Nate & Margaret (2012) - full transcript

[violins strings]

[glass breaking]

[glass breaking]

[glass breaking]

[ CASH REGISTER BEEPING,

CLICKING ]

♪ LATELY I'VE BEEN WALKING

PAST THIS HOUSE THEY LIVE ♪

♪ TALKING TO MYSELF ABOUT EACH

LIFE I'VE MET ♪

♪ LATELY I COULD TRY THE LIST OF



ALL MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ LATELY I'VE BEEN WALKING PAST

THIS HOUSE THEY LIVE ♪

NATE, CHECK OUT WHAT I FOUND.

OH, MY GOD!

[ LAUGHS ]

LET ME SEE IT.

OOH, CAREFUL.

TWO BUCKS.

[ LAUGHS ]

WE ARE GETTING THIS.

LET ME SEE. I'LL BE CAREFUL.

MEERKATS TO WATCH OVER US.

[ LAUGHS ]



THESE ARE GREAT.

WE ARE SO GETTING THIS.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

♪ FINISH MY SONG

FIND ANYTHING GOOD?

YOU ALREADY HAVE THAT ONE.

THIS ONE?

YEAH.

IN YOUR CABINET.

BUT IT'S GOT A CHIP IN IT,

SEE?

IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

GEE, HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED

THAT?

♪ LATELY I'VE BEEN WALKING

SO, I'M DEALING WITH THIS

THING WITH MUGS -- YOU KNOW,

COFFEE MUGS?

ANY HOARDERS IN THE AUDIENCE?

AND WHEN I SAY "I'M DEALING

WITH," I MEAN MY THERAPIST HAS A

PROBLEM WITH IT.

PERSONALLY, I'M FINE WITH IT.

I DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, ANYWAY.

HE DRINKS TEA.

OKAY. THAT'S MY SET.

I'LL BE COMING BY TO TAKE YOUR

ORDER.

AND REMEMBER -- EVERY DAY,

TWO-FOR-ONE SANDWICHES FROM 6:00

TO 7:00.

YOU WENT OVER.

OH, SORRY. FELT THE FLOW.

WENT WITH IT.

TABLE FIVE'S BEEN WAITING 15

MINUTES FOR "IT" TO FINISH.

I THINK I'M GONNA QUIT

STANDUP.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE FUNNY.

WELL, THEN WHY AREN'T YOU

LAUGHING?

YOU JUST NEED TO BE MORE

HONEST.

YOU'RE HOLDING BACK.

LIKE, "NOBODY EVER LIKED

DATING ME BECAUSE MY FIRST KISS

WAS MY DAD"?

[ LAUGHS ]

SORRY.

I SHOULDN'T LAUGH AT THAT.

YOU SHOULD TOTALLY TELL THOSE

KINDS OF JOKES.

PEOPLE LOVE TO BE SHOCKED.

YOU'RE CRAZY.

WHY NOT?

PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO HEAR

JOKES ABOUT SPOUSAL ABUSE.

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE NOT THE

SPOUSE.

YOU'RE THE KID.

SO IT'S OKAY.

I THINK IT'S FUNNY WHEN YOU TALK

ABOUT HOW YOUR PARENTS FOUGHT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

IT MAKES ME LAUGH.

I'M JUST SAYING IF YOU CAN'T

LAUGH AT YOURSELF, MAYBE THAT'S

THE PROBLEM.

WELL, I HONESTLY DON'T THINK

ANYBODY WOULD LAUGH.

DO THAT ONE ABOUT THE BLACK

EYE AGAIN.

THE WAY I KNEW HOW I LAST

CONNECTED WITH MY DAD WAS HOW

FRESH MY BLACK EYE WAS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY. IT'S SAD.

SAD IS THE OPPOSITE OF FUNNY.

NO WAY!

STANDUP COMEDY IS FULL OF PEOPLE

TALKING ABOUT THEIR PAINFUL

PASTS.

I MEAN, LOOK AT RICHARD PRYOR,

SAM KINISON, LENNY BRUCE?

YEAH.

EVEN SEINFELD MAYBE A LITTLE.

NOT SEINFELD.

YEAH, MAYBE NOT SEINFELD.

OKAY, SO, HOW ABOUT, I WAS

WATCHING "THE HONEYMOONERS" THE

OTHER DAY.

YOU KNOW THAT EPISODE WHERE

JACKIE GLEASON SAYS HE'S GONNA

PUNCH HIS WIFE IN THE KISSER?

PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY THAT SHOW IS

TOO SUPPORTIVE OF DOMESTIC

VIOLENCE.

BUT IF JACKIE GLEASON'S

CHARACTER WERE MY DAD, I'D SAY

HE'S BEING NICE, 'CAUSE AT LEAST

HE GAVE HIS WIFE SOME WARNING.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I MEAN, IT'S A START.

NATE.

TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

DOES THAT THING EVEN RECORD

SOUND?

FUCK YOU, NATE.

MARGARET, TELL ME HAPPY

BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARLA.

Let's go.

OH, SHIT. I FORGOT MY BAG.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

GOING ALREADY?

YEAH.

UH, I DON'T KNOW IF WE EVER MET.

I'M NATE --

WHOA.

READY?

YEAH.

YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

YOU SURE?

YEAH.

[ HORN HONKS ]

THANK YOU.

HI.

MY NAME'S MARGARET VAN DUNDY.

THAT'S TWO WORDS.

VAN. DUNDY.

SHOULD I JUST START?

SO, I, UH, SAW THESE GUYS MOVING

THE OTHER DAY, AND I THOUGHT

ABOUT U-HAUL.

YOU KNOW, THAT U-HAUL IS KIND OF

WEIRD, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW HOW YOU AND A FRIEND

RENT A VAN AND THEN THEY ASK YOU

IF YOU WANT INSURANCE.

THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU, RIGHT?

I MEAN, THEY CHARGE YOU LIKE $20

A DAY FOR A VAN, BUT AFTER

INSURANCE AND TAXES AND THE

OTHER EXTRAS, IT ENDS UP BEING

LIKE $700.

TALK ABOUT A HAUL.

THEY SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME FROM

"U-HAUL" TO "U-RAPE."

WELL, I -- I NEVER GET THE

INSURANCE, SO --

ALL RIGHT.

I THINK I'LL CUT YOU OFF RIGHT

THERE.

THANK YOU.

SORRY?

WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, SWEETIE.

BUT I'M NOT DONE.

THAT'S NOT MY WHOLE SET.

I UNDERSTAND.

WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

I THOUGHT I GOT TWO MINUTES.

WE'VE SEEN ALL WE NEED TO SEE

TODAY.

YEAH, GRANDMA'S DONE.

GO RIGHT OUT THIS WAY.

HONEST REACTION TIME.

HOW'D IT GO?

COME ON, NATE. DON'T TAPE ME.

HOW'D IT GO?

FINE.

ARE THEY COMING TO YOUR GIG

TOMORROW NIGHT?

NATE, CAN YOU PUT THE CAMERA

DOWN FOR A SEC?

OKAY.

IT'S JUST I DON'T LIKE A

CAMERA IN MY FACE AS SOON AS I

COME OUTSIDE.

IT'S KIND OF RUDE, DON'T YOU

THINK?

SORRY.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

WELL, DID YOU DO YOUR

"U-RAPE" JOKE?

I LIKE THE WAY THEY PEPPER THEIR

CHICKEN HERE, YOU KNOW?

NOT EVERY PLACE DOES THAT.

MM-HMM.

IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

WISH I HAD MORE CARROTS.

YEAH.

I LIKE IT THAT THEY GIVE YOU

FORKS HERE.

YOU DON'T MISS THE

CHOPSTICKS?

NOPE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU STILL GONNA BE MY BOOM-MIKE

OPERATOR TOMORROW?

OH, YEAH.

DEFINITELY.

WHERE ARE WE DOING THAT?

YOUR PLACE?

YEAH.

I WONDER IF I COULD DO THAT

FOR A LIVING.

YOU KNOW, HOLD THE MIKES LIKE

THEY DO FOR MOVIES.

MAYBE THAT COULD BE MY NEW

CAREER.

OH, YOU ALREADY HAVE A

CAREER -- STANDUP.

NO.

NO.

WELL, NOT YET, BUT SOME DAY.

RIGHT.

YOU WANT MY EGGROLL?

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, BASICALLY, THE SAME THING

THAT WE JUST DID.

YOU GUYS ARE JUST HAVING

BREAKFAST AND YOU'RE HAVING THIS

CONVER-- YOU BRING THIS UP.

RIGHT.

DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY

QUESTIONS OR ANYTHING?

WELL, YEAH.

UM, SO, DOES MY CHARACTER -- DO

I JUST NEED HER ALONG FOR MORAL

SUPPORT OR, I MEAN, COULD SHE GO

ALONE, DO YOU THINK?

BECAUSE MY CHARACTER DOESN'T

REALLY WANT TO GO WITH HER,

RIGHT?

RIGHT.

UM, I THINK YOU'RE JUST TRYING

TO HELP HER.

OKAY.

OKAY.

GOT IT.

OKAY.

OKAY.

OKAY.

LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

AND, YOU KNOW, FEEL FREE TO PLAY

AROUND OR WHATEVER.

WE CAN IMPROVISE A LITTLE BIT IF

YOU WANT TO.

OKAY.

LET'S START FROM WHEN YOU

COME IN, EMMI.

OKAY.

SOUND.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

UM...

ROLLING? OKAY.

AND ACTION.

GOOD MORNING.

WELL, GOOD MORNING.

HOW WAS YOUR RUN?

GOOD. GOOD.

GOOD.

THANKS FOR MAKING BREAKFAST.

NO PROBLEM.

SO, LISTEN TO THIS.

YOU KNOW THE GUY THAT I'VE KIND

OF BEEN TALKING TO ONLINE?

MM-HMM.

WELL, UH, HE WAS LOOKING AT

MY PROFILE, AND THEN I GET A

MESSAGE, AND IT'S LIKE, "OOH.

I ALSO LIKE THE BEACH."

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ TRUCK APPROACHES, HONKS ]

AND HE WANTS TO MEET UP TODAY.

CUT. SORRY.

UH, HOLD FOR TRUCK.

[ TRUCK STOPS ]

THAT WAS GREAT, GUYS. SORRY.

HEY, NATE.

IT'S GOING GOOD SO FAR, EH?

[ CHUCKLES ]

THANKS.

THIS IS FOR YOUR CLASS,

RIGHT?

YEAH.

MY FINAL.

HEY, NATE.

LET ME RUN THIS JOKE BY YOU --

JUST FOR A MINUTE.

UH, SORRY, MARGARET, I --

IT'LL JUST TAKE A SECOND.

IT'S REALLY FUNNY.

UH, HEY, NATE?

CAN I RUN SOMETHING BY YOU REAL

QUICK?

YEAH, SURE, MARY. WHAT'S UP?

UM, DO YOU THINK THIS MIGHT

GO TO SUNDANCE?

'CAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO.

MAYBE.

WELL, IT'S JUST MY STUDENT

PROJECT.

RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IT COULD LEAD TO

OTHER THINGS.

I MEAN, AND, HEY, WE'RE WORKING

TOGETHER NOW.

YOU KNOW, I'LL KEEP YOU IN MY

FUTURE PROJECTS IF THIS ONE...

OKAY. THAT WILL BE COOL.

COOL.

BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS

ABOUT THIS SCENE?

HEY.

OH, HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH, WORKING.

OH, MY GOD.

ARE YOU JUST GETTING TO YOUR

ASSIGNMENT NOW?

YEAH. KIND OF BEHIND.

MORE THAN KIND OF.

YEAH.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE TOMLINSON

HAD US DO A FUCKING SHORT FOR

OUR FINAL.

YEAH.

GODDAMN SHORTS -- WHO EVEN

CARES ABOUT THEM ANYMORE, YOU

KNOW?

WELL, THE INTERNET IS FULL OF

THEM, SO...

YEAH, IF YOU COUNT TRASH FROM

PEOPLE'S WEBCAMS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I KIND OF LIKE THAT STUFF.

I WAS ACTUALLY WATCHING THIS

VIDEO THE OTHER DAY ABOUT THIS

GIRL FROM WISCONSIN NAMED

NORNNA.

[ Laughing ] AND SHE'S GOT THIS

OBSESSION WITH EEYORE, AND

SHE'S GOT THIS CAT --

THAT'S THE CAMERA YOU'RE

USING?

MM-HMM.

I'M USING 16 MIL.

I ONLY USE CELLULOID.

COOL.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?

THIS. DOING THIS.

AFTER THIS?

PROBABLY GO HOME.

HANG OUT WITH MARGARET, MAYBE.

YOU KNOW.

YOU SHOULD COME TO MY PARTY.

ANOTHER ONE?

EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT HOW

AWESOME IT IS.

WHAT, HAS IT ALREADY STARTED

OR SOMETHING?

NO, THEY JUST KNOW.

[ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S GONNA BE SICK-NASTY.

WHERE DO YOU LIVE AGAIN?

WEST TOWN.

WHERE'S THAT?

IT'S NEAR ASHLAND AND --

COOL.

SO, ARE YOU GONNA COME TO MY

PARTY?

SURE.

IS THAT A HARD YES?

BECAUSE MY FRIEND JAMES REALLY

WANTS TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

WHO?

THE BOY YOU WERE SUCKING FACE

WITH ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR

LAST WEEKEND.

AND I THINK YOU WOULD MAKE A

REALLY CUTE COUPLE.

♪ AND NOW I KEEP GROWING

YOUNGER ♪

[ Sighing ] OH, NATE.

IT'S NO FUN TO TALK ABOUT

YOURSELF, TO HAVE ALL THESE

PROBLEMS.

[ Deep voice ] OH, POOR ME.

[ Normal voice ] IT'S STUPID.

EVERYBODY'S GOT PROBLEMS.

NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT MY

PROBLEMS.

I THINK THAT EVERY FEMALE COMIC

IS FORCED TO TALK ABOUT HER

RELATIONSHIPS WITH THIS "BUT WE

LOVE THEM ANYWAY" KIND OF VIBE,

AND I JUST DON'T AGREE WITH

THAT.

THE LAST GUY I DATED, HE WAS A

SERIOUS JERK.

I WAS 30, GOING ON 14.

MARK SCHWARTZ.

[ Chuckling ] HE WAS MEAN.

HE WANTED ME TO BE HIS MOTHER.

HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP ALL

THE TIME.

SORT OF LIKE DAD.

WELL, HE WAS JUST LIKE DAD,

EXCEPT HE'D PUNCH ME WITH HIS

WORDS INSTEAD OF HIS FISTS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HE ALWAYS SAID I WASN'T PRETTY

ENOUGH.

PRETTY ENOUGH FOR WHAT? FOR HIM?

HE WAS THE UGLY ONE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALONE IN THE

END, ANYWAY, SO YOU MIGHT AS

WELL JUST GET GOOD AT IT.

[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

MAYBE THAT SHOULD BE MY NEW ACT.

"DON'T DATE.

IT SUCKS."

I TRY TO TALK ALL MY FRIENDS OUT

OF RELATIONSHIPS.

THE WAY I SEE IT, IF YOU WANT A

BLACK EYE OR YOUR FEELINGS HURT,

I COULD SAVE YOU THE SIX MONTHS

OF AGONY AND JUST PUNCH YOU IN

THE FACE RIGHT NOW.

[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

NATE, QUIT TEXTING.

WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO SOME

OF MY NEW STUFF HERE?

I'M ON TO SOMETHING.

I TRY TO TALK ALL MY FRIENDS OUT

OF RELATIONSHIPS.

I TELL THEM, "I CAN SAVE YOU THE

SIX MONTHS OF AGONY AND JUST

PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE RIGHT

NOW."

HAVE HIM KICK YOUR ASS.

THAT'S HOW YOU'LL KNOW IF IT'S

RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE UP THERE.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ SPLASH ]

OH!

[ CHEERS AND LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY.

HEY.

HAVE YOU SEEN NATE?

I DON'T THINK SO.

HOW DO YOU KNOW NATE AGAIN?

IS HE -- IS HE, LIKE, YOUR KID

OR...

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS.

I MEAN, HE TALKS ABOUT YOU

ALL THE TIME.

ARE YOU ROOMMATES?

WE LIVE IN THE SAME BUILDING.

SO WHY DOES HE LIKE YOU SO

MUCH?

THERE YOU ARE.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?

SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

JAMES IS DYING TO SEE YOU.

[ Singsong voice ] HE'S IN THE

OTHER ROOM!

UH, APPARENTLY, I HAVE TO GO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT CLOUD

LOOKS LIKE RIGHT THERE?

A PENIS.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ Laughing ] I DON'T KNOW.

I CAN'T REALLY SEE ANYTHING.

NEITHER CAN YOU.

YEAH, I'M JUST MAKING SHIT

UP.

[ LAUGHS ]

BUT SO ARE YOU.

CLOUDS -- CLOUDS DON'T LOOK LIKE

PENISES.

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW, DARLA SAID YOU WERE

PRETTY SHY, BUT I DON'T THINK

YOU'RE THAT SHY.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT DARLA.

OH, THANK GOD.

YOU'RE MUCH PRETTIER THAN

DARLA.

OH, YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO MAKE

A GIRL FEEL GOOD.

WELL, THAT'S JUST MY OPINION.

Crowd: GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

GO! GO! GO! GO!

[ CROWD CHEERS ]

WHOO!

BYE.

HEY.

I'LL MEET YOU OUTSIDE.

OKAY.

UH, JAMES, HEY.

I -- I FORGOT TO SAY GOODBYE.

YOU'RE LEAVING ALREADY?

MM-HMM. I --

YOU SHOULD STAY.

WE COULD...

TALK SOME MORE.

UH...

[ CHUCKLES ]

BYE.

ALL MY CLOTHES SMELL LIKE

SMOKE.

MINE, TOO.

I THINK I SHOULD FIND SOMEONE

I THINK I LIKE, HAVE HIM GIVE ME

A BLACK EYE, AND THEN I'LL KNOW

IF I'M READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT'S HOW MY

PARENTS' FIRST DATE WENT.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD.

I WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO BE IN

ONE.

GUESS THAT'S WHY I'M STILL

SINGLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I THINK I SHOULD TRY AND FIND

SOMEONE I LIKE AND HAVE HIM KICK

MY ASS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN IF I STILL LIKE HIM,

MAYBE THERE'S POTENTIAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S WHAT MY DAD DID, AND MY

MOM DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IN MY FAMILY, BRUISES WERE LIKE

KISSES.

A BLACK EYE NOT ONLY MEANT THAT

DAD LOVED ME, BUT HE LOVED ME

RECENTLY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

DAD HIT MOM, MOM HIT ME, AND I

KICKED THE CAT.

THE CAT'S OKAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE LOVED HER SO MUCH THAT

SOMETIMES HANDS ALONE COULD NOT

EXPRESS THE EXTENT OF HIS

AFFECTION.

ONE DAY, HE HIT HER IN THE FACE

WITH A COFFEE MUG -- A LITTLE

MUG-ON-MUG ACTION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT WAS AN EXCELLENT MUG, TOO.

IT SAID, "WORLD'S GREATEST DAD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAITED TILL THE MIDDLE OF THE

NIGHT, AND I SNUCK INTO THE

KITCHEN.

I TOOK ALL THE COFFEE MUGS, AND

I HID THEM UNDERNEATH THE BED.

THAT WAY, I FIGURED, DAD

WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO HIT US

WITH.

BUT I GUESS I FORGOT ABOUT THE

POTS AND PANS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AN ART GALLERY, HUH?

WE SHOULD GO THERE TOGETHER.

SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

HOW ABOUT TOMORROW?

TOMORROW?

YES. I WANT A COMMITMENT.

LET'S SET A DATE.

YOU WANT TO HANG OUT

TOMORROW?

NO, I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT

TOMORROW.

I WANT TO GO OUT -- LIKE ON A

DATE.

A DATE?

YES. WITH YOU.

WELL...

I GUESS I DON'T HAVE CLASS OR

ANYTHING, SO...

SO IS THAT A YES?

OKAY.

YES?

[ Laughing ] YES.

YOU'RE ADORABLE WHEN YOU

LAUGH.

ADORABLE, HUH?

ALL RIGHT.

YEP.

LIKE A PUPPY OR SOMETHING?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

[ LAUGHS ]

LIKE A CHILD.

WHAT?

ARE YOU HITTING ON ME OR

INSULTING ME?

I CAN'T TELL.

LIKE A LITTLE PUPPY WHO'S

LOST HIS WAY.

OH, OKAY.

SO YOU ARE CALLING ME A PUPPY.

NO.

I'M CALLING YOU ADORABLE.

BECAUSE YOU ARE.

WELL...

YOU'RE ADORABLE, TOO, SO...

HEY, I WANT TO SHOW YOU

SOMETHING.

COME ON.

SO, THAT, FOLKS, IS WHY I'M A

52-YEAR-OLD SPINSTER WITH A MUG

ADDICTION...

AND AN EXTENSIVE TAKEOUT MENU

ROLODEX.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANKS A LOT, DAD.

YES.

COME ON.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SHH. COME HERE.

WHERE ARE WE?

IT'S BEING RENOVATED.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, THIS IS CREEPY.

[ LAUGHS ]

I THINK IT'S AWESOME.

LOOK, YOU GET TO, LIKE, SEE THE

BONES OF THE APARTMENT.

THIS IS MY ROOM.

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, YOU SLEEP HERE?

YOU KNOW, WHEN WE FIRST MET,

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SCARED OF ME

OR SOMETHING.

WELL, I SORT OF WAS SCARED OF

YOU.

I MEAN, NO ONE'S EVER KISSED ME

LIKE THAT BEFORE, SAID GOODBYE

TO ME LIKE THAT BEFORE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED ME.

WHO SAID I LIKED YOU?

OH, SO YOU JUST CORNER EVERY

BOY YOU MEET IN A BEDROOM AND

KISS THEM GOODBYE.

NOT ANYMORE.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHERE I'M FROM, WE HAD A

GRADUATING CLASS OF 63.

I MEAN, THAT SHOULD TELL YOU

SOMETHING ABOUT HOW SMALL A TOWN

IT IS.

YEAH.

AND IF YOU WERE LIKE ME, YOU

COULDN'T EXACTLY BE OPEN.

YOU DON'T LIVE IN THAT SMALL

TOWN ANYMORE.

SO...

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?

I'M NOT AFRAID.

I JUST -- I'M NOT USED TO IT, I

GUESS.

OPEN UP MORE.

I -- I AM. I'M TRYING.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH YOUR

BREADSTICKS.

HEY, MARGARET.

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I'M GREG MADDOCK.

NICE SET.

THANKS.

THAT LINE ABOUT THE

MUG-ON-MUG THING REALLY --

REALLY KILLED ME.

YOU KNOW, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK

TO GET YOUR ORDER.

WHAT?

YOU WANT A MENU?

A MENU.

YEAH, YEAH.

AND THERE'S SOME SPECIALS UP

HERE ON THE WINDOW.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO GET --

NO, MARGARET.

I DIDN'T COME FOR THE COFFEE.

I CAME TO SEE YOU.

YOUR FRIEND JILLIAN WEINSTEIN

TOLD ME I SHOULD COME CHECK YOU

OUT.

JILL SENT YOU?

YEAH. I'M HER MANAGER.

SHE TOLD ME YOU HAD SOME GREAT

STUFF, AND I THOUGHT I'D COME

CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF.

AND NOT BAD.

I'M SO GLAD I DIDN'T KNOW YOU

WERE COMING.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, LISTEN.

CAN YOU DO SEVEN MINUTES FOR ME

AT MY FRIEND'S CLUB NEXT FRIDAY?

HE OWES ME A FAVOR, AND, WELL,

I'D LIKE TO SEE MORE OF YOU IN A

BIGGER VENUE.

GIVE ME A CALL.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

THAT LADY WHO WAS WITH YOU THE

OTHER NIGHT.

IS SHE, LIKE, YOUR MOM OR

SOMETHING?

[ Laughing ] NO.

THAT'S MARGARET.

SHE'S MY FRIEND.

SHE'S ACTUALLY MY BEST FRIEND.

WE LIVE IN THE SAME APARTMENT

BUILDING.

I THINK I MIGHT BE HER ONLY

FRIEND, SO SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE

WE'RE ATTACHED AT THE HIP.

[ CHUCKLES ]

IS SHE GONNA LET YOU BE FREE

FOR A DATE WITH ME?

OF COURSE.

IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN'T DO MY OWN

THING.

IT'S JUST...

SHE GETS LONELY SOMETIMES,

THAT'S ALL.

COME ON.

NATE.

HEY, NATE.

AND AFTER THAT NIGHT, I

DIDN'T EVEN CALL HIM BACK.

I TEXTED THAT BITCH AND SAID,

"WE ARE THROUGH.

YOU CAN FIND ALL YOUR SHIT IN

THE BACK ALLEY BEHIND MY HOUSE,

YOU SLUT."

[ Laughing ] OH, MY GOD.

YOU TEXTED ALL THAT?

BASICALLY, YEAH.

HOW LONG WERE YOU GUYS

TOGETHER?

THREE YEARS OF MY LIFE I GAVE

TO THAT MAN.

[ SCOFFS ]

WHEN WAS YOUR LAST BOYFRIEND?

IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

A WHILE?

OKAY, IF YOU HAD TO ASSIGN AN

AMOUNT OF TIME TO "A WHILE,"

WHAT AMOUNT OF TIME WOULD YOU

ASSIGN TO THAT?

A LONG TIME.

LIKE, OKAY.

LIKE, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

[ SIGHS ]

I -- I'VE -- I'VE NEVER HAD A

BOYFRIEND.

NEVER?

EVER?

IS THAT OKAY?

YEAH, NO, THAT'S -- COME ON.

[ BELT BUCKLE CLINKS ]

WHOA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SHH. WE HAVE TO BE QUIET.

JAMES.

SO I'M YOUR FIRST, HUH?

MY FIRST WHAT?

YOUR FIRST BOYFRIEND.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO.

JAMES. JAMES.

OH, MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

DO YOU LIKE THAT?

THIS IS WHAT BOYFRIENDS DO,

NATE.

WHAT?

JACK EACH OTHER OFF IN PUBLIC?

UH-HUH.

OH, MY GOD.

OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

AM I YOUR FIRST BOYFRIEND?

WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS

THAT WHEN YOU'VE GOT YOUR HAND

DOWN MY PANTS?

SO, AM I?

SURE.

SAY IT.

"SURE" OR "YES"?

YES. YES.

YEAH?

YES.

SAY IT.

SAY I'M YOUR FIRST BOYFRIEND.

YOU'RE MY -- YOU'RE MY F--

OH!

SAY IT!

OH, GOD!

[ GASPS ]

[ MUFFLED GASPS ]

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

OH, FUCK.

AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY

GOSH.

HE'S SO NICE.

I MIGHT LET HIM BANG ME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN HE PULLS OUT THIS

MONSTER AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"WHAT?!"

AND YOUR FIRST THOUGHT IS, "YOU

CAN BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT, ANYWAY, THAT BOTHERS ME.

SO, MOVING ON, I'M TRYING TO GET

HER READY.

WE'RE HAVING THIS HUGE FIGHT,

AND I KEEP TRYING TO PUT HER

HAIR UP IN A PONYTAIL.

AND FINALLY I SAY TO HER, YOU

KNOW, "EVERY TIME I'M ABOUT TO

FINISH, YOU MOVE AND I HAVE TO

START ALL OVER AGAIN.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND, YOU KNOW, SHE'S -- YEAH, I

DID.

SHE'S SIX, AND SO SHE DOESN'T

GET IT.

SHE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "YOU

PUT DAD'S HAIR IN A PONYTAIL?"

LIKE, WHAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR A

VERY FUNNY LADY MAKING HER DEBUT

ON THIS STAGE,

MARGARET VAN DUNDY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HI. HOW'S IT GOING?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

AND, NO, I'M NOT A GRANDMA.

BUT I DO WEAR GRANNY PANTIES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN, I'VE

NEVER BEEN MARRIED, BUT I HAVE

HAD RELATIONSHIPS.

SOME OF THE CLOSEST WITH MY E.R.

DOCTOR...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...RIGHT AFTER MY BOYFRIENDS RAN

OUT OF BEER AND GOT BORED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANYBODY HERE FROM DOWNSTATE

ILLINOIS?

WHOO-HOO!

IRISH CATHOLIC?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

WHAT WAS YOUR ENGAGEMENT GIFT?

A STAB VEST AND A GOOD PAIR OF

RUNNING SHOES?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SMOOCHING ]

YEAH, TONGUE HIM.

GOOD.

YOU'RE MAKING, LIKE, A FINAL

PROJECT THAT'S, LIKE, A PORN

VIDEO OR SOMETHING.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, MY GOD.

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND JUST

FUCKING KISS HIM LIKE YOU MEAN

IT.

YEAH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY, FOLKS.

THAT'S MY SET. THANKS.

GOOD NIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

GIVE IT UP FOR

MARGARET VAN DUNDY, KILLING IT

ON STAGE WITH HER GRANNY

PANTIES.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THE COW GOES "MOO."

THE PIG GOES "OINK, OINK."

THE YAK GOES...

UM...

THE -- [ SIGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

DRINK IT, FAG. DRINK IT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, PLEASE.

YOU JUST WISH...

YOU COULD FUCK ME.

OH, PLEASE, BITCH.

YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO

DO WITH THIS.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT

TO DO WITH THAT.

OH, MY GOD.

[ SIGHS ]

NATE.

DON'T YOU HAVE TO BE SOMEWHERE?

NO.

I JUST WANT TO BE HERE.

NO? NO?

I JUST WANT TO BE HERE.

I DECIDED.

MOMMY'S GONNA BE MAD AT YOU.

YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA GET A

SPANKING TOMORROW.

[ LAUGHS ]

THANK YOU.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, I LOVED YOUR STUFF.

THANKS.

NO.

I LOVED YOUR STUFF.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HEY, LET'S GO CHECK OUT THIS

NEXT ACT.

HE'S GREAT.

[ TRAIN RUMBLES ]

YOU DONE?

YEAH, FOR A SECOND.

ARE YOU HUNG OVER?

AS FUCK.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M WAITING FOR THE ADVIL TO

KICK IN.

NO.

I MEAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ABOUT WHAT?

WELL, YOU'VE BEEN KIND OF

WEIRD LATELY.

YOU STOOD ME UP THE OTHER DAY

FOR OUR NORMAL BRUNCH AT

BREAKFAST CLUB AND THEN YOU BLEW

ME OFF FOR MY BIG GIG AT THE BIG

CLUB AND I JUST --

YEAH, BUT DIDN'T YOU GET MY

TEXT?

YEAH, I GOT YOUR TEXT.

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SORRY

ABOUT?

DID I DO SOMETHING?

[ TRAIN APPROACHING ]

HOLD ON.

I MET SOMEONE.

YOU MET SOMEONE?

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

A BOY.

I MET A BOY.

YOU'RE DATING SOMEONE.

WHO?

HIS NAME IS JAMES.

WHERE'D YOU MEET HIM?

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AT

DARLA'S PARTY.

WERE YOU EVER GONNA TELL ME?

EVENTUALLY.

WELL, YOU USUALLY TELL ME

EVERYTHING.

YEAH, WELL, USUALLY I'M NOT

IN A RELATIONSHIP.

IT'S ALREADY A RELATIONSHIP.

I DIDN'T TELL YOU BECAUSE I

KNOW HOW DOWN ON DATING YOU ARE.

DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK.

YES, IT DOES.

AND YOU COULD SAY YOU'RE HAPPY

FOR ME.

I KNOW I COULD.

SEE, THIS IS WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT.

I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD

YOU.

NO, NO.

THIS IS GREAT.

I'M SERIOUS. IT'S GREAT.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU LIKE HIM?

OF COURSE.

YOU REALLY LIKE HIM?

YES.

A LOT.

THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME.

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, TOO.

WELL, BEST FRIENDS TELL EACH

OTHER THIS STUFF.

BESIDES, I ONLY DOG ON

RELATIONSHIPS IN MY ACT.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S NOT AN ACT.

IT'S HOW YOU HONESTLY FEEL.

WELL, YEAH, FINE, BUT THAT'S

JUST HOW I FEEL.

AND THAT'S HOW YOU'D FEEL

ABOUT ME AND JAMES.

NO, NO. I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

SO HE'S NICE?

WHAT'S HIS NAME AGAIN?

JAMES.

JAMES.

HE DEFINITELY DOESN'T BEAT UP ON

YOU, DOES HE?

NO, HE DOESN'T.

WELL, 'CAUSE IF HE DOES, YOU

SHOULD LEAVE HIM.

MARGARET, HE DOESN'T BEAT UP

ON ME.

YOU GO TO BED WITH HIM?

[ Laughing ] MARGARET!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

SO, HOW'D IT GO LAST NIGHT?

GOOD.

GREAT.

I'M SORRY I COULDN'T BE

THERE.

WELL, YOU WERE BUSY.

WITH JAMES.

YEAH.

AND, LIKE, MY OWN BODY WEIGHT IN

VODKA.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU COME TO

DINNER WITH JAMES?

HOW ABOUT TOMORROW NIGHT?

AT YOUR PLACE?

MARGARET, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO

THAT.

I KNOW. I WANT TO.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE US

BEING ALL COUPLE-Y.

AND...

DON'T YOU WANT HIM TO MEET

ME?

OF COURSE.

DID YOU TELL HIM ANYTHING

ABOUT ME?

YEAH.

ANYTHING BAD?

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHEN HE SAW US AT THE PARTY THE

OTHER NIGHT, HE THOUGHT YOU WERE

MY MOM.

[ LAUGHS ]

I DEFINE THAT AS BAD.

SHUT UP. HE'LL LOVE YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

THEN TOMORROW NIGHT, MY PLACE.

ARE YOU SURE?

AREN'T YOU GONNA TRY TO TALK ME

OUT OF THIS OR SOMETHING?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

THAT'S JUST MY ACT.

[ TRAIN APPROACHES ]

IF YOU'RE INTO JAMES, I'M GONNA

BE INTO JAMES, TOO.

[ TEAM ME'S "DEAR SISTER"

PLAYS ]

♪ IN MY HOUSE, IN MY HEART

♪ DEAR SISTER, SPEAK TO ME

♪ I THOUGHT YOU'D FOUND YOUR

PEACE SOMEHOW ♪

♪ GUESS YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH

THAT STATE OF MIND ♪

♪ GUESS YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH

THAT STATE OF MIND ♪

♪ IN MY BOOKS AND ON THE BUS

♪ DEAR SISTER, SPEAK TO ME

♪ I THOUGHT YOU'D FOUND YOUR

PEACE SOMEHOW ♪

♪ GUESS YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH

THAT STATE OF MIND ♪

♪ GUESS YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH

THAT STATE OF MIND ♪

♪ GUESS I'M WASTING MY TIME

AGAIN ♪

♪ GUESS I'M WASTING MY TIME

AGAIN ♪

♪ IT SEEMS I'M LOST WITH WHAT

I'VE FOUND ♪

♪ DEAR SISTER, SPEAK TO ME

♪ I THOUGHT I FOUND MY PEACE

SOMEHOW ♪

♪ GUESS I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT

STATE OF MIND ♪

♪ GUESS I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT

STATE OF MIND ♪

♪ I KEEP MY SECRETS TO MYSELF

♪ DEAR SISTER, SPEAK TO ME

♪ I THOUGHT YOU'D FOUND YOUR

PEACE SOMEHOW ♪

♪ GUESS I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT

STATE OF MIND ♪

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

♪ GUESS YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH

THAT STATE OF MIND ♪

HEY.

HI. WELCOME.

SO, MARGARET, THIS IS JAMES.

I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

HI.

HI. PLEASE, COME ON IN.

YOUR PLACE LOOKS NICE.

YOU CHANGED IT.

YEAH.

IT'S SO FUNNY THAT YOU LIVE

IN THE SAME BUILDING.

HAVE A SEAT.

HAVE A SEAT.

DO YOU WANT US TO HELP YOU

WITH THE FOOD OR ANYTHING?

OH, FUCK.

WE FORGOT TO BRING SOMETHING.

I'M SO SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD BE THIS

FANCY.

WELL, MEETING JAMES FOR THE

FIRST TIME?

BIG DEAL.

BUT IT'S OKAY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

NO, I SHOULD RUN OUT.

GET SOME WINE, BABY.

YEAH, I'M GONNA -- I'LL BE

RIGHT BACK.

I'M GONNA GET SOMETHING.

GET SOME RED WINE.

OKAY. YEAH.

I'VE GOT SOME STUFF IN MY

FRIDGE.

I'LL JUST RUN OVER TO MY PLACE.

NATE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET

ANYTHING.

NO, NO, NO. I SHOULD.

I SHOULD.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. TWO SECONDS.

RED WOULD BE NICE,

BECAUSE TONIGHT WE'RE HAVING

ITALIAN.

GREAT.

YEAH.

LOVE ITALIAN.

SO MUCH.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ KEYS JINGLE ]

I HAVE BOX WINE.

DINNER HAS ARRIVED.

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT.

THANKS.

IT'S MY FAVORITE.

I ONLY EAT AT LUIGI'S.

IT'S OUR FAVORITE.

CHICAGO STYLE IS OVERRATED.

MAKES ME FEEL GROSS.

IT'S SOMETHING IN THE SAUCE.

IT'S LIKE YOU CAN TASTE THE

DIRTY CHICAGO WATER.

PLUS, IT GIVES ME THE SMELLIEST

SHITS AFTERWARDS, TOO.

[ CELLPHONE CLICKING ]

MORE WINE?

MM-HMM.

[ CELLPHONE VIBRATES ]

SO, MARGARET, NATE TELLS ME

YOU WANT TO DO STANDUP.

NO.

I ACTUALLY DO IT.

NO. NO, SHE'S GOOD.

SHE'S REALLY FUNNY.

SHE DOES THIS JOKE ABOUT

PEDOPHILIA.

OH, I DON'T DO THE OLD STUFF

ANYMORE.

OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE JOKES ABOUT PEDOPHILIA.

AND, LIKE, RAPE AND STUFF.

[ CELLPHONE CLICKING ]

SO, HAVE YOU PERFORMED IN ANY

PLACES IN CHICAGO?

OH, YEAH.

I'VE DONE A NIGHT AT MOST EVERY

LEGITIMATE JOINT IN TOWN.

[ CELLPHONE VIBRATES ]

AND NOT-SO-LEGITIMATE JOINTS

LIKE THAT LAUNDROMAT UP ON

DAMON, WHERE THEY PAID ME IN

QUARTERS.

THAT NIGHT KILLED.

DIDN'T SOMEONE ACTUALLY DIE

THAT NIGHT?

YEAH, I THINK SO.

BUT THAT WASN'T BECAUSE OF MY

ACT.

OH, BADA-BOOM!

BADA-BING. CHING.

YOU KNOW, MARGARET WORKS AT A

COFFEE SHOP, AND SHE HAS

BASICALLY TURNED IT INTO THIS

PSEUDO-COMEDY CLUB.

WELL, YOU TELL JAMES ABOUT IT.

ONLY ON TUESDAYS.

YOU OWN A COFFEE SHOP?

[ CELLPHONE CLICKING ]

NO.

I WORK AT A COFFEE SHOP.

WELL, SHE PRACTICALLY OWNS

IT.

YEAH?

IT'S JUST MY DAY JOB FOR NOW.

THAT'S OKAY.

YOU SHOULD SHOW JAMES A VIDEO OF

YOUR ACT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH, COME ON.

NO.

I DON'T THINK HE WANTS TO SEE

THAT.

OH, SURE HE DOES.

I KNOW I DO.

FRANKLY, I MISS YOUR OLD STUFF.

JAMES, YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE

MY TAPES, DO YOU?

SURE. YEAH.

[ CELLPHONE CLICKING ]

YOU THINK I SHOULD SHOW HIM

MY FIRST PETE'S PIZZA I EVER

DID?

[ Laughing ] YES. YES.

THE TIME WHEN IT WAS JUST

YOU?

NO ONE DIED THAT NIGHT.

W--

I'LL GO FIND MY TAPE.

HEY.

HEY.

SHE LOVES YOU.

HEY, SO, MY FRIEND IS

DEEJAYING RIGHT NOW.

HE WANTS US TO GO.

OH, COOL.

BUT, LIKE, RIGHT NOW.

LIKE RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW?

YEAH, LIKE WE SHOULD GO.

COME ON.

WHAT? NO. NO WAY.

WE'RE HAVING DINNER WITH

MARGARET.

MARGARET WON'T MIND.

SHE LOVES ME.

TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING RIGHT

NOW.

YOU'RE SO HOT WHEN YOU'RE

FLUSTERED.

I'M NOT FLUSTERED.

I'M NOT FLUSTERED.

WELL, THEN, LET'S GO.

[ SIGHS ]

SHE'S COOL. I LIKE HER.

SHE'S, LIKE, YOUR BEST FRIEND.

I GET IT, BUT, LIKE, THIS GUY,

HE'S SUCH AN AMAZING DEEJAY.

I WANT YOU TO SEE HIM.

[ CLATTERING ]

YOU JUST WANT US TO, LIKE,

WALK OUT?

LIKE JUST LEAVE LIKE THAT?

YEAH, IT'LL BE FUNNY.

NO.

YOU ARE SUCH A BAD INFLUENCE,

YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL, THIS BAD INFLUENCE

RIGHT HERE IS GOING TO HAVE YOUR

DICK IN HIS MOUTH LATER TONIGHT

IF YOU COME WITH HIM, SO...

[ CLATTERING ]

COME ON. IT'LL BE FUNNY.

LET'S JUST BE QUIET.

YOU CAN TEXT HER AND SAY

YOU'RE SORRY FROM THE CAB.

HEY.

HEY.

FOUND THEM.

HEY.

UH...

WE WERE JUST --

WE HAVE TO GO.

YOU HAVE TO GO? WHY?

[ CELLPHONE VIBRATES ]

HIS FRIEND IS PLAYING DOWN

THE STREET LIVE, AND IF WE DON'T

GO RIGHT NOW, THEN WE'RE GONNA

MISS IT, AND, IT'S, UH, IT'S

REALLY IMPORTANT TO JAMES, SO...

IT'S, LIKE, AN UNEXPECTED

EMERGENCY.

OH.

WE WOULD NEVER DO THIS

OTHERWISE.

I SWEAR.

YOU HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW.

UM, WE CAN MAYBE STAY, LIKE,

FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES.

OH, NO. DON'T BE SILLY.

IT WAS SO GREAT MEETING YOU,

MARGARET.

YOU'RE SO SWEET.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH, YEAH.

YOU TWO GO DO YOUR THING.

YOU KNOW, WE WOULDN'T NEED TO

GO IF IT WASN'T REALLY

IMPORTANT.

OH, WE CAN WATCH MY DUMB

TAPES SOME OTHER TIME.

THEY'RE NOT DUMB.

WE TOTALLY SHOULD.

BYE, MARGARET.

LET'S GO, BIG BOY.

[ SMACK ]

I'M SORRY.

♪ I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

THIS ♪

♪ I SWEAR I'M NOT LIKE MY MOM

♪ I'M OPTIMISTI-I-I-C

♪ WITH EVERY SWALLOW, EVERY

HEARTBEAT ♪

YOU SENSE THE WATER IN YOUR

BODY ♪

♪ IT'S HARD TO MISS I-I-I-IT

♪ OHHH

♪ THE THINKING

♪ THE MEMORIES THAT FILE

♪ THE HISTORY YOU COMPILE

♪ YOU SAVE

♪ AND SAVE

♪ AND SAVE

♪ THE SYSTEM

♪ THE ZEROES AND THE ONES

♪ IS WHERE IT ALL COMES FROM

♪ IS WHERE

♪ IT ALL

♪ COMES FR-O-O-O-OM

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

LET'S JUST GO HOME.

WE HAVE TO STAY.

WHY?

SAM IS ABOUT TO GO ON.

HE'S THE NEXT DEEJAY.

I'M TIRED. LET'S JUST GO.

PLEASE?

NO, COME ON. WE HAVE TO STAY.

IT'S REALLY LOUD.

IT'S REALLY LOUD IN HERE.

OH, COME ON.

WE HAVE TO STAY.

WHY?

WHY?

OH, IT SUCKS HERE.

LET'S GO.

YOU'RE HOT.

JAMES, SERIOUSLY. STOP IT.

OKAY?

LET'S GO.

I NEED SAM TO SEE US.

WHY?

ARE YOU, LIKE, EMBARRASSED BY

ME OR SOMETHING?

NO, I -- I'LL MEET HIM LATER.

HE LEFT ME FOR THAT STUPID

TWINK OVER THERE.

COME ON.

LET'S SHOW HIM HOW HOT WE ARE

TOGETHER.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU OFF.

NO. JAMES, STOP IT.

I LIKE THAT.

NO.

HEY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING?

[ Sighing ] OH, MAN.

WE SHOULD HAVE JUST GONE HOME.

WHAT?

I THINK I LOST MY KEYS.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET MARGARET

TO LET ME IN.

THEY'LL TURN UP.

I'M GOING HOME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU SHOULD GET THE

BREAKFAST CLUB OMELETTE.

IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

SHOULD I GO WITH YOU?

NO, PLEASE JUST STAY HERE.

EAT SOME BREAKFAST.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M FINE.

THEN WHY DO YOU WANT TO

LEAVE?

I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE,

OKAY?

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

PLEASE JUST STOP.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

WHY DID YOU MAKE US LEAVE

MARGARET'S LAST NIGHT?

YOU'RE STILL MAD ABOUT THAT?

WAS IT JUST SO YOU COULD

PARADE ME AROUND TO YOUR STUPID

EX-BOYFRIEND?

WELL, I DIDN'T EXACTLY DRAG

YOU OUT OF THERE KICKING AND

SCREAMING.

PRACTICALLY.

WELL, YOU OUGHT TO SCREAM

LOUDER NEXT TIME.

THAT PLACE SUCKED, JAMES.

YOU HAD FUN.

I DID NOT HAVE FUN.

YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE

HAVING FUN.

I WAS DRUNK.

SO WERE YOU.

ISN'T THAT WHAT PEOPLE DO AT

CLUBS?

I'M GOING HOME.

SORRY MY FRIENDS AREN'T AS

IMPORTANT AS YOUR BORING

SENIOR-CITIZEN GIRLFRIEND.

SORRY WE DIDN'T, LIKE, STAY FOR

BINGO UNTIL HER 9:00 BEDTIME.

SHE'S MY FRIEND.

SHE'S NOT A SENIOR CITIZEN,

JAMES.

WELL, I'M YOUR BOYFRIEND.

YEAH, I THINK I KNOW THAT.

NOW SO DOES HAVE THE CITY OF

CHICAGO.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU OFF.

WHAT? LIKE YOUR TROPHY?

JESUS CHRIST.

[ SIGHS ]

WOULD YOU LOOSEN UP?

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.

GEE, THANKS.

YOU'VE GOT YOUR PANTIES IN A

BUNCH OVER SOME LITTLE THING,

AND YOU WON'T EVEN TALK TO ME

ABOUT IT.

WHATEVER, JAMES.

SO, YOU RETREAT HOME LIKE A

LITTLE BABY.

YOU CAN'T EVEN TALK.

FUCK YOU.

YOU'RE NOT PROUD.

YOU'RE ASHAMED.

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.

REMIND ME WHEN I ASKED FOR

YOUR HELP.

YOU NEED HELP.

YOU NEED HELP.

YOU WON'T EVEN HOLD MY HAND

UNLESS WE'RE DRUNK TOGETHER IN

BOYSTOWN.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

MAYBE I SHOULD GET YOU A BEER

SO WE CAN FINISH THIS

CONVERSATION.

OKAY, I DON'T WEAR IT ON MY

SLEEVE.

CLEARLY.

I'M SORRY I'M NOT GAY ENOUGH

FOR YOU, JAMES.

[ LAUGHS ]

I NOTICED.

NEXT GUY YOU BLOW, EASY ON THE

TEETH.

FUCK YOU.

WE'RE DONE.

AND IF I BEHAVED LIKE YOU DID

HALF THE TIME, I ACTUALLY WOULD

BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

BUT THEN AGAIN, MAYBE I'D BE

MORE ASHAMED OF THAT EXTENSIVE

COLLECTION OF UNDERAGE GAY PORN

YOU HAVE ON YOUR COMPUTER AT

HOME.

1225 EAST MILWAUKEE.

APARTMENT 3A.

OH, SHIT!

OH, FUCK!

WHAT?

OH, SHIT!

[ CRYING ]

OH, FUCK!

OH, FUCK!

[ POLICE RADIO CHATTER ]

NATHAN!

I JUST GOT YOUR MESSAGE!

WHAT HAPPENED?

MY PLACE GOT ROBBED.

ALL MY STUFF, ALL MY MOVIES --

EVERYTHING IS GONE.

HOW?

I CAME HOME, AND MY BACKDOOR

WAS WIDE OPEN.

IS SHE YOUR LANDLADY?

SHE'S MY FRIEND.

BUT HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

I -- I LOCKED EVERYTHING UP.

STACK THE NEXT ONE UP.

WE'LL BE OVER IN A MINUTE.

YOU WERE HERE LAST NIGHT?

YES.

I CAME AND I CLEANED UP, BUT I

COULD SWEAR I LOCKED EVERYTHING

UP.

OH, MY GOD.

I THINK WE HAVE EVERYTHING WE

NEED FOR OUR REPORT.

IF WE FIND ANYTHING, WE'LL BE IN

TOUCH.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M SORRY.

I WAS RETURNING THE WINE THAT

YOU LEFT AND I CAME IN AND THE

PLACE WAS A GIANT MESS, AND I

THOUGHT I'D DO YOU A FAVOR AND

CLEAN UP.

SO, YOU LEFT MY FUCKING DOOR

OPEN.

WELL, I CERTAINLY DIDN'T DO

IT ON PURPOSE.

HOW FUCKING STUPID DO YOU

HAVE TO BE TO LEAVE SOMEONE'S

DOOR OPEN, MARGARET?

THEY TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME.

THEY TOOK ALL MY DVDs.

YEAH, WELL, YOU'LL GET IT

BACK.

HE SAID THEY'D CALL YOU WHEN

THEY FIND SOMETHING.

NO, I WON'T.

THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT.

WELL, DON'T YOU HAVE RENTERS

INSURANCE?

WHO HAS RENTERS INSURANCE?

[ Crying ] NATHAN, I SAID I'M

SORRY.

YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE,

DIDN'T YOU?

DID WHAT?

YOU DIDN'T LIKE JAMES, SO YOU

PUNISHED ME IN YOUR TYPICAL

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BULLSHIT WAY,

AND --

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU!

WHY IS EVERYONE OUT TO GET ME

TODAY?

OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER

THE DOOR.

YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER THE DOOR

'CAUSE YOU DON'T REMEMBER

ANYTHING.

WHY WOULD YOU WHEN YOUR LIFE IS

SO FUCKING PATHETIC?

YOU'RE A 52-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WHO'S

NEVER HAD ANY CHILDREN AND WHO

NEVER HAS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH

HER BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING

IDIOT.

I SERIOUSLY THINK YOU HAVE A

MENTAL DISABILITY, MARGARET.

YOU WORK AT A FUCKING COFFEE

SHOP FOR MINIMUM WAGE, AND THE

ONLY REASON THEY KEEP YOU AROUND

IS BECAUSE THEY FEEL SORRY FOR

YOU.

AND 'CAUSE YOU TAKE THE

CRAPPIEST SHIFTS, AND YOU GOT

THIS STUPID IDEA THAT YOU'RE

GONNA BE SOME FUCKING STANDUP

COMEDIAN, AND WE BOTH KNOW

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA MAKE IT.

HOW COULD YOU LEAVE MY FUCKING

DOOR OPEN?

HUH?

ARE YOU STUPID?

DAMN! FUCK THIS SHIT!

SO, UH, FOLKS, I'M GONNA TRY

OUT SOME NEW MATERIAL ON YOU

TONIGHT, SO BEAR WITH ME.

HOW ABOUT THIS?

HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF DRINKS

THESE DAYS?

PRETTY SOON THEY'RE GONNA BE

SERVING YOU YOUR COFFEE IN ONE

OF THOSE HIKING BACKPACKS.

THOSE...

WHAT DO YOU CALL THOSE THINGS?

THEY'RE, UH...

YOU KNOW, THAT PEOPLE WEAR ON

THEIR BACKS, AND THEN THEY HAVE

THE STRAW THAT COMES AROUND

AND...

YOU SUCK.

UH.

IT'S --

NEXT.

UH, FOLKS, I'M SORRY.

I...

GUESS I DON'T HAVE IT TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOME GREAT

PEOPLE COMING UP, SO...

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

THANKS A LOT.

NATE.

I HEARD ABOUT YOU AND JAMES.

ARE YOU OKAY?

NATE?

YOU WANT TO GET DRUNK AT

THE MANHOLE AFTER CLASS?

I'LL PAY.

AND, YOU KNOW, I STARTED

DRAGGING IT HOME, AND I CAME TO

THIS STOP SIGN.

[ Ringing ]

Hey, this is Nathan.

Leave me a message and I'll call

you back.

[ Beep ]

HEY.

IT'S ME.

LISTEN, IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD TALK?

YOU CAN CALL ME OR TEXT ME.

WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO.

OKAY.

LOOK FORWARD TO TALKING TO YOU.

BYE, NOW.

HI.

OH, HI.

YOU MOVING IN?

YEAH. HI.

I'M REBECCA.

HI.

THIS IS MY WIFE, DANIELLE.

JUST "DANI" IS FINE.

HI.

I'M MARGARET.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

WELCOME.

OH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THANKS.

THANK YOU.

THANKS.

HAVE YOU -- HAVE YOU LIVED

HERE A LONG TIME?

A COUPLE YEARS.

IT'S A GREAT BUILDING.

THE PEOPLE ARE REALLY NICE.

OH, GOOD.

YEAH.

GOOD.

WE MOVED HERE FOR THE SCHOOLS,

SO...

[ CHUCKLES ]

A-ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE?

LITTLE VACATION.

NO, IT'S WORK.

I DO STANDUP.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD -- YOU

SHOULD REALLY TALK TO DANI.

SHE'S SO FUNNY.

SHE REALLY IS.

[ LAUGHS ]

OKAY.

WELL, WHEN I GET BACK.

YEAH.

WE'LL HAVE A BARBECUE OR S--

SOMETHING.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH.

I GOT A LONG DRIVE, SO...

YOU NEED SOME HELP TAKING

THAT TO YOUR --

NO, I'M GOOD. I'M FINE.

♪ IT'S HARD TO KNOW

♪ IT'S TO CRYING, YEARNING,

WONDERING IF IT'S POSSIBLE AT

ALL ♪

♪ CRYING, YEARNING, WONDERING IF

IT'S POSSIBLE AT ALL ♪

♪ BUT THEY WILL NEVER RISE

♪ AND WE COULD ALWAYS SETTLE

♪ BECAUSE THE FACT IS I DID AND

I'M SORRY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THE FACT IS I DID AND

I'M SORRY.

♪ WHOA-OH-OH-OH

♪ WHOA-OH-OH-OH

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

HEY, NATHAN.

YOU HAVE A SECOND?

YEAH.

THAT WAS IT, MAN.

THAT WAS MY LAST ONE.

LAST OFFICE HOUR.

I GOT DRAFTS FROM PEOPLE, AND I

HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN YOU.

YOU'RE LIKE A GHOST.

NOW, IT'S NOT REALLY ANY BIG

DEAL YET, 'CAUSE YOU GOT SOME

TIME, BUT I'M JUST BRINGING IT

UP BEFORE IT BECOMES A PROBLEM.

I KNOW.

EVERYONE HAS TO SUBMIT A

TREATMENT FOR THEIR

FEATURE-LENGTH PROJECT.

IT'S YOUR THESIS.

AND IF YOU DON'T TURN IN A

THESIS, THEN I HAVE TO FLUNK

YOU.

AND I'M NOT A FLUNKER KIND OF

GUY.

I KNOW. I -- I'M --

I'M THINKING ABOUT MAYBE

SWITCHING MAJORS OR DROPPING OUT

OF SCHOOL AND...

REALLY?

YEAH.

WHY?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M -- I'M JUST NOT HAVING FUN

WITH IT ANYMORE.

THAT'S A SHAME, 'CAUSE YOU'RE

GOOD, MAN.

NO, I'M NOT GOOD.

YES, YOU ARE.

NO, I'M NOT.

NATE, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DOING

IT VERY LONG.

YOU CAN'T BE SO HARD ON

YOURSELF.

BELIEVE ME, IF I SHOWED YOU SOME

OF MY EARLY STUFF, YOU'D BE

FEELING A LOT BETTER RIGHT NOW,

'CAUSE, DUDE, THEY WERE BAD.

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT?

JUST PROMISE ME YOU WON'T QUIT

NOW.

IT'S TOO EARLY.

I JUST FEEL BORED WITH ALL OF

IT.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THEN, SHOOT A MOVIE ABOUT

THE NEXT THING THAT INTERESTS

YOU.

AND THEN THE NEXT THING AFTER

THAT.

OKAY.

LISTEN, JUST GET ME A

TREATMENT.

ANY TREATMENT.

WE CAN REDRAFT IT INTO SOMETHING

ELSE IF WE NEED TO.

I JUST NEED SOMETHING.

AND I'M NOT TAKING NO FOR AN

ANSWER.

I FIGURED THAT.

AND THE ONLY REASON I'M

TELLING YOU THIS IS 'CAUSE I

LIKE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO

SUCCEED.

I THINK YOU HAVE REAL PROMISE,

MAN.

BUT YOU'LL NEVER BE A FILMMAKER

IF YOU DON'T MAKE FILMS.

AND DON'T THINK ABOUT WHETHER

IT'LL BE SUCCESSFUL OR NOT.

JUST THINK ABOUT WHATEVER IS ON

YOUR MIND THESE DAYS.

WHAT INSPIRES YOU?

WHAT KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU OBSESSING OVER?

[ SIGHS ]

HEY.

HEY.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

THANKS.

UM, I STILL HAVE A SET OF

YOUR KEYS.

I JUST WANTED TO...

THANK YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I WAS WAITING FOR YOU.

UH...

I'M GLAD YOU WEREN'T OUT OF

TOWN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH.

I JUST GOT BACK.

THERE'S THESE TWO LADIES

LIVING IN MY OLD APARTMENT.

OH, THAT'S REBECCA AND DANI.

SO, I HEARD YOU WENT ON TOUR.

YEAH.

I WENT TO YOUR WORK, AND THE

GUY SAID YOU QUIT.

THAT'S AWESOME.

AND I SAW YOU OPEN FOR THAT GUY

AT THE VIC LAST SUMMER.

YOU DID?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE

COMING?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT YOUR ACT HAS GOTTEN REALLY

GOOD, MARGARET.

THANKS.

THE TOUR WAS COOL?

YEAH.

IT ENDED EARLIER THAN WE

THOUGHT, BUT THE HEADLINER, HE

GOT HIS TV PILOT PICKED UP.

OH, THAT SUCKS.

WELL, THEY PAID ME FOR MY

FULL CONTRACT, SO...

WELL, THERE YOU GO.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW IF I

WAS GONNA COME BACK TO CHICAGO

OR TRY LOS ANGELES.

OH.

WHAT'S GOING ON, NATE?

ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH THE

COUPLE THAT LIVES NEXT DOOR?

NO.

THEY JUST HAD A BABY.

BABIES STILL KIND OF GROSS ME

OUT.

YEAH, ME TOO.

HOW'S JAMES DOING?

[ GROANS ]

DID YOUR MOVIE GO GOOD?

I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.

I HAVE -- I'M MAKING THIS

DOCUMENTARY AND I REALLY WANT TO

MAKE IT ABOUT YOU AND HOW YOU'VE

BECOME A SUCCESSFUL STANDUP

COMEDIAN.

I DON'T KNOW, NATE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S SUCH A GOOD

IDEA.

YOU AND I HAVEN'T TALKED IN A

LONG TIME.

AND THAT'S REALLY A LOT TO THROW

AT A PERSON JUST OUT OF THE

BLUE.

OKAY.

AND GREGORY -- THAT'S MY

MANAGER -- NOW HE HAS TO BE

INVOLVED WITH STUFF.

NO, I-I-I GET IT.

IT'S COOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING,

NATE?

NATE!

NATE.

NATE.

DID YOU FIX UP MY APARTMENT LIKE

THAT?

THAT WAS REAL NICE OF YOU.

THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU

STUPID.

THAT WAS REALLY MEAN, AND IT'S

NOT EVEN TRUE, MARGARET.

I -- I REGRET SAYING IT.

I REGRET EVERYTHING I SAID THAT

DAY.

I REGRET MOVING OUT...

NOT ANSWERING YOUR CALLS...

CHOOSING JAMES OVER YOU.

[ Voice breaking ] I'M REALLY

SORRY, MARGARET.

I MEAN, I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE

ME ONE DAY.

I FORGIVE YOU NOW.

I KNOW I'M NOT STUPID.

[ CRYING ]

I MISS YOU.

I MISS YOU, TOO.

DO YOU HAVE TIME FOR BRUNCH?

DEFINITELY.

SO, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR

DOCUMENTARY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

HELLO, CHICAGO.

THANKS A LOT.

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

LOOKING BACK ON IT NOW, I THINK

MOST OF THE TIME, I WOULD HAVE

BEEN BETTER OFF BEING HOMELESS.

I COULD HAVE SAVED A TON OF

MONEY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF I COULD HAVE JUST LASTED ON

THE STREET FOR, LIKE, FIVE

YEARS, I'D HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO

PUT A DOWN PAYMENT ON A DECENT

CONDO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THEN, AFTER FIVE YEARS ON

THE STREETS, ANYTHING COULD

HAPPEN.

I COULD HAVE BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC

OR A CRACKHEAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR AS WE CALL IT IN MY FAMILY,

AUNT LINDA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ I CLICK MY FINGERS AND THE

THUMB FALLS OFF MY HAND AND

FALLS RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN ♪

♪ AND THEN THINGS WENT FULL

TILT ♪

♪ ENOUGH SURVIVOR GUILT TO KEEP

YOU QUIET FOREVER ♪

♪ AS TRAINS PASSED UNDERNEATH,

SOME FORM OF TRAMPLED GRIEF

ROLLED OFF INTO THE DISTANCE ♪

♪ AND OFF CAME BOTH THE SHOES

♪ THE GAME WE HAD TO LOSE

♪ BLINDFOLDED ON THE TRACKS

♪ BUT, HONEY, I JUST HAVE TO

CHECK ♪

♪ IS OUR ROMANCE STILL NECK AND

NECK? ♪

♪ BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE

TAKEN FOR A FOOL ANYMORE ♪

♪ OO-OO-OOH

♪ OO-OOH

♪ OO-OO-OO-OO-OOH ♪

♪ STAGE IS SET NOW

♪ HALLS ARE ALLOWED

♪ ROWS OF PEOPLE CLIMBING

STEEPLES ♪

♪ SPOTLIGHT SHINES BRIGHT

♪ STAY THERE, SIT TIGHT

♪ WAITING FOR

WISH ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

WANT ME TO TELL YOU LIKE I

DID LAST YEAR?

THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

WANT TO BET?

FUCK YOU.

ALREADY DID.

♪ FINAL VISION

♪ STRANDED MISSION

♪ WAITING FOR THE CALL

♪ HERE AM I GRATEFUL

♪ LET'S SEE THE BLACKENED

CURTAIN FALL ON ME ♪

♪ LET'S KEEP IT SUDDEN, NOT TOO

GRADUALLY ♪

♪ HACK, HACK AWAY THE WAY YOU

THINK YOU CAN ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN IT ALL

♪ I'VE SEEN IT ALL

♪ I'VE SEEN IT ALL