National Theatre Live: One Man, Two Guvnors (2011) - full transcript

..Drive you round the bend

When she runs it's like a glimpse of the divine

And the thrills are guaranteed
when you ride a rightful speed

On the London to Brighton line

On the Brighton line, on the Brighton line

On the London to Brighton line

And the regulars know
that she likes to tease

When she shudders
all the others stumble to their knees

On the London to Brighton line

Now I can't help but start to drool
as she guzzles up the fuel

And the motion sends a shiver down my spine



I get jealous, can't you see
Cos the guards can ride for free

On the London to Brighton line

On the Brighton line
Yes, the Brighton line

The London to Brighton line

And I swear to you if I could ring her bell

That she’d tell you that no one else
had rung it quite as well

On the London to Brighton line

On the Brighton line
Yes, the Brighton line

She's the London to Brighton line

When her wheels all chatter
and the engine purrs

Well, you never heard a racket
that compares to hers

On the London to Brighton line

You can keep your London to St Leonards-on-Sea
Cos she got the carriage that does it for me

On the London to Brighton line.



– Pauline and Alan!
– Pauline and Alan!

- Come on Charlie, give us a speech
- Speech!

I don't like public speaking.
I'd rather jump out of an aeroplane

Go on then

I've only ever spoken three times,
formally, in public, in my life

And each time I've been banged up by the judge
straight afterwards

I done me best bringing up Pauline on me own,
after her mother... sorry...

Doin' well Charlie

I've had to be her dad and her mum
after her mother...

It's alright dad

After her mother left me and went to live in Spain

It's a disappointment that Jean can't be here in Brighton
at her daughter's engagement party

And a shame she can't even afford a stamp
for a card neither. But I'm not going to go on about it

Alan, welcome to my family

I always wanted a son, and me and Jean
had been trying for a couple of years before she....

But a man can't whatsaname a son,
not on his own, can he. Not yet anyway

I'd like to thank Alan's father, my solicitor

- Ecce homo
- No Latin, please

I have enough difficulty understanding you
when you're speaking English

But, seriously, without Harry,
I wouldn't be here today, I'd be behind bars

Where, let's face it, by rights, I ought to be.
Over to you Alan

- Pauline, I give you my hand
- He wants to be an actor

Captive within my hand is a bird.
This bird is my heart

Is it a real bird?

- No, it's a metaphor
- Oh, lovely

I offer you the whole of my life, as your husband

I could do with a bit of this myself. Know what I mean?

I accept your bird-heart thing,
and I promise to look after it properly

I got a bird in my hand an' all

That's two birds now,
I'm going to have to get in a box of Trill

This bird is my heart, the only one I've ever had

Nunc est bibendum

Keep an eye on these two.
They're going to try and get a room on their own

Champagne!

I think for Pauline and Alan
we need a bucket of cold water

- May I propose a toast. To love! In Latin...
- Oh no

- Ars amandi
- No, Pauline

- 'Ars amandi' is the art of love
- I don't understand

This is why I love her. She is pure, innocent,
unsoiled by education, like a new bucket

– To love!
– To love!

- Dolly, get the door
- Book-keeper or butler? Make your mind up

And if it's carol singers, tell them to piss off.
It's only April

- You're Charlie's solicitor then?
- Harry Dangle. Dangle, Berry and Bush. My card

- No win, same fee?
- That's us

- Charlie tells me you're brilliant
- Put it this way, I got the Mau Mau off

- Are you family Lloyd?
- No, no

An old friend.
Me and Charlie go way back. Parkhurst

Dad, me and Alan, we're going to go up to my room,
to play some records

Do I look like I just came down in the last shower?
No. Mingle

Man, what's going on?
Last week I get this invitation to an engagement party...

- Put that away
- ...of Pauline Clench and Roscoe Crabbe

Which was a shock because I always thought
Roscoe was ginger

He was ginger.
He was as queer as a whisky and Babycham

That was the whole point, it was going to be
a marriage of convenience, wasn't it

But today and it's a different groom, man

Because Roscoe's dead. Pauline and this Alan
wanted to get engaged, so I thought...

- ...I've paid for the sausage rolls, so why waste them?
- Exactly

Man! They don't call you Charlie the Duck for nothing.
Tight, man. Tight as...

Some geezer from London.
Says he's Roscoe Crabbe's minder

Can't be much of a minder, Roscoe's dead

- Is he a face? Does he look handy?
- To be honest, he looks a bit overweight

- Check him out Lloydie, see if he's tooled up
- Charlie, I don't work for you no more

Leave it to me, boys

- More guests?
- Roscoe Crabbe's minder

Oh dear. There's no peace for the wicked.
Nemo malus felix

If all he wants is the cat, he can have it

But I understand there was a knife fight
and Roscoe Crabbe was mortally wounded?

- No, he was killed
- Good riddance

The Old Bill are looking for his twin sister, Rachel,
and her boyfriend

- Because?
- Revenge

The boyfriend testified against Roscoe in court.
Put him away for four years

Man, it's obvious. Who is Roscoe
going to get into a fight with on his first day of freedom?

Rachel's boyfriend

- He's clean. Shall I let him in?
- Yeah

- What can I do?
- She's a smashing girl is Rachel

Nothing like that vicious little toerag of a brother

- It's the little guys who are the worst
- You can say that again

I think Roscoe was a bit whatsaname - you know,
what's that word for someone who likes inflicting pain?

- Police officer?
- No

- Sadist
- That's Roscoe

Unusual for twins to have such different personalities

They was identical twins, you see, Roscoe and Rachel

They were not identical twins.
Roscoe was a boy, and Rachel is a girl

- So?
- Identical means identical

What I want to know is, if Roscoe's dead,
what's his minder doing on my doorstep?

- Who's that?
- It's the Queen

What a beautiful woman.
Someone should write a song about her

This is my engagement party

Your engagement party?
Phew, cos I'm glad it isn't yours...

- ...Beautiful eyes
- Thank you

Don't ever wear glasses.
Even if you need to, you know, for reading

I know exactly what he's after,
and if carries on like this he's going to get it

- What about glasses for driving?
- Are you one of them women's libbers?

- Would that be a problem?
- No, I like a woman who can drive

That way I can go out, have a skinful,
and get home without killing anyone

- Are you married to...?
- I'm single, I'm the book-keeper here

So you're a single, working, driving, book-keeping woman?
Cor!

That's my type. Do want to go to Majorca
for a couple of weeks? Think about it

I got it

I like this geezer.
But he can't tell his arse from a Bank Holiday

Cheddar cheese and pineapple on a stick.
Who first thought of that, eh?

I'll tell you. A genius. Probably Scottish

Alright man? Do you like blues music?
Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, Leadbelly?

- No
- That's a shame. What music do you like?

- Calypso
- Oh dear. I cannot stand Calypso

Still, no hard feelings. I want you to know,
I'm on your side in the struggle

Despite your disappointing taste in music

This man is a clown

Everybody at the circus loves the clowns

So, when you say 'this man is a clown',
what you're actually saying is 'I love you'

- Are you Charlie the Duck?
- No

Oh shit, have I got the wrong house? The invitation...

I'm Charlie the Duck

- You don't look like a duck
- Who are you?

Good idea. Let's do the big questions.
Who am I? Why am I here?

What do you want?

Is there a God? Is he loving or judgmental? Let's hope
he's loving, cos if he's judgmental, we're all in the shit

- You're Roscoe Crabbe's minder
- Yes I am

And I've got an invitation to his engagement party.
This party

Roscoe's dead

If Roscoe's dead, who's that sat outside in the motor,
listening to the shipping forecast?

- Oh my God, no
- He's risen from the dead has he?

Yeah. It only took him two days.
That's one day quicker than the previous world record

So? Can he come in?
To his own engagement party?

- I guess
- Good, I'll go and get him

Dad, no. Don't let him in!
I love Alan, I don't love Roscoe, I never did

- You was perfectly happy with Roscoe six month back
- He's missed the boat

Roscoe Crabbe can be as late as he likes.
And we have an arrangement

An arranged marriage worthy of a Molière farce,
contemptible even in the seventeenth century

Yeah dad, this is the nineteenth century now

Yeah, well, what do you offer my daughter, Alan?
'I want to be an actor'. You can't get more flaky

All I offer is love. My love for your daughter
eclipses poetry. My love is ethereal, pure...

...like the kind of water
you're supposed to put in a car battery

I'm glad you like her

Long time no see, Charlie

Yeah. You look well Roscoe...
all things considered

This is Lloyd, good friend of mine.
Dolly, my book-keeper

My solicitor, Harry Dangle. He's good

- Are you the guy who got the Mau Mau off?
- It wasn't easy

- And 'course, you remember Pauline
- You look fantastic Pauline

Who are you?

Whole nations will be slain
before you take my love from me

- Why's he talking like an actor?
- He wants to be an actor

- Oh alright. Who are you then?
- I am your Nemesis

Francis! What's a Nemesis?

Don't know, guv. Definitely foreign.
I think it might be a Citroën

- What's going on Charlie?
- We thought you was dead

If you thought I was dead,
why would you go ahead with my engagement party?

- You know, I'd already paid for the sausage rolls and...
- If you thought I was dead?

The word was, you were murdered.
Pauline's met someone else

- Horror bollocks, over there?
- Yeah

- So, let's have another go. What's your name?
- Alan

I have a prior arrangement with Charlie and Pauline, Alan.
It's not love, no, it can't be love

This is good news for you, Alan, because the deal
guarantees Pauline...

...complete freedom in affairs of the heart,
as long as she is discreet

My love for Pauline is not discreet; it shouts
from the rooftops 'Look at me, look at me, I am love!'

It shall be my son who marries Pauline.
Come on Alan, we're going

- Don't leave me here Alan
- Mr Charles Clench, you will be hearing from me

- I can explain
- HARRY: Post hoc, ergo hic haec hoc

I shall return. Like a storm.
And everybody will get wet

Pauline. Over here. Behave

It's 1963, Dad.
You can't force me to marry a dead homosexual

- He's not dead is he?
- He is a homosexual though

– We've only got his word for that
–

Come back here...
Give me a minute Roscoe

LLOYD: Hey...

Lloyd Boateng.
My sister worked the bar for you at The Palm Tree

Rachel, yeah. What's she doing?

She runs this nightclub now. It's her boyfriend's.
The Stiletto, Mile End

I've heard it's rough.
Criminals, gangsters, Princess Margaret

- Yeah. It's our crowd
- It's not my crowd man

- You haven't always been straight, Lloydie
- I am now

Rachel met him at York Hall. He was on the card

He won by a second round knockout.
He'd boxed at public school, apparently

- He's got a bit of steel then?
- He's not spineless. Every living thing needs a spine

- Except invertebrates
- Yeah, obviously

- I like your sister. She's a great girl
- And she likes you a lot. She said you could be trusted

The kid's upset. She thought you was dead.
Do you want a sandwich?

Yes! Yes please. We had to skip breakfast, you see

We're going to eat later.
What's your understanding of the deal Charlie?

I settle the debt I owed your father,
paid to you on the day of your engagement

Six thousand two hundred today

Pauline, as your public wife, gets two grand a year
for attending functions on your arm

- And she gets the house in Debden
- And Debden

Have you got the money, Charlie?

- I can give you a cheque. Six thousand two hundred
- Banker's draft. And I'll take the two hundred in cash

Dolly, phone the bank,
get them to knock up a banker's draft for six grand

- For six thousand?
- That's what I said, yeah

- Are you boys staying in Brighton?
- Can you recommend somewhere?

- I certainly can. The Cricketers' Arms
- Do they do sandwiches?

Wash your mouth out. It's a pub that does food

Lloyd is the landlord.
He's had a three year training as a chef

Parkhurst

That might be the most beautiful sentence
in the English language. 'A pub that does food'

- Go ahead in the motor. Where is this pub?
- ...that does food

Go down Clifton Hill, past the British Legion,
right opposite the Methodist Chapel...

Left at the Salvation Army opposite
the Church of the Seventh Day Adventists...

Go past the Jehovah's Witnesses, completely ignore them,
and next door is the St. John's Ambulance

We're round the back of there

- You got that Francis?
- Guv, for a pub that does food, there'll be a star in the sky

I've got the bank on the phone

I don't know why they want to talk to me.
What's the problem?

- Rachel?
- You're looking pretty good Lloydie

Girl? What is all this with the rude boy disguise?

- The Old Bill are looking for me. Can I trust you?
- You're like a daughter to me

Roscoe is dead.
My boyfriend killed my twin brother, yeah

I should hate Stanley for that. But I love him.
Have you ever been in love, Lloyd?

True love? Yes, once. Parkhurst

I'm going to go raise that two hundred folding

Make yourself at home Roscoe.
You know, you're family now

- I have a problem, Lloyd. You
- Me? No way, man

Me and Stanley are going to have
to go and live in Australia

Australia! No Man. Oh my God, no. that's really terrible

Australia... you poor thing, girl
Why Australia? Do you like opera?

Not especially. But we've no choice.
We sail from Southampton on Monday. The morning tide

- The police will be watching the ports, so...
- Brighton's near enough but safer?

And Charlie the Duck lives here, and we need money

I guess.
You said I am a problem. Why's that, girl?

I'm going to rip Charlie off, and Charlie's your friend

No, man. Charlie is as bent as a snake in a bottle

I'm only here today cos I'm hoping
to do the food for the wedding reception

You're safe with me. Where is your Stanley now?

Brighton, somewhere. I've left a letter for him
at the Post Office with instructions for a rendezvous

I pray to God he's alright

Sweet Susie at the seaside

Waiting for her beau

Gets a little itchy
In case he doesn't show

See, he has got a history of leaving her high and dry

Still her ticker skips a beat with every passer-by

Don't let him take you for a fool, Susie

He's playing hard at playing cool, Susie

You teach him not to treat you cruel, Susie

Oh, sweet Susie, who does he think he is?

Well, several ice creams later

And still he hasn't shown

Everywhere there's couples
She's the only girl alone

A pensioner approaches, daundering down the pier

Recognises Susie and bellows in her ear

Don't let him take you for a ride, Susie

Why ain't you got no sense of pride, Susie?

You stitch him up and blow him wide, Susie

Sweet Susie, who does he think he is?

A long time after nightfall

Down there on the shore

There's a single figure feeling sad and raw

Could it be sweet Susie, waiting for him still?

Nah, she's elsewhere partying with Tom and Dick and Bill

You let him wonder where you are, Susie

Keep dancing on that fancy bar

Susie

Where were you hiding that cigar, Susie?

Oh, sweet Susie, you see what you've done?

You've played him at his own sweet game and won.

My father, Tommy Henshall, God rest his soul,
he would have been proud of me, what I done with my life...

...until today

I used to play washboard in a skiffle band

But they went to see the Beatles on Tuesday night,
and sacked me Wednesday morning

Ironic really, because I actually started the Beatles

Yeah. I went to see them in Hamburg. Rubbish

I said to that John Lennon, I said
'John, this is embarrassing'

'You're going nowhere mate.
Have you thought about writing your own songs?'

So I'm skint, I'm busking, I've got me guitar,
mouth organ on a rack, bass drum tied to me right foot

And the definition of mental illness:
cymbals between the knees

There I am, middle of Victoria Station,
I've only been playing ten minutes

This lairy bloke comes up to me, he says
'Do you do requests?'

I say 'yes', he says
'I'd like you to play a song for my mother'

I said 'Of course, where is she?'
He said 'Tasmania'

So I nutted him

This little bloke Roscoe Crabbe seen all this,
comes up, offers me a week's work in Brighton

Says he needs a bit of muscle.
I tell him, I say this is all fat

But I haven't eaten since last night
and I need a wage

And what's my first job in the criminal underworld?

Walk into Charlie the Duck's place in Brighton
and put the fear of God into him. Cor!

That was a bit of a test for my arsehole.
But it's all acting, isn't it

It's all 'What's that, mate? What you say?
You what? Come again?'

'You want some, do you? Come on then'

Come on then, come on then!

I can do that, I'm a geezer

But I can't stop thinking about chips

I'm staying in a pub,
I haven't even got enough shrapnel for a pint

There might be a discarded bag of chips in here

No, come on Francis, you can't go looking through the bins

Concentrate. I must stop thinking about chips

I need to think about something boring, like...

...like Canada

That's as far as I'm going with this mate.
The fare is five and six

- Oh f... Foot and Mouth! Don't be a bad egg about it
- I drive a taxi mate, I'm not Heracles

It's a trunk.
No-one's asking you to hold up the sky for all eternity

Atlas held up the sky.
Heracles took over for five minutes...

...so Atlas could go and get the golden apples
from the Hesperides' garden

Taxi drivers eh... such bloody know-it-alls

Alright mate?

- What's this pub like?
- Ground breaking. It does food

A pub? That does food? Buzz-wam, whoever thought
of that? Wrap his nuts in bacon and send him to the nurse

- What are the rooms like?
- World class

Not that I care. I'm boarding school trained. I'm happy
if I've got a bed, a chair, and no-one pissing on my face

Could you do me a favour and keep a fag's eye
on the trunk whilst I see if they have any vacancies?

- How much?
- Half a crown?

Haddock and chips and mushy peas!
Yeah, alright

Don't even think about it

Oi! Come here! Oi! Oi! Come here!

FRANCIS: Get away from that trunk

Come here!

I need what they call in the Guards a batman. What's
a decent drink for a geezer like you, for a day's graft?

My current guvnor... that is my previous guvnor,
used to pay me twenty pounds a week...

...at the end of the week, which is no use to me

- Why not?
- Because I have to eat every day

Well, I shall pay you five pounds per day

But for today that remuneration would incorporate
the trunk guarding retrospectively

Bloody toffs eh? Why do we let them get away with it?
Alright mate, you're on

Do you know where the main Post Office is in Brighton?

I have absolutely no idea

Oh yeah, it's next door to my Nan's.
My uncle Terry lost a leg in there once

There should be some post for me.
You'll need this letter of authorisation

To whom it may concern,
the bearer is an authorised agent of Stanley Stubbers

- Shhh
- Who's Stanley Stubbers?

Me. But don't call me Stanley Stubbers.
I'm going to have to make up a new name for the pub

What's wrong with 'The Cricketers Arms'?

You're not exactly a Swiss watch are you?

A false name for me, because I am lying low

What do I call you? I don't do first names.
First names are for girls and Italians

Henshall? I like it
A bit rural, it's got bits of livestock under its fingernails

Get my trunk indoors, Henshall,
collect my letters, Henshall. I'll be in my room

Hup-ah! Hup-ah!

Hup-ah! Hup-ah!

Hup-ah! Hup-ah!

Hup-ah! Hup-ah!

Hup-ah! Hup-ah!

Hup-ah! Hup-ah!

Hup-ah! Hup-ah!

Hup-ah! Hup-ah!

Hup-ah! Hup...

Hup... Hup...

Hup...hup...hup..hup...hup...hup...

Duh!

I think I'm going to need a hand with this

Will you two come and help me with this trunk?

That's it. You and you, fella, up you come.

- – There we go.
- –

You come and stand round this side.

- You stand here. What's your name, sir?
- Jez.

Jez. I am Francis. Nice to meet you. And your name, sir?

- Coryn.
- Coryn, I'm Francis.

Coryn, you've not dressed for the '60s.

You're alright.

Listen, before we go any further,
have either of you two got your Equity cards?

Don't worry, nor have I.

As I'm the only person who's elected to wear a tie,

I will take a management position on this.

OK? So I want you to turn this way to face the pub.

Coryn, you turn this way to face this door.

We're gonna do this kinetically, alright, guys?

We want no back injuries up here tonight.

We are bending from the knees, OK?

So, when I say so, we will lower... No, when I say so!

A touch premature there.

Oh, is he?

Stop, no!

I didn't...

Come on!

I didn't mean...

How was I meant to know?

It happens to the best of us, doesn't it, Coryn?
Right, now...

So, when I say so,

we will lower ourselves down,
take hold of the straps with both hands

and on three, we will pick up the trunk, OK?

So, down we go. Lower ourselves down.

Take hold of the straps with both hands.

Ready? And on three... You ready?

One, two, three, go!

Come on, Coryn, put your back into it!

Come on! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I told you it was heavy, didn't I?

I tell you what, Coryn,
you might be better if you face this way.

So you face this way, and down we go.

One, two, three and up. And into the pub.
Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it. Thank you.

You're a good man.

Right. Post office

Francis! Where are you going?

I'm walking round and round in circles
to ward off the hunger pangs

- I will cook you the lunch of a lifetime
- Lunch? I haven't had breakfast yet

- Have you got my trunk out of the car yet?
- I've just done the trunk

Ah... concentrate, Francis.
You're right Roscoe, I'll get your trunk out the motor now

I'll get one of the bar staff to give you a hand

What? You two again?

Come on, out of the pub. Out of my pub.

Stay there.

I've told you two before, this is not that kind of pub!
You're barred

Go on, out!

You know guv, you're a funny kind of bloke

You're only away for a week and you've enough packing
for a year. You know, like a woman

- You think women pack more than they need do you?
- Yeah. And we men let them get away with it

Why do we men let them get away with it?

cos if you said anything,
you wouldn't get your leg over, would you

Are you seriously suggesting that we men are,
day to day, moment to moment...

...making thousands of small tactical decisions...

...the cumulative effect of which
is to reduce the time between leg overs?

That's a fair description of my life

I need you to go to the Post Office and...

Alright guv, stop going on about it.
You only have to tell me once

I haven't asked you to go to the Post Office at all, yet

- Lloyd tells me it's just around the corner
- That's handy

Collect any letters for me or my sister, Rachel Crabbe.
This is a letter of authorisation

- I've got one of those. I don't need two do I?
- How come you already have a letter of authorisation?

This is trickier than I thought.
You're right. I am going to need that

- And any letters you collect are private. Is that clear?
- Don't you worry guv, I won't even read them myself

I'll be in my room

Cor! I've got two jobs, how did that happen?
You got to concentrate haven't you, with two jobs

I can do it, as long as I don't get confused.
But I do get confused easily

I don't get confused that easily.
Yes I do. I'm my own worst enemy

Stop being negative.
I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic

I'll screw it up. I always do.
Who screws it up? You

You're the role model for village idiots everywhere.
Me? You're nothing without me. You're the cock up

Don't you call me a cock up, you cock up

You slapped me?
Yes, I did. And I'm glad I did because...

That hurt. Good. 'Cos you started it

Come here, you! Get your hands off me!

No, no, no!

You wouldn't dare! Wouldn't I?

What is my life?

Am I to eat, drink, sleep, get a good job,
marry, honeymoon, have kids...

...watch them grow up and have kids of their own,
divorce, meet someone else, grow old...

...and die happy in my sleep like every other inhabitant
of Brighton and Hove? What kind of a life is that?

No. I am an artist. Character is action

I cannot allow this late suitor...

That's a pun, that's quite good, maybe I could be a writer

I cannot allow this twice late suitor,
who is both dead and late...

...to come along and end my beautiful dream, like a dead,
discarded Russian astronaut dog landing on my head

My rival's lackey. This will be the beginning of the end

- Where is the dog your guvnor? He will die today
- Do yourself a favour mate, walk away

You have obviously never been in love

Janice Carter, one. Pamela Costello, two
Her gran, three...

Bring the cur out here, now

- You want to speak to my guvnor?
- Speak a little, yes, and then slaughter a lot

Alright, wait here, I'll go and get him

- Have you been to the Post Office yet?
- I was just on my way

- Who's he?
- He wants a word with my guvnor

- I'm your guvnor
- Yes. You are, aren't you

He wants to speak to me, does he?

My ire is like a forest fire.
Fierce, inexorable, enough to ruin several picnics

- This gentleman is called Alan
- Oh bad luck

I'll be at the Post Office

- Are you an actor?
- Does it show?

The way you stand, at an angle.
As if there's an audience over there

My rival in love, Roscoe Crabbe,
arrived from London today and is staying here

Bizarre. Roscoe Crabbe is the name of the chap
I killed accidentally last Saturday evening...

...stabbing him three times in the chest
with a knife I'd bought earlier

He has today claimed my bride, my love, my life

No. Roscoe Crabbe is dead.
I know he's dead because...

Because a friend of mine knows someone, whose dad
works with a chap who says he murdered him

I met him not an hour ago.
He lives, his every breath tortures me

I suppose when I fled the club he wasn't actually yet dead

Oh Jeez! If Roscoe did survive and is in Brighton,
he's here for one reason only, to kill me. Oh my God

No.

He's not staying here. I know him. I would have seen him

Oh. I was led to believe... No matter. My card

If you see him tell him that his life will only be spared
if he gives up his wedding plans

You said your name was Alan?
This card says Orlando Dangle

- Equity already had an Orlando Dangle.
- So you chose 'Alan'?

It's 1963, there's a bloody revolution in the theatre
and angry young men are writing plays about Alans

- What's your name, sir?
- My name?

Buggerello! Going to have to be creative now.
Not my best game

Dustbin... Dustin

Dustin Pubsign

- Pubsign?
- Pubsign.

It's an old Anglo-Saxon guild name

The bakers baked the bread, the Smiths were the blacksmiths,
the Pubsigns... we made the pub signs

It has been a pleasure to meet you, Mr Pubsign

Roscoe's in Brighton! I'd be better off lying low in London
than lying low in Brighton

Poor dear Rachel must be terrified.
Oh God, can this be happening? What to do?

I must go to London, find Rachel.
Damn it, I can't. I have to wait here for Rachel's letter

Oh, God, it's a rozzer!

Lovely day for it

- Lovely day for what sir?
- Fighting crime

Authorisation letter. That can go in this pocket.
Rachel Crabbe. Let's put that in this pocket for now

I'm good at this. I could work for the Post Office.
That'd be three jobs

Another authorisation. That goes in the authorisations
pocket. What's this...? Stanley Stubbers

Don't really need these authorisation letters any more do I?

So this pocket is now for Stanley Stubbers' letters.
Roscoe's sister, Rachel Crabbe...

What are these then? I'm getting confused now. If there's
two letters they definitely need their own pocket

What's this? Stanley Stubbers.
That's the one that tasted nice

Yes.

Not bad for paper.
Bit dry. Could do with a bit more ink

I didn't know paper could taste this good.
I might go back to communion

- Henshall, did you get the letters?
- Yes, all here guv

How many? Just the one I guess

Let's have a look. We've got...

- There's nothing here for you guv
- What are those letters then?

- These are... decoy letters
- Decoy letters?

The Post Office release them like homing pigeons

See how many return,
how many get shot down and run over

The truth Henshall.
Or you'll never bugger the dolphin again

- These are Paddy's letters
- Paddy?

He's a friend of mine who was picking up letters
for his boss, but he hadn't had any lunch yet

So I said I'd pick them up so he could have
haddock and chips and mushy peas

This letter is for my intended, Rachel Crabbe

- You can't open other people's letters
- Why not?

It's a very deep basic human thing
that doesn't need explaining

At boarding school
we opened each other's letters all the time

You also gang raped eleven year old boys.
Which is not normal either

- No?
- No

It felt pretty good at the time

This letter is from Jackie, Rachel's best friend

Dear Rachel,
The police know you fled to Brighton dressed as a man

So The Evening News carried an artist's impression
of what you might look like in men's clothes

You ended up looking a bit like Ringo Starr,
who's already been arrested twice

Rachel, the woman I love, is in Brighton
dressed as the percussionist of a popular beat combo

They also carried a boxing photo of Stanley... That's me

It's so awful that you have to go to Australia.
Love, Jackie. Three kisses

Three kisses? That's a bit girls-only-Greek-island

- Henshall, have you met Paddy's boss?
- No

Find Paddy, tell him to tell his employer I'm staying here

- I'll look for Paddy after lunch
- No, now. This is a matter of life or death

Has anybody got a sandwich?

Seriously. Anyone...?

Oh, come on! There must be a thousand people in here

No-one's got a York ham and mustard?
Bacon, lettuce, tomato? Cheese?

Of all the nights!

Just...

to be clear...

You have a sandwich on you now?

Which clearly you do!

And you are...

prepared to give that sandwich to me?

'If you like?' Oh, what a guy, ladies and gentlemen!

What kind of sandwich is it?

- Hummus.
- Hummus?!

No wonder you haven't eaten it!

I don't really know what to do now!

I mean...

I can say I'm hungry.

I did ask for it, so...

So you might as well hand it over!

I got a minute, if you want a hand
with that trunk of yours

OK, although...

remarkably, this gentleman has a sandwich.

We...we should go and get the trunk

from the car...

I will decline your offer, sir.

But thank you very much.

You'll learn in the not too distant future

you have somewhat messed with the play.

- Francis! Have you got the letters?
- There you go guv

None of yours have been eaten.
I'm going to get your trunk out the motor now

Francis. This letter has been opened

I'm going to have to come up
with a very convincing excuse here

I had to open it because I realised
that there was a small, distressed frog trapped inside

How did you know there was a small distressed frog
trapped inside a sealed envelope?

There was no frog, actually

I also had a letter for me, which I hadn't yet opened,
and I opened yours by mistake

Get my trunk to my room, then come back here.
We need to talk

It's from a friend of mine. Jackie. I like Jackie,
but she's a bit, you know... needy

Ringo Starr? Which one's Ringo? Is that the drummer?
The ugly one with the huge...?

Oh, bloody hell

Love, Jackie. Three kisses.
What's she after?

Basically, it's a condition of the spine.
They call it ankylosing spondylitis

If I try and lift anything heavier
than a knife and fork I go blind

Very convenient

- It's a Viking condition and I'm one third Viking
- And two thirds idiot

- Are you stupid?
- No

I could've gone to university if I'd got the qualifications

- What's your ironing like?
- World class

I've got the equivalent of a 2-1 in ironing from Durham

I need a clean shirt. Ironed.
My shirts are in the trunk. Here's the key

Has Charlie the Duck been here with the money?

- No
- I better go chase him up

He didn't say the shirts needed ironing urgently, did he?

Maybe I could down the High Street and beg for some food

Is your guvnor in? I've got his bangers here

- Sausages?
- Bangers and mash

Sausage and mash in an envelope?
I've just seen the future

No gravy obviously, that'd be stupid

- It's cockney rhyming. Bangers and mash - Cash
- So it's not food then?

It's the two hundred folding for your guvnor.
Don't let me down

When am I going to eat?

- Henshall. Did you find Paddy?
- I've arranged to meet him later, on the pier

- What's that?
- It's an envelope full of money for my guvnor

- I'm your guvnor
- Yes you are, aren't you

Go on, take it. I don't care any more

Must be that pawnbroker down the road.
Did he have a wig, a hearing aid, and a glass eye?

- For sale?
- No, as functioning parts of his anatomy

- He was wearing a hat
- Must be him

I gave him a pocket watch earlier. The one George V
gave my grandfather for planning the Amritsar massacre

I like Brighton. Cash delivered, pubs with food,
it's a better kind of England

I'm going to go in and get on with your ironing

- Initiative. I like it
- I thought we'd already agreed I'd iron your shirts

No, but have a go.
I never understood how irons work

I used to bunk off physics, spent every lesson
in the radiation cupboard trying to make my penis glow

Onward!

Little fella with a body like a seal

One leg is wooden and his mouth is full of steel

But I seen him at the boxing and I had to reassess

He's with this blonde bombshell, she's spilling out her dress

It makes you wonder how he got himself that missus

Six-foot stunner and she's on him like a rash

Every week when she smothers him with kisses

He bungs her an envelope stuffed full of cash

Dodgy politician with a smug little face

Brings about a scandal that leaves him in disgrace

Every day the papers run another slur

Goes to see the Queen and now we have to call him sir

Makes you wonder how he got himself a knighthood

Half an hour earlier he was lying in the trash

A bloke who knows says he was sighted

Bunging her an envelope stuffed full of cash

Thank you very much!

Makes you wonder how the taxman gets a look-in

Dodgy deals and books that need a-cooking

And dirty brown envelopes stuffed full of cash.

I can't marry that tiny, weird looking,
vicious, homosexual, short arsed, runt of a criminal

Why not, what you got against him?

I want to marry for love

Trust me. You don't want to marry for love.
When your mother... when she left me, I...

Don't upset yourself dad. What you trying to say?

I'm trying to say that love passes through marriage
quicker than shit through a small dog

But I love Alan

Marry Roscoe and you get a detached house in Debden.
In the forest. A mile long drive

- From where?
- From the nearest public thoroughfare

A swimming pool, a tennis court, and a horse.
And he won't ever touch you

You just got to go to the boxing on his arm,
show the world he isn't a nine bob note

And at two grand a year
he's paying you more than Bobby Moore is getting

I didn't know he was living with Bobby Moore

They've tried, but they can't make bricks thicker

- Five years ago, you agreed to this agreement
- Five years ago I was young and stupid

- So what's changed?
- I'm a lot older now

Roscoe's back

My future son-in-law is outside? Let him in then.
Make him a cup of tea. Get the bunting out

Let's hope for your sake
that he's not come back here to rearrange my face

Hello Roscoe. Come in son. Did you get your bangers?

I did not get my bangers, no. And I didn't get
no banker's draft neither. That's why I'm here

I give the bangers to that geezer of yours.
The two hundred

Alright. And the six thousand?

Let's have lunch, at The Cricketers.
I'll have it all signed off by then

What's she singing about?

This is her grieving for your death from three days ago.
She's always a bit behind

- I'd like a word with her, if that's alright. Alone
- Alright Roscoe. Take your time

- Pauline...
- Piss off! I hate you. You've ruined my life

- I know what would make you feel better
- You bleeding well touch me, and I'll scream

- I have a secret
- I don't want to know anything about your life

I wish you were dead

I can't bear to see her suffer any longer

I am dead

Are you? No, really? What's it like?

- Roscoe, my brother, is dead
- You're Roscoe's brother?

- Sister
- I don't understand

- I'm Rachel, Roscoe's twin sister
- Oh yeah! They said he was one of two identical twins

- It is not possible for identical twins to be different genders
- Why not?

- Because one would be male and the other female
- I don't understand

All you need to know is that I am a woman

- So, hang on, that means, I can't marry you, doesn't it
- More importantly it means you can marry Alan

- Can I?
- In the near future

- I'd better go tell him
- No. My identity must remain a secret. I need your help

I'll do anything to marry Alan. I love him

- I too am in love
- Really? With Alan?

No. His name's Stanley

It's weird isn't it. Love.
I want to talk about him all the time

That's very true.
I try to turn every conversation around to Stanley

So do I. To Alan

Stanley's a very manly name. Alan's kind of heroic. Alan

Stanley killed my own brother, and yet I love him

- Love. It's like being mad, isn't it
- Insane

Look at me. Dressed in my dead brother's clothes

- Maybe this is your way of grieving for him
- Yes. I hadn't thought of that

We girls have to help each other

Sorry, should have knocked. Well, well I never

I'll come back in half an hour. Put a record on

- Charlie, you can go ahead with plans for our wedding
- Right

But I need time... to choose a dress

- And the banker's draft is...
- Roscoe, trust me, the money's no problem

I'd better go tell Laurence Olivier it's definitely off.
Harry Dangle won't like this

Oh bloody heck. What if dad tells Alan?
Alan might think we've had it off

- What would Alan do, if he were to think that?
- He'd go into one. He's known as a dangerous actor

- I can look after myself
- I know, but still, I'd better get to him before dad does

- You swore to keep my secret
- How long do I have to go along with this lie?

Me and Stanley are going to have to live in Australia

Oh no! Australia? Oh no. Oh my God.
Australia? How awful

It'll be a terrible outdoorsy life,
sustained by lager, barbecues, and opera

I sympathise with you.
But my Alan, he's suffering right now

Trust me.
My plan will deliver to you the husband of your choice

- Alan?
- Yes, Alan

And the pain you feel now
will be forgotten in a couple of weeks' time

- The night always seems darkest just before dawn
- What?

That bit of the night, you know,
just before dawn always seems really dark

Although it isn't,
it's just the contrast with the light of morning

I don't understand

Now my old man had an appetite, he could really pack it in

Cos no one bothered to tell him gluttony was a sin

He could polish off a whole roast pig
from the trotters to the snout

And that was just for starters, cos then you'd hear him shout

Gimme one, gimme two, gimme three dinners

Gimme three dinners or four

Gimme five, gimme six, gimme seven dinners

And I'll still have room for more

Gimme eight, gimme nine, gimme ten

And if my belly starts to hurt

Then I'll say when and stop at ten
and then move on to dessert

Now my old man was a lovely soul

But he weren't to everyone's taste

He found it hard to find a girl

With his 98-inch waist

But then one day he met his match
Imelda from up west

She claimed she'd out-eat any man

So they put it to the test

Gimme one, gimme two, gimme three dinners

Gimme three dinners or four

Gimme five, gimme six, gimme seven dinners

And I'll still have room for more

Gimme eight, gimme nine, gimme ten
and if I have to stop I will

The one who eats the least can start
by picking up the bill

Ladies and gentlemen!

Now if your old man's a gannet you'll know it ain't much fun

When he tips the scales

To the tune of half a ton.

Roscoe has insisted on having lunch with Charlie
up here in private, instead of downstairs in the bar

Don't ask me why he wants to eat in private,
I'm not paid to think

Mr Stubbers is having a lie-down, which I guess
you have to do a lot of when you're lying low

I've been nil by mouth for sixteen hours

I'm only alive because me gall bladder's
worked out a way of eating me kidneys

But the good news is, it's lunch time.
There's going to be food everywhere

All I've got to do is organise a stash, you know,
leftovers, the odd whole course going missing

Hide it under here maybe

Oh look at that... a mouse trap

With a lump of Cheshire cheese.
My favourite, all white and crumbly

This bit's only slightly nibbled

STUBBERS: Henshall!

How come a mouse trap went off on your tongue?

- It's a personal thing guv
- Understand. I too enjoy pain

- Did you find your friend Paddy?
- I've arranged to meet him after lunch

I've no time to waste on lunch,
I'm going down to the pier to look for him myself

Actually this suits me. Get this guvnor out the way
while I serve the other one

- By the way, what does Paddy look like?
- He's a big feller, smells of horses

Smells of horses? Or smells like a horse?

The former is respectable and an indication
of family money, the latter is just poor hygiene

- At the end of the day, it's the same thing isn't it
- Good point

Now take your time guv. There's two piers,
I can't remember which pier he said now

- Do you want me to order you some food for later?
- Order what you like

When I do dine I need to eat in private,
waited on by you and you alone

What's this Bradman room like?
Perfect. I'll eat in there

I don't want to take all this cash with me.
Can I trust you with it, Henshall?

- Is it edible?
- I doubt it

- It's safe with me then guv
- I'll slip out the back

My name's Gareth. I'm the head waiter.
This is Alfie

- I'm eighty-six
- No you're not. You're eighty-seven

- I thought I was eighty-six
- No. That was last year

Be patient with Alfie please, he's a bit deaf,
so don't turn your back, he's going to lip read

I'm never going back there.
It was a bloody massacre

He was at Gallipoli. He has
balance problems, he suffers from the tremors

And he's got one of them
new fangled pacemakers for his heart

Is that all I need to know?

- One other thing
- What's that?

It's his first day

I've been told to set places for Mr Clench and your guvnor

In there, the Compton room.
My other guvnor will eat alone in the Bradman room later

And they've both insisted
that I personally wait on their tables

You've got two employers?

Yeah. I'm that good. I was trained
by the legendary French waiter, Jean Jacques Jim

- In France?
- Of course

- Which town?
- Ashby de la Zouch

- That's near Loughborough
- It is now

- Do these guvnors of yours know you've got two jobs?
- No, that is our secret for today

- What's in it for me and Alfie?
- It's less work for you and you still get paid

- What about our tips?
- You'll get ten bob from me at the end of the afternoon

Deal. Alfie, set one place in the Bradman room.
I'll get some wine lists

How many courses do you think
Roscoe and Charlie will want?

- Seven
- Seven. À la carte?

No, they're going to eat indoors. I'll order for them

The menu is in French
How many languages do you speak?

I speak two languages actually. English and French.
The menu, por favor

- Por favor is Spanish
- Bloody hell. I can speak three languages

- Alfie
- He's in the Bradman

What's he doing in there?

Apparently the gentleman from room ten
wants to eat in private in there later

Oh. He'll need a menu then

Alfie... Jesus!

Put this menu and wine list on the table

Table!

- Are you ready to order then?
- Yes

Can we have a lot of hot food,
and, you know, just keep it coming

My pleasure

So, Gareth, Alfie. Bring the food here, to this table,
and I will serve it

Alright. Alfie, bring the soup to here

- Do you get two salaries then?
- Why else would I do it mate?

- What about holidays?
- Two weeks from each employer, that's five weeks in all

- You're not stupid are you?
- Not even a little bit

You know what bankers are like.
They'll only lend you an umbrella if the sun's shining

- You haven't got the money have you Charlie?
- Of course I got the money, but...

- But what? You haven't printed it off yet?
- I'm out of that game. I sold the ink

Roscoe, this is my problem, I'll have its arse slapped
by three o'clock. And, I'm paying for lunch, I insist

Francis, Charlie said he gave you some cash earlier.
In an envelope

Oh no. I can see what's going to happen. Roscoe's
going take Mr Stubbers' money. That's a disaster

No, wait, it is Roscoe's money. Yes

Here you go, guv.
I've set two places in here, the Dennis Compton Room

I can't have nothing to do with Dennis Compton.
He was a Gooner

Dennis Compton played cricket for Arsenal?

Football. In the winter. I'm Spurs aren't I.
I can't eat in there, someone might see me

Let's eat in that room there, the Bradman

- No
- Why not?

The gentleman from room ten has already booked this room

He's not here is he.
When room ten arrives, he can have the Compton

- You got anything against the Aussies Charlie?
- No. As it happens, I quite like opera

And, obviously they're not Arsenal, so they're not scum

Oh, shit!

- Come on Alfie you can do it
- This soup must be made of lead, it's bloody heavy

Let me help you with that

- Henshall
- Guv? You're back, that was quick

Yes, well I went round to the Palace Pier,
couldn't find anyone who smelt like a horse

And the other pier was on fire,
so I thought I'd best give it a miss

Truth is, Brighton is swarming with rozzers

- I want to eat now
- Now?

- Yes, now. What have you got there?
- Your soup

- But I wasn't even here yet
- That's how good I am

Change of plan, you'll be in that room,
the Compton Room

- Why's that?
- There's an Australian honeymoon couple in here

Ooh, Mills and Boon. Bring my soup in, I'm starving,
I could eat my own pants

Oh no, what am I going to do?

Francis, there's only one place setting in here.
What you got there?

- Your soup
- Give it here then. What's the matter with you?

I haven't eaten for sixteen hours

Gareth! I've got two guvnors, both rooms,
I need more of everything. Now, quick

- Here's your cold meats
- Smashing, over here Alfie

Look at that!
Ham, beef, what do they call this sliced sausage here?

- Pepperonly
- Beautiful

- Sliced donkey
- I like a bit of donkey. You sound out of breath Alfie

Them stairs, they take it out of you.

I'll turn me pacemaker up a couple of notches

- Mmm, a plated meal?
- Sliced meats

- Where's that soup you had?
- It was cold. I sent it back

- Vichyssoise?
- No. Back downstairs

You're a bit of an enigma aren't you Henshall?
Do you know what you remind me of?

- What?
- High Wycombe. Get me the wine list, would you?

By which I mean I'd like to drown
in a bath of grands crus

What if I can't find Rachel?
I may never make love to her from behind ever again

Rule number one, for a waiter: don't eat the food

- Soup for your other guvnor
- Smashing. And he wants a wine list

- No empties? Have you cleared that room?
- Alright, alright

- Next up is your Quenelles de volaille
- Ah, my favourite

My Nan used to cook kweneldevolay
every bonfire night

- Chicken balls
- Really? I didn't know chickens had...

I never understood soup.
You don't need a knife and fork to eat it, so it's not food

It must be a drink, in which case I'd rather have a pint

Francis...

Yes guv?

Can you clear our table please of the soup,
and we'd like to order some wine

Henshall...

Mmm. Ah! Oh.

Ah. Winerama

Yes, there's some soup left in here.
Will someone look after this soup for me?

What's your name, my love?

Christine Paterson.

Christine Paterson?

Thanks for giving us all the info.

Do you wanna give out your National Insurance number too?

Christine Paterson, you are the perfect person for this job.

Hold onto this soup for me. Keep it safe.

Don't let any of these bastards touch it!

- What you got there, Alfie?
- Chicken balls

Thank God they're not donkeys'

- Eh?
- I said 'Thank God they're not donkeys'

I wouldn't know mate, they don't trust me with cheese

- How many have we got here?
- Twelve

So... twelve balls, three plates
that's four each and none for me

Or three each and three for me

Oh my God

He's eating the fucking chicken balls!

Or two each and six for me

You can't do that, son, they're not for you

- What are they like?
- Beautiful

Or one each and nine for me

I'm going to take these in to Roscoe and Charlie.
Get on that door, do not let him open it, ok?

Oh for God's...

I love meatballs. Succulent, meaty. ballsey

Sorry!

- What are you doing?
- Bringing you your meatballs guv

- One at a time? You're a strange planet
- Lloyd is a stickler for presentation

This is the wonkiest meal I've ever had.
I'd like a bottle of the Châteauneuf-du-Pape

- Right you are guv
- Here's your veg

Smashing.
And he wants a bottle of the Châteauneuf-du-Pape

- Your chicken balls, sir
- About time

- Are you the wine waiter?
- I can be

We'd like a bottle of the '58 Claret please

So that's one bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape
and a bottle of the Claret

- No, just one bottle of Claret, alright?
- Ah yes, my mistake

Ah, yes. His mistake!

Gareth, a quick word.
You're lucky, I nearly had to kill you then

- Sorry. Not easy is it, having two bosses
- Thank you

Oh, look at that! We want some of this for later

Christine Paterson...

Will you hand over the soup? Now listen...

I could really use a hand up here. Will you come with me?

Go on. I promise it'll be OK.

You don't need that. Leave that.

That's it, up you come, Christine.

There we go.

Alright, just there, Christine.

What we're gonna do is put these veg in with this soup.

So hold that. Cor, I like your dress.

Is it made of soup-resistant material?

Alright...OK.

There we go.

Then we just... There we are.

OK, sterling work, Christine.

Let's get you and the stash back down there.

Shit, it's Lloyd! Get behind WG Grace, quick!

That's it, there.

Now, this is my dish of the day.
Truite aux amandes

- Truite?
- Fish

- Trout. Aux?
- Trout... Oh

- Trout in... Amandes?
- I know this one. Germany. Trout in Germany

Trout in... Germany
is Allemagne. Amandes is almonds

Trout in almonds
Yes, it's an easy language, isn't it, Spanish

- Where's Gareth?
- For in there? Don't you worry, I'll tell him

Cor, look at this fish.

We want some of this, Christine. Come on.

Down you come. That's it. In your own time.

Dunno if you've noticed, I'm under a lot of pressure at work.

OK, Christine, I need you to hold that nice and still.

Just there. Now...

How am I gonna do this?

Nice and still, Christine. There we are.

Alright.

There we go. Alright.

Then we just... There we are.

There we go. Fish heads in almonds
They'll think it's posh food, won't they

Will they?

Won't they?

It's best you don't get involved, Christine, alright?

OK, Christine...

I'm going to serve these to Roscoe and Charlie.
You watch that door, do not let him open it

Cor! They like you, Christine.

Shit! Quick, hide, hide!

No, get back there, behind WG Grace.

That's it. Bring your head through the hole.

- Got your wine here son
- Will you open that for me? I'm a little bit busy

I'll get a corkscrew

Vegetables and wine, sir

A corkscrew

I've got the corkscrew

Vegetables...

Christine!

I leave you on your own for two minutes, what happens?

You think he hit his head with the corkscrew?
Why didn't you help him?

Henshall, where's my... Good God!
Colonel Mustard in the ballroom with the lead pipe

And there's my wine. That's grand cru, can't spill that.
What a waste. Is this one dead?

I don't know. He's got one of them pacemakers.
I could turn it up a couple of notches, see if that helps

Oh my God! Alfie, are you OK?

Oh my God, Alf...

Alfie, try and calm yourself down a bit.

Alfie! Oh come on now

Are you OK? Stay right there, OK?

- What's happened to Alfie?
- I don't know, his pacemaker's packed up I think

Let me have a go.

- Should be set on three. How come he had it on nine?
- For the stairs

- There you go
- Morning

- Morning Alf
- Lovely day for it. Don't let the bastards grind you down

That's Carré d'agneau. Crown of Lamb

Cor, look at this! Lamb chops - my favourite!

Oh, we want some of this, Christine. Come on!

Down you come. Are you alright?

Don't worry - very soon, this'll all be over.

Now, how am I gonna do this?

Get behind WG Grace!

Here you are sir, lamb à la trolley carved at the table

Here you are sir, lamb à la trolley carved at the table

- Thought you were right behind me?
- I thought you were behind me.

Funny old game, lamb carved at the table.

Henshall!

Where's Henshall?

Please don't hurt me

- What you got there Alfie?
- Roast potatoes

Get ready, cos I'm coming for them!

Food fight!

Good work, that man!

Crêpes Suzette. When you were training in Ashby
de la Zouch, did they teach you how to do a proper crêpe?

Yeah. Crêpe, liqueur, matches,
what could possibly go wrong?

Christine, down you come, quick.

Before you go,

do you know how to make Crêpes Suzette?

Do you set fire to it and serve it,
or serve it and set fire to it?

- I don't know.
- You haven't got a clue, have you?

Great work, Christine. Let's get you
and the stash back down there.

Christine, you need to get down on the floor. Under there.

That's it, go on.

OK, wait right there...

No, no.

No. no.

No, serious problem.
This wine cannot be grand cru. Taste that

- What do you reckon, is it Pape?
-No, I think it's quite good

Ah, Crêpes Suzette, my favourite.
I love to watch Grand Marnier burning

Come on, man, you're going to need more than that
Lashings and lashings, there we go

There we go. Give it some welly.

Whoops-a-diddly-di-do.

Fife! Fire! Fire!

Oh my God, Christine, are you OK?

Out of the way!

Ladies and gentlemen, what I suggest we do
is take a quick 15-minute interval.

You can go and have a drink,
we'll fill in some Health and Safety forms

But I did it, didn't I. I served lunch to both guvnors,
and none of them's any the wiser

Better still, I've got a stash so I can eat! Have a good
interval and see you in 15 minutes.

Tell me what do you see?

Are you happy just flying free

Strung out Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly

Come down from your tree

Strung out Dolly, got her to explain

She's dancing half-naked in the pouting rain

Oh, baby, there's a whole lot going on

Oh, strung out Dolly, keep stringing us all along

Strung out Dolly, stay strong and close to me

Strung out Dolly, could you just tell me what do you see?

Are you happy just flying free?

Strung out Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly

Come down from your tree

Strung out Dolly gonna sleep through the day

But you know I wouldn't have her any other way

Baby, she's a one-off remarkable girl

Strung out Dolly's got my head all in a whirl

Strung out Dolly, stay strong and stick close to me

Strung out Dolly cool your jets and tell me what do you see?

Are you happy just flying free?

Strung out Dolly, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly

Come down from your tree.

Come down!

Ted and Calista were brother and sister

And so it begins

When they got frustrated with just being related

And wished to be twins

And it didn't matter that she was much fatter

And he was a man

In spite of a few quibblings, these curious siblings

Came up with a plan

Sunday and Tuesday they'd wear her clothes

Wednesday and Friday, they'd wear his

What happened on Saturday can't be repeated

But people would stare

And say, look there goes that mixed-up shook up pair

She wore the trousers and ironed the trousers
While he did their hair

They always looked dashing...

If anyone shouted they'd soon get clouted
and brought down to size

Sunday to Tuesday, they'd wear her clothes

Wednesday to Friday, they'd wear his

What happened on Saturday can't be repeated

But people would stare

And say, look there goes that mixed-up shook up pair

They'd parade themselves through the town

Although their heels gave them blisters

The world would be a more colourful place
with a few more Ted and Calistas

Sunday to Tuesday, they'd wear her clothes

Wednesday to Friday, they'd wear his

What happened on Saturday can't be repeated

But people would stare

And say, look there goes that mixed-up shook up pair

In stilettoes there

And say, look there goes that mixed-up shook up pair

In the pin-striped three-piece suit

And say, look there goes that mixed-up shook up pair

There they go!

Well, I know that you want to wait, girl

That it's only our seventh day, girl

But my heart starts to pound, girl, when you take my hand

And I know that you like to tease, girl

Cos I think that I felt you squeeze, girl

But I need to be sure so please, girl, tell me where I stand

It's time to give it up, baby

Come on, you keep me waiting all night

Come on, it's time to give it up, baby

Come on, you gotta keep me right

Ooh, well I know that you feel it too, girl

Don't pretend that you don't, you do, girl

This rejection makes me blue, girl

Help me understand

Come on, it's time to give it up, baby

Come on, you keep me waiting all night

Come on, it's time to give it up, baby

Come on, you gotta keep me right, ooh

Give it to me, give it up, baby

Give it to me, give it up, baby

Give it to me, give it up, baby

Yeah!

Destiny. Destiny. Destiny. What is destiny?

If you're a bus, your destiny is the bus station

And if you talk to buses, as I do, they tell you
that their destiny is writ deep in their bussy souls

It is inescapable, it is The Timetable

Buses laugh at love. Love is fluff, very fluffy fluff.
Destiny is steel

- Orlando. What are you doing here?
- I said I would return and take my revenge - et voilà

- Where did you get that knife?
- Woollies. My honour has been fiddled with

Put it away boy.
We, the educated classes, have our own weapons

The law, contract,
and my particular specialism: sesquipedalia verbis

- Words?
- Not just words, words a foot and a half long

If sesquipedalia verbis fails, if Charlie refuses to allow me
to marry Pauline, tell him he will have this to deal with

What?

Have the impediments before Alan's marriage
to Pauline been removed as I demanded?

No. And it isn't my fault. I thought Roscoe was dead

Your precocious contract with Roscoe was initiated
in order to facilitate a relationship of mutual expediency

And as such is antithetical to the Judeo-Christian
and common law conception of marriage

The contract's legality is at best ephemeral...

...and in resurrecting it, following Roscoe Crabbe's
own miraculous resurrection...

...is a classic exemplar of Breach of Promise.
Post hoc ergo propter hoc

- What you trying to say?
- You're up shit creek without a paddle

In my world there's a code

It isn't written down, there's no books, but it's a code,
like the law. I haven't got no choice, but to abide by it

On reflection I am not sure that I want my son
to dive into the fetid pond that is your family

Yeah, yeah. Pauline's going to marry Roscoe and that's that.
And I'll give you some Latin for a change. Que sera sera

Bugger me, it's Errol Flynn

- Is it true?
- Yeah, it is true, yeah. What?

- Is Pauline to marry Roscoe Crabbe?
- That's right. Wait here, I'll get you a presents list

Do not torment me.
I am no longer responsible for my actions

I am dangerous, unpredictable,
like a wasp in a shop window

- Where did you get that knife?
- Woollies

- What you going to do with it sunshine?
- You've never shown me any respect

My first Chekhov,
I got you a free ticket to see me give my Konstantin

- The Rottingdean players?
- You never came. You went to play snooker

I live in Brighton. I don't need to drive to Rottingdean
to watch someone shoot a bloody seagull

- Don't push me. I can do it
- No, you can't. Cos this is real, it isn't a play

- Alan?
- Don't come any nearer Roscoe. I will, I can

- Where did you get that knife?
- Woollies

It isn't the knife that's dangerous. It's the owner.
Throw that away

- No. I came here to kill Charlie
- You don't want to kill Charlie, you want to kill me

But you can't because, in the split second it would take
to raise your arm, my knife will be sorting out your tonsils

- Or have you had your tonsils removed?
- No. I've still got them

Roscoe! Please, don't kill Alan
He don't mean no harm, he's only acting

- Where'd you...
- Woolworths. On the high street. Hardware and kitchens

I'll spare him for your sake, my darling

And I expect you, in return, to do me a favour,
that is to respect our secret

I do. I will

Is that it then?
Cos I've got a cup of tea going cold in there

Yeah, go indoors dad

- Charlie! It's gone three o'clock
- What?

You're not telling me you haven't got your money yet?
I don't believe it. I told Dolly to...

If you want anything done properly, you got to do it yourself.
Go indoors Roscoe. I'll sort it for you

Alan, son. A word

- Are you hurt my love?
- Have you been with him?

- Been where?
- Bed

- No, God! Alan. Really, absolutely no, not ever, never, no
- The lady doth protest too much methinks

- I'm a virgin. Still. You know I am
- Don't I just

I'm saving myself for you Alan, for when we're married,
when we can do it two or three times a week legally

No. I think your shared secret is
that you've always loved him

Sh-pow!

You've bewitched him, like you've bewitched me,
with your little prick teases

You play a man like a penny whistle
I loathe you

- Don't talk like that Alan. I'll die
- Do you think I care if you die?

- I'm going to do myself in then
- Go on then

- How can you be so cruel?
- I've had a good teacher

He's not worth it love. He'd stand there
and watch you do it, and not raise a finger

Look at him. You're not the great romantic lover are you?
You're a bit of a twat

Let me give you some advice.
Men, they'll do anything to get you into bed

Lie, cheat, buy you a bed

And the tragedy is once they've had you,
they'll never want you quite as much ever again

Don't take notes girls, there's a handout at the end

I can't believe you would let me kill myself.
You're heartless

I'm going to die anyway, cos I can't live with this pain

And when I'm dead,
I want you to know that it'll be you what killed me

Frailty, thy name is woman

Women are born actors. Whenever they want something,
enter from stage left the waterworks

You want to watch your tongue young man,
slagging us women off

It's 1963, there's a revolution coming

I predict in twenty years' time
there'll be a woman in Ten Downing Street

Yeah, and she won't be doing the washing up

Then you'll see exactly what women can do

You'll see a more just and fair society

The feminine voice of compassion for the poor
will be the guiding principle of government...

...and there'll be an end to foreign wars

So I've eaten. And after a lovely big meal
there's two things I just can't resist doing

One is having a little smoke

And that's the other

It's alright this two jobs lark,
cos you can do what you like all day

And it don't matter if you get sacked
cos you've still got the other job

And cos you got sacked, you can sign on straight
away. Why doesn't everybody live like this?

Some of you out there, who understand your
Commedia dell'arte, your hummus eaters...

...may have asked the question:
'Now that the Harlequin' - that's me - 'has eaten...'

'...what will be his motivation in the second act?'

Anybody here said that?
Perhaps in an attempt to impress a date?

No? Good.
Nice to know we haven't got any dicks in tonight

Now that my character, the Harlequin, has eaten...

...he has to find some other base motivation
to drive his actions in the second half

Your job is to try and work out what that might be

Pauline's written one letter to Alan today,
and one letter for Roscoe

- Are we going then? Majorca?
- Oh it's him. I like him

- Have you ever been abroad?
- No

- It'll be great. Sun, sea, sand
- Have you missed me?

I have. A great deal.
Life became unbearable without you

I've got a letter here for your gaffer

- Can I trust you with it?
- 'Confidential' is my middle name

- What are your other names?
- Francis Henshall

- So your full name is Francis Confidential Henshall?
- At your service, gorgeous

Calling a woman 'gorgeous'
is patronising and chauvinist, obviously

But since I fancy him rotten, and I haven't had
a proper sorting out in a while, I'll forgive him

You've got honest eyes

- Thank you. Baby
- No trouble. Big Boy

A friend of mine likes you

- What's his name?
- Paddy

- What's he look like?
- Could be a movie star

- Godzilla?
- He's a good looking lad. He's big boned

- And how did he get big bones?
- The usual. Nature-Nurture

- Partly genetic, partly pies?
- He likes his food, yeah

Does he prefer eating or making love?

It's a tough one that, isn't it

- Would you like to meet him?
- I wouldn't want to interrupt him if he's eating

Wait here, I'll go and get him.
Don't put your glasses on

I've done a lot worse.
We've all done a lot worse, haven't we girls?

We've all woken up the morning after the night before...

...taken one look at the sorry state of the bloke
lying next to us, and we've all leapt out of bed...

...sat down and written to our MPs demanding
that tequila should be a controlled drug

Hello there.

I'm Patrick.
My friends call me Paddy and I'm in love with you, I am so

- Are you really?
- Yes, I'm a hopeless case

- I'm like a cork, tossed on an ocean of desire
- Is that difficult?

It's exhausting.
There's only so much tossing one man can endure

I grew you a rose, so I did.
I watered it myself, and did the Baby Bio thing...

...according to all them fancy instructions
on the side of the packet there, so I did

- That's very sweet of you
- Any chance of a kiss?

I'd better go.
I left me horse on a double yellow

He's like a big kid.
I've always liked that in a man, immaturity

What do you reckon to Paddy? Do you like him?

- He gave me a rose
- A rose? Go on my son, he's a terrible romantic, is Paddy

- Bit of a ladies man is he?
- No, he's a one woman man. He's the marrying kind

- He's married is he?
- No. The right woman hasn't come along yet

Until now. That's what he said. What about you?
One day? Do you want to get married?

- Marriage is the legalised exploitation of women
- Yeah, obviously

Why can't you, Francis, as Francis,
just ask me out on a date?

I've asked you to go to Majorca

I can't just go to Majorca with you.
We need to go on a date first

What's a good first date from a woman's point of view?

- Candlelit dinner?
- A candlelit dinner?

That was quick!

Shit, no wonder you're here with a bunch of women!

That's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen in my life!

What's a good date?
'A candlelit dinner!'

'Take me on a candlelit dinner, you bastard!'

'Buy me a ring!'

No, she needs to feel relaxed!

Secure, not under pressure.

I know!

Dolly? I was wondering... How do you fancy...
Saturday, Saturday afternoon, not evening, no pressure...

...would you like to go on a rabbit shoot?

I think you should take me on a candlelit dinner.

Thank you!

Then we can go for a walk after.

We could give the relationship a go, see if it's got legs

Excellent.
In my experience four legs is enough to get started

We could try those legs in a variety of combinations,
and if that doesn't work...

...we'll have a trial separation,
and if that works, we'll have a total separation

- You've got it all worked out haven't you Francis?
- I'm a man. We plan

We don't just go into stuff with our eyes closed
because it feels right, like you women do

Everything needs planning. Love is no different from...
I don't know, building a petrol station

You can't build the shop
before you've sunk the petrol reservoirs

Surely you can build the shop
before you sink the reservoirs...

...if you don't build the shop
directly on top of the reservoirs?

Look, you're not going to win this argument cos
I've actually built a petrol station, alright, in Luton

- On a small piece of land?
- Yeah, so?

And it was crucial
that we sank the reservoirs before we built the shop

Otherwise we would have had to a) build the shop,
b) knock it down, c) sink the reservoirs, d) build the shop

Which might well be how a woman
would build a petrol station

And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that,
apart from the fact that it's brainless

I'll tell you how a woman would build a petrol station

She'd make sure there was enough land so that you
could factor in a pleasant walk from the pump to the shop

- Maybe lay a bit of a lawn down
- A lawn?

With some flowers. And a rockery.
And somewhere for the kids to play

Kids?

And a separate toilet block for the women
which has three times as many cubicles as the men's

- What do you want all that for, it's a petrol station?
- Yes, but it could be a nice petrol station

Nobody in their right mind wants petrol stations to be nice.
It's a bloody petrol station

It's not going to work is it? Me and you. Men and women
That's a shame, cos I really fancy you

- Thank you. I've always wanted to be a sex object
- It's better than not being a sex object isn't it?

Grrr!

- We're supposed to be going to Majorca
- You can't deliver Majorca Francis. You're a loser

- Who's this letter for again?
- Your guvnor. Don't open it

- I have to find out who it's for
- Just give it to your boss

- It's not as easy as that
- I can't see what the problem...

- Look, there's no name on the envelope
- What do you need a name for?

Because... I can't tell you. It's actually very complicated
and really you don't want to know

Aaargh!

- What's up Dolly?
- No idea

- Francis. What's that?
- It's a letter for you

- Why didn't you just say it was for Roscoe?
- Because I'm a woman

And I'm really stupid
and I can't be trusted to do anything properly

Men!

- This letter's been opened. Francis?
- I'm Francis. Yes?

- This is the second private letter you've opened today
- I haven't read it. Honest, guv. Test me on the contents

- Alright. Who's it from?
- Cilla Black

- Incorrect
- I told you I hadn't read it

This isn't going to work.
All he's got to do is make up a stupid answer

Mr Duck, please. That is what a dishonest man would do.
Me, I'll try and answer every question correctly

- cos you're a simple, honest man
- Without any artifice

I don't have any qualifications at all

A second private letter has been opened.
I have no choice, you're sacked

Please don't!

You are...

Thank you for the opportunity.

- No! I opened the letter
- Come again?

I'm worried sick about Pauline. I can't help her if I don't
know what she's up to. So I opened the letter and I read it

You've read the letter? I don't believe you.
I think you're just trying to get Francis off the hook

Test me. On the contents

Oh bloody hell, you can't believe her. She'll be trying to
get well in with him. I know you, around men

What? And I don't know you Charlie Clench? I know
how the business works, I know where the money goes

- I know...
- Yeah, alright, alright. You're very knowledgeable

I'm going home. Nice to see you Francis.
I like your friend, Paddy. He's not an idiot

I promise I can change

I'll go and see my mate Dino. Give me ten minutes.
Carlotti's Amusements on the front

- I don't want it in pennies
- Larger denominations are available

- Dino Carlotti is solid, he owes me one
- That's what worries me

You don't owe me one Charlie, you owe me six

Pauline is in a bit of a state, fearful of what Alan might do.
Maybe it's time to come clean

- Where are you going?
- Me?

Come here

Who's that hitting my man?

What did you do that for?

- What's my name?
- Roscoe Crabbe

- And what have you heard about the Crabbes?
- Don't worry, we're not going there

You don't mess with them

If you need me, I'm in Carlotti's Amusements on the front.
What are you going to do?

I'm going to do your ironing, then I'm going
to try and find Paddy on the pier, like I said

- Who's Paddy?
- Shit

Paddy's a friend of mine
who works as a butler to someone in Brighton

He's going teach me how to iron properly
so that nobody gets seriously injured

Good man... Afternoon

My nerves

Henshall, what's going on?
I swear I saw a chap slap you across the chops

- Yeah, one of the locals
- Country Life! What had you done?

- I kissed his girlfriend
- Out of the blue you just went up and kissed a chap's girl?

Yeah.

That's a bit Japanese

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm on his side. Come here

- What?
- Come here. Stand there.

- Oh guv, come on...
- Stand still.

Once more.

- Watch the birdie. This one, this one, this one...
- Ow, ow!

Bamboozled you, didn't I? There we go!

Oh, no, rozzer... Hello!

- Afternoon
- Is it? Well done, yes

I'll give you one hour
to finish my ironing that you never started

And then I want you to go to the pier and find Paddy

So that's the downside of two jobs.
Double the bollockings

We're good girls

Good girls

Not naughty girls

We're nice

And good girls never should girls

Be accomplice to a murder more than twice

If your man has done the deed

And it's made him all knock-kneed

Keep him calm and then proceed

To offer this advice

Lighten up and lay low

Flee the scene of the crime

Lighten up and law low

No one wants to be doing time

Tidy up and say 'Joe, if you want to stay free

'Keep schtum, lighten up and lay low with me'

Be sure the weapon is dispensable
Keep him sensible, do

Provocation is defensible, true

But do you wanna risk it?

Lighten up and law low

Flee the scene of the crime

Lighten up and lay low

No one wants to be doing time

Tidy up and say 'Joe, if you want to stay free

'Keep schtum, lighten up and lay low with me'

Yeah

'Keep schtum, lighten up and lay low with me'

With me

With me.

Mr Stubbers is having a lie-down in room ten,
Roscoe's still chasing Charlie for the money

That's Mr Stubbers' shirts done. My plan is to finish all
the ironing, then go and find Paddy on the pier

Yes, I know Paddy doesn't exist

But that's the sort of insanity
that makes perfect sense when you've got two jobs

What's that? It's a framed photograph of Mr Stubbers.
But these are Roscoe's shirts

What is my guvnor number 1 Roscoe doing with a
framed photograph of my guvnor number 2 Mr Stubbers?

Henshall, is there a shirt ready yet?

What are you gawping at Henshall?
Never seen a man naked from the waist up, eh?

Don't tell me you're one of those chaps that didn't shower

That's how we won two world wars

The Germans had superior technology,
but our officers showered together

- What's that?
- Sorry guv, that's mine

This is a framed photograph of me on graduation day.
It's the very one I gave to Rachel, I think

Is it me? Yes, that third class degree in Zoology
has got my name on it

Why do you have a framed photograph of me
in your possession?

- Are you developing a thing for me?
- No guv. It's a nice frame

- Where did you get it?
- I've got to be very careful what I say here

I bought it off Paddy, who was given it by
his previous employer in lieu of payment before he died

- Before he did what?
- Before he did die

- He did die, did he?
- He did

- What did he die of?
- He was diagnosed with diarrhoea but died of diabetes

- He died of diabetes did he?
- He did, didn't he

- Where you there?
- When?

When he was diagnosed with diarrhoea
but died of diabetes

No, I was in Didcot, and he was diagnosed
with diarrhoea but died of diabetes in Dagenham

- When did he die?
- Of diabetes? Or of diarrhoea?

- He didn't die of diarrhoea he died of diabetes
- He did, did he? Where?

- In Dagenham, damn it. That's what you said
- Paddy told me it was a couple of days ago

Then Rachel is dead. She is all I live for

Grief, grief

My girl... my love... my life... She's...

...everything. There is nothing without her

Sorry.

That went quite well

Oh shit! It's my number 1 guvnor Roscoe,
with Mr the Duck

I'm disappointed in Dino. It's not like Dino to let me down.
I'm glad you didn't take his cheque

What's a cheque? A cheque is a promise. And a promise
in this modern world is about as much use as a nun's tits

Charlie, please

I'm sorry. Did I offend you?
I thought we were all men together

Your failure to deliver
means that I will have to change my plans

- Give me the weekend. I'm playing golf Sunday...
- Shut it. Francis, look in my trunk, find my diary

Oh, no.

Can you remember which one's Roscoe's?
This one....?

Yes!

Thank you so much. You, madam, are a life-saver.

Here you go guv!

Thank you so much! Thank you.

This is not my diary

You stupid cow!

There it is!
I've been looking all over for that, it's mine

- But you handed it to me, thinking it was mine
- The reason is....

I haven't owned a diary myself all that long,
so I don't yet recognise it that easily

This diary is Stanley's.
These are the letters in which I express my love for him

Letters and diagrams which celebrate the most intimate
details of our love making. Oh my God! But how...?

Francis. How come this diary
and these private letters are in your possession?

I've got to be very careful what I say here

- I bought it off Paddy
- The ironing expert?

Yes. Who was given it by his previous employer in lieu of
payment before he died.

He died did he?

- He did
- How did he die?

- He died of disease
- Where?

- Where was the disease, or where did he die of disease?
- Where did he die of disease?

- Dorking
- And where was the disease?

- In his diaphragm
- So he died of a disease of the diaphragm in Dorking?

- He did didn't he?
- Do you know Dorking?

- I don't. Do you know Dorking Mr Duck?
- Indeed I do. Dorking is directly north of here

- One might pass through Dorking on the way to Brighton?
- If you're daft and don't know what you're doing, definitely

Definitely Stanley... Stanley dead?

My love, dead? No. This cannot be.
Without Stanley my life is nothing

I do not want to live, here, on this earth, alone without him

I have given him my life, my love, my body

- Bloody hell, he's a woman
- Roscoe? You're not Roscoe, you're Rachel

Yes. I am in disguise as my twin brother.
Who is also dead

I have lost a brother and the love of my life
both in the one week

You proper fooled us. I take my hat off to you

I guess it was easy enough
cos you and Roscoe was identical twins

Roscoe was a man. I, as you can see, am a woman.
So we cannot be identical twins

Why not?

Excuse me gentlemen. I am in mourning.
For a brother and a husband

I better go tell Harry Dangle this.
His lad will be chuffed to bits

Unless he's been and gone and done a Hamlet by now

- What's a Hamlet?
- A Hamlet is when you flip, kill everyone including yourself

- That's a bit rash
- Not rash enough

The last time I saw it, it took him five hours

What do you want?
I've felt atrabilious enough already today

- I hope for her sake she enjoyed it
- Speak man, speak

My girl Pauline is free to marry your Alan.
That Roscoe has turned out to be ineligible

Whether he is eligible or not counts for nothing.
Pauline has been seen with him, they have been together

He's a woman.
Two girls together. Nothing could have happened

Turn, hell hound, turn

- I got news for you sunshine
- Yeah?

Roscoe is really Rachel. He's a girl

You mean all this time
she has been in disguise as her twin brother?

- Exactly. You and Pauline, it's back on
- Really?

Yeah. What would Shakespeare say? Go for it son

O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful,
wonderful, and yet again wonderful

- Is that Shakespeare?
- Yes. As You Like It

I'm disappointed. I could've done better than that myself

- How does Pauline feel about this?
- She don't know nothing about it yet

Why don't you come round
and we can take turns trying to explain it to her

My God, Rachel!

Rachel, I love you!

- Rachel, no!
- Stay there Lloyd

- What you doing girl?
- I will Lloyd, I will

Stanley is dead. I love him. He is everything.
Without him this life has nothing to offer me

- Rachel?
- Stanley?

Mr Pubsign?

This is my Stanley.
Stanley Stubbers. Who I thought was dead

Oh, I understand

- Rachel, my darling, I thought I'd lost you
- I cried Stanley, you don't know how much I cried

- Can I make a suggestion?
- Yes, Lloyd

Don't you think it might be a good idea
if you both stepped down from off of that railing there?

So you can talk, and don't be
throwing both your lives away over nothing no more

Good thinking

- My little badger
- My hairy bear

- My time to go
- Lloyd, wait

Can you do me a favour please?
I'm pretty certain my minder is behind this

Drag his backside down here could you
so that I can tear him off a strip

- I will
- Thank you Lloyd

- I can't say no to you. You're like a daughter to me girl
- You're the very best of men Lloyd

- Has anyone ever told you that?
- Yes...

- Badgie!
- My hairy bear!

But what made you think I was dead Badgie?

I was scared after the fight,
and I hired a minder for protection, and he had these

- Bacon and eggs! That's my private diary
- And all the love letters I've ever sent you

- No!
- He said he knew a man who'd worked for you

- For me?
- For you

But you'd died, and you'd given him the diary
in lieu of payment on your death bed

I don't remember doing any of this

- Did he read any of your love letters?
- I can't be sure

Let's hope not eh,
some of them had some really good bits

But how come you thought I was dead?

Because I was lying low I had to hire a man
to go to the Post Office for me

And this man had in his possession
that framed photograph

The very one I gave you, because you said
you needed a visual aid for your... you know...

But how come your man had my photograph of you?

He said he'd got it off of a friend of his
who'd been given it by his employer, who'd died

So I thought you must be
my chap's friend's employer who'd died

- Did you feel terrible, hairy bear?
- I've never felt worse

I felt like a floral clock in the middle of winter

- That's exactly how I felt. All the flowers dead
- And yet the mechanism of the clock pointlessly turning

- The hour hand pointing to a dead geranium
- The minute hand stuck on a long gone begonia

That's what I like about us

- If I say there's cats on my curtains, you say...
- ...There's dogs on my wall

Oh God, baby, I've missed this.

Damn it, I've just remembered. Your twin brother
Roscoe is here in Brighton looking to kill me

- Roscoe is dead. He died instantly
- When I killed him?

- Yes
- Someone told me he was staying at The Cricketers Arms

- No, that was me, disguised as my brother
- You're not staying at The Cricketers Arms are you?

- Yes
- Lucky dip, so am I. Have you got a double?

- Stanley, I can't think about that right now
- Really? I can't think about anything else

I'm afraid, I've been thinking.
I'm sorry, I really don't want to go to Australia

Oh thank Christ. I never did. I can't stand bloody opera

What can we do?

- Could you marry a murderer?
- I guess I'm already in love with a murderer

- Who?
- You

Oh God, don't do that!

I will marry you
if we can find a way of staying in England

- Here's one of the troublemakers
- Not the worst of the two, I'll wager

- Thank you Lloyd
- No problem

Yes, thank you Lloyd,
but in an ideal world, we'd have both of them here

Yes, that's true, we must have both of them here Lloyd

It wouldn't be cricket, would it, to light a fire under one
and let the other off scot free

He's the only one I've seen. Alfie might know

- Alfie, have you seen the other gentleman?
- There's new toilets at the end of the pier

- Have you seen this Paddy?
- We had to put newspaper down because I'd had a banana

May I? One moment in private with the lady?
Wish me luck

- It's all his Paddy's fault
- We must punish this Paddy

I have a completely brilliant plan to do just that.
You know Charlie Clench's book-keeper Dolly?

What's she got to do with this?

His Paddy is trying to trick her
into going for a dirty weekend in Margate

- How do you know?
- Paddy showed me the handcuffs

He only wants her for body,
whereas my intentions are pure, I love her

- When did this happen?
- About half past ten this morning

I've asked her to go to Majorca with me,
only I can't afford it. I need fifty quid and next week off

It would certainly be revenge on Paddy,
and much more satisfying than a punch in the face

He nearly caused two suicides

And you'll be rescuing Dolly from two days face down,
handcuffed to a Margate four poster

Here's fifty

It looks to me
as if Paddy is the cause of all our problems

- We've got a plan.
- Leave this to me. One moment, Miss

This is all her Paddy's fault

When you find her Paddy,
tell him he's going to get a beating from me

Don't even think about it

Listen, I've come up with a completely brilliant plan
to punish Paddy without any physical risks to ourselves

There is this really sweet, shy,
innocent young girl I know called Dolly

- Is she a virgin?
- Definitely

I went out with a virgin once.
Not for long, obviously, that would be stupid

Paddy is trying to trick her
into going for a dirty weekend in Margate

- What a Country Life
- I know Paddy only wants here for her body

- Bit of a bra advert is she?
- She's beautiful

I do like buzzwams

As long as she can remember, her whole life,
she has always dreamed of visiting Majorca...

...but she hasn't got the fifty quid for a ticket

If you could pay for her to go to Spain,
she'd much rather go there instead of Margate

You'd be rescuing her from Paddy's evil scheme
and punishing Paddy at the same time

That is brilliant. Let's have a little looky.

Yah, yah, yah, here's fifty.
Get down to Thomas Cook and buy that poor girl a ticket

Thanks. Now, do you think
we should let her go to Spain on her own?

No, not Spain. Not with their men.
Can't trust a Spaniard alone with a swiss roll

- When's this dirty weekend?
- Week after next

Let's have another little looky.

Yah, yah, yah, here's another fifty, sterling.
You're just going to have to go with her yourself

And if anything does happen between you,
at least the cherry was plucked by an Englishman

A hundred and fifty quid!
That's two flights and fifty spenders. I'm a genius

- Rozzers!
- Oh my God What do we do?

Split up... Meet at Charlie's.
Alfie!

Brighton line

Brighton line

London to Brighton line

London to Brighton line.

How long's this going to take?
I should have finished work at six

And in an ideal world I'd be home by now
relaxing in a hot bath with a fireman

Come on Pauline, forgive the lad. He made a mistake.
We've all made mistakes. I married your mother

Listen, will you. Alan thought you'd gone off
with another feller, so he went into one. Who wouldn't?

- The pain you now endure...
- Oh no, he's started up again

...matches my own suffering. I would wake every day
and pray for clouds, for clouds bring gloom

And gloom is all it would be without you, Pauline

Sunshine would be an invasion, out of place,
unwelcome, like a big horse in a pub

Acquit my boy, lovers are lunatics,
imagine what delights a reunion would unleash

- Magnum bonum
- Steady on

- You've been very cruel
- She sighed, did you hear that, that's good

Progress.
A sigh is like lightning, rain will not be far behind

You've been really really horrible to me recently Alan

- There is tenderness there
- She called him Alan

I would cut myself and offer you my blood,
but first observe my tears

Cor, look at that! He can turn it on like a tap.
You got to give it to him haven't you. Amazing

- Where's he going again?
- RADA

Turn around girl, you can't miss this,
he's actually crying real tears

- Is he crying properly or just acting?
- There are tears, yes

- Don't cry Alan
- Excellent. Them tears done the trick

- Pauline, will you share your life with me?
- Come on girl

- I don't know, you said you loathed me
- Oh shit

I did loathe you, yes.
But that was in the distant past, this afternoon...

- ...when I was tossed on the ocean of love's vagaries
- Eh?

- I was deranged, aberrant, demented
- I don't understand

Sorry. I was...

- 'on tilt'
- Like a pinball machine?

- Exactly
- Oh you poor thing

- We're home
- And dry

- Do you forgive me my love?
- Well...

It's Lloyd, with a woman and a man
and Roscoe's minder

Let them in dad, please,
I want to know if Rachel's alright

'If Rachel's alright'...? What about me?

I do forgive you Alan. That's what love is isn't it.
Forgiving someone when they've been a right twat

My heart is now in your hands

- Yes!
- Done!

- Charlie
- I want a word with you Lloydie

You're supposed to be my best china.
Did you know about this?

Yessir, I did. What I did, I did for her.
She's a great girl, she's like a daughter to me man

I apologise to you Alan, and to Charlie,
for disguising myself as Roscoe

I guess it was the obvious thing to do,
given you was identical twins

Charlie, it is not possible
to have identical twins of different sexes

- You say that...
- 'Identical' comes from the Latin root idem...

...meaning 'the same' which has been
bastardised in the English to 'ident'

- What about 'ical'? What does that mean?
- Small, yeah

In Jamaica an 'ical bit of cake'
is a small piece of cake

Yeah, so ident-ical means
'the same but an ical bit different'

With identical twins that might mean the same
but with some small differences

- Like gender?
- Yes

I'll do this once Charlie and once only.
Identical twins, also known as monozygotic twins...

...develop when a single sperm fertilises a single egg
to form a single zygote

Hence monozygote, which then splits and forms
two embryos which carry identical genetic material

Dizygotic twins are formed when two separate eggs
are fertilised by two separate sperm...

...to form two separate zygotes

Twins of different genders must be dizygotic,
they cannot be monozygotic, identical twins...

...because they would have to be, by definition,
of the same gender

- What's your point?
- Charlie!

- Let me explain!
- Forget it, you're flogging a dead horse

Charlie. This is Stanley

I'm so glad everything's worked out for you.
I'm sorted with Alan now and all

Yeah, it's all good. I'm glad it's sorted, I can relax now

- You still owe my father
- God rest his soul

You owe my family, me, six grand

- Fair do's. You can't argue with that Charlie
- Was I arguing? I have every intention of paying it

The money's not a problem Rachel,
just give me a couple of years

- Me and Stanley have decided to stay in England
- What you going to do?

- We're going to get married
- Congratulations

- And we're going to the police, to face the music
- You do right. Let me tell you something

The police love you.
You rid the East End of Roscoe Crabbe

- Oh, so you're the feller that killed her brother?
- Yes. I shall plead self-defence

What you need is a good solicitor. This is Harry Dangle.
He's the best. He got the Mau Mau off

But in Kenya the Mau Mau went on a rampage, killing
a hundred thousand innocent men, women and children

- Allegedly
- Mm. Impressed

I understand the only witness
to the killing of Roscoe Crabbe was Rachel?

Who is also your intended?

In this country a wife cannot give
sworn evidence against her husband in a criminal trial

- What does that mean?
- There are no witnesses to the crime

- But I did actually kill him
- No, you plead not guilty

- But that would be lying
- Lying isn't difficult. Here, give it a go

Did you kill Roscoe Crabbe?

- No
- See, it's easy

- Where were you on the day in question?
- Argentina

The prospect of two weddings,
and a court case with fees. What a wonderful day

Dolly, is that the man
who's asked you to go to Majorca with him?

Yeah. But I'll never get the time off.
You know what your dad's like

Dad. It's all very well us all having a happy ending
but you haven't done nothing for Dolly

- What's Dolly got to do with anything?
- Rachel's minder has asked her to go on holiday with him

If you give her the time off,
that's like three happy endings isn't it

No wait, Dolly, listen.
Don't accept the first offer you get

Another man is in love with you
and is offering a different kind of holiday

You spend your whole life waiting for one man,
then two come along at once

Like buses

I've always said men are like buses. Smelly and unreliable

- What's the choice?
- A traditional British dirty weekend in Margate

Nylon sheets, wood chip, and rain.
That's forty eight hours with only a sex pest for company

Sounds good, yeah. Or?

- A romantic week abroad. Majorca. Sun, sand, sea
- And my personal favourite, diving

That's a clear choice.
Now what about the men?

- Paddy is offering Margate
- Whereas with this man...

...next week, you'll be in sunny Spain

- I thought you said the week after next?
- Let me explain

I agreed that he could have next week off

I'm sorry Badgie,
but how can you 'agree' something with my man?

I have given Henshall the week after next off,
and I've paid him one hundred pounds

- I've paid him fifty pounds and given him next week off
- Mm. Two weeks in Majorca

- Francis?
- Henshall? What's going on?

- It's all Paddy's fault
- Where is Paddy?

I think he's outside

Go and get him

- Is that what you want guv?
- Yes it is

- Dolly, have you met this Paddy character?
- Oh yeah

- Do you like him?
- Yeah. He's a bit of a charmer

Now then, what's the craic?

- Francis?
- No, I'm Paddy. If you're looking for my bro he's outside

I know what's going on here.
Are you and Francis monozygotic twins?

That's it, yes we are

Really? I'm going to go outside
and bring your brother back in

- Oh no, don't bother yourself, I'll go
- No, you stay there. Go on Stanley

Oh, grand.

Oh, dear. Oh, bejaysus,

Mary and the little donkey,
I forgot to buy my swimming trunks

- I'd better go before the shops...
- Stay there

- You little fucker!
- Mr...

- I thought Paddy worked for you
- I thought Paddy was yours

- Who does Paddy work for?
- Oh man, he doesn't exist

I made Paddy up. I've been working for you,
and simultaneously at the same time for you

I'm only one man but I had two guvnors

I'm sorry you feel deceived, both of you,
but I worked hard, didn't I?

- I held down two jobs, and...
- ...nearly caused a double suicide

Only the man who never does nothing
never makes no mistakes.

You judge me as you wish to be judged

Because you both deceived people today for love.
You, guvnor, and you guvnor

You can't criticise me for doing the same,
for I too have fallen in love

- Oh, sweet
- He's right, there's no harm done

- I forgive you. You can have next week off
- I'd be a cad to complain. Take the week after next off too

- Dolly, what do you say?
- Charlie, can I have a fortnight holiday please? On full pay

Oh bloody hell.
This happy ending's turning out expensive

- Go on then
- Give her a kiss man

STUBBINGS: Oh, yummy!

A bunk up in Majorca.
See, sometimes being a liar works.

And with Dolly here, you got to say
there's bound be some fireworks.

I clocked on early, clocked off late

Didn't eat till 2

I walked the walk and talked the talk

And then I fell for you...

A bloody northerner!

It's been a day of minor catastrophe

It's been a day of sink or swim

I've done a lot of grovelling on my knees

Better go and shave me legs cos I'm off to Spain with him

Yesterday seems like last week

Last week seems like last year

But tomorrow looks good from here, oh yeah

Tomorrow looks good from here

I was incognito and lying low

I've been dressed up as a man

There were times I thought you would never show

Can't wait to rip your clothes off
Gonna sort you when I can

Australia was looming dark

Australia was near

Tomorrow looks good from here, oh yeah

Tomorrow looks good from here

It's been a bus ride to hell and back again

I feel like Mozart with just one hand

Now she's mine I'm back on track again

A lot of stuff's been going on that I didn't understand

Yesterday was lovely, yeah

Today was nowhere near

But tomorrow looks good from here, oh yeah

Tomorrow looks good from here

I've got a package deal with one of these suvnor

I'm only one man but I got two guvnors

But tomorrow looks good from here, oh yeah

Tomorrow looks good from here

Tomorrow looks good from here, oh yeah

Tomorrow looks good from here

Tomorrow looks good, looks good, looks good from here!

Tomorrow looks good from here, oh yeah

Tomorrow looks good from here

Tomorrow looks good from here, oh yeah

Tomorrow looks good from here

Tomorrow looks good from here, oh yeah

Tomorrow looks good from here

Tomorrow looks good from here, oh yeah

Tomorrow looks good from here

Tomorrow looks good, looks good, looks good from here.