My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988) - full transcript
An alien is sent on a secret mission to Earth, where she appears as a gorgeous, attractive, and single lady. Her mission is to make contact with a rather nerdy young scientist, who's quite overwhelmed by her attentions, and isn't aware of the connection between her arrival and his work.
Hey, love your umbrella.
Oh, oh. Dr. Mills.
Dr. Budlong.
Morosini,
Carvalho, come with me.
If he thinks he's
going to ruin anymore
equipment
he's underestimated
the facility.
He thinks he's cute,
doesn't he?
Yes, but I was mother's favorite.
Dr. Mills.
-Uh!
-This is the last
time I'll warn you.
I won't let
the Klystron go above 300.
That's what you said
last time it rained,
but you turned it to 350.
Do you know what it costs
to repair a Klystron tube?
I know, Dr.
Budlong. I'm very sorry,
but believe me it
won't happen again.
You have my word on that,
and I promise.
Don't worry.
He can't go blowing up
your Klyman tube
or whatever it is.
We've got a date tonight,
happy hour at Mingles.
Mingles.
You know what that means?
What?
It means
complimentary
hors d'oeuvres.
A veritable who's who
of secretaries
and beauticians.
It means 20th century music.
You look like a sensible man.
You believe there's
life on other planets?
I don't believe
there's life in this room.
Exactly.
Your brother wants
to send a radar signal
to a point in
space so far away...
It'd take 92 years
to get there
and 92 years to get back.
Ninety-two years?
Steve, we're late now.
Indeed. There isn't anything
out there, Dr. Mills.
We're it.
Now don't you go above 300
or I'm revoking your funding.
Now that
Dr. Strangelove
is gone, let's go.
Mingles is at high party.
I can't tonight, Ron.
It's raining.
Tonight I've got
another destination
in mind.
I wanna go right there.
Clouds of Magellan.
It sounds like
some kind of
woman's underwear.
No, the Clouds of Magellan
is the name of our
neighboring galaxy.
You want to
send a radar signal
to the next galaxy?
You can't get radar
to the next galaxy.
You'd have to
travel faster than
the speed of light.
No one can do that.
Don't watch that,
it won't change.
This is the one to watch.
I like the Clouds of Magellan.
We can't get there, Ron.
But if we
increase the power of
the Klystron,
with lightning...
...we may get
a signal strong enough
to get out of
the solar system.
That's the theory, anyway.
Right. Thanks.
Tell me
something I don't know.
Can't this wait?
Secretaries are
like animals
when it
comes to free food.
The reflectors
line up for 10 days
only once every 19 months.
Now, with all this rain
and lightning, it's perfect.
Perfect for men like us.
Christ!
Steve, when was the last time
you went out with a woman?
January of '86.
No. March of '86.
I took Dr. Elizabeth Conway
to see the Halley's
Comet retrospective.
Superb.
You see it?
Sure, a couple of times.
How can we be brothers?
We don't have
a single gene in common.
Not above 300 kilowatts.
Hi.
-Hi.
-No, no. I'm not
waving at you.
Okay. Thank you. Have fun.
We have no time to
sweep frequencies.
We'll lower it
below three centimetres.
But below?
Oh! It's raining out here.
I'm getting wet!
This jacket is a Ralph Lauren!
And it's smelly.
Great, just great.
I'm wet and smelly.
They're gonna
jump all over me.
Hey! Do you guys smell fish?
Oh!
Oh! It's me!
Help me rotate the dish.
Where's this
lightning supposed to strike?
Right here.
Here?
That almost hit my shoe.
Excuse me.
All the way up.
I hate this.
What the hell is this thing?
Klystron tube.
Potential of 400 megawatts,
at an oscillation
of 60 gigahertz.
Great. Why don't we
take this to Mingles?
Science crap.
Stupid piece of garbage.
Now all we gotta do
is harness the lightning.
Yes, it's good.
Let's try for lightning.
Is this important?
Only if it works.
Okay, deep breath.
Set your retractors.
How long is this gonna take?
Single women have
short attention spans.
Prepare to
initiate the system.
Now!
Oh, Jesus!
-We got it!
-Look at it!
WE got it. We got it.
It's going! I love you!
-What is happening?
Steve! What's happening?
Mills!
Mills!
What is happening?
The Klystron!
Wow!
WOMAN OVER PA: We have
a red condition
in the second unit.
MAN: Fire control!
The laboratory area.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
-Beautiful!
What?
My God!
I didn't only get out
of the solar system,
I just went out of the galaxy.
That means we were
traveling faster
than the speed of light.
How the hell did we do that?
Hey, Doctor.
-I just... We just...
GIRL: Eleven seconds
on the clock.
Down by one. Mills fakes left.
Goes around Magic Johnson.
Puts Kareem in
the popcorn machine.
-And...
Why can't I dunk?
Is that asking so much?
You got out of the galaxy
and they fired you?
We were using
lightning to boost
the power of the Klystron.
I shorted every
telemetry tracker
in the place
and all my monitors.
So there's no proof.
That's not fair.
What are we going to do?
I might just have to take a...
What?
Take a teaching job.
You know how that is?
One position for
every 16 applicants.
I could double my babysitting.
Or take up a newspaper route.
Do girls do that now?
It's beautiful up there.
Hmm.
Two hundred billion
stars in our galaxy.
Wow!
That's really my
office up there.
I wish Mom could
have lived long enough
to see you get
out of the galaxy.
She'd be having
the whole block in
for champagne!
Think you'll ever find
anyone like her again?
Oh, boy. Jess, I don't know.
The chances of me
finding another woman
like your mother
are the same...
...as me proving
there's life on another
planet up there.
Figure one in 16 billion.
All right, Larry Byrd,
what's for dinner?
Fish sticks. Pop tarts.
Frozen pizza.
Whatever else we can nuke
in the microwave.
What do you say, Dave?
Can we see Sirius tonight?
You know, it's also
called the Dog Star.
Come on.
CELESTE: It's quite
a small planet, really.
MAN: Half the size
of ours,
but very busy.
-Have you mastered it yet?
-Of course.
You know how
superb our research is.
All I have to do
is teach you everything
I know in 20 minutes.
We're at light 30
approaching light 35.
This is a record glide speed.
They didn't think
we'd make it this fast.
Look, it's Saturn.
-Could we stop
there on the way back?
-Maybe.
Why can't I fit
Neptune into this picture?
Wait. That works.
Neptunians won't
like it, though.
Let's see here.
Look at Neptune now!
-Dad, we'll be late
for Uncle Ron's party.
-Look at Neptune.
I haven't finished
the M.l.T.
proposal yet.
Come on.
I hate leaving
the universe in such a mess.
Here, put this on.
Look at this.
Do these things ever work? No.
The modern light
bulb has a half-life
of about 10 minutes.
I'm going to take it apart.
It's not the bulb,
it's the switch.
You've been meaning
to fix it, remember.
Dad, you're impossible.
Do we have any socks?
See, I knew I had
a pair in reserve.
And they're dry.
I've been cooking
'em since yesterday.
Daddy, look at me.
Do you see anything
different about me?
Ah!
I'm wearing a bra.
You can't be! You're only 13!
My God!
You're 13.
A bra? Uh.
Well, did you get
the right strap size?
Cup size. Yeah, A-minus.
Well, well, well.
Where have I been?
CELESTE: How can I learn
everything I need to know
in only six more minutes?
MAN: This is a very
backward planet.
The Mondschein 40
is the most advanced
research facility in
the northern universe.
Research has
determined you must be
the most desirable
woman on the planet.
Men on Earth will
fall to their knees...
Betray their
countries and give away
real estate for
a beautiful woman.
That's silly.
CELESTE: Will I need to eat?
MAN: No. We'll only be in the
place for 24 hours.
This is the most
important assignment
any of us has undertaken.
CELESTE: I feel
so poorly prepared.
You're the Earth expert.
But you are the
Chief Extragalactic Probist.
You know
the Council's directive.
I can only be your adviser.
Are you sure this
research is accurate?
Celeste, the Mondschein 40
is never wrong.
Oh!
Right. Let's go.
Hors d'oeuvres?
Kimberly.
-You met my brother Steve?
-No.
You gotta watch out for him,
but in the best sense.
He cares too deeply,
like a sparrow.
You've got
something on your lip.
A little dip there.
I think flossing is
so important, too.
When I get up in the morning,
I don't even go to
the bathroom first.
I floss and then I go.
That's so great.
Ron, I'm beginning to think
you're avoiding me.
-Hi.
-Ahem.
Oh, hi.
Are you Dr. Steve Mills?
He's the guy
dancing with his daughter.
Hors d'oeuvres?
Thank you. Delicious.
Hello.
Are you Dr. Steve Mills?
Yes.
Will you tell me
the composition
of your radar beam or not?
Oh, ho. Which one?
Now, you don't fool me.
Your favorite color is red.
Your favorite
food is lasagna,
and your favorite
rocking is Pink Fred.
Actually, I prefer green,
I'm allergic to all pasta...
...and my favorite
rock is Rachmaninoff.
Of course you'd say that.
I think it's Pink Floyd,
not Pink Fred right, Jessie?
Pink Fred is their nickname.
Would you hold
this for me, please?
"Hey, hey we're the Monkees
"People say we monkey around
"But we're too busy singing
to put anybody down."
What?
Do you know what they say?
"Nixon's the One!"
Dick Nixon?
Okay.
See you later, bro.
Sailor, I like your jeep.
You've broken my
heart for the last time.
You've broken my heart
for the last time, too.
Do you have any spinach,
my hands are freezing?
"I'm Popeye the sailor man
I'm Popeye the sailor man
"I'm strong to the 'finich'
'cause I eats me spinach
"I'm Popeye the sailor man
Toot, toot"
"This Bud's for you."
Baby!
Now will you tell
me the composition
of your radar beam?
Wackygram, right?
RON: Encore! Encore!
This is a nightmare.
Your research was all wrong!
The food was all wrong!
This dress is strange
and what is this thing?
This hat is too big.
And everything I
said was crazy.
MAN: Now just a second.
Don't blame it all on me.
I never told you
they used spinach
to keep their hands warm.
Daddy, who was that?
I don't know.
But I feel
kinda sorry for her.
I don't think
anybody liked her.
Did you?
Oh!
How are we ever going
to get Dr. Steve
to transmit his signal now?
He thinks I'm a lunatic.
MAN: Now just calm down.
You've got to
go back in there.
And you...
-Hi.
-Hi.
Tough room.
-I'm really sorry
how rude I was in there.
-No, no!
You weren't rude.
You were very entertaining.
In fact, I thought you were
a professional of some kind.
Believe me, they'll be telling
their grandchildren about it.
Have you done
any interesting radar
astronomy transmissions...
Which may have penetrated
other galaxies
in the last few days?
Yes, I have.
Well, what happened?
-It's pretty complex.
-Try me.
That was
the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.
I mean, er,
second most beautiful.
Erm, third.
A dog.
The system.
I blew out every resistance
backup in the place...
Including
telemetry trackers.
Those boys from
defense were so mad.
'Cause that's what they use
for tracking missiles...
I must be boring
the pants off you.
-No. They're still on.
-Good.
Then what happened, Dr. Steve?
I don't really
know what happened.
It must have been something
I did in the lab.
Maybe I forgot to take a note
or dropped a setting.
Show me what you did.
Show me in your mighty lab.
I can't. They fired me.
You know I'm a little cold.
Would you mind
very much if I just...
Stuck my hands
right in your pockets?
Oh, yes, that's better.
So, Celeste...
-Where are you from?
-Hmmm.
The nether-lands.
Oh, Holland.
No, the Nether-lands.
Hmm.
For an astronomer
you have the most
wonderful fibers.
And you've got yourself
a handful right now.
I can't get back in that lab.
They're gonna kiss!
Does he know how?
Well, of course.
I saw him do it once in 1983.
I'm a bad apple.
Excuse me a minute.
I shouldn't be
wearing this, should I?
Oh!
It's very nice.
Then what should I wear?
Oh, thank you.
I won't forget this.
Hold this.
What are you doing now?
I have to change.
This is inappropriate.
Might I suggest
a more conventional spot?
Like the backseat of my car.
Oh! Okay.
There. I'm changed.
Is this acceptable?
Is the drool apparent?
I'm sorry, Dr. Mills,
we have strict orders
from Dr. Budlong...
Not to let you
in the building.
I left something in my office.
It was a fuzzy
Carebear pencil holder.
Excuse me.
I'm from DARPA.
The Defense Advance Research
Project Agency...
With instructions
to tour this facility.
May I see some lD?
Here.
See Department of Defense.
She's with DARPA.
I'm with her.
All settings are the same.
They haven't changed a thing.
Dr. Steve, this is only
a Jansky-based telescope.
Part of what used to
be called a vast array.
Used to?
I see you had to
use enormous thrust.
Where's the Klystron?
Hold on, I'll see
what they did with it.
-Good evening, Olaf.
-Good evening.
It's nice to have
Dr. Mills back.
-What do you mean?
-He's in his lab now.
In his lab?
There's nothing
powerful enough
to have broken
through our shields.
It's clear how
the reflectors work.
They're not
equipped to discover
this kind of power
for another century.
How did they get it so fast?
I mean, they haven't even
figured out Stonehenge.
He must be
holding something back.
Dr. Steve is lying.
Who are you?
Who? Me?
What are you doing here?
Where's Mills?
Get away from my equipment.
I've got to be on my way home.
I've got to get
home to that good pie.
Just grab the handrail there.
Welcome to my office.
Sender number KD113B.
Just like all
the rest of them,
but it's mine.
Did you ever think
what you were doing
by invading another galaxy?
It wasn't an invasion.
Here was this galaxy,
minding its own business.
Perhaps a galaxy
where war
no longer exists.
People all live in harmony.
Things don't go around
with such whizzings.
You're shaking. Why?
Because I've
wanted to kiss you
from the first
moment I saw you.
What?
You looked so
beautiful and vulnerable,
then you started rhyming...
And doing all that talking
and singing and stuff and...
I just wanted to
use everything I know
about radar
astronomy to protect you.
Would you mind
if I kissed you?
Does it hurt?
Not the way I do it.
Ah!
Mmm.
Ah!
Argh!
Ah! Oh!
Okay.
I have never felt
anything like that
in my entire life.
Do I now have to
eat the chocolate
from Pennsylvania?
Listen, I think we'd
better get out of here.
Are you sure you've
told me everything
about the transmission?
I think so.
But perhaps we should
explore it a little further.
I'd better take you home.
No, that's too far.
We must go to your place.
Are you feeling
what I'm feeling?
More.
I'm dreaming.
"Life could be a dream
"Sha-boom."
As your great poet says.
Yeah.
Welcome to
the Mills residence.
What is this?
Hats.
This one is
a collector's item.
Actually belonged
to Jimmy Durante.
Who?
"Goodnight Mrs. Calabash,
wherever you are."
He was a song and dance man
in the movies.
Come on in,
this is the palace.
Help yourself.
Sit down. Steal an ashtray.
I have to go check on Jessie.
Please don't leave...
Or otherwise
I'll be forced
to crawl up
under my bed and
suck dust forever.
So what's going on here?
Could it be that he
really doesn't know
how he made the transmission?
-Ah!
-What's that?
-ALIEN: Canine.
Highly revered on this planet.
Usually found
in the company
of fire hydrants.
Now look, Dr. Steve's lying.
Don't leave him alone.
But he doesn't even care
about that anymore.
Didn't you see
during that kissing thing?
His skin got hot and
his heartbeat went up.
And suddenly there was
a lot more of him down there.
ALIEN: It's an act.
Government
types on this planet
are trained to lie.
Go find him.
He may be burning papers
right this minute!
Oh, God!
She's beautiful, isn't she?
Yes. Who is she?
My daughter, Jessie.
Short.
Short? She's only 13.
Thirteen?
How old does she look?
Six,
seven hundred,
just short.
Why don't we go in here?
My bedroom?
Well, you said you wanted
to talk. Why go all
the way downstairs?
Say, do you think
I'm a billionaire?
Or somebody on
television or somebody
-who's really
important or something?
-No.
You're Steven Mills, Ph.D.
A very obscure physicist
who makes $25,000 a year.
And you still
want to go in here?
Yowza.
Yowza?
You make me laugh.
I mean, you're
the first person that has
really made me laugh since...
Look, if we do go
in there, you know,
I might probably
want to do more kissing.
Surely. It was very pleasant.
But I hope that's
not all you want to do.
Remember me?
You're so wonderful.
You're funny,
you're intelligent
and you understand my work...
And now you
want to have sex.
I wanna have sex?
-Don't you?
-Do you?
Yes!
Well, I do, too.
As soon as
I find out what it is.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Of course.
What is sex?
Uh, what?
"What?" You heard what I said.
What is sex?
Give me a second.
One second.
Take a look at this.
Deleted.
What good is deleted?
Now, don't get excited.
Just a second.
One little second. Here it is.
Your penis is a weapon.
Just like your rifle.
The military
expects you to protect it
and keep it dry.
All right, men,
if you'll open your manuals.
What? Is that it?
Take it easy.
Oh. Here's something else.
What does this mean,
Debbie Does Dallas?
Debbie Does Des Moines.
Debbie Does Dusseldorf.
Busy girl, that Debbie.
What's this?
Woah!
ALIEN: Look behind you.
Woo!
I can do that. I guess.
CELESTE: I don't believe it.
Woo!
Why, that's disgusting.
Oh! I can't, that right there.
Woah!
Look, that's
the most weirdest thing
I've ever seen.
That's why we gave it up
3,000 years ago.
You think I could do that?
Sure. Except for fuel
you're human inside and out.
But do you want to?
The kissing wasn't so bad.
You're not leaving me here!
Oh. Yes, I am.
I have been
ordered to stay
with you at all times,
to observe everything you do!
Forget it.
Bitch!
My God, you're beautiful.
Ah!
-Are you all right?
Oh, yes, don't stop.
Woah!
Do you see...
Oh! Dr. Steve,
that was so wonderful.
I feel like
I've been hit by a train.
And I don't think
you need to call me
Dr. Steve anymore.
Steve, you're so stupid.
We could have
been doing this
the whole time.
We only met three hours ago.
I know. What took you so long?
Do others know about this?
About us?
I don't see how they could.
No, about making love.
You could
become very famous if
others in the world
knew you could do this.
-Really?
-Oh. Yes.
Didn't think I did
it any differently
than anybody else.
You mean everybody does this?
Think of all
the energy produced.
Properly
channeled that energy could
propel half your
people out of the galaxy.
Oh, wow!
We did some
computer runs in the lab
and figured if
we could harness
the energy output from
the male members
of the Sheen family
we could put the state
of lllinois on Pluto.
I really don't think
I can do this again so soon.
Yes, you can.
-Celeste?
-What?
Celeste, why me?
Because you're sensitive
and you're an outsider
and you worked so hard
to get through M.l.T
and you have two Ph.D.'s
and a delightful innocence.
Just all
the qualities of a dreamer.
I know you had
some really bad luck
five years ago when...
Your wife died and left you
with a daughter, Jessie, 13.
That's who
the short person was.
Wait a minute.
Where'd you get
all those details?
I can read it. In your eyes.
That's kid's stuff.
This is no help.
Oh!
Ahh! Ugh!
Whiteside, I'm here to spend
Christmas with you.
I think.
I may stay a month
or I may leave immediately.
I don't know.
Things are so uncertain.
* Did you ever have
the feeling
you wanted to go
* And still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay
* You knew it was right,
Wasn't wrong
* Still you knew you
Wouldn't be very long
* It's tough to
have the feeling
you wanted to go
* Still have
the feeling that you
wanted to stay, start to go
* Change your mind
start and go again
But changed your mind again
* Did you ever
have the feeling
you wanted to go
* Still have the feeling
you wanted to stay
* Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Si-Do
* I go
* I'll stay
Shut up you
reform school fugitive.
Whiteside, I love ya.
I love ya.
Dave, bon appetit.
Dave, how are you
and your 1,000
fleas this morning?
Are you okay?
Yes, I'm okay.
Jessie, Celeste.
Celeste, my daughter, Jessie.
I know.
You stayed here?
Just overnight.
But dad
that's fabulous.
I gotta go.
Be true to your school.
Happy short person. Daughter.
Almost as happy
as her old man.
Who is that?
Me.
Yes, I am happy, too.
I think...
Yes?
Will I scare you
if I tell you I love you?
Not unless you hit
me at the same time.
I'm serious.
So am l.
Then let's go away.
Let's go to San Francisco.
Or Vancouver? Or Anchorage?
No, I have to leave tonight.
Leave? Where you going?
Home.
To the Netherlands?
You can call it Holland now.
I know what you mean. Yes.
When are you going to be back?
No, I'm never coming back.
Never coming back? Why?
Why can't you ever come back?
-Well l...
-Celeste.
I hate to sound desperate,
but this news makes
me sound desperate.
I'm desperate. Celeste,
I know this is sudden
but you're
the most incredible thing
that's ever happened to me.
I look in your face
and I can't believe
what I feel for you.
I'm hopelessly, insanely,
out of my mind
in love with you.
I can't let you go.
Walk out of my life.
I mean, I can't.
Not now, not ever.
Without you there is no life.
And?
Will you marry me?
Marry you?
Yes. Please.
This is a strange development.
I know it's sudden
and quick and all.
Not if you consider
I've been waiting
five years for you.
You see, before I met you
all I could think
about was science.
Now I can't even
think about that anymore.
All I care about is you.
Your eyes, your skin,
your hair, your face.
Do you think you could think
about science if
we got married?
Well, yes, sure.
If only I knew you were
going to be with me
and you
weren't going anywhere.
I know it's kinda
sudden and everything,
so I'll tell you what.
Why don't you
take a short walk
and think about it?
Okay, I'll think it over.
You're not
going out like that,
are you?
No. Of course not.
She's an original.
She's gotta say yes.
You said you'd
prepare me for 24 hours,
and here it's
only been 12 hours.
You didn't tell me "spinach,"
you didn't tell me "kiss",
you didn't
tell me "have sex,"
and what about "marry"?
Do things always happen
so fast on this planet?
ALIEN: I don't think so.
You can't walk
down the street
looking like this.
Oh! Yes, I can.
I know how this planet works.
They'll think I'm starting
some kind of
trend or something.
I want you to
contact the Council and
I want them here,
I want them here now!
Why here?
ALIEN: They said they
needed an open field.
I found it in the phone book.
What goes on here?
Is it Christians and lions?
ALIEN: No, wrong time frame.
Where is the transmission?
We're making progress, sir.
Our gravity has
increased threefold!
Does the subject
suspect who you are?
-No.
-Does the girl?
ALIEN: She saw Celeste
put magazines into me
and a dress come out.
Kill her!
Don't worry. She's nothing.
Short, inexperienced,
just a daughter.
But we do have one problem.
Yes?
The subject says he will be
unable to think
about science
unless he marries me!
Well, marry him!
But we don't know
what "marry" is.
One moment.
Yes, the Mondschein 40 says
marriage is this,
"He goes off to
fight the Turks,
and you put on a lock. "
No, no.
Yes. Wrong century.
Marriage is this,
"You cook and clean
and bring him martinis. "
Wrong again?
This is ridiculous.
Yes, wrong decade.
Too old fashioned.
"The modern marriage:
There are no rules
or responsibilities.
"But if he does
something wrong,
"you can set him on
fire while he sleeps.
"And go on a talk show
where everyone will
forgive you and love you. "
There's only one drawback,
you'll have to have more sex.
I'll do it.
Immediately.
Yes, sir. I know
tomorrow's the last day
the reflectors are
in line for 19 months.
What if there is no lightning?
We will provide the lightning.
Just keep that man fed
and keep his feet clean.
You're fading.
Yes, I know, it's our gravity.
Now remember,
you are our last hope.
If we don't get that
transmission from him,
our planet is doomed.
Yes, sir.
But daddy, this is so quick.
I mean, you only
met her last night.
It was the same
with your mother.
At least with mom
you waited a week.
Your mother
and I knew
on the first night.
Are you crazy?
You don't know
a thing about her.
I know all I need to know.
I've already gone
through this, Uncle Ron.
She's after your money!
Ron, I don't even
have a ball of lint
and a lead slug
to rub together.
She's got a trust fund.
She has a trust fund?
Oh!
You know, I don't get it.
Why does this happen to you?
I know! Citizenship!
She wants citizenship.
She wants to
take jobs away from
Americans and give
'em to Dutch people!
Yeah, that's why she's here.
But it's so unfair.
I mean, you know...
It's my own brother marrying
the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.
And he met her
at my apartment.
Ron,
I appreciate your concern.
This is
something I really want.
Haven't you wanted
something so much
that nothing else mattered?
It's your wedding,
I'm gonna tell you.
There's only one
woman in the world
that I will ever marry.
Princess Stephanie of Monaco.
Really?
I never knew you
had a thing for her.
What makes her the lucky lady?
Because she's the most perfect
woman in the world.
She'd have
nothing to do with me.
Ron, brush up on
your French lessons
and your tennis,
maybe it'll happen.
But right now
I'm going to marry
my Princess Stephanie.
So wish me luck.
You've had too
much luck already.
Ah! Where did she
get a wedding dress
on two hours notice?
Does she just carry
one around with her,
in case of emergencies?
I hope so.
Now would you go downstairs
and please be best man?
Uncle Ron, go!
You wanna see my date?
She's 6 foot 2.
Okay.
Go and tell Celeste it's time.
CELESTE: I'll have to leave
you on the chair.
ALIEN: Can't you wear me?
No, I'd look too strange.
I'm so hungry.
Good thing we stopped
at the hardware store.
ALIEN: Ah!
D-cells.
Primitive, but nutritious.
Oh!
-Dad, she ate batteries!
-What?
She took three "D" batteries
out of a paper
bag and ate them.
She flattened them
like a Tootsie Roll wrapper.
And she was talking to
someone who wasn't
even in the room.
I love you more
than anyone else
in the world.
Nothing's going
to come between us.
Daddy, she ate batteries.
Jessie, I want you
to stop this right now.
ALIEN: Back off, Alpo breath.
Dearly beloved...
ALIEN: Sit! Roll over!
Play dead!
I've only known
Celeste for eight minutes,
but I can tell she
has love for Steve
who I've also
known for eight minutes.
ALIEN: You're digging
your own grave, Fido.
And do you
Celeste van Martin
take Steven Mills
to be your
lawfully wedded husband?
In sickness
For richer and or poorer,
till death do you part?
-I do.
-I now pronounce
you man and wife.
ALIEN: I'm looking over
my dead dog Rover"
-Get that dog down!
-You left me alone again!
I was getting married!
STEVE: Honey!
What happened?
Maybe it's a Dutch custom.
They say
"I do," bolt for
the lawn and start digging.
Maybe she's
planting tulip bulbs.
Honey, how on earth
did Dave get up there! Look!
Dave! Don't move!
Volunteers! Jeff, Woody!
May I be the first
to kiss the bride?
Sure.
I got him!
Oh. Wow!
Where'd you get this dress?
It's him!
Quick, dad, the brush!
I'm coming.
Here it is. I've got it here.
The brush.
Okay. Easy.
My God, you look beautiful.
Thanks, dad.
I hope he likes me.
I hope you like him.
Hi. I'm Fred. The date.
These are for you, doll.
Thank you.
I'm Steve, Jessie's dad.
-This is Mrs. Mills.
-Nice to meet you.
Mouth jewelry.
Uh!
Oh, right, my braces.
My wife's from Holland, so...
Sure.
You wore flats. Great.
So.
Have a great time.
She'll be safe with me, sir.
Bye.
Did that kid
look shifty to you?
Hadn't you better
get back to work now?
What? You gotta be kidding,
on our wedding night?
I don't think so.
God, I love you!
Hello.
MAN: Lucas Budlong, please.
It's for you.
Hello.
-Budlong, is that you?
-Yes.
This is Carl Sagan.
Carl Sagan?
It's Carl Sagan.
I'm assigned to
the President's Committee
on Extraterrestrials
the Most Important
None More Secret Committee.
No, I didn't know that.
Of course.
And he has personally
authorized me
to instruct you
to put Dr. Steve Mills
back to work at
Haddonkirk
Laboratories tomorrow.
Mills? But he
almost blew the place...
Shut up, Budlong.
No arguments.
We can't afford to waste
billions and
billions of dollars.
Have I made
myself clear, Meathead?
Yes. I...
And how's Skippy?
She's fine.
Tell her I asked after her.
A beautiful, desirable woman.
Yes, sir.
Who is Carl Sagan?
Bravo, Bag.
Now we've got to get Dr. Steve
something to eat.
You're right.
He should have no excuses
not to work.
Ah!
Hands on the wheel!
That's what we need.
$416.80.
What's this?
It's a diamond.
I'm sorry,
we don't take diamonds
at this branch. Money only.
Haven't you got
anything smaller?
What did I just do?
It's called a sneeze.
From the flour.
But only humans are
supposed to do it.
What did it feel like?
Very funny.
Very good. Very liberating.
This is my house.
I actually had a good time.
Maybe we can do
it again sometime.
Maybe next time
we can even dance.
-I am starving.
-Okay.
Just what I needed.
I could have
a banquet down this block.
ALIEN: We've got work to do.
All right.
Did you see Uncle
Ron's new invention?
It's an all-snap shirt where
the snaps look like buttons.
Great?
Except they rust in the wash.
-Good morning, dear.
-Good morning.
I made you breakfast,
my family.
So that's what
you've been up to?
Did you sleep well?
-Yes.
-Did you?
Hello.
Oh. Dr. Budlong.
How are you?
Fine. Thank you.
No, I don't know Dr.
Sagan personally.
The President's Most Secret
None More Secret?
Oh!
I've been thinking, too.
About the explosion
and the damage and everything.
Really? You mean it?
When can I start back?
No, not today.
Today's my honeymoon.
Yeah. A foreign gal.
She's a head-spinner.
Fine.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Surely you and Skippy
must remember from
your own experience.
This is Mrs. Mills.
lgnore my husband
on anything but science.
He'll be there in 15 minutes.
Maybe less. Yes, bye.
Sweetie, wait a minute.
I don't wanna
go to work today.
It's our honeymoon.
I wanna clean
the place up for you.
I'll clean the house
so you don't see a dust.
I'm Dutch. Did you ever see
a dirty street in Hague?
We are ready to clean.
Great, let's do it together.
And we can watch
my Durante tapes.
Let's put an end
to this silly
argument right now.
I'll arm-wrestle you for it.
Winner cleans.
You sure you
really want to do this?
Come on.
One, two, three.
Okay, lady wins.
Now let's eat right
up and get to work.
That's quite
a forearm you've got there.
And remember the thrust.
Four hundred
megawatts and lightning
isn't enough to
go extragalactic.
-What's this?
-Your martini.
Would you like one, dear?
No, thank you.
Oh, yes.
Oh!
And finally,
your turkey.
Dig right in.
Eat fast,
solve all your problems,
and fulfill yourself.
I'll make the beds.
Wow! Quite a spread.
Daddy, don't you think
this is pretty strange?
Your stepmother's
just full of surprises.
I know how happy you are...
And I wouldn't do
anything in the world
to get in the way
of that happiness.
-But last night,
after my date...
-Your date?
How'd your date go?
Fine, but Dad, I saw her drink
the battery juice
from your Honda.
Jessie!
Not only that, I saw her lift
a burning hot pan
with her bare hands!
Now I wish I didn't
have to go to the lab.
-Your new mother...
-Stepmother!
Stepmother
loves you very much.
She's concerned
that she won't fit in
around here.
She knows
there'll be problems...
Dad, if the car
won't start, will you at least
give me
the benefit of the doubt?
Nothing happened, Jess.
You must have dreamed it.
-Bye.
-Not you.
ALIEN: We do the rest
of the house
in 14 seconds.
Then Council
provides the lightning.
He does the transmission...
...and we head
the 92 light years home.
Setty Lab. This is Mills.
Dad, come home right away.
The house is on fire.
Ah!
You can't leave now!
What if we get rain?
Jessie!
-Stay away from me.
No, it's not what you think.
CELESTE: Jessie.
You are an alien!
Oh, my God!
And you!
Quiet!
-Bag, let her down!
-Not yet.
What do you want?
We're from
Co-sign into the Eighth.
Ninety-two light years
and two solar systems away.
Your father
penetrated our atmosphere
with a radar
beam nine days ago.
We must duplicate
that transmission
in 12 hours
or our civilization
will be destroyed.
Is that why you're here?
But he doesn't
know how he did it!
We assume that's a lie.
No, it's not.
You should know
him well enough
to know he doesn't lie.
Could that be the truth?
Could it be it was
just an accident?
No!
The teenager is lying, too.
No, I don't think so.
We have to find out
or we'll never
be able to leave.
Leave?
But what about my father?
He loves you.
For the first time
in five years
he loves someone.
You're gonna kill that in him.
He'll never recover.
Celeste doesn't care.
Right, Celeste?
Right, Celeste?
Right.
If you don't say anything,
we'll let you down.
No, we won't!
I'm in charge of this mission.
Will you not tell your father
until we've gone?
Yes, just don't hurt him.
-Let her down.
-Celeste!
-Let her down!
That wasn't necessary.
Give the dog back his bark.
Celeste, your attitude sucks.
-Ciao , baby.
-STEVE: What's this
about a fire?
Daddy!
You said there was a fire!
What's going on?
I had to say there was a fire.
What was I to say?
"The living room's spotless,
come home."
Why did you call me?
Why did you lie?
I had to.
Daddy, you married a person
from another planet.
Celeste doesn't
come from Holland.
She comes from
a place 92 light years
and two solar systems away.
Not again. You're
going in for counseling.
She does.
She took away Dave's bark
and put me on
the ceiling for ten minutes.
Celeste is not
from another planet.
Your stepmother
is not an alien.
I mean,
please, this is a fantasy.
Don't you think I know aliens?
It's my business to know.
Why do we never
see her eat or sleep?
And how come we suddenly
get a new living room
in one afternoon?
And inside that bag
there's a horrible eye.
Just like why my
car wouldn't start
this morning?
Just look inside.
Okay.
I come home from the lab
to look in a purse.
Lipstick. Passion pink.
Mascara. Unusual
for a purse, isn't it?
Q-tips.
An eye!
Jessie,
there's no eye in here.
She made it disappear.
There was one in there.
And she did lift up the bacon
without a potholder.
And what about all that food
she cooked for breakfast?
You don't have an answer
and you won't believe me.
And she's gonna be
gone in 12 hours,
and why won't
you listen to me?
Now, honey, come on.
Jessie, come here.
Hey, Jessie.
Jessie, where are you going?
Come back here, Jessie.
Get off the street!
Jessie, you bring
that bike back here now!
Hey, come on.
What's wrong?
Come on!
No!
-Jessie.
-Daddy.
I'm sorry, I didn't see her.
Is she all right?
She's okay.
I didn't see her.
It's all right.
You gave yourself
away to save my life.
I'll be right back.
Do you really have to go?
It's the same on
both our planets.
Just when you
get to know someone
they have to leave.
My mom, I mean, my first mom,
had to leave, too.
I know you have to go.
This isn't your home.
I understand that.
Can you at least
wait till morning?
I'll try.
Where's your spaceship?
Behind your moon, Steve.
What do you do up there?
Meditate?
Plan how to break hearts?
If you know what they are.
We are where you
will be in 55 centuries.
If you make it.
I'm 1,296 years old.
We reproduce by
synthesiz in a petri dish.
We use 104 percent
of our brain capacity
as opposed to your 36 percent.
Our lives are spent
in perfect harmony
improving our
civilization with none of
the erratic highs
and lows you have here.
I see.
Sort of like Switzerland.
Why do you
reproduce in a petri dish?
We learned that sex was
inefficient and messy.
So you got rid of it,
just like that?
I must admit,
we were a little hasty
on that one.
You mean I married a virgin?
Mother would be proud.
Don't you ever do stuff like
go on vacation?
Sure we do.
What do you do on vacation?
Math.
What do you do to have fun?
Oh. Graphs.
We go to warm places together
and hold hands.
It's too bad you
don't eat food.
You might find it could be
quite pleasurable.
You get pleasure out of food?
-Here.
-No, thank you.
If you want my secrets
you'll eat my sandwich.
Chew!
Wow!
This is fun. What is it?
Oh!
Ham and cheese
on rye with mayo.
And I love the way
it feels against
the roof of my mouth
and the sides of my tongue.
This is fun.
Here, wash it down.
This makes me smile, too.
Seagram's Scotch Whiskey.
Celeste?
Did you ever like me?
Steve, of course I did. I do.
It wasn't just physics?
No. If I were
an Earth person I would do
exactly what we did.
It might have taken
a little longer, but...
Then why can't you stay?
I just can't.
What if I never sent
the transmission again?
Then nobody would be able
to use it against you ever.
Unfortunately
that's not the history
of your planet.
And if you don't do
that transmission,
my planet will die.
-Are you mad at me?
-Mad?
I'm furious.
I'm confused, I'm upset,
I'm frustrated, I'm furious!
You're
everything I ever wanted
in a human and
an extraterrestrial.
If I send the transmission,
which I don't
know how to do
and save your planet,
I lose you.
If I don't send it,
you stay but I
kill a whole planet.
But I'd make
a lousy Earth person.
I made way too much breakfast,
and the dog hates me.
The dog loves you.
We all love you.
Don't you see,
that's why it's so hard.
That's why I'm so torn apart.
I feel like Durante.
"Did you ever have the feeling
that you wanted to go
"Still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay
"Knew it was
right wasn't wrong
"Go stay, stay go"
That's exactly how I feel.
You know this song?
I feel just like
you and Durante.
I don't wanna go,
but I can't stay.
I feel only one way.
I want you to stay.
Boy, talk about
being tied to your work.
I spend my whole
career trying to prove
there's life on
other planets
and when I
find it, I marry it.
Lightning.
Ah!
You shocked me.
Static electricity.
The metal in Ron's snaps.
Ah!
Snaps.
Ron's buttons.
The cage around the Klystron.
That's the wild card! Come on.
He knows.
He's a true scientist.
You realize,
of course, as soon as
we've made contact
we'll have to leave.
I'm aware of that.
Right after we kill them.
Kill them?
Not just them.
The whole thing.
What do you call it? Earth.
We're not killing anybody.
We'll get what we need
and leave Earth
as we found it.
I'm afraid not.
We're wiping out everything.
People, land mass, water.
The Council has told
me to take care of it.
We're not going
to do anything.
Eight minutes after he
transmits that signal...
Here's Earth!
Jessie, sweetie! It's time.
Come on, get up.
Ah!
Be careful.
Yeah.
CELESTE: Ron, it's Celeste.
Celeste! It's Ron!
Ron,
it's just not working out.
Steve and I simply
aren't compatible.
What?
Our physical relationship
just isn't what it should be.
I need to talk to someone.
I need to talk to you.
-About your
physical relationship?
Yeah.
Could you come
to the lab, and we
could discuss these
matters of the flesh?
The flesh? Yes, sure.
But, I mean, he's my brother.
But we don't need to tell
Steve everything.
And Ron, would you mind
doing me a little favor?
I left my purse in
the bedroom at home.
Bye.
This is terrible.
What am I going to do?
He's my own brother!
This is terrible.
My own brother!
-And yet.
Where've you been all day?
This rain could
stop at any minute.
Grady, we need a conductor.
A conductor.
Solid tin.
Next year when they give out
that Nobel Prize
I'll be up there,
and I'll tell them about...
Steve, darling.
See what did it?
Ronnie put his jacket
on the chair and it
had brass buttons.
It was a short circuit.
Electrical impulse
bouncing between
the Klystron and
the fried buttons.
It threw the power way beyond
400 megawatts!
Telescope's all set,
Dr. Mills.
You won't forget
to tell Dr. Sagan
how helpful I've been?
Carl Sagan? Sure.
Now all we need
is the lightning.
Watch the monitors.
That's where the action is.
All right, put these on.
Put those on.
Okay, set your attractors.
Set your attractors.
Steve, I have to talk to you.
Bag!
You've signed your own
death warrant, sister!
Prepare to
initiate the system.
Prepare to
initiate the system.
I've got to.
I want to kill myself.
I'm in love with your wife.
-What?
-Steve, the reflectors.
Ready!
-Now!
Jesus!
Great! Nothing's changed here!
Daddy, look!
I know!
I'll be damned!
We did it again!
Science!
Steve,
didn't you hear what I said?
I am in love with your wife.
She's in love with me.
It's a whole thing.
We gotta talk.
Get rid of that bag.
The bag?
That bag will
destroy your planet.
Babe, I love ya,
we'll get rid of the bag.
I mean, what's in it?
A little eyeliner,
a little lipstick,
a little eye.
Lights out!
T-minus ten
seconds and counting.
Ten, nine, eight...
Too late
I am indestructible.
Seven,
six, five, four, three...
You do a woman a favor
and the eye in her
purse attacks you.
Is the pocketbook dead?
Of course, you nincompoop.
Please, step outside.
Oh, no, no.
Oh! I'm in hell! This is hell!
The transmission
was a success.
Our gravity has
already begun to revert.
We have been saved.
Why has this planet
not been dispatched?
You never said you were going
to destroy this place.
We must!
They know how to destroy us.
Council, Dr. Mills never meant
to hurt anyone.
There are too many strange
and good things that go
on here to destroy it.
They have war,
they have indifference,
they have suffering.
Yes, but they
also have jitterbugs.
-Jitterbugs?
-Frivolous!
And children.
Jokes. And ham and cheese
on rye with mayo!
Mediocre.
And making love.
And sneezes.
Sneezes?
And Jimmy Durante!
Jimmy?
Show me Jimmy.
Show you Jimmy. Okay.
They want to see Jimmy.
Come on.
Grady.
Jimmy Durante from
The Man Who Came To Dinner.
Hello, up there,
you omnipotent superbeings
from some other
dimensional planet.
Hit it!
* Did you ever have
the feeling
that you wanted to go
* But still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay
* You knew it was
right wasn't wrong
* Still you know you
wouldn't be very long *
Ah!
* It's tough to
have the feeling
that you wanted to go
* Still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay
* Start to go,
change your mind
* Start to go again
But change your mind again
* It's tough to
have the feeling
that you wanted to go
* Still have the feeling
that you wanted to stay
* Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do
* l go
* l stay
Kill them.
Hey, you! This is
an English automobile!
We have never had sneezes.
Sneezing makes
the head tingle.
The whole body feels alive.
What else is like this?
Sir, can you see with my eyes?
Of course.
Then this is why.
I see.
This...
What do you call it?
Earth. Deserves more study.
It's too weird to destroy.
It will be spared.
Celeste,
it is time to come home.
Now come home, Celeste.
Sir.
Sir, I am home.
It's no use. I can't go.
That is impossible.
Celeste, you must return.
Wait. Come on now.
Hi. Steve Mills.
You look like a reasonable
bunch of superbeings.
We really have
to work this out.
I'm in love
with your Chief
Extragalactic Probist.
No!
What do you mean, no?
We need someone to tell us
about your war
and making love...
...and all your fuzziness.
Ah! Excuse me.
Ah. Big Thing in the Sky.
You need someone
to tell you about making love?
We need someone to tell us
about everything.
Does anyone up there
look as good as she does?
Everyone does.
-Better.
-Really?
It's impossible.
Sir? He knows more than
I do about all things
down here.
It's an interesting idea.
He can come.
Who's gonna drive this thing?
Group Captain
Winnek Woofet and the 12th
Navigational Command.
Oh!
My God!
She looks just like
Princess Stephanie.
She looks just like
Princess Stephanie, too.
If you say so.
They all look like
Princess Stephanie.
Yes.
-Can I ask you a question?
-Yes.
You think my Rolls
would be impressive?
-Might be.
-Can I bring it?
Yes, of course.
Yes.
-Goodbye, my dear.
-Bye, Uncle Ron.
Bye, my dear.
Ron, are you sure
you want to do this?
You're making
a pretty radical move here.
Ah, Steve.
They all look like
Princess Stephanie.
They do, don't they?
Well, time's wasting.
Where are the keys
to your beachhouse?
Enjoy.
Have a nice drive.
Flight. Trip.
Get the heck off this planet.
Yes.
ALL: Come on. Hi.
Right over here, baby.
-What is it?
-It's a car.
We'll be in touch, Celeste.
Enjoy your
humanity while it lasts.
A little one-on-one dad?
No thanks, honey.
I think Celeste and
I are going upstairs
and get some sleep.
I get it.
I'll be right up.
Ah!
Are you human or what?
Human. Every part.
All that power to do stuff
left with Bag, right?
I guess so.
Drive!
Drive!
Yes!
Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash,
wherever you are.
Oh, oh. Dr. Mills.
Dr. Budlong.
Morosini,
Carvalho, come with me.
If he thinks he's
going to ruin anymore
equipment
he's underestimated
the facility.
He thinks he's cute,
doesn't he?
Yes, but I was mother's favorite.
Dr. Mills.
-Uh!
-This is the last
time I'll warn you.
I won't let
the Klystron go above 300.
That's what you said
last time it rained,
but you turned it to 350.
Do you know what it costs
to repair a Klystron tube?
I know, Dr.
Budlong. I'm very sorry,
but believe me it
won't happen again.
You have my word on that,
and I promise.
Don't worry.
He can't go blowing up
your Klyman tube
or whatever it is.
We've got a date tonight,
happy hour at Mingles.
Mingles.
You know what that means?
What?
It means
complimentary
hors d'oeuvres.
A veritable who's who
of secretaries
and beauticians.
It means 20th century music.
You look like a sensible man.
You believe there's
life on other planets?
I don't believe
there's life in this room.
Exactly.
Your brother wants
to send a radar signal
to a point in
space so far away...
It'd take 92 years
to get there
and 92 years to get back.
Ninety-two years?
Steve, we're late now.
Indeed. There isn't anything
out there, Dr. Mills.
We're it.
Now don't you go above 300
or I'm revoking your funding.
Now that
Dr. Strangelove
is gone, let's go.
Mingles is at high party.
I can't tonight, Ron.
It's raining.
Tonight I've got
another destination
in mind.
I wanna go right there.
Clouds of Magellan.
It sounds like
some kind of
woman's underwear.
No, the Clouds of Magellan
is the name of our
neighboring galaxy.
You want to
send a radar signal
to the next galaxy?
You can't get radar
to the next galaxy.
You'd have to
travel faster than
the speed of light.
No one can do that.
Don't watch that,
it won't change.
This is the one to watch.
I like the Clouds of Magellan.
We can't get there, Ron.
But if we
increase the power of
the Klystron,
with lightning...
...we may get
a signal strong enough
to get out of
the solar system.
That's the theory, anyway.
Right. Thanks.
Tell me
something I don't know.
Can't this wait?
Secretaries are
like animals
when it
comes to free food.
The reflectors
line up for 10 days
only once every 19 months.
Now, with all this rain
and lightning, it's perfect.
Perfect for men like us.
Christ!
Steve, when was the last time
you went out with a woman?
January of '86.
No. March of '86.
I took Dr. Elizabeth Conway
to see the Halley's
Comet retrospective.
Superb.
You see it?
Sure, a couple of times.
How can we be brothers?
We don't have
a single gene in common.
Not above 300 kilowatts.
Hi.
-Hi.
-No, no. I'm not
waving at you.
Okay. Thank you. Have fun.
We have no time to
sweep frequencies.
We'll lower it
below three centimetres.
But below?
Oh! It's raining out here.
I'm getting wet!
This jacket is a Ralph Lauren!
And it's smelly.
Great, just great.
I'm wet and smelly.
They're gonna
jump all over me.
Hey! Do you guys smell fish?
Oh!
Oh! It's me!
Help me rotate the dish.
Where's this
lightning supposed to strike?
Right here.
Here?
That almost hit my shoe.
Excuse me.
All the way up.
I hate this.
What the hell is this thing?
Klystron tube.
Potential of 400 megawatts,
at an oscillation
of 60 gigahertz.
Great. Why don't we
take this to Mingles?
Science crap.
Stupid piece of garbage.
Now all we gotta do
is harness the lightning.
Yes, it's good.
Let's try for lightning.
Is this important?
Only if it works.
Okay, deep breath.
Set your retractors.
How long is this gonna take?
Single women have
short attention spans.
Prepare to
initiate the system.
Now!
Oh, Jesus!
-We got it!
-Look at it!
WE got it. We got it.
It's going! I love you!
-What is happening?
Steve! What's happening?
Mills!
Mills!
What is happening?
The Klystron!
Wow!
WOMAN OVER PA: We have
a red condition
in the second unit.
MAN: Fire control!
The laboratory area.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
-Beautiful!
What?
My God!
I didn't only get out
of the solar system,
I just went out of the galaxy.
That means we were
traveling faster
than the speed of light.
How the hell did we do that?
Hey, Doctor.
-I just... We just...
GIRL: Eleven seconds
on the clock.
Down by one. Mills fakes left.
Goes around Magic Johnson.
Puts Kareem in
the popcorn machine.
-And...
Why can't I dunk?
Is that asking so much?
You got out of the galaxy
and they fired you?
We were using
lightning to boost
the power of the Klystron.
I shorted every
telemetry tracker
in the place
and all my monitors.
So there's no proof.
That's not fair.
What are we going to do?
I might just have to take a...
What?
Take a teaching job.
You know how that is?
One position for
every 16 applicants.
I could double my babysitting.
Or take up a newspaper route.
Do girls do that now?
It's beautiful up there.
Hmm.
Two hundred billion
stars in our galaxy.
Wow!
That's really my
office up there.
I wish Mom could
have lived long enough
to see you get
out of the galaxy.
She'd be having
the whole block in
for champagne!
Think you'll ever find
anyone like her again?
Oh, boy. Jess, I don't know.
The chances of me
finding another woman
like your mother
are the same...
...as me proving
there's life on another
planet up there.
Figure one in 16 billion.
All right, Larry Byrd,
what's for dinner?
Fish sticks. Pop tarts.
Frozen pizza.
Whatever else we can nuke
in the microwave.
What do you say, Dave?
Can we see Sirius tonight?
You know, it's also
called the Dog Star.
Come on.
CELESTE: It's quite
a small planet, really.
MAN: Half the size
of ours,
but very busy.
-Have you mastered it yet?
-Of course.
You know how
superb our research is.
All I have to do
is teach you everything
I know in 20 minutes.
We're at light 30
approaching light 35.
This is a record glide speed.
They didn't think
we'd make it this fast.
Look, it's Saturn.
-Could we stop
there on the way back?
-Maybe.
Why can't I fit
Neptune into this picture?
Wait. That works.
Neptunians won't
like it, though.
Let's see here.
Look at Neptune now!
-Dad, we'll be late
for Uncle Ron's party.
-Look at Neptune.
I haven't finished
the M.l.T.
proposal yet.
Come on.
I hate leaving
the universe in such a mess.
Here, put this on.
Look at this.
Do these things ever work? No.
The modern light
bulb has a half-life
of about 10 minutes.
I'm going to take it apart.
It's not the bulb,
it's the switch.
You've been meaning
to fix it, remember.
Dad, you're impossible.
Do we have any socks?
See, I knew I had
a pair in reserve.
And they're dry.
I've been cooking
'em since yesterday.
Daddy, look at me.
Do you see anything
different about me?
Ah!
I'm wearing a bra.
You can't be! You're only 13!
My God!
You're 13.
A bra? Uh.
Well, did you get
the right strap size?
Cup size. Yeah, A-minus.
Well, well, well.
Where have I been?
CELESTE: How can I learn
everything I need to know
in only six more minutes?
MAN: This is a very
backward planet.
The Mondschein 40
is the most advanced
research facility in
the northern universe.
Research has
determined you must be
the most desirable
woman on the planet.
Men on Earth will
fall to their knees...
Betray their
countries and give away
real estate for
a beautiful woman.
That's silly.
CELESTE: Will I need to eat?
MAN: No. We'll only be in the
place for 24 hours.
This is the most
important assignment
any of us has undertaken.
CELESTE: I feel
so poorly prepared.
You're the Earth expert.
But you are the
Chief Extragalactic Probist.
You know
the Council's directive.
I can only be your adviser.
Are you sure this
research is accurate?
Celeste, the Mondschein 40
is never wrong.
Oh!
Right. Let's go.
Hors d'oeuvres?
Kimberly.
-You met my brother Steve?
-No.
You gotta watch out for him,
but in the best sense.
He cares too deeply,
like a sparrow.
You've got
something on your lip.
A little dip there.
I think flossing is
so important, too.
When I get up in the morning,
I don't even go to
the bathroom first.
I floss and then I go.
That's so great.
Ron, I'm beginning to think
you're avoiding me.
-Hi.
-Ahem.
Oh, hi.
Are you Dr. Steve Mills?
He's the guy
dancing with his daughter.
Hors d'oeuvres?
Thank you. Delicious.
Hello.
Are you Dr. Steve Mills?
Yes.
Will you tell me
the composition
of your radar beam or not?
Oh, ho. Which one?
Now, you don't fool me.
Your favorite color is red.
Your favorite
food is lasagna,
and your favorite
rocking is Pink Fred.
Actually, I prefer green,
I'm allergic to all pasta...
...and my favorite
rock is Rachmaninoff.
Of course you'd say that.
I think it's Pink Floyd,
not Pink Fred right, Jessie?
Pink Fred is their nickname.
Would you hold
this for me, please?
"Hey, hey we're the Monkees
"People say we monkey around
"But we're too busy singing
to put anybody down."
What?
Do you know what they say?
"Nixon's the One!"
Dick Nixon?
Okay.
See you later, bro.
Sailor, I like your jeep.
You've broken my
heart for the last time.
You've broken my heart
for the last time, too.
Do you have any spinach,
my hands are freezing?
"I'm Popeye the sailor man
I'm Popeye the sailor man
"I'm strong to the 'finich'
'cause I eats me spinach
"I'm Popeye the sailor man
Toot, toot"
"This Bud's for you."
Baby!
Now will you tell
me the composition
of your radar beam?
Wackygram, right?
RON: Encore! Encore!
This is a nightmare.
Your research was all wrong!
The food was all wrong!
This dress is strange
and what is this thing?
This hat is too big.
And everything I
said was crazy.
MAN: Now just a second.
Don't blame it all on me.
I never told you
they used spinach
to keep their hands warm.
Daddy, who was that?
I don't know.
But I feel
kinda sorry for her.
I don't think
anybody liked her.
Did you?
Oh!
How are we ever going
to get Dr. Steve
to transmit his signal now?
He thinks I'm a lunatic.
MAN: Now just calm down.
You've got to
go back in there.
And you...
-Hi.
-Hi.
Tough room.
-I'm really sorry
how rude I was in there.
-No, no!
You weren't rude.
You were very entertaining.
In fact, I thought you were
a professional of some kind.
Believe me, they'll be telling
their grandchildren about it.
Have you done
any interesting radar
astronomy transmissions...
Which may have penetrated
other galaxies
in the last few days?
Yes, I have.
Well, what happened?
-It's pretty complex.
-Try me.
That was
the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.
I mean, er,
second most beautiful.
Erm, third.
A dog.
The system.
I blew out every resistance
backup in the place...
Including
telemetry trackers.
Those boys from
defense were so mad.
'Cause that's what they use
for tracking missiles...
I must be boring
the pants off you.
-No. They're still on.
-Good.
Then what happened, Dr. Steve?
I don't really
know what happened.
It must have been something
I did in the lab.
Maybe I forgot to take a note
or dropped a setting.
Show me what you did.
Show me in your mighty lab.
I can't. They fired me.
You know I'm a little cold.
Would you mind
very much if I just...
Stuck my hands
right in your pockets?
Oh, yes, that's better.
So, Celeste...
-Where are you from?
-Hmmm.
The nether-lands.
Oh, Holland.
No, the Nether-lands.
Hmm.
For an astronomer
you have the most
wonderful fibers.
And you've got yourself
a handful right now.
I can't get back in that lab.
They're gonna kiss!
Does he know how?
Well, of course.
I saw him do it once in 1983.
I'm a bad apple.
Excuse me a minute.
I shouldn't be
wearing this, should I?
Oh!
It's very nice.
Then what should I wear?
Oh, thank you.
I won't forget this.
Hold this.
What are you doing now?
I have to change.
This is inappropriate.
Might I suggest
a more conventional spot?
Like the backseat of my car.
Oh! Okay.
There. I'm changed.
Is this acceptable?
Is the drool apparent?
I'm sorry, Dr. Mills,
we have strict orders
from Dr. Budlong...
Not to let you
in the building.
I left something in my office.
It was a fuzzy
Carebear pencil holder.
Excuse me.
I'm from DARPA.
The Defense Advance Research
Project Agency...
With instructions
to tour this facility.
May I see some lD?
Here.
See Department of Defense.
She's with DARPA.
I'm with her.
All settings are the same.
They haven't changed a thing.
Dr. Steve, this is only
a Jansky-based telescope.
Part of what used to
be called a vast array.
Used to?
I see you had to
use enormous thrust.
Where's the Klystron?
Hold on, I'll see
what they did with it.
-Good evening, Olaf.
-Good evening.
It's nice to have
Dr. Mills back.
-What do you mean?
-He's in his lab now.
In his lab?
There's nothing
powerful enough
to have broken
through our shields.
It's clear how
the reflectors work.
They're not
equipped to discover
this kind of power
for another century.
How did they get it so fast?
I mean, they haven't even
figured out Stonehenge.
He must be
holding something back.
Dr. Steve is lying.
Who are you?
Who? Me?
What are you doing here?
Where's Mills?
Get away from my equipment.
I've got to be on my way home.
I've got to get
home to that good pie.
Just grab the handrail there.
Welcome to my office.
Sender number KD113B.
Just like all
the rest of them,
but it's mine.
Did you ever think
what you were doing
by invading another galaxy?
It wasn't an invasion.
Here was this galaxy,
minding its own business.
Perhaps a galaxy
where war
no longer exists.
People all live in harmony.
Things don't go around
with such whizzings.
You're shaking. Why?
Because I've
wanted to kiss you
from the first
moment I saw you.
What?
You looked so
beautiful and vulnerable,
then you started rhyming...
And doing all that talking
and singing and stuff and...
I just wanted to
use everything I know
about radar
astronomy to protect you.
Would you mind
if I kissed you?
Does it hurt?
Not the way I do it.
Ah!
Mmm.
Ah!
Argh!
Ah! Oh!
Okay.
I have never felt
anything like that
in my entire life.
Do I now have to
eat the chocolate
from Pennsylvania?
Listen, I think we'd
better get out of here.
Are you sure you've
told me everything
about the transmission?
I think so.
But perhaps we should
explore it a little further.
I'd better take you home.
No, that's too far.
We must go to your place.
Are you feeling
what I'm feeling?
More.
I'm dreaming.
"Life could be a dream
"Sha-boom."
As your great poet says.
Yeah.
Welcome to
the Mills residence.
What is this?
Hats.
This one is
a collector's item.
Actually belonged
to Jimmy Durante.
Who?
"Goodnight Mrs. Calabash,
wherever you are."
He was a song and dance man
in the movies.
Come on in,
this is the palace.
Help yourself.
Sit down. Steal an ashtray.
I have to go check on Jessie.
Please don't leave...
Or otherwise
I'll be forced
to crawl up
under my bed and
suck dust forever.
So what's going on here?
Could it be that he
really doesn't know
how he made the transmission?
-Ah!
-What's that?
-ALIEN: Canine.
Highly revered on this planet.
Usually found
in the company
of fire hydrants.
Now look, Dr. Steve's lying.
Don't leave him alone.
But he doesn't even care
about that anymore.
Didn't you see
during that kissing thing?
His skin got hot and
his heartbeat went up.
And suddenly there was
a lot more of him down there.
ALIEN: It's an act.
Government
types on this planet
are trained to lie.
Go find him.
He may be burning papers
right this minute!
Oh, God!
She's beautiful, isn't she?
Yes. Who is she?
My daughter, Jessie.
Short.
Short? She's only 13.
Thirteen?
How old does she look?
Six,
seven hundred,
just short.
Why don't we go in here?
My bedroom?
Well, you said you wanted
to talk. Why go all
the way downstairs?
Say, do you think
I'm a billionaire?
Or somebody on
television or somebody
-who's really
important or something?
-No.
You're Steven Mills, Ph.D.
A very obscure physicist
who makes $25,000 a year.
And you still
want to go in here?
Yowza.
Yowza?
You make me laugh.
I mean, you're
the first person that has
really made me laugh since...
Look, if we do go
in there, you know,
I might probably
want to do more kissing.
Surely. It was very pleasant.
But I hope that's
not all you want to do.
Remember me?
You're so wonderful.
You're funny,
you're intelligent
and you understand my work...
And now you
want to have sex.
I wanna have sex?
-Don't you?
-Do you?
Yes!
Well, I do, too.
As soon as
I find out what it is.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Of course.
What is sex?
Uh, what?
"What?" You heard what I said.
What is sex?
Give me a second.
One second.
Take a look at this.
Deleted.
What good is deleted?
Now, don't get excited.
Just a second.
One little second. Here it is.
Your penis is a weapon.
Just like your rifle.
The military
expects you to protect it
and keep it dry.
All right, men,
if you'll open your manuals.
What? Is that it?
Take it easy.
Oh. Here's something else.
What does this mean,
Debbie Does Dallas?
Debbie Does Des Moines.
Debbie Does Dusseldorf.
Busy girl, that Debbie.
What's this?
Woah!
ALIEN: Look behind you.
Woo!
I can do that. I guess.
CELESTE: I don't believe it.
Woo!
Why, that's disgusting.
Oh! I can't, that right there.
Woah!
Look, that's
the most weirdest thing
I've ever seen.
That's why we gave it up
3,000 years ago.
You think I could do that?
Sure. Except for fuel
you're human inside and out.
But do you want to?
The kissing wasn't so bad.
You're not leaving me here!
Oh. Yes, I am.
I have been
ordered to stay
with you at all times,
to observe everything you do!
Forget it.
Bitch!
My God, you're beautiful.
Ah!
-Are you all right?
Oh, yes, don't stop.
Woah!
Do you see...
Oh! Dr. Steve,
that was so wonderful.
I feel like
I've been hit by a train.
And I don't think
you need to call me
Dr. Steve anymore.
Steve, you're so stupid.
We could have
been doing this
the whole time.
We only met three hours ago.
I know. What took you so long?
Do others know about this?
About us?
I don't see how they could.
No, about making love.
You could
become very famous if
others in the world
knew you could do this.
-Really?
-Oh. Yes.
Didn't think I did
it any differently
than anybody else.
You mean everybody does this?
Think of all
the energy produced.
Properly
channeled that energy could
propel half your
people out of the galaxy.
Oh, wow!
We did some
computer runs in the lab
and figured if
we could harness
the energy output from
the male members
of the Sheen family
we could put the state
of lllinois on Pluto.
I really don't think
I can do this again so soon.
Yes, you can.
-Celeste?
-What?
Celeste, why me?
Because you're sensitive
and you're an outsider
and you worked so hard
to get through M.l.T
and you have two Ph.D.'s
and a delightful innocence.
Just all
the qualities of a dreamer.
I know you had
some really bad luck
five years ago when...
Your wife died and left you
with a daughter, Jessie, 13.
That's who
the short person was.
Wait a minute.
Where'd you get
all those details?
I can read it. In your eyes.
That's kid's stuff.
This is no help.
Oh!
Ahh! Ugh!
Whiteside, I'm here to spend
Christmas with you.
I think.
I may stay a month
or I may leave immediately.
I don't know.
Things are so uncertain.
* Did you ever have
the feeling
you wanted to go
* And still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay
* You knew it was right,
Wasn't wrong
* Still you knew you
Wouldn't be very long
* It's tough to
have the feeling
you wanted to go
* Still have
the feeling that you
wanted to stay, start to go
* Change your mind
start and go again
But changed your mind again
* Did you ever
have the feeling
you wanted to go
* Still have the feeling
you wanted to stay
* Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Si-Do
* I go
* I'll stay
Shut up you
reform school fugitive.
Whiteside, I love ya.
I love ya.
Dave, bon appetit.
Dave, how are you
and your 1,000
fleas this morning?
Are you okay?
Yes, I'm okay.
Jessie, Celeste.
Celeste, my daughter, Jessie.
I know.
You stayed here?
Just overnight.
But dad
that's fabulous.
I gotta go.
Be true to your school.
Happy short person. Daughter.
Almost as happy
as her old man.
Who is that?
Me.
Yes, I am happy, too.
I think...
Yes?
Will I scare you
if I tell you I love you?
Not unless you hit
me at the same time.
I'm serious.
So am l.
Then let's go away.
Let's go to San Francisco.
Or Vancouver? Or Anchorage?
No, I have to leave tonight.
Leave? Where you going?
Home.
To the Netherlands?
You can call it Holland now.
I know what you mean. Yes.
When are you going to be back?
No, I'm never coming back.
Never coming back? Why?
Why can't you ever come back?
-Well l...
-Celeste.
I hate to sound desperate,
but this news makes
me sound desperate.
I'm desperate. Celeste,
I know this is sudden
but you're
the most incredible thing
that's ever happened to me.
I look in your face
and I can't believe
what I feel for you.
I'm hopelessly, insanely,
out of my mind
in love with you.
I can't let you go.
Walk out of my life.
I mean, I can't.
Not now, not ever.
Without you there is no life.
And?
Will you marry me?
Marry you?
Yes. Please.
This is a strange development.
I know it's sudden
and quick and all.
Not if you consider
I've been waiting
five years for you.
You see, before I met you
all I could think
about was science.
Now I can't even
think about that anymore.
All I care about is you.
Your eyes, your skin,
your hair, your face.
Do you think you could think
about science if
we got married?
Well, yes, sure.
If only I knew you were
going to be with me
and you
weren't going anywhere.
I know it's kinda
sudden and everything,
so I'll tell you what.
Why don't you
take a short walk
and think about it?
Okay, I'll think it over.
You're not
going out like that,
are you?
No. Of course not.
She's an original.
She's gotta say yes.
You said you'd
prepare me for 24 hours,
and here it's
only been 12 hours.
You didn't tell me "spinach,"
you didn't tell me "kiss",
you didn't
tell me "have sex,"
and what about "marry"?
Do things always happen
so fast on this planet?
ALIEN: I don't think so.
You can't walk
down the street
looking like this.
Oh! Yes, I can.
I know how this planet works.
They'll think I'm starting
some kind of
trend or something.
I want you to
contact the Council and
I want them here,
I want them here now!
Why here?
ALIEN: They said they
needed an open field.
I found it in the phone book.
What goes on here?
Is it Christians and lions?
ALIEN: No, wrong time frame.
Where is the transmission?
We're making progress, sir.
Our gravity has
increased threefold!
Does the subject
suspect who you are?
-No.
-Does the girl?
ALIEN: She saw Celeste
put magazines into me
and a dress come out.
Kill her!
Don't worry. She's nothing.
Short, inexperienced,
just a daughter.
But we do have one problem.
Yes?
The subject says he will be
unable to think
about science
unless he marries me!
Well, marry him!
But we don't know
what "marry" is.
One moment.
Yes, the Mondschein 40 says
marriage is this,
"He goes off to
fight the Turks,
and you put on a lock. "
No, no.
Yes. Wrong century.
Marriage is this,
"You cook and clean
and bring him martinis. "
Wrong again?
This is ridiculous.
Yes, wrong decade.
Too old fashioned.
"The modern marriage:
There are no rules
or responsibilities.
"But if he does
something wrong,
"you can set him on
fire while he sleeps.
"And go on a talk show
where everyone will
forgive you and love you. "
There's only one drawback,
you'll have to have more sex.
I'll do it.
Immediately.
Yes, sir. I know
tomorrow's the last day
the reflectors are
in line for 19 months.
What if there is no lightning?
We will provide the lightning.
Just keep that man fed
and keep his feet clean.
You're fading.
Yes, I know, it's our gravity.
Now remember,
you are our last hope.
If we don't get that
transmission from him,
our planet is doomed.
Yes, sir.
But daddy, this is so quick.
I mean, you only
met her last night.
It was the same
with your mother.
At least with mom
you waited a week.
Your mother
and I knew
on the first night.
Are you crazy?
You don't know
a thing about her.
I know all I need to know.
I've already gone
through this, Uncle Ron.
She's after your money!
Ron, I don't even
have a ball of lint
and a lead slug
to rub together.
She's got a trust fund.
She has a trust fund?
Oh!
You know, I don't get it.
Why does this happen to you?
I know! Citizenship!
She wants citizenship.
She wants to
take jobs away from
Americans and give
'em to Dutch people!
Yeah, that's why she's here.
But it's so unfair.
I mean, you know...
It's my own brother marrying
the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.
And he met her
at my apartment.
Ron,
I appreciate your concern.
This is
something I really want.
Haven't you wanted
something so much
that nothing else mattered?
It's your wedding,
I'm gonna tell you.
There's only one
woman in the world
that I will ever marry.
Princess Stephanie of Monaco.
Really?
I never knew you
had a thing for her.
What makes her the lucky lady?
Because she's the most perfect
woman in the world.
She'd have
nothing to do with me.
Ron, brush up on
your French lessons
and your tennis,
maybe it'll happen.
But right now
I'm going to marry
my Princess Stephanie.
So wish me luck.
You've had too
much luck already.
Ah! Where did she
get a wedding dress
on two hours notice?
Does she just carry
one around with her,
in case of emergencies?
I hope so.
Now would you go downstairs
and please be best man?
Uncle Ron, go!
You wanna see my date?
She's 6 foot 2.
Okay.
Go and tell Celeste it's time.
CELESTE: I'll have to leave
you on the chair.
ALIEN: Can't you wear me?
No, I'd look too strange.
I'm so hungry.
Good thing we stopped
at the hardware store.
ALIEN: Ah!
D-cells.
Primitive, but nutritious.
Oh!
-Dad, she ate batteries!
-What?
She took three "D" batteries
out of a paper
bag and ate them.
She flattened them
like a Tootsie Roll wrapper.
And she was talking to
someone who wasn't
even in the room.
I love you more
than anyone else
in the world.
Nothing's going
to come between us.
Daddy, she ate batteries.
Jessie, I want you
to stop this right now.
ALIEN: Back off, Alpo breath.
Dearly beloved...
ALIEN: Sit! Roll over!
Play dead!
I've only known
Celeste for eight minutes,
but I can tell she
has love for Steve
who I've also
known for eight minutes.
ALIEN: You're digging
your own grave, Fido.
And do you
Celeste van Martin
take Steven Mills
to be your
lawfully wedded husband?
In sickness
For richer and or poorer,
till death do you part?
-I do.
-I now pronounce
you man and wife.
ALIEN: I'm looking over
my dead dog Rover"
-Get that dog down!
-You left me alone again!
I was getting married!
STEVE: Honey!
What happened?
Maybe it's a Dutch custom.
They say
"I do," bolt for
the lawn and start digging.
Maybe she's
planting tulip bulbs.
Honey, how on earth
did Dave get up there! Look!
Dave! Don't move!
Volunteers! Jeff, Woody!
May I be the first
to kiss the bride?
Sure.
I got him!
Oh. Wow!
Where'd you get this dress?
It's him!
Quick, dad, the brush!
I'm coming.
Here it is. I've got it here.
The brush.
Okay. Easy.
My God, you look beautiful.
Thanks, dad.
I hope he likes me.
I hope you like him.
Hi. I'm Fred. The date.
These are for you, doll.
Thank you.
I'm Steve, Jessie's dad.
-This is Mrs. Mills.
-Nice to meet you.
Mouth jewelry.
Uh!
Oh, right, my braces.
My wife's from Holland, so...
Sure.
You wore flats. Great.
So.
Have a great time.
She'll be safe with me, sir.
Bye.
Did that kid
look shifty to you?
Hadn't you better
get back to work now?
What? You gotta be kidding,
on our wedding night?
I don't think so.
God, I love you!
Hello.
MAN: Lucas Budlong, please.
It's for you.
Hello.
-Budlong, is that you?
-Yes.
This is Carl Sagan.
Carl Sagan?
It's Carl Sagan.
I'm assigned to
the President's Committee
on Extraterrestrials
the Most Important
None More Secret Committee.
No, I didn't know that.
Of course.
And he has personally
authorized me
to instruct you
to put Dr. Steve Mills
back to work at
Haddonkirk
Laboratories tomorrow.
Mills? But he
almost blew the place...
Shut up, Budlong.
No arguments.
We can't afford to waste
billions and
billions of dollars.
Have I made
myself clear, Meathead?
Yes. I...
And how's Skippy?
She's fine.
Tell her I asked after her.
A beautiful, desirable woman.
Yes, sir.
Who is Carl Sagan?
Bravo, Bag.
Now we've got to get Dr. Steve
something to eat.
You're right.
He should have no excuses
not to work.
Ah!
Hands on the wheel!
That's what we need.
$416.80.
What's this?
It's a diamond.
I'm sorry,
we don't take diamonds
at this branch. Money only.
Haven't you got
anything smaller?
What did I just do?
It's called a sneeze.
From the flour.
But only humans are
supposed to do it.
What did it feel like?
Very funny.
Very good. Very liberating.
This is my house.
I actually had a good time.
Maybe we can do
it again sometime.
Maybe next time
we can even dance.
-I am starving.
-Okay.
Just what I needed.
I could have
a banquet down this block.
ALIEN: We've got work to do.
All right.
Did you see Uncle
Ron's new invention?
It's an all-snap shirt where
the snaps look like buttons.
Great?
Except they rust in the wash.
-Good morning, dear.
-Good morning.
I made you breakfast,
my family.
So that's what
you've been up to?
Did you sleep well?
-Yes.
-Did you?
Hello.
Oh. Dr. Budlong.
How are you?
Fine. Thank you.
No, I don't know Dr.
Sagan personally.
The President's Most Secret
None More Secret?
Oh!
I've been thinking, too.
About the explosion
and the damage and everything.
Really? You mean it?
When can I start back?
No, not today.
Today's my honeymoon.
Yeah. A foreign gal.
She's a head-spinner.
Fine.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Surely you and Skippy
must remember from
your own experience.
This is Mrs. Mills.
lgnore my husband
on anything but science.
He'll be there in 15 minutes.
Maybe less. Yes, bye.
Sweetie, wait a minute.
I don't wanna
go to work today.
It's our honeymoon.
I wanna clean
the place up for you.
I'll clean the house
so you don't see a dust.
I'm Dutch. Did you ever see
a dirty street in Hague?
We are ready to clean.
Great, let's do it together.
And we can watch
my Durante tapes.
Let's put an end
to this silly
argument right now.
I'll arm-wrestle you for it.
Winner cleans.
You sure you
really want to do this?
Come on.
One, two, three.
Okay, lady wins.
Now let's eat right
up and get to work.
That's quite
a forearm you've got there.
And remember the thrust.
Four hundred
megawatts and lightning
isn't enough to
go extragalactic.
-What's this?
-Your martini.
Would you like one, dear?
No, thank you.
Oh, yes.
Oh!
And finally,
your turkey.
Dig right in.
Eat fast,
solve all your problems,
and fulfill yourself.
I'll make the beds.
Wow! Quite a spread.
Daddy, don't you think
this is pretty strange?
Your stepmother's
just full of surprises.
I know how happy you are...
And I wouldn't do
anything in the world
to get in the way
of that happiness.
-But last night,
after my date...
-Your date?
How'd your date go?
Fine, but Dad, I saw her drink
the battery juice
from your Honda.
Jessie!
Not only that, I saw her lift
a burning hot pan
with her bare hands!
Now I wish I didn't
have to go to the lab.
-Your new mother...
-Stepmother!
Stepmother
loves you very much.
She's concerned
that she won't fit in
around here.
She knows
there'll be problems...
Dad, if the car
won't start, will you at least
give me
the benefit of the doubt?
Nothing happened, Jess.
You must have dreamed it.
-Bye.
-Not you.
ALIEN: We do the rest
of the house
in 14 seconds.
Then Council
provides the lightning.
He does the transmission...
...and we head
the 92 light years home.
Setty Lab. This is Mills.
Dad, come home right away.
The house is on fire.
Ah!
You can't leave now!
What if we get rain?
Jessie!
-Stay away from me.
No, it's not what you think.
CELESTE: Jessie.
You are an alien!
Oh, my God!
And you!
Quiet!
-Bag, let her down!
-Not yet.
What do you want?
We're from
Co-sign into the Eighth.
Ninety-two light years
and two solar systems away.
Your father
penetrated our atmosphere
with a radar
beam nine days ago.
We must duplicate
that transmission
in 12 hours
or our civilization
will be destroyed.
Is that why you're here?
But he doesn't
know how he did it!
We assume that's a lie.
No, it's not.
You should know
him well enough
to know he doesn't lie.
Could that be the truth?
Could it be it was
just an accident?
No!
The teenager is lying, too.
No, I don't think so.
We have to find out
or we'll never
be able to leave.
Leave?
But what about my father?
He loves you.
For the first time
in five years
he loves someone.
You're gonna kill that in him.
He'll never recover.
Celeste doesn't care.
Right, Celeste?
Right, Celeste?
Right.
If you don't say anything,
we'll let you down.
No, we won't!
I'm in charge of this mission.
Will you not tell your father
until we've gone?
Yes, just don't hurt him.
-Let her down.
-Celeste!
-Let her down!
That wasn't necessary.
Give the dog back his bark.
Celeste, your attitude sucks.
-Ciao , baby.
-STEVE: What's this
about a fire?
Daddy!
You said there was a fire!
What's going on?
I had to say there was a fire.
What was I to say?
"The living room's spotless,
come home."
Why did you call me?
Why did you lie?
I had to.
Daddy, you married a person
from another planet.
Celeste doesn't
come from Holland.
She comes from
a place 92 light years
and two solar systems away.
Not again. You're
going in for counseling.
She does.
She took away Dave's bark
and put me on
the ceiling for ten minutes.
Celeste is not
from another planet.
Your stepmother
is not an alien.
I mean,
please, this is a fantasy.
Don't you think I know aliens?
It's my business to know.
Why do we never
see her eat or sleep?
And how come we suddenly
get a new living room
in one afternoon?
And inside that bag
there's a horrible eye.
Just like why my
car wouldn't start
this morning?
Just look inside.
Okay.
I come home from the lab
to look in a purse.
Lipstick. Passion pink.
Mascara. Unusual
for a purse, isn't it?
Q-tips.
An eye!
Jessie,
there's no eye in here.
She made it disappear.
There was one in there.
And she did lift up the bacon
without a potholder.
And what about all that food
she cooked for breakfast?
You don't have an answer
and you won't believe me.
And she's gonna be
gone in 12 hours,
and why won't
you listen to me?
Now, honey, come on.
Jessie, come here.
Hey, Jessie.
Jessie, where are you going?
Come back here, Jessie.
Get off the street!
Jessie, you bring
that bike back here now!
Hey, come on.
What's wrong?
Come on!
No!
-Jessie.
-Daddy.
I'm sorry, I didn't see her.
Is she all right?
She's okay.
I didn't see her.
It's all right.
You gave yourself
away to save my life.
I'll be right back.
Do you really have to go?
It's the same on
both our planets.
Just when you
get to know someone
they have to leave.
My mom, I mean, my first mom,
had to leave, too.
I know you have to go.
This isn't your home.
I understand that.
Can you at least
wait till morning?
I'll try.
Where's your spaceship?
Behind your moon, Steve.
What do you do up there?
Meditate?
Plan how to break hearts?
If you know what they are.
We are where you
will be in 55 centuries.
If you make it.
I'm 1,296 years old.
We reproduce by
synthesiz in a petri dish.
We use 104 percent
of our brain capacity
as opposed to your 36 percent.
Our lives are spent
in perfect harmony
improving our
civilization with none of
the erratic highs
and lows you have here.
I see.
Sort of like Switzerland.
Why do you
reproduce in a petri dish?
We learned that sex was
inefficient and messy.
So you got rid of it,
just like that?
I must admit,
we were a little hasty
on that one.
You mean I married a virgin?
Mother would be proud.
Don't you ever do stuff like
go on vacation?
Sure we do.
What do you do on vacation?
Math.
What do you do to have fun?
Oh. Graphs.
We go to warm places together
and hold hands.
It's too bad you
don't eat food.
You might find it could be
quite pleasurable.
You get pleasure out of food?
-Here.
-No, thank you.
If you want my secrets
you'll eat my sandwich.
Chew!
Wow!
This is fun. What is it?
Oh!
Ham and cheese
on rye with mayo.
And I love the way
it feels against
the roof of my mouth
and the sides of my tongue.
This is fun.
Here, wash it down.
This makes me smile, too.
Seagram's Scotch Whiskey.
Celeste?
Did you ever like me?
Steve, of course I did. I do.
It wasn't just physics?
No. If I were
an Earth person I would do
exactly what we did.
It might have taken
a little longer, but...
Then why can't you stay?
I just can't.
What if I never sent
the transmission again?
Then nobody would be able
to use it against you ever.
Unfortunately
that's not the history
of your planet.
And if you don't do
that transmission,
my planet will die.
-Are you mad at me?
-Mad?
I'm furious.
I'm confused, I'm upset,
I'm frustrated, I'm furious!
You're
everything I ever wanted
in a human and
an extraterrestrial.
If I send the transmission,
which I don't
know how to do
and save your planet,
I lose you.
If I don't send it,
you stay but I
kill a whole planet.
But I'd make
a lousy Earth person.
I made way too much breakfast,
and the dog hates me.
The dog loves you.
We all love you.
Don't you see,
that's why it's so hard.
That's why I'm so torn apart.
I feel like Durante.
"Did you ever have the feeling
that you wanted to go
"Still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay
"Knew it was
right wasn't wrong
"Go stay, stay go"
That's exactly how I feel.
You know this song?
I feel just like
you and Durante.
I don't wanna go,
but I can't stay.
I feel only one way.
I want you to stay.
Boy, talk about
being tied to your work.
I spend my whole
career trying to prove
there's life on
other planets
and when I
find it, I marry it.
Lightning.
Ah!
You shocked me.
Static electricity.
The metal in Ron's snaps.
Ah!
Snaps.
Ron's buttons.
The cage around the Klystron.
That's the wild card! Come on.
He knows.
He's a true scientist.
You realize,
of course, as soon as
we've made contact
we'll have to leave.
I'm aware of that.
Right after we kill them.
Kill them?
Not just them.
The whole thing.
What do you call it? Earth.
We're not killing anybody.
We'll get what we need
and leave Earth
as we found it.
I'm afraid not.
We're wiping out everything.
People, land mass, water.
The Council has told
me to take care of it.
We're not going
to do anything.
Eight minutes after he
transmits that signal...
Here's Earth!
Jessie, sweetie! It's time.
Come on, get up.
Ah!
Be careful.
Yeah.
CELESTE: Ron, it's Celeste.
Celeste! It's Ron!
Ron,
it's just not working out.
Steve and I simply
aren't compatible.
What?
Our physical relationship
just isn't what it should be.
I need to talk to someone.
I need to talk to you.
-About your
physical relationship?
Yeah.
Could you come
to the lab, and we
could discuss these
matters of the flesh?
The flesh? Yes, sure.
But, I mean, he's my brother.
But we don't need to tell
Steve everything.
And Ron, would you mind
doing me a little favor?
I left my purse in
the bedroom at home.
Bye.
This is terrible.
What am I going to do?
He's my own brother!
This is terrible.
My own brother!
-And yet.
Where've you been all day?
This rain could
stop at any minute.
Grady, we need a conductor.
A conductor.
Solid tin.
Next year when they give out
that Nobel Prize
I'll be up there,
and I'll tell them about...
Steve, darling.
See what did it?
Ronnie put his jacket
on the chair and it
had brass buttons.
It was a short circuit.
Electrical impulse
bouncing between
the Klystron and
the fried buttons.
It threw the power way beyond
400 megawatts!
Telescope's all set,
Dr. Mills.
You won't forget
to tell Dr. Sagan
how helpful I've been?
Carl Sagan? Sure.
Now all we need
is the lightning.
Watch the monitors.
That's where the action is.
All right, put these on.
Put those on.
Okay, set your attractors.
Set your attractors.
Steve, I have to talk to you.
Bag!
You've signed your own
death warrant, sister!
Prepare to
initiate the system.
Prepare to
initiate the system.
I've got to.
I want to kill myself.
I'm in love with your wife.
-What?
-Steve, the reflectors.
Ready!
-Now!
Jesus!
Great! Nothing's changed here!
Daddy, look!
I know!
I'll be damned!
We did it again!
Science!
Steve,
didn't you hear what I said?
I am in love with your wife.
She's in love with me.
It's a whole thing.
We gotta talk.
Get rid of that bag.
The bag?
That bag will
destroy your planet.
Babe, I love ya,
we'll get rid of the bag.
I mean, what's in it?
A little eyeliner,
a little lipstick,
a little eye.
Lights out!
T-minus ten
seconds and counting.
Ten, nine, eight...
Too late
I am indestructible.
Seven,
six, five, four, three...
You do a woman a favor
and the eye in her
purse attacks you.
Is the pocketbook dead?
Of course, you nincompoop.
Please, step outside.
Oh, no, no.
Oh! I'm in hell! This is hell!
The transmission
was a success.
Our gravity has
already begun to revert.
We have been saved.
Why has this planet
not been dispatched?
You never said you were going
to destroy this place.
We must!
They know how to destroy us.
Council, Dr. Mills never meant
to hurt anyone.
There are too many strange
and good things that go
on here to destroy it.
They have war,
they have indifference,
they have suffering.
Yes, but they
also have jitterbugs.
-Jitterbugs?
-Frivolous!
And children.
Jokes. And ham and cheese
on rye with mayo!
Mediocre.
And making love.
And sneezes.
Sneezes?
And Jimmy Durante!
Jimmy?
Show me Jimmy.
Show you Jimmy. Okay.
They want to see Jimmy.
Come on.
Grady.
Jimmy Durante from
The Man Who Came To Dinner.
Hello, up there,
you omnipotent superbeings
from some other
dimensional planet.
Hit it!
* Did you ever have
the feeling
that you wanted to go
* But still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay
* You knew it was
right wasn't wrong
* Still you know you
wouldn't be very long *
Ah!
* It's tough to
have the feeling
that you wanted to go
* Still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay
* Start to go,
change your mind
* Start to go again
But change your mind again
* It's tough to
have the feeling
that you wanted to go
* Still have the feeling
that you wanted to stay
* Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do
* l go
* l stay
Kill them.
Hey, you! This is
an English automobile!
We have never had sneezes.
Sneezing makes
the head tingle.
The whole body feels alive.
What else is like this?
Sir, can you see with my eyes?
Of course.
Then this is why.
I see.
This...
What do you call it?
Earth. Deserves more study.
It's too weird to destroy.
It will be spared.
Celeste,
it is time to come home.
Now come home, Celeste.
Sir.
Sir, I am home.
It's no use. I can't go.
That is impossible.
Celeste, you must return.
Wait. Come on now.
Hi. Steve Mills.
You look like a reasonable
bunch of superbeings.
We really have
to work this out.
I'm in love
with your Chief
Extragalactic Probist.
No!
What do you mean, no?
We need someone to tell us
about your war
and making love...
...and all your fuzziness.
Ah! Excuse me.
Ah. Big Thing in the Sky.
You need someone
to tell you about making love?
We need someone to tell us
about everything.
Does anyone up there
look as good as she does?
Everyone does.
-Better.
-Really?
It's impossible.
Sir? He knows more than
I do about all things
down here.
It's an interesting idea.
He can come.
Who's gonna drive this thing?
Group Captain
Winnek Woofet and the 12th
Navigational Command.
Oh!
My God!
She looks just like
Princess Stephanie.
She looks just like
Princess Stephanie, too.
If you say so.
They all look like
Princess Stephanie.
Yes.
-Can I ask you a question?
-Yes.
You think my Rolls
would be impressive?
-Might be.
-Can I bring it?
Yes, of course.
Yes.
-Goodbye, my dear.
-Bye, Uncle Ron.
Bye, my dear.
Ron, are you sure
you want to do this?
You're making
a pretty radical move here.
Ah, Steve.
They all look like
Princess Stephanie.
They do, don't they?
Well, time's wasting.
Where are the keys
to your beachhouse?
Enjoy.
Have a nice drive.
Flight. Trip.
Get the heck off this planet.
Yes.
ALL: Come on. Hi.
Right over here, baby.
-What is it?
-It's a car.
We'll be in touch, Celeste.
Enjoy your
humanity while it lasts.
A little one-on-one dad?
No thanks, honey.
I think Celeste and
I are going upstairs
and get some sleep.
I get it.
I'll be right up.
Ah!
Are you human or what?
Human. Every part.
All that power to do stuff
left with Bag, right?
I guess so.
Drive!
Drive!
Yes!
Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash,
wherever you are.