Naz & Maalik (2015) - full transcript

[toilet flushing]

[blowing nose]

Are you serious?

It's haraam.

It's not mine.

It was in our bathroom.

It's probably Mom and Dad's.

You can't be having sex.

You can't be having sex.

Bitch, why are you
still holding it?

Don't call me that!



I said it's not mine.

[scoffs]
Oh, okay.

-Give me twenty-five dollars.
-Why?

Then I won't tell Mom and Dad.

[grunts]

I need to tell you something.

What?

It's about time
for you to grow up.

How about you grow up, bitch?

[sighs]

Who was it with?

[sighs]

[door slams]

Shit.



Hey, man.

Hey.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, you want to come to my
mom's birthday dinner tonight?

Not really.

If I would go to your
mother's birthday party dinner,

what would I bring?

Well, she eats halal.

She loves chicken.

I told I'd make her
a roast chicken, so--

Okay, so we need
a halal butcher.

[chuckles]

I was thinking
we could do that ourselves.

A live chicken?

Dude, that's disgusting.

What are you talkin' about?

That's the proper thing to do.

Like we always do the
proper Muslim thing to do.

Ready to sell like
a thousand dollars today?

Yeah.

[chuckles]
Must be like a tiger, man.

You ready, huh? Huh?

Know what?

Birthday parties
are so oppressive.

First, you gotta go.

Then they expect a gift,
as if bein' there ain't enough.

You listen to books on tape?

Yeah.

Everything good at your house?

Yeah.
Yeah, it's all good.

No, actually, I've never
really read books on tape.

I listened to
Pride and Prejudice
one time.

[chuckles]
Never went to that class.

Hey.

Hey, yo!

Hey, yo, what's up?

[chuckles]
What's up, man?

What's up?

Hey.

You wanna buy a gun?

No.

Smith and Wesson.

Yo, is that real?

Yeah.

Is it hot?

No.

It's got no serial numbers,
either.

How much?

I could do two hundred.

How about seventy-five?

No, man.
I can't go that low.

One fifty.

It's the best I can do.

[scoffs]
Get the fuck outta here.

Ain't nobody
trying to get no gun.

Were you fucking serious?

[laughs]
No.

You think he's selling guns
to anybody who walks by?

It's a hell of a lot
better than being robbed.

[laughs]

Excuse me.

You sell soda?

No, no sodas.

Uh, twenty
Powerball tickets, please.

Twenty for me, too, please.

Okay, that'll be
forty-seven dollars.

BOTH: What?

Isn't there like a price break
if you buy more than twenty?

So there's no discount
if we buy in bulk at all?

No, New York State Lotto, man.

-What do you think?
-Man, ain't nobody

trying to hear all that.

What is this?

Hey, I can try some of this?

Ain't gonna
gimme no discount either,

let me use nothin', man.

Smell good, though.

Alright, man.

Ten each.

-Gonna be twenty-three fifty.
-Can I get these, too?

-That'll be five dollars.
-What?

Christians?

I'ma stick to these
lotions and potions.

Can I get that
Escape
right there?

And then the
Juicy Couture.

That green
Bob Marley
over there.

Chocolate.

Let me get that
Lick Me All Over.

And then uh,
can I get the
Grape Crush?

One more.
I'll go with the
Escada.

I need ten each, man.

Five small five big.

-That'll be eighty dollars.
-Eighty dollars.

Comin' out my pockets.

These are amazing.

Think I'm gonna sell these.

Man, that's an appropriation.

But they're beautiful.

You're not even Catholic.

What do you know?

These are art.

Besides, what does religion
have to do with selling?

Excuse me, ma'am.

Hey.

You look like you
could use a Lotto card.

I do?

Yeah, and I happen
to have a very lucky one

right here in my hand for you.

You like a saint card, Sir?

Saint card, Miss?

Lotto, saint, you put 'em
together, you get a explosion.

[laughs]
Big money.

I mean, it's perfect for...

a lady such as yourself.

[laughs]
Very nice.

Please.

Lady, I don't know.

You're blushin'.
You're blushin'.

I see it.

They're only
five dollars, that's it.

That's all.

Oh, thank you. No.
No, I don't want one.

Hey, hey.
Want to buy a Lotto ticket?

These are lucky tickets, plus it
helps benefit my college fund.

No.
No, thank you.

Shit.

It would really help
with our college fund.

Okay.

Okay, I'll take it.

That's what talkin' about.
That's what I'm talkin' about.

I hope it's a winning ticket.

I hope so, too.

I hope so, too.

I really wish you
the best of luck.

Can I interest you in a Lotto
ticket or a saint card, Miss?

Big win.

They're lucky.

Ooh!

Couple Muslim kids
tried to buy a gun.

How'd you know
they were Muslim?

The hat thing.

Were they serious?

That was the feeling that I got.

Well, did they buy it?

Well, no, but they
haggled with me.

Hmm.

Well, that doesn't
sound like a lead.

Right there.

Huh.

You like a Lotto ticket, Miss?
Saint card?

Saint Anthony, Saint Paul.

Miracle workers.

Sir, would you
like a Lotto ticket?

Saint card?

[CHANTING]

You hear that?

Yeah, it's Asr.

Yeah, we should go.

Yeah.

As-salaam alaykum.

How'd you do so far?

Great. You?

I'm all sold out.

Think I'm gonna move
to snacks after this.

Probably shouldn't be
talkin' business in here.

Yeah, you're probably right.

As-salaam alaykum.

Alaykum as-salaam.

Hello.

What a beautiful day.

I'd like to begin
with a brief remark.

[exhales deeply]

If you're here with the NYPD,

or you're with the FBI,
welcome.

[CHUCKLING]
Sincerely.

We expect you here.

We hope that you will
benefit and grow spiritually

as a result of, um,
this experience.

[speaks in Arabic]

[exhales deeply]

Did you understand the Arabic?

A little bit.

You?

Yeah. Most.

Did you feel weird?

About what?

Last night?

Yeah.

No.

Did you?

A little.

That's stupid.

You want to talk about it?

We're good.

An oil can smell different
on like different people.

Like frankincense smell
totally different on me

than it does on you.

Uh, it's has to do with,
like, the person's chemistry.

I think somehow like
personality comes in some way,

but that's, you know, that's

more about synergy
and stuff like that.

It might have to do with,
like, blood flow

and stuff like that as well.

I'm not- I'm not totally sure.

But you want to try
to match it up with people.

The way I kinda do it,
people like to think like

dark goes with dark people,

light goes with light people.

I think that's totally wrong.

I think it has something to do
with like the skin texture,

how soft the skin is, you know?

And, like,
how open your pores are.

And also tell 'em
to put it on their vital spots--

their ears, on their wrists,

people put it
all over their body.

Put it their hair.

Why are your fingers so dirty?

I'm workin' hard.

[chuckles]
What you been doin'?

[laughs]

♪ Why my soul is--

So you heard about
Sodom and Gomorrah, right?

Yeah.

Okay, you know what's
happening in Sodom,

but I want to know what
everyone was doin' in Gomorrah.

[laughs]

Alright, back to work.

You think there's
any cops out here?

Why?

I don't think what
we're doin' is illegal.

Sure?

Nope.

[laughs]

Saint card, Sir? Saint card?

Saint card?

I don't think you'll miss.
Saint card? Good luck.

Buy a Lotto ticket, Miss?

Two dollars.

Alright, two dollars.

Lotto ticket miss. Saint card?

Sure?

Sir, Lotto ticket, saint card?

How about you, Miss?
Lotto ticket, saint card?

Would you like
a Lotto ticket, saint card?

Big money.

You can get, like,
Halle Berry, Jennifer Lopez,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Miss, would you
like a Lotto ticket?

You could quit your job.

Get a maid, get a,
you know, servant?

Would you like to buy
a Lotto ticket, saint card?

That's a nice dress.

You'll buy a lot more
of those nice dresses with it.

No.

Sure?

Excuse me,
everybody on Fulton Street.

You want to sniff the air.
Smell it.

It smells good, don't it?

You like a saint card, Miss?

Lotto ticket?
Seven million dollar jackpot.

They work.

It's a lot of money.

You could do a lot
of things with that?

Thanks anyway.

We got that
Fresh Linen
,
we got that
French Women ,

we got that
Nubian Princess
,

we got that
God's Love
,
we got that
Golden Tear ,

we got that
Sweat but Don't Fret .

We got
Orange Groove
,
we got
Watermelon Crush ,

we got
Grape Crush
,
we got
Grape Groove .

We got
Tales of Two Titties
,
we got
Tales of Two Cities
,

we got
Tales of Two Heads
.

I got
Tales of Two Dragon Salivas.

They taste good. Mmm.

[inhales]
[sighs]

Lotto tickets, saint cards.
Smell good.

You know what I'm sayin'?
They work.

Hey, what's- what's this?
Man.

You ain't gonna--
What's- what is- what is this?

Lotto ticket, Sir.
Seventy million dollar jackpot.

-You sure, man?
-I got a perfect one for you.

I got this
Barack Obama
right here.

Barack Obama
.
It's crazy.

It makes white men
smell like black men,

so white women
will love black men more.

That make sense?

There's nothingwrong with that.

There's nothing
wrong with that at all.

[laughs]
I love it. It works.

[chuckles]
Take a little whiff of that.

You could open it up
if you want to,

place some
wherever it is you like.

It's all good.

It smells like hope.

Would you want to get it?

Yeah, you know what?
I really do.

Alright.

Five dollars for
a card for you, Sir.

Well, you better put your
track shoes, 'cause I'm bookin'.

Will you-
will you deprive a kid?

How you doin', Sir?
You been workin' hard?

I know you want to work hard

and you want to smell good
while you're workin' hard.

You want to smell good
while you're workin' hard,

so I got smell goods for you.

Tell your friends about me.

My name is Maalik.

How about you, man?
Lotto ticket, saint cards?

What do I gotta do?

-Saint Peter.
-What's that?

It's for a college fund, man.

You're gonna give
me this for five dollars?

Yeah, and you can
get a saint card, too.

I'm an atheist.

Good try, buddy.

Archangels are the highest
of the nine orders of angels.

Archangels, angels,
principalities, virtues,

powers, dominions,
seraphims and cherubims.

Mmm.

Look at the pretty colors.
Gorgeous colors.

How you doin'?

You good now?

You good?

[laughs]

This one right here
is
God's Love
.

Isn't that lovely name?

And we got
Nubian Princess
right here.

Zap. Mmm-mmm.

Can I smell these?

[OVERLAPPING AD-LIBS]

Yeah?

So what are you sellin'?

Lotto tickets,
saint card, smell good.

Are they free?

Nothin' in life is free.

Did you see there were cops
at Willoughby and Fulton?

Dead ass?

Yeah.

Alright.
We'll just steer clear.

Yeah, I'll meet you out there.

Yo, could I see
that hat right there?

How much?

One dollar, please.

Why you wastin' all your
college tuition on mangoes?

Gotta spend money
to make money, right?

So messy.

Muhammad ate mangoes.

How do you know that?

Always read about
him eating mangoes.

You enjoying that mango?

[chuckles]

Yes, I am.

Yeah.

It is terrific.

Hey, what'd you
dream about last night?

I can't remember.

I always have these dreams
where I'm paralyzed.

You gonna ask me
what I dreamt about?

What did you dream about?

I dreamt I was pregnant.

[laughs]

Amazing.

[chuckles]
No, it wasn't amazing.

It freaking hurt.

How does it hurt in your dream?

Man, look at all these condos.

This one has a pool.

They're makin' this place
look like Manhattan.

This is Brooklyn.

Everybody wants
to live in Manhattan.

That's why they make
Brooklyn look like Manhattan.

Hey, how you doin'?

Man, fuck all these
homes and condos.

What is that?

I made it for you.

-For me?
-For you.

-For me?
-For you.

What?

Made it for you.

Gimme this.
Gimme the rock.

I will keep it.

I will put it up
in my dresser...

Thank you, brah.

-for you.
-Yes.

-'Cause you--
-Yes.

"The unmarried woman
or unmarried man

"found guilty
of sexual intercourse,

"lash each one of them
with a hundred lashes

"and do not be
taken by pity for them

"in the religion of Allah

"if you should believe
in Allah on the last day."

Alright.

On your mark, get set, go!

What are you--
[grunts]

[breathing heavily]
Boy, you better run it.

Boy, you better run it!

[grunts]

[laughs]

Only Allah can judge me.

I'm sure of that.

You know,
all these people are---

What are they?
They perfect now?

No.

We'll see.

We'll see when we meet Muhammad.
I'll pray for them.

We'll see.

You think the
world's getting better?

Yeah.

Mmm.

I don't think so.

Change gets too much credit.

People confuse it with progress.

They don't even
realize the truth.

Change happens all the time.

Bad change.

What are you talking about?

Things are improving
all the time.

They mostly regress.

No one respects anyone anymore.

More inmates
than there were slaves.

Education's for shit
unless you're loaded.

You can't get rich
unless you were born rich.

I mean, yeah.

I don't know, man.

Bad times, real bad.

You want a Lotto card?

Some--
Want some smell goods?

[sighs]

Want a saint card?

Man, I don't
totally disagree with you,

but it's really not as bad
as you're makin' this out.

You're only
focusing on the negative.

I mean, look.

There's bike lanes
all over the city.

-Bike lanes?
-Yeah, bike lanes.

People in America
were getting too fat,

so now there's bike lanes.

Terrorism.

That has definitely made
the world a worser place.

I mean, they take
away people's rights.

Wiretaps, full body scans.

So, you want bombs on planes?

No, I'm saying that
everybody shouldn't suffer

for what a few do.

-Alright, I understand.
-That's all.

If it only happens
to one person,

that's called profiling,

but if it happens to everybody,

that's what
makes it fair, right?

How is it fair when you can
barely go through the airport

without being
considered a terrorist

because of the way you look?

It's how airports
have always been.

Goin' through the fucking
security checks,

everyone hated that
since the beginning of time.

That's nothin' new.

Whatever.

[grunts]

Huh?

Almost fell.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

There's nothing convenient
about that thing.

I don't see why use it.

Sometimes you get on
my nerves, you know that?

-When did you get so tense?
-Don't do that.

Why?

-Nobody's lookin'.
-You don't know that.

You think it's wrong
to sell these?

They're like prophets.

Uh-- Uh,

"We have believed in Allah
and in what was revealed to us

"and what was revealed to
Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, Jacob

"and the descendants,

"and in what was given
to Moses and Jesus

"and to the prophets
from their Lord.

"We make no distinction
between any of them."

Mmm.

Well, now.

I mean, I guess it's really
not haraam to be sellin' 'em.

"God will pay those who
believe and do good deeds

"their reward in full.

"God does not love evildoers."

Guess that means you.

Shut up.

Mmm.

Hey, I had a really
good time last night.

Me, too.

Yeah.

Were you really
gonna buy that gun?

What gun you talkin' about?

Gun the guy
was trying to sell us.

Oh, yeah.

That gun.

[laughs]

[scoffs]
No.

I was just trying
to make you laugh.

You are a real comedian.

[laughs]

Alright.

"Health care has gotten
better in past ten years.

"New hospital intake methods
result in fewer deaths

"and war, too."

So?

"Crime has gone down and so
has deaths when crimes happen."

It took forty stab wounds
to kill Caesar.

It would have took way more
with today's medicine.

Really.

No, but seriously.

Why don't you agree with me?

The world's starting
to become a worse place.

Because you're wrong.

Whatever.

I want to sell more.

I'm selling these now.
You want some candy?

Yo, these are not candy,
and the truth ain't as sweet.

Hold on.

Come here.

[sexual moaning]

[laughs]

[sexual moaning/panting]

Uh, I want to,
but I'm not going to.

[sighs]

[groans]

Alright.

Oh, God.

♪

Have a nice day.

Want a Lotto ticket?

Two dollars.

That's too much.

Two dollars.
Sorry, we gotta make money.

Mmm.

Man, I think that woman's a cop.

Where, there?

I don't know,
there's cops everywhere.

[sighs]

Alright, I gotcha.

One dollar.

I hope I win.

Yeah.

You sold her
the ticket for half?

That was altruistic of you.

Whatever.
I don't believe in that stuff.

Altruism doesn't exist.

Crowded subway,
there's a shooter.

You have
an eighty percent chance

to save the life of another

and twenty percent chance

to save your own
in the process.

What would you do?

I just don't see the point.

If that person lives or dies,
what's the difference to you?

All that matters is your life.

You're acting heroically.

That's stupid.

That's some stupid ass thinkin'.

Don't believe in heroes.
They're always just selfish.

Kitty Genovese, raped
and murdered in public view.

Tons of people heard her cries.

You would've walked by.

No.

But I wouldn't risk
my crazy neck to save her.

Yes, you would have.

I would have called the cops
from a safe place, maybe.

That's so cowardly of you.

You aim to be
an unhelpful bystander.

It's just safer to do nothin'

if something
dangerous is happenin'.

So why sell her
that ticket for half?

[chuckles]

Can't leave net losses, man.

So, what crawled
up your ass and died?

Nothin'.

It's a sweet ass, though.

It's a big ass.

[laughter]

You think everybody's a cop.

She was a cop.

-Hey, man.
-Uh, hey.

Can I interest you in a
Lotto ticket and/or saint card?

Oh, I don't know. I--

Uh- uh, this is a jackpot,
and these-

these are your miracle workers.

How about you come
up to my apartment?

I'll buy one there.

Just forgot my wallet.

What?

You can't go up there.

I need to make another sale.

[sighs]

What are you
goin' up there for?

Sell cards.

You're just messin' with me,
so I don't sell anything.

What?

-You're serious?
-Can I go?

Yeah, religion isn't my thing,
but I love art and ideas.

Uh, is this what the locals

celebrate in this neighborhood?

It's similar to what's
going on in Rhode Island,

but a little less uh, blue
collar, if you catch my drift.

[chuckles lightly]
Am I losing you?

Not really.

Did you, uh, grow up here?

-Not far, yeah.
-Yeah.

Well, I gotta tell you,
I love this neighborhood.

It's so, uh, vibrant, it's rich.

See, this is why
I love New York.

I'm on the street,
and, uh, I meet a nice guy.

He comes on up.

New York City,
it's like a Mecca

for meeting new people, hmm?

-The, uh, money.
-Thanks.

Here's two.

[sighs]

You want one?

Sure.
They're weird.

And you're sweet.

It's an, uh, old hobby of mine.

I have hundreds more
in the back.

Hmm.

Hundreds, huh?

You should take a look.

I have somebody waiting for me.

So, come back later.

I don't know if I could make it.

Hey, could I uh,
get your number?

Yeah.

[cell phone vibrates]

Excuse me.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

I'm with the FBI.

What's your name?

Maalik Al Muhammad.

Did you try to buy a gun today?

No.

Though someone offered
me one, and I said no.

What have you been doing, then?

I went to school,

and I was selling stuff on
the street with my friend, Naz.

Is that all?

We went to our mosque, hung out.

And what were
you doing yesterday?

I was at school,
and then I went to Naz's house.

What's Naz's last name?

Hasan.

What'd you do after that?

I stayed for a while.

'Til late.

♪

[laughter]

Hi.

Are you Naz Hasan?

Yes.

I just spoke with
your friend, Maalik.

He's inside.

Who are you?

[chuckles lightly]
Excuse me.

I'm Sarah Mickell.

I'm with the FBI.

Can I, um, maybe ask you
a couple questions

just to sort of get
to know the neighborhood?

Okay.
A few minutes.

Um, how old are you, Naz?

Eighteen.

And, uh, what's your full name?

Naz Abdul Rakim Hasan.

Are you Muslim?

Yes.

Would you say
that you're devout?

Yes.

Do you only eat food
prepared in the halal way?

Yes.

Pray five times
a daily and keep salat?

I try.

Do you know anyone who, um,

has recently traveled
to East Africa or Pakistan?

No.

Anyone in your family
have ties to fundamentalism?

I don't really
understand what this is about.

Well, I'm just, um,

getting to know
the neighborhood.

My parents and
immediate family are orthodox,

but it's not like we'd
stone someone for adultery.

Do you have a girlfriend?

No.

Okay, um,
[sighs]

just a couple more questions.

Um, where were you last night?

At the house of my friend, Dan.

Dan who?

Daniel Al-Zawar.

Really?

Yeah.

You were there last night
the whole night?

I spent the night.

Here?

No.

At my friend
Dan's in Fort Greene.

Look, just so you know,
it's, um,

it's a federal crime
to lie to an FBI agent.

Okay.

Okay.

Great.

Well, thanks so much
for helping me out.

Aren't you going in?

I need to get a soda.

Thank you.

[sighs]

[grunts]

Who let you in?

Cala.

But she's at the movies now.

What the fuck was that?

What do you mean?

What the hell
is wrong wit'chyou?

A few things.

Special Agent Sarah Mickell,
the FBI lady,

you didn't want to text me
she was comin' by?

I did.

I called you.
You didn't answer my calls.

You didn't say
what it was about.

Call me back then.

This is about earlier, isn't it?

I called you earlier.

You could say whatever you
want, but you're lying to me.

You screwed me over on purpose.

What?

I didn't.

I wouldn't.

I love you, man.

I'm not so sure
about that right now.

[clicks tongue]
Alright.

[grunting/chuckling]

Ew,
you're wearing potion shit.

Oh, that's some
Baby Mama Drama .

[chuckles]
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

[laughs]

Hello.

Hi, Mom.

Are you stealing stuff
from your sister again?

No.

Don't do that.

What were you doing?

We needed her
calculator, for sales.

You're doing that again?

Yeah, we sold a lot today.

Oh, great.

I'm gonna say hi to your dad.

As-salaam alaykum, Maalik.

Alaykum as-salaam.

I got you a hat.

Thanks.

We gotta go.
I'm having dinner at Maalik's.

You know it's
gonna be fine, right?

She's not onto us

for the Lotto cards
and the saint cards and candy.

-She could be.
-She's not.

She's just checkin' us out.
That's it.

Well, we're not terrorists.

Fuck that.

What if she tells our parents?

Why would she tell our parents?

Well, you could
at least say you're sorry.

Hey, did she
molest you or somethin'?

No.

-My goodness.
-What are you smilin' about?

You're so sensitive about this.

Come on.

You could at least
say you're sorry.

About what?

Earlier.

I'm sorry, I'm never sorry.

So, you're sorry
you're never sorry?

Not really.

-So you never felt guilt?
-Nope.

Remorse?

Absolutely not.

[clanging on bars]

[grunting]

Hit, hit, hit,
hit, hit, hit, hit.

Die, you evildoer, die.

Die, you evildoer.
[grunts]

What happened with
the guy I left you with?

Who?

The guy.

What'cha talkin' about?

I think you do.

The hot yuppie guy, man.

Oh.

He was cool.

Did he get anything?

A ticket.

And he gave me these.

Little beanies?

What are you
gonna do with those?

Mark 'em up for the subway.

[scoffs] I really question
the intelligence of that move.

Yo, I question the intelligence
of your intelligence constantly.

What?

No, you don't.
I'm a genius.

Alright, let's go get
these bikes and this chicken.

Grab that.

[scoffs]

Excuse me.

Sorry to bother you.

Will you help my family pay for
my brother's cancer treatment?

Here.

Thank you.

[grunts]

I give away money once a day.

To bums?

Those were kids.

The other had cancer.

That's dumb.

Wow.

That money's not
gonna amount to shit.

Plus, you're only supposed
to give away to Muslims.

Hello, Sir.

Can I interest you in a
saint card or a Lotto ticket?

Seventy million dollar jackpot.

-Alright.
-Here you go, Sir.

Seventy million dollar jackpot.

-Big money.
-Who's not employed?

Sir, you want to look at it?

Yo.

Yo.

Fifty cent, my man.

Uh-huh.

Got your bag.
We thank you.

Look at these right here.

A Lotto ticket.

Got a lot more of those.

Lotto tickets.

Thank you, Sir.

Where's your hat at?

I gave it
to the kid with cancer.

Why?

They need it more than I did.

Need it more?

Why would you give away
somethin' I just gave you?

I'll give you your money back.

It's not about the money.

Why would you give
something that I gave to you?

Why would you just give away
a forty dollar hat like that?

That's some
stupid ass shit, Naz.

Now some kids with
cancer got a brand new hat.

Wow, good for them.

I was tryin' to do this nice,
sweet thing for you,

and you're just gonna

give my shit
away to some little thieves?

-Fuck you, man.
-Don't do me that way again.

Gonna hit you in the face.

Jesus.

Let's just try again.

Fuck off.

We're done for the day.

Are you an asshole?

Remember when
I sold that homeless lady

the Lotto card for two dollars?

Yeah.

That was me
givin' alms to the poor.

That was you hustling the poor.

I sold her something
of value at a fair price.

Lotto cards have zero value.

So, then, why do you sell 'em?
Why does anybody buy them?

[automated voice announcement]

So, what happened again
with the yuppie?

Literally, nothin'.

Alright, later on then.

I said nothing!

Oh, so you guys we're just
talkin' about Beanie Babies

and shit like that,
and that's it?

I'm just tryin
to sell things.

What?

I'm trying to raise
money for college.

You're trying to raise money
for college

by going into strangers' houses

and selling 'em Beanie Babies
and the saint cards

or whatever the fuck else?

Why are being so paranoid?

I'm being paranoid?

I called you twice.
I fuckin' texted you.

I'm not hearing anything back.

What am I supposed
to think, Naz?

What, are you jealous?

Yes.

Maybe I am.

You need to show me
some more respect.

[sighs]

You know, uh, Deshawn
from science class?

Right?

The one's who's been flirtin'
with me for a few months?

He wants to invite me
over to the house tomorrow.

His mom said it's alright.

She's not gonna be home, but
she's totally cool with that.

-Are you cool with that?
-Okay.

As long as you don't fuck him.

Well, at least I'll fuckin'
text you back and let you know!

I'll let you know
everything that's happening.

You're the fuckin' asshole, Naz.

Yeah!

I'm not a fuckin' asshole.

Kid at home got
a two foot long dick!

I know he's my son!

[laughs]
Oh, boy, I tell ya.

Crazy.
[chuckles]
Oh, crazy.

Oh, you don't feel like talking!

Well, excuse me!

I was just making what's
called polite conversation!

White niggers!

Steve Jobs!

Mitch Romney!

Cary Grant and Donald Crumbs.

Trumps!

A category of people I dislike.

Come on, train!

I hate these trains!

Waiting for the G train.

Come on!

I hate the G train!

Give it up.

Give it up.

Give it up.

Give it up!

When is it gonna come?

[P.A. Walla]

Aw, man!

Surprise!

I'm here!

[laughs]

[laughs]
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Don't touch this bag.

I got
millions of dollars in here.

This is worth millions
[laughs]

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[laughs]

Iran!

What's the deal with Iran?

Iran is run by a
crazy motherfucker called

Achamadimejad.

For a guy who claims he
hates the gays and the Jews,

Abamedoomadoobie
always in New York!

[laughs]

I gotta go.

You've all been
a great audience.

[laughs]

Yeah.

[laughs]

Here.

Thank you.
Oh, love your nails.

[laughs]

What?

He did the train
a good service, man.

[laughs]

Hey.

Hey.

What'd you say to the
FBI lady about last night?

She asked where I was,
things like that.

What'd you say?

Just what I said
to my parents,

that we were at Dan's.

What?

I told her the truth.

Why did you tell her the truth?

Listen to yourself.

She's not our parents.

We agreed that was our line
to our parents, to whoever.

What the hell?
You don't lie to an FBI agent.

I could go to jail for this.

Yeah.

But don't say that.

You mean don't
drag you into this.

Well, it kinda
sucks for me, too.

It'll come out
real fast why you lied.

You deserve this
just as much as I do.

Say you're sorry.

No.

We need to go to Dan's
and talk to him or somethin'.

She'll probably go there too.

Fuck you.

I tried to warn you.

Take out your phone.

-Take out your phone!
-No.

You see where it says,
"Call me?"

Did you call me?

Allah's punishing us.

This is Allah punishing me
for trusting you.

[cell phone vibrates]

Fuck.

Now your sister knows, too?

Yeah, we got into a big
fight at home this morning.

I thought you said

everything was good
at your house this mornin'.

Yeah.

And that was a lie.

I always wished
my brother would find out

and tell my parents for me.

I'll tell my
father at his grave.

-What are we gonna say to Dan?
-I don't know,

but if it's gonna work,
we gotta get in there now,

because she can't
see us walk in,

and I'm pretty sure
she's on her fuckin' way.

[intercom ringing]

Hey.

As-salaam alaykum.

-Alaykum as-salaam.
-Alaykum salaam.

What you think, man?

-Oh, he's a'ight.
-Yeah, alright.

You know, I don't care to meet
your little ugly nephew either.

Not bad.

Not bad?

This right here is the next
president of the United States.

-A young Barack Obama.
-Whatever.

-Look at him.
-You drop him yet?

Ain't nobody around here
droppin' no baby, man.

How much you clowns
make today, anyways?

-We sold all sorts of stuff.
-Shh.

Potions, peanuts, oils.

-Oils?
-These crazy prayer cards.

And some--

Like two hundred dollars
in two hours.

Then let me in on five.

Ah, yeah.
What the hell?

"Blessed Catherine,
Child of God."

Man, this is some haraam trash.

I made sixty,
but I picked up something

I think is gonna
be worth a lot more.

Oh, Lord.
What did you pick up?

What the fuck?

That's what- that's what you--
Really? Seriously?

You know, that stuff stinks.

Watch me profit it
on the flip side.

Profit?

On stuffed snake?

[chuckles]
That's a horrible investment.

Whatever.

They were a gift.

I'd re-gift that one ASAP.

Can I have some water?

Uh, I'm a little occupied
with my little soldier.

You can, uh, go over
there and get you some.

Alright.
[mock growl]

Hmm.

[mock growl]

Good baby, man.
I love the kid.

Come on, baby.

Good little baby.

Listen.

Do you think
it's wrong to be gay?

[sighs]

Yeah, man.

Islam is a poem.

It's not complicated like that.

Yeah, but a lot of things
are a lot more haraam

clearly in the Qur'an.

Sodom, Gomorrah.

That was about rape,
that wasn't about being gay.

Okay, so your point?

Gays are fasiq.

Well, then, we have
something else to tell you.

[door chimes]

Man, hold on.
Let me get that, door.

Just watch the baby.

Who is it?

Sarah Mickell.

Mm-hm.
Gimme a second.

Well, there she goes.

[sighs]
We blew it.

[baby coos]

Hi.
Are- are you Dan Al-Zawar?

Who are you?

Uh, I'm with the FBI.

I was just assigned
to this neighborhood.

What are you doin' here?

Were your friends Maalik and
Naz at your house last night?

Uh, why are you asking?
Are they in trouble?

No, they're um, there's- there's
just been some discrepancies

in the information
I've been given.

I'm- I'm just fact-checking.

I'd rather not answer any
more questions without my,

mmm, attorney present.

Oh.

I mean, uh, is something wrong?

No.

At all?

[clicks tongue]
No.

Because the thing is,

Naz said that they
were here last night,

so I'm--
[chuckles]

I don't know
anything about that.

I guess there's been
some confusion, so, um,

so that they- they
weren't here, huh?

I just got my, uh,
sister's kid to go to sleep.

I kinda have to go
take care of that.

-Um--
-Oh.Oh, okay.

Anything else?

By any chance, do you think
your friends Maalik and Naz

might be linked romantically?

They're good people.

Uh, yeah.
I assume so.

Yeah.

[sighs]

[footsteps coming up stairs]

You guys are gay?

Yup.

Yeah.

That was an FBI agent.

-She still out there?
-Yeah.

-But hold on.
-I gotta go.

[grunts]
Why are you in my way?

Because she asked me
where you were last night,

and I told her you weren't here.

Yeah?

Yeah.

-Am I in trouble?
-No, but we are.

You are.
Fuck you.

So are you!

No, I'm really not.

I can't stand you!

What gave us away?

[sighs]
I've known for a long time.

[horns beeping]

Stop!

Stop!

Please.

Stop.

[breathing heavily...]
[gasps]

I was in there at Dan's.

Now, you were in there?

Last night you weren't?

When are you gonna tell me
what's really going on here?

Maalik and I were at my
parents' house last night.

What did I say earlier?

It is a crime to lie
to a federal agent!

Lady, I'm gay!

You don't understand.
They'll disown me!

I don't care.

No, the FBI does not care.

My parents can't find out

just 'cause you're
new to the neighborhood.

That doesn't mean that
you can lie to the FBI.

Fine!

Fuck, arrest me!
'Cause I'm gonna fuckin' die

if my parents find out
this way anyways.

Hey, put your hands up.

[breathing heavily]

What's in your backpack?

Cards, money.

I sell Lotto tickets,
saint cards.

What are these?

Saint cards.

I thought you were Muslim.

It is unbelievable
how much my time

you two have wasted today
with this shit.

Uh, we're so sorry
to have wasted...

your time and the
government's time.

Is he your boyfriend?

What's this?

She's gonna
arrest you right now.

Did I say that?

No.

We hook up sometimes.

Yes, I guess so.

-Last night?
-Mm-hm.

Like I told you,
we were at his house.

We were alone.

Is that a problem, Ma'am?

It is not.

Do you have a gun?

No.

I'm gonna frisk you both.

[sighs]

We'll talk again soon.

Have a nice evening.

Don't let me catch
you two cutting up again.

Okay?

[sighs]

[chuckles]

Oh, you're under arrest.

[grunts]
Not.

[laughs]
Yeah.

Should we talk to Dan?

Aw, no, no.
We have to go home.

He's cool?

I don't think he wants
to talk about it anymore.

Plus, we still have to get
the chicken for my mom.

-Ah.
-Aw...

The live place?

Come on, man.

Ooh!

You're one lucky bastard.
[chuckles]

So, you know,
that- that was a miracle.

Yeah.

Thought she was
gonna arrest us, man.

Oh.

She was going
to arrest you, please.

Arrest you.

You were the one
with the gun to your head.

You're the one padding
the statistics here in Brooklyn,

-where the black--
-She was gonna arrest you, too.

What?

How?
What did I do?

-Whatever.
-What did I do?

-Nobody listening to you.
-Yo, nobody

gonna appreciate these days,
I come and save people's asses

and they don't even
want to say thank you.

♪

Um, it smells like...

mm, it smells like...

Hello, guys.

[chickens clucking]

[scat singing]

Uh, hey,
you want some eggs, man?

-Why they black?
-Guinea fowl.

Oh, yeah.
Guinea fowl.

I don't know my mom
like Guinea fowl.

Alright.

You know what?

Let's go with these.

Turn around.
Open your bag.

Mm-mm.

You're not gonna put
that in my book bag.

Are they not
gonna kill it for us?

No, you are.

No.

Yes, I said so.

No way.

Yes, way.
Yes sirree, Bob.

Which one?

Hey, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Unh-unh-unh-unh. Oh.

[chicken clucking]

Here we go!

There we go.

It's alright.

It's beautiful.

Ooh, ooh.

There we go.
Alright, we out.

[chicken clucking]

You're sick.

You don't like me.
You love me.

I'm not killing
that fucking chicken.

Look, we are killing
this whole bird

on the roof,
halal style, alright?

I eat meat, I don't kill it.

That's hypocritical.

Halal is
compassionate by definition.

♪

[footsteps coming]

[knocking]

Sorry, but...

why is there a chicken running
through the apartment?

[chuckles]
I'm sorry.

He must have
escaped from his box.

Uh, happy birthday.

It's your present, Mom.

Do you maniacs even know
how to slaughter a chicken?

Actually, Naz does.

[chuckles]

Go catch it, please.

-I have to go to a meetin'.
-I got it.

Have to work on my birthday.

-Bye.
-Mm-hm.

[door closes]

[sexual moaning/
heavy breathing]

I don't think we should.

Hmm? Why not?

No, no.

[sighs]
Oh my God.

You're right.
We should restrain ourselves.

It's haraam.

[sighs]

This is you.

"Curled and coiled
and ready to play."

Stop.
[chuckles]

"He waits patiently every day.

"He'll keep his best friend,
but not his skin,

"and always stay with you
through thick and thin."

[chuckles]

And this is you.

Mm-mm.
Let me see.

"Early as a red-breasted robin,

"for a worm
he'll soon be bobbin'.

"Always known
as a sign of spring,

"this happy robin
loves to sing." That's corny.

[chuckles]

[laughs]
Oh.

I still want to see you
kill that chicken, though.

No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes.

That's all.

Bunga-bunga.

[laughs]

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

[groans]
[clicks tongue]

Hold on, hold up.

Alright.

More.

You good?

-You good?
-Yes.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

Now, isn't this nice?

[shrieks]

Come on, man.

Alright, you ready?

Alright, so when I take
the chicken out, move the box.

Alright, move it.

Alright, come on.

-Come on. You ready?
-Put down the chicken.

I got him, I got him, I got him.

I got him, I got him.
Come on.

[speaks in Arabic]

It's sacrilegious, man.

Are you joking?

This is very religious.
Come on.

-No.
-Come on!

N- no.
I won't do it.

Come on, go!

No!

Oh my goodness, gimme the knife.
Aw, fuck!

Get off me!

[sighs]

Fuck you!

Fuck you.

Calling me a fake Muslim?
You can't even do halal?

This is what we do!

-Fuck you!
-Shit.

Fuck.

[sighs]

Can't you just cut the chicken?

What is wrong with you, man?

Fuck you!

Fuck you!
Cut the chicken.

We've been
plannin' this all day!

You're such a baby.

[brakes squeal/thud]

What was- what was that?

What's the-- Fuck!
The chicken!

[car horn blaring]

Oh my goodness!

[groans]
Fuck.

Come on, hurry up.

[groans]

Relax.
You've been in an accident.

Naz.

Naz!

You need to go inside now
and put some clothes on.

He's in bad shape.

Back the fuck off!

Alright, then you
deal with him then.

We can't be naked
out here on the streets.

I know!
He's fucking delirious.

He doesn't know where he is!
Could you help me, please?

[gasping]

Alright, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Come on, hurry up.

Shit, look at this guy's head.

[moaning]

-Call nine-one-one.
-Where am I?

I don't have my phone.

Me neither.

Somebody!

Call nine-one-one!

Naz, come on, come on, come on.

It's not us.
Come on.

You're gonna be okay.

[moans]
You're gonna be okay.

Call nine-one-one!

[moans]

[sirens blaring]

Sir, what happened?

He crashed.

I was in my apartment.

He tried to avoid something.

-I tried--
-Sir, are you alright?

[moans]
Did you see it happen?

No.

Alright, alright, alright.
Go!

Thank you.

[moans]

Sir, hang in there,
okay, with me.

Hang in, buddy.
An ambulance is on the way.

Okay?

Go, go.

Go to the-
go to the Poultry Spot an-

and get them to give you
a chicken, a live chicken.

It's on Classon.
Hurry up!

Go!

Hey!

I'm busy right now.

Maalik?

That's fucked up.

Leave me alone.

You're not my brother.

You're a fake.
A fake Muslim.

A fraud.

Hey, fourteen-year-old girl.

What do you know about anything?

Where's your kufi?

I lost it.

Here's twenty-one dollars.

I owe you four.

Hey, Naz.

Hey, Cala.

As-salaam alaykum.

What happened here?

The chicken, it escaped.

He got hit by a car.

Is the driver okay?

Yeah.
[sniffles]

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Are you in trouble?

No.

You guys get home safe, okay?

Yeah.

It's haraam.

Why were you even there?

Were you following me?

Are you always gonna be gay?

I'm leavin'.

Are you gonna tell Mom and Dad?

What do you think?

[ambulance doors close]

I think I'm gonna tell uh,

gonna tell my parents tonight.

See what happens.

About us?

No.

About, you know, being gay.

I can't do this anymore.

It's not good.

With you.

Why?

Because we're gay?

Or because I'm an asshole?

[sighs]

I gotta go.

Talk to you later.

[door closes]

Sir, get off the bike.

NYPD.

[sighs]

What's--

Can't ride your bike
on the platform.

I'm gonna write you a ticket.

Come on, man.
Don't do this to me, please.

Gonna write you a ticket.

If you'd like to contest this,
you can take it up

in a court of law
in downtown Brooklyn.

Yo, I lost a lot of money today.

Information for
that is on the back.

-Please.
-Let me see your ID.

-What do you want me to say?
-Ladies and gentlemen!

Miss Aretha Franklin's
Greatest Jam!

[singing]

Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?

No idea what you're
talking about, Sir.

I need you to sign where
it says "complainant."

Baby comin'.

Miss Aretha Franklin's
Greatest Jam!

[singing in distance]