My Teacher, My Obsession (2018) - full transcript

**

* Dick pulls the sheets away

* Says, Jane, you look the same
as you did yesterday *

* Not the week before

* Jane where's my head today?

* Ear left the pillow
and my eyes float away *

* Got a mind to be outdoors

* And where
should we go? *

* And where should we go?

* And where
should we go? *

* (whistling)



* Jane, lose those
training wheels *

* The thought of leaving
is so surreal *

* Don't leave
this thought alone *

* Two wheels and handlebars

* Can't see for the street signs
and the motor cars *

* Let's find the open road

* And where
should we go? *

* And where should we go?

* And where
should we go? *

* (whistling)

* Dick, dear, the sun is low

* I'll lift my feet
and let the wheels roll *

**

(phones ringing)



(indistinct chatter)

Welcome
to Spontaneous Travel.

How may I assist you?

I have an overnight delivery
for an Amy Tyler.

Oh, that'll be
the productivity pod
on your left.

Thanks.
You're welcome.

(mutters)
Start-ups.

Have a spontaneous day!

(man)
Yes, sir, I can imagine

it's not very fun
in Syria right now,

but traveler's insurance
does not cover political unrest.

Amy Tyler?

Can you hold on
a mo-mo?

Can I help you?

Yeah, urgent
for Amy Tyler?

I'll sign.

Amy, it's here!

Just in time.

If I'm not careful,
you could replace me.

Oh, I could never
be a ginger. Here.

Oh!

**

(gasps)
Robert, you are a life saver.

Okay, my turn.
The Wainwrights
are in Sweden?

You mean Syria?

That, and then
there's also a thingy.

A military coup?

I don't know, listening
is not really my thing.

What about reading
or watching the news?

Oh, gross.

Get Phillipe
at Hotel Plaka on the line.

I'll take care of the rest.

That's why you're gonna
own this place someday.

No, that's why I'll
sell this place someday.

Mr. Wainwright, it's Amy
from Spontaneous Travel.

I understand you're having
a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Let's see if we can't
find you a better one.

Yes, sir, I'm looking
at a direct flight to Athens

that leaves in two hours,

and we will transfer your
hotel reservation at no charge.

I've got Phillipe
on the other line,

who will take
great care of you.

Direct Message me if you
need anything after hours.

No, thank you for
choosing Spontaneous Travel,

where we plan...

(all)
...for you to improvise.

You have every luxury hotel
on speed dial,

and I'm shooting my videos
in an active coffee shop.

Vanilla hemp latte
for Sandra!

Right here!

You don't spend three years
making travel videos

in Europe without getting
to know a few hotel managers.

Yeah, and you don't create
a start-up travel agency.

Global Concierge.

Ugh, global concierge,

without it being
more than a few.

All I'm saying is you
could hook a girl up.

Wait, is that why you called?

No!
No.

We wanna know if it came.

You mean, this?

(chuckling)
Aaah!

Yay, what are we celebrating?

Take a bow, Robert.

I'd like to thank the Academy
and my husband, Anderson Cooper.

I still can't believe you got
a passport in less than a week.

Who knew the Department of State
was on Grindr?

Ding-ding goes the trolley.

That makes so much sense.

And Josh
still has no idea?

Nope! I cleared the dates
with his firm,

booked the flights,
even double-dipped
on a few discounts

because we have
different last names.

I planned it perfectly.

Except,
you forgot to check

if your boyfriend's passport
had expired.

That's why I have Robert.

Did you confirm
the Wainwrights' Athens flight?

Oh, Ames, that's
so five minutes ago.

I even got them a Groupon
for the Aeropostale.

You mean
the Acropolis, right?

Your trip with Josh
is gonna be so amazing!

It's gonna
be perfect, Amy.

You could just chill out
and focus on seeing

all your favorite places
in the world.

With your favorite man
in the world!

Barf!

That sounds so cheesy,

but so amazing
that I don't care!

And Josh has always
talked about proposing

in front of that fountain
where his grandparents met.

I told you about that?

(all)
Only ten times.

I hope he can just
take the hint.

Men can be so oblivious.
You're telling me.

I reminded him about dinner
tonight, and he tried to pretend

he had something
really important planned,

but I am pretty sure
he just forgot.

Or maybe he's planning
a little surprise of his own.

No.

You think?

Oh, but he knows
I hate surprises.

Honey, you've cashed in
thousands of dollars

and dozens of favors
for this trip.

In a month, I better see
two carats, or a new man.

Oh, my gosh, I'd love
to plan your wedding.

Ew, no!
Absolutely not!

All right, all right,
all right.

Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.

Right now, I just have to focus
on getting to dinner on time.

You mean five minutes ago?

Crap, yes.
Robert...

Already Uber-ing.

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Oh, um--

I was just finishing up
your surprise.

Amy Tyler,
late for something.

The apocalypse is nigh.

For our anniversary,
grumpy pants.

Yeah, Amy,
about that, um...

Can I just tell you
what your surprise is?

Well, I think
we really need to--

And I cannot keep
a secret so--

Amy! Just...

Yeah, I'm just gonna
give you two a minute.

Amy, you're a great girl,
and we've had a lot of fun...

But this doesn't
sound very fun.

I just feel like things
are moving too fast.

We've been dating
for two years.

I know.
We live together.

Exactly.

I'm just not ready for
this kind of commitment.

Well...
I'm not saying

we have to get married
right now.

Oh, thank God.

(chuckling)
Great! Good.

No, I'm glad we're
on the same page with this,

because I feel like
you're always making

these big, romantic gestures
and wanting to spend

all this time and money
together.

And I just don't
want to do that anymore.

So...

Ahh. Good.

Whew! Heh.

Uh, that went much better
than I thought it would.

What did you want
to talk about?

I booked us a-- a two-week trip
to Europe for our anniversary.

What? Are you--
Are you crazy?

I-- I can't
take two weeks off.

No, I cleared it
with your boss.

You talked to Mike
behind my back?

That's how a surprise works.

What am I gonna do
in Europe for two weeks?

You love Europe.

You studied abroad
in Amsterdam.

We met dancing in Ibiza.

You've always wanted
to propose at the fountain

where your grandparents met.

Amy, I told you that on,
like, our third date.

I thought
it was romantic.

I thought it would
get me laid.

Just gonna take another lap
around, no rush.

Well, I wish I'd known that
before I fell in love with you.

I wish I'd known that before
we moved in together.

And I really wish
I'd known that

before I booked us
a non-refundable

two-week trip to Europe
for our anniversary.

Amy, I think a vacation
is a great idea.

You know, just maybe...

...from each other.

Are you breaking up
with me?

No!

I mean...

if that's
what you want.

What I want
is to be with someone

who sees a future
with me.

I'm not a fortune teller,
Amy.

Well, at least
I already started packing.

Amy, wait.

What are you gonna do
with that ticket?

So maybe I can get it
exchanged for another time?

(Marcie)
I am gonna taze his ass!

(Sandra)
Amy, you can stay
as long as you need.

Why didn't you
make him move out?

Eff this,
I'm ordering a pizza.

We've earned it.
You've gotta still go, Ames.

I would kill to see Turkey!
Literally murder bodies.

The girl
just got dumped.

What's she gonna do
in Turkey?

Well, we don't know
his name yet.

Marcie's right.

I can't go anywhere
right now.

I don't even have
a place to live.

It was a stupid idea anyway.

Amy, you dropped, like,
thousands on this trip.

Of your own money.

At least give me
the tickets.

You don't understand.

They're nontransferable.

Our names
are on everything.

Plane tickets, hotels, tours,
even dinner reservations.

I can't go without him.

Amy, I am so sorry,

but we're
your girls, okay?

And we're here for you.
For anything.

Can we do
a gluten-free crust?
I'm on a thing.

The next time that
Josh Merit parks anywhere,

I'm gonna be there
to turn that meter off

and ticket his ass.

Wait, you can do that?

But you have to forget
about him, okay?

Forget about this trip.

(phone alert)
Maybe that's him!

What part of "take her
damn phone away from her"

did you not understand?

Please, she's too sober
to drunk dial.

Bitch, you are not
a Breathalyzer.

He changed
our relationship status.

What?!
Ouch.

He listed himself
as single,

so now it says
I'm single, too.

I guess it's official.

And it wasn't official
when he turned down

an all-expenses-paid
vacation?

Yeah, he should have at least
led her on for another two weeks

and gotten a free trip
and vacation sex out of it.

What?
Girl, I'm gon--

He changed
his profile picture.

Sandra, I need
your computer.

No, Amy, calm down.

What if it's
with a new girl?

The new picture won't
load on my phone.

Girl,
take the hint!

Okay!
Okay, grabby.

Pizza's on you, then.

Why can't I
find him on here?

Did he block me?!

Breathe.

It's logged
into my profile.

I am not friends
with the A-hole

formally known
as your boyfriend.

Okay, just search for him.

And once you're done,
we can go to the club.

He changed his picture, so I
can't tell which one he is.

Whoa, there must be at least
a dozen Josh Merits on here.

Okay, I think
this one's him.

Okay, see?
No new girl.

Just a bunch
of douche-nozzles
doing shots.

Wait, no, go back!

No, this is him, Sandra.

We don't need to look
at a bunch of random guys.

Yes, you do!

Huh?
What?

You need
a new Josh Merit.

Now, I know
you're not thinking

what I think
you're thinking.

Honestly, this is the best
idea I've ever had.

(chuckling)
No, no, no.

Absolutely not!

Come on!

The best way
to get over one guy

is to get on top
of another one.

This one time,
it's a good plan.

I mean,
think about it.

You've already prepaid
for this two-week

dream vacation
with a Josh Merit.

You can't change the tickets,
but you can change the guy.

This is ridiculous.

This way, you get
to keep your trip,

your plan, and maybe
even find a rebound.

You'll never have to worry
about saying the wrong name.

I am not taking
a stranger to Europe!

Isn't that what you do
for a living?

Well, what if he's
a total creep? Hmm?

Or a knife-stabber.

This is the whole reason
that I stopped making videos

and dealt with
other people's travel.

People are unpredictable.

Like Josh.

(patrons chattering)

Okay.

Do you wanna make
a pro and con list?

No.

But you love
pro and con lists.

I do.
Okay.

You get to relive
Amy's Adventures.

I haven't vlogged
in years.

Meet new people!
I hate people.

Well, we'll run
a background check.

Make sure you're safe.

You're a parking enforcement
officer.

I still work
for the state.

And we can figure out
where these guys hang out

and go window shopping.

I can't just write a bunch
of random men online.

What would I even say?

"Hi, we've never met,

"but you've won a free trip
to Europe!

"And also, there's
a Nigerian prince

with an exciting
financial opportunity."

Who is gonna turn down
a free trip?

Better yet, offer them
a deal on the tickets

and make some
of your money back.

What am I,
Living Social?

No, you're
"Living Single."

All you have to do

is write a few
Josh Merits.

We'll take care
of the rest.

Guys, come on.

Do you really expect me

to contact every guy
on the Internet

with my ex's name?

No!

Just the cute ones.

I heard that!

Where do we start?
Yes!

**

(Marcie)
You don't waste any time.

Yeah, maybe this
was a bad idea.

Uh, d-d-d-- no.

Hold on!
No, no.

That's him.

(Marcie)
Who?
Our first Josh Merit.

I posted that I was
looking to book Josh Merit

on my show, the Internet
took care of the rest.

You can find anyone.

Except a sponsor
for her YouTube channel.

Focus, ladies.

He's a 30-year-old
musician from Tennessee

with a body like Ryan Lochte

and a voice that sounds
like rainbows.

He is the definition
of a rebound,

and he's standing
right over there.

Ladies and ladies,

please welcome our first
contestant, Josh Merit.

How old
is that photo?

Girl, if you don't
go over there, I will.

I-- I--
I can do it!

OMG! Josh...

Yeah, Abby?
I love you.

Yeah.

Are you gonna play
"Falling" tonight?

Yeah, I think I can
make that happen.

(squeals and laughs)

Can we take
a picture together?

Can you?

Uh...

On three, say,

"I mistake attention
for love."

(camera clicks)

All right.

I'm your biggest fan.

See you after
the show, Josh.

Yeah, okay, thanks.

Sorry about that.
Do you--

Did you wanna
get a photo?

Oh, God, no, heh.

I'm sorry.
No, okay.

It's-- it's cool.

I personally prefer
to be heard and not seen.

So how long have you
been playing?

Oh, wow, you really
did not come here

to hear me play music,
did you?

No. I'm sorry.

No, no, don't worry
about it.

It's, uh,
it's actually refreshing.

And who knows?

Maybe Josh Merit can make
a fan out of you tonight.

Yeah, you're gonna
have to work really hard

to make me a fan
of Josh Merit right now.

You know, um,
I'm usually surrounded

by either fans or crazies.

But it's nice to meet,
you know, someone like you.

(chuckles)

You know,
sometimes I just fantasize

about just taking a trip.

You know, just...
get away from it all.

Well, it-- it's funny
you should mention that

because, um,
this is crazy, actually.

This is, like, the weirdest
thing I've ever done
in my entire life...

(man)
Put your hands together

for the very talented
Josh Merit!

(cheers and applause)
That is my cue.

Um, thank you for
accidentally coming tonight.

And whoever you are actually
looking for is a lucky guy.

Come on, San Francisco!

We can do
better than that!

(cheers and applause)

Yeah, I didn't get
to ask him yet.

Uh, but he was nice.
That's good.

...and this is Josh Merit
and the Paper Heart Band.

He's cute.
He's really cute.

And this first song
is dedicated to a new fan.

She, uh... just might
not know it yet.

**

* You've got that

* You've got
that beautiful *

(growling)
* Murder face, ah

* Murder face

* Blood in your eyes
and poison in your smile *

* Kill! Kill!

Dear Josh,
you don't know me,

but I am in a weird situation
and need your help.

**

My ex-boyfriend
is also named Josh Merit.

And before we broke up,

I booked a nonrefundable
vacation under his name.

* For some strange reason
I can't get you off my mind *

**

So, I was curious
if you'd be interested

in a no-strings-attached,
platonic trip to Europe

for a fraction
of the ticket price.

* Well, I guess we'll just
chalk this one up *

* To another lovesick fool

* 'Cause nighttime falls

* And I think
you're no good for me *

**

* But I keep falling
for your love in the morning *

* When the sun
burns up the sky *

* I just come crawling

* But I keep falling
for your love in the morning *

If you're interested
and have a valid passport,

write me back as soon
as possible,

and I'll give
you more details.

Thanks, Amy.

* When the morning comes

* Well, I just keep on falling

(Sandra)
Ugh, where is he?

I thought you said
he'd be here.

(Amy)
This is exhausting.

Now I actually
need a vacation.

Look, it's been
almost a week, Amy.

We're not looking
for your soul mate,

just a double to get you checked
into airports and hotels.

Okay, this final candidate
is Joshua Merit.

He's originally
from Minnesota.

He got his masters
at UCLA,

taught kindergarten until last
week with the state cutbacks,

has no criminal record
and type O positive blood.

Well, that's a deal breaker.

You know she likes
her men type A.

How do you find
all this information?

You can find anything
on the Internet.

Really?
How big is his--

Stop!
I swear you guys

are more invested
in my love life than I am.

Wait, I think
that's him!

He looks so sad.

Well, he did just
lose his job.

And he drives
a scooter.

(Amy)
I can't really tell
what he looks like.

Well, all I can tell
from here is he's got

the buttocks
of a thoroughbred stallion.

Wait, he's looking
over here!

Oh, okay.

What are you doing?

He doesn't know what
you look like, crazy pants.

Okay, your flight leaves
in 24 hours, Amy.

You can't afford
to be picky.

Maybe I just
shouldn't go.

No! He wrote back
and said he was interested.

We've seen every
Josh Merit in the city.

This Josh'll do.

And if it doesn't
work out,

you can just give him
his return ticket
and then go meet

some mysterious stranger
who doesn't speak English

but makes you orgasm
in five languages.

(sighs)
I worry about you.

Me too.
Okay...

Fifty Shades of Gross here
has got it right.

You need this, Amy.

Besides, whatever Josh
you take with you to Europe

is better than the one
you had.

**

Uh, oh.
Oh, uh, Josh?

I still think you
should have gone with
Personal Trainer Josh.

Well, this is the only one that
said yes to my offer, okay?

Wow, even my standards
are higher than that.

This Josh is single,
drug-free,

and as far as we know,
not a knife-stabber.

Okay?
We're lucky he said yes.

Those are impressive credentials
for any man from the Bay Area,
regardless of name.

I mean,
if the state trusts him
to teach children,

I'm gonna trust him
with you.

Not to mention,
he has a valid passport.

And a great butt.

What? It's important!

Okay, remember we have
to pretend like we've
never seen him before.

So, put the sign back up
and play it up.

And, Sandra,
try not to hit on him.

But how will I resist
his unemployed,

scooter-riding charm?

Regardless of anything,
I just want you to know

I'm really proud of you,
Amy.

I mean, you could've
stayed home sulking

and missed out on a trip of
a lifetime, but you didn't.

I know.

I mean, this is crazy,

but I'm actually
kind of excited about it.

And at least someone's
getting to use the ticket.

He seems like
he really needs it.

You know who
really needs it...

Wait, guys!
I think this is him.

Play it cool.

** (heavy metal music)

**

(music slows to a stop)

Hey.
Uh, sorry I'm late.

I'm Joshua.

"Josh."

You couldn't
have shaved?

Or at least showered?

Uh, sorry.

Thought we were gonna be
on a plane for 12 hours.

Don't worry
about her.

I don't mind
the scruff, heh.

Thank you.

Uh, Amy, I'm guessing?

No, it's nice to meet you
though, Joshua.

I'm Sandra.

Who will be
staying here, with me.

This is Amy.

Hi, Amy.

I mean... I'm Amy.

Hi, Amy. Uh, Jo--

Uh, we already did that.

Um, can I help you
with your bag?

Uh, do you
have a bag?

Uh, didn't have
much of a heads-up,

so just threw everything
in a backpack and left.

Have you ever
tried a rolling bag?

Have you ever tried not
micromanaging other people?

Okay, Joshua.

See, the thing is,
Amy here,

she's calling
all the shots.

Except in the bedroom.

Then she likes
a little dominance,

and her safe word
is "stop."

Guys...

Everything is in both
of your names,

so if you can't play nice,
you may as well walk away now

or you'll be
limping away later.

You don't have
to play nice
with me.

I like
limping away.

Seriously?
Wow, heh.

Maybe I should
get my return ticket now
for safe-keeping, huh?

Sure!

And if you
wouldn't mind waiting

until at least Sunday
to dump me.

I've already been through
that once this week.

Okay? Everybody happy?

Great.
Here's your boarding pass.

I'm glad you came,
I'll see you on the plane.

Amy...

(indistinct PA announcement)

Is she okay?

Don't worry, she's
much more friendly
at 30,000 feet.

And don't forget--
any funny business,

I won't be afraid
to use this.

Did that say
Parking Enforcement?

Just get on
the damn plane!

Okay, folks,
I need two lines!

Okay, have
your documentation out.

I'm not going anywhere.

Next!

Sir, step up, please.

Sorry.
It's, uh, early for me.

Hmm...

The name
on your boarding pass

doesn't match the name
on your passport.

Uh... let me see.

No. Says right there,
"Josh Merit."

It says
Michael Joshua Merit.

Yeah, so Michael Josh Merit.

That don't fly.

Well I mean, not flying

is not really an option
right now, so...

I won't allow you to board
with the wrong documentation.

Are you serious?

There's nothing wrong
with my documentation.

Do I look
like a terrorist?

You wanna check up
my butt, see if there's
anything up there?

Oh, I know
something's up there,

but you want me
to find out.

Ah, you must say that
to all the guys.

I'm sorry. Is--
Is there a problem?

Uh, yeah, honey bear.

Uh, you used the wrong name
on the tickets.

That's funny, I thought
Josh Merit was correct.

You two are
traveling together?

She does this
all the time.

I-- What?
Uh...

Josh was my middle name,
pumpkin.
Really?

You don't know
your man's middle name?

She means, really?

That makes
a difference?

I'm gonna have to ask
the two of you to step aside.

I cannot believe
I got talked into this.

What were you thinking?

What were
my parents thinking?

Exactly. Michael
is a terrible name.
Hey, my name's Michael.

Well, don't tell her that.
She'll get all crazy.

I should have gone
with any of the other guys
that I looked at.

Well, that's
just hurtful.

Even the guy who dealt drugs
would have been better than you!

Ma'am, do you have something
that you would like to declare?

Uh, Pookie-bear, let's not
make the nice man upset.

I just wanted to take
a nice trip to Europe.

You have ruined everything.
Oh, sure, this
is all my fault.

No matter what I do,
no matter how hard I try,

nothing goes right!
Nothing goes right for you?

What about me?
I just lost my job!

I just wanted
to go to Europe!

I just wanted
to help children!

I am gonna
die alone!

It's like you
don't even know me!

Oh, hell. Uhh!

Go on, it's fine.

Really?

Thank you so much.

Y'all crazy.

We're in therapy.

See?
That wasn't so bad.

You were great back there,
by the way.

Let's be clear--
I'm not going to let anything

take this trip
away from me, okay?

Okay.

Thank you,
by the way.

For everything.

You have no idea how
badly I needed this.

Well... me, too.

So... thank you.

Uh, before I forget...

this should cover
my half of the trip.

It was a great deal,
by the way.

You got really lucky.

(scoffs)
It wasn't luck.

It took a lot of careful
planning and scheduling.

Uh, excuse me, Miss?

Yes, sir, can I
get you anything?

Could I get a scotch and soda
before takeoff?

Of course, sir.

Thanks.

(sighs and clears throat)

What?

It's a little early,
isn't it?

Um... I thought we were
going on vacation, right?

And did I mention,
free scotch?

See, um, this is really more
of a retreat than a binge.

I'm just having a drink
to calm my nerves.

Well, it would
really calm my nerves

if I knew I wasn't traveling
with an alcoholic.

What are you, Mormon?
It's one drink!

I don't know
anything about you.

Like, apparently, I don't even
know your real name, Michael!

Look, no one's called me
Michael since I was seven.

Uh, Michael?
What?

Uh, your drink.

Thanks. Sorry.

Enjoy.

Lush.

Actually,
you know what, Miss?

Let's make it a double.
Sure thing.

Seriously?

When in Rome.

Look... this is just

a really sensitive time
for me,

and I need to know
you're not a creep.

You approached me
on the Internet!

I thought we were
way past creepy.

You want
your return ticket?

Fine.

When we land,

you can just turn around
and go right back home!

Come on. Seriously?

Fine.

If it will make you
uncomfortable,

I won't drink.

Thank you.

Sorry.
Mom won't let me.

(engines humming)

(ping)

Oh, God.

Okay. Oh, no.

(seatbelt buckle clicking)

Don't be a baby.

(inhales deeply)

(clears throat)

Please stop.

Sorry, I can't.

You're freaking me out,
Joshua.

I don't like flying.

You don't like to fly?

I'm scared of flying!

Then why
did you agree to fly

halfway across
the world with me?

How the hell else was I
supposed to get to Europe?

You never fly?

No, I drink, then I fly!

Then why aren't you
drinking now?

You told me not to!

(woman)
Sir! Please calm down.

We're in the middle
of takeoff!

Sorry!
Oh, God, oh, God...

Don't worry, Joshua,
I have got this.

No, no, I'm fine.

You are gonna
drink this.

No, I'm not.

Yes, yes.
Just gonna sit here.

I can handle it!
Drink.

Drink it!

Drink--
Damn it, drink it!

I don't want it anymore.

Open your mouth.
No...

No, thank you!
Open your mouth.

Open your mouth!

Gah!

Oh, God!

(retches)
Ohh...

(moans)
I'm sorry!

What have you done?!

Oh, I'm sorry!
(vomiting)

There you go.

It's okay.

We're fine.

Are you guys all right?
Do you need anything?

Yeah, what's
your white wine?

Ohh.

**

Wow!
This is incredible!

You put the room
in Josh's name?

No wonder you needed me.

Working in the travel industry
has its perks.

With my brilliant master plan,
I doubled up on discounts

by using
two different names.

Clever...

So, in your grand master plan,
how did this work out?

Well...

the couch looks
perfectly comfortable,

and as long as you don't
take your penis out,
we should be fine.

Whoa,
that's not fair.

I mean, I paid
my half of the trip,

and after all,
the room is in my name.

How's unemployment
in California
this time of year?

I can't believe
you're single.

Just try not
to vomit on anything.

Okay, sure.
I'll take a shower.

I smell like scotch
and bad life choices.

So it does
know how to bathe.

I thought the priority
was surname, not hygiene.

(bag unzipping)
Would both kill you?

A couple days
of this might.

Don't bother unpacking,

we're leaving first thing
in the morning.

And hurry up, we have a tour
of the Hagia Sophia in an hour.

We just got here.

I don't think the museum
is going anywhere.

And wear something
nice for dinner.

Oh, no,
I forgot my tuxedo!

Joshua!

Aw, just give me
five minutes.

Hey! There's a little sink
next to the toilet!

That's a...

(water running)
Never mind.

(computer beeps)

Oh, my God!
What's up, girl?

Joshua, or as it turns out,
Michael Joshua,

just hopped in the shower,
so I thought I'd get on.

If I were you, I'd hop in there
with him and get off.

Ew. Where's Marcie?

Yo, Enforcer!
Let's park it in here.

Ames is on.

Ugh, don't
rush me woman.

I've been peddling
all day.

I just wanted to check in
with you guys and let you know

that we got
to Istanbul safely.

(Sandra)
Don't you mean Constantinople?

Funny.
How's homeboy
holding up?

After take-off,
he was fine.

Oh, you put him
in line.

I think his fear of flying
did all the work for me.

Wait, who takes on
a tour of Europe

when they're
afraid to fly?

He's harmless.

A total smartass,
but he'll get the job done.

See, aren't you glad
you went now?

I am.
You should see the view.

It's gorgeous here.

We're having dinner tonight
on the Bosporus,

but first we have a tour
of the Hippodrome,

if Joshua ever gets
out of the bathroom.

Holy crap.
Amy, move!

Move where?
To the right!

No, our right!

(Sandra)
Ow.

Guys, shut up!

Tilt the screen!

Who are you talking to?
Nobody!

Hi, Sandra.
Hi, Marcie.

Hi.
Hi.

See? Everybody
made it here safely.

And even though this beautiful
hotel room is in my name,

apparently I'm on the couch
tonight... satisfied?

Hell, yeah.

I'd like to see him
on my couch.

Mm-hmm.
(growls)

All right, I'm gonna go
put some actual clothes on

for dinner,
and then I'm all yours.

Uh-huh.

Perfect.

I mean, yeah.

Great.
Bye, ladies.

Uh...

Bye.
Bye.

What?

Bon appétit.

(growls)

**

Hurry up!
Hey, look!

You can almost see
the obelisks through the trees.

We have dinner reservations.

You realize we've passed,
like, three national landmarks.

I have a plan, Joshua.

Does your plan actually
include enjoying the trip?

Almost there.

(Amy)
Merit, party of two at 7:00.

(Joshua)
Or try "Neurotic," party of one.

(Amy)
Shut up, Joshua.

Is this okay, Josh?

Or did you wanna
go back downstairs

for your partial view?

Couldn't have found
anything nicer?

Apology accepted.

(chuckling)
I don't even wanna eat.

I just wanna
look at everything.

Can I get you
anything to drink?

Uh, you'll have to ask her
if we're allowed to drink.

(chuckling)
Hush!

Do you have a local
Narinje from 2011?

Wow, you've already pre-planned
the wine we're drinking?

Do you have
a better idea?

Uh, yeah.
Let's ask the real experts.

(speaking Turkish)

(speaking Turkish)

What?

You speak Turkish?

Yeah.

Says on my profile I speak
several languages.

There's no way.

I would've
noticed that.

Give me your phone.

I'll prove it.

If I'm wrong,
I'll buy your dinner.

And if you're right?

I get the bed.

Mind if I log in
on here?

You're really gonna
rub this in, aren't you?

Only until we
get back to America

and never speak
to each other again.

(phone chimes)
There.

St. Cloud University,

"Bachelor Studies
in Altaic Languages."

Altaic? Italic?

That doesn't sound
like a real thing.

You sound like my father.

"Speaks English,
Latin, German,

Turkish, Korean,
and Japanese"?

What are you,
in the CIA?

I could tell you,
but I'd have to sleep with you.

Yeah, well,
just remember, 007,

you only have a license
to sleep on the couch.

Not tonight.
I won the bet.

We never shook on it,
and this info's
set to private.

(chuckling)
Are you serious?

I think my students
are less sore losers than you.

(phone chimes)
You have
a friend request.

Sandra Laser.

Who's that?

Oh, no.

Wait, is that
your Sandra?

You don't have
to confirm her.

Oh, yes I do.

This is too good.
Gimme...

Does she have pictures
of you on here?
Joshua!

I think I did more research
on you than you did on me.

Please, you don't know
anything about me.

Amy Elizabeth Tyler.

Smart girl,
graduated from Stanford

before starting a very popular
travel blog called

"Amy's Adventures."
I'm Amy...

Your blog went viral,
and you now do something

involving social media
and travel.

Well, I know your
blood type's O positive.

Wow... creepiness
notwithstanding,

I can't believe you
actually invited a stranger
on your vacation.

Enjoy.

(speaking Turkish)

This table
was the first thing
I booked.

By the time
the food comes,

the sun will have set,

and the entire city
will light up...

and it's going
to be perfect.

Almost perfect.

This trip is really
different than I planned,

and that's hard
to get used to,

but I wasn't gonna
give this up for anything.

Or anyone.

Well, my namesake missed out
on something really special.

To new adventures.

To new adventures.

Can't we just
get ice cream?

I have something
special planned.

Is it hiding
a dead body?

'Cause I think
I found a place.

Trust me.
I do this for a living.

Yeah, I still
don't get what you do.

You're like a fancy
travel agent, right?

I'm not a travel agent,
I'm a global concierge.

Nah, that doesn't sound
like a real thing.

Okay, most millennials
take nine trips a year.

I'm sorry, nine?
Did you say nine?

Consulting,
research, trades.

I should've never
become a teacher.

But you have
your summers, right?

Not to take nine trips!

You're thinking of travel
as an expense

rather than
a simple upgrade.

When our clients get sent
somewhere for work,

we help them maximize
their trip for play.

Yeah, your clients work
much cooler places than I do.

Well, hypothetically,

let's say
your work sends you

to a teaching conference
in Austin.

Okay, yeah.
Austin is not Istanbul.

They have teaching conferences
in Istanbul.

Let's stick to hypothetical
Austin for now.

Great.

Having never
been to Texas,

you decide to stay
an extra day,

so you can see more than
the inside of a hotel room.

Trip's already paid for.
You have the sick days
saved up.

And for a small fee,
I can unlock the city

so that you see more
in 24 hours

than most tourists
or locals see in a month,

all tailored
to your tastes.

I'm pretty sure I'd still
find some cool stuff.

We're here.

(bell jingles)

Hi, I tweeted you about--

Ah!
Of course, of course!

Come, come!

Where do you find
these places?

Instagram.

(laughs)

You're not joking...

I'm finishing
the first batch
of the day.

You wanna see?

Yes, please.

Perfect!

See?

See what?

You watch.

Gold leaf.

Anise.

Your turn.

(chuckles)

So...

Instagram, huh?

I can search the hashtag,
"Istanbul Bakery."

Sort through photos
that are often geo-tagged,

find directions
to the actual bakery,

and voila!

A local delicacy
made fresh.

You came up
with all this?

Just the impressive part.

Why is it people like you
always work for smart start-ups

instead of solving
the debt crisis or world hunger?

Taste this and tell me
I'm wasting my talents.

(crunch)

Mmm!

Okay.

Yeah.
Trip's over.

I live here now.

(chuckling)

So... travel agent
or global concierge?

Global concierge.

My turn.

So, Esra, what's
the secret ingredient?

(glasses clinking)

Raki.

What is that?

That... is their version
of moonshine.

(chuckling)

**

(Amy)
Hurry up!

Wow...
tipsy Amy walks slower,

but she still keeps
a tight schedule.

We have to rest up
for tomorrow!

Hurry up and relax, huh?

There's a lot to see.

I just don't wanna
miss anything.

Oh, yeah? Why'd you stop
vlogging about it?

Do you know how many views
you have to get

for your videos
to make money?

Yeah.
That's why I teach.

I hate children, but
I make so much money

off the little bastards.

When I was a kid,
I wanted to live

out of a suitcase
and travel the world.

And I did.
It was great.

But the vacation always
has to come to an end.

Hey. Says who?

Said my bank account

and my parents
and my friends

and my perfect boyfriend

who didn't want
a long distance relationship.

Hey... he dumped you.

Clearly,
he wasn't that perfect.

Our life was.

I finally had security.

I created a way
to help people

see the world through my eyes,
and it's a good idea.

I'm making
travel smarter, safer.

I reconnected with old friends
like Sandra and Marcie.

I got rid of my debt.

And your dreams.

Josh became my dream.

All I had to do
is give up my old life

and my little videos.

I started
a new kind of journey

where I planned adventures for
other people instead of myself.

It was like a vacation
all over again, but...

The vacation
came to an end.

Hey, you could
still make your videos
on the side, you know.

Yeah... maybe
I'll vlog about tonight.

First I'm on the couch,
now we're making videos.

What was in that Raki?

Shut up, you...

with the muscles
and the wine stuff.

And the multi-lingual...

lingual-ness?

Stanford, huh?

Shut your face.

All right, drunkie.
Let's get you to bed.

We have to drive
in the morning.

I know.

We have to get up
so early.

Yeah.
Whose idea was that?

Hey!

You should be grateful

I'm squeezing the most
out of this trip.

I'm glad that we flew
12 hours to Istanbul

just to drive out of it
the next day.

Hush, grumpy pants.

With me, you saw
more in 24 hours

than you ever would have
seen in your life.

(chuckling)
I will give you that.

Come on.

(grunts)

Whee!

(faint traffic noise)

(Amy grunts)

Ohh.

Wait, you won the bed.

Stay here.

No way.

I'm not missing
my only opportunity

to couch surf the world.

Don't go.

Stay with me.

That's really
not a good idea.

But I want you to.

Kiss me, Josh.

Please, Josh.

I'm not Josh.

Don't leave me.

My name is Joshua,
not Josh.

I'm not your boyfriend.

I'm not your rebound.

And I certainly
didn't come here

to be told what to do
every second of every day.

(sighs)

Good night, Amy.

I can't wait to see what
you've got planned tomorrow.

**

(Joshua)
Oh, okay, okay.

Please slow down.

I didn't realize
you also got carsick.

Didn't you read the travel
itinerary I sent you?

I didn't realize I'd be
riding with Danica Patrick.

We're late.
Rather be late than dead.

What are you doing?

I'm just rolling down the window
to get some fresh air.

You're supposed
to be navigating.

Where are the directions?
Will you calm down?

The directions
are right here.

Joshua!
Huh?

What's next?
Uh...

I think take
the next right.

You think? What do
the directions say?

They said right.

Let me see.
Y-You drive.

I got this.
Hand it to me!

Look, maybe we should
just scrap the directions.

You know, throw 'em
out the window.

You threw them
out the window.

They may have flown
out the window.

That was our only copy!

I'm surprised of all people
you don't have a backup plan.

(sighs)

You're impossible.
Here.

Whoa, what--
What are you doing?

No texting!

I am going to use the GPS
to navigate myself!

Let me do it.
You've done enough!

Just... watch the road!

(tires screech)

(distant dog barking)

Your e-mail promised
a vacation,

not an episode
of "The Amazing Race."

I took the time
to write out the plan

step-by-step, and you
threw it out the window!

I'm sorry, what?

You wanna go back
and look for it?

**

Little help?

I'm helping
look for a signal.

Yeah, I got
a signal for ya.

If I can just
figure out where we are,

I can get us
back on schedule.

Well, you wanted lunch
in the countryside.

Looks like we're
right on schedule.

I had an itinerary.

I spent time and money
and a lot of work to get here.

Can I be inside the car
for this conversation?

I wanted to see
the countryside

and drink local wine
and eat handmade chocolate.

You know, I'm sure they have
all those things in every town.

You can't just
swap everything

as if it
doesn't matter!

This is important
to me!

Look, lady, I'm just trying
to go with the flow.

I wanted to go with the plan,
not the flow.

I wanted to drink Nairinjay,
not Chardonnay.

And I wanted to be here
with Josh and not you!

Well, I didn't
choose you, either, lady.

If you're so good at planning,
how'd you get to Europe

with only half the people
you planned to take?

(revs engine)

Whoa!
What are you--

What are you doing?
Wait!

I'll be
at the coffee place!

Amy! Wait! Wait!

Oh, great.
The coffee place.

You know, the one in Turkey.

I'll just walk
to the coffee place

in the town that I've
never been to.

(indistinct chatter)

Well!
The good news is

there's only seven
coffee places
in this town.

Don't start.

Hey, I'm just glad you
didn't do this in Istanbul.

Got the itinerary.

We've already
missed the tour,

but we can still
make the museum

and the hot springs
if we push dinner.

May I?

(crunching)

I don't wanna be here.

Are you kidding me?

Look around you.

Who wouldn't
want to be here?

Me.
Listen...

Amy, we may not agree
on many things,

but we both know you planned
one hell of a vacation.

You said it yourself.

I planned half of this trip
for somebody else,

and he's not even here.

So now you don't have to worry
about anyone but yourself.

(laughing)
How often in life
do we get to say that?

I miss him so much,
Joshua.

I know this trip
isn't what you planned.

Hell, I'm the last person
who expected to be

on the other side
of the world right now.

But it sure beats sitting
at home sulking over my job,

my love life...

everything else that's waiting
for me when I get back there.

You don't wanna
go back home, either?

Hell, no.

I, for one,
will never be able

to afford a trip
like this again.

Unless some weirdo
on the Internet finds me.

It's not that weird!

It's the weirdest thing
that's ever happened to me.

Here.

What is that?

Literally
an olive branch.

You're a dork.

You picked me.

Come on.

Hey!

Amy, tell the people
at home what you see.

Stop.

This week on
"Amy's Adventures,"

we take you to Bademli,

a small town which
translates to "almond,"

which is actually known
for its Aegean olive fields

that we spent the morning
whizzing through.

How do you know that?
I'm a very smart man.

You found
the tourism office.

I may have found
the tourism office,

but I think that
was a very smart way

to find all
the coffee places in town.

The other thing Bademli
is known for is...

(crowd chattering)

(Joshua speaking Turkish)

Ben Joshua.

Neslihan.

(speaking Turkish)

(speaking Turkish)

Uh, it's a, uh, bracelet
made with blue chalcedony,

which is a local quartz
with... mythical powers.

What does it do?

Absorbs negativity.

Is it working?

Jerk.

Pick one.

No, I couldn't.

Come on, you're
insulting Neslihan.

(Joshua chuckling)

(speaking Turkish)

Help?
Ah.

Why are you
being so nice to me?

I'm only a jerk to people
who take me to Hawaii.

No one's ever bought me
jewelry before.

Well, your ex's
shortcomings aside,
now you can tell people

about how you
and a complete stranger

found this adorable
little market,

and he bought you
a one-of-a-kind
handmade bracelet.

You think you can just
buy me a bracelet

and I won't be
upset anymore?

Is it working?

Listen, Amy, this trip is not
gonna be what you expected.

But I'll bet,
if you let it...

it can be even better.

So, what's the plan?

We make it up.

**

(blows)

Hold the boat!
Hurry up, Joshua!

We're gonna
miss the ferry!

Amy, will you calm down?

Heaven forbid we spend more
than an hour in one location.

This is the last ferry
today, Joshua.

Unless you'd
prefer to fly!

(bell clanging)

Hold the boat!

**

We're gonna make it.
We're not gonna make it.

We can jump for it.
I'm sorry, what?

**

Come on, Joshua!

You're insane!
Here... we...

goooooo!

(Amy)
Oh! Oh, my God!

(Joshua laughing)
Hey! Just wait!

That was incredible!

You see, Joshua!

The rest of the world
follows a schedule!

You worry too much.

Says the guy with
the soaking wet backpack.

Ah, a little water
never hurt anyone.

You got a phone
in there, right?

Oh, crap!

I would suggest
a hard-shelled,

waterproof rolling bag,

but I don't wanna
micromanage.

(man)
You crazy Americans.

You need a hand,
my friends?

Yes, please!

Oh, don't worry.

I'll, uh, just
get all the luggage.

(man grunting)

I fished a siren
out of the sea.

Thank you.

I'm not a very strong
swimmer.

Good swimmers
are often drowned.

I'm Amy.

I'm Kashif.

Don't worry!
I'm fine.

This is incredible!

How can we ever
repay you?

Why, a kiss, of course.

Oh...

That's really more
of a figure of speech.

(grunting)

A kiss from a face

that launched
my single ship.

(chuckling)

Don't I get a kiss?

Ah... one is not
enough for two.

What did you do?

I nearly drowned fishing
your luggage out of the sea?

Kashif, is there
a place where we could

get out of these
wet clothes?

What man can deny
such an honor?

Please.

Help yourself
below deck.

Thank you.

I'm fine.

(Kashif grunts)

Ah, the things
we do for love, no?

Who says I wasn't jumping
to get away from her?

Listen, if a woman makes you
want to jump in the ocean,

you're in love.

(scoffs)
I'll keep that in mind.

Where were you headed?

To Datça.

You have good taste.

The lady picked it.

Again,
you have good taste.

Wait...

You have a boat.

You could take us there.

It's not my yacht.

I chartered it
for the owner.

And, no offense,

I don't think
you can afford it.

You don't know
anything about me.

I know I don't
fish millionaires

out of the sea
every day.

Tell you what.

You get us to Datça,

you can tell me
anywhere in the world

you want to take
a vacation.

How are you
gonna do that?

I can't.

But she can.

Huh.

Welcome aboard.

**

(seagulls calling)

**

Oh! Whoa.

Not ready to go
in the water again.

"Oh, look at me.
I'm Joshua.

"I'm super-manly
and reckless.

"Except on planes.
And cars.

And boats."

Who are you, and what'd
you do with Amy?

Being out here
makes me feel like "Old Amy."

Well, I like Old Amy.

Gorgeous dresses.

Jumping off docks.

Kissing strange men.

Well, how else are we
supposed to pay Kashif back

for welcoming us
on this beautiful yacht?

I told him you'd cover his
travel anywhere in the world.

You what?
Amy's back.

Seriously, Joshua?

Just when I think
you've actually gone
and made a real plan,

it turns out you expect me
to take care of everything
all over again.

Hey, Kashif!

Where do you want
to take that vacation?

Sunny California.

He can go anywhere
in the world,

and he wants
to go to California?

Yep.
What's in California?

My white whale.

She must have
been very special.

Well, she made me want
to jump into the ocean.

(chuckles)

**

Well, that wasn't
on the itinerary.

How would you know?

You threw the itinerary
out the window.

I think we've done
pretty okay without it.

I'd like to think we've done
more than pretty okay.

Well, I don't think
it involved a boat.

Or... the other thing.

We'll never know.
(snickers)

You know, I think people
get so obsessed with planning

these perfect little lives
they're going to have

instead of committing
to the one that they've got.

Says the guy who's
afraid of commitment.

When did I say that?

You're the least organized
person I've ever met.

You try organizing a room
full of five-year-olds.

I'm committed to being
there no matter what happens.

That's my job.

Or... it was.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I had a dog.

And he got sick.

Then he got really sick.

And without a second thought,

I dropped everything
and stayed home to help him.

Sounds pretty responsible.

Except I forgot
to tell the school.

Surely they understood.

For a week.
(chuckles)

After I had to put him down,

I lost
even more work and...

they had to let me go.

That's terrible.

What can I say?
The more you commit to people,

the more you have to be
comfortable with uncertainty.

I think all any of us
want to know is,

are you gonna
hurt me, too?

And the answer is,
inevitably, yes.

I thought I had someone
else figured out, too.

But people change.

Not that much.

We drift.
If you start sailing

and you only go
a degree off course

and then you
go for long enough,

you end up
in the wrong place.

Not the best metaphor to use
while we're on a boat.

You know what I mean.
Yeah.

Well, here's to smooth
sailing from here on out.

What's up, Percolators?

Welcome to today's episode
of "Expresso Yourself,"

where things
are getting steamy.

Caution!
Contents are hot, hot, hot.

The latest photos of Hank Pitman
hit Tumblr today

and there are a latte options.

Here are the Top Ten responses
in order of asterisks and emo--

Ugh!
Rendering.

(phone alert)

(phone line ringing)

Girl, I'm at work.

Yeah, we have a problem.

What do you think
you're doing?

No. You can't
possibly expect me

to sleep on the floor
after last night.

There was nowhere else
to sleep on the yacht.

I just took pity on you.
Whoa.

If that was pity, I can't
wait to see interested.

Watch it, or I won't even let
you have the good pillows.

You know what?

Maybe I'll take the bed and
you can sleep on the floor!

Get down from there!
You're covered in filth!

You smell like a pirate!

Arr! That didn't stop you
from grabbing me booty.

Go take a shower!
Okay.

But I'm taking the
good pillows with me.

This one and this one.

Hurry up. We have a walking tour
in less than an hour!

Of course we do.

(line ringing)

Joshua, that's how
you get bed bugs.

Aw, crap.

(line ringing)

(call chimes)

We've been trying to get
a hold of you all weekend!

Is Joshua there?

He's in the shower.

Oh, my God, he has
an engagement ring.

I mean, he doesn't know
that I know he has a ring.

Why does he have a ring?

Amy, calm down.

It's beautiful.
It's a little snug.

But I hardly know him!
Amy, please!

He pushes all my buttons, makes
me feel like a crazy person.

But then on the boat,
we kissed.

And then we more than kissed.

And now we're
in the Mediterranean

and he has this ring!

Amy!
Amy!

He has a girlfriend!

What?

That punk is a lying,
cheating, scum-sucking pig!

You should confront him!

How could he have
a girlfriend?

We researched him.
You did a background check.

Just tell her.

There's tons of
pictures online

of him and some
really young pretty
blonde named Tiffany.

What does she need
that description for?

This isn't a police report.

I'm so sorry, Ames!

There's photo albums
dating back to four
years ago with them.

Vacations,
anniversaries.

Maybe they broke up.

Yesterday, she wrote
on his wall,

"Where are you?

I'm ready to give
you my answer."

And now I'm wearing
her ring.

You did nothing
wrong, Ames.

There's no relationship
status on his profile.

How could you have known?

But we had to tell you.

Guys?

Is there anything
we can do?

Get this ring off me?

Just take it off!

I can't, it's stuck.

Well, it better
get unstuck.

Amy, you can't be
caught wearing that thing!

I know that!

It's like it's glued
to my finger.

That Tiffany must be
some kind of anorexic bitch.

Pull it!
Not helping.

Just twist, okay, twist.
Just pull it!

Do you have butter?
Just get the butter.

Where would she get butter?

I don't know. Oil!

Oh, my God.
Amy, he's coming!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
I'm freaking.

Put it back now.

You okay? You're doing
the pee-pee dance

my students used to do.

Well, that is
exactly correct.

Somebody took
forever in the shower

and you better not have
used up all the hot water

because now I'm gonna
take one, too.

And I need soap.
Lots of soap!

Good!
Who smells like a pirate now?

Oh.
Hello, ladies.

Hurry it up in there!

The ruins might not be there
if we take too long.

(tour guide)
The City of Ephesus is known for
housing the Temple of Artemis,

one of the Seven Wonders
of the Ancient World.

Right now, we are in
front of the magnificent
Library of Celsus.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

...known to store
12,000 scrolls.

Ow! What was that for?
Shh!

You're missing all
the... knowledge.

What's on your hand?
Nothing.

Let me see.
No. Uh, uh, mm...

Really?

Uh, Tiberius
Julius Aquila...

No!
It's not that big a deal!

Don't!
Just let--

I don't like it!

See what
you made me do?

Listen to the guide!

Now we're going to
move on to the Agora.

Oh, no!
Oh, no!

Oh... Yes!

(tour guide)
This was built
by the Antonine family

during the reign of Marcus
Aurelius around 160 A.D.

(groaning)

Oh! Oh, God.
Oh! Uhh!

(tour guide)
Unfortunately, the water
is not drinkable

because the Romans were
known to use lead pipes.

Thirsty?

Beautiful stonework.
So old.

Moving on.

What's really going on?

It really is beautiful,
isn't it?

It's all right.
I'm more of an Obelisk guy.

I mean, fountains
are cool, too.

I've dreamt about this
fountain for two years.

I made it my screensaver.

I scrapbooked.
I left my

jewelry on a dresser
every night

so that he could get my
ring size without asking.

God, I'm an idiot.

No, that was actually
really smart.

I worked so hard and I
sacrificed so much and now

I'm standing here
alone with nothing.

No one is ever
gonna propose to me

in front of
this stupid fountain.

Well, maybe Josh won't.

But I can.

Look, Amy,
I know this is crazy,

but you have a dream
to be proposed to

in front of this fountain
and I have a ring.

How perfect is that?
Joshua.

This has been the most amazing
week of my entire life.

And I know you feel it, too.

Please don't do this.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.

Amy Elizabeth Tyler,
let's do this.

Ah, crap! No!
No, no! Where is it?

No!
You mean this?

Why do you have my ring?

Don't you mean
Tiffany's ring?

Okay, that's fair.
I can explain.

Explain what? That you
have a girlfriend?

That you have an
engagement ring in your bag?

That you slept with me
and lied to me?

Whoa, I never lied to you.

You never told me.
That's the same thing!

You never asked!
All you cared about

was that my name was Josh Merit
and I had a passport.

You didn't even know
I spoke Turkish!

This is
a little different.

We both wanted an escape
from our lives

and we didn't ask questions.

I lost everything
in a matter of weeks.

My world was spiraling out
of control, so I panicked.

I proposed. And I lost
the one thing I had left.

Lost her how? She wrote
on your wall yesterday.

What are you talking about?

Tiffany said
she needed time and space.

We lived together!
What does that even mean?

The next day I got an e-mail
offering me a two week vacation.

I couldn't be there, so I
packed a bag and came here.

And jumped into bed with
the first available girl.

Oh, please. I didn't
expect to sleep with you.

On the first day,
I didn't expect to like you.

So, a week later,
you propose to me?

You can't just
decide things, Joshua.

Feelings aren't
something you decide, Amy.

Or plan.
Or make up.

You were crying.
I had a ring.

What do you
expect me to do?

I expect you to tell me
you have a girlfriend!

Well, I expect you
to tell me

that you took a $3,000
ring from my bag.

I don't want your ring.
I want an apology!

Okay, I'm sorry!
Now, give it back.

It's stuck. You think I want
this piece of crap on me?

Did you try
soap and water?

Why do you think I was in
the shower for so long?

Because you're a girl!

So what do we do now?

I don't know! You're always
the one with the plan!

Well, you're the one who's
so good at improvising.

So, improvise!

Hold still,
you'll hurt the ring.

Thank you for
your concern.

About 1.2 carats.
Nice cut.

What kind of grade
is the stone? F?

It's E, actually.

Can we back to--
Ow.

The ring is too tight
to be removed by hand.

I think the lack
of circulation is making

her finger
swell too much.

Then we'll cut it off.
My finger?

Should fix
the circulation problem.

You want me to saw
through the band?

Yes.
No.

Easy there,

jigsaw killer.
It's the only way

to cut the platinum
and save the setting.

Oh, platinum.
Fancy.

Can't we just wait and see
if her finger falls off?

Why are you two
even engaged?

We're not.
We're not.
(speaking Turkish)

(speaking Turkish)

It's your ring.
It's your problem.

(door opens and closes)

All right, hold still.
This will only take a minute.

Like your decision
to marry me?

You're still
wearing the ring.

(whirring)

There we go.

First side,
now the other. See?

Nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

Everything's a mess,
Joshua.

Well, sometimes
life gets messy, Amy.

It doesn't follow
your perfect little plan

and you have to
just go with it.

Well, that's convenient,
coming from the guy

who put me
in this situation.

You put us here, Amy.

You know,
that's your problem.

This whole trip--
Your plan, Amy. Yours.

None of this
is what I planned.

Yeah? Me neither.

The funny part about being
spontaneous is it means

you actually have to
commit to your decisions.

Why don't we ask Tiffany
about your commitment?

You know, you just
rejected me and now

I'm destroying the most
valuable thing I own,

because you're right.
That's what I do.

I drop everything
to help you.

Help my students.
Help my dog.

How'd that work out
for you?
Wow.

I work with kids and
you're the most selfish
person I've ever met.

You still have
your return ticket?

Unless you took it
out of my bag.

Then I suggest you go home.

I never should've left.

(speaking Turkish)

I need to exchange this ticket
for the next flight.

Okay.
You'll fly standby.

It's gate 23 over there.

What do I do
with this one?
Nothing.

Useless now.

(muted audio on video)

Hey, Tiffany.
Can I come in?

It's very lovely.

Excuse me?

Your bracelet.

Oh.
Thank you.

Boyfriend?

No.
From a stranger, actually.

Strangers can sometimes be
more important than we know.

Not this one.
He's unpredictable.

And unreliable.

I organized
the perfect vacation

and he couldn't just
relax and enjoy the plan.

I understand.
My life started
with a plan.

I was introduced to
a boy named Manish when
I was six years old.

We were to be married
when he was 18.

We were both so young
and so scared.

We had nothing in common.

On our wedding day,
we have a ceremony
called Shaka Paula

where the groom
gives the bride

a symbol of a long
and lasting marriage.

A bracelet.
He was just a stranger.

And with a bracelet,
he became my best friend.

Don't the differences
make you crazy?

Why would I want to
be married to myself?

With Manish, every day
is an adventure.

I'm jealous.

You have the security
of knowing your future.

Nobody knows their future.

I just knew who I
wanted to spend it with.

I can't believe this.

You've gotta be
kidding me. So, you, like,

just went to Europe for two
weeks without telling me?

You said you needed time
and space to think about it.

Not with another woman!

You have every right
to be upset.

Thank you for
your permission.

Hey, I mean, you clearly
found someone else, too.

Can I go?

Will you leave him
out of this?

I just wanted to do
the right thing

and let you know that I
realized we're not in love.

Of course we're not, Joshua.
We're comfortable.

I'm not comfortable.

Wait, but I proposed.

Well, I didn't say, "Yes."

Well, you didn't say, "No."

Well, I didn't
wanna hurt you.

That's actually
really sweet.

Hey, thank you.

Will you just
stay out of it, man?

Look, I still cared
about you, dude.

You lost your dog.
And then your job.
That sucked.

But you're always doing crazy
stuff and changing your mind.

And I didn't wanna be a jerk.
But I didn't wanna marry you.

And I just figured if
I gave you enough time,

maybe you'd figure it out.

I'm sorry.

Well what was your plan if
you weren't gonna marry me?

There was no plan.
We were just having fun.

And then we changed.

We didn't change,
we drifted.

You grew up.
But I don't want to.

I still wanna be young
and fun and crazy.

Maybe I'll go
to grad school.

Maybe I'll go to Europe
with strangers.

You wanna go
to Europe?
Shh.

Strangers.

I just can't be
locked into a plan.

Maybe a plan is a good thing.

Wow.
Who's this Joshua?

You must have had
one hell of a vacation.

Yeah, well, it's over now.

It came to an end.

Doesn't have to.

Oh, my God.

You're right!

Wait, where are
you going?

I have a plane to catch.

Wait, can I
have the ring?
No.

Why would I-- What?

(sighing)

Do you do laundry?

Oh, come on, Marcie!

* And where should we go?

* And where
should we go? *

* And where should we go?

* And where
should we go? *

* And where should we go?

* And where should we...

* Go

**

* (whistling)

Today on "What's Trending,"
we have a Viner named Joshua

posting pictures and video of
himself jumping into water

around the world, heartbroken
over a travel vlogger named Amy.

On all of Josh's
video love letters,

he writes the message,
hashtag,

"You Make Me Wanna Jump
Into The Ocean."

Some top comments.

Now, I don't wanna
jump to any conclusions,

but it seems like
Joshua is going viral.

Some words of advice though.

Better soak it up
while you can, Joshua.

I mean, hemp milk is
the new coconut milk.

Hey, Sandra, did you see
the jumper?
Person or sweater?

No, this guy is jumping
in bodies of water

all over the world,
professing his love

for this travel
vlogger named Amy.

My Amy?
Who knows?

But he's got over
4 million followers on Vine.

Holy sh--

(line ringing)

(call chimes)

Hi! So, remember how
we're best friends

and I let you crash
on my couch and I
would do anything

for you and you would do
anything for me?

What do you want?

Have you seen YouTube?

In general?

Girl you're famous.

Oh, no, what did you do?
No, it's Joshua.

He's trying to look for you
and it's going viral!

He's all over Tumblr.
There's a meme of you.

It's like this parody song.

You should just see it.

Wait, how did I
become a meme?

Nobody knows how it works.

Look, I just need to book
you on my show, today.

Wait, what?
Did you miss the part where
you're Internet famous?

"Amy's Adventures" is getting
millions of views out of this!

Well, what am I supposed to
talk about on your show?

I don't care!
Look, Joshua is running

all over the world,
drowning himself.

I need to cover this story

and my best friend
is the exclusive.

Look you know I would be there
for you as a friend, but...

Do you need to make
a pro and con list?

No, it's just...

I've spent the last three months
trying to forget about Joshua.

Well, do you think
you could remember him

in the next three minutes?

Three minutes? You can't
give me more than that?

It's the Internet, Amy.

15 seconds of fame
literally means 15 seconds.

Come on, please?

I'll let you promote
Spontaneous.

What's up, Percolators?
Today's "Expresso Yourself"

is served up live
and exclusive.

My guest proves what
any electrical engineer

could've told us-- to break
the Internet, just add water.

So, Amy, let's dive in.

Tell the people
why this Joshua person

is traveling around
the world, looking for you.

But you know the story.
Amy!

Oh, sorry. Well, I'm
a Global Concierge

for Spontaneous Travel.

Thumbs up if you don't
know what that is.

And, um, three months ago,
I invited a stranger

from the Internet on a
discount trip across Europe.

That sounds like a plot
to a horror film!

Well, it was at first.
We almost killed each other.

Seriously, like, he almost
chopped off her hand.

Finger.
It was complicated.

Joshua and I
met at a bad time.

We were both running
away from something,

but instead,
we found each other.

Yet, here you are,
months later,

being courted by
a guy whose mating call

is the world's loneliest
wet t-shirt contest.

So, Amy, what happened?

Is Joshua the one
that got away?

Well, the truth is,
I messed up.

I thought if I was organized
and focused and safe

that I could control
the future and avoid
getting hurt.

But life has
a plan of its own.

Look, I don't know
where Joshua is or why
he's making these GIFs.

It's pronounced "jiffs."

We shared this incredible

life-changing experience
together.

But it's over now.
It ended.

Well, you know
what they say.

Vacation always
comes to--
No!

Who actually says that?

I always thought that
was part of growing up.

The vacation ends.
The honeymoon is over.

Death and taxes.
But I searched for it,

and it's
not an actual saying.

Happiness doesn't have to
be temporary or special.

There's no reason your
whole life can't feel

like a vacation if you
find the right person.

Got him!
Okay.
All right. Thank you.

Yeah, I can take it
from here.

Joshua.

What are you doing here?

I didn't pay
my parking tickets.

Now would be a good time
to make a speech.

Okay.

Uh look, Amy.

When we got separated, I
couldn't go back to my old life.

I wanted to fix things.

Joshua why don't you
come talk about that
over here, on camera?

I didn't have your number,
so I couldn't call you.

I didn't know where you lived,
so I couldn't go to your house.

So, I went to the one place I
knew I would find you.

The Internet.
I filled up every corner

that I thought would
get your attention.

I mean, I showed millions of
people how I feel about you.

But you didn't
say it to me.

I tried. I just wanted
to finish the plan.

Well, sometimes
the plan changes.

I don't want it to.

I wanna go back to
the way things were,

when you grabbed my hand
and jumped in the water

and changed my life forever.

Amy, we didn't
fall in the ocean.

We fell in love.

And I will keep jumping
and jumping and jumping

if it gets me back to you.

Can someone turn off
the cameras, please?

On it.

You think you can give Josh
Merit a third chance?

No. I'm giving Michael Merit
a shot instead.

I'm not really a Michael.
I felt that.

Okay.

If you guys could wrap this up,
there's a line.

What is the hold up?
Come on.

What is the hold-up?

I'm gonna show you a hold-up.

So, what's the plan?

We make it up.

**

Hey, adventurers.

Apparently, Joshua has
a little surprise for me.

I planned us a trip.
You planned.

I asked Robert to plan,
but it didn't go very well.
Oh, no.

Where are we going?
This is...
Uh...

Why don't you find out?

We're going to--
We're going to--

* You've got
that beautiful... *

* Murder face

**

* Murder face

* Blood in your eyes
and poison in your smile *

**

* I see your murder face

**

* I see your murder face

**

* I see your murder face

* I see
your murder face *

* Yeah *