Mystery On Makeout Mountain (1997) - full transcript

Yee haw!

Yee haw!

Yee haw.

My god, June.

Don't you ever quit?

Not until I have what I want.

Look, I told you.

I'm not going to discuss
or make a decision

on the topless calendar until
I see how the tour goes.

That's six months, baby.

My career could be over by then.



I need the exposure now.

Mm.

Well, I think maybe we
could work something out.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Mm.

Pig
Hollow, population 101.

That's me driving.

I'm Bob Bob.

I'm the smart one.

It's April, May, and June.

It's the Three Seasons girls.

Don't they just make
your mouth water?

Them city girls don't
give a lick about us



country boys, especially
those that run moonshine.

When are you going to get
that through your thick skull?

But Bob Bob.

The
idiot sitting next to me,

that's my brother, Joe Bob.

He's the reason we got
into this whole mess.

You'll hear about
that soon enough.

Ah.

Some folks
might say selling moonshine is

a dangerous business,
especially when

low down farmers like
the Jackson brothers

try to get a piece
of the action.

Ugh.

What are we going to do now?

We should start
giving them stuff.

Never.

No one gets our moonshine.

Normally,
we're peaceful folk here

in Pig Hollow.

But when the Jackson
brothers threaten

our lives and our
moonshine,

that's going a bit too far.

And something else is
even more dangerous--

women.

Put that away, Joe Bob.

Can't you see you're
getting us killed right now?

But Bob Bob, this
is a new issue.

Oh, lord.

Hold on, girls.

Did we make it?

Oh, open your eyes, you baby.

I swear, sometimes I can't
believe you're my brother.

Of course we made it.

We always make it.

No thanks to you and
them Three Seasons girls.

Ahh!

Ugh.

Oh, them thieving bastards,
I'll just kick their butt.

Say that when them boys is
awake, and I might believe you.

Well, just get it going then.

Well, to be on the safe side,
we'd better take the shortcut

through Ghost Gulch.

Ghost Gulch, we
can't go through there.

It's haunted, you know that.

Them boys is going
to be awake any minute.

It's our only chance.

Ghost Gulch it is then.

I'd do anything for my gals.

Well, looky here.

Couple of jailbirds.

Howdy, Sheriff.

Now, far
off in that crazy city folks

call Hollywood, the Three
Seasons girls, or the ones

Joe Bob's so crazy
about, are getting

ready to make a new calendar.

Already, it would take a saint
to resist what these girls got.

Looking good, let me
see you a little bit.

Good, good.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.

Let me see a little bit more.

Keep your chin up just
a little bit higher.

Perfect.

All right, there you go.

All right.

Oh, beautiful.

Let me see you a
little bit more.

OK, perfect, perfect.

This one's June.

June, let me see you.

There you go.

April.

Get yourselves together just
a little bit more for me, OK?

Let me see you all together.

Perfect.

There you go.

Oh, oh, yeah.

There you go.

Perfect, April.

Work.

Dang.

Beautiful, beautiful.

OK.

Keep your chin up
a little bit more.

Oh, yeah, great.

Great.

Oh my god.

All right, May, June, why
don't you two take five and let

me finish this roll with April?

Where was I anyway?

Oh.

Oh, yeah, May.

Ah.

This one's April.

She's the leader of
the group, and she's

just as sweet as can be.

Let me see you, sweetheart.

How's this, David?

That's great.

That's great.

Little did these girls

realize fate was about to
deal them an interesting hand.

Hi, baby.

How's it going?

Don't hey, baby me.

When are you going to
tell April about us?

Well, you know I
can't do that just yet.

We've got the calendar deal
and the tour coming up.

Once the tour is over, then--

No!

Although April is
my best friend,

I am sick of her getting
all the attention.

It's time for me to
be in the spotlight.

Not her.

Shh, shh, now calm down.

I promised I'd listen to
your ideas, and I have.

We'll just have to wait till--

If you say after the
tour, I will kill you.

Now either you
tell her or I will.

Oh.

Oh, sorry, babe, I gotta go.

Look, we'll talk about
this later tonight, OK?

Good luck with the shoot.

Perfect,
perfect, there you go.

Oh, good.

There you go.

Come on.

There you go.

Perfect.

Congratulations on that new
calendar and tour deal, April.

So when were you
planning on telling us?

Come on, smile.

Tonight.

Jeffrey still has to
lock up the applications

for the promotional tour.

Hey, come on, all right?

How did you know?

Jeffrey just signed
the contract today.

Jeffrey told me
last night in bed.

I don't believe it.

Well, believe it.

Oh my god, you
really are a bitch.

Yeah, well, a girl's got to
do what a girl's got to do.

Even sleeping with your
best friend's boyfriend?

Quite the coincidence, April.

Your boyfriend happens
to be our manager.

Sleeping your way
to the top there, June?

You know, April has run
the show for a little too long

now.

It's time we did things my way.

But June, April only has
our best interests at heart.

Spoken like a true virgin.

Pfft.

You leave the virgin--

I mean May-- out of this.

This is between you and me.

Well, I don't think
you've got what it takes.

Try me.

Come on, May.

Let's get out of here.

I never get to have any fun.

Come on.

I'll buy you some
candy, all right?

You're crazy.

If you think that
sleeping with Jeffrey

is going to give you control
over the Bikini Team,

you're wrong.

Then how come he's considering
my topless calendar idea?

What?

That's right.

He seems to think that the
Three Seasons Girls Go Topless

would be a number one seller.

Well, Jeffrey is no fool.

He knows the reason we're
so popular is because we

won't take our tops off.

Well, then, I guess you
haven't seen our recent sales

figures lately, have you?

Down by 20%.

I don't care what
the sales figures say.

We have an image to protect.

And we owe it to our fans.

Yeah, well, our fans
want to see us naked.

And I'm the kind of
girl who likes to give

the guys what they want.

Well, that's what
everybody says.

Shut up.

Now just outside

of Pig Hollow is
that little haunted

area they all call Ghost Gulch.

Things have been pretty quiet
around Ghost Gulch lately--

maybe too quiet.

Wake up, Pappy.

Things ain't going
to be quiet for long,

not with that ghost
running around.

Can't you keep quiet?

I'm trying to read here.

Here's to you, you old ghost.

Come on, let's
get out of here.

This place gives me the creeps.
- Me, too.

Let's go.

Boy, that Missy Sue

sure knows how to work a gun.

Guess I shouldn't be
talking about Pappy's

little girl like that.

Scared of a little
ghost, are ye?

How about this?

We'll
be seeing a whole lot more

of Missy Sue as this
story goes along,

and I do mean a whole lot more.

Daggonit.

Got off with a mess of chickens.

That dang ghost is going
to cost us this farm.

Oh.

I have to take another bath.

That's two this week.

If the Good Lord meant
for us to wear clothes,

you wouldn't have
been born butt naked.

Ghost or no ghost, Pappy better
get them dang showers fixed.

I'm tired of bathing
in this here creek.

You never know what nasty
critters might be watching you.

Now not too far away

from that creek was
an old house that got

bought up by some young feller.

Folks say he was an
artist, but most folks

just called him a hippie freak.

Because it takes a whole
lot of drugs to make someone

buy a house right
next door to a ghost.

Wow, if I could only put
a face on a haunting voice.

Could that be you,
my spirit goddess?

It is you I've come here to see.

Whoa.

How can a mere mortal be
worthy of such beauty?

Mister, you talk like
you're out of your head,

but you sure are cute.

Here's the reason they

call this place Ghost Gulch.

You ever hear of a
haunted tepee before?

Now you have.

This here's the place of old
Crazy Joe, an old Indian dead

these many years past.

His horrifying screams
still fill the air.

Yep.

Unfortunately for that
old artist hippie boy,

it was all just a dream.

But someday, if his
dream was to come true,

he'll soon be
painting a masterpiece

dedicated to Missy Sue.

Sue, my sweet, soon,
it'll be more than a dream.

Well, after that dream,

I can think of two things
he's going to be painting.

Shoot, some boys just
have all the luck.

Oh!

I don't know.

It's-- it's rain-- it's raining.

Pa, I had to take a bath
in that dang creek again.

When are you going
to fix that shower?

Daggonit!

That dang ghost
does it to me again.

Where's my jug?

Taking your moonshine ain't
all that fool ghost has done.

'Cause of him, the cows
don't want to give no milk

and the chickens don't
want to lay no eggs.

Since he started
all this fussing,

we ain't been able
to make a dime.

I mean, for years now, he
ain't bother us none, you know?

And now things are just
disappearing right and left.

Well, that ain't all.

Them bank people done
come around this morning.

Before I could
run them off, they

just took some of the chickens.

Here's--

here's-- here's one of them yet.

Getting drunk ain't
going to solve nothing.

Well, I ain't trying
to solve nothing.

I'm just trying to
get a little drink.

Pa, I'm tired of being
the only one around here who

gives a dang about this place.

I care.

Pa, if we don't
do something fast,

we're going to lose
Ghost Gulch for good.

What are those two
pathetic losers in for?

Oh, I caught them with a
load of illegal moonshine

up near Ghost Gulch.

Ugh, must you do that?

Yep.

Well, let's get down
to business, shall we?

Well, shoot.

It's your party,
Mr. Bank President.

I'm just along for the ride.

The deed to Ghost Gulch,
have your men found it?

No.

Did find a couple
of chickens, though.

Ghost must've scared them off.

That and the old man's daughter,
she's pretty good shot.

She doesn't suspect, does she?

Calm yourself.

My boys stuck to the
back taxes story.

Far as she knows, that deed's
still hidden safe and sound.

Well, you know, it
ain't no big secret

in this part of the country that
whoever holds the deed to Ghost

Gulch automatically becomes
legal owner of the land.

And maybe somebody
just found it.

No.

This land is perfect
for my needs.

There's a deal
with the government

already in the works.

They have got to find it.

Well, you've got
to find yourself some

new idiots 'cause
those old idiots

ain't going back there no more.

Don't tell me.

Because of the ghost, right?

You hillbillies
are so predictable.

Watch yourself.

This hillbilly's got a gun.

Oh, we'll find
the deed all right.

And I will be a
millionaire, and Ghost

Gulch will become
the government's

newest nuclear dumping site.

Uh-huh.

Yes, April.

No, no, it will
never happen again.

I promise, April.

And don't worry about May.

She's OK.

She just doesn't like it
when you and June are upset.

Oh, god.

Oh-- oh, god,
something just came up.

I'm sorry, I gotta go.

Bye bye.

Hi.

Hi.

Well, that ghost don't seem
to have hurt your appetite none.

Move over, boy.

Lord almighty, let it be there.

The deed to Ghost Gulch
has been here for years.

I knew them bank people was
looking for more back taxes.

They want our ranch.

You see anything
up here, Bob Bob?

Nope.

How long we got
to stay here anyway?

I'm getting scared.

Until we find
that piece of paper

that the Sheriff or Mr.
Snively are looking for.

I'm starting to
itch something awful.

Well, that's
just too dang bad.

If we don't find
that deed, we're

going to be going back to jail.

Now I'm starting to itch, too.

Oh, the girl ain't got it.

Where did you get these leaves?

Over there.

One
thing about the snooping

business, it don't pay
to hide in poison oak.

We got so itchy, scratchy,
we done left our binoculars

and moonshine behind.

Oh, I guess we'll never learn.

Drop Mr. Fuzzy or you're dead.

He's dropped.

He's dropped.

I'd forget I ever
saw that if I was you.

Of course.

Now could you just put
that thing away and attend

to the matter at hand?

What's on your mind, Snively?

The deed, of course.

Have those drunken idiots
come up with anything?

Nope.

Because if I lose that deed,
there will be hell to pay!

Hey, Jeb.

Keep an eye out for
your sister, will you?

I ought to tan your hide.

Oh, come on, Missy Sue.

We didn't mean nothing by it.

And you better let me hold that
bottle there because that stuff

is flammable.

Keep your grubby
paws off of there.

And you, no more
of this fancy book

learning until we
find that deed.

Um, Missy Sue, it'll turn up.

He just done forgotten
and put it somewhere else,

or that ghost took it.

You two just don't
understand, do you?

Somebody's after Ghost
Gulch, and it ain't no spook!

Well, it sounds like a spook.

Far out, man.

How many bikinis can they own?

There's more!

I had to ask.

You better call, you bastard.

June, come
on, we're late.

Well, Jeffrey, I
told you I wouldn't

stop until I get what I wanted.

Maybe you'll believe
me after this.

Coming!

June, have you
seen the itinerary?

Oh, yeah.

It's right here.

Ah, great.

'Cause you know, we wouldn't
get very far without this now,

would we?
- Nope.

Good, because my sense
of direction really sucks.

Now what that city

boy didn't know was that sneaky
June done switched the maps.

I do believe that girl
needs a good licking

to straighten her act up right.

I'm sorry, folks.

I just got a mental
picture in my head.

You know what they
say about bad girls.

This isn't over yet.

I can still ruin
your precious tour.

Call me.

June.

PS, you'll be sorry.

I don't get it.

Them binoculars was right here.

I'm not saying

I'm a superstitious fella.

But something down deep
told me that that ghost

of Crazy Joe done stole our
moonshine and our binoculars.

What the ghost needs them
for, well, we don't know.

But we're going to
try and find out.

I've got it.

I wouldn't sneak up on
me like that if I was you.

You're lucky you
didn't get plugged.

Put that down.

While you were sleeping,
I came up with a solution

to our little problem,
in case our drunken

friends fail in their mission.

We've been
driving for hours.

I don't want to be late for
the first stop on the tour.

You sure we're not lost?

April, relax, all right?

I've been following this
map, and according to this,

we should be reaching--

Pig Hollow?

Is this legal?

Extremely legal.

Looks like Ghost Gulch has been
having some financial problems

as of late.

Lucky for me, I still have
connections at the IRS.

Figures you'd be in tight
with that bunch of jackals.

By the time our little farm
girl figures a way to pay up,

Ghost Gulch will become the
very next Three Mile Island.

I don't get this.

I mean, this map
says we shouldn't

be anywhere near Pig Hollow.

But we are, and according
to my calculations,

that puts us about six
hours behind schedule.

You know, I can't prove
this, but I'll bet you

have something to do with this.

Still holding a grudge.

Excuse me, guys.

All right.

Speaking of holding it, maybe we
all should make a little visit

to the woods, huh?

Well, you guys go on ahead.

I have something I have
to take care of first.

Here, careful.

Careful, careful, careful.

All right, you
two go over there,

and I'll see you guys
in a little bit, OK?

Yes, I understand
how you feel.

I know the calendar and the
tour are a package deal.

But they must have
broken down somewhere.

That's all I can think of.

Look, I promise you they'll
make their next gig.

Yes, sir, I know.

Yes, thousands of dollars.

Don't worry.

You can count on me.

God, god.

What have I done?

All right, try it now.

No go.

All right, I'm
no mechanic, but it

looks to me like
someone has thrown

a monkey wrench in the works.

That sounds awful.

I don't think I
can go another step.

Yes, you can.

Come on, you can do it, OK?

We've walked over
eight miles already.

There's still no sign
of intelligent life.

I know.

It's going to be dark.

What?

You guys afraid of
a little exercise?

I knew it.

Knew what?

You switched the map.

And then when we
were in the woods,

you fixed the van
so it wouldn't run.

Why, April, I would
have to be crazy to do

something like that.

Oh, crazy with jealousy maybe.

All right, girls.

Girls, just stop it, all right?

Fighting won't solve anything.

I think I hear something.

That sounds like a horse.

There must
be a farm nearby.

I'll deal with you later.

Oh, gentle beauty, why
has thou forsaken me?

Give me a sign, any sign
that you still exist.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

You'll see.

You won't be sorry.

I dedicate this
masterpiece to you.

What is that?

I don't know.

It sounds like Indian
drums or something.

Well, it certainly isn't
Metallica now, is it?

Well, whatever it is, we
can't let it slow us down,

so let's keep moving.

Hey, excuse me.

You have a death wish, Mister?

Uh, look, don't
shoot, all right?

Our vehicle broke down just
a few miles back up the road,

and we just need
to use your phone.

Well, it looks
like you out of luck

because we ain't got no phone.

Um, OK, then can you tell
us where the closest phone

within walking distance is?

Nope.

Nope?

There ain't no closest phone.

That would be about
25 miles into town

at the sheriff's office.

Uh, well, would you mind
giving us a ride then?

I wouldn't mind.

Ah, great.

Hands back up!

I said I wouldn't mind.

I didn't say nothing about
having no automobile.

All right, look.

Our next appearance
is in three days.

And if we miss another
gig, we are history.

So isn't there any way that
you could help us, please?

Well, mister, maybe we
can work something out.

Ain't nothing I
could do about it.

Something spooked
them out there.

You got a gun.

Why don't you use it?

You can't
do that, Snively.

Why not?

You're the Sheriff, aren't you?

Yeah.

Them boys said they'd
rather serve their time

than help you out.

And they've got
about 15 hours to go.

You can try to convince
them after that.

Boys, I'm going to make you
an offer you can't refuse.

The only way

Missy Sue could help these folks
was to put them up for a night.

Although she done put them in
the ritziest accommodations

available, them
city folks didn't

seem to appreciate it none.

What time is it?

I don't know.

It's way too early.

Quit hogging my hay.

David, your hair is so matted.

Don't you ever wash it?

What was that thing in there?

It's just Bertha.

You folks sure are nervous.

Here, put these on.

And what is this?

The latest in hillbilly couture?

I think I'd rather
wear my bikini.

Just put it on.

Ooh.

How chic.

I'm going to, you
know, go over there.

Ain't you never change clothes
in front of a woman before?

Oh, it's not that.

I just, you know, would
prefer to change inside

if that's all right with you.

You all right down there, boy?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Thank you.

I'll just take these.

Oh, but mind Bertha.

She's a little feisty
this time of year,

being it's mating
season and all.

Run!

Run!

Run!

Come on, April, call.

If that June screws up the
calendar deal, I'll kill her!

Pappy!

All right, look,
Missy Sue, I can

explain the whole thing here.

Oh.

Are-- are-- are these
the people that are

going to help us find the deed?

They don't look
none too smart, Pappy.

No.

They may not look like
much, but they all we got.

This is all we got?

They say you can't

teach an old dog new tricks.

This must be true, because as
soon as we got out of jail,

we was back in business again.

Woo yeah, we got out just
in time for a new shift.

The moonshine business.

But what we didn't know was
that Snively and the Sheriff

was back in business, too--

our business-- and ready to
put us back in jail to get us

to agree to help them with their
evil plan to steal Ghost Gulch.

Hey, you think old
Snively's going to make

us go back to Ghost Gulch?

As long as we make
our moonshine delivery,

I don't care.

Well,
we finally lost them,

but we got clean away.

At least, that's what
they led us to believe.

Dang, there goes Snively.

He done sniffed us out
faster than a hound dog.

I'd like to see old
Snively's face right now.

Me, too.

I'd like to see him
make us do anything.

Me, too.

My, my, my.

Look what the
Sheriff dragged in.

Snively, these boys
were too easy to find.

After they lost us, I
just went back to the bar

and waited for them there.

They're going to have
to do some more time.

But you know, since this
is their second offense

and they did try to flee and
elude an officer of the law,

I'm afraid they're going to be
in here for a long, long time.

Well, you know, I
might be out of office

before these boys
see the light of day.

Unless, of course, we
can work something out.

Back up in the hills,

old Crazy Joe was back
to being crazy again.

He was burning up stuff
he'd stolen from some folks.

I hope nothing is
important in them papers.

I totally feel
your pain, my beauty.

Soon.

Soon, I'll take it all away.

Wow, this is,
like, totally good.

Well, our horse can't make it.

She's too old.

If'n you go by foot, you better
take along a first aid kit.

Them hills are deadly.

Look, I don't
want to get killed.

I just want to find a phone.

Well, the mail truck
comes in about three days.

You can probably
get a lift then.

That's three days.

We have a gig in two days.

So we really aren't
going to make it.

They'll have to cancel our tour.

Isn't that what
you wanted, June?

What?

Now you can do that topless
calendar all by yourself.

Because without
this tour, the Three

Seasons Bikini Team is through.

But I didn't mean for--
well, really, I just--

Come on, Pa.

Let's go find that deed.

All right.

Well, you know, we need
a shovel or anything?

But you've got to believe me.

I didn't mean for
this to happen.

I ne--

I ne-- I've n--

never met a girl
like you before.

And I hope you
never will again.

Come on, let's go for a walk.

Damn that June.

If they mess up the
tour, I'm ruined.

If I only had a clue
where they were.

Do you think the
others will miss us?

Nah.

Missy Sue is just looking
for that stupid old deed.

But isn't that important?

You could lose the farm.

I know this may
sound crazy, but I

don't much care about farming.

This is what I care about.

But this is your home.

You should care about it.

Don't gets me wrong.

I love this place.

It's just Missy Sue
always been the one who

gets the work done around here.

I just always have
bigger dreams, I guess.

I think I've
found my Mr. Right.

Just where were
you last night?

Well, I can explain
everything, Missy Sue.

And where were you, May?

David and I were
worried sick about you.

Well--

I don't suppose anyone
was worried about me.

Well?

Well, Jeb and I were together,
if you know what I mean.

You mean--

Yeah, another
virgin bites the dust?

Goddangit!

Make that two virgins.

Boy, I was starting to
worry about you, reading

all that frou frou stuff.

Now that we got all that out
of the way, let's get going.

We got a deed to find.

Ahem.

What is it, June?

I'm sorry, April,
for everything.

Did you just say
what I think you said?

If you give me another
chance, I promise I won't let

you or the group down again.

You mean I got my
best friend back?

For good this time.

All right, writing up
all this crybaby stuff.

We got work to do.

Come on, everybody.

Pappy's going to fix the shower.

Crazy Joe finally found

a use for those binoculars.

And one thing he
learned is that city

girls get dirty in a hurry.

And ain't we
the lucky ones for it?

Pig Hollow?

Oh, wait a minute.

That's where they went.

Boys, why don't
you tell Mr. Snively

what you told me this morning?

I'm breathless
with anticipation.

Oh, well, um, uh--

We'd be willing to help you
if you'd talk to the Sheriff

about getting us out of here.

I could do that.

Not only do I need you
to look for the deed,

but the Sheriff needs your
help with a little plan

I've devised.

You boys think you're up to it?

Uh-huh.

Excellent.

Now this is what
I want you to do.

It didn't take Snively

long to figure out he
needed someone else

to do his dirty work for him.

Hold it right
there, flower boy.

I thought I'd find you up here.

You that wacky artist bought the
place that borders Ghost Gulch.

I done some checking
on you, son.

I've come to find out
that your craziness

ain't all in your head.

It might have something do with
some wacky little weeds grow

so fine up here.

Now if'n you don't
want your place

to be subject to a
search, I just suggest you

cooperate with me and the boys.

Get your hands behind your head.

Joe Bob, Bob Bob, search.

Things have never been
the same since Woodstock.

If'n you want your little
secret to stay safe with me,

you're going to have to
do me a little favor, son.

Important.

Come to the old willows
place right away.

I didn't know anybody
around here could write.

I wonder who it is.

Please, it's not ready for
your eyes yet, my darling.

What the devil is going on?

And just who are you anyway?

Just a humble artist in
awe of your magnificence.

Look, mister, I don't
understand no French,

so if you want to
talk to me, you're

going to have to speak English.

I have something of great
importance to show you.

Can't it wait?

Because I got something
to show you, too.

Really?

Really.

Now, we shall create
art in its truest form.

Oh, baby!

As much is it
saddens me, my dearest,

I have been forced against
my will to give this to you.

Hm?

Internal Revenue Service.

Notice of repossession.

Property tax due, $25,000.

That does not sound good.

Pig Hollow, here I come.

Although I can't prove
it, something in my gut

tells me that Snively
is behind all this.

That's the president
of the bank you

were telling us about, right?

Mm-hmm.

And I'd be willing to bet that
old Roscoe is in on it, too.

Maybe you better
call the police.

Roscoe is the police.

We ain't going to
get no help there.

We owe that money
fair and square.

Now they just sped up the
process a little, that's all.

The South is
going to rise again.

Pa, go put that away.

OK.

What can we do to help?

For starters, keep
looking for the deed.

If we can find it
before they do,

we might stand a better chance.

Well then, we have just
looked everywhere for it.

I can think of one
place we haven't looked.

You mean?

Yes.

Crazy Joe's.

Crazy Joe's?

Yes, over yonder.

That's right.

Tonight only, the
girls appear topless.

And you get first
distribution on the photos.

Location?

Well, that's still
a little hush hush.

But I can tell you this much.

It's in a town
called Pig Hollow.

Yeah.

Listen, I'll call you
back with all the details.

Ciao.

Why did that
Sheriff have to go

leave us out here by ourselves?

You see anything yet?

Not yet.

There ain't no
such thing as ghosts.

There ain't no such
thing as ghosts.

So is this Crazy Joe
guy after your property?

Well, according to Pappy, an
Indian by the name of Crazy Joe

was the original
owner of Ghost Gulch.

When he died, he
wrote in his will

that his tepee was
never to be torn down.

Why?

In case he came back
from the dead, of course.

And from the looks
of things, he has.

So that's why they
call this place Ghost Gulch.

And whoever possesses the
original deed to the property

becomes the legal
owner of the land.

Well, maybe that's why
this Crazy Joe rumor is still

around, is to keep
people like Snively

from trying to steal the deed.

It ain't no rumor.

It's real.

Did you hear what I heard?

Yeah.

You know what that means.

We run like hell?

Yep.

Jimmy, baby.

Yeah, I know.

I'm having a bad
connection up here.

Having trouble
with my cell phone.

But listen, the
place, Ghost Gulch.

The time, sundown.

We're having us
a bikini hoedown.

Yeah,
talk to you later.

June, baby, if this topless
idea of yours works,

I might just spare
your miserable life.

Where the hell is
it, Pig Hollow?

Bingo.

Girls, have I got
a surprise for you.

This is maddening.

Yep.

How could you let them
lock themselves in there?

Did.

Obviously, they got
the keys from somewhere.

Yep, they got it from me.

But I didn't let them have it.

They had to work real hard.

They even threatened Mr. Fuzzy.

Maybe there is something to
this ghost thing after all.

It's about time I paid
little Missy Sue a visit.

She must be in need of
some financial advice.

I don't know which is
scarier, you or the ghost.

You need to ask?

You boys got room
for one more in there?

Two of us?

So what if my career is over?

So what if my best friend
slept with my boyfriend?

So what if--

What if I join you?

David.

No, April, please
don't try to stop me.

But--

You know, I don't know if it's
being out here in the country

air or running from a ghost, but
I just have to say this to you.

I think I'm in love with you.

What?

I said I love you.

It's about damn time.

Hold it right there, city boy!

Don't shoot.

What do you want?

I'll give you anything.

My car?

My house?

My credit cards?

You with the IRS?

IRS?

No.

No.

I'm with them.

Jeffrey?

You know this sneaky varmint?

Yeah.

I know him all right.

You want me to
shoot him for you?

April.

Not just yet.

Let's see what he has to
say for himself first.

All right.

But if'n you need me, I'll
be just inside the house.

Well, Jeffrey, to what do we
owe the honor of your presence?

Let me tell you all about it.

Absolutely not.

No.

But you can't say no.

We've got a contract.

Well, contracts are
made to be broken,

just like relationships.

April, sweetie, she
means nothing to me.

Nothing.

Can it, Jeffrey.

Ow.

I could sue you for that.

Now, here's the deal.

We'll do your little
hoedown on one condition.

Name it.

Baby, it's yours.

You tell him, May.

We keep 80%.

What?

You heard her.

It's 80% or no deal, big boy.

All right.

All right, it's 80%.

That comes to--

$50,184.62.

No.

Well, that's
enough money to pay

off the property taxes on Ghost
Gulch, and plenty of money

for us.

Who knew taking our clothes
off could be so rewarding?

Come on, girl.

We have a hoedown to put on.

Yee haw!

Oh, now we're looking good.

Yes, don't it, Pappy?

Oh, yeah.

Whoa.

Nice.

You did it.

Yeah.

We were
planning to sleep it off safe

and sound in our
little cozy jail cell,

away from the ghost and Snively.

But once again, fate was
about to stick out a foot

and trip us up.

Mr. Fuzzy don't like
people sneaking up on him.

My beauty, my beauty,
I'm going to save her.

Please, hear me out.

Wake up, boys.

Get a load of what
we've got here.

You.

Who, me?

June.

You seen Miss June?

I seen them.

We got to save them together.

Are them girls in trouble?

Big trouble.

They're the ones I've been
telling you about, Bob Bob.

If that Miss June or any of them
Three Seasons girls in trouble,

you can sure count on me.

Come on, Sheriff
Roscoe, what do you say?

Haven't you done done enough
for that low down skunk Snively?

Please?

Well,
it looked like the hoedown

was going to schedule.

The Three Seasons
girls were going

to make enough money
taking them off

them tops to pay off the
mortgage on Ghost Gulch

and have enough money
for themselves besides.

Ah, that's some
nice work if you can get it.

Get on in here.

Listen, you guys are
going to love this.

This whole topless
thing, my idea.

I'm going to make
you guys millions!

Here we go, come on
in here and get it.

Jeb, get up in here.

Go get it.

Come on, honey.

Let's drink one ourselves.

Thank you, Pa.

Now, here.

The moment y'all
been waiting for--

the one, the only Three
Seasons Bikini Team!

What the hell?

Who's there?

I know someone's there.

Show yourself, man.

Please don't hurt me!

Don't hurt me!

Crazy Joe?

Now you all don't
pay me no never mind.

I ain't fixing to ruin
your party or nothing.

I just kind of fell off
the wagon for a spell.

I done must have hit my
head pretty hard, too,

because I've been whooping it up
like a wild Indian ever since.

Don't you all
have some partying to do?

Well, get on with it then!

So you ain't really Crazy Joe?

You're about
half right, ma'am.

The name's Otis.

Say, maybe you can help
me with something here.

Pa, it's the deed
to Ghost Gulch.

I tried to give it to that
there fancy banker fella.

He didn't seem interested in it.

How about you?

Where did you find it?

Well, them fire water
spirits can get a fella

into a whole heap of trouble,
like picking up things

that don't belong to him.

You know, I've found
something else out there.

Maybe that there will make you
feel like you can straighten

this one out for you.

It's that repossession thing,
Pa, from the Internal Revenue

Service.

You might try asking that
there banker fella about that.

Just between me and you,
I think that boy's crazy.

Y'all have a good time now.

Bye.

I'm the one that tore that up.

But I thought you was
in cahoots with Snively.

Oh, not no more.

Why, he made all that
up about the IRS.

Yeah, he even tried to
fool me with it, too.

But I know this boy
doesn't do nothing legal.

Why, he was just trying
to scare you into having

to sell your farm to him.

Looks like he's got himself
all scared straight now.

You got anything to say
for yourself, Snively?

I do believe in spooks.

I do believe in spooks.

Bob Bob, come on, I'm going
to need some help with this boy.

That's a terrible
looking thing, hey?

Pitiful.

My beauty, I
finally finished it.

This is how I
envision your beauty.

Mister, I don't know what
your idea of beauty is,

but if'n you're willing
to settle for another roll

in the hay, I'm all yours.

Oh-- oh-- oh my god.

Don't-- don't.

Oh god.

Pa?

What you're doing.

Oh god.

In the end, everything

worked out just fine.

Snively went to jail.

Missy Sue and Pappy
saved the farm.

April, May, and June
all found true love.

Hey, even Joe Bob got laid.

As for me, I'm no longer
running moonshine.

I'm the new Sheriff
of Pig Hollow,

a happy ending after
all, except for old Roscoe,

of course.

It seems he and Mr. Fuzzy just
were a little bit too close.

Drop in and see him sometime.

You can find him at the
Pig Hollow Sanitarium.

Well, visiting hours are from
5:00 to 8:00 PM weekdays, 2:00

to 8:00 PM on the weekends.

Just remember, don't you
be speeding if you're going

there 'cause I'll be watching.