National Lampoon's European Vacation (1985) - full transcript

The Griswolds win a vacation to Europe on a game show, and thus pack their bags for the continent. They do their best to catch the flavor of Europe, but they just don't know how to be be good tourists. Besides, they have trouble taking holidays in countries where they CAN speak the language...

It's time for
America's favorite game show:

Pig in a Poke.

Pig in a poke
It pays to be a glutton

Pig in a poke

Oink! Oink! Oink!

Pig in a poke
You could win all or nothing

Pig in a poke

Oink! Oink!

So let's meet
our current champions...

...the Griswalds.

And here's the star of our show:

Kent Winkdale.

Well, Clark,
it's time for your big decision.

Are you gonna keep what's in the poke...

...or are you gonna risk everything
and go for the big prize?

Johnny, remind our good folks
what they have already won.

A supercharged
Honda 750 motorcycle.

A dream kitchen
with brand-new major appliances.

And for Clark, the king of the family...

...a 10-year supply of Regal Car Polish...

...the car wax of royalty.

But first, Clark...

...why don't you remind our audience
who you are and what you do.

Okay, Kent. L'm Clark W. Griswald.

I'm in food additives and condiments,
not preservatives.

Not preservatives.

What about the family, Clark?

This is my wife, Ellen,
my son, Rusty, and daughter, Audrey.

Hello, Ellen.

Hi, Rusty.

And Audrey.

Well, Clark...'ve won some fantastic prizes.

You wanna keep them...

...or you wanna risk everything
and be a pig?

Be a pig. Be a pig.

- Be a pig. Be a pig.
- Oh, boy.

Clark, let's just keep what we have.
I love the Señor Cappuccino.

Dad, don't do it.
Nobody ever wins the grand prize.

Kent, we've decided.

Oink, oink. We'll be pigs.

Aah! No!

So long, motorcycle.

Well, you're very brave. I wish you luck.

And now, a fantastic surprise.

Back by popular demand,
the all-time winningest family... the history of Pig in a Poke,
the Froegers.

The Froegers. Clark, no one's
ever beaten the Froegers.

Now, Mr. Froeger, why don't
you tell us about yourselves.

I won my Nobel Prize in 1967.

My wife won hers in 1970.

Our son, Moe, has just been elected
to the board of Microtech...

...that's a computer software corporation.

And our daughter, Ruth,
she has just become...

...the youngest female ever to be
accepted at Harvard Law School.

Good luck to all of you.

Now, let's take a look
at our categories. Johnny....


"American Explorers."

"Chronology of the Pharaohs."

"The Geography of the Brain."

And "History of Early
Hungarian Cabinetmaking."

- Not bad.
- Back to you, Kent.

Froegers, since you're the challengers,
you get to pick first category.

The one about Hungarians.

Nobody knows anything
about Hungarians.

Well, l don't know. Kent, we'd like
"The Geography of the Brain."

The question is:

"What are the pyramidal tracts?"

Five seconds.

I believe the pyramidal tracts
are a housing development...

...outside of Cairo.

Too bad.

Froegers, quickly.

You are the champions
if you get the correct answer.

Kent, the pyramidal tracts...

...are a complex of multisynaptic
lower motor neurons...

...which interconnect the basal ganglia
with the reticular formation.

I'm sorry, you said
"lower" motor neurons.

The correct answer
is upper motor neurons.

Upper. Upper.

- Well, nobody wins.
- Still in it. Still in it.

Froegers, select another category.

"Early Hungarian Cabinetmaking."

"Αmerican Explorers."

American Explorers. Griswalds.

In 1804, an expedition explored an area...

...from the Louisiana Territory
to the Pacific Coast.

For the grand prize...

...what lieutenant...

...led that expedition?

- L give up.
- Wait a minute--

Quiet down. I think I got this one.

Five seconds.

- Come on, Dad.
- Time's up, Griswalds.

Do you have an answer?

- Clark.
- That's it.

Clark, of Lewis and Clark.

And the Griswalds
are our grand prize winners.

- No, that was a mistake.
- No.

She doesn't know that. It was a mistake.

Come on out here.

The Griswalds havejust
won a fabulous European vacation.

We'll fly the whole family
to London, England...

...where you'll start off on a two-week
vacation extravaganza...'ll never forget.

"On to Germany, where you'll enjoy
a fine meal at Dieter's on the Ruhr...

...and dance to the gay music of
Esther and the Black Forest Girls."

I tell you, this is gonna be
some vacation, huh, kids?

Yeah, Dad. Sure.

Come on, Rusty, give me a hand
and set the table.

Mom, why can't Audrey ever do it?

Because Audrey has company.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- Rusty, come on.
- Wait a minute.

- Clark.
- Russ, obey your mother.

Jack, I can't stand the thought
of being away from you...

- ...for a whole two weeks.
- Well, it'll be like before we met.

Before we met, my life was horrible
and meaningless...

...wasn't yours?

Yeah, sort of.


Let's light them up.

Audrey, will you please eat something?

All right now, everybody.
Let's listen up here.

Let's take a look at the map,
go over our schedule here. Okay?

Now, the plane is gonna fly us
from Chicago to London.

That's Madrid, Dad.

I think you're right, Russ.

This must be one
of those old medieval maps.

- Yeah, right.
- Dad, l've made a decision.

I can't leave Jack, and besides,
the food in Europe is fattening.

Yeah, and I like her thin.
She eats too much.

Clark, why don't you and l just go alone?

It's obvious that the kids
don't even wanna go.

Of course they wanna go.

We're a family.
We're going to Europe as a family.

- Don't we have a say in this?
- L think we should have a vote on it.

Okay, l can be big about this.

Form now on, we're a democracy.
Everybody gets a vote.

Who's gonna be president?

All right, we'll vote on that.
We'll have a secret ballot here.

You write down your choice.

Give it to your mother.

Here you go, Russ.

This'll be for the president...

...of the Republic of Griswald.

All right, that's one for Clark.

One for Rusty.

One for Jack.

- One for Clark.
- Okay, that's two for Clark.

Now, as president
of the Griswald Republic...

...l move we go to Europe.

Jack, you wait here.

Oh, Clark. Oh, what are you doing?

Just a little memento
before we go away, honey.

- L just got the kids.
- No, no, no.

I don't want anyone to see me like this.

Don't be silly. No one's gonna see you.

Honey, remember that song you did
in college in that musical...

...that dance thing?

No. I'm not gonna do that.
No, Clark, l'm not doing that. No.

Honey, you know l'm gonna erase this.

- Really?
- Yeah. Come on.

What do you say?

Okay, okay. You go over here.

I'm ready, honey. Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute. Okay.

The minute you walked in the joint

I could see you were
A man of distinction

A real big spender


So refined

Wouldn't you like to know
What's going on in my mind?

So let me get right to the point

I don't pop my cork
For every guy I see

Hey, big spender

A little time with me

Don't stop, honey.

So sexy. L love you.

Jeez, this Pig in a Poke itinerary
is just great.

You know they've worked it out
to the exact minute?

- We won't miss a thing, honey.
- Clark...

...why don't we just
forget their itinerary...

...and play it by ear? Like normal people.

Honey, we're not normal people.
We're the Griswalds.

Oh, kids. L've saved
the big surprise for last.

- We're turning around and going home?
- No, no, Audrey.

We're visiting my relatives in Germany.

Not if we don't vote for it.

- You'll vote for it, Russ.
- Why should l?

Because I just raised
your allowance, that's why.

I think I'm gonna like
this democracy stuff.

- Would you like something to drink?
- You want something?

- No. No, thank you.
- L'll have a Coke.

Do you want that in the can?

No, I'll have it right here.

Honey, push "French."

- Give me a French word.
- Soufflè.

Soufflè. All right.

Push "English."

Okay, instant translation.
"Soufflè" means...


It's gotta mean something else.
Wait a minute.

Lord and Lady Poncenby Smythe.

- Lady Amelia Spicer...
- Very nice.

...and the Baron von Richtshofen.

Mr. And Mrs. Clark and Ellen Griswald.

- Oh, he came.
- Marvelous.

The Griswalds.

- Wonderful.
- Yes.

Say, Chuck, how are you?

- Good to see you.
- You look beautiful. Di.

- Great to see you.
- You know my son, Charles...

- ...and Lady Diana.
- This is my wife, Ellen.

- Hello. Wonderful to see you.
- Di.

- How are you?
- Clark, I do hope...

...we can have the first dance.

There you go again, Di. Listen.

As you well know, the only princess
in my life is my wife.

She gets the first dance.

- Sorry.
- No, Clark. Wait.

- Sorry.
- Wait. Clark.



The hills are alive

With the sound of Griswalds

They should spin around
For a very long time

I'm feeling so high
That l just can't stand it

It's as though l've been here

For at least a week

Here we are, guv.
The Royal lmperial Windsor Hotel.

It's all right.

You want me to give you
a hand with that?

Think you can manage--? Ow!

Tell you what,
you can just get that stuff in.

- And I'll....
- Come on, Mom.

Carry that, and I'll get the luggage.
Russ, we could use your help.

- L've got these bags.
- L just hope you can, sir.

Sure you don't want me to help?

This one's stuck. There, l got it.

- Okay, Russ?
- Yeah, Dad. L got it.

- Ellen, do you have any money?
- I've got it.

- Okay, would you pay?
- No problem.

Camembert cheese
is also produced on a large scale.

And molded by the thousands
in giant factories.

But historic places like the Abby of--


Farmhouse Camembert.

Top of the evening.
I'm Clark W. Griswald.

We're from the
United States of America...

...and l believe
we have reservations for four.

No, you're scuppered, mate.
It's all gone reels of cotton.

Place is full of macaroons.

I could get on the dog and bone
to my mate Jimmy the Spiv...

- ...down Whitechapel way.
- Dad, he's speaking English.

Yeah, l know.

We got this from the Pig in a Poke show.

They said there'd be rooms for four
and a rental car for us.

We're the grand-prize winners.

- Oink! Oink! Oink! We'll be pigs.
- We're pigs.

Oh, the Yanks. Yeah.

Yeah, follow me.

You got anybody
to help with the luggage?

Oh, sure. Mom.

No, no, no. Please, really, no.

Kids, come on. Help me out,
will you? Please sit.

I mean, this is ridiculous.

"Sixty-five rooms tastefully
decorated, all with private bathroom...

...and shower, color television, radio and
telephone. Deluxe accommodations... the sumptuous
Royal lmperial Windsor Αrms...

...combines old-world charm
and modern convenience."

Clark. Does this look like...

- ...the room in the brochure?
- Well, no. They....

They shot this picture
from another angle.

Or repainted. It's very quaint. L like it.

Well, l'm sure it'll look much better
after I've had a hot bath.

Well, the bed's nice and soft.

Clark, there's no bathroom.

Of course there's a bathroom.

Europeans go to the bathroom,
don't they?

Maybe they don't.

Cheeses come in a great vari--

I think we better call the front desk.
Something's wrong with this thing.

We've only got four channels
and no MTV.

- L think that's all there are, Russ.
- No.

Cheeses-- Cheeses--

No. No.

Just think of it,
shopping on Bond Street...

...bobbies, fish and chips, Big Ben.

Shopping on Carnaby Street.

It's gonna be so romantic.

You know, I have to warn you.

I'm feeling very naughty tonight.

Sorry. Congratulations.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

- What can l do for you?
- L wanna leave a wake-up call...

...for 7 a.m., if you please. Good night.

You're in bed already.
I left a wake-up call, honey.

Get an early start in the morning.

Love you, love you.

I've been waiting for this.

I can't believe we're alone at last.

Just you and me.

I'm so horny.

And these bubbles.

They make me feel so....

You know, I feel like....

You know.


When did you stop
shaving your legs, honey?

Why don't you just jump in here with me?

I think I made a mistake. Sorry.

- Ls my wife in here?
- No.

I got so confused with all
the numerous doors in the hotel.

I guess this happens all the time.

- No.
- No?

Could you unlock your legs
from my leg, please?

- No.
- My right leg is asleep.

If l could just-- Oh, no.
Thank you, really. Please don't.

- Lt's hot in here, is it?
- L gotta get-- It's hot, yeah.

Yeah, really hot.
If l could just undo that--

I've got a mild case of herpes,
easier if I got out.

- Αwful for you.
- Let me just check--

- l'll get a wake-up call first.
- Just check it?

Clark, you won't believe what happened.

- L was in the bathroom, in the tub.
- L've been looking for our room.

- This guy came in--
- l go into this lady's room--

- l don't even know where our room is.
- Lt's right here.

For God's sake, they don't
even put numbers on the door.

Here it is, kids.
Our English transportation.

Now we're gonna have some fun.

- Where's the wheel?
- Other side, Dad.

Clark, you're driving
on the wrong side of the road.

I realize that, honey.
I'm also on the wrong side of the car.

Boy, l'm sorry.

No trouble. Dear chap, don't mention it.

I've had this bump for ages. Now,
I've got an excuse to get it fixed.

- Listen, l'm fully covered--
- No, no, no.

I should be the one who's thanking you.

Well, of course. Thank you.

- Here we go.
- No.

- Yours.
- Good.

- Very sorry, again.
- No. No, problem.

God, he was nice.

It's not bad in England, huh?

God, I must say...

...the English are certainly....

We seem to have
run into a bit of trouble, what.

- Oh, rotten luck.
- L'm really sorry. L'm trying... get us back to our hotel.

An Αmerican. Delighted to meet you.

- Thank you.
- L hope you're enjoying our country.

Well, we are. Lf I get the driving straight--

Don't worry about a thing like this.
No trouble at all.

I mean, after all, I was driving
on the right side of the road.

Which is the left side of the road.

That's the whole problem.

- Listen, let me get this for you.
- Oh, no.

The least l can do is get it back
on your car for you.

You keep that. Take it back
to New York as a memento, what.

Thank you. That's very kind of you.

Honey, here's another one. Thank you.

Well, have a good day.

- So long. Thanks again.
- Bye-bye.

I think I got the hang of it now.

All you have to do is just stay
on the right side--

Oh, please.

- Oh, please let me help you.
- Ls he all right?

Oh, no. No problem. No problem, squire.

No harm done. This doesn't--
Doesn't hurt much at all.

Let me pay for the damage.

Good heavens, no. No need for money.

- No, no.
- Are you sure?

Oh, yes. Be perfectly all right.

Can l get you some help?
I can get to a phone.

- Help? No, no, no.
- Maybe he knows... to get to the hotel.

I hate to bother you,
but we're from the United States.

We're at the
Royal lmperial Windsor Αrms.

Royal lmperial Windsor. Very nice hotel.

Well, we like it. It's a little small.

Well, you go back
the way you came...

- ...and you just keep going to--
- Oh, my God.

You got a bad cut.
We better get you to the hospital.

- Lt's just a flesh wound.
- Are you sure?

Nothing to write home about.
No need to bother.

- Did you say left or right up there?
- Just a left, yeah. Ow!

- Maybe it's broken.
- Oh, no, no, no.

It's just a leg. L've got another one.

Yeah, no, l'll--
I'll just pop into the chemist's.

Be right as rain in the morning.

- The final isn't till Sunday.
- Oh, good. Well, then.

Oh, sorry to bother you--

Haven't seen a bike
around here, have you?

It's right under the car.
Let me get it for you.

The tire isn't flat
so we're in good shape.

Thanks for the directions,
and l'm sorry what happened.

- You'll be all right?
- Thank you. Sure.

- Okay. Drive carefully.
- Thank you.

- Have a nice day.
- Yeah, Bye.

L guess what we do is
just drive around this circle here.

It should be the second left exit.
There's the hotel over--

Hey, look, kids. There's Big Ben.
And there's Parliament.

- There it is, there it is.
- L know.

I can't seem to get over
to the left, honey. I'll try next time.

Sorry. We'll get out
of this jam in a minute.

Kids, Big Ben, Parliament again.


- We know. Big Ben.
- We know. Big Ben.


- Clark.
- That son of a bitch.

Look, kids. Forget it.

This is absurd....

It's amazing. L cannot get left.

There's Big Ben, kids, Parliament.

I don't know....

When it's time to relax

One thing stands clear

Beer after beer

If you got the time

We got the beer

Reach out

Reach out and touch someone

Reach out

Call up and just say hi

What's the matter, Audrey?

Rusty, l can't stand it.
I'll never make it through two weeks.

- Two weeks is nothing.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, it's 14 times as long
as yesterday, and yesterday lasted... eternity.

Why don't you call him.

- Are you crazy?
- Why? What could happen?

Dad could rip my tongue out, that's what.

I bet he wouldn't even notice it
if you kept it short.

Okay, look. L'll just say hello
and goodbye. Short, short.

I wonder if anything's good on TV.

Should I watch cheese or snow?

- Hello?
- Hello, Jack?

- Hey, Aud.
- Oh, God, Jack, l miss you so much.

- Do you miss me?
- Oh, yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, l miss you so much it hurts.

- You do?
- Yeah.

- Look, I gotta go.
- What?

- L gotta eat.
- Oh, your mom's calling you to dinner?

Okay, l'll hold.

Dad, can we stop? L'm hungry.

Yeah, Dad. Rusty's hungry.

Not now, kids.
We got a schedule to keep.

That's it. That's it. That's the way
I want my hair cut, Dad.

Russ, you don't wanna
look like a rooster, do you?

Hey, there's Buckingham Palace, kids.

That's where the queen lives and works.

Works? Well, what does she do, Dad?

She cleans and vacuums.

- We'd like to check out, please.
- Oh, yeah.

Now, Mr....

Mr. Greaseball.
I'll just tally up your bill for you.

Clark, do you think we'll have time
to see Stonehenge?

There's no problem. I've calculated
distance and driving time.

If we don't stop for lunch,
we'll make it to Paris.

I'm so sick of English food.
I feel like a blimp.

You look fine.

Don't l just have to sign?
The Pig in a Poke people take care of it.

- Doesn't include the phone bill.
- Well, that's no problem...

...we just made a couple local calls.

Right, that'll be...

...253 Αmerican dollars.

- This must be some mistake.
- How could that be?

Who the hell called Chicago?


Oh, now, Audrey.

- Your father didn't mean what he said.
- Yes, he did.

No, no. Not really, honey.
He has nothing against Jack.

He's not really gonna cut off his balls.

Are you, Clark?

- Clark.
- Okay, I won't.

Look, why don't we just relax
and enjoy the countryside?

Yeah, this country's eons old, kids.

That's centuries to you and me.

Charming, isn't it?

It looks like Massachusetts.

Well, that almost stands to reason.

The English settled Massachusetts.
The old Pilgrims.

Plymouth Rock.
That's where it all started.

And speaking of rocks:

See that? That's Stonehenge.
Fantastic, huh?

What the hell is this?

Nobody knows for sure.
Some think it's a calendar.

Others think it's an astronomers' tool.

Some people think this was built
by men from outer space.

Oh, Clark. The consensus is that
it's an ancient timepiece...

- ...built by the ancient Druids.
- Whatever, it's been here a long time.

- Since 2000 years before Christ.
- Yeah.

It's bound to be here 1000 more.

- Russ.
- Yeah.

Oh, there you are.
Stand over there for a sec, will you.

Act like you're setting your watch.

This must be
where they sacrificed virgins.

God, I miss Jack.

We've gotta go
if we wanna catch that plane.

You're right, honey.

Let's go, Russ.

Come on.

Take a last look, kids... one of man's most curious creations.

Built to stand the test of time
and the elements...

...war, you name it.

A thing of glory
for a million future generations to see.

And we were here.

Gay Paris.

The City of Lights.

This is the famous Left Bank, kids.

I bet you can't guess
what's on the other side.

The Bank of America.

Okay, everybody get closer
to the fountain.

Dad, we can't get any closer.

- We're gonna get all wet.
- Lt'll be a good shot.

- You'll remember it forever.
- The Griswalds in front of a fountain.

Major entertainment.

Russ, get in the middle.

Clark, why don't you let me take it?

You haven't been in any of them.

Okay, l got a good idea.

Clark Griswald, United States of America.

My family and l--
Could you take a picture of us?

Could you photograph us?

Photo, yes. Four of us.


Okay, Russ, get over here.

There you go. Now, you two.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.



- Cheese.
- Cheese.

Yeah, let's take our shoes off
and get in the water.

- Oh, hey.
- Yeah, okay. Lt's fun.



- Hey!
- Clark.

Clark, listen, there isn't anything
on that tape...

- ...that shouldn't be there?
- They took my camera.

Clark. There isn't anything on that tape...

...that shouldn't be there? Remember the:

That's gone, right? You erased it?

Yeah. L erased that, honey.

We'll check in
and come back for the cases.

Here we are, kids. Chez Griswald.

We have a reservation
for the honeymoon suite.

Mr. And Mrs. Garland.

Oh, Clark, look.
They must be honeymooners.

Either that or Siamese twins.

That's how Jack kisses.

Jack, Jack, Jack.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey, are you from America?
- Yeah.

- We're from Chicago.
- Chicago, wow. We're from Αkron.

Well, we're the Griswalds. L'm Clark...

...and this is my wife, Ellen.

Of course, my daughter is
Audrey, and Rusty.

You're in room 714. And please hurry.

- See you.
- Yeah.

I guess it's true. Paris really is for lovers.

May I help you?

We're the Clark W. Griswalds.

We have a reservation for two chambres.

We're the grand prize
Pig in a Poke winners. Oink, oink.

- Oink, oink.
- Can l see your passports?

Yeah, oh, of course.

I guess I sign this, then.

I just sign Griswald, right? First....

No, wait. L gotta put Clark.

I put-- l put Clark.

We don't really speak French.


This is our first....


Honey, what do you think?
Tell the truth.

I guess I'll go get the kids.

Oh, good idea. We'll get a move on.

- Where's Dad?
- L'm right here.

Just looking for the Bible. There it is.

Everybody ready?
We got a schedule to keep.

Well, l vote we don't see
any more museums today.

And l vote we don't
get anything else to eat.

What's this? Do l detect
a note of dissension here?

Yeah, Dad. Paris sucks.

Everybody's so rude.

Come on, kids. We're the visitors here.

This isn't Wally World, it's a country.

Come on, we're the ambassadors
of Αmerica here.

If we wanna be accepted, we gotta
try to fit in, speak the language...

...wear French clothes.
That's why I got us all berets.

Here we are, Ellen.


Oh, come on, Dad.

This is really rank.

Come on now, Russ. Loosen up.

You don't wanna look
like a tourist, do you?

All the French wear these.
It's the national hat, fella.

Well, l'm not gonna wear it.

It looks stupid.
No girl will wanna talk to me.

Well, then l guess they'll all talk to me.

I vote for berets.

- L second the motion.
- Berets.

That's 3 to 1. You lose, fella.


Real sweet. Oh, there you are.

Now, listen, kids. France
is world famous for its cuisine... anything's gonna be great.
You order what you want.




Desire.... They....

Hamburger and frite.

Coca-cola for the les infants.

And, oh....

- Now, you want the soufflè?
- Soufflè, soufflè.

My femme would like the--

I'll have the voil, or the veal, voil.


Good choice.


Just a little brie, yeah.


Well, we'll get that later.

And that's about it.

Where would you find a waiter
like that in the U.S.?

Honey, speak the language...

...they're gonna be very nice. Just try.

Well, there she is, kids. The Eiffel Tower.

Nine hundred and twenty-one feet
of historic landmark.

That's more than an acre to you and me.

Did you know that at one time...

...this was the world's largest
free-standing structure?

- Let's go up to the top.
- Yeah, come on, let's go.

Oh, God. Lt's magnificent.

It's breathtaking, isn't it?


...l'm glad we decided to be pigs.

- Thank your father, kids.
- Thanks, Dad.


It's so beautiful, I feel so....

I feel my juices are just--
You know, it makes me so....

I wanna write, I wanna paint, l wanna...

...sculpt something massive. L wanna....

I got a creative urge to....

I wonder if there's a men's room
around here, honey.

Look at those things, Mom.

Oh, let's go get our picture taken.

Oh, no. They're silly.

- Come on. I'll buy one for Jack.
- Okay.


Russ, what's wrong?

I feel like an idiot because of this
stupid hat you made me wear.


Come here a minute. L wanna talk to you.

A couple of things here. First of all,
you're never an idiot, okay?

You're a Griswald. You understand that?

- Yeah.
- All right. Second of all, Russ... know l'd never do
anything to injure you.

You know I'd never do anything
to hurt my opinion of myself, right?

- Yeah.
- So? If the beret bothers you... bothers me.
If it upsets you, it upsets me.


How did you and Audrey
enjoy shopping today, honey?

Wait till you see what I got.

I got this because the saleslady
said it's a one-of-a-kind.

And l'll never find anything else like it
and l know it's really silly but....

But l only got it for you.

Oh, honey, l don't think...

...l'd want the kids to see me
in something like this.


It's our first night in Paris.
Let's do something romantic.

We are, honey.
I'm taking you out to dinner.


I felt like staying in.

I thought it would be really
nice to be alone.


I could never go anywhere without you.

Come on. Cheer up.

I promised you a night on the town.

We'll go see some French culture.
You'll love it.




Stand with your feet
hip-distance apart...

...stomach pulled in, buttocks tight.

We're gonna start with head rolls.

To the right and back and left, forward...

...head right, back, left, forward.

Now, reverse and left...

...back, right, forward.

Now shoulder lifts, right, lift and left.

Isn't this great, honey?

They've been doing this
for eons in France.

This is real culture.

Exhale and raise them over your
head. Now reach with the right arm--

Clark, could l have
the coat check, please?

I think I've had enough
French culture for one evening.

Yeah, sure, honey.

- Look.
- L am looking.

Look, back there.

But it's just a hooker.
They're all over the place.

Look who she's with.


No problem.

Russell Griswald.

My good man.

- How'd you get in there?
- L paid and got in.

- Where'd you get the money?
- L'm surprised at you.

- L'm surprised at you, Dad.
- Don't talk back.

And who was that cheap slut?

- Don't call Cherie a slut.
- I'm disappointed in you.

Who says, "When in Rome,
do as the Romans do"?

L said Rome, not Paris.
This is Paris and you're drunk.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

- I don't care!
- Let me have it for a while.

- No. Today's my turn.
- Give them to me.

- Give them to me.
- L told you no.

- Give them to me.
- No, forget it. You always take them.

Oh, God. Look what you did to them.

I said, give them to me. They're mine.

How many times do l have
to tell you they're mine?

- Okay.
- Come on, let's go.

Clark, Clark.

Clark. Will you please slow down?
The kids are exhausted.

It closes in 15 minutes. There are
100,000 works of art to see.

Come on.

Great. Are you happy, Dad? She's dead.

Come on.

Well, l must say,
I'm really proud of you guys.

We've seen about everything in Paris...

...and we're right back on schedule.

Can't we slow down
a little bit, Clark? L'm exhausted.

Well, we'll have a nice, relaxing time
with my relatives in Germany.

- Hi.
- You two enjoying Paris?

- Great.
- Oh, yeah.

Seen the Louvre yet?

- No.
- Not yet.

- The Left Bank is charming.
- Oh, yeah?

We plan to go there.

Been up to the Eiffel Tower?

Nope. But it's on our list.

- Well, have a good time.
- We will.

What a waste.

We've seen 10 times
as much as they have.

Sweetie, you hungry?
You want some breakfast?

I'm not hungry.

He's got his hands
on her tits right at the table.

Stop staring, Rusty.

European standards of public behavior
are very different than an American's.

Yeah, Dad. But they're from Αkron.

I've missed the shit out of you.

Luckily, Debbie's been coming by
to cheer me up.

- That bitch.
- Something the matter, Audrey?


L think it's time
we asked ourselves this question:

"ls this relationship strong enough
to consider seeing other people?"

I think it is.

Could you pass the croissants, please?

And the butter and the jelly.

It's nice to see your appetite back.

Yeah, well, who
have I got to be thin for, huh?

Dad, I think he's gonna pork her.

He's not gonna pork her, Rusty.
Just eat, okay?

I think he is, Dad.

He may pork her, Russ. Just eat, okay?

Well, there it is, kids.

My motherland.

Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.

Shut up, Russ.

I can't wait to meet
our relatives in person.

Okay. Dipplestrabe.

Here we are now.
What are we looking for?

- Sechs, Daddy.
- That'll do, Audrey.

Dad, that's German for six.

That's not true. Is that true, honey?

My family and l are looking for sechs.

Hey, Dad, there's number six.


Fritz, Clark Griswald. How are you?
Good to see you.

Remember Ellen from her letters?
There she is, the real thing.

- And Rusty and Αudrey--
- Audrey, Audrey. Hi.

They've gotten bigger since the pictures.

Sorry, we're late.

Thanks so much for the invitation.
Helga. Helga.

Honey, this must be
the German dining room, huh?

- Lsn't it nice?
- Oh, Clark.

It's just as l imagined.

- Lt's so quaint.
- Yeah. Maximum quaintness.

You must be Helga. We made it.

You know Ellen, my wife,
and Rusty and Αudrey?

- Hi.
- Helga.

We're here.

Let me give you a hand in the kitchen.
Come on, kids.

Kids, go help in the kitchen.
Help Helga out.

So, Fritz.

How you been? Long time never seen.

Oh, God, look at this.

And here's your cousin Al.

He's a hotshot lawyer now.
They'll probably get him on tax evasion.

Oh, yeah, and here's the baby.

You don't believe that story about
the baby being premature, do you?


I didn't think so.

I mean, when me and Jack got together...

...we had both been,
like, seeing other people.

This is different...

...because Debbie's my best friend
and all. Don't you think?

Oh, God. Lt's so good
to have somebody to talk to.

My parents mean well,
but I try and tell them stuff...

...and they don't know
what I'm talking about.

What are you talking about, hon?

You see?

God, I miss Jack.

You know, I was just thinking, honey.

Blood really is thicker than water.

It's amazing to me how family ties
break through the language barrier.

Oh, Sparky. This has been
my favorite part of the trip.

Hey, Dad, look. Bedpans.

You've really been so sweet.
Now, here's our address.

And when you come to Chicago,
you come and stay with us.

Okay, auf Wiedersehen.

Helga, thank you
for the marvelous conversation.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye, auf Wiedersehen.

We'll write.


- Bye.
- See you later.


A festival.

Looks like fun.

Come on, kids.

- What's your name?
- Claudia. And yours?

- L'm Rusty.
- Hello.

So do you ever get to leave here?

- Thank you.
- Oh, Sparky.

What's so funny? This is great, isn't it?

- Come on.
- Oh, Dad, I love these.

Who wants bratwurst,
mustard and relish?

Holy shit.

Hey, you. Come.

Come on. Very good.

We need one more.
One more. Big, strong man. Yeah.

- Come on, Dad. You'd be great.
- Hey, you. You come.

- Do it, please?
- Don't be afraid.

- All right. Okay, okay.
- Good, very good.


Hey, take care.

- L don't know. L don't know.
- You come.

- L don't know if l can do that.
- Just follow the others.

All right, Daddy.

Isn't he great?

Are you okay?

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

- Those bells haven't rung in years.
- What does they mean?

They're going to hang somebody.



Hurry up.

- Go. Go. Don't stop.
- Go, Daddy. Go.

Go, Dad. Come on.

- Look out.
- Don't stop.

Oh, shit.

- It's too narrow.
- We'll make it. Plenty of room.

I know this car, honey.

Right. Everybody out.
There goes the paint job.

- Hurry up. Give me the bags.
- Help.

- Come on, honey.
- L'm coming.

Oh, God.

Snap it up. Hurry up.

Why the sour puss, Russ?

You know, you totally ruined what
could have been the best day of my life.

What are you complaining about?

I lost my boyfriend,
thanks to this vacation.

I vote we don't talk about Jack anymore.

- L second it.
- L vote for that.

Oh, yeah? Well, I vote we don't talk
about schedules anymore.

- Me too.
- L'm for that.

I vote we don't talk at all. How's that?

Not until we get to Rome
and everybody calms down a bit.

Maybe then we'll be acting
like mature human beings.



- Let's go.
- Clark. Clark.

I vote we talk. What are we doing?

We're talking.
We're getting off the train...

...go to a traveler's check place,
get our money back...

...we'll rent a new car
and buy some new clothes...

...and finish up
the best vacation of our lives.

Okay? Αnd it's gonna be fun.
Now, let's go.

I think Dad's lost all sense of reality.

Come on, come on.
Let's get out of here.

Hey, what are we gonna do about him?

- Kill him.
- Don't be stupid. We never kill anyone.

Then what do we do?


I've got a better idea.

Maybe we can hold him for ransom.

He must be worth something to someone.

Oh, Clark, I think this
is something historical.

Yeah, it looks real old, Dad.

That's great.
We'll see all this later. Come on.

Only four more miles.
Let's go, come on. Hustle.

What we need now is a dupe.
Someone above suspicion...

...who will believe anything you tell him.

A real idiot.

Hello? Anybody here?

But, Clark, we don't have any proof
that we lost those traveler's checks.

We left all the stubs in the suitcase.

- Can l help you?
- Yeah. I'm Clark W. Griswald.

We're the grand prize
Pig in a Poke winners.

We're in a bit of a bind.
We've lost all our luggage...

...a videotape camera, a rented car,
and we've lost about $1000 in cash.

I'm just here to get my money back.

Oh, yes. I certainly hate
to see our customers inconvenienced.


- Okay, name?
- Clark W. Griswald.

- And?
- Ellen Griswald.

Ellen Griswald.

And these are our children,
Rusty and Audrey.

Russ. Aud. Come on over here.
Show yourselves.

Oh, um....

Yes. Here we are.

No, excuse me. We lost only $1000.
This is $3000.

That's to make up for your trouble.

Hey, I lost about $200.

Stay quiet. We'll get you out later.

Unfortunately, we somehow
misplaced the key to the trunk.

But if you tell me where you're staying...

...l'll get the new key to your hotel.

Oh, honey, which hotel
are we staying in?

- The Nazionale.
- Oh, very nice.

This is great. L didn't even know
you guys rented cars.

I'll see you then. Madame.


Well, what do you say
we see some Roman ruins?

Oh, Clark. We've been
in these clothes for ages.

- Why don't we go shopping.
- Yeah, I vote for shopping.

Yeah, Dad. L feel totally scuzzed out.

Okay, l'm a sport.

We'd all look good
in some Italian fashions.

Got plenty of money.


- Hey, you look cool.
- L feel cool.

- Mom.
- Hey, Mom, looking good.

Okay, let's go. Αre we ready
to conquer Rome? What do you say?

Okay, l'll be right out
and we'll hit the fountains.

I'm terribly sorry.

Are you all right? I'm sorry.

- No problem. No problem at all.
- Hey, it's you. The guy from London.

You're the American l ran into.


So, what are you doing in Rome?

On sick leave. You know,
a little holiday, recovering.

You still on holiday with the kids?

Oh, yeah, we're here.
We've just been out shopping and....

Nice choice.

Yeah, they're right--
Hey, kids. Look who it is. Say hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, my God,
you've got a cast on your leg.

Oh, this? Oh, think nothing of it.

Hardly matters at all.
It's just a big sock, really.

Well, that's pretty nice of you.
I feel pretty bad about that.

- L can give you a hand in here.
- No, no. No, thanks.

- Aren't you going to your hotel here?
- No. My hotel's over there.

- Goodbye. Have a nice holiday.
- Bye-bye now. Cheerio.

Okay, this is the Piazza Navona.


This is one of the most
fabulous squares in Rome.

- What's the matter, Audrey?
- L wanna go home. L miss Jack.

We'll be going home soon.
Just a few more fountains to see.

- And then the Colosseum.
- L don't wanna see it.

I wanna see Jack.

- Jack will always be there.
- The Colosseum will always be there.

The Colosseum's been there
for 2000 years.

But if I don't go home soon,
Jack will fall in love with Debbie.

And l'll just die.

Oh, Audrey, don't you wanna see
the Colosseum before you die?

- L hate you.
- Audrey.

Dad, I'll meet you guys later at the hotel.

What about the fountains?
Where you going?

I don't know. L'm fountained out.

- Clark, why don't you just let him go?
- Now just a minute.

We leave day after tomorrow.

We have a few moments
together as a family.

- Can we do that?
- Oh, God, Dad.

We've been together every second
for the last two weeks.

And by the way, I've been good.

I haven't complained, or tried to escape.

So why can't you just treat me
like a man for once?

Because you're not a man.

I am too. L'm 15 years old,
a world traveler.

I've got a part-time job.

I need my independence.

Wait a minute. Lf he's going, l'm going.

Now, just a minute, Clark. Why don't
we give the kids some free time?

Okay, sure. Let them go. They're just
a couple of ingrates, that's all.

They're not ingrates. They're teenagers.

- How about my allowance?
- Can I have my passport?

Just a minute, Αudrey. Rusty, Clark.

Let's all settle down
and try to be reasonable.

I'm sure if we think about it, we can
all make some kind of compromise.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, boy. Take it easy, honey.
- L don't believe this.

This is the most humiliating thing
you've done to me.

- This is the last straw, Clark.
- Don't get mad.

- Lt's not my fault they stole the camera.
- You promised you'd erase it.

I did. L was.
I was gonna erase it. The guy--

- He stole the camera, I--
- This is the lowest, the worst, Clark.

Ellen, where are you going?

We have to be at the Colosseum at 2 p.m.

I'm going back to the hotel.

- We didn't vote on that, did we, hon?
- Oh, forget your vote.

I'm seceding from the union,
I'm forming my own government...

...and l'm declaring war on you.

She'll be back.
She knows l didn't mean to do it.

I don't blame her, Dad.

Yeah, it's not even a good likeness, is it?

Well, l guess it's just
you and me, Αudrey.



...that's bellissimo.

Really choice?

And l think that you
are really bellissimo also.

You're not too shabby yourself.

- You speak English?
- Sure. L'm from California.

All right. L'm from Chicago.


Do you wanna scarf
some Grimace proportions?


So, what are you doing in Rome?

Traveling through Europe with my folks.

- Me too. We won a--
- Pig in a Poke.

I know, I saw the show.

- You saw the show?
- Sure.

You answered
the Thomas Edison question.

- You won your dad car wax.
- You remember?

Yeah, l thought you were cute.

You thought I was cute.

- Finally, there's one of them.
- And she's alone.

Now, let's get that guy out of the trunk.

Too many people here.
We'll move the car first.

I'll get the keys from her.


...Ellen Griswald.

I hate to see
a beautiful woman drink bad wine.

Oh, well, then, l think you should leave...

...because I'm gonna get plastered.

What is it?

Is it your husband?

- That pig?
- Oh, he's not a pig.

He is a pig. He is.

Thank you.

Hello, operator? L'd like
the number for information, please.

No, I wanna call the airport.

No, Pan Am.

Pan-o Am-o?

Thank you very much. Have a nice day.

I'm sorry.

And then I rolled over onto the floor
and l started going:

And l was completely naked.

Well, not completely naked,
I had on a towel.

But he promised me he'd erase that.
He promised me he'd erase it.

I'm a ruined woman.

I thought this was gonna be... some kind of second honeymoon.

What we should've done
is left the children...

...with Helga and Fritz.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I should
really go to my room now.

I'm going to throw up.

- Let me help you. Come on.
- Oh, no, no. I'll be fine.

I think you'll feel better if you lie down.

I've developed this whole philosophy
about dealing with my parents.

It's like, if I'm in school
or hanging out or something...

...there's all this pressure, you know?
To act cool or do the right thing.

But if I'm with my parents,
who really cares?

They don't know
what's cool and what's not.

So you can just put
everything on hold, right?

You got a great way of looking at stuff.

- Thanks.
- You know, l'm having a great time.

- Me too.
- God, imagine...

...coming to Rome to meet
someone from California.


Oh, whatever happened to us?

We were high-school sweethearts.

We never even did it
until we got married.

Well, at least
until we decided to get married.

And l left him all alone in that--
That-- That piazza.

I said the F word in front of my children.

What kind of a woman am l?

- Exciting.
- What?

Don't fight it, Ellen.

What are you--? What are you doing?

- Let me take you away from all of this.
- L don't wanna be away.

I want my Sparky back.

It was just a little argument.
He'll probably be here any minute.

And he's very jealous.

I'm calling the manager.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.


Are you taking any calls?

- Hello?
- The police are here.

Stay away from the Fiat.
I'm getting out of here.

I'll be right down.

Hello, Debbie? Αudrey.

We got a score to settle,
and you know what l mean.

If you wanna salvage
the last shred of friendship...

...that exists between us,
you'll do me a favor.

Yeah, l want you to book me
on a Pan Am flight...

...out of Rome into Chicago today.

Yeah, l'll hold.


- Mom?
- Take the car keys.

- Mom.
- Find your father.

Come on, come on.

Don't move.

Mom? Mom.

Mom, where are you going?


- Hi, hon. What's the matter?
- Dad, l think Mom's been kidnapped.

- Where's the car?
- Over there. Here's the keys.

- Get out.
- Stay there. Sparky.

There they are.

Hey, Dad, there's the Colosseum.

Well, God, I've been talking so much.
What about you?

What are your parents like?

Well, there's really not that much to say.

They're just, like, normal parents.

My dad's all right.
He's a little slow sometimes.

God, that's Dad.

- Get in.
- What happened?

Oh, not much. Mom's been kidnapped.

Darn it all.

Excuse me. There's a man in the trunk.


Clark. Clark.


I'm coming, honey.

Clark. Clark.

Take my hand.

Clark, where are you going?

Get back here.


Where are--?

You-- You bastard.

Come here.

Come here. What the--?

- Hello.
- Oh, hello.

- Still on holiday, are you?
- Yeah, jeez, l'm sorry.

- L'm looking for somebody else.
- No problem, l'm used to it. Good luck.

Look out. L'll get him.

He kidnapped my wife.

- You all right?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, Clark.

I love you, Sparky. You're my hero.

I know.

Your parents are actually pretty cool.

Yeah, they're good
for a few laughs sometimes.

Now can we go home?

Clark, Clark. Look.

Hey, kids.

Look, the Statue of Liberty.

- Great.
- L never thought l'd be so glad...

- see the Statue of Liberty.
- Me either.

Boy, the great thing about traveling... you really learn
to appreciate coming home.

I gotta go.

I never realized
how much I've missed Αmerica.

Bet Αmerica's missed
the Griswalds too, honey.

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
Let me get up-- My jacket is caught here.

Yep, the Griswalds are back.