N.Y.P.D. Mounted (1991) - full transcript
A New York City cop becomes partners with a rodeo cowboy from Montana on the city's Mounted Division.
Bailiff: ALL RISE.
STATE OF MONTANA'S DIVORCE COURT
IS NOW IN SESSION.
WELLINGTON VS. WELLINGTON.
JUDGE BLACKBURN PRESIDING.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MISS?
CAN WE GET YOU SOMETHING?
NO, THANK YOU.
I'LL BE FINE.
OH. YOU KNOW I WANTED THIS TO WORK,
DON'T YOU, MAMA?
I KNOW, DEAR. OF COURSE.
I REALLY, REALLY DID.
SHE LOOKS PRETTY UPSET, LUCKY.
YEAH, THE LAST TIME DONNA CRIED LIKE THAT
- WAS WHEN HENRY DIED. - HENRY?
OUR PUPPY. SHE HAD HIM PUT TO SLEEP FOR PEEING ON THE CARPET.
MY WIFE WANTED TO DO THAT TO ONE OF OUR KIDS.
I LIKE YOUR WIFE.
GOOD. I'M PUTTING HER UP ON WAIVERS.
THIS COURT DECREES THAT THE PROPERTY RESULTING
FROM THE DISSOLUTION OF THE MARRIAGE
BETWEEN DONNA LEE WELLINGTON
AND OFFICER LONNIE "LUCKY" WELLINGTON,
WILL BE AWARDED AS FOLLOWS--
HOLD ON, COWBOY. WE'RE RIDING THIS ONE WITHOUT A SADDLE.
THAT'S REASSURING, HUNT. THANKS.
1987 CORVETTE CONVERTIBLE...
DONNA WELLINGTON.
MATCHING PAIR OF 100cc HONDA MOTOR SCOOTERS--
DONNA WELLINGTON.
ONE CHRIS-CRAFT WATER-SKI BOAT,
ONE MACKINTOSH STEREO AMPLIFIER,
TURNTABLE AND TUNER AND ALL ALBUMS AND CDs--
DONNA WELLINGTON.
THE RESIDENCE COHABITED DURING THE MARRIAGE,
LOCATED AT 209 HAMILTON DRIVE,
INCLUDING ALL RUGS, APPLIANCES, LAMPS, AND FIXTURES...
DONNA WELLINGTON.
AHunt: I'M AFRAID WE GOT KILLED.
WE?
OK, YOU.
HEY, LUCKY, EVER THINK OF CHANGING YOUR NAME?
- NOT LATELY. - MAYBE YOU SHOULD.
IT'S THE DISCRETION OF THIS COURT
AND MY EXPERIENCE IN THESE MATTERS
THAT THE ANTIQUE INLAID SILVER SADDLE
ALLEGEDLY OWNED BY THE FAMOUS COWBOY KIT CARSON,
VALUED AT $5,000,
AND THE PRIZE-WINNING CUTTING HORSE KNOWN AS BLAZE,
VALUED AT $100,000,
SHALL REMAIN SOLELY OWNED BY MR. LONNIE WELLINGTON.
THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED.
WHAT THE HELL, HE GETS THE HORSE?
MRS. WELLINGTON, YOU ARE IN A COURT OF LAW.
RELAX. WE'LL APPEAL.
IT'S THE ONLY THING WORTH MONEY--
AND THAT STUPID SADDLE.
WE KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT SADDLE.
WE APOLOGIZE TO THE COURT.
MY DECISION STANDS, MRS. WELLINGTON.
PLEASE... CALL ME DONNA.
HUNT, WE BEEN FRIENDS
SINCE YOU PROSECUTED MY FIRST ARREST,
BUT YOU ARE THE WORST DIVORCE ATTORNEY
I HAVE EVER READ ABOUT, HEARD ABOUT OR EVEN SEEN.
I'M NOT A DIVORCE ATTORNEY, I'M ASSISTANT D.A.
YOU WERE SHOPPING FOR A DEAL. I GAVE YOU A DEAL.
I SHOULD'VE GIVEN MY WIFE A MASK AND GUN.
EX-WIFE. AYOU'RE OVERREACTING.
I WAS RUN OVER BY THE WHEELS OF JUSTICE.
- DON'T TELL ME AI'M OVERREACTING. - YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
- I AM NOT! - YES, YOU ARE!
THIS IS NOT OVERREACTING, HUNT.
THIS IS OVERREACTING.
NO... THAT'S CRAZY.
NO, HUNT. THIS IS CRAZY.
AAH!
IT'S ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.
HE'S PART INDIAN. IT'S A CHEROKEE DIVORCE DANCE.
VERY TRADITIONAL.
WILL YOU TAKE IT EASY?
DON'T TELL ME TO TAKE IT EASY!
I JUST GAVE A WOMAN I HATE A HOUSE!
- YOU DON'T THINK AI'M DOING THE RIGHT THING? - NOPE.
- WHAT WOULD YOU DO? - I WOULDN'T LEAVE TOWN.
SHE EVEN GOT MY ALBUM COLLECTION.
SOME COLLECTION-- A BOOTLEG COPY
OF WAYLON JENNINGS LIVE AT THE PALOMINO
AND AN 8-TRACK TAPE OF GENE AUTRY
APOLOGIZING TO THE ANGELS FANS
FOR NOT WINNING THE WORLD SERIES?
LOOK AT THE UPSIDE. YOU GOT TO KEEP BLAZE.
WHAT GOOD'S A $100,000 HORSE I CAN'T SELL?
IT'D BE LIKE SELLING MY KID.
CUT THE MELODRAMA. YOU DON'T HAVE A KID.
I'M LUCKY SHE DIDN'T GET KIT CARSON'S SADDLE.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS KIT CARSON'S SADDLE.
THE HELL IT'S NOT. I PAID FIVE GRAND FOR IT.
NO, YOU GOT TOOK. THERE'S THIS GUY
WHO SELLS THEM IN FLEA MARKETS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
I THINK THEY MAKE THEM IN KOREA.
THEY USE THE LEATHER THEY CAN'T MAKE INTO BASEBALL GLOVES.
STOP TRYING TO CHEER ME UP.
I PUT IN SEVEN YEARS ON THE POLICE FORCE.
I HAD A GOOD LIFE, RODE IN SOME RODEOS.
THERE'S NO RODEOS IN NEW YORK CITY.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ON LONG ENOUGH TO WIN, ANYWAY.
THE LAST MONEY I WON I SPENT ON THAT SADDLE.
GOOD INVESTMENT. NO DOUBT.
I'LL TAKE UP BOWLING LIKE MOST COPS.
YEAH, MAYBE GO PRO,
THEN YOU CAN BUY ARCHIE BUNKER'S BALL.
YOU'RE A COWBOY, AND COWBOYS LIKE SMOKEY POOLROOMS
AND CLEAR MOUNTAIN MORNINGS.
THEY HATE BOWLING.
IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON, HUNT, OKAY?
THIS TOWN AIN'T BIG ENOUGH?
DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE A GARY COOPER MOVIE.
GIVE ME ONE REASON YOU'RE LEAVING.
I'LL BE TRANSFERRING INTO THE NEW YORK POLICE DEPARTMENT
MAKING 32,5 A YEAR. THAT'S A TON OF MONEY.
I'LL LIVE LIKE A KING.
YOU'LL GET KILLED IN NEW YORK.
IN A MACY'S DAY PARADE? I'M MOUNTED DIVISION.
THOSE GUYS RIDE AROUND CARRYING FLAGS,
WAVING AT THE MAYOR.
WHY IS THE MAYOR RIDING AROUND IN A BULLETPROOF FLOAT?
MAYBE THEY LIKE HIM.
( Blaze neighs )
( car alarm chirps )
LUCKY, OF ALL THE CARS YOU'VE HAD,
I THINK THAT ONE WAS MY FAVORITE.
THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT, HUNT.
( engine starts )
DONNA, MAY I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
WHAT?
I KNOW THIS WAS HARD FOR BOTH OF US,
AND... I DO WANT YOU TO KNOW I WANTED IT TO WORK OUT.
IT DID.
PUPPY KILLER!
( horn honks )
( barks )
YOU WANT TO MAKE ROAD PIZZA HERE?
PUT HIM ON A LEASH!
WHOA!
( honks )
ADispatcher: Spampatta-- Spampatta, where are you?
GIVE ME THE ADDRESS! YOU GOT THE ADDRESS YET?
2227 West 47th. E.D.P. Please respond.
WHAT KIND OF E.D.P.?
I'M NOT GONNA WALK INTO SOME PSYCHO WITH A CHAIN SAW, AM I?
I DON'T DO CHAIN SAWS,
NOT SINCE PARKER LOST HIS EAR.
That's an E.D.P, Spampatta, not a psycho.
Emotionally Disturbed Person is what we call them.
YOU CAN CALL THEM GROOVY TUESDAYS.
IF SOMEBODY'S SWINGING A CHAIN SAW,
I'M STAYING IN THE CAR.
E.D.P. is a jumper.
Black female, answers to Diana Ross.
- ANSWERS TO WHO? - Subject is--
- ANSWERS TO WHAT? - Diana Ross.
OF THE SUPREMES?
No, of the lunatics. She thinks she's Diana Ross.
READ MY FILE. I'M A TONY BENNETT FAN.
The subject is on the seventh floor fire escape.
I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.
She's yours, Spampatta.
HEY, LISTEN! OH, MAN.
I GOT TO TRANSFER OUT OF THIS DIVISION.
DIANA ROSS?
♪ STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART ♪
♪ STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART ♪
♪ THINK IT OVER ♪
♪ THINK IT OVER... ♪
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
WE'RE ALL NEW YORKERS. WE'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.
YOU GOING TO GET HER?
NOT UNLESS I HAVE TO. ANYBODY KNOW THIS LADY?
Woman: SHE'S A BUN GIRL AT NATHAN'S--
- CONEY ISLAND AOR TIMES SQUARE? - TIMES SQUARE.
I THINK I KNOW HER.
SHE CHANGED JOBS. SHE'S A SUPREME.
DIANA ROSS LEFT THE SUPREMES.
GUESS WHAT? THAT AIN'T DIANA ROSS.
SHE'S GOT GREAT LEGS.
HER BRAIN AIN'T TOO HOT.
YOU GOING TO GET HER?
WHO DO I LOOK LIKE, BERRY GORDY?
- IT'S YOUR JOB. - WHO ARE YOU, MY BOSS?
I'M A TAXPAYER.
YOU GO UP THERE, YOU GET HER DOWN,
NEXT YEAR YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ANY TAXES.
WE GOT A COWARD COP!
HE'S GOING TO LET THE GIRL JUMP!
SHE'S NOT GONNA JUMP! SHE'S DIANA ROSS, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
YOU'D GO UP THERE IF IT WAS A DUNKIN' DONUT.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.
BROOKLYN HEIGHTS-- I FELL OFF A GARAGE WHEN I WAS A KID.
♪ I'VE EVEN SEEN HER MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE ♪
- ♪ BUT DOES AHER SWEET EXPRESSION... ♪ - ( crowd singing )
TAKE IT EASY, DIANA.
YOU GOT A LOT OF FANS DOWN HERE.
♪ THIS TIME BEFORE YOU RUN TO HER... ♪
SOMEBODY CALL THE MAYOR!
THE MAYOR, RIGHT.
MAYBE HE'LL GO UP AFTER THIS FRUITCAKE.
♪ STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART ♪
♪ STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART ♪
♪ THINK IT OVER ♪
♪ THINK IT OVER ♪
♪ STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART ♪
♪ THINK IT OVER ♪
THAT'S SOME ACT, MISS ROSS.
EVER THINK ABOUT TAKING IT TO AN ASYLUM?
DO YOU HAVE A BACKSTAGE PASS?
NO, I'M A FAN.
HOW HIGH UP DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
WOULD YOU GET OUT OF HERE?!
DIANA, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I HAVEN'T HAD A HIT SONG IN FIVE YEARS.
YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW MICHAEL JACKSON PERSONALLY.
ANY IDEA WHAT THE HEIGHT IS?
I'M 6'1". HOW CAN I DO PAULA ABDUL?
THAT'S WHO THEY WANT NOW.
SHE CAN'T EVEN SING.
SHE'S A LAKER GIRL, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
TAKE IT EASY, DIANA.
YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE THAT JOB AT NATHAN'S.
THEY'D MISS YOU.
ONE OF YOUR CUSTOMERS IS NUTS ABOUT YOUR LEGS.
OH, REALLY?
WHICH ONE?
YOO-HOO!
( applause, boos )
IF YOU SHAVED THEM, IT MIGHT MAKE A BETTER IMPRESSION.
♪ AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH... ♪
WHAT'S THIS, A NOVENA? IT'LL MAKE A MESS.
♪ AIN'T NO RIVER WIDE ENOUGH ♪
♪ TO KEEP ME FROM YOU ♪
SPAMPATTA...
OH, MY GOD!
HEY, CUT IT--
OH, NO! OH, MY GOD!
WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?
COME ON! LOOK OUT!
WOULD YOU STOP IT ALREADY?
OH, GOD!
HOLY COW!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
MISS ROSS HAS LEFT THE AUDITORIUM.
YOU PEOPLE ARE GREAT.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
THIS IS OFFICER SPAMPATTA HERE.
THIS IS AN OFFICIAL REQUEST FOR A TRANSFER.
I WANT THE HELL OUT OF THIS DIVISION!
This is Sick Nick.
I'll be talking through this smog.
Everybody breathe through a comb, ok?
The phone lines are open.
It's time for Naked Phone Call!
Welcome to Naked Phone Call. You're on the air.
This is Ill Will from White Plains.
- Hello, Will. You naked? - As naked as my wife on our honeymoon.
- What's your wife's name? - Hank.
- Where did you meet? - In prison.
You are ill, aren't you, Will?
♪ I'm not one for livin' in my head ♪
♪ Things I should be doing ♪
♪ All the things should have said ♪
♪ AND I DON'T WORRY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ I'M DOIN' THE BEST I CAN. ♪
( whistling )
OH, HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
YOU THINK I'M GOING TO RIDE A HORSE IN A TUXEDO?
WHY NOT? YOU LEARNED HOW TO BE A HORSE'S ASS IN ONE AT OUR WEDDING.
BLAME UNCLE GUIDO AND HIS HOMEMADE AMARETTO.
THAT WAS 20 WONDERFUL YEARS AGO.
- YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED ATO EAT THAT. - THAT'S HOT.
- SEE? GOD PUNISHED YOU. - TRY HE'S BLESSING ME.
MUST BE ALL THOSE NOVENAS YOU DRAG ME TO.
THIS TRANSFER WILL BE LIKE A PAID VACATION.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU WON'T DO REGULAR POLICE WORK IN THE MOUNTED?
WHEN HAVE YOU HEARD OF A HORSE COP
KILLED OR WOUNDED IN THE LINE OF DUTY?
NEVER, THAT'S WHEN.
OH, ALL THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE NOW.
OH, ALL THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE NOW.
YOU DRAW TROUBLE LIKE MY SISTER DRAWS LOSERS.
YOUR SISTER'S A LOSER.
YEAH, WELL, YOU SHOULD'VE MARRIED HER.
YOU'D HAVE MADE A LOVELY COUPLE.
THIS WILL BE THE BEST YET.
THIS WILL BE LIKE WHEN YOU JOINED THE SERVICE.
"I GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT. I JOIN THE 3-YEAR PLAN,
I GET A PASS ON 'NAM."
NEXT, YOU'RE GETTING SHOT AT IN RICE PADDIES.
HERE COMES THE BLITZ.
THEN YOU JOIN THE POLICE FORCE.
"I'VE GOT IT FIXED FOR RECORDS.
NOBODY GETS SHOT IN RECORDS."
YOU END UP IN THE MANHATTAN 1st.
YOU GET SHOT AT MORE THAN THE WAR.
IN THE MOUNTED, YOU'LL GET HOOF AND MOUTH. THEY'LL HAVE TO SHOOT YOU.
RELAX. HUMAN ANIMALS CAN'T GET HOOF AND MOUTH.
ANYWAYS, THIS IS PERFECT. I CAN'T EVEN RIDE.
HEY, WHOA!
STOP RIGHT THERE, YOUNG LADY.
COME HERE.
LET ME GUESS. YOU'RE INVENTING A NEW SPORT.
I INVENT YOU'RE GROUNDED THIS WEEKEND?
YOUR FATHER'S MAKING A CAREER CHANGE.
TO AN ASTRONAUT FROM THE PLANET WHERE PARENTS EMBARRASS CHILDREN?
DON'T GET SMART.
TURN AROUND.
YOU HAPPY?
LIFT YOUR SKIRT.
MA, DAD'S A PERVERT.
DON'T CALL YOUR FATHER THAT.
LIFT!
I CAN HAVE SOCIAL SERVICES IN FOR THIS.
START LIFTING.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
LIFT!
NO 15-YEAR-OLD OF...
"MINE IS GOING OUT WEARING THAT."
UPSTAIRS, NOW!
GESTAPO!
SEE IF THE GESTAPO PUTS A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD.
I'LL GIVE YOU GESTAPO.
YOU WANT OUR DAUGHTER DRESSING LIKE A HOOKER?
WHEN WE MET AT THE C.Y.O. DANCE, WHAT WAS I WEARING?
SISTER MARY OF SORROWS, A RED VINYL MINI.
YOU WANT ANGELA DOING WHAT WE DID?
HEY, DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK, MISTER.
YOUR PARENTS ARE HUMAN TOO.
HARD TO CONCEPTUALIZE.
GROOVY SHOES, DAD.
I GOT TO GO.
YOU STILL PLAYING THAT THING?
THAT THING IS AN ELECTRONIC FLUTE.
BOYS DON'T PLAY THE FLUTE.
EVER HEARD OF JETHRO TULL?
OK, SO ONE GUY.
SO LONG, HUMANS.
WHY DO YOU DO THAT?
YOU LOVE THAT HE PLAYS AN INSTRUMENT.
SURE I DO. IF HE KNOWS THAT, HE'LL STOP.
HE'S A SPAMPATTA. WE'RE ALL HARDHEADS.
YOU AND DAD WENT AT IT BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED?
WEIRD.
IT ONLY GOT WEIRD AFTER WE WERE MARRIED.
HEY, DID YOU TAKE THAT OFF?
I THOUGHT WILL ROGERS HAD TRIGGER STUFFED.
HE DID. THIS MUST BE A KNOCK-OFF.
YOU GOT MUD GUARDS FOR THAT THING?
FUR TO WRAP AROUND THE REAR VIEW MIRROR?
IT'S AN ANTIQUE.
IT WAS KIT CARSON'S. IT'S WORTH 5 GRAND.
YOU GOT TOOK.
THERE'S A GUY THAT SELLS THEM AT FLEA MARKETS.
IT'S A DIFFERENT GUY.
ANYWAY, IT AIN'T REGULATION.
WE'RE NOT EITHER. HE'S A RODEO HORSE.
WHAT ARE YOU?
I'M A ROPER. LONNIE WELLINGTON.
OH, THE NEW GUY. JERRY BRIGGS.
I MEANT THE BOSS WON'T GO FOR THIS SADDLE.
HE BETTER. IT'S THE ONLY SADDLE BLAZE WILL RIDE.
THAT'S A HELL OF A HORSE.
( neighs )
WHOA. EASY. EASY, EASY, EASY, EASY.
WHAT IS HE, HALF POODLE?
HE'S NOT USED TO STRANGE PEOPLE YET.
THE HORSE DON'T LIKE STRANGE PEOPLE.
IN NEW YORK?
HE'LL GET THE HANG OF IT.
I'M GETTING THE HANG OF THIS. I'M DOING BETTER.
I'M DOING BETTER. LOOK. I'M DOING BETTER.
YEAH, A REGULAR WILLIE THE SHOE.
YEAH, THIS IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
SO WHAT'S HIS NAME?
HE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME.
EVERYBODY'S GOT A NAME.
HE'S NOT AN EVERYBODY, TONY. HE'S A HORSE. NYPD NUMBER 9-2-5,
BUT WE JUST CALL HIM THE HORSE FROM HELL.
WHAT? YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
RELAX, IT'S JUST A NICKNAME.
- WHY IS IT A NICKNAME? - WOULD YOU FORGET ABOUT IT?
- I'M LETTING GO NOW. - DON'T LET GO OF THE ROPE.
I'M GONNA LET GO, TONY. I'M LETTING GO, TONY.
DON'T LET GO, MIKEY.
I'M LETTING GO, TONY.
YOU DON'T LET GO ON THE HORSE FROM HELL.
FORGET ABOUT IT! I'M LETTIN' GO.
WE'RE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
DON'T FALL IN LOVE. HE'S MENTAL.
NO, MIKEY.
NO, NO, NO. COME ON.
MY HORSE IS AN E.D.P.
THAT'S GREAT.
WHAT'S HE DOING, MIKEY?
HE'S WALKING.
IT FEELS LIKE HE'S NOT WALKING.
HE'S WALKING, TONY.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
HEY, I'M RIDING HERE.
NUDGE HIM WITH YOUR HEELS.
- NO. - YES.
- NO. - YES!
- HARDER. - WHY? HE'S STARTING ATO LIKE ME.
HE HATES YOU, TONY. JUST NUDGE HIM. HARDER.
HOW HARD? I DON'T WANT TO END UP IN QUEENS.
JUST DO IT!
WHAT ARE YOU, A BALLET DANCER?
WHOA! WHOA!
COMING THROUGH!
NOW HE'S GONE CRAZY ON ME!
SETTLE DOWN! HEY!
( neigh )
DON'T GET OFF. YOU'LL SPOOK HIM.
HOLY CHRISTMAS!
WHOA! WHOA!
GET OUT. YOU'RE SCARING THE HORSE!
SIT STILL!
HALT! POLICE! FREEZE!
OH! WHOA! WHOA!
WHOA!
RUNAWAY HORSE!
COME ON!
( "William Tell Overture" playing )
HEY, MAN!
COME ON! STOP! STOP ALREADY!
LOOK OUT! HELP!
STOP, HORSE! STOP!
( honks )
THAT'S ENOUGH! CUT IT OUT, HORSE!
RUNAWAY HORSE!
OH!
LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT!
LOOK OUT!
HEY!
HEY, HEY!
WHOA!
COME ON, HORSE.
STOP! WILL YOU PLEASE STOP?
JUST SLOW DOWN!
HEY!
CLEAR THE BRIDGE! POLICE BUSINESS!
HEY! YOU CRAZY OR SOMETHING?
MAN, I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR BUTT!
GET OUT OF HERE!
STOP YANKING ON HIS MANE!
STOP SCARING MY HORSE!
STOP YANKING HIS MANE!
I WILL! STOP SCARING HIM!
GET HIS HEAD DOWN! HE'LL STOP RUNNING!
YOU'RE FREAKING HIM OUT!
PULL BACK ON THE REINS!
WHAT ARE YOU, AN EXPERT?
NO. I'M THE GOOD HORSE FAIRY!
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET ON THE BACK OF MY HORSE!
KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME, WILL YOU?
HOLY CHRISTMAS IN CLEVELAND!
CALL MY WIFE!
TELL HER I'M SORRY ABOUT THE STRIPPER
AT HER BROTHER'S STAG PARTY!
IT WAS THE ONLY TIME, HONEST!
NO, HORSE! NO! THIS IS AN ORDER! STOP!
NOT THE WATER! NO!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TEAM YOU'RE ON, PAL,
BUT I HOPE YOU WIN.
YOU WANT I ARREST YOU RIGHT HERE, COWBOY?
OK, FREEZE, BOTH OF YOU GUYS.
THE HORSE TOO.
COOL IT, ANDERSON.
IT'S ME-- SPAMPATTA.
AND WHO'S THAT, THE LONE RANGER?
NO. THAT'S THE GOOD HORSE FAIRY,
HE'S THE HORSE FROM HELL,
AND I'M A HORSE'S ASS.
YOU COULD'VE KILLED YOURSELF.
- I COULD'VE KILLED MYSELF? - YEAH.
YOU MIGHT BE THE HORSE MEISTER OR SOMETHING,
BUT NEXT TIME, DON'T SCARE MY MOUNT.
SCARE HIM? MAYBE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE,
BUT I SAVED YOUR LIFE.
I DON'T KNOW YOU,
SO DON'T SAVE MY LIFE, OK?
YOU RAN MY HORSE INTO THAT POND.
THEY'LL PROBABLY DOCK MY PAY
TO PUMP OUT HIS LUNGS.
THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A STUNT YOU PULLED.
IT WASN'T A STUNT.
MALIA WAS TEACHING ME TO RIDE.
HE NUDGED THE HORSE.
SPAMPATTA.
THE HORSE WENT COMPLETELY NUTSO,
BUT I CALMED HIM DOWN--
SPAMPATTA!
- YES, SIR? - SHUT UP.
YES, SIR.
SO YOU'RE THE COWBOY THAT'S TRANSFERRING INTO MY UNIT?
YES, SIR.
YOU MAKE SOME ENTRANCE.
SORRY, BUT WHEN I SAW--
- WELLINGTON? - SIR?
YOU CAN SHUT UP TOO.
YOU LIKE THIS DESK?
SIR?
THIS DESK-- DO YOU LIKE IT?
- IT'S A LOVELY DESK. - SHUT UP, SPAMPATTA.
I FIGURED THAT A MAN LIKE YOU MIGHT LIKE A DESK LIKE THIS.
- DO YOU? - YES, SIR.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S A LOVELY DESK, SIR?
WRONG. IT'S A FAMOUS DESK.
I CAN SEE THAT.
IT'S FROM OUT WEST.
YOU KNOW WHO OWNED IT?
SOMEONE FROM OUT WEST, SIR.
OH, THAT'S BRILLIANT.
SHUT UP, SPAMPATTA.
GENERAL GEORGE CUSTER OWNED THIS DESK.
PROBABLY PUT HIS FEET ON IT,
ATE HIS LUNCH, MAYBE EVEN WROTE TO LINCOLN ON IT.
IT'S CLEAR THAT THIS DESK
IS STEEPED IN HISTORY, SIR.
YOU HAVE ANY ANTIQUES, WELLINGTON?
I OWN KIT CARSON'S SADDLE.
NO, YOU DON'T. A GUY SELLS THOSE
AT FLEA MARKETS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
THIS IS SOME FILE, COWBOY.
YOU GOT A POLICE SERVICE MEDAL
FOR TAKING THREE SLUGS AND PULLING A WIFE AND CHILD
OUT OF A POTENTIAL MURDER-SUICIDE.
YOU'RE LUCKY TO BE ALIVE.
THAT'S HOW I GOT MY NAME, SIR.
"LUCKY." IT'S MY NICKNAME.
YEAH? MINE'S TONY THE HAM.
I LIKE A COP THAT'S BEEN SHOT.
GIVES HIM A CERTAIN PERSPECTIVE.
LAW ENFORCEMENT IS AN ART FORM, WELLINGTON.
YOUR SERVICE REVOLVER IS THE BRUSH,
AND THE STREET IS THE CANVAS.
WELL, I'LL TRY NOT TO SPILL ANY PAINT ON MYSELF, SIR.
WAS THAT A WISECRACK?
- NO, SIR. - IT WAS A WISECRACK.
IT WAS NOT A WISECRACK.
PERSONALLY, SIR, IT WAS A WISECRACK, BUT I COULD BE WRONG.
SECURE THE SCHMOOZE, SPAMPATTA.
DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE GETTING INTO THIS OUTFIT?
BECAUSE I COLLECT ANTIQUES?
BECAUSE YOU GOT YOUR OWN HORSE AND KNOW HOW TO RIDE.
IT COSTS A FORTUNE TO TRAIN THESE MOUNTS
FOR COPS WHO COULDN'T STEER A GOAT.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MY HORSE FROM HELL--
WHENEVER AN INCIDENT HAPPENS--
A CITIZEN GETS RUN DOWN BY OUR HORSES,
SOME DIGNITARY'S WIFE PUTS HER FERRAGAMO
INTO ONE OF OUR FAMOUS HOT DEPOSITS,
OR A COUPLE OF OFFICERS GO STEEPLE-CHASING
OVER PRETZEL STANDS AND TAXICABS
RIGHT INTO THE CENTRAL PARK POND,
I START HEARING WORDS LIKE ARCHAIC,
COSSACKS,
F-TROOP. I HATE THAT.
THE MOUNTED DIVISION IS UNDER THE CLOSEST SCRUTINY
OF ANY DIVISION.
WE'VE GOT TO JAM UP AND JELLY TIGHT.
( rubbing sound )
ALL RIGHT.
WELLINGTON, I WANT YOU TO TEACH SPAMPATTA
EVERYTHING HE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT HORSES.
EXCUSE ME, SIR?
IN OTHER WORDS, TEACH JINGLES HERE HOW TO RIDE.
SPAMPATTA, TEACH WELLINGTON
TO BE A NEW YORK COP.
IS THAT A GOOD IDEA? I'M SO NEW--
AND WE CAN'T STAND EACH OTHER?
I THINK IT'S A MARRIAGE MADE IN HEAVEN.
TERRIFIC.
I'M NOT WILD ABOUT IT EITHER, COWBOY.
SIR, COULD WE MAYBE--
SPAMPATTA, YOUR REPUTATION AS A HUMP BUSTER PRECEDES YOU.
BUT I DON'T CARE THAT YOU WERE SOME HOTSHOT.
SCREW UP HERE AND YOU'LL BE RETIRED TOMORROW ON HALF PAY.
HE'S A SCREW-UP, WELLINGTON.
TRY NOT TO LET HIM GET YOU KILLED.
SIR, I WAS JUST WONDERING
WHEN I MIGHT BE ASSIGNED A PERMANENT HORSE?
YOU KNOW, A REGULAR MOUNT, SIR?
DON'T YOU HAVE A HORSE, SPAMPATTA?
YEAH, HERE IT IS RIGHT HERE--
NYPD NUMBER 925.
BETTER KNOWN AS THE HORSE FROM HELL, I BELIEVE.
LIEUTENANT TORRES WILL GIVE YOU
THE RUNDOWN FROM HERE.
TORRES IS A TOUGH COP,
SO WATCH YOUR MOUTH. DISMISSED.
WHAT'S WITH HIM?
BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
WHO'S LIEUTENANT TORRES?
DON'T ASK ME, PAL.
I BEAT YOU INTO THIS OUTFIT BY 15 MINUTES.
"JAM UP AND JELLY TIGHT."
YOU KNOW, MICKEY,
PARTNERS STAY UP FRONT WITH EACH OTHER.
WHO'S NOT BEING UP FRONT, ME?
NO, NOBODY, THAT'S WHO.
NICKY, DON'T I ALWAYS TELL YOU WHAT'S UP?
YEAH. SO, WHAT'S UP?
NOTHING'S UP. NOT YET IT ISN'T.
YOU GOT ME TO WELD A CHAIN LINK FENCE IN MY COUSIN'S VAN.
MICKEY, I ONLY TOLD HIM WE WERE MOVING A COUCH.
I'LL TELL YOU WHEN SOMETHING COMES UP, OK?
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE WE'RE PARTNERS, NICKY.
BECAUSE WE'RE PARTNERS IS WHY.
THIS WILL BE GOOD FOR US, WON'T IT?
GOOD FOR US? THIS WILL PUT US ON TOP.
UP WHERE PEOPLE, LIKE, NOTICE.
IN PLACES WHERE THEY LET YOU SIGN FOR DRINKS
INSTEAD OF PAYING CASH LIKE SOME YIN-YANG FROM HACKENSACK.
I'M FROM HACKENSACK, MICKEY.
THAT'S MY POINT, NICK.
THAT'S MY POINT.
THERE IT IS.
THERE'S WHAT?
THE TRUCK. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE TRUCK.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
IT'S GOING TO MAKE US RICH
AND GET US KNOWN.
BY WHO, A JUNKMAN?
IT'S OLD. YOU GOING TO STEAL SOMETHING THAT OLD?
IT'S WHAT'S IN THE TRUCK THAT MATTERS.
WHAT'S IN IT?
A LOT WORTH SOMETHING.
YOU LEAVE SOMETHING WORTH A LOT
IN SOMETHING THAT'S WORTH SOMETHING,
IT AIN'T GOING TO HANG AROUND.
NOW DO WHAT I SAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GOING TO HIT YOU A COUPLE FLIES.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS FOR FATHER BATAGLIA'S LAWN FETE.
I WAS LYING.
WHAT'S IN THERE, MICKEY?
A FUR COAT, OK?
IT'S WORTH A FORTUNE.
WHEN I OPEN THESE DOORS,
HOLD IT OUT A SECOND,
THEN THROW IT INTO THE VAN, ALL RIGHT?
DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.
I'M TRYING TO MAKE YOU AN IMPORTANT MAN,
SO I DON'T NEED THAT LOOK RIGHT NOW.
GET IN HERE.
WHAT?
GET IN! ALL RIGHT, WHEN I COUNT 3. READY?
1...2...3.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
AN ENDANGERED SPECIES, NICKY.
YOU SAID IT WAS A FUR COAT. YOU LIED.
I DIDN'T LIE. THIS FUR COAT
HASN'T FINISHED ITS EVOLUTIONARY PROCESS.
I GET CAUGHT AND THE UNION FILES A GRIEVANCE,
IT'LL COST ME A DAY'S PAY.
A DAY'S PAY'S MY DUES.
THAT WAY, THE UNION GETS ME TO PAY TWICE.
THEY'RE HONORABLE MEN.
THEY GOT A BLACKSMITH'S UNION IN NEW YORK?
THEY GOT A UNION FOR EVERYBODY IN NEW YORK--
STREET MIMES, RUNAWAYS, PANHANDLERS, HOOKERS.
THEY HAVE HOOKER UNIONS?
WELLINGTON, YOU EVER THINK ABOUT BUYING A BRIDGE?
I'LL GET YOU A GOOD DEAL ON ONE NEAR BROOKLYN.
HEY, VALLEY JOE, IS THIS RIGHT?
IT'S VALLEJO.
YEAH? TAKE A SHOT AT SPAMPATTA.
IS THIS RIGHT, OR WHAT?
FOR YOU, NO. IT'S NOT BACKWARDS.
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA. THAT'S CUTE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, HORSE, JUST TAKE IT EASY.
THIS WON'T HURT YOU.
MAYBE YOU WANT COFFEE TO GO WITH THAT.
YECCHH.
AW, JEEZ.
I WAS A JUVENILE DELINQUENT BEFORE BLACKSMITH TRAINING.
WHY DID YOU PICK BLACKSMITHING?
BECAUSE THEY GOT A GREAT UNION.
I THOUGHT THIS OCCUPATION
WOULD LEAD DIRECTLY TO UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS.
WHO KNEW, RIGHT?
ANYBODY ASKS, I WENT TO STEAM CLEAN MY COFFEE CUP.
EXCUSE ME. WE HAVE SOMEONE TO SHOE THE HORSES.
COULD I SHOW YOU A BLACK PUMP WITH A LOW HEEL?
LOOK, THIS IS MY HORSE.
WE'RE NEW, AND HE'S A LITTLE NERVOUS.
THIS IS NEW YORK. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NERVOUS.
WHAT THE HELL'S THIS?
THAT'S FEED GRAIN, MA'AM.
IT'S NOT MA'AM, OFFICER.
IT'S LIEUTENANT TORRES. WHO ORDERED THIS?
I'M AFRAID I DID, SIR.
LIEUTENANT WILL BE FINE, OFFICER.
( speaking Spanish )
( speaking Spanish )
THIS YOUR HORSE?
YES, MA'AM-- UH, LIEUTENANT.
- DID HE WIN THE BELMONT? - NO.
- IS HE ON TELEVISION? - NO.
WAS HE THE FIRST HORSE IN SPACE?
NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF.
( speaking Spanish )
THIS MUST BE A VERY SPECIAL HORSE.
HE'S A MATRIMONIAL SOUVENIR.
SHE GOT THE HOUSE, I GOT THE HORSE. LONNIE WELLINGTON.
I KNOW. THE GOOD HORSE FAIRY.
STALL NUMBER 56.
SORRY, IT MUST BE YOUR PERFUME.
CERTAIN SMELLS, HE GOES NUTS.
I GOT THE SAME PROBLEM.
GET IT SORTED OUT.
WE GOT ENOUGH TROUBLE WITHOUT ANOTHER DUMB ANIMAL
WITH AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM.
OK, I'M GOING TO NEED A HOME TELEPHONE NUMBER
AND AN ADDRESS.
I, UH, DON'T HAVE ONE.
A TELEPHONE OR AN ADDRESS?
I DON'T HAVE BOTH.
YOU BED DOWN WITH YOUR HORSE IN CENTRAL PARK?
DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES.
NO, MA'AM-- LIEUTENANT.
AND I'M GETTING ME AN APARTMENT THIS AFTERNOON.
HOW HARD IS IT? FIVE MILLION PEOPLE LIVE HERE.
TRY 10.
SOMEBODY NEEDS A ROOMMATE.
WHERE YOU FROM AGAIN?
MONTANA.
WHAT YEAR?
YOU GOT TO KNOW SOMEBODY
TO GET A DECENT PLACE IN NEW YORK.
WELL, I KNOW YOU.
NOT QUITE, COWBOY.
FOLLOW ME.
I CAN'T SLEEP HERE. IT STINKS.
DON'T LET IT MAKE YOU GO NUTS.
DON'T TELL SMITHERS, OK?
THE GUY'S A RULES AND REGULATIONS FREAK.
PROBABLY MAKES HIS WIFE DRESS UP LIKE A CROSSING GUARD
AND JAYWALK ACROSS THE WATERBED.
YOU MAKE THIS UP OR HAVE IT WRITTEN DOWN?
I MAKE IT UP, BUT YOU CAN WRITE IT DOWN.
PUT YOUR NAME ON THE DEPARTMENT'S BULLETIN BOARD.
HALF THE COPS IN MANHATTAN
ARE GETTING DIVORCED OR MARRIED,
SO YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND A ROOMMATE.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
I DON'T NEED A ROOMMATE, THANKS.
I MEANT ARE YOU GETTING DIVORCED OR MARRIED?
OH. I'VE DONE BOTH.
I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT EITHER.
I'M GREAT AT IT.
WHICH?
BOTH.
YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.
BY NOT TELLING YOU,
I'M MAKING YOU AN IMPORTANT MAN.
I DON'T WANT TO BE IMPORTANT.
WHERE'D YOU GET THE TIGER?
YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
BY NOT TELLING YOU, I'M DOING YOU A FAVOR.
BY NOT TELLING ME,
I LOST A $200 SHIRT.
YOU GOT TO LEARN TO DRESS FOR WORK, NICK.
( roars )
AAH!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WAY I DRESS?
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE GOING DANCING.
WHAT THE--
NO!
ASpampatta: COME ON, GO! GO, GO, GO! COME ON!
I DON'T GET THIS.
YESTERDAY, HE'S THE HORSE FROM HELL.
TODAY, HE'S A GIANT DOORSTOP.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
COME ON, GO.
YOU GO FIRST, OK?
I DON'T KNOW THE STREETS.
I DIDN'T KNOW GEORGE BUSH, BUT I VOTED FOR HIM.
YOU'RE SURE?
WHAT'S THIS, A QUIZ? I'M POSITIVE.
I'M THINKING ABOUT YESTERDAY.
LEAVE THE THINKING UP TO ME.
I'LL CALL OUT DIRECTIONS LIKE A FIGHTER PLANE--
PILOT UP FRONT, NAVIGATOR IN BACK.
HOW LONG YOU RIDDEN HORSES?
OK, YESTERDAY I WAS A VIRGIN,
AND MY WIFE THINKS SHE MARRIED THIS PART HERE.
COME ON, LET'S GO, HORSE.
MOVE IT, WILL YOU?
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE HIM A NAME.
HORSES ARE VERY SENSITIVE.
SENSITIVE, ARE THEY?
HOW'S STEVE? IS THAT SENSITIVE ENOUGH FOR YOU?
( snort )
( snort )
STEVE?
YEAH, AS IN STEVE LAWRENCE, HUH?
WHAT'S THAT?
HEY, GREAT, STEVE.
WAY TO GO, PAL.
THERE WE GO. NOW WE'RE RIDING.
ATony: OKAY, OKAY. SLOW DOWN, WILL YOU?
- Lucky: HE'S JUST WALKING. - HE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE AHE'S JUST WALKING.
RELAX, TONY. HE'S JUST WALKING.
I HEARD THAT BEFORE.
CHECK OUT THE INFANTRY. WHAT A BUMMER JOB.
WORKS MUCH BETTER AT THIS ALTITUDE.
WE SHOULD BACK 'EM UP.
WE? YOU SPEAK FRENCH NOW?
WE'RE COPS, RIGHT? IT'S OUR JOB.
YOU WANT TO WASTE FOUR COPS ON A SINGLE COLLAR?
YOU GOT A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT THIS CITY.
WHAT IS OUR JOB?
OUR JOB? OUR GIG, SO TO SPEAK?
OUR LIFE'S WORK?
MOSTLY WE'RE LIKE SYMBOLS OF AUTHORITY,
LIKE THOSE GUARDS AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE
WITH THE GIANT FUR THINGS ON THEIR HEADS.
OR MAYBE THAT FAT SIXTH-GRADE HALL MONITOR
WHO'D POUND YOU IF YOU SMOKED IN THE CAN.
- YOU FOLLOWING ME? - NO.
NO? AOKAY. IN OTHER WORDS,
AS LONG AS OUR PRESENCE IS KNOWN TO THE POPULACE,
IT KEEPS CRIME DOWN. IT'S A SIMPLE CONCEPT.
SOUNDS MORE LIKE SHOW BUSINESS.
YEAH, YEAH, KIND OF.
EXACTLY. SHOW BUSINESS. YEAH.
- SAY, WELLINGTON. - WHAT?!
DON'T GET AN ATTITUDE.
- I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE. - THAT'S AN ATTITUDE.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW? - YOU'RE LIKE THIS GUY AON MY BOWLING TEAM.
HE GETS AN ATTITUDE WHENEVER HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING,
WHICH IS VERY OFTEN.
YOU'RE SAYING I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING?
DON'T GET PARANOID. LOOK, YOU HUNGRY?
NO.
FORGET ABOUT IT. I'M STARVED.
AMan: THAT'S TWO DOGS.
FOUR DOGS.
I WAS GOING TO SAY FOUR DOGS EVENTUALLY.
I WAS STARTING WITH TWO DOGS.
BOTH WITH MUSTARD, RELISH ONIONS AND CHILI SAUCE.
I WAS JUST CHECKING.
CHECKING I DON'T NEED.
THE OTHER TWO WITH MAYONNAISE.
IS THIS ATTITUDE DAY?
WHO'S SAYING ANYTHING?
YOU PUT MAYONNAISE ON THESE, YOU RUIN THEM.
HE'S FROM OUT OF TOWN.
MY SYMPATHIES.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
$3.00.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN $3.00?
FOR THE DOGS.
I DIDN'T WANT THEM.
I ORDERED THEM WITH MAYONNAISE.
WELL, I'M NOT PAYING.
YOU GOTTA. YOU EAT THEM, YOU PAY FOR THEM.
- I'M NOT PAYING. - YOU'RE PAYING FOR 'EM.
- NO! - YEAH!
NO!
ALL RIGHT.
HOW MANY FINGERS I GOT OUT?
FOUR.
BRILLIANT. YOU THROW OUT A COUPLE.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
JUST DO IT.
I FINALLY LET GO OF THAT HORSE'S MANE, DIDN'T I?
COME ON, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, NOW,
ALTOGETHER WITH YOUR FINGERS AND MINE,
HOW MANY FINGERS WE GOT?
EIGHT.
OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS.
NOW, EIGHT IS TOMATOES.
WHAT?
TOMATOES.
YOU KNOW, LIKE EIGHT GREAT TOMATOES
IN EVERY ITTY BITTY CAN?
LET'S GO-- FOR THE DOGS.
ONLY YOU GOT TO CALL IT FAST
AGAINST THE TOTAL NUMBER OF FINGERS.
HO, CINQUE!
MMM, BOOM-BA-BOOM!
WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?
I THREW 5 FINGERS, THEN I THREW 10.
I WIN.
WHO SAYS?
ME. YOU OWE ME THREE CLAMS FOR LUNCH.
WAIT. LET'S DO IT AGAIN.
WE JUST DID IT.
I WASN'T LOOKING, OK? LET'S GO.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
ALL RIGHT.
MINOR LEAGUE!
WHAT'S THAT?
THE BROOKLYN PSYCHE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
- SIX! - PEAS!
YOU OWE ME THREE BUCKS.
WHY? WAIT A MINUTE.
WE WERE BOTH WRONG.
I SAID SIX, AND YOU SAID PEAS,
AND IT WAS SEVEN.
YEAH, DUMMY. SEVEN PEAS TO A POD. I WIN.
GAMBLING'S AGAINST REGULATIONS.
I KNOW THAT, LIEUTENANT.
I WAS SHOWING WELLINGTON ONE OF MANY WAYS
THE UNSUSPECTING VISITOR MIGHT GET HUSTLED
ON THE STREETS OF MANHATTAN.
I WAS.
HOW YOU DOING?
GREAT, SIR.
I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT SIR THING, COWBOY.
YOU'RE STILL ON PROBATION,
SO TRY AND IMPRESS ME, OK?
YEAH, RIGHT HERE, LIEUTENANT.
WHAT'S UP WITH HER?
SHE'S A FRUSTRATED BALLET DANCER.
SHE CAN'T DO "THE NUTCRACKER SUITE,"
SO SHE TAKES IT OUT ON US.
SHE'S DOING A GREAT JOB.
SO HOW'S YOUR DOG?
GREAT. GLAD YOU GOT MAYONNAISE.
DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD, OK?
AW, JEEZ.
THE MAYONNAISE ADVANTAGE.
OH, YOU'RE A REAL FUNNY GUY, WELLINGTON.
A REGULAR BOB HOPE.
WHY DOES NEW YORK GET SUCH A BAD RAP?
IT'S A NICE ENOUGH TOWN.
( honks )
HEY, I'M EATING HERE, HUH?
YEAH, THE HORN WORKS.
HOW ABOUT THE DRIVER?
IT'S LIKE A POST-NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP NOW,
A TEST SITE FOR CRIME OR SOMETHING.
YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE HYPERCRITICAL.
HYPER WHAT? WE GOT SOME MORON
SHOOTS DARTS INTO LADIES' BUTTS.
THERE'S THIS FRUITCAKE KILLING PEOPLE
WHENEVER THE YANKEES LOSE BY MORE THAN TWO RUNS.
CALLS HIMSELF "THE DESIGNATED KILLER."
SOME LEAD-- HE'S AN AMERICAN LEAGUE FAN.
NOT TO MENTION THE WOMAN THAT SPITS ON PEOPLE
COMING OUT OF MASS AT ST. PAT'S.
SHE CALLS HERSELF THE SPITTING IMAGE OF JOAN OF ARC.
IF IT'S THAT BAD, WHY DON'T YOU MOVE?
WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS?
AND LEAVE NEW YORK?
THIS CITY'S GOT UPS AND DOWNS,
BUT L.A. AIN'T PERFECT, EITHER.
I MEAN, THEY GOT, WHAT,
SURFBOARD KILLERS OUT THERE
AND THE REAGANS.
BESIDES, I LOVE THE FOOD HERE.
ANYWHERE ELSE, THE PASTRAMI TASTES LIKE SPAM.
I HATE PASTRAMI.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
IN MONTANA, THE PASTRAMI IS LIKE CORNED BEEF.
THEY HAVEN'T SEASONED IT YET.
IF THEY'D SEASONED IT, I WOULD'VE HATED IT.
LET'S MAKE THIS EASY--
YOU ATE THEM DOGS WITH THE MAYONNAISE, RIGHT? HEY.
LOOKS LIKE WE GOT SOME UPS AND DOWNS.
WHERE?
RIGHT OVER THERE.
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.
ARE YOU BLIND? OVER THERE.
WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?
A CRIME IN PROGRESS.
ARE THESE GUYS CAMOUFLAGED?
YEAH, THE BAD GUYS HIDE BEHIND DUCK BLINDS.
WE SEND IN RETRIEVERS TO FLUSH THEM OUT.
SEE THE GUY IN THE COAT?
OH, OK. YEAH.
WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE TO YOU?
DIRT BAG.
GOOD. WHO'S HE TALKING TO?
ANOTHER GUY.
BRILLIANT. WHAT KIND OF GUY?
LOOKS LIKE A STOCKBROKER. HE'S DRESSED NICE.
WHEN A DIRT BAG TALKS TO A GUY IN A NICE SUIT,
ATHEY'RE NOT TALKING AABOUT THE KNICKS. CAPISCE?
WHO'S CAPISCE, THE DIRT BAG?
THE GUY IN THE COAT'S A DRUG DEALER.
OH, THE OTHER GUY'S CAPISCE.
FORGET ABOUT IT. FORGET ABOUT IT.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
COME ON, STEVE.
STEVE.
WOULD YOU GO, PLEASE?
COME ON!
HE'S NOT A GREYHOUND!
WE DON'T HAVE TO GO THIS FAST!
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.
MAN, THIS THING'S GOT LIKE ONLY TWO SPEEDS.
COMPLETELY STOPPED IS ONE,
AND KISS YOUR BUTT GOODBYE IS THE OTHER.
( whinnying )
WHOA. WHOA.
OH, THIS IS GREAT.
JUST STAY COOL.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
SOMETHING'S WRONG!
( roar )
- WHOA! - ( neighs )
HOLY MOLY! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
A TIGER. WHAT'S A TIGER DOING IN MANHATTAN?
ABOUT TO HAVE LUNCH.
LET'S GO.
FORGET IT.
THERE'S A LOOSE TIGER.
CALL THE SPCA. WE GOT ENOUGH TROUBLE WITH DRUG DEALERS.
COME ON.
YEAH-- WHOA!
WHOA! WHOA! COME ON, STEVE. WHOA!
READ MY FILE, WELLINGTON.
I DON'T DO TIGERS.
PSYCHOS AND TIGERS I DON'T DO.
HALT! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
GET DOWN!
WE'RE POLICE!
WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?
I WAS MAKING AN ARREST!
THIS AIN'T MONTANA, COWBOY.
I IDENTIFIED MYSELF.
THEY GOT A LOT OF RESPECT FOR THE LAW HERE.
COVER ME!
( gunshots )
NOW WHAT?
IDENTIFY YOURSELF AGAIN. HE LIKED THAT.
YOU OK?
LET'S GO.
WHAT IS THIS, A CAR POOL NOW?
THIS ISN'T A GOOD IDEA.
YOU WANT OUT, OPEN THE DOOR. THERE'S OUT AT 40.
STOP! POLICE!
YEAH, THAT WORKS AS GOOD AS LAST TIME. HEY.
HEY! HEY!
( honks )
AAH!
WHAT IS THIS?
NEW YORK CITY. LET'S GO.
( honks )
HEY, PAL, GET OUT OF THE ROAD!
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
COME ON, LOOK OUT!
LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT!
COME ON, COME ON.
THIS IS OFFICER SPAMPATTA.
WE GOT A MAN DOWN BY PARK ROAD AND BEEKMAN.
I NEED BACKUP AND AN AMBULANCE.
WELL, YOU CAN ARREST HIM NOW.
HE AIN'T GOING TO HURT ANYBODY.
Smithers: A TIGER?
YES, SIR.
YOU STICKING BY THAT?
ABSOLUTELY.
YOU'RE MAKING QUITE AN IMPRESSION, WELLINGTON.
THANKS, SIR.
IT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT, ACE.
HE DOESN'T NEED A RUBDOWN
FROM THE TEAM CLOWN, SPAMPATTA.
A TIGER.
A TIGER.
AND HE'S STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE TOO, SIR.
IT WAS A DARK ALLEY.
COULDN'T YOU HAVE MISTAKEN A LARGE DOG FOR A TIGER?
A 700-POUND DOG WITH TEETH THE SIZE OF AN EGGPLANT?
IT HAD STRIPES TOO.
MAYBE IT WAS A ZEBRA.
IT WAS A TIGER.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
IT WAS A TIGER.
SHUT UP. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU EITHER.
THIS ISN'T "CALVIN AND HOBBES."
I'M NOT SOME CARTOON KID TALKING ABOUT A FAKE TIGER.
WELLINGTON WAS ALMOST EATEN BY A REAL TIGER, OK?
IT WASN'T A STUFFED TIGER.
IT WASN'T ONE OF THOSE LITTLE GUYS ON SOMEBODY'S CAR WINDOW.
IT WAS A TIGER.
COOL IT.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, SPAMPATTA?A
ARE YOU LOOKING TO RIDE THE PSYCHIATRIC REVIEW BOARD
RIGHT INTO EARLY RETIREMENT?
I'M LOOKING TO GET THIS POLICE DEPARTMENT
ON TIGER PATROL BEFORE PEOPLE START CALLING IN
WITH LARGE PORTIONS OF THEIR FAMILIES MISSING.
( telephone rings )
SMITHERS.
YEAH.
AH. YES, SIR.
NO. NO QUESTION-- ABSOLUTELY.
I GOT A COUPLE OF MY MEN ON IT ALREADY.
MMM, YES.
APPARENTLY 700 POUNDS IS ABOUT RIGHT.
ABSOLUTELY, SIR. THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE WAY TO GO TO ME.
YEAH.
WE HAVE A TIGER ON THE LOOSE IN MANHATTAN, GENTLEMEN.
ANY THOUGHTS?
WOULD SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT I LOVE THIS CITY?
YOU TOLD ME IT WAS THE PASTRAMI.
OH, OK. BESIDES THE PASTRAMI.
SOUTH SIDE DIVISION
IS COORDINATING WITH THE 16th AND 17th PRECINCTS.
THEY HAVE A S.W.A.T. TEAM ON MOBILE.
911'S BEEN FIELDING ABOUT 10 CALLS AN HOUR.
EVERY NUT IN THE CITY'S BEEN SIGHTING EVERYTHING
FROM TIGERS TO RHINOS.
- WHAT HAVE YOU SIGHTED? - NOTHING YET.
HEADQUARTERS FIGURES THE BEST CHANCE
IS TO GET A SHOT AT THIS THING BEFORE NIGHT.
OTHERWISE, ALL UNITS REMAIN IN PLACE TILL MORNING.
WE WOULDN'T WANT TO MISTAKE THIS CAT FOR SOME...
RICH, 5th AVENUE DIVORCEE IN A FUR COAT.
BESIDES,
RICH DIVORCEES ARE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.
VERY QUICK, SIR.
HE'S MARRIED. I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO HIM LATER.
SO AM I.
CONGRATULATIONS.
WE GOT THE VAN'S LICENSE.
IT'S JERSEY. WE'RE CHECKING THEIR DMV.
- THAT'LL TAKE A WHILE. - Tony: HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
WE GIVE THEM THE JETS. THEY GIVE US A TIGER.
- YOU CAN I.D. THEM? - ABSOLUTELY.
OK. THEY CAN I.D. YOU TOO. BE CAREFUL.
I'M TOUCHED.
DON'T BE. I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HORSE.
TIGERS EAT HORSE MEAT.
BOY, THAT'S JUST TERRIFIC NEWS, CAPTAIN. THANKS.
ATorres: Hello?
IS THIS LIEUTENANT TORRES?
Who's this?
THIS IS THE GOOD HORSE FAIRY.
But when I grow up, I want to be a lion tamer.
THAT MIGHT TAKE AWHILE. HOW'D YOU GET MY NUMBER?
LOOKED IT UP. UNDER STONE-HEARTED WOMEN IN THE YELLOW PAGES.
SOUNDS LIKE A BIG JOB.
THERE WERE ONLY TWO NAMES--
YOURS AND LEONA HELMSLEY'S.
How about I explain this to you over a bite?
THERE'S THIS PLACE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...
LIFE CAFE. THE FOOD'S GREAT THERE.
SORRY. I DON'T THINK SO.
DON'T GET EXCITED. THIS ISN'T A SOCIAL CALL.
IT'S POLICE BUSINESS. YOU'RE MY SUPERIOR.
Meet me in an hour.
and try and remember everything you know about tigers.
SPARKY ANDERSON'S THE BEST MANAGER IN BASEBALL.
NOT DETROIT TIGERS, DOLL. BENGAL TIGERS.
THE KIND THAT EAT LITTLE GIRLS LIKE YOU.
( dial tone )
DOLL?
YO, JOHNNY. IT'S MICKEY.
YEAH. IS PAULEY THERE?
NO. WHAT ABOUT TONY?
HIM, TOO, HUH? WHAT ABOUT LOUIE?
WHAT? DID YOU TELL HIM IT WAS ME?
OH, THAT'S WHY.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT THIS, JOHN, BUT--
NO. THAT WASN'T--
IT WASN'T--
HEY, WHAT--
COME ON, INSULT YOU GUYS?
ME? I'M TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU.
NO, NO, NO. I REMEMBER.
YEAH, I ALMOST GOT FULL USE OF IT AGAIN.
THANKS FOR ASKING.
LOOK, TELL HIM NO HARD FEELINGS.
IN FACT, THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING YOU GUYS WITH THIS.
WHAT DO I GOT?
YOU'RE ASKING ME WHAT I GOT, JOHN?
I GOT A TIGER.
NO, IT'S NOT DEAD. WHY WOULD HE BE DEAD?
'CAUSE I'M A DEADBEAT. VERY FUNNY.
( dial tone )
HE HUNG UP.
THAT'S THE FIFTH GUY WHO'S HUNG UP ON ME.
THE MOB DOESN'T DEAL IN CONTRABAND NO MORE?
IT'S DRUGS AND SHOW BUSINESS NOW?
SOME MONEY, THEY FORGET THEIR ROOTS,
MOVIES INSTEAD OF THE VIGORISH.
- YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT. - HEY, WHO'S AN IDIOT?
ALL DUE RESPECT, BUT YOU'RE SELLING A TIGER YOU DON'T GOT
TO SOMEONE WHO DON'T WANT IT.
I'M TEEING THESE GUYS UP. I'M KEEPING THEM WARM,
SO WHEN I GET IT, I CAN CLOSE.
JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS THING, MICKEY.
- I CAN'T. - YES, YOU CAN.
UH, THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.
I DON'T KNOW. WHAT?
UH, LOAN SHARKING.
I'VE GOT TO SELL THE TIGER.
FIRST YOU GOTTA GET IT BACK AND YOU WON'T, SO FORGET IT.
I CAN'T FORGET.
I TOOK THE TIGER UNDER THE ARM.
YOU WHAT?
I TOOK IT UNDER THE ARM.
CONSIGNMENT?
YOU TOOK A FREAKIN' TIGER ON CONSIGNMENT, MICKEY?
FROM WHO? THE OLD GUY ON MUTUALLY'S OF OMAHA.
JUST SOME PART-TIME WISE GUY FROM BUFFALO,
WORKS AT THE ZOO THERE. I MET HIM THROUGH VINNIE'S COUSIN.
HE GETS AN INSIDE DEAL ON THE ELEPHANT FOOD OR SOMETHING.
YOU MEET HIM AT CARLA'S WEDDING?
YEAH.
I KNOW THE GUY.
YOU DON'T.
I THINK I DO.
YOU DON'T. HE'S FROM BUFFALO.
ANYWAY, HE WORKS AT THE ZOO.
SO WE GET TO TALKING.
HOW'S THE LIFE-- BLAH BLAH BLAH.
THE CONVERSATION GETS
TO HOW MUCH THESE ANIMALS IS WORTH.
HE SAYS SOME ARE WORTH MORE THAN HORSES.
WHAT-- RACE HORSES?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ANYWAY, HE SAYS TIGERS ARE LIKE THE MOST IN VALUELESS--
I CHECK IT OUT. HE'S RIGHT.
"NATIONAL GEOGRAPHICA" SAYS THE BENGAL TIGER
LIKE THE ONE WE GOT IS LIKE PRICELESS.
IF IT'S SO PRICELESS, HOW COME YOU CAN'T SELL IT
OR THIS GUY FROM BUFFALO?
ONE-- YOU CAN'T SELL A TIGER IN BUFFALO.
IT ISN'T LIKE INTERNATIONAL ENOUGH.
AND THE ANSWER TO THE SECOND REASON IS
THAT NOBODY KNOWS WE GOT IT.
EXCEPT HIM WHO GAVE ME A DEAL FOR 10 GRAND.
THERE'S MORE, BUT I THINK IT'S JUST THESE TWO.
WELL, THE THING TO DO IS TO STAY RELAXED.
ARE YOU NUTS?
IF THE GUY WE RAN OVER DIES,
WE'LL GET CHARGED WITH MURDER.
THE GUY'S A DRUG DEALER.
THEY'RE GOING TO NAME A SUBWAY AFTER US.
WE GOT A COP WHO CAN IDENTIFY US.
A GUY OWES ME A FAVOR.
- WHO? - YOU. I'LL TELL AYOU SOMETHING
THAT WILL MAKE YOU A VALUABLE MAN.
YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT EXPLOSIVES?
WE GOT A HORSE HERE
ON 73rd AND 2nd.
THERE'S NO POLICE DEPARTMENT BRAND HERE.
MUST BE CIVILIAN.
SEND OUT THE ANIMAL TRUCK.
IT'S NOT A COP HORSE.
SOMEBODY MUST'VE RENTED IT AT THE PARK,
GOT HAMMERED, AND LEFT HIM THERE.
( whinnies )
COME ON, BOY.
( whinnies )
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY, HORSE, COME BACK.
HEY, HORSE!
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
COME ON, HORSE! WHOA!
WE CHECK WITH THE BRONX ZOO, THE METROPOLITAN ZOO,
THE CIRCUS-- EVERYBODY. NOBODY'S MISSING A TIGER.
WE KNOW.
NOT LOCALLY, ANYWAY.
WANT SOME? THE GRAVY'S NOT HALF BAD.
I SEE.
LAST CHANCE.
I'LL RISK IT.
- SURE? - POSITIVE.
WELLINGTON, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
HERE?
YEAH.
- EATING. - I KNOW THAT.
I MEAN, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
YOU MEAN, ME AND YOU.
EXACTLY.
WE'RE GOING OVER A CASE. WE'RE PARTNERS.
NO. WE'RE NOT PARTNERS.
I'M YOUR SUPERVISOR.
YOU THINK I'M MAKING A RUN AT YOU?
YEAH.
THAT'S WHY YOU GOT SO DRESSED UP.
I DIDN'T GET DRESSED UP.
RIGHT.
THIS IS STRICTLY POLICE BUSINESS.
THEN WHY WEAR YOUR STRING TIE AND STETSON?
THIS IS THEY WAY I DRESS.
ALL THE TIME?
COWBOYS DON'T DO IT WITH THEIR BOOTS ON.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PULL OUT A GUITAR, ARE YOU?
NO. I WANTED TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD A GAL BOSS BEFORE.
GAL?
THAT'S WHAT WE CALL THEM IN MONTANA.
HERE WE CALL THEM LIEUTENANT.
RIGHT. WE WENT THROUGH THAT.
I KNOW.
- I'LL GET IT. - I'LL GET IT.
NO. I ASKED YOU.
I'M YOUR BOSS.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
THROW OUT SOME FINGERS.
WHAT?
TRY TO GUESS HOW MANY.
YOU MEAN ONE MORE?
RIGHT. YOU READY? COME ON.
GET SET...
BOO! BROOKLYN PSYCHE.
WHOO!
HA!
THAT'S RIGHT.
SORRY.
WE'LL... DO IT AGAIN.
OK.
READY...
SET...
- PEAS! - FIVE.
I WON.
HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY?
I'M A NEW YORKER, DUMMY.
YEAH.
HEY, UH, YOU OFFICER WELLINGTON?
YEAH.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOUR HORSE.
HE WENT ON A LITTLE SHOPPING SPREE.
AAH!
OH!
AAH!
AAH!
( whispers ) HONEY.
- HONEY. HONEY! - WHAT?
- THERE'S A HORSE HERE. - THAT'S NICE.
IN THE STORE.
MUST BE SOME KIND OF SALES PROMOTION. RELAX.
WHAT?
LOOK OUT! WHERE IS HE?
THE DESIGNER SALON.
- THE WHAT? - WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR.
NICE HORSEY.
( whinnies )
( whinnies )
COME ON, MR. ED, GIVE ME A BREAK.
HEY, MISTER!
HELP ME!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. EASY, BLAZE.
EASY. EASY.
EASY, NOW. EASY.
HE'S GOT RABIES OR SOMETHING. HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME.
NO, HE'S NOT.
I LIVE IN NEW YORK. I KNOW WHEN SOMEONE'S TRYING TO KILL ME.
BLAZE HERE THINKS YOU'RE A BABY CALF HE'S CUTTING OUT OF THE HERD.
WHY?
HE WANTS TO BRAND YOU.
OH.
( whinnies )
YES. DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.
HE LIKES GIRL HORSES.
HE LOOKS STUNNING IN LACE. IT'S ON SALE.
THERE WE GO.
HAPPY TRAILS, MA'AM.
OY.
Woman: RIDE 'EM, COWBOY.
I THINK THIS'LL LOOK A LITTLE BIT BETTER ON YOU.
OH, THAT'S SWEET.
HOW ABOUT A LIFT HOME, LIEUTENANT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WE COULD ALWAYS GO TO "THE NUTCRACKER." I HEAR YOU LOVE BALLET.
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE BALLET IN MY WHOLE LIFE...
BUT I'LL BUY YOU A BEER.
ALL RIGHT.
( applause )
Woman: YEAH, GET ALONG.
THANKS A LOT FOR SHOPPING WITH US TODAY.
MY GOD. I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
MAYBE THEY WON'T KNOW IT'S YOUR FATHER.
HERE'S OUR ADDRESS. THEY THINK HE'S A HERO.
HE IS.
"TONY THE TIGER TURNS MANHATTAN INTO A ZOO"?
HE'S ON SOME STUPID HORSE.
THE KIDS AT SCHOOL ARE GONNA HARASS ME.
WHO'S GOING TO HARASS WHO?
THE WHOLE WORLD. YOUR PICTURE'S IN THE PAPER.
YEAH. NOT BAD, HUH?
NOT BAD? I HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- IT'S HUMILIATING. - NO. HUMILIATING IS AME IN THE PAPER
FOR MURDERING MY SMART-MOUTH DAUGHTER.
- THAT'S HUMILIATING. - YOU TWO CUT IT OUT.
IF I WAS A ROCK STAR, MY PICTURE WOULD BE EVERYWHERE.
IF YOU WERE A ROCK STAR, THE WORLD WOULD BE DEAF.
I'M CHECKING THE CLOSETS!
ANYTHING ABOVE YOUR KNEES, I USE TO WASH THE CAR!
- LEAVE HER ALONE. - "LEAVE HER ALONE"?
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO, "HEY, POP, YOUR PICTURE'S IN THE PAPER.
CONGRATULATIONS."
HEY, POP, YOUR PICTURE'S IN THE PAPER.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU KNOW, I LOVE THIS FAMILY.
TONY, ARE YOU IN DANGER?
I DON'T LIKE THEY HAVEN'T CAUGHT THESE GUYS.
YOU THINK I'D LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO ME?
WHO WOULD YOU EAT BREAKFAST WITH? COME HERE.
HEY, I'M ONLY 13.
WOULD YOU MIND NOT EXPOSING ME TO THIS?
YOU SURE THESE ARE OUR KIDS?
UH-UH.
( humming )
( chuckles )
( hums )
( engine struggling )
COME ON, BABY.
( engine backfires )
COME ON, SWEETHEART. COME ON, ONE MORE TIME.
COME ON. YOU CAN DO IT.
COME ON. THAT'S IT.
A LITTLE MORE. GET THERE, BABY. COME ON.
OOH, YEAH. COME ON.
YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT, BABY! COME ON!
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! OOH, YEAH, BABY!
COME ON, YEAH! GO, BABY!
GO! GO!
GOOD GOD, TONY, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
( coughing )
I DON'T KNOW... BUT I MIGHT BE PREGNANT.
Man: THEY SAID THEY WERE GOING TO UPSTATE VERMONT.
- Woman: JAMES, TOO? - YEAH.
AAH! HEY, HE STOLE MY NECKLACE!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
HE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!
SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS.
THIS WAY!
KEEP GOING!
OH, NO!
( roars )
NO! STAY! HEY!
AAH! AAH! AAH!
AAH!
I'M HERE. I'M SORRY.
SOME BANANA TOOK A BUS HOSTAGE
IN THE HOLLAND TUNNEL.
TRAFFIC'S BACKED UP TO JERSEY.
HERE'S YOUR COPY. LET'S GO.
( siren wailing )
GO.
THIS IS HOLLY HARTLEY IN CENTRAL PARK.
A WOMAN JOGGER'S JUST BEEN ROBBED BY A MAN
WHO WAS REPORTEDLY JUST ATTACKED BY A TIGER.
A TIGER? IS THIS A JOKE?
READ THE COPY, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?
LET'S DO IT AGAIN.
THIS BETTER NOT BE A JOKE.
AND...GO.
THIS IS HOLLY HARTLEY IN CENTRAL PARK.
A woman jogger's just been robbed by a man
who was reportedly just attacked by a tiger.
Thanks, Holly. Stay with us. We'll be back.
THERE IT IS, NICK. CENTRAL PARK. LET'S GO.
LET'S NOT DO THIS.
THEN FRONT ME THE 10 MARKS FOR THE FREAKING CAT.
ARE YOU SURE THAT'S HIM?
HE WAS LIKE AN INCH AWAY. I'M POSITIVE.
ARE YOU COMING DOWN?
NO WAY, MAN.
UP TO YOU, PAL. YOU ARE UNDER ARREST.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU
IN A COURT OF LAW.
All: IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD AN ATTORNEY,
ONE WILL BE APPOINTED TO YOU.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS?
YEAH, YEAH.
OK, OK. NOW, JUST TAKE IT EASY.
THE TIGER'S LEFT. IT'S SAFE FOR YOU TO COME DOWN.
AYEAH, YOU SAY IT'S SAFE! ANOTHING JUST ATE YOUR PANTS OFF!
WE HAVE SHARPSHOOTERS SCANNING THE AREA.
YOU'LL BE JUST FINE.
I AIN'T COMING DOWN TILL THAT PUSSYCAT'S IN A CAGE.
HEY! WHY NOT JUST LET THE TIGER EAT HIM?
All: YEAH!
IF I'M UNDER ARREST,
IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT ME.
OK, OK. YOU'RE PROTECTED.
I GET EATEN, I'M SUING!
( all booing )
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OK?
I'M GREAT, NO KIDDING. THIS IS SOME DAY!
FIRST I'M BLOWN UP,
NOW WE'RE AFTER THIS TIGER
THAT'S BEEN LUNCHING ON MUGGERS? WHY US?
BECAUSE IT'S EASIER TO FIND A TIGER ON HORSEBACK.
I THOUGHT TIGERS EAT HORSES.
THAT'S WHY IT'S EASIER.
HEY, WELLINGTON, INSTEAD OF THIS, FOR OUR NEXT ACT,
LET'S LIGHT OURSELVES ON FIRE.
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
STAY TOGETHER. KEEP IT UP.
KEEP IT UP. COME ON, OFFICER.
WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEMONSTRATE.
15 MINUTES, THE S.W.A.T TEAM'S MOVING IN ON THAT TIGER.
WE HAVE TO KEEP THESE ANIMAL RIGHTS GUYS OFF OUR BACK.
WE CAN'T KILL HIM.
THIS ISN'T "BORN FREE," ATORRES.
THESE LIVE NEWSCASTS ARE DRAWING PEOPLE
LIKE FLIES TO A PUKE PARTY.
THAT'S IT! COME ON!
KEEP MOVING BACK!
WHAT'S THE PLAN?
WE GOT IT COVERED HERE, WELLINGTON.
YOU AND SPAMPATTA GO JOIN THE REST OF OUR UNIT.
THAT'S MY FIRST BREAK.
YOU HUNTED MUCH, CAPTAIN?
WHITE-TAILED DEER, WELLINGTON. EVERY OCTOBER.
BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WHITE-TAILED DEER AND A BENGAL TIGER.
COOL IT, WELLINGTON. HE'S THE BOSS.
PREY IS PREY, WELLINGTON.
AND THAT TIGER HEAD'S GOING TO LOOK GOOD
HANGING OVER MY DESK.
NOT WHEN HE WAKES UP.
THAT'S A TRANQUILIZER GUN.
NO. THIS IS WHAT'S KEEPING THE ANIMAL ACTIVISTS
OUT OF MY FACE.
BUT IN 15 MINUTES,
ALL THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE.
CAPTAIN, DON'T GET ME WRONG,
BUT BIG CATS LIKE TO FEED ON LIVE PREY.
THEY ENJOY CHEWING ON STUFF THAT'S STILL MOVING.
- THAT SO? - YEAH.
SOMETHING ABOUT THE TASTE OF WARM BLOOD.
BUT WHITE-TAILED DEER CAN BE DANGEROUS TOO.
HIT ONE AT NIGHT, AND SMASH YOUR HEADLIGHTS.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HUNTING CATS?
I HUNTED MOUNTAIN LIONS IN MONTANA ON OUR RANCH.
THIS IS GREAT. GREAT.
- THAT SO? - YEAH.
USED TO EAT THE LIVESTOCK UP LIKE CHOCOLATES.
RIGHT. OK, WELLINGTON.
YOU GOT 15 MINUTES.
THEN IT'S MY TURN.
I'M GOING.
AFRAID NOT, MISSY. I'M GOING ALONE.
MISSY?
CHOCOLATES.
HEY, BWANA.
I THINK THE TIGER WENT THAT WAY.
I KNEW THAT.
YEAH? THEN HOW COME YOU'RE HEADING TOWARD THE PLAZA?
I'M GOING WITH YOU.
WAIT. I CAN DO THIS ALONE.
YOU GO IN CENTRAL PARK ALONE,
THEY'LL FIND YOU IN TWO WEEKS
WITH NO SHOES ON AND A CUP IN YOUR HAND.
ANYWAY, YOU NEED THE BAIT, RIGHT?
GO GET HIM!
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S NOT GOOD.
OH, GREAT. WHAT?
SHH! IS THERE A PUBLIC JOHN AROUND?
YEAH. OVER THERE.
TELL THEM THEY GOT A BUSTED SEWER PIPE LEAKING. YUCK.
DID MOUNTAIN LIONS REALLY USED TO EAT
YOUR GRANDFATHER'S LIVESTOCK?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW? HE WORKED FOR A BANK.
- WHAT ABOUT HIS RANCH? - I WAS LYING.
- YOU WERE LYING? - YEAH.
THIS IS FUN, ISN'T IT?
NO, THIS ISN'T FUN. THIS IS DUMB.
YOU WERE LYING.
( growls )
SO HOW MUCH TIME WE GOT LEFT?
NOT ENOUGH.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MISS
AND HE RUNS AT US?
FIRST, I'D TAKE OFF MY BOOTS TO RUN BETTER.
SMART GUY, YOU THINK YOU'LL OUTRUN A TIGER?
I DON'T HAVE TO. I JUST HAVE TO OUTRUN YOU.
THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?
GOOD, 'CAUSE WHILE YOU'RE RUNNING, I'LL BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT.
TONY, HE'S AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.
WHEN HE'S RUNNING AT ME,
I'M THE ENDANGERED SPECIES, OK?
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NOW?
ISN'T THAT THE VAN THAT TRIED TO RUN US DOWN THE OTHER DAY?
YEAH.
HURRY, MICKEY.
( growls )
EASY, EASY.
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S A GIRL.
RUN INTO THE VAN. MAKE HIM CHASE YOU.
MAKE HIM CHASE YOU, NICKY!
MAKE HIM CHASE YOU.
I DON'T WANT IT!
MAKE HIM CHASE YOU.
MAKE HIM CHASE YOU.
GO INTO THE VAN NOW!
WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING?
FORGET THAT. HOW DO THEY KEEP SCORE?
- RUN INTO THE VAN. AMAKE HIM CHASE YOU. - MAKE HIM CHASE YOU!
Mickey: KEEP IT DOWN.
- MAKE HIM CHASE YOU. - I DON'T WANT TO.
NICK, GET IN THE VAN.
PUT THAT THING AWAY BEFORE YOU SHOOT YOURSELF
IN THE FOOT AND GO TO SLEEP FOR TWO MONTHS.
- Mickey: DON'T PLAY AROUND. - I DON'T WANNA, MICKEY!
- GO IN THE VAN! - I DON'T WANT IT!
GET IN THE VAN!
( clothes ripping )
AAH!
( roars )
GREAT PLAN, MICKEY. GREAT PLAN.
LET'S GO, STEVE.
COME ON, STEVE.
COME ON, STEVE.
WHOA!
TONY, WOULD YOU HURRY UP AND GET OUT OF THERE
AND STOP MESSING AROUND?
WE GOT TO CATCH THESE GUYS.
I DID IT ON PURPOSE, WELLINGTON.
IT WAS A FULL-HORSE GAINER.
YOU OK?
YEAH, I'M BEAUTIFUL.
COME ON, COME ON, QUIT SCREWING AROUND. LET'S GO!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
THEY'RE STILL THERE!
I CAN SEE, I CAN SEE!
( horn honks )
( whinnies )
OH, MAN, WE LOST THEM!
THANK GOD. I'M CARSICK.
YOU CAN'T GET CARSICK ON A HORSE.
OK. HOOF AND MOUTH, WHATEVER.
LET'S GO.
LET'S WAIT FOR SOME BACKUP.
YOU WAIT FOR SOME BACKUP.
YOU'RE A REAL WISE GUY, WELLINGTON.
EVER THINK THAT A PARTNERSHIP IS A DEMOCRACY?
DID YOU?
COME ON.
HEY, HEY, WELLINGTON. OH...
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, BABY.
THAT'S IT.
HOLD ON, BABY.
THAT'S IT. THERE WE GO.
( roars )
YO! YO!
( roars )
WHOA, WHOA. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
IN THERE.
YEAH, YEAH.
( growls )
( whinnies )
AW, NO.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHOA! EASY, EASY!
EASY, EASY!
MAN!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NOW?
LOOKS LIKE THE TENNESSEE WALTZ.
WHAT ARE YOU, THE WILDERNESS COMEDIAN?
HOLY! YOU SEE THAT?
OF COURSE I SAW IT!
LET'S GO!
COME ON.
LET'S GO, STEVE!
HALT! POLICE!
STOP! HALT!
WILL YOU HALT ALREADY?
STOP! HEY!
HEY!
COME ON! OH, NO! STEVE, HEY!
STEVE! HALT! HALT!
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! NO, NOT NOW.
LEAVE THE HOT DOGS. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS. COME ON, LET'S GO!
STOP!
LET'S GO, STEVE. HI-HO, STEVE! LET'S GO!
HI-HO, STEVERINO!
ALL RIGHT, STEVIE!
ATTABOY, STEVE.
STOP! HALT!
HALT!
WILL YOU HALT ALREADY?
( whinnies )
STOP! POLICE!
HALT!
WILL YOU HALT ALREADY? HEY!
SLOW DOWN!
OK, STEVERINO, COME ON, MAN.
WE'RE ON OUR OWN, PAL.
WHOA, STEVE.
STEVE, WHOA.
SLOW DOWN, STEVE! HEY!
AAH! STOP!
WHOA, STEVE! STEVE, TAKE IT EASY!
WHOA! STEVE!
STEVE, STOP!
WHOA!
NO!
OW! OW! OW!
NOT THE WATER AGAIN! PULL ME UP, STEVE!
OH, STEVE! STEVE, BACK UP, PLEASE!
BACK UP!
STEVE!
OH-- HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE!
HEY, YOU! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
STEVE, PLEASE, BACK UP!
OH, YEAH! THAT'S IT, STEVE!
BACK UP! GOOD BOY, STEVE!
KEEP BACKING UP! GOOD BOY, STEVE!
THAT'S IT! ALL RIGHT, STEVE!
YES!
OH...
OHH.
THANKS, STEVE. I OWE YOU ONE.
( whinnies )
FREEZE! POLICE!
GO AHEAD! MAKE A MOVE, AND YOU MAKE MY DAY.
( roars )
( roars )
HEY, GET OUT OF HERE! HEY! HELP!
BOO! GET OUT OF HERE!
YO! HEY! HELP!
HEY! HELP ME! HELP! HELP!
HEY! YO! SHOOT HIM!
SHOOT HIM! COME ON!
GO! GO! HEY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHOOT HIM! YOU GOT A GUN. DO SOMETHING!
UH... GOOD.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE MY FIRST COLLAR IN NEW YORK CITY.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
I'M THE GOOD HORSE FAIRY.
YOU KNOW, BLAZE,
I THINK WE'RE GOING TO LIKE IT HERE.
( whinnies )
I REALLY DO.
THAT WAS A HECK OF A COLLAR, WELLINGTON.
THANK YOU, SIR.
NO, IT WAS MORE THAN THAT.
IT WAS A HELL OF A COLLAR.
WELCOME TO THE MOUNTED DIVISION, COWBOY.
ALL DUE RESPECT TO BUFFALO BILL, WHAT ABOUT ME?
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT HIM.
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
- ME TOO, BUT IT'S TRUE. - THANK YOU, MR. MAGNANIMOUS.
WANT ALL THE CREDIT?
- NO, JUST HALF. - YOU GOT HALF.
- THANK YOU. - I TELL YOU WHAT, SPAMPATTA,
YOU'RE STILL ON PROBATION,
BUT I'LL ASSIGN YOU A NEW MOUNT.
DORIS, ASSIGN SPAMPATTA ANOTHER HORSE.
SO, UH, WHAT HAPPENS TO STEVE?
DOG FOOD.
( Steve whinnies )
- DOG FOOD? - DOG FOOD.
WELL, YOU'RE A SWEET GAL, LIEUTENANT.
THIS HORSE IS UP FOR ROTATION. IT'S PROCEDURE.
DID YOU GROW UP FLUSHING GOLDFISH DOWN THE TOILET?
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MY HORSE,
MY PAL, A MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
BESIDES, HE SAVED MY LIFE.
WE'LL GET YOU A GOOD HORSE. JUST RELAX.
I DON'T WANT TO RELAX. I WANT THIS HORSE--
STEVERINO.
HUH? HIM AND ME,
WE GET ALONG LIKE ME AND MY WIFE.
YES, SIR, STEVE.
I AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE WITHOUT HIM.
ALL RIGHT, GIDDYUP, STEVE.
( whinnies )
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. GIDDYUP.
ANYTIME. GIDDYUP.
COME ON, STEVE, LET'S GO.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH HIM, EITHER.
DON'T LOOK AT ME. HE'S YOUR PARTNER.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- NOTHING, OK? - COME ON, STEVE.
CAPTAIN.
CARRY ON, WELLINGTON.
ARE YOU READY?
JUST GO, PLEASE. JUST GO.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, STEVE.
- HEY, WELLINGTON, AYOU HUNGRY? - NOPE.
I KNOW THIS PLACE MAKES AN OUTSTANDING PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
I TOLD YOU I DON'T LIKE PASTRAMI.
"I DON'T LIKE PASTRAMI."
SO YOU CAN WATCH ME EAT.
HEY, WELLINGTON, YOU BOWL?
( chuckles )
( laughs )
COME ON.
( whinnies )
STATE OF MONTANA'S DIVORCE COURT
IS NOW IN SESSION.
WELLINGTON VS. WELLINGTON.
JUDGE BLACKBURN PRESIDING.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MISS?
CAN WE GET YOU SOMETHING?
NO, THANK YOU.
I'LL BE FINE.
OH. YOU KNOW I WANTED THIS TO WORK,
DON'T YOU, MAMA?
I KNOW, DEAR. OF COURSE.
I REALLY, REALLY DID.
SHE LOOKS PRETTY UPSET, LUCKY.
YEAH, THE LAST TIME DONNA CRIED LIKE THAT
- WAS WHEN HENRY DIED. - HENRY?
OUR PUPPY. SHE HAD HIM PUT TO SLEEP FOR PEEING ON THE CARPET.
MY WIFE WANTED TO DO THAT TO ONE OF OUR KIDS.
I LIKE YOUR WIFE.
GOOD. I'M PUTTING HER UP ON WAIVERS.
THIS COURT DECREES THAT THE PROPERTY RESULTING
FROM THE DISSOLUTION OF THE MARRIAGE
BETWEEN DONNA LEE WELLINGTON
AND OFFICER LONNIE "LUCKY" WELLINGTON,
WILL BE AWARDED AS FOLLOWS--
HOLD ON, COWBOY. WE'RE RIDING THIS ONE WITHOUT A SADDLE.
THAT'S REASSURING, HUNT. THANKS.
1987 CORVETTE CONVERTIBLE...
DONNA WELLINGTON.
MATCHING PAIR OF 100cc HONDA MOTOR SCOOTERS--
DONNA WELLINGTON.
ONE CHRIS-CRAFT WATER-SKI BOAT,
ONE MACKINTOSH STEREO AMPLIFIER,
TURNTABLE AND TUNER AND ALL ALBUMS AND CDs--
DONNA WELLINGTON.
THE RESIDENCE COHABITED DURING THE MARRIAGE,
LOCATED AT 209 HAMILTON DRIVE,
INCLUDING ALL RUGS, APPLIANCES, LAMPS, AND FIXTURES...
DONNA WELLINGTON.
AHunt: I'M AFRAID WE GOT KILLED.
WE?
OK, YOU.
HEY, LUCKY, EVER THINK OF CHANGING YOUR NAME?
- NOT LATELY. - MAYBE YOU SHOULD.
IT'S THE DISCRETION OF THIS COURT
AND MY EXPERIENCE IN THESE MATTERS
THAT THE ANTIQUE INLAID SILVER SADDLE
ALLEGEDLY OWNED BY THE FAMOUS COWBOY KIT CARSON,
VALUED AT $5,000,
AND THE PRIZE-WINNING CUTTING HORSE KNOWN AS BLAZE,
VALUED AT $100,000,
SHALL REMAIN SOLELY OWNED BY MR. LONNIE WELLINGTON.
THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED.
WHAT THE HELL, HE GETS THE HORSE?
MRS. WELLINGTON, YOU ARE IN A COURT OF LAW.
RELAX. WE'LL APPEAL.
IT'S THE ONLY THING WORTH MONEY--
AND THAT STUPID SADDLE.
WE KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT SADDLE.
WE APOLOGIZE TO THE COURT.
MY DECISION STANDS, MRS. WELLINGTON.
PLEASE... CALL ME DONNA.
HUNT, WE BEEN FRIENDS
SINCE YOU PROSECUTED MY FIRST ARREST,
BUT YOU ARE THE WORST DIVORCE ATTORNEY
I HAVE EVER READ ABOUT, HEARD ABOUT OR EVEN SEEN.
I'M NOT A DIVORCE ATTORNEY, I'M ASSISTANT D.A.
YOU WERE SHOPPING FOR A DEAL. I GAVE YOU A DEAL.
I SHOULD'VE GIVEN MY WIFE A MASK AND GUN.
EX-WIFE. AYOU'RE OVERREACTING.
I WAS RUN OVER BY THE WHEELS OF JUSTICE.
- DON'T TELL ME AI'M OVERREACTING. - YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
- I AM NOT! - YES, YOU ARE!
THIS IS NOT OVERREACTING, HUNT.
THIS IS OVERREACTING.
NO... THAT'S CRAZY.
NO, HUNT. THIS IS CRAZY.
AAH!
IT'S ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.
HE'S PART INDIAN. IT'S A CHEROKEE DIVORCE DANCE.
VERY TRADITIONAL.
WILL YOU TAKE IT EASY?
DON'T TELL ME TO TAKE IT EASY!
I JUST GAVE A WOMAN I HATE A HOUSE!
- YOU DON'T THINK AI'M DOING THE RIGHT THING? - NOPE.
- WHAT WOULD YOU DO? - I WOULDN'T LEAVE TOWN.
SHE EVEN GOT MY ALBUM COLLECTION.
SOME COLLECTION-- A BOOTLEG COPY
OF WAYLON JENNINGS LIVE AT THE PALOMINO
AND AN 8-TRACK TAPE OF GENE AUTRY
APOLOGIZING TO THE ANGELS FANS
FOR NOT WINNING THE WORLD SERIES?
LOOK AT THE UPSIDE. YOU GOT TO KEEP BLAZE.
WHAT GOOD'S A $100,000 HORSE I CAN'T SELL?
IT'D BE LIKE SELLING MY KID.
CUT THE MELODRAMA. YOU DON'T HAVE A KID.
I'M LUCKY SHE DIDN'T GET KIT CARSON'S SADDLE.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS KIT CARSON'S SADDLE.
THE HELL IT'S NOT. I PAID FIVE GRAND FOR IT.
NO, YOU GOT TOOK. THERE'S THIS GUY
WHO SELLS THEM IN FLEA MARKETS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
I THINK THEY MAKE THEM IN KOREA.
THEY USE THE LEATHER THEY CAN'T MAKE INTO BASEBALL GLOVES.
STOP TRYING TO CHEER ME UP.
I PUT IN SEVEN YEARS ON THE POLICE FORCE.
I HAD A GOOD LIFE, RODE IN SOME RODEOS.
THERE'S NO RODEOS IN NEW YORK CITY.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ON LONG ENOUGH TO WIN, ANYWAY.
THE LAST MONEY I WON I SPENT ON THAT SADDLE.
GOOD INVESTMENT. NO DOUBT.
I'LL TAKE UP BOWLING LIKE MOST COPS.
YEAH, MAYBE GO PRO,
THEN YOU CAN BUY ARCHIE BUNKER'S BALL.
YOU'RE A COWBOY, AND COWBOYS LIKE SMOKEY POOLROOMS
AND CLEAR MOUNTAIN MORNINGS.
THEY HATE BOWLING.
IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON, HUNT, OKAY?
THIS TOWN AIN'T BIG ENOUGH?
DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE A GARY COOPER MOVIE.
GIVE ME ONE REASON YOU'RE LEAVING.
I'LL BE TRANSFERRING INTO THE NEW YORK POLICE DEPARTMENT
MAKING 32,5 A YEAR. THAT'S A TON OF MONEY.
I'LL LIVE LIKE A KING.
YOU'LL GET KILLED IN NEW YORK.
IN A MACY'S DAY PARADE? I'M MOUNTED DIVISION.
THOSE GUYS RIDE AROUND CARRYING FLAGS,
WAVING AT THE MAYOR.
WHY IS THE MAYOR RIDING AROUND IN A BULLETPROOF FLOAT?
MAYBE THEY LIKE HIM.
( Blaze neighs )
( car alarm chirps )
LUCKY, OF ALL THE CARS YOU'VE HAD,
I THINK THAT ONE WAS MY FAVORITE.
THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT, HUNT.
( engine starts )
DONNA, MAY I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
WHAT?
I KNOW THIS WAS HARD FOR BOTH OF US,
AND... I DO WANT YOU TO KNOW I WANTED IT TO WORK OUT.
IT DID.
PUPPY KILLER!
( horn honks )
( barks )
YOU WANT TO MAKE ROAD PIZZA HERE?
PUT HIM ON A LEASH!
WHOA!
( honks )
ADispatcher: Spampatta-- Spampatta, where are you?
GIVE ME THE ADDRESS! YOU GOT THE ADDRESS YET?
2227 West 47th. E.D.P. Please respond.
WHAT KIND OF E.D.P.?
I'M NOT GONNA WALK INTO SOME PSYCHO WITH A CHAIN SAW, AM I?
I DON'T DO CHAIN SAWS,
NOT SINCE PARKER LOST HIS EAR.
That's an E.D.P, Spampatta, not a psycho.
Emotionally Disturbed Person is what we call them.
YOU CAN CALL THEM GROOVY TUESDAYS.
IF SOMEBODY'S SWINGING A CHAIN SAW,
I'M STAYING IN THE CAR.
E.D.P. is a jumper.
Black female, answers to Diana Ross.
- ANSWERS TO WHO? - Subject is--
- ANSWERS TO WHAT? - Diana Ross.
OF THE SUPREMES?
No, of the lunatics. She thinks she's Diana Ross.
READ MY FILE. I'M A TONY BENNETT FAN.
The subject is on the seventh floor fire escape.
I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.
She's yours, Spampatta.
HEY, LISTEN! OH, MAN.
I GOT TO TRANSFER OUT OF THIS DIVISION.
DIANA ROSS?
♪ STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART ♪
♪ STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART ♪
♪ THINK IT OVER ♪
♪ THINK IT OVER... ♪
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
WE'RE ALL NEW YORKERS. WE'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.
YOU GOING TO GET HER?
NOT UNLESS I HAVE TO. ANYBODY KNOW THIS LADY?
Woman: SHE'S A BUN GIRL AT NATHAN'S--
- CONEY ISLAND AOR TIMES SQUARE? - TIMES SQUARE.
I THINK I KNOW HER.
SHE CHANGED JOBS. SHE'S A SUPREME.
DIANA ROSS LEFT THE SUPREMES.
GUESS WHAT? THAT AIN'T DIANA ROSS.
SHE'S GOT GREAT LEGS.
HER BRAIN AIN'T TOO HOT.
YOU GOING TO GET HER?
WHO DO I LOOK LIKE, BERRY GORDY?
- IT'S YOUR JOB. - WHO ARE YOU, MY BOSS?
I'M A TAXPAYER.
YOU GO UP THERE, YOU GET HER DOWN,
NEXT YEAR YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ANY TAXES.
WE GOT A COWARD COP!
HE'S GOING TO LET THE GIRL JUMP!
SHE'S NOT GONNA JUMP! SHE'S DIANA ROSS, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
YOU'D GO UP THERE IF IT WAS A DUNKIN' DONUT.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.
BROOKLYN HEIGHTS-- I FELL OFF A GARAGE WHEN I WAS A KID.
♪ I'VE EVEN SEEN HER MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE ♪
- ♪ BUT DOES AHER SWEET EXPRESSION... ♪ - ( crowd singing )
TAKE IT EASY, DIANA.
YOU GOT A LOT OF FANS DOWN HERE.
♪ THIS TIME BEFORE YOU RUN TO HER... ♪
SOMEBODY CALL THE MAYOR!
THE MAYOR, RIGHT.
MAYBE HE'LL GO UP AFTER THIS FRUITCAKE.
♪ STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART ♪
♪ STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART ♪
♪ THINK IT OVER ♪
♪ THINK IT OVER ♪
♪ STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART ♪
♪ THINK IT OVER ♪
THAT'S SOME ACT, MISS ROSS.
EVER THINK ABOUT TAKING IT TO AN ASYLUM?
DO YOU HAVE A BACKSTAGE PASS?
NO, I'M A FAN.
HOW HIGH UP DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
WOULD YOU GET OUT OF HERE?!
DIANA, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I HAVEN'T HAD A HIT SONG IN FIVE YEARS.
YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW MICHAEL JACKSON PERSONALLY.
ANY IDEA WHAT THE HEIGHT IS?
I'M 6'1". HOW CAN I DO PAULA ABDUL?
THAT'S WHO THEY WANT NOW.
SHE CAN'T EVEN SING.
SHE'S A LAKER GIRL, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
TAKE IT EASY, DIANA.
YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE THAT JOB AT NATHAN'S.
THEY'D MISS YOU.
ONE OF YOUR CUSTOMERS IS NUTS ABOUT YOUR LEGS.
OH, REALLY?
WHICH ONE?
YOO-HOO!
( applause, boos )
IF YOU SHAVED THEM, IT MIGHT MAKE A BETTER IMPRESSION.
♪ AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH... ♪
WHAT'S THIS, A NOVENA? IT'LL MAKE A MESS.
♪ AIN'T NO RIVER WIDE ENOUGH ♪
♪ TO KEEP ME FROM YOU ♪
SPAMPATTA...
OH, MY GOD!
HEY, CUT IT--
OH, NO! OH, MY GOD!
WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?
COME ON! LOOK OUT!
WOULD YOU STOP IT ALREADY?
OH, GOD!
HOLY COW!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
MISS ROSS HAS LEFT THE AUDITORIUM.
YOU PEOPLE ARE GREAT.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
THIS IS OFFICER SPAMPATTA HERE.
THIS IS AN OFFICIAL REQUEST FOR A TRANSFER.
I WANT THE HELL OUT OF THIS DIVISION!
This is Sick Nick.
I'll be talking through this smog.
Everybody breathe through a comb, ok?
The phone lines are open.
It's time for Naked Phone Call!
Welcome to Naked Phone Call. You're on the air.
This is Ill Will from White Plains.
- Hello, Will. You naked? - As naked as my wife on our honeymoon.
- What's your wife's name? - Hank.
- Where did you meet? - In prison.
You are ill, aren't you, Will?
♪ I'm not one for livin' in my head ♪
♪ Things I should be doing ♪
♪ All the things should have said ♪
♪ AND I DON'T WORRY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ I'M DOIN' THE BEST I CAN. ♪
( whistling )
OH, HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
YOU THINK I'M GOING TO RIDE A HORSE IN A TUXEDO?
WHY NOT? YOU LEARNED HOW TO BE A HORSE'S ASS IN ONE AT OUR WEDDING.
BLAME UNCLE GUIDO AND HIS HOMEMADE AMARETTO.
THAT WAS 20 WONDERFUL YEARS AGO.
- YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED ATO EAT THAT. - THAT'S HOT.
- SEE? GOD PUNISHED YOU. - TRY HE'S BLESSING ME.
MUST BE ALL THOSE NOVENAS YOU DRAG ME TO.
THIS TRANSFER WILL BE LIKE A PAID VACATION.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU WON'T DO REGULAR POLICE WORK IN THE MOUNTED?
WHEN HAVE YOU HEARD OF A HORSE COP
KILLED OR WOUNDED IN THE LINE OF DUTY?
NEVER, THAT'S WHEN.
OH, ALL THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE NOW.
OH, ALL THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE NOW.
YOU DRAW TROUBLE LIKE MY SISTER DRAWS LOSERS.
YOUR SISTER'S A LOSER.
YEAH, WELL, YOU SHOULD'VE MARRIED HER.
YOU'D HAVE MADE A LOVELY COUPLE.
THIS WILL BE THE BEST YET.
THIS WILL BE LIKE WHEN YOU JOINED THE SERVICE.
"I GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT. I JOIN THE 3-YEAR PLAN,
I GET A PASS ON 'NAM."
NEXT, YOU'RE GETTING SHOT AT IN RICE PADDIES.
HERE COMES THE BLITZ.
THEN YOU JOIN THE POLICE FORCE.
"I'VE GOT IT FIXED FOR RECORDS.
NOBODY GETS SHOT IN RECORDS."
YOU END UP IN THE MANHATTAN 1st.
YOU GET SHOT AT MORE THAN THE WAR.
IN THE MOUNTED, YOU'LL GET HOOF AND MOUTH. THEY'LL HAVE TO SHOOT YOU.
RELAX. HUMAN ANIMALS CAN'T GET HOOF AND MOUTH.
ANYWAYS, THIS IS PERFECT. I CAN'T EVEN RIDE.
HEY, WHOA!
STOP RIGHT THERE, YOUNG LADY.
COME HERE.
LET ME GUESS. YOU'RE INVENTING A NEW SPORT.
I INVENT YOU'RE GROUNDED THIS WEEKEND?
YOUR FATHER'S MAKING A CAREER CHANGE.
TO AN ASTRONAUT FROM THE PLANET WHERE PARENTS EMBARRASS CHILDREN?
DON'T GET SMART.
TURN AROUND.
YOU HAPPY?
LIFT YOUR SKIRT.
MA, DAD'S A PERVERT.
DON'T CALL YOUR FATHER THAT.
LIFT!
I CAN HAVE SOCIAL SERVICES IN FOR THIS.
START LIFTING.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
LIFT!
NO 15-YEAR-OLD OF...
"MINE IS GOING OUT WEARING THAT."
UPSTAIRS, NOW!
GESTAPO!
SEE IF THE GESTAPO PUTS A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD.
I'LL GIVE YOU GESTAPO.
YOU WANT OUR DAUGHTER DRESSING LIKE A HOOKER?
WHEN WE MET AT THE C.Y.O. DANCE, WHAT WAS I WEARING?
SISTER MARY OF SORROWS, A RED VINYL MINI.
YOU WANT ANGELA DOING WHAT WE DID?
HEY, DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK, MISTER.
YOUR PARENTS ARE HUMAN TOO.
HARD TO CONCEPTUALIZE.
GROOVY SHOES, DAD.
I GOT TO GO.
YOU STILL PLAYING THAT THING?
THAT THING IS AN ELECTRONIC FLUTE.
BOYS DON'T PLAY THE FLUTE.
EVER HEARD OF JETHRO TULL?
OK, SO ONE GUY.
SO LONG, HUMANS.
WHY DO YOU DO THAT?
YOU LOVE THAT HE PLAYS AN INSTRUMENT.
SURE I DO. IF HE KNOWS THAT, HE'LL STOP.
HE'S A SPAMPATTA. WE'RE ALL HARDHEADS.
YOU AND DAD WENT AT IT BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED?
WEIRD.
IT ONLY GOT WEIRD AFTER WE WERE MARRIED.
HEY, DID YOU TAKE THAT OFF?
I THOUGHT WILL ROGERS HAD TRIGGER STUFFED.
HE DID. THIS MUST BE A KNOCK-OFF.
YOU GOT MUD GUARDS FOR THAT THING?
FUR TO WRAP AROUND THE REAR VIEW MIRROR?
IT'S AN ANTIQUE.
IT WAS KIT CARSON'S. IT'S WORTH 5 GRAND.
YOU GOT TOOK.
THERE'S A GUY THAT SELLS THEM AT FLEA MARKETS.
IT'S A DIFFERENT GUY.
ANYWAY, IT AIN'T REGULATION.
WE'RE NOT EITHER. HE'S A RODEO HORSE.
WHAT ARE YOU?
I'M A ROPER. LONNIE WELLINGTON.
OH, THE NEW GUY. JERRY BRIGGS.
I MEANT THE BOSS WON'T GO FOR THIS SADDLE.
HE BETTER. IT'S THE ONLY SADDLE BLAZE WILL RIDE.
THAT'S A HELL OF A HORSE.
( neighs )
WHOA. EASY. EASY, EASY, EASY, EASY.
WHAT IS HE, HALF POODLE?
HE'S NOT USED TO STRANGE PEOPLE YET.
THE HORSE DON'T LIKE STRANGE PEOPLE.
IN NEW YORK?
HE'LL GET THE HANG OF IT.
I'M GETTING THE HANG OF THIS. I'M DOING BETTER.
I'M DOING BETTER. LOOK. I'M DOING BETTER.
YEAH, A REGULAR WILLIE THE SHOE.
YEAH, THIS IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
SO WHAT'S HIS NAME?
HE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME.
EVERYBODY'S GOT A NAME.
HE'S NOT AN EVERYBODY, TONY. HE'S A HORSE. NYPD NUMBER 9-2-5,
BUT WE JUST CALL HIM THE HORSE FROM HELL.
WHAT? YOU CALL HIM WHAT?
RELAX, IT'S JUST A NICKNAME.
- WHY IS IT A NICKNAME? - WOULD YOU FORGET ABOUT IT?
- I'M LETTING GO NOW. - DON'T LET GO OF THE ROPE.
I'M GONNA LET GO, TONY. I'M LETTING GO, TONY.
DON'T LET GO, MIKEY.
I'M LETTING GO, TONY.
YOU DON'T LET GO ON THE HORSE FROM HELL.
FORGET ABOUT IT! I'M LETTIN' GO.
WE'RE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
DON'T FALL IN LOVE. HE'S MENTAL.
NO, MIKEY.
NO, NO, NO. COME ON.
MY HORSE IS AN E.D.P.
THAT'S GREAT.
WHAT'S HE DOING, MIKEY?
HE'S WALKING.
IT FEELS LIKE HE'S NOT WALKING.
HE'S WALKING, TONY.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
HEY, I'M RIDING HERE.
NUDGE HIM WITH YOUR HEELS.
- NO. - YES.
- NO. - YES!
- HARDER. - WHY? HE'S STARTING ATO LIKE ME.
HE HATES YOU, TONY. JUST NUDGE HIM. HARDER.
HOW HARD? I DON'T WANT TO END UP IN QUEENS.
JUST DO IT!
WHAT ARE YOU, A BALLET DANCER?
WHOA! WHOA!
COMING THROUGH!
NOW HE'S GONE CRAZY ON ME!
SETTLE DOWN! HEY!
( neigh )
DON'T GET OFF. YOU'LL SPOOK HIM.
HOLY CHRISTMAS!
WHOA! WHOA!
GET OUT. YOU'RE SCARING THE HORSE!
SIT STILL!
HALT! POLICE! FREEZE!
OH! WHOA! WHOA!
WHOA!
RUNAWAY HORSE!
COME ON!
( "William Tell Overture" playing )
HEY, MAN!
COME ON! STOP! STOP ALREADY!
LOOK OUT! HELP!
STOP, HORSE! STOP!
( honks )
THAT'S ENOUGH! CUT IT OUT, HORSE!
RUNAWAY HORSE!
OH!
LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT!
LOOK OUT!
HEY!
HEY, HEY!
WHOA!
COME ON, HORSE.
STOP! WILL YOU PLEASE STOP?
JUST SLOW DOWN!
HEY!
CLEAR THE BRIDGE! POLICE BUSINESS!
HEY! YOU CRAZY OR SOMETHING?
MAN, I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR BUTT!
GET OUT OF HERE!
STOP YANKING ON HIS MANE!
STOP SCARING MY HORSE!
STOP YANKING HIS MANE!
I WILL! STOP SCARING HIM!
GET HIS HEAD DOWN! HE'LL STOP RUNNING!
YOU'RE FREAKING HIM OUT!
PULL BACK ON THE REINS!
WHAT ARE YOU, AN EXPERT?
NO. I'M THE GOOD HORSE FAIRY!
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET ON THE BACK OF MY HORSE!
KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME, WILL YOU?
HOLY CHRISTMAS IN CLEVELAND!
CALL MY WIFE!
TELL HER I'M SORRY ABOUT THE STRIPPER
AT HER BROTHER'S STAG PARTY!
IT WAS THE ONLY TIME, HONEST!
NO, HORSE! NO! THIS IS AN ORDER! STOP!
NOT THE WATER! NO!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TEAM YOU'RE ON, PAL,
BUT I HOPE YOU WIN.
YOU WANT I ARREST YOU RIGHT HERE, COWBOY?
OK, FREEZE, BOTH OF YOU GUYS.
THE HORSE TOO.
COOL IT, ANDERSON.
IT'S ME-- SPAMPATTA.
AND WHO'S THAT, THE LONE RANGER?
NO. THAT'S THE GOOD HORSE FAIRY,
HE'S THE HORSE FROM HELL,
AND I'M A HORSE'S ASS.
YOU COULD'VE KILLED YOURSELF.
- I COULD'VE KILLED MYSELF? - YEAH.
YOU MIGHT BE THE HORSE MEISTER OR SOMETHING,
BUT NEXT TIME, DON'T SCARE MY MOUNT.
SCARE HIM? MAYBE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE,
BUT I SAVED YOUR LIFE.
I DON'T KNOW YOU,
SO DON'T SAVE MY LIFE, OK?
YOU RAN MY HORSE INTO THAT POND.
THEY'LL PROBABLY DOCK MY PAY
TO PUMP OUT HIS LUNGS.
THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A STUNT YOU PULLED.
IT WASN'T A STUNT.
MALIA WAS TEACHING ME TO RIDE.
HE NUDGED THE HORSE.
SPAMPATTA.
THE HORSE WENT COMPLETELY NUTSO,
BUT I CALMED HIM DOWN--
SPAMPATTA!
- YES, SIR? - SHUT UP.
YES, SIR.
SO YOU'RE THE COWBOY THAT'S TRANSFERRING INTO MY UNIT?
YES, SIR.
YOU MAKE SOME ENTRANCE.
SORRY, BUT WHEN I SAW--
- WELLINGTON? - SIR?
YOU CAN SHUT UP TOO.
YOU LIKE THIS DESK?
SIR?
THIS DESK-- DO YOU LIKE IT?
- IT'S A LOVELY DESK. - SHUT UP, SPAMPATTA.
I FIGURED THAT A MAN LIKE YOU MIGHT LIKE A DESK LIKE THIS.
- DO YOU? - YES, SIR.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S A LOVELY DESK, SIR?
WRONG. IT'S A FAMOUS DESK.
I CAN SEE THAT.
IT'S FROM OUT WEST.
YOU KNOW WHO OWNED IT?
SOMEONE FROM OUT WEST, SIR.
OH, THAT'S BRILLIANT.
SHUT UP, SPAMPATTA.
GENERAL GEORGE CUSTER OWNED THIS DESK.
PROBABLY PUT HIS FEET ON IT,
ATE HIS LUNCH, MAYBE EVEN WROTE TO LINCOLN ON IT.
IT'S CLEAR THAT THIS DESK
IS STEEPED IN HISTORY, SIR.
YOU HAVE ANY ANTIQUES, WELLINGTON?
I OWN KIT CARSON'S SADDLE.
NO, YOU DON'T. A GUY SELLS THOSE
AT FLEA MARKETS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
THIS IS SOME FILE, COWBOY.
YOU GOT A POLICE SERVICE MEDAL
FOR TAKING THREE SLUGS AND PULLING A WIFE AND CHILD
OUT OF A POTENTIAL MURDER-SUICIDE.
YOU'RE LUCKY TO BE ALIVE.
THAT'S HOW I GOT MY NAME, SIR.
"LUCKY." IT'S MY NICKNAME.
YEAH? MINE'S TONY THE HAM.
I LIKE A COP THAT'S BEEN SHOT.
GIVES HIM A CERTAIN PERSPECTIVE.
LAW ENFORCEMENT IS AN ART FORM, WELLINGTON.
YOUR SERVICE REVOLVER IS THE BRUSH,
AND THE STREET IS THE CANVAS.
WELL, I'LL TRY NOT TO SPILL ANY PAINT ON MYSELF, SIR.
WAS THAT A WISECRACK?
- NO, SIR. - IT WAS A WISECRACK.
IT WAS NOT A WISECRACK.
PERSONALLY, SIR, IT WAS A WISECRACK, BUT I COULD BE WRONG.
SECURE THE SCHMOOZE, SPAMPATTA.
DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE GETTING INTO THIS OUTFIT?
BECAUSE I COLLECT ANTIQUES?
BECAUSE YOU GOT YOUR OWN HORSE AND KNOW HOW TO RIDE.
IT COSTS A FORTUNE TO TRAIN THESE MOUNTS
FOR COPS WHO COULDN'T STEER A GOAT.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MY HORSE FROM HELL--
WHENEVER AN INCIDENT HAPPENS--
A CITIZEN GETS RUN DOWN BY OUR HORSES,
SOME DIGNITARY'S WIFE PUTS HER FERRAGAMO
INTO ONE OF OUR FAMOUS HOT DEPOSITS,
OR A COUPLE OF OFFICERS GO STEEPLE-CHASING
OVER PRETZEL STANDS AND TAXICABS
RIGHT INTO THE CENTRAL PARK POND,
I START HEARING WORDS LIKE ARCHAIC,
COSSACKS,
F-TROOP. I HATE THAT.
THE MOUNTED DIVISION IS UNDER THE CLOSEST SCRUTINY
OF ANY DIVISION.
WE'VE GOT TO JAM UP AND JELLY TIGHT.
( rubbing sound )
ALL RIGHT.
WELLINGTON, I WANT YOU TO TEACH SPAMPATTA
EVERYTHING HE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT HORSES.
EXCUSE ME, SIR?
IN OTHER WORDS, TEACH JINGLES HERE HOW TO RIDE.
SPAMPATTA, TEACH WELLINGTON
TO BE A NEW YORK COP.
IS THAT A GOOD IDEA? I'M SO NEW--
AND WE CAN'T STAND EACH OTHER?
I THINK IT'S A MARRIAGE MADE IN HEAVEN.
TERRIFIC.
I'M NOT WILD ABOUT IT EITHER, COWBOY.
SIR, COULD WE MAYBE--
SPAMPATTA, YOUR REPUTATION AS A HUMP BUSTER PRECEDES YOU.
BUT I DON'T CARE THAT YOU WERE SOME HOTSHOT.
SCREW UP HERE AND YOU'LL BE RETIRED TOMORROW ON HALF PAY.
HE'S A SCREW-UP, WELLINGTON.
TRY NOT TO LET HIM GET YOU KILLED.
SIR, I WAS JUST WONDERING
WHEN I MIGHT BE ASSIGNED A PERMANENT HORSE?
YOU KNOW, A REGULAR MOUNT, SIR?
DON'T YOU HAVE A HORSE, SPAMPATTA?
YEAH, HERE IT IS RIGHT HERE--
NYPD NUMBER 925.
BETTER KNOWN AS THE HORSE FROM HELL, I BELIEVE.
LIEUTENANT TORRES WILL GIVE YOU
THE RUNDOWN FROM HERE.
TORRES IS A TOUGH COP,
SO WATCH YOUR MOUTH. DISMISSED.
WHAT'S WITH HIM?
BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
WHO'S LIEUTENANT TORRES?
DON'T ASK ME, PAL.
I BEAT YOU INTO THIS OUTFIT BY 15 MINUTES.
"JAM UP AND JELLY TIGHT."
YOU KNOW, MICKEY,
PARTNERS STAY UP FRONT WITH EACH OTHER.
WHO'S NOT BEING UP FRONT, ME?
NO, NOBODY, THAT'S WHO.
NICKY, DON'T I ALWAYS TELL YOU WHAT'S UP?
YEAH. SO, WHAT'S UP?
NOTHING'S UP. NOT YET IT ISN'T.
YOU GOT ME TO WELD A CHAIN LINK FENCE IN MY COUSIN'S VAN.
MICKEY, I ONLY TOLD HIM WE WERE MOVING A COUCH.
I'LL TELL YOU WHEN SOMETHING COMES UP, OK?
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE WE'RE PARTNERS, NICKY.
BECAUSE WE'RE PARTNERS IS WHY.
THIS WILL BE GOOD FOR US, WON'T IT?
GOOD FOR US? THIS WILL PUT US ON TOP.
UP WHERE PEOPLE, LIKE, NOTICE.
IN PLACES WHERE THEY LET YOU SIGN FOR DRINKS
INSTEAD OF PAYING CASH LIKE SOME YIN-YANG FROM HACKENSACK.
I'M FROM HACKENSACK, MICKEY.
THAT'S MY POINT, NICK.
THAT'S MY POINT.
THERE IT IS.
THERE'S WHAT?
THE TRUCK. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE TRUCK.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
IT'S GOING TO MAKE US RICH
AND GET US KNOWN.
BY WHO, A JUNKMAN?
IT'S OLD. YOU GOING TO STEAL SOMETHING THAT OLD?
IT'S WHAT'S IN THE TRUCK THAT MATTERS.
WHAT'S IN IT?
A LOT WORTH SOMETHING.
YOU LEAVE SOMETHING WORTH A LOT
IN SOMETHING THAT'S WORTH SOMETHING,
IT AIN'T GOING TO HANG AROUND.
NOW DO WHAT I SAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GOING TO HIT YOU A COUPLE FLIES.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS FOR FATHER BATAGLIA'S LAWN FETE.
I WAS LYING.
WHAT'S IN THERE, MICKEY?
A FUR COAT, OK?
IT'S WORTH A FORTUNE.
WHEN I OPEN THESE DOORS,
HOLD IT OUT A SECOND,
THEN THROW IT INTO THE VAN, ALL RIGHT?
DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.
I'M TRYING TO MAKE YOU AN IMPORTANT MAN,
SO I DON'T NEED THAT LOOK RIGHT NOW.
GET IN HERE.
WHAT?
GET IN! ALL RIGHT, WHEN I COUNT 3. READY?
1...2...3.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
AN ENDANGERED SPECIES, NICKY.
YOU SAID IT WAS A FUR COAT. YOU LIED.
I DIDN'T LIE. THIS FUR COAT
HASN'T FINISHED ITS EVOLUTIONARY PROCESS.
I GET CAUGHT AND THE UNION FILES A GRIEVANCE,
IT'LL COST ME A DAY'S PAY.
A DAY'S PAY'S MY DUES.
THAT WAY, THE UNION GETS ME TO PAY TWICE.
THEY'RE HONORABLE MEN.
THEY GOT A BLACKSMITH'S UNION IN NEW YORK?
THEY GOT A UNION FOR EVERYBODY IN NEW YORK--
STREET MIMES, RUNAWAYS, PANHANDLERS, HOOKERS.
THEY HAVE HOOKER UNIONS?
WELLINGTON, YOU EVER THINK ABOUT BUYING A BRIDGE?
I'LL GET YOU A GOOD DEAL ON ONE NEAR BROOKLYN.
HEY, VALLEY JOE, IS THIS RIGHT?
IT'S VALLEJO.
YEAH? TAKE A SHOT AT SPAMPATTA.
IS THIS RIGHT, OR WHAT?
FOR YOU, NO. IT'S NOT BACKWARDS.
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA. THAT'S CUTE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, HORSE, JUST TAKE IT EASY.
THIS WON'T HURT YOU.
MAYBE YOU WANT COFFEE TO GO WITH THAT.
YECCHH.
AW, JEEZ.
I WAS A JUVENILE DELINQUENT BEFORE BLACKSMITH TRAINING.
WHY DID YOU PICK BLACKSMITHING?
BECAUSE THEY GOT A GREAT UNION.
I THOUGHT THIS OCCUPATION
WOULD LEAD DIRECTLY TO UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS.
WHO KNEW, RIGHT?
ANYBODY ASKS, I WENT TO STEAM CLEAN MY COFFEE CUP.
EXCUSE ME. WE HAVE SOMEONE TO SHOE THE HORSES.
COULD I SHOW YOU A BLACK PUMP WITH A LOW HEEL?
LOOK, THIS IS MY HORSE.
WE'RE NEW, AND HE'S A LITTLE NERVOUS.
THIS IS NEW YORK. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NERVOUS.
WHAT THE HELL'S THIS?
THAT'S FEED GRAIN, MA'AM.
IT'S NOT MA'AM, OFFICER.
IT'S LIEUTENANT TORRES. WHO ORDERED THIS?
I'M AFRAID I DID, SIR.
LIEUTENANT WILL BE FINE, OFFICER.
( speaking Spanish )
( speaking Spanish )
THIS YOUR HORSE?
YES, MA'AM-- UH, LIEUTENANT.
- DID HE WIN THE BELMONT? - NO.
- IS HE ON TELEVISION? - NO.
WAS HE THE FIRST HORSE IN SPACE?
NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF.
( speaking Spanish )
THIS MUST BE A VERY SPECIAL HORSE.
HE'S A MATRIMONIAL SOUVENIR.
SHE GOT THE HOUSE, I GOT THE HORSE. LONNIE WELLINGTON.
I KNOW. THE GOOD HORSE FAIRY.
STALL NUMBER 56.
SORRY, IT MUST BE YOUR PERFUME.
CERTAIN SMELLS, HE GOES NUTS.
I GOT THE SAME PROBLEM.
GET IT SORTED OUT.
WE GOT ENOUGH TROUBLE WITHOUT ANOTHER DUMB ANIMAL
WITH AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM.
OK, I'M GOING TO NEED A HOME TELEPHONE NUMBER
AND AN ADDRESS.
I, UH, DON'T HAVE ONE.
A TELEPHONE OR AN ADDRESS?
I DON'T HAVE BOTH.
YOU BED DOWN WITH YOUR HORSE IN CENTRAL PARK?
DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES.
NO, MA'AM-- LIEUTENANT.
AND I'M GETTING ME AN APARTMENT THIS AFTERNOON.
HOW HARD IS IT? FIVE MILLION PEOPLE LIVE HERE.
TRY 10.
SOMEBODY NEEDS A ROOMMATE.
WHERE YOU FROM AGAIN?
MONTANA.
WHAT YEAR?
YOU GOT TO KNOW SOMEBODY
TO GET A DECENT PLACE IN NEW YORK.
WELL, I KNOW YOU.
NOT QUITE, COWBOY.
FOLLOW ME.
I CAN'T SLEEP HERE. IT STINKS.
DON'T LET IT MAKE YOU GO NUTS.
DON'T TELL SMITHERS, OK?
THE GUY'S A RULES AND REGULATIONS FREAK.
PROBABLY MAKES HIS WIFE DRESS UP LIKE A CROSSING GUARD
AND JAYWALK ACROSS THE WATERBED.
YOU MAKE THIS UP OR HAVE IT WRITTEN DOWN?
I MAKE IT UP, BUT YOU CAN WRITE IT DOWN.
PUT YOUR NAME ON THE DEPARTMENT'S BULLETIN BOARD.
HALF THE COPS IN MANHATTAN
ARE GETTING DIVORCED OR MARRIED,
SO YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND A ROOMMATE.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
I DON'T NEED A ROOMMATE, THANKS.
I MEANT ARE YOU GETTING DIVORCED OR MARRIED?
OH. I'VE DONE BOTH.
I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT EITHER.
I'M GREAT AT IT.
WHICH?
BOTH.
YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.
BY NOT TELLING YOU,
I'M MAKING YOU AN IMPORTANT MAN.
I DON'T WANT TO BE IMPORTANT.
WHERE'D YOU GET THE TIGER?
YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
BY NOT TELLING YOU, I'M DOING YOU A FAVOR.
BY NOT TELLING ME,
I LOST A $200 SHIRT.
YOU GOT TO LEARN TO DRESS FOR WORK, NICK.
( roars )
AAH!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WAY I DRESS?
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE GOING DANCING.
WHAT THE--
NO!
ASpampatta: COME ON, GO! GO, GO, GO! COME ON!
I DON'T GET THIS.
YESTERDAY, HE'S THE HORSE FROM HELL.
TODAY, HE'S A GIANT DOORSTOP.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
COME ON, GO.
YOU GO FIRST, OK?
I DON'T KNOW THE STREETS.
I DIDN'T KNOW GEORGE BUSH, BUT I VOTED FOR HIM.
YOU'RE SURE?
WHAT'S THIS, A QUIZ? I'M POSITIVE.
I'M THINKING ABOUT YESTERDAY.
LEAVE THE THINKING UP TO ME.
I'LL CALL OUT DIRECTIONS LIKE A FIGHTER PLANE--
PILOT UP FRONT, NAVIGATOR IN BACK.
HOW LONG YOU RIDDEN HORSES?
OK, YESTERDAY I WAS A VIRGIN,
AND MY WIFE THINKS SHE MARRIED THIS PART HERE.
COME ON, LET'S GO, HORSE.
MOVE IT, WILL YOU?
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE HIM A NAME.
HORSES ARE VERY SENSITIVE.
SENSITIVE, ARE THEY?
HOW'S STEVE? IS THAT SENSITIVE ENOUGH FOR YOU?
( snort )
( snort )
STEVE?
YEAH, AS IN STEVE LAWRENCE, HUH?
WHAT'S THAT?
HEY, GREAT, STEVE.
WAY TO GO, PAL.
THERE WE GO. NOW WE'RE RIDING.
ATony: OKAY, OKAY. SLOW DOWN, WILL YOU?
- Lucky: HE'S JUST WALKING. - HE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE AHE'S JUST WALKING.
RELAX, TONY. HE'S JUST WALKING.
I HEARD THAT BEFORE.
CHECK OUT THE INFANTRY. WHAT A BUMMER JOB.
WORKS MUCH BETTER AT THIS ALTITUDE.
WE SHOULD BACK 'EM UP.
WE? YOU SPEAK FRENCH NOW?
WE'RE COPS, RIGHT? IT'S OUR JOB.
YOU WANT TO WASTE FOUR COPS ON A SINGLE COLLAR?
YOU GOT A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT THIS CITY.
WHAT IS OUR JOB?
OUR JOB? OUR GIG, SO TO SPEAK?
OUR LIFE'S WORK?
MOSTLY WE'RE LIKE SYMBOLS OF AUTHORITY,
LIKE THOSE GUARDS AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE
WITH THE GIANT FUR THINGS ON THEIR HEADS.
OR MAYBE THAT FAT SIXTH-GRADE HALL MONITOR
WHO'D POUND YOU IF YOU SMOKED IN THE CAN.
- YOU FOLLOWING ME? - NO.
NO? AOKAY. IN OTHER WORDS,
AS LONG AS OUR PRESENCE IS KNOWN TO THE POPULACE,
IT KEEPS CRIME DOWN. IT'S A SIMPLE CONCEPT.
SOUNDS MORE LIKE SHOW BUSINESS.
YEAH, YEAH, KIND OF.
EXACTLY. SHOW BUSINESS. YEAH.
- SAY, WELLINGTON. - WHAT?!
DON'T GET AN ATTITUDE.
- I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE. - THAT'S AN ATTITUDE.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW? - YOU'RE LIKE THIS GUY AON MY BOWLING TEAM.
HE GETS AN ATTITUDE WHENEVER HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING,
WHICH IS VERY OFTEN.
YOU'RE SAYING I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING?
DON'T GET PARANOID. LOOK, YOU HUNGRY?
NO.
FORGET ABOUT IT. I'M STARVED.
AMan: THAT'S TWO DOGS.
FOUR DOGS.
I WAS GOING TO SAY FOUR DOGS EVENTUALLY.
I WAS STARTING WITH TWO DOGS.
BOTH WITH MUSTARD, RELISH ONIONS AND CHILI SAUCE.
I WAS JUST CHECKING.
CHECKING I DON'T NEED.
THE OTHER TWO WITH MAYONNAISE.
IS THIS ATTITUDE DAY?
WHO'S SAYING ANYTHING?
YOU PUT MAYONNAISE ON THESE, YOU RUIN THEM.
HE'S FROM OUT OF TOWN.
MY SYMPATHIES.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
$3.00.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN $3.00?
FOR THE DOGS.
I DIDN'T WANT THEM.
I ORDERED THEM WITH MAYONNAISE.
WELL, I'M NOT PAYING.
YOU GOTTA. YOU EAT THEM, YOU PAY FOR THEM.
- I'M NOT PAYING. - YOU'RE PAYING FOR 'EM.
- NO! - YEAH!
NO!
ALL RIGHT.
HOW MANY FINGERS I GOT OUT?
FOUR.
BRILLIANT. YOU THROW OUT A COUPLE.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
JUST DO IT.
I FINALLY LET GO OF THAT HORSE'S MANE, DIDN'T I?
COME ON, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, NOW,
ALTOGETHER WITH YOUR FINGERS AND MINE,
HOW MANY FINGERS WE GOT?
EIGHT.
OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS.
NOW, EIGHT IS TOMATOES.
WHAT?
TOMATOES.
YOU KNOW, LIKE EIGHT GREAT TOMATOES
IN EVERY ITTY BITTY CAN?
LET'S GO-- FOR THE DOGS.
ONLY YOU GOT TO CALL IT FAST
AGAINST THE TOTAL NUMBER OF FINGERS.
HO, CINQUE!
MMM, BOOM-BA-BOOM!
WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?
I THREW 5 FINGERS, THEN I THREW 10.
I WIN.
WHO SAYS?
ME. YOU OWE ME THREE CLAMS FOR LUNCH.
WAIT. LET'S DO IT AGAIN.
WE JUST DID IT.
I WASN'T LOOKING, OK? LET'S GO.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
ALL RIGHT.
MINOR LEAGUE!
WHAT'S THAT?
THE BROOKLYN PSYCHE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
- SIX! - PEAS!
YOU OWE ME THREE BUCKS.
WHY? WAIT A MINUTE.
WE WERE BOTH WRONG.
I SAID SIX, AND YOU SAID PEAS,
AND IT WAS SEVEN.
YEAH, DUMMY. SEVEN PEAS TO A POD. I WIN.
GAMBLING'S AGAINST REGULATIONS.
I KNOW THAT, LIEUTENANT.
I WAS SHOWING WELLINGTON ONE OF MANY WAYS
THE UNSUSPECTING VISITOR MIGHT GET HUSTLED
ON THE STREETS OF MANHATTAN.
I WAS.
HOW YOU DOING?
GREAT, SIR.
I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT SIR THING, COWBOY.
YOU'RE STILL ON PROBATION,
SO TRY AND IMPRESS ME, OK?
YEAH, RIGHT HERE, LIEUTENANT.
WHAT'S UP WITH HER?
SHE'S A FRUSTRATED BALLET DANCER.
SHE CAN'T DO "THE NUTCRACKER SUITE,"
SO SHE TAKES IT OUT ON US.
SHE'S DOING A GREAT JOB.
SO HOW'S YOUR DOG?
GREAT. GLAD YOU GOT MAYONNAISE.
DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD, OK?
AW, JEEZ.
THE MAYONNAISE ADVANTAGE.
OH, YOU'RE A REAL FUNNY GUY, WELLINGTON.
A REGULAR BOB HOPE.
WHY DOES NEW YORK GET SUCH A BAD RAP?
IT'S A NICE ENOUGH TOWN.
( honks )
HEY, I'M EATING HERE, HUH?
YEAH, THE HORN WORKS.
HOW ABOUT THE DRIVER?
IT'S LIKE A POST-NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP NOW,
A TEST SITE FOR CRIME OR SOMETHING.
YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE HYPERCRITICAL.
HYPER WHAT? WE GOT SOME MORON
SHOOTS DARTS INTO LADIES' BUTTS.
THERE'S THIS FRUITCAKE KILLING PEOPLE
WHENEVER THE YANKEES LOSE BY MORE THAN TWO RUNS.
CALLS HIMSELF "THE DESIGNATED KILLER."
SOME LEAD-- HE'S AN AMERICAN LEAGUE FAN.
NOT TO MENTION THE WOMAN THAT SPITS ON PEOPLE
COMING OUT OF MASS AT ST. PAT'S.
SHE CALLS HERSELF THE SPITTING IMAGE OF JOAN OF ARC.
IF IT'S THAT BAD, WHY DON'T YOU MOVE?
WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS?
AND LEAVE NEW YORK?
THIS CITY'S GOT UPS AND DOWNS,
BUT L.A. AIN'T PERFECT, EITHER.
I MEAN, THEY GOT, WHAT,
SURFBOARD KILLERS OUT THERE
AND THE REAGANS.
BESIDES, I LOVE THE FOOD HERE.
ANYWHERE ELSE, THE PASTRAMI TASTES LIKE SPAM.
I HATE PASTRAMI.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
IN MONTANA, THE PASTRAMI IS LIKE CORNED BEEF.
THEY HAVEN'T SEASONED IT YET.
IF THEY'D SEASONED IT, I WOULD'VE HATED IT.
LET'S MAKE THIS EASY--
YOU ATE THEM DOGS WITH THE MAYONNAISE, RIGHT? HEY.
LOOKS LIKE WE GOT SOME UPS AND DOWNS.
WHERE?
RIGHT OVER THERE.
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.
ARE YOU BLIND? OVER THERE.
WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?
A CRIME IN PROGRESS.
ARE THESE GUYS CAMOUFLAGED?
YEAH, THE BAD GUYS HIDE BEHIND DUCK BLINDS.
WE SEND IN RETRIEVERS TO FLUSH THEM OUT.
SEE THE GUY IN THE COAT?
OH, OK. YEAH.
WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE TO YOU?
DIRT BAG.
GOOD. WHO'S HE TALKING TO?
ANOTHER GUY.
BRILLIANT. WHAT KIND OF GUY?
LOOKS LIKE A STOCKBROKER. HE'S DRESSED NICE.
WHEN A DIRT BAG TALKS TO A GUY IN A NICE SUIT,
ATHEY'RE NOT TALKING AABOUT THE KNICKS. CAPISCE?
WHO'S CAPISCE, THE DIRT BAG?
THE GUY IN THE COAT'S A DRUG DEALER.
OH, THE OTHER GUY'S CAPISCE.
FORGET ABOUT IT. FORGET ABOUT IT.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
COME ON, STEVE.
STEVE.
WOULD YOU GO, PLEASE?
COME ON!
HE'S NOT A GREYHOUND!
WE DON'T HAVE TO GO THIS FAST!
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.
MAN, THIS THING'S GOT LIKE ONLY TWO SPEEDS.
COMPLETELY STOPPED IS ONE,
AND KISS YOUR BUTT GOODBYE IS THE OTHER.
( whinnying )
WHOA. WHOA.
OH, THIS IS GREAT.
JUST STAY COOL.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
SOMETHING'S WRONG!
( roar )
- WHOA! - ( neighs )
HOLY MOLY! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
A TIGER. WHAT'S A TIGER DOING IN MANHATTAN?
ABOUT TO HAVE LUNCH.
LET'S GO.
FORGET IT.
THERE'S A LOOSE TIGER.
CALL THE SPCA. WE GOT ENOUGH TROUBLE WITH DRUG DEALERS.
COME ON.
YEAH-- WHOA!
WHOA! WHOA! COME ON, STEVE. WHOA!
READ MY FILE, WELLINGTON.
I DON'T DO TIGERS.
PSYCHOS AND TIGERS I DON'T DO.
HALT! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
GET DOWN!
WE'RE POLICE!
WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?
I WAS MAKING AN ARREST!
THIS AIN'T MONTANA, COWBOY.
I IDENTIFIED MYSELF.
THEY GOT A LOT OF RESPECT FOR THE LAW HERE.
COVER ME!
( gunshots )
NOW WHAT?
IDENTIFY YOURSELF AGAIN. HE LIKED THAT.
YOU OK?
LET'S GO.
WHAT IS THIS, A CAR POOL NOW?
THIS ISN'T A GOOD IDEA.
YOU WANT OUT, OPEN THE DOOR. THERE'S OUT AT 40.
STOP! POLICE!
YEAH, THAT WORKS AS GOOD AS LAST TIME. HEY.
HEY! HEY!
( honks )
AAH!
WHAT IS THIS?
NEW YORK CITY. LET'S GO.
( honks )
HEY, PAL, GET OUT OF THE ROAD!
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
COME ON, LOOK OUT!
LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT!
COME ON, COME ON.
THIS IS OFFICER SPAMPATTA.
WE GOT A MAN DOWN BY PARK ROAD AND BEEKMAN.
I NEED BACKUP AND AN AMBULANCE.
WELL, YOU CAN ARREST HIM NOW.
HE AIN'T GOING TO HURT ANYBODY.
Smithers: A TIGER?
YES, SIR.
YOU STICKING BY THAT?
ABSOLUTELY.
YOU'RE MAKING QUITE AN IMPRESSION, WELLINGTON.
THANKS, SIR.
IT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT, ACE.
HE DOESN'T NEED A RUBDOWN
FROM THE TEAM CLOWN, SPAMPATTA.
A TIGER.
A TIGER.
AND HE'S STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE TOO, SIR.
IT WAS A DARK ALLEY.
COULDN'T YOU HAVE MISTAKEN A LARGE DOG FOR A TIGER?
A 700-POUND DOG WITH TEETH THE SIZE OF AN EGGPLANT?
IT HAD STRIPES TOO.
MAYBE IT WAS A ZEBRA.
IT WAS A TIGER.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
IT WAS A TIGER.
SHUT UP. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU EITHER.
THIS ISN'T "CALVIN AND HOBBES."
I'M NOT SOME CARTOON KID TALKING ABOUT A FAKE TIGER.
WELLINGTON WAS ALMOST EATEN BY A REAL TIGER, OK?
IT WASN'T A STUFFED TIGER.
IT WASN'T ONE OF THOSE LITTLE GUYS ON SOMEBODY'S CAR WINDOW.
IT WAS A TIGER.
COOL IT.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, SPAMPATTA?A
ARE YOU LOOKING TO RIDE THE PSYCHIATRIC REVIEW BOARD
RIGHT INTO EARLY RETIREMENT?
I'M LOOKING TO GET THIS POLICE DEPARTMENT
ON TIGER PATROL BEFORE PEOPLE START CALLING IN
WITH LARGE PORTIONS OF THEIR FAMILIES MISSING.
( telephone rings )
SMITHERS.
YEAH.
AH. YES, SIR.
NO. NO QUESTION-- ABSOLUTELY.
I GOT A COUPLE OF MY MEN ON IT ALREADY.
MMM, YES.
APPARENTLY 700 POUNDS IS ABOUT RIGHT.
ABSOLUTELY, SIR. THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE WAY TO GO TO ME.
YEAH.
WE HAVE A TIGER ON THE LOOSE IN MANHATTAN, GENTLEMEN.
ANY THOUGHTS?
WOULD SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT I LOVE THIS CITY?
YOU TOLD ME IT WAS THE PASTRAMI.
OH, OK. BESIDES THE PASTRAMI.
SOUTH SIDE DIVISION
IS COORDINATING WITH THE 16th AND 17th PRECINCTS.
THEY HAVE A S.W.A.T. TEAM ON MOBILE.
911'S BEEN FIELDING ABOUT 10 CALLS AN HOUR.
EVERY NUT IN THE CITY'S BEEN SIGHTING EVERYTHING
FROM TIGERS TO RHINOS.
- WHAT HAVE YOU SIGHTED? - NOTHING YET.
HEADQUARTERS FIGURES THE BEST CHANCE
IS TO GET A SHOT AT THIS THING BEFORE NIGHT.
OTHERWISE, ALL UNITS REMAIN IN PLACE TILL MORNING.
WE WOULDN'T WANT TO MISTAKE THIS CAT FOR SOME...
RICH, 5th AVENUE DIVORCEE IN A FUR COAT.
BESIDES,
RICH DIVORCEES ARE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.
VERY QUICK, SIR.
HE'S MARRIED. I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO HIM LATER.
SO AM I.
CONGRATULATIONS.
WE GOT THE VAN'S LICENSE.
IT'S JERSEY. WE'RE CHECKING THEIR DMV.
- THAT'LL TAKE A WHILE. - Tony: HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
WE GIVE THEM THE JETS. THEY GIVE US A TIGER.
- YOU CAN I.D. THEM? - ABSOLUTELY.
OK. THEY CAN I.D. YOU TOO. BE CAREFUL.
I'M TOUCHED.
DON'T BE. I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HORSE.
TIGERS EAT HORSE MEAT.
BOY, THAT'S JUST TERRIFIC NEWS, CAPTAIN. THANKS.
ATorres: Hello?
IS THIS LIEUTENANT TORRES?
Who's this?
THIS IS THE GOOD HORSE FAIRY.
But when I grow up, I want to be a lion tamer.
THAT MIGHT TAKE AWHILE. HOW'D YOU GET MY NUMBER?
LOOKED IT UP. UNDER STONE-HEARTED WOMEN IN THE YELLOW PAGES.
SOUNDS LIKE A BIG JOB.
THERE WERE ONLY TWO NAMES--
YOURS AND LEONA HELMSLEY'S.
How about I explain this to you over a bite?
THERE'S THIS PLACE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...
LIFE CAFE. THE FOOD'S GREAT THERE.
SORRY. I DON'T THINK SO.
DON'T GET EXCITED. THIS ISN'T A SOCIAL CALL.
IT'S POLICE BUSINESS. YOU'RE MY SUPERIOR.
Meet me in an hour.
and try and remember everything you know about tigers.
SPARKY ANDERSON'S THE BEST MANAGER IN BASEBALL.
NOT DETROIT TIGERS, DOLL. BENGAL TIGERS.
THE KIND THAT EAT LITTLE GIRLS LIKE YOU.
( dial tone )
DOLL?
YO, JOHNNY. IT'S MICKEY.
YEAH. IS PAULEY THERE?
NO. WHAT ABOUT TONY?
HIM, TOO, HUH? WHAT ABOUT LOUIE?
WHAT? DID YOU TELL HIM IT WAS ME?
OH, THAT'S WHY.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT THIS, JOHN, BUT--
NO. THAT WASN'T--
IT WASN'T--
HEY, WHAT--
COME ON, INSULT YOU GUYS?
ME? I'M TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU.
NO, NO, NO. I REMEMBER.
YEAH, I ALMOST GOT FULL USE OF IT AGAIN.
THANKS FOR ASKING.
LOOK, TELL HIM NO HARD FEELINGS.
IN FACT, THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING YOU GUYS WITH THIS.
WHAT DO I GOT?
YOU'RE ASKING ME WHAT I GOT, JOHN?
I GOT A TIGER.
NO, IT'S NOT DEAD. WHY WOULD HE BE DEAD?
'CAUSE I'M A DEADBEAT. VERY FUNNY.
( dial tone )
HE HUNG UP.
THAT'S THE FIFTH GUY WHO'S HUNG UP ON ME.
THE MOB DOESN'T DEAL IN CONTRABAND NO MORE?
IT'S DRUGS AND SHOW BUSINESS NOW?
SOME MONEY, THEY FORGET THEIR ROOTS,
MOVIES INSTEAD OF THE VIGORISH.
- YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT. - HEY, WHO'S AN IDIOT?
ALL DUE RESPECT, BUT YOU'RE SELLING A TIGER YOU DON'T GOT
TO SOMEONE WHO DON'T WANT IT.
I'M TEEING THESE GUYS UP. I'M KEEPING THEM WARM,
SO WHEN I GET IT, I CAN CLOSE.
JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS THING, MICKEY.
- I CAN'T. - YES, YOU CAN.
UH, THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.
I DON'T KNOW. WHAT?
UH, LOAN SHARKING.
I'VE GOT TO SELL THE TIGER.
FIRST YOU GOTTA GET IT BACK AND YOU WON'T, SO FORGET IT.
I CAN'T FORGET.
I TOOK THE TIGER UNDER THE ARM.
YOU WHAT?
I TOOK IT UNDER THE ARM.
CONSIGNMENT?
YOU TOOK A FREAKIN' TIGER ON CONSIGNMENT, MICKEY?
FROM WHO? THE OLD GUY ON MUTUALLY'S OF OMAHA.
JUST SOME PART-TIME WISE GUY FROM BUFFALO,
WORKS AT THE ZOO THERE. I MET HIM THROUGH VINNIE'S COUSIN.
HE GETS AN INSIDE DEAL ON THE ELEPHANT FOOD OR SOMETHING.
YOU MEET HIM AT CARLA'S WEDDING?
YEAH.
I KNOW THE GUY.
YOU DON'T.
I THINK I DO.
YOU DON'T. HE'S FROM BUFFALO.
ANYWAY, HE WORKS AT THE ZOO.
SO WE GET TO TALKING.
HOW'S THE LIFE-- BLAH BLAH BLAH.
THE CONVERSATION GETS
TO HOW MUCH THESE ANIMALS IS WORTH.
HE SAYS SOME ARE WORTH MORE THAN HORSES.
WHAT-- RACE HORSES?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
ANYWAY, HE SAYS TIGERS ARE LIKE THE MOST IN VALUELESS--
I CHECK IT OUT. HE'S RIGHT.
"NATIONAL GEOGRAPHICA" SAYS THE BENGAL TIGER
LIKE THE ONE WE GOT IS LIKE PRICELESS.
IF IT'S SO PRICELESS, HOW COME YOU CAN'T SELL IT
OR THIS GUY FROM BUFFALO?
ONE-- YOU CAN'T SELL A TIGER IN BUFFALO.
IT ISN'T LIKE INTERNATIONAL ENOUGH.
AND THE ANSWER TO THE SECOND REASON IS
THAT NOBODY KNOWS WE GOT IT.
EXCEPT HIM WHO GAVE ME A DEAL FOR 10 GRAND.
THERE'S MORE, BUT I THINK IT'S JUST THESE TWO.
WELL, THE THING TO DO IS TO STAY RELAXED.
ARE YOU NUTS?
IF THE GUY WE RAN OVER DIES,
WE'LL GET CHARGED WITH MURDER.
THE GUY'S A DRUG DEALER.
THEY'RE GOING TO NAME A SUBWAY AFTER US.
WE GOT A COP WHO CAN IDENTIFY US.
A GUY OWES ME A FAVOR.
- WHO? - YOU. I'LL TELL AYOU SOMETHING
THAT WILL MAKE YOU A VALUABLE MAN.
YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT EXPLOSIVES?
WE GOT A HORSE HERE
ON 73rd AND 2nd.
THERE'S NO POLICE DEPARTMENT BRAND HERE.
MUST BE CIVILIAN.
SEND OUT THE ANIMAL TRUCK.
IT'S NOT A COP HORSE.
SOMEBODY MUST'VE RENTED IT AT THE PARK,
GOT HAMMERED, AND LEFT HIM THERE.
( whinnies )
COME ON, BOY.
( whinnies )
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY, HORSE, COME BACK.
HEY, HORSE!
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
COME ON, HORSE! WHOA!
WE CHECK WITH THE BRONX ZOO, THE METROPOLITAN ZOO,
THE CIRCUS-- EVERYBODY. NOBODY'S MISSING A TIGER.
WE KNOW.
NOT LOCALLY, ANYWAY.
WANT SOME? THE GRAVY'S NOT HALF BAD.
I SEE.
LAST CHANCE.
I'LL RISK IT.
- SURE? - POSITIVE.
WELLINGTON, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
HERE?
YEAH.
- EATING. - I KNOW THAT.
I MEAN, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
YOU MEAN, ME AND YOU.
EXACTLY.
WE'RE GOING OVER A CASE. WE'RE PARTNERS.
NO. WE'RE NOT PARTNERS.
I'M YOUR SUPERVISOR.
YOU THINK I'M MAKING A RUN AT YOU?
YEAH.
THAT'S WHY YOU GOT SO DRESSED UP.
I DIDN'T GET DRESSED UP.
RIGHT.
THIS IS STRICTLY POLICE BUSINESS.
THEN WHY WEAR YOUR STRING TIE AND STETSON?
THIS IS THEY WAY I DRESS.
ALL THE TIME?
COWBOYS DON'T DO IT WITH THEIR BOOTS ON.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PULL OUT A GUITAR, ARE YOU?
NO. I WANTED TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD A GAL BOSS BEFORE.
GAL?
THAT'S WHAT WE CALL THEM IN MONTANA.
HERE WE CALL THEM LIEUTENANT.
RIGHT. WE WENT THROUGH THAT.
I KNOW.
- I'LL GET IT. - I'LL GET IT.
NO. I ASKED YOU.
I'M YOUR BOSS.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
THROW OUT SOME FINGERS.
WHAT?
TRY TO GUESS HOW MANY.
YOU MEAN ONE MORE?
RIGHT. YOU READY? COME ON.
GET SET...
BOO! BROOKLYN PSYCHE.
WHOO!
HA!
THAT'S RIGHT.
SORRY.
WE'LL... DO IT AGAIN.
OK.
READY...
SET...
- PEAS! - FIVE.
I WON.
HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY?
I'M A NEW YORKER, DUMMY.
YEAH.
HEY, UH, YOU OFFICER WELLINGTON?
YEAH.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOUR HORSE.
HE WENT ON A LITTLE SHOPPING SPREE.
AAH!
OH!
AAH!
AAH!
( whispers ) HONEY.
- HONEY. HONEY! - WHAT?
- THERE'S A HORSE HERE. - THAT'S NICE.
IN THE STORE.
MUST BE SOME KIND OF SALES PROMOTION. RELAX.
WHAT?
LOOK OUT! WHERE IS HE?
THE DESIGNER SALON.
- THE WHAT? - WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR.
NICE HORSEY.
( whinnies )
( whinnies )
COME ON, MR. ED, GIVE ME A BREAK.
HEY, MISTER!
HELP ME!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. EASY, BLAZE.
EASY. EASY.
EASY, NOW. EASY.
HE'S GOT RABIES OR SOMETHING. HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME.
NO, HE'S NOT.
I LIVE IN NEW YORK. I KNOW WHEN SOMEONE'S TRYING TO KILL ME.
BLAZE HERE THINKS YOU'RE A BABY CALF HE'S CUTTING OUT OF THE HERD.
WHY?
HE WANTS TO BRAND YOU.
OH.
( whinnies )
YES. DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.
HE LIKES GIRL HORSES.
HE LOOKS STUNNING IN LACE. IT'S ON SALE.
THERE WE GO.
HAPPY TRAILS, MA'AM.
OY.
Woman: RIDE 'EM, COWBOY.
I THINK THIS'LL LOOK A LITTLE BIT BETTER ON YOU.
OH, THAT'S SWEET.
HOW ABOUT A LIFT HOME, LIEUTENANT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WE COULD ALWAYS GO TO "THE NUTCRACKER." I HEAR YOU LOVE BALLET.
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE BALLET IN MY WHOLE LIFE...
BUT I'LL BUY YOU A BEER.
ALL RIGHT.
( applause )
Woman: YEAH, GET ALONG.
THANKS A LOT FOR SHOPPING WITH US TODAY.
MY GOD. I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
MAYBE THEY WON'T KNOW IT'S YOUR FATHER.
HERE'S OUR ADDRESS. THEY THINK HE'S A HERO.
HE IS.
"TONY THE TIGER TURNS MANHATTAN INTO A ZOO"?
HE'S ON SOME STUPID HORSE.
THE KIDS AT SCHOOL ARE GONNA HARASS ME.
WHO'S GOING TO HARASS WHO?
THE WHOLE WORLD. YOUR PICTURE'S IN THE PAPER.
YEAH. NOT BAD, HUH?
NOT BAD? I HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- IT'S HUMILIATING. - NO. HUMILIATING IS AME IN THE PAPER
FOR MURDERING MY SMART-MOUTH DAUGHTER.
- THAT'S HUMILIATING. - YOU TWO CUT IT OUT.
IF I WAS A ROCK STAR, MY PICTURE WOULD BE EVERYWHERE.
IF YOU WERE A ROCK STAR, THE WORLD WOULD BE DEAF.
I'M CHECKING THE CLOSETS!
ANYTHING ABOVE YOUR KNEES, I USE TO WASH THE CAR!
- LEAVE HER ALONE. - "LEAVE HER ALONE"?
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO, "HEY, POP, YOUR PICTURE'S IN THE PAPER.
CONGRATULATIONS."
HEY, POP, YOUR PICTURE'S IN THE PAPER.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU KNOW, I LOVE THIS FAMILY.
TONY, ARE YOU IN DANGER?
I DON'T LIKE THEY HAVEN'T CAUGHT THESE GUYS.
YOU THINK I'D LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO ME?
WHO WOULD YOU EAT BREAKFAST WITH? COME HERE.
HEY, I'M ONLY 13.
WOULD YOU MIND NOT EXPOSING ME TO THIS?
YOU SURE THESE ARE OUR KIDS?
UH-UH.
( humming )
( chuckles )
( hums )
( engine struggling )
COME ON, BABY.
( engine backfires )
COME ON, SWEETHEART. COME ON, ONE MORE TIME.
COME ON. YOU CAN DO IT.
COME ON. THAT'S IT.
A LITTLE MORE. GET THERE, BABY. COME ON.
OOH, YEAH. COME ON.
YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT, BABY! COME ON!
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! OOH, YEAH, BABY!
COME ON, YEAH! GO, BABY!
GO! GO!
GOOD GOD, TONY, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
( coughing )
I DON'T KNOW... BUT I MIGHT BE PREGNANT.
Man: THEY SAID THEY WERE GOING TO UPSTATE VERMONT.
- Woman: JAMES, TOO? - YEAH.
AAH! HEY, HE STOLE MY NECKLACE!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
HE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!
SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS.
THIS WAY!
KEEP GOING!
OH, NO!
( roars )
NO! STAY! HEY!
AAH! AAH! AAH!
AAH!
I'M HERE. I'M SORRY.
SOME BANANA TOOK A BUS HOSTAGE
IN THE HOLLAND TUNNEL.
TRAFFIC'S BACKED UP TO JERSEY.
HERE'S YOUR COPY. LET'S GO.
( siren wailing )
GO.
THIS IS HOLLY HARTLEY IN CENTRAL PARK.
A WOMAN JOGGER'S JUST BEEN ROBBED BY A MAN
WHO WAS REPORTEDLY JUST ATTACKED BY A TIGER.
A TIGER? IS THIS A JOKE?
READ THE COPY, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?
LET'S DO IT AGAIN.
THIS BETTER NOT BE A JOKE.
AND...GO.
THIS IS HOLLY HARTLEY IN CENTRAL PARK.
A woman jogger's just been robbed by a man
who was reportedly just attacked by a tiger.
Thanks, Holly. Stay with us. We'll be back.
THERE IT IS, NICK. CENTRAL PARK. LET'S GO.
LET'S NOT DO THIS.
THEN FRONT ME THE 10 MARKS FOR THE FREAKING CAT.
ARE YOU SURE THAT'S HIM?
HE WAS LIKE AN INCH AWAY. I'M POSITIVE.
ARE YOU COMING DOWN?
NO WAY, MAN.
UP TO YOU, PAL. YOU ARE UNDER ARREST.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU
IN A COURT OF LAW.
All: IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD AN ATTORNEY,
ONE WILL BE APPOINTED TO YOU.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS?
YEAH, YEAH.
OK, OK. NOW, JUST TAKE IT EASY.
THE TIGER'S LEFT. IT'S SAFE FOR YOU TO COME DOWN.
AYEAH, YOU SAY IT'S SAFE! ANOTHING JUST ATE YOUR PANTS OFF!
WE HAVE SHARPSHOOTERS SCANNING THE AREA.
YOU'LL BE JUST FINE.
I AIN'T COMING DOWN TILL THAT PUSSYCAT'S IN A CAGE.
HEY! WHY NOT JUST LET THE TIGER EAT HIM?
All: YEAH!
IF I'M UNDER ARREST,
IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT ME.
OK, OK. YOU'RE PROTECTED.
I GET EATEN, I'M SUING!
( all booing )
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OK?
I'M GREAT, NO KIDDING. THIS IS SOME DAY!
FIRST I'M BLOWN UP,
NOW WE'RE AFTER THIS TIGER
THAT'S BEEN LUNCHING ON MUGGERS? WHY US?
BECAUSE IT'S EASIER TO FIND A TIGER ON HORSEBACK.
I THOUGHT TIGERS EAT HORSES.
THAT'S WHY IT'S EASIER.
HEY, WELLINGTON, INSTEAD OF THIS, FOR OUR NEXT ACT,
LET'S LIGHT OURSELVES ON FIRE.
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
STAY TOGETHER. KEEP IT UP.
KEEP IT UP. COME ON, OFFICER.
WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEMONSTRATE.
15 MINUTES, THE S.W.A.T TEAM'S MOVING IN ON THAT TIGER.
WE HAVE TO KEEP THESE ANIMAL RIGHTS GUYS OFF OUR BACK.
WE CAN'T KILL HIM.
THIS ISN'T "BORN FREE," ATORRES.
THESE LIVE NEWSCASTS ARE DRAWING PEOPLE
LIKE FLIES TO A PUKE PARTY.
THAT'S IT! COME ON!
KEEP MOVING BACK!
WHAT'S THE PLAN?
WE GOT IT COVERED HERE, WELLINGTON.
YOU AND SPAMPATTA GO JOIN THE REST OF OUR UNIT.
THAT'S MY FIRST BREAK.
YOU HUNTED MUCH, CAPTAIN?
WHITE-TAILED DEER, WELLINGTON. EVERY OCTOBER.
BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WHITE-TAILED DEER AND A BENGAL TIGER.
COOL IT, WELLINGTON. HE'S THE BOSS.
PREY IS PREY, WELLINGTON.
AND THAT TIGER HEAD'S GOING TO LOOK GOOD
HANGING OVER MY DESK.
NOT WHEN HE WAKES UP.
THAT'S A TRANQUILIZER GUN.
NO. THIS IS WHAT'S KEEPING THE ANIMAL ACTIVISTS
OUT OF MY FACE.
BUT IN 15 MINUTES,
ALL THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE.
CAPTAIN, DON'T GET ME WRONG,
BUT BIG CATS LIKE TO FEED ON LIVE PREY.
THEY ENJOY CHEWING ON STUFF THAT'S STILL MOVING.
- THAT SO? - YEAH.
SOMETHING ABOUT THE TASTE OF WARM BLOOD.
BUT WHITE-TAILED DEER CAN BE DANGEROUS TOO.
HIT ONE AT NIGHT, AND SMASH YOUR HEADLIGHTS.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HUNTING CATS?
I HUNTED MOUNTAIN LIONS IN MONTANA ON OUR RANCH.
THIS IS GREAT. GREAT.
- THAT SO? - YEAH.
USED TO EAT THE LIVESTOCK UP LIKE CHOCOLATES.
RIGHT. OK, WELLINGTON.
YOU GOT 15 MINUTES.
THEN IT'S MY TURN.
I'M GOING.
AFRAID NOT, MISSY. I'M GOING ALONE.
MISSY?
CHOCOLATES.
HEY, BWANA.
I THINK THE TIGER WENT THAT WAY.
I KNEW THAT.
YEAH? THEN HOW COME YOU'RE HEADING TOWARD THE PLAZA?
I'M GOING WITH YOU.
WAIT. I CAN DO THIS ALONE.
YOU GO IN CENTRAL PARK ALONE,
THEY'LL FIND YOU IN TWO WEEKS
WITH NO SHOES ON AND A CUP IN YOUR HAND.
ANYWAY, YOU NEED THE BAIT, RIGHT?
GO GET HIM!
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S NOT GOOD.
OH, GREAT. WHAT?
SHH! IS THERE A PUBLIC JOHN AROUND?
YEAH. OVER THERE.
TELL THEM THEY GOT A BUSTED SEWER PIPE LEAKING. YUCK.
DID MOUNTAIN LIONS REALLY USED TO EAT
YOUR GRANDFATHER'S LIVESTOCK?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW? HE WORKED FOR A BANK.
- WHAT ABOUT HIS RANCH? - I WAS LYING.
- YOU WERE LYING? - YEAH.
THIS IS FUN, ISN'T IT?
NO, THIS ISN'T FUN. THIS IS DUMB.
YOU WERE LYING.
( growls )
SO HOW MUCH TIME WE GOT LEFT?
NOT ENOUGH.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MISS
AND HE RUNS AT US?
FIRST, I'D TAKE OFF MY BOOTS TO RUN BETTER.
SMART GUY, YOU THINK YOU'LL OUTRUN A TIGER?
I DON'T HAVE TO. I JUST HAVE TO OUTRUN YOU.
THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?
GOOD, 'CAUSE WHILE YOU'RE RUNNING, I'LL BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT.
TONY, HE'S AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.
WHEN HE'S RUNNING AT ME,
I'M THE ENDANGERED SPECIES, OK?
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NOW?
ISN'T THAT THE VAN THAT TRIED TO RUN US DOWN THE OTHER DAY?
YEAH.
HURRY, MICKEY.
( growls )
EASY, EASY.
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S A GIRL.
RUN INTO THE VAN. MAKE HIM CHASE YOU.
MAKE HIM CHASE YOU, NICKY!
MAKE HIM CHASE YOU.
I DON'T WANT IT!
MAKE HIM CHASE YOU.
MAKE HIM CHASE YOU.
GO INTO THE VAN NOW!
WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING?
FORGET THAT. HOW DO THEY KEEP SCORE?
- RUN INTO THE VAN. AMAKE HIM CHASE YOU. - MAKE HIM CHASE YOU!
Mickey: KEEP IT DOWN.
- MAKE HIM CHASE YOU. - I DON'T WANT TO.
NICK, GET IN THE VAN.
PUT THAT THING AWAY BEFORE YOU SHOOT YOURSELF
IN THE FOOT AND GO TO SLEEP FOR TWO MONTHS.
- Mickey: DON'T PLAY AROUND. - I DON'T WANNA, MICKEY!
- GO IN THE VAN! - I DON'T WANT IT!
GET IN THE VAN!
( clothes ripping )
AAH!
( roars )
GREAT PLAN, MICKEY. GREAT PLAN.
LET'S GO, STEVE.
COME ON, STEVE.
COME ON, STEVE.
WHOA!
TONY, WOULD YOU HURRY UP AND GET OUT OF THERE
AND STOP MESSING AROUND?
WE GOT TO CATCH THESE GUYS.
I DID IT ON PURPOSE, WELLINGTON.
IT WAS A FULL-HORSE GAINER.
YOU OK?
YEAH, I'M BEAUTIFUL.
COME ON, COME ON, QUIT SCREWING AROUND. LET'S GO!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
THEY'RE STILL THERE!
I CAN SEE, I CAN SEE!
( horn honks )
( whinnies )
OH, MAN, WE LOST THEM!
THANK GOD. I'M CARSICK.
YOU CAN'T GET CARSICK ON A HORSE.
OK. HOOF AND MOUTH, WHATEVER.
LET'S GO.
LET'S WAIT FOR SOME BACKUP.
YOU WAIT FOR SOME BACKUP.
YOU'RE A REAL WISE GUY, WELLINGTON.
EVER THINK THAT A PARTNERSHIP IS A DEMOCRACY?
DID YOU?
COME ON.
HEY, HEY, WELLINGTON. OH...
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, BABY.
THAT'S IT.
HOLD ON, BABY.
THAT'S IT. THERE WE GO.
( roars )
YO! YO!
( roars )
WHOA, WHOA. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
IN THERE.
YEAH, YEAH.
( growls )
( whinnies )
AW, NO.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHOA! EASY, EASY!
EASY, EASY!
MAN!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NOW?
LOOKS LIKE THE TENNESSEE WALTZ.
WHAT ARE YOU, THE WILDERNESS COMEDIAN?
HOLY! YOU SEE THAT?
OF COURSE I SAW IT!
LET'S GO!
COME ON.
LET'S GO, STEVE!
HALT! POLICE!
STOP! HALT!
WILL YOU HALT ALREADY?
STOP! HEY!
HEY!
COME ON! OH, NO! STEVE, HEY!
STEVE! HALT! HALT!
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! NO, NOT NOW.
LEAVE THE HOT DOGS. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS. COME ON, LET'S GO!
STOP!
LET'S GO, STEVE. HI-HO, STEVE! LET'S GO!
HI-HO, STEVERINO!
ALL RIGHT, STEVIE!
ATTABOY, STEVE.
STOP! HALT!
HALT!
WILL YOU HALT ALREADY?
( whinnies )
STOP! POLICE!
HALT!
WILL YOU HALT ALREADY? HEY!
SLOW DOWN!
OK, STEVERINO, COME ON, MAN.
WE'RE ON OUR OWN, PAL.
WHOA, STEVE.
STEVE, WHOA.
SLOW DOWN, STEVE! HEY!
AAH! STOP!
WHOA, STEVE! STEVE, TAKE IT EASY!
WHOA! STEVE!
STEVE, STOP!
WHOA!
NO!
OW! OW! OW!
NOT THE WATER AGAIN! PULL ME UP, STEVE!
OH, STEVE! STEVE, BACK UP, PLEASE!
BACK UP!
STEVE!
OH-- HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE!
HEY, YOU! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
STEVE, PLEASE, BACK UP!
OH, YEAH! THAT'S IT, STEVE!
BACK UP! GOOD BOY, STEVE!
KEEP BACKING UP! GOOD BOY, STEVE!
THAT'S IT! ALL RIGHT, STEVE!
YES!
OH...
OHH.
THANKS, STEVE. I OWE YOU ONE.
( whinnies )
FREEZE! POLICE!
GO AHEAD! MAKE A MOVE, AND YOU MAKE MY DAY.
( roars )
( roars )
HEY, GET OUT OF HERE! HEY! HELP!
BOO! GET OUT OF HERE!
YO! HEY! HELP!
HEY! HELP ME! HELP! HELP!
HEY! YO! SHOOT HIM!
SHOOT HIM! COME ON!
GO! GO! HEY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHOOT HIM! YOU GOT A GUN. DO SOMETHING!
UH... GOOD.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE MY FIRST COLLAR IN NEW YORK CITY.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
I'M THE GOOD HORSE FAIRY.
YOU KNOW, BLAZE,
I THINK WE'RE GOING TO LIKE IT HERE.
( whinnies )
I REALLY DO.
THAT WAS A HECK OF A COLLAR, WELLINGTON.
THANK YOU, SIR.
NO, IT WAS MORE THAN THAT.
IT WAS A HELL OF A COLLAR.
WELCOME TO THE MOUNTED DIVISION, COWBOY.
ALL DUE RESPECT TO BUFFALO BILL, WHAT ABOUT ME?
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT HIM.
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
- ME TOO, BUT IT'S TRUE. - THANK YOU, MR. MAGNANIMOUS.
WANT ALL THE CREDIT?
- NO, JUST HALF. - YOU GOT HALF.
- THANK YOU. - I TELL YOU WHAT, SPAMPATTA,
YOU'RE STILL ON PROBATION,
BUT I'LL ASSIGN YOU A NEW MOUNT.
DORIS, ASSIGN SPAMPATTA ANOTHER HORSE.
SO, UH, WHAT HAPPENS TO STEVE?
DOG FOOD.
( Steve whinnies )
- DOG FOOD? - DOG FOOD.
WELL, YOU'RE A SWEET GAL, LIEUTENANT.
THIS HORSE IS UP FOR ROTATION. IT'S PROCEDURE.
DID YOU GROW UP FLUSHING GOLDFISH DOWN THE TOILET?
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MY HORSE,
MY PAL, A MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
BESIDES, HE SAVED MY LIFE.
WE'LL GET YOU A GOOD HORSE. JUST RELAX.
I DON'T WANT TO RELAX. I WANT THIS HORSE--
STEVERINO.
HUH? HIM AND ME,
WE GET ALONG LIKE ME AND MY WIFE.
YES, SIR, STEVE.
I AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE WITHOUT HIM.
ALL RIGHT, GIDDYUP, STEVE.
( whinnies )
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. GIDDYUP.
ANYTIME. GIDDYUP.
COME ON, STEVE, LET'S GO.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH HIM, EITHER.
DON'T LOOK AT ME. HE'S YOUR PARTNER.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- NOTHING, OK? - COME ON, STEVE.
CAPTAIN.
CARRY ON, WELLINGTON.
ARE YOU READY?
JUST GO, PLEASE. JUST GO.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, STEVE.
- HEY, WELLINGTON, AYOU HUNGRY? - NOPE.
I KNOW THIS PLACE MAKES AN OUTSTANDING PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
I TOLD YOU I DON'T LIKE PASTRAMI.
"I DON'T LIKE PASTRAMI."
SO YOU CAN WATCH ME EAT.
HEY, WELLINGTON, YOU BOWL?
( chuckles )
( laughs )
COME ON.
( whinnies )