My Wife's Lodger (1952) - full transcript
A soldier comes home from the war expecting a warm welcome, but he finds that his wife had taken in a lodger during his absence, and now she and his somewhat dingy daughter seem to be paying much more attention to the lodger than to him.
(CHEERING)
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Pass.
(CHUCKLES) How do, lads?
Is anyone sitting here?
Yes, the invisible man.
No, no, I mean, can I sit here?
I don't know, try it and see.
It's grand to be back home again.
Glad you think so.
(EXCLAIMS) Those handcuffs?
Nah, we was born like this.
We're Siamese twins.
- Nice day.
- Hmm. What? What?
I said it was a nice day.
Yes. Yes, I can see it is.
Playing cards?
- Nah, association football.
- Oh!
- Solo.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Abundance.
Misére.
Here, wait a minute. Who goes what?
- Well, I passed.
- Well, so did I.
Call again.
- Solo.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Abundance.
Misére.
Here. What's the game?
Someone called twice.
- Not me.
- I went abundance.
Well, I went solo.
- Who said misére?
- I did.
Well, keep your blooming trap shut.
Deal again.
Here. What's the game? I've got
a cert bundle here. Pick 'em up.
- Well, it was his fault.
- Pick 'em up. Pick 'em up.
Oh dear, no seats in here either.
That's all right, missus,
you can have mine.
Oh, thank you so much.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)
- But, Ma, I want to sit down.
- Now, Vernon. Be a good boy.
And perhaps the nice kind sergeant
will let you sit on his knee.
But I don't want to sit on his knee.
I'm very glad to hear it.
'Cause you ain't gonna sit
on the nice sergeant's knee.
Sergeant, he looks a nice little lad.
Here. You keep out of it.
I've heard enough of you.
Hey, sarge.
What, again?
Well, I can't help it.
I'm not a blinkin' camel.
Come on, then, you stupid...
What a funny looking man.
Vernon, don't be rude to the gentleman.
Oh, that's all right, missus.
I think he's a very well behaved
little lad.
Yes, he's no trouble.
Just a teeny-weeny bit playful,
that's all.
Ah, well, all kids are, aren't they?
They wouldn't be human if they weren't.
You've got children of your own?
Aye, I have that. Two.
A little lad and a little lass.
I can't wait until I see them again.
- Been away long?
- Six years.
(GASPS)
That's a long time, isn't it?
There they are.
Oh, what nice kids.
What a funny looking dustbin.
That's not a dustbin.
That's me mother-in-law.
- You like my tie?
- Aye, it's very nice, isn't it?
(CRIES OUT)
(SHOUTS)
Clumsy thing, you.
Now look what you've done,
you've knocked me wool on the floor.
I'm sorry, love. It was an accident.
I'll find it for you.
Blimey! What, you again?
What are you doing down there?
If you say getting up I'll give you
a slap right round the kip.
- Now, get inside.
- Can't I have any peace?
Move up, ma'am.
(GROANING)
- I want to play cards.
- No, Vernon!
But I want to play cards.
Never mind about cards, Vernon.
You stick to your pools.
But I can play Happy Families.
If you don't keep quiet, there'll be
a very unhappy family and you won't know
-how unhappy they are.
- But I want...
Can't you keep
this little scorpion quiet?
- Keep quiet, Vernon.
- No chance of that.
He's no trouble at all, is he?
He's not usually like this.
I can't think what's come over
the little fellow today.
He must be overtired.
(WHISTLES)
Madam, can't you make
that wretched child behave?
Vernon, behave!
Eh, that's a handy little gadget.
Let's have a look at it.
(CHUCKLES)
What is this, a lunatic asylum?
Haven't you grown up yet?
Don't you hit my Vernon!
Vernon, say you're sorry
to the nice kind sergeant.
- Sorry, sarge.
- All right, son,
but don't do it again, that's all.
Why don't you give the gentlemen
a sweet?
I've got some Turkish Delight.
Want one, Tish?
Yes.
How about you, Tosh?
You, Tosh?
Blimey! It's soap.
Excuse me, madam.
Good heavens! Smallpox!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL CLAMOURING)
MAN: Oh, shut up!
Oh, my poor boy. Doctor, you must
do something for my child. Please!
Hey, you've got the wrong case.
Hey, my case.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
My Case!
My Case!
My Case!
(FAINTLY) My cage!
There's Mrs Barton
going into number nine.
She don't look long for this world.
Proper haggard, she looks.
I suppose it's worrying
over her husband going overseas.
Well, my husband's been overseas
for six years.
But I haven't worried myself
into the grave over it.
Oh, him. Huh! He's different.
There's that Mrs Emmett
going up the road.
Her that's just got married.
Oh, she made a lovely bride.
She did look happy.
Happy?
I wouldn't say she looked happy.
Relieved, you might say. Not happy.
Mum!
Hello, Son. What is it?
You're back early.
Aye, I've got some wonderful news
for you.
- Oh, what is it?
- I've got the sack.
I'm fired.
Now I can go to t'dogs every day.
Hey, this is my lucky day,
that's what it is.
Ee, it's not fair.
If he can get the sack, so can I.
Why should I have to work?
Be quiet, the pair of you.
All you think about is going
to dogs, Palais, and pictures.
While I stay at home
scrubbing and slaving for you.
What for, I'd like to know.
What have I got?
- Roger.
- The lodger.
Ee, Mum, look at Rita.
Did you ever go out with boys
when you were a girl?
Don't be so daft, of course...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I did once.
And did you suffer for it?
I married your father, didn't I?
Don't bother to set a place for me,
Mother.
Why not, love?
I'm going to Palais with Charley Farley.
Oh, have a bit of something
before you go, won't you?
- No, I haven't time.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Postman.
Oh, if it's anything for me
don't open it. It's private.
Ah, private's right.
It's from Private Higginbotham.
Oh, I'll bet he'll be wanting something
or he wouldn't be writing.
"My dear Maggie Ann.
"Hoping you're in the pink,
as it leaves me the same.
"I've had a long dose of CB
which is very catching,
"but I'm all right now.
"I'm coming home on leave.
Isn't it smashing?
"I haven't changed much
as the launder is very difficult.
"I'm still wearing the same socks
you knitted me when I went away.
"And I've become quite attached to them.
"Love to you and the kids
and the old warhorse.
"Is she still with you? I hope not.
"Yours as before, Willie.
"PS, if I get home before this letter,
don't bother to read it."
Well!
Your father's on his way home.
Well, I'm on me way out.
Got a date with Clarice Harris.
Don't you want any tea either?
No thanks, Mum.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(BAND PLAYING HOME SWEET HOME)
(BAND PLAYING
FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW)
(CROWD CHEERING)
- How are you, love?
- Hello.
Ee, it's Willie Higginbotham.
(DOOR OPENING)
Anybody at home?
I've come back.
(PLAYS HORN)
Oh, so it's you, is it?
Hello, Maggie Ann. Here I am at last.
I heard you, blowing your own trumpet.
- Aren't you glad to see me?
- Well, I don't rightly know.
Well, give us a kiss
while you think it over.
Oh, aye.
Ee, I've waited six years for that.
You've been drinking.
I've just had one or two
with the lads to celebrate.
I don't see any flags out here.
We've got no flags. Besides,
we didn't know you were coming back.
- Well, didn't you get my letter?
- Five minutes ago.
- You haven't changed much.
- No, and neither have you.
Why, you're just as lovely as you were
when I went away.
- Hmm. I wish you meant it.
- I do mean it.
You do look nice, really you do.
After knocking about all over the world
and seeing different sorts of women,
you know, yellow women
and black women...
Oh, so you've been messing about
with black women, have you?
I haven't been messing about
with black women.
Oh, yes, you have, you've just said so.
Oh, you're starting already, are you?
I'm not starting anything,
but I'm not going to be compared
with black women, and that's that.
I didn't mean it.
Ee. What's all the noise about?
Nothing, Mother. Nothing.
Listen, love, don't let's start
quarrelling the minute I get back.
- I don't want to quarrel, I'm sure.
- Oh, neither do I.
All I want's a bit of peace and quiet.
There goes Mrs Jepson.
She's going to have a baby
according to Mrs Harris.
Going to have a baby?
Well!
Well, don't look at me.
I've been away for six years.
Disgraceful, I call it.
Having a baby and her husband's
been overseas two and half years.
Well, there's nothing in that.
There's two and a half years between
our Eunice and our Norman.
(GIGGLES)
I think the sun's got to your head.
Well, Mum, what about it?
Well, I never...
Are you going to a funeral?
Take no notice. It's only your father.
Why, it's right...smart.
Hello, stranger.
Been making a bit of a career
for yourself in Korea?
(LAUGHS)
No, I just committed suicide
on the Suez side.
Oh, right. Good, Dad. Right snappy.
Well, you're growing quite a big lad.
Are you working
or is that a rude question?
Well, not at the moment.
Just looking out for good openings.
All right. That's what the rabbit
said to the greyhound.
- I don't get it.
- Too snappy for you?
Ah, well, sorry I can't stop.
Where are you going, lad?
Round to Clarice Harris's.
They're holding a big party tonight.
Her dad's just come back from overseas.
It must be nice when their dad's
come back from...
Oh, well.
Do you know what happens to a girl
who wears woollen stockings?
No, what?
Nothing!
(LAUGHS)
(WOLF WHISTLE)
Mother. How do I look?
Ee, it's most becoming.
It'll be coming off in a minute.
- Oh, here's your dad back.
- Hello, Dad.
- Where are you going, lass?
- I'm going out.
I didn't think you were
gonna crawl up the chimney.
Hey, does she have to put
all this muck on her face?
She's grown up now, you know.
You can't treat her like a kid.
I've a right to know where
me own daughter is going, haven't I?
She's not 21 yet.
He asked me last night, Mother.
- Who did?
- Charley Farley.
Asked you what?
To marry him, of course.
What do you think?
Well, I never did. And will you?
I think so.
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
He'll have to keep you.
He knows that, I suppose.
- Aye, he wants to.
- He must be crackers.
- Hey, don't I get consulted about this?
- About what?
- About our Eunice getting wed.
- I don't see why you should.
She's known Charley Farley
along time now. Haven't you, love?
Aye, six weeks.
Hey, hey, hey.
Who is this Charley Farley?
- That's what I want to know.
- A chap.
I know he's a chap, you don't think
I thought he was a greyhound, do you?
- Oh, that's his job.
- What is?
Greyhounds, the dog track.
Oh, eh, he works at a dog track,
does he?
And what does he do at the dog track?
Goes round with a brush and shovel,
I suppose.
No, he doesn't. He's got a good job.
- Why isn't he in the army?
- He's graded.
He's got a fatty heart and flat feet.
Ee, but he's ever so nice.
He's got a fatty heart and flat feet.
But he's ever so nice.
That settles it.
I'm not having any daughter of mine
getting married to a fellow
with a flat heart and fatty feet
that works at a dog track.
What you want and what I want
are very different things.
I've been running the family
while you've been away.
And I'll not have you interfering,
now you've come back.
I don't see why I shouldn't marry
Charley Farley.
I shall have to marry someone,
I suppose, and he's as good as anybody.
- Anyway, he's got ambitions.
- Oh, has he?
He wants to marry me
and have a big family.
Oh, does he?
Well, she can get that idea
right out of her head.
I'm not going to be cluttered up
for the rest of my life
with a lot of little Charley Farleys
running around
with fatty hearts and flat feet.
And furthermore,
you haven't told me where
you're going yet dressed up like that.
Well, if you must know,
I'm going to meet him at the Palais.
- At what?
- EUNICE: At the Palais.
I saw one once.
- Saw what, Mother?
- A ballet.
It was at the old Theatre Royal,
in the pantomime.
It had a lovely
transformation scene, too.
Nobody's talking about ballets.
Our Eunice is going to the Palais,
the dance hall.
Why don't she speak plain English?
Nobody's talking to you anyroad.
Don't you talk to my mother like that.
Well, let her keep out of this.
Hey, what's this Palais
you're going to anyway?
The Palais de dance, I work there.
- What at?
- Jitterbugging.
Jitter-what-ing?
- Jitterbugging.
- What-a-bugging?
- Jitterbugging.
Ee, what 'orrible language.
What the blazes is jitterbugging?
(SIGHS)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
RADIO ANNOUNCER: We are interrupting
our programme of dance music
for a special announcement.
A case belonging to a doctor and
containing 20 vials of phenobarbitone
was taken by mistake...
(SWITCHES RADIO OFF)
Ta-ta, love. Don't be late home.
And don't smoke too many cigarettes,
it'll give you a bad colour.
One more colour on her face
wouldn't make much difference.
- So you smoke cigarettes now, do you?
- Yes, I do. So what?
So what? So what, what?
So what, nothing. I just said,
"So what?"
I know you did,
what are you talking about?
You can't say, "So what, nothing."
You're asking a question, aren't you?
Where's your grammar?
Ee, you're a proper little
devil getting, aren't you?
Making up and smoking cigarettes.
You'll be drinking next.
- Aye, I do that, too.
- Hmm?
And I shall probably have
a couple of small Ports
with Charley Farley tonight.
- Well, TTFN.
- TTFN? What's that?
Ta-ta for now.
Well, DGQD.
What's DGQD?
Don't go quite daft.
- Give my love to Roger, Ma.
- Okay, darling.
Don't be late.
- Who's Roger?
- The lodger.
Oh, aye, the lodger.
What's he like, Maggie?
He's a fine man, that's what he is.
Works hard and earns good money.
- What doing?
- Big business.
He's a key man.
Now, give us one
from under the counter, Joe.
Ta.
Hey, Roger.
You know that youngest lad of ours,
young Sammy?
He a bright lad, he is.
You ought to get him in the business.
Tether day he sad to me,
"Dad, what's the letter on the back of
the car?" The letter
I said, "It's for learner."
Today, he says, "That car
with the 'I' on the back,
"now it's got 'GB' on it. Does that mean
the driver's getting better?"
(LAUGHS)
GB, getting better.
(LAUGHS)
He's a bright lad, is our Sammy.
Very good, very good indeed.
Checked up on that lorry for you, guv.
Leaves the factory at 3:00,
passes here about 4:30.
Thanks. Cop.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Thanks, dear.
- Here's your cut on the nylons, Joe.
- Oh, thanks.
You (CLEARS THROAT)
don't waste much time, do you?
Ah, that's chicken feed.
(LAUGHS) Chicken feed.
- How's business?
- Booming.
As a matter of fact, I've got
something really big up soon.
Fags, billions of fags.
- Can you drive a lorry, Joe?
- Drive anything on four wheels.
That's me boy. Now, look,
I'll give you the low-down later.
I'm taking my landlady
to the pictures tonight.
I don't know why you hang out after her,
she ain't got no dough, has she?
She's got plenty of ray-me.
(WOLF WHISTLE)
Besides, gives me a nice
respectable background.
Oi, oi.
- You don't mind, do you, Joe?
- No, it's all right.
- Good night, mate.
- Good night.
Oh, Willie, you're in my way.
Come out of it.
(WILLIE MUMBLES)
Sit down while I get Roger's tea.
You can have yours later.
- After Roger's finished.
- That's right.
-İf there's any left.
- That's right.
I expect he'll be hungry.
Why, does he work
in the Ministry of Food?
No, he's in rearmaments.
In rearmaments, I'll bet he is.
Oh, he'll want his tea early tonight.
He's going to the flick.
I do wish he'd come in.
I'll never get washed up in time.
Well, there's no hurry.
You've got all night, haven't you?
That is unless Roger's
taking you with him to the flicks.
- That's exactly what he is doing.
- Ah!
What?
You don't mean to say
you go out to the pictures
with Roger the lodger, do you?
There's no harm in a gentleman
taking a lady to the pictures, I hope.
Oh, I suppose not,
as long as it stops at that.
What do you care what I do?
You've been away for six years!
And I don't suppose you've even
brought me back a present.
That's where you're wrong,
just what I have done.
- What have you brought me?
- A brand new dress.
A new dress!
Aye, all the way
from the glamorous East.
Here it is.
You wear the flowers to cover your top
and the skirt to cover the rest of you.
(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)
Am I supposed to go around
in a thing like that?
Why not?
It's ladies fashion in Bonga Wonga.
This isn't Bonga Wonga.
Expecting me to go around
in a grass skirt and a ring of roses.
Well, Eve only had a fig leaf,
and she didn't grumble.
She had Adam.
Aye, and you've got Willie Higginbotham.
And a couple of kids
you seem to have forgotten.
Oh, no, I haven't.
I've got presents for them and all.
Have you brought those back
for our kids?
Aye.
I didn't realise they'd grown so big.
Well, you didn't suppose
they'd grow any smaller, did you?
It didn't occur to me.
Hey!
It shoots muck out at back.
Look.
MAGGIE: What do you think you're doing?
# I wish there were no prisons
I do, I do
# For Oakum picking gives me a licking
# But I'm rather fond of
a little bit of nicking in the end #
(CHUCKLES)
Hello, hello, hello.
How are you, Maggie?
Look what I've brought you.
You've got a visitor, I see.
Oh, (CLEARS THROAT)
Roger, this is Willie, my husband.
- Willie, this is Roger.
- Oh, aye, the lodger.
How do? Playing with your toys?
Feeling peckish, Roger?
(CHUCKLES) I'm all ready
for a bit of your cooking, Maggie.
You know, I would say,
if you hadn't tasted Maggie's tripe,
you don't know what tripe is.
(LAUGHS)
You're talking a lot of tripe,
I know that.
Sit down, Roger, I won't be a minute.
I'm just brewing tea.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(WATER RUNNING)
(WHISTLES)
- Get up, Willie!
- What for?
- You're on Roger's chair.
- Well, I'll be...
Get up, Willie, Roger's tired.
Sit down, Roger, I won't be a minute.
(SIGHING)
Make yourself at home.
(LAUGHS) I am at home.
(WATER RUNNING)
You've been working pretty hard,
I suppose.
Well, we keep on doing our bit,
you know.
Still got to keep
the lads in Korea going.
Oh, aye, you got to keep them going.
And you're taking my wife
to the pictures tonight.
- Yes. You don't mind, do you, old man?
- No, no, no, no, no.
You know,
when you've been working hard all day,
you feel like a bit of relaxation
in the evening.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes-
It's no good knocking yourself out now,
is it?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
All work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy, you know.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Of course.
I wanted to join the army
but they wouldn't let me go.
- Wouldn't they?
- Nah.
- I'm in a reserved occupation.
- Oh, aye.
You know, it's one of the... Oh, ta.
One of the biggest regrets of my life
that I wasn't over there
knocking the stuffing out of them Nazis.
Oh, you would have loved it.
Still, somebody's got to do the work,
old man.
Somebody's got to turn out
the armaments.
Aye. Otherwise you wouldn't be able
to have any more nice wars, would you?
- What do you mean?
- Come and get your tea, Roger.
You're having the usual cup of char,
aren't you?
Oh, I'll have a cup to keep you company.
But I've had a good lunch.
- I had a smashing lunch, too.
- I never had any lunch at all.
Two egg and bubble, four dripping,
sultana pud and two cups of Rosie Lee.
Tasty!
We had a couple of faggots, Norm and I,
with some fried potatoes
and tinned peas. Lovely!
I had a meat pie
with no meat in it. Lousy!
- How are the sausages, Roger?
- Uh, thoroughbreds.
Not my idea of a tea, you know.
İf there's one thing I like more than
another, it's a nice bit of cold ham.
- Oh, aye. But look at the price.
- Oh, I'm not blaming you.
I think you do very well here,
considering.
You don't do so badly yourself.
What the devil
you think you're playing at?
- I'm sorry. Did I splash you?
- Of course you did.
I'll wipe you down.
Now, come on be a sport.
Don't do that! I've got to eat those!
God. I've never seen anything like it
in me life, you fathead.
Oh, what a shame! Cat won't eat it now.
Oh, I'll get my hat and coat on
or we'll be late for the pictures.
What are you looking so miserable about?
You don't mind my going
to the pictures with Roger, do you?
No, I suppose not.
I just thought that as it was
me first night back home
you might've liked to stop in for a bit.
Or else come out with me, love.
Oh, well, we made our arrangements now.
You don't want me to disappoint Roger,
do you?
You must be tired after your long
journey, old man. You take it easy.
I'll tell you what.
You can have my chair if you like.
- Oh, thanks very much.
- Till I come home. Ready, Mag?
Clear Roger's tea things away
and wash up and don't break anything.
Here, what about my tea?
Oh, there's some corned beef
in the larder. You can have that.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC)
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Scram!
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
- Whoopee, have a shot of this.
- What's that?
Baby, one shot of that
and you'll spit in the eye of a tiger.
- Ooh, no, I couldn't.
- Oh, come on.
No, I don't like whisky.
But you got to have something.
I can't drink on my own.
Well, I don't know what to have.
I'm so hot.
(CHUCKLES) Baby, you sure said it.
Well, I think I'll have a nice
long cool drink.
Yeah, I know. Something long
and cold and bitter.
BARTENDER: Take my wife.
Baby, when you look at me like that,
I get goose pimples on my goose pimples.
Oh, go on,
you Americans are all like that.
(CHUCKLES) Well,
we all got two things in common and...
- Well, one of them's drink.
- What's the other?
- Baby, you got me coming and going.
- Let's dance again, shall we?
No. No, the weather's too rough.
I got to go.
- Oh. Well, I don't want to go yet.
- That's right. You stay here, baby.
I'm on a secret mission.
Man about a dog.
Oh. Oh, can't I go with you
to see the man about the dog?
No. No, I'm sorry, baby.
The dog might bite you.
So long, beautiful. I'll be seeing you.
Well, I like that!
Cinderella, that's me.
Cinder-ruddy-rella.
The ugly sisters have gone
to the blinkin' ball
and left me to do
the fiddlin' washing up.
And I don't see
any flippin' fairy godmother.
(SNORING)
(FLY BUZZING)
(STOPS BUZZING)
(DRUNKENLY) Hey.
Hey, do you where's the home
of a guy called Bittinhogam?
- Who?
- Bothenhagen.
Oh! You mean Higginbotham?
That's what I said, friend.
Bothanhagen!
Aye. That's his house there.
Oh, thanks, pal!
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, that's all right.
Don't stand on ceremony
with Willie Higginbotham.
Just go open the door and walk in.
Oh. Okay, brother.
# We've been driving
through the jungle in Korea
# Scootin' after a lance pioneer
# We're chasing round the border
restoring law and order... #
- Hiya, pal.
- How do?
- Hey, anybody in?
- No.
- Can I do anything for you?
- Yeah, I reckon you can.
Yeah, but I don't remember what it is.
Hey, you're not Charley Farley
by any chance?
No. No, I guess I ain't, pal,
just call me Texas.
That's where I come from.
- Good old Texas, the Lone Star State.
- Uh-huh.
# Restoring law and order
Chasing round the border
# Restoring law and order
Restoring law and order... #
Wait, turn it up. Turn it up.
You'll wake
the whole blooming street up.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, pal.
I just feel kinda happy, that's all.
(LAUGHS) I just got back from Korea.
Have you? That's funny.
I just got back from abroad meself.
You don't say!
Well, now if that ain't a coincidence.
This calls for a little celebration.
Do you like rye?
- Aye.
- Good. Got any glasses?
- I'll get some.
- Superb, boy.
(DRUNKENLY) # Restoring law and order
Restoring law and order
# Restoring law and order... #
Hey, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- What's the matter?
- We've got to be very quiet about this,
you see, me mother-in-law's poorly.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, pal.
Hey, would the old girl
like a shot of this?
- This'll put her to sleep, all right.
- No. No, let's leave her out of it.
Between you and me,
she's a bit of a nagger.
I get you, pal.
I've had a few mothers-in-law myself.
- Up. Here's how.
- Cheerio.
Say, it sort of takes you apart,
doesn't it?
TEX: Hmm.
This is what we used
to call a Leopard Sweat.
(SMACKS LIPS)
# Ooh, it's my wife's lodger
every morning
What's that?
# It's my wife's lodger every morning
# And my wife's lodger every night... #
- Stop that noise!
- Hey, that reminds me,
my old woman's gone off to the pictures
with Roger.
- Who is he?
- The lodger.
# I'm always in trouble
when anything goes wrong
# Goes wrong
# But everything
that Roger does is right
# ls right
WILLIE: # Everything... #
(STOPS SINGING)
Now, tell me, when did you get back?
- Only today.
- Have a nice trip?
No, terrible!
The ship was too uncomfortable.
-(MUMBLING) Uncomfortable. Too full up.
- Mmm.
Hey, 350 junior officers on board
and 11 nursing sisters.
(WHISTLES)
Never have so few
been chased by so many,
for so long for so little.
Okay, pal, so you had a tough time.
Did I ever tell you about the time
I captured an enemy bunker
single-handed?
- No, tell me.
- We're attacking through the jungle.
I get separated from my section.
Where were you?
- I don't know.
- Well, I'll tell you.
I crawled out of a patch of scrub, see.
And there, right in front of me,
is the bunker.
So I grabbed my gun.
And I give them a short burst.
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN)
Then I give them another burst.
Then I leaped into the bunker,
and I give them all I got left.
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN)
TEX: Hey. Hey.
(GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMS)
WILLIE: # Now I've no time for Roger
the lodger
TEX: # The lodger
# I trust him just
as far as I could reach
TEX # I could reach
WILLIE: # He's a codger...
Stop that noise down there!
BOTH: # He's the kind of lodger
# He's Roger the lodger, the leech #
- Hey.
- What?
- Take my daughter.
- Thanks, pal. Where is she?
- Jutterbigging.
- What's that?
It's a new fangled kind of dance.
- You mean boogie-woogie?
- Boogie-woogie? Is that it?
That ain't no boogie-woogie.
It's something about cats and hips, see.
# We're rootin' shootin' guys from Idaho
# A-shootin' all the pirates as we go
# We was up to Yokohama
(RAUCOUS SINGING CONTINUES)
(CRASHING)
- What's that?
- Mice.
With clogs on?
(BOTH GASP)
Ooh, it's me mother-in-law.
Tell her to go chase herself, friend.
Are you a man or a mouse?
- I'm a man, by heck.
- That's my boy.
I'm a man.
(EXHALES)
- Tell her to take a powder.
- Sidley's powder?
Tell her to take a powder!
Oh, aye!
Have a Bob Martin's!
(IMITATES MACHINE GUN)
(WILLIE GROANING)
- That's settled her.
- Swell, boy. Keep it up!
Don't you stand for any of that baloney
from any of them.
Tell them all to scram!
- I think I will.
- Attaboy!
And as for Roger the lodger,
do you know what I'd do about him?
(BOTH IMITATING MACHINE GUN)
And as for the washing up...
Do you know what I'd do
about the washing up?
- No.
- I'd chuck the whole darn lot
out of the window!
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I never thought of that.
- Well, what are we waiting for?
- Let's go, brother.
(EXCLAIMS)
- You can't do that!
- Can't I?
An Englishman's home is his castle.
MAN IN MOVIE: Who could conjure a scene
more beautiful
than these enchanting Hawaiian girls?
Dancing to the strings of native guitar
as those surf-covered breakers
forever keep rolling in
onto those coral-studded beaches.
WOMAN: Ices, cigarettes, chocolates.
- Would you like an ice, Maggie?
- I don't mind if I do.
One, please.
WOMAN: Ices, cigarettes, chocolates.
MAN: Now, with this song in our minds,
we say farewell to lovely Waikiki,
where men are men,
and the women
are constantly reminding them of it.
- Our honeymoon, Maggie.
- Oh, give over, Roger.
Shh!
Turn it up. What's the matter with you?
I don't think I should have left Willie
all on his own tonight, you know.
After all, it is his first night home.
Anyway, let's hope he's getting on
with washing up.
You got to be boss in your own house.
- Get me?
- Getcha!
You don't wanna to stand for any of
that baloney from your wife or the kids.
- Get me?
- Getcha!
- Or the lodger. Get me?
- Getcha!
(SCREAMING)
Oh, dear, dear.
(SOBBING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Willie, let's you and me go out
and get another bottle of rye.
Aye, that's a good idea.
I'm beginning to like this rye.
I'm getting a craving for it.
# Were rootin' shootin' guys from Idaho
# Idaho! Sleeping on... #
Be quiet down there!
Why don't you divorce him, honey,
and marry me?
ACTRESS: Bud, I must have time
to think it over.
ACTOR 1: I'm crazy about you!
Give me a kiss.
Give over, Roger.
ACTOR 1: Gee, baby, you're swell.
I'm crazy about every
little thing about you.
Your hair, your eyes, your neck.
Give over, Roger!
(ALL SHUSHING)
ACTOR 1: Leave him, baby,
and come away with me.
- ACTRESS: No, I can't.
- It's like us, Maggie.
- Why can't you?
- Oh, I'm afraid, Bud.
- He's only a wrestler, ain't he?
- Yeah, Bud.
But a Russian wrestler
and he's so big and strong.
ACTOR 1: Oh, forget it! Come away now.
Will you, baby?
- Gee, I don't know.
- Say you will, baby.
Say you will, Maggie.
Okay, Bud. I'll come.
- There you are, Maggie!
- ACTOR 2: Aha!
ACTRESS: My husband!
ACTOR 1: Who the hell are you?
ACTOR 2: I am Romanov,
the Russian wrestler.
- Who are you?
- ACTOR 1: I am Papanov,
the American sprinter. Good night.
ACTOR '2: Oh, no, you don't.
(GUN FIRES)
- ACTRESS: Oh, Bud!
- He shot him!
- Oh, I...
- Nipped in the bud.
Give over, Roger!
- What's the matter with you?
- Oh. Let's go. Let's go.
Yeah. Let's go get a glass of beer.
Oh, no. Willie will be waiting on me.
Ahh, Willie!
MAN: (IMITATING MAGGIE)
Give over, Roger!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know, pal,
it's kind of cosy the both of us.
- Hey, friend, do you live here?
- Nay, I'm on holiday.
Oh.
- You spend your holidays here?
- Aye.
I haven't had holiday in five years.
I wrote to council
and they told me to take me holidays
at me own convenience.
# Because it's my wife's lodger... #
Well, what's been going on, Mother?
(WHIMPERING) It's murder,
that's what it is.
They've been smashing plates up
between them.
- Who has?
- Willie and another drunk.
I thought it was them coming back.
Oi, they tried to choke me.
- Oh!
- What?
Tried to follow me up the stairs!
Ooh, they didn't get into your bedroom,
did they, Mother?
No! I wouldn't let them.
The lustful hounds.
Oh, never mind, Mother.
Go back to bed, love.
I'll take care of Willie
when he comes in.
(CRYING)
Oh!
(CHUCKLING) This is a nice old carry-on,
I must say.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
- Whisky.
- Empty.
After all I've done for him.
Slaved meself to the bone,
kept the house nice and clean
for him to come back to,
brought his children up.
This is what I get in return.
- You know, Maggie, I've been thinking.
- What about?
- About you and me and him.
- What about us?
He's no good to you, Maggie.
Cut him out right of you life. You know,
like they done at the pictures.
Get rid of him once and for all!
Give him his cards.
- Oh, you don't mean divorce?
- Why not?
Then you and me can get spliced.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I don't know what to think.
Look, you like me, don't you?
- I'm very fond of you, Roger, but...
- I knew it!
And I get on all right with that old...
With your mother, don't I?
- Aye, you do.
- Well, what about it?
(CHUCKLES) You've about
took my breath away.
Oh, no. Girl, you can't come that tone
with me, you know.
I don't know what you mean.
You been nice to me
and I've appreciated you
but you can't say
I've ever let you make love to me.
No, I suppose you haven't really.
You can't say I've ever given you
any encouragement, I'm sure.
No, you have been a bit cold,
I must say. Anyhow, what about it?
Ooh, it's not as easy as all that.
(SIGHS) You see, I've been married
to Willie now for nearly 20 years.
- He's become a sort of habit.
- That's just it. A bad habit.
You want to break yourself of him.
Oh, you can't decide things like that
all in a minute.
- But he... You don't love him, do you?
- Sometimes I think I do.
- Well.
- He's so pathetic.
Like an overgrown school lad.
Ee, sometimes I feel so sorry for him.
And then he goes and behaves
like he's done tonight.
Ooh, I could throttle him!
And another thing, Roger.
I don't know much about you, do I?
You haven't told me anything
about yourself, have you?
Such as?
Whether you've been married,
for one thing.
No, I've never been married.
I don't know why.
It's not that I'm not
the marrying kind, it's...
Well, I suppose I never met
the right girl. Until now.
You don't seem to get any letters,
do you?
No, no, I don't, do I?
Well, you know,
I'm just one of these lonely blokes.
You know, I don't make many friends.
Just go jogging along.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) But we don't want
to get over-sentimental, do we?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, no. Good night, Roger.
Then I take it you've turned me down.
Well, no, Roger.
I wouldn't say that exactly.
Why don't you take
a little thinking over?
But before anything can happen,
I've got to have it out with Willie
about this here carry-on tonight.
Look here,
my Aunt Fanny's best vase, broken.
- Oh.
- Any how, think over what I said.
- And give us a kiss to be going on.
- Not now, Roger. Not now.
Oh, come on, Maggie. Just one for luck.
- Give over, Roger!
- Maggie, listen...
- Who's that?
- Me, Mum.
You're back early from Palais.
- I'm fed up.
- So am I.
And I've had a right do
around here tonight.
I met the most wonderful
American soldier.
I knew it. Tell me the worst.
Well, he was tall and handsome and,
oh, what eyes!
He'd only got to look at you
with those eyes.
Oh, what else would he look
at you with, girl? His teeth?
Ee, I could tell by the way
he was looking at me
just what he was thinking about.
I could tell what he was thinking about
without looking.
Why are you back so early?
Well, he gave me the brush-off
and left me with Charley Farley.
Oh, well, get to your bed
and stop wasting your time
on American soldiers.
- Oh, but this one's different.
- Aye, they're all different in uniform.
But see them without it,
they all look much the same.
- And some look worse than us.
- You've never been in love, have you?
That's not the right question
for a girl to ask her mother.
Well, how could anyone
ever have been in love with Dad?
Don't be daft! Get to your bed
and don't talk a lot of rubbish.
(SIGHS) Poor Ma.
You know, I feel sorry for you.
You don't know what it's like
being in love.
(SIGHS)
It's beautiful.
Love.
BOTH: # He's a dodger, a codger
TEX: # And every kind of... #
(SHUSHING)
- We're home.
- Okay, brother.
- Mustn't wake up me mother-in-law.
- What's the matter? Is she sick?
She may be at death's door.
Don't worry, pal,
we'll pull her through.
- It's locked.
- Are you going to stand for that?
- What?
- Locked out by a lousy lodger.
- Am I?
- Sure you are.
And here's where you show them
who's boss, pal.
Aye, I will.
Open the door, it's the boss.
Open the door, it's the boss!
# Were rootin' shootin' guys from Idaho
# Idaho!
# We've been all the places we go...
# From West Point to Yokohama... #
You are going to be sorry for this,
Willie Higginbotham.
- You and this hooligan you picked up.
- Well, that's my pal.
He's Texas. He's not a...
hoodleoodleoodle... are you, Pal?
- Ma'am, your husband's a hero.
- Yeah, I'll hero him.
- Come on, get him out of this.
- Oh!
Stand by that stuff, friend.
- Tell her where she gets off.
- Aye. This is where you get off.
Stop the bus.
Willie Higginbotham,
what's come over you?
Listen, I'm going to be master
in me own house, see.
And I'm not gonna stand
for any more old buck
from you or from Rumbling Roger.
Or from the kids or from that
old haybag, your mother, upstairs.
- You leave my mother out of this.
- I won't leave her out of it.
I'm fed up of your family.
Your father was just as bad.
My father?
You're starting on him now, are you?
Aye, you're father, what a man he was.
Old Humpty Dumpty.
Never did a stroke of work in his life.
He tried to join the army.
I know he did,
and what did they tell him?
Told him they wanted soldiers
for France, not camels for Egypt.
- Atta boy.
- Come on now, get out!
Give her the works.
Give it the works? I'll give her
the whole bloomin' factory.
You're in no fit condition
to talk tonight.
I'll have this out with you
in the morning.
We'll have nothing out in the morning.
We'll have it out here and now,
while I'm in the mood.
Now then, now then, now then!
What's going on down here? What's all
the row about? What's all the row about?
Oh, Roger. This horrible man,
he's made our Willie drunk.
He has? I'll soon settle him.
Stand back.
Now, now, now, look. You don't want me
to start getting tough now, do you?
You sure said a mouthful, brother.
Now, kid.
What do you think you're doing?
Turn it up!
(SCREAMS) Oh, Roger!
She's fainted!
Eight,
nine, out.
(SNEEZES)
You'll pay for this.
You'll pay for this!
(SLURRING WORDS) Wonderful party
round at Clarice's Harris's.
I know, you've been drinking
with Charley Farley.
You don't look well, Son,
you'd better get up to your bed.
Don't look well, me foot!
He's drunk, that's what he is!
How dare you say it? Our Norman's
never been drunk in his life.
Hasn't he? Well, he's starting now.
Drunk? Who says I'm drunk?
Soberest man at the party.
“No!
'Aye!
While all the others was under t'table,
-I...
- Well...
I was swinging on the chandelabra.
There you are.
(STUTTERING) It's just come through
on t'wireless.
What has?
They've taken up our tramlines
in Manchester.
What for?
They were in the road!
(EXCLAIMS)
What I'll do to that lad!
You'll do nothing with him.
I'll deal with you in the morning.
I'm going to bed.
Aye, lass, let's go to bed.
# We're rootin' shootin' guys
from Idaho #
What happens to the girl that wears
woollen tramlines?
(ALARM RINGING)
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN FIRING)
Wrong number!
(ALARM CONTINUES RINGING)
(ALARM STOPS RINGING)
Looks like rain.
Aye.
But you still charge a shilling a quart
for it though.
Hi.
Hiya.
- Hiya!
- Well...
Well, what are you doing here?
Listen, sweetie pie,
I'll ask the questions.
Tell me what joint is this?
Joint?
Well, you know, address.
Oh! 13 Meriwether Street.
13 Meriwether Street.
Well, that seems to ring a bell.
Oh, my head.
What's the matter, are you ill?
I think something must have hit me.
Something has hit me.
MAGGIE: What do you think
you're playing at?
Mum, look! It's him!
Nothing would surprise me.
Go and get dressed!
- But how did he get in here?
- Go and get dressed!
- What's he doing there?
- Go and get dressed.
(WILLIE MOANING)
Well...
No.
Oh, so you've come to, have you?
Uh, have I?
Feeling a bit sorry for yourself,
no doubt.
I am?
Well, I thought you might be.
I don't know what I'm going to do
with you, Willie Higginbotham.
You make me fair sick.
You don't seem to care at all.
You'd dance on the grave,
that's what you'd do.
Hey, love, you know I can't dance.
Don't try and be funny.
- How did he get in here?
- I don't know.
He's been out shooting guys
or something.
Well, he can shoot himself right out
of here and quick!
Put that cloth on the table.
Maggie Ann...
Well, what is it now?
I'm very sorry about last night.
Oh, you're sorry, are you?
I suppose I'm very glad.
It's more like a bloody groundsheet...
Language.
Don't be nasty, love.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Really, I didn't.
No?
I just wanted to tell you
how it happened.
It all come about through me being
a bit hurt.
Oh, you were a bit hurt, were you?
Aye, well, it were only natural.
I come back home here
after all that time abroad
and you don't seem to bother with me.
You know, don't care whether
I've come back or not.
And then on top of it all,
on me first night home
you go off to the pictures with
Roger the lodger.
Well, it proper upset me.
And another thing, Maggie Ann,
always ordering on me about.
I don't like it.
No.
I know you always used to do it
in the old days
and I didn't seem to mind it
so much then.
But when a chap's been in the army
and knocked about the world a bit,
he gets a bit independent-like
and it doesn't come very acceptable.
Oh, doesn't it?
I'm not saying this to start
any more bother, love.
We had enough of that last night,
didn't we, eh?
Eh, we had enough bother last night,
didn't we, eh?
(EXCLAIMS)
I'm just telling you how I feel.
I think you've a right to know.
Well, that's very kind of you, I'm sure.
You see, I... I love you, Maggie Ann.
I love you very much.
- I suppose you do.
- But when you start saying,
"Put that cloth on
and go and do the washing up."
Well, it goes against the grain
and I get a bit obstinate-like.
Well, I suppose I have been
a bit hard on you.
But have you ever stopped to consider
my point of view?
- Have you got one?
- I have that!
When war started,
we'd been married nearly 15 years.
When we got wed,
I was looking forward to us getting on.
I thought maybe we'd save a bit of money
and buy a car
or perhaps move into a bigger house
with a nice garden.
But what happened?
We never moved an inch.
When the war broke out,
you were still earning the same money.
Why, even the furniture, the bulk of it,
was left me by my Aunt Fanny.
What have you provided?
Well there's that China dog
on bedroom mantelpiece.
And picture of Love Locked Out...
You won those at hoopla
in the fairground at Blackpool.
Oh, no. it's the same in civilian life
as in the army.
Do you get on? No.
You're still a private.
Nay, love, I would have got
promotion only...
Well...
Officer was a bit jealous of me.
İt's no good making excuses, Willie lad.
Roger doesn't make excuses.
I was wondering when he was
gonna get dragged into it.
Look here, you didn't fall in love
with him, did you, Maggie Ann?
Well, what I like about him,
he's a go-getter.
He'll get somewhere.
Ah, he'll get somewhere.
My guess is Dartmoor.
He's a better man than you,
Willie Higginbotham.
All right,
if you want Roger the lodger...
- I don't, I never said...
- Don't interrupt.
Understand one thing once and for all.
As long as I am here,
I am going to be master, see?
Morning, all.
Oh, hello, Roger.
You're in time for breakfast.
Do you fancy fried fish?
He looks like boiled cod.
I'm afraid I'm too busy,
I've got to get to work.
I've a lot of business ahead of me
this morning. Key man, that's me.
Oh, right, key man, eh?
Well, go and pick a few locks.
You think you're very clever, don't you?
At least he's going to work,
which is more than you ever do.
Well, I can work, too, can't I?
Can you? I wouldn't know.
You haven't for six years.
Well, you've had my army allowance,
haven't you?
You don't suppose that was gonna keep
all of us, do you?
Oh, I'm fed up of the whole thing!
All right, so am I. I'm clearing out.
- You're doing what?
- I'm clearing out.
That's what I'm doing.
I come back home here after six years
and what do I find?
I don't matter to any of you.
I'm just in everybody's way.
Well, I'm going to be in anybody's way
any longer.
I'm going.
What's all the noise about?
It's all right, Ma. I'm popping off.
What's dropping off?
(GROANING)
(WHINING) Ee, I do feel awful.
You look terrible.
Come here, lad.
What?
My shirts haven't come back
from the laundry this week.
Why not?
Because I didn't send any!
(CRYING)
Well, I'll be a prairie oyster. if that
isn't my little gal from the Palais.
Mum, it's the boy
I was telling you about last night.
You know, it's my hero!
You're welcome.
It is you.
Yes.
Gee, baby!
Boy, what a break for me you being here.
Well, what made you come here?
I'm looking for some guy
called Higgin something.
Higginbotham?
Yeah, yeah, Higgin something.
Only I forgot the "botham" part.
Hey, your dad's name is Higginbotham.
That's right.
Holy mackerel!
We've got to get him back.
I remember now,
I've got an important letter for him.
Oh, well, you can leave it here and go.
İf I know Willie Higginbotham,
he'll soon be back.
Did you ever hear Willie
talk about his Uncle Elias?
Why, he was
one of the richest men in Texas.
I know. I worked for him.
What's that got to do with our Willie?
Well, you see, Uncle Elias,
he died and he's left Willie his ranch.
What's that?
A ranch? What's it worth?
Ooh, about £40,000 English I guess.
£40,000!
And he's run away!
- But where do you come in?
- Well, now, it's like this.
You see, before I joined the army,
I worked in this old guy's ranch.
Well, when after I was drafted,
I went down there to say goodbye to him
and I found him on his deathbed.
And he said to me, "Tex", he said,
"When you get to the old country,
"I want you to go and I want you to
look up my nephew, Willie Higginbotham.
"Tell him he's the only relative
I've got left in the world.
"I give a damn about
"and when I'm gone
he's getting everything I got."
Well, just before I sailed he died
and the attorneys asked me to come along
and give Willie this letter.
Then Dad gets all that money.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Well, I ain't so sure about that, baby.
How do you mean?
Well, it ain't so easy for a guy to ask
a rich man's daughter to marry him.
You mean, you're asking me to marry you?
That's the rough idea.
Well, we're not certain yet
whether Dad is rich.
Rich or poor, baby, I don't care.
Oh, Tex.
Never mind that. What's in the letter?
"Dear Mr Higginbotham,
"we regret to have to inform you of
"the death of your uncle
Elias Higginbotham,
"of the Bar-H Ranch, Doublecreek, Texas.
"In accordance with the deceased will,
you are the sole (STUTTERS) legatee."
EUNICE: Oh, that means we get the money.
Oh. "Will you kindly take
the opportunity of communicating with us
"and putting us in touch
with your solicitors."
We've got no solicitors.
"So that the legal formalities
of establishing your claim
"may be dealt with."
"Yours faithfully,
Steer, Steer, Heifer & Steer."
Which one signed it?
Bullock.
Then this means we're really rich.
- Not yet, you ain't, baby.
- What do you mean?
Not till you find Willie.
Oh, we've got to find him.
You'll help us, Tex?
Not till you promise to marry me.
Find Dad and I will.
Attagirl, we're on the trail.
Willie Higginbotham, here I come.
Private Willie Higginbotham live here?
He did.
Don't tell me he's wanted by the police.
He certainly is.
Well, I want him more than the police,
if you can ever find him.
Don't worry, missus, we'll find him.
I'll bet he was after your Willie.
I wonder what could have
happened to him, Mother.
Eh, I don't know.
I'm hoping for the worst.
I'm worrying what's happened
to our Eunice.
Oh, she's all right.
She's out with Tex looking for Willie.
She's all right. She's safe enough.
Safe? With an American soldier? (SCOFFS)
I wouldn't feel safe meself.
Oh, we shouldn't doing this, Tex.
We didn't come here for this.
Speak for yourself, baby.
Well, don't you think we'd better start
looking for Dad?
You never know,
he might pass this way any minute.
Oh, Tex, no more, please.
# Why does this feeling warm my heart?
# Like champagne starting to fizz
# Can it be love?
It can
I think it is.
# And what are these strange vibrations?
# Like a G string on a guitar
# Can they be thrills?
They can.
My gosh they are.
# Now, I mustn't forget
# That this kind of song
# Must always contain that line
# About unfamiliar reactions
# In the name of the smile
# And why do I sigh and think of you?
# Then think of you and then sigh
# Can it be love?
# But what do you think? #
I think it can.
So do I.
Baby, I think we'd better find your dad.
Sit down, Joe.
Waiter!
Didn't you hear me calling you, waiter?
Que voulez-vous, monsieur?
Three large scotches.
Oui, oui.
Terrible service, you know.
Country's full of damn foreigners.
That'll make the driver sleep
for a fortnight.
Pity you're telling me.
Now this is the drill, Joe.
The lorry leaves the tobacco factory
at 3:00,
loaded to the roof with
cigarettes and tobacco,
and gets to your place about 4:30.
Now, the driver comes in for
a cup of char
and we're waiting to give him
a Mickey Finn out of this flask.
As soon as he's out,
we drive off with the lorry
unload it at Harry's garage,
ditch the lorry and Bob's your uncle.
Waiter, soda!
Garqon!
Soda.
İf I catch that blasted fella
I'll boil him in his own spaghetti!
Ah, forget it.
Let's get cracking to my place
and we'll do the lorry driver.
(RINGING BELL)
Hey, stop thief!
Whoa!
Just a minute.
We understand there's
a William Higginbotham working here.
(HORN BLARING)
Hey! Well I...
Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs.
Of all the 'orrible, unsociable
and disobliging...
(JEEP HONKING)
Joe's Cafe, quick!
Well I'll be... Hey, Willie boy!
Hey, pal, we've got news for you.
Daddy, we're rich! Tell him, Tex.
Yeah, you see, Fred, it's like this...
Never mind about that now.
Do you know Joe's Cafe?
- Yeah.
- Well, get weaving.
Who are we after?
Roger the lodger, drive like the devil.
YOU going far?
Far enough with that load outside.
Ooh, you could do with
another livener, then.
Thank you, mate. This is good stuff.
- Oh, smashing.
- What are you carrying?
Baccy and cigarettes. Millions of them.
Makes you sick, don't it?
(LAUGHS) It certainly does. Good boy.
Ave aye, scarper!
Hey, do you want any help, pal?
No, this is a private fight!
Okay.
Hey, is that your lorry outside?
Well, you've been got at.
Blimey!
Hey, stop thief! Stop thief!
- I shan't be a minute.
- Where are you going?
Round to my lodgings to pick up a bag.
Give her my love.
I'll see you around at Harry's garage.
Solong.
You're wanting your supper,
you're going to be unlucky
'cause it's not ready.
I don't want any supper.
I'm packing up.
Blacking up? What for?
Is he joining minstrel show?
Where are you going?
As far as I can get away from this dump.
Packing up, is he?
I don't want him
pinching me knick-knacks.
If you're bluffing, you're for it.
Oh, Willie, you've come home!
You've come back to me.
What have you done?
Police are after you.
(SHUSHING)
So you're Private William Higginbotham.
- What of it?
- Is this your case?
I think so.
You're not a doctor, are you?
Ee, I must have left mine in t'train.
There are 20 vials of phenobarbitone
in here.
Whatever is that?
A dangerous drug, madam.
Oh, Dad, you are careless.
We might all have been blown up.
I thought I recognised that face.
Just a minute.
Oh!
(ALL SCREAMING)
What's that, half-time?
(ROGER EXCLAIMING)
(COUGHING)
Well, if it isn't Slippery Jake.
Alias Silky Sam,
alias Johnny the Blooper.
Alias Roger the Lodger.
All right, I'll go quietly. Oh!
I'll give you a bit of
private information, Mrs Higginbotham.
You're husband's been demobbed.
Discharged from the army
with a first-rate character.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
MAGGIE: Lovely.
Good luck to you, Higginbotham.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, thanks for all your trouble.
Take good care of Roger.
Don't put him in a damp cell.
He's got cold feet.
His wife and kids will be glad
they hear he's turned up.
Wife and kids!
Hey, give my love to Mrs Alias
and all the little alibis.
Ah, shut up, you elongated toerag.
What's upset you, lass?
So he was married?
Well, that shouldn't make you miserable.
I'm not miserable.
But you're crying.
(CRYING) I'm not crying.
It's only that I'm...
I'm so happy.
Well, if you get much happier
you'll die of grief.
I'm so ashamed the way I behaved
about Roger.
Oh, you have nothing to be
ashamed of, love.
No, course you haven't.
Or have you?
Willie Higginbotham!
What are you insinuating?
Nothing, love, nothing.
What I mean is,
I don't really blame Roger.
Why, I could fall for you meself
if your husband wasn't about.
Do you mean it?
Course I mean it.
And I wouldn't take no for an answer.
What with your husband
thousands of miles overseas,
I'd be a mug to miss a chance like that.
But my husband isn't
thousands of miles overseas,
my husband's come back.
Oh, has he?
That makes things a bit awkward,
doesn't it?
Awkward? Why?
Huh?
Oh! I see what you mean.
Of course, I was forgetting.
I am your husband, aren't I?
Oh, Willie.
You'll have to tie me around
your little finger.
And I will.
WILLIE: # Now here we are in Texas
on the range
EUNICE: # For folks from Lancashire
it's very strange
GRAN NY: # Tripe and onions
we've forsaken
MAGGIE: # We'll be eating beans
and bacon
ALL: # We are here in Texas
on the range
# Here we are in Texas on the range
# On the range
# For folks from Lancashire
it's very strange
# Very strange
# Tripe and onions we've forsaken
# We'll be eating beans and bacon
# We are here in Texas on the range #
(ALL WHOOPING)
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Pass.
(CHUCKLES) How do, lads?
Is anyone sitting here?
Yes, the invisible man.
No, no, I mean, can I sit here?
I don't know, try it and see.
It's grand to be back home again.
Glad you think so.
(EXCLAIMS) Those handcuffs?
Nah, we was born like this.
We're Siamese twins.
- Nice day.
- Hmm. What? What?
I said it was a nice day.
Yes. Yes, I can see it is.
Playing cards?
- Nah, association football.
- Oh!
- Solo.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Abundance.
Misére.
Here, wait a minute. Who goes what?
- Well, I passed.
- Well, so did I.
Call again.
- Solo.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Abundance.
Misére.
Here. What's the game?
Someone called twice.
- Not me.
- I went abundance.
Well, I went solo.
- Who said misére?
- I did.
Well, keep your blooming trap shut.
Deal again.
Here. What's the game? I've got
a cert bundle here. Pick 'em up.
- Well, it was his fault.
- Pick 'em up. Pick 'em up.
Oh dear, no seats in here either.
That's all right, missus,
you can have mine.
Oh, thank you so much.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)
- But, Ma, I want to sit down.
- Now, Vernon. Be a good boy.
And perhaps the nice kind sergeant
will let you sit on his knee.
But I don't want to sit on his knee.
I'm very glad to hear it.
'Cause you ain't gonna sit
on the nice sergeant's knee.
Sergeant, he looks a nice little lad.
Here. You keep out of it.
I've heard enough of you.
Hey, sarge.
What, again?
Well, I can't help it.
I'm not a blinkin' camel.
Come on, then, you stupid...
What a funny looking man.
Vernon, don't be rude to the gentleman.
Oh, that's all right, missus.
I think he's a very well behaved
little lad.
Yes, he's no trouble.
Just a teeny-weeny bit playful,
that's all.
Ah, well, all kids are, aren't they?
They wouldn't be human if they weren't.
You've got children of your own?
Aye, I have that. Two.
A little lad and a little lass.
I can't wait until I see them again.
- Been away long?
- Six years.
(GASPS)
That's a long time, isn't it?
There they are.
Oh, what nice kids.
What a funny looking dustbin.
That's not a dustbin.
That's me mother-in-law.
- You like my tie?
- Aye, it's very nice, isn't it?
(CRIES OUT)
(SHOUTS)
Clumsy thing, you.
Now look what you've done,
you've knocked me wool on the floor.
I'm sorry, love. It was an accident.
I'll find it for you.
Blimey! What, you again?
What are you doing down there?
If you say getting up I'll give you
a slap right round the kip.
- Now, get inside.
- Can't I have any peace?
Move up, ma'am.
(GROANING)
- I want to play cards.
- No, Vernon!
But I want to play cards.
Never mind about cards, Vernon.
You stick to your pools.
But I can play Happy Families.
If you don't keep quiet, there'll be
a very unhappy family and you won't know
-how unhappy they are.
- But I want...
Can't you keep
this little scorpion quiet?
- Keep quiet, Vernon.
- No chance of that.
He's no trouble at all, is he?
He's not usually like this.
I can't think what's come over
the little fellow today.
He must be overtired.
(WHISTLES)
Madam, can't you make
that wretched child behave?
Vernon, behave!
Eh, that's a handy little gadget.
Let's have a look at it.
(CHUCKLES)
What is this, a lunatic asylum?
Haven't you grown up yet?
Don't you hit my Vernon!
Vernon, say you're sorry
to the nice kind sergeant.
- Sorry, sarge.
- All right, son,
but don't do it again, that's all.
Why don't you give the gentlemen
a sweet?
I've got some Turkish Delight.
Want one, Tish?
Yes.
How about you, Tosh?
You, Tosh?
Blimey! It's soap.
Excuse me, madam.
Good heavens! Smallpox!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL CLAMOURING)
MAN: Oh, shut up!
Oh, my poor boy. Doctor, you must
do something for my child. Please!
Hey, you've got the wrong case.
Hey, my case.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
My Case!
My Case!
My Case!
(FAINTLY) My cage!
There's Mrs Barton
going into number nine.
She don't look long for this world.
Proper haggard, she looks.
I suppose it's worrying
over her husband going overseas.
Well, my husband's been overseas
for six years.
But I haven't worried myself
into the grave over it.
Oh, him. Huh! He's different.
There's that Mrs Emmett
going up the road.
Her that's just got married.
Oh, she made a lovely bride.
She did look happy.
Happy?
I wouldn't say she looked happy.
Relieved, you might say. Not happy.
Mum!
Hello, Son. What is it?
You're back early.
Aye, I've got some wonderful news
for you.
- Oh, what is it?
- I've got the sack.
I'm fired.
Now I can go to t'dogs every day.
Hey, this is my lucky day,
that's what it is.
Ee, it's not fair.
If he can get the sack, so can I.
Why should I have to work?
Be quiet, the pair of you.
All you think about is going
to dogs, Palais, and pictures.
While I stay at home
scrubbing and slaving for you.
What for, I'd like to know.
What have I got?
- Roger.
- The lodger.
Ee, Mum, look at Rita.
Did you ever go out with boys
when you were a girl?
Don't be so daft, of course...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I did once.
And did you suffer for it?
I married your father, didn't I?
Don't bother to set a place for me,
Mother.
Why not, love?
I'm going to Palais with Charley Farley.
Oh, have a bit of something
before you go, won't you?
- No, I haven't time.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Postman.
Oh, if it's anything for me
don't open it. It's private.
Ah, private's right.
It's from Private Higginbotham.
Oh, I'll bet he'll be wanting something
or he wouldn't be writing.
"My dear Maggie Ann.
"Hoping you're in the pink,
as it leaves me the same.
"I've had a long dose of CB
which is very catching,
"but I'm all right now.
"I'm coming home on leave.
Isn't it smashing?
"I haven't changed much
as the launder is very difficult.
"I'm still wearing the same socks
you knitted me when I went away.
"And I've become quite attached to them.
"Love to you and the kids
and the old warhorse.
"Is she still with you? I hope not.
"Yours as before, Willie.
"PS, if I get home before this letter,
don't bother to read it."
Well!
Your father's on his way home.
Well, I'm on me way out.
Got a date with Clarice Harris.
Don't you want any tea either?
No thanks, Mum.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(BAND PLAYING HOME SWEET HOME)
(BAND PLAYING
FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW)
(CROWD CHEERING)
- How are you, love?
- Hello.
Ee, it's Willie Higginbotham.
(DOOR OPENING)
Anybody at home?
I've come back.
(PLAYS HORN)
Oh, so it's you, is it?
Hello, Maggie Ann. Here I am at last.
I heard you, blowing your own trumpet.
- Aren't you glad to see me?
- Well, I don't rightly know.
Well, give us a kiss
while you think it over.
Oh, aye.
Ee, I've waited six years for that.
You've been drinking.
I've just had one or two
with the lads to celebrate.
I don't see any flags out here.
We've got no flags. Besides,
we didn't know you were coming back.
- Well, didn't you get my letter?
- Five minutes ago.
- You haven't changed much.
- No, and neither have you.
Why, you're just as lovely as you were
when I went away.
- Hmm. I wish you meant it.
- I do mean it.
You do look nice, really you do.
After knocking about all over the world
and seeing different sorts of women,
you know, yellow women
and black women...
Oh, so you've been messing about
with black women, have you?
I haven't been messing about
with black women.
Oh, yes, you have, you've just said so.
Oh, you're starting already, are you?
I'm not starting anything,
but I'm not going to be compared
with black women, and that's that.
I didn't mean it.
Ee. What's all the noise about?
Nothing, Mother. Nothing.
Listen, love, don't let's start
quarrelling the minute I get back.
- I don't want to quarrel, I'm sure.
- Oh, neither do I.
All I want's a bit of peace and quiet.
There goes Mrs Jepson.
She's going to have a baby
according to Mrs Harris.
Going to have a baby?
Well!
Well, don't look at me.
I've been away for six years.
Disgraceful, I call it.
Having a baby and her husband's
been overseas two and half years.
Well, there's nothing in that.
There's two and a half years between
our Eunice and our Norman.
(GIGGLES)
I think the sun's got to your head.
Well, Mum, what about it?
Well, I never...
Are you going to a funeral?
Take no notice. It's only your father.
Why, it's right...smart.
Hello, stranger.
Been making a bit of a career
for yourself in Korea?
(LAUGHS)
No, I just committed suicide
on the Suez side.
Oh, right. Good, Dad. Right snappy.
Well, you're growing quite a big lad.
Are you working
or is that a rude question?
Well, not at the moment.
Just looking out for good openings.
All right. That's what the rabbit
said to the greyhound.
- I don't get it.
- Too snappy for you?
Ah, well, sorry I can't stop.
Where are you going, lad?
Round to Clarice Harris's.
They're holding a big party tonight.
Her dad's just come back from overseas.
It must be nice when their dad's
come back from...
Oh, well.
Do you know what happens to a girl
who wears woollen stockings?
No, what?
Nothing!
(LAUGHS)
(WOLF WHISTLE)
Mother. How do I look?
Ee, it's most becoming.
It'll be coming off in a minute.
- Oh, here's your dad back.
- Hello, Dad.
- Where are you going, lass?
- I'm going out.
I didn't think you were
gonna crawl up the chimney.
Hey, does she have to put
all this muck on her face?
She's grown up now, you know.
You can't treat her like a kid.
I've a right to know where
me own daughter is going, haven't I?
She's not 21 yet.
He asked me last night, Mother.
- Who did?
- Charley Farley.
Asked you what?
To marry him, of course.
What do you think?
Well, I never did. And will you?
I think so.
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
He'll have to keep you.
He knows that, I suppose.
- Aye, he wants to.
- He must be crackers.
- Hey, don't I get consulted about this?
- About what?
- About our Eunice getting wed.
- I don't see why you should.
She's known Charley Farley
along time now. Haven't you, love?
Aye, six weeks.
Hey, hey, hey.
Who is this Charley Farley?
- That's what I want to know.
- A chap.
I know he's a chap, you don't think
I thought he was a greyhound, do you?
- Oh, that's his job.
- What is?
Greyhounds, the dog track.
Oh, eh, he works at a dog track,
does he?
And what does he do at the dog track?
Goes round with a brush and shovel,
I suppose.
No, he doesn't. He's got a good job.
- Why isn't he in the army?
- He's graded.
He's got a fatty heart and flat feet.
Ee, but he's ever so nice.
He's got a fatty heart and flat feet.
But he's ever so nice.
That settles it.
I'm not having any daughter of mine
getting married to a fellow
with a flat heart and fatty feet
that works at a dog track.
What you want and what I want
are very different things.
I've been running the family
while you've been away.
And I'll not have you interfering,
now you've come back.
I don't see why I shouldn't marry
Charley Farley.
I shall have to marry someone,
I suppose, and he's as good as anybody.
- Anyway, he's got ambitions.
- Oh, has he?
He wants to marry me
and have a big family.
Oh, does he?
Well, she can get that idea
right out of her head.
I'm not going to be cluttered up
for the rest of my life
with a lot of little Charley Farleys
running around
with fatty hearts and flat feet.
And furthermore,
you haven't told me where
you're going yet dressed up like that.
Well, if you must know,
I'm going to meet him at the Palais.
- At what?
- EUNICE: At the Palais.
I saw one once.
- Saw what, Mother?
- A ballet.
It was at the old Theatre Royal,
in the pantomime.
It had a lovely
transformation scene, too.
Nobody's talking about ballets.
Our Eunice is going to the Palais,
the dance hall.
Why don't she speak plain English?
Nobody's talking to you anyroad.
Don't you talk to my mother like that.
Well, let her keep out of this.
Hey, what's this Palais
you're going to anyway?
The Palais de dance, I work there.
- What at?
- Jitterbugging.
Jitter-what-ing?
- Jitterbugging.
- What-a-bugging?
- Jitterbugging.
Ee, what 'orrible language.
What the blazes is jitterbugging?
(SIGHS)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
RADIO ANNOUNCER: We are interrupting
our programme of dance music
for a special announcement.
A case belonging to a doctor and
containing 20 vials of phenobarbitone
was taken by mistake...
(SWITCHES RADIO OFF)
Ta-ta, love. Don't be late home.
And don't smoke too many cigarettes,
it'll give you a bad colour.
One more colour on her face
wouldn't make much difference.
- So you smoke cigarettes now, do you?
- Yes, I do. So what?
So what? So what, what?
So what, nothing. I just said,
"So what?"
I know you did,
what are you talking about?
You can't say, "So what, nothing."
You're asking a question, aren't you?
Where's your grammar?
Ee, you're a proper little
devil getting, aren't you?
Making up and smoking cigarettes.
You'll be drinking next.
- Aye, I do that, too.
- Hmm?
And I shall probably have
a couple of small Ports
with Charley Farley tonight.
- Well, TTFN.
- TTFN? What's that?
Ta-ta for now.
Well, DGQD.
What's DGQD?
Don't go quite daft.
- Give my love to Roger, Ma.
- Okay, darling.
Don't be late.
- Who's Roger?
- The lodger.
Oh, aye, the lodger.
What's he like, Maggie?
He's a fine man, that's what he is.
Works hard and earns good money.
- What doing?
- Big business.
He's a key man.
Now, give us one
from under the counter, Joe.
Ta.
Hey, Roger.
You know that youngest lad of ours,
young Sammy?
He a bright lad, he is.
You ought to get him in the business.
Tether day he sad to me,
"Dad, what's the letter on the back of
the car?" The letter
I said, "It's for learner."
Today, he says, "That car
with the 'I' on the back,
"now it's got 'GB' on it. Does that mean
the driver's getting better?"
(LAUGHS)
GB, getting better.
(LAUGHS)
He's a bright lad, is our Sammy.
Very good, very good indeed.
Checked up on that lorry for you, guv.
Leaves the factory at 3:00,
passes here about 4:30.
Thanks. Cop.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Thanks, dear.
- Here's your cut on the nylons, Joe.
- Oh, thanks.
You (CLEARS THROAT)
don't waste much time, do you?
Ah, that's chicken feed.
(LAUGHS) Chicken feed.
- How's business?
- Booming.
As a matter of fact, I've got
something really big up soon.
Fags, billions of fags.
- Can you drive a lorry, Joe?
- Drive anything on four wheels.
That's me boy. Now, look,
I'll give you the low-down later.
I'm taking my landlady
to the pictures tonight.
I don't know why you hang out after her,
she ain't got no dough, has she?
She's got plenty of ray-me.
(WOLF WHISTLE)
Besides, gives me a nice
respectable background.
Oi, oi.
- You don't mind, do you, Joe?
- No, it's all right.
- Good night, mate.
- Good night.
Oh, Willie, you're in my way.
Come out of it.
(WILLIE MUMBLES)
Sit down while I get Roger's tea.
You can have yours later.
- After Roger's finished.
- That's right.
-İf there's any left.
- That's right.
I expect he'll be hungry.
Why, does he work
in the Ministry of Food?
No, he's in rearmaments.
In rearmaments, I'll bet he is.
Oh, he'll want his tea early tonight.
He's going to the flick.
I do wish he'd come in.
I'll never get washed up in time.
Well, there's no hurry.
You've got all night, haven't you?
That is unless Roger's
taking you with him to the flicks.
- That's exactly what he is doing.
- Ah!
What?
You don't mean to say
you go out to the pictures
with Roger the lodger, do you?
There's no harm in a gentleman
taking a lady to the pictures, I hope.
Oh, I suppose not,
as long as it stops at that.
What do you care what I do?
You've been away for six years!
And I don't suppose you've even
brought me back a present.
That's where you're wrong,
just what I have done.
- What have you brought me?
- A brand new dress.
A new dress!
Aye, all the way
from the glamorous East.
Here it is.
You wear the flowers to cover your top
and the skirt to cover the rest of you.
(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)
Am I supposed to go around
in a thing like that?
Why not?
It's ladies fashion in Bonga Wonga.
This isn't Bonga Wonga.
Expecting me to go around
in a grass skirt and a ring of roses.
Well, Eve only had a fig leaf,
and she didn't grumble.
She had Adam.
Aye, and you've got Willie Higginbotham.
And a couple of kids
you seem to have forgotten.
Oh, no, I haven't.
I've got presents for them and all.
Have you brought those back
for our kids?
Aye.
I didn't realise they'd grown so big.
Well, you didn't suppose
they'd grow any smaller, did you?
It didn't occur to me.
Hey!
It shoots muck out at back.
Look.
MAGGIE: What do you think you're doing?
# I wish there were no prisons
I do, I do
# For Oakum picking gives me a licking
# But I'm rather fond of
a little bit of nicking in the end #
(CHUCKLES)
Hello, hello, hello.
How are you, Maggie?
Look what I've brought you.
You've got a visitor, I see.
Oh, (CLEARS THROAT)
Roger, this is Willie, my husband.
- Willie, this is Roger.
- Oh, aye, the lodger.
How do? Playing with your toys?
Feeling peckish, Roger?
(CHUCKLES) I'm all ready
for a bit of your cooking, Maggie.
You know, I would say,
if you hadn't tasted Maggie's tripe,
you don't know what tripe is.
(LAUGHS)
You're talking a lot of tripe,
I know that.
Sit down, Roger, I won't be a minute.
I'm just brewing tea.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(WATER RUNNING)
(WHISTLES)
- Get up, Willie!
- What for?
- You're on Roger's chair.
- Well, I'll be...
Get up, Willie, Roger's tired.
Sit down, Roger, I won't be a minute.
(SIGHING)
Make yourself at home.
(LAUGHS) I am at home.
(WATER RUNNING)
You've been working pretty hard,
I suppose.
Well, we keep on doing our bit,
you know.
Still got to keep
the lads in Korea going.
Oh, aye, you got to keep them going.
And you're taking my wife
to the pictures tonight.
- Yes. You don't mind, do you, old man?
- No, no, no, no, no.
You know,
when you've been working hard all day,
you feel like a bit of relaxation
in the evening.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes-
It's no good knocking yourself out now,
is it?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
All work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy, you know.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Of course.
I wanted to join the army
but they wouldn't let me go.
- Wouldn't they?
- Nah.
- I'm in a reserved occupation.
- Oh, aye.
You know, it's one of the... Oh, ta.
One of the biggest regrets of my life
that I wasn't over there
knocking the stuffing out of them Nazis.
Oh, you would have loved it.
Still, somebody's got to do the work,
old man.
Somebody's got to turn out
the armaments.
Aye. Otherwise you wouldn't be able
to have any more nice wars, would you?
- What do you mean?
- Come and get your tea, Roger.
You're having the usual cup of char,
aren't you?
Oh, I'll have a cup to keep you company.
But I've had a good lunch.
- I had a smashing lunch, too.
- I never had any lunch at all.
Two egg and bubble, four dripping,
sultana pud and two cups of Rosie Lee.
Tasty!
We had a couple of faggots, Norm and I,
with some fried potatoes
and tinned peas. Lovely!
I had a meat pie
with no meat in it. Lousy!
- How are the sausages, Roger?
- Uh, thoroughbreds.
Not my idea of a tea, you know.
İf there's one thing I like more than
another, it's a nice bit of cold ham.
- Oh, aye. But look at the price.
- Oh, I'm not blaming you.
I think you do very well here,
considering.
You don't do so badly yourself.
What the devil
you think you're playing at?
- I'm sorry. Did I splash you?
- Of course you did.
I'll wipe you down.
Now, come on be a sport.
Don't do that! I've got to eat those!
God. I've never seen anything like it
in me life, you fathead.
Oh, what a shame! Cat won't eat it now.
Oh, I'll get my hat and coat on
or we'll be late for the pictures.
What are you looking so miserable about?
You don't mind my going
to the pictures with Roger, do you?
No, I suppose not.
I just thought that as it was
me first night back home
you might've liked to stop in for a bit.
Or else come out with me, love.
Oh, well, we made our arrangements now.
You don't want me to disappoint Roger,
do you?
You must be tired after your long
journey, old man. You take it easy.
I'll tell you what.
You can have my chair if you like.
- Oh, thanks very much.
- Till I come home. Ready, Mag?
Clear Roger's tea things away
and wash up and don't break anything.
Here, what about my tea?
Oh, there's some corned beef
in the larder. You can have that.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC)
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Scram!
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
- Whoopee, have a shot of this.
- What's that?
Baby, one shot of that
and you'll spit in the eye of a tiger.
- Ooh, no, I couldn't.
- Oh, come on.
No, I don't like whisky.
But you got to have something.
I can't drink on my own.
Well, I don't know what to have.
I'm so hot.
(CHUCKLES) Baby, you sure said it.
Well, I think I'll have a nice
long cool drink.
Yeah, I know. Something long
and cold and bitter.
BARTENDER: Take my wife.
Baby, when you look at me like that,
I get goose pimples on my goose pimples.
Oh, go on,
you Americans are all like that.
(CHUCKLES) Well,
we all got two things in common and...
- Well, one of them's drink.
- What's the other?
- Baby, you got me coming and going.
- Let's dance again, shall we?
No. No, the weather's too rough.
I got to go.
- Oh. Well, I don't want to go yet.
- That's right. You stay here, baby.
I'm on a secret mission.
Man about a dog.
Oh. Oh, can't I go with you
to see the man about the dog?
No. No, I'm sorry, baby.
The dog might bite you.
So long, beautiful. I'll be seeing you.
Well, I like that!
Cinderella, that's me.
Cinder-ruddy-rella.
The ugly sisters have gone
to the blinkin' ball
and left me to do
the fiddlin' washing up.
And I don't see
any flippin' fairy godmother.
(SNORING)
(FLY BUZZING)
(STOPS BUZZING)
(DRUNKENLY) Hey.
Hey, do you where's the home
of a guy called Bittinhogam?
- Who?
- Bothenhagen.
Oh! You mean Higginbotham?
That's what I said, friend.
Bothanhagen!
Aye. That's his house there.
Oh, thanks, pal!
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, that's all right.
Don't stand on ceremony
with Willie Higginbotham.
Just go open the door and walk in.
Oh. Okay, brother.
# We've been driving
through the jungle in Korea
# Scootin' after a lance pioneer
# We're chasing round the border
restoring law and order... #
- Hiya, pal.
- How do?
- Hey, anybody in?
- No.
- Can I do anything for you?
- Yeah, I reckon you can.
Yeah, but I don't remember what it is.
Hey, you're not Charley Farley
by any chance?
No. No, I guess I ain't, pal,
just call me Texas.
That's where I come from.
- Good old Texas, the Lone Star State.
- Uh-huh.
# Restoring law and order
Chasing round the border
# Restoring law and order
Restoring law and order... #
Wait, turn it up. Turn it up.
You'll wake
the whole blooming street up.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, pal.
I just feel kinda happy, that's all.
(LAUGHS) I just got back from Korea.
Have you? That's funny.
I just got back from abroad meself.
You don't say!
Well, now if that ain't a coincidence.
This calls for a little celebration.
Do you like rye?
- Aye.
- Good. Got any glasses?
- I'll get some.
- Superb, boy.
(DRUNKENLY) # Restoring law and order
Restoring law and order
# Restoring law and order... #
Hey, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- What's the matter?
- We've got to be very quiet about this,
you see, me mother-in-law's poorly.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, pal.
Hey, would the old girl
like a shot of this?
- This'll put her to sleep, all right.
- No. No, let's leave her out of it.
Between you and me,
she's a bit of a nagger.
I get you, pal.
I've had a few mothers-in-law myself.
- Up. Here's how.
- Cheerio.
Say, it sort of takes you apart,
doesn't it?
TEX: Hmm.
This is what we used
to call a Leopard Sweat.
(SMACKS LIPS)
# Ooh, it's my wife's lodger
every morning
What's that?
# It's my wife's lodger every morning
# And my wife's lodger every night... #
- Stop that noise!
- Hey, that reminds me,
my old woman's gone off to the pictures
with Roger.
- Who is he?
- The lodger.
# I'm always in trouble
when anything goes wrong
# Goes wrong
# But everything
that Roger does is right
# ls right
WILLIE: # Everything... #
(STOPS SINGING)
Now, tell me, when did you get back?
- Only today.
- Have a nice trip?
No, terrible!
The ship was too uncomfortable.
-(MUMBLING) Uncomfortable. Too full up.
- Mmm.
Hey, 350 junior officers on board
and 11 nursing sisters.
(WHISTLES)
Never have so few
been chased by so many,
for so long for so little.
Okay, pal, so you had a tough time.
Did I ever tell you about the time
I captured an enemy bunker
single-handed?
- No, tell me.
- We're attacking through the jungle.
I get separated from my section.
Where were you?
- I don't know.
- Well, I'll tell you.
I crawled out of a patch of scrub, see.
And there, right in front of me,
is the bunker.
So I grabbed my gun.
And I give them a short burst.
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN)
Then I give them another burst.
Then I leaped into the bunker,
and I give them all I got left.
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN)
TEX: Hey. Hey.
(GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMS)
WILLIE: # Now I've no time for Roger
the lodger
TEX: # The lodger
# I trust him just
as far as I could reach
TEX # I could reach
WILLIE: # He's a codger...
Stop that noise down there!
BOTH: # He's the kind of lodger
# He's Roger the lodger, the leech #
- Hey.
- What?
- Take my daughter.
- Thanks, pal. Where is she?
- Jutterbigging.
- What's that?
It's a new fangled kind of dance.
- You mean boogie-woogie?
- Boogie-woogie? Is that it?
That ain't no boogie-woogie.
It's something about cats and hips, see.
# We're rootin' shootin' guys from Idaho
# A-shootin' all the pirates as we go
# We was up to Yokohama
(RAUCOUS SINGING CONTINUES)
(CRASHING)
- What's that?
- Mice.
With clogs on?
(BOTH GASP)
Ooh, it's me mother-in-law.
Tell her to go chase herself, friend.
Are you a man or a mouse?
- I'm a man, by heck.
- That's my boy.
I'm a man.
(EXHALES)
- Tell her to take a powder.
- Sidley's powder?
Tell her to take a powder!
Oh, aye!
Have a Bob Martin's!
(IMITATES MACHINE GUN)
(WILLIE GROANING)
- That's settled her.
- Swell, boy. Keep it up!
Don't you stand for any of that baloney
from any of them.
Tell them all to scram!
- I think I will.
- Attaboy!
And as for Roger the lodger,
do you know what I'd do about him?
(BOTH IMITATING MACHINE GUN)
And as for the washing up...
Do you know what I'd do
about the washing up?
- No.
- I'd chuck the whole darn lot
out of the window!
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I never thought of that.
- Well, what are we waiting for?
- Let's go, brother.
(EXCLAIMS)
- You can't do that!
- Can't I?
An Englishman's home is his castle.
MAN IN MOVIE: Who could conjure a scene
more beautiful
than these enchanting Hawaiian girls?
Dancing to the strings of native guitar
as those surf-covered breakers
forever keep rolling in
onto those coral-studded beaches.
WOMAN: Ices, cigarettes, chocolates.
- Would you like an ice, Maggie?
- I don't mind if I do.
One, please.
WOMAN: Ices, cigarettes, chocolates.
MAN: Now, with this song in our minds,
we say farewell to lovely Waikiki,
where men are men,
and the women
are constantly reminding them of it.
- Our honeymoon, Maggie.
- Oh, give over, Roger.
Shh!
Turn it up. What's the matter with you?
I don't think I should have left Willie
all on his own tonight, you know.
After all, it is his first night home.
Anyway, let's hope he's getting on
with washing up.
You got to be boss in your own house.
- Get me?
- Getcha!
You don't wanna to stand for any of
that baloney from your wife or the kids.
- Get me?
- Getcha!
- Or the lodger. Get me?
- Getcha!
(SCREAMING)
Oh, dear, dear.
(SOBBING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Willie, let's you and me go out
and get another bottle of rye.
Aye, that's a good idea.
I'm beginning to like this rye.
I'm getting a craving for it.
# Were rootin' shootin' guys from Idaho
# Idaho! Sleeping on... #
Be quiet down there!
Why don't you divorce him, honey,
and marry me?
ACTRESS: Bud, I must have time
to think it over.
ACTOR 1: I'm crazy about you!
Give me a kiss.
Give over, Roger.
ACTOR 1: Gee, baby, you're swell.
I'm crazy about every
little thing about you.
Your hair, your eyes, your neck.
Give over, Roger!
(ALL SHUSHING)
ACTOR 1: Leave him, baby,
and come away with me.
- ACTRESS: No, I can't.
- It's like us, Maggie.
- Why can't you?
- Oh, I'm afraid, Bud.
- He's only a wrestler, ain't he?
- Yeah, Bud.
But a Russian wrestler
and he's so big and strong.
ACTOR 1: Oh, forget it! Come away now.
Will you, baby?
- Gee, I don't know.
- Say you will, baby.
Say you will, Maggie.
Okay, Bud. I'll come.
- There you are, Maggie!
- ACTOR 2: Aha!
ACTRESS: My husband!
ACTOR 1: Who the hell are you?
ACTOR 2: I am Romanov,
the Russian wrestler.
- Who are you?
- ACTOR 1: I am Papanov,
the American sprinter. Good night.
ACTOR '2: Oh, no, you don't.
(GUN FIRES)
- ACTRESS: Oh, Bud!
- He shot him!
- Oh, I...
- Nipped in the bud.
Give over, Roger!
- What's the matter with you?
- Oh. Let's go. Let's go.
Yeah. Let's go get a glass of beer.
Oh, no. Willie will be waiting on me.
Ahh, Willie!
MAN: (IMITATING MAGGIE)
Give over, Roger!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know, pal,
it's kind of cosy the both of us.
- Hey, friend, do you live here?
- Nay, I'm on holiday.
Oh.
- You spend your holidays here?
- Aye.
I haven't had holiday in five years.
I wrote to council
and they told me to take me holidays
at me own convenience.
# Because it's my wife's lodger... #
Well, what's been going on, Mother?
(WHIMPERING) It's murder,
that's what it is.
They've been smashing plates up
between them.
- Who has?
- Willie and another drunk.
I thought it was them coming back.
Oi, they tried to choke me.
- Oh!
- What?
Tried to follow me up the stairs!
Ooh, they didn't get into your bedroom,
did they, Mother?
No! I wouldn't let them.
The lustful hounds.
Oh, never mind, Mother.
Go back to bed, love.
I'll take care of Willie
when he comes in.
(CRYING)
Oh!
(CHUCKLING) This is a nice old carry-on,
I must say.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
- Whisky.
- Empty.
After all I've done for him.
Slaved meself to the bone,
kept the house nice and clean
for him to come back to,
brought his children up.
This is what I get in return.
- You know, Maggie, I've been thinking.
- What about?
- About you and me and him.
- What about us?
He's no good to you, Maggie.
Cut him out right of you life. You know,
like they done at the pictures.
Get rid of him once and for all!
Give him his cards.
- Oh, you don't mean divorce?
- Why not?
Then you and me can get spliced.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I don't know what to think.
Look, you like me, don't you?
- I'm very fond of you, Roger, but...
- I knew it!
And I get on all right with that old...
With your mother, don't I?
- Aye, you do.
- Well, what about it?
(CHUCKLES) You've about
took my breath away.
Oh, no. Girl, you can't come that tone
with me, you know.
I don't know what you mean.
You been nice to me
and I've appreciated you
but you can't say
I've ever let you make love to me.
No, I suppose you haven't really.
You can't say I've ever given you
any encouragement, I'm sure.
No, you have been a bit cold,
I must say. Anyhow, what about it?
Ooh, it's not as easy as all that.
(SIGHS) You see, I've been married
to Willie now for nearly 20 years.
- He's become a sort of habit.
- That's just it. A bad habit.
You want to break yourself of him.
Oh, you can't decide things like that
all in a minute.
- But he... You don't love him, do you?
- Sometimes I think I do.
- Well.
- He's so pathetic.
Like an overgrown school lad.
Ee, sometimes I feel so sorry for him.
And then he goes and behaves
like he's done tonight.
Ooh, I could throttle him!
And another thing, Roger.
I don't know much about you, do I?
You haven't told me anything
about yourself, have you?
Such as?
Whether you've been married,
for one thing.
No, I've never been married.
I don't know why.
It's not that I'm not
the marrying kind, it's...
Well, I suppose I never met
the right girl. Until now.
You don't seem to get any letters,
do you?
No, no, I don't, do I?
Well, you know,
I'm just one of these lonely blokes.
You know, I don't make many friends.
Just go jogging along.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) But we don't want
to get over-sentimental, do we?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, no. Good night, Roger.
Then I take it you've turned me down.
Well, no, Roger.
I wouldn't say that exactly.
Why don't you take
a little thinking over?
But before anything can happen,
I've got to have it out with Willie
about this here carry-on tonight.
Look here,
my Aunt Fanny's best vase, broken.
- Oh.
- Any how, think over what I said.
- And give us a kiss to be going on.
- Not now, Roger. Not now.
Oh, come on, Maggie. Just one for luck.
- Give over, Roger!
- Maggie, listen...
- Who's that?
- Me, Mum.
You're back early from Palais.
- I'm fed up.
- So am I.
And I've had a right do
around here tonight.
I met the most wonderful
American soldier.
I knew it. Tell me the worst.
Well, he was tall and handsome and,
oh, what eyes!
He'd only got to look at you
with those eyes.
Oh, what else would he look
at you with, girl? His teeth?
Ee, I could tell by the way
he was looking at me
just what he was thinking about.
I could tell what he was thinking about
without looking.
Why are you back so early?
Well, he gave me the brush-off
and left me with Charley Farley.
Oh, well, get to your bed
and stop wasting your time
on American soldiers.
- Oh, but this one's different.
- Aye, they're all different in uniform.
But see them without it,
they all look much the same.
- And some look worse than us.
- You've never been in love, have you?
That's not the right question
for a girl to ask her mother.
Well, how could anyone
ever have been in love with Dad?
Don't be daft! Get to your bed
and don't talk a lot of rubbish.
(SIGHS) Poor Ma.
You know, I feel sorry for you.
You don't know what it's like
being in love.
(SIGHS)
It's beautiful.
Love.
BOTH: # He's a dodger, a codger
TEX: # And every kind of... #
(SHUSHING)
- We're home.
- Okay, brother.
- Mustn't wake up me mother-in-law.
- What's the matter? Is she sick?
She may be at death's door.
Don't worry, pal,
we'll pull her through.
- It's locked.
- Are you going to stand for that?
- What?
- Locked out by a lousy lodger.
- Am I?
- Sure you are.
And here's where you show them
who's boss, pal.
Aye, I will.
Open the door, it's the boss.
Open the door, it's the boss!
# Were rootin' shootin' guys from Idaho
# Idaho!
# We've been all the places we go...
# From West Point to Yokohama... #
You are going to be sorry for this,
Willie Higginbotham.
- You and this hooligan you picked up.
- Well, that's my pal.
He's Texas. He's not a...
hoodleoodleoodle... are you, Pal?
- Ma'am, your husband's a hero.
- Yeah, I'll hero him.
- Come on, get him out of this.
- Oh!
Stand by that stuff, friend.
- Tell her where she gets off.
- Aye. This is where you get off.
Stop the bus.
Willie Higginbotham,
what's come over you?
Listen, I'm going to be master
in me own house, see.
And I'm not gonna stand
for any more old buck
from you or from Rumbling Roger.
Or from the kids or from that
old haybag, your mother, upstairs.
- You leave my mother out of this.
- I won't leave her out of it.
I'm fed up of your family.
Your father was just as bad.
My father?
You're starting on him now, are you?
Aye, you're father, what a man he was.
Old Humpty Dumpty.
Never did a stroke of work in his life.
He tried to join the army.
I know he did,
and what did they tell him?
Told him they wanted soldiers
for France, not camels for Egypt.
- Atta boy.
- Come on now, get out!
Give her the works.
Give it the works? I'll give her
the whole bloomin' factory.
You're in no fit condition
to talk tonight.
I'll have this out with you
in the morning.
We'll have nothing out in the morning.
We'll have it out here and now,
while I'm in the mood.
Now then, now then, now then!
What's going on down here? What's all
the row about? What's all the row about?
Oh, Roger. This horrible man,
he's made our Willie drunk.
He has? I'll soon settle him.
Stand back.
Now, now, now, look. You don't want me
to start getting tough now, do you?
You sure said a mouthful, brother.
Now, kid.
What do you think you're doing?
Turn it up!
(SCREAMS) Oh, Roger!
She's fainted!
Eight,
nine, out.
(SNEEZES)
You'll pay for this.
You'll pay for this!
(SLURRING WORDS) Wonderful party
round at Clarice's Harris's.
I know, you've been drinking
with Charley Farley.
You don't look well, Son,
you'd better get up to your bed.
Don't look well, me foot!
He's drunk, that's what he is!
How dare you say it? Our Norman's
never been drunk in his life.
Hasn't he? Well, he's starting now.
Drunk? Who says I'm drunk?
Soberest man at the party.
“No!
'Aye!
While all the others was under t'table,
-I...
- Well...
I was swinging on the chandelabra.
There you are.
(STUTTERING) It's just come through
on t'wireless.
What has?
They've taken up our tramlines
in Manchester.
What for?
They were in the road!
(EXCLAIMS)
What I'll do to that lad!
You'll do nothing with him.
I'll deal with you in the morning.
I'm going to bed.
Aye, lass, let's go to bed.
# We're rootin' shootin' guys
from Idaho #
What happens to the girl that wears
woollen tramlines?
(ALARM RINGING)
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN FIRING)
Wrong number!
(ALARM CONTINUES RINGING)
(ALARM STOPS RINGING)
Looks like rain.
Aye.
But you still charge a shilling a quart
for it though.
Hi.
Hiya.
- Hiya!
- Well...
Well, what are you doing here?
Listen, sweetie pie,
I'll ask the questions.
Tell me what joint is this?
Joint?
Well, you know, address.
Oh! 13 Meriwether Street.
13 Meriwether Street.
Well, that seems to ring a bell.
Oh, my head.
What's the matter, are you ill?
I think something must have hit me.
Something has hit me.
MAGGIE: What do you think
you're playing at?
Mum, look! It's him!
Nothing would surprise me.
Go and get dressed!
- But how did he get in here?
- Go and get dressed!
- What's he doing there?
- Go and get dressed.
(WILLIE MOANING)
Well...
No.
Oh, so you've come to, have you?
Uh, have I?
Feeling a bit sorry for yourself,
no doubt.
I am?
Well, I thought you might be.
I don't know what I'm going to do
with you, Willie Higginbotham.
You make me fair sick.
You don't seem to care at all.
You'd dance on the grave,
that's what you'd do.
Hey, love, you know I can't dance.
Don't try and be funny.
- How did he get in here?
- I don't know.
He's been out shooting guys
or something.
Well, he can shoot himself right out
of here and quick!
Put that cloth on the table.
Maggie Ann...
Well, what is it now?
I'm very sorry about last night.
Oh, you're sorry, are you?
I suppose I'm very glad.
It's more like a bloody groundsheet...
Language.
Don't be nasty, love.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Really, I didn't.
No?
I just wanted to tell you
how it happened.
It all come about through me being
a bit hurt.
Oh, you were a bit hurt, were you?
Aye, well, it were only natural.
I come back home here
after all that time abroad
and you don't seem to bother with me.
You know, don't care whether
I've come back or not.
And then on top of it all,
on me first night home
you go off to the pictures with
Roger the lodger.
Well, it proper upset me.
And another thing, Maggie Ann,
always ordering on me about.
I don't like it.
No.
I know you always used to do it
in the old days
and I didn't seem to mind it
so much then.
But when a chap's been in the army
and knocked about the world a bit,
he gets a bit independent-like
and it doesn't come very acceptable.
Oh, doesn't it?
I'm not saying this to start
any more bother, love.
We had enough of that last night,
didn't we, eh?
Eh, we had enough bother last night,
didn't we, eh?
(EXCLAIMS)
I'm just telling you how I feel.
I think you've a right to know.
Well, that's very kind of you, I'm sure.
You see, I... I love you, Maggie Ann.
I love you very much.
- I suppose you do.
- But when you start saying,
"Put that cloth on
and go and do the washing up."
Well, it goes against the grain
and I get a bit obstinate-like.
Well, I suppose I have been
a bit hard on you.
But have you ever stopped to consider
my point of view?
- Have you got one?
- I have that!
When war started,
we'd been married nearly 15 years.
When we got wed,
I was looking forward to us getting on.
I thought maybe we'd save a bit of money
and buy a car
or perhaps move into a bigger house
with a nice garden.
But what happened?
We never moved an inch.
When the war broke out,
you were still earning the same money.
Why, even the furniture, the bulk of it,
was left me by my Aunt Fanny.
What have you provided?
Well there's that China dog
on bedroom mantelpiece.
And picture of Love Locked Out...
You won those at hoopla
in the fairground at Blackpool.
Oh, no. it's the same in civilian life
as in the army.
Do you get on? No.
You're still a private.
Nay, love, I would have got
promotion only...
Well...
Officer was a bit jealous of me.
İt's no good making excuses, Willie lad.
Roger doesn't make excuses.
I was wondering when he was
gonna get dragged into it.
Look here, you didn't fall in love
with him, did you, Maggie Ann?
Well, what I like about him,
he's a go-getter.
He'll get somewhere.
Ah, he'll get somewhere.
My guess is Dartmoor.
He's a better man than you,
Willie Higginbotham.
All right,
if you want Roger the lodger...
- I don't, I never said...
- Don't interrupt.
Understand one thing once and for all.
As long as I am here,
I am going to be master, see?
Morning, all.
Oh, hello, Roger.
You're in time for breakfast.
Do you fancy fried fish?
He looks like boiled cod.
I'm afraid I'm too busy,
I've got to get to work.
I've a lot of business ahead of me
this morning. Key man, that's me.
Oh, right, key man, eh?
Well, go and pick a few locks.
You think you're very clever, don't you?
At least he's going to work,
which is more than you ever do.
Well, I can work, too, can't I?
Can you? I wouldn't know.
You haven't for six years.
Well, you've had my army allowance,
haven't you?
You don't suppose that was gonna keep
all of us, do you?
Oh, I'm fed up of the whole thing!
All right, so am I. I'm clearing out.
- You're doing what?
- I'm clearing out.
That's what I'm doing.
I come back home here after six years
and what do I find?
I don't matter to any of you.
I'm just in everybody's way.
Well, I'm going to be in anybody's way
any longer.
I'm going.
What's all the noise about?
It's all right, Ma. I'm popping off.
What's dropping off?
(GROANING)
(WHINING) Ee, I do feel awful.
You look terrible.
Come here, lad.
What?
My shirts haven't come back
from the laundry this week.
Why not?
Because I didn't send any!
(CRYING)
Well, I'll be a prairie oyster. if that
isn't my little gal from the Palais.
Mum, it's the boy
I was telling you about last night.
You know, it's my hero!
You're welcome.
It is you.
Yes.
Gee, baby!
Boy, what a break for me you being here.
Well, what made you come here?
I'm looking for some guy
called Higgin something.
Higginbotham?
Yeah, yeah, Higgin something.
Only I forgot the "botham" part.
Hey, your dad's name is Higginbotham.
That's right.
Holy mackerel!
We've got to get him back.
I remember now,
I've got an important letter for him.
Oh, well, you can leave it here and go.
İf I know Willie Higginbotham,
he'll soon be back.
Did you ever hear Willie
talk about his Uncle Elias?
Why, he was
one of the richest men in Texas.
I know. I worked for him.
What's that got to do with our Willie?
Well, you see, Uncle Elias,
he died and he's left Willie his ranch.
What's that?
A ranch? What's it worth?
Ooh, about £40,000 English I guess.
£40,000!
And he's run away!
- But where do you come in?
- Well, now, it's like this.
You see, before I joined the army,
I worked in this old guy's ranch.
Well, when after I was drafted,
I went down there to say goodbye to him
and I found him on his deathbed.
And he said to me, "Tex", he said,
"When you get to the old country,
"I want you to go and I want you to
look up my nephew, Willie Higginbotham.
"Tell him he's the only relative
I've got left in the world.
"I give a damn about
"and when I'm gone
he's getting everything I got."
Well, just before I sailed he died
and the attorneys asked me to come along
and give Willie this letter.
Then Dad gets all that money.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Well, I ain't so sure about that, baby.
How do you mean?
Well, it ain't so easy for a guy to ask
a rich man's daughter to marry him.
You mean, you're asking me to marry you?
That's the rough idea.
Well, we're not certain yet
whether Dad is rich.
Rich or poor, baby, I don't care.
Oh, Tex.
Never mind that. What's in the letter?
"Dear Mr Higginbotham,
"we regret to have to inform you of
"the death of your uncle
Elias Higginbotham,
"of the Bar-H Ranch, Doublecreek, Texas.
"In accordance with the deceased will,
you are the sole (STUTTERS) legatee."
EUNICE: Oh, that means we get the money.
Oh. "Will you kindly take
the opportunity of communicating with us
"and putting us in touch
with your solicitors."
We've got no solicitors.
"So that the legal formalities
of establishing your claim
"may be dealt with."
"Yours faithfully,
Steer, Steer, Heifer & Steer."
Which one signed it?
Bullock.
Then this means we're really rich.
- Not yet, you ain't, baby.
- What do you mean?
Not till you find Willie.
Oh, we've got to find him.
You'll help us, Tex?
Not till you promise to marry me.
Find Dad and I will.
Attagirl, we're on the trail.
Willie Higginbotham, here I come.
Private Willie Higginbotham live here?
He did.
Don't tell me he's wanted by the police.
He certainly is.
Well, I want him more than the police,
if you can ever find him.
Don't worry, missus, we'll find him.
I'll bet he was after your Willie.
I wonder what could have
happened to him, Mother.
Eh, I don't know.
I'm hoping for the worst.
I'm worrying what's happened
to our Eunice.
Oh, she's all right.
She's out with Tex looking for Willie.
She's all right. She's safe enough.
Safe? With an American soldier? (SCOFFS)
I wouldn't feel safe meself.
Oh, we shouldn't doing this, Tex.
We didn't come here for this.
Speak for yourself, baby.
Well, don't you think we'd better start
looking for Dad?
You never know,
he might pass this way any minute.
Oh, Tex, no more, please.
# Why does this feeling warm my heart?
# Like champagne starting to fizz
# Can it be love?
It can
I think it is.
# And what are these strange vibrations?
# Like a G string on a guitar
# Can they be thrills?
They can.
My gosh they are.
# Now, I mustn't forget
# That this kind of song
# Must always contain that line
# About unfamiliar reactions
# In the name of the smile
# And why do I sigh and think of you?
# Then think of you and then sigh
# Can it be love?
# But what do you think? #
I think it can.
So do I.
Baby, I think we'd better find your dad.
Sit down, Joe.
Waiter!
Didn't you hear me calling you, waiter?
Que voulez-vous, monsieur?
Three large scotches.
Oui, oui.
Terrible service, you know.
Country's full of damn foreigners.
That'll make the driver sleep
for a fortnight.
Pity you're telling me.
Now this is the drill, Joe.
The lorry leaves the tobacco factory
at 3:00,
loaded to the roof with
cigarettes and tobacco,
and gets to your place about 4:30.
Now, the driver comes in for
a cup of char
and we're waiting to give him
a Mickey Finn out of this flask.
As soon as he's out,
we drive off with the lorry
unload it at Harry's garage,
ditch the lorry and Bob's your uncle.
Waiter, soda!
Garqon!
Soda.
İf I catch that blasted fella
I'll boil him in his own spaghetti!
Ah, forget it.
Let's get cracking to my place
and we'll do the lorry driver.
(RINGING BELL)
Hey, stop thief!
Whoa!
Just a minute.
We understand there's
a William Higginbotham working here.
(HORN BLARING)
Hey! Well I...
Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs.
Of all the 'orrible, unsociable
and disobliging...
(JEEP HONKING)
Joe's Cafe, quick!
Well I'll be... Hey, Willie boy!
Hey, pal, we've got news for you.
Daddy, we're rich! Tell him, Tex.
Yeah, you see, Fred, it's like this...
Never mind about that now.
Do you know Joe's Cafe?
- Yeah.
- Well, get weaving.
Who are we after?
Roger the lodger, drive like the devil.
YOU going far?
Far enough with that load outside.
Ooh, you could do with
another livener, then.
Thank you, mate. This is good stuff.
- Oh, smashing.
- What are you carrying?
Baccy and cigarettes. Millions of them.
Makes you sick, don't it?
(LAUGHS) It certainly does. Good boy.
Ave aye, scarper!
Hey, do you want any help, pal?
No, this is a private fight!
Okay.
Hey, is that your lorry outside?
Well, you've been got at.
Blimey!
Hey, stop thief! Stop thief!
- I shan't be a minute.
- Where are you going?
Round to my lodgings to pick up a bag.
Give her my love.
I'll see you around at Harry's garage.
Solong.
You're wanting your supper,
you're going to be unlucky
'cause it's not ready.
I don't want any supper.
I'm packing up.
Blacking up? What for?
Is he joining minstrel show?
Where are you going?
As far as I can get away from this dump.
Packing up, is he?
I don't want him
pinching me knick-knacks.
If you're bluffing, you're for it.
Oh, Willie, you've come home!
You've come back to me.
What have you done?
Police are after you.
(SHUSHING)
So you're Private William Higginbotham.
- What of it?
- Is this your case?
I think so.
You're not a doctor, are you?
Ee, I must have left mine in t'train.
There are 20 vials of phenobarbitone
in here.
Whatever is that?
A dangerous drug, madam.
Oh, Dad, you are careless.
We might all have been blown up.
I thought I recognised that face.
Just a minute.
Oh!
(ALL SCREAMING)
What's that, half-time?
(ROGER EXCLAIMING)
(COUGHING)
Well, if it isn't Slippery Jake.
Alias Silky Sam,
alias Johnny the Blooper.
Alias Roger the Lodger.
All right, I'll go quietly. Oh!
I'll give you a bit of
private information, Mrs Higginbotham.
You're husband's been demobbed.
Discharged from the army
with a first-rate character.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
MAGGIE: Lovely.
Good luck to you, Higginbotham.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, thanks for all your trouble.
Take good care of Roger.
Don't put him in a damp cell.
He's got cold feet.
His wife and kids will be glad
they hear he's turned up.
Wife and kids!
Hey, give my love to Mrs Alias
and all the little alibis.
Ah, shut up, you elongated toerag.
What's upset you, lass?
So he was married?
Well, that shouldn't make you miserable.
I'm not miserable.
But you're crying.
(CRYING) I'm not crying.
It's only that I'm...
I'm so happy.
Well, if you get much happier
you'll die of grief.
I'm so ashamed the way I behaved
about Roger.
Oh, you have nothing to be
ashamed of, love.
No, course you haven't.
Or have you?
Willie Higginbotham!
What are you insinuating?
Nothing, love, nothing.
What I mean is,
I don't really blame Roger.
Why, I could fall for you meself
if your husband wasn't about.
Do you mean it?
Course I mean it.
And I wouldn't take no for an answer.
What with your husband
thousands of miles overseas,
I'd be a mug to miss a chance like that.
But my husband isn't
thousands of miles overseas,
my husband's come back.
Oh, has he?
That makes things a bit awkward,
doesn't it?
Awkward? Why?
Huh?
Oh! I see what you mean.
Of course, I was forgetting.
I am your husband, aren't I?
Oh, Willie.
You'll have to tie me around
your little finger.
And I will.
WILLIE: # Now here we are in Texas
on the range
EUNICE: # For folks from Lancashire
it's very strange
GRAN NY: # Tripe and onions
we've forsaken
MAGGIE: # We'll be eating beans
and bacon
ALL: # We are here in Texas
on the range
# Here we are in Texas on the range
# On the range
# For folks from Lancashire
it's very strange
# Very strange
# Tripe and onions we've forsaken
# We'll be eating beans and bacon
# We are here in Texas on the range #
(ALL WHOOPING)