My Teacher's Wife (1999) - full transcript

Dear, Boney D.
Here are your test results.

Down, down, down
like a dive-bomb.

Well, should there
be a prayer or something?

Quiet, you.
Todd, you okay?

Piece of cake.
We can do this.

All right, let's go.
On three.

- One.
- One.

- Two...
- One...

Two... three.

- Are you happy?
- Yes!

- Faber?
- Man, they really seal these things.



Give me that.

- I don't believe it.
- Perfect scores.

- You got perfect scores.
- Oh, man.

I guess I test well.

Yes.

You know what this means,
don't you?

A big screw up a SAT Central?

Free refills?

No, we can all be
in Boston together.

Would you like that?

Me and you,
Boston... alone?

Sounds a little hectic.

How come you
never return my calls?

MAN: All right,
just close your text books.



Ladies and Gentlemen...

Calculus is not for wimps.

28% of you did not pass
the mid-term.

Miss Natatio,
shake the dust out of your skull.

Mr. Buchanan, I've seen
squirrels score higher on tests.

Mr. Faber, knock it off,
you're making everyone look bad.

Mr. Boomer...

You were flying high,
but you hit an air pocket.

Excuse me, Mr. Mueller?

Did you fall asleep
at the controls?

Is there terriorion involved?

You're going down in flames.
See me after class.

(BELL RINGS)

Don't forget, have your parents
sign those and return them to me.

You know the drill.
Have a nice day.

You wanted to see me, Mr...?

You can take your form back.
I won't be recommending you for Harvard.

What? Mr. Mueller,
it was one bad grade.

17 thousand excellent students
apply there every years.

86% don't get in.
You do the math.

Up until now I've had great grades.
Up until now it's been little league.

I'll try harder.
I'll bring my grade up.

Well, I won't hold my breath.

Close the door on your way out.

(SCREAMS)

Good one.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes you just
got to scream, you know?

I know how you feel.

(SHOUTING)

How was that?

Miss...?

Hi, guys.
Isn't this great?

Another Kim O'Brien Halloween extravaganza.
THE RULES ARE: No beer, no drugs...

- No sex.
- Oh, right, of course.

You know I just have to say it.
There's beer in the fridge.

Those are the three
selling points that got us here.

I'm gonna go say "hi" to Jen.

Remember, we must dance.
Don't forget.

- I'll see you later.
- Bye.

You look "Super" tonight, Kim.

Thanks.

Oh, my God.
Brad, Tanya.

"Super". I said, "Super."
Yes, you did.

I don't know what's
wrong with me...

every time I get
around a girl like

I turn into Greg Brady
with better hair.

...I'm turning Japanese,
I think I'm turning Japanese

I really think so

- Do you want to dance?
- Yes, yes.

- Great.
- Oh, God.

NUN: Paul?
Paul, I'm over here.

Paul? Where are you going?

Why do we come
to these things, anyhow?

I don't know. I guess to appreciate
it more when were alone.

Mr. Smooth.
Let's go up to the park.

- There's something I want to show you.
- Oh, no. - Come on.

Don't make me.
Twist my arm.

- So?
- So, how about another poem?

Okay.

Okay. Are you still cold?
If you are we could go back.

No, this is nice.

I mean.

What are you doing?

- I'm ready.
- What?

- I thought...
- You've out to... Todd.

I'm sorry.

Just... let's go.

Paul?

Paul?

- Oh, there you are.
- Oh, God.

I've been looking for you.
Where are you going?

Thank God. I can't talk now,
I'm being chased by a nun. Drive.

- So, you and Kirsten...
- No, mission scrubbed.

- What happened?
- I pulled out a condom.

I thought they wanted us to use condoms.
I mean I pulled it out too early.

- There's a time limit?
- I guess so.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
101.7 KFNX Boston.

Oh, yes,
another exciting evening.

- Did you see that?
- Yeah.

- We're going back.
- Are you insane?

Probably. At least we'll
have something to do.

Wow! Look at that.
Yeah, a '66 Corvette Stingray.

Shh, shh!

- Hi, you need some help?
- Are you guys cool?

- Yeah, we're cool.
- Yeah.

Wait, you are the guy
from the reservoir.

Yeah, hi.
You want to hop in?

Thanks.

What reservoir? Is there a reservoir
I'm supposed to know about?

What kind of asshole
doesn't carry a spare tire?

- I don't know.
- I think it was a rhetorical question.

Thanks for stopping.
I'm Vicky.

Hi, I'm Todd.
This is Fader.

Hey, that has got to be
just about the neatest car.

Yeah, well. It's my husband's.

If you're cold, there's a jacket
back there you can wear.

Oh, yeah, thanks,

I got wet standing out there.

- Can we take you anywhere?
- Where you going?

- Nowhere.
- Nowhere.

Me too, nowhere.

Okay, fine.

Thank you.

- Here you are.
- Thanks.

Your lobster.

This is not right.

There's something
very weird going on here.

By weird, you mean we're hanging
out with a gorgeous woman...

- then yes, this is weird.
- Exactly.

Woo... whoo.

Well, they're sending a tow truck
in about an hour.

Oh, great. Excellent.

So, what were you guys doing,
just cruising the night?

We were down at the beach,
at this "shindig."

"Shindig?" "Shindig?"

When did you start
channeling Dick Clark?

I don't usually say "shindig"
it's just...

He doesn't.

I don't think I've ever said "shindig."
He hasn't. I can vouch for him.

You guys. You want to order some
food and we'll drive you over later?

Oh... yeah.

Peggy.

So, what does one do at these "shindigs?"
It's kind of been awhile for me.

There's a lot of anxiety reiection.

It's "super."

Are you okay?

Ice cream headache.

He gets them all the time.

I'm sorry.
I just love ice cream.

I haven't had it ages.

Vicky, what do you do?

I'm kinda between
things right now.

Music, studying, sculpting.

Sculpting?
Yeah, mostly metal work.

Kind of a hobby of mine.

Cool.

Yes... yes...

He did it.

Great. Let's go.
Sorry.

- And eleven cents. Thanks.
- Thanks.

Shouldn't you at least let us
get the TIP or something?

If you want to.

(COUNTING TO HIMSELF)

About $2.75.

Oh, dude, she dusted you.

Math degree University of Vermon.
Very useful.

Math degree?

TODD: So, do you know
anything about calculus?

Yeah.

See, I tanked this mid-term...

and if I don't pass this course
my life is basically over with.

Come on,
I'm sure that's not true.

No, it's true.

Gees, Todd,
I could help you with calculus.

Uh... sorry, guys...

...squirrel.

Well, here he is.

Do you need us to
follow you or anything?

No, I'm fine. Really.

I was really having
a bad night there for a while...

...but you...

...you're... anyway.

I should go.
Thanks for all your help.

Bye, Fader.

Bye.

- Amazing.
- Totally amazing.

Vicky...

...about calculus.

You think I could get some help?

I...

Please, I don't have much time left.
You'd be saving my life.

I... I'll think about it.

Yeah? Great, thanks.

Call me, I'm listed.
Last name's Boomer, two Os.

Okay, good night.

- Boomer with two Os.
- As in "moron."

Yeah, as in "moron."

Trick or treat.
Where in the hell were you?

It's kinda late, isn't it?

Why are you still up?

It's not the best day
of your academic career.

I mean,
I don't know what to say.

I'm disappointed.

I'm... I'm angry.

And I'm sad... that the one thing
you've worked so hard for...

...is just, it's slipping
right through your fingers.

- Dad, it's just one...
- Let me finish.

We've worked so hard for this...

...and Harvard is there.

On a platter,
it's just waiting for you...

and you're just blowing it.

I know. That's why
I should get a tutor.

What did you say?

Dad, I've got to kiss ass
on this course, right?

I should get some help.

You're going to get a tutor?

That's great. That's great.
I'll help you get one.

Actually, I've got it
taken care of.

You did?

Hi...

Thanks for meeting me here.

The answers to your math final...

are hidden somewhere on my body.

Find them.

That's my wife, punk.

What is this, olive loaf?

Yes, Weasel, this is olive loaf.

Cake.

Well, finally hit
the wall with my mom.

She drives me insane. I'm going
to move out to that cabin in back.

Cabin?

Faber, that's not a cabin,
that's a tool shed.

You realize this.
You'll be sleeping with Weed B Gone.

Banana.

So, have you spoken to Kirsten?

No. But guess who called.

She called?

She called.

- Who called?
- Nobody.

Um... I was thinking about
the other night.

Yeah, me too.
I'm sorry about that.

No, I'm sorry.
I think I overreacted a little bit.

Oh, no. Everything's cool.

Really?

I guess I just need
a little more time.

Time is good.

But, not too much time, okay?

But that is what therapy is for.

No, Ellen, I disagree.

I think it does qualify
as a cold.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- I'll get it.
- I got it.

- Hello.
- Hi, Mr. Boomer?

Yes. Whatever it is
you're selling, I'll buy...

...or give generously to.

Actually, I'm Todd's tutor, Vicky.

- You're Todd's tutor?
- Uh-huh.

Come in.

Suddenly I understand
the world so much better.

Elaine, come meet Todd's tutor.

Coming.

- Hi, Todd.
- Hi.

Vicky, could I ask you to
take a seat for a second?

- Sure.
- Great.

Elvis?

Ellen, if you checked
yours if in...

...you can check yourself out.

I'll be right with you.

Does she know anything
about calculus

or are you just going to
take the $50 an hour...

- ...and have a party?
- She's got a degree.

I don't know.
Here, give it to her.

All right.

Vicky, would it be okay if
I asked you a question of two...

just to make sure
you're up on this material?

(SOFTLY) He's going to
ask her a question or two.

Okay. If 3A over five represents
the change in force...

...applied to a moving object...

...what equation
represents its momentum?

Hold on, Ellen.

Dad...

Three fifths
times the integral of A.

Okay. We're going to be
late for dinner.

You guys have fun.

I guess I was expecting someone...
a little more mature.

Are you kidding? Todd is going
to work his butt off...

to impress a woman like that.

Do you really think
she's that attractive?

For me, no. But I'm just
thinking from Todd's perspective.

She's older,
she's more sophisticated...

...and that can be
very appealing, if...

if you go for
that sort of thing.

I don't go for that
sort of thing.

Okay, I thought we'd start off
with your last test

and see what went wrong.

This is how it all begins...

- What are you doing?
- I'm sure I've got this.

a simple look across a room...

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

I have no idea what you just said.

Exactly.

Do you have anything to drink?

Sure, let's see what we have.

Yeah.

We've got lemonade and
chocolate milk...

Would scotch be possible?

Scotch would be so possible
just one second.

Thanks.

So what else do you do,
Todd Boomer, with two Os?

I don't know... drawing.

I draw a comic for
the school paper.

- Really.
- Maybe it sounds a little silly.

No, it sounds great.

What? I'm not supposed
to be up here?

Oh, no. Stay, please.

- Here.
- Thanks.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Oh, that's my meat.
My meat loaf, I mean.

Oh, I should let you
have your dinner.

No, no. I'm not going
to eat any of it.

I mean, there's no meat in it...
it's just loaf.

No, actually, I should get home.

Are you really leaving?

Yes, I'm really leaving, Todd.

Well, thanks for you help.

Sure.

It kinda felt good
to be... um...

You know, I'm just glad
I could help.

So, why don't you give me a call
after you finish the next chapter.

All right?

There's only three things
I need to survive.

My computer, tunes and food.

And women.

Hey, women will make
the list someday...

...as soon as I learn to speak
without my tongue inflating.

- So, come on. What happened?
- We did calculus.

And that's it?

Yeah. It was probably
the best calculus ever.

It made me want to have
a cigarette afterwards.

Ooh, I love what
you've done with the place.

Bite me.

WOMAN'S VOICE:
Paul, where are you, Paul?

God!

Please, get in here right now!

Note the beauty of the fully-
integrated tool shed audio system.

(MUSIC BLARES)

Paul, turn that
music down, please.

Paul, get in here.

(SHOUTING)
Paul.

Mr. Bodine,
trolling the murky depths.

Mr. Freed,
bottom feeding, again.

Mr. Fader,
smooth sailing, as always.

Mr. Boomer, getting the wind
back in your sails.

Mr. McAdams, failing.

Give me laughing gas...

Give me Novocaine...
(PHONE RINGS)

Give me fast release...

Ease the pain...

(PHONE STILL RINGING)

(TURNS MUSIC DOWN)

- Hello.
- Vicky, it's Todd.

- Hi, how are you?
- Excellent.

We got an 89
on this week's quiz.

We?

Yeah, we're in this
together, right?

Okay.

So, you think you could
come by late?

- Tonight?
- Please, I'll drown without you.

We're talking Titanic here.

Okay, how about 6:00?

Great. I'll see you later.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- How goes it?
- It goes good.

Ooh, look at that.
So I guess the tutor's working out.

- Yeah, she's great.
- Yeah?

Actually, she's really hideous.

Really ugly, fat.
Got that white foam stuff.

- That's gross.
- But she's effective.

Well, that's what counts.
(BELL SOUNDS)

Oh, I've got to go to history.

Well, those who fail
to go to history...

...are doomed to repeat it.

Exactly. Don't forget it's
"diner night" tonight.

I can't make it.
I gotta keep crankin', you know.

Is something wrong?

Why?

I don't know.
You seem kinda off.

I'm sorry. I'll try to get
on a little more.

I promise. It's just...
Man with a mission.

(KNOCKING)

Yes?

Hi.

Are you ready
for your next lesson?

My parents are downstairs.

Oh, yeah.

(RINGING)

Hello?

Chowder head,
you are... not here.

Where are you?
It's "diner night."

Sorry, I can't make it.
Vicky's coming over.

Didn't Kirsten tell you?

She's not here. Guess I'm
not the main attraction.

Well, maybe I can stop by later.

I think maybe you should stop one
medication before you start another.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Just a sec.

Todd's tutor is here.

MR. BOOMER:
Hey, there you are.

Do you like hockey?
There's a great game coming on.

I don't know much about it.

Well, sit down,
I'll explain the whole thing to you.

Jack is forgetting that
Vicky is here to work with Todd.

Right, right.
He's upstairs.

- It's probably quieter up there.
- I'll go find him.

She's a nice girl, huh?

(KNOCKING)

- Hi, is this cool?
- Yeah.

I didn't know
you were coming up.

Wow! Wild room.

Thanks. Have a seat.
I'll get a chair.

These are great.

- You did these?
- Yeah.

You're very good.

- Do you like 'em?
- Yeah. Especially this one.

Here, take it.

Yeah? Thanks.

Here's your stack, Faber.

- Thanks, Hank.
- You bet.

Guess who.

Cindy Crawford,
you came back to me.

Well, it's just me.
Sorry to disappoint you. I'm

thrilled.
I didn't think you'd make the trip.

Are you kidding?
Of course.

I thought maybe without Todd.

I guess he's all wrapped up in
his calculus thing, right?

Yeah... he's obsessed.

So, next time we'll start
with the new stuff.

Do you think you could give me
a ride to the diner?

Um... sure, I owe you one.

- You made this?
- Yeah.

I'd like to see the rest
of your work.

I don't really show my art.

Can it really be considered art it
you don't show it to anybody?

Isn't that more like library
or something?

You're right...

I'll think about it.

I don't know, I get around
someone, I can't...

I mean, I'd like
to impress like Kim, and...

my brain just fills
with trail mix, you know?

- I just can't do it.
- Oh, come on.

Don't worry about Kim,
You'll do fine.

Yeah, it's different
with you, you're...

Anyway...

Hey, there's Faber.

- Who's that?
- I'm not sure.

Well, she seems sure.

Faber, Vicky, from the car
the other night.

Sure, sure, Vicky this is Kirsten.
Kirsten this is Vicky.

- Hi.
- Hi.

VICKY: Todd was hoping
you'd still be here.

KIRSTEN: Todd's here?

Yeah, sorry.
Vicky is Todd's tutor.

I shouldn't have said that.

Hi, guys.

I see you met Vicky.

Yeah, though I didn't see any foam
in the corners of her mouth, Todd.

- Kirsten.
- Is it something I said?

Oh, no, it's my fault.
I'll be right back.

Kirsten, there's nothing going on.
She's just helping me in calculus.

Then why lie to me?

What, I'm not mature
enough to handle that your

tutor's attractive?
Give me a break, Todd.

I don't know why I lied.

- Kirsten, come on.
- Just forget it. - Kirsten.

(SAXOPHONE SOLO)

Get ready, Faber.

Come on, man.
Block the ball.

Is she pissed?
Has she said anything?

No, not really.

I know I screwed things up
with Kirsten, Vicky's just...

I love this. You gathered
the wood, built the fire...

climbed into the pot and now
surprise, surprise, you're cooked.

(HORN HONKS)
Bye, Paul. See you in class.

Why does my life seem like a bad
puppet show compared to yours?

Incoming.

Go away. Go away. Go away.

Thank God.
I hate goalie.

I mean, Vicky's talented, smart,
intelliget, beautiful.

Kirsten is what, lower on
the food chain? No, no.

I don't know. Heads up. Shit.

Nice stop, Pele.

I'm a natural athlete.

I got it. I got it.

Yes.

Has he said anything to you?

No, not really.

I'm sure he's said
something, but you're being

loyal to your friend.
Which I understand.

Well, you're my friend, too.

You're a sweetheart.

- Give me a hug.
- I don't think so.

Look out!

Sorry.

Somebody want to get that?

Where are you... Faber?

This will come out with club soda.

- Mr. Todd Boomer.
- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
You're next.

No, no...

Oh, right. Not until the interviewer
sits or he invites you to sit.

I've looked over your
application to Harvard...

what can you tell me
about yourself

that I'm not going to find
on this piece of paper?

Well, I value friendship,
I value honesty.

What about your passions?

Breasts. I really love breasts.

You just don't want
to do this, is that right?

Dad, I'm kidding.

You don't want to.
I'm kidding, relax. Dad, come on.

What about your passions?

Drawing.

I really love to draw.

I draw a comic strip
for the school newspaper...

I don't know,
it sounds funny, but...

that's when I feel the most "me".

I feel really proud
when I create something.

That's great.
(DEEP VOICE) That's great.

The boat is trravelling
a distance of 200 yards...

...at 25 feet per second.
What is the rate of change...

...of the angle of deflection?

Oh, Mr. Mueller.

No, no. Come on.
Somebody new for a change.

Boomer?

The rate of change is...

.04 radius.

Yes. Three pointer at the buzzer.
Recommendation's looking better.

Everybody see that?
Now the boat continues...

Hello?

Vicky, hi, it's Todd.

Oh, hi, Todd. I was just
thinking about you.

You were? Look, I had a really
good time the other night.

I mean, we got some
really good work done.

Yeah. Oh, did you work
everything out with Kirsten?

Kirsten? No, not really.
Look, are we still on for tonight?

Yeah, and actually
I've been thinking about

what you said about
showing my art.

And, uh... why don't
you come over here?

Really?

Yeah, it's 12 Chabber Lane.
About 6:00?

Sure. Great. Great.
I'll see you then.

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.

Ellen, I thought they stopped
doing shock therapy years ago.

It sounds drastic.

I've got to go to Vicky's.
I'm late.

Wait. Todd is going to his tutor's
and I don't know why.

She has to take care of her dog,
it's having puppies. Bye.

Whoa! Hey. Is Mr. Mueller
writing that recommendation?

It's not beyond the realm
of possibility. Bye.

"It's not beyond the realm
of possibility?"

He was wearing cologne.

Wow. You did all of this?

I can't believe you go through all this
effort and you don't have shows.

No, it's just for me.

I mean, I'd love to show my work...

but people might hate it
or think I was crazy of something.

I don't think you're crazy.

My husband certainly does.

You two don't get along, do you?

WELL, LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY: What have
you spent, about a minute in here with me?

Yeah.

That's about a minute and a half
longer than he's ever spent.

Why do you stay?

That's a good question.

Could we not talk about this?

Okay. You know, you should
think about it though.

Yeah.

Well, anyway.

Wait, I have something for you.

- Here, a present.
- A present? For me?

Why?

For letting me help you.

Shouldn't I be giving
you the present?

- Come on, open it.
- Okay.

It's Boney D.
Did you make this?

Wow. This is amazing.
Thank you.

No, Todd.

Of course not.

Todd, what is the big
fascination with Harvard?

I thought you told me your
passion was drawing.

Most people wish they had something
they could get excited about.

I mean, you shouldn't waste that.

Look who's talking.

Touche.

So you're going to play
like that, are you?

No, you're not.

Oh, you did.

You dog.

Wait, I've got an idea.
Okay, stay still.

No. What are you doing?

I'm turning you into your
alter ego, Boney D.

Oh, man.
Okay, now bark.

Bark?
(BARKS)

- No.
- Come on, a big, deep bark.

(GROWLING)

Wait a minute, wait.

Could you...
turn off that light?

Is this happening?

Oh!
(THUMP)

Hey, you'd better go now.

Your parents might not believe you wanted
to spend extra time doing calculus.

Right.

You know, I never
thought I'd say this...

but I really love math.

I'd better go.

It was, I don't know...
I just see life so differently now.

Well, I'm sure you do. You just
slept with somebody's wife.

No, it's not like that.
I'm really into her.

I wouldn't get too deep, Todd.
We'll talk about it tomorrow.

No, look, I've heard this guy's
really awful to her.

I'm not going to feel bad
about this.

No, no. As long as you feel good.
That's all that matters.

Jealous much? Gees.

That has nothing...
Just forget it.

I thought you would be
excited for me.

Come on, Faber.
We're friends, right?

I gotta get home.
My parents are going to freak out.

You should be happy for me.

He's gone.

I'm sorry.

Kirsten.

Hey, wake up.

Shit, oh, I have to call my mom.
She's going to be insane.

I'm sorry. I should have
woken you up last night.

Oh, no, no, it's okay.
I'm glad you didn't.

She'll get over it.

What are you doing?
Morning breath.

I know, me too.
I gotta go.

What am I supposed to say?

Hey, mind if I join you?

- Kirsten, what's wrong?
- Todd, don't even start.

Wait, let's talk about this.

You figured you were just going
to let me blow in the breeze and

if I blew away then good, you
won't have to deal with me anymore?

I don't know what you're so upset.
Because you

fucked your math tutor
and you lied to me.

(ROOM QUIETS)

(LAUGHING)
(BELL RINGS)

You told Kirsten about Vicky.

- I didn't tell her.
- Then how did she know?

You told her.

What is that supposed to mean?

She was in my room
when you came by last night.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

What, you snaked Kirsten?

I didn't snake her.
Nothing's happened yet.

Yet? Yet? What's that
supposed to mean?

Nice ethics, nice friend.
You blew her off some fantasy

and didn't even have the decency to
tell her. I didn't know it was over.

I didn't know this was going
to happen between me and Vicky.

Hey!

What the hell is going on here?

You girls want to fight,
take it outside.

And make yourselves useful,

my car's parked in a out front
in a tow-away.

Keep an eye on it.
I'll be right back.

Yes, sir.

Since when did you start
pushing people in the halls?

When did you forget who
your best friend is?

I can't believe you're
lecturing me about ethics.

- Oh, my God.
- What? Oh, my God.

That's Vicky's car...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
This is... it's...

This is a '66 Corvette Stingray,
gentlemen.

Don't touch.

- Nice car, sir.
- She's a beauty.

Yeah, she's my lucky charm. And I'm feeling
lucky today. Check these babies out.

I'm going to catch me some
dinner at the reservoir

before dark...
I'll see you tomorrow, boys.

I think I need to sit down.

I guess you won't be getting
the Harvard recommendation now.

(SOUND OF ELECTRIC GRINDER)

You shouldn't just show up.
What if he were here? He's not here.

No, Mrs. Mueller.

- Todd...
- How could you not tell me?

I don't know.

It didn't seem
to matter at first.

Vicky, what are we going to do?

I can't be with you.

I know.

How could you Mary...
Mueller? My God.

(LAUGHING)

What? It's not funny.

He wasn't always like that.

You should probably go.

I guess it had to end
sometime, right?

Yeah...

you'd better go now.

(LOUD CLANK)

- MR. MUELLER: Vicky...
- Oh, stop.

What?

Vick...

- Who's that?
- It's Roy.

- Roy?
- Mr. Mueller.

Oh shit. Oh, God.

Get behind the shelves.

Hey, quit working
on that crap for a minute.

Look, look what I got...

...dinner.

I'll just clean these up
in the utility sink.

Well, can't we wait a while?
I'm not that hungry.

You're not hungry?
Well, I'm starved.

Eat yours later.

Boy, I'm telling you,
this bait was incredible.

I could have cleaned out
the entire reservoir.

(METAL CLANKS)
Oh, yeah.

Mr. Sherman, the earth
science yahoo at school

gave me these things
called "Dopson" flies.

- Sounds great...
- Yeah, they start out...

(LOUD CRASH)

Christ man, watch yourself.

Drinking?

No, I just lost my balance.

Yeah, okay.

Tell you what,
why don't I grill these?

That way I don't have to worry
about you screwing 'em up.

- Oh, one other thing...
- Yes?

There's this kid in my
calculus class, Todd Boomer.

Yeah?

I'm going to write him
a recommendation...

but my printer's screwed up.
Where's your old typewriter?

I'll be in in a second and
help you find it.

Hurry.

I think I will call next time.

Good night.

"Oh, good night, Dad."

You seem pretty miserable tonight.
Are you all right?

What, are you worried about
the interview tomorrow?

Forget about it.
You are going to be great.

Great. Great.

Actually, that's the least
of my worries.

Yeah? Want to talk
about it?

I wouldn't know where to begin.

Come on. Give me a try.
That's what I'm here for. Hit it.

Okay.

I slept with someone's wife,

and now I'm afraid he might
find me and kill me.

I thought you said
you had a problem.

Yanking my chain, aren't you?

Oh, Dad, of course I am,
of course.

- I'll see you.
- Dad.

...remember when I told you
I value friendship and honestly?

Yes.

- I meant that.
- I know you did.

Well, you've screwed
up before, right?

No, I never have, no.
I mean it.

Yeah, once or twice.

Well, all I can tell you
is at the end of the day...

...it's just you.

So, I would face up to it.
Whatever it is.

'Cause I guarantee you the longer
you wait, the worse it gets.

Does that help?

Yeah. Thanks, Dad.

You're going to kill them.
You're going to murder them.

You're going to massacre them.

Transcript and scores.

Everything appears to be in order.

Good grades. Good SAT's,

some interesting activates.

I tell you, I am
bit hazy on one point.

Yes, sir?

It says here that you are
fucking your math teacher's wife.

Is that right?

Mr. Boomer...

Mr. Mueller, you scared me there.
Big day today, huh? Harvard interview.

Oh, yes, sir.

I wanted to catch you
before class.

Do you have something
you want to tell me?

What is that, sir?

Found this at my house last night?

Got any ideas how it got there?

You and my wife...?

Well, you see...

And you honestly thought
I wouldn't catch on?

Okay, it was a mistake.
I'm really sorry. I made a mistake.

No, no, Mr. Boomer,
you made two mistakes.

- Sir?
- A Ninety-eight.

Ah-ha!

I can't believe you
actually thought you could

get tutored by my wife
and I wouldn't find out.

That was pretty silly
of me, wasn't it?

I'm... frankly, I'm glad
to know where she's been.

Anyway, look, I know you wanted me
to think you got there on your own.

It's okay to get
a little help on the side.

It shows initiative.
I'm impressed, Boomer.

Well, I hoped you would be, sir.

In fact, I decided to write
that recommendation for you.

Thank you.
Thank you so much, sir.

Don't tank on the final.

Absolutely not.

She's good, isn't she?
My wife.

She's the best, sir.

Hi.

Hi!

Is everybody afraid to
sit next to you after

yesterday's scene?
Well, not everyone.

No, I'm fearless man.

I wanted to speak with you
after the other night.

Yeah, I really appreciate
you being there for me.

Well...

I thought we should
talk about... us.

Is there an "us?"

Well, I'd like there to be.

Should we "us?"

Faber, you know I think
you're the greatest.

You know if I was going to "us"
with anyone, it would be you.

But I really need some
time alone,

you know, for a while,

just for now.

Hey, it would kill me to
lose you as a friend.

Never happen.

Okay.

Mr. Bodine, your brain could easily
be mistaken for a can of tuna.

Ms. O'Brien, two words
describe your semester...

...want to guess?

"Brain Dead."

People, let me make
something clear.

I'm not happy you're
having trouble. It pains me.

It makes me feel like
I'm wasting my time.

Why do I come down on you so hard?
Because fear motivates.

Case in point, Mr. Boomer here,
six week ago

he was flushing a near
perfect high school record.

I rattled his cage...

Now look at him,
second highest grade this quiz.

Poised to go to
the school of his choice.

So, if I tick you off,
good, great.

Use that. Prove that I'm wrong.
Make me eat my words.

Work harder.
We'll both be happy.

(BELL RINGS)

- Mr. Mueller...
- Todd?

I appreciate what you said
about me in class today.

Don't let it go to your head.

The point is that

I really don't agree with
the way you treat students.

That's your prerogative.

People don't deserve
to be treated that way.

Your wife taught me that.

Vicky may be good with math,

but I wouldn't take any
life lessons from her.

You slept with her, didn't you?

Sir?
Vicky... you slept with her.

Yes.

Yes.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(RINGING)

- Hi, this is Vicky...
- No. Leave a message after

the beep and I'll get back to you as soon
I can.

Vicky, it's Todd. Pick up the phone.
Vicky, I told him.

I didn't mean to.
It just came out.

I just told him, I'm sorry.
He's on his way over.

If you get this message
get the hell out of there.

Please, right now.
Get out!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

(MUSIC BLARING)

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Rough day at the office?

No, same old, same old...
Some kid... slept with my wife!

(METAL CRASHING - ROY SHOUTING)

- What's the matter with you?
- I'm sorry. - You're sorry?

One of my students, Vicky!

You not only ruined my marriage...

Now you're trying to ruin my career.
Roy, stop it. Stop it!

Stop it!

Enough!

Uh-oh, looks who's here...
Mary Poppins.

Mary, you fucked up.

Never open an umbrella indoors.
It's bad luck.

Very bad luck.

Okay, Mr. Mueller,
just relax.

Wait, Todd, this is between
me and Roy.

It's between me too.

Oh, boy, I underestimated you,
huh, Boomer?

I thought I had you
all figured out.

You don't have the brains or the guts
to go to Harvard or anything else.

But, you're gifted.
You're a genius.

Tutoring's just the tip of it.

You improved your scores and
scored with my wife...

all without me knowing it.

Then I write you the
recommendation for Harvard.

Ha, ha! That's genius.

Yeah, you're a wizard.
You're a mastermind.

You must be very proud, huh?

Well, shake my hand.

Roy...

Shut up.

Let's put this behind us.

I'm sorry.

Is he gone?

Yeah. You were really
brave back there.

Yeah...

Though your choice in weapons
was a little weak.

Well, you know, if he would
have spit at us...

I'm sorry.

I'm actually grateful.

I should have gotten out
of this a long time ago.

What are you going to do now?

Well...

I think I'm going
to try New York...

...try this art thing.

I'm going to miss you.

- Here, a souvenir.
- What's this?

Your Harvard recommendation.

- What time is it?
- I don't know, around 3:00?

My interview is at 4:00.

Bye.

- Go.
- I'll come visit you in New York.

Good luck.

Look out, coming through.

Todd Boomer...

- Did Todd Boomer check in yet?
- No, not yet.

I'm here.

- Todd Boomer...
- Present.

Okay, need a minute?

- No, no, I'm fine.
- Okay, come on in.

Calculus teacher.

Todd, looks like you're
having a pretty tough day.

No, I'm fine, really.

Please.

Well I've gone over your stats
and everything looks okay...

But, I'll be honest, you're not
a typical Harvard candidate.

I don't see you making
the top five of your class.

Not unless the chess club
has some horrible accident.

Todd, let me ask you something.

Why do you want to go to Harvard?

I guess my dad and I always
had it planned that way.

He looks up to the students
here as something special.

What I'm getting at is...

why do you want to go to Harvard?

Look, I've been pointed here
like a compass my whole life...

And now that I'm here...

Look, I know Harvard
is a great school...

it's the greatest, right?

I'm really not quite
so sure it's for me.

Now, just remember, eye contact,
posture, smile, right?

A firm handshake's all you need.

Okay, Dad. Thanks, I know.

Hey, how did it go, Buddy?
Hello?

Oh, my God. What happened?

I got punched.

Hang on, Ellen.

Todd got punched
at his Harvard interview.

I didn't get punched
at the interview, Mom.

No, wait, that's wrong.

I need to talk to you
for a second.

This is pretty important.

You said it was important.

I don't really know how
to tell you guys this.

You don't want to go
to Harvard, do you?

No, no.

I was thinking about applying
to an art school.

I should let you two
discuss this.

Todd, can I ask you a question?

Why didn't you tell
me about this before?

Why didn't you tell me
last night?

I don't think I really knew
until today.

- You're upset.
- Yeah. I am. I am upset.

A little.

It's your decision.

- Yes.
- Good. Good.

You're doing very poorly.

You know, this game was
much more boring...

...before they put
those flippers in.

Oh, wait. Yes. Yes.

- I'll be right back.
- Where are you going?

Don't leave me, Faber.
Come on, I'm on a streak...

Hey, what's going on?

Jesus, what happened to you?

- Did Mueller do that?
- Yeah, it's a long story.

It's going to take a major pancake
marathon to be told properly.

I'll buy.

You need to talk to Kirsten?

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to build
something with toothpicks.

Thanks man. You're the best.

So, how did you know was here?

"Diner night."

Of course.

- So, I made a decision.
- Yeah?

I'm not going to Harvard.

Really?
That's a breakthrough.

I figured art school would be
better for me, you know?

Yeah, I think you're right.

That's not what I wanted
to talk to you about though.

I guess what I wanted to say was,
I'm really sorry.

I know I hurt you and
I never meant to do that.

I guess all I'm asking for is that
you don't write off as a friend.

Never happen.

You know, I'm really going to miss
this spot when we're off at school.

Yeah, me too.

I wonder where we'll be in ten years.

Well, you will be working
on your second hundred million

on interactive 3D
Smell-O-Vision computer games.

My shed will be totally decked out
with a jacuzzi and water slide.

Okay, and me?

Okay, the place, New York.

The event, the book
signing of your first

wildly successful
collection of poetry.

"Wildly successful"...
I like that.

What about me?

"Do you want fries with
your order today, sir?"

Okay.

Okay, 2,008 we all meet back
here and compare notes.

What do you say?

Never happen.

Guys, come on, work with me.
Work with me.