Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996) - full transcript

Ah! You're here.

Hello. Welcome.

I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester,

and soon you will all bow down before me.

What you're about to see is

an experiment,

and, by observing,

you have become part of that experiment.

For I have shot a man into space

and I'm driving him crazy

by forcing him to watch

the worst movies ever made.

Oh, sure, we all have thought about it,

but I had the guts to do it!

This is my test subject:

Mike Nelson.

A disgustingly

mild-mannered dope

who has managed to survive

every film I subjected him to.

But perhaps this movie will drive him

to the breaking point and crush his soul,

and then I'll unleash it

on an unwitting public,

and then I will rule the world!

Yes!

I'm a naughty boy!

Naughty, naughty, naughty,

naugh... ty.

Well,

you will join Mike

in watching the Universal classic

This Island Earth

Now, prepare yourselves

for my maddest madness yet!

Now poopie.

Mystery Science Theater 3000

The Movie

Morning, Mike!

Morning, Gypsy!

Whaddaya got for me?

Oxygen-nitrogen mix is within

required standards,

we're currently in low orbit

over Southern Madagascar,

and that wonderful smell

is a lamb roast I have in the oven.

- And sweet yams?

- Affirmative!

Oh, and I compiled today's

wire service reports.

Here's a hard copy.

The Cubs lost again.

Oh! Why, hello Mike!

Everything workin' fine on the

ol' Satellite of Love today, hmm?

No dangerous problems or

horrible mishaps in sight?

No, Tom,

everything appears nominal.

Ah, nominal,

good, good.

So I guess that means

you're not worried about

what that rythmic pounding might be.

- Yeah, what is that?

- Yeah, what is that, hmm?

I'm a highly sophisticated robot,

Mike, and I'm telling you:

This is not something

you should be hearing!

Something's causing this, Mike!

Hm, now let's think.

I'm here, you're here,

Gypsy's here...

- Ok, Tom, where's Crow?

- Where's Crow?

Uh, I'm not supposed to say anything,

but I did see that litle moron headed towards

the basement with a pickaxe in his hand.

Gypsy!

Go to condition yellow!

- We gotta stop him!

- Roger!

It's a loooong way

to Tipperary,

to the sweetest girl I know!

Goodbye to Noah Berry!

Hello Harold Lloooooyd!

- Crow?

- Huh?

Crow, listen,

you've gotta stop!

Oh! Hi Mike!

I've found the perfect spot!

Once I break through this wall,

we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth!

Crow, you big dope!

You can't tunnel through space!

Come, come, boys, we must

confound Jerry at every turn!

Crow, no!

You'll breach the hull!

HULL

BREACH

I didn't expect this!

Gaining maximum R.P.M.

Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters!

Stabilize!

There! That should do it.

Wow, this is confusing!

Mike!

You wanna hand me me my calculations?

Thank you.

Well, look at that.

"Breach hull; all die."

Even had it underlined.

I don't wanna die!

Oh! Mommy! Mommy!

I love you, Mike!

- Atta boy, Servo!

- I won't do that again!

Hey! I'm experiencing a sensation

altogether new to me!

And frankly, I love it!

Now, Crow, I told you:

No more escape attempts.

Believe me, Mike,

I calculated the odds of this succeeding

versus against the odds

I was doing something incredibly stupid

and I went ahead anyway.

There you go.

Aw, darn!

It's time!

Dr. F. is calling for you.

Ah, Mike.

Robots.

I'm feeling particularly evil

because today's experiment

is a stinky cinematic

suppository called

This Island Earth

You may just all bow down before me

after this stinkburger.

Say, come to think about it,

I don't believe you've

bowed down before me recently.

Uh, sure we have,

last week.

No, no, no! I think that was

more of a curtsey than a bow.

So why don't we all

just bow down... now.

I don't see a reason

to make us...

Bowing, sir!

...I bow before you, sir...

Okay, Dr. Forrester.

Jees!

What a dickweed!

Well, now that

we've had our little fun,

prepare yourself for...

uh...

But, before I start

the experiment... uh...

Did you,

you know, go?

Yes.

Because I don't wanna

have to stop the movie for...

- You know.

- You won't.

Then, prepare yourselves for...

This Island Earth

We've got Movie Sign!

Ah, it's the nicest weather

Earth has ever had!

Notice how big Japan is?

Space, the final frontier.

These are the voyages of

Babylon 5.

Doesn't the fact that it's universal

make it international?

This island earth can be yours

if the price is right!

Hey, who sneezed on the credits?

Okay, let's see here.

Shatner? Shatner?

Nope! Doesn't look like

he's in this one, we're safe!

I feel so insignificant.

Of course,

I always feel insignificant!

The light from this credits originated

well over 7.000 years ago.

Boy, the universe

is really cruising.

Look, there's Taurus,

the bull!

And right underneath him

the constellation Feces.

Oh, look!

Orion is bankrupt.

So, these are images

from the Hubble?

When in California,

be sure to visit beautiful... oh...

It's a long par 5 leading

to the nation's capital.

Who'd build so far back

on the lot?

Washingtonland,

the new Disney theme park!

One more. Just one more,

please, Dr. Meacham.

Hold it, please.

A little closer to the wing, sir.

Watch your lips!

A little more profile,

Dr. Meacham.

He wants to get that

faraway, visionary look.

Cal, we know how

tired you must be.

- We'll make it as short as possible.

- Fire away, gentlemen,

I warn you, I am beginning

to feel faraway and visionary.

How about your conference with

the committee on atomic power?

Not my conference. Twenty engineers

and scientists were there.

Twenty? Hardly a routine meeting,

would you say?

Yeah, and look, Cal:

we won't buy the committee's

getting you VIPs together

for a cocktail party.

All right, boys,

I'll tell you this much.

You boys like to call this

"the push-button age."

It isn't. Not yet.

Not until we can team up

atomic energy with electronics.

Then we'll have the horses

as well as the cart.

How long has the army

been handing out jets, doctor?

Yeah!

One of the boys at Lockheed

handed me this one.

I hope you taxpayers don't mind.

We do!

Cal, when do we get

to this "push-button age"?

When fellows like me stop talking

about it and get back to our labs.

See you gentlemen later.

- Goodbye!

- So long!

Kiss me goodbye?

Cal, are you working on anything

along the lines you mentioned?

- Roughly.

- Well, remember me, will you?

I'm the wormy guy.

I'm concentrating on the

reconversion of certain

common elements into nuclear

energy sources.

- Huh? How's that again?

- What counts is how I make it work.

I see.

Good flight, Cal.

- Thank you.

- So long.

- Dickweed.

- Jack-off.

Other people need to

use this ladder, you know?

My wife has the seat so close,

how can she drive like this?

Those decals are really hard

to put on without ripping.

John Sununu goes

for a haircut.

Fortunately, he has

his theme music on eight-track.

Hey! You can see

the Cubs losing!

Geez, there's soccer teams

lying all over the place!

Oh, for crying out...

when are they gonna fill that in?

Hey, his legs are sticking out!

Ricola!

I'm so lost!

Keanu Reeves in

My Own Private Airfield.

Hello, can I see your pass,

sir... ah... whatever.

Putting the men's room in the tower,

what was I thinking?

2XD341, calling

Ryberg Control tower. Come in.

2XD341, this is Ryberg

Control tower. Go ahead.

O.K. to come in, Webb?

Are you decent?

All clear, Cal. Drift south

about 20 miles per hour.

Hi, Webb.

what's Cal's ETA?

- 1410, but he's late?

- Half an hour late.

That's my boss.

The only guy in the world

who can travel by jet and still be late.

Duh, I made a funny,

heh heh.

- Where are you?

- Look out the window.

Look out,

President Clinton!

Maverick!

Could I love him more?

Ah damn, I spilled my

Big Gulp.

Should we be seeing this?

Nothing! Nothing!

Cal, what's wrong?

I have no control.

I keep eating and eating!

Cut loose, Cal! Bail out!

I can't. I'm too low.

I've got the blues so bad,

uh huh.

Jerking around must have caused a flameout.

No power.

No nothing!

No Tickee!

No Shirtee!

Green Acres!

Well, suddenly I have

a refreshing mint flavor.

Early LSD tests in the

Air Force.

This is a job for

Weenie-man!

Eat at Joe's. Eat at Joe's.

Eat at Joe's.

Wow, they're ringing!

Now he knows what the world sounds

like to Pete Townshend.

Into the Weenie-mobile.

Weenie-man away!

I'd like to thank me

for flying me Airways.

- Uh, there's a green switch.

It was there all the time! - D'oh!

G.I. Joe action-set.

Nerdy Joe not included.

- Cal, you okay?

- Okay.

What happened?

How'd you bring it in?

- I didn't. Couldn't.

- I died.

- What do you mean you didn't?

- Controls went out.

- Huh?

- That's right. No controls, no power.

The plane died up there.

- I should be dead.

- Did you bring me a toy?

Cal, I know everybody's

seeing flying saucers

and screwy

lights up in the sky.

Well, you can put me

in the booby hatch too,

because, so help me, I saw this ship

turn a bright green up there.

- Are you sure, Joe?

- Positive.

- Did you hear anything?

- Yes.

A high-frequency howl, very high,

all the time your ship was?

- Green?

- Green?

- Did Webb see it?

- Unless he's blind.

- Check him.

- Right.

Oh, and, Joe,

until we find out what happened,

all three of us were blind.

I'll go pop Webb's eyes out.

?So, was being green fun?

- Okay, I don't wanna talk about it anymore.

- I was just wondering, I mean...

- I've always wanted to...

- No. Shut up.

- How's the little giant? - Growing up.

Getting ready to astound the world.

Let's take a look.

I figured that.

She's all ready and waiting.

Wow, that's one hell of a

View-Master.

Oh yeah, this is when science

didn't have to have any specific purpose.

Lowering the cylinder.

Inserting the

breakfast pastry.

The secret government Eggo project.

Contact Dr. Jemima.

I love the blueberrie ones best.

- Increase the rate of reaction.

- Start warming the syrup.

Yum.

Check rate of

radioactive decay.

Increase the Flash Gordon noise

and put more science stuff around.

Positive. Same it was

the whole week you were away.

- What did the committee say?

- Oh, they were a little excited.

A little!

Oh my god, my waffle!

Oh, the humanity!

Fries are up!

Oh no,

you're flooding it!

Zero reading.

- The X-C condenser must have shorted

out again. - Get the spare.

- Burned out yesterday!

- Oh, we can't have nice things!

Our liquorice ice cream cones melted!

And don't ask me why I didn't

order some new ones. I did.

X-C condensers in an envelope?

Must be a gag dreamed up

by the receiving department.

I ordered two X-C condensers,

and supreme equipment sent me these beads.

He touched me!

You say they're a gag,

but they're condensers.

I checked one for capacity

and voltage on the meter.

- And blew it to bits.

- Yeah,

After it held to 33.000 volts

and no leakage.

Where's my gun?

If that were true,

we could build a generator,

One that would supply electric power

to run an entire factory.

Sort this, deliver that.

I'll make 'em all pay!

Ah, the script has

finally arrived!

- Morning. - Morning.

- Sign here.

Wilt Chamberlain.

- I don't like you.

- Thank you.

Oh, my Niels Bohr swimsuit

calendar has arrived!

- What have you got?

- I don't know! There's no return address.

Oh, I hope

it's my lederhosen.

How do they get blow up

one day in here.

"Electronics service,

Unit no. 16."

Give to daddy.

Well, I'll read this

on the crapper.

"A catherimine tube with

an endiom complex of +4."

- What are they talking about?

- I don't know, but this outfit has them.

This isn't paper.

It's some kind of metal.

No sir, that's paper.

"Interocitor incorporating

planetary generator."

"Interocitor with volterator...

with astroscope."

Hey, Ms. Interocitor.

- Here's something my wife could

use in the house: - ?A man?

"An interocitor incorporating

an electron sorter."

Although she'd probably gain 20 pounds

while it did all the work for her.

Cal, you bitch!

According to this, there's

no limit to what it can do.

Laying a four-lane highway at a mile

a minute would be a cinch.

Cal, maybe we've

been working too hard.

"Complete line of

interocitor parts...

incorporating greater advances than

hitherto known in the field of electronics."

- Look, there's Waldo!

- What exactly is an interocitor?

I don't know,

and I don't want to know.

- Just love me!

- Well, I do.

I want to know what it is

and what it does.

And if I can break it.

- Order the list of parts on these pages.

- How we gonna build it?

These symbols? they're like

a foreign language.

And I'm hungry!

Anyway, we don't know the address.

You ordered the condensers

from supreme by teletype.

Yeah.

Which means that somebody intercepted

that order and sent us those beads.

Here, try it again.

You're too darn smart.

And handsome!

I may be the dumbest man who

ever walked this Earth, Joe.

No argument here.

Ah, been ordering from the

Adam and Eve collection again, hmm.

Joe, I'm one of these boxes.

Find me!

Here's the invoice.

No charge and no address.

Listen to this: "No interocitor part

can be replaced.

Bear this in mind

while assembling."

Use only genuine interocitor parts.

Well, let's

start unpacking.

Cal, are you gonna work

naked again?

There, it's done.

What do you think?

But before unpacking...

D'oh!

There's 2,486 parts.

2845, sir.

Each part is cross-indexed

into a symbol pattern.

Shouldn't be too hard at all.

Sure. A snap, maestro.

Only, uh, where do we start?

Right here.

At goofy clown face.

Industry, science and

technology!

Big men putting

screwdrivers into things...

turning them, and adjusting them!

Build your own

atom storage box!

Bringing you state-of-the-art

in soft serve technology!

Pulls off caps of any size jug,

bottle, or jar!

And it really,

really works.

You know what

my kids would say:

- You're not my real father!

- "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing."

Plug it in, Joe.

We'll see what happens.

He doesn't even have kids.

Poor, deluded Joe.

Oh, please, say we can get the Sci-Fi

channel. Please, oh please, oh please...

Look at this. Uh.

Comes with a Garth Brooks CD.

- Now what do I do?

- Clear your screen, please.

Okaay, Dr. Goofy!

You... can hear me?

- Of course.

- Duh.

Use the intensifier disk,

the one in your hand.

Any time, Einstein!

Place it in position

on your right.

Now, throw it at

Joe really hard!

This... tss... uh...

thing... goes on the what's-this here.

Now turn the control

18 degrees to the left.

17. One more. Wait, back.

Oh! Well, that works too.

It's the amazing Technicolor

cheese wedge!

Nanoo nanoo!

You have successfully accomplished

your task, Dr. Meacham.

You've assembled an interocitor,

a feat of which few men are capable.

- Who are you?

- I'm called Exeter.

Doug Exeter.

I'm a scientist, like yourself.

Shall we say a... a colleague.

My colleagues don't materialize out of

strange machines. They're flesh and blood.

And so am I, Dr. Meacham,

as I hope you'll soon find out.

- Grrr. Grrr. - ...although I admit

at the moment, I do appear immaterial.

But no matter.

I represent a group which is seeking

scientists of exceptional ability.

Do you know any?

All prospects must pass an aptitude test,

which you've just done.

- Damn... where do I control... damn, jees.

- ...only I don't remember applying for any job.

You didn't?

I beg your pardon, Mr. Wilson.

Your camera will pick up

nothing but black fog.

Oh, it's a Goldstar!

Images on the interocitor

don't register on film.

- Put it away, Joe.

- Go lie down.

To continue,

Dr. Meacham,

We test out people without their knowledge.

We leave nothing to chance.

Except the chance that I'm

not interested in you or your group.

Come, come, doctor. It's not possible

that a man of your scientific curiosity...

wouldn't want to find out

who I am, where I come from,

If I have pants on.

Wouldn't give his right arm for more

examples of our superior technical knowledge.

I think I can assume, Dr. Meacham,

that you're sufficiently...

intrigued to come to an immediate decision.

We'd like you to join our... team,

as you might say, at once.

You'll make arrangements

to leave immediately.

Wait a moment.

I didn't say?

At 5:00 Wednesday morning, our plane

will land at your field.

It will wait exactly

five minutes and then depart.

Whether I'm aboard or not?

Nanoo.

Hi there.

Place the catalog on

that table with the blueprints.

Open it to the

underwear section. Yes!

Alright, I'll do it,

you big-headed freak.

Is this metal?

I got a bet with Joe.

Now stand aside, please.

You too, Mr. Wilson.

No, farther towards the

Kill Zone, please.

Yeah. God, I'm good.

Dear God, I left

the iron plugged in!

Come here, you big

dumb dope.

Quick! Get the

baking soda!

Well, Cal, there's nothing

left for you to break!

Boy, the landlady's

gonna be mad!

- Are you boys cooking up there?

- No!

- Are you making an interocitor?

- No!

- You okay?

- Okay.

- Within reason.

- If there is any reason around here.

What with all the shenanigans and

goings-on.

Now that you have exploded,

any words for our listeners?

There's no reading now.

- Cal.

- Yes, Joe?

I just like saying "Cal."

- Whoever that Exeter is, i don't like him.

- Don't you, Joe?

- That's 'cause you're a puss.

- What? What?

Hey!

He was right about one thing.

I look good on a beret.

I'm gonna be on that plane.

Oh, hey wait,

what's that! Alright.

- Let's get out of here!

- This will take a while.

Ah! Minor film break.

Happens all the time.

I know exactly

what to do.

My plan for breaking Mike's will, by making him

watch this horrible movie, continues as planned.

I should be ruling the world by, uh,

6:00, 6:30 at the latest...

That Cal fella, what a maroon!

Who'd be stupid enough to give him

a laboratory or let him fly a jet?

- I like Joe.

- Yeah, and if it were me flying that baby,

and I had a low altitude

flameout like that,

I'd just reduce my elevators, dip the nose

and fire up the engines.

- You don't know how to fly!

- Sure I do!

I'm fully instrument-rated for

Microsoft Flight Simulator.

- Well then you fly the Satellite of Love?

- Yeah.

What, this thing?

No, I can't do that, see,

'cause...

It's not the same, there's no air foil so

there's no ability to turn when you're up in the...

All right, all right. Fine, you two.

Spread out, spread out.

What do ya do with a drunken sailor,

early in the morning! Hay-ho and up she?

Okay out baby, out.

Well don't come crying to me

when you get us all killed!

Yeah, right.

Let's see here.

Hey, this is going to be

easier then I thought.

- Help!

- Hey Mike, you hit something!

It's the hubble!

You killed the hubble!

- Gypsy, could you please get that?

- Uh huh. No way!

This is you're dishwashing liquid!

You soak in it!

Ah! Ah! The manipulator arm!

The manipulator arm!

- Carefully... carefully... wait...

- That's it! That's it!

- It's only 6 billion dollars. Remember.

- Hope you're insured, Mike!

It's only the most expensive

satellite ever built.

Near. Very fragile.

No, wait. Very fragile.

Better leave a note

on the windshield, Mike.

Back up, and slow again.

Wait. Don't.

Don't do that!

Sorry. It's...

Now, I'm just gonna release it gently,

like a sparrow into the night sky.

Good night, sweet Hubble.

And a flight of angels

sing thou to thy rest.

Oh, good one, Mike.

But, how could it do that?

It couldn't possibly...

Oh, great, and now

we have Movie Sign.

Go on. I'll take care of this.

- Mike broke the hubble!

- Boys.

Mike broke the hubble!

Put me on intermittent, Joe.

- Cal, won't you reconsider?

- I did... all night.

Didn't you hear me?

And, as a committee of one, I

came to a series of decisions...

at exactly

the fifth cup of coffee.

I had to pee.

One: Whatever scientific knowledge

this Exeter character has,

should be

in our textbooks.

Two: Joe Wilson,

my able assistant,

knows enough about a certain experiment

to carry on without me for awhile.

I'm not sure of that, Cal.

Look, Joe, my committee decided

I'm expendable.

- Nothing you can say will change that.

- You always were an obstinate?

Oh, well,

I'm not worried.

Not even a moth equipped with a lightning bug

could fly in here this morning.

So no plane is?

You know, all the problems of a

hunky guy and a wormy sidekick...

...don't amount to a hill of beans

in this crazy world.

Hey, it's a moth equipped

with a lightning bug!

- Let go of my hand, Joe.

- He made it!

Well, I don't like long goodbyes.

There's a letter for you on the end table.

Joe? Joe? Watch out

for the prop, Joe...

I'll understand if you

assist other scientist, Joe...

Scram, Lumpy.

Hello, Mr. Magic plane passengers.

Hello, it's outside... hello?

Ironically, they

overbooked the flight.

How about rustling me up

a drink, sweet cheeks? ?Hello?

I'm your pilot, Claude Rains;

your co-pilot, Harvey the Rabbit...

Can I... get a pair of those little wings?

I've been a good junior pilot. Hello?

No pilot.

He must be having

a rum and coke somewhere.

No windows.

Cal, you'll really

be flying blind.

Please be seated, Dr. Meacham.

And welcome aboard.

You are being kidnapped

by The Light FM.

Ugh, what are you doing?

You're sitting on me!

A seat belt is not

required, doctor.

You commie.

Please clear the stairs.

That means you, Wormy.

- Thank you.

So long, Joe.

I'll be dropping you a card.

Cal, get off right away! This whole thing

smells to high heaven!

Cal, I'm beggin' you.

Don't go!

Cal! Cal!

I'm stuck!

Your in-flight movie is:

Fearless.

There goes a stupid,

stupid man.

I'm gonna curl up in his

sock drawer, and sleep for days.

There's probably some kid with a big forehead,

kicking the back of the seat right now.

Oh, Tammy, lower!

Yeah, that's right!

Shh, shh. We're in a whole lot of trouble.

Get your parachute on. Should I wake him?

Ah, football practice... uh...

Good morning,

Dr. Meacham.

Good morning, boys!

Hope you slept well.

'Cause it's time to die.

They're forcing him to visit

Branson, Missouri.

Cal, honey, put your shoes on.

We're at grandma's.

Hello! Where can I

empty my hat?

He's flown into

a Flemish painting

I claim this land for Spain!

So, the aliens live

in Hooterville?

Ah, there are too Woodies

in this scene.

- Where am I?

- Georgia.

I kind of expected

Neptune or Mars.

Or Neptune...

Exeter asked me to greet you.

I'm Dr. Ruth Adams.

Ruth Adams! But this is wonderful.

I never expected?

This.

Ruth, I'm Cal Meacham.

Hello, is it anybody home?

Dr. Meacham,

of course.

Four or five years ago, conference on...

thermal problems

in nuclear reactors.

- Boston, wasn't it?

- Vermont!

We were lecturing to a symposium

of graduate students.

Summer, three years ago.

After classes,

we'd go swimming in a

little river near the school.

You were an awful sissy

about that icy water.

Shrinky Dink,

remember?

Now, Ruth, don't tell me

you've forgotten.

Come on, dummy!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Dr. Meacham, all I can say

is I'm deeply flattered...

and maybe a little envious of

the girl you've mistaken me for.

And now I think Exeter

is waiting to greet you.

She wants me.

Alright, see if this jogs

your memory.

Bad dog.

We did it, and

you know it.

Mike, can I have a car

like that?

You can't drive.

I can drive. I'm an excellent driver.

I'm not wearing my underwear.

Oh, there's gonna be a

Mary Kay convention going on too,

so it's gonna be kind of weird.

The elevators down to

Exeter's slave quarters.

Our laboratories.

That's not funny, Ruth.

I was a slave.

Our living room, social center,

library.

Mosh pits.

This is Exeter's office and study.

Not exactly what you

expected, Dr. Meacham, is it?

- Good morning, doctor.

- Good morning, doctors.

Reverend Moon.

Ms. Hathaway.

Just throw these coats on

Exeter's bed.

Heil Hitler!

- Guten morgen, Doktor.

- Guten morgen, Herr Doktor.

Engelberg, from Munich. The doctor's

out for his morning constitutional.

He's been here a week, but

his English and my German?

Eeh, Charlie Rich!

He goes through

a lot of Brylcreem.

Don't mention his head.

Who's that one?

That's Brack, one of

Exeter's assistants.

But you'll find them all

very helpful.

What language

do they speak?

Anything you wish:

English, Hindustani, Congoese...

- Kokokupikekeke...

- Anything.

- Dr. Meacham. Good morning.

- Good morning.

Please come in,

both of you.

Glad you could join us here

at the Buddy Ebsen Society

- Sit down.

- Dr. Adams!

Oh, yes, Steve!

What's this

'and the rest' crap?

About that

nuclear decay factor, Ruth,

I'm afraid my equation

just doesn't seem to work.

I was hoping you could find time

to go over it with me later.

I still think the

basic principle is all right.

Maybe we can trust?

Yes, well,

thank you, Dr. Adams.

Oh, there you are,

Dr. Adams.

I was just reminding

Dr. Meacham...

that I'd promised to produce some

of his colleagues in the flesh.

May I use you

as exhibit A?

I'm afraid Dr. Meacham

isn't too happy with me.

At the airport, he was

sure we were old friends.

Obviously, I was wrong.

The lady hardly remembers me.

- What is more important is?

- Who we are, what we're doing here.

Why I have a picture

of a burger on the wall.

Dr. Meacham...

We're not hiring.

I represent a group of scientists who

work with but one purpose:

To put an end to war.

Naturally, such a goal can't be attained

without experts of superior ability:

- Men of vision...

- Jesus, what a head...

...gathered here, exchanging

information daily...

Oh, that smell?

Oh, wow.

We hope to achieve

exciting new techniques,

Leap years ahead of the others.

- I don't think I need tell you how effective our voices...

- Ah, terrible...

...will be when the world learns

of our achievements.

- Well, there you have it.

- I'll let her open her.

- Nothing new, perhaps, but then, what is?

- Your head?

However, let me assure you, doctor,

that we are dedicated men and women,

and as such,

we can accomplish wonders.

- Well...

- Into the hot tub?

What do you

think of us?

This all sounds great,

Mr. Exeter...

- ...but why me?

- We like your skull.

- Dr. Meacham...

- How.

...we happen to know

that you're on the threshold...

of discovering limitless amounts

of free nuclear energy,

More specifically, the

conversion of lead into uranium.

Dr. Adams here has been working

along the same lines as you have,

perhaps just

a step behind you,

although I might add

that both of you are

way ahead of anyone

else in your field.

Be careful. Exeter will

flatter you to death.

The truth is never flattering,

Dr. Adams.

You fine foxy lady.

Now suppose you relax

and think it over.

Suppose when I do, I find

I can't go along with you?

Could we still

go out sometime?

Naturally, we'll expect you to be

discreet about what you've seen here.

Otherwise, you're free to leave,

Dr. Meacham. As free as air.

Hey, Kreskin,

quit hoggin' the bottle!

Hey, Mao, try this!

It'll knock your socks off!

There you go,

Mr. B.

So that's squirrel pudding,

hmm.

Hey, the professor's crying!

She's drunk again!

Whatever.

What do you think

of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?

I'm afraid I don't

know the chap.

I'm not an alien!

My mind must have been wandering.

Your composer, of course.

Our composer?

He belongs to the world.

Yes, indeed.

I'm not an alien.

The dinner, Exeter, was even

more perfect than you promised.

Now if you'll excuse me, I could

do with some fresh air myself.

He's gonna get high.

Would you care to join me,

Dr. Adams?

Uh. No?

You, Dr. Carlson?

It's your turn to

walk the Cal.

Why don't you?

Show him the grounds.

I dare you!

We won't start cracking the whip

on Meacham until tomorrow.

Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat

and lay my eggs in your chest.

But I'm not an alien!

Don't leave me with the Germans!

They didn't eat their fruit cups!

- That's quite a group Exeter

has collected. - Quite.

That's Dr. Hu Lin Tang.

I love Tang!

Tang's field is tritanium,

the same as Dr. Engelberg.

Dr. Marie Pitchner, U-235.

Dr. Blorfield, plutonium.

Whoop dee shit.

Hmm, that puts all of us in the

production of nuclear energy,

doesn't it, Carlson?

What are you

getting at, Meacham?

Why no biochemists, electronic experts,

mechanical engineers...

People equipped to make practical application

of the energy the rest of us produce?

I seem to remember that

was part of Exeter's pitch.

We try to make it a rule around here, Doctor,

not to discuss our work after hours.

Now how about that fresh air?

How about you and Dr. Adams

showing me my laboratory instead?

How about you lick me?

After all I've heard today,

I can hardly wait...

to add my little

contribution to the good work.

This way, doctor.

- I call dibs on Ruth.

- Dibs. - Dibs! - D'oh!

Not much of a laboratory...

...oh, it's the elevator. I see, I get it.

Now, does this clip

need any set up?

- It may be true...

- You may kiss the scientist...

- ...but are you sure?

- We're 30 miles from nowhere.

Steve and I know. We've tried.

And if we did get out,

who'd believe all this?

Ugh, hair ball...

I don't blame you doctors for being excited

about working for Exeter.

It's a rare privilege.

He's a rare man.

Our little Neutron gave us away.

He felt the impulses.

That cat. I could?

Put Neutron under

the thought transformer?

Why not, Brack? And perhaps

you'd like me to step in with him.

Smush my big white

alien forehead.

Turn it off, Brack.

Our friends won't be giving us

any more information tonight.

I'll put you in the

bitch transformer...

Here's a sketch of the interocitor.

I also have rough notes

on its working controls.

It's guesswork mostly

but better than nothing.

Not much...

And these are portraits

of Exeter and Brack.

Do you notice the peculiar

indentations in both their foreheads?

Nooo!

This is the one we're really proud of, Cal.

We discovered this a week ago

two miles south of here.

The side of this hill has been hollowed out,

and here's an acre of canvas

covering the excavation.

You tell me what's in there.

Uh, pudding?

Steve wanted to go back and

find out what was inside, but...

I guess I got

cold feet.

Just like Vermont.

Still a sissy.

God, I hate you.

They're fine, Steve.

When we get out of here,

I'll have them framed at my own expense.

If we get out.

Ah, you sissy. Sissy cat,

I can take you too, you puss!

He's just hungry.

No, please! I can't

digest milk!

Good-bye, Neutron.

I've got some big foreheaded

sissy butt to kick.

Mr. and Mrs. Howell's hut

is really nice.

Yeah, let's slip away

undercover of afternoon

in the biggest car in the county.

Good. You will keep in contact

until moment of departure.

Then remove all evidence

of installation. That is all.

And don't forget

to punch out.

I ought to hit you.

Take over.

And don't screw it up.

Jerk.

Now, it's time for The Brak Show.

It's The Brak Show,

starring me? I'm Brak.

It's The Brak Show and

I've got lots of great guests.

Meanwhile, Ness and his men

speed toward Capone's hideout!

So, Professor, you made this

entirely out of bamboo, huh?

Eat my photons,

smallheads!

Why are they all

sitting in front?

We're sitting ducks in this thing.

If we're gonna make the airport,

we'll have to do it on foot.

When I stop, we'll pile out.

Take cover fast.

Sounds like a really crappy plan,

but okay!

Suckers!

Steve! Steve!

I'm a little busy!

I regret nothing!

Uh, yes,

very nice, yes!

Oh, I have

tubes in my ears!

And his coffin will be made

entirely of coconuts, thank you.

We'll try and make

the airport. Let's go.

Well, they dried

off quickly.

Heh hey,

watch the hand, Cal!

Regis and Kathy Lee are

The Fugitive.

- Is it flyable?

- It should be.

Exeter keeps it

here for the staff.

She's hard on a

cocktail dress.

My other plane

is a jet, you know?

What do you think

about that?

That's what happens when

you leave a potato in a microwave!

Yeah, I'm beginning to think

they're not from around here.

I bet you they're

English, or Canadian.

They're pulling us up!

I just know they're

gonna probe my anus.

?Captain, the Klingons have us

in their tractor beam!

They got sucked up

into a Jiffy Lube.

So, this is Denver's

new airport.

Yes, things are going

exactly as planned.

If I don't miss my guess,

I think this has something to do

with those white-haired fellows.

Ah, thank you, Thing.

So, they worship

the Everlasting Gobstopper?

You know, those helmets don't really

hide their foreheads that well.

Two for Dinner?

Good.

Remain here.

Dad, your friends

are here!

Our two passengers are

very sensitive to heat.

The passengers are here.

So why they put the toilet

in the middle of the room?

Allow me

to welcome you.

Welcome.

I'm sorry that our visit below had

to be terminated so dramatically,

but time allowed

for nothing else.

I can assure you

we mean you no harm.

Like Steve Carlson and Engelborg?

Like the others in that house?

- What happened was beyond my control.

- What happened was mass murder.

We're not all masters of our souls, Meacham.

That's a nice little phrase

coming from you.

I learned it

on Earth.

That's 1 for Exeter. Ouch!

The two of you are

beginning a strange journey...

Mawwige!

a journey that no Earth people

have ever undertaken before.

Whether you consider me a devil

or a saint is unimportant.

Devil.

What is important is that you're here,

on this spaceship.

Suppose then, for the

time being, we call a truce.

As scientists

at least, Meacham.

Isn't he sitting too close

to the TV?

Ruth, don't tell me that, as a woman,

you're not curious about our destination.

Having a sale, Ruth!

Where are

we going?

Are we there yet?

- To a planet we call Metaluna.

- Metaluna?

There's no such planet in the solar system.

Metaluna lies far beyond your

solar system, in outer space.

The stellarscope

will convince you.

Come.

Well, I never Metaluna I didn't like.

What do you think, Ruth? Pretty good, ah?

Observer, prepare a view

of the second quadrant, please.

Nanoo.

I won't ask you to

condone what we've done.

We condone it.

All I ask is that when you

understand the plight of my people,

you try to have more

sympathy for our deeds.

And that you'll give

generously to the United Way.

- Earth.

- It's being left far behind.

My interocitor is way nicer

than that one.

You have an interocitor?

Sure. Don't you?

- Well. Come on! We can use it to get

back to Earth. - Really?

You've got an interocitor.

You should tell me these things!

Interocitor. Interocitor. Let's see here.

Under the peanut brittle.

Nope, nope...

Let's see. A Monkeys album,

shoestring potatoes.

Hey! A can of hamdingers, isn't it?

No interocitor. A spirograph...

I know it's around here,

somewhere.

...a sweatsock there.

Oh, there's my Etch-A-Sketch!

Trackball, never worked. A jar of tamales.

Another can of hamdingers...

Why all the underpants?

They're... full?

Oh, these.

- I collect them.

- Huh.

Hey, a chainsaw!

Wait a second, Servo.

You do have a interocitor.

I've been using it to

make hot chocolate.

Well, let's see what

this baby can do.

- Would you take those off?

- Hey!

She'll be ridin'

six white horses...

Man, you guys scared the

living daylights out of me!

It's working! Hey, hi!

It's Exeter there?

Nah, him and Brack went down to

Headbutt Days for Shelly.

I gotta meet 'em in the beer tent in

about fifteen minutes,

so I gotta get going, 'kay?

No wait, we're trapped in space!

Can we use this thing to get back to Earth?

I don't know.

Jees. Let's see.

Maybe this does something.

Crap. That's not it.

Hang up.

Okay. Did you use the

intensifier disk?

Yes!

Turned the controls

18 degrees to the left.

Did that.

Are you in Europe.

Do you need an adapter?

No.

Well look, I don't know

anything about this thing.

Maybe this does something.

Oops. It didn't work.

Okay, well, I'll be sure to tell

Exeter to give you a call...

- Bye! - No wait! Hold on!

You have to help us!

Wait, help!

Auntie Em! Auntie Em!

Surprise!

Like, who doesn't have an interocitor,

you collective heads of knuckle!

Now, get back in the theater,

you ninnyhammers!

And remember: I know who you are,

and I saw what you did. Now, scat!

I'm the God!

I'm the God!

Ah! They're going 75, so

they'll be there in three billion years.

Follow me,

if you will.

Exeter, what are you using for power?

How are you controlling the

fantastic temperature on this ship?

What's to prevent us from floating around

like a bunch of balloons once we leave Earth's gravity?

To answer

the last question first:

Shut up.

we create our own

gravitational field, which means that...

no matter what position

our ship takes in space,

we here inside remain

right side up.

But if we're going to get you

to Metaluna alive,

there's a little procedure

you'll have to go through.

Oh, yeah! My anal probe!

What are you

doing to them?

We're hickory-curing them.

Metaluna's atmospheric pressure is like

that in your greatest oceans.

Just like you.

If we entered Metaluna's orbit without

conversion, we'd be crushed to death.

But in going from Metaluna to Earth,

the tissues of our bodies would dwindle.

We'd disintegrate

completely.

- Correct, Meacham,

- You get a cookie.

If we're fortunate enough

to return to Earth.

So, you're not giving us

a ride back then?

Okay, Bachelor Number Two...

Which one do you

want, honey?

Ladies and gentlemen...

A Flock of Seagulls.

Jees, I hope they wipe down

the tubes when they're done with them.

Uh, yeah. Good meeting, everyone.

Same time tomorrow?

- Brack?

- Yes.

You will prepare the doctors

for the tubes.

I just got out of

the tub, man!

You'll change into clothes such as ours,

especially conditioned for life on Metaluna.

Come with me.

What size of skull-dome

do you wear?

Brack has visible panty line.

Come on, you couple of

single-stomach, microcephalic bilobes.

So, Brack.

Is that polish?

Or... well no,

I guess it wouldn't be.

There's a shuttlecraft

approaching, Captain.

- Do you want me to talk like

George Takei some more Mike? - No.

As you wish, Captain.

As you wish.

Recognize me now,

Ruth?

Place your hands above the rails.

They're magnetized.

And if your hands were metal,

that would mean something.

What?

There's an intercom system in the tubes.

You may converse as long as you're able to.

But it will be billed to your room,

so don't overuse it.

Now, raise your hand

if you want the hot wax

I hope you

both like sulfur!

Good luck!

Let me know what happens!

What do you know!

Mine smells like bacon!

Must feel like

they're inside a bong!

- Ruth?

- I farted.

Yes?

You okay?

And you?

Feel like

a new toothbrush.

So rub me in a

circular motion on your gums

Hey, a big Swedish

underarm crystal

Hey, keep it on the road!

We're in the tubes back here!

Uh, my contents

have shifted!

- Ruth?

- I farted again.

Well, this ought to

kill them!

I am Metaluna.

Well, the Tangerine Dream

music is good.

It's Christy Turlington

and Kate Moss!

Oh gross!

I saw Cal's pubic bone!

?Now you're playing

Simon!

Should I tell Ruth

she has an extra rib?

- Cal?

- I farted.

Enemy-controlled sector. This is

master control awaiting instructions.

Bill, pick up line 4!

Jesus, what did

you do to them?

You'll energize only as necessary.

Conserve power.

Avoid contact with enemy until

safety of ship is endangered.

Make big money at home!

Sharpen saws, and earn extra cash.

You didn't see my skeleton,

did you?

Uh, you might want to wait

a minute before opening Cal's up

Did you have Kenny G

playing in your tube?

Come away from

the nasty man.

You'll feel stronger

in a few moments.

I feel safe with you Brack.

You have a gentle touch.

Now I know you both feel as though

you could sleep for at least a thousand years,

But then you'd miss observing

our approach to Metaluna,

And with your curiosity, you'd

never forgive me for that.

You know, our chair technology

is light years ahead of yours.

Quiet everyone!

All My Children is on.

Hey, Laser Floyd, cool!

Observer,

a closer view.

View in third quadrant.

Contact in two time periods.

This planet should comb

its hair over its bald spot.

View in second quadrant.

Contact in one time period.

You know, that's one butt-ugly

planet you guys come from.

View in first quadrant

at ionization wave.

Ew, it's Michael Stipe's head!

What you're observing may well be

the beginning of the end... for our world.

Well, I hope so!

The Zahgon meteors are beginning

to get through our ionized layer.

That haze, a feeling

of intense radiation.

As you can well imagine,

such a screen requires...

the output of great

amounts of atomic energy.

And you're running out.

That's why you were sent to Earth.

And why you sent for us.

You need uranium.

In gigantic quantities.

Our own deposits are exhausted.

As our power diminishes,

our protection fails.

But, uh, we do have a very

active theater community!

What kind of shithole

planet is this?

That's enough.

Normal view.

Normal view.

Normal view.

Normal view!

Normal view!

Entering ionized layer.

Hey, they're landing in

Tommy Chong's backyard.

Oh, my washer load

is off-balance!

Looks like Dr. Seuss

designed their planet.

They're flying into a

Roger Dean album cover.

They're very into Yes

in this planet.

International flights always get

the gate furthest from the terminal.

Remember, we're parked

in the Denubrian Slime Devil lot.

Hey, Prince's bedroom.

Looks like the stalls

are all taken.

Welcome, Exeter. Observed your flight.

Almost counted you lost.

Your Earth creatures.

Dr. Adams,

Dr. Meacham.

I've given them as much

indoctrination as possible.

Then you know that shortly...

we can expect Zahgon to commence

and sustain an all-out attack.

Our ionization layer must be maintained

until our relocation is effected.

Relocation?

To where?

Shut your gob,

small-head.

To your Earth.

Oh, I can see th...

hey!

A peaceful relocation.

After the genocide,

of course.

Do you still insist, Exeter,

that we can allow any of these

Earth creatures to have free minds?

I do.

No... Yes...

Whatever you think!

I know them.

I've partied

with them.

- I've lived with them.

- You have wasted our time.

- Thank you! - Take them

to the thought transference chamber.

Yes, you all-high toilet hog.

Please come with me. I'm afraid

you have no choice.

Okay. Bye bye!

Nice hannukah bush, by the way!

Ah, I see their

Patriots don't work either.

Our Zahgon friends seem to be hitting this

prime sector quite regularly.

Uh, yeah?

Is that where it is?

In there?

Uh, golly, those doggone Zahgons are

really licking us, huh?

Well, let's go get your

brains scrambled.

My mind is my own and

nobody's gonna change it.

Go, girl!

- I'm not going into that room!

- Nobody is. Come on!

Leona Helmsley!

I'm sorry.

I'd hoped to have prepared you somewhat

beforehand. This is a mutant.

We have been bringing them

here for ages to do menial work.

Why?

Thhey're similar to insect life

on your own planet.

Larger, of course, with a

higher degree of intelligence.

This one has been given orders to

guard this corridor as long as we're here.

Oh, mommy!

I beg of you, go inside.

Cooperate voluntarily.

I give you my word you will not be harmed

or your minds changed in any way.

- You'd defy the Monitor?

- I already have!

Do you believe him, Cal?

In this place,

I wouldn't believe my grandmother.

Is he wearing slacks?

Oh boy.

The kingdom!

Oh sure. Go on. Run.

Just because you have a skull.

The Jetsons 2:

After the Armageddon.

- The travel car! Come on!

- Where are we going?

The spaceship.

It's safer there.

Don't you understand?

Let it happen now.

Reeeally?

Meacham!

Ruth!

I love you!

Stand back, Exeter.

Meacham, believe me,

I want to help you.

You're holding

a mutant turd!

Time is short.

Get into the car!

Go ahead.

Move that baby seat.

I kind of live

out of my travel cart.

This is what went on in

Salvador Dali's head.

Now, I swear we parked on

level C, just right next to...

Oh, shit.

He appears badly hurt.

Stay close to me.

Guten Tag! Sie greten?

Wie wollen eine Auto mieten!

Stand back.

I command you:

stand back!

Acting!

Well, that seemed

to go rather well.

I don't see what could

possibly go wrong...

- Cal!

- No, you do it! Leave me alone!

Uh, I'll get coffee.

Oh, I'm very vulnerable there!

Oh, there goes the piano lessons!

Ah, I can't remember

my dad!

Oh, come on

you big blowed.

When in Chicago, visit

the Museum of Science and Industry.

- Are you badly hurt?

- I'll be all right.

Close off all hatches.

Control room, quick!

Everyone picks on that

one weak spot of my exoskeleton!

You dinks.

You crushed my nads.

Hey! The floors look great.

I'm all right.

And if you don't mind

I've been waiting all day for this.

Oh no, Tinkerbell's goin' down!

Pull up Tink!

That may be

the last of them.

But probably it isn't.

Yes, they're concentrating

all their attention on Metaluna.

Those flashes of light...

they're meteors.

Hundreds of them.

The intense heat is turning Metaluna

into a radioactive sun.

The temperature must be

thousands of degrees by now.

Cooler by the lake.

- A lifeless planet.

- Yes, yes.

And yet?

Rents are

reasonable.

...it's still serving

a useful purpose, I hope.

- Yes, a Sun...

- Yes, yes.

warming the surface

of some other world,

giving light to those

who may need it.

Still, your whole family died.

That's a bummer, huh?

Now, into

the converter tubes.

Uh, your liver is beginning

to stick out there.

You might wanna tuck it back in.

- Ruth, you take the first tube.

You, the next. - What about you?

I'll use the third tube.

Oh, right. Sure.

Stupid question. Sorry.

Well. One weird day,

huh?

Captain's log:

A bunch of our ship fell off and...

nobody likes me.

Cal and Exeter

wake and bake everyday. Woo!

Will our Mystery Guest enter

and sign in please?

It's the manager here?

Hello?

I hear you, ma'am.

Walls melting for you, too?

I didn't mean to scare you.

I'm just looking for the can.

Say, where did you

get those cute pants?

Oh, hey.

My grandma's legs.

Exeter, are these tubes

strong enough to keep him out?

Possibly.

- Well, no.

- He's bleeding badly.

In a very few moments,

the pressure should destroy him.

Shall I compare thee to a

summer's d? oh...

Okay. Hold it together.

Rise above it. Suck it up.

You gotta cut me Mick!

Cut me!

And I busted a zit

on my shoulder. Great!

Run, Ruth, run!

Brilliant strategy.

Thanks, Napoleon.

Oh, I've ought

to do something.

What are you stuck up?

Too high and mighty for the Mutant, huh?

C'mon!

Give Uncle Scrotor a hug!

Not since Ted Kennedy

in a Barney suit!

- Oh, I stood up too fast!

- Ugh, he squirted.

Thank God I saved you.

Ah, I fell on my keys.

Yes, go away, you bad monster,

you'll get more of the same!

Self-cleaning mutant.

Leaves only the fresh

scent of pine.

Oh, we'll get you another one.

Raspberry World, for all your

raspberry needs. Off the beltway.

Hey, check this out!

Baywatch is on.

- Ah, just like we left it.

With the USA in charge. - Yes!

I think maybe we should

slow down a little?

Our speed is diminishing.

We're now in the

atmosphere of Earth.

Your plane is where you left it:

in the cargo hold.

I think.

A conventional way for you

to return to Earth, I admit,

At least you've got a planet.

but perhaps

the most practical.

May your forehead grow

like the mighty oak.

Where are

you going?

I'm fine.

I'll just kick around here.

Our universe is vast,

full of wonders.

I'll explore.

Yeah, that's it!

Perhaps find another Metaluna,

a place inhabited by beings

not unlike myself.

Maybe get a house,

with some guys... I don't know...

You see, I'm more adventurous

than you imagined me.

- Exeter...

- You dog...

- ...you're a liar.

- ...and I hate you.

You've used all your power

bringing us here.

Even if you had a place to go,

you couldn't make it.

I'll gas up in

Des Moines.

Come with us.

We'll heal your wounds.

No, Ruth, no. Ixnay!

I'm afraid my wounds

can never be healed.

You've things

to teach us.

Recipes to share.

Thank you.

We're over your Earth now.

It's time for you to go. Farewell.

I'm just dropping you at the

North Pole. Is that alright?

Ex... call, okay?

I mean that.

No, no. Go on, you kids.

I'll just be on the way. I'm fine.

You probably don't have

a spare room anyway,

Do you?

Yo, right back at ya!

Go. Go, go, go.

Come on. Go.

Oh, so that's what

a colon looks like!

Captain's log: I've lost

my toupee and girdle...

and I can't leave my room.

Y'know, I hope they land

right on Kenny Loggins.

Okay. Hands on ten and two;

check space cushion; pull out in the? aah!

Oh great! Brack

siphoned our gas!

Oh, Carl...

Cal.

Oh, Cal...

- Home.

- Thank God it's still here...

...and friday!

Hell, let's hangar

this baby in then.

Spock!

Let's see how many

times I can skip this thing!

Nope. Pay no attention to me.

I'm just a weather balloon.

Just some swamp gas.

"Service engine soon."

I wonder what that's all about.

A giant flaming hat was

seen over the coast tonight...

Exeter thought he could squeeze

one more trip to earth out of this jalopy.

I'll always love you, Br? Aah!

That's going to put your

panfish down for a while.

Exeter died on impact. Brack was arraigned

in superior court, county of Los Angeles.

In a moment,

the results of that trial.

This Island Earth!

That movie was a breeze!

I dig those crazy

Metalunians, Mike.

The movie is over.

The experiment is complete.

And... if my calculations

are correct...

Adjust for pi.

Mike's will should be broken

just about now.

Broken?

- Hey Mike, your spirit feeling broken?

- Heck no. We're fine, Dr. Forrester.

In fact, we're just hailing ourselves

a little Metaluna mix there.

Just call me Ruth, Mike!

Hey, check me out! I'm just like

one of your insects. Larger, of course.

Come on, everybody!

Make with the smoke, man!

So, you're having a party, eh?

Well, every party

needs a pooper!

Hey, look at that. Dr. Forrester's gone.

Alright. Now we'll

never get back to Earth!

Hey, wait a minute.

I don't know why people

leave during the credits.

- I always stay for the credits!

- Yeah, me too.

This is Orson Welles.

A good cast deserves another mention.

In the event that the first assistant director

is unable to fulfill her duties...

Bix Skahill and his big band!

Two Brantsegs in one film.

What are the odds?

Puppet wranglers. There

weren't any puppets in this movie?

And Dale Mather as

the Beaver.

- Oh, I love Triskos, with Espinosa.

- Oh, and a little Herget down 'em...

- In the event that the first assistant camera

is unable to... - Okay, alright.

Hey, they're on the blue line. They're over

the blue line. Oh, nice assist by Brad Keely!

Come on down to L. Marie Ford.

Free hotdogs, and balloons for mom.

?Linda Froiland. Isn't she in

Babes in Froiland?

- Andrea "Action Jackson" DuCane.

- That's good.

Julie Walker, Texas Ranger.

- In the event that the assistant production

coordinator... - Okay, enough. - Sorry!

The winner, and still phorographer,

Mickey Kienitz.

So there's one guy who

just grinds out keys all day?

- The Amazing Rando! - Watch Rando the Great

construct sets with his very mind!

No, we've never met

before, have we?

Craft services will be held at

10 am, Tuesday.

- Kurt "Band-Aid" Gensmer.

- Dan "Contusion" Dustin.

- Jim "Heart Attack" Robinson.

Oh, yeah. These are the guys that just sit in basement rooms

and figure out ways to make elves disappear.

Avelino Deleon,

brother of Ponce.

Here's Avelino in his rear-engined Lotus

followed by Jaquilin Zietlow in a Ferrari.

We recorded at

Sync S-s-s-o-o-u-u-n-d.

- Excuse me, Magic Film and Video, but Rando will do

all the magic on this film. - That "Rando" stuff kills me.

Uh, yeah. Bill Schwab. He's the guy that goes

around attributing his own faults to other people.

Oh, right. The "projectionist."

"I Sing the Additional Grip Electric."

So, if you pick something up once,

you're considered a grip.

And now we're just seeing guys

who drove by the studio one afternoon.

We'd like to thank the people of St. Paul, who are,

in alphabetical order, Anderson, Aaron, Anderson, Alan...

Energy Park, providing a safe place

for energy to play.

This week at Energy Park, flugelhorn demonstration

and magic by The Amazing Rando!

As long as we're thanking the whole entire world,

I'd like to thank a guy I know named Earl.

Eastman. He came out of the east

to do battle with The Amazing Rando!

All rights are reserved, Callahan.

Oh, yeah, well how about the

rights of that little girl?

Country of first publication:

United States of America. Offer void in Utah.

Children under 12, employees and their families

are prohibited from taking part in this contest.

If not fully satisfied with this film,

please return unused portions for a full refund.