Mystery Monsters (1997) - full transcript
Tommy has just joined the cast of the top-rated kids' show, "Captain Mike's Mystery Monsters," and is anxious to find out just how the special effects crew gets the monsters to work. Imagine his surprise when he discovers they're not special effects at all! Adding to the situation, the monsters' original owner, evil Queen Mara, has returned to Earth to reclaim her property and take revenge on Captain Mike for stealing them.
("MultiCom Jingle")
(mysterious music)
(silly music)
- [Announcer] It's Cap'n
Mike's Mystery Monster Show.
♪ No one knows where they are from ♪
♪ But come and meet them everyone ♪
♪ Squidgy he just can't sit still ♪
- What's up, Cap'n?
♪ Blop is messy you can see ♪
♪ He's a lot like you and me ♪
♪ Esme laughs around the clock ♪
♪ Funniest monster on the dock ♪
(laughs)
- Hi, good morning, and
thanks for coming by.
I'm just decorating the Christmas tree.
Getting pretty cold out, you know?
Well, look who's here?
It's Jimmy and Susie.
Hi, kids!
- Hi, Cap'n Mike.
- Hi, Cap'n Mike.
- And who's this with you?
- Oh, this is my cousin, Tommy.
He'll be visiting us for the holidays.
- Hiya, Tommy.
- Hi, Cap'n Mike.
- Well, I was just putting
the finishing touches
on the Christmas tree.
Something's missing.
My popcorn strings.
- What's a popcorn string?
- Well, Tommy, you know,
down here on the dock,
we don't buy our Christmas
tree decorations.
We make them ourself.
You know, popcorn, cranberries, candy.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- I wonder where it could've gone to.
Esmeralda.
(laughs)
Esme.
- Wow, who's that?
- Oh, that's Esmeralda.
- Esmeralda, do you know
where my popcorn went to?
- [Esmeralda] Mmm mmm mmm mmm.
- Hmm.
I wonder.
Squidgy?
- What's up, Cap?
What's up, Cap?
- Do you know where my
popcorn strings are?
(silly music)
- Nope.
I'll look for it.
- Gee, he's fast.
- He sure is, but I still
don't have my popcorn.
Say, wait a second.
Blop.
- [Jimmy And Susie] Blop.
- [All] Blop.
- I'm sorry.
(laughs)
- Now, Blop, you know
you shouldn't take things
that aren't yours.
- That's right.
- They're right, Blop.
And you know what I always say.
- Cut.
Cast take five.
Now let's set up for the stealing song.
- [Jimmy] Somebody
please get me a Perrier.
- God, I hate this fake snow.
It's probably toxic.
(mysterious music)
- Hi, Tommy.
- Oh, hi.
- You can call me Mike.
You know, I know that
you're new around here
and you probably don't
have much experience
on a top-rated kid's television show.
- I don't have any kind of
experience on any kind of show.
(laughs)
- Yeah, yeah, fine.
Nationwide casting call, great stunt.
Point is that we'd like
you to stay around here
for a long time.
- Well, thanks Mike.
I wanted to ask you about the monsters.
I'm a big special effects
fan and I was just wondering.
- Now, in order for us to
do that, for you to stay,
there's a few simple rules
that you have to follow.
- [Tommy] Okay.
- Rule one, don't ask me
about the mystery monsters.
Rule two, never touch
the mystery monsters.
Rule three, never ever
under any circumstances
approach my dressing room door.
Do not listen at the door,
do not knock on the door,
do not go through the door.
Do you understand?
- Uh, sure.
- Good.
Now, do you know what
happens to little kids
who don't follow Cap'n Mike's rules?
- Um.
- They get fired!
They get fired.
Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.
Nice talking to you.
(mysterious music)
- Gee, and he was so nice at the audition.
- Yeah, well, that's showbiz.
(lightning crackles)
(mysterious music)
(grumbles)
- What is this contrivance?
- Oh, Most Holy Queen of Serpents.
Television, earthly entertainment device,
produces sounds and images for amusement.
- Why do you bother me with it?
- Oh, Most Holy Queen
of the Bottomless Pit,
pleased to observe earthly transmission.
- (gasps) It is them, my scaly minions
and him, the one who stole them.
You have done well, Groon.
- Groon lives to serve most
magnificent queen Mara.
- We shall travel again
to the realms of earth,
recover what is mine,
and destroy the thief
and those who serve him.
Prepare the liquid of transformation.
- See you next time boys and girls!
- [All] Bye!
- See you later.
- Bye!
- See you later.
- Bye bye.
- Bye bye.
- That's a wrap.
(alarm buzzing)
- Listen you, if you don't
quit stepping on my lines,
you're gonna be in deep trouble.
My agent will smear
your name all over town.
You'll be history in
this business, got it?
- Um.
- You better.
Some of us around her are professionals.
- Uh, sorry.
- Listen, don't let
Jimmy bother you, okay?
He's just worried about the Big P.
- What's the Big P?
- Puberty.
That's why Billy got the
boot and you got the job.
- Really?
I thought it was creative differences.
- Sure.
See, Billy thought he
could still be on the show
with his voice cracking.
They didn't.
Hey, didn't Mike tell you about that?
- What?
He said not to touch
the monsters or go near
his dressing room.
I'm not.
I'm looking for wires.
- Okay, it's your funeral, not mine.
(people mumbling on set)
(mysterious music)
- [Man] Set it down over there.
- Didn't I tell you to knock
before you came in here?
- Sorry.
- Close the door!
I need my privacy!
(men arguing)
(mysterious music)
- I can read you like a book.
You think Old Jimmy's over
the hill and you're getting
yourself in line to take my place.
- No, really.
They just had this open
casting call and my mom--
- Don't give me that
innocent little kid routine.
I was playing an innocent little kid
when you were still in
diapers and I'll be saying,
"hey Cap'n Mike, what's
that?" long after your career
is dead, dried up, and blown away.
Understa--?
Oh, god, my voice coach swore
I'd have another season.
(people muttering)
- [Man] This is earth money, man.
(woman mutters)
- [British Man] This is
the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
- [Man] Let's go, let's do this.
Watch your back.
(people muttering)
- Don't listen at the door,
don't knock at the door,
don't go through the door.
I'm clean.
- [Man] Hello?
(woman laughing)
- [British Man] Never in all my years.
(low grumbling)
- Alright.
I'll see your 10 and I'll raise you 10.
(female laughs)
- I'll see you and raise you 10.
- Raise 10, raise 10, raise 10. (laughs)
- Blop see.
Blop call (laughs)
- Alright, two pair of
Jacks high. (laughs)
- Three kings, (laughs)
three kings. (laughs)
- Blast it, ridiculous game.
A pair of aces.
Don't keep us in suspense.
Your hand?
- Come on.
(inhales)
(coughs)
- Show us your cards,
you squat drooling oaf.
- Four queens.
- Any game that can be won
by a moron is defective.
(Esmeralda muttering excitedly)
- Alright, lay off, lay off.
Stop the bickering.
(inhales)
(coughs)
- Why you cheap little scallion.
- Alright, knock it off, knock it off.
Let's remember who the master
is around here, alright?
(mutters)
Yeah, well, you know, it
could be plenty worse.
You could still be Queen
Mara's slaves, alright?
You could be scrounging
for Adamantine crystals
in the Kalahari Desert.
(blubbers)
That's it, that's it, that's enough.
Listen, I nearly got turned into limestone
stealing you guys.
I've been lugging you
around this stupid magic box
for 30 years.
I'm finally starting to turn
a little bit of a profit
on ya and I don't wanna hear no griping.
Cidra cidra modra gone,
open wide, oh Chest of Tron.
(electricity crackles)
Get in there you freaks.
Move!
(monsters sputter)
- [Squidgy] I don't want
to hear any griping.
(Mike mutters)
(mysterious music)
(upbeat music)
(knocking)
- Hold on.
Coming.
- Look, I know the truth.
- Huh?
- They're alive.
- Excuse me?
- They're some kind of magical beings.
He keeps them in his chest.
It's a magical chest.
The Chest of Tron.
- Oh, is this in the script
for tomorrow or something?
- No, no, I saw.
I swear.
Look, look, they were floating
around in the air, okay?
And one of them, Squidge, he was talking
with an English accent.
I saw them, they were playing poker.
- Look, Tommy.
I think you should discuss
this with your therapist, okay?
- What?
I don't have a therapist.
- Oh, I'll just give
you the number of mine.
- You don't believe me?
- You picked that up?
- I can prove it.
The next time he's in
there talking to himself,
I'll prove it to you.
I'll show you.
- Nope, not interested.
- Doesn't matter to you at
all, that you're performing
with some supernatural beings?
- So long as they hit their marks,
do what they're supposed
to, I really don't care
if they're the spawn of Satan.
Look, do you want the number or not?
(paper rips)
- I saw what I saw.
I'm not crazy.
I'll show you.
- Wait a minute.
What do you mean I'll see?
What are you thinking?
- Nothing.
- What do you mean you said I'll see?
What's going on in that head of yours?
- I don't know what you mean.
- Look, I'm a keen
observer of human behavior.
I'm an actress, Tommy.
Now, there might not
be that much in the way
of personality, but I don't
want you to get in trouble.
And frankly, this is where it's headed.
- I'm right about those monsters.
They're real.
I'll prove it to you.
- Hey, don't do me any favors
and don't do anything stupid.
At least if you do something
stupid, be careful.
- Thanks.
- Listen, you've got your
career to think about now.
You're a big kid TV star.
(horn honks)
- Take a look in the bag.
Sandy Koufax, 1964.
You know how long I've been looking
for that particular card?
My whole life.
It only cost me 120 bucks.
- Wow.
Dad, do you believe in the supernatural?
I mean, do you believe
that it's possible that,
say, for instance, that
supernatural beings
could live, say, inside this little box?
Um, say, that these living
creatures could even exist?
I mean, say someone stole
this box and they would own
this box.
Do you think there really
are supernatural beings?
What do you think?
Maybe I should call this
number Susie gave me.
Dad?
Do you think I need therapy?
- Next on the list, Carl Yastrzemski.
(birds chirping)
(car engine starts)
- Most magnificent queen,
it is he, the thief.
Shall I capture him now, oh holy one?
Long will I make him suffer.
- No, no.
His torture must come second.
First I must regain my
chest and my minions.
If we act carelessly, we
might fright the quarry.
The liquid of transformation
will soon wear off.
We must return to the dark realms.
But do not worry, there will
be time enough for torture.
- As you command, most
magnificent queen of the pit.
- No, no, no.
Do not call me queen.
Not here.
Call me by that other term you used.
The one who are the makers
of this entertainment.
- Producer.
- [Queen Mara] Was that it?
- Executive producer.
- Yes, that was it.
Executive producer.
I like that.
They produce, they execute.
Come, let us explore
this place of television.
- Is there anyone in this
building who knows how
to light a human face?
Is there?
I don't think so.
I say it, my mother says
it, and my agent says it.
I have translucent
skin, I need soft light.
(mysterious music)
- Stay in there, you little freak.
Be quiet.
(mysterious music)
How old are you?
- I'm sorry, Mike?
- I asked how old are you?
- Um, I'm 12.
- Oh, 12.
I'm gonna tell you something, Tommy.
In some societies when
children are 12 years old,
they work for 14 hours
a day, seven days a week
in a factory until their fingers are raw,
their backs are permanently
bent and their eyesight is shot.
Huh?
- Geez, that's terrible.
- Yeah, yeah, well, let me
tell you something, quiz kid.
I catch you messing around
these monsters again,
you're gonna envy those children.
You got that?
- Yes, sir.
I'm sorry.
- No, no, no, no.
Don't tell me you're
sorry, because when I make
somebody sorry, they're really sorry.
Got that?
- Yes, sir.
I'm mean, yes sir.
- Get out of here.
Get!
- Okay, sir.
- Get out.
- Yes, sir.
- Get.
- What?
- No comment.
No comment.
- What is this?
- Security guard.
Poorly paid mercenary
hired to defend access
to place of entertainment.
- Beg your pardon?
- Ah, a gatekeeper.
- Yes, most noble one.
Gatekeeper.
- Gatekeeper, announces to your master.
- I beg your pardon?
- Speak with respect most
renowned executive producer.
- Huh?
- What is name of man in authority?
- Man in authority?
- Yes.
What is boss?
Who is boss?
- You mean Mr. Hildebrandt.
You mean the executive producer?
- Yes, that's it, as I am.
An executive producer.
Quickly, go.
Announce us.
- Announce you?
- What is wrong with this lackey?
Does he know not better than
to question his superiors?
Announce us immediately or I
will have your master flog you.
- Hey, wait a second, wait a second.
Who are you two anyway?
You a couple of day players or something?
- Day player?
- Paid fool for short period of time.
Most exalted executive
producer Mara is not performer.
Groon is not performer.
- Hold on, hold on.
What are your names again?
- You are in the presence of
Miss Mara, executive producer,
renown in both word and
song and I am humble servant
of most magnificent
executive producer, Groon.
Chief execution.
Chief executive assistant,
personal assistant.
- So wait, so wait.
What are your names again?
- Groon, Mara.
- Which one is that?
Her name is Groon Mara?
- No, I am Mr. Groon.
My employer is Miss Mara.
- Okay, so I got two names.
Mara, is that a first name or a last name.
- Only name.
- Oh, like Roseanne.
I'm sorry, but I don't
have you on the list.
- List?
- [Guard] Nope.
Who did you say you had
an appointment with?
- Appointment?
- Pre-arranged time for meeting.
- Is he joking?
Am I to send to find when
this master of entertainments
would agree to see me?
- Guard, please to announce
executive producer, Miss Mara.
We will see Hildebrandt now.
Immediately.
- Oh, come on.
Let's be friends.
I mean, it's a cute act, but
you guys gotta go through
a casting director like everybody else.
Don't try and get by me.
Usually guys come here dressed
in bunny suits and stuff.
I admit, this is a twist, but
it don't play, you got me?
Bye, bye, see you around.
- Oh, this is absurd, Groon.
Flog him out of the way.
- Hey, don't you do that.
I don't care if you're
a couple of nut jobs
or just too pushy.
Either way, it don't make
any difference to me.
Wanna play nice, I play nice.
Wanna come here with
some kind of an attitude,
you're gonna get an attitude.
Now take that skinny babe and go back
to wherever you came from.
- Oaf.
You will taste the steel
when I cut the tongue
out of your head.
- Yeah, well, you're gonna
taste lead if you don't
get outta here.
- Stop.
Look at me.
Agarazi, agarazi, the earth you have been,
the earth you shall be.
(zaps)
Come Groon.
Let us find this Hildebrandt.
- Um, do you have an appointment
with Mr. Hildebrandt?
- We are not making appointment.
Extremely important
executive producer Miss Mara
is coming to see Mr. Hildebrandt.
Please to announce us.
- Well, Mr. Hildebrandt
is really very busy.
I'm certain that if you
told me what it's about--
- We are telling what it is
about to executive producer,
Hildebrandt.
- I, excuse me.
Are you Russian?
- Yes, Russian.
- Well, as I said, you have
to have an appointment.
I can't just announce you.
- Groon.
Now.
(zaps)
(gasps)
- Mr. Hildebrandt, there is
a Mr. Groon and a Miss Mara.
- Executive producer.
- Executive producer
Mara are here to see you.
- Who the hell are?
Oh, hi, it's good to finally meet you.
Please, come in.
- We are in.
I am Groon, special assistant
to most renown executive producer.
- Mara's the name.
It's a pleasure.
- Mara, yes.
Is that, I'm sorry, is
that a first name or um--
- Only name, Mara.
- Oh, I see.
Like Roseanne.
- Yes, like Roseanne, only more so.
- Well, what can I do for you, Mara?
- Are you the maker of
this entertainment, this--
- Cap'n Mike's Mystery Monsters.
- Yes, yes indeed.
Guilty as charged.
- Are you the owner of this show?
- Well, of course it's owned
by Cute Critter Entertainment,
but I oversee the running it.
- Are you the one to sell it?
- I'm sorry?
- I wish to buy it.
Everything.
This building, these offices,
everything they contain,
the show in total, your
possessions, your chattel.
- Cast and crew.
- Yes, I'm sorry.
Cast and crew, we want them, too.
All of them.
- Are you serious?
Miss, um, Mara.
I've built a company dedicated
to creating children's shows
that are both fun and educational.
Cap'n Mike is the combination
of 10 years of work.
It's my monument.
This show is my baby.
- Yes, we wish to buy your baby.
What's the price?
- I'm sorry, Mara.
But it really isn't for, hey, hey!
Watch it!
And I suppose this is
stuffed with small, bills?
Holy cow.
- There's much more where this came from.
Much more.
Name the price for your baby.
(grunts)
- Hello?
Hello?
Are you okay?
Oh my god.
What happened in here?
- Nothing, nothing.
Just please close the door.
- Will you please tell
me what you're doing?
- You don't wanna know.
- Oh my god, Tommy.
Just don't even tell me.
- I poked a hole through
the wall and I was watching
Mike and the monsters.
They're real.
Do you understand?
Not puppets, not animatronics.
They're real living creatures.
They talk, they play
poker, they do everything.
Look, he keeps them in a magic box.
I figured that these
walls only went up as high
as the dropped ceiling and I was right.
- You know, you are insane.
Just stop, okay?
- All I have to do is reach over the wall
and pull the ceiling
panels in on the other side
and I'm right--
- Out of a job and in
a mental institution.
Look, Tommy, it's the pressure, okay.
You've cracked.
It was fast, too.
Look, what about me?
- What about you?
You don't have to stay
here if you don't want to.
- Thanks, I know that.
But it's just too late now.
You've put me in a completely
unacceptable position.
Look, Tommy, don't you understand?
If I help you, then that
makes me an accomplice.
If I know what you're
doing and I don't tell,
then it makes me an accessory.
If I go and tell on you,
it makes me a snitch,
plus I get fired.
How am I supposed to handle that?
That you put me in a moral quandary.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, well, you know what?
Sorry just does not solve my problem.
(sighs)
- Hey, who you calling?
- My therapist.
Hello, Sheila.
Yeah, this is Susie.
Look, is Dr. Weinstein there?
No.
Yes, this is important,
very important, Sheila.
No, look, Sheila, what I'm
doing as I'm talking to you
right now could destroy
my future and maybe
my entire career.
No, it's not that.
Fine, fine, Sheila.
Just have him call me later
if it's not too much trouble.
- Okay, I'm going through.
- You're doing what?
- I'm going through.
- Oh my god.
- Watch your step here.
We've got state of the
art equipment, of course.
We just upgraded the
lighting grid, put in our own
in-house avid editing facility
and we have a new flame unit
to generate our own effects.
- Oh, Mr. Hildebrandt, Mr. Hildebrandt!
Joey, the guard at the front
desk seems to have disappeared.
- I'm sorry.
- Joey, the security guard at
the front desk is not there
and nobody seems to know what happened.
- Oh, um, well, call
up the security company
and have them send somebody else over.
- Okay.
- Sheila, nice earrings.
Nice, nice earrings.
- Thank you.
- Hey, gotta give them a
little stroke now and then.
Gotta keep the help happy.
- Why?
- Motivation.
Gets them working hard.
- Surely fear of death and
torture is the best motivation.
- Um, I guess it would
be at that. (laughs)
Now look, Mara.
- Executive producer Mara.
- Right, right.
Executive producer Mara.
I know you're serious and so
I wanna be serious with you.
Now, somebody walks in
here with a suitcase
full of money, which is
secured in my personal safe,
by the way, obviously,
I'm going to be tempted,
you understand, but even
if the money is right,
it's a little bit irregular.
Now, not that I'm
accusing you of anything.
I mean, gosh, no, but I don't wanna get
a knock at the door
and find myself staring
at somebody from the SEC
or even worse, the FBI.
You know what I mean?
- Actually, I haven't the slightest idea.
Groon?
- SEC, acronym for Securities
and Exchange Commission.
Local government organization
controlling usury,
exchanges of currency,
and promises of exchanges
of currency.
Authorized to inflict punishment
for failure to conform
to established money exchange in rituals.
- And the other?
The FBI?
- Also acronym.
FBI, Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Government controlled secret police.
- Ah, I see.
Well, rest assured we
do not intend to violate
any of the local various
forms and the rituals
of money exchange.
Anything that you may want
in the form of promises,
binding ceremonies,
hostages, you'll find me
most amenable.
However, there is a time factor.
- Understood, understood.
But, I haven't actually agreed to sell.
You see, a show like
this isn't just a show.
It's an institution.
Even if the money is right,
I can't actually part
with the show.
At the very least, I'd
wanna preserve some sort
of interest in the show.
- Interest?
- Partial continued ownership.
- Ah, I see.
No, I think I will need everything.
- Well, there, you see?
In my heart, that's a conflict.
I can sense that you're a bit
new to this business, Mar,
executive producer Mara.
It's hard to explain to
you what I'd be giving up
if I sold this show.
(door slams)
Mike, Mike, Mike, hi.
- Nevermind the Mike, hi.
We've got a problem, Jordy.
I want that new kid to stay
away from the monsters.
- Not until we find my minions.
- Look, Mike, I'm sorry.
Could we talk about this later?
- No, the contract, okay?
Cast and crew are to stay
strictly away from my monsters.
That's the rule.
- Your monsters?
- Is there an echo or something in here?
- And Mike, it's a good
rule, and I respect it
and I will talk to the little
tyke myself personally later.
- You'd better, because
remember something.
If I go, my monsters go.
If they go, the show goes.
And if the show goes, you're
back doing home videos
about dental care.
- Point well taken, Mike.
I'll certainly deal with it.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
Who are you people anyway, huh?
Have we met someplace?
- Who can say?
Where precisely have you been?
- What do you need, babe?
An itinerary?
- Oh, now, Mike, be nice.
These are potential investors.
- Yes, nice.
- Ah, investors, huh?
What exactly, just for
the record, what exactly
are your credits?
TV, movies, huh?
Sell through videos?
Puppet shows, kids parties?
I bet the big guy looks
great in a gorilla suit.
- Come on now, Mike.
There's no reason for this.
These two have lots of
experience overseas.
- Oh, overseas.
What, Italian soap operas,
German experimental TV,
Masterpiece Theater, maybe?
- No, none of those Captain Mike.
My entertainments are
generally of my own devising
for my own pleasure.
- Ah, terrific.
- Yet, all my entertainments
prove to be most diverting
for the participants.
- Participants?
- Yes, in my work, we make no distinction
between audience and--
- Talent.
- Yes, talent.
When I stage an entertainment,
everyone participates.
And afterward, there are no complaints.
- Oh, so you're into some
kind of interactive stuff.
- Yes, distinctly interactive.
- Oh, well, I'm really impressed.
Now listen.
Talk to the kid.
Do it.
And remember something else,
just for the record, okay.
You're a tiny insignificant
little paper pushing pipsqueak
with an MBA from a second rate college.
You mess with me, I'll chew
you up and spit you out.
Got that?
- Okay, Mike.
Thanks.
I think we understand each other.
Talent. (laughs)
What can I say?
You're sure that you're still interested?
That's what you'd have to deal with.
- Oh yes, I am still very interested.
And I have no doubt that Mr. Groon
can bring his unparalleled skills to bear
in handling the recalcitrant talent.
- I have dealt often with talent.
- I'd love to know your secret.
- Pain, brutality, and the
methodical application of terror.
- Yes, Groon is an extremely
talented personal assistant.
- Yes, I can see that he would be.
- Well, executive producer Hildebrandt.
You were just explaining
to us what you would lose
if you sold this show.
- Was I?
Somehow I seem to have
lost my train of thought.
Derailed. (laughs)
(mysterious music)
(sighs)
(mysterious music)
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna open the box.
- You're insane.
- Yeah, we'll find out in a second.
(mysterious music)
- [Susie] What are you doing now?
- I'm gonna say the magic words.
Cidra, cidra, modra gone,
open wide, oh Chest of Tron.
(electric whirring)
- Oh.
- Hello, darling.
(groaning)
- Hi, there.
I'm Tommy.
- Stop stuttering.
Where's Anderson?
- Oh, you mean Cap'n Mike?
- Yes, yes.
Where is he?
- I guess he's gone home.
- You guess?
Do you have any idea what he'll do to you
if he comes back here?
- Get me fired.
- Yes, well, fire would probably
figure it in some fashion.
Now, listen to me.
Are you listening?
- Yes.
- [Squidgy] For 30
years, we've been slaves
to that egotistical idiot.
Now, you've opened up the box.
Now we're your slaves.
- But I don't want any slaves.
- It's a little late to
be thinking of that now.
You're our master, and do
you know what that means?
- Um, no.
- It means that you've got
to do exactly as I tell you
to do.
Do you understand?
- Well.
- Oh, there's no time for waffling.
You've got to get us out of here.
Don't you understand?
We're superior beings.
(slurping)
(farts)
Well, I am at any rate.
We're being forced to participate
in this horrible
enterprise against our will
and you have to rescue us.
- What horrible enterprise?
- Do you think I like
running around saying,
"brush your teeth, brush your
teeth, brush your teeth?"
day after miserable day?
I was once chief advisor to
the royal hive clan of Kumar.
It's personally humiliating.
- What's gonna happen to the show?
- Nevermind the show.
Think about your obligation to, to us.
(sniffing)
Would you please be quiet?
What is it?
- It's Mara.
(screams)
(groans)
- Don't be ridiculous.
How could she have found us after 30?
- (grunts) I can smell her.
I can smell her. (gasps)
- Well, how should I know
what you're smelling?
It could be leftovers from
yesterday's craft table.
(shudders)
It's her!
It's her! (cries)
- As you can see, we have a complete
production facility here.
We only use this stage for Cap'n Mike
and we, oh, may I interest
you in a bagel and lox?
- Huh?
Oh, yes, thank you.
- Sure.
And we lease out the other stages.
We just had a horror
movie shooting next door.
- Yes, fascinating.
Now, your fools.
- Talent.
- Yes, your talent.
They have private chambers?
- Chambers?
Oh, you mean dressing rooms.
- Yes, private rooms.
I wish to see them.
- Of course.
Follow me, please.
- In heaven's name, hide everyone.
Hide!
(groans)
(screams)
(coughs)
- Blast.
- Help us, you young dunce.
- What's going on?
- Look, look, please, I don't know.
Just calm down, alright?
- It's really quite simple.
Cap'n Mike stole us away from the Queen
of the Bottomless Pit and now she's here.
Close, and the smell is getting stronger.
(groans)
Quiet!
And she's not alone.
Her chief executioner, Groon, is with her.
- It's right down here
at the end of the hall.
Have I mentioned we just
had the place redecorated?
I kinda like it.
- Young man, nice young
man, gentle young man,
intelligent young man.
If you don't get us out of
here in the next 30 seconds,
we three are going to
be Mara's slaves again
and you two will be reduced to
unshaped mineralized nodules.
Am I making myself clear?
- Right, back in the box.
(electric zapping)
- What're you gonna do?
- Save them.
- This chamber?
It is his?
- Yes, this is Mike's room.
It's locked, of course.
- I see.
Open it.
- Well, I can't.
- Why not?
It does not seem to be
protected in any way.
- Well, you see, there's a contract.
- Sworn agreement in writing
indicating obligations
and punishments for failure.
- Ah, so you've agreed not to enter
Captain Mike's dressing room?
- That's right.
- And no doubt there would
be lethal consequences
for disobedience to this oath.
- To put it mildly.
- Yes, but Groon and I
have not sworn this oath.
- That's true, but you don't know
all the legal hocus pocus
they put in those contracts.
I can't give you permission.
- Then don't.
You have the key?
- Of course, I have the key to every room.
I mean, it is my studio.
- So, you do have the key.
Perhaps you drop it on the floor.
Groon bends over to pick it up.
You tell us we're not
allowed to enter the chamber.
We disobey you.
- I don't know.
- Executive producer Hildebrandt,
this is extremely important to me.
It is, what is that term?
- Deal breaker.
- Yes, it is one of those.
(thuds)
- (clears throat) You
know you're not allowed
to go into Cap'n Mike's dressing room.
- I disobey you.
- Search.
- (clears throat) What
exactly are you looking for?
(mysterious music)
- The chest is not here,
oh most executive producer.
(crash)
(mysterious music)
- Now, now, wait a sec.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Hildebrandt.
- Hi, Mr. Hildebrandt.
- We were just rehearsing our lines.
Tommy, have you seen Cap'n Mike?
- He's down at the bake shop with Jimmy.
- What was banging noise?
- Oh, Susie, Tommy, this
is Mr. Groon and Mara.
They're thinking about
investing in the show.
- Yes, investing.
What was banging noise?
- We were just moving
some furniture around
to rehearse our lines.
- You shouldn't do that.
You know you could hurt yourselves.
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
Listen, I gotta go, I'm late
for a rollicking session.
Bye, Timmy.
Bye, everybody.
It was really nice meeting you.
- See you tomorrow, Susie.
So, what is it you guys are looking for?
- Just looking.
- Hi.
- Hello, child.
- Not here.
- Well, it must be around here somewhere.
Come along, Groon.
Executive producer Hildebrandt.
(sighs)
- Hey, come here.
Is that her, that woman?
- Well, they're after
the box, that's for sure.
- This is a nightmare.
You know, what if they caught me?
I'd probably be a nodule right now.
What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
I haven't had much time to think.
Look, please come to my house.
We need to talk.
(horn honks)
- Hey, hey, got the Yastrzemski.
Only 450 bucks.
- Dad, this is Susie from the show.
She's gonna be coming home with me today.
- You know, I bought
the frame for this thing
over 10 years ago.
I kept it in my desk.
It's got this great little
bronze plaque on it.
You know, these babies don't
come on the market very often.
- Dad, this is Susie.
- And I know exactly
where I'm gonna hang it.
Right between my first season
Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth.
Oh man, The Babe.
- Dad, this is Susie from the show.
She's gonna be coming
home with me to rehearse.
Okay?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Hop on in.
- So, Susie, are you
interested in baseball cards?
- No.
- Oh.
(dog barks)
- Cidra cidra modra gone,
open wide oh Chest of Tron.
(electric zapping)
- Oh, thank the seven stars.
I was sure it was going to be Mara.
(sighs)
(groans)
- Okay, listen up Squidge.
You said I was your master, right?
- Yes, it's true.
You spoke the secret charm,
you opened up the box.
That, as they say, makes you the boss.
- Well, I need your help to stop Mara.
- (screams) No, not Mara.
(groans)
- Oh really?
Young man, while I do
recognize the similarities,
that is not a lamp and we are not genies.
(grunts)
(groans)
- Well, you must be able
to tell us something.
- Very well.
Point one, Mara and Groon
don't belong to this dimension.
This is why they need servants
like us to do their bidding
on earth and other places.
In order for them to exist
at all, they must use
something called the
Liquid of Transformation.
They can only remain on earth
until the effects expire,
which is only a matter of
two days, and once back
in their own dimension, it will be decades
before they regain
sufficient etheric substance
to return again to earth in solid form.
- Well, that should be easy enough.
If they came today,
they'd be gone tomorrow,
so all we have to do is put
you guys back in the box,
send it second day FedEx, and
if Queen Mara comes looking,
then you guys would be gone and--
- And you guys wouldn't
be anywhere around here
or anywhere she could find you.
- Yes, I suppose that would
be a partial solution.
- What do you mean, partial?
- I mean that it will
get rid of Queen Mara,
but it would still leave us slaves.
- Oh, that.
Don't worry about that.
I don't wanna be a master.
I'll just set you free.
- [Squidgy] Really?
How?
- Well, by saying, "you're free."
- If only it were that easy.
- Well, I mean, even if I am your master,
you could all do whatever you wanted.
- Yes, that would be lovely
for now, until someone else
would steal the box or
until you grew old and died
and we were inhabited by
some greedy offspring.
Oh, but you wouldn't want
that on your conscious,
would you?
- I guess not.
- No, of course not.
A good little boy like you know the answer
is still our freedom
and that is a problem.
- What would I have to do?
- It isn't a question of
what you'd have to do.
You see, in order for us to
be free, the Chest of Tron
would have to be destroyed
and unfortunately,
there's only one person who can do that.
- Queen Mara?
(groans)
(door knocks)
- Freeze.
- Hi, I heard you brought
a friend from (gasps).
Oh, goodness, what has
been going on in here?
- Um, we've been rehearsing for, um.
- Physical comedy.
- Oh, well, I know you two are TV stars,
but you know what?
You're just gonna have
to clean up this mess
when you're done.
- No problem, mom.
- So, can I get you guys
a snack or something?
- [Tommy] Oh, that's okay.
Thanks a lot, though.
- Oh, okay.
(gasps) Say, is that one of
those little monster guys?
Oh. (laughs)
- Uh, yeah, well, we
use him for rehearsal.
- These things are just so cute.
Oh! (laughs)
Look at this guy.
Brush my teeth, brush my
teeth, brush my teeth.
Okay, I think I'll just let you
guys get back to rehearsing.
(sighs) Bye.
- Sorry.
- Please do let us know, what
are you going to do, master?
- I'll free you if I can, but how?
(mysterious music)
- This agreement is binding
upon you, your heirs,
assignees, et cetera, et cetera.
- Agreement cannot be
subverted by invoking
third person not bound by agreement.
- Yes, very well, very well.
- Are you, I'm sorry.
Are you sure you don't wanna
have your own lawyer here?
This is rather a large transaction.
- I am unconcerned.
- Well, now, the party of the first part,
Jordan Hildebrandt, upon
considerations received
does hereby convey all rights
of ownership whatsoever
throughout the universe
including real property,
literary property, and well,
this is all pretty much standard.
- Yes, standard.
Executive producer,
Hildebrandt, look at me.
Does this paper give me
possession of this building,
all that it contains, the
show, everything in this place
that is yours, to me
alone without deception
or prevarication?
- Um, well, of course not.
I agreed to give you the building
and the rights to the show, and now,
just hold on.
Thomas, did we specify that Mara received
all of the show's video rights?
- Well, I'm really not sure.
- Well, we'd better check. (laughs)
Oh, look here.
According to this, I do keep some
of the show's video rights.
- Really?
That must have been a mistake. (laughs)
- Yes, of course.
- I mean, it's a boiler plate.
It must've just snuck by.
- Well, we don't wanna
seem as if we're doing
anything deceptive.
Now, I see.
These are very minor rights anyways.
They're hardly worth bothering about.
Maybe, maybe we should just--
- They are minor?
- Yes, just, well, here they are.
I mean, just a little mistake.
I don't know whether it's worth
even revising the contract.
They're really not worth bothering about.
- Then best not to trouble
yourself with them, yes?
Best be rid of them.
- I suppose.
I suppose that makes sense, right?
- Sure, Jordan.
If it makes you happy.
- Here, let me just change them.
It's right here.
Hold on.
Okay, I'll just revise, I'll rewrite this.
Just cross this out and initial it here.
Oh, okay.
There.
Okay.
Sure, and that's fine.
There we go, and.
Not to be concerned,
it's just an oversight.
- Groon, the currency.
(mysterious music)
The contract.
Groon, bare thy sacrificial blade.
(mysterious music)
By this, my royal blood,
the blood of the serpent,
I hereby affix my sign and my oath.
May I be burnt and torn
asunder if I ever should break
this oath, til the final
day when the last star
is grown cold.
Executive producer
Hildebrandt, do you wish
to use my blade or would
you prefer to use your own?
- This is rather irregular. (laughs)
Jordan, are you sure about this?
- Um, (clears throat)
your blade would be fine.
(people chattering)
- Jimmy?
- It's a disaster, a disaster.
Why is this happening?
I never wanted to be an
actor in the first place.
My mom forced me.
I really wanted to direct.
Everything was fine until you came.
Who are you?
What are you?
I think you're evil.
God, I've gotta call my agent.
- Hey.
- So, what's it like out there?
- Chaos.
- Yeah, I'm not surprised.
Mike found out his box is missing
and he's gone completely ape wad.
That's not all.
- What else?
- Get out of my way!
You!
You're on the unemployment line.
All you people are unemployed permanently.
And I'll tell you something else.
If I ever catch the guy who
entered my dressing room
it's gonna be death.
Death, do you understand?
Followed by a lot of pain!
- Mr. Anderson, please,
I need to speak to you.
- Where is that worm in tan slacks?
- Mr. Hildebrandt?
That's exactly what I needed
to speak to you about.
- Just who the hell was in
my dressing room.
Okay, where's Hildebrandt?
- Groon, the door.
(door closes)
- Well?
- Where's the box?
- The box?
What box?
- The box containing the mystery monsters.
We've searched everywhere.
We can't find it.
Where is it?
- What is this?
Nobody has been in my dressing room but me
since I started on this show.
Now, if the monsters were in a box
and then they weren't there
and then the box wasn't there,
how do you even know there was a box?
Answer me that one, lady.
- Look at me.
Look into my eyes.
(electrical crackle)
- It's you.
- Are you sure that was
her, from yesterday?
- Listen, I'm sure.
What, Hildebrandt's out and now she's in?
She doesn't care about the show.
She wants the box.
- And now Mike's in there with her.
- Yeah.
- Who you calling?
- I'm gonna call a car.
- Why?
- Hi, Jack.
Yeah, this is Susie from
the Cute Critters Stage.
Yes, listen, I need a limo ASAP.
Yeah, okay, thank you.
We'll be waiting.
Okay, bye.
Listen up, smart kid.
Mara wants the box, Mike
doesn't know where it is.
Who do you think he's gonna blame?
The kid who wanted the monsters.
Then where do you think that
snake lady's gonna be next?
- My house.
Come on.
- You've got some
explaining to do, young man.
- What is it?
- Those things, those monster things?
You left them on.
- I did?
- They've been running all over the house.
- Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't--
- Look, we are just
gonna have to put an end
to rehearsing at home.
- Right, you're absolutely right.
- And I want you to know,
this is all coming out
of your paycheck, young man.
- Listen, don't worry.
This type of thing happens all the time.
The show will pay for it.
- [Parents] Oh.
- I'll go get them.
Oh, by the way, if a tall, beautiful woman
and a hairy man are looking
for us or the monsters,
don't tell them we're here.
- What?
- Come on.
(mysterious music)
- Why didn't you put them back in the box?
- Well, Squidge just started talking about
the whole master/slave thing.
I just felt guilty.
So I told them to--
- What'd you tell them?
- To make themselves at home.
(mysterious music)
Look, why don't you just go
to my room and get the box
and I'll find the monsters.
- Okay.
(sighs)
- Oh, hello there.
- Hello, there?
Hello, there?
What's going on?
- Well, I've been having breakfast.
- I can't discuss this with you right now.
Look, if Queen Mara isn't on
the way, she will be soon.
We've gotta get the others
and get back to the stage.
Did you find Blop or Esmeralda in my room?
- No.
- Let's try my parent's room.
- [Suidgy] Hey, watch it.
No need for roughness!
- [Tommy] Oh, come on.
- [Squidgy] Put me down.
(laughs)
(coughs)
(laughs)
(blows kisses)
(blows raspberries)
(coughs)
- Excuse me, is that my mother's stuff?
Where could Blop be?
Oh no.
- What?
- My dad's office.
(screams)
(humming)
- I like baseball. (laughs)
All mine, all mine. (laughs)
I wonder if he has any more. (laughs)
All mine. (laughs)
I like baseball cards.
- Stop!
- Oh.
- Where's the Yastrzemski?
- What in the world is a Yastrzemski?
- It's a baseball card.
Blop?
- (groans) I don't know.
Talking to me?
- Blop, give it back!
(groans)
- Now, you all listen up.
You wanna be free or not?
- [Squidgy] Of course.
- Then you guys can't hide
while we take the risks.
We're all gonna have to work as a team.
- You mean we're going to have to face.
- Yeah, Queen Mara.
(groans)
Look, guys, it's the only way.
If you don't help, there's
no way this is gonna work.
It may not even work if you do help.
It's all up to you.
Well?
- Yes, of course.
Freedom can never be a gift.
It must be fought for.
I'm with you.
And what about you two?
Are you going to sit there quivering
or are you going to live
up to your heritage?
We're not just kid show props.
We're terrifying supernatural entities.
Right?
- (shudders) Right.
(groans)
- Now back in the box.
Look, dad, I'm sorry about the mess,
but I swear I'll clean it up.
- Now you just wait a second.
- Tommy, I--
- Oh, and if that beautiful
woman and hairy guy
come looking for us, just
tell them that we're back
at the stage and, uh, if
they wanna search the house,
just let them.
- [Parents] What?
- Oh, you have to.
It's in the contract.
Yeah, they search my house all the time.
- Oh, well.
- Thanks a lot, dad, mom.
I love you.
- Me, too.
Bye.
(mysterious music)
- Are we all clear on the plan?
- Clear, but not enthusiastic.
- Okay, give me the
bag and go around front
and check if the coast
is clear and come around
and meet us on the crib set.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, you guys know what to do.
- (groans) Ready.
- Ready.
- Ready. (laughs)
- Are you ready?
- This is the most demented
thing I've ever been a part of.
My entire conception of
reality's been uprooted.
- Yeah, but are you ready?
- Of course.
I'm a pro.
- Now comes the hard part.
We've gotta talk to Jimmy.
(groans)
- [Mike] No, no.
- I think it's encouraging.
- Please, please.
No. (gasp)
Look, look, it was just
a misunderstanding.
See?
I'll give you everything,
anything you want.
Anything.
- Yes, Groon will cut off nose now.
- No, please!
- Groon, not yet.
He might pass out.
We wouldn't want that.
(crying)
Do you recognize this?
- Um, I, uh?
- It is the Wand of Apsol.
You tried to steal it
from my treasure house
in the Kalahari, but you
dropped it when you ran away
with the Chest of Tron
and my scaly minions.
Careless of you.
Turn your head.
No, the other way.
(electric zap)
(whimpers)
A handy little toy.
It can cut fine as a nerve or rough.
(electric zap)
(yells)
How do you prefer it?
Fine or rough?
(stammering)
Surely you must realize that prevarication
can serve no purpose other than to prolong
our time together.
Why bother?
- I swear, I swear.
I kept it under my table.
- Then where is it?
Are you saying that by
sheer chance after 30 years
just as I return from
the realms of darkness
that some unknown third
party happens along
and steals the Chest of Tron?
My time on earth is short.
I must return at the setting of the sun.
But I swear, to you it will seem long.
Now answer me or my
wand will do the asking.
- I don't know where it
is, I swear I don't know.
(cries) I swear!
Wait, wait.
That kid.
The kid.
- Okay, let me get this straight.
Now Captain Mike stole
the monsters from Mara,
who's an evil queen from another dimension
and Tommy stole them from Mike.
Now Mara wants to steal them
back and we need to trick Mara
into destroying the box
so that the monsters
will be free and you
need my help to do it?
- That's about it.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Okay?
- Yeah, you see, I know you both hate me,
and everyone does.
It's because I'm selfish and obnoxious.
If I wasn't me, I'd hate me.
I don't have to be that way
if I don't want to, though.
I can be heroic, I can be trustworthy.
I can be a regular guy.
I can be anything I want, no problem,
and I'm gonna prove it to
you, so you can trust me.
I'm with you, 100%.
- Clear the way, clear the way, lackeys.
Executive producer Mara passes.
- You wouldn't be looking for
the Chest of Tron, would you?
- And how did you come to
hear that phrase, brat?
- (scoffs) Don't be that way.
You're looking for Tommy
Winters and the chest
and the mystery monsters.
They told me all about it.
- Oh really?
- Yeah, I'm a part of their plan.
You see, if you show up,
I'm supposed to distract you
by telling you they hid the
chest in the trunk of their limo
and then one or both of you
would go off chasing after it
and meanwhile, they'd be
working on their own plan.
- I see.
And what is their own plan?
- That depends.
- On what?
- On how much you give me to tell you.
If it's enough, I'll tell you the truth,
but if it's not, I'll lie, and by the time
you figure out which is
which, it'll be too late.
You'll be back to limbo.
- Well, young man, you
seem like someone with whom
I can do business.
(mysterious music)
You, girl, stop.
Where is the brat?
- Which one?
- The new one.
- Oh, he went tearing
off to the main entrance.
- Check her tote bag.
- Jimmy, you are such a traitor.
- Kid TV's a dog eat dog world.
(monsters muttering)
- Stop, girl!
Out of my way, oaf!
- As my producer commands.
- Go search.
If you find any children, crush them.
- As most executive producer commands.
(boxes clattering)
(blows raspberry)
Scaly ones are here, most noble mistress.
Groon will crush them.
- He's over there.
- You promised you wouldn't tell.
- You should've got it in writing.
- No more running, boy.
There's no place left to go.
Now put the box down and
step back from it, now.
- No.
- Then pay the price for
defying the Queen of Serpents.
(electric zap)
No!
- Come on, let's get going.
- Did you think it would
be so easy to destroy me?
Give them back, now.
I will build them a new chest
that not even I can destroy.
- If you want them, come and get them.
- I will come for you.
I will not forget.
My chamber of torture awaits you.
(sighs)
- It's amazing what a color Xerox can do.
(laughs)
- Boy, am I great, or what?
You thought I'd screw up, didn't you?
- Nah, I trusted you.
- Yeah, well, I thought you'd screw up.
- I'll show you something else.
- [Tommy] What's that?
- Ownership papers.
The ones they signed
when they bought the show
from Hildebrandt.
The ones they signed over to me.
- Wait a minute.
She gave you the show?
- Nope, she gave us the show.
- All three of us?
- Nope, all six of us.
(groans)
- How strange.
I'm actually starting to like this boy.
(laughs)
- You did okay, man.
- [Announcer] Welcome,
kids, to a brand new
Mystery Monsters Show.
♪ Esmeralda she's a doll ♪
♪ She likes shopping at the mall ♪
♪ MC Blop, he's still a mess ♪
♪ But he's the one that kids love best ♪
(laughs)
- Well, hello there, children.
Thank you ever so much for stopping by.
We're going to have an
edifying show for you today.
Oh, look who's here.
It's Tommy and Susie. (laughs)
(applause)
- Hi.
- Hello.
- [Tommy And Susie] Hello, Squidgy.
What's happening today?
- South wind and zero stratus clouds.
The weather should be lovely.
(crashing)
- Who could that be?
- Sounds like Barnacle Bob.
(crashes)
- Sorry about that, Mr. Squidgy.
- Oh, that's alright, Barnacle Bob.
But I think you better
clean up your mess. (laughs)
- Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on it.
(applause)
(laughs)
(applause)
- Keep laughing, keep laughing.
Fade to black.
(upbeat music)
(mysterious music)
("MultiCom Jingle")
(mysterious music)
(silly music)
- [Announcer] It's Cap'n
Mike's Mystery Monster Show.
♪ No one knows where they are from ♪
♪ But come and meet them everyone ♪
♪ Squidgy he just can't sit still ♪
- What's up, Cap'n?
♪ Blop is messy you can see ♪
♪ He's a lot like you and me ♪
♪ Esme laughs around the clock ♪
♪ Funniest monster on the dock ♪
(laughs)
- Hi, good morning, and
thanks for coming by.
I'm just decorating the Christmas tree.
Getting pretty cold out, you know?
Well, look who's here?
It's Jimmy and Susie.
Hi, kids!
- Hi, Cap'n Mike.
- Hi, Cap'n Mike.
- And who's this with you?
- Oh, this is my cousin, Tommy.
He'll be visiting us for the holidays.
- Hiya, Tommy.
- Hi, Cap'n Mike.
- Well, I was just putting
the finishing touches
on the Christmas tree.
Something's missing.
My popcorn strings.
- What's a popcorn string?
- Well, Tommy, you know,
down here on the dock,
we don't buy our Christmas
tree decorations.
We make them ourself.
You know, popcorn, cranberries, candy.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- I wonder where it could've gone to.
Esmeralda.
(laughs)
Esme.
- Wow, who's that?
- Oh, that's Esmeralda.
- Esmeralda, do you know
where my popcorn went to?
- [Esmeralda] Mmm mmm mmm mmm.
- Hmm.
I wonder.
Squidgy?
- What's up, Cap?
What's up, Cap?
- Do you know where my
popcorn strings are?
(silly music)
- Nope.
I'll look for it.
- Gee, he's fast.
- He sure is, but I still
don't have my popcorn.
Say, wait a second.
Blop.
- [Jimmy And Susie] Blop.
- [All] Blop.
- I'm sorry.
(laughs)
- Now, Blop, you know
you shouldn't take things
that aren't yours.
- That's right.
- They're right, Blop.
And you know what I always say.
- Cut.
Cast take five.
Now let's set up for the stealing song.
- [Jimmy] Somebody
please get me a Perrier.
- God, I hate this fake snow.
It's probably toxic.
(mysterious music)
- Hi, Tommy.
- Oh, hi.
- You can call me Mike.
You know, I know that
you're new around here
and you probably don't
have much experience
on a top-rated kid's television show.
- I don't have any kind of
experience on any kind of show.
(laughs)
- Yeah, yeah, fine.
Nationwide casting call, great stunt.
Point is that we'd like
you to stay around here
for a long time.
- Well, thanks Mike.
I wanted to ask you about the monsters.
I'm a big special effects
fan and I was just wondering.
- Now, in order for us to
do that, for you to stay,
there's a few simple rules
that you have to follow.
- [Tommy] Okay.
- Rule one, don't ask me
about the mystery monsters.
Rule two, never touch
the mystery monsters.
Rule three, never ever
under any circumstances
approach my dressing room door.
Do not listen at the door,
do not knock on the door,
do not go through the door.
Do you understand?
- Uh, sure.
- Good.
Now, do you know what
happens to little kids
who don't follow Cap'n Mike's rules?
- Um.
- They get fired!
They get fired.
Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.
Nice talking to you.
(mysterious music)
- Gee, and he was so nice at the audition.
- Yeah, well, that's showbiz.
(lightning crackles)
(mysterious music)
(grumbles)
- What is this contrivance?
- Oh, Most Holy Queen of Serpents.
Television, earthly entertainment device,
produces sounds and images for amusement.
- Why do you bother me with it?
- Oh, Most Holy Queen
of the Bottomless Pit,
pleased to observe earthly transmission.
- (gasps) It is them, my scaly minions
and him, the one who stole them.
You have done well, Groon.
- Groon lives to serve most
magnificent queen Mara.
- We shall travel again
to the realms of earth,
recover what is mine,
and destroy the thief
and those who serve him.
Prepare the liquid of transformation.
- See you next time boys and girls!
- [All] Bye!
- See you later.
- Bye!
- See you later.
- Bye bye.
- Bye bye.
- That's a wrap.
(alarm buzzing)
- Listen you, if you don't
quit stepping on my lines,
you're gonna be in deep trouble.
My agent will smear
your name all over town.
You'll be history in
this business, got it?
- Um.
- You better.
Some of us around her are professionals.
- Uh, sorry.
- Listen, don't let
Jimmy bother you, okay?
He's just worried about the Big P.
- What's the Big P?
- Puberty.
That's why Billy got the
boot and you got the job.
- Really?
I thought it was creative differences.
- Sure.
See, Billy thought he
could still be on the show
with his voice cracking.
They didn't.
Hey, didn't Mike tell you about that?
- What?
He said not to touch
the monsters or go near
his dressing room.
I'm not.
I'm looking for wires.
- Okay, it's your funeral, not mine.
(people mumbling on set)
(mysterious music)
- [Man] Set it down over there.
- Didn't I tell you to knock
before you came in here?
- Sorry.
- Close the door!
I need my privacy!
(men arguing)
(mysterious music)
- I can read you like a book.
You think Old Jimmy's over
the hill and you're getting
yourself in line to take my place.
- No, really.
They just had this open
casting call and my mom--
- Don't give me that
innocent little kid routine.
I was playing an innocent little kid
when you were still in
diapers and I'll be saying,
"hey Cap'n Mike, what's
that?" long after your career
is dead, dried up, and blown away.
Understa--?
Oh, god, my voice coach swore
I'd have another season.
(people muttering)
- [Man] This is earth money, man.
(woman mutters)
- [British Man] This is
the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
- [Man] Let's go, let's do this.
Watch your back.
(people muttering)
- Don't listen at the door,
don't knock at the door,
don't go through the door.
I'm clean.
- [Man] Hello?
(woman laughing)
- [British Man] Never in all my years.
(low grumbling)
- Alright.
I'll see your 10 and I'll raise you 10.
(female laughs)
- I'll see you and raise you 10.
- Raise 10, raise 10, raise 10. (laughs)
- Blop see.
Blop call (laughs)
- Alright, two pair of
Jacks high. (laughs)
- Three kings, (laughs)
three kings. (laughs)
- Blast it, ridiculous game.
A pair of aces.
Don't keep us in suspense.
Your hand?
- Come on.
(inhales)
(coughs)
- Show us your cards,
you squat drooling oaf.
- Four queens.
- Any game that can be won
by a moron is defective.
(Esmeralda muttering excitedly)
- Alright, lay off, lay off.
Stop the bickering.
(inhales)
(coughs)
- Why you cheap little scallion.
- Alright, knock it off, knock it off.
Let's remember who the master
is around here, alright?
(mutters)
Yeah, well, you know, it
could be plenty worse.
You could still be Queen
Mara's slaves, alright?
You could be scrounging
for Adamantine crystals
in the Kalahari Desert.
(blubbers)
That's it, that's it, that's enough.
Listen, I nearly got turned into limestone
stealing you guys.
I've been lugging you
around this stupid magic box
for 30 years.
I'm finally starting to turn
a little bit of a profit
on ya and I don't wanna hear no griping.
Cidra cidra modra gone,
open wide, oh Chest of Tron.
(electricity crackles)
Get in there you freaks.
Move!
(monsters sputter)
- [Squidgy] I don't want
to hear any griping.
(Mike mutters)
(mysterious music)
(upbeat music)
(knocking)
- Hold on.
Coming.
- Look, I know the truth.
- Huh?
- They're alive.
- Excuse me?
- They're some kind of magical beings.
He keeps them in his chest.
It's a magical chest.
The Chest of Tron.
- Oh, is this in the script
for tomorrow or something?
- No, no, I saw.
I swear.
Look, look, they were floating
around in the air, okay?
And one of them, Squidge, he was talking
with an English accent.
I saw them, they were playing poker.
- Look, Tommy.
I think you should discuss
this with your therapist, okay?
- What?
I don't have a therapist.
- Oh, I'll just give
you the number of mine.
- You don't believe me?
- You picked that up?
- I can prove it.
The next time he's in
there talking to himself,
I'll prove it to you.
I'll show you.
- Nope, not interested.
- Doesn't matter to you at
all, that you're performing
with some supernatural beings?
- So long as they hit their marks,
do what they're supposed
to, I really don't care
if they're the spawn of Satan.
Look, do you want the number or not?
(paper rips)
- I saw what I saw.
I'm not crazy.
I'll show you.
- Wait a minute.
What do you mean I'll see?
What are you thinking?
- Nothing.
- What do you mean you said I'll see?
What's going on in that head of yours?
- I don't know what you mean.
- Look, I'm a keen
observer of human behavior.
I'm an actress, Tommy.
Now, there might not
be that much in the way
of personality, but I don't
want you to get in trouble.
And frankly, this is where it's headed.
- I'm right about those monsters.
They're real.
I'll prove it to you.
- Hey, don't do me any favors
and don't do anything stupid.
At least if you do something
stupid, be careful.
- Thanks.
- Listen, you've got your
career to think about now.
You're a big kid TV star.
(horn honks)
- Take a look in the bag.
Sandy Koufax, 1964.
You know how long I've been looking
for that particular card?
My whole life.
It only cost me 120 bucks.
- Wow.
Dad, do you believe in the supernatural?
I mean, do you believe
that it's possible that,
say, for instance, that
supernatural beings
could live, say, inside this little box?
Um, say, that these living
creatures could even exist?
I mean, say someone stole
this box and they would own
this box.
Do you think there really
are supernatural beings?
What do you think?
Maybe I should call this
number Susie gave me.
Dad?
Do you think I need therapy?
- Next on the list, Carl Yastrzemski.
(birds chirping)
(car engine starts)
- Most magnificent queen,
it is he, the thief.
Shall I capture him now, oh holy one?
Long will I make him suffer.
- No, no.
His torture must come second.
First I must regain my
chest and my minions.
If we act carelessly, we
might fright the quarry.
The liquid of transformation
will soon wear off.
We must return to the dark realms.
But do not worry, there will
be time enough for torture.
- As you command, most
magnificent queen of the pit.
- No, no, no.
Do not call me queen.
Not here.
Call me by that other term you used.
The one who are the makers
of this entertainment.
- Producer.
- [Queen Mara] Was that it?
- Executive producer.
- Yes, that was it.
Executive producer.
I like that.
They produce, they execute.
Come, let us explore
this place of television.
- Is there anyone in this
building who knows how
to light a human face?
Is there?
I don't think so.
I say it, my mother says
it, and my agent says it.
I have translucent
skin, I need soft light.
(mysterious music)
- Stay in there, you little freak.
Be quiet.
(mysterious music)
How old are you?
- I'm sorry, Mike?
- I asked how old are you?
- Um, I'm 12.
- Oh, 12.
I'm gonna tell you something, Tommy.
In some societies when
children are 12 years old,
they work for 14 hours
a day, seven days a week
in a factory until their fingers are raw,
their backs are permanently
bent and their eyesight is shot.
Huh?
- Geez, that's terrible.
- Yeah, yeah, well, let me
tell you something, quiz kid.
I catch you messing around
these monsters again,
you're gonna envy those children.
You got that?
- Yes, sir.
I'm sorry.
- No, no, no, no.
Don't tell me you're
sorry, because when I make
somebody sorry, they're really sorry.
Got that?
- Yes, sir.
I'm mean, yes sir.
- Get out of here.
Get!
- Okay, sir.
- Get out.
- Yes, sir.
- Get.
- What?
- No comment.
No comment.
- What is this?
- Security guard.
Poorly paid mercenary
hired to defend access
to place of entertainment.
- Beg your pardon?
- Ah, a gatekeeper.
- Yes, most noble one.
Gatekeeper.
- Gatekeeper, announces to your master.
- I beg your pardon?
- Speak with respect most
renowned executive producer.
- Huh?
- What is name of man in authority?
- Man in authority?
- Yes.
What is boss?
Who is boss?
- You mean Mr. Hildebrandt.
You mean the executive producer?
- Yes, that's it, as I am.
An executive producer.
Quickly, go.
Announce us.
- Announce you?
- What is wrong with this lackey?
Does he know not better than
to question his superiors?
Announce us immediately or I
will have your master flog you.
- Hey, wait a second, wait a second.
Who are you two anyway?
You a couple of day players or something?
- Day player?
- Paid fool for short period of time.
Most exalted executive
producer Mara is not performer.
Groon is not performer.
- Hold on, hold on.
What are your names again?
- You are in the presence of
Miss Mara, executive producer,
renown in both word and
song and I am humble servant
of most magnificent
executive producer, Groon.
Chief execution.
Chief executive assistant,
personal assistant.
- So wait, so wait.
What are your names again?
- Groon, Mara.
- Which one is that?
Her name is Groon Mara?
- No, I am Mr. Groon.
My employer is Miss Mara.
- Okay, so I got two names.
Mara, is that a first name or a last name.
- Only name.
- Oh, like Roseanne.
I'm sorry, but I don't
have you on the list.
- List?
- [Guard] Nope.
Who did you say you had
an appointment with?
- Appointment?
- Pre-arranged time for meeting.
- Is he joking?
Am I to send to find when
this master of entertainments
would agree to see me?
- Guard, please to announce
executive producer, Miss Mara.
We will see Hildebrandt now.
Immediately.
- Oh, come on.
Let's be friends.
I mean, it's a cute act, but
you guys gotta go through
a casting director like everybody else.
Don't try and get by me.
Usually guys come here dressed
in bunny suits and stuff.
I admit, this is a twist, but
it don't play, you got me?
Bye, bye, see you around.
- Oh, this is absurd, Groon.
Flog him out of the way.
- Hey, don't you do that.
I don't care if you're
a couple of nut jobs
or just too pushy.
Either way, it don't make
any difference to me.
Wanna play nice, I play nice.
Wanna come here with
some kind of an attitude,
you're gonna get an attitude.
Now take that skinny babe and go back
to wherever you came from.
- Oaf.
You will taste the steel
when I cut the tongue
out of your head.
- Yeah, well, you're gonna
taste lead if you don't
get outta here.
- Stop.
Look at me.
Agarazi, agarazi, the earth you have been,
the earth you shall be.
(zaps)
Come Groon.
Let us find this Hildebrandt.
- Um, do you have an appointment
with Mr. Hildebrandt?
- We are not making appointment.
Extremely important
executive producer Miss Mara
is coming to see Mr. Hildebrandt.
Please to announce us.
- Well, Mr. Hildebrandt
is really very busy.
I'm certain that if you
told me what it's about--
- We are telling what it is
about to executive producer,
Hildebrandt.
- I, excuse me.
Are you Russian?
- Yes, Russian.
- Well, as I said, you have
to have an appointment.
I can't just announce you.
- Groon.
Now.
(zaps)
(gasps)
- Mr. Hildebrandt, there is
a Mr. Groon and a Miss Mara.
- Executive producer.
- Executive producer
Mara are here to see you.
- Who the hell are?
Oh, hi, it's good to finally meet you.
Please, come in.
- We are in.
I am Groon, special assistant
to most renown executive producer.
- Mara's the name.
It's a pleasure.
- Mara, yes.
Is that, I'm sorry, is
that a first name or um--
- Only name, Mara.
- Oh, I see.
Like Roseanne.
- Yes, like Roseanne, only more so.
- Well, what can I do for you, Mara?
- Are you the maker of
this entertainment, this--
- Cap'n Mike's Mystery Monsters.
- Yes, yes indeed.
Guilty as charged.
- Are you the owner of this show?
- Well, of course it's owned
by Cute Critter Entertainment,
but I oversee the running it.
- Are you the one to sell it?
- I'm sorry?
- I wish to buy it.
Everything.
This building, these offices,
everything they contain,
the show in total, your
possessions, your chattel.
- Cast and crew.
- Yes, I'm sorry.
Cast and crew, we want them, too.
All of them.
- Are you serious?
Miss, um, Mara.
I've built a company dedicated
to creating children's shows
that are both fun and educational.
Cap'n Mike is the combination
of 10 years of work.
It's my monument.
This show is my baby.
- Yes, we wish to buy your baby.
What's the price?
- I'm sorry, Mara.
But it really isn't for, hey, hey!
Watch it!
And I suppose this is
stuffed with small, bills?
Holy cow.
- There's much more where this came from.
Much more.
Name the price for your baby.
(grunts)
- Hello?
Hello?
Are you okay?
Oh my god.
What happened in here?
- Nothing, nothing.
Just please close the door.
- Will you please tell
me what you're doing?
- You don't wanna know.
- Oh my god, Tommy.
Just don't even tell me.
- I poked a hole through
the wall and I was watching
Mike and the monsters.
They're real.
Do you understand?
Not puppets, not animatronics.
They're real living creatures.
They talk, they play
poker, they do everything.
Look, he keeps them in a magic box.
I figured that these
walls only went up as high
as the dropped ceiling and I was right.
- You know, you are insane.
Just stop, okay?
- All I have to do is reach over the wall
and pull the ceiling
panels in on the other side
and I'm right--
- Out of a job and in
a mental institution.
Look, Tommy, it's the pressure, okay.
You've cracked.
It was fast, too.
Look, what about me?
- What about you?
You don't have to stay
here if you don't want to.
- Thanks, I know that.
But it's just too late now.
You've put me in a completely
unacceptable position.
Look, Tommy, don't you understand?
If I help you, then that
makes me an accomplice.
If I know what you're
doing and I don't tell,
then it makes me an accessory.
If I go and tell on you,
it makes me a snitch,
plus I get fired.
How am I supposed to handle that?
That you put me in a moral quandary.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, well, you know what?
Sorry just does not solve my problem.
(sighs)
- Hey, who you calling?
- My therapist.
Hello, Sheila.
Yeah, this is Susie.
Look, is Dr. Weinstein there?
No.
Yes, this is important,
very important, Sheila.
No, look, Sheila, what I'm
doing as I'm talking to you
right now could destroy
my future and maybe
my entire career.
No, it's not that.
Fine, fine, Sheila.
Just have him call me later
if it's not too much trouble.
- Okay, I'm going through.
- You're doing what?
- I'm going through.
- Oh my god.
- Watch your step here.
We've got state of the
art equipment, of course.
We just upgraded the
lighting grid, put in our own
in-house avid editing facility
and we have a new flame unit
to generate our own effects.
- Oh, Mr. Hildebrandt, Mr. Hildebrandt!
Joey, the guard at the front
desk seems to have disappeared.
- I'm sorry.
- Joey, the security guard at
the front desk is not there
and nobody seems to know what happened.
- Oh, um, well, call
up the security company
and have them send somebody else over.
- Okay.
- Sheila, nice earrings.
Nice, nice earrings.
- Thank you.
- Hey, gotta give them a
little stroke now and then.
Gotta keep the help happy.
- Why?
- Motivation.
Gets them working hard.
- Surely fear of death and
torture is the best motivation.
- Um, I guess it would
be at that. (laughs)
Now look, Mara.
- Executive producer Mara.
- Right, right.
Executive producer Mara.
I know you're serious and so
I wanna be serious with you.
Now, somebody walks in
here with a suitcase
full of money, which is
secured in my personal safe,
by the way, obviously,
I'm going to be tempted,
you understand, but even
if the money is right,
it's a little bit irregular.
Now, not that I'm
accusing you of anything.
I mean, gosh, no, but I don't wanna get
a knock at the door
and find myself staring
at somebody from the SEC
or even worse, the FBI.
You know what I mean?
- Actually, I haven't the slightest idea.
Groon?
- SEC, acronym for Securities
and Exchange Commission.
Local government organization
controlling usury,
exchanges of currency,
and promises of exchanges
of currency.
Authorized to inflict punishment
for failure to conform
to established money exchange in rituals.
- And the other?
The FBI?
- Also acronym.
FBI, Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Government controlled secret police.
- Ah, I see.
Well, rest assured we
do not intend to violate
any of the local various
forms and the rituals
of money exchange.
Anything that you may want
in the form of promises,
binding ceremonies,
hostages, you'll find me
most amenable.
However, there is a time factor.
- Understood, understood.
But, I haven't actually agreed to sell.
You see, a show like
this isn't just a show.
It's an institution.
Even if the money is right,
I can't actually part
with the show.
At the very least, I'd
wanna preserve some sort
of interest in the show.
- Interest?
- Partial continued ownership.
- Ah, I see.
No, I think I will need everything.
- Well, there, you see?
In my heart, that's a conflict.
I can sense that you're a bit
new to this business, Mar,
executive producer Mara.
It's hard to explain to
you what I'd be giving up
if I sold this show.
(door slams)
Mike, Mike, Mike, hi.
- Nevermind the Mike, hi.
We've got a problem, Jordy.
I want that new kid to stay
away from the monsters.
- Not until we find my minions.
- Look, Mike, I'm sorry.
Could we talk about this later?
- No, the contract, okay?
Cast and crew are to stay
strictly away from my monsters.
That's the rule.
- Your monsters?
- Is there an echo or something in here?
- And Mike, it's a good
rule, and I respect it
and I will talk to the little
tyke myself personally later.
- You'd better, because
remember something.
If I go, my monsters go.
If they go, the show goes.
And if the show goes, you're
back doing home videos
about dental care.
- Point well taken, Mike.
I'll certainly deal with it.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
Who are you people anyway, huh?
Have we met someplace?
- Who can say?
Where precisely have you been?
- What do you need, babe?
An itinerary?
- Oh, now, Mike, be nice.
These are potential investors.
- Yes, nice.
- Ah, investors, huh?
What exactly, just for
the record, what exactly
are your credits?
TV, movies, huh?
Sell through videos?
Puppet shows, kids parties?
I bet the big guy looks
great in a gorilla suit.
- Come on now, Mike.
There's no reason for this.
These two have lots of
experience overseas.
- Oh, overseas.
What, Italian soap operas,
German experimental TV,
Masterpiece Theater, maybe?
- No, none of those Captain Mike.
My entertainments are
generally of my own devising
for my own pleasure.
- Ah, terrific.
- Yet, all my entertainments
prove to be most diverting
for the participants.
- Participants?
- Yes, in my work, we make no distinction
between audience and--
- Talent.
- Yes, talent.
When I stage an entertainment,
everyone participates.
And afterward, there are no complaints.
- Oh, so you're into some
kind of interactive stuff.
- Yes, distinctly interactive.
- Oh, well, I'm really impressed.
Now listen.
Talk to the kid.
Do it.
And remember something else,
just for the record, okay.
You're a tiny insignificant
little paper pushing pipsqueak
with an MBA from a second rate college.
You mess with me, I'll chew
you up and spit you out.
Got that?
- Okay, Mike.
Thanks.
I think we understand each other.
Talent. (laughs)
What can I say?
You're sure that you're still interested?
That's what you'd have to deal with.
- Oh yes, I am still very interested.
And I have no doubt that Mr. Groon
can bring his unparalleled skills to bear
in handling the recalcitrant talent.
- I have dealt often with talent.
- I'd love to know your secret.
- Pain, brutality, and the
methodical application of terror.
- Yes, Groon is an extremely
talented personal assistant.
- Yes, I can see that he would be.
- Well, executive producer Hildebrandt.
You were just explaining
to us what you would lose
if you sold this show.
- Was I?
Somehow I seem to have
lost my train of thought.
Derailed. (laughs)
(mysterious music)
(sighs)
(mysterious music)
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna open the box.
- You're insane.
- Yeah, we'll find out in a second.
(mysterious music)
- [Susie] What are you doing now?
- I'm gonna say the magic words.
Cidra, cidra, modra gone,
open wide, oh Chest of Tron.
(electric whirring)
- Oh.
- Hello, darling.
(groaning)
- Hi, there.
I'm Tommy.
- Stop stuttering.
Where's Anderson?
- Oh, you mean Cap'n Mike?
- Yes, yes.
Where is he?
- I guess he's gone home.
- You guess?
Do you have any idea what he'll do to you
if he comes back here?
- Get me fired.
- Yes, well, fire would probably
figure it in some fashion.
Now, listen to me.
Are you listening?
- Yes.
- [Squidgy] For 30
years, we've been slaves
to that egotistical idiot.
Now, you've opened up the box.
Now we're your slaves.
- But I don't want any slaves.
- It's a little late to
be thinking of that now.
You're our master, and do
you know what that means?
- Um, no.
- It means that you've got
to do exactly as I tell you
to do.
Do you understand?
- Well.
- Oh, there's no time for waffling.
You've got to get us out of here.
Don't you understand?
We're superior beings.
(slurping)
(farts)
Well, I am at any rate.
We're being forced to participate
in this horrible
enterprise against our will
and you have to rescue us.
- What horrible enterprise?
- Do you think I like
running around saying,
"brush your teeth, brush your
teeth, brush your teeth?"
day after miserable day?
I was once chief advisor to
the royal hive clan of Kumar.
It's personally humiliating.
- What's gonna happen to the show?
- Nevermind the show.
Think about your obligation to, to us.
(sniffing)
Would you please be quiet?
What is it?
- It's Mara.
(screams)
(groans)
- Don't be ridiculous.
How could she have found us after 30?
- (grunts) I can smell her.
I can smell her. (gasps)
- Well, how should I know
what you're smelling?
It could be leftovers from
yesterday's craft table.
(shudders)
It's her!
It's her! (cries)
- As you can see, we have a complete
production facility here.
We only use this stage for Cap'n Mike
and we, oh, may I interest
you in a bagel and lox?
- Huh?
Oh, yes, thank you.
- Sure.
And we lease out the other stages.
We just had a horror
movie shooting next door.
- Yes, fascinating.
Now, your fools.
- Talent.
- Yes, your talent.
They have private chambers?
- Chambers?
Oh, you mean dressing rooms.
- Yes, private rooms.
I wish to see them.
- Of course.
Follow me, please.
- In heaven's name, hide everyone.
Hide!
(groans)
(screams)
(coughs)
- Blast.
- Help us, you young dunce.
- What's going on?
- Look, look, please, I don't know.
Just calm down, alright?
- It's really quite simple.
Cap'n Mike stole us away from the Queen
of the Bottomless Pit and now she's here.
Close, and the smell is getting stronger.
(groans)
Quiet!
And she's not alone.
Her chief executioner, Groon, is with her.
- It's right down here
at the end of the hall.
Have I mentioned we just
had the place redecorated?
I kinda like it.
- Young man, nice young
man, gentle young man,
intelligent young man.
If you don't get us out of
here in the next 30 seconds,
we three are going to
be Mara's slaves again
and you two will be reduced to
unshaped mineralized nodules.
Am I making myself clear?
- Right, back in the box.
(electric zapping)
- What're you gonna do?
- Save them.
- This chamber?
It is his?
- Yes, this is Mike's room.
It's locked, of course.
- I see.
Open it.
- Well, I can't.
- Why not?
It does not seem to be
protected in any way.
- Well, you see, there's a contract.
- Sworn agreement in writing
indicating obligations
and punishments for failure.
- Ah, so you've agreed not to enter
Captain Mike's dressing room?
- That's right.
- And no doubt there would
be lethal consequences
for disobedience to this oath.
- To put it mildly.
- Yes, but Groon and I
have not sworn this oath.
- That's true, but you don't know
all the legal hocus pocus
they put in those contracts.
I can't give you permission.
- Then don't.
You have the key?
- Of course, I have the key to every room.
I mean, it is my studio.
- So, you do have the key.
Perhaps you drop it on the floor.
Groon bends over to pick it up.
You tell us we're not
allowed to enter the chamber.
We disobey you.
- I don't know.
- Executive producer Hildebrandt,
this is extremely important to me.
It is, what is that term?
- Deal breaker.
- Yes, it is one of those.
(thuds)
- (clears throat) You
know you're not allowed
to go into Cap'n Mike's dressing room.
- I disobey you.
- Search.
- (clears throat) What
exactly are you looking for?
(mysterious music)
- The chest is not here,
oh most executive producer.
(crash)
(mysterious music)
- Now, now, wait a sec.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Hildebrandt.
- Hi, Mr. Hildebrandt.
- We were just rehearsing our lines.
Tommy, have you seen Cap'n Mike?
- He's down at the bake shop with Jimmy.
- What was banging noise?
- Oh, Susie, Tommy, this
is Mr. Groon and Mara.
They're thinking about
investing in the show.
- Yes, investing.
What was banging noise?
- We were just moving
some furniture around
to rehearse our lines.
- You shouldn't do that.
You know you could hurt yourselves.
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
Listen, I gotta go, I'm late
for a rollicking session.
Bye, Timmy.
Bye, everybody.
It was really nice meeting you.
- See you tomorrow, Susie.
So, what is it you guys are looking for?
- Just looking.
- Hi.
- Hello, child.
- Not here.
- Well, it must be around here somewhere.
Come along, Groon.
Executive producer Hildebrandt.
(sighs)
- Hey, come here.
Is that her, that woman?
- Well, they're after
the box, that's for sure.
- This is a nightmare.
You know, what if they caught me?
I'd probably be a nodule right now.
What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
I haven't had much time to think.
Look, please come to my house.
We need to talk.
(horn honks)
- Hey, hey, got the Yastrzemski.
Only 450 bucks.
- Dad, this is Susie from the show.
She's gonna be coming home with me today.
- You know, I bought
the frame for this thing
over 10 years ago.
I kept it in my desk.
It's got this great little
bronze plaque on it.
You know, these babies don't
come on the market very often.
- Dad, this is Susie.
- And I know exactly
where I'm gonna hang it.
Right between my first season
Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth.
Oh man, The Babe.
- Dad, this is Susie from the show.
She's gonna be coming
home with me to rehearse.
Okay?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Hop on in.
- So, Susie, are you
interested in baseball cards?
- No.
- Oh.
(dog barks)
- Cidra cidra modra gone,
open wide oh Chest of Tron.
(electric zapping)
- Oh, thank the seven stars.
I was sure it was going to be Mara.
(sighs)
(groans)
- Okay, listen up Squidge.
You said I was your master, right?
- Yes, it's true.
You spoke the secret charm,
you opened up the box.
That, as they say, makes you the boss.
- Well, I need your help to stop Mara.
- (screams) No, not Mara.
(groans)
- Oh really?
Young man, while I do
recognize the similarities,
that is not a lamp and we are not genies.
(grunts)
(groans)
- Well, you must be able
to tell us something.
- Very well.
Point one, Mara and Groon
don't belong to this dimension.
This is why they need servants
like us to do their bidding
on earth and other places.
In order for them to exist
at all, they must use
something called the
Liquid of Transformation.
They can only remain on earth
until the effects expire,
which is only a matter of
two days, and once back
in their own dimension, it will be decades
before they regain
sufficient etheric substance
to return again to earth in solid form.
- Well, that should be easy enough.
If they came today,
they'd be gone tomorrow,
so all we have to do is put
you guys back in the box,
send it second day FedEx, and
if Queen Mara comes looking,
then you guys would be gone and--
- And you guys wouldn't
be anywhere around here
or anywhere she could find you.
- Yes, I suppose that would
be a partial solution.
- What do you mean, partial?
- I mean that it will
get rid of Queen Mara,
but it would still leave us slaves.
- Oh, that.
Don't worry about that.
I don't wanna be a master.
I'll just set you free.
- [Squidgy] Really?
How?
- Well, by saying, "you're free."
- If only it were that easy.
- Well, I mean, even if I am your master,
you could all do whatever you wanted.
- Yes, that would be lovely
for now, until someone else
would steal the box or
until you grew old and died
and we were inhabited by
some greedy offspring.
Oh, but you wouldn't want
that on your conscious,
would you?
- I guess not.
- No, of course not.
A good little boy like you know the answer
is still our freedom
and that is a problem.
- What would I have to do?
- It isn't a question of
what you'd have to do.
You see, in order for us to
be free, the Chest of Tron
would have to be destroyed
and unfortunately,
there's only one person who can do that.
- Queen Mara?
(groans)
(door knocks)
- Freeze.
- Hi, I heard you brought
a friend from (gasps).
Oh, goodness, what has
been going on in here?
- Um, we've been rehearsing for, um.
- Physical comedy.
- Oh, well, I know you two are TV stars,
but you know what?
You're just gonna have
to clean up this mess
when you're done.
- No problem, mom.
- So, can I get you guys
a snack or something?
- [Tommy] Oh, that's okay.
Thanks a lot, though.
- Oh, okay.
(gasps) Say, is that one of
those little monster guys?
Oh. (laughs)
- Uh, yeah, well, we
use him for rehearsal.
- These things are just so cute.
Oh! (laughs)
Look at this guy.
Brush my teeth, brush my
teeth, brush my teeth.
Okay, I think I'll just let you
guys get back to rehearsing.
(sighs) Bye.
- Sorry.
- Please do let us know, what
are you going to do, master?
- I'll free you if I can, but how?
(mysterious music)
- This agreement is binding
upon you, your heirs,
assignees, et cetera, et cetera.
- Agreement cannot be
subverted by invoking
third person not bound by agreement.
- Yes, very well, very well.
- Are you, I'm sorry.
Are you sure you don't wanna
have your own lawyer here?
This is rather a large transaction.
- I am unconcerned.
- Well, now, the party of the first part,
Jordan Hildebrandt, upon
considerations received
does hereby convey all rights
of ownership whatsoever
throughout the universe
including real property,
literary property, and well,
this is all pretty much standard.
- Yes, standard.
Executive producer,
Hildebrandt, look at me.
Does this paper give me
possession of this building,
all that it contains, the
show, everything in this place
that is yours, to me
alone without deception
or prevarication?
- Um, well, of course not.
I agreed to give you the building
and the rights to the show, and now,
just hold on.
Thomas, did we specify that Mara received
all of the show's video rights?
- Well, I'm really not sure.
- Well, we'd better check. (laughs)
Oh, look here.
According to this, I do keep some
of the show's video rights.
- Really?
That must have been a mistake. (laughs)
- Yes, of course.
- I mean, it's a boiler plate.
It must've just snuck by.
- Well, we don't wanna
seem as if we're doing
anything deceptive.
Now, I see.
These are very minor rights anyways.
They're hardly worth bothering about.
Maybe, maybe we should just--
- They are minor?
- Yes, just, well, here they are.
I mean, just a little mistake.
I don't know whether it's worth
even revising the contract.
They're really not worth bothering about.
- Then best not to trouble
yourself with them, yes?
Best be rid of them.
- I suppose.
I suppose that makes sense, right?
- Sure, Jordan.
If it makes you happy.
- Here, let me just change them.
It's right here.
Hold on.
Okay, I'll just revise, I'll rewrite this.
Just cross this out and initial it here.
Oh, okay.
There.
Okay.
Sure, and that's fine.
There we go, and.
Not to be concerned,
it's just an oversight.
- Groon, the currency.
(mysterious music)
The contract.
Groon, bare thy sacrificial blade.
(mysterious music)
By this, my royal blood,
the blood of the serpent,
I hereby affix my sign and my oath.
May I be burnt and torn
asunder if I ever should break
this oath, til the final
day when the last star
is grown cold.
Executive producer
Hildebrandt, do you wish
to use my blade or would
you prefer to use your own?
- This is rather irregular. (laughs)
Jordan, are you sure about this?
- Um, (clears throat)
your blade would be fine.
(people chattering)
- Jimmy?
- It's a disaster, a disaster.
Why is this happening?
I never wanted to be an
actor in the first place.
My mom forced me.
I really wanted to direct.
Everything was fine until you came.
Who are you?
What are you?
I think you're evil.
God, I've gotta call my agent.
- Hey.
- So, what's it like out there?
- Chaos.
- Yeah, I'm not surprised.
Mike found out his box is missing
and he's gone completely ape wad.
That's not all.
- What else?
- Get out of my way!
You!
You're on the unemployment line.
All you people are unemployed permanently.
And I'll tell you something else.
If I ever catch the guy who
entered my dressing room
it's gonna be death.
Death, do you understand?
Followed by a lot of pain!
- Mr. Anderson, please,
I need to speak to you.
- Where is that worm in tan slacks?
- Mr. Hildebrandt?
That's exactly what I needed
to speak to you about.
- Just who the hell was in
my dressing room.
Okay, where's Hildebrandt?
- Groon, the door.
(door closes)
- Well?
- Where's the box?
- The box?
What box?
- The box containing the mystery monsters.
We've searched everywhere.
We can't find it.
Where is it?
- What is this?
Nobody has been in my dressing room but me
since I started on this show.
Now, if the monsters were in a box
and then they weren't there
and then the box wasn't there,
how do you even know there was a box?
Answer me that one, lady.
- Look at me.
Look into my eyes.
(electrical crackle)
- It's you.
- Are you sure that was
her, from yesterday?
- Listen, I'm sure.
What, Hildebrandt's out and now she's in?
She doesn't care about the show.
She wants the box.
- And now Mike's in there with her.
- Yeah.
- Who you calling?
- I'm gonna call a car.
- Why?
- Hi, Jack.
Yeah, this is Susie from
the Cute Critters Stage.
Yes, listen, I need a limo ASAP.
Yeah, okay, thank you.
We'll be waiting.
Okay, bye.
Listen up, smart kid.
Mara wants the box, Mike
doesn't know where it is.
Who do you think he's gonna blame?
The kid who wanted the monsters.
Then where do you think that
snake lady's gonna be next?
- My house.
Come on.
- You've got some
explaining to do, young man.
- What is it?
- Those things, those monster things?
You left them on.
- I did?
- They've been running all over the house.
- Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't--
- Look, we are just
gonna have to put an end
to rehearsing at home.
- Right, you're absolutely right.
- And I want you to know,
this is all coming out
of your paycheck, young man.
- Listen, don't worry.
This type of thing happens all the time.
The show will pay for it.
- [Parents] Oh.
- I'll go get them.
Oh, by the way, if a tall, beautiful woman
and a hairy man are looking
for us or the monsters,
don't tell them we're here.
- What?
- Come on.
(mysterious music)
- Why didn't you put them back in the box?
- Well, Squidge just started talking about
the whole master/slave thing.
I just felt guilty.
So I told them to--
- What'd you tell them?
- To make themselves at home.
(mysterious music)
Look, why don't you just go
to my room and get the box
and I'll find the monsters.
- Okay.
(sighs)
- Oh, hello there.
- Hello, there?
Hello, there?
What's going on?
- Well, I've been having breakfast.
- I can't discuss this with you right now.
Look, if Queen Mara isn't on
the way, she will be soon.
We've gotta get the others
and get back to the stage.
Did you find Blop or Esmeralda in my room?
- No.
- Let's try my parent's room.
- [Suidgy] Hey, watch it.
No need for roughness!
- [Tommy] Oh, come on.
- [Squidgy] Put me down.
(laughs)
(coughs)
(laughs)
(blows kisses)
(blows raspberries)
(coughs)
- Excuse me, is that my mother's stuff?
Where could Blop be?
Oh no.
- What?
- My dad's office.
(screams)
(humming)
- I like baseball. (laughs)
All mine, all mine. (laughs)
I wonder if he has any more. (laughs)
All mine. (laughs)
I like baseball cards.
- Stop!
- Oh.
- Where's the Yastrzemski?
- What in the world is a Yastrzemski?
- It's a baseball card.
Blop?
- (groans) I don't know.
Talking to me?
- Blop, give it back!
(groans)
- Now, you all listen up.
You wanna be free or not?
- [Squidgy] Of course.
- Then you guys can't hide
while we take the risks.
We're all gonna have to work as a team.
- You mean we're going to have to face.
- Yeah, Queen Mara.
(groans)
Look, guys, it's the only way.
If you don't help, there's
no way this is gonna work.
It may not even work if you do help.
It's all up to you.
Well?
- Yes, of course.
Freedom can never be a gift.
It must be fought for.
I'm with you.
And what about you two?
Are you going to sit there quivering
or are you going to live
up to your heritage?
We're not just kid show props.
We're terrifying supernatural entities.
Right?
- (shudders) Right.
(groans)
- Now back in the box.
Look, dad, I'm sorry about the mess,
but I swear I'll clean it up.
- Now you just wait a second.
- Tommy, I--
- Oh, and if that beautiful
woman and hairy guy
come looking for us, just
tell them that we're back
at the stage and, uh, if
they wanna search the house,
just let them.
- [Parents] What?
- Oh, you have to.
It's in the contract.
Yeah, they search my house all the time.
- Oh, well.
- Thanks a lot, dad, mom.
I love you.
- Me, too.
Bye.
(mysterious music)
- Are we all clear on the plan?
- Clear, but not enthusiastic.
- Okay, give me the
bag and go around front
and check if the coast
is clear and come around
and meet us on the crib set.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, you guys know what to do.
- (groans) Ready.
- Ready.
- Ready. (laughs)
- Are you ready?
- This is the most demented
thing I've ever been a part of.
My entire conception of
reality's been uprooted.
- Yeah, but are you ready?
- Of course.
I'm a pro.
- Now comes the hard part.
We've gotta talk to Jimmy.
(groans)
- [Mike] No, no.
- I think it's encouraging.
- Please, please.
No. (gasp)
Look, look, it was just
a misunderstanding.
See?
I'll give you everything,
anything you want.
Anything.
- Yes, Groon will cut off nose now.
- No, please!
- Groon, not yet.
He might pass out.
We wouldn't want that.
(crying)
Do you recognize this?
- Um, I, uh?
- It is the Wand of Apsol.
You tried to steal it
from my treasure house
in the Kalahari, but you
dropped it when you ran away
with the Chest of Tron
and my scaly minions.
Careless of you.
Turn your head.
No, the other way.
(electric zap)
(whimpers)
A handy little toy.
It can cut fine as a nerve or rough.
(electric zap)
(yells)
How do you prefer it?
Fine or rough?
(stammering)
Surely you must realize that prevarication
can serve no purpose other than to prolong
our time together.
Why bother?
- I swear, I swear.
I kept it under my table.
- Then where is it?
Are you saying that by
sheer chance after 30 years
just as I return from
the realms of darkness
that some unknown third
party happens along
and steals the Chest of Tron?
My time on earth is short.
I must return at the setting of the sun.
But I swear, to you it will seem long.
Now answer me or my
wand will do the asking.
- I don't know where it
is, I swear I don't know.
(cries) I swear!
Wait, wait.
That kid.
The kid.
- Okay, let me get this straight.
Now Captain Mike stole
the monsters from Mara,
who's an evil queen from another dimension
and Tommy stole them from Mike.
Now Mara wants to steal them
back and we need to trick Mara
into destroying the box
so that the monsters
will be free and you
need my help to do it?
- That's about it.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Okay?
- Yeah, you see, I know you both hate me,
and everyone does.
It's because I'm selfish and obnoxious.
If I wasn't me, I'd hate me.
I don't have to be that way
if I don't want to, though.
I can be heroic, I can be trustworthy.
I can be a regular guy.
I can be anything I want, no problem,
and I'm gonna prove it to
you, so you can trust me.
I'm with you, 100%.
- Clear the way, clear the way, lackeys.
Executive producer Mara passes.
- You wouldn't be looking for
the Chest of Tron, would you?
- And how did you come to
hear that phrase, brat?
- (scoffs) Don't be that way.
You're looking for Tommy
Winters and the chest
and the mystery monsters.
They told me all about it.
- Oh really?
- Yeah, I'm a part of their plan.
You see, if you show up,
I'm supposed to distract you
by telling you they hid the
chest in the trunk of their limo
and then one or both of you
would go off chasing after it
and meanwhile, they'd be
working on their own plan.
- I see.
And what is their own plan?
- That depends.
- On what?
- On how much you give me to tell you.
If it's enough, I'll tell you the truth,
but if it's not, I'll lie, and by the time
you figure out which is
which, it'll be too late.
You'll be back to limbo.
- Well, young man, you
seem like someone with whom
I can do business.
(mysterious music)
You, girl, stop.
Where is the brat?
- Which one?
- The new one.
- Oh, he went tearing
off to the main entrance.
- Check her tote bag.
- Jimmy, you are such a traitor.
- Kid TV's a dog eat dog world.
(monsters muttering)
- Stop, girl!
Out of my way, oaf!
- As my producer commands.
- Go search.
If you find any children, crush them.
- As most executive producer commands.
(boxes clattering)
(blows raspberry)
Scaly ones are here, most noble mistress.
Groon will crush them.
- He's over there.
- You promised you wouldn't tell.
- You should've got it in writing.
- No more running, boy.
There's no place left to go.
Now put the box down and
step back from it, now.
- No.
- Then pay the price for
defying the Queen of Serpents.
(electric zap)
No!
- Come on, let's get going.
- Did you think it would
be so easy to destroy me?
Give them back, now.
I will build them a new chest
that not even I can destroy.
- If you want them, come and get them.
- I will come for you.
I will not forget.
My chamber of torture awaits you.
(sighs)
- It's amazing what a color Xerox can do.
(laughs)
- Boy, am I great, or what?
You thought I'd screw up, didn't you?
- Nah, I trusted you.
- Yeah, well, I thought you'd screw up.
- I'll show you something else.
- [Tommy] What's that?
- Ownership papers.
The ones they signed
when they bought the show
from Hildebrandt.
The ones they signed over to me.
- Wait a minute.
She gave you the show?
- Nope, she gave us the show.
- All three of us?
- Nope, all six of us.
(groans)
- How strange.
I'm actually starting to like this boy.
(laughs)
- You did okay, man.
- [Announcer] Welcome,
kids, to a brand new
Mystery Monsters Show.
♪ Esmeralda she's a doll ♪
♪ She likes shopping at the mall ♪
♪ MC Blop, he's still a mess ♪
♪ But he's the one that kids love best ♪
(laughs)
- Well, hello there, children.
Thank you ever so much for stopping by.
We're going to have an
edifying show for you today.
Oh, look who's here.
It's Tommy and Susie. (laughs)
(applause)
- Hi.
- Hello.
- [Tommy And Susie] Hello, Squidgy.
What's happening today?
- South wind and zero stratus clouds.
The weather should be lovely.
(crashing)
- Who could that be?
- Sounds like Barnacle Bob.
(crashes)
- Sorry about that, Mr. Squidgy.
- Oh, that's alright, Barnacle Bob.
But I think you better
clean up your mess. (laughs)
- Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on it.
(applause)
(laughs)
(applause)
- Keep laughing, keep laughing.
Fade to black.
(upbeat music)
(mysterious music)
("MultiCom Jingle")