My Tiny Universe (2004) - full transcript

Suicide's a stupid word.

The root is Latin, to slay oneself.

In French it's suicide,

In Japanese, hari kiri.

Every culture's into it.

I started thinking about suicide
when I was six years old.

I stood on my balcony,
balancing over the abyss,

daring myself to take the big leap.

If I hadn't been on a bender
for the previous 36 hours,

if my girlfriend hadn't
dumped me 37 hours ago,

if I hadn't contemplated
it 3011 times before,



I'm sure I wouldn't have found myself

in this desperate situation.

Suicidees never actually
dig a grave and fall in,

they usually leave a bloody mess

for somebody else to clean up.

Me, I wanted to be left

to the crows and maggots of this world,

letting everyone else wonder,

whatever happened to
Dickie Bates, the actor?

There are no more auditions.

This is the only part that
was ever really right for me.

I've rehearsed my starring
role many times before,

going so far as to use blanks

to simulate every aspect of the event.



And today is D day,

D as in dead day,

because I had really
committed to this day,

in a big way.

- Hello Bonnie.

Who is this?

- I'm nobody, I just--

Wrong number, bye.

- Whose phone is this?

Hey, is this your phone?

And
that's how my day was going,

though really it was a
continuation of the day before,

which in turn re-examined every bad trait

that I had developed

during my flawed career as a human being.

- Hello?

- Hello?

Who is this?

- I found your cell phone.

- It's not mine, it's my stupid husband's.

He claims he dropped it
while he was jogging.

- Well, does he want it back?

- I don't know, let me ask.

Does he want his cell phone back?

- Whoa, wait.

Give me that.

Hello?

- Hey man, what's up?

- Where are you?

I'm ecstatic you found my cell phone.

When can I get it back?

- I don't know man, I'm pretty busy today.

Sorry, I'm kind of all over the place.

- Oh, no I'll have my driver
come and get it, Luis.

- You're sending a driver.

You know what, my driver just showed up,

and I gotta go.

So I'm not gonna be here any longer.

- No really, it would take five minutes.

There's a big reward for you.

Tell Luis to get back
down to Beechwood Canyon

and get my cell phone, okay run tell him.

- I'm not your personal assistant Bobby.

- What the?

Sounds like you're a little

wrapped up there Bobby.

Why don't I hold on to your phone for you,

and when you get time
you can give me a call.

- Yeah, I'm having a bad day.

- You know, I'm having
kind of a bad day, too.

Hey, we even have the same phone.

- But my assistant is
out of town this weekend.

There are a lot of people
trying to reach me directly,

so it's very, very important
that I get that phone back.

- Why, what do you?

- I'm a producer.

What are you a real
producer, some big producer,

or one of them fake ones
running around this town?

- I'm Bobby Devillin.

- Yeah right, I'm Cary Grant.

- Okay, great.

What do we do?

- You got another call coming in,

you want me to pick that up?

- No, what are you kidding?

It's Bonnie, I
already talked to her once.

- You answered my phone?

- Yeah, I answered your phone,
I thought you'd be calling,

trying to find your phone.

- Yeah, well actually
that was pretty smart.

Why didn't I think of that?

- I don't know Bob.

You're supposed to be some big legend,

some big producer, some bigshot.

- Okay look, how can
we get this thing done?

- Why don't you cancel your
plans, I'll cancel mine,

you come over and we can
talk about our lives.

- Not really, I can't do that.

- Okay, you know what, just
call me when you get time.

Bye bye.

Hello Bob.

- Yeah, okay listen.

- It's 5400 Aspen Drive,
apartment six, Beechwood Canyon.

- All right, I'll be
there in five minutes.

That's real close.

- You know what, my
agent's calling me now.

I think he wants me to
be in one of your movies.

Bye Bob.

I'll believe it when I see it.

It's Sara.

Oh fuck.

Hello?

- Oh thank God.

You didn't kill yourself.

You motherfucker.

Why send me the suicide note?

- You got the note?

- Yeah, Dickie, I got the note.

- I just mailed it to you.

How could you get the note so quickly?

- Dickie, why did you send me this note?

Why?

- Because you're my girl.

- No, no, Dickie, I'm not your girl.

I'm not your girl, we broke up.

Are you trying to pressure
me, is that what this is?

- No, no, I just thought
you would want to know,

and I thought I had the weekend,

I didn't realize you were
going to get the note so soon.

- Oh, oh yeah? Asshole.

- I meant what I wrote to you, you know.

- Oh, good, good, because
it would have been

the last thing you ever said, you fuck.

Next time, just send the
note to someone else, okay?

- Who?

I don't have anyone else.

- You don't?

I'm coming over later
to get you know what.

Bye.

- Luis, give me your cell phone.

What hotel is Bonnie at?

- The Four Seasons.

- The Four Seasons?

No wonder she's crazy about me.

What's the number there?

- It's on the speed dial.

- Ah come on, that's the
trouble with these things.

You lose your phone, you
lose all the numbers.

How does this work?

- Just press the buttons.

- Listen Bonnie, it's me.

I'm sorry I haven't gotten to you,

but I lost my cell phone, I went jogging,

I banged up my knee again.

You know what it's like when
you lose your cell phone.

Call me on this phone, I'm in the limo.

It's Luis' phone, all right?

I'm sorry you've had to sit
around the hotel all day.

I'll make it up to you.

- Okay Bobby, we'll see
who's in your phone.

That way, celebrity central.

Maybe he really is Bobby Devillin.

Tom's.

Tom's private jet.

Tom's private jet.

Tom's private jet.

- Where were you when?

Hello?

- Is this Tom?

Hey are you on your jet right now?

Who is this?

Yo.

- Ben,

this is J.Lo.

Your career was over man,

after Taxi Driver anyway, you know?

Are you talking to me?

You must be talking to me
because there's no one else here.

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking--

Fuck!

- This is it?

Did you get that address?

- Ahoy, Mister Devillin.

Up here, thank you for
coming in person sir.

Please come up and join me,
the stairs are this way.

- Great, keep calling
Bonnie on the car phone.

If you get her,

patch me through on this cell, okay?

- Yes sir.

Andrews
Security, access code.

Access denied.

Access denied.

Access success.

- You might be 48 Bob.

I hope you can make it up those steps.

Tom quit,

he's getting on his plane in an hour.

Call me.

--Left
today at 10:59 p.m.

It's Bonnie,
did you just hang up on me?

What the fuck just happened?

Okay, you know what, go fuck yourself.

I am flying back to New York tonight.

You call me later, forget it.

Goodbye.

Message
left today at 4:05 p.m.

Bobby, Karen,

you ever do that to me
again and I'll prosecute.

I hope it took you an hour
to find your cell phone.

There
are no more messages.

- Hey.

- Hi, how are you?

Thanks a lot for finding my phone.

- Hey, iced tea?

It's a long way up.

- No no no, thanks.

I jog, I see it keeps you nice and trim.

- Okay.

- So, can I get that phone?

There's a lot of messages on
that phone I haven't picked up.

- Yeah yeah, sure.

Could I call you Bobby?

- Bobby?

Sure, be my guest, Bobby.

- You made so many great movies.

- Yeah? Thanks.

- And then, dudsville, like nothing.

How does that happen?

- Well, what's your name?

- Dickie.

- Dickie?

Well you know Dickie,
even the great hitters

strike out once in a while.

So, I gotta film coming
out in a little bit.

- Cool, good luck.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Would you play, What Movie with me.

- What?

- Five minutes, five minutes.

I'll start.
- You know,

I don't really have time
to play name that movie,

so can I get the phone?

So what?

A couple a hundred dollars reward?

And you give me the phone.

- I don't want your money.

Have a seat.

- Okay.

- Why were you in the park
at three in the afternoon?

The heat of the day.

- I jog.

- You jog?

- Yeah.

- Well, what happened?

A bush jumped out and
grabbed the cell phone

out of your Gucci sweatpants?

- Now look, you mind
if I use your bathroom?

- Yeah, it's right down there.

- Okay.

Thanks a lot.

- It'd be an honor.

A legend in my own can.

- Okay, is this going to work?

- Now look, you mind
if I use your bathroom?

- Luis, it's me.

I need you to get up
here as fast as you can,

and make up something about
a meeting or an appointment,

you know, whatever.

Watch out for the killer steps.

Oh Dickie,

smells like burnt coffee in here.

- Ah, double espresso.

It's the last legal drug.

It keeps me up so I don't get depressed

and want to kill myself.

You want one?

- No, no thanks.

So I was thinking, maybe
come by my office next week,

call my secretary, set up an appointment.

Have some casting directors come in,

maybe make something happen for you.

- No, no no.

I'm done with acting.

I'm over it.

I'd rather be a waiter at the Ivy,

or behind the counter at Starbuck's,

with you looking at me,

like I gotta me some
sort of mental patient

and fuck up your order.

Hey.

- Where's Mister Devillin?

- I'm right here, Luis.

- You're late for your next appointment.

- Oh.

- So, I really gotta go.

- Yeah, sure.

- The phone, please.

- Bobby, you said that to me
like I'm sort of employee,

like a lower form of animal,

like I'm some sort of bug on your path

to interplanetary life, man.

- Well, you really are a
piece of work, you know that?

What do you want, like a gazillion dollars

for this frickin' phone?

Give me the goddamn cell phone.

- It could be in here.

Oh.

- I got it.

- Okay, good.

- You ready to leave sir?

- You know this is no
way to treat a producer.

I mean you're never gonna
get anywhere like this.

You got a bad attitude man.

Now I could have done something for you.

I could have put you in a
movie, gotten you a part,

but now, I don't even
want to know your name.

Luis.

- Vaya con dios.

Drive safely, Luis.

Did you grow up in a barn?

- Give me that.

Geez, you believe that kid?

This is not my fuckin' cell phone.

Come on, Luis.

You punk, this is not my cell phone.

- You are a big man, Bob.

How'd you get up here so fast?

- I'm callin' the cops.

I'm gonna call the cops.

- Oh, here's my phone, use my landline.

- You want a part?

I'm gonna give you a part.

I'm gonna tear you apart.

- I don't wanna fight.

No, I got it, I got your phone, I got it.

- Give me the damn phone.

- I got it, I got it, look.

Is this it?

- Gimme it.

- Because I don't know where it was.

- Luis,

get the phone Luis.

He's got it right there.

- You're funny, you're funny.

Jesus Christ, what they hell you doin'?

Look at this thing he's got.

- Homeland security.

We got something going on here.

- I got the friggin'--

- Mister Devillin go wait in the car,

while I take care of this.

- I can't believe this, you
think you can mess with me?

You think you can do this to me?

You son of a bitch.

You can't treat me like this.

- Hey.

You ever seen yourself on TV?

- What?

- You know like on a surveillance camera,

committing a felony?

Yeah, check it out, right over there.

Go hit the button over there.

- What are you talking about?

- Right over there.

Go on, turn around.

Turn around.

- What are you talking--
- Turn around.

Go press that button down there.

- Hit it where, right?

- Webcam, you ever heard of one?

Yeah, there it is.

I already emailed it to myself.

I only did it to prove that you were here,

but now I'll probably
turn it over to the cops

to prove that you and Boris
here were assaulting me.

You're assaulting me now, as I speak.

- Luis, he's got this whole thing set up,

he's got it rigged.

Get off of him.

Get off of him.

Luis, let him go.

Leave him alone.

- Thank you Pop.

- All right, you're gonna
turn this off now, right?

And you're gonna give me the tape.

- Bob,

I am trying to help you here, that's all.

I even, I took the liberty
of downloading your messages.

- What?

- For you, I've got it all up
here, don't worry about it.

- What are you talking about?

How could you get my
messages off of my phone.

- I started with birth years.

Hi 1955, you must be 48, huh?

- What?

- I installed security systems
before I became a waiter.

Next time you should try
using your wife's bra size.

Or Bonnie's.

- Turn the thing off,

and we'll talk.

I mean it's all a big
misunderstanding, okay?

- We should step outside Bob,

away from the cameras.

- Luis, go over there.

- And you're Tarzan.

Tampering with a security devices

immediately notifies the fuzz.

You don't wanna mess with them.

It's a secret.

- Luis, back up, move over there.

Come on, Bob.

- I'm coming.

Yes.

He's on an airplane.

Where were you? We're fucked.

- Well this is the
first I got the message.

What happened?

He can't do it.

- What, that little bastard.

What do you mean, he left
because of a Michigan accent?

Get Ben on the phone
and make him an offer.

You know
he's got conflicts for months,

we'll lose Gwyneth.

All right, call Tom,

call Tom then call me back.

- Michigan accent, huh?

- Yeah, they're doing
a movie up in Michigan,

about Hemingway, about fly fishing.

- Big Tom as Hemingway?

That's a bit of a stretch,
no wonder he walked.

Hey Hemingway shot himself, right?

That's Bonnie, you know.

She's on her way to the airport.

She's real pissed at you.

- Hey, you know,

gee whiz.

Let me be the first to
apologize here, all right.

I just think we got off
on the wrong foot today,

something screwy happened.

As you know I'm having a very bad week,

so what do you say?

I mean, let's start over.

There's gotta be a way,

that you and I can come
together on this thing, huh?

- Fuck you man.

- Come on.

Fuck me, what kind of language is that?

- Bob, I'm sorry.

Let's have dinner.

Come on, we could call
some of your celeb friends.

What about Kevin C.

I don't know who that is.

Harrison, Harrison, he's probably free.

- Dickie, I don't think
that's gonna happen.

- How much?

Bobby, what's going on?

- Sorry Bonnie.

I'm checking out of the hotel.

- No no, no.

I'm leaving.

- What do you mean, you're leaving?

Why are you leaving?

You didn't get my message?

They've called me a cab.

- I left you a message, don't leave.

Don't leave, I don't want you to leave.

I'm leaving.

- Don't leave.

Bye Bobby.

- Hoo, no more kissy
kissy, goodbye I love you.

I love you more.

- She hung up on me.

- Yeah, I'd hang up on you too, Bob.

Let's go inside and have a bloody mary.

- No.

Let's settle this.

- Let's have a beer.

- No.

We're gonna fix this.

- Hey, I got an idea,
let's go call Bonnie.

- Call Bonnie?

- She's busy.

Hey Chico, get away, get
away from my stuff, okay?

You don't want to be touching that.

- Hey, Dickie Dickie, hey what's all this

you got here on the wall?

- It's my wall of shame, Bob.

- Yeah?

- Every movie I ever tried
out for and didn't get.

- No kidding, this guy.

So, who's this?

- It's my dad.

You recognize him?

- This is the guy, played
the janitor in Animal House.

Am I right?

Why do I know that?

- It's his biggest role.

- Yeah?

- The made him eat a mouse in that one,

but at least it didn't kill him.

Actor Brian Bates,

died Tuesday while cleaning

his cherished antique handgun.

He began his acting career early, as Otis,

Dennis' sometime friend in
the Dennis the Menace show.

Later he married budding
teenage star Crystal Rose,

whom he met while appearing as a musketeer

in a Micky Mouse show in 1972.

Divorced shortly after
having a son in 1975,

he shifted into movies,

receiving his greatest fame
as Poop, the poor janitor,

in Animal House.

Later he returned to his roots,

appearing in such favorites as Dallas,

Fantasy Island.

He leaves behind

blah blah blah blah.

- Wow.

You got it memorized?

- Yeah.

I wrote it.

No one else would.

Suicide, died when he was 37.

- Shit, that's young.

- Not to him.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be.

It was long as he was
willing to be a failure.

I discovered the body, I was 17.

- Geez, that's tough.

That's a tough row to hoe, huh?

You know, I know a little
bit about rejection.

I'm in the rejection business.

So,

I understand.

So, Dickie, what do you think?

We all done here?

We okay?

Yeah?

All right well, I'm gonna go Dickie.

Give me a call.

Either way.

Be well.

Come on Luis.

- Fine with me.

Hello?

- Hey Bonnie.

Who is this?

- Hey, it's Bobby's friend, yes.

Well listen, we're having
a barbecue up here Bonnie.

5400 Aspen Drive, yeah apartment six.

Beechwood.

Is Bobby still there?

- Yeah, Bobby's here.

You can talk to him.

- Hello?

Hello Bobby.

- Hi darling,

no, you don't need to get in the cab.

No, there's no party
we're not doing anything.

I will be
there in five minutes.

Bonnie?

Bonnie?

- Four Seasons ain't far.

She'll be here any minute.

- You know, she's having
a tough time right now.

You talk about one person

contributing to another person's demise?

Push her right over the
edge, why don't you?

- You're obviously not there for her, Bob.

- She's not answering now.

- Well, I guess you're just
gonna have to stay then,

until she gets here at least.

Hey maybe we should call out for steaks.

- No, I'll have Luis
go and get some steaks.

You know for Bonnie, because
Bonnie doesn't eat steaks,

she's a vegan, a vagan, whatever.

- I used to be a vegan, you know,

until I realized that, you know,

if you want to be a big
fish, top of the food chain,

you gotta start eating like one.

- Come on, if I get her on the
phone, you can pick her up.

- I can't wait to meet Bonnie.

I can't wait.

This thing's on its last mission to Mars.

You got a lighter, Bob?

No, no I don't, I never smoked.

- Well, that's good.

I gave it up when my wife got pregnant.

- You have kids, God forbid?

- No, she does.

She went back to Paris,
before she even had him.

I guess she figured raising a kid

with a depressed, out of
work actor was depressing.

- Yeah, well I'm sorry.

I got two kids with my first wife,

and they grew up without seeing me.

It's criminal.

You don't ever visit?

- No.

- Really?

Hey you know, I got an idea.

You and I could settle up right here

if you allow me to buy
you an airplane ticket

to see your child whenever you want.

What's the child's name?

- Jimmy Stewart.

- Jimmy Stewart?

Well you can go see Jimmy
Stewart whenever you want

and we're even.

What do you say?

To be a father denied, I understand.

All right, that's like
never being a parent at all,

it's worse.

Yeah?

Hello, Bobby?

- You are a slave to that
thing man, get rid of it.

I see you found your cell phone.

- Oh.

That's Bonnie.

I'll go get her, why don't you stay here?

- No no no no no no, you
stay here, you stay here,

it's gonna be better if I go see her,

because she's a little funny, hold on.

What's going on now?

- Listen, Karen I can't talk right now,

because I'm in the middle of a
serious negotiation with Tom,

I'm in his trailer.

All right, I'm gonna call you
back in about a half hour.

You motherfucker.

Who do you think you fuck--

- You know what, I'm
gonna give you $20,000

to let this whole thing
go right now, okay?

What do you say?

- No, no I don't really
want your money, man,

I was gonna commit suicide,

why would I want your fuckin' money?

Get me a sequel man?

Whoa, hold that kettle.

Hold the.

What are you doing here?

- Why did you come?

I told you not to come.

- This is your other
girlfriend's house isn't it?

- No, no.

This is the home of
some whacked out actor.

- Really?

- Yeah, the guy's a head case.

He found my cell phone.

He wouldn't give it back,

he made me come all the
way over here to get it.

- Really?

And that's more important than me,

who's three months'
pregnant with your child?

Yes it is.

Really, really?

It is yes, because he downloaded

every single number that
was in my cell phone.

He has the private line

of every major movie star in the business,

every major player.

Can you imagine, if he sold
that to the National Inquirer,

where I'd be?

He'd make zillions,

and I'd be known as the
only producer in town

you cannot give your phone number to.

- It's always something with you, Bobby.

- Yeah, what do I do?

- I don't know what you're gonna do.

- Okay, here's what we do,

we go inside right?

You make nice, sit down,
have a drink, whatever,

then all of a sudden, you don't feel good.

- A drink?

I'm pregnant, remember?

Hello?

Listen, then we
go back to the hotel,

and maybe in the course of all that,

it'll give me some
private time with the guy,

and we can close this deal.

Above all else, don't say anything

about the pregnancy thing, all right?

High alert.

This guy's whacko.

- Fine.

- How's your hotel?

- The hotel sucks Bobby, I've
been there since 12 o'clock.

Where were you?

- Did you get any rest?

- No, I didn't get any rest.

I've been waiting for you.

I've been crying my
eyes out all afternoon.

- Well maybe that's all part

of this pregnancy stuff, you know?

- You're such an asshole.

- Hey guys.

Hello Bonnie.

Come this way Bob.

We shall light the fire.

This way sir, this way.

Now, it's very easy.

I've done it many many times.

Whoa!

Watch out for those Bob.

Really careful.

Bonnie, you look a little pregnant,

would you like to sit down?

Would you like some iced tea?

- Uh, iced tea would be fine.

- Good.

Here you go.

Is it a boy or a girl?

- We don't know.

- Well, you don't look all sad like that.

I'm sure it's not a mutant.

I bet you it's a boy, you've
got that, it's a boy look.

- Really?

- No.

But, statistically, women over 40--

- I'm 36, thank you.

- Sorry.

My humblest apologies.

- Except that you know, I'm sorry,

but I didn't get your name.

- Dickie Bates, Junior.

I know it's a bad name.

Listen, do not name your child

Woody, or Rod,

or Dickie, it's not funny.

It's a curse, you know.

- Well you're an actor, why
didn't you just change it?

- Because I wanted to prove to my father

that I beat it.

- Oh.

- Stupid, right?

- Yeah, I guess.

- He's dead now anyway.

- What a shame.

- He was an actor, you know.

- Really?
- Like me.

And his photos are right in there.

Do you want to take a look?

You might recognize him.

- You know what?

I'd love to have a look.

My father was a TV actor, too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Uh, Bonnie,

maybe we should give Luis a call,

and see if he's picking up the right stuff

for you to put in your mouth.

- Wait a minute, I thought you
didn't have your cell phone.

- I didn't.

But I--

I got it back.

- Okay, whatever.

You know, I'll call him.

- You want to call him?

- Yes.

- Be my guest.

- He was a daytime soap opera star.

He played a doctor on All My Children,

back in New York, and
then we moved out here,

and his career collapsed.

- I only saw my father on TV.

- Oh my parents divorced too, get over it.

- Bonnie?
- Yeah?

- Speed dial number three.

You're number one.

- Dickie Junior.

What name would you choose

if you could start all over again?

- Ah, Benjamin,

Nicholas,

poetic names, you know.

Dickie Bates, it's like
spitting the syllables out.

- I know we've only just met but,

why don't I call you Benjamin, huh?

Why not?

- Because I gotta stick
with the hand I was dealt.

- How fatalist, how charming.

Luis?

Yes, where are you?

The checkout line, uh huh.

Steaks, tofu.

Yeah can you pick up some of
those vegetables to grill,

you know, the cut up kind?

- Hey, have him get some tequila too.

- Oh, and grab a fifth
of tequila, will you?

Great, fantastic, see you soon, ciao.

- Bonnie, sweetheart.

Why don't you come on over here

and help me stoke the barbecue?

- Hey, are you guys gonna get married?

Or is this gonna be another bastard child

brought into the world?

- That's a hotly debated topic, Benjamin.

We'd rather not discuss it.

- I see.

- But, thanks for asking.

It's very kind of you to
have concerns for our child.

We'll make sure to tell him or her

that you weighed in our
decision later in life,

now won't we dear?

- You feelin' all right?

- Oh, I'm feeling just fine.

Getting some fresh air
is just what I needed.

You know, big hotel windows never open.

- Oh, you know why I think that is.

Suicide.

The Four Seasons, they
don't want to become

the Golden Gate Bridge of Hollywood.

- I was in New York.

I didn't come all the way to California

to check out a hotel room.

- Yeah, well you look a
little flushed, you know?

Well, you could use a nap,

so maybe when Luis gets here,

I'll send you back to the hotel.

- Fine, but I'm not leaving without you.

- Come on, think of the baby.

- Fuck the baby, think
of me carrying the baby.

- That's no way to talk about our baby.

- Whoa, ding ding ding.

Hey hey, you guys are marriage material.

I mean you're already arguing,

by the time you tie the knot,

you'll have it perfected to a fine art.

- Just because we're
control freaks, you know?

When one or the other
doesn't get his or her way,

it makes them upset.

Right, Tulip?

- That's pretty obvious, isn't it?

- And you know what I think?

I think I am a lot like you, Bob.

I am a control freak
because I wanted to know

the exact minute that I
was gonna kill myself.

- That's really stupid, Benjamin.

- I know.

But, lucky for me, Bob came along

and took my gun from me.

- Excuse me?

Gun?

He put it in his pocket.

- Whoa!

There's Luis.

Aren't you tired?

- No, actually I'm starving.

Luis.

- Sorry I take so long Mister Devillin.

- That's all right Luis, you tried.

- So nice to see you.

Dickie, why don't you
get Luis an iced tea?

The grill's up here.

You got the steaks and
the tofu and everything?

- So you expect me to cook, too?

- Oh come on, I'll help you.

- I feel like celebrating.

Who wants a margarita?

- I'd love one.

- Bobby? Luis?

- No.

- Fine, it only takes two to tango.

How do you like it, strong or mild?

- Make your best.

I'm gonna go
get the blender, stay put.

- Great.

- What are you doing?

Are you?

- Where the fuck were you
this morning when you called?

Why weren't you at the airport
Bobby, to meet me, huh?

Why?

- Come on, we've been
through this, I told you.

I was jogging, I lost my cell phone.

Besides, I thought your flight
came in at five o'clock.

All right, I'm sorry.

- I changed it, and you knew it.

- Look, you know I haven't
squared this up with Vee yet.

I haven't talked to her
since I lost my cell phone.

- You can't do it, can you?

- Yeah, I can do it.

I just think that after
15 years of marriage,

I owe her a little bit of an explanation.

- You're not gonna leave her, I know it.

- I can, that's not
true, that's so untrue.

Come on sweetheart, you
know what I've been through.

I love you more than I ever loved her.

- Well, you better.

- Don't you want to go back to the hotel?

- Wait, anybody want
to change their minds?

Bobby, Luis?

Uh, no thanks.

There are some meetings I have to do.

- All right, well, then Bonnie and I will

just have to go on without you.

Slug 'em back while you two go home.

Here you are, my dear.

- Thank you, Benjamin.

- Whoa, the way you said that,

you sounded just like Anne
Bancroft in The Graduate,

and I put it together immediately.

- What?

- Honey, you want to
slow down a little bit?

- Why Bobby, what else am I gonna do?

- I don't know, you know.

I've never seen you chugalug tequila

like some 25 dollar hooker.

- Poor me another one before
dinner, would you please?

- You sure you should have
another drink, Missus Robinson?

- Poor Benjamin.

- Hey, hombre Luis.

You cook a mean steak there partner.

I bet you didn't pick that up

down in old shanty town Mexico.

- Hey.

- What?

- Bad joke.

- I'm just being honest with the man.

- Oh like actors are the most

honest people out there, right?

- Let's just say, producers
make better liars.

- So true, right Bobby?

- Honey, don't start.

- Don't start?

Darling, we're almost finished.

It's over, if you don't leave your wife.

We're through.

Right, you're not gonna do it.

What are you talking about?

I mean do we have to talk about this

in front of everybody?

I have an appointment in a half an hour.

Maybe we could talk about it in the limo,

and not in front of other people.

- He isn't gonna do it, is he?

- I don't think so.

- You know, you call her Bobby,

you call her right now,
call her this minute,

or Luis is gonna take me
straight to the airport.

- I can't.

I can't do that.

- You're not gonna do it?

- Come on sweetheart, really,

I mean maybe just go back to the hotel,

and I'll meet up with you
later on tonight, please?

- When I slit my wrists
when you don't show up?

- You made your point, all right?

We get the message.

We understand, right fellas?

- Why don't we just sit
down and have a meal?

- What is it with you you two?

You and brotherhood of
penises, why don't you shut up?

- Fine, carry on.

- Hey you, mind your
business, get the plates.

- You know I love you, I love you.

I love you, I am marrying you, I promise.

Just give it a day, a
week, a couple of weeks.

I love you.

- We need to talk, Bobby.

We need to talk, now.

I haven't seen

you in weeks.
- We'll talk,

but do we have to talk here

in some strange,
- Don't you care

about my feelings?
- Weird guy's balcony?

- I mean trying to talk to you--

- But you're acting like

- I've been calling
you since this morning.

- What do you want from me?

I mean all I'm asking you to
do is go back to the hotel,

so that I can come by
later, and then we can--

- You're such an asshole.

You keep putting me off.

- If you really want to talk about this

we can go right back to the hotel.

- Bobby, you're such a fuckin' liar.

Bobby's fuck hotel is closed, okay?

Get your hands off of me.

- What kind of remark
is that to make to me?

- How many women have you
not promised to marry,

that jumped Bobby, huh?

Why don't you tell me that?

- Bonnie Bobby Devillin,
it's got a nice ring to it.

- This is so crazy, when did you--

- Stand back.

You stand back.

Everybody stand by this
row, or I'll kill myself.

Don't make one fucking move.

- That's a new twist on
an old Hollywood line.

- Bonnie, put the gun down,
please, that's enough.

Bonnie?

That gun is loaded.

You're gonna put, put the gun down now.

Just put it down.

Put the gun down.

You shut up.

- Hey, if you're not gonna shoot anybody,

I'm gonna go get Luis to toss me a steak.

- Come on, what do you got
raging hormones, or what?

- I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to pull the trigger.

- Yeah, well the gun's
got a light touch, okay,

just ask my dad.

- I thought he was dead?

- He is.

- Bonnie put the gun, point
the gun down, will ya?

- Shut up.

- You are a scary sight.

Pregnant women never kill themselves.

- You call your wife on
your fucking wave right now.

- Remember it's got a light touch.

- Bonnie, put the gun down.

Come on, there's gonna be
cops here and everything.

- Her number's right inside.

You want me to go get it for you?

I can go get it, you can call.

- If you've got the number,
then he's got the number.

You just don't want to
dial it, do you Bobby?

- No I don't as a matter of fact,

I want us to go back to the hotel

and forget about this insanity.

- Bonnie, take it from an expert,

don't do this kind of thing drunk.

- Shut up, Benjamin.

You want me to shoot you again.

- No, definitely not, definitely not.

- If I want to kill myself,

I'm gonna make sure I'm damn well

drunk enough to do it, okay?

- Why don't we just go eat?

Okay?

And then you can decide to kill yourself,

or me, or Bobby, or anyone
else, on a full stomach.

- What's it gonna be, Bobby, huh?

- All right, okay, I'm calling,

I'm gonna call, okay?

I'm calling, put the
gun down, point it down.

I'm calling.

I'm calling Vee.

Here I go, Vee.

Oh hi Vee, it's me,

give me a call on my cell
phone when you get this, okay?

Bye.

- Great, great, great.

Let's go eat, come on.

- Hello?

Oh, hi Vee.

Good of you to get back so quick.

No, where are you?

Me, I'm over at the guy's
house who found my cell phone.

We need to talk.

Yeah, I need to talk to you, tonight.

Oh, you do?

You got that dinner thing, I'm
sorry, I forgot about that.

Can I?

No, I can't, I can't.

Bobby!

- I think that was a car exhaust thing.

Vee?

All right, I gotta give
it to you straight.

Vee, I've been seeing another woman.

Her name is Bonnie Jacobs.

She's pregnant with my child,
and I'm gonna marry her, so,

that's it for you and me,

we're gonna have to get a divorce, right?

We've been talking about it,

now we're gonna have to do it.

I'm gonna go over to her hotel right now,

and I'm gonna call you later, goodbye.

You got me too, look.

- I can't believe you did it.

I can't believe you did it.

- Yes, I did, for you.

- Oh Bobby, Bobby.

- You okay now?

- I fucking can't believe it.

- Maybe I should take
that gun for you there.

- No, I'll take the gun.

I'll take the gun, you know why?

Because you're a little bit unstable.

Yeah, I love you.

I love you, thank you.

Thank you for calling.

- You're right, you were right.

You were right, now
we're gonna go now, okay?

- Okay.

- You go on in and get cleaned up.

Get straightened out and

we're gonna leave in a minute.

And, Luis.

Go on downstairs and get the cash box.

Why don't you step into my office?

You haven't had enough of this?

- No.

- All right, I've got
about 2000 dollars in cash.

All right?

5000, I've got 5000 in cash.

Take it, and maybe in a week or two,

there'll be some more payments.

- I don't know, Bob.

I mean I got you and slim here on the hook

for a lot more than that.

Why don't we say this?

You go home,

and you leave Luis here,
and he can be my driver

for the next year, or 20.

- Are you crazy?

You're just plain old
fuckin' crazy, right?

Ten grand, all the
money that I have on me,

right now, right here, ten grand.

I give you 10,000 dollars and
you call this whole thing off?

Maybe more later.

Deal?

- Two words, Bob.

National Inquirer.

You win.

But enough is enough for one day, right?

Okay, so I'm gonna go home,

you're gonna call me.

You have my number.

- I got all your numbers, Bob.

- Come on, Bonnie.

- Hello?

- It's me, Bonnie.

- Who is Bonnie?

- Your husband's pregnant lover.

- Excuse me?

He just told you on the phone.

- Who is this?

What are you doing, spying on
my husband's private calls?

- Didn't you just talk
to him on the phone?

- Yeah, we were talking, I
heard a bang, got disconnected.

- Oh.

- Who is this?

Is this my husband's new assistant?

You know what, sweetheart?

You're fired.

- No, no listen you bitch,

I am three months' pregnant

with the child of your husband, okay?

And he claims he's going back
to New York with me, tonight.

Is this a joke?

- No.

- Is he there?

Put him on the god damn phone.

- Okay, okay, I will.

Just hold on a second.

- Bonnie, come on.

- It's for you, Bobby.

Here, say hello.

- Hello?

Is it true, you fucking asshole?

- Vee?

What are you doing on this line?

Hold on, a second.

What did you tell her?

- I can't believe that I really
thought you would call her.

- Hi Vee.

- I'm gonna cut your dick off.

I'm gonna stick it in a fucking jar,

and I'm gonna put it in
the freezer, you pig.

- No, you don't want to do that.

- 5400 Aspen Drive,

apartment six.
- No no no no, don't.

- Come to the party, bye.

- That was a bad thing to do.

- Donnie?

It's Vee.

I need you and somebody else to meet me.

- You are such a scumbag.

- Now that was no way to
end a 15 year old marriage.

- Well, there probably
aren't too many ways,

but that sure isn't one of them.

- How can I ever trust you

if you do something as
despicable as that, Bobby?

- Honey, I'm doing the best I can.

- That's a crock of shit.

- Hey, you guys,

should I throw another steak on?

Is she coming or what?

- You gotta be kidding me.

- Bonnie, Bobby, that's it.

I want you guys to sit down,

and think this thing through,

while Luis and I go dine inside.

- Oh, shut up.

- When I start sounding like
your marriage counselor,

you're in big trouble.

- Do you want me to drive you
somewhere, Mister Devillin?

- No.

I want you to go back down,

and make sure that Vee
never gets up those stairs.

- Bobby, I need to talk to you alone.

- Why don't we just go down to the limo?

I'll meet you down there in five minutes.

- Absolutely not, I want to meet Vee.

- Well, I could call her from the limo,

we could arrange to meet
her at the hotel bar.

- You promise you'll come
back to New York with me,

no matter what?

- I promise.

- Yeah, you promise?

- As fast as humanly possible.

- All right.

- Cut.

I believed it, I believed it.

- Dickie, here's to you,
for calling it like it is.

By the way, sorry about your door.

Oh don't mention
it, I rent the place.

- You'll keep in touch?

I have your numbers.

- Be there in a minute.

Okay, Dickie.

There's 10,000 dollars in
the box on the railing.

That ought to cover it.

- Wow, that's a lot of cash Bob.

You always carry around that much?

- Only when I'm shooting a film.

Sorry, all the parts are cast.

- That's okay, Bob.

I don't want to be in one
of your stupid movies.

It would ruin my street cred, you know?

- You know Dickie, one word of advice.

You really ought to learn

when to.

- I'll remember that
when I do my interview

for Oui magazine.

- Okay, I'll be in touch.

- Bob, you don't have my numbers.

- So far, somehow, that
hasn't been the problem.

- Hello, Missus Devillin.

- Okay, hold on, hold on.

I'll tell you when, okay.

Go.

Okay thanks, that's enough.

Okay bye.

Luis, where are they?

Is he alone?

- No, he's with the person
who found his cell phone.

- Is he with another woman?

- No he, no he,

I didn't see no other person up there.

Hello?

- Luis, it's me.

Say, ola Pedro.

- Ola Pedro.

- Okay great,

listen is there any way you
can distract Vee long enough

for me to make a break for it?

- No no, that's impossible.

- Uh huh, that's Bobby, give it to me.

- I'm so sorry, no speak
English, sorry, bye bye.

Bye bye.

- Thank you.

Come on you guys.

- Hey hey hey, no.

Geez, she brought reporters.

She's trying to kill me in the press.

I'm doomed, thanks.

- Bob, you can stay as long as you like.

- Look, I'm afraid that's impossible.

Is there another exit?

- No, that's the only way out.

- Oh man.

Maybe I'll luck out and
she'll have a heart attack

on those stairs.

- I don't know Bob, she looks
pretty determined to me.

- Please do me a favor, okay?

Turn off all these surveillance cameras,

it's the least you can do.

- Bob.

Fine, I'm sick of this family anyway.

- Hey Vee, I'm ready.

You gonna make it up here or not?

- Don't start.

I will murder you.

How could you do this to me again?

Screw you, you bastard.

It's true isn't it?

- I am not shouting.

- Is this her place?

- No, no no no, it's my place.

Hi Vivian, would you like an iced tea?

- It's Vee, no thanks.

- What about a beer, or a margarita?

You know, Where Were You
When, that's a great show.

- Oh,

how are those margaritas?

- I like them.

A star sighting, right here in LA,

what do you think of that?

- Have I um, have I met you before?

- No.

- I think I will take
one of those margaritas.

Whose glass is this?

- I don't know Vee, I don't
know every friend Dickie has,

comes up to his deck.

I've only been here an hour.

- Cheers.

Oh hey.

- I'm Bonnie Jacobs, and I am
carrying your husband's baby.

- Bonnie, are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure.

- Bobby, we're just gonna have
to do another DNA analysis,

before we take one more step further.

- You know Vee, unlike
you and your husband,

I don't fool around.

- You are so stupid if
you think he is gonna fly

off to never never land
with you, kissing your feet.

Vee.

- Do you know his track record?

- Vee.

- You know, it doesn't
matter, because we're in love.

- Oh, oh ho ho.

What have you been telling her, Bobby?

- Vee, that's enough.

- I suppose you aren't an actress.

- No, I'm not, I'm an
entertainment lawyer.

- Oh, an entertainment
lawyer, that's handy,

because he lost two sexual
harassment cases in the last--

- Okay Vee, we're not gonna
stand around and do this,

now are we?

- No shouting.

What did you tell her?

- Well, I'm sure Bonnie
knows that I've done

my fair share of fooling
around, who cares, big woo.

All right?

I mean come on, the fact
is that she is pregnant.

She got pregnant and I
thought that I should

stand by her, right?

I mean, you know, I
should do my fair share.

She wants to have the baby,

so I told her that I would marry her.

- What a minute, who asked you?

You make it sound like I pressured you.

- I felt obligated to ask.

- Really?

Well maybe I felt obligated to accept.

- So we are planning to
move to New York City,

where I am starting a little film.

- I'm sorry Bonnie,

I've just heard this a
million times before.

He is not gonna divorce
me, he can't afford to.

This is an interesting margarita, Dickie.

- You know Vee, if you ask me,
your marriage is worthless.

- You know, I haven't asked you.

- Does anyone mind if I
took a drive with Luis,

my new chauffeur?

- No, Luis stays.

- Okay.

Bonnie, you want to go inside
with me and cut some limes?

- Yeah, I think I would.

- I cannot believe you've done this again.

I can't believe it.

- It was a total mistake.

- You are such a liar.

- That's not true, I have told you,

I have always told you.

- You told me what?

That she's pregnant?
- The condom broke.

I know.

- Oh my, this is such bullshit.

- It happened.

- Don't get near me.

It happened.

- No, she is not the only,

she is the total--

- We should cut your nuts off.

I'm just sick of seeing these sluts, slut.

- Listen to them long enough,
anyone would commit suicide.

- Tell me, what should I do?

What a load of shit, the condom broke?

I don't think so.

You know, I knew this
was gonna be a mistake,

and he told me that he
wanted to have a baby and,

I thought it was gonna be different.

- We always think it'll be different.

- And the way he described

our UN-style marital negotiations.

- You'd better get back out there

before they decide your
fate over a checkbook.

- Do you think that she
brought the paparazzi

to score points in the divorce court?

- Probably.

- That fucking bitch.

- Come on Vee, just try to
be reasonable about this.

Lake Tahoe is mine.

Santa Barbara is mine.

You can have Hawaii.

- Hawaii? That's no good.

You know that that
hurricane ruined Hawaii.

Hey this stuff isn't bad.

Try one.

Good?

- Pretty good.

- Good?

- It's fine.

- You know what?

Excuse me.

Bobby has about two
minutes to make a decision.

- You have a certain glow about you.

- Thank you.

It's nice that someone
finds me attractive.

- Of course you're attractive,

pregnant women are always attractive.

- You know what, fuck you.

- Do you believe in life cycles?

- What?

- You know, the fax machine of life,

continuing one cycle to the next,

repeating, feeding,
generation after generation.

- No.

No I don't believe in that.

- My son never met me,

and I never met my dad,

until the week before he died.

- You know Bobby and I,

we've been seeing each other five years.

And I moved to New York last fall

to force him to make a decision.

Then he came at Easter.

I got pregnant.

And here we are.

- I should have gone to Paris.

- Who gets Luis?

- Mister Devillin,

your cell phone is off.

Tom on the line, he's
been trying to reach you.

- Tom?

Tom tom.

Oh, this is the worst
day of my life, ever.

Yeah, but Tom listen okay,

we're co-producing on this, right?

This is just a funny accent.

Think Fargo.

And besides, I mean you know,

once you start blasting
helpless animals in Africa,

drunk out of your mind,

everybody's gonna know who you are.

Tom?

Tom?

Come on, I can't believe that

you've got a problem playing Hemingway.

Yeah.

I'll get right back to you.

- So?

What's it gonna be?

- Hmm, pushy broad.

You know you never last with them.

You should know by now, Bobby.

- Bonnie, come on.

This is a life-shattering decision.

I can't just make it on
the spot, just like that.

- Bonnie, what he's
really trying to say is

the last broad he knocked up,

thought it was a bad career move.

She was a model.

He got lucky.

I paid for the abortion.

- Look who's talking, huh?

Because of you, we can't
hire a straight limo driver.

And besides Bonnie,

the financial implications are horrific.

- You know what, you just don't understand

what a 15 year marriage is.

What, have you been in
love for six months?

- No, five years.

- Well you know what, you
look really great now,

but as soon as that baby pops out,

he'll dump you.

- Come on, Bonnie.

I love you.

Please, try to understand.

- You know what I understand,

it's what a fuck you are, Bobby.

That's what I understand.

Get away from me.

- Bonnie, please.

Calm down.

- What happened to that window?

- That's my Robert De Niro impersonation

got a little out of hand, earlier today,

and I shot it out.

- You have a gun?

- I had a gun.

It was an heirloom of my father's,

but Bob took it away from me.

- Bobby,

you have his gun now?

- Yes, I do Vee, in a nice safe place.

- You can keep it actually,
I'm not a big gun guy.

It was an antique Colt derringer,

very small, gamblers used it.

My dad was a gambler, you know,

he gambled everything,

including knocking my
mom up when she was 17.

His bad luck was my good fortune, I guess.

- You know what?

I always carry a gun,

in my handbag, mm-hmm.

No carjacker's gonna take
my Mercedes away, huh?

You can be damn sure of that.

- Okay Vee, that's great.

Could you put that away?

- You want something to eat?

You know the grill's still hot.

- No thanks.

Do you want a margarita?

- You know what?

I can help myself.

- Okay, do you guys want a drink?

- No, thanks.

- You know, I do feel
like I've met you before.

- Oh, no no no, I don't think so.

- Yes, I never forget a face
I've interviewed, do I Bobby?

- No Vee, you don't.

- Not me.

- ER.

ER.

ER, that's it, that's it.

You were the new doctor on ER.

Am I right?

Am I right, huh?

- Season '97, you got me, uncle.

You happy now?

- I knew it.

I knew it.

You were the guy that had

that big fight with George Clooney.

- He was hogging the camera on my lines.

- Well, you were the new kid on the block.

- Yeah well, so what?

That had it in for me,

they were out to get me from day one.

The producers didn't like
me, the wrote me out,

like three episodes.

Whoa, Luis.

Hey Luis, long time no see.

What do you want?

A steak, or a pinata?

- No.

Iced tea, please.

Please.

They no budgie, to be talking to.

She paid 'em a thousand
dollars holding fee.

- What?

- She paid him a thousand
dollars holding fee.

- Yep, Bobby, so why don't
you just offer them two grand,

get them to leave, huh?

- Why don't I just slit my throat?

- I go wait on the steps.

Vee, do you need anything?

- Besides a real husband?

No thanks.

What would you
do with anything real?

- Listen, why don't you kids vamoose?

I got my kabbalah mixer
in about 20 minutes.

- Wait a minute, you the same guy

that was gonna kill himself a minute ago?

We can't go anywhere yet,
at least not until dark.

- Two seconds ago you were
eager to get out the door, Bob.

- Two seconds ago, there
weren't any photographers

on your front steps.

- Well maybe I should go talk to them,

I'm good with people.

- Oh yeah,

you're the Oprah of
personal relationships.

That's why I have your gun.

- I told Luis to go downstairs
and see what they'll need,

to leave.

Now, get rid of the girl.

- It's Bonnie, Vee.

- The girl leaves, the
photographers leave.

- Why did you do this, huh?

Why?

Do you realize what you've done?

Do you realize that these
guys would sell their soul

for even a smattering of the
squabble that's going on here?

- Squabble?

You call this a little squabble?

- Yeah, I call this a little squabble?

- Bonnie, what do you think?

What do you think, Bonnie?

Do you think this is a little squabble?

- I'd say it's just one big nasty boil,

that's gonna fester for years,

and we're not gonna
solve anything right now,

so why don't you just get on out?

You want a drink for the road, huh?

Last call?

- Yeah.

I do.

I'm having a great time.

- You're a monster.

- You know Vee,

Bobby insisted on not using
any protection with me.

He wanted the baby with me.

- What are you doing?

Why are you doing it again?

- I thought I'd have another--

- I should have let you off yourself.

I fucking hate your guts.

You were two minutes from death.

You didn't want me to call 911.

- It was error, Vee.

- You didn't want me to.

The doctor said you were a goner

if I'd waited two more minutes.

- Vee!

Will you?

- He gets very suicidal
when he's stressed.

Honey, you should know this about him.

He is a nightmare.

- I can see why, living with you.

- You do not get Tahoe, or Malibu.

Let me just tell you something, dear girl.

We put all the property in my name,

a couple of years ago.

- Really?

- When an actor died on the
set of his movie, Bloodstain,

just in case he had to declare bankruptcy.

He is not worth what they
say in the papers, I am.

- You know something Vee?

I don't give a shit, take it all.

- I'm done.

I've had enough fun for tonight.

Party's over, I'm calling my lawyer.

- You're not going anywhere.

- Put me down.

No.

- Come on.
- No.

- I'm out of here.

- I guess that's what they mean
by a physical relationship.

- You know, that is a different man

than the one that I know.

- Welcome to reality TV, Bonnie.

- I'm going back to New York, alone.

- What do you mean alone?

Like totally, no abortions.

- I don't need one.

I had a miscarriage last week.

Yeah.

Before last Tuesday I was huge.

I came out here, to tell Bobby, you know.

To see if he still wanted to marry me.

I never even got a chance to ask.

Well, I guess I got my answer, right?

I really loved Bobby.

- That's so dumb, you
might as well love a worm.

Vee, what are you doing?

I want to talk.

- Oh, and then there was
the other woman, Karen,

who he was seeing after I was pregnant.

I just had to confront him.

- Is there any chance you
would have dinner with me?

- No.

No.

You know, can you call me a cab?

- Sure.

- Vee.

Oh man, I'm gonna strangle you.

What the hell, Vee!

Put that down.

What is this?

Come on now, Vee.

What, are you kidding?

- Do you have cab fair?

I never wanted anything from Bobby.

- It's called blackmail.

- Not when he is the guilty party,

asking me to suppress
incriminating evidence.

- What are you talking about?

- 5400 Aspen Drive, apartment six.

We'll look out for you.

Hey Luis.

- Everything all right?

Where's Bob?

Where's Bobby?

Vee?

- Actually everything is not all right.

Listen, did Bobby go jogging with

anyone?
- Never mind me.

- I don't know, I didn't drive him.

- You know that is bullshit, Luis.

He went jogging with Karen
this afternoon, didn't he?

- I don't know.

I didn't pick him up until four o'clock.

- He did, she came up from behind him

while he was on the cell phone,

giving me some lame excuse

of why he couldn't pick
me up at the airport.

She must have grabbed the
phone, thrown it in the bush.

I heard the whole thing.

- That explains how I
found it in the bush.

- They're no answering their cell phone.

- Luis, she wants to know if
you assaulted me earlier today.

See, now I got surveillance
cameras everywhere.

I got it all on tape.

- Surveillance cameras?

- Okay.

Okay look.

- Hey, that's the girl.

- Turn around.

- Smile babe, I'll make you famous.

- Okay, okay look.

I stuck it in with the
photographers, okay?

So what you want me to do?

You want me to go knock
on the door, or what?

- No, you know what, I wouldn't do that.

Luis, can you please drive me
to the airport okay please?

- Okay, okay okay okay okay.

I go back downstairs,

I pay them off,

and I be back in a minute, okay?

It better be here, too.

I didn't take
any of your money man.

- I hate your guts, and your stairs.

- Dickie you crazy motherfucker.

- Hi, Darlene.

Thank you for coming too.

- Oh, what the fuck is she doing here?

Dickie, I want the gun back right now.

- The man you hear
screaming in the bathroom,

he has the gun.

- Benjamin, why does she want your gun?

- Benjamin?

Because this asshole
sent me a suicide note

in the mail today.

I don't trust you anymore.

Go get the gun.

- He won't give it to me.

- I did that.

- Oh, target practice?

Get the guy out here now.

I want the gun.

- For the moment, Bobby
does not think Bonnie, or I,

are qualified to operate a handgun.

You will probably have to get it yourself.

- How is this a stag party?

Yeah, I heard it was disgusting.

You look like you haven't slept.

You know Gina?

Yeah, she knows all about us,

and she won't fuck her soon-to-be husband,

till he has an AIDS test.

- That's not a bad idea.

I have a camera in the bathroom.

- You're sick.

- No, maybe not.

- Come on Dickie, stop fucking around.

- I gave Bobby my word.

- Oh like you give a shit about Bobby.

Look at what he did, come on just do it.

- I'm off, and will you put that down?

This is ridiculous,
you're not gonna kill me.

- Jesus.

Dickie, who the fuck are these people?

- No.

- What the fuck is going on in there?

- Don't you say a fucking
thing about this gun.

Shut the fuck up and go away.

Tell that slut to get out of here.

- No.

I won't.

- You know, Bobby says
she's a certified nutcase.

I'd better just shut my mouth right now.

- Yeah, I'd shut your mouth, too.

Who asked you?

- Now will you put that down?

You're not gonna kill me.

- Huh, partners?

- No.

- You've been trying to kill me for years.

So why don't you just pull
out Dickie's gun and shoot me?

You might as well, I've given
you the best years of my life.

And you're gonna dump me now?

- Jesus Dickie, why did
you give him the gun?

- I'm like a walking double cliche,

an ex-trophy wife.

- What shall we do?

- Maybe we should call Luis,

he's probably their 24 hour shrink.

- You know what, she's
cold, she could do it.

Give me the phone.

Give me the phone.

Give me the phone, God.

Luis, yeah, listen listen,

we have a situation up
here, it's really important,

it's an emergency, come up here now, okay?

All right, bye.

He's coming, but you know what?

We can't wait for him.

Come on, do something here.

Come on, Dickie do something.

- Hey Vee, I can see you.

Woo.

- Shut up Dickie.

I love you.

- Take that cow back
wherever she came from.

- Vee, I got a camera,

above the shower.

I can see everything that's going on.

- Perfect.

- I'd rather be perfect than a murderer.

Go ahead, go ahead, wave the gun around.

Wave it around.

- Don't shoot me, but move.

- Way to go, Dickie.

- Yeah, too bad, I've been
recording it all along.

- Okay okay, what happened?

- Oh my God, thank God Luis.

She's pulled a gun on him in the bathroom,

you gotta do something.

- Have you called the police?

- No, I didn't call the police.

- Okay well, good good good.

Okay okay okay, here.

This to bring her to her senses.

She in there?

Vee, Bobby,

it's Luis.

I calling 911,

so Vee put the gun down,

come out, wait wait wait.

Hey operator, can you hold for one second?

Vee, I've got them on the line.

- Well put 'em on.

- Vee, take a pill and chill out.

- Fuck you, Luis.

- You see how she speak to me?

Hey number one,

could you hold for one more second longer?

I'm trying to determine

whether we have a 911 situation or not.

Okay, thanks.

Vee, I only trying to help you.

Bobby isn't even worth it.

- He tried to strangle me.

I'd call that spousal
abuse, wouldn't you, Luis?

- Okay, okay okay okay.

But you remember when Bobby knocked up

that model three years ago?

You didn't kill him then.

You thought about it, but you didn't.

So you won't kill him now, Vee.

Put the gun down.

- Don't fucking move.

- This is idiotic.

This is a terrible, suicidal career move.

Come on I can't let you--

- No!

- Okay, I'm out of here.

- No no no, you can't
leave, you can't leave.

You're a witness to a felony.

- You hit me.

Oh, no no no.

- You hit me.

Jesus.

Vee, what the?

- Luis, get an ambulance.

I'm still on hold with 911.

Is it bad, Bobby?

- Yes yes yes.

- No, Luis don't call
an ambulance, I'm okay.

Don't call the police, don't
bring the police in here.

- Vee, Vee, listen listen to me, okay?

If I say the ambulance
is for a gunshot victim,

the police automatically come out.

- We want to quit now Vee,
while we're still ahead, right?

Or at least while you're ahead.

I can go to Doctor Richardson,
he can patch me up.

We don't have any need for
any emergency room drama.

- You know, I think he
wants to bleed to death.

Ha ha ha, okay, his choice.

- Vee, you got 30 seconds.

Hi operator,

could you hold one moment longer?

Oh, thank you.

- Vee, do you know how stupid you look?

You don't want this tape
turned into police evidence.

You know it's gonna end up all over TV.

What do you say, I give you the hard disk

and we call it square, what do you say?

Fuck you Dickie.

He jumped me.

I want the world to see it.

- People have been saying,
fuck you Dickie, my whole life.

Vee, listen,

it'll be a clean swap.

We'll give you the hard drive,

and you give me the gun, okay?

Come out, right now,

are you're gonna end up all over TV.

You'll be the OJ trial of white people.

- Well well.

- Come on, what do you want from me?

All right, Bonnie,

you have to go back to the hotel now.

I'll call you later.

- You've gotta be kidding me.

- All right now,

I'm just gonna take the gun because

I don't trust you.

Just get up, wait can I help you?

Do you need help?

- You shot me.

- I'm so sorry.

I didn't shoot you.

Don't lean on your arm.

- Well unfortunately.

Can you do it?

- Yes.

Okay, go go.

- Don't worry about the mess, Bob.

- I don't trust you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
I'll get the door for you.

Hold on.

- Thanks, sweetheart.

- Go on, go on.

- Hey,

hey, where you going?

- Guys, come on up.

- Okay.

Luis, get off that damn phone, will you?

- Hey 911, yes.

Sorry, but we have determined at this time

that there is no emergency.

Thank you.

- Bobby, I can make a tourniquet.

Can you?

- Yeah, I learned it on ER.

- Okay.

Luis, go on down to that bathroom,

and clean up that mess, all right?

- You know something?

Vee, Bobby, I have decided
that the two of you

deserve each other.

We called a cab, and they're
gonna be here any second.

I'm on my way.

- Don't leave now, I just did it.

I negotiated, yeah.

Come on, this is LA, you
gotta meet me halfway.

- I'm leaving.

Why?

Why? Karen?

What about the model that
you fucked two years ago,

and had the abortion with?

- You hold on to that,

and I will hold on to this.

- No, I will hold on to this.

- No, no no no no no.

This is Sara, you haven't met her yet.

She's new to the,

this is Sara, Sara Vee,
Bobby Bobby Vee, Sara.

Put the knife down honey,
they're nice people.

- We heard a gunshot.

- Hey Vee, I'll bet you
won't shoot Bobby here,

with these guys here, right?

- Fellas,

either of you takes a picture,

I have to shoot you.

- Okay.

- Okay Vee, no problem.

- Give me the hard drive.

- What?

Give me the hard drive.

Don't you have to give me
the gun as part of that deal?

- Give it to me first.

- That kind of blows my
leverage, doesn't it?

- That's the way it goes.

- You know, I don't
even care, I don't care.

You can have the hard drive.

I'm just gonna give you the hard drive,

and trust your crazy ass.

Here you go.

Bobby, release that
tourniquet every 20 seconds

for the next five minutes,

and every 10 seconds for
every minute after that.

You can survive for like two hours.

- Bobby's a royal asshole Dickie.

Thousands of people would
be cheering if I shot him.

Millions.

Do you know if agents
are your only friends,

you know what kind of person you are?

Him, that's the kind of person you are.

You're in a lot of trouble.

- So what?

He's a dick.

Some people are pricks,
some people are assholes.

You can't shoot a man for
being a plump little smurf.

You got him in the arm,

and that's quite enough for
being a dick, don't you think?

- Get out, everybody get out.

- No, no no no no no.

No one's leaving, it's my house.

You're not kicking anyone
out of my fucking house.

Give me the gun.

- No, uh uh.

- I'm gonna come over
and get the gun, okay?

- No.

- You're not gonna shoot me,

with all these people watching you.

- Don't come near me, don't--

- No one's gonna hurt anybody else.

You have the hard drive,
you don't need the gun.

- Don't you dare.

- I'm daring you right now, Vee.

- Don't.

- Give me the gun.

- No.

- Just give me the gun.

- I have the hard drive.

You have nothing.

I have everything, you have nothing.

- He's so gross.

- You get it?

You get it?

Luis, don't fuck with me, man.

You guys, how much are
those pictures worth?

- 25.
- No no, 50 grand, total.

- 50 grand?

Okay, okay.

You guys are fucked,

because these guys are
gonna publish those photos,

unless you pay them 100 grand.

A 100 grand, Vee.

Put your cameras on the table.

Does that sound okay to you?

- Yeah.

- Put 'em down, put 'em
down there, right there.

Okay, so Vee, Bobby,

you guys are done.

You're splitting up, okay?

And Bobby, you're not gonna
get shit in this divorce,

I'm settling for you right here, okay?

- Dickie.

- Vee, you get everything
because Bobby here's a schmuck.

- Wait wait, Dickie,

this doesn't make any sense.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm saying that's a problem here.

- You're supposed to support me.

A woman is supposed to support the man.

- Dickie, I'm not your woman.

- What?

- I told you two weeks ago.

- Why do you have to say that
in front of all these people?

Never mind, I'm gonna finish this.

Vee, write these people a check, okay?

Bobby, you get one house, that's it.

What'll it be.

- Malibu.

- No.

That's the only one without the mortgage.

- Bobby's getting Malibu, okay?

It's done.

Now Vee, you right them a
check, let's all go home.

Let's try and keep our voices down.

Bobby, remember the tourniquet.

- Okay Bobby.

If I pay, give me both cameras.

You cannot blackmail me.

Take it all, Vee.

As long as I have Malibu,

Bonnie and I can move
in and have the baby.

- If only that were possible.

- Why not?

- Oh my God, Dickie don't you dare.

- I had a miscarriage last week.

- What?

- It's time for departure,

even when there's no certain place to go.

- Dickie get down.

- I came here to tell you that.

I've been trying to tell you all day.

- Oh my God.

Don't you dare, oh my God.

He fucking jumped.

- Fuck.

- Dickie?

Shit.

- Can you see him?

- I can't see where he landed.

- Hey hey hey, fuck off.

You take one photo, I'll shoot you.

Somebody call 911.

- I will.

- No, don't, what are you doing?

- Ow.

- I'm going down there,

and if I see anybody
looking over the edge,

I swear to God I will shoot your face.

Dickie?

Dickie?

Hey!

I said, get the fuck back.

- God, it's still ringing.

- Dickie?

Dickie?

Dickie?

Jesus.

Dickie?

What the fuck?

Are you stupid?

- I think I dislocated my shoulder.

- I think your dislocated your brain.

I just want to
get away from this, you know?

- Yeah.

- You want to have some
tofu with me right now?

- Oh no.

- I need you, you can't
stop being my friend.

Come on, I know I know.

I know you don't want to be my girlfriend,

but you gotta come out with me.

You can't stop being my friend.

- All right.

All right, all right, all right.

- I can't go right now because
I gotta go to the doctor,

because I hurt my arm.

And I think my back.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- You're standing.

- I'm okay, I'm okay.

- Good.

All right well, it was nice meeting you.

- Do you want us to give you a ride?

- No thank you.

Thank you,

for an interesting day.

Take care of yourselves.

- Bye.

- You just gonna walk?

- If I have to walk to New York, I will.

I really gotta go.

Bye.

- Bye.

- Be careful.

- I think my kneecap's
displaced, actually.

- I will take you to
the hospital, come on.

- I, we can't take my car though because.

- Why?

- I locked the keys.

Would you like to ride in the limo?

Stay there.

Walk this way.

- How about I drive?

- Okay.

Yes, madam.

- We have got to get rid of this gun.

- Yes, my lady.

- I'm serious.

- I know.

- Okay.

Most
suicidal people are insomniacs.

It's true fact.

Number one reason those
people say they're insomniacs.

- That sounds like the limo.

Too afraid
to die in their sleep.

- We get a carjack, they taking the limo.

Which
statistically most people do.

- Someone's taking the limo.

- Oh my God.

- You left the keys in the car, I guess.

All my life, I've been afraid

to die in my sleep.

All I want to know is when
that moment is coming.

When my tiny little universe is over.