Mystery, Alaska (1999) - full transcript

When Mystery, Alaska's amateur hockey team accepts a challenge to play against the New York Rangers, the entire population must put their petty differences aside and pull together as their small town becomes the center of a nationally televised event.

[ Shouting, indistinct ]

[ Creaking ]
[ Woman panting ]
Oh, skank !

[ Man laughing ]

[ Yelling, shouting ]

[ Car ignition winding ]

Fuck me !
[ Giggling ]

Hey.
What did you say ?

[ Growling ]

You teach him that ?

He heard it
in the locker room, dad.

From who ?
Everyone.



You know what it's like
in there.

[ Growls, grunts ]

¶¶ [ Man singing,
indistinct ]
[ Boy giggling ]

He shoots.
He scores !

¶¶ [ Singing continues ]
Wouldn't start again ?

Was it the gas line ?
I don't know.
I'll ask tinker.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Take the sled, will ya ?
I wanna wait
for the mail.

The magazine's supposed
to be here, express.
Okay. Better be good.

Of course it's gonna be good.
That's the whole point.

I don't exactly trust
chuckie boy.

[ Giggling ]

[ Shouting, indistinct ]

Come on.
Pass it off.



All right.
Let's go again.

Bailey !

Hi, Bailey.

[ Shuts engine off ]

Fat men don't shovel,
Bailey.

No, it's dry.
It's dry.

[ Coughs, spits ]

Ew !
Fuck me !
That's a lung biscuit.

Joey !
[ Joey giggling ]

That's it.
Neither of you guys are coming
to the locker room again.

[ Bailey ]
John ?

Have a good game today.

[ Starts engine ]

[ Machine grinding ]

[ Man ]
God, it's cold !
The taters are hot.

Right here, Connor.
Thanks. Hot, hot, hot !

[ Men chattering,
indistinct ]

What the hell kind
of bird is that ?
Bobby, throw some tape.

It's gonna be
a hot one today.
Hey, tape !

Hey, is the magazine
out yet ?
Monday.

Johnny's supposed to get
a copy expressed.
Maybe we made the cover.

- We ain't on the cover.
- He said it would be
a big story with pictures.

Yeah, Chuck exaggerates.
[ Men laughing ]

Hey, guys, you are
not gonna believe this.

- Sarah heinz.
- [ All shouting ]

I know !
She's supposed to be
this shy girl.

I figure, what the hell.
I ain't that attractive.

I'll vaccinate her quick,
get home for an early sack,
beat what's left of the bishop.

Like this ?

- She's much fatter naked.
Yeah !
- No.

I'm telling you,
she got her February fat now
in the second week in December.

She's riding me
like a wet walrus,

making these fat sounds.

- Thwap, thwap, thwap.
- [ Man ]
The boy's got no shame.

You're a sick man, skank.

Hey, you got the magazine ?
Damn.
The mail didn't come yet.

Hey.
What ?

You kill one more wolf--
ain't no sheriffin' in here.

I ain't sheriffin'.
I'm just a teammate
concerned for his freedom.

Come on, boys.
Let's move it.

It's two tenths below zero.
The committee won't be happy.

- The committee.
- You seen weeks lately ?
He's been skating the river.

I don't care.
I'm about to be on the cover
of sports illustrated.

[ Laughter ]

That photographer said
I have one of those
expressive faces.

A face that tells a story.
Too bad it's a tragedy.

- A comedy.
- A horror story.

Come on, guys.
Let's start gettin'
our heads into it.

Like Connor says,
that weeks kid, he's got jump.

I'm tellin' you, tree,
there's rumors.

One of us is going down.

[ Shouts, indistinct ]
Let's go !
Let's move !

[ Shouting continues ]

[ Cheering ]
[ Woman ]
Let's go !

Good game !
Good game !

[ Shouting continues ]
[ Biebe ]
Stretch 'em out.

Let's do it,
sheriff.
Sticks !

- Line 'em up, Michael !
- Don't give me tree.
I wanna win this week.

I win no matter
what side, huh ?
Win this, tree.

[ Chattering continues ]

Maybe it's you and me, huh ?
Winetka.

Here.

Paul.
Brown's the winner.

- Dad !
- Thanks, Mikey.

[ Mikey ]
Tree !
[ Indistinct ]

[ Groans ]

You see Stevie weeks
yesterday ?
Chump.

You think
we gotta do it ?

[ Players yelling, shouting ]

- Birdie !
- Try and pass me !

- Give it to me !
- Try it ! Try it !

Pass !
Damn !

[ Cheering ]

Whoo !
All right !

Soon, it'll be you
out there.

Oh, I don't know.
It will, Stevie.

Ow !
Daddy !

There are things
you do in public...
And things you don't.

We're just kissing.

[ Sighs ]
For God's sakes.

Geez.

Very effective, Walter.

Nipped in the bud.

Mary Jane.
You got it ?

I got it. Look.
It's three pages
with pictures and profiles.

There's John.
A mix between Bobby bond
and moose dupark.

Yeah,
he won't like that.

"Clears the crease
like a snowplow."
Well, he can't not like that.

Come on.

Honey.
Look at this.
Hey.

The mayor should get first look.
Not bad, right ?
Wow.

Son of a piss whore.
Our town in sports illustrated.

[ Laughing ]
Listen to this.

"The legendary hockey players
of mystery, Alaska,
were born on skates...

"In a world perpetually covered
with ice and snow.

"Isolated by rugged mountains
and vast glaciers,

"they hone their skills
by playing each other,

"Saturday after Saturday,
for as long as anyone
can remember.

"The citizens attend
with religious devotion
in sub-zero weather.

"A committee of town fathers
decides who plays
and by what rules.

"The game has become
more than a sport.

It's a weekly
ritual celebration."

"The winetka brothers
forecheck like gophers.

"When a puck goes into a corner,
a winetka comes out with it.

Yeah !
Read.
Read !

"And then there's
Connor banks.

Connor !
What about
Connor banks ?

Montreal had its rocket.
Mystery has
its cruise missile !"

[ Men cheering, shouting ]

[ Skank ]
The only rocket you got
is your meat whistle.

Hang on. Hang on.
"Perfecting the art of the pass
is John biebe,

"whose precision and accuracy
more than compensate
for slowness of foot.

"The only player
without lightning speed.
Every team needs its thumper.

[ Voices overlapping ]
Fuck 'em, Johnny.
Fuck 'em.

"On pure skating ability,
the boys of mystery, Alaska...

Rival any team in
the national hockey league !"

That's us !
That's us !

And isn't it exciting
for Charlie...

Getting his article published
in sports illustrated ?

I bet this is a big
accomplishment for him.

He kind of embellished
a little.

He's always been so smart,
that Charlie. I knew
when he left he'd make it big.

Well, actually, I heard
he left 'cause he skated
like a homosexual.

You think because you scored
two goals today,
you played a good game ?

[ Woman ]
We don't talk about hockey
at the table.

We've been talking about it
for 20 minutes.

We've been talking
about the magazine.

Which is about hockey.

Can't we just enjoy
the attention tonight ?

Sports illustrated,
for God's sakes.

Hockey is played
at both ends of the ice.

You, you coast
in your own zone.
[ Bangs spoon on plate ]

You skate
like a figure skater.
[ Bangs spoon on plate ]

And when you get the puck,
you don't pass.

More potatoes ?

[ Walter ]
No.

I've lost my appetite.

Oh--

[ door slams shut ]
He never made
the Saturday game.

That's what's bothering him.
Why should he tell me
how to play ?

- He played college 2-a, birdie.
- 2-a isn't the Saturday game.

- That's enough.
- Well, he started it !

[ Sighs ]

Margie has relatives
in waterville, Maine.

She said as soon
as price world moved in,

all the local shops
went right out of business.

Price world's not gonna come,
mom. We're not big enough,
for God's sakes.

Well, they've been sniffin'.

[ Man calling game
on TV, indistinct ]
[ Woman giggling ]

[ Moaning ]
Oh, skank.
[ Moans ]

[ TV continues ]
[ Both moaning ]

[ Spectators cheering ]

Yeah !
Yeah ! Yeah !

[ Girl ]
"On the left side,

skank marden is a master
of sticky sores--"

no, no, shawnette.

Um, remember, you want
to sound out the words.

Okay.
Let's try again.

"Skank marden,
a master of the stick,

scores on demand."

That's right.
Good. Excellent.
[ Boy whispering ]

Tommy ! What ?

Word is biebe is out
and weeks is going up.

Really ?

[ Church bells tolling ]

Don't get too far.
Yeah, dad.

Hey, Johnny.
Hey.

Thanks for coming, Johnny.

Well, we can't hold
Stevie weeks back any longer.

You'll be first alternate,
of course.

That's--

there's more to the game
than speed, Scott.
Experience counts.

Which Stevie weeks can't get
till we call him up.

You've been in the Saturday game
13 years, Johnny.

- That's a record !
- I can still play.

When was the last time
you scored a goal ?

Look, it's not fair
to the weeks boy
to keep him back.

And it's not fair
to the Saturday game.

Shit !

[ Whispers ]
I gotta go.
[ Door opens ]

[ Police radio chattering ]

Donna's inside,
Johnny.

[ Door opens ]

Hey.
Hey.

[ Papers rustling ]

I'm fine, Donna.

We talked about this.

We knew one day eventually--
I'm fine.

Don't tell me you're fine.

[ Scoffs ]

I better check on Mike.

[ Skank ] You could've told me.
[ Mary Jane ] I can't give you
that kind of information.

We're sleeping together,
for God's sakes.

Skank, we're committing
adultery. It's not like
I threw in trust as a perk.

Honey.

Hi.
Look, you, uh--
you may have heard.

We just did it.
I heard.

And so did I,
and it's a big mistake.

John biebe is the anchor,
for God's sakes !

[ Sighs ]

Geez.

[ Men chanting ]
Stevie ! Stevie !
Stevie ! Stevie !

[ Applause ]
Guys,
it ain't my birthday.

It's better.
You're in
the Saturday game !

I-I could go down
as fast as I come up.

- There's no way.
- Hey, I'm next.
They'll be callin' me next.

[ Chattering stops ]

Hey, Mike.

- Hey.
- Why don't you get yourself
that milkshake ?

Better not hear
your grades are dropping off.

They-they won't, sir.

You skate like you can
and you'll be fine.

Boys.
[ All together ]
Sheriff.

I ordered one
for you too, dad.
Thanks, Mike.

[ Woman on radio ]
Johnny ?
Yeah ?

You gotta get out
to gagney grocers.
Connor banks just shot a guy.

[ Siren wails ]
[ Man groaning ]

Ow ! Jesus !
What, did you put
your finger in it ?

Try and hold still.
Could you jam
the oxygen tank...

A little further
up my ass, please ?
[ Door chimes ringing ]

[ Groaning ]
Have you done this before ?

Who is he ?
A rep from price world.

[ Man ]
Good. Twist it !
Yeah, that helps.

Think about trimming
those nails too, Tarzan.

- Just try to hold it there.
- Are you trying to hurt me ?

Huh ?
[ Groans ]

- You okay ?
- No, I'm not okay !

Do I look like I'm okay ?
The fucker shot me !

What the fuck-ass fuck
of a bum-fuck, shithole town
is this ?

I make a business call.
I give him my card.

And the hick-ass fucker
shoots my foot off !
Cock-fucking shit !

John, it was an accident.
You read him his rights ?

You have the right
to remain silent.
Oh, come on, John !

I didn't mean to shoot him.
Call Bailey pruitt.
Talk to him.

Don't be saying
anything to me.

[ Writing ]
Johnny, I heard.

I'm sorry.
Connor,
you just shot a guy.

Take him.
Read him his rights.

[ Man ]
Cock-fucking suck-ass fucker !

Have fun in jail, asshole !
[ Door chimes ring ]

They, uh,
got into a beef.

Connor pulled a pistol.
Happened over in feed.
[ Groaning continues ]

Says he was aiming at
a sack of puppy chow,
trying to scare him.

He hit a wheelbarrow.
It ricocheted.

Ow ! Ow, ow !
[ Woman on police radio ]
Johnny ?

Yeah ?
There's a helicopter hovering
over town hall. Looks Russian.

Whoa !

I'm slow in the feet ?

That's it ?
That's all you got for me ?

No, "wow, nice helicopter" ?
No, "hey, great article
in sports illustrated" ?

How's Donna doing ?
Does she miss me ?

Twice in one year, Charlie.
What do you want this time ?

I come bearing
the New York rangers.

The New York rangers ?

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, I was pretty
blown away myself.

But the article sparked
some kind of brainstorm
at the NHL.

- Good writing, I guess.
- [ Mayor ]
The New York rangers.

The New York rangers.

In mystery, Alaska ?
Right here.

To play against our boys ?

The NHL feels it'll be
great publicity,

and the network figures
a 14 share, minimum.

All right.
[ Clears throat ]

What's in it for you,
Charlie ?

Community pride.

A sense of giving back to
the place where I grew up.

Money.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Pounding gavel ]

If you all settle down,
we'll, uh, we'll try to
answer all your questions.

Now,
nothing is definite.

There's still some dealing
to be done with
the players' unions and things.

But what needs to be
decided first is,
do we want this game ?

- [ Murmuring ]
- I won't kid ya, it would be
a goose to the economy.

- What economy ?
- [ Laughter ]

We can be serious
about this,

or we can simply leave
the decision to the committee,
which I'm quite happy to do.

[ Crowd in disagreement ]
Yes, miram ?

The question is,
do we really stand a chance ?

'Cause if all
that's gonna happen
is we'll get laughed at,

I'm not for it
at any price.

That's fair. That's fair.
And to answer that,

I'd like to call up here
someone we all know and--

well, we all know.
Charles danner.

Thanks. Um--
well, first of all,
it's really great to be back.

- Bullshit !
- [ Laughter ]

Uh--
um, here's the thing.

On a standard ice rink,
no, we don't come close.

But... our boys on a pond ?

Now, hold on
just one second.

You're using words
like "we" and "our boys."

You left this town,
Charlie danner.

[ Crowd in agreement ]

You can't even skate.

Plus, this may be
an old lady talking,

but I've always thought
you were a bit of a prick.

[ Laughter continues ]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
This is a town meeting.

Let's have some order,
for God's sakes !
John.

Could we make a game of it ?

[ Woman ]
Yeah, John.

[ All chattering ]

[ Chattering stops ]

Depends on rules.

We play four on four.
They play five on five.

Boards, offsides,
two-line passing.

Rules that keep
everything bunched.
It's a different kind of game.

John, excuse me,
but this game is gonna be
played on a pond.

- Hey, Chuck--
- one second.

Everybody here always says
on a pond, nobody beats us,
right ? Nobody.

Okay, well, you got a chance
to prove it now.

John, can we win ?

[ Crowd murmuring ]

Shooting, passing,
stick handling--
the truth ?

Except for Connor,
nobody here comes close.

But on the pond,

black ice, wide open surface,
it's all about skating.

And we can skate.

Yeah, we can.
All right, man.

The New York rangers
are professionals.

Two things we've always had
in mystery:

Our dignity
and our illusions.

I suggest we cling to both.

Where's the dignity
in not trying ?

I'll play those rangers.

- I'm in.
- I'll play.

- I'll beat 'em.
- [ Applause ]

[ Pounding gavel ]
As mayor of mystery, Alaska,

I'm gonna extend
a little invitation
to the New York rangers !

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Hey, Johnny !

-This can't wait till tomorrow ?
-No, no, we gotta be
on the ice at sunup.

If this game happens,
it's only 32 days away.

We gotta get goin'.

I bet you're back
on the team now, right ?
Maybe.

Well, they're not
gonna play the rangers
with just ten guys.

Here he comes.

John.
Hey, Donna.
Hey, Scott.

Witch-tit cold, huh ?
Yeah.

Look, John,
these are the developments.

Things have changed.
We want you to coach.

Judge turn you down ?

Yeah.
He's got some bug
up his colon.

But next to judge fuck nut,
you know most about hockey.

Scott, you'll need him
to play, right ?

Oh, uh--

well, the committee feels
you can best help the team
by, you know, coaching.

You're the guy.
They all look up to you.

Scott, I don't coach.

John, I'm asking you
as mayor of the town.

Will you coach ?

[ Sighs ]
Look, think about it.

Let me know, huh ?

[ Sighs ]
You know,

every ex-player turned coach
says they prefer coaching
to playing.

Why would they
all say that ?

Because they can't play.

[ Players shouting,
laughing ]

So why'd you wanna come ?
You never wanna come
when I plough.

Well, um,
could you pull over ?
Sure.

[ Shuts engine off ]

What--
what are you doing ?

Um--

I thought, um--

I think we should celebrate
you making the team.

N-now ?
Here ?

I don't know where else
to do it.

I got a condom too.

So--
Marla.

With you on the team, Stevie,
a lot of girls are gonna be,

you know, after you.

I don't wanna lose you
to Jody lange
just 'cause she gives.

Marla.

I'm not gonna leave you
on account of
not having sex.

I love you.

[ Shivering ]
Are you sure ?

Yeah, I'm sure.

[ Both panting ]

Oh !

[ Stammering ]

Oh, I'm-I'm--
I'm sorry.

That's okay. That's--
that's okay.

I--
does this mean we're done ?

I'm-I'm sorry.
I must have--

that's okay.

[ Chuckles ]

It's okay, Stevie.

[ Wind howling ]

[ Dog barking ]

[ Horn honking ]

[ Engine shuts off,
door opens ]

Hey, Sarah, sorry to be
calling on you so late,
but have you heard ?

The rangers ?
Yeah.
[ Laughing ]

Yeah, good news makes
the compass point north.

How about a quick rattle ?

After you, skank.

"Mother walrus going
thwap, thwap, thwap" ?

- What ?
- You wanna hear a thwap ?

Women don't like
being referred to
as fat mammals, skank.

I never would've said that
to her face.

Are you gonna arrest me ?
Do you want me to ?

Well, if it's all over
what he said, I'd just as soon
it'd be all over that I hit him.

It will be.

[ Chattering, shouting ]

[ Donna ]
You gonna let the kids
keep the school ?

[ Mayor ]
We gotta have
a new rink, Donna.

You want one of those
goddamn TV trucks
to fall through the ice ?

Plus we need new boards, lights,
and they're sending us
a zamboni.

Oh, a zamboni.
Gettin' wet
just thinking about it.

Jesus !

Donna.
Hey.
Hey.

Hi.
How you doin' ?
Hi. Good.

How are you ?
I'm good.

You ran out before
I could say hi last night.
I know. Hi.

Hi.
God, you look good.

How can you look this good ?
What do you have,
like nine children now ?

All right, well,
we're not the partridge family.

Three kids.
I know how many kids
you have.

[ Chuckles ]
So, you're a producer, huh ?

Yeah, well,
associate producer.

What's a producer do ?

Uh, well,
I'm-I'm doing it.

Really ?
Yes, I'm liaising
with the locals.

I see.

And the helicopter was--

well, you know, it's
the kind of news you wanna
deliver in person, you know,

and I can't help it
if it impressed
the hell out of you.

So, uh--
well, so did it ?

Do I look impressed ?

You look good.

Your honor,

at this time
I'd be asking the court
to dismiss the charges...

On the grounds
of patriotism.
[ Woman giggling ]

I'm not in the mood,
Mr. pruitt.

If price world
did come here...

With the one-stop shopping
and the low, low prices,

it would threaten to put
every merchant in this town
out of business,

as it has in so many communities
across this country.

- Trial date ?
- This Tuesday.

Tuesday ?

- Fine by me.
- All right, next Tuesday.

And impanel Monday.

I don't want a trial now.
Suppose I lose ?
I get jail, I miss the game.

Connor, trust me.
They're not gonna lock up
our leading scorer.

As the puck comes off the ice,
the left wing
will always drop back.

These four swing around here,
try and force the puck this way.

So the puck carrier is
always facing three defensemen.

Are we gonna play it ?
No.

We're gonna learn it
so we can beat it.

It's five-man, not four.
It's complicated.

Before we get into that,

[ exhales ]
There's one rule we got
we live by.

What happens in this room,

what's said in this room,
stays in this room.

Now, last night skank
took a shovel to the temple...

Because somebody repeated what
was said in the locker room.

Somebody repeated
to silvie Walker,

and silvie Walker
repeated it to Sarah heinz.

- I told her confidentially.
- Aw, Jesus.

What you say in the room
stay in the room.

I didn't think she
was gonna say anything.

Skank, I'm sorry.

She just smoked
the hog, man.
I wasn't myself.

- It's your call, skank.
- Oh, I want it.

Fuck !

[ Man ]
Fuckin' wind-chill.
This ain't right.

[ All protesting ]
It's not that easy !

One slip of the tongue.
All right, that's it.
Rules are rules !

Come on, guys !

[ All shouting ]
Do it !
Come on !

Aw, shit !

[ Yelling, shouting ]

Oh, shit !
Mother--

[ cheering, shouting
continues ]

I hate you bastards !
I hate you all !

All I did was suggest we meet,
and then he pulled out a gun.

Did he say anything,
Mr. Walsh ?

Objection !
Now, that question--

fuck it.

What did he say ?

Well, he conveyed his anger
at the idea of price world
moving into the community.

He threatened to shoot me
if I didn't leave the premises,
and then he shot me.

Thank you, Mr. Walsh.
Reserve the right to recall,
your honor.

Big doings
we've got going here
in mystery these days, huh ?

Price world wants to come here,

and now the New York rangers
want to come.

Mr. pruitt, I don't want to hear
anything about price world.

I don't wanna hear another word
about a hockey game.
We talked about this.

Yeah, well,
forgive me, your honor.
I'm fat.

[ Laughter ]

Mr. Walsh, that bullet
that struck you,

did it appear to ricochet
off a wheelbarrow ?

It-- maybe.
So what ?

Is it legal to shoot
in the vicinity of people
in this town ?

You don't care very much
for our community,
do you, Mr. Walsh ?

I have nothing against
your community, Mr. pruitt.
[ Paper rustling ]

Did you say,

"what the fuck-ass fuck
of a bum-fuck shithole town
is this ?"

- Did you say that,
Mr. Walsh ?
- [ Stammering ]

The game is tentatively
scheduled for January 16.

- Hey, this is it !
- Sounds like fun, Barry, but
evidently not for everyone.

No, I don't think so,
Steve. No one thought...

To check with
the New York ranger players
about this.

The bottom line is,
you only get a few days off
during this long season.

Now, instead of spending
these days off at home
with their families,

they're told they gotta go
to Alaska and play a game
of pond hockey.

- This is a joke.
- Turning now
to real hockey news,

the NHL named Wayne gretzky
as its player of the month.

The superstar scored 17 goals
with 22 assists--

[ sets glass down ]

Yeah, wait till we beat 'em.
Then we'll see who's a joke.

You guys know
what you're made of.
You know what you've got inside.

[ Vomits ]

[ Exhales ]
Nervous ?

Come on,
let's work it around.
Don't leave him alone !

[ Yelling, shouting ]

Whoa.
That guy can shoot, huh ?
[ Whistles ]
Yeah.

Get on him !
Get on him !
Okay, guys, come on, now !

[ Cheering, shouting ]

Fighting the puck a little.
Oh, let him find his legs.

Yeah, his first game.
He'll be fine.

Go ! Go ! Go ! Go !

- Look out !
- [ All gasping ]

[ Drops stick on ice ]
Get away !
Get away !

Stevie ?
Stevie !
Give him some air.

- Biebe.
- [ Biebe ] Good work,
tree. You killed him.

Head was down.
I know.
I know.

I brought
the salts, dad.

Stevie ?
Huh ?

It's okay.
It's all right.
Hello.

Stevie, how many fingers
have I got ? Hmm ?

I'm a premature ejaculator.

[ Cheering ]

Let's go, guys.
Three on three.

So ?
So ?

Anyone special
in New York ?
Uh, no.

I don't--
I don't want you to
feel bad about that either,

just 'cause I haven't had
a relationship that's lasted
longer than six weeks...

Since we broke up
in the 12th grade.

That's-- the important thing
is that you're happy.
Right.

You are--
you are happy, I take it ?

Yeah.
I'm happy.

Good. Good.

How is your husband,
anyway ?

Appears to be, uh,
well fed.

[ Chuckles ]
Of course he is.

I mean, what else
do I have to do, really,

besides slave over a hot stove,
rub my fat husband's feet,

dig splinters out of my ass
that I get while sitting around
pining for you ?

Well, you said it,
I didn't.

Seriously, though.
I mean, forget about me.

Don't you ever wish
you lived in a town
that had a museum...

Or someplace where brothers
and sisters were off-limits
to each other sexually ?

[ Chuckling ]

[ Laughter continues ]

All right,
just follow the light.

No, just over here.
There you go.
Over here. Come on.

[ Man ]
Still sleepin' ?

How's he doin' ?
He's a little happy.

No, no, no.
Easy, son.

I'm okay.
Birdie, I'm sorry.
All right.

I didn't even get
the condom on.

It was 'cause
of your sister's breasts.
They're perky.

Well,
he's out again.

[ Sobbing ]
[ Knocking on door ]

Honey, what's wrong ?
Nothing.

- Sweetheart--
- I don't wanna
talk about it, okay ?

Well, if you can't talk
to your own mother--

[ sighs ]

Stevie doesn't wanna
sleep with me.

Oh. Oh.

[ Exhales ]
Oh.

Hmm.
[ Clears throat ]

So, uh, you two
have already,

uh, you know,
had relations ?

[ Sniffles ]
No, he came in the condom.

Oh !

Where, uh,
was the condom...

When he, uh,
you know--

um--

on-on his, uh, serpent.

[ Knocking ]
Hi.

What's wrong ?

Uh, Walter, get out.
This is private.

I'm entitled to know
what's going on
under this roof.

After all, I am
the father of this child.

Walter, if you don't leave,
I swear I'll tell you.

Right.

[ Door closes ]

[ Walter ]
The defendant will please rise.

What say you, Karen ?

The state of Alaska
versus Connor banks.

Second-degree assault.

We find the defendant
not guilty.

- [ Cheering, shouting ]
- [ Groans ]

That's a not guilty verdict
on Connor. Betty ?

And we further order price world
to pay damages...

In the amount of
$42,000.

- What ?
- 42,000 bucks ?

They can't do that.

This is a criminal trial.

We don't award damages
to criminal defendants.

The damage award is vacated.

- What's that, "vacated" ?
- [ Spectators murmuring ]

[ Pounding gavel ]

Look around.
Look at yourselves.

You have exalted this game
above what is right,

but you have
your star center back.

The defendant is free to go.

You have embarrassed
my courtroom.

Thanks a lot.

Fuckin' moron.

[ Door opens ]

It's me that embarrasses you,
isn't it ?

- Did I say that, Brian ?
- I'm sorry I'm such
a disappointment.

I'm sorry I don't feel
like goin' to college
and getting some degree.

I'm sorry for only wanting
to play hockey, and I'm sorry
that you never played...

In the Saturday game,
but I would think there are
bigger tragedies in life !

Brian !
[ Door slams shut ]

[ Horn honking ]

Scotty. Hey.

I want you to meet
the folks from the network.

- That's Jonathan slaven.
Scott pitcher.
- Hi.

And, uh, this is
Janice pettibone.
My nostrils just froze.

It's a pleasure to welcome
a famous TV personality.

Uh, hi.
Janice, see how
everybody skates here ?

Yeah.
Even on the sidewalks.
We should get some shots--

I can't feel my nose.
All right, then.

She's cold.
She's weird.

"Eskimos on ice."

In fact, that's what
we're calling the team:
The mystery eskimos.

Well, we're not eskimos.

Well, I don't think it refers
so much to your ethnicity.

And the native Americans
who do live here call
themselves inuit, shark meat.

[ Pettibone ]
The deal here is we're selling
this as a human interest story.

The strange snowmen
who play on a lake--
the mystery boys.

We don't know who they are
or what they are.

All we know is they have
poor dental health
and can skate like the wind.

It's a hockey game.

How does she know what kind
of dental health we have ?
Guys !

Guys !
It's just a name,
you know ?

Nobody thinks
the Dallas cowboys
are actually cowboys.

If this ends up
making fun of us--
Scott, it won't.

-You think I'd let that happen ?
-[ Biebe ]
For business, who knows ?

Excuse me ?
He's right.

You'd bite off your own Jimmy
if the price were right.
Really, Scott ?

My own Jimmy ? You know what ?
Why don't you go
plan a rummage sale...

Or renew a fishing licence ?
If you try pulling something,
I'll be so far up your ass--

- gentlemen.
- You sorry piece of tit meat !

Just talkin'
about the game.
Yeah.

If nothing else,
it's good for morale.

Good night.

No blood.
Judge !

He started it.
Don't !

[ Mayor ]
I'll talk to you tomorrow.

I don't know how
to coach.

You taught half the kids
in this town how to skate.
You played 2-a college.

You understand
north American hockey.

Shit, they used to call you
the bear.

That was then.

Okay, judge.

If we're gonna make
a game of it,
it should be you.

It won't be, John.

[ Chattering ]
[ Man ]
Come on ! Pull it off !

People of mystery,
I give you...

Your very own zamboni.

Now, don't be alarmed.
[ Pounding on zamboni ]
It looks 100 years old.

[ Crowd laughing ]
Well, it works
just like new,

and it's kind of in keeping
with the whole idea,
don't you think ?

What whole idea ?

Scott, you got a zamboni here
in mystery, Alaska.

Yeah.
The original.

[ Laughter resumes ]

Why'd you say yes to boards ?
Sponsors ?

You guys have never played
with boards. Won't that be a
huge advantage to the rangers ?

John ?

You've been smiling
a lot lately.

Excuse me ?
Ever since he came back.

Charlie.
You've been smiling
a little more.

John, that was high school.

This is not a pond.

[ Announcer on TV ]
The fans are into it.

Let's play hockey.

[ Man #2 ]
Oh, there we go.
Oh, domi and Langdon.

Well, eight seconds in.
Domi leads the league
in penalty minutes.

A couple of short rights knocks
the helmet off. Another one.
Are they gonna get tired ?

I don't know.
We're playing these guys ?

Oh, he's landing
a couple of big ones,
and so is domi.

He's got the fans
into this one early, Sam.

Yo, maybe we should fast-forward
to the hockey part.

Yeah.
Good idea.

¶ You better watch out
you better not cry ¶

¶ you better not pout
I'm telling you why ¶
come on.

Come on !
¶ Santa claus
is coming to town ¶

caboose, holding on
back there ?
Yeah.

Toot, toot !
Uh-oh ! Uh-oh,
we're gonna crash !

Aah !
Oh, no !

What happened down here ?
¶ Santa claus is coming ¶

are you okay ?
Let me see.
Are you all right ?

¶ He sees you
when you're sleeping ¶

it's a rockewellian Christmas
up here--

skating, barbecues,
snow.

We're here with defenseman
Matt marden and--

cut.
What ?

I can't feel my fingers.

You need to rub 'em
on a nice warm
yuletide log.

¶ Santa claus
is coming to town ¶¶

I beg your pardon ?

Look. Christmas is
a lonely day for a guy to be
choking his own chicken.

And, as women reporters go,
I find you supple.

Oh, that was lovely.
It's a shame we weren't
rolling for that.

I'm sure he'd be happy
to repeat it.

You need to relax.
Charles !

Do you like massages ?

Tree, take the man
up front !
Defense !

Tree, you've got to take
the man !

Jesus !
All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Sorry, Johnny.

- Don't say you're sorry.
- Okay.
[ Laughs ]

Sorry.

Tree, am I a big guy ?

Yeah, Johnny.

No. Look.

See ? You're the big guy.

And we need you to start
playing like a big guy.

Okay ?
Are you a big guy ?

- Yes, Johnny.
- Come on. Say it.

Say it !

I'm a big guy !
Okay !

Okay ? Okay ?
Okay.

Okay, hit me.

I don't want
to hit you, Johnny.

- Come on, tree. Hit me !
- [ Laughing ]
Johnny--

I'm not Johnny !
I'm a New York ranger !

Hit me !
Stop it !

You look like the back end
of a moose, sasquatch.

[ Yelling ]
[ Groaning ]

You all right ?

Just like that, tree.

You hit me like that,
I'll kick your ass.
[ Men chattering ]

Eskimo soup.

I'm beginning to have
second thoughts about this.

And having Chuck fuck as
our liaison with the network
doesn't help.

If they're gonna be pouring
a lot of money into it,

I suppose you have
to let them sell it.
I suppose.

Besides, if they're
going to be doing
a profile on the town,

it's as good
as a commercial.

Our tourism might grow.

You know, this is the kind
of opportunity that--

what ?

What's that ?

Skank marden's
been in this bed.

[ Charles ]
You gotta be kidding me.

Well, that's
just great.

Shit !

What ?
Uh, we got a problem.

What problem ?
[ Sighs ]
Uh--

they're not coming.

What do you mean,
not coming ?

Evidently,
the ranger players...

Filed some kind of grievance
with the players' union,

and, uh--
we tapped ourselves
on the construction.

[ Sighs ]
Are you saying that we're not
going to get that money now ?

Uh, I don't
think so, no.

I'm really sorry, Scott.
I don't--
I don't even--

Jesus Christ, Scott !
Ow !

Jesus ! Oh, man !

Hey, hey.
That's enough.

It's keeping
the kids awake.
Come on.

I should arrest him.
That's what I should do.

Arrest him for what ?

Fraud.

Hey, he promised something
that he couldn't deliver.

This town spent money,

relying on
Charlie danner's word.

Flying in here
on a helicopter,

swinging the New York rangers
from his belt.
Come on, John.

You can't blame Charlie for
that.
Who else is there to blame ?

You want to sympathize
with the guy, fine.

But I really do not
need you taking his side.

- Okay. What is going on ?
- You tell me.

Okay, I think I've been
pretty patient with this
little jealousy thing.

The truth is, I've been
a little bit flattered.
Now I'm getting insulted.

You're insulted ?
Yes, John.

When you read my smiling
at him as a threat,
that insults me.

It is not just
a random smile, Donna.

[ Scoffs ]
Ever since
he came back...

You've been walking around
with a big "what if"
on your face.

We've been married 12 years.
Three kids.

Sweetheart,
I know your smiles.

And that smile is not for me.

John, everyone in this
goddamn town peeks over
the snowbank and wonders.

Except you wonder
what it would be like
with him--

Charlie fuckin' danner !

Don't talk to me
about betrayal.

You became half dead the minute
you were bumped from that team.
You disappeared.

This is not
an easy place
for a woman, John.

I thank God every day
I gave birth to boys.

I never chose to stay.
I chose you.

Give me that,
at least.

[ Door slams ]

Move that puck, fellas !
He's opening up !

Pass it out
to the wing !

Pass the puck !
Pass that puck !
That a boy !

Over here !
Whoo !

[ Boys shouting ]
Hi.

Young man,
lift your elbows.

And that'll keep the blade
flat on the ice.

I mean, you paid
for the whole stick.

You might as well
use it all, huh ?
Try it.

Good !
Good, mcgowan !
Good.

Hey. I'm goin'
on a piss later.
You wanna join me ?

[ Chuckles ]

No.

The league is taking
the players' union...

To federal court
in New York on Tuesday.

It might help if mystery
had a face there.

There's an estoppel argument
you could make.

Implied third-party contract
too.

Hmm.

Well, now we really have
something to talk about,
don't we ?

You slept with another man.

What's to talk about,
Mary Jane ?

All I've got...

Is the notion that being
adored by your husband...

Is enough in life.

You never touch me.

[ Sighs ]

Go ahead.

[ Sighs ]

[ Man ]
Nothing in the basic agreement
allows them...

To schedule
exhibition games.

Of course we can schedule
exhibition games.
Pre-season exhibition, but--

your honor, nothing has ever
limited this to pre-season.
You know this, Harold.

[ Harold ]
It's a cheap stunt, your honor,
and everybody knows that.

They want the ranger players
to go up to the north pole
and play pond hockey...

With a bunch of eskimos.

It's a big gimmick.
I mean, Mr. pruitt himself...

Has brought one of his
lumberjack players with him...

To help him further
the exploitation.

Objection,
your honor.

That's-that's not
a very nice thing to say.

Your honor, we've already
spent a lot of money
on this game.

You can sue the league
for restitution.

That's assuming that money
damages could make us whole.

But our reputation
has been hurt.

Reputation ?
Price world tried to move
up there, you opened fire.

What reputation ?

- Could I be heard ?
- Go ahead.

We do have our pride.

And--

and, uh, maybe sometimes
it's a little too connected
to how well we play hockey,

but we do have our pride.

And all of you,
and all the TV commentators...

Have been going around
saying that this is a farce--

that this
is all a big joke.

Our town is a big joke.

Is there
a legal argument coming ?
It's estoppel.

It's-it's in my brief.

What-what did you call--
you called my friend
something before.

What did you call him ?
A lumberjack.

That boy has a heart
bigger than this whole
courtroom.

He plays to play.

He skates to skate !

He don't make
a million bucks a year !

He loves the game of hockey !

He loves it.

Judge,

you can't take this game
away from us.

You can't.
It's not about money.

It's about our--

Mr. pruitt ?
Are you all right ?

- Bailey ?
- Mr. pruitt ?

[ Coughs ]

[ People clamoring ]

Bailey ? Bailey ? Bailey ?
[ Judge ] Somebody get
this man some help !

He's having a heart attack !
Somebody help him !

Jesus Christ.
[ Judge ] Bailiff,
call 911.

Bailey !
Give him some air !

Get somebody in here now !

He's not breathing !

Bailey !
Bailey !

¶ Holy, holy ¶

¶ lord God almighty ¶

¶ early in the morning ¶

¶ the sun shall rise
to thee ¶

¶ holy, holy, holy ¶

¶ merciful and mighty ¶

¶ God in three persons ¶

¶ blessed trinity ¶

my, uh--

my boy Mike
once asked Bailey how
he got to be so fat.

He said it was...

Because every time
he met somebody he liked,

his heart would grow
a little.

There were just so many
good people in mystery...

That eventually
his body had to expand
to accommodate.

He could have left
if he wanted,
but he stayed.

Not because other worlds
weren't available to him.

Because he loved
this place.

"This is a hockey town,"
he'd say.

And he never said it like
it was something we should
have to apologize for.

We're a hockey town.

I love this town too, John.

[ Footsteps ]

You sent him,
didn't you ?

To New York.

He won.

Game's back on ?

You're in this now,
old bear.

You have to coach.

If I'm coaching,

I need a captain
on the ice.

Move it !
[ Blows whistle ]

Move it, Stevie !
[ Blows whistle ]

Come on, birdie !
[ Blows whistle ]

Move it !

- [ Blows whistle ]
Move it, birdie !
- I'm moving !

Let's go, guys !
Let's do this !
[ Blows whistle ]

Pick up your feet !
[ Blows whistle ]

Push over !
[ Blows whistle ]

[ Men shouting ]

[ Blows whistle ]

Oh, man, I'm dying.

You lose a puck
over there in the bank,

you give it
to the other team.

If you lose a puck...

Along the boards,
you gotta fight for it !

Do you understand me ?

Yes, sir.
[ Men ]
yes, sir !

[ Men shouting ]

Come on, you guys !
Pick 'em up !

Whoo !

[ All shouting ]

[ Shouting, whooping ]

[ Mary Jane ]
So, who are you
gonna get ?

Oh, some celebrity.

To sing
the national anthem ?
Uh-huh.

That's great.
[ Knock at door ]

Yeah. Yeah, it's good.

[ Knocking ]
Coming !

Don't worry.
I didn't come here
to sleep with you.

I came to see
your husband.

Can I talk to you
for a second ?

Uh...

I, uh,

I just wanted to say,

you know,
that I'm sorry.

Uh, the truth is,
I don't really think
about anything.

I play hockey
and I fornicate...

Because they're the two
most fun things
in cold weather.

And...

When I get too old
to play in the game,

I'll probably just end up
a drunk, like my dad.
[ Laughs ]

I didn't mean
to hurt you.

And, uh,

I know that your
being mayor and all,

this game is a real
positive reflection on you.

Anyway, I'm gonna do
everything I can
to win this game--

for mystery,

for dead Bailey,

for you.

That's all
I came to say.

[ Sighs ]

[ Crowd shouting,
cheering ]

Oh, my God !
Is the whole team
in there ?

[ Cheering intensifies ]

How are you ?
Welcome to mystery.
Oh, my God !

Steroids ?
[ Scoffs ]
Yeah.

Big.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.

[ Scoffs ]
Not that big.

Go for it !
Hey, what's
your name ?

Make it out to Stevie.
Stevie.

Here you go,
Stevie.
Wow.

Uh, a little problem,
Johnny.

[ Whispering ]

¶ Ever since I was young
it's been my dream ¶

¶ that I might drive
the zamboni machine ¶
aah !

¶¶ [ Continues, indistinct ]

[ Siren blares ]

[ Siren continues ]

¶ Yeah, I wanna drive
the zamboni ¶

¶ well, I wanna drive
the zamboni ¶

¶ yes, I do ¶¶

- what the hell do you
think you're doing ?
- I'm leaving town.

What are you doing ?
Come on.
Get down.

Why ?
It's my zamboni, right ?
I brought it here.

- You want me to take you in ?
- What, are you gonna arrest me
for reckless zamboni dri--

fine. Take me in, John.
I don't care.

Why don't you impound
my helicopter ?

Whoa. Why don't you break
my goddamn nose too, huh ?

- They'd probably
elect you mayor.
- [ Laughs ]

- You wanna get some coffee ?
- I-- where's my parade ?
Huh ?

I brought 'em here.
Why don't I get a parade ?

You know what I'd settle for
is a thank you.

[ Laughs ]
This fuckin' town.

You know, when I left,
this town rejected me.

Huh ?

The day
I checked out of here,
all I could think about...

Was the day
I would chug back in
with a pulitzer in my hand.

And I would step off that train
and say,

"why don't you
skate on this, you--"

[ gags ] I'm sick.
Oh, God, I'm sick. Oh, God.

[ Retching ]

[ Sighs ]

So that's what this
is all about, Charlie ?

You saying fuck you
to all of us ?

No, it's not.

Goddamn, John,
what do I gotta do ?

Huh ? This town is hockey,
hockey, hockey, right ?

So I bring back
the New York rangers.

The New York rangers !
You don't get it, do you ?

Oh, I--
clearly not.

Well, leaving out the fact
that you set all this up
for your own benefit,

we agreed to a game
of pond hockey,

on open ice.

Now we're playing on a rink
in a box--

boards, blue lines,
referees.

What if we lose this game
25-zip, Charlie ?

You brought back
the one thing...

That could tear the heart
out of this place.

[ Sighs ]

Now, either you
thought about that,

or you didn't.

Finally
got them down.
Uh-huh.

[ Clears throat ]

Dear Abby.

All the words
are crossed out.

Not the important ones.

Just read it.

"Radiant.

"Maximum.
[ Laughs ]

"Madly.

"Fancy.

"Simple.

"Stamina.

Wedding."
John.

Keep reading.

"Body.

"Baby son.

"Bedroom. Morning.
Expressive. Tender.

"Take care.

"Love. Patience.

"Amends.

[ Whispering ]
Human."

It's beautiful, honey.

[ Door opens ]
John ?

[ Door closes ]

Hey !

Yeah. Heard you lost
a little.

Ah ! Whoo !
You can't catch me !

[ Laughing ]

Okay. All right.
Okay.

Hmm.

[ Coyote howling ]

Mmm !

[ Grunting ]

[ Continues grunting ]

[ Crowd chattering ]

Inuit, eskimo-- whatever.
Just zero in on faces
that look local.

Okay, ready, five ?
Take five.

Welcome back.
I'm Jim fox.

And joining me right now
is hockey legend
Donnie shulzhoffer...

In from flin flon,
manitoba.

Donnie,
let's get right to it.

I've had a chance to see
the mystery team practice.
They skate fast,

and a couple of guys
can really shoot the puck.

Look, the alaskans have never
taken on a team of this
size and skill before, okay ?

And don't kid yourself.
The New York rangers are
taking this game personal.

All right ?
It isn't exactly
rocket surgery.

Now send the kids
out of the room.

I don't care how fast
a skater you are, if
you don't play this game...

With a big heart and a big
bag of knuckles...

In front of the net,
you don't got dinky-do.

[ Crowd chattering,
whooping ]

He'll see you now.
Oh !

Oh, wow.

Uh, th--
thank you for seeing me,
mister--

little Richard.

This is an honor.

May I ?

[ Clears throat ]

Little Richard,
I'm from mystery.

Now, this is a little town
that derives...

Much of its esteem
from hockey.

I was wondering.

When you're singing
the national anthem--

well--
I'm cold.

Yes.

Which makes what I'm
about to ask...

Seem like
a monumental request.

Can I get one ?
Okay, everybody, get
your newspapers here.

One newspaper apiece. Hi.
Enjoy the game.

Hello. I'm Doug mcleod,
and with me is
NHL hall of famer...

And two-time
Stanley cup winner,
Phil esposito.

It's the great Alaskan
hockey rush--

brought to you live
by the national hockey league...

And the sports broadcasting
corporation,

[ explodes ]
Pitting
the New York rangers...

Against a cinderella team
from the tiny town
of mystery, Alaska.

And here come
the red, white and blue.

[ Man ]
¶ start spreading the news ¶

¶ I'm leaving today ¶

¶ I want to be ¶

¶ a part of it ¶
[ Laughing ]

¶ New York, New York ¶
[ Man ] Look at this !
Wow. No respect. I love it.

¶ These vagabond shoes ¶

¶ are longing to stray ¶

[ no audible dialogue ]

¶ Right through
the very heart of it ¶¶

and here come
the boys of winter.

[ Cheers, applause ]

All right !
[ Laughing ]

[ Mcleod ]
Well, there are only 11 skaters
to the rangers' 18,

but also,
it's minus ten outside.

[ Esposito ]
That kind of cold can be
rough on the new yorkers.

There's no doubt about it.
But mystery's going to need more
than the cold on their side.

Yeah, Stevie !
The town's grocer
is their best scorer,

their fastest guy
is a high school kid...

And the captain
is the town sheriff.

[ Laughing ]
Like we said, folks,
this is a small town.

And the size of this ice surface
could be an equalizer
for the mystery team.

It'll definitely help.
I've never seen ice this big.
[ Laughing ]

It's even bigger
than the olympic rinks.

[ Announcer ]
And now, to sing
the national anthem, the one,

the only,
little Richard !

¶¶ [ Organ plays intro ]

[ Man ]
"Tutti frutti" !

This is great, huh ?

¶ Oh, say can ¶

¶ you see ¶

¶ by the dawn's ¶

¶ early light ¶

¶ what so proudly ¶
¶ proudly ¶

camera three,
stay off the rangers.
They look miserable.

They're freezing already.
Why the hell is he
singing so goddamn slow ?

¶ And the home ¶

¶ of the ¶

¶ brave ¶
[ Cheers, applause ]

¶ Whoooo ¶
[ Laughing ]
Yeah !

¶ Ooh-whoo ¶¶

wow ! Maybe the cold
slowed him down.
Beautiful.

All right,
the starting lineups--
¶ oh ¶

¶ Canada ¶
uh-oh.
Great !

Starting to piss me off.

Where does it say
Canadian national anthem ?

¶ We stand ¶

¶ on guard ¶

¶ for thee ¶
you all right ?

The mystery team
has a shot, right ?

¶ Canada ¶¶
a shot at what ?

Hey, listen, buddy.

Do you know where a guy
can get a rub and a tug
around here ?

What ?

[ Mcleod ]
Here we go.
Let's play hockey.

All the hoopla
is over.

The puck drops here.

[ Panting ]

[ Players shouting ]
Jackson dumps banks
and gets the draw.

Back to Billy wasson.
He moves up and gives
back to Jackson.

He takes it wide
and gains the mystery zone.

Down the borders with Lane
checking Jackson
around the net.

Back to wasson, wide open.
Shoots-- what a save
by holt !

Get it out, guys !
Get it out !

[ Mcleod ] Mystery is rattled.
They're running around
like a house league.

- Don't chase ! Don't chase !
- Get it !

Jackson controls again.
Over to king.

He moves it to wasson,
over to robertson.

Nifty toe drag
around banks. Shoots !
And a save by holt.

Shit.
Rangers in control.
Holt with another save !

[ Esposito ]
It's a shooting gallery
out there !

[ Mcleod ]
Wasson, a shot.
Jackson shooting.

Finally, holt controls
the rebound.

He dishes it around
behind the net for John biebe.

[ Walter ] Take your time !
Take your time !
And the captain holds it there.

Rangers press
as mystery breaks out.

Biebe on over to banks
in the corner.
Go to Connor !

And there's the pass.

Here comes weeks.
He is behind the advance.

It is one on one
with Sam gainer.

It is a two-man hockey game
right here !

He leads left, goes right,
shoots-- scores !

Weeks scores on the breakaway,
and mystery leads,
one to nothing.

That's cool !
[ Mcleod ]
unbelievable.

One step
and he was gone.

That kid
can actually fly.

Two minutes
into the first period,

mystery gets
on the board first,

and this home crowd
is going crazy.
Whoo !

Here we go at center ice.

Rangers win again.
Duffin chased into
the mystery zone.

Biebe back to get it.
Neskorami on the porch.

And hard !
He stamps the captain
into the screen !

High sticking, fuck shit !

No !
So much for a friendly
exhibition game.

- Play the man !
- Mystery has settled a bit,

but the rangers
continue to control.

This is ranger hockey.

Wasson's back for a shot--
and winetka steals !

Here comes the odd-man rush.
It is Ben and galin.

[ Esposito ]
Look at the passing here !

[ Mcleod ]
Connolly trailing.
Drop, pass, shot.

- Saved by gainer !
- Shit !

He moves it around to yeaton.
Swings a pass on the take
to lovulette.

- Oh !
- Oh, yes, indeed !

Great hit.
Did you see that ?
That's my tree !

And some rangers take
exception to that hit.
[ All shouting ]

Okay, that's it !
You're gone !

Outta here. Get out.

- [ Shouting ]
- Hey, that one
is too small, eh ?

Next time send me
a bigger one.

[ Shouting ]
The biggest one you got.

Knock it off.
That'll be enough.

[ Johnny ]
Come on, this is your puck !

[ Mcleod ]
Banks wins the draw.
Over to marden, up toward burns.

And here they come,
five on four !

Burns lays it
behind the net to weeks.

Now mystery sets off
on the power play
in the ranger zone.

They're looking
to find Connor banks.
He is the sniper.

Biebe. Banks.
One-timer ! Scores !

- Yes !
- Yeah !

Connor banks and a one-timer
from biebe ! Wow !

Great pass !
Great pass !

And it's mystery two
and the rangers zero.

[ Esposito ]
This kid Connor
has got a shot like a bullet.

I mean, he's a grocery clerk,
for crying out loud.

The rangers
look stunned, Doug.

We're bringing
them down, guys !

Two-nothing.
Let's keep it up !

Whoo !
They act like lumberjacks !

¶¶ [ "LA cucaracha"
over p.A. ]

Donnie, the mystery boys--
two unanswered goals
in the first period.

Jimmy, you gotta
love these kids.
God knows I do.

What is going on ?
Somebody lit a fire
under their ass.

This is a-number one,
first-class hockey.

You know I'm not a fan
of that tippy-tappy,

tic-tac-toe,
wide-open skating.

But I'm telling you,
some pretty good goals.
I'm loving these kids.

I want to adopt them.
How's that ?

I want to clean them up
and raise them as my own.

Someone who's
not surprised, Brian.

Donna biebe,
wife of captain John biebe.

Well, what a period.
Yes, it was.

What's it like seeing
your husband out there
with the New York rangers ?

It's great.
It's something, actually.

Did you see
your daddy out there ?

I have a toy pony.
He takes big shits.

Excellent.
Back to you.

Defensemen...

Use each other
as outlets.

Yes, coach !
Hunt in corners !

They're not that good.
We can beat these guys.

They're not that good !
[ Walter ]
you're damn right we can !

Yeah !
[ Men cheering, yelling ]

- Come on, let's go !
- [ Man ]
Ready four ? Take four.

Come on, Stevie !
[ Mcleod ]
Steven weeks, on the move.

Carries out
of his own zone.

Look out !
Yeaton rips the head off him !

Weeks over the boards
and into the ranger bench !
Wow !

Come on !
And now they help weeks
back onto the ice...

- In that New York way.
- Give me my stick !

[ Esposito ]
Man, he's lucky to get
out of there alive.

[ Mcleod ]
Well, the rangers
have stepped it up, Phil.

Coach Higgins must have had
one of his screaming fits...

Between periods.
Now, look at this.

The rangers are platooning
back and forth...

Between the warm
dressing room.

- [ Esposito ] Well, that's
something I've never seen.
- That's not legal.

Is that legal ?
That's not legal.

[ Mcleod ]
The rangers continue
the pressure.

Pick up the man in front !
Pick him up !

Scores !

And the rangers
are finally on the board.

Let's go, guys.
Let's go !

Rangers on another rush.
Three on two,
wide across the ice.

Back into the slot,
shot, scores !

The slap shot beats holt
on the stick side,

and that ties it up
at two.

[ Man ]
Put a body
in front of him !

[ Mcleod ]
Rangers go back to work now.
Robertson to wasson.

There's a move
behind the net to Rourke.

A puck shot to--
shoots and he scores !

Yeah !
[ Laughing ]
That's hockey !

[ Esposito ]
It's really starting
to unravel for mystery.

They just lost their composure,
and now they are paying for it.

Rangers take their
first lead of the game,
three to two,

with 12h minutes left
in the period.

And back comes mystery.
Birdie burns with biebe.

Burns shooting !

What the fuck was that ?
Biebe torpedoed
into the net !

That sets off
another scuffle.

[ Men shouting ]
[ Man ]
hey, fuck you !

He's back up
and rejoins the play.

- Burns carries through
centre ice.
- Pass it !

He's got banks on the wing.
Pass to the middle.
Robertson catches it.

- Oh ! What a hit !
- [ Whistle blows ]

[ Esposito ]
Birdie burns is caught trying
to do it all by himself...

And he got his wings trimmed
right there, man.

Birdie.
You don't pass, you sit.

[ Mcleod ]
Now skank marden carries out.

Hooked by neskorami,
marden goes down.

- Rangers score !
- [ Man ]
What the hell was that ?

- Marden was hooked.
- Are you crazy ?

- How many times are you gonna
let him hook me ?
- [ All shouting ]

Back off !
Back off !

And another ranger line
comes back warm
from the locker room.

Holt comes out
and sheriff's deputy...

Bobby michan goes in at goal.

Saved ! Michan stacks
the pads !

And mystery comes
streaking back the other way.

The winetkas lead the way.
They gain the zone.

Back over the blue line.
And it's intercepted !

[ Esposito ]
Jackson's on a breakaway !
On center ice.

No way.
And Lane chases.

He... scores !

Five unanswered goals,
and the rangers are
steamrolling.

- [ Man ]
Come on, mystery !
- Damn !

We'll be right back
with the third period.

[ Groans ]

¶¶ [ Big band swing
over p.A. ]

Different story
in the second period.

The rangers have
all the momentum now.
Five straight goals.

I feel really bad
for these boys, Jimmy.
I really do.

Nobody told them
it was just a show.

[ Jimmy ]
There's still a period to go.
Twenty minutes. Any hope ?

- I hate to say it.
They're done like dinner.
- Aw, bullshit.

Hey, we're on the air.

Don't panic.
Don't panic.

We'll get our shots.
We're not out.

Balls to the walls, huh ?

[ Groans ]

You're gonna need
some stitches, John.
After.

[ Groaning ]
Oh, Jesus.
Can't hold a stick.

It might be broken.

Well, tape it,
'cause I'm not coming out.

- Tape it.
- We'll look at it after
the game, all right ?

You all right, John ?
Yeah.

Here's what I want.
One man in, wings on wings.

Nobody pinches.
Trap the neutral zone.
Why ? We're down.

I want to keep the score close.
As long as it's not a rout,
we go home winners.

Now, if we gain the zone,
you get across the blue line,
you dump.

Send in only the first guy.
What are you talking about ?

- I'm talking about
we're beaten.
- We're not beaten.

I'm not beaten !

We're in this game !

Anybody here tired ?
No.
No.

- Anybody fuckin' tired ?
- [ Together ]
No !

- Holt ?
- I'm just warming up, sheriff.

- Connor ?
- I'm ready, John.

- Birdie, you with us ?
- Yup.

Good. The rangers
are starting to breathe
through their mouths.

Their strides
are getting shorter.

Do not give these guys
too much respect.

- They didn't pull a dog sled,
did they ?
- [ All ] No.

- They didn't skate the river,
did they ?
- [ All ] No.

Forget about that fucking
circus out there.

That's still black ice.
This is our pond.

You're goddamn right.
That's right.

- Biebe's right. We gotta
take it to these guys.
- [ All talking ]

Heads up !

This is our pond.

Nice assist.

I will. I will.
We gotta do it together, man.

[ Men chattering ]

[ Laughing, whooping ]

[ Mcleod ] Mystery is hoping
the cold of night will stem
this ranger tide.

Get it, John !
But the rangers
are right back on the attack.

Oh ! And a huge hit
by biebe !

It's payback time,
and that one's for Stevie weeks.

Face-off on the rangers' end.
Rangers get the draw.

Cangrapoole along the boards.
Lane pitches,
and the puck squirts free.

- Jackson's got it !
- Eleven, pick him up !

Come on, boys.
Cover it !

He's gone on the breakaway.
This could really put
mystery away.

They're chasing,
but Jackson's all alone.

- Come on !
- Jackson fakes and shoots !

A huge save by holt !

[ Esposito ]
Holt stood on his head. I've
never seen a save like that !

Great save, holt.
Come on, guys.

Come on, tree. Let's go, baby.
Come on, galin. Let's go now.

Face-off at the mystery
blue line.

Rangers win the draw.
Back to Rory.

- And both winetkas forecheck.
- Take it in !

Galin knocks the puck
to brother Ben
and carries it into the zone.

Connolly trails.
He has it in his sights.

He shoots--
scores !

And he rips the shot
over gainer's glove !

Yeah ! Ha !
Yeah !

Goal by 29.
All right,
we're back in it, boys !

Wow, Johnny !

Go ! Go, go, go, go, go !
Let's go !

That makes it five to three,
and mystery has a pulse again.

But the rangers
control the puck.

Back to wasson.
He winds for the shot.
Marden drops to block.

Oh, my God.
[ Esposito ] oh, man !
Does that gotta hurt !

- Oh, mommy.
- He really took one
in the siege for the team.

[ Mcleod ]
Mystery gets the loose puck
and heads the other way.

Now marden is slow to get up.

And Phil, you don't see
a guy just lie down
in front of a Billy wasson...

90-mile-an-hour slap shot
very often.

[ Esposito ] Mystery is giving
everything they've got.
This is great hockey.

Everybody in !

As soon as you cross
the blue line,

holt, you come,
skank, you go.
Yeah.

Three men on the puck.
Defense, you gotta pinch !

Throw it at the net.
Everybody's gotta crash.

- Come on, let's go !
- Right with you, sir.

Hang if you have to,
Connor.
Got it.

- Blow it out your ass.
- [ Laughing ]

Plenty of time. Plenty of time.
Let's go !
Come on, guys !

1:26.
Two goals down.

And time is running out
for mystery.
Desperation time, Doug.

Look for burns
to pull their goalie.

They want to get
that extra attacker
into the play.

Come on !
It's not over !
Mystery ! Mystery !

Mystery ! Mystery !
[ Crowd chanting ]
mystery ! Mystery !

Let's rock, boys.
Let's get it going !

[ Crowd ]
Mystery ! Mystery !

And banks wins it.
Biebe carries.

And there goes holt.
[ Esposito ]
six attackers. The net's empty.

[ Mcleod ]
On the wing to weeks.
He gains the zone.

And here comes mystery.
Let's see how they work
the puck.

From right wing to right point,
down low to birdie burns.

Here comes burns,
working for a shot.
He's gonna shoot.

No, he passes the puck
to biebe ! Shoots !

- Scores !
- [ Together ]
Yea !

Biebe scores off a great pass
from birdie burns.

- Yeah !
- Five to four,
mystery down by one,

and now, 43 seconds
to play.

It's not over yet !
Who would have ever guessed
it would get to this ?

Did you see that ?
Mystery, Alaska, one goal away
from tying the New York rangers.

Come on !
One more ! One more !

Don't rush the shot.
Three men across the blue line.

Skank, you in the middle.

Yeah.
Work it down low,
look for Connor.
Don't rush it.

Forty-three seconds,

and then the rest
of your lives.

Forty-three seconds.
You own that time.

It's your time.
Am I right ?

Right on !
Take it !
Take it !

Mystery's gonna keep
their goalie on the bench.

Six on five,
with the empty net behind.

[ Esposito ]
They're going for it.
Everything's on the line !

This is what this game's
all about.

[ Mcleod ]
Rangers win the draw.
Robertson for the empty net !

And he just missed it !

Plenty of time !
Plenty of time !

Biebe slowing it down
behind the net.

Stay high.
All the way in, Stevie.

Now weeks takes it
and carries it on
down the wing.

- [ Esposito ] This kid
still has got the jets.
- Yes ! Yes !

[ Mcleod ]
They'll be working to free up
Connor banks in the slot.

Here comes mystery.
Banks trying to get free.

Biebe's got it !
Here comes Connor banks !

He's got a shot !

[ Groaning ]

[ Alarm sounds ]

[ No audio ]

[ No audio ]

Wow.

Mystery ! Mystery !

[ Cheers, applause
continue ]

Good game.
Good game.

Good game.
Good game.

Nice game.

[ No audible dialogue ]

Great game, son.

Great game, judge.

Stevie !
Hey.

I can't believe
you're leaving.
I know.

We never even had sex.

I'll be back
in a couple of months.

You better.

For real ?
Can you believe it ?

[ Yelling, laughing ]

Oh, man !
[ Laughing ]
Yeah, I know.

Your little garden
is gonna have fun.

There's some serious
turnip to hoe
in New York City.

I'm not going
to the New York rangers
right away.

They're sending me
to binghamton,
which is like the ahl.

Yeah !
[ Both laughing ]

Stevie weeks too ?
Yeah.

Both to binghamton, huh ?
Two-way contracts.

To start with.
They'll make it.

They won't be
coming back.

Shame they couldn't
take skank with them, huh ?

Well, good for you, John.
You'll be back
in the Saturday game then.

Uh-huh. Yeah.
Until you can find
a way to bump me again.

All right, folks.
Gotta go.

Love to stay,
but, uh, gotta go.

You're not going
on the helicopter ?
No.

There's no room on that thing.
I got a car waiting
to take me to Fairbanks.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Yeah ?

Thank you.

- Yeah.
- [ Laughs ]

I'm gonna say goodbye
to Connor.

He's a--

you got a great
family there.

I do.
Yeah.

Well, we don't have
to say goodbye, really.
I hope to be back in June.

Don't bring the Yankees.

I love you.

Bye.

Bye.

John.

[ Helicopter engine
starting ]

[ Man ]
¶ I just want to see you ¶

[ cheers, applause ]

¶ I just want
to catch you if I can ¶

- ¶¶ [ continues, indistinct ]
- Bye.

¶ All I want
is for you to stay ¶

¶ why don't you just take me
where I've never been before ¶

so that blocked shot
must have really hurt, huh ?

Not too bad.

'Cause I have three hours
till my crew's ready
to leave.

¶ I love you till the end ¶

¶ I love you till the end ¶

¶ I just want to be there ¶

¶ when we're caught
in the rain ¶

¶ I just want to see you laugh
not cry ¶

¶ I just want to feel you ¶

¶ when the night puts on
its cloak ¶

¶ I'm lost for words
don't tell me ¶

¶ 'cause all I can say
I love you till the end ¶

¶ I love you till the end ¶

¶ I'll love you till the end ¶

[ kids shouting ]

¶ I'll love you till the end ¶

¶ I'll love you till the end ¶

¶ all I can say
I'll love you till the end ¶¶