My X-Girlfriend's Wedding Reception (1999) - full transcript

Bobby and Leila, I just wanna say--

MAN: Lisa! Lisa!

Lisa?

Bobby and Lisa, I wish you as much joy in your marriage

as I had in my mine.

And, Lisa, I've got two words for you.

Community property state.

Because one day you're gonna wake up

next to that sweat-soaked, beer-laden son of a bitch

and you're gonna realize

all you have to show for your marital bliss



is an ugly-ass white dress you'll never wear again,

probably a case of chlamydia,

and the sure knowledge that you have made a hideous mistake.

And on that day, you better hope you hid your jewelry

and used adequate birth control.

God bless.

[man singing in mock Italian]

[cheering and applause]

COMMENTATOR: Somewhere past the infield,

the Mets have a chance to pull this one out

and snap the four-game losing streak.

Here's Hanlon, his second pitch to Sanchez,

and that one's fouled off behind the plate...

Shit!



Sweetie, can we get two more of those?

Oh, Anthony C, he wanted it too.

T! T!

He's not C. Please!

- I'm sorry. - Mamma mia.

Ooh, naked ladies! Naked ladies!

Well, it's all over.

It's not over.

It's all over.

Talkin' about the baseball game, it's not over.

Ahh!

Boner, I'm gonna take him home.

No, I'm the designated hitter tonight.

MAN: Come on, time to get you out of here.

Okay, Bobby, but don't forget to go to church tomorrow.

Bye, T!

[laughs]

You know...

after hanging out with your friends all night,

I don't know how you turned out to be such a nice guy.

You know, you're not so bad yourself.

[laughs]

I gotta get some sleep.

Come on, honey, let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Let's go, come on.

- Let's go. - [moaning]

You look so funny.

[laughs]

Ah, Lisa! I love you.

I love Lisa too.

She's the best.

[kisses]

[Bobby sighing]

You're always late.

Why do you have to be always late?

Can't you just buy yourself a clock?

Can't you leave an hour early? Why are you always late?

It's nice to see you too, Mrs. Weinstein.

- What? What was that? - We'll be ready in about 10, 15 minutes.

I want you to come in through the kitchen, I don't want you to go in through the front, though.

The guests are about to arrive. They're gonna see you.

You plotz, you were supposed to be set up two hours ago.

Where in the contract does it say we pay you to be late?

The part that says "working for cheap."

[couple moaning]

[couple sighing]

Ouch! Ouch!

[laughing]

[sighing]

Whoo!

[chuckles]

You are looking

at the luckiest fucking guy on the planet.

I'm looking at "Mr. I had a thousand fucking cocktails."

- Something like that. - [laughing]

Oh, sorry.

No, Diane, come in. Come on in.

Ow! Don't! Shit.

[women laughing]

Gotta go to the bathroom.

I'll see you later.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

See you inside.

[laughs]

Oh, look at you.

You look so beautiful!

I can't believe you're really married.

Don't cry! [laughing]

Oh, my God.

Oh! You're gonna need this.

- Is he here? - Uh-huh.

I can't believe he's really here.

You know when the last time I saw him was?

It was when I called him and I invited him here

and he said... he said,

"Don't you think we should break up first?"

[laughing]

Do I smell like sex?

- I do. I do. - What?

Or the limo. It smells like sex in here, doesn't it?

Um...

Lisa, remember when I loaned you...

remember when you borrowed my white Versace dress without me knowing

and you spilled red wine on it--

You gonna bring that up now? That was like, what, three years ago?

-I know, but-- -We got over that.

That was my favorite dress.

I thought I apologized for that already.

Come on, what's the point of this?

What's up?

The point is that I forgave you.

Remember that, as hard as it was, I forgave you.

Come on, you two, we're getting ready to do the introductions.

All right, you know, look, you go on ahead, okay? I'll be in in two seconds.

Just give me a minute.

You okay, honey?

I'm fine, I'm fine, just go. Go, go.

- All right. - Just stuff the...

[pills rattling]

You need some aspirin?

I'll see you in a minute, all right?

Congratulations to both of youse.

But, Lisa, watch out now that you're married

for who are your real friends.

I mean, I've been around the block,

but let me tell you, there are two kinds of women,

there's the kind that's your sister,

and there's the kind that'll fuck you behind the back. Watch out for those.

- [funky music playing] - Nick, where are my sticks? Did you get my sticks?

- Yeah, I got 'em, man. - Where are they?

Come on. How come this shit isn't set up?

Hey, fellas, what's going on, man?

[indistinct chatter]

Why do you even give a fuck about this?

I don't give a fuck about you.

I want you to set my shit up as soon as possible.

I don't even like you. I don't.

[indistinct chatter, music continues]

- Another night. - And you are pissing me off.

[indistinct chatter]

Look, this is me picking up my big stick.

Max, Max.

Yes.

Who is that?

That's Hebber Stebber. He's the lead singer.

He doesn't like to talk to people until he's all set up.

It's not a good idea to talk to musicians in general, Mrs. Weinstein,

until they're all set up, but they're not ready yet.

They're not... yeah.

Listen, Mr. Silver, I have to talk to you.

It's about Mrs. Weinstein. We have to get things rolling.

Um, the wedding party is gonna come in,

and they're gonna do their thing, the band's gonna intro them in,

- and then they're gonna do some-- - Weinstein, band intro, right.

- Exactly, and then-- - Listen, don't sweat it, man,

'cause I'm just gonna get the pictures and then I'm outta here, okay?

You're... what?

Ha. I come in, I take a few pictures, then I'm gone, don't sweat it.

- Uh... - I'm outta here.

Wait a second, for the afternoon.

You have to stay for the afternoon, the cutting of the cake.

Yeah, listen, I come in and I take the pictures

and I get the whole thing on film, and then I'm gone.

Right, but make sure that--

[clicking tongue]

Come here.

Does this business work for you?

Well, yeah, Should be over by the piano.

[chuckles] No. No, I mean, weren't you fucking the bride?

She would have driven me crazy, man, I could have never stayed with her.

She was born with one of these like pressure genes, you know what I mean?

One of these stress genes, like, you know,

she always has somewhere to go, something to do.

Usually, it was like working out-- I'd say, "Do you wanna go to a movie?"

"I can't, I gotta go work out. I gotta work, I gotta do this."

I think maybe that's why she gets along with Bobby.

I mean, you know, they're always like working out, I think.

But see, that's just living a lie. You know, it's okay to tone,

but if you work out like eight, nine times-- that's living a--

She would have driven me crazy.

Lisa, I fucked Bobby last night.

Accidentally.

But it's okay

because I don't remember anything about it.

Oh...

I'm sorry.

[sobs]

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

[groans] Oh, God, it's pathetic.

I'm sorry!

This is jammed.

What?

It's jammed.

This piece of $25,000 plastic junk is jammed.

- Let me see it. - Wait a minute.

Let me look. Can I look, for crying out loud?

- Jesus, God, let me look at it! - All right!

I never get to use the camera. I'm always the stupid assistant.

Of course you're the assistant, that's your job.

I'm the boss here, I'm the director,

I'm the artist, I'm the auteur.

Yeah, but I never get to use the camera.

I mean, how can I grow in this business

if you don't teach me and show me?

- I gotta learn, no? - All right, enough.

[drum tattooing]

[indistinct chatter]

Check it out.

We're gonna do first dance for Lisa and Bobby.

- You're gonna sing that. - All right.

Just work your way through it, mumble whatever you wanna sing, it doesn't matter.

I'll call out the chords, and we're gonna do a first dance for the parents' dance.

Then we're gonna do some jazz during dinner.

- Jazz? Jazz? - Some jazz during dinner.

I'll swing, but I am not playing fucking jazz.

Jazz is not my joint, man.

- I'm sorry. - MAN: Jazz does suck.

You know what we can do, we can play fake jazz.

- Fake jazz? - Yeah, well...

[jazz playing]

MAX: Are you ready? I said are you ready?

Let's hear it for Debbie Weinstein

and Christopher Benigni,

the flower girl and ring bearer.

One of the bridesmaids and one of the groomsmen.

Let's hear it for Tanya Goldikenner

and Anthony T!

Do I talk now?

Okay, now, listen, uh...

Bobby, Lisa.

This is, uh, the T-man.

I love you both. Congratulations.

And, Bobby, you're a lucky guy.

You better make sure you take care of this girl

'cause you know there ain't too many of them around.

Okay, you guys are the luckiest people in the world.

Guy like me, I wish I was in your shoes, Bobby.

I mean, I know from now on you ain't gonna be able to hit the clubs, you know,

so no more golfing early in the morning, the fishing's over with.

Uh, you know, those threesomes are definitely a thing of the past,

but I love you both, and you're a lucky guy, and just don't let it happen again, okay,

or I'm gonna have to come and hit you on the head, you know what I'm talking about?

Because, you know, I know I had a couple of girls,

half of them you know what they are, hose bags,

but I love you, Lisa, you're not one of them.

Take care of each other.

God bless.

Another bridesmaid, another groomsman.

Suzanne Abraham and Anthony C!

Bobby, I just wanted you to know,

you know I don't do video and I don't give photo.

But I'm gonna go on this for you.

'Cause I don't never forget what you done for me.

We're kids from the neighborhood.

When I was away, you never forgot where I was.

You come and see me, you sent me money.

I'm never gonna forget that.

I love you, kid.

And you take care of this girl 'cause she's a good kid.

She's a Weinstein, but now she's one of us.

I wish you all the best in the world.

I'll never forget you. Thank you.

Let's hear it for Vivian Weinstein

and Johnny Boy!

Johnny Boy!

[cheering]

All right, let's make some noise for the golden girls.

Aunt Sadie and Aunt Lippie!

- So, darling, we love you. - Ah, sweet princess.

- We love you so much. - Darling.

- The light of our life. The heart... - The heart and soul.

- Oh, yes. - I'd bleed from every cell for you, Lisa.

- I'd cut off my arms and my legs for you. - Oh, yes.

- We would do anything for you. - Me and my torso, who cares?

You are the woman you are because of us.

We are your inspiration, you are our inspiration.

- We adore you, you're our angel. - We adore you.

- And just remember about marriage. - And the premiums.

Yes, and the premiums.

Marriage is like a soufflé.

Just because you cook with the same ingredients

doesn't mean it will rise to the occasion every time.

This is true, Lisa, darling, this is true.

Yes, and don't forget the insurance.

- The insurance and the premiums. - Premiums.

- Don't forget, honey, sweetheart, no matter what. - Every three months.

- The premiums must be paid. - Absolutely.

No payee, no playee. Remember this, darling. This is very important.

Take it from your Aunt Sadie, who loves you so much, and your Aunt Lippie.

- Aunt Lippie loves you, darling, the best. - Mmmm!

Hey, here comes Uncle Pauly

and his beautiful special Connie.

[band playing jazz]

Let's hear it for Godfather Carmine

and his special date.

[cheering and applause]

I'm pretty lucky to be here today. I just got outta the hospital.

I was in a motorcycle accident, I had what they called a fractured coccyx.

Wasn't familiar with medical terms.

I just thought that was a nice way of saying something else.

So when I was in the hospital, I called for the nurse 'cause I was all in traction,

and I pushed the button, I said, "What's all this?"

She says, "Oh, you've got a fractured coccyx,"

and I said, "Well, will I ever be able to use it again?"

She laughed, she went, "Ha ha, you know where it is?"

I said, "Well, I know where it was before I got here."

So anyway, that's besides the point,

but anyway, Bobby, I wish you a hell of a lot more luck than what I have,

and whatever you do, keep an eye on that

because if you ruin that in the beginning of the marriage,

you're gonna have a problem.

So I wish the two of youse all the luck in the world.

I love youse both. Take care. I'm happy to be here.

Take care of yourself.

Here comes the father of the groom, and his daughter,

Gino Benigni and Marla Benigni!

All right, let's hear it for Boner!

And Diane Dare,

the best man and the maid-of-honor.

[band playing jazz]

♪ Bobby and Lisa sitting in a tree ♪

♪ K-i-s-s-i-n-g

♪ First comes love, then comes marriage ♪

♪ Then comes Bobby and Lisa in a baby carriage ♪

♪ Suckin' their thumbs, wettin' their pants ♪

♪ Doin' the hula-hula dance

Here comes mom and dad,

Irving and Sylvia Weinstein!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Michael Jordan!

[cheering stops]

I'm sorry. I've always wanted to do that.

I'm just kidding.

- Did you hear that? - Oh, Max, you schmuck.

For the first time in the history of the universe as we know it,

Lisa and Bobby!

[cheering]

Come on, let's make some noise!

- Whoo! - Yeah! Yeah!

- Whoo! - [cheering and applause]

[whistles]

I think marriage is exhausting.

I look at married people, I get tired.

- I think it's exhausting. - It is exhausting.

I enjoy my life as a single woman.

I enjoy myself. I'm independent, I'm strong.

- Don't answer to anybody. - That's right. - I enjoy it.

- We do what we want when we wanna do it. - Our own thing.

That's right. I'm happy, are you happy?

- Walk around naked and not worry about it... - Are you happy?

- ...because we can. - I'm happy.

- Right? - No, I don't want a man. I really don't want a man.

We'd like to bring out the mother and father of the bride,

Mr. and Mrs. Weinstein!

[band playing rock ballad]

And now we'd like to have

the mother and father of the groom,

Mr. and Mrs. Benigni!

All right, I see Mr. Benigni, I don't see Mrs. Benigni.

Come on out, you're missing the moment.

This is it, this is your chance. Embrace life.

It's now, it's for the taking. Mrs. Benigni!

Hey, you! You son of a bitch, I'm talking to you!

- She's dead! - [music stops]

Did you hear what I said? She's dead!

[guests fall silent]

[man coughs]

[guests murmuring, gasping]

Bun nom.

MAX: [nervously] Okay, everybody dance.

DRUMMER: 1, 2, 3...

[rock music playing]

Whoo!

♪ Everybody dance!

♪ Mother and your sister, dance ♪

What should I do?

When should I tell her?

Do I tell her now, or do I wait?

Maybe I shouldn't tell her at all.

We were just so drunk. It was just one big accident.

Oh, my God, I am gonna get a rash, I know it.

I feel like my heart's being sucked out.

I have to tell her.

We have never lied to each other.

We've always been completely truthful.

I think, I mean, I know, I mean...

I know that she'll forgive me with this...

with Bobby, you know?

She'll never forgive me for lying.

You have to tell her.

And just tell her that I told you to tell her.

I need a drink.

- I'll see you in a bit. - Okay.

Vodka tonic with lime, please.

I got her.

"I got her"?

Well, I meant-- No, I meant--

- No, you said, "I got her." - I know, I know.

I just meant your drink. Don't misunderstand me.

- I meant your drink. - Okay. That's very kind of you, but, uh...

it's an open bar.

But, uh, you can leave my tip.

Okay.

I do not let them leave the room until I have had my orgasm.

Selfish bastards.

I hate to say this, but could you tell me, is it true

that you have multi-orgasms?

- Sure, I do it. - Really?

Where did you hear that?

Well, it's talk.

Oh, yeah, I've had multiple orgasms.

What's it like?

Well, it's sort of like sneezing eight times in a row

and then eating a truffle.

You mean like a release?

Yeah. Haven't you ever had an orgasm?

I think I had one when I was 37 years old.

I was in the Catskills with Murray.

Three o'clock in the morning, all of a sudden, my body goes...

I have a tremor in my body, I think I'm having a stroke.

My God. Were you having sex at the time?

I don't recall the specifics, I don't remember, I blocked it out.

All I know is I was scared to death.

I thought I had epilepsy.

So this is an open bar?

Yeah, I thought you were a big tipper.

Man.

You wouldn't happen to have any Al Green...

would you?

Uh, no, not on me.

Well, I'll have, um, tequila.

That I have.

Hey, hey, hey, he's gotta make drinks with those, you know.

I'm really hungry.

No, no, no.

Not for you, this is for me.

Oh, you don't mind if I leave these here?

I just started a new hair salon.

- Well, did it feel good? - Like an electric shock.

That was an orgasm. You had an orgasm.

- Yeah? - As well you should.

- I should. - Goddamn men always have orgasms.

- Always. Always. - Constantly with the orgasms. Didn't Murray always have one?

- Yeah, even have to wake him up when he's having one. - But he had one.

- He has them all the time. - And so should you. Go claim your orgasm.

It's so late now, I don't even know how anymore.

Mm. It's easy, it's like riding a bike.

In fact, I've had an orgasm riding a bike.

I should go jump on a Lifecycle?

What the hell, why not?

- Multis? - Well, if you turn it up really fast.

What is this? I didn't order this.

Finally, something edible.

You eat it, I'm on a diet.

Again? What are we, at a round-up?

That ladle is like for chili.

Ma, would you lay off, already? Stop complaining.

What? What did he say, "taking a break"?

That's what it sounded like.

- Again with the break? - Ma, it's his first break.

Besides, who wants to hear loud music while they're eating?

Especially this music.

Oy vey, it's zeit gezunt!

What-- What?

I see the surf, I don't see the turf.

I told him surf and turf.

Hold this.

- [dinnerware rattles] - Whose wedding is this anyway?

Are you kidding? It's a beautiful wedding.

And it's your wedding, Frances. Absolutely lovely.

- Who...? - O'Rdeal, O'Rdeal, O'Rdeal.

- Sorry. - [scoffs]

What the hell is her name?

- Lisa. - Lisa, Lisa.

I should have known that.

Hey, listen, the contribution that you gave to the church,

that limousine is so beautiful, Carmine.

The only problem is, every time I go over 50 miles an hour,

the bullet holes whistle.

[whistles]

At least people know you're coming.

I hope not.

For later.

Ohh!

[laughing] Father!

Father, I just gotta take a few more pictures, and then I'm outta here.

- Absolutely. - Just a couple more.

So at the benediction, give me a big... like that.

- Hold still, hold still. You got string beans everywhere. - What do you got?

- Oh, jeez. - Aim for your mouth next time.

- Okay. Okay. - Okay. You got it?

- Yeah. - What did you wanna ask me?

Yeah, I just wanna know, is a picture a form of immortalization?

If I get a picture of you, it's gonna last longer than you are.

So, if I get a picture, is that like immortalized in theological circles?

- Are you seriously asking me that at a wedding? - Yeah.

- I've been up all night. - Oh, yeah.

Well, here. This is to remember me by.

Just remember, you're a pain in the ass.

You're a pain in the ass in the biggest way.

I said surf and turf, surf and turf.

Not only on the original application

but on the 17,000 gazillion meetings we had.

Nat. Nat!

- Hi. - How are you?

We are going to do a song for Lisa and Bobby.

It's called "Angel of the Morning." Do you know it?

It goes something like this.

- ♪ Just call me angel... - Okay.

- Now, these are the things that we will need. - Too low.

- We will need three reverb units... - ♪ Just call me angel

- Not too bright. - ♪ Of the morning...

- Three compressors. - ♪ Just touch my cheek...

Not too squashy.

And three U87 vocal microphones with pop shields.

- ♪ Just call me angel - So... when?

Okay, we'll do it later. After dinner, first song.

- Good. - Good.

Hey, Hebber.

Let me sit in with your orchestra for a while.

Uh, yeah, maybe later, man.

Maybe later. Just come on back up.

You know, rock... rock out, man.

- Let me sit in with your orchestra. - Later.

I'm yeast intolerant. Everything here is yeast.

What about the salt?

Salt's making my fingers look like sausages.

- Viennas. - Vienna sausages?

You think the rings... the rings won't come off?

I went to Weight Watchers. You know what happened?

I didn't go to the meetings, I gained three pounds.

- Oh, God. - 'Cause you gotta go to the meetings.

That's why I can't get in this dress, I can't breathe.

- You don't look fat. - I look fat.

- You don't look fat. - You look great. - I can't stand it.

- I got this. - The chin, it's the chin.

- I wanna get lipo on the chin. - I don't feel sexual like this.

[clicks tongue] If it isn't Mr. On-time.

MAX: You look so beautiful.

- Thanks, Max. - Oh, my God.

- Thank you. - Ooh!

Whoa!

So nice to see you.

- Wow! - Good to see you too.

- Wow. - Especially fun watching you announce dead people.

- Good move. - I'm getting good at that, huh?

- Yeah. - I think I should put out a record.

"Greatest Dead People Announcements."

[laughing]

Get a lot of them, anyway.

So, uh...

You still like me? You still like me?

- I guess so. - I guess. Whatever, whatever.

Used to like me a lot.

- [giggles] - Do you know we never broke up?

That's so funny, I was thinking about this the other day.

Actually, this morning, when I got up, I was driving over here, I was thinking,

we never-- like we never officially broke up.

- Max-- - Which means that this marriage really isn't real.

Max, it's real-- Hold on a second, okay? It's real.

What did you come over here to tell me this stuff for, okay?

I thought you came over here to tell me good luck.

- So wish me luck, say, "Good luck." - Good luck!

Okay, good, I'm officially breaking up with you now, it's over.

- You can't do that! Lis-- - Shh!

There are people listening.

Listen, listen, listen.

You can't break up with someone when you're married to somebody else,

especially when the someone you didn't break up with was not broken up with you

when you went ahead and got married to somebody else.

- [groans] - First you break up, then you get married.

Max, I'm in love and not with you, okay?

You know what I think?

I th-think you are in love, you are in love.

But you're in love with the idea of being married.

So...

Yes, so you're in love with Michael When.

- You married When. - What?

- This guy Steve, I'm sure-- - His name is Bobby, okay?

I'm sure he's a great guy 'cause he's with you.

He's very lucky to be with you.

But... you had this space.

You got to this place and time, and you went, "Oh!

I should be married, and I'm not married."

So Todd filled that space.

His fucking name is Bobby.

Yeah, him too.

So you married Bobby as When.

You married When, you didn't marry Who.

You married When.

Oh, Max!

- There she is! - [giggles]

Hey, Bobby!

- What's up? - How you doing? How's it going?

- Max Tune, Bobby Benigni. Bobby Benigni... - Hey, nice to meet you.

I was wondering, you know, when I was gonna finally meet you.

I guess when is now.

Well, it's, uh... it's really nice to meet you...

- Yeah. - Max the Tune.

And thanks for playing here, and you guys sound really good.

Thanks, thanks. Hey, congratulations.

Thanks.

[glasses rattling]

I think you guys are missing a cue.

Yeah, this is our cue, honey. Our cue.

[mouthing words]

Get in here.

[giggles] Just kiss me.

[camera shutter clicking]

- [whispering] - This fish is not...

- It's disgusting. - ...it's not from today.

- I can't eat it. - This fish is not from today.

Look at them eating the food over there.

- How about this little twig? - Why would they eat the food?

- Does she eat? - She doesn't eat. She throws it all up.

- I know. - She sticks a finger down her throat.

- She does, she sticks a finger down... - She does not.

Yes, she does, she sticks her finger down her throat.

They're talking about us, I can tell.

- No, they're not. - Yes, they are.

What a moon on her.

Mink!

Looks like the Holland Tunnel and the Lincoln Tunnel.

- Huh? - I can't stand that fuckin' guy.

[softly] Fuck you, fuck you.

I look like a sausage.

Just such a fucking bitch, that one over there.

- You are not fat. - I am fat.

- I am so bloated, I could scream. - I'm fat.

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3. Can you all hear me?

My name is Rabbi Manny Shevetz,

and I am very pleased that you invited me

to be with you today,

and I've prepared a few words for this important occasion.

Today we celebrate life,

a very sacred part of life.

I remember when I used to walk down

my old neighborhood in Brooklyn.

That was before the Dodgers went to Los Angeles,

which was the worst thing, the worst thing that ever happened,

and I don't know why we let them do that.

I mean, nowadays there is no pride.

You don't know who owns what team,

you don't know who's playing for what.

Today they're here one day and they're gone the next day.

It's a terrible thing.

I remember when the Dodgers played the Yankees,

and you bought a ticket, that ticket was good for ten years.

Now we go to the stadium and you look out on the field

and you see the Red Sox, you see the Orioles,

you see the Cleveland Indians,

you see everything,

but you don't see the Yankees versus the Red Sox.

Okay, I'm getting a little bit off the track here.

But let me not take any more of your time.

Just one quick thought.

Oh, by the way, that free agency,

free agency crap, that really gets me.

That's $2 million here. They spend $12 million there.

What's so free about that free agency?

I... I can't take that anymore.

Okay, let me just make my point here,

and that is...

all in all, it's not so bad.

When it's good, it's good.

If it doesn't feel right, just say no.

There's always tomorrow.

There's always tomorrow.

It could be worse.

Now let's just thank God

you have your arms, you have your legs.

Let's eat!

[guests] L'chaim!

- [Italian accent] Hello. - Hello.

I would like, how do you say, vino?

- We say wine. - Yes.

And for you I've got a really good bottle.

Just fine, thank you.

So, where are you from, Staten Island, Brooklyn?

No. No, no, no, no. I'm from Italy.

- Italy, oh, I'm Italian. - Really?

- Sì. - Where from?

Well, not-- I'm not from Italy, okay?

But you said you're Italian.

I'm Italian, and my mother and father are Italian.

They came over from Bari, sì, but I was born here.

- So, but I'm Italian, okay? - Capisco.

- My name's Vic DeMann. - Ah! Florida.

- [speaking rapid Italian] - I'm Italian.

Sì. Si.

Sì.

[man speaking Italian]

Sì, si.

Uh, you got a problem?

I don't have no problem, no. I'm having a good time.

Oh, yeah. Guys got a problem? No, I don't got no problem.

We're all Italian here. Right?

Yeah. What'd you think we were, a bunch of hamsters?

No, I'm Italian. You guys are Italian, huh?

Hey, you know, I can get you guys some great Knicks tickets if you want sometime.

Can I buy you a drink?

- That's my niece. - Yeah.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah. Well, I was just talking to her.

- You have a nice day, okay? - Okay.

- Yeah, come on, let's walk outside. - Enjoy yourself.

- And stay away from her, okay? - Have a soda, right?

- No, well, I'm here at the bar. - Take your drink.

- It's all right. - I'll finish my drink here.

- It's all right. - I'm okay, I'm...

I'm Italian just like you guys are.

- Yeah. - Have a nice day. Remember what I told ya.

- Don't forget it. - Put some ice in there.

Another time, okay?

I just should have changed my name--

- Sorry. - That's all right.

Then we wouldn't have to sit at the same table.

- Thank you, sorry. - Well, why didn't you change your last name?

Who do you think you are, Bianca Jagger?

Mm-hmm. That would make you Mick.

I didn't change my last name because I started Radzinski Design,

which kept you in Jack Daniels for three years, eight months, and 27 days.

- Got her own business. - You didn't complain about Jack Daniels back then.

You used to love my blues.

On the stage, not in the bedroom,

in the living room, at the dry cleaner,

at the grocery store, at my parents' house.

- WOMAN: It's depressing. - Bianca, Bianca, don't play that with me.

The blues is the total package, the whole man, the whole life.

♪ Baby, baby, baby

I don't have to listen to this shit anymore, I divorced you.

Oh, shit. Padre, it's like I always say,

men plus women equals alcoholism and mental illness!

So, uh...

did you ever get laid in Italy?

Well... not yet, but...

Actually, I've never been to Italy, but if I go,

I'll get laid.

I'll get laid there.

Come on, for old time's sake.

♪ Baby, baby, baby

♪ Baby, baby, baby

♪ I used to love you all night long ♪

♪ I used to love you tho' it's wrong ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby

- [snaps fingers] - ♪ Baby...

♪ I love you like a real man should ♪

♪ I love you, ooh, it's good

♪ Baby, baby, baby

- Ha-ha! - ♪ Baby, baby, baby

♪ I'll love you all night long ♪

- ♪ I used to love you but... - I have never liked that.

♪ It's wrong Or something like that.

Ha ha!

♪ Baby, baby, baby

♪ I love...

Innkeeper!

More wine! [banging table]

MAN: ♪ Baby, baby, baby

- I'm gonna eat over there. You don't mind, do you? - Thanks, Padre.

Come on, Boner, it's time to do the toast.

Shh! Yo!

Come on, get up and do the fuckin' toast.

[clears throat]

I wanna thank youse all for coming here today.

This day is very special.

For because my best friend Bobby is married, is getting married.

He's, uh... he's married today.

And, uh, well, he married Lisa.

Both married, uh...

for a while now.

I mean, uh, to be.

[whispering] "I'd like to wish them both..."

And I'd like to wish them both...

"...a very happy..."

...a very happy...

"...and healthy..."

...and healthy...

"...marriage."

...marriage.

- [subdued cheers and applause] - Salute.

- Salute! - Salute!

[sighs]

[glass tinkles]

No, no, Irving, you. You.

You.

IRVING: My little princess.

My bubbeshay and kinder maidelah.

Daddy can't believe you grew up so fast.

Your mother and I are so very proud of you.

To the mystery of life.

But we'll leave a key under the doormat anyway.

[laughter]

L'chaim!

[guests] L'chaim.

I'd like to thank everybody for being here at my son's wedding.

And I'd like to say something in regard to that

nice little speech, I hope.

In my time, people got married, it was for love.

Today it's like, "Hey, I got a nice guy you can meet,"

and the girl says, "Yeah? How much money has he got?"

[laughter]

To my son,

I would like him to be a true family man.

I would like him to have children

and to be happy, and to raise his children with respect.

I worry about my son

because I feel like he takes after his father.

'Cause his father likes to fuck anything that's walking.

- [guests murmuring] - Did he just say that...?

I mean, if I see two roaches fucking, I wanna fuck.

Bobby, what the hell is the matter with him?

If I see two flies on the wall and they're having fun, hey, I get jealous,

I wanna get right in there, and I worry about my son that he has that blood in him

and he doesn't try hard enough to stop it from taking over.

So I'd like to say to my son and to his bride,

I wish you everything in the world,

I wish you the best.

Remember, respect each other.

Don't be like me.

Chindon, and to family. God bless youse.

[scattered applause]

I wanna thank everybody for coming here tonight.

I want youse all to know that.

I'm not very good at making speeches.

I mean, the last time I made a speech like this

was when I was in a grand jury.

I mean, I beat the case, but I don't wanna talk about it.

And, uh-- Hey, you, chubby.

No, not you, not you.

Why don't you give that thing a break,

shut that camcorder off for a while?

Sorry.

Um...

So, Bobby, Lisa... I'm here for you.

That's why they call me the Godfather.

So, uh, if there's anything I can do to help the marriage,

you know, you got any problems, forget 911.

You call me, call the Godfather.

I love youse all and let's all of us party.

That's what we're here for, you know what I mean?

Jews and the Italians, we get along.

The Jews make it, the Italians take it.

Come on, let's get down over here.

- [applause] - Come on, let's have a party.

Salute! L'chaim, however you say it.

You know what I mean?

Come on, everybody, please, can I have your attention, please?

Please, can I have your attention, everyone?

Please, could you stop eating for a second, give your attention?

- [cheering continues] - Come on, everybody, please.

Come on, stop, there's a wedding over here. Can't you wait till later?

Hey, please, they kissed already.

All right. Oh...

Everybody, please, can I just have your attention one minute here?

All right, now, first, I know this is a beautiful wedding,

and, Lisa, you're a beautiful bride,

and, Bobby, you're the luckiest guy in the world.

Just take care of her, okay?

Okay? God bless youse.

But there's one thing I gotta tell youse all right now, okay?

'Cause it's something that's eating away at me for a long time, okay?

My name is Anthony Toscano, okay?

- MAN: Jesus. - Toscano.

Some of you know maybe Anthony T.

T, as in Toscano, you know?

I went to college, I worked hard.

I got myself right through college.

I got a good job, a regular job. I never went to jail.

- [blows raspberry] - Okay? But yet, still,

some of you, you don't understand

that there's an Anthony Cappelli you call Anthony C.

That's not me, that's somebody else, okay?

I didn't do no robberies.

I didn't get caught, I didn't get banged out, nothing.

- [jeering] - Okay? I got a regular job.

You understand that everybody-- Hey, respect.

Now, just to straighten out one more time,

I'm gonna show you someth-- Come here, C.

- This is Anthony Cappelli. You see this mug over here? - [jeering]

This is Cappelli, okay?

This is T., Toscano.

Okay, college education, I didn't rob no banks, no problem.

You see, no child abuse or nothing.

This is Cappelli over here.

Now, please don't ever do this again 'cause you give me angina.

Okay? Thank you very much. God bless you all.

- [scattered applause, whooping] - Yo. Hold on a minute here.

Stop.

I just wanna say this about that.

Ain't that the beauty of life?

I mean, come on.

I ain't you, and you definitely ain't me.

T'ank God.

[tango playing]

He's looking good.

Who?

Max.

Diane, what are you trying to tell me?

[Diane screams]

Nothing, nothing.

I just miss having him around.

Smile.

[tango continues]

For a minute there, I thought you were sitting upside down.

[tango continues]

I can't believe it.

I mean, I've been alone a long time.

But, I mean, ever since I met you,

I mean, we can talk,

I could tell you everything about my whole life.

It's like I'm talking to my best friend.

I mean, you mean so much to me.

I mean, I know we've only known each other for a very short time,

but I'll tell ya, I feel like we've known each other forever.

I wanna die in your arms.

[chuckles]

That one works like a charm.

- Get outta here! - I swear.

They think you're sensitive, and then bing-bang-boom.

You're in, you're out. They don't know what hit 'em.

I sing. I know I sing well. I get guys when I sing.

- You get guys? - Always.

The kind of guys that you wanna get...

I can only imagine.

Musicians, singers.

Acch! Acch! Acch!

- Disgusting pigs. - Filthy.

- Pooh! Like pigs. - I hate them. Filth.

- And what about the businessmen? - Businessmen?

- Fact, fact. - Here's one that I got-- They're pigs.

I got this from a businessman one time.

- [snorting] - "How can it be that I have one heart for her

and one heart for you?

Is it possible?"

- No, it's not possible, ya pig! - Hello.

You guys are lame.

The challenge here is,

to have more than one babe at the same team.

It's like this...

you got two hearts:

one for her and one for you.

What's the matter with you? You're a family man, man.

No, the challenge is not to get caught.

What about this?

[Brooklyn accent] "I feel like a kid in a candy store, huh!

Oh, yeah!" [chuckles]

Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something.

The goods from this candy store do not come cheap, you fuck.

- Oh, yeah, baby. - That's right, you fuck.

You want some goods, I got your goods right over here, huh?

You got a sweet tooth, huh? You want a little candy?

- Yeah! - Come on, baby!

- You are special! - Get over here.

[overlapping come-on lines]

- Come and get it! - How much money you want?

- You're special! - Where you been all my life?

- Money, money... - I've been lookin' all over for ya.

We could go back to the gold system

because it was so hard to counterfeit, you know.

- Yeah. - I mean, look at this stuff we got today.

It's paper money.

It's fairly easy to duplicate this stuff.

- Yeah. - And before you know it,

we're gonna be two-legged debit cards running around

- on an electronic reservation... - Sure, sure.

...leaving a trail wherever we are.

Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt,

but I couldn't help but overhear what you were talking about,

when you were talking about money.

People are always talking about money,

but they're always talking about the color of money.

Hello? What about the smell of money?

Have you ever smelled a dollar bill?

Do you know what it smells like?

It's the smell of America.

It's the smell of capitalism.

A sweat of... of success, of failure.

Oh, there's nothing like it.

You know, women like men with money.

But not for the reason you think.

It's for the smell.

Right now, I can predict how much money each of you have in your pocket

just by smelling you.

I got into this whole smell thing

because of my boyfriend.

He was a bartender.

Much like that guy over there.

So much money would pass through his hands.

By the end of the night...

[sniffs]

...it smelled as if he worked in a bank.

[sniffs] Oh, my God, I could smell his hand for hours.

And then I'd go home, and he would just...

he would just rub his hands all over me,

and I could smell it,

and he would rub it,

and then, and then by the end of the night,

I would smell like a fat roll of $100 bills.

And he had great-smelling farts.

I don't know, I don't smell anything. Do you smell anything?

- [women chatting, laughing] - LISA: Hurry up! Hurry up!

[all shouting]

No, wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Ugggh! - Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- WOMAN 1: Oh, my God. - WOMAN 2: Help her.

- [urinating] - WOMAN 3: Got it?

WOMAN 4: Do you want us to get out so you can pee?

Yeah, listen, what I do is, I come in, I take the pictures,

I get everything, and then... [clicks tongue] ...I'm out.

I mean, I'm just looking for some interaction,

social interaction,

and I don't understand

why, when I say something,

it comes out wrong or something, nobody understands it, you know.

It's... Do you know what I mean at all?

I mean, it's... it's like, I say something and people--

I don't wanna give people bullshit.

I don't like giving women bullshit, but...

but it just seems to come out that way.

[laughing]

Hey, you know that loser at the bar, Vic DeMann?

- Yeah. - He's actually married I heard, with kids.

- Why does that not surprise me? - He disgusts me.

I mean, come on, he tried to hit on me on my own freakin' wedding day.

- No, did he? - Yes!

- Oh, my God, please. - He hit on me.

I'm gonna just have to kick his ass, you know?

- Go get him, sister. - I'm sick of it.

- [laughs] - It's only about tits and asses,

that's all that matters, you should know that by now.

Yeah, but I gotta admit, you know what?

- Bobby does like it when I hoist these girls up a bit. - The girls?

Let me tell you a little story.

It takes place in Stowe, Vermont,

where I almost played my first wedding.

I was standing in the back of the tent,

with my drummer.

It was a beautiful day. Blue skies, green mountains.

You know, it's the place where they shot "Sound of Music."

And the bride and the groom

were taking their vows in front of like 400 people.

Looked like nothing really could go wrong.

It was perfect, it was a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful day.

Suddenly the bride stopped.

She turned around and she said, "Before I go any further,

I'd like to thank my parents

for teaching me about unconditional love.

I also want to think my fiancé's parents

for teaching me about honesty.

But if this schmuck thinks I'm gonna spend

the rest of my life with him, he's got another thing coming."

Now, everybody in the room went, "Oooh."

These things don't happen, but this did.

Without missing a beat,

my drummer leaned into me and said,

"Hey, man, are we getting paid or what?"

Later on, I spoke to one of the bridesmaids.

She said the night before,

the maid of honor and the groom...

you know, did a little thing.

[sighs] Well, the morning of the wedding,

the maid-of-honor went to the bride's door at the inn where she was staying

and she knocked on the door and she said,

"Listen, you can do whatever you want.

You can marry this guy, you can break--

whatever you wanna do, but you need to know what happened last night."

- Oh, my, I can't believe she told her! - Forget about telling her.

- I can't believe she did that. That's where it got screwed up. - What a slut.

Big-time. Big-time slut.

- Slut? - That would be a great story to sell for a talk show.

- You should call Ricki Lake. - Don't waste it on a stupid talk show.

- It's totally Woody Allen. - No, that would never happen.

Take it from me, I walked down the aisle today,

and I couldn't have done it unless I really, really felt safe, you know?

I mean, if there was one iota of a doubt,

I couldn't have done it, that wouldn't happen.

I'm a professional when it comes to shooting. Please!

- Take it. - God!

I always get to do the stupid things.

"Get that, go here, go there!"

I never get to use the camera, never once.

- God dang. - Okay, I--

You mind, for a change?

- Ah... - Listen, Roberto.

Something's eating you, I understand.

If it means so much to you, take it, do some shots.

Which way you do it? This way, right? Like this?

Like that?

- Yeah. - Listen, I got great ideas.

You watch me, you'll learn something. Watch this.

[Latin dance music playing]

Ooh.

Wow!

Mamma mia.

What's the matter, you don't like the band?

No, nothing wrong with that.

It's nice he did her a favor, it's very nice.

I'm just saying, of all the musical possibilities available on this day...

Besides, look at the dance floor.

What are you just saying?

Nobody's dancing, is what I'm just saying.

That's because they're eating.

Tell me something, since when do you defend Max Tune?

- I'm not defending Max Tune. - You just did.

I had a connection with Buster Poindexter.

You know Buster Poindexter?

You know... ♪ Make it hot, hot, hot

- Yeah, he plays that. - Yeah!

- My little kreplach. - Hi, Daddy.

- WOMAN 1: His beautiful darling. - WOMAN 2: His beautiful girl.

- WOMAN 1: Beautiful. - Eh, it's the makeup and the lighting, you know that.

I'm a bride, I'm bound to look beautiful.

So, everything okay?

Yeah, I guess so.

"Yeah, I guess so"?

On your wedding day, I hear, "Yeah, I guess so"?

Okay.

The last time I saw that look...

is when they didn't make you captain of the cheerleading squad.

I don't know, I can't explain it.

- I also know Bobby Short. - Oh, get outta here.

Well, I know someone who knows Bobby Short.

You could have had Bobby Short here singing.

- And you know what else? - What else?

I know someone who knows Charles Aznavour.

- Oh, my God, I love Charles Aznavour. - A personal friend.

You could have had Charles Aznavour here playing piano, cocktail piano.

Beautiful dinner, cocktail piano.

Charles plays beautiful.

But I want you to embrace this moment, bask in it.

I mean, a night like this

only happens once in a lifetime.

From my mouth to God's ears.

[laughs]

So let's live it!

Bobby's okay?

Oh, yeah, Bobby's fine.

And, you know, this is a great party

and it's the happiest day of my life.

[rubbing hands]

So, uh, when are you gonna get married, huh?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm smart. None of that stuff.

As a matter of fact, you know,

the main reasons I'm not getting married, or haven't gotten married yet,

is because I haven't found somebody who really passed the cum test.

The what?

Cum test.

What the hell is that?

You've never heard of the cum test?

Yeah. No, I haven't.

Bobby, the cum test, the cum test...

[whispering] Shh! Don't tell anybody, okay?

[inhales sharply, clears throat]

When you meet a girl and you like her...

before you go any further--

'cause it's about an investment of time

and time is precious, isn't it?

- Yeah. - That's right.

So, look at her face, close your eyes...

imagine an orgasm as best you can.

Open your eyes.

Look at her again.

If you can stand looking at her, she passes the cum test.

This works for women too, but it takes a little longer.

- You gotta be kidding. - No. No, no, works every time.

["Blue Danube Waltz" playing]

Was there another step?

No, well, if you really-- I mean, if it works,

she passes the cum test, this is a part two.

The part two is,

let's say you've been going out for three, four months.

- Yeah? - You miss her -- a couple of days you haven't seen her.

You're getting a little worried, a little insecure.

You think you're gonna call her up and ask her out.

Before you call her, jerk off.

- [blows raspberry] - After you jerk off,

if you still wanna call her, she passes.

Part two, the cum test.

All right, what's part three?

You don't need it, that's basically it.

No, come on, what's part three?

You don't need it, one and two and that's it.

After that, part three, you already earned part three.

You got married but you didn't do the cum test, and...

I don't know, Bobby.

- [sighs] - Hey.

Thanks a lot, man. I'd say you're doing a really good job, man.

- No problem. No problem. - Thanks.

[waltz continues]

Oh.

Howard. Good luck.

Good seeing you.

[waltz ends]

Jerk off? Disgraziana.

[laughing]

[waltz resumes]

[guttural sigh]

What?

- What? - Shh!

[waltz growing louder]

Grazie, Dio.

Where is that bastard?

Where is that little putz, huh?

He's not playing the hora.

What are we paying him for?

For to take breaks, when he should be playing the hora?

When I get my hands on that bastard, he's gonna regret the day--

- There he is! There he is! - Ooh, go get him.

Go get him.

Excuse us, excuse us.

- Hey. - Do you know what a hora is?

- Where have you been? - Where is the hora?

- Listen to me, you little bastie. - I play hora.

- You play the fucking hora? - He's gonna play it now.

Or else you're gonna be begging me for mercy.

- [women shouting] - Play the hora. - Play it now, now!

- WOMAN: Everybody, the hora. - [guests murmuring]

MAX: Let's play the hora, guys. We gotta play hora.

D-minor, D-minor.

[Max playing hora]

[drums and horn joining in]

- ♪ Hava nagila - Yoo-hoo!

♪ Hava nagila

♪ Hava nagila

♪ Venis mecha

♪ Hava nagila

♪ Hava nagila

♪ Hava nagila

♪ Venis mecha...

[cheering]

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, yo, let's do it.

Let's do it now, come on. I gotta piss.

♪ Hava nagila

♪ Hava nagila

♪ Hava nagila...

[music fading]

[cheering and applause]

[guest] You're beautiful there!

[laughter and rhythmic clapping]

We're gonna stretch this one out.

- Want to do the solo? Can you do a solo? - Yeah.

- You got one? - Yeah.

Okay. Do it, do it!

[drowning out melody]

What the hell is going on?

[guests shouting, jeering]

MAN: I can't believe this guy!

- What is that? - What are you, six?

Ma!

[slows tempo]

[shouting continues]

Get the fuck out of here! Go! Get the fuck out of here!

- MAN: Looks like a whore! - [shouting]

What do you want, trouble?

I'll break those drums over your head.

- We need our drummer! - The hora!

- MAN: Go play the hora! - WOMAN: Hora!

WOMAN: Max!

[Max playing hora]

- WOMAN 1: Thank you. - WOMAN 2: That's it.

That's much better.

MAN: Okay, Max!

Here, let's go.

Come.

[rhythmic clapping]

Right? Here we go, here we go.

- [tempo increasing] - ♪ Hey!

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...

[final chord plays]

MAX: Thank you. We're gonna take a short break, we'll be right back.

How did you like the band?

But who hired the wedding band?

It's a band of goyim.

They played the "Hava Nagila" and they played the wrong notes.

Why don't you join one of those, uh...

- Figured you could help me. - I'm helping you.

- Okay. - You know, where you go to those computers

and you talk into the computer and say,

"I like fishing, I like hunting, I like, uh, music,

I like, uh..."

Tell 'em what you like and then you give them some money

and then they hook you up with the--

- That's how you do it. - I tried that before.

- You know. - It's a computer world.

Vic DeMann is not a common man, you know?

- Your name is Vic DeMann? - Sì.

- That's your problem. - And you know--

What, I should change my name, you think?

- Well... - What would you suggest?

Horny Bastard.

Excuse us, excuse us.

Move!

- Hey! - It's time to do the song!

- MAX: What song? - This song.

- Come on. Come on. - Get off the stage!

- Move it. - Get off! Get off!

WOMAN: All right.

Excuse me, I'm sorry, Lisa.

Oh! I mean, Mrs. Benigni.

You got that right.

Bobby's got a, uh, date at the bar.

Tequila.

[clapping rhythmically, humming "Tequila"]

Go on, go ahead. Go ahead, go.

Go, go ahead.

Go!

- [Boner snapping fingers] - Oy!

[playing "Just Call Me Angel of the Morning"]

Drum!

Drum!

♪ There'll be no strings to bind your hands ♪

♪ Not if my love can't bind

♪ Your heartttt

- Drum! - [drum tattoos]

♪ And there's no need to take a stand ♪

♪ For it is I who chose to start ♪

♪ I see no need to take me

♪ Home

♪ I'm old enough

♪ To face the dawn

♪ Just call me angel

♪ Of the morning

♪ Angel

♪ Just touch my cheek

♪ Before you leave me

♪ Baby

[off-key] ♪ Just call me angel

♪ Of the morning

♪ Angel

♪ Then slowly walk away

[cymbals shaking]

♪ I won't beg you to stay

♪ With me

♪ Ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee

[shouting and applause]

- Thank you. Thank you. - [guests whistling]

Mazel tov.

- Mazel tov! - L'chaim.

MAN: God bless ya! God bless ya!

Where are you taking me?

Look how beautiful it is!

This is pretty obscene.

No, no, no, no, look at the light.

It's magic, magic light.

[laughs] It is pretty amazing.

Isn't that amazing? I could never get tired of that.

You don't think if you saw it all the time, you'd take it for granted?

No, not at all.

Look at this guy. Is he circumcised?

[laughs]

One thing for sure, he's been drinking a lot.

It's pretty windy up here, huh?

[clarinet solo playing]

Max, why did you take me out here?

Were you nervous last night?

- Nah. - Did you get some sleep?

Yeah, I slept fine.

What about, what's his name, Frank?

Bobby. Bobby had his little bachelor thingie with the boys.

Yeah, no, I heard. I heard it was really wild.

Yeah, he told me all about it.

He did?

Yeah. He tells me everything.

[clarinet solo continues]

Max, I have a reception to be at right now.

What...

[laughs]

Lisa Weinstein.

Benigni.

Lisa.

Will you marry me?

Max, come on.

- You're a little too late. - Oh, I wish I had a cup. I need a cup.

- A cup? What...? - MUSICIAN: Take this.

- What are you gonna get-- - A cup, a cup.

A cup?

[singing operatic aria]

Mazel tov!

Mazel tov!

No, I can't do this.

MAX: Lisa.

Come, come, come.

Come.

[speaking Italian]

[in Italian]

[clarinet playing]

Oh, I'm so sorry!

I'm sorry?

Diane, I need to talk to you.

It's Max, he's gonna drive me nuts.

Oh, God, he's already driving me nuts.

[Diane retching]

What was I thinking? I mean, what was I thinking in inviting him to my wedding?

What was I trying to prove to myself?

[retching]

I guess I just wanted closure, you know?

I thought, I'll be the bigger person

and do this thing, you know?

[retching]

But that didn't work, I guess.

- [Diane coughs] - So now what?

Yeah.

They're not even a real wedding band.

- Hey, guys. - Dude, what's up, man?

My name's Danny "Deal" Cole from R&R Records.

I'd like to make a deal.

Oh, yeah, well, I heard this before.

- What kind of deal you talking about? - A record deal.

I want to get you out of this wedding band scene.

- Yeah, well, you got any money on you? - I have lots of money.

What I heard and saw today, I'm really impressed.

You guys are my next stars.

Yeah, look, well, I'm great, man.

You gotta put the money where the great is.

I got all the connections, I got the money.

I know you got the money, so you gotta put the money where the great is.

I don't think you heard me. I'm great.

- Put the money where the great is. - Wait, stop!

[rep] You think you can yell at me like that?

You're in a motherfucking wedding band!

- Let's get outta here. - Come here.

- Who are you? - Father O'Rdeal.

- Oh, so pleased to meet you. - The pleasure's all mine.

Oh, all mine too. Oh, um...

- [utensil clinks] - Oh! You keep on missing.

- [chuckles] - Well, you won't miss with this.

- I can't drink, I have mass. - Oh, yes, you can.

- Just a little. - I have mass.

Drink from my cup and it will enlighten you.

- I'll just have a sip. - A sip, a sip.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Well, I usually don't, but since you insist.

I'm so stupid!

I am so stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

- [scoffs] - All right.

L'chaim.

Whatever.

Ooh, my...

- [giggles] - [Father chuckles]

So, was it at least worth it?

I mean, did you have a good time with the guy?

I don't know.

Oh, what should I do?

I think you should tell her.

I think you should march yourself in there

and you should just tell her in front of God and every one.

I'll help you.

I just want her to know what she's getting into.

Okay.

I can do the guitar accompaniment.

And if I had a bongo,

then I could really sort of do the downbeats

when you say, "I fucked your husband."

Like that, I think it'll just work better.

Chindon.

Ahh... Come into my garden.

I hope all your vegetables are firm and healthy.

Ah, yes, and eat my abundant fruit.

WOMAN: Hey, Heebie Jeebie.

It's Hebber Stebber.

You're supposed to be a dance band, right?

Well, people wanna dance. Why don't you play a dance song?

- Yeah. - Let's rock out, all right.

- Yeah, do you know the electric slide? - Uh, no.

- No? What about the macarena? - Macarena!

- Yeah, macarena! - Yeah, it's some kind of fish.

No, we do, La Cahuenga.

- La Cahuenga? - Yeah, what is that?

Uh, it's a new dance craze that we've started on our own.

Oh, super.

- It is super. - Lovely.

[horn solo playing]

♪ La Cahuenga!

♪ La Cahuenga!

- Whooo! - [cheering]

♪ La Cahuenga!

Marriage, marriage is a beautiful thing, you know?

Well, I mean, I've never really been married, you know,

but, uh... but I'm hoping to someday, but...

I just haven't found the right girl yet, you know.

Vic DeMann, he's not a common kind of guy, you know?

It takes a special woman, you know, to...

for--for me to be, you know.

No, I haven't gotten married yet,

but I do know what men want in a woman, you know.

Men want a woman who's a lady in public

but a whore in bed.

That's what men want.

The thing is, I know what men want, but...

now I gotta find out what the fuck women want.

[slow jazz playing]

Say, you're kind of cute. Can I buy you a drink?

[chuckles] It's a free country.

I'm all set, though.

Bartender, martini, please. Rocks. Very cold.

So, uh...

ever hear of the movie "Quiz Show"?

No, I haven't.

I wrote that movie-- Well, I didn't write it.

It was my idea for the movie, though, you know.

But I gave it away 'cause... that's the kind of guy I am.

- I... - Thank you.

I'm a very generous kind of guy, you know.

- Really? - Yeah.

That's funny, 'cause, uh,

I'm in a lawsuit about that very same thing right now.

- Really? - Yeah.

I used to date this comedian, and...

you know, after a while, I told him this idea

about a show I had in mind,

and then, uh, broke up with him

and three years later, he's famous.

Seinfeld.

Sein-- Jerry Seinfeld? Jerry Seinfeld?

- Yeah. - Yeah, right. Fuck.

I-- I went out with Marilyn Monroe.

We used to live together, in fact.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Now who's shittin' who?

You don't have to bullshit me, you know?

I'm not bullshitting you.

I'm just a regular guy here, you know?

Oh, yeah, and you didn't start it.

[laughs]

You know.

Listen, you wanna dance?

Yeah, sure, I'll dance with you.

Okay, let's go.

- Oh, excuse me, Father, may I ask you a question? - Yes, yes, yes.

Anything, my child.

Is there really a supreme power,

and what is written in the Bible, is it true?

Wait. I can't get into all that,

I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, please, Father, I really need to know this right now.

- I understand. What's your name? - Sadie.

Sadie. Why don't you go have a cookie?

You're my cookie.

- Oh, Sadie! - Oh, I'm so sorry!

[screams] Oooh!

FATHER: I'm so... Oh, Jesus.

- [sputters] - WOMAN: Sorry, sorry.

- Sorry. - Oh, my...

- You shoulda had the cookie. - [Sadie laughs]

[laughing]

I hate that damn dress!

You hate...

[laughing hysterically]

I can't get the... aaah!

Honey?

I gotta tell you something.

Diane, I already know all about last night.

[toilet flushes]

DIANE: You do?

Yeah. Bobby told me.

He told you?

Yeah, Bobby tells me everything.

We have this rule: no secrets allowed.

Bobby tells you everything?

Yeah, it's what a great relationship is based on.

You know that.

Then it's okay with you?

Diane, shut up already. It's fine.

I mean, to tell you the truth,

I wouldn't expect anything less from you.

[giggling]

Wow.

I'm not exactly sure how to take that.

But let me get this straight.

Bobby told you about last night,

and it's okay with you?

All right, I admit, okay, at first I was, you know,

a little teensy bit freaked out about it,

but you know what, I figured,

it's his last night as a free man, so, what the hell.

So you forgive me?

Forgive? What are you...?

Lisa, I love you!

- Oh, God! - You're my best friend.

- I know. - You're a saint.

You're--You're just on another level

of a human being.

Stop!

I mean, it's not like I meant to fuck him!

I'd never do it again.

[giggling]

What?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking that Bobby took the stag...

there were the girls that you...

Oh, please tell me that's not...

No, no, no!

- You... - Do you forgive me?

What?

Do you forgive me?

[groans]

[breathing rapidly]

I...

Uggh!

But I didn't mean to do it.

It didn't count.

Oh, it didn't count.

Marriage, I'm all for it.

But it wasn't really until my third wife

that I had it all figured out.

You got to have something on the side.

So, Bobby, always love, honor and obey,

and get yourself a girlfriend as soon as possible.

You know, I'm married too,

and I'd have to say the best part about being married is,

you don't have to wear those damn rubbers anymore

when... you know, when you're doing it.

Yeah. Yeah, fellas, but... how much does it pay?

Max, it was horrible.

I told her.

Well, I didn't really tell her,

but she knows.

Okay, there's a chemical reaction.

Believe me, one person cheats, another person cheats, another person cheats.

Everybody's cheating, everybody's fucking, everybody's cheating.

You're not alone. You're not alone. You're not alone.

You're not alone.

I gotta go.

LISA: Bobby Benigni!

Lisa Benigni!

♪ I see you

[chuckling softly]

LISA: How could you do this to me?

How could I do what to you?

Don't humiliate me, okay?

What are you talking about? I love you!

What are you trying to do? Tell me the truth already!

- Tell me it! - Please!

- I know! - Please calm down! Aspetta, aspetta!

Why don't you tell me the truth then, okay, if you love me so much?

I told you the truth.

Boner and the boys and Diane, we went to a strip joint.

Jesus Christ.

Tell me the part about Diane again, okay?

Tell me the part about Diane, this time don't leave out the freakin' details!

The details.

Diane came with us. She knows the girls.

And she feels comfortable with me, so what?

Oh, yeah, you're very comfortable with her.

Comfortable enough...

Comfortable enough for what?

Comfortable enough to...

Comfortable enough to fuck her?!

- What? - Is that what you're trying to tell me?

What?

Lisa, can I help?

- Get out! - I'd like to use the bathroom.

LISA: Get out!

Jesus Christ.

Look, we were very drunk last night.

- We drank a lot. - Oh, yeah.

All I remember is, is we were all in the limo,

we were drinking-- I must have passed out.

I have no idea, I must have passed out in the limo.

You sure got a lot of bang for the buck in that limo, huh?

We were drunk! We drank a lot!

And so it doesn't count?

It didn't count.

[Lisa whimpering]

You know, let me say something.

You know, regardless of what may or may not have happened,

a bachelor party has nothing to do with the rest of our lives.

I couldn't think of anyone else but you all night long.

I am totally committed to you.

You know those vows that we took today?

Those were the most important words

that I have ever said in my life!

[sobbing]

You know what it is?

You think I'm fucking like my father.

Well, the truth is, my father,

the innocent widower, Gino Benigni...

[spits] ...he never taught me a damn thing

about what it takes to be a man.

He never showed any respect for women.

And you know what?

It makes me fucking sick to my stomach

to know that that blood runs in my veins.

I can't hear anything.

That's because you're always yappin'.

I hear something but it sounds muffled.

Lisa, I have no doubts,

no doubts in the world, that I love and respect you,

as a woman, as a friend,

and as my wife.

I can't believe that I ever hurt you.

- What the fuck? - What's this--

- What the fuck are you doing? - What is he doing here?

- Do you have any scruples? Any morals? - Any morals?

- Any self-respect? - Yeah, what he said.

Sorry.

You sneaky, lousy fuck!

This is why we pay you, to invade our privacy?

- Yeah, you tell 'em, Sylvia! - We should sue you!

- I'm sorry. - Where in the contract does it say...

- It's not my job! - ..."video the bathroom"?

You got a problem?

You need talkin' to about values, my friend?

Mr. Weinstein, where did you get this piece of work from?

My wife hired him.

Marriage, it's what you do.

You know, it's, it's...

you grow up, you get married, you have kids,

that's what you do, and you try to be very happy,

and the way to be happy is compromise.

I always compromise.

Most of the time I don't get my own way

because I want my marriage to be happy, I want my husband to be happy.

And I want you to be happy, so compromise.

You know, when I was a kid, all my friends formed a band

and... [clears throat]

...I was gonna join the band,

but then my father says, "Your mother's very upset."

- Mm. - And I said, uh...

And I said, uh... "Ma, what's the matter?"

She said, "I was thinking of you becoming a priest, you know."

So it was music or the church.

- Music or the church. - Mm-hmm.

And I chose the church, and I really envy you

because I really think you... you have an outlet

for all your, uh, creative energy.

Eh, it was 1997.

I was 34, my waist was 28.

My wife was 69.

I couldn't find my 501s so I grabbed some 34s,

jumped into my '57, took off down 89.

I knew I had to be here by one, to be set up and playing by two.

I just wanna get my money and get the fuck outta here.

Oh, by the way, good luck. [clicks tongue]

[making guttural noises]

- Eeee! - [sputtering, laughing]

Hi, ladies. Give me a couple more, then I'm outta here.

- Who the fuck are you? - Help me out here. - Must be from the Italian side.

- Oh, my, come on! - Work with me. - Get lost, get lost!

Just be yourself. Just be Bobby Benigni and nobody else.

And that's the best advice I can give you.

Not even to be like your father, 'cause your father made some mistakes.

As far as being happy, forget about being happy.

Everybody's looking to be happy. Just be Bobby Benigni and you'll be happy.

So Bobby Benigni is your first official husband.

Yep.

I'd say he's my first official husband.

Whoa, yeah.

He's that.

I always said, never settle.

Yeah.

Coming from Mister...

"the first and only time I get married

will be at my funeral."

That would be very cool.

Falling in love at my funeral, that would be actually

living true to "Mister Never Settle."

Okay.

All right.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay?

Guess it's time to go.

[clicks tongue] Got a husband waiting for me in the limo.

Lisa...

You know what? I think...

I think that women, when they love,

they really love.

And I don't think men always do that.

♪ Baby, baby, baby

Sunny Radzinski talking to you guys right now,

I love ya, I love the marriage, I love the whole thing you're doing,

but I just wanna tell you one thing right now.

Men should live in one part of the country

and women should live in another part of the country.

There should be female land and male land.

And in between we'd have a sex zone.

♪ Baby, baby, baby

This was kind of nice, and you never know.

I mean, we might end up getting so good at this

that we could even play like, you know, funerals

and, uh, divorce parties.

- And you never know, I mean... - Max.

- ...if we made a good divorce band... - Don't go there.

Don't go there.

[camera shutter clicking]

[laughing]

[rock music playing]

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ It's been such a long time

♪ Think I should be going

♪ Yeah

♪ Time doesn't wait for me

♪ Keeps on rolling

♪ Sail on

♪ On a distant highway

♪ Yeah

♪ I've got to keep on chasin' a dream... ♪

I'm just gonna take some pictures,

and then I'm outta here. [camera shutter clicks]

♪ I wish there was something, oh, that I could say ♪

♪ Takin' my time

♪ Movin' along

♪ You'll forget about me after I've been gone ♪

♪ Take what I find, I don't want no more ♪

♪ Just outside of your front door ♪

♪ Oh, hey, yeah

♪ Well, I get so lonely

♪ When I am without you-ooo

♪ But in my mind, deep in my mind ♪

♪ I can't forget about you

♪ Ohh

♪ Good times

♪ And faces that remind me

♪ Yeah

♪ I'm tryin' to forget your name ♪

♪ And leave it all behind me

♪ Comin' back to find me, yeah ♪

[R&B ballad playing]

♪ Lying quietly

♪ And I'm thinking of you

♪ You're lying next to me

♪ Are you thinking of me too?

♪ Tell me what I need to know

♪ Should I hold or let you go? ♪

♪ Forever

♪ Forever

♪ And ever

♪ I'll love you forever

♪ Forever and ever

♪ Forever

♪ Forever

♪ I'll love you forever

♪ Every day that passes

♪ I spend my nights alone

♪ I want you here with me

♪ I fantasize that you're my home ♪

♪ Neither the angels in heaven ♪

♪ Nor the sun

♪ Can take my love from you

♪ 'Cause I know you're the one ♪

♪ Forever

♪ Forever

♪ I'll love you forever

♪ Forever and ever

♪ Forever

♪ Forever

♪ I'll love you forever

♪ Forever

♪ I look your way

♪ And you're far away

♪ In another place and time

♪ I hope you see

♪ When you look at me

♪ The true love of your life

♪ And love me forever

♪ La Cahuenga!

♪ La Cahuenga!

[dancers cheering]

♪ La Cahuenga!

- ♪ La Cahuenga! - ♪ La Cahuenga!

♪ La Cahuenga!

- HEBBER: Thank you, guys! - [cheering and applause]

[guttural voice] Wow!

Yeah!