted to say.

This entire time,
your daughter is
gonna be growing up

watching all these young,
shirtless men next door,

and we're gonna be
watching right back.

You're a bad boy!
Get off our porch.

Delta Psi, bitch.
Now! l'm gonna
call the police!

Get off!

We are not moving.

No. They are.

The problem is that
they're on probation.

l know.
They're being careful.

They're never gonna
do anything ridiculous,

because they're
watching themselves.

What would be great is
if they didn't think
they were on probation.

Our probation's been lifted !
Our probation's been lifted !

Our probation's been lifted !

Yeah, this is amazing.

l want a baby.
l'm gonna have a baby.

You don't want a baby.
Oh, l do.

Would you be
my surrogate, Kelly?

No!
Dude, don't ask that.

Don't be so fucking
offended. lt's not like
we're gonna have sex.

l would masturbate into her.
MAC: That's not how it works.

That's not
what you would do.

(CELL PHON E CH lMES)
l don't want to
talk about this.

Oh, shit. Teddy just tweeted.

What?

Tomorrow night, party's on.

Free party tonight.

There'll be food, blankets.
lt's gonna be great.

(ON RADlO) We're back on
the air with Dirty Boy.

And Romie the Homie.

ROMlE: Right, right.
So let's take a few calls.

DIRTY BOY: All right, caller,
what's your name?

Hey, dude.

This is Nutsack
calling over
from Delta Psi.

ROMlE: What's up, Nutsack?

We're having
a huge rager tonight.

You know what
brings people to a party
more than anything?

Celebrities.

This is Mark Wahlberg.
lf you don't
come to this party,

l'm gonna give you
a world-class
knuckle sandwich.

Oh, my gosh.
This is Anne Hathaway.

l want to ask you to
the party this weekend
that l'm having with friends.

Hello.
This is Julia Child.

Ho!
Hey, babe, you want to party?

The question is,
do you want to party?

Right there.

You, too, Deadwood.
There you go.

See you guys.

Hey, it's Ray Romano.
What are you doin'?

No, this is Ray Romano and. . .
No, this is Ray Romano. . .

Who is Ray Romano?

This is
President Barack Obama,

telling you to
come to a great party

this evening at
2203 West Olmstead.

Peace, nigga.

(H lP-HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Gentlemen,
we are fortunate members

of a prestigious lineage
of extraordinary gentlemen.

We are Delta Psi Beta.

ALL: Delta Psi !

Now, there is no
higher honor in Delta Psi
than making it onto the wall.

And this year,
we will make it on that wall.

People have
hot-boxed showers.

They've hot-boxed cars.

Attics. Caves. Fire trucks.

Porta-Potties. Private planes.

But tonight,
forget the hot-box.

l give you the hot house.

MAC: Holy shit.

(CAR ALARM BLARlNG)
This party is
getting out of control.

This is strike three.
This is crazy.

Strike three.
Yes!

J lMMY: Yes, hello.
This is the President
of the neighborhood watch.

There is a giant party at
2203 West Olmstead right now.

They're yelling and
fighting. The ringleader's
name is Scoonie.

He's a little
scrawny piece of shit
with a giant dick.

Come on, come on.
Stay on message!
l'm sorry.

They are sending
the cops.

DlSPATCH ON RADlO:
We have a disturbance
at 2203 West Olmstead.

1 0-4.

(DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG)

What is this?
ls this our flyer?

No, we do everything online!

Who makes flyers anymore?

Fucking old people!

Old people?

Thumbsucker!
Let me see the letter
from the school, man !

Our school's
insignia is in Latin.

This is in Jewish !

What?
We're not off probation !

The old people
have the upper hand.

We got to get
everyone out of here!

We got to get everybody. . .

BOTH : Hootie-hoo!
Hootie-hoo!

TEDDY: Guys!

DELTA PSl BROTH ERS:
Hootie-hoo! Hootie-hoo!

Shit, they're hootie-hooing !

What?
They're fucking hootie-hooing.

KELLY: What does that mean?

That means they know
the cops are coming.

l don't get it!
MAC: lt's from
an Outkast song.

BOTH : (SlNGlNG)
Born and bred
up on the street top

Get the money
and the sweet spot
And forever hollerin'

Hootie-hoo
When we see cops

Yo, cops be
robbing niggaz blind
With the dollars...

Okay, okay,
we fucking get it!
l get it. l get it.

That's the song.
How could they
know that's happening?

How do they know
something's wrong?

lt's because of the Hebrew.

l put a little Hebrew
in the school sign, you
know, like a coded game.

What?
What?

Check this out.
lnside the school seal,

I put sof hamisschak,
which is Hebrew
for "game over."

What the fuck is
wrong with you, man?
Why did you do that?

Stop hitting me.
MAC: That's so stupid !

No! No, no!
lt's like a wink, you know?

Like at the end of a heist,
you leave your calling card.

lt's like,
"They got us again."

One big difference,
the heist isn't done!

We're mid-fucking-heist,
genius!

(ALL PROTESTlNG)

Everybody out! Party's over!

Let's go!
This is not a fucking drill !

Stop standing around !
Let's go!

Drinks down !
No alcohol outside!
Get the fuck out of here!

Party's over!
Dirty Santa, let's go!

Everyone's clearing out.
Oh, my God !

Everyone's leaving !

This isn't a strike!
lt's not a strike
if everyone's leaving !

Shit!

lt's Watkins.

Looks like
the party shut down.

(SlREN WAlLlNG)

Cops are here.

Fuck me! Shit!
They're sending Garf
out to talk to him.

He's so charming,
he'll get the cop to leave.

WATKlNS: Yo, is there a party
going on around here?

No, no. There was,
but l shut that down.

You got nothing to
worry about, officer.

That's really
responsible of you guys.

You must've heard
we were coming.

Look,
we're in a nice neighborhood.
We want to be good neighbors.

lt's the least we
could do, you know?

We appreciate that, man.

l'm gonna go now.
No.

You're not trying to
get rid of me, are you?

No. No.

We've got to save. . .
Come on, we're so close!

We gotta save this.
What do we do?
Okay, okay, okay.

Teddy's room.
We got to sneak
into Teddy's room.

Fuse box. We'll turn
the party back on.

Get the party going again.
Get the party started.

Let's go.
Get the party started !
Come on !

Grab the monitor.
Grab the monitor.

What are you doing?
l'm sneaking.

What the fuck?

Don't worry about it.

ls that your real name? Garf?

Well, Garfield.

Garfield.
Garfield, yeah. Yeah.

Oh.
Yeah.

Like the cat.
My father. . . Yeah.

"l hate Mondays!"

"l love lasagna!"

(BOTH LAUGH lNG)

Do some cat stuff real quick.
Be sarcastic or lick yourself.

Okay. All right.

(LAUGH lNG)

(MEOWlNG)

l love fucking with
you when you high, man.

PETE: Get the hell
out of here.

Everybody out!
Hootie-hoo! Let's go!

All right, fellas,
get a move on. Hootie-hoo!

What the fuck is
wrong with you, man?
What the. . .

That was, like, a distraction
so they couldn't
see what was going on.

Grow up! lt worked.
Okay. Okay.

Yeah. There wasn't
anything behind it.

You used so much tongue!

PETE: Upstairs clear!

Hey. Do not let anyone
upstairs, you got me?

Yes, sir.

(CREAKlNG)

Holy fuck.

What was that?

Shaggy, Scooby,
Jizzface, let's investigate!

lt's open. lt's open.

(EXHALES)

He's right there!
He's right there!

What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?

We got to get him
out of there!
Distraction.

Okay, distraction.
What? What do we do?

Distraction, distraction.

l'm gonna jump
off the balcony.
What?

No, no, why? Why?
No! What?

(J lMMY GROAN lNG)

J lMMY: Oh, God !

(J lMMY SCREAMlNG)

Fuck! Shit, shit. Go!

What the fuck?

Nice. He's gone.

He's gone.

Come on, come on !
Damn it!

One, two, three?

No!

J lMMY: Oh, God ! Oh, God !

My God, Jesus!

What the hell, bro?

What up, Teddy?

What the fuck?

"Boobs" upside down !

l can't do "boob."
l can do "Bob."

l can do "cock."
l can do "C-O-K."

Sixty-nine?

Sixty-nine?
There's three numbers!

What other stupid number
combinations are there?

l'll never talk!
l'm unbreakable!

Jesus!

l'm not a distraction.

lt's a distraction?

No! No!

l got it, l got it.
l got it.

Four-twenty?

Victory.

Boom ! Yes!

BOTH : Yes! Yes! Yes!

(CH UCKLES) Yes.
l'm gonna kill you.

Go, go.
Okay.

Don't open this door
no matter what you hear!

TEDDY: This is it.

Mano y mano.

You are not getting
through this door.

Jesus. Okay.

Fuck, these kids
locked everything !

God damn it.

l've been wanting this.
l've got your number.

Ready?

Yeah, l'm ready.
Are you ready, huh?

Oh?

Huh?
Oh?

Old man.
Oh, my nuts!

Why the fuck do
you keep fighting?

(GROAN lNG)

(YELLlNG lN DELlGHT)

Yes, that felt good !

MAC: l hit him, Kelly!
Fuck!

Oh, yeah !

(lN HALlNG DEEPLY)

Okay, let's just
relax for a second.

Baby, let me in !

l can't let you in yet.
l haven't figured
out how to open it!

Okay, fuck me!

Stay!

(LAUGHS)

What the fuck?

(GROANS)

How'd you even do that?

No idea.

Come here!
No!

What the fuck? Damn it!

Who still has waterbeds?

(PANTlNG)

Let's do this shit.

Suck my dick!

Suck my dick.

Yeah, suck it! Suck my dick.

No, no!

So gross! Ew!

That was very immature!

l'm Batman !

Oh ! Fuck!

l'm Batman !

Ahhh !

Oh, shit!

Fuck me!

God damn it!

Good luck with all
your problems, officer.

Really.

Get off of me!

God damn it!

No, no, no!
Yeah !

Oh, shit!

Kelly!

Kelly, honey.

He's coming.
Kelly, it's over!

Kelly, he's coming !

Fuck! Shit!

So long, neighbor.

(SCREAMlNG)

(PEOPLE SCREAMlNG)
(TlRES SCREECH lNG)

(LAUGH lNG)

l need backup at
2203 West Olmstead !

Delta Psi is attacking me!
l'm under fire right now!

l need backup! Over!

Well played, motherfuckers.

What the fuck
are you looking at?

What the fuck are
y'all looking at?

Well played.
What the fuck?

You can't tell
anyone l showed you
this. Okay, baby?

Oh, my God.
Shut up, Scoonie.

l'm sorry, baby.

(ALL CH EERlNG)

No, guys! Hey, hey!

Oh, shit!

Holy shit!

My brothers need me.

(LAUGH lNG)

Holy shit.

(J lMMY GROAN lNG)

Holy shit!
Did you break your leg?

Baby broke his leg !

l'm not a baby.

Oh, no?
l'm a fucking man !

My God, Jimmy!

He's so light.
He's all dick.

Thank you.

Keep your dick
away from my wife!

(WHOOPlNG)

YOLO !

This is who l am.

Jimmy fuckin' Blevitz.

You want this?

Oh, my leg.

Let's make a baby.

That'll solve
all our problems.

Yeah.

(BOTTLES SHATTERlNG)

We are fucked, man.

Yeah. We're fucked, man.

l guess we're all going down
in a blaze of glory, huh?

What? No way, man.
Get out of here.

Dude, all that shit
l was saying the other day

about you and
the fraternity. . .

Fuck that, all right?
l was out of line, man.

This stuff is important.

l know.

Regardless of anything,
we're brothers for life.

This is on me.
l took it too far.

That's why you got to go.

(SlRENS WAlLlNG)
You got a bright future, kid.

You're the smartest
person l know.

l'm the President
of a fraternity.

You could be President
of the United Nations.

There is no President
of the United Nations.

Yeah, but see,
that's my fucking point!
You know shit like that, man !

This is all my fault.

You're not taking
the heat for this.

l fucking will, man.

Brothers don't get divorced.
Yeah, l know.

l'm a supernova.
Burn bright, die young.

l fucking love you, man.

l love you, dawg.
l love you.

l fucking love you, man.
Get out of here.

Be in this moment!
Live in this shit with me!

l love you !
l love you, too, man.

l love you !

l fucking
love you, Pete.
l love you !

l love you, too, but. . .
Get out of here, man ! Just go!

Delta Psi.

Delta Psi, man. All right?

Go! Get the brothers
out of here now, man !

Go, go!
All right! Hey!

T-Bone, Gerbil, Jizzface,
let's get the fuck
out of here! Let's go!

Delta Psi forever!

(GROANS)
Delta Psi this shit!

You've been a bad boy.
l'm gonna spank you.

(H lP-HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

KELLY: That's our baby.

She's so sweet.

Look at her.

We're a family.

We are.

l love you.

(BOTH GASP)

(BOTH EXHALE)

Holy shit.
That was close.

l could not deal
with that right now.
Fuck, no way.

Jesus.
l'm exhausted.

That would be
a fucking disaster.
Oh, Jesus.

We did it!

We did it.
We fucking did it.

We did it.

We did it.
(lMlTATES EXPLOSlON)

Come on.

We fucking did that shit.

We totally did it.

l think l was near
one of those oil drums
for too long.

l think l might be
really quite stoned.

Me, too.

Life's crazy.

lt is crazy.

l milked you.

You're a human being,
and l fucking milked you.

We made a baby.
Things have changed.
Everything has changed.

Part of our life is
just totally over.

Yeah.

Just gone.
Yeah.

lt's never coming back.
No.

We'll never not be
responsible for someone
until we're so, so old.

l think l like old people
shit better than young
people shit now.

l love brunch.

Oh, it's the best!

And l get really excited
when l smell
freshly ground coffee.

Me, too, because
it's awesome.

Like, way too excited.

l want a tomato garden.
How's that?

l love going to
The Container Store
and buying containers.

Me, too.

l love our hand soap
that's shaped like seashells.

Why?

lt smells like lemongrass.

Me, too.

Do you think
we'll be good parents?

l think we'll be good
at it and bad at it.

BOTH : Whoa! (LAUGH)

You know, when we had
Stella, l was afraid of
missing the party,

but then l realized
that we are the party.

This is the only party
l want to be at.

You're gonna make me cry.

Don't cry.

Oh, my God.

Where did you get that?

l brought it
into bed with us.

l also got some
ranch dipping sauce.

Oh, my God.
Mmm-hmm.

That's the best idea.

Yeah.

Mmm !

TEDDY: Welcome
to Abercrombie.

Come inside. Check out
some board shorts.

Hey, Mac!

Hey, dude.
What's up, man?

What up, man?
How's it going?

Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.

You're one of those guys!

l am, yeah.
Yeah.

lt's a pretty good gig.
Yeah.

You'd be surprised,
l actually meet
a shit-ton of girls here.

Not that surprised.

Your body basically
looks like a giant arrow

pointing right
towards your dick.

Oh, my God. Thank you.
No problem, man.

l think that's a compliment.
lt is a compliment.

We went nuts.

lt escalated very quickly.

lt escalated to
a really crazy place.
That was really nuts, man.

How are the guys?

They're all great.
They got a big
house off campus.

Pete's a fancy architect,
designing buildings and stuff.

How's the rest of
post-college life
treating you?

lt's good, man.
l'm having fun.

l realize
l probably should have
studied a little bit more.

Little bit. (LAUGHS)

But l'm going to
night school to
get my degree, so. . .

Awesome, man.
Yeah.

Well, it's still
really good to see you, man.

Great to see you too, buddy.

All right, brother.
Good to see you.

Bring it in for
the real thing.

Nice, okay.
Good to see you, dude.

You know what?
While l'm here. . .

l've always wanted
to do this.

All right. Wow,
you're really going for it.

l'm doing it.
Oh, man.

So, is it our posture?
Why do we look so different?

l don't know, man.
Just be free.

Just kind of let it out.
Okay.

l feel free.

(LAUGHS)

Welcome to
Abercrombie & Fitch.
Can we take your order?

Welcome to
Abercrombie & Fitch.

Abercrombie, Fitch.

Welcome to
Abercrombie & Fitch.
How you doing?

Can we take your order?

We're a great team.
Thanks.

You make the store
more approachable.

What does that mean?

(STAMMERS)

lt's like, l make. . .

l'm a more obtainable goal.

Yeah, you're like
the relaxed-fit jean guy.

Yeah.
l'm the relaxed-fit jeans.

l made some blue meth.
lt's Gatorade.

Oh, perfect! Great.

She's all ready to go.

This is gonna be
the best calendar yet.

Look at that, sweetie.

All right. Let's do it.

Who's my little Heisenberg?
You are!

She's a little meth head.

No, she just makes it.

(COMPUTER RlNGlNG)
Oh. . .

Hey. Look who it is.
J lMMY: What's up, dude?

We're at Burning Man!

Burning Man!

KELLY: Hey!

You guys should come here.

Bring Stella!
You can bring kids!
Bring Stella!

MAC: No.
No, we're making
a Stella calendar.

Yeah, we got six months left.

She's Heisenberg.
She's Walter White.

KELLY: See?
You're such a lame-o!

Don't be so fucking lame!
Totally lame.

lt's awesome!

lt only gets
better and better!

l feel completely comfortable
missing that party. Okay.

We gotta go, okay?
KELLY: We gotta go.

Yeah, have a good one.
Try not to die.

What should we do next?

Don Draper. Yeah.
MAC: Yeah, Don Draper.

Let's get the leading
men out of the way.

l love you.
l love you.

We love you.
We love you.

Little Walter White.
Baby.

J lMMY: Sof hamisschak.
lt means "game over."