National Lampoon's Frat Chance (2019) - full transcript

Man:
Burgers, I love burgers.

Who doesn'’t love burgers?

You show me a guy
who doesn'’t love burgers,

I'’ll show you...

I'’m just saying,
we all love burgers.

And why not?

They'’re one of life'’s
simple pleasures.

They make us happy,

and when it'’s all
said and done,

that'’s all anybody wants, right?

To be happy.



I say, what makes every guy
happy are the four B'’s:

burgers, beer, babes,

and your buddies.

Speaking of buddies,

let me tell you a little story about my buddy, Frank--

Ahh, they don'’t come any nicer.

This guy had it all.

He'’s so nice, he was willing
to give one of his kidneys

to his brother-in-law,

and it wasn'’t even
his brother-in-law anymore.

It was his ex-wife'’s brother.

You never know what you got
until you lose it.

I'’m getting ahead of myself,
let me back up.

Frank had the dream job.



He was the city'’s
number one sportscaster.

And when asked how she plans

to spend her $83 million
lottery winnings,

the 97-year-old widow said

she'’s going to Vegas.

And you know what they say,

"What happens in Vegas,
stays in Vegas."

Well, let'’s hope so,
huh, Marco?

And coming up next,

Frank'’s got some big sports
news for us. Right, Frank?

You betcha.
Bigger than big.

Great. But first, let'’s take
a quick look at weather.

Jedda, when are you going to do
something about this heat?

When are you gonna do something
about racial profiling?

Don'’t be asking me
about this heat.

I am not Mother Nature.
Don'’t ask me about the heat.

We are in conjunction
with Mars.

We are so hot right now

because we are getting
the vapors in the atmosphere

from the planet Mars--

Hey, did you clean
your room yet?

I'’ll clean it later.

You'’re not going to your
father'’s game tomorrow

unless your room'’s clean.

Mom, it'’s the Charity Challenge.

Dad'’s coming on in a second
to talk about it.

Come, smell the money

because nobody
should be ugly and poor.

I'’m Roger Byamm.

Wrapping up with sports.

Frank, you have
a big game tomorrow.

That'’s right. It'’s the Charity Challenge.

Our team, the Ringsiders, will take on Rotolo'’s Pizza.

If we win, $5,000 goes
to the Children'’s Bureau
of New Orleans.

The first pitch, 3:00 p.m.

We hope to see you
all out there.

For myself, Jay,
Frank and Jedda,

thanks for watching
Channel 7 news at 6:00.

You don'’t have
to speak for me.

I can speak for myself.

I can say, "Bye-bye."
See? I'’m a grown woman.

Bye-bye.

Shane:
Clear.

So, Jedda, are you
gonna come watch
the game tomorrow?

Could use the support.

Well, there'’s nothing
I'’d rather see

than your fine white asses

in some tight baseball pants,

but I can'’t find a babysitter
for my son, Jihad.

But I'’ll be there in spirit.

The greatest double play combo
in Little League history,

Johnny Green to Frank Baum.

Hey, how long have you two been
playing ball together anyway?

Since before you were born.

Met during Little League,
been friends ever since.

As you might have noticed,

some of us have aged
better than others.

What?

-Woo!
-Again.

Oh, my, backdoor.

So I just reminded
your old man

not to go killing himself
before the surgery.

You know the last thing
I need is a bruised kidney.

Frank is not my
old man anymore.

Oh, please. The two of you are
still in love, just admit it.

We'’re getting a divorce.

Listen. I know you'’re
my big sister and all,

but let me remind you
that neither of you

have signed any papers yet.

Okay. He'’s been
really busy at work,

and now he'’s giving you
a kidney,

so I haven'’t wanted
to add to it

by saying, "Gee, thanks
for saving my brother'’s life.

Now would you sign
these papers?"

Yeah, but you came
to the game and all.

I came to the game
because of Frankie.

-He wants to see
his dad play ball.
-Uh-huh.

Johnny:
If you ask me,

I think they'’re still
in love, too.

But one thing
that'’s stopping them

is Frank'’s new girlfriend,
Trinnie, get a load of her.

Hey, baby.

Mwah.

-Oh!
-Oh.

Is he your dad?

No, he'’s my boyfriend.

Oh, wow.
You like them old.

Frank happens to be the city'’s
number one sportscaster.

Oh, yeah.

I'’ve seen his work.

Look, Henry.

Everything Frank and I
ever did

happened around
a ballpark,

a golf course,
or a boxing ring.

It'’s--it'’s--it'’s just not
what I want.

What do you want?

I want him to grow up.

I'’m not raising
two teenagers.

Besides,

he'’s with that
millionaire hoo-ha now.

Woman: Diane?

Well, speak of the devil.

Oh, excuse. Oh.

Diane, I just want
you to know

how wonderful I think
it is that you brought
little Frankie here

to see his daddy
play this game.

A boy should
be around his daddy.

I was just telling Frank
last night in bed

that I think
you'’re doing a fine job
with little Frankie.

He'’s a great boy.

And Diane,
I want you to know

that I'’m not trying
to take your place
in any way.

Umpire: Play ball!

Here we go.
Here we go. Get it.

Announcer:
A double-play combination

from Baum to Green
to first base.

Let me buy peanuts
for everybody.

Hey, peanuts.

Umpire: You'’re out.

Strike three.

Announcer:
Oh, for Christ'’s sake.

You guys could screw up
a two-car parade.

What are we gonna do?

Remember our second
Little League championship?

Henry Ott?

-Henry Ott.
-Henry Ott.

We need you to get on base.

Right. So should I bunt or...?

Yeah. We need you
to take one for the team.

What does that mean?

Crowd on the plate.
Let the pitch hit you.

What? Won'’t that hurt?

Yeah. Shake it off.

- Umpire: Batter up.
- You'’re the man, Shane.

-Ah.
-Ooh.

Safe.

Are you okay?

Yeah! Yeah!

Because if you'’re hurt,
I can get you some money.

Oh, yeah, I smell money.

Stay down. Stay down.

Medic!

Johnny:
So Frank came through,

as he always does,
and we won.

The kids of New Orleans won.

And we went to celebrate
at our bar,

Larry Holmes'’ bar.

Larry:
Kill the jukebox!

Yup, that Larry Holmes.

I wanna make a toast
to a bunch of great guys, man.

You guys played
a heck of a game.

To the champ!

Can I have everyone'’s attention,
just for a minute, please?

Thank you.

Um, I--I'’d like to make a toast
to the man of the hour.

And for me, many more hours.

I don'’t know how many
of you guys know this,

but Frank is giving me a kidney
the day after tomorrow.

And I just--
I wanna say thank you.

To my hero, Frank.

To Frank.

Frank, you'’re one
brave son of a bitch.

That is a beautiful thing
you'’re doing. Beautiful.

Ah, you'’d do
the same thing, buddy.

No, I wouldn'’t,
I'’m a pussy.

I can'’t stand
the sight of blood.

I can'’t stand the sight
of my ex-wives either
or their brothers.

Although, I wouldn'’t mind
seeing their blood.

Well, geez, Dad.

I didn'’t know you could
still run that far.

Hey, hey.

But, uh, really that--
that--that was awesome.

And--and Uncle Henry, I.

Listen. When I get out
of the hospital,

you and I are gonna spend
some serious time together,
all right?

-We are going fishing...
-Hey, Frankie.

Well, another great game.

Thanks for coming.

Listen, Frank,
despite our differences,

I really want you to know
how much I appreciate

what you'’re doing
for my brother.

Hmm, Doc says
three to four days,

I'’ll be out of the hospital,
a little rest, I'’ll be back
at the station.

It'’s a big deal to me Frank,
so thank you.

Well, Frank Baum,
you'’re just the man
of the hour.

I think we ought
to get going soon,

so we can celebrate
this big evening,
don'’t you?

Let'’s have another drink
with the boys.

Hey, everybody,
everybody, hey, hey,

I wanna thank you all
for a great game today,

you played your asses off.
Especially Shane.

Yeah, Shane. That is
a championship ass.

We raised $5,000
for a great charity.

-To the children of New Orleans.
-Children of New Orleans.

Trinnie:
It'’s game time.

Batter up.

Today, today, today, today,

I consider myself,
self, self, self

the luckiest man,
man, man, man

on the face of the Earth,
Earth, Earth, Earth.

Newscaster:
And from all of us
at Channel 7 News,

good night.

Director: Clear.

Good show. Good show.
Good show.

Now Frank, I know you'’re
going on medical leave,

so I'’m thinking maybe
we'’ll do a news story
on your organ donation.

You know, sweeps season'’s
coming up, and I got
nothing else on the calendar.

-I don'’t think so, Stan.
-Great.

Hmm, that reminds me.
Biff!

I wanna introduce you
to the guy

who'’s gonna be filling in
for you while you'’re gone.

Biff, Frank.
Frank, Biff.

-Frank? So nice
to finally meet you.
-Pleasure.

It'’s an honor to pinch-hit
for you while you'’re out.

-Yeah.
-I'’ve been watching you for

as long as I can remember.

How long have you been
on the air?

Seems like forever.

So, uh, how long
are you gonna be gone?

I don'’t know.
A week, maybe two.

Oh, cool.
Great. Yeah.

Yeah, I'’ve been, uh,
trying to finish up
my reel.

My agent says that ESPN
is very interested in me.

Who'’s, uh, your agent, Frank?

I don'’t have one.
I'’m not going anywhere.

Who knows these days, right?

Woman:
Dr. Howard, Dr. Howard,
Dr. Howard...

Hey, you.

Margarita,
that'’s your name, right?

I need to have a smoke.
Cigareto.

Nicotino,you understand?
Nicotino, comprendo?

Just stay in here.

There'’s one more patient
coming in.

If I'’m not back,
just have him sign this.

-Comprendo?
-Okay.

Okay. After the patient
signs this,

take the paperwork,
put it into the blue folder.

Okay.

The blue folder goes into
the orange folder, okay?

Okay.

Then the orange goes
into the green, okay?

Okay.

Now listen, mamacita,

whatever you do,

do not put the blue
into the red

and into the green, okay?

-Okay.
-Muchas nachos.

Hi, I'’m Frank Baum.

Is this pre-surgery check-in?

Okay.

-Okay?
-Okay.

Okay.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Woman:
Dr. Holsen to the ER.

I need to talk to Dr. Metalon
on the 4th floor, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Dr. Scholl to Orthopedics.

Dr. Scholl
to Orthopedics.

Woman:
Okay, Frank,

now count backwards
from a hundred.

Ninety-nine, ninety-eight,

ninety-seven, ninety-six...

Two.

Morning, baby.

Time to take some vitals.

Okay. What do you need?

Oh, just temperature,
blood pressure.

Your breakfast should be up
in a minute. You hungry?

I guess.
I'’m just tired.

Yeah. Well, you had
some surgery, missy.

The anesthesia should, um,
wear off in a minute.

Good morning.

Rise and shine.

Look what I got for you today.
Breakfast.

-Oh, thank you.
-I'’m Annie Mae.

If you need anything, you
just press that button, baby.

Okay. Thanks.

You'’re too out of it
last night to order

so I got you the slim diet.

All the posties order that.

Okay. Great.
Thank you.

If you need anything,
just let the nurse know, okay?

All right.

-Morning.
-Morning.

I have today'’s newspaper
and some magazines for you.

Great, thank you.

Do you have Sports Illustrated
or something like that?

Sure. Not with me,

but I'’ll see if I can find one
and bring it back later.

Okay, great.
Thank you.

Good morning.

It'’s the first day
of the rest of your life.

And you are?

Dr. Ramada. I performed
the surgery on you.

-Where'’s Dr. Metalon?
-Should I know him?

Well, I guess. I mean,
he'’s the one I talked to.

I thought he was gonna
perform the surgery.

Well, the thing is, you'’ve
already had the surgery

and it could not
have gone better.

And it looks like you are
doing very, very well.

-How'’s Henry?
-Who'’s Henry?

Henry. He'’s Henry Gayle.

He'’s the reason
I had the surgery.

Oh, sure.

His name is Henry.

-Yeah.
-Well, I don'’t know

but, uh, I'’m sure
he'’s very happy.

Well, I don'’t know about happy,

but as long as he'’s okay.

Are you in any pain?

Actually, yeah.
A lot.

Where?

My balls.

Impossible.

No. No.
They--they really hurt.

Well, it may hurt
but I can assure you,

it'’s not your balls.

I'’m no doc,
but I'’m telling you,

the whole groin
is, like, throbbing.

You know?

Let me take a look.

Please.

Wow, that is beautiful.

Yeah. Doc, maybe you could
just look at the incision.

I am.

Oh.

I thought they took it
from somewhere else.

Well, where else do you think
we might'’ve taken it from?

I don'’t know,
I just--yeah.

Now look, Frank,
or is it Fran?

Frank.

When you get home,
tell Henry to, uh,

take it easy for a while
until everything heals.

All right. Will do.

I mean, we don'’t
live together, so.

-Really?
-Yeah.

So what should I do
and not do?

Well, I would say start
with some gentle foreplay

and make sure you use
a good lubricant.

-What?
-To keep it moist.

-Moist?
-Yeah, sure.

You'’re not gonna be able
to do that naturally.

Didn'’t they explain this to you?

No. Actually, they didn'’t.

Well, lube, okay?

Okay. Well, whatever.

I had no idea
donating an organ

was gonna be
such a hassle.

Donating?
That'’s a good one.

I never heard it
called that before.

Well, that'’s what I did,
right?

No. No. No. Frank,
you know, I like you.

You'’re a funny guy.

You know, you don'’t just
take that organ and...

What a minute.
You'’re my doc, right?

Well, I would say I am.
I performed the surgery.

-I mean, you took my organ?
-Yeah.

And then you gave it
to Henry?

Oh! Oh, no.
Oh, no, no.

I'’m sorry, no.
You thought Henry had it?

-What do you mean? Yeah.
-Well, that'’s so sweet.

No, no, no, Frank.
It--it--

it'’s not like your tonsils.

You don'’t take it home
in a jar.

Wait, Henry doesn'’t have
my kidney?

-Kidney?
-My kidney.

-Kidney?
-Yeah, my kid--

Jesus, Doc,

I donated my kidney
to Henry Gayle.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy what?

Oh, shit, oh, boy.

Wait, wait,
what does that mean?

Uh, your name Frank Baum?

Yeah, I'’m Frank Baum.

This does not make any sense.

I don'’t like the sound
of that, Doc.

Well...

Oh, Jesus, Doc.

What are you saying here?

Are you in touch
with your feminine side?

Well, what are you
getting at, Doc?

There'’s been a little mix-up.

A mix-up?

We took the wrong organ.

The wrong organ?

Like my liver?

No.

Well, I still have my heart.

Right.

Oops.

No!

Hey, Dad, what'’s up?

Hey, buddy.

-Trinnie: Hey, how are you?
-Bad.

Oh, not feeling so well?

-No.
-A little pain, Pop?

Yeah, pain,
but worse than pain.

Oh, my God, Frank,
did something go wrong?

They said everything
went perfectly.

No, it did not go perfectly.

Not perfectly at all,
at all, at all.

Well, Dad, what is it?

I don'’t wanna
talk about it, son.

No, look, Frank, what happened?
How serious is it?

I don'’t wanna
talk about it, okay?

Okay.

Hey, there'’s
the man of the hour.

-Oh, Jesus.
-I figured you could use

a little root pop after
what you'’ve been through.

What is this, a party?

What'’s his problem?

Surgery didn'’t go right.

Is he okay?

I don'’t know.
He won'’t talk about it.

What? Frank, what the hell
happened? Are you okay?

No, I am not okay.
I don'’t wanna talk about it.

You can'’t make me,
I'’m never gonna talk about it.

Come on, Dad,
what'’s the deal?

This is crazy. You don'’t even
sound like yourself, Frank.

I am not myself.

Come on, buddy, Frank.

That'’s just
the medication talking.

You'’re gonna be back again
to your old self in no time.

No, buddy, no.

I'’m never gonna be
myself again.

It'’s over.

Frank, this is ridiculous.
Stop being like this.

All right, Dad, come on.
Snap out of it.

You don'’t understand.

Something happened.

That doctor, he...

Frank, sweetie?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, there he is.

How is my big,
handsome stud doing?

What'’s wrong with him?

He says he'’s not himself
and never will be again.

Why? What happened?
Did something go wrong?

It'’s horrible,
just horrible.

Come on, Frank,
what happened already?

The doctor, he--

Frank Baum,
here I am

with good wishes
and prayers of
the entire parish.

-Jesus Christ.
-Him too.

-Oh.
-What'’s wrong
with the boy?

Look, Frank, this is enough.
You'’re being childish.

Come on, Frank,
what is the big deal here?

You wanna know?
You wanna know what'’s wrong?

You wanna know
what those bastards did to me?

Take a look at this.

Hey, Frank, thanks for
saving my life.

I didn'’t.
There was an error.

Huge error.

Unimaginable error.

Biblical error.

What do you mean?
I got a kidney.

-Not mine.
-Hold on, Henry.

If you don'’t have
Frank'’s kidney,

whose kidney do you have?

-I'’m nurse Carly.
-And I'’m nurse Carl.

And we have a song.

Just for you.

♪ You'’ve got a vagina
Fresh and new ♪

♪ Here'’s a little tip
From us to you ♪

♪ If you'’re gonna hook up
With a dude ♪

♪ Be sure to use
Lots of lube ♪

Man:
Channel 7 News is brought to
you today by Rotolo'’s Pizzeria.

We'’re America'’s
fastest growing pizzeria,

with 15 convenient locations
throughout the metro area,

including the Superdome.

We always use
the freshest mozzarella,

and we make our sauces
by hand every morning

with the finest garden-fresh
ingredients.

Our dough is made hourly,

so it'’s always exactly the way you want it, fresh and tasty.

And we don'’t skimp on toppings.

More sauce, more cheese,
more sausage.

Rotolo'’s Pizzeria.

Franchise opportunities
are available.

Man:
And now for your five-day
forecast with Jedda.

Boy, look,

don'’t make me come home
and have to whup you.

No, no, no, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Turn on the TV and put--

and put on Channel 7.

Now, listen, listen to me.

Don'’t you dare set
that babysitter on fire again.

Jedda, weather.

It'’s hot!
And it'’s gonna be hot.

It'’s New Orleans
in the summertime. Hot.

And now Biff has a special
sports update for us.

Biff, I can'’t believe
you actually rode
a horse in the Derby.

And finished in the money.

I can vouch for that.

That was truly amazing.

Thanks for the tip.

I'’m out.

I'’ll raise you a buck.

This is too rich for me.

I'’m just
a poor working stiff.

Your buck, and I'’ll take
last raise.

-What you got, man?
-Full boat.

Oh, very nice.

I got a bigger boat.

Thank you, gents.

A pleasure
doing business with you.

This is not my week.
I mean, really.

Oh, come on, Frank,
it'’s--it'’s nothing.

It'’s nothing at all.

Nothing.

Nada, who cares?

Who cares about what?

Who cares about nothing,
right, guys? Nothing.

Nothing.

Johnny, did you tell them?

No. Nothing.

All right. Something.

I--I--I might have told them
to just be a little supportive.

Frank, it'’s nothing.

It'’s nothing, Frank.
Come on, who cares?

So, you got a snatch.
No big deal.

Yeah, no big deal.
Nothing to worry about.

-Really?
-Really, really.

-Who cares? Who cares?
-Don'’t give it another thought.

Doesn'’t make a difference.
It'’s nothing, buddy.

I mean, come on, guys,
think about it.

Who among us,
at one point or another,

has not seriously wished
that they had a snatch?

Well, to be honest,
I never have.

I never even thought about it.

Yeah, me neither, it'’s awful.

But the point is, buddy,
we love you.

You are the man.
You are the one and only.

So, come on, don'’t be so damn
hard on yourself.

I appreciate the support, guys,

but I am getting this
taken care of.

I am getting back to normal.

Back to normal.

Okay, boys, ante up.
Five cards.

Jacks or better.

I mean, it'’s not like things
have really changed.

You look the same to me.

Yeah, you'’re as ugly
as always.

Yeah, I mean, it'’s not like
it'’s a turn-on.

What?

You having a--a snatch.

It'’snot--that'’s not, I guess,
a turn-on or anything.

Yeah, yeah,
too ugly to fuck.

I mean, there are
some guys that, you know,

they had a snatch.

I mean, you--you know,

I don'’t know, you know.

-You lost me.
-Be grateful.

I'’m just saying there are
some pretty guys that maybe,

just maybe, you might
have to consider.

What, are we
in a Turkish prison?

Well, I'’m not saying

you'’d bypass Halle Berry
to get to them,

but say you'’re--

you'’re stranded
on a desert island.

-Like Gilligan'’s Island?
-Exactly.

-I'’d do Ginger or Mary Anne.
-Me too.

But what if
they weren'’t there?

Mrs. Howell.
Definitely Mrs. Howell.

Good call. Old, but rich.

Okay, okay.

But let'’s say
you'’re the Skipper

and it'’s just Mr. Howell
and Gilligan.

Okay, guys, stop, okay?
Stop.

What'’s the question?

If Gilligan had a snatch,
is what I'’m saying.

That'’s the option?

And we'’re moving
right along.

Okay. Forget it.

-Matt Damon.
-Huh?

What about Matt Damon?

If Matt Damon and I
were on a desert island

and he had a snatch,

maybe.

Matt Damon? Hmm.

Hmm. Matt Damon
is awfully pretty.

-Very.
-Agreed.

Matt Damon is
a very pretty man.

Well, I'’d do Matt Damon on
the condition he had a snatch.

Jesus, guys.

So you'’re saying,
we would--

we would bang Matt Damon
if he had a pussy?

-You'’ve done worse.
-True.

Yeah. Matt Damon.

On a desert island.

With a snatch.

Well, I would have
to vote yes.

I need to use the head.

So it'’s agreed.

If one of us were trapped
on a desert island,

and the only other person
on said desert island

was one very pretty actor
by the name of Matt Damon,

and this said actor,
Matt Damon,

had no male genitalia,
but in fact, a snatch,

we would therefore fornicate

with said pretty actor,
Matt Damon?

-Yes.
-If he'’d have me.

Frank: Jesus, guys,
is it too much to ask?

When you use the toilet,
put the seat down!

Woman:
I'’m sorry, but he'’s not
in his office.

-When do you expect him?
-I really can'’t.

-Frank Baum.
-Doctor.

What brings you here?

I was wondering if you'’d like
to give me my penis back.

I'’d love to.

-Great, when can we schedule?
-I can'’t.

What the hell?
I thought.

I would love to,
but since your operation,

I'’ve lost my license to perform
surgery in the United States.

I might go to Bangkok.

No, no. You'’re the one
that got me

into this situation
in the first place.

I was supposed to donate
my kidney, not my--

Frank, maybe it'’s not
such a bad thing.

Why don'’t you take it out
for a test drive?

A what?

You know, take it around
the block a few times.

You might like it.

No, no, I don'’t wanna test it.
I want my dick back.

You'’d have to talk
to Dr. Weller about that.

Who--who'’s Dr. Weller?

I am the head
of the hospital'’s

gender reassignment department.
And you are?

I'’m Frank Baum.

Of course. You.

Please sit in the other chair.

Oh, that one broken?

Of course not.

Please don'’t cross your legs.

Okay.

-Please don'’t do that.
-What?

-That.
-What that?

That that. Stop it now.
I insist.

-Okay, stopped.
-Thank you.

Now, what seems to be
the problem?

Well, first of all,
I have a vagina.

And a very nice one,
I might add. Congratulations.

Thank you,
but I don'’t want it.

You should'’ve thought
of that before you got it.

-What?
-Tell me,

did you give serious
consideration to this

before you had your
gender reassignment?

No, never for a second.

Well, that seems rather silly,
don'’t you think?

No, no, no.
There'’s been a terrible mistake.

Okay, let me guess.

Your mother was overbearing
and your father was distant.

You loved to play with dolls

and put on your mother'’s pretty
dresses and high-heeled shoes

every morning
when she went off to work.

-Never.
-Not even once?

-Never.
-Hmm.

Doctor, if we could
just schedule

the operation
and give it all back.

No.

-No?
-No.

-Why not?
-Well, it'’s not that easy.

We don'’t just change
someone'’s gender willy-nilly.

-Oh, I--I--
I beg to differ you do.
-Don'’t.

-Do.
-Don'’t.

-Do, did. Well, you did with me.
-Well, I didn'’t.

-Well, the other doctor,
he did.
-Ah, yes.

He doesn'’t work here anymore.

In fact, he'’s no longer
even a doctor.

I know. He told me.

-This is all so sad.
-I know.

Not you, him.

He'’s been a surgeon
his whole life.

Now, it'’s all down the drain.

No more pension,
no retirement in Florida.

Wait, I'’m the one
who was screwed here.

-He lost his license...
-I lost my dick, you prick.

Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I can'’t work with you
if you'’re gonna be hostile.

I'’m hostile because you
won'’t give me my dick back.

I don'’t have it.

I just wanna be a man again.

-Are you a misogynist?
-Of course not, I love women.

As long as you don'’t
have to be one.

Tell me, are you the same way
with blacks as well?

-Blacks, blacks.
Do you like blacks?
-Of course...

Yeah, as long as you don'’t
have to actually be black.

-No, no...
-Would you rather
be a black man

-or a black woman?
-Neither.

My point exactly.

I'’m sorry, you'’re just not ready
to be transformed.

And until you are, I can'’t,
in all good conscience,

approve you
for gender reassignment.

This is crazy.
You'’re crazy.

That is exactly the kind of
attitude that is going to delay

your gender reassignment
procedure.

Oh, my God. Okay.
What do I have to do?

Just--just tell me
what I need to do. What?

When you are ready to...

...heal yourself and calmly
progress down

the path toward gender
reassignment

like a nice, calm, normal,

sane human being,
then we can talk.

Until then, I have other
patients to see.

This is not over.
Not over.

It'’s never over.

Do you suffer from sneezing
and runny eyes every spring?

Think maybe it'’s pollen
or spring fever?

Take it from me, Roger Byamm,
it'’s time to think again.

You may be suffering
from asphaltitis...

...of the nose and sinus area
caused by the microscopic...

-Hey, Frank.
-Yup.

-Can I talk to you?
-Yeah. Give me a minute.
I'’m almost done.

Now.

Sure, what'’s so important?

There seems to be
a little problem.

-With what?
-With you.

Me? With what?

There'’s been a few complaints
from some of the other
gym members.

What? Like--
was the equipment
not wiped down?

It'’s kind of a different
problem than that.

We'’ve gotten a few
complaints about you using
the men'’s locker room.

I'’m a man.

Yeah, but with a vagina.

And so, technically,
you shouldn'’t even be in there.

What, you want me to use
the women'’s locker room?

You'’re not supposed
to be in there either.

So you don'’t want me
to use the men'’s locker room,

you don'’t want me to use
the women'’s locker room,

what kind of discrimination
is that?

It'’s just making some people
feel being uncomfortable.

You'’re saying you don'’t want me
to work out here anymore?

Yes, yes, that'’s what
I'’m saying.

I'’m sorry.

Roger:
Let'’s smell the money, baby.

I smell money for you
and for me.

Call the offices
of Roger Byamm.

I answer the phone myself.

You know what?
I ought to sue your ass.

I ought to sue you
for discrimination.

I'’m gonna sue you
into next Tuesday, big guy.

You know that?
And I'’m gonna sue you,
Mr. West Village.

And I'’m gonna sue you,
Mr. Tattoo Man.

And I'’m suing you, baby.

But first, I am suing
that goddamn hospital!

Roger:
Okay, Earl.

Keep that neck brace on
and work on that limp.

Pain and suffering.

Pain and suffering
are good, Earl.

They are good.

-If you say so.
-I do say so. I know so.

Now, we'’ll work on
mental anguish next time,

but for now,
what, Earl?

-Pain and suffering.
-Ha! There you go.
Way to go, Earl.

-Earl, what do I smell?
-Money?

Yeah, you'’re getting it.

Earl?

Money.

Yeah. That'’s it, baby.

Hey, Frank. How are you?
You look great.

Come on in.
All right.

Gosh, I'’m sorry for
the wait, everyone.

But remember,
it'’s Vicodin Monday.

So, Frank,
what can I do to help?

Well, um...

you know, this isn'’t easy.

Suing people never is,
but that'’s what we do here.

Well, it'’s a little--
it'’s--it'’s--

it'’s personal.
It'’s embarrassing.

Nothing'’s embarrassing.

Well, it'’s sexual.

-Can'’t get wood?
-Hmm?

-Impotent.
-Oh, in a way.

- Preservatives
in the food, maybe.
-What?

I got some cash
last year for this guy.

He had a really hot wife,
and she left him

because he lost the chub
in his chubby.

I blamed it
on salad dressing.

I know that sounds crazy,
but it worked.

Yeah. Well, it'’s--it'’s--
that'’s not it exactly.

Oh, well.
Look, don'’t worry about it.

This happens all the time.

We just have to figure out
someone to blame it on.

No, no.
I know who to blame.

Great, makes my job
a lot easier.

Who are you thinking?

Look, it'’s--it'’s worse--
it'’s worse than that.

Is there anything worse
than a limp dick?

No dick.

I'’m Roger.

-At the hospital,
they cut off my dick.
-What?

I was going to give my ex-wife'’s
brother my kidney.

-I came out with a vagina.
-They did what?

They cut off
my dick and my balls.
They gave me a snatch.

Okay. You'’re putting me on.

Man, you had me going.
This is a put-on.

Are there cameras here
somewhere, huh?

I'’m being Punk'’d, right?
This is kind of cool.

I know.
I was famous around here

but I didn'’t think
Ashton Kutcher
knew who I was.

What do I do,
just kind of what,

play along with it,
huh, Frank?

No. You don'’t understand.

I have a vagina, a beaver,
a snatch, a twat,

a muff, a gash, a cooz,

whatever you wanna call it,
I have one.

Sure you do,
I see it all the time.

You know,
I think I'’m gonna check case law

to see if there'’s
a precedent for this.

Oh, my God.

I smell money.

Frank, this is big.

This is huge!
It'’s unbelievable!

I have never seen
anything like this,

because there has never
been anything like this.

There is no case law
for anything like this.

Oh, my God.
You have hit the lottery.

I'’ve hit the lottery.
We have hit the lottery.

You'’re gonna be rich, Frank.
I'’m gonna be richer.

Oh, there'’s gonna be
lots and lots and
lots of money.

Warehouses full of money.

Obama and every democrat
that ever lived

has never given away
the kind of money
we'’re talking about.

You'’re a one-man economic
stimulus package, Frank.

Do you smell it?

Breathe.

That'’s money.

Oh, Frank,
I smell money.

Johnny:
Well, by now,
Frank was desperate.

I am one with my open mind.

And Dr. Weller suggested
to go to a support group.

All:
I am one with my open mind.

I am one with
my singing heart.

Johnny:
And let me tell you,
what a group.

All:
...with my singing heart.

I am one with my
blossoming genitals.

All:
I am one with my
blossoming genitals.

Yes.

Uh, is this the...?

Oh, you must be Frank.
Welcome to the group.

Come on in
and have a seat.

Everyone, Frank is gonna
be a part of our little group.

Honey, ease up
on the testosterone shots.

You'’re there.

I like them manly.
I'’ll do you like a jackhammer.

-Ladies, ladies...
-I ain'’t no lady.

Sorry, Michelle.

It'’s Mitchell, and you
damn well know that.

Yes. Mitchell, please.

Frank is here for the same
reason that you all are.

He wants a penis.

Well, no shit.

Exactly how much
testosterone do you take?

Hmm? None.

Well, how much
were you taking?

-None.
-Bullshit.

Frank is a unique case.

Yeah. I'’m a, uh...

I'’m a unique case.

Yeah. You'’re the ugliest
woman I ever seen.

Don'’t let them hurt your
feelings, Frank.

They can be mean,
especially the little one.

Up yours, princess.

Michelle, Mitchell.
Please be supportive.

Ugly, so ugly.

-Well, thank you.
-For what?

-I don'’t wanna
look like a woman.
-You don'’t.

Well, not a pretty one
for sure.

But you are pretty
in your own way.

What freaking way
is that?

Frank is unique in
that he isa man

who happens to have
a vagina by mistake.

-Same here.
-No, no, no.

What she means is I'’m--
I'’m a man,

but because of an accident,
I have a vagina.

Same here, same here.

No, no, I--I--
I was born a man.

-What?
-With a penis.

-You were?
-Yes, I was a man.

-There was an accident.
-What sort of accident?

A terrible accident.

Frank, you wanna--
you wanna share your story?

Yes, Frank, please,
tell us how you lost
your dick.

Well, my brother-in-law,

my ex-brother-in-law, he--
he needed a transplant.

-He needed a dick?
-A kidney.

I'’m already confused.

-Go on, Frank.
-The admitting nurse,

she didn'’t speak English
very well.

-Fucking spics.
-No, she wasn'’t Spanish.

Koreans,
those fucking people.

Actually, she was, like,
Indian or Pakistani,
something like that.

Oh, like the ones
that answer the phone

when you call about
your credit card?

Yeah, like that.

Did she have a red dot
on her forehead?

-She did.
-They'’re so hot.

I would like to do one
of those women with a red dot.

Mitchell, please. Frank.

The next thing I knew,
it was gone.

So your brother-in-law'’s
got your dick?

-They do dick transplant?
-I have no idea.

-Well, who'’s got your dick?
-I think they threw it out.

-Those bastards.
-Son of a bitches.

-I want that dick.
-I want that dick.

I hadthat dick.

Everybody, I think
we should have

a moment of silence
in memory of Frank'’s penis.

Doc, I went to that support
group you suggested.

Why can'’t I get
my surgery now?

Oh, Frank, Frank, Frank.

Just because you went to one
meeting with a bunch of pre-ops

who wanna have their
genders reassigned

doesn'’t mean you'’re
physically and emotionally
prepared for this procedure.

You'’ll have to do
more than that to get
approved for your operation.

Well, who decides
when I get approved?

-I do.
-You?

-Me.
-Just you?

Just me.

Woman:
Dr. Hugh to Psychiatry.
Dr. Hugh to Psychiatry.

Hey, girl.

Hey, Frank.

So I'’m planning on having you
talk to someone from the NHL

-for the upcoming
winter sport season?
-Great.

But would you feel
more comfortable

if you had to interview
someone from the Croatian

women'’s gymnastics team?

No, the usual, Sugar Bowl,
stuff like that.

Sure, fine.

So listen, you'’re gonna
be on the 5:00, the 7:00,

and the 11:00 news.

This is huge.

Why didn'’t you tell us before?
You know we'’re in sweeps.

Wait, what?

Your sex change operation.

That lawyer guy
who advertises with us,

Roger Byamm, we picked up
his press release
on the lawsuit.

Frank, you are a one-man
ratings bonanza.

Can you say local Emmy?

You know, Stan,
I think I'’d really rather

keep this private,
if you don'’t mind.

And our viewers, I don'’t
think they want this.

They tune into us
for news.

Oh, please, please.
Our viewers get their
news off the internet, Frank.

They come to us
for entertainment.

Frank, this is all
about the ratings.

Some people
are gonna tune in
just out of curiosity.

Heck, we might even pick up
some freaky viewers.

-Hey, I'’m no freak.
-I know.

All I'’m saying is,
Frank, the freaks,
they'’ve got TVs too.

As a matter of fact,
we should be selling ad space

to all of those joints
that sell to the freaks,

all that freaky stuff.

Sales!

Frank, every talk show
is calling to interview you.

We'’ve got messages
from Ellen, Regis,

Katie Couric,
Letterman, Oprah.

-Oprah?
-Yeah. And Dr. Drew
from Loveline.

And speaking of that,
can I ask you a question?

What is it, buddy?

Where exactly
is the G-spot?

I'’m not sure.

Great. You have a vagina
and you don'’t even know.

How am I ever gonna find it?

My girl.

My name is Frank.
I am not a girl, Jedda.

Okay, let me just talk to you.

This whole you got
a va-jay-jay thing
is not a big deal.

My brother Earl
had the same operation

and everything
turned out fine.

He would show up
for Christmas dinner

as Uncle Earl,
and then he would

come back for dessert
as Aunt Earlina.

And we all got two gifts.

Oh, one thing.

Yeast.

Oh, my God. Frank...

you'’re a cougar.

-What are you doing?
-My desk now.

Ned, we have a situation.

You'’re my stud,
my main man.

Hmm, this is nice.

I'’ve missed you.

And your little Trin Trin
has missed her man, too.

I tried calling and calling,

but you never picked up.

Well, I had a lot
to think about.

Well, I hope you were
thinking about me
all that time.

Well, I guess we need
to be a little patient.

I'’m gonna get
that operation

and everything'’s gonna
get back to normal.

Mm-hmm.
Maybe even better.

Hmm?

Maybe it can be like
the Six Million Dollar Man.

We can build him,

we can make him
better than he was.

Well, I'’d like to think
I was okay before.

No complaints.

No complaints, mister.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, no,
oh, oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay. I'’m sorry, I can'’t.

What?

I'’m sorry, I just
cannot do this. Wow.

Can'’t do what?
Baby, it'’s me.

No, it'’s not,
at least not all of you.

I'’m just--I'’m not--
I'’m not like this.
I'’m not.

-Like what?
-I'’m not a lesbian.

Me neither,
I'’m not even a woman.

I'’m me, Frank.
I'’m a man.

With a vagina.

Frank, ugh!

Even if I wanted
to experiment,

it would be with some
hot chick like Angelina Jolie

over wine or whatever.

But not like this.

I'’m sorry, Frank,

but this just
is not gonna work.

I tried, but I don'’t know.

I don'’t wanna see that, Frank.

What?

Your snatch, Frank,
your snatch.

I don'’t think I'’m ever
gonna forget it, ever.

Where are you going?

To get drunk,
very drunk.

-And then you'’re coming back?
-No.

Well, then where
are you going?

To therapy,
weeks, months,

maybe years of therapy.

As much as my daddy
can afford.

Well,
I'’ll call you tomorrow.

-We can talk about it,
all right?
-No. Aah!

There it is again. Jesus.

Goodbye, Frank.

Goodbye.

Drive safely.

So you'’re all
alone now, huh?
Me, too.

I'’m all alone too,
who cares?

So what?
The main thing is
we have each other.

Right?

You bet, buddy.

I mean, you remember
when Marge left me

for that cable guy? Huh?

You were there for me.

Oh, and Emily left me
for the mailman?

You were there for me.

When Joan left me for the guy
who mows the lawn.

-The Mexican guy?
-I think he was Ecuadorian.

But you were there for me.

Women, they come and go,
they come and they go.

But friends,
best friends, Frank,

like you, you'’re always
there for me.

I always will be, buddy.

How long have we known
each other, huh?

Thirty years?

-Thirty-one?
-Thirty-one years, wow.

Long time.

Hey, Frank,
what do you say?

How about we kick
things up a notch?

-What do you mean?
-Notch, kick, up.

You wanna fuck me?

-What?
-What?

Jesus Christ, Frank.
My God, what are you, crazy?

Okay. Sorry, sorry,
I thought--

when you--
when you said--

sorry.

My God.

Oh, man.

Hey, now that you
brought it up...

-You do wanna fuck me?
-What? No.

-No, I don'’t wanna fuck--
-You do.

It'’s not like I wanna
kiss you or anything.

I'’m just saying you got
a nice new shiny vagina,

it'’s a waste
just sitting there.

Let'’s take it for a spin.

I am not gay.
You are not gay.

You weren'’t until,
like, a second ago.

No, I am not gay.

You wanna fuck me?
We'’re not that drunk.

Me fucking you,
not gay.

Johnny fucking Frankie,
very gay!

You have a vagina, huh?
Not gay.

Buddy, all I'’m saying
is we have

what married couples
wish they had.

I mean, we'’re best friends,
we'’re buddies.

I mean, think about it.
Picture this.

I don'’t want to picture it.

Sundays, huh?

What do you like to do?

-Saints games.
-Saints games, me too.

-What do you do
on Saturday?
-Golf?

Golf, 10:00 tee time,
sharp, me too.

You like burgers,
I like burgers.

I love burgers.
You are not fucking me.

Both of you guys
are making me sick.

All right,
I won'’t fuck you.

You most certainly
will not fuck me.

So I says to him,
"Dad, the good news is

you'’re finally gonna get
that son you always wanted."

Hey, what do you say
we take a five-minute break?

You look down, Frank.
What'’s going on?

I just want Weller
to give me that surgery

so I can get
my life back.

Well, that'’s natural.

But in the meantime,

you need to focus
on your inner self.

In fact,

we'’re doing a day
of readings and poetry

as a little fundraiser
for the center.

Why don'’t you
read something?

Express how you feel,
get it out of your system.

In public?
I don'’t think so.

Yeah, come on.

Nobody would understand it.

Aww. Frank,

it'’ll be a good way
for you to get know

about other people
at the center.

Plus, it might look good
to Dr. Weller.

Weller.

What'’s that tool'’s problem?

Yeah, he'’s a tool
with a God complex.

-What do you say?
-I don'’t know.

Gabriella,
can you help Frank

write something to read
at the fundraiser?

Yeah, I could totally help.

-Well...
-Great.

Everyone, Frank has decided

to join you in your
upcoming performance.

Oh, awesome.

In the meantime,
why don'’t we figure out
a little group activity

for everybody
to participate in
before the show?

-Oh, putt-putt golf.
-Are you crazy?

Those fucking golf clubs
are bigger than me.

-That'’s not fair.
-Let'’s do batting cages.

-You play ball?
-Does she play ball?

Abbe'’s the Great Bambina.

I'’ve been playing softball
18 years, pal.

And she ain'’t bad either.

-Her?
-No strike zone.

Let me catch my breath.

That was great, huh?

Sure, Dad.

What? Cats in the Cradle.
You love that one.

Well, not really.
I mean, not anymore.

I liked it when
I was, like, seven,
but I'’m grown up now.

Wow.

Well, all grown up, yeah.

You'’re a man now, huh?

That'’s right, Dad.
I am a man.

Well, let me ask you
something then.

Man to man.

You'’re okay with everything?

What everything?

I don'’t know, I mean,
your mother and I we...

we don'’t get on that well.

You know,
everything else?

Look, you'’re my dad.

I love and I'’m proud of you.

I don'’t care what you have
or don'’t have down there.

It'’s never been a factor
in my life,

and I wanna keep it
that way.

Deal?

-Deal.
-All right.

Wow, no more Storyland, huh?

Nope.

Okay, well, let me ask you
this then, man to man.

What are you into now?

-Man to man?
-Mm-hmm.

Chicks.

Breakfast is the most important
meal of the day.

You'’re sure you won'’t
have a beer?

No, no. It'’s a little early
for me, Pop.

You know,
those are twist-offs.

Twist off.

A bottle to me
is meant to be popped open.

Hell, if I had a buck
for every bottle of beer
that I opened,

I'’d owned a brewery.

I could remember
when you were a kid,

I use to open up
your root beer bottles
with this, remember?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.

Those long-necked Barq'’s,
I remember.

That'’s the one.

I'’d have my beer
and you'’d drink your root beer,

and we'’d be like
a couple of old-timers.

Made me feel like
a grown-up.

Yeah. Yeah.

What'’s the matter, son?
What'’s--what'’s eating at you?

Oh, you know, Pop.

Oh, that?

Yeah. That damn shame.

I'’m hoping they let me
have my surgery soon.

I just wanna be a man again.

You are a man,
a good man.

Well, it doesn'’t
feel that way.

You know, there'’s a lot
that goes into being a man

besides having a johnson.

Oh, they took my balls too.

I got an idea.

Come on with me.

-Where?
-Come on, come on, come on.

I'’ll show you. Come on.
Let'’s go.

Hey, good morning, sweetie.

Well, hello, Frank.
You'’re looking mighty good
today.

How are you?
Thank you very much.

Meet my son Frank.

-Frank, Jr.?
-No, Frank the VI.

-The VI?
-Long story.

All the men in my family
are named Frank.

Like George Foreman and all
his boys being named George.

I don'’t know. We'’re Franks
and they'’re Georges.

Okay. Well, may I be
frank with you?

Why not?
Everybody else is.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, where'’s Hunter?

-Where else?
-Oh, where else is right.

-See you later, sweetie.
-Have a good day, guys.

Thank you.

Hot dog.
That'’s a good man.

Hey, Frank.

How'’s it going? Wanna do
some one-on-one with me?

Come on.

Lay off us old-timers,
will you?

Hey, this is my son Frank.
He'’s a hotshot.

He'’ll give you
some competition.

Oh, I don'’t know about that.

How about Around the World?

-Huh?
-Why not?

Take it easy on him,
will you?

-Okay.
-All right.

Hey, how about you guys, huh?

How are you doing, Joe?
Let me give you a hand.

-Good luck.
-All right.

I'’ll take your wallet.

All right.
This is the one.

Oh!

I think I just got hustled.

Where did you learn
to shoot like that?

Playground.

Warren Easton High School.

Warren Easton High School?

Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute.

You'’re Hunter Mileaux.

The one and only.

I remember you.
You were all-state.

-Life, huh?
-Life, man, Afghanistan.

Land mine.

Wow.

Yeah, it ain'’t how
I saw life going,

but I'’m here talking to you.

And I think I just kicked
your ass at basketball.

I think you did.

See, life is not
about yesterday.

It'’s about today.

It'’s about now.
It'’s about next week,

next year.

I get out of here
next month.

Got a job as
an accountant.

Took the classes
while I was in here.

I got a life
and a career.

Don'’t get me wrong,
I miss the fast breaks

and the slam dunks.

Man, you used to fly
through the air,

just hang there.

Listen to the roar
of the crowd.

It'’s unreal, man.
Just unreal.

But it'’s in here.

Right here.

Nothing could take
that away from me.

And no matter what
you see here,

or what body parts
aren'’t here,

I'’m here.

I'’m right here.

Yo.

You guys have a lot
in common, you know?

Nah. I'’m just
a sportscaster.

You know, a lot of people
don'’t know this,

but Hunter was instrumental
to saving lot of lives.

That mine went off
right under him,

and it took everything.

He crawled with
what he had left.

He went down and radioed
for support.

That tough SOB.

But let me tell you something,

I'’ve been in combat
and I'’ve seen a lot,

but I never saw anything
more beautiful

than you being wheeled
into that operating room,

ready to give
one your kidneys.

You went in there
to save a man'’s life.

Not for pay,
or patriotic duty,

but just because
you'’re a man.

You'’re brave, son.
Real brave.

Okay,

so they took
your junk instead.

But that doesn'’t change
why you were there.

Having a penis
makes you a male,

but it doesn'’t make you a man.

You'’re a man,
Frank Baum.

Understood?

Understood.

Hey, Frank, I just wanted
to come check on you.

Yeah, uh, I'’m not so sure
about this.

I'’m thinking maybe I ought
to tell some funny stories
about athletes instead.

There was this one time
in Puerto Rico,

I was at this bar mitzvah,
with Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson

-and Elton John.
We'’re at the piano...
-No. Frank, don'’t do that.

Be a part of this.

Use this experience.

-For what?
-To learn.

Learn about yourself,
and maybe about your friends,

and the people who love you
and why they love you.

Oh, I say

these are not the parts
and poems of the body only,

but of the soul.

Oh, I say now,
these are the soul.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

And now for the last,
and I would say,

most special performer
in our program.

Please welcome,
a wonderful man,

Frank Baum.

Yeah, go get him, Frank.

Frankie!

Go get them!

Sorry.

"My vagina.

"My vagina
is a part of me.

"But it is not
the all of me.

"It is not who I am
or who I shall be,

"but just one unique
and special part of me.

"I live and love

"and want the world to see

"that there is
so much more of me.

"Judge me by my soul
and by my deeds

"and not by just
this part of me.

"I am who I am

and that
I shall always be."

Bravo!

All right, Frank.

Really? I mean,
you'’re not just saying that?

-Really, you were fantastic.
-It wasn'’t too...

No, no.

As a matter of fact,
I found the whole thing

-to be very moving.
-Thanks, buddy.

Yeah, I'’m even thinking of
getting one of those myself.

About that conversation
we had at the bar...

What conversation?

Good.

Frank:
Very pretty
in that one.

Hands, great hands.

Hey, Chad.
Check this out, man.

Looks like a circus
came into town early.

Hey, what kind of freak show
are you guys putting on?

Hey, cool it guys, huh?

Dude, look at that one.
That is the ugliest one
I'’ve ever seen.

I said cool it.

Whoa, no way.

You'’re that dude on TV?

What, are you defending
these freaks now?

I'’m a bit of a freak myself.

That'’s right.

You'’re the man
with the pussy.

-This is gonna get physical.
-Physical?

There are three of us,
and there'’s only one of you.

-Two.
-Three.

-Four.
-Five.

Whatever.

Freaks.

-Thanks, Frank.
-Thanks.

-We owe you one.
-I owe you guys.

-Bah.
-Yeah.

Come in.

Oh, hey, Dad.

Hey, kiddo.

So, first real date, huh?

First official date.

Right, official date,
of course.

Yeah, been on a bunch
of unofficial dates.

-Of course you have.
Listen, kiddo.
-Yeah?

-Let'’s have a little talk.
-About what--no, Dad.

I already know this stuff.

Oh.

Okay. Great.

So no other questions?

Well, now that
you mention it,

I do have one question.

What is it, son?

-Dad, it'’s kind of
a tough one.
-It'’s all right.

All right.

Why do you have a camel toe?

Ah, made you look.

-Uh, that'’s a good one.
-Yeah.

So listen,

there'’s a little something
you might not have seen online.

A secret weapon

guaranteed to render
the chicks helpless.

No, whoa, whoa, easy.

It is very potent.

-Frankie, Jessie'’s here.
-Coming.

You look really beautiful
tonight, Jessie.

Thank you.

And there'’s my Frankie
all dressed up.

Hi, Jessie.
You look awesome.

You too.

Okay, let me a get
a picture of you guys.

Let'’s go, kids.
Dad'’s getting antsy.

Hey. Oh, sweetie,

have fun tonight.

Be good, Frankie.

I'’ll try, Dad.

Well...

...I'’ll head home
and get some dinner.

Um, you know, Frank,

I haven'’t eaten yet,

and I have plenty of food.

Mitchell:
Are you sure about this?

Couldn'’t this push back
the chances of us
getting our operation?

We already waited this long.

It'’s not gonna kill us
to wait a little bit longer.

Yes?

Excuse me, do you have
an appointment?

-No.
-Oops.

Are you out of your mind?

Maybe.

Listen up, jerkoff,

I wanna talk to you
about Frank Baum.

He has a family,
and friends,

and a life he should
get back to.

So why don'’t you
cut your bullshit
and help the man?

This is absurd.
You are absurd.

You are all absurd.

Hi.

Not my Liza.

You know, Doc,

you don'’t have one picture
of anybody in your family

or a friend in here.

Maybe you don'’t
have any.

maybe you don'’t
deserve any.

But Frank Baum
is my friend.

Our friend.

You know,

we asked to go through this.
He didn'’t.

So why don'’t you help the man
get back to his life?

It'’d be a nice thing to do.

And sometimes, Doc,

it just feels good
to do something nice.

You should try it sometime.

Come on, Mitchell.
Let'’s go.

Woman:
♪ I don'’t want spend... ♪

Oh, Frank.

Seeing them tonight,

I kept thinking
of you and me

way back on
our first dance.

I know.

He'’s growing up so fast.

Seems like every time
I turn around,

I'’m missing something
in his life.

That'’s easy to fix.

Don'’t turn around.

You know, this whole...

screwup.

It'’s like I see
everything clearly now.

I look at myself
and I say,

"What the hell
was I thinking?"

I should'’ve been focused
on you and Frankie.

How'’d you put up with me?

That'’s a good question.

Uh... yeah.

Thanks for dinner.
I should head back.

Um, Frank...

you look tired.

And I think maybe
you should stay the night.

Oh, Diane, no way. No.

I couldn'’t--I can'’t--

you know, I mean,

we couldn'’t,
you know...

No, I know.

Although, you know
I can'’t resist that cologne.

-Hello?
-Frank.

-Dr. Weller.
-Yes?

I have some news I think
is going to make you

and your friends
very happy.

Hey, Shane.

I want you to pull
some footage for me

and shoot my new promo.

Oh, sure, but that
has to be cleared
by promotions and the...

Sure. Sure.

Do you have to clear it
when you help out
your Uncle Frank?

Oh, he'’s not my uncle.
He'’s my friend.

Yeah, whatever
that is all about.

-Huh?
-I just wonder why

a young up-and-comer
like you

would lasso yourself
to that guy'’s star.

He'’s old, he'’s a freak,

and he'’s on his way out.

Okay, listen,
Biff Baxter,

or whatever
your real name is,

I really hate
to do this but...

you are a butthole.

Hey, hey.

Shane, watch your language
there, buddy.

Well, he had it
coming to him, Frank.

What has you rattling cages,
Biff?

Dude, all I'’m saying
is your lame reports

are gonna cost the station
the ratings bump.

I got it.

I'’d love to stay
and debate you,

but Shane
and I have practice.

Oh, yeah, that charity
challenge bullshit.

Bullshit?

Yeah.

A bunch of
middle-aged men and him.

I could beat you guys
single-handed, blindfolded.

But the rules state
I got to have nine on a team.

Is that a challenge?

Me and my friends are in.

How do I know you'’ve got
what it takes?

-Five Gs?
-Eight friends.

Oh.

Are we on?

You win,
I leave Channel 7.

I win,

it'’s bye-bye, Biffy.

Pack your bags, Pops.

Frank, what if we lose?

Shut up, Shane.

Johnny:
So, now that Frank was gonna
get his junk back,

we just had to help him
get his job back.

Frank, are these guys
gonna show up

or are we gonna win
by forfeit?

I don'’t know.

Look.

Oh, my God. Look at them,
they'’re like pros.

What can I do, Frank?
What can I do?

You can act like a man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy, Don Corleone.

Let'’s play ball.

We are down to...

what is going to be
one heck of a game.

Strike three!
You'’re out!

Two. That'’s two.

Henry Ott?

Henry Ott.

We need you
to get on base.

Right. You want me
to bunt or swing away?

Yeah, we need you
to take one for the team.

What does that mean?

Lean over the plate.
Let the pitch hit you.

What? Won'’t that hurt?

Take it like a man.

Come on.

Nice. Get '’em.

Come on.
Team!

Umpire: Safe!

You'’re awesome,
sweetheart.

Biff: Frank.

Keep in touch,
little man.

-Congrats, Frank.
-Good game, Frank.

All right, guys.

Hey, buddy, for your
surgery tomorrow,

promise me you won'’t get
in the wrong operating room
this time.

What could possibly go wrong?

Oh.

Let'’s go home, huh?

Nurse:
Okay, Frank.

Now count backwards
from a hundred.

Ninety-nine,

ninety-eight,

ninety-seven,

ninety-six...

...two...

So everybody lived
happily ever after.

Frank got his settlement
from the hospital

and he even wrote
a number one best seller,

The Vagina Man.

Michelle--I mean, Mitchell,

ended up getting married

to Frank'’s ex-girlfriend,
Trinnie.

-Man: Hurry up, Johnny.
-Coming.

Spud:
Bourne Identity is coming on.

This is my favorite
Matt Damon film.

He sure is a pretty man.

Very.

-Matt Damon.
-Matt Damon.

Peanuts!

Oh! I just love peanuts!

Oh!

Peanuts.

Please, let me buy peanuts
for everybody.

Hey, peanut man.
Whoa, peanut man.

-Well.
-Awesome.

Okay, how many do we need?
Peanuts?

Thanks, Trinnie.
But I can'’t have any.

-Diane?
-Maybe later.

-Oh.
-I guess I'’ll take a bag.

I already have nuts.

Oh, well.

I like a man
who thinks ahead.

Okay, so let'’s see.

Henry was a no.

Diane was a no.

Frankie was a yes.

And Travis has his own.
So that'’s...

Well, that'’s one,

and I'’ll have four.

So, that'’s...

five bags of peanuts, please.

One, two...

oh, three, four--

oh, here you go.

-Okay. How much is this?
-That'’ll be $10, ma'’am.

All right.
All right.

Oh, thanks, ma'’am,
but do you have cash?

Oh, well. Okay.

-Well, thank you, ma'’am.
-Oh, thank you.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

I wanna give you something.

All right.
I appreciate that.

-Oh, you are too kind.
-Thank you very much.

Cheap-ass bitch.

I just love peanuts.

I always have.

I should tell my daddy
that I want him to buy me

a big old peanut ranch.

Oh!

But do you know,

I do not know why
they call it peanut butter.

You cannot cook with it,
believe me.

I have tried.