Nearlyweds (2013) - full transcript

OH!

THERE'S ONE QUESTION

I ASK EVERY COUPLE
THAT COMES TO ME

TO GET MARRIED:

"DO YOU WANT A WEDDING
OR DO YOU WANT A MARRIAGE?"

THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THE TWO.

♪ ♪

WEDDINGS ARE EASY,

AND THE ONLY WORRY YOU HAVE
IN YOUR LIFE AT THIS MOMENT

IS IF THE FLOWERS ARE PERFECT.

THINGS ARE NEW AND EXCITING,



AND YOU'RE THE CENTER
OF ATTENTION...

♪ ♪

NO PEEKING.

MARK!

YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE ME
BEFORE THE WEDDING.

IT'S BAD LUCK.

AW...

BUT I JUST COULDN'T
WAIT ANOTHER SECOND

TO SEE YOU.

SO...

HOW'D I DO?

IS THIS THE WEDDING
OF YOUR DREAMS, OR WHAT?

IT'S PERFECT.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I WANT.



I KNOW WHAT I WANT.

♪ ♪

[REVEREND MIKE]:
A WEDDING IS A CELEBRATION

FOR THE FAMILIES
OF THE BRIDE AND GROOM

TO COME TOGETHER AS ONE.

THEY SAY
EVERY PEARL A BRIDE WEARS...

REPRESENTS
A TEAR SHE'S GOING TO SHED.

THEY SAY WEARING BLACK
TO A WEDDING

REPRESENTS A MOTHER-IN-LAW

WHO'S NEVER GOING TO BE ALLOWED

TO MEET HER FUTURE
GRANDCHILDREN.

YOU'RE TOTALLY
MAKING THAT UP!

♪ ♪

[REV. MIKE]:
WEDDINGS ARE CELEBRATING

THE BEST IN A COUPLE,

BUT A MARRIAGE IS ABOUT

RECOGNIZING AND UNDERSTANDING
EACH OTHER'S FLAWS...

IT WON'T GO UP.

SUCK IT IN,
SWEETHEART.

...AND WEAKNESSES.

OH, NO! I'M TOO FAT!

I'M TOO FAT FOR THIS DRESS!

I'M JUST A BIG, FAT PIG,

AND NICK IS NOT GONNA
WANT TO MARRY ME,

AND IT'S ALL OVER, AND I...
ARGH!

I HATE
THIS STUPID-UGLY STUPID DRESS!

[GOWN ZIPS UP]

IT WAS JUST
CAUGHT ON A SNAG.

[GASPS]: YAY!
I LOVE MY DRESS!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[REV. MIKE]: BUT NO MATTER
HOW DIFFERENT THE WEDDING

OR HOW DIFFERENT THE BRIDE,

EVERYBODY WANTS
THE SAME THING...

TO BE SWEPT AWAY
IN THE JOY OF THE OCCASION

AND TO SAY...

I DO.

I DO.

I DO.

THEN, BY THE POWER
VESTED IN ME,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
HUSBAND AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

FINALLY. [CHUCKLES]

[REV. MIKE]: BUT WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN THE PARTY'S OVER

AND ALL THAT'S LEFT

ARE THE TWO OF YOU,
TOGETHER,

TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

♪ ♪

[FAMILY AND FRIENDS CHEERING]

[ROARS]: YES!

[REV. MIKE]:
IT TAKES COMMITMENT,

COMPROMISE,

COMMUNICATION,

TO MAKE A MARRIAGE
LAST A LIFETIME.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU
A LITTLE SECRET.

THERE IS MORE JOY TO BE FOUND
IN BEING MARRIED

THAN THERE WAS
IN GETTING MARRIED,

AS LONG AS YOU HAVE LOVE.

WITH LOVE,

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO
BE ALL R... [GASPS]

[GULPS]

[THUD]

REVEREND MIKE!

♪ ♪

[PUPPY YAPPING]

♪ COFFEE TIME ♪

- HEY!
- HI.

HELLO,
MRS. PORTERSON.

OH, ALOHA, MRS. MILLER.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I'VE ONLY GOT A FEW
MINUTES BETWEEN ROUNDS.

THEY HAVE US INTERNS

ON SHORT BREAKS
AND LATE SHIFTS.

I'VE BARELY SEEN DAVID
SINCE OUR HONEYMOON.

MM. THE DAYS OF
CANDLELIGHT DINNERS

AND SLEEPING IN
ARE OVER.

YES. THANK THE LORD
FOR CAFFEINE.

THOSE LOOK
GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT.

YEAH, IF YOU LIKE
LIVER AND PEANUTS.

MM. LIVER I CAN HANDLE,

PEANUT WOULD KILL ME.

STAY BACK!
WE DON'T WANT

A REPEAT OF WHAT HAPPENED
DURING SORORITY RUSH.

YES, ME COLLAPSING
ON THE FLOOR

IN ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK

PROBABLY WOULD NOT
BE GOOD FOR BUSINESS.

HAVE YOU HEARD FROM STELLA?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS
GETTING BACK

FROM HER HONEYMOON
LAST NIGHT.

[DOOR BELL JINGLES]:
♪ HELLO! ♪

WELL, IF IT ISN'T
SADIE AND SADIE,

THE MARRIED LADIES.

HI!

- HI!
- HI.

[ALL GUSHING AND GIGGLING]

CAN YOU BELIEVE
WE DID THIS?

WE'RE ACTUALLY MARRIED!

I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE PULLED OFF

THREE WEDDINGS
IN ONE MONTH.

I'M JUST GLAD
THEY'RE OVER.

OH! ACTUALLY,
THAT REMINDS ME.

I'M JUST GONNA RETURN
MY "SOMETHING BORROWED."

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

THANK YOU,
BY THE WAY.

THAT GARTER WAS A HIT.

HOW WAS YOUR HONEYMOON?

I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN
TO DESCRIBE

HOW AMAZING ST. TROPEZ
IS IN THE SUMMERTIME.

IT WAS JUST SO...

[GRUNTS]: AH!
WHO AM I KIDDING?

MARK AND I DIDN'T
LEAVE OUR HOTEL ROOM.

WHAT ABOUT
YOU AND DAVID?

HOW WAS HAWAII?

OH, GUYS, COME ON!

DON'T YOU DARE FEEL BAD FOR ME.

I'M GOING TO
GO ON A HONEYMOON, TOO,

JUST AS SOON AS NICK LANDS
THE PIEDMONT ACCOUNT.

I MEAN, DO YOU THINK,
IF WE COULD AFFORD A HONEYMOON,

WE'D BE LIVING IN
A STUDIO APARTMENT DOWNSTAIRS?

SPEAKING OF MOVING,

ARE YOU ALL MOVED
INTO THE NEW PLACE?

OH, DAVID AND I HAVE BEEN
LIVING OUT OF BOXES FOR WEEKS.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

BUT, TONIGHT,
WHEN I GET HOME FROM WORK,

WE ARE FINALLY GOING TO
GET SETTLED IN.

IN FACT,
THAT'S IT FOR ME, GIRLS.

BACK TO THE HOSPITAL.

YEAH, GO.

- I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
- YEAH.

- BYE, BABE.
- BYE.

- WELCOME HOME.
- THANK YOU.

OH! YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT REMINDS ME,

I HAVE TO
GET A MOVE-ON, TOO.

I AM BRINGING NICK
HIS LUNCH TODAY.

OH?

WE ARE HAVING...
A ROMANTIC MEAL TOGETHER.

OOH-LA-LA!

NOTHING SAYS "ROMANCE"

LIKE A "WORM" T-SHIRT
AND EATING LUNCH AT A DESK.

OH, WELL...

THEY GAVE ME ONE
FOR EARMITE MEDICINE, TOO.

SHOULD...
SHOULD I CHANGE?

- NO, I'M KIDDING!
- I'LL CHANGE.

I'M KI...
NO, I WAS KIDDING.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL
THE WAY YOU ARE.

[LAUGHS]: LET'S GO.
I GOT TO LOCK UP.

♪ ♪

OH, MY GOSH! CASEY?

ANNA! HE... OH!

[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]: HEY.

HEY-HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE...

AT MY HUSBAND'S OFFICE?

I'M INTERVIEWING
TO BE HIS NEW ASSISTANT!

REALLY?

OH, DON'T WORRY,
SILLY.

I HAVEN'T THOUGHT THAT WAY
ABOUT NICK

SINCE I DUMPED HIM
BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL, REMEMBER?

OH... I REMEMBER.

IT WAS RIGHT AFTER

THE TWO OF YOU WERE CROWNED
"PROM KING AND QUEEN."

AND I COULD NOT
HAVE DONE IT

WITHOUT MY LITTLE
PROJECT MANAGER.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU BET.

ANNA DELANO!
IS THAT YOU?

NICKY, BABY!

YOU LOOK AMAZING!

YOU HAVEN'T
CHANGED A BIT!

HEY, I'M HERE, TOO.

HEY, CASE.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE, BABE?

UM, I-I BROUGHT LUNCH.

OH. WAS THAT TODAY?

I TOTALLY FORGOT.

I LEFT A NOTE THIS MORNING,
ON YOUR STEERING WHEEL.

YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

I JUST...
I'VE BEEN COMPLETELY SWAMPED.

I HAD NO IDEA

IT WAS GONNA BE THIS COMPLICATED
HIRING A SECRETARY.

YEAH, I MEAN, SURE,

YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE
YOU HIRE THE RIGHT PERSON...

SOMEONE WITH
LOTS OF EXPERIENCE...

SECRETARIAL EXPERIENCE,
I MEAN.

OH, CASEY,
YOU REMEMBER ANNA, DON'T YOU?

MM-HMM.

SHE'S HERE TO INTERVIEW
FOR THE JOB,

OUR ARCHITECT RECOMMENDED HER.

SMALL WORLD, RIGHT?

YEAH. [FORCED CHUCKLE]

THANKS FOR
UNDERSTANDING, BABE.

CAN I GET A RAINCHECK?

OH! SURE. I...

I REALLY SHOULD BE GETTING
BACK TO THE STORE ANYWAY.

I WILL SEE YOU AT HOME...

HUSBAND,
DEAR HUSBAND OF MINE.

CIAO.

OH, HEY, CASE?

YES?

COULD YOU...
COULD YOU LEAVE THE FOOD?

WHAT?

I'M STARVED.

OH. OH! SURE.

THANKS. LOVE YOU!

DO I SMELL
MEATBALLS?

OH, YOU LIKE MEATBALLS?

LOVE THEM!

AWESOME! WELL, WE CAN
HAVE SOME IN MY OFFICE.

OH, MY GOSH!
YOU HAVE AN OFFICE?

- YEAH.
- OH, MY GOSH!

♪ ♪

[MARK]:
STELLA, I'M HOME.

WHERE'S
MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE?

I'M IN HERE!

HELLO.

SAY IT AGAIN.

"IT AGAIN."

NO, THAT I'M YOUR WIFE.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

MWAH! WELL, WIFE...

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN HERE?

WELL, I WAS JUST
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT TO DO WITH THE ROOM,

AND I THINK
I CAME UP A DECISION.

YES?

I WAS THINKING
MAYBE, UM, SHELVES OVER HERE,

AND A FILING CABINET HERE,

AND THEN MAYBE A DESK
FOR HERE, BY THE WINDOW.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

FOR MY OFFICE!

DO YOU THINK THE DESK
SHOULD MAYBE BE SOMEWHERE ELSE?

YEAH. IN ANOTHER ROOM.

THIS IS GOING TO
BE THE NURSERY.

FOR WHAT? PLANTS?

THE BABY.

WHAT BABY?

OUR BABY.

OH, WE HAVE A BABY?

NOT YET,

BUT HOPEFULLY SOON.

MARK.

MARK, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, WE ALWAYS SAID

THAT WE WERE GOING TO
START TRYING

WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.

YEAH,
BUT NOT THREE WEEKS AFTER.

I WAS THINKING MORE LIKE
IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.

MM...

WHY WAIT?

[SHE CHUCKLES]

HEY, DAVID?

YEAH?

I THINK THE MOVERS
MADE A MISTAKE.

THIS BOX IS FILLED WITH
CAT FIGURINES AND MOTHBALLS,

AND SOME DUSTY OLD CANDY.

I, UH, I THINK, UH...

I THINK THAT ONE
MAY BE... MY MOM'S.

WELL, WHY WOULD
YOUR MOTHER'S STUFF

BE MIXED IN
WITH OUR BOXES?

HMM?

NO.

NO WAY!

YOUR MOTHER'S NOT
MOVING IN WITH US.

ERIN, IT'S ONLY GONNA BE
FOR A FEW MONTHS.

MAYBE A YEAR, TOPS.

WHY ON EARTH WOULD
YOUR MOTHER MOVE IN WITH US?

YOU REMEMBER
HOW DEPRESSED SHE GOT

AFTER THE WEDDING?

SHE DECIDED

TO COMPLETELY GUT
HER CONDO.

I MEAN, NEW KITCHEN,
NEW BATHROOM,

AND THEN SHE ASKED
IF SHE COULD MOVE...

IN WITH US.

AND YOU AGREED?

♪ ♪

HOW COULD YOU
LET THIS HAPPEN?

I KNOW, I KNOW,
BUT SHE'S MY MOM.

I MEAN, SHE GAVE US
THE DOWNPAYMENT FOR THIS HOUSE.

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO TELL HER?

TELL HER
TO CHECK IN TO A HOTEL.

COME ON, ERIN!

NO, DAVID. I'VE BEEN
MORE THAN ACCOMMODATING

WHEN IT COMES TO
YOUR MOTHER'S ANTICS,

BUT THIS IS
TOO MUCH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
HER "ANTICS"?

DID I SAY ANYTHING

WHEN SHE STARTED CRYING
AT OUR REHEARSAL DINNER

BECAUSE SHE WAS, QUOTE,
"LOSING HER ONLY CHILD FOREVER?"

NO.

DID I SAY ANYTHING
WHEN SHE SHOWED UP

TO OUR WEDDING
DRESSED LIKE A SICILIAN WIDOW?

- NO.
- DID I SAY ANYTHING...

WHEN SHE INTERRUPTED
OUR FIRST DANCE

AND STARTED ASKING US
WHEN WE WERE

GOING TO START
TRYING TO CONCEIVE?

NO, BUT SHE'S...

FACE IT, DAVID.

SHE MANIPULATED YOU
INTO DOING THIS.

HANG ON A SECOND.

MY MOTHER
DOES NOT MANIPULATE ME.

[DOOR OPENS]: DAVID!

YOO-HOO! DAVID!

I'M HOME!

OH, THERE YOU TWO
LOVEBIRDS ARE.

THIS HOUSE
IS JUST DARLING.

MY SON'S FIRST HOME!

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!

NOW, WHERE'S
THE TELEVISION?

JEOPARDY'S ON.

OH.

ERIN, DEAR.

I'M SURE YOU WANT

TO, UH, MAKE YOURSELF
PRESENTABLE BEFORE DINNER.

[SIGHS]

NICE TO SEE YOU TOO, RENEE.

UM...

DAVID MENTIONED TO ME

THAT YOU WOULD LIKE
TO COME STAY WITH US.

I KNOW!
ISN'T IT FUN?

[FORCED CHUCKLED]

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ALWAYS
WELCOME IN OUR HOME,

BUT SEEING AS WE HAVEN'T
UNPACKED OURSELVES...

DON'T WORRY, DEAR.

I KNOW YOU NEWLYWEDS
NEED YOUR PRIVACY.

I'LL STAY OUT OF
YOUR HAIR.

HMM. OKAY. UM...

THIS IS THE FIRST I'VE
HEARD ABOUT THIS, RENEE.

CALL ME "MOM"!

RENEE, I'M SO SORRY.

YOU CANNOT LIVE HERE.

OH.

'COURSE,
I UNDERSTAND, DEAR.

I'LL LEAVE AT ONCE.

♪ ♪

[FRUSTRATED SIGH]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS RESENTFULLY]

I THINK ALL THE SHELTERS ARE
PROBABLY CLOSED FOR THE NIGHT,

BUT I THINK SOMEWHERE
I COULD FIND A...

[VOICE CRACKS]: ...A PARK BENCH
TO HUDDLE ON.

I'M NOT SAYING YOU HAVE
TO SLEEP ON A PARK BENCH.

NO, NO. YOU DON'T WANT AN...
[SNIFFS, THEN SOBS]

...AN OLD... [WEEPS]
...LONELY WIDOW

INTRUDING ON YOUR HAPPINESS.

[GROANS THEATRICALLY]

MOM?

ARE YOU OKAY?

[RENEE]:
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, DEAR.

GIVE ME THIS.

I'LL BE FINE. [SIGHS]

OKAY, I'M GOING TO
HELP YOU TO YOUR ROOM.

ALL RIGHT.
[SIGHS, FRAUGHT]

WE WOULD
LOVE TO HAVE YOU.

♪ ♪

[CONSOLINGLY]:
YOU'RE OKAY.

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

[BOXING MATCH PLAYS
ON TELEVISION]

HEY, NICK.

[MOUTH FULL]: HEY, GORGEOUS.

[TURNS VOLUME OFF]

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

WHAT'S IN MY HAND?

NICK, YOU KNOW I'M OFF CARBS.

OH! OH, SORRY,
WAS THAT A...

WAS THAT A REAL THING?

[LAUGHS]: YEAH.

NO, IT'S FINE.

I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY ANYWAY.

OH, JUST PLEASE TELL ME

YOU FIXED THE FAUCETS
IN THE BATHROOM.

BECAUSE I AM
COVERED IN DOG DROOL

AND I NEED TO SCRUB
EVERY INCH OF MY BODY.

YUP, ALL FIXED.

OKAY.

[TURNS VOLUME ON]

OH! WHAT?

[YELLS]: NICK!

YEAH?

[TURNS VOLUME OFF]

UM...
WHAT IS THIS... DEAR?

OH, IT'S GREAT,
ISN'T IT?

LOOK, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS MAKE SURE
THIS METAL NUB HERE

IS CLAMPED DOWN,
AND THEN YOU TWIST.

AND IF YOU WANT IT HOTTER,

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS BRING IT BACK
AND TWIST AGAIN. HERE.

[CREAKING]

[SHOWER PELTING]

OH, WOW, THAT...
THAT IS VERY...

RESOURCEFUL.

YEAH.

I, UH, FIXED THE DRIP
IN THE SINK, TOO.

SO THERE'S
NO PLUMBER COMING?

BABY, WHY WOULD WE
SPEND MONEY ON A PLUMBER

IF I CAN FIX IT
MYSELF, HUH?

YOU'RE WELCOME.

[GRUNTS]

♪ ♪

BETTER?

MUCH.

HEY, WHO DID YOU
END UP HIRING

AS YOUR NEW ASSISTANT?

ANNA. DUH.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE
KIDDING ME!

WHY? WHAT'S WRONG
WITH ANNA?

SERIOUSLY?
ANNA DELANO?

WITH THE LINGERING HUGS

AND THE MEATBALLS
AND THE...

SHE WAS HUNGRY.

I WAS HUNGRY, NICK!

[STYROFOAM CRUNCHING]

WHA... WHY IS THIS
A BIG DEAL?

BECAUSE YOU DATED HER
FOR THREE YEARS!

IN HIGH SCHOOL!

YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL
ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL.

SEVEN YEARS AGO!

SHE TORMENTED ME!

AND SHE BROKE MY HEART...

SHE BROKE YOUR HEART?

WELL... [SIGHS]

SHE WAS MY FIRST LOVE.

YOU KNOW THAT.

OH, COME ON, BABE.

THAT WAS JUST PUPPY-LOVE.

NOT LIKE US...

WE GOT BIG-DOG LOVE.

I'M TALKING LABRADOR-LOVE.

NO. GREAT DANE-LOVE.

OKAY? COME HERE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT
THE POINT, NICK!

THEN WHAT'S THE POINT?

YOU'RE JEALOUS?

[SCOFFS BITTERLY]

YOU... COME ON, CASE.

SHE'S THE BEST SECRETARY
I SAW.

SHE CAN TYPE,

AND PLUS, SHE'S WILLING
TO WORK LONG HOURS.

OH, I BET SHE IS!

WHAT WAS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT,
FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF.

YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT.

DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'RE OVERREACTING JUST A BIT?

[CASEY TURNS ON WATER,
SHRIEKS IN TERROR]

[SHUTS WATER OFF]

[BLURTS]: AM I?

CASEY, ANNA PALES IN...

[SNICKERING]:
...COMPARISON TO YOU.

WHAT... WHAT...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I JUST CAN'T
LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW.

AND SINCE WE DON'T
HAVE A BEDROOM

WITH A DOOR
THAT I CAN SHUT,

I'M GONNA GO SLEEP
UPSTAIRS IN THE STORE.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA
LET YOU SLEEP

IN THE DOGHOUSE
ALL NIGHT.

FINE! THEN YOU GO!

FINE!

WHA... WHAT? N... NO! I...

FINE! BUT CAN I AT LEAST
PUT PANTS ON FIRST?

NO!

[NICK FUMES]

[WORDS CATCH, SIGHS]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

ARE YOU
OPENING MY MAIL?

OH, SILLY ME.

I FORGOT THERE ARE
TWO "MRS. MILLERS"

IN THE HOUSE NOW.

CAN I HAVE
MY MAIL, PLEASE?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IS IT?

ARE YOU BEING SUED
FOR MALPRACTICE?

WHAT? NO.

IT'S NOTHING.

[BELL JINGLES]

THANKS.

♪ ♪

[DOOR CREAKS AND JINGLES SHUT]

♪ ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

HEY, CASEY.

STELLA,
DID YOU GET THE LETTER?

WHAT LETTER?

YOU NEED TO CHECK
YOUR MAIL NOW!

LOOK FOR A LETTER

FROM THE COUNTY
CLERK'S OFFICE.

OH, WHAT? DID OUR MARRIAGE
LICENSES FINALLY GET DELIVERED?

I'D LAUGH AT THAT STATEMENT
IF I WASN'T DYING INSIDE.

- [SNAPS]: HEY! NO FREE SAMPLES!
- [DOG WHINES]

ERIN'S ON HER WAY,

SO YOU'D BETTER GET
YOUR BUTT OVER HERE, PRONTO.

[CLAPS PHONE SHUT
AND HUFFS]

♪ ♪

"THIS IS TO INFORM YOU
THAT YOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE..."

"...WAS NOT
PROPERLY SIGNED

AND FILED IN ACCORDANCE
WITH STATE LAW."

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

IT MEANS WE'RE IN TROUBLE.

NONE OF US
ARE LEGALLY MARRIED.

I CANNOT BELIEVE
THAT REVEREND MIKE IS DEAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIED

BEFORE SIGNING ANY OF
OUR MARRIAGE LICENSES.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

NONE OF US ARE
ACTUALLY MARRIED.

HOW COULD THIS
HAPPEN?

WE NEEDED
REVEREND MIKE'S SIGNATURES

ON THE LICENSES
TO MAKE THEM LEGAL.

IT SAYS HE HAD A MONTH'S WORTH
OF BACKLOGGED PAPERWORK

WAITING TO BE SIGNED.

AND WE ALL JUST
HAD TO BE...

[TOGETHER, BITTERLY]:
...JUNE BRIDES.

THIS IS
UNBELIEVABLE.

WELL, WE'D BETTER BELIEVE IT,

AND WE BETTER FIGURE OUT WHAT
WE'RE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT.

OH, WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

I'M GONNA CALL MARK
AND GET HIM TO MEET ME

AT THE COURTHOUSE
THIS MINUTE

SO I CAN DO THIS WHOLE
THING OVER AGAIN.

I'M IN NO RUSH
TO MARRY DAVID AGAIN,

AFTER I FOUND OUT THAT
HE AND "MOMMIE DEAREST"

ARE A PACKAGE DEAL.

I CAN'T TELL NICK.

AFTER THE FIGHT
WE HAD LAST NIGHT,

I DON'T KNOW
IF HE'LL MARRY ME AGAIN.

HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

HE HIRED EVIL ANNA
AS HIS NEW SECRETARY.

- NO.
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

WHO'S ANNA?

I AM!

[ALL]: ANNA!

[DOOR JINGLES]

WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?

[STAMMERS] UH...

THAT IS SO SWEET!

SO, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

OH!

I FOUND THIS LITTLE GUY
ON THE STREET

AND HE STARTED
FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE,

JUST LIKE NICK USED TO DO
IN HIGH SCHOOL. REMEMBER?

SO, I CALLED NICK.

OF COURSE YOU DID.

AND HE TOLD ME
THAT YOU RUN A POUND!

I DON'T
RUN A "POUND."

OR A SHELTER OR WHATEVER,
SO... HERE YOU GO!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"HERE YOU GO"?

I MEAN, TAKE HIM.
HE'S YOURS.

OOH...

HMM?

OH... UM...

NO, THANKS.
PEANUT ALLERGY.

OH, GOOD. MM.

I DON'T RUN A POUND.

BUT YOU'RE GOING TO
TAKE THE DOG, RIGHT?

-NO.
-YES.
-NO.

- YES.
- NO.

YES.

NO-O-O.

OKAY THEN, WHATEVER YOU SAY.

♪ ♪

[DOOR CREAKS AND JINGLES]

HA! I WIN!

CASE, YOU DO KNOW
SHE LEFT THE DOG, RIGHT?

WHAT?

[WHINES]

I TOLD YOU SHE WAS EVIL!

TRUE...
BUT HE IS ADORABLE!

HELLO. COME HERE.

HI-I-I!

YOU ARE SO CUTE'N'PUFFY!

YOU'RE A LITTLE PUFFY-WUFFY,
AREN'T YOU?

OH, YOU'RE JUST
MY LITTLE CUDDLEPUFF!

WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW, I MEAN,
I CAN'T KEEP HIM.

MY LANDLORD
BARELY TOLERATES

DOGS COMING
INTO THE STORE.

WELL, YOU CAN'T
SEND HIM TO THE POUND.

NO. UNTIL I TRACK DOWN
HIS REAL OWNER,

I'LL JUST HAVE TO
FIND SOMEONE TO KEEP HIM.

[CHILD-LIKE SING-SONG]:
♪ YOU ARE SO CUTE ♪

♪ YOU ARE MY LITTLE BABY ♪

I'M GONNA DRESS YOU UP
IN ALL SORTS OF CLOTHES.

[DOG YAPS]

COME ON!
GIVE ME LITTLE KISSES.

HELLO!

[GASPS] HI!

HI! [GIGGLES]

ARE YOU THIRSTY, BABY?

WANT ME TO GET YOU SOME WATER?

GO ON.

OH! YOU'RE SO CUTE.

OH, YAY. WE CAN FINALLY USE
SOME OF THE WEDDING CHINA.

DON'T TELL MARK

THAT I'M GIVING A DOG
THIS BOWL, OKAY?

ACTUALLY...

I THINK IT'S THE UGLIEST THING
I'VE EVER SEEN.

HIS AUNT ERIKA
SENT IT TO US.

BUT DON'T TELL HIM THAT, EITHER.

[SIGHS HAPPILY]: BUT YOU CAN
MAKE ANYTHING LOOK CUTE,

COULDN'T YOU,
LITTLE PUFFY-WUFFY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST THE CUTEST
LITTLE BABY I'VE EVER SE...

♪ ♪

PUFFY!

WHAT DID YOU DO?

♪ ♪

[LINE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING OVER BLARING TV]

[RINGING]

[RENEE]: HELLO?

[TV CONTINUES PLAYING]

ERIN, IS THAT YOU?

RENEE?

CALL ME "MOM."

WHO ELSE WOULD BE

ANSWERING YOUR PHONE
THIS TIME OF NIGHT?

MY HUSBAND MIGHT.

OH, HE'S BEEN
ASLEEP SINCE 8:00.

HE WORKS SO HARD
AT THE OFFICE,

AND PITCHES IN
AROUND HERE, TOO,

SINCE YOU'RE ALWAYS TOO BUSY
TO KEEP HOUSE.

[CRUNCHING]

OKAY, WELL,
I NEED TO SPEAK WITH HIM

ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

WOULD YOU KNOCK
ON THE BEDROOM DOOR

AND ASK HIM
TO PICK UP THE PHONE?

OH, I JUST COULDN'T.

BUT I'LL TELL HIM YOU CALLED

WHEN HE WAKES UP
TOMORROW MORNIN'.

HOW'S THAT?

RENEE, I NEED...

YOU KNOW,
DAVID AND I HAD

THE MOST WONDERFUL
TIME TOGETHER TONIGHT.

WE SAT
IN THE LIVIN' ROOM,

AND JUST CHATTED
AND TALKED, AND...

AH, IT WAS JUST
LIKE OLD TIMES.

MAY I SPEAK WITH MY HUSBAND?

PLEASE?

DON'T BE SELFISH, DARLING.

[FUMES IN RAGE]

[PHONE BEEPS]

[TV BLARING]

[CACKLES]

[MARK]:
STELLA? I'M HOME!

[DOG STARTS YAPPING,
MARK YELPS]

[STUMBLING, FEROCIOUS BARKING]

[ROARS]: STELLA!

[BARKING]

STELLA!

STELLA, GET THIS THING
OFF OF ME!

STELLA!

GET IT OFF OF ME!

WHAT THE...

GET IT OFF!

PUFFY!

- [MARK WHIMPERS]
- PUFFY!

- [YAPPING]
- COME HERE.

GET IT...

[GRUNTS]

OH! HE LIKES YOU!

WHAT IS THAT...
CREATURE DOING IN HERE?

IT'S A LONG STORY.

UM, YOU'RE NOT
ALLERGIC TO DOGS, RIGHT?

NO.

OH, THAT'S GOOD!

BUT I HATE THEM.

OH, NOT SO GOOD. WHY?

[TINKLING]

NO SELF-CONTROL.

[STIFLES LAUGHTER]

PUFFY! NO!

[NICK SIGHS WEARILY]

HEY, BEAUTIFUL.

HEY.

HOW WAS WORK?

AW, COME ON, CASE.

I'M SORRY IF I UPSET YOU
BY HIRING ANNA.

I KNOW YOU TWO DIDN'T
GET ALONG IN HIGH SCHOOL.

SHE TORTURED ME. DAILY.

SHE'S A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW,
I SWEAR.

[SCOFFS]

YOU HUNGRY?

I BROUGHT YOU SOME DINNER BACK
FROM THE WHITE BIRCH.

ARE YOU TRYING TO
BUY MY FORGIVENESS WITH FOOD?

IS IT... WORKING?

DEPENDS ON
IF YOU ALSO BROUGHT ME DESSERT.

[DOOR CREAKS]

DAVID?

[WHISPERS]:
GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.

♪ ♪

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT A DOG
WITHOUT CONSULTING ME FIRST.

WELL, I MEAN, I DIDN'T
ACTUALLY "GET" HIM,

WE'RE JUST TAKING CARE
OF HIM FOR A FEW DAYS

UNTIL WE FIND HIS OWNERS.

PLEASE?

HOW COULD I SAY NO TO YOU?

[LAUGHS]

GO AHEAD.

I SAW IT
AND I THOUGHT OF YOU.

- WHAT IS IT?
- MM.

IS IT A PASHMINA?

♪ MM-MM, MM-MM, MM-MM, MM ♪

IS IT SOMETHING
NAUGHTY?

MM-HMM.

WOW...

I THINK IT'S
A LITTLE SMALL FOR ME.

IT'S FOR OUR BABY, SILLY.

[SNICKERS]

MARK.

WE JUST GOT MARRIED
A MONTH AGO.

YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY
THINK WE'RE READY

TO START TRYING.

I'M READY,

AND I'M NOT GETTING
ANY YOUNGER.

OH! YOU'RE SERIOUS?

MM-HMM.

I DON'T WANT TO
HAVE A BABY YET.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
MY CLOCK IS TICKING.

I'M ONLY 27!

AND THE YOUNGER YOU ARE,

THE MORE YOUR BODY
WILL RECOVER FROM THE TRAUMA

AND THE QUICKER YOU LOSE
THAT EXCESS BODY WEIGHT.

EXCUSE ME?

[QUICKLY]: I LOVE YOU!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

WHAT'S THAT THING
DOING IN HERE?

SHH! BABY IS SLEEPING!

I DON'T WANT
AN ANIMAL IN MY BED.

GET HIM OUT!

WELL, YOU CAN'T
ALWAYS GET

WHAT YOU WANT,
CAN YOU?

YOU REMEMBERED
ABOUT THE NO-CARBS.

OF COURSE I DID.

LISTEN,
THERE'S SOMETHING

I NEED TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT.

UH-OH.

NO, IT'S NOT BAD.

I MEAN, IT ISN'T GOOD,
BUT IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

IT'S JUST...
WE GOT A LETTER TODAY

FROM THE COUNTY CLERK'S
OFFICE, AND...

WAIT. THAT'S NOT
YOUR SIGNATURE.

IT'S NOT
WHAT YOU THINK.

[AGHAST]: YOU HAD
DINNER WITH ANNA?

OKAY, IT IS WHAT YOU THINK.

BUT, UH... I BROUGHT YOU
THE LEFTOVERS!

[PUFF]

I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE AGAIN,
AREN'T I?

LITERALLY.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

WANNA PLAY "DOCTOR"?

YES.

I DO.

♪ ♪

DAVID?

OOH! OH.

MOM! WHAT THE HECK
ARE YOU DOING?

OH, DON'T MIND ME.

I JUST CAME TO
GET YOUR TROUSERS.

WHAT?

I JUST NEED TO PRESS THEM
BEFORE YOUR BIG MEETING TODAY.

IT'S 6:00 IN THE MORNING,
MOM, COME ON!

I'M SORRY!

I JUST CAN'T
SLEEP PAST DAWN

SINCE YOUR FATHER DIED.

OKAY, OKAY,
JUST TAKE THE PANTS AND GO.

[AWKWARD CHUCKLING]

OH, HOW DO YOU
WANT YOUR EGGS?

SCRAMBLED!

OKAY.

[CHUCKLES]: OH, GOD.

WHOA, WHOA! HEY!

WAIT! WHERE'RE YOU GOING?

I THOUGHT WE WERE...

MAKING A HOUSE-CALL?

WHY DON'T YOU
HAVE YOUR MOMMY

MAKE AN APPOINTMENT
LATER?

ERIN.

ERIN?

OH, SO, I WAS LOOKING
ON THE INTERNET THIS MORNING,

JUST BROWSING,

AND I SAW THAT
THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM

HAS AN OPENING
FOR AN ASSISTANT CURATOR.

STELLA,
YOU'D BE PERFECT!

WHO SAYS A DEGREE
IN ART HISTORY

WAS A WASTE
OF TUITION?

I KNOW, RIGHT!

BUT MARK WANTS TO START
HAVING BABIES RIGHT AWAY.

YOU CAN WAIT
TO HAVE A BABY.

YEAH, I KNOW, THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.

[LOCKED DOOR RATTLES]

[KNOCKING]

HUH, THAT'S WEIRD.

CASEY WAS SUPPOSED TO
OPEN UP AN HOUR AGO.

LET'S CHECK DOWNSTAIRS.

[KNOCKS AND OPENS DOOR]

CASEY?

I'M OVER HERE.

OH, SWEET LORD...

WHAT HAPPENED?
CASEY?

ARE YOU OKAY?

EVERY TIME I FINISH
A TUBE OF COOKIE DOUGH,

I THINK I'VE REACHED
THE LOW POINT...

AND THEN I FIND
ANOTHER ONE IN THE FREEZER.

IS THAT COOKIE DOUGH
IN YOUR HAIR?

[CREAM-MUFFLED]:
MM. PROBABLY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

[BANGS CAN DOWN]

HE TOOK HER FOR DINNER

AND THEN BROUGHT ME
THE LEFTOVERS.

- NO WAY!
- SHUT UP!

YEAH. I MEAN,
AM I BEING THAT WIFE?

IT'S JUST...

WHEN I SAW HER...

WHEN I THINK OF HER...

I JUST THINK OF HIGH SCHOOL.

AND I KNOW IT'S WRONG AND STUPID
AND I SHOULD BE OVER IT,

BUT SHE'S MORE BEAUTIFUL NOW
THAN SHE EVER WAS.

NOW HE GETS TO SPEND
ALL DAY AT WORK WITH HER,

AND HE WOULDN'T EVEN
TAKE ME ON A HONEYMOON.

CASEY, STOP.

NICK LOVES YOU.

YEAH.

BUT HE DOESN'T NOTICE ME,
NOT WITH ANNA AROUND.

I MEAN, HOW AM I
SUPPOSED TO COMPETE

WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

WITH THE BOOBS
THAT DON'T NEED A PUSH-UP BRA

AND HER STUPID FACE

THAT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS
MAKE-UP ON IT

EVEN WHEN IT DOESN'T.

I JUST...

I'M STILL FEEL LIKE

THAT UGLY GIRL
WITH THE FAT CHIN

AND ACNE AND THE...

OH-KAY, CASEY.

LISTEN TO ME
FOR A SECOND.

LOOK, EVEN THOUGH

YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A LITTLE... CHUBBY,

YOU WERE STILL

ONE OF THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS

IN THAT SCHOOL.

YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY

TO THE FAT GIRLS
IN BAD SITCOMS.

OKAY, CASEY, ENOUGH!

OKAY, WHEN I LOOK AT YOU,

I SEE THIS SEXY AND SMART
PROFESSIONAL WOMAN,

AND YOU NEED TO SEE
YOURSELF THAT WAY, TOO.

YOU KNOW WHO COULD
HELP MAKE THAT HAPPEN?

WHO?

[TOGETHER]: SEBASTIEN!

WAIT. WHO IS SEBASTIEN?

♪ ♪

STYLISTS! CODE RED!

LET'S GET
THIS PARTY STARTED.

SEBASTIEN'S TALKIN'
TOTAL MAKEOVER!

♪ ...MARCHIN' TO
THE RHYTHM OF THE DRUM ♪

♪ BUT I HEAR
A DIFFERENT VOICE INSIDE ♪

♪ TELLIN' ME
TO STAND MY GROUND ♪

♪ I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE
TO STAND IN LINE ♪

♪ AND WAIT FOR MY TURN... ♪

♪ SO I'M... ♪

♪ DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE ♪

♪ DO BETTER THAN
I'VE EVER DONE... ♪

LADIES, MAY I PRESENT...

CASEY...

2.0!

[ALL APPLAUDING]

NOW LET'S GO SHOPPING!

♪ ♪

♪ DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE ♪

♪ DO BETTER THAN
I'VE EVER DONE ♪

♪ DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA SHINE BRIGHTER
THAN I'VE EVER SHONE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA PLAY HARDER
THAN I'VE EVER KNOWN ♪

♪ I'M GONNA SING LOUDER
THAN I'VE EVER SUNG ♪

♪ I'M GONNA DO BETTER
THAN I'VE EVER DONE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA... ♪

OH, ERIN, I WAS
GONNA TELL YOU,

THEY JUST OPENED
A SENIORS' CENTER DOWNTOWN.

MAYBE IT'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD LOOK INTO.

OH, THANKS, STELLA,

BUT MY SPECIALTY
IS ACTUALLY PEDIATRICS,

NOT GERIATRICS.

NOT FOR YOUR WORK,
YA GOOBER!

FOR YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW!

THEY'S ALL KINDS OF
GAMES AND ACTIVITIES

FOR OLD PEOPLE.

THAT'S THE BEST IDEA
I'VE EVER HEARD.

MAYBE IF SHE FOUND
SOME NEW FRIENDS,

SHE WOULDN'T BE
SO DEPENDENT ON DAVID.

THE MINUTE
WE'RE DONE HERE,

I'M GOING TO GO
SIGN HER UP

FOR EVERYTHING.

I CAN'T WAIT
TO SHOW NICK MY NEW LOOK

AND MAKE HIM THINK
ANNA DELANO NEVER EXISTED.

DO ME A FAVOR FIRST?

- YEAH?
- BURN THAT SHIRT.

I LIKE THIS SHIRT.

IT'S UGLY.

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

HEY, CASEY!

ANNA.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?

OH... GEE, THANKS.

NO! I MEAN, IT LOOKS GOOD.

REALLY. I'M NOT
JUST SAYING THAT.

CAN I HELP YOU
WITH SOMETHING?

NO, THANK YOU.

DO YOU WANT ME TO GIVE
NICK A MESSAGE FOR YOU?

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO DO ANYTHING...

OOH. OOH...

...EXCEPT FOR YOU
TO MOVE OUT OF MY WAY

AND LET ME SEE MY HUSBAND!

HE'S NOT HERE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

♪ ♪

OH.

HE'S IN A MEETING
ABOUT THE PIEDMONT DEAL.

WILL YOU JUST PLEASE
LET HIM KNOW

THAT HE HAS A BIG SURPRISE
WAITING FOR HIM

WHEN HE GETS HOME.

OH, HE'S GOT A REALLY BUSY DAY.

WHO KNOWS
WHEN HE'LL GET HOME?

[FORCED CHUCKLE]

♪ ♪

- BYE, CASEY!
- MM-HMM.

THIS MAC-AND-CHEESE
IS AMAZING.

I USED
SHAVED PECORINO

AND JUST A DASH
OF TRUFFLE OIL.

I KNOW YOU'D BE SATISFIED

WITH THAT ORANGE ATROCITY
THAT COMES OUT OF A BOX,

BUT... [SIGHS GRANDLY]

YOU KNOW ME,
DELUSIONS OF JULIA CHILD.

I'LL ADMIT IT,
YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.

[CLEARS HIS THROAT]

YOU KNOW, I HAPPEN
TO LIKE THE ORANGE STUFF.

AND ERIN

IS TOO BUSY
SAVING LIVES TO COOK,

SO I WOULD SAY THAT'S
A PRETTY GOOD TRADE.

I'D HARDLY CALL
PASSING OUT ASPIRIN

AND GETTING URINE SAMPLES
"SAVING LIVES."

SO, SOME FUN NEWS,
RENEE...

CALL ME "MOM."

MY FRIEND STELLA
TOLD ME ABOUT

A NEW SENIOR CENTER
THAT THEY JUST OPENED

ON 6TH STREET,

SO I SIGNED YOU UP
FOR SOME ACTIVITIES.

YOU SIGNED ME UP?

WI... WITHOUT
CONSULTING ME FIRST?

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT!

THEY HAVE A BRIDGE CLUB,

WATER AEROBICS
A QUILTING CIRCLE...

QUILTING?

EXACTLY HOW ANCIENT
DO YOU THINK I AM, DEAR?

OKAY, IF YOU DON'T
LIKE THAT,

THEN THERE ARE
SOCIAL EVENTS TOO

NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT,

THERE IS A SENIORS'
SINGLE-MINGLE.

WHY, TO EVEN SUGGEST

THAT I WOULD PARTAKE
IN SOMETHING SO...

TACKY!

OKAY, UH, I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE
FUN FOR YOU TO GO

AND MEET
SOME NEW PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER
LEAVE THE HOUSE.

IF I'M SUCH AN IMPOSITION,

I'LL PACK MY BAGS
AND LEAVE TONIGHT,

JUST SAY THE WORD.

NO, MOM.
WE DO NOT... [SIGHS]

DAVID.

THIS WOULD BE
GOOD FOR HER,

AND IT WOULD BE
GOOD FOR US.

I DON'T KNOW.

MOM?

♪ ♪

MARK, YOU LOCKED
PUFFY IN THE BASEMENT?

'CAUSE IT WAS
DRIVING ME CRAZY.

SKITTERING
AROUND EVERYWHERE,

DROOLING AND BARKING.

- "HE."
- HUH?

OUR DOG IS A "HE,"
NOT AN "IT."

IT'S NOT OUR DOG!

PUFFY! HI!

HI!

OH, HI!

- [PUFFY WHINES]
- OHH...

IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO

WHEN OUR BABY'S
SKITTERING AROUND,

DROOLING AND BARKING?

YOU MEAN CRYING?

WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WELL, I LEFT THE LIGHT ON.
[CHUCKLES]

NOT FUNNY.

AWW, YOU POOR BABY.

DID MEAN OL' MARK
LOCK YOU IN THE BASEMENT?

IT'S OKAY.
MOMMY'S HERE.

[LAUGHING]

MOMMY'S HERE.

WHAT?

YOU SAID "MOMMY."

I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.

[HUFFS] COME ON, PUFFY.

I THINK YOU AND I
NEED TO HAVE A WALK.

♪ ♪

AND NICK GOT HOME
SO LATE FROM WORK,

HE DIDN'T EVEN
NOTICE MY HAIR.

AND THE MAKEUP?

ALREADY WASHED OFF.

HERE, I'LL GO PUT SOME
ACROSS THE STREET.

[STAPLER CLACKS
AS CAR ENGINE ROARS]

STELLA!

[YELPS AS TIRES SCREECH]

I AM SO SORRY!

NO! I AM SO SORRY.
I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK!

NO. I AM SORRY.
ARE YOU... ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, YEAH. I'M FINE.

- ARE YOU SURE?
- YES.

- YOU'RE OKAY?
- I'M OKAY.

YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD STOP TRAFFIC

WITH JUST YOUR SMILE.

THERE'S NO REASON
TO RISK YOUR LIFE, TOO.

BYE.

♪ ♪

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

WELL, IF YOU'RE
GONNA BE RUN OVER,

IT MIGHT AS WELL BE

BY SOMEONE
WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT.

[PHONE RINGS]

IT'S THE CHERAMOYA
MUSEUM!

THE INTERVIEW.

I'M FREAKING OUT.
WHAT DO I DO?

ANSWER IT!

OKAY, OKAY. AHEM!

HELLO?
STELLA SPEAKING.

♪ ♪

[HORN BEEPS]

[STELLA]: I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY WANT TO MEET ME RIGHT AWAY!

CASEY, STEP ON IT.

[STELLA GRUNTING]

ERIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR LENDING ME THIS SUIT.

WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE!

LOOK, STELLA,
CALM DOWN.

I CAN'T CALM DOWN.

THE ASSISTANT CURATOR
POSITION AT THE CHERAMOYA

IS MY DREAM JOB,
AND I'M GOING TO MISS IT.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

WE'RE GONNA BE FIVE
MINUTES EARLY. I PROMISE.

YOU DRIVE, YOU CHANGE,

AND I'LL PRAY WE DON'T GET
INTO AN ACCIDENT AND DIE.

♪ ♪

STELLA!

THANK YOU!

BREAK A LEG.

THANKS, GUYS.

KNOCK 'EM DEAD!

♪ ♪

SIR? HUMAN RESOURCES?

THANK YOU.

♪ ♪

SORRY.

HI. I'M HERE

FOR THE ASSISTANT CURATOR
POSITION.

[QUIET CONVERSATION IN KITCHEN]

[RENEE CHUCKLES WARMLY]

OH!

- ERIN, YOU'RE HOME.
- HELLO.

JUST IN TIME TO MEET

HENRY, MY PARTNER
AT BRIDGE CLUB TODAY.

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER-
IN-LAW, ERIN.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

REALLY. RENEE DIDN'T MENTION
HER SON WAS MARRIED.

HENRY, LET ME
SHOW YOU OUT.

PLEASURE PLAYING WITH YOU
THIS AFTERNOON.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE
THE SINGLE-MINGLES

ARE REALLY PAYING OFF.

ONE BRIDGE GAME,

AND YOU ALREADY HAVE
YOURSELF A BOYFRIEND?

HE'S NOT
MY BOYFRIEND.

ALL HE DID WAS
DRIVE ME HOME TODAY.

I ACTUALLY HAVE AS LITTLE
INTEREST IN DATING HIM

AS I WOULD IN
EATING YOUR COOKING.

GEEZ, MOM. WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE?

SERIOUSLY. HE'S CUTE.

LIKE AN OLDER
JUSTIN BIEBER.

I ONLY LISTEN
TO COUNTRY MUSIC.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

HENRY AND I WON
AT BRIDGE CLUB TODAY.

THE PRIZE WAS A GIFT CERTIFICATE
TO THE WHITE BIRCH.

DINNER FOR TWO.

AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT. HERE.

THANK YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU GO
TOMORROW NIGHT?

THEY HAVE ME WORKING
ANOTHER LATE SHIFT.

OH, GOOD! WE...

"TOMORROW" NOTHING.

GO PUT ON SOME HEELS, BABY.
I'M TAKING YOU OUT TONIGHT.

NO, DAVID,
I DIDN'T MEAN...

MOM, YOU SAID THAT
THESE WERE FOR ME,

SO I AM GOING TO USE IT
TO TAKE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE

OUT FOR
A ROMANTIC DINNER.

JUST THE TWO OF US.
OKAY?

FINE.

I'LL JUST STAY HERE.

ALONE.

HOPIN' NOBODY BREAKS IN
AND KIDNAPS ME.

YOU SHOULD INVITE
YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND OVER.

HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!

OH, DON'T YOU SAY...

OOH...

DON'T YOU SAY A WORD!

MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

[AMBIENT MUSIC, CONVERSATION]

I SAY THE DEAL IS OFF.
I DON'T CARE HOW BIG...

- HI.
- THERE'S MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

I'M SO SORRY
I'M LATE.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

- UM..
- IT'S OKAY.

NEVER MIND. I WANT TO
INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME PEOPLE.

STELLA, THIS IS BILL,
HE'S THE HEAD OF ADVERTISING.

HEY, CASE.

OH. YOU'RE HOME EARLY.

[EXHALES]

OH, WHAT'S ALL THIS?

I KNOW...

I LOOK RIDICULOUS.

NO. YOU LOOK...

WOW.

I MEAN...

WOW.

WOW.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

...AND THEN,
THEY ALL DROPPED.

[MEN LAUGHING]

CRAZY. OKAY, EXCUSE ME.

CAN YOU BELIEVE MARK'S
LITTLE BLONDE POODLE?

I KNOW.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS

SHE ONLY MARRIED HIM
FOR HIS MONEY.

MARK DESERVES
SO MUCH BETTER.

I WONDER HOW LONG

BEFORE SHE GETS
HERSELF KNOCKED UP?

YOU KNOW,
TO NULL THE PRE-NUP?

GOLD-DIGGING LITTLE TART.

[WOMAN LAUGHS DERISIVELY]

EXCUSE ME. UM...

BABE, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

STELLA, I'M JUST IN THE MIDDLE
OF A CONVERSATION.

PLEASE.

OKAY. EXCUSE ME.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN
TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT ME?

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

EVERYBODY HERE THINKS
I'M A GOLD-DIGGER

WHO'S TRYING TO TRAP YOU
INTO HAVING A BABY.

WHAT?

YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD
WHAT THEY'RE SAYING

ABOUT ME IN THE BATHROOM.

IT WAS HUMILIATING.

I'M SURE
YOU JUST MISHEARD THEM.

NO. I DIDN'T.

CAN WE PLEASE
JUST GO?

[GRUMBLING SIGH]

I CAN'T. IT'S MY PARTY.

OKAY. FINE.

SEE YOU AT HOME.

HONEY.

STELLA.

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

[LOUDER]: EXCUSE ME. HONEY!

WOULD YOU HOLD...
STELLA! PLEASE.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?

YOU SHOW UP LATE,

YOU WANT TO LEAVE EARLY
BECAUSE OF A MISUNDERSTANDING...

IT WASN'T...

I'M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

OKAY, MARK,
IF I AM SO DISAPPOINTING,

MAYBE WE SHOULD
JUST STAY SINGLE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
STAY SINGLE?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT
WHEN YOU GET HOME, OKAY?

JUST GO BACK TO YOUR PARTY.

NO, NO. I WANT TO
TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
STAY SINGLE?

WOW...

[GIGGLES]

I LOVE YOU, CASE.

MM, I LOVE YOU, NICK.

THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TELL YOU.

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

IT IS SO NICE
TO FINALLY HAVE

SOME TIME ALONE
TOGETHER.

A TOAST.
TO MY WIFE.

TO MY HUSBAND.

TO US.

[CLINKING]

STOP!

THAT WOMAN
IS NOT YOUR WIFE!

[SMACKS PAPER DOWN]

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL,
NICK, REALLY.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GO
DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE

AND MAKE IT LEGAL.

WHEN DID YOU GET THIS?

A WEEK AGO? I THINK?

YOU THINK?

A WEEK AGO.

I DON'T GET IT.
WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL ME THEN?

BECAUSE WE WERE FIGHTING.

WE WERE FIGHTING,

AND I WAS AFRAID
I WAS GOING TO LOSE YOU,

AND I COULDN'T IMAGINE IT,

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
SO, SO MUCH.

BABY, BABY.

WHY WOULD YOU
EVER WORRY

THAT YOU WERE
GOING TO LOSE ME?

BECAUSE OF ANNA.

NOT THIS AGAIN!

LOOK, I'VE TOLD YOU
A HUNDRED TIMES,

THERE'S NOTHING
GOING ON THERE.

- I KNOW, BUT...
- DON'T YOU TRUST ME?

I DON'T TRUST HER.

OKAY, ENOUGH!

OKAY, LOOK,
I DON'T KNOW WHO

THIS JEALOUS GIRL IS
YOU'VE BECOME,

BUT IT'S NOT THE WOMAN
I FELL IN LOVE WITH.

WAIT, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?

WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS
MORE WHEN I GET BACK.

- BACK?
- FROM PIEDMONT.

I'VE GOT BACK-TO-BACK MEETINGS
ALL WEEK,

SO I'M HEADING DOWN THERE
TONIGHT TO CHECK INTO A HOTEL.

UNLIKE YOU, I TOLD YOU
ABOUT THIS OVER A MONTH AGO.

YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GO RIGHT NOW!

NICK!

LOOK, I THINK WE BOTH COULD

USE SOME TIME TO COOL OFF
AND JUST THINK.

THINK?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NICK, DON'T DO THAT,

BECAUSE THINKING
IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

NICK?

[ZIPPING]

OKAY, OKAY.
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

LOOK, GO TO PIEDMONT,

AND LAND THE DEAL
AND-AND... THINK.

WE CAN GO TO THE COURTHOUSE
WHEN YOU GET BACK.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

SO YOU GOT
THE LETTER A WEEK AGO?

YEAH.

AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
BECAUSE YOU JUST...

FORGOT?

SORT OF.

OKAY, THEN.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO
BE MAD AT ME.

MAD? WHY
WOULD I BE MAD?

THIS IS GONNA BE
A GREAT STORY

TO TELL OUR KIDS.

[SHE LAUGHS]

KIDS. [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[PHONE RINGS]

MARK! THE PHONE.

LET THE MACHINE
GET IT.

[RINGING]

YOU'VE REACHED
MARK AND STELLA.

LEAVE A MESSAGE. [BEEP]

[MAN]: HELLO, STELLA.

THIS IS HAL BORKORWITZ,
OVER AT THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM.

GOOD NEWS, YOU GOT THE JOB.

WE'RE SENDING THE CONTRACTS
OVER IN THE MORNING.

[PEE SPLASHING]

[CRACKLING, DISTORTED]:
WELCOME ABOARD.

SEE, DAVID?

I TOLD YOU
SHE WAS SNEAKY.

SNEAKY?
YOU'RE THE ONE

SNOOPING AROUND
MY NIGHTSTAND

TO FIND THAT LETTER.

LISTEN, MISSY,
I'M NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL HERE.

NEITHER AM I.
THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

[SCOFFS]

EVERYTHING ABOUT MY SON
IS MY BUSINESS.

DON'T YOU THINK SO, DAVID?

YES, DAVID,
IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?

I... I THINK...

I-I THINK, UM...

LET'S GO.

WE CAN MAKE IT TO THE JUDGE'S,
WAKE HIM UP,

GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW.

WHAT?

WHAT?

WELL, I'VE GOTTA MARRY MY GIRL
GOOD AND PROPER NOW.

DAVID, YOU CAN'T BE
IN YOUR RIGHT MIND!

SHE LIED TO YOU!

DON'T YOU SEE THIS IS
A HUGE A PROBLEM, DAVID?

ERIN IS NOT YOUR WIFE.

A PROBLEM
I INTEND TO CORRECT.

SHALL WE?

[CRIES OUT]:
DAVID, PLEASE!

THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

I'M SORRY, MOM,

THERE IS NOTHING
THAT YOU CAN SAY

TO STOP ME FROM MARRYING ERIN
RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

[RENEE SIGHS DRAMATICALLY]

[BLURTS]: MY HEART!

MY HEART, HELP ME!
MY HEART!

MOM?

HELP ME!

[DINERS MURMURING]

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

CALL A DOCTOR!

I AM A DOCTOR.

A REAL DOCTOR.

NO, NO. LET ERIN
TAKE A LOOK AT YOU.

AHH. OOH... [EXHALES]

YOUR PULSE
IS STEADY AND STRONG.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD
ANY PROBLEMS BEFORE...

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

YOU AREN'T SWEATING,

YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY PAIN
IN YOUR ARM OR LEG.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- IT MEANS SHE'S FINE.

I DEMAND
A SECOND OPINION.

UH, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO
TO THE HOSPITAL, JUST IN CASE.

CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING?

SHE'S FAKING IT,
TO STOP US FROM GETTING MARRIED.

I-I CAN'T... BREATHE!

OKAY, WE NEED TO TAKE HER
TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW.

SERIOUSLY?

- YES.
- NO.

EXCUSE ME?

NO. I'VE HAD IT!
I'M DONE WITH THIS GAME.

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERS] OH...

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

WANT A BLUEBERRY, CUTIE?

CAN WE PUT IT...

HIM OUTSIDE, PLEASE?

HERE, PUFFY! FETCH.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

WELL, YOU WERE
JUST SO AMAZING

ABOUT THE MARRIAGE
LICENSE, AND...

I FELT BAD
FOR BEING LATE FOR YOUR PARTY,

SO I WANTED
TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

THAT'S VERY NICE.

YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU YESTERDAY.

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW,

FOR THE ASSISTANT CURATOR
FOR THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM.

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

WOW.

YEAH, I MEAN,
AT FIRST,

THE GUY WAS REALLY
GRUFF WITH ME,

BUT THEN, YOU KNOW, I PUT ON
THE OL' STELLA CHARM,

AND IMPRESSED HIM WITH

MY KNOWLEDGE ABOUT
19th-CENTURY ARCHEOLOGICAL DIGS,

AND HE WAS PUTTY IN MY HANDS.

HMM.

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

[CONFUSED LAUGH]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I ACED
THAT INTERVIEW!

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU HAVE A NEED TO GET A JOB.

WE'RE FINE.

YOUR JOB SHOULD BE TO HAVE FUN,
GO SHOPPING WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

- YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING.
- COME ON, STELLA.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DO,

WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE?

I'M SORRY.

I THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING ME
WITH THE MAID.

HONEY.

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU
TO BE DISAPPOINTED

IF YOU DON'T GET THE JOB.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME
TO BE HAPPY.

I DO WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

IN FACT,
I MAKE A LOT OF MONEY

SO MY WIFE
DOESN'T HAVE TO WORK.

♪ ♪

LET'S JUST
EAT BREAKFAST.

[WHIMPERING AND SMACKING]

PUFFY. NO!

OH, I TOLD YOU
TO PUT HIM OUTSIDE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'LL GET BREAKFAST
AT THE OFFICE.

[GRUNTS ANGRILY]

[TELEPHONE LINE RINGING]

YOU GOT NICK.
LEAVE A MESSAGE. [BEEP]

HEY, HUSBAND.

I HOPE "HUSBAND."

I'M SORRY.

I KNOW I'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE
A PSYCHOTIC JEALOUS WIFE.

I FEEL REALLY BAD
ABOUT HOW WE LEFT THINGS,

SO, GIVE ME A CALL, OKAY?

I LOVE YOU.

[DIALING]

[LINE RINGING]

[RECEPTION]:
PIEDMONT HOTEL.

HI. MR. PORTERSON'S ROOM,
PLEASE.

ONE MOMENT.

[RINGING]

HELLO?

HELLO? HELLO?

♪ ♪

EVERYBODY OUT.

OUT. GET OUT.

COME ON. FASTER, PLEASE.

I HAVE AN EMERGENCY.
I'M SORRY.

I NEED YOU TO LEAVE.
GET OUT.

OUT! GET OUT!

♪ ♪

DR. MILLER.

I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW.

UM, OKAY, WELL, UH,
WELL, MOM IS FINE,

AND IT WAS JUST
A PANIC ATTACK.

YOU WERE RIGHT AND I'M SORRY.

SHOCKER.

ABOUT YOUR MOM,
NOT ABOUT THE SORRY.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

THAT'S SWEET...

BUT YOU AND I NEED
TO TALK FIRST.

REALLY TALK.

I NEED TO KNOW
YOU'LL BE THERE FOR ME

FIRST AND FOREMOST, DAVID.

I PROMISE.

I MEAN IT!

EVEN IF YOUR MOTHER
DOESN'T APPROVE,

EVEN IF SHE PRETENDS
LIKE SHE'S CAUGHT IN A WELL

OR BEING ATTACKED
BY TERRORISTS.

SHE COULD BE
ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

AND I WOULDN'T BUDGE.

EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO EAT

ORANGE MACARONI-AND-CHEESE
OUT OF A BOX

EVERY DAY
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

AS LONG AS
IT WAS YOU THAT MADE IT,

I WOULDN'T WANT TO
EAT ANYTHING ELSE.

I LOVE YOU, ERIN.

I LOVE YOU,

AND I WANT TO
MARRY YOU AGAIN. NOW.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

MARRY ME?

[ERIN LAUGHS]

YES! OF COURSE.

I JUST... I CAN'T
GO TO THE COURTHOUSE NOW,

I HAVE TO FINISH
BANDAGING UP

MR. HIRSCH HERE.

THAT'S OKAY,
THAT'S GREAT.

I'LL SEE YOU
AT HOME, THEN?

OKAY.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

I LOVE YOU T... UM.

I'M JUST GONNA
CALL ANOTHER DOCTOR.

♪ ♪

[STUNNED]: I GOT THE JOB?

♪ ♪

[HUMMING CHEERILY]

[DOOR OPENS]

OH, DAVID, YOU'RE HOME!

OH.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D BE
BRINGING A GUEST.

HELLO, MOM.

DON'T CALL ME "MOM."

HERE TO PACK?

WE'RE HERE TO EAT.
WHAT SMELLS SO GOOD?

I ONLY MADE
ENOUGH FOR TWO.

HMM.

THAT IS A HUGE POT.

I HAVE A BIG APPETITE.

WELL, SO DO I.

LET'S EAT.

[WHACK]

♪ ♪

SO, ARE YOU
PREGNANT?

NO. WHY WOULD
YOU THINK THAT?

BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK
OF ANOTHER REASON

WHY DAVID WOULD
TAKE YOU BACK.

BECAUSE I LOVE HER, MOM.

I LOVE HER STRENGTH.

SHE'S SMART,
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,

AND-AND SHE MAKES
ME LAUGH.

I WOULD BE NUTS
NOT TO WANT TO SPEND

THE REST OF
MY LIFE WITH HER.

[BREATHLESSLY]: NUTS.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT
I SAID. NUTS.

ERIN?

[CHOKING]: PEANUTS!

DID YOU PUT
PEANUTS IN THIS?

JUST IN THE SAUCE.
IT'S PAD THAI.

- SHE'S ALLERGIC!
- SHOT!

[WHEEZING INTENSELY]

WHAT'S SHE SAYING?

[WHEEZING]

SHE NEEDS HER ALLERGY SHOT.

OKAY...

OH.

YOU OKAY?

[PHONE BEEPS]

[LINE START RINGING]

[ERIN]: HI.

HEY. LOOK.
TELL ME I'M CRAZY.

TELL ME I'M INSANE.
JUST...

I'M SORRY, CASEY,

I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW

MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
JUST TRIED TO MURDER ME.

[BEEP]

HELLO?

ERIN?

[GRUNTS]

[STARTS CAR]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

PLEASE TELL ME
I'M WRONG, MARK.

PLEASE TELL ME

YOU DIDN'T BURY THAT
IN THE TRASH

SO I COULDN'T FIND IT
AND TAKE THE JOB?

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO
UNDERSTAND?

YOU KNEW HOW MUCH
THAT MEANT TO ME!

LOWER YOUR VOICE.

I CALLED THE CHERAMOYA.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

I'M TAKING THE JOB.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

THAT IS NOT YOUR DECISION
TO MAKE, MARK.

YOU DON'T GET TO
MAKE THE RULES.

MARRIAGE IS ABOUT COMPROMISE.

OKAY? IT'S GIVE AND TAKE.

LOOK.

THIS ISN'T THE TIME OR PLACE
TO DISCUSS THIS.

WE'LL DO IT
WHEN I GET HOME TONIGHT.

I WON'T BE THERE.

♪ ♪

STELLA.

- [SNICKERING]
- [MARK]: STELLA!

DID YOU GET ALL THAT, LADIES?

PLEASE STOP.

I COULD HAVE DIED.

ERIN, I'M SURE SHE DIDN'T KNOW
THAT YOU WERE ALLERGIC.

EVERYONE KNOWS I'M ALLERGIC!

AND I REMINDED HER
AT OUR WEDDING BRUNCH,

WHEN SHE WANTED TO PUT
NUTS IN THE SALAD.

HONEY, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.

I'M SORRY.

SHE'S GONE TOO FAR.

I CAN'T BE
IN THE SAME HOUSE AS HER.

SO WHO'S IT GONNA BE?
ME OR HER?

ERIN, JUST LET ME TALK TO HER.

OKAY?

I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T
STAND UP FOR ME.

ERIN, WAIT.

[GASPS]: OH!

OH, ERIN, I'M SO S...

JUST STOP.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.

HONEY, PLEASE WAIT.

SWEETIE, I JUST...

SHUT UP, MOM.

♪ ♪

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

♪ ♪

WHAT ROOM IS NICK PORTERSON IN?
I'M HIS WIFE.

[CLERK]:
UH, 214, MA'AM.

♪ ♪

[ANNA GIGGLING, MUFFLED]

[ANNA]: NICK, TAKE IT OFF!

[NICK]: OKAY, FINE.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

♪ ♪

[NICK AND ANNA CHATTING ABOVE,
INDISTINCT]

NO WAY.

♪ ♪

[GASPS]: MM! NICK!

CASE?

WHAT?

CASE! WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

HUH?

[LATTICE CRACKING]

I'M OKAY! OOH...

AH!

[THUD]

CASE! CASE!

[BUSHES RUSTLING]

[GULPS]

[THUD]

[SIREN CHIRPS]

WHAT WERE YOU
THINKING, CASE?

WHAT WAS I THINKING?
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

WHAT... WHAT DO YOU...

YOU LIED TO ME.

YOU TOLD ME THERE WAS NOTHING
GOING ON BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

- CASE...
- JUST PUT ON A SHIRT...

...AND GIVE ME BACK
MY DIGNITY, NICK.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

THANKS.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE
WHAT RENEE JUST DID TO ME.

ERIN, NICK JUST CALLED.

CASEY'S BEEN TAKEN
TO THE HOSPITAL.

WAIT, WHAT?

♪ ♪

UH... CASEY...

PORTERSON.
IS SHE OKAY?

YEAH. SHE'S FINE.

LUCKILY, THE BUSHES
BENEATH THE TREE

WERE VERY THICK.

CAN I SEE HER?

SORRY. FAMILY ONLY.

I'M HER HUSBAND.

[SCOFFS]
THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE SAID.

WE'RE HERE TO PICK UP
CASEY PORTERSON.

- WE'RE HER BEST FR...
- ...DOCTORS.

YEAH,
HER BEST DOCTORS.

SURE. GO RIGHT IN.

♪ ♪

THAT'S NOT...
THAT'S NOT VERY FAIR.

♪ ♪

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.

LET'S MAKE A TOAST
TO THE END OF MY MARRIAGE.

[RING CLINKS]

AND MINE. [CLINK]

AND MINE.
[CLINK]

[GLASSES CLINK]

CHEERS.

YOU KNOW, THE THING
THAT MAKES ME CRAZY

IS THAT I LOVE NICK.

I REALLY, REALLY DO,

BUT HE IS IN LOVE WITH ANNA,

AND NO AMOUNT OF COMPROMISE
OR COUNSELING

IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT.

IT'S JUST THAT

MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED
TO BE A PARTNERSHIP,

AND I'M NOT GONNA JUST
BE SOME GUY'S DOORMAT.

AND I AM DONE
WITH MAMA'S BOY.

LET NICK RUN OFF WITH ANNA.

I MEAN, SHE CAN HAVE HIM,
FOR ALL I CARE.

LET HER TURN OFF HER SHOWER
WITH A WRENCH.

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.

WITH THE MARRIAGE LICENSE
SCREW-UP,

IF NICK AND I SPLIT NOW,
THERE'LL BE NO MESSY DIVORCE,

NO LEGAL PROCEEDINGS,

NO PRE-NUP...

♪ ♪

...AND NO MONSTER-IN-LAW.

♪ ♪

ARE YOU SURE IT'S OKAY THAT
WE STAY HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE?

OF COURSE.

YOU CAN STAY HERE FOREVER.

THINK OF MY PLACE AS A...
NEARLYWED HALFWAY HOUSE.

YOU CAN STAY HERE
FOR THE REST OF OUR...

MISERABLE, LONELY LIVES.

[SLURPING]

NO.

WE ARE NOT GOING TO
SIT HERE AND MOPE AROUND

LIKE THREE LITTLE
LOVESICK PUPPIES.

WE... LET'S GET OUT AND DO STUFF
AND HAVE SOME FUN.

COME ON, GIRLS.
JUST ONE RULE.

[BOTH]: WHAT'S THAT?

NO MEN.

♪ YOU'RE CRAZY
TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOUR LIFE? ♪

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOU AND YOUR WIFE? ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I THINK ♪

♪ YOU JUMPED RIGHT OFF
THAT TRAMPOLINE ♪

♪ YEAH, I THINK ♪

♪ YOU WENT OFF
AND GOT MARRIED ♪

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOUR SISTERS? ♪

[MOVIE MONSTER ROARS,
ACTRESS SCREAMS]

[GIRLS YELP]

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED? ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, MISTER ♪

- [ACTRESS SHRIEKING]
- OH!

♪ I FEEL A LITTLE BIT LEFT OUT ♪

♪ YEAH, I THINK ♪

♪ YOU'RE CRAZY ♪

- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- ♪ TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ LA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA, DA-DA ♪

♪ CRAZY TO BE MARRIED
RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON YOUR KIDS? ♪

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED
ON ALL YOUR HOUSE BIDS? ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I THINK ♪

♪ YOU JUMPED RIGHT OFF
THAT TRAMPOLINE ♪

♪ YEAH, I THINK ♪

♪ NONE OF THIS
COULD HAVE BEEN FORESEEN ♪

♪ LA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA, DA-DA
DA-DA, DA-DA ♪

[ACTRESS ON TV]:
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU.

[STELLA AND CASEY START SOBBING]

♪ ...CRAZY TO BE MARRIED
RIGHT NOW ♪

SHOULD WE
WAKE HER UP?

SHE LOOKS HAPPY.
LET HER SLEEP.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

WHO'S THAT?

NO CLUE.

UNLESS THE CHINESE
FOOD DELIVERY GUY

IS PSYCHIC.

THAT'D BE NICE.

WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

WELL, IT IS
HIS APARTMENT.

WE CAN'T TALK TO HIM.

IT VIOLATES THE GIRLFRIEND
CODE OF ETHICS.

WELL, WE CAN'T JUST
LEAVE HIM OUT THERE.

YES, WE CAN!
CASEY WOULD WANT US TO.

I... I CAN HEAR YOU, GUYS.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST
SEE WHAT HE WANTS.

IF YOU INSIST.

BETTER BE GOOD.

YES?

HEY.

CAN I COME IN?

CASEY'S ASLEEP, NICK.

AND SHE DOESN'T WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ANYWAY, SO.

CAN I TALK TO
YOU GUYS, THEN, PLEASE?

NOPE! SORRY.

CAN... PLEASE?

YOU'RE A PUSHY ONE,
AREN'T YA?

SIC 'IM, PUFFY.

[YAPPING]

[PUFFY KEEPS YAPPING]

THAT'S A FRIENDLY...
A FRIENDLY DOG.

SPEAKING OF DOGS...
WHAT DO YOU WANT, NICK?

♪ ♪

SHE WON'T LET ME
INTO THE APARTMENT.

SHE WON'T
TAKE MY CALLS.

IT'S LIKE
I DON'T EVEN EXIST.

MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE CHEATED ON HER, THEN.

I DIDN'T!

LOOK, IT WAS JUST
A DUMB MISUNDERSTANDING,

BUT I CAN'T EVEN
TELL HER THAT

BECAUSE SHE WON'T
TALK TO ME!

I CAN'T EAT.
I CAN'T SLEEP.

I'M... I'M FALLING APART!

- [ERIN SCOFFS]
- WHAT?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
STOP THINKING ABOUT

HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS

AND START THINKING
ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
KNOW HOW SHE FEELS?

[STELLA LAUGHS]

WHAT?

NICK, WHY DO YOU THINK
SHE'S DOING ALL THIS?

BECAUSE OF NOTHING
THAT HAPPENED WITH ANNA?

NO.

YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND,

THAT SEEING YOU WITH ANNA

MAKES CASEY FEEL LIKE
THE UGLY DUCKLING

WHO NEVER GOT INVITED TO PROM
ALL OVER AGAIN.

BECAUSE I WENT ON
A BUSINESS TRIP?

[BOTH]: NO!

WHICH WAS ACTUALLY
PRETTY SUSPECT.

BUT THAT'S NOT
YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM.

CASEY NEEDS YOU TO MAKE HER FEEL
BEAUTIFUL AGAIN, AND SPECIAL.

I DO.

YEAH?
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

YOU BOUGHT HER FLOWERS
FOR NO REASON?

OR COOKED HER DINNER?

OR WROTE HER
A GUSHY LOVE LETTER?

OR STOOD UP FOR HER

WHEN YOUR MOTHER
TRIED TO RUIN YOUR LIFE?

OR LET HER TURN
THE NURSERY INTO A NEW OFFICE.

WHAT? I DON'T UN...

YOU GET THE POINT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

HOW...

DO I GET HER BACK?

STOP BEING
SUCH A JERK.

AND SWEEP HER
OFF HER FEET.

♪ ♪

- GO.
- DO IT!

YES. ALL RIGHT.

♪ ♪

ERIN?

IF YOU'RE GONNA TRY AGAIN,
YOU PICKED A LOUSY PLACE.

THERE'S DOCTORS EVERYWHERE.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU RETURNED
ANY OF DAVID'S PHONE CALLS?

BECAUSE
YOU WON, RENEE.

WE'RE NOT MARRIED ANYMORE.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO DAVID,

AND I CERTAINLY
DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

YOU KNOW, ANY OTHER DAY,

THOSE WORDS WOULD SOUND
LIKE MUSIC TO MY EARS...

BUT NOT TODAY.

I REALLY AM SORRY
FOR WHAT I DID.

YOU TRIED TO KILL ME.

THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU
TO COME HOME FOR LUNCH,

SO I PUT PEANUT BUTTER
IN THE PAD THAI,

AND I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT
UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE.

I MIGHT HATE YOU,

BUT I DON'T WANT
TO SEE YOU DEAD.

I'D BE TOUCHED EXCEPT
FOR THE PART ABOUT HATING ME.

[LAUGHS]: YEAH, WELL...

WELL, I'D HATE ANY WOMAN

THAT TRIED TO TAKE MY DAVIE
AWAY FROM ME,

EVEN IF
SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL DOCTOR...

WITH GREAT TASTE IN DECORATING.

LOOK. UM...

I'M NOT AS YOUNG
AS I USED TO BE,

AND MY SON...

IS ALL I HAVE LEFT.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER.

ME.

♪ WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES ♪

♪ AND I'D BE HAPPY
TO MAKE THEM ALL WITH YOU... ♪

STELLA.

PLEASE DON'T GO.

[SCRAPING TABLE]

IT'S REALLY
THAT EASY FOR YOU?

NO.

MARK, NONE OF THIS IS EASY.
I...

I JUST... I CAN'T...

[TAKES A SHAKY BREATH, SIGHS]

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

OKAY? I...

I NEED TO.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I THOUGHT I GAVE YOU
EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.

DID I NOT GIVE YOU
THE PERFECT WEDDING?

RIGHT.

IT WAS PERFECT.

BUT THAT'S
THE POINT, MARK.

I MEAN,
I DIDN'T GET TO PLAN IT.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO PICK

THE COLOR
OF MY BRIDESMAIDS' DRESSES.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH FUCHSIA?

NOTHING.

IT'S PERFECT. FOR YOU.

THIS, ALL OF THIS,
IS YOUR LIFE, NOT MINE.

IT DID MAKE ME REALIZE
SOMETHING, THOUGH.

I DO WANT TO HAVE A BABY.

NOT RIGHT NOW.

NOT WITH YOU.

BUT IT'S... IT'S THAT...

IT'S THE DOG, RIGHT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M
LOSING MY WIFE TO A DOG.

OKAY, FINE,
I'LL BE NICE TO IT.

IT CAN SLEEP
ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.

MARK...

IT'S NOT THE DOG.

IS THERE ANYTHING

THAT I CAN DO
TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?

[SNIFFLES, STIFLES SOB]

I'M SORRY.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I MISS YOU, BABY.

I MISS YOU, TOO.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE COME HOME.

YOUR MOTHER CAME
TO SEE ME TODAY.

I... HONEY,
I TALKED TO HER,

I SWEAR IT.

SHE WAS ACTUALLY...

NICE.

AS NICE AS
YOUR MOTHER COULD BE.

OH, GOD.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?

A NUMBER OF THINGS.

THE MOST
IMPORTANT BEING

THAT SHE'LL BE
MOVING OUT.

BUT HER CONDO'S
NOT GONNA BE DONE

FOR ANOTHER EIGHT MONTHS.

SHE'S CHECKING
INTO A HOTEL.

WELL, THAT'S...

THAT'S GREAT!

WE'RE PAYING FOR IT.

THAT, UH...

[LAUGHS]

WELL, I GUESS WE GOTTA DO
WHAT WE GOTTA DO.

♪ ♪

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

[BELL JINGLES]

I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE

BEFORE I SHOVE
ONE OF MY HOMEMADE DOG PIES

INTO YOUR
PERFECTLY PLUCKED FACE.

AT THE RISK
OF BEING ATTACKED,

THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TELL YOU.

THAT YOU ARE
A SLIMY HUSBAND-STEALER

WHO COULD USE
A DOSE OF WORM FLUSH?

I'M ENGAGED.

WHAT?

ENGAGED.

TO BOB.
NICK'S ARCHITECT.

THE ONE WHO RECOMMENDED YOU
FOR THE JOB?

WHERE'S YOUR RING?

I LOVE BOB.
I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON HIM.

BUT-BUT...
I SAW YOU AND NICK.

TOGETHER!

FIRST OF ALL,
NICK KNOWS I'M ENGAGED.

SECONDLY, EW!

HE HAS HAIRY TOES.

THIRDLY...

HOLD ON.
WE'RE ON THIRDLY, RIGHT?

YES.

THIRDLY, WE HAD
SEPARATE HOTEL ROOMS.

I WENT OVER TO NICK'S ROOM
TO HELP WITH PRESENTATION PREP.

WE ORDERED ROOM SERVICE,

AND HE SPILLED CRANBERRY JUICE
ALL OVER HIS SHIRT...

I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE
A HORRIBLE PERSON.

I WANT TO BE
YOUR FRIEND, CASEY.

DID YOU THINK
ALL MY HUGS

AND COMPLIMENTS

ABOUT YOUR HAIR
AND HEELS

WERE JUST RANDOM?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
BEING SARCASTIC!

WHY DOES EVERYONE
ALWAYS THINK THAT?

I'M SO SORRY
I JUDGED YOU.

AND I'M SO SORRY

I MADE FUN OF YOU
IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I WAS AN IDIOT THEN.

I'M MUCH SMARTER NOW.

I REALLY APPRECIATE
ALL THE APOLOGIES

AND I'M SURE ONE DAY SOON
WE'LL BE BESTIES,

BUT RIGHT NOW,
I JUST NEED TO FIND NICK

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

HE'S DOWNSTAIRS!

TRUST ME,

YOU DON'T WANT
TO EAT THAT.

♪ ♪

NICK?

♪ ♪

♪ AH, AH, ALL OVER ♪

♪ AH, AH ♪

♪ ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ AH, AH ♪

I'M SO, SO SORRY
I DIDN'T TRUST YOU

AND BELIEVE YOU

AND I KNOW YOU'RE NOT
CHEATING ON ME WITH ANNA...

AND I'M SORRY

THAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU
THAT ANNA AND BOB WERE ENGAGED.

WHY DIDN'T YOU?

I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

[CHUCKLES]

I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

WELL, STELLA PICKED IT OUT.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

PUT IT ON FOR ME?

♪ YOU ASKED ME IF
I'D BE YOUR ONE AND ONLY ♪

♪ TO HAVE AND TO HOLD ♪

♪ STANDING HERE ♪

♪ IN FRONT OF ME ♪

♪ THIS IS EVERYTHING ♪

♪ LOVE IS MEANT TO BE ♪

I GOT YOU THIS.

A PROM CROWN?

YOUR PROM CROWN.

[CASEY GIGGLES]

CASEY...

DON'T YOU KNOW BY NOW
HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU?

I MEAN, TO ME,
YOU ARE SO...

[SIGHS]

...BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE QUIRKY.

YOU'RE FUN.

YOU'RE...

CRAZY AND POSSESSIVE
AND JEALOUS?

PASSIONATE.

YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO BE JEALOUS ABOUT.

THOSE GIRLS BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL
WERE SO FAKE.

EVEN ANNA.

WHY WOULD I WANT THEM

WHEN I GOT THE REAL DEAL
RIGHT HERE?

I LOVE YOU...

JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

♪ ♪

UM, I'M MISSING SOMETHING.

WHAT... [LAUGHS]

MARRY ME?

AGAIN?

YES!

YES, YES. AGAIN.

AND AGAIN AND AGAIN,
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!

[CASEY LAUGHING]

ALL RIGHT.

UH... OH! OH, YEAH.

I ALMOST FORGOT.

I OWE MY GIRL
A HONEYMOON.

AND I CALLED A PLUMBER.

NICK, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

♪ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪

♪ ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ FALLING IN LOVE
WITH YOU ♪

♪ ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪

♪ ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ FALLING IN LOVE
WITH YOU ♪

♪ ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

OH, I'M STILL GONNA
MISS YOU SO MUCH.

MOM, WE'RE ONLY GONNA BE
TWO MILES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER,

AND WE'LL SEE EACH OTHER
EVERY FRIDAY FOR DINNER.

ARE THESE MY BABY TEETH?

[CHUCKLES]

I JUST LIKE TO THINK

YOU'RE ALWAYS SMILING AT ME,

NO MATTER
HOW FAR AWAY YOU ARE.

LUNCH IS SERVED.

OH!

THANK YOU, HON.

AH, NO PECORINO
OR TRUFFLE OIL?

WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOIN'?

THIS WOMAN SLAVED
FOR HOURS...

MINUTES.

...MINUTES
OVER YOUR LUNCH.

YOU WILL
APPRECIATE IT,

AND HER.

SHE'S A DOCTOR.

THANKS, MOM.

OH, YOU JUST
CALLED ME "MOM."

SO CAN I GET
THE PECORINO OR...?

[BOTH]: NO!

♪ AH, AH, AH, AH ALL OVER... ♪

CAN YOU GUYS GO BACK TO
HATING EACH OTHER?

NO.

♪ AH, AH, ALL OVER AGAIN... ♪

MM!

COFFEE TIME!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY SO MANY APARTMENTS
DON'T ALLOW DOGS.

THEY'RE CLEANER
AND QUIETER,

AND WAY LESS TROUBLE
THAN MEN.

YOU SHOULD CHECK THIS
BULLETIN BOARD AT THE HOSPITAL

WITH AVAILABLE APARTMENTS.

DOES IT ALSO
LIST AVAILABLE DOCTORS?

NO! [LAUGHS]

I AM TAKING A BREAK
FROM MEN.

[JINGLING]

WILLIS?

- [LAUGHS]: WILLIS!
- [PUFFY YAPPING]

WILLIS, COME HERE!

COME HERE, BOY.

WILLIS! WILLIS!

WHO'S THIS? WHO'S THIS?
WILLIS!

"WILLIS"?

I SAW THE SIGN IN THE WINDOW!

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'VE FOUND WILLIS!

UH, NO.
HIS NAME IS NOT "WILLIS."

IT'S "PUFFY,"

AND HE'S MINE.

I REMEMBER YOU.

YOU HAVE BEEN
TAKING CARE OF WILLIS?

WOW, BUDDY!

NO WONDER YOU DIDN'T
WANT TO COME HOME.

THANK YOU
SO, SO MUCH!

THE GARDENER
LEFT THE BACK GATE OPEN.

I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK
ABOUT THIS GUY!

PUFFY-WUFFY IS YOUR DOG?

YEAH.

UM, MY EX-WIFE,
SHE INSISTED ON THE PRE-NUP,

AND SO I INSISTED ON THE DOG.

I JUST LOVE THIS LITTLE RASCAL.

I PUT SIGNS UP ALL OVER TOWN.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?

I DID.
NO ONE ANSWERED.

OH, RIGHT.

HE ACTUALLY RUINED
MY ANSWERING MACHINE

BY PEEING ON IT.

YEAH... WE'VE BEEN
WORKING ON THAT, HAVEN'T WE?

[HE CHUCKLES, THEN STOPS]

YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I... [VOICE CRACKS]

IT'S JUST...

[WILLIS WHIMPERS]

I'VE BEEN TAKING
CARE OF HIM,

AND...

I LOVE HIM.

YEAH.
WELL, LOOK AT THAT, BUDDY.

YOU'RE BREAKING HEARTS
EVERYWHERE YOU GO.

I'VE HAD HIM SINCE...
SINCE HE WAS A PUPPY.

I'M REALLY SORRY,
BUT HE'S... HE'S MY DOG.

[SIGHS]

I KNOW.

HE'S YOURS.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU FOUND
YOUR OWNER, PUFFY.

[WILLIS WHIMPERS]

NOW, YOU BE GOOD FOR MR. HUNKY.

[HE CHUCKLES]

HERE.

OH, NO. I-I DON'T NEED
A REWARD.

IT WAS FINE.

OH, NO.
IT'S, UM, IT'S MY NUMBER.

YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY TAKEN
SUCH GOOD CARE OF HIM.

YOU DESERVE
A MASSIVE THANK-YOU.

TALKING, LIKE,
A THREE-COURSE MEAL...

THERE'LL BE DRINKS
AND DANCING...

I... I... I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, OKAY.

WELL, SUIT YOURSELF,

BUT ALL I ASK
IS THAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

OKAY. I WILL.

- OKAY.
- OKAY.

AND WE CAN DISCUSS
VISITATION RIGHTS.

[WILLIS YAPS]

OKAY, WAIT.
ACTUALLY, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

UM... YOU HUNGRY?

HOW ABOUT NOW?

WELL, I'M STARVING.

UM, JUST...
JUST SO THAT YOU KNOW,

HE'S BEEN ON
A RAW-FOOD DIET?

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

'CAUSE HIS COAT IS
SO SOFT AND SHINY.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

YEAH. I DID THAT.

HE WAS A LITTLE BIT FAT
WHEN I FOUND HIM.

- SO I THOUGHT...
- FAT?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...

♪ ♪

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

FINALLY!

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHTER]

GO, STELLA!

[SQUEALS]

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S GOOD,
IT'S GOOD.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[WILLIS YAPS]

[BARKING]

[LAUGHTER]

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN TOGETHER...

[REVEREND STARTS
HACKING AND WHEEZING]

EXCUSE ME.

WHERE WAS I?

UM, EXCUSE ME, REVEREND.
UM...

WOULD YOU JUST MIND
SIGNING THIS

BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER?

[WHEEZING]

[WOMEN START LAUGHING]

[EVERYONE JOINS IN]

♪ ♪