My New Gun (1992) - full transcript
Debbie and Gerald's lives drastically change after they get a gun. Their mysterious neighbor, Skippy, becomes and important and transforming figure in their lives.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
IRWIN: No, really, it's fabulous.
I had no idea you were such a homemaker.
MYRA: Oh?
IRWIN: No, I mean in a good way.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
MYRA: Right. Would love that.
So...
What's the big news, Irwin?
Me and Myra, we're tying the knot.
GERALD: I knew it.
We guessed it.
Congratulations.
IRWIN: You saw the ring.
We certainly did.
GERALD: It's beautiful, Myra.
It's very big. Thanks.
Where the hell are those olives?
Deb?
Debbie. Debbie. Excuse me.
Can you, uh...?
Oh, yeah. Okay. [MUTTERING]
Sorry about that.
Hey, it's not a big disaster.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[GUESTS CHATTERING]
Irwin got me something else too, didn't you, Irwin?
What did you get for her, Irwin?
It was just a little something I thought she needed.
In my opinion. You might not agree.
GERALD: What is it?
He got me a .38.
You got her a gun?
IRWIN: Yes, I did. First of all,
she's got to go through port authority every night.
She carries it with her?
IRWIN: It's very small.
MYRA: It's got Myra etched in the handle.
Do you want to see it? It's here in my bag. Hold on.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
You know, something smells delicious.
I tell you, this, uh...
Is it lamb, Deb?
Yes, Irwin. It's lamb.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
GERALD: Debbie, look...
I like the idea and I want to give it a try.
Just in case.
Just in case what?
In case. In case of a prowler or break-in.
A threat to us here in the house.
It happens.
You know?
We live in a very sick world.
The fact is, I'm very uncomfortable
with us living the way that we do.
Totally unprotected.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
Can I ask you a question?
You mean a lot to me. Gerald.
What?
How did Irwin convince you of this?
[CHUCKLES]
Irwin has nothing to do with this.
You know, except that I agree with him.
Well, I don't. I don't and I-I don't want it.
You don't want it? I don't want it.
Well, it's too late.
You've got it.
Everyone's armed. That's final.
[♪♪♪]
Honey, I'm distracted.
You're distracted?
Hmm. I don't feel safe with it here.
You're supposed to feel safer.
[SIGHS]
Okay, let's just go to sleep.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
[SIGHS]
[SCREAMS]
What? What happened? [PANTING]
I don't know. I-- I thought I...
I don't know. I... Never mind. I don't know.
I-I don't know. I don't know.
It's okay. It's okay.
You wanna go to sleep? Okay?
Yeah, yeah, let's go to sleep.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
[PHONE RINGING] [GASPS]
Who the hell could that be?
Hello?
MAN: Debbie, it's me.
Skippy?
Um, I heard you scream. Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Did he hit you?
No. No, no, no.
W-w-we're both-- We're both fine.
I was just looking out for your safety.
Thank you.
Kitty Genovese, you know, Deb?
Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right, I know.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you.
So it's all right? Yeah, yeah. Good night.
What the hell is wrong with that guy?
Well, he heard me scream.
It's fine. It's fine.
What? What are you looking at?
I-I-I-I had a nightmare, Gerald,
and I yelled. I'm sorry.
[SIGHS]
Do you mind if I watch TV or something
just for a minute? I-I, uh...
Calm down a little--
I'd rather you didn't. It's 4 a.m.
[SIGHS]
Okay. All right.
You're right.
[BIRDS CAWING]
DEBBIE: Gerald, I don't wanna do this.
Huh?
Think about what I just showed you.
Okay...
pick it up.
Just let me try one from down here.
No, no, do it standing up.
I can't get comfortable. I can't get ready.
Debbie, point and shoot.
[SIGHS]
I can't. I'm sorry, Gerald.
You can't just let me decide a damn thing, can you?
Just-- Just let me crouch the first time, okay?
It feels better. Let me try it this way.
That thumb comes over...
Yeah, I got that. Got that.
Okay.
[GUN FIRES]
[SCREAMS]
[PANTING]
Oh, man.
I could have killed somebody.
For Christ's sake!
What?
It's because you were crouched!
Try it again standing up. Come on.
Forget it. Forget it, Gerald! I'm going home.
SKIPPY: Hey.
Hi, Skippy.
Where you goin'?
I don't know. Store.
Oh, yeah?
You want to come?
Come on.
[REGISTER BEEPING]
Why aren't you more upset about this?
I am upset if you're upset.
You think I'm too upset?
I think that...
I think that you don't have the same feeling
about guns that I have.
You don't?
No, I don't.
Guns don't scare you?
Not really.
They don't scare me that much.
Good.
It's just...
you never know with a gun.
I know.
DEBBIE: It's not like we have that much to protect.
I don't know about that.
I bet you got something in there that's valuable.
In your house, I mean.
I mean, I'm just trying to look at it
from Gerald's perspective.
Hey, hey, don't do that.
CASHIER: Ma'am, you in line?
Yes.
What are you buying?
SKIPPY: I'll get this.
Thank you.
SKIPPY: I'm sorry.
DEBBIE: Just don't do it.
I said I was sorry.
It was kind of falling in your eye.
CASHIER: Excuse me.
What?
Are you telling me you want
$97.50 in change for this magazine?
No, uh, sorry.
I got some singles here.
I have a 5.
You okay? It's fine. Just this step.
Go ahead.
Watch your jacket on the door.
It's fine. Watch the plant.
I like that jacket a lot. It's Gore-Tex.
Is the back all right?
You with me? I'm here.
Yeah, yeah, I can see that that's Gore-Tex.
Watch the plant. Ready?
Up, up. Up.
You got it?
Where did you get it?
Guess what it cost me.
With or without the pants?
Not the pants. I don't want the pants.
300? 385.
Yeah? And you like it?
Yeah. Put your side down.
[SIGHS] Put your side down.
Okay, there we go.
Go close the door before somebody comes in.
That's not a bad price. For Gore-Tex, I know.
That's crazy, though, for a windbreaker.
Why is it crazy? I needed it.
Yeah, I might get one.
You should get one, just for golf.
Maybe I will. Not just for golf, but you know...
That's gonna look good, right?
She'll love it, right?
[CHUCKLES] She'd better, for what you paid.
Try it the other way, maybe.
What other way? You know, turn it, let's see.
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
Debbie?
Hi, Skippy.
Don't turn off the water. I need to talk to you.
[WHISPERS] What about?
About what we talked about before.
You mean...
I mean the gun.
What do you mean?
I need to borrow it.
Don't ask me to do that for you.
I'd do anything for you.
I'm-- I'm not gonna loan you a loaded gun.
Uh, that's okay. You don't have to load it.
I could get bullets.
[SIGHS] Don't even say it.
I'm sorry.
You're really putting me on the spot here.
I wouldn't if it wasn't important.
Skippy...
What?
No. The answer's no.
You got company here?
[SIGHS]
Uh, hey, Gerald.
What are you doing out the window, Skip?
I came to borrow a cup of sugar, Gerald.
I said it would be no problem.
Well, why don't you come on in for it?
That will be fine.
I'll go open the door for you.
Thank you.
So you're making cookies, are you?
Yes, I am.
You're not doing a hell of lot with your life,
are you, Skippy?
Maybe not.
You been to college?
SKIPPY: I've been in the service.
GERALD: Didn't work out?
Uh, it worked out, but I got hepatitis
and it kind of helped me make up my mind
that I shouldn't go back.
GERALD: So...
do you have any ambition whatsoever?
Who pays for your townhouse?
Your mother?
Excuse me, but I'm not here
to take your daughter to the prom.
I'm just here to borrow a cup of sugar.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Was I asking too many questions? I'm sorry.
How is your mother?
SKIPPY: She's fine.
GERALD: We've never even met her.
No.
Well, she's kind of in and out.
[DEBBIE CLEARS THROAT]
Does this look like enough, Skip?
Oh, terrific.
Um, I...
got some stuff on my hands on your bushes outside.
Is it okay if I wash up?
You can use the sink right here.
Can I use the one upstairs?
It's the same layout as my place, right?
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
[♪♪♪]
[WATER RUNNING]
[DOOR OPENS]
[WATER SHUTS OFF]
Thanks.
No problem.
Well, I guess I'll just take that cup of sugar.
All right.
See you.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[PHONE RINGS]
Yes?
Oh, hi, Dad.
No, I'm fine.
Yeah, he's fine.
Oh, he's with Irwin.
Yeah, radiology meeting.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, why? You plannin' on stopping by?
No, I'm fine.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
Dad...
Dad, I gotta run.
I'm sorry. Yeah, somebody's here.
No, nobody you know.
Uh-oh.
Hi, Gerald.
You're home early.
Yeah, what's the matter?
Ah, what do you mean?
I thought you had a meeting.
I did. It's over.
Wow.
What?
Is your father in here or something?
You look like he's in here.
No, he's not here.
Then why do you look so suspicious?
Do I? I'm sorry.
You back in the valley of the dolls, Deb?
Uh...no.
GERALD: Debbie!
Where's the gun? The gun isn't here.
Wait. It's gone? It's gone!
How do you know?
How do I know? I opened the drawer.
I could see it was gone. What did you do with it?
I haven't got it. Well, then where is it?
I didn't... You didn't use it?
I didn't-didn't touch it. Debbie!
Gerald.
I loaned the gun to Skippy.
Oh.
You loaned it to Skippy?
Yes.
He asked to borrow it?
That's right.
I wouldn't loan the Firebird
to my own goddamn sister-in-law,
but you loan a loaded, licensed, traceable gun
to a Satan-worshipping junkie
who happens to live next door with his mother?
If he's got a mother. You...
You're so psycho, for crying out loud.
I don't think Skippy is into Satan.
That guy could be a public assassin
and knock somebody off with our gun.
Debbie...
Go get the gun back.
Unfortunately, I can't do that.
I-- I don't know where he went with it.
He stole it, didn't he?
Yes, as a matter of fact, he did.
[GASPING]
Ah, well.
[♪♪♪]
[CAR APPROACHING]
[DOG BARKING]
Skippy?
Hey.
How you doin'? I'm fine.
I think you have something of ours.
What would that be?
What would that be? That would be our gun.
I thought you said you wanted it out of the house.
Oh, Skippy, please.
So I got it out of the house.
You were just trying to help.
The most dangerous thing you can do with a gun is panic about it.
I thought it'd be safer--
Since when are you so concerned
about the safety of me and my wife?
Well, we're neighbors, Gerald.
Okay, why don't you just, uh,
go on in the house and get us our gun, Skip, okay?
You sure you want it back?
Yes.
Holy Christ! What are you doing?
You got it on you? What the hell--?
Take it easy with that, Gerald.
Don't go swinging that around.
I'm not swinging it around, okay?
I don't need you giving me any more
of your safety lessons, you hear me?
I would like to know
why you have my wife's gun in your pants.
We were hoping maybe you had it
under a pile of sweaters or something.
I put six fucking bullets in here.
There had better be six in here now.
[CLICKING]
Skippy.
Yes, sir.
One goddamn bullet is missing.
Yes, sir, I know.
You're not supposed to keep a gun fully loaded.
I'm sorry, you're supposed to keep
the hammer on an empty chamber.
I'm kind of surprised you didn't know that,
you being a gun owner and all, sir.
I took the bullet out for safety reasons.
It hasn't been fired. You can smell it.
Uh, Skippy, where is the sixth bullet?
It's at my place.
Do you want to come in?
Uh, yeah, we do.
No, we don't wanna wake up your mother.
Don't worry about my mother.
Come on.
[♪♪♪]
Here you go. Thanks.
You're welcome.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Who picked out your flooring?
You or-or your mother?
I did. Oh.
Well, we'll be saying good night now. Good night.
Oh, just one more thing.
I think you spun that chamber around when you were outside.
So you might want to check it.
What are you, Smokey the Bear?
You know, I've had about all the super safety tips
I can take from you, you got that?
I could have the cops on your ass in 30 seconds, pal. 911.
Watch your step.
Oh! Gerald!
Oh, my-- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Honey.
Oh, Debbie. Oh, my God.
GERALD: Oh, my God, that hurts! Look!
DEBBIE: Skippy!
GERALD: Debbie, look! DEBBIE: Honey.
GERALD: Look, look! Look!
DEBBIE: I know, I know.
GERALD: Oh, God, this hurts!
DEBBIE: Honey. GERALD: Oh, Debbie.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[CAR APPROACHING]
[RADIO PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
♪ ...on that old white car ♪
♪ Just like you can't hear ♪
♪ Somebody calling out Your name ♪
Oh, is it raining enough for you?
[LAUGHS]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[WHOOPS]
It's a fucking typhoon!
[LAUGHING]
[DOOR OPENS]
[RAIN PATTERING]
[COUGHING] Uh-oh.
Hi, Debbie.
MAN: Is she okay?
[RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING]
Well, she said she's done it before.
I'm sure she has. I'm sure she's fine.
I used to vomit blood in high school all the time,
and I was fine.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well,
she's not vomiting blood.
I know, but it's similar.
You really ought to put the ice in first.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Is there anything I can do?
[SIGHS]
You could give me the gun back.
All right.
No, I mean it, Skippy. That's what I came for.
All right. I mean, I-I know.
I figured the cops must be wondering where it is.
Well, I told the cops that I...
I threw it in one of the dumpsters
behind the sixth green.
And that I couldn't get it back because the dumpsters
were already dumped.
You told them that?
Yes.
Even Gerald believed me.
That was very smart.
Well, it's what I intend to do.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, you feeling better? Yes.
Good.
Hey, watch the counter. I'm gonna go out to your car
and get some entertainment. All right?
Tapes and shit, all right?
All right. All right.
Oh, uh, keys are in my raincoat.
Good. I'll wear it.
Can I ask you a question?
Do you have a head condition or something?
What do you mean?
Well, you fainted.
Well, I've been up all night at the hospital with Gerald.
And I-- I didn't eat and I haven't slept. And...
[SIGHS]
Want me to make you something to eat here?
No, no, I'm fine.
Why? Why not? I can make you some onion rings.
No, I don't like onion rings.
Why? What's wrong? It's a vegetable.
Skippy...
onion rings aren't a vegetable.
I'm sorry, but onions are a vegetable.
[RAIN PATTERING]
[SIGHS] I'm fine with just the Coke.
You're so pretty.
No, I'm not.
You wanna know something?
No.
[GUN FIRES IN DISTANCE]
[LAUGHS]
[♪♪♪]
Are you sure?
[CAR HORN BLARING]
What's that sound?
Is it coming from your car?
[HORN CONTINUES BLARING]
[HORN BLARING]
Oh, shit.
Come on, get me out of here.
Give me those keys.
Somebody shot me.
Shit.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SIGHS]
I don't get it. They left the restaurant
totally unattended?
I don't know. I'm not-- I'm not sure.
What was wrong with the guy in the car?
I don't know. I think maybe he was attacked or something.
You should call the cops.
You think I should?
Of course you should.
I don't know if I want to get Skippy mixed up with the cops.
Debbie. What?
What are you talking about
you don't want to get Skippy mixed up with the cops?
You don't think he's mixed up with the cops as it is?
He probably ripped off our gun for a hit. He probably blew it.
Now there's probably a contract out on him.
Oh. You think so?
What else?
Oh, I should have waited there.
And run the place for him?
I was afraid to stay there. I don't know why.
I don't know why you went there in the first place.
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]
I'm sorry, did you say something?
Wh-what did you say?
I don't know.
I, uh-- I didn't say anything.
Gerald, I need to take a nap or something.
Why? [SIGHS]
I think I'll just go home for an hour.
All right. I'll be back in an hour.
Whatever you want. Maybe I won't take a nap.
Maybe I'll take a quick bath or something.
Fine. Okay.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[SIGHS]
Hi. Hi.
Debbie.
What?
Can I borrow your car? I need a car.
Well, what's wrong with your car?
Nothing's wrong with my car.
The clicker. I can't find the clicker,
the garage door opener.
I-I can't get my car out of the garage.
Skippy.
What?
Did somebody die in your car today?
You mean Chris? Chris isn't dead.
He's not? No.
[SIGHS]
Well, then what happened to him? Wh-what's wrong with him?
He had appendicitis.
Oh, appendicitis.
Yeah.
Skippy, please, just give me the gun back. Right now.
I can't. I have to take my m-mother to the airport.
Your mother? My mother.
Where is she?
She's inside.
I'll go get her.
[KEYS JINGLING]
Hey.
[SCOFFS]
[BOTH CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Hi. Hi.
Oh, um, one thing.
I'm sorry, can you do me one favor?
Can you keep an eye on my place while we're gone?
In case anybody shows up?
Skippy, what the hell's going on here?
My mom's gotta go to Phoenix.
We have a place in Phoenix.
I know you're in some kind of trouble.
Not really.
Your friend didn't have appendicitis.
Debbie, yes, he did.
But right now, I'm more worried about my mother.
I've never even seen her before.
Well, you're not really gonna see a lot of her now,
because we really have to run.
[♪♪♪]
Come on.
All right, hop in. Watch your head.
Skippy, wait.
Look, I told Gerald I'd go right back to the hospital.
Uh-huh?
[ENGINE STARTS] Can I have my purse?
Thank you.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[CAR APPROACHING]
MYRA: According to her, he's very sick.
You can explain that we feel badly about it.
[♪♪♪]
Hi, Irwin.
Are you okay? What's the matter?
Uh...
We just feel like shit, Deb. I, uh...
I don't know how to face you guys.
DEBBIE: What is it?
It's my responsibility that Gerald shot himself.
Well, all right. It's not like he's dead or anything.
You haven't heard.
DEBBIE: Heard what? What haven't I heard?
He's got botulism.
Botulism. You mean like from food?
The egg salad sandwich you brought him.
We were just there.
He's a mess.
He-he-he's a real mess.
I was just with him at 5:00 and he was fine.
He's had an egg salad sandwich every day.
You know what, we're gonna sue their ass, Deb.
It's all my fault.
Look, I'm just gonna call him and make sure that he's okay.
IRWIN: It's too late.
Al shot him up with some kind of crap. He's out.
We tried to call you first but the machine wasn't on.
Debbie.
Yes?
He's not coming home in the morning.
He's not?
Oh, God. Do you wanna kill me?
No. No.
Thank you.
Can you make me a drink?
Would you like one too?
Sure, thanks. If-if you're pouring.
Uh, this may not be the best time, well...
Um...
I don't know.
What?
What is it?
It's about the wedding. My wedding. Um...
What I'm trying to say is
I would like you to be my maid of honor.
M-matron. Matron of honor. Would you be?
I thought, you know, I-I'd like to make you see
that you're like family to me.
In a way. I-I mean.
Everything doesn't have to be about Irwin and Gerald,
does it? You know what I mean?
It could be about you and me too.
I don't really have a family.
Just Irwin and, uh...
Does, um, does this sound weird?
No. No. No. No.
No, I-- I would be honored to be in your wedding.
Really.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Thank you.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Oh, Gerald.
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hi.
Sorry, it's late.
I fell asleep.
Can I stay here?
You, uh... I don't know.
I would be right by the door.
Yeah?
Well...
Okay.
Do you want a blanket or something?
No, thanks.
You go to bed.
Yeah? Yeah, go to bed.
Okay.
Gerald's got botulism.
Botulism? That's pretty bad.
Yes, it is.
Look, I'm a little nervous.
Do you think we could just talk tomorrow?
Okay. Yeah.
Fine.
Don't be scared. Oh, I'm not scared.
I've got your gun, just in case.
You do?
Oh...
Well, okay. Yeah.
You don't have another one, do you?
No, Skippy.
I...
Well, th-this should be fine.
Good.
[SIGHS]
Um, you know, don't worry.
I'm not worried. See you tomorrow.
Okay. All right?
You're really helping me out a lot here.
You okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm great.
All right.
Good night. Good night.
[♪♪♪]
SKIPPY: Hey.
Can I have a glass of water?
Sure.
Do you want some juice?
No, water's fine.
I think I saw someone in your house.
Really?
Could someone have broken in? I mean, it's locked, right?
[♪♪♪]
No, nobody's there.
What? What are you looking at?
I want to get rid of the gun.
But I'm holding it for you.
It's my gun.
I'm sorry. You're right.
Thank you.
You're a fishy guy, aren't you, Skippy?
No, I'm not.
Well, somebody's after you. What are they after?
How do you mean?
It's the gun, right?
Did you shoot somebody?
No, I didn't shoot anybody.
Tell me the truth.
I didn't shoot anybody.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna wrap it in this towel and take it out to a dumpster.
[SIGHS]
Please don't do that. Don't do that.
Just in case.
Don't answer the phone.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi.
Hi, there. Do you remember me?
I'm the one with the car.
I loaned you my car yesterday.
I was wondering if I could come in just for a minute...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Let me tell you the truth, okay?
Can I just tell you the truth?
I'm looking for Skippy.
[SIGHS] Uh...
You see, he, well...
I loaned him 100 bucks and...
[SIGHS] I get--
I get the feeling he doesn't...
He's not gonna give it back.
And I, uh...
You want money.
Yes.
Yes, I-I came for the money.
That's right. You see? A-a mother knows.
I-I can get you the money.
Oh, you would do that?
You wait r-right there.
Okay.
Oh, I'll just... I'll wait right here.
Is this a two-bedroom?
Yes, it is.
Oh, same as me.
I live with my dad.
I have your money right here.
I gotta say, these are very unusual floors
for a place like this.
[CHUCKLES]
I-is it linoleum?
Yes, it is.
Hmm. Must wear well.
It does.
Who picked it out? You or Skippy?
I did.
Oh.
You did. It's-- It's nice.
Can I use your bathroom,
just for a minute? I'll-- I'll be right back.
I think it's the same layout as my place.
Be right back.
[♪♪♪]
Hey! [GASPS]
What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
That's mine.
Okay. Ow.
[WOMAN CHATTERING OVER PA]
Good morning. Can I help you?
I'm bleeding.
Your name?
Bender. Debbie.
Mrs. Dr. Bender?
Yes, that's right.
Hi, Mrs. Bender. I'm Janice Phee.
I'm so glad to meet you.
Oh...
You're in some pain.
Uh, well, I...
cut myself.
Terrific. Hang on.
Okay.
I had to get a tetanus shot.
[GROANS] Yeah, well, it hurt.
Is there blood in the car?
Well, some.
There is.
Look, Debbie,
you should get it down to the cleaner before it sets.
I knew we shouldn't have gotten mocha seats.
Shouldn't have gotten my arm caught
in the fucking garage door, Gerald.
What the hell kind of language is that in front of Al?
[SIGHS] I'm sorry.
So Deb, did the patient here tell you the latest finding?
No, what? What is it? Well, it's good news.
It wasn't the egg salad sandwich
that you brought, after all.
It was another egg salad sandwich.
The one Irwin brought, the one with the anchovies.
It was a bad can. He didn't know.
So you're no longer implicated.
Just kidding.
I tried to call and tell you, but nobody answered.
You-- You don't put the machine on anymore?
The, uh, cannery's been notified. They'll be sued.
I certainly hope no one else ate any.
No one else. What about me?
I-I know you--
What? What? What? Aren't I enough?
Aren't I the one with the bullet hole?
Jeez, think of me sometimes!
Why don't we get out of here?
Didn't you say you want to get to a car wash?
Well, yes, but I thought I'd stay and make sure--
Ah, go ahead. I'm fine here.
You are?
I said I'm fine.
Okay, I'll just come back with some lunch.
I don't believe you, Debbie.
What?
Lunch.
Lunch. Did you say lunch?
You might recall that I have contracted
food poisoning in the past two days,
and I don't have much of an appetite!
Okay.
Let's go.
Tell me how you cut your arm.
I went to your house.
You what?
I rang the doorbell.
You did?
That woman answered. The one you said was your mother.
She is my mother.
She is?
Yeah, but she isn't there. She went to Phoenix.
Oh, no, she was there.
I-- I don't think she was there.
[RADIO PLAYING FAINTLY]
Ma?
Ma?
Hi, sweetie.
Ma, what the hell are you doin' here?
I said hi.
I know, and I said, "What the hell are you doing here?"
I put you on a plane.
Well, I wasn't ready to leave. I got off.
Is this your girlfriend?
Ma, where's Andrew?
Has he been here?
No. No, of course not. No. He's not here.
He-he wouldn't come here.
It's not safe here.
He wouldn't hurt me.
Are you all right? Are you feeling dizzy?
Skippy,
what would I do in Phoenix?
Ma, are you dizzy or not?
I-I think I need some water.
Ma.
What? Just water.
I'll get it.
No, he'll get it. No.
SKIPPY: What are you taking?
You don't trust me.
I don't know.
Well...
you can search my pockets.
Sorry I'm so late.
Relax, Debbie. He's fine. He's sleeping some pills off.
Oh,
I just had this horrible feeling
something else had happened to him.
Hey, hey, hey, relax, calm down. My gosh, he's fine!
In fact, we're springing him.
Now? Tomorrow.
Oh. Oh.
You know, you're the one that looks like shit, Deb.
Irwin!
You don't look that bad, Deb. Don't listen to him.
You do look a little tired, though.
MYRA: You are tired, aren't you?
It's probably just catching up with you.
Hey, look, I'm gonna do you a little favor.
I'm gonna send you home right now, okay?
I mean, he's out cold. We can all go home.
You watch something good on TV tonight.
I don't think I could even-- I can't. I just--
So let's give her something.
DOCTOR: How about that? Would you like that?
Something to slow you down a little? Would that be all right?
I don't know. No, thanks.
No, no, no, not something to knock you out.
I mean something so you can get a little rest.
You've got a big day tomorrow with the man coming home.
[♪♪♪]
It's not like she's sleeping on your sheets.
Just sleeping on top of the blanket.
Sleeping like a baby.
Hey, what's this?
What?
It looks superstitious.
Well...
[CHUCKLES]
Kind of.
Where did you get it?
I bought it.
Do I make you nervous?
[LAUGHING] Yes.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my mom makes you nervous too.
Oh...
Well, you make me more nervous than she does.
Is it 'cause I won't give you back your gun?
Well, that has something to do with it.
Yeah.
What else?
I don't know.
What else?
I don't know.
I thought we were pretty good friends.
Well, I thought so too.
You wanna go back to my place?
I thought somebody was looking for you over there.
Well, I think I feel pretty uncomfortable here.
Hmm...
[PHONE RINGING]
Why don't you get it?
You get it.
Hello?
Just a minute.
Is there a Dan here?
No, there's no Dan here.
Hello.
They hung up.
Hello. How may I help you?
I need a room.
Okay. Smoking?
Sure.
Is this for all of you?
No, it's just for my mother.
Oh,
well, we're glad to have her.
SKIPPY: Jeez, I can never remember the zip code.
07142?
[♪♪♪]
How'd you get so soft?
What did your mama feed you?
[LAUGHING]
Hey.
Do you think the aluminum is better than the wood?
Definitely.
I guess.
Hey, there she is.
Honey!
Well, what do you think, huh?
The old man has arrived.
Old indeed, yes.
DEBBIE: Oh.
GERALD: How am I doing?
DEBBIE: You're doing great.
I'll get the door.
IRWIN: Okay, good job.
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
Hey, there.
Okay.
All right.
You all right? Yeah.
Let me help you.
GERALD: Oh, shit, Debbie, don't!
Jesus.
Don't touch that hand.
I'm sorry.
It's a contusion. I'm afraid I slammed it
against the bed guard this morning.
So stupid of me. It was an accident.
You didn't tell me.
You didn't notice the bruise.
It looks like they had me up on a hook.
Would you like me to get you some ice?
An ice pack, yes, uh...
Where is it, Gerald?
We didn't leave it there, did we?
No, it's got to be in the car.
I threw it in with the flowers.
Okay.
Well...
does it look different?
What?
The house.
No. Why?
What did you do to it?
I-I didn't do anything.
I don't know. You've been away for a while.
I thought maybe it would look different.
No, it looks the same.
In fact, it looks
almost unbearably unchanged.
What?
Look...
I might as well say it now.
I thought about it a lot this week and I...
I think I need a change.
I want to try being apart...
from you.
I guess this comes as a shock.
I thought you were happy.
I had a lot of time to think.
What do you mean?
You've been on antibiotics and sedatives.
What the hell kind of thinking is that?
Ice pack.
Sorry.
IRWIN: Is something wrong?
I told her.
No.
I don't understand. I mean,
are you trying to punish me for something, Gerald?
I'm not trying to punish you, I am simply
trying to deal with me.
I've just had a lot of strange brushes with death.
Are you kidding me?
No. I mean it.
Look...
this whole crazy business with the gun,
with the kid next door.
He's not a kid. He looks like a goddamn kid.
I don't care if he's 50 years old.
How you could create a situation
where he could come into our home
and steal a loaded weapon, it's...
You were here when he took it.
How he even knew that we possessed the weapon,
and where it was kept.
Debbie,
your lack of common discretion is mind-boggling to me.
Gerald--
And worst of all, it's unbearably unsurprising.
That's what really kills me, the unsurprising nature
of the crap you get us into.
I haven't started on the business with the dumpster.
Have any idea how embarrassing it was
for me to have to deal with some cop,
on the subject of a missing gun?
You-you're very lucky that his mother happens to be a patient.
You're leaving me because of the gun?
The gun was merely a catalyst
for a reaction waiting to happen.
You composed that, didn't you, Irwin?
[LAUGHING]
That is good, that's really good.
MYRA: Okay, I'll have a grilled cheese and coffee, please.
DEBBIE: And I'll have the coffee too, and a BLT, please.
Anyway...
I-I just want you to know, Deb, that
this doesn't change a thing for me or for Irwin.
We talked about it.
I mean, you're still planning to come?
Of course.
You still like the dress?
Yeah, it's fine.
Is it? Yeah, I like it.
Oh, I hope so.
Debbie...
I want you to know
that you are welcome to bring someone if you want to.
I mean, like a date.
[CHUCKLES]
Why do you say that?
Um, well, I don't know.
I-- I thought that you might want to.
I mean, you don't have to. It's...
Really.
Hmm, is, uh...
Is Gerald bringing somebody?
Oh, I don't know. I don't-- I don't think so. I'm...
Uh, I think that he is seeing someone.
I-I guess she might be coming.
I couldn't let you just find out when we got there.
Oh, no, no, it's-- It's fine.
It's fine.
So tell me about your new place. How's it coming?
Oh, it's wonderful. I mean,
just setting up our own home,
the two of us, a little family...
Oh, listen to me. I am so insensitive.
What do you mean, insensitive?
Because you're happy? I mean, you're the bride.
Hmm.
I want to know if you'll be allowed to drink
at your own reception.
Not legally.
I hope it turns out to be special enough.
Oh, it will.
I don't know.
Sometimes it just seems kind of ruined without you around.
Oh...
I'm around.
Grilled cheese?
Thank you.
[RADIO PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
Excuse me. Sorry. Miss?
Hi.
Um, you live around here?
I live-- I live right here.
I was wondering if, uh,
do you know your neighbors?
I-I'm looking around for the people who live over here.
Well, I haven't seen anybody over there.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, hey,
thanks.
Okay. Good luck.
Uh, excuse me, miss?
Uh, yeah, hi.
Uh, sorry again.
You know, to tell you the truth about this,
I'm actually family.
Family to...?
These folk, your neighbors.
Oh.
Were they expecting you?
Yes, they were.
Well, why don't you leave a note for them in the mailbox?
You know, that's a super idea.
Do you have a-- A pen?
I-- Yes. I'll just-- I'll go inside
and I'll get one for you.
Fine. That'll be fine.
All right. All right.
[♪♪♪]
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN [ON TV]: ...become instinctive.
His positioning, impeccable.
A mistake or miscalculation
can be truly catastrophic.
Skippy.
What?
I think someone's here.
What are you doing?
[DOOR CLOSES]
What was that?
MAN: Miss?
Miss?
Skippy, what do I do?
Be yourself.
MAN: Hello, it's just me.
Hi,
excuse me, I let myself in.
I can see that.
Yeah, 'cause, you know, I decided
the hell with the note.
I'll just come back later.
Okay.
I wanted to tell you thanks, anyway.
Look at this.
Is this your dress?
Yes.
You must be getting married.
No, no, I'm the maid of honor.
I'm the matron of honor.
But it's all white.
Yes, that's right.
That's what the bride chose, all white for everyone.
No kidding?
Yeah. I mean, no. I mean...
Look, I don't know who you are,
and I think I'd like you to leave now.
You're an intruder.
Holy cow, am I?
You're right. Wow, I'm sorry.
Hey,
I wasn't thinking. I'm on my way.
It's okay.
Hey, I'm on my way. Okay.
That's a beautiful dress you got there.
Thank you.
No problem. Is it a church wedding?
No, a golf club.
A golf club? When's the wedding?
Tomorrow, um, soon.
Super. Enjoy it.
Thank you.
Hey...
bye now.
Oh, my God.
You okay?
Yeah. We've got to get out of here.
All right.
Wait. Did I say too much?
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
You looking for the lady?
SKIPPY: Yeah.
She went down to the pool. Straight ahead, to your right,
and down the stairs.
[MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Skippy.
Andrew's been at the house.
What did he say?
Uh, he didn't see me.
How long you been in here, Mom?
Skippy?
What?
It's no crime to press the barriers of mortality.
Come on, Ma, don't start that.
What's she talking about?
I'm talking about internal and external...
regeneration.
I was married on the plane of eternal life.
It was a landfill, and that guy is a fraud.
You gave him $80,000 in a shoebox full of treasury notes.
And you're still gonna die.
Come on, let's get you out of this thing.
I'm comfortable.
Yeah, I know, but come on.
[GROANS] Come on.
Careful, it's very slippery.
I know.
I know, I know.
I've got your slippers here.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
MAN: Kimmy, it's me.
Kimmy, o-open the door. Let me in.
[KNOCKING] Kimmy.
Kimmy.
[DOOR BURSTS OPEN] [GASPS]
[♪♪♪]
What? It's just the maid. I know.
Just let me look.
All right.
Stay here.
We gotta go.
Right now?
Yeah, right now. We're in a hurry.
Wait a second.
Mom, I think maybe we ought to go out the other way.
[BOTH WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
All right, okay.
[SIRENS WAILING]
Thank you. Not to be disturbed?
Yeah.
Ma?
I think we ought to talk to the cops.
How about breakfast?
What do you want?
Coffee.
Coffee.
OFFICER: This could be a volatile situation.
Just stay here, you'll be fine.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Um, I have to go to a wedding.
Today. Th-this afternoon.
A wedding? Yeah.
I think you're gonna have to miss that.
Oh, I-I can't. I'm-I'm the matron of honor.
The bride is just a kid,
and I'm-- And I'm her only family. I have to go.
Listen--
I have to go. I really have to go.
Okay. Okay.
Where's the wedding?
We'll send someone over with you.
What do you mean?
We'll send a couple of guys, uh,
is it a big wedding, black tie and all?
Oh, just suits.
I'm going too, sir.
That's not a real good idea.
I'm going. I'm going with Skippy.
OFFICER: Okay, look...
Let's just hold on here for a minute, okay?
KIMMY: No, please. He can't leave me.
Don't worry, Miss Hayes.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You know,
my brother had a bunch of your records.
He was a big fan.
Oh.
He's dead now.
I see.
Well, it's white.
It's nice.
Actually, I like it too.
Wow.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I'd like some gloves.
MAN: Okay, yeah.
Ooh, I like these.
What do you think?
Well, it's a wedding.
KIMMY: No, thanks.
Can I show you something else?
Ooh, I like those, though.
Okay, we're down to these two, okay?
Now we got...
I really appreciate what you've been doing for us.
You're quite welcome. Hmm.
I'd like to, uh,
prevent any unnecessary danger.
That's my job.
[CHUCKLES]
I was hoping you'd say that.
SKIPPY: Hey. Hey.
Let's get me a suit.
Yeah.
I wish you hadn't done that.
How you doing?
MYRA: Aunt Belle, this is Debbie. At last.
This is Irwin's aunt Belle.
These are his cousins, the twins.
Glen and Mel.
Nice to meet you.
Hi. Hi.
Hi, I've heard a lot about you.
MYRA: And that's my friend Kelly Jane, over by my stuff.
Kelly Jane works with me.
Debbie, I'm so relieved that you're here.
So am I.
It's not the right dress.
Oh, I know. I know. I'm sorry, Myra.
You didn't like the one that I picked.
It's not that, really. It's just...
I understand.
KELLY JANE: Myra, I don't see it.
MYRA: Oh, you don't?
Um, um, check in my shoe, okay?
Deb, can you help Kelly Jane find that watch I always wear?
Oh, sure. Thanks.
MYRA: Hey, do you guys remember if I was wearing it this morning?
GLEN: I don't know.
Oh, wait. I'm sorry, here it is.
I got it.
She looks wonderful.
[MYRA GIGGLING]
Me? No, I'm a friend of the groom's.
In fact, to tell you the truth, I'm the best man.
Really? Wow! Okay.
So you must know just about everybody here.
Just about.
What's wrong with your foot?
Oh, boy.
Don't ask. I've had just about everything
wrong with me lately but cat scratch fever.
I had that. Cat scratch fever.
You're kidding? Yeah.
MYRA: Are you okay? KELLY JANE: Yes.
MYRA: Should I take the ring off?
MEL: I don't know.
MYRA: But how is he gonna get--
You have to-- Will you wear it for me during--
Or maybe Debbie should during the ceremony.
So...
What do you do?
I'm a radiologist.
Irwin and I are partners.
Irwin?
The groom.
Of course.
How about you?
Well, I'm involved in health also,
but I don't have much patience for traditional medicine.
I believe in total freedom from scientific law.
[LAUGHING] That's ridiculous.
You laughing at me?
I can see that. I know what you're thinking.
You know what I say to that?
I say that I am bringing health and hope
where there was none.
I bet you are.
You have a lot of patients?
It just takes one.
One beautiful star in your sky to make life complete.
Sorry.
Hey. Hi.
You powdered your nose?
I did.
Is this your wife?
No, she's not. Nice talking to you.
Excuse me.
All right.
BARTENDER: What can I get you?
Coke for me.
Uh, make that two.
[GASPS]
Did I scare you? I'm sorry.
No, it's all right. It's all right.
Hey, you look terrific.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God.
What is it?
AL: That's Kimmy Hayes. It's got to be.
DEBBIE: Oh, you know her?
Do I know her? Are you kidding?
I haven't seen her in--
Wow. I mean, I can't believe it.
Do you think Irwin knows Kimmy?
I'll bet you don't even know Kimmy.
She was...
That's my mother, sir.
Skippy, this is--
Kimmy is your mother?
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
This is Skippy. Al Schlyen. Al, Skippy.
You want to meet her?
I would love to.
I got one.
SKIPPY: What? DEBBIE: A gun.
SKIPPY: From where? DEBBIE: For you, I thought...
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Everything okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
MAN: Got some Cokes. SKIPPY: Yeah. Yeah.
See you. See you.
I need you upstairs for the bride, Deb.
Okay. Um...
[BELL RINGS]
WOMAN: Uh, kindly sit down, everyone, please.
Mom, I think we ought to sit down now.
You're right. You're right. Will you join me?
[KIMMY CHUCKLES]
Yes, I-I would like that.
Would you save me a seat?
I-I think I need to visit the powder room.
SKIPPY: I'll take you.
What's going on?
Uh, we're gonna go to the ladies' room.
All right, let me check it out first.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Uh, do you happen to know if this is the,
the bride's side or the groom's side?
I-I think you can sit anywhere you like.
Oh, super.
Thank you.
Go ahead, ma'am.
[PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE]
Hi, how are you?
It's beautiful.
ANDREW: Are you looking for me?
Me? No, I just wanted to save a few seats here,
if you don't mind.
Who are you saving them for? Well...
I noticed you were talking to somebody over there
a few minutes ago.
Is that the person you're planning to sit with?
Well, yes.
[PEOPLE GASPING]
[ALL CLAMORING]
Kimmy, Kimmy, I'm here.
Kimmy!
Oh, shit!
Where is she?
Andrew, don't do this.
I said, where is she?
MYRA: Debbie.
Call your mother.
Go on. Call your mother, son.
So she can see you punished.
You poisonous, selfish child!
Mom, can you come out here, please?
Louder, goddamn it!
Louder!
Put your gun down, mister.
I mean it.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
Up.
I'm sorry, son.
I'm a doctor. She's dead.
Hi, Dr. Schlyen. Ray Benson.
AL: I'm sorry, Ray. I didn't realize it was you.
RAY: No problem, doc.
We'll transport her.
AL: Thank you.
Do you have a car here?
What?
Do you have a car here?
No, I came with the cops.
Take my keys.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE]
How you doin'?
Okay.
You look terrific.
Thank you.
[PLAYING WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS"]
Can I drive?
Thanks.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[♪♪♪]
♪ Once I had my heroes ♪
♪ Once I had some dreams ♪
♪ But all of that is Changed now ♪
♪ It turns things inside out ♪
♪ The truth is not that Comfortable, no ♪
♪ Mother taught us patience ♪
♪ The virtues of restraint ♪
♪ Father taught us Boundaries ♪
♪ Beyond which We must go ♪
♪ To find those secrets Promised us ♪
♪ That's when I reach for my revolver ♪
♪ That's when it all gets Blown away ♪
♪ That's when I reach for My revolver ♪
♪ The spirit fights To find its way ♪
♪ And now the sky is empty ♪
♪ And that is nothing new ♪
♪ Its dead eyes look down On me ♪
♪ And tell me ♪
♪ We're nothing ♪
♪ That's when I reach For my revolver ♪
♪ That's when it all gets Blown away ♪
♪ That's when I reach For my revolver ♪
♪ The spirit fights To find its way ♪
[♪♪♪]
IRWIN: No, really, it's fabulous.
I had no idea you were such a homemaker.
MYRA: Oh?
IRWIN: No, I mean in a good way.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
MYRA: Right. Would love that.
So...
What's the big news, Irwin?
Me and Myra, we're tying the knot.
GERALD: I knew it.
We guessed it.
Congratulations.
IRWIN: You saw the ring.
We certainly did.
GERALD: It's beautiful, Myra.
It's very big. Thanks.
Where the hell are those olives?
Deb?
Debbie. Debbie. Excuse me.
Can you, uh...?
Oh, yeah. Okay. [MUTTERING]
Sorry about that.
Hey, it's not a big disaster.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[GUESTS CHATTERING]
Irwin got me something else too, didn't you, Irwin?
What did you get for her, Irwin?
It was just a little something I thought she needed.
In my opinion. You might not agree.
GERALD: What is it?
He got me a .38.
You got her a gun?
IRWIN: Yes, I did. First of all,
she's got to go through port authority every night.
She carries it with her?
IRWIN: It's very small.
MYRA: It's got Myra etched in the handle.
Do you want to see it? It's here in my bag. Hold on.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
You know, something smells delicious.
I tell you, this, uh...
Is it lamb, Deb?
Yes, Irwin. It's lamb.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
GERALD: Debbie, look...
I like the idea and I want to give it a try.
Just in case.
Just in case what?
In case. In case of a prowler or break-in.
A threat to us here in the house.
It happens.
You know?
We live in a very sick world.
The fact is, I'm very uncomfortable
with us living the way that we do.
Totally unprotected.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
Can I ask you a question?
You mean a lot to me. Gerald.
What?
How did Irwin convince you of this?
[CHUCKLES]
Irwin has nothing to do with this.
You know, except that I agree with him.
Well, I don't. I don't and I-I don't want it.
You don't want it? I don't want it.
Well, it's too late.
You've got it.
Everyone's armed. That's final.
[♪♪♪]
Honey, I'm distracted.
You're distracted?
Hmm. I don't feel safe with it here.
You're supposed to feel safer.
[SIGHS]
Okay, let's just go to sleep.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
[SIGHS]
[SCREAMS]
What? What happened? [PANTING]
I don't know. I-- I thought I...
I don't know. I... Never mind. I don't know.
I-I don't know. I don't know.
It's okay. It's okay.
You wanna go to sleep? Okay?
Yeah, yeah, let's go to sleep.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
[PHONE RINGING] [GASPS]
Who the hell could that be?
Hello?
MAN: Debbie, it's me.
Skippy?
Um, I heard you scream. Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Did he hit you?
No. No, no, no.
W-w-we're both-- We're both fine.
I was just looking out for your safety.
Thank you.
Kitty Genovese, you know, Deb?
Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right, I know.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you.
So it's all right? Yeah, yeah. Good night.
What the hell is wrong with that guy?
Well, he heard me scream.
It's fine. It's fine.
What? What are you looking at?
I-I-I-I had a nightmare, Gerald,
and I yelled. I'm sorry.
[SIGHS]
Do you mind if I watch TV or something
just for a minute? I-I, uh...
Calm down a little--
I'd rather you didn't. It's 4 a.m.
[SIGHS]
Okay. All right.
You're right.
[BIRDS CAWING]
DEBBIE: Gerald, I don't wanna do this.
Huh?
Think about what I just showed you.
Okay...
pick it up.
Just let me try one from down here.
No, no, do it standing up.
I can't get comfortable. I can't get ready.
Debbie, point and shoot.
[SIGHS]
I can't. I'm sorry, Gerald.
You can't just let me decide a damn thing, can you?
Just-- Just let me crouch the first time, okay?
It feels better. Let me try it this way.
That thumb comes over...
Yeah, I got that. Got that.
Okay.
[GUN FIRES]
[SCREAMS]
[PANTING]
Oh, man.
I could have killed somebody.
For Christ's sake!
What?
It's because you were crouched!
Try it again standing up. Come on.
Forget it. Forget it, Gerald! I'm going home.
SKIPPY: Hey.
Hi, Skippy.
Where you goin'?
I don't know. Store.
Oh, yeah?
You want to come?
Come on.
[REGISTER BEEPING]
Why aren't you more upset about this?
I am upset if you're upset.
You think I'm too upset?
I think that...
I think that you don't have the same feeling
about guns that I have.
You don't?
No, I don't.
Guns don't scare you?
Not really.
They don't scare me that much.
Good.
It's just...
you never know with a gun.
I know.
DEBBIE: It's not like we have that much to protect.
I don't know about that.
I bet you got something in there that's valuable.
In your house, I mean.
I mean, I'm just trying to look at it
from Gerald's perspective.
Hey, hey, don't do that.
CASHIER: Ma'am, you in line?
Yes.
What are you buying?
SKIPPY: I'll get this.
Thank you.
SKIPPY: I'm sorry.
DEBBIE: Just don't do it.
I said I was sorry.
It was kind of falling in your eye.
CASHIER: Excuse me.
What?
Are you telling me you want
$97.50 in change for this magazine?
No, uh, sorry.
I got some singles here.
I have a 5.
You okay? It's fine. Just this step.
Go ahead.
Watch your jacket on the door.
It's fine. Watch the plant.
I like that jacket a lot. It's Gore-Tex.
Is the back all right?
You with me? I'm here.
Yeah, yeah, I can see that that's Gore-Tex.
Watch the plant. Ready?
Up, up. Up.
You got it?
Where did you get it?
Guess what it cost me.
With or without the pants?
Not the pants. I don't want the pants.
300? 385.
Yeah? And you like it?
Yeah. Put your side down.
[SIGHS] Put your side down.
Okay, there we go.
Go close the door before somebody comes in.
That's not a bad price. For Gore-Tex, I know.
That's crazy, though, for a windbreaker.
Why is it crazy? I needed it.
Yeah, I might get one.
You should get one, just for golf.
Maybe I will. Not just for golf, but you know...
That's gonna look good, right?
She'll love it, right?
[CHUCKLES] She'd better, for what you paid.
Try it the other way, maybe.
What other way? You know, turn it, let's see.
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
Debbie?
Hi, Skippy.
Don't turn off the water. I need to talk to you.
[WHISPERS] What about?
About what we talked about before.
You mean...
I mean the gun.
What do you mean?
I need to borrow it.
Don't ask me to do that for you.
I'd do anything for you.
I'm-- I'm not gonna loan you a loaded gun.
Uh, that's okay. You don't have to load it.
I could get bullets.
[SIGHS] Don't even say it.
I'm sorry.
You're really putting me on the spot here.
I wouldn't if it wasn't important.
Skippy...
What?
No. The answer's no.
You got company here?
[SIGHS]
Uh, hey, Gerald.
What are you doing out the window, Skip?
I came to borrow a cup of sugar, Gerald.
I said it would be no problem.
Well, why don't you come on in for it?
That will be fine.
I'll go open the door for you.
Thank you.
So you're making cookies, are you?
Yes, I am.
You're not doing a hell of lot with your life,
are you, Skippy?
Maybe not.
You been to college?
SKIPPY: I've been in the service.
GERALD: Didn't work out?
Uh, it worked out, but I got hepatitis
and it kind of helped me make up my mind
that I shouldn't go back.
GERALD: So...
do you have any ambition whatsoever?
Who pays for your townhouse?
Your mother?
Excuse me, but I'm not here
to take your daughter to the prom.
I'm just here to borrow a cup of sugar.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Was I asking too many questions? I'm sorry.
How is your mother?
SKIPPY: She's fine.
GERALD: We've never even met her.
No.
Well, she's kind of in and out.
[DEBBIE CLEARS THROAT]
Does this look like enough, Skip?
Oh, terrific.
Um, I...
got some stuff on my hands on your bushes outside.
Is it okay if I wash up?
You can use the sink right here.
Can I use the one upstairs?
It's the same layout as my place, right?
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
[♪♪♪]
[WATER RUNNING]
[DOOR OPENS]
[WATER SHUTS OFF]
Thanks.
No problem.
Well, I guess I'll just take that cup of sugar.
All right.
See you.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[PHONE RINGS]
Yes?
Oh, hi, Dad.
No, I'm fine.
Yeah, he's fine.
Oh, he's with Irwin.
Yeah, radiology meeting.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, why? You plannin' on stopping by?
No, I'm fine.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
Dad...
Dad, I gotta run.
I'm sorry. Yeah, somebody's here.
No, nobody you know.
Uh-oh.
Hi, Gerald.
You're home early.
Yeah, what's the matter?
Ah, what do you mean?
I thought you had a meeting.
I did. It's over.
Wow.
What?
Is your father in here or something?
You look like he's in here.
No, he's not here.
Then why do you look so suspicious?
Do I? I'm sorry.
You back in the valley of the dolls, Deb?
Uh...no.
GERALD: Debbie!
Where's the gun? The gun isn't here.
Wait. It's gone? It's gone!
How do you know?
How do I know? I opened the drawer.
I could see it was gone. What did you do with it?
I haven't got it. Well, then where is it?
I didn't... You didn't use it?
I didn't-didn't touch it. Debbie!
Gerald.
I loaned the gun to Skippy.
Oh.
You loaned it to Skippy?
Yes.
He asked to borrow it?
That's right.
I wouldn't loan the Firebird
to my own goddamn sister-in-law,
but you loan a loaded, licensed, traceable gun
to a Satan-worshipping junkie
who happens to live next door with his mother?
If he's got a mother. You...
You're so psycho, for crying out loud.
I don't think Skippy is into Satan.
That guy could be a public assassin
and knock somebody off with our gun.
Debbie...
Go get the gun back.
Unfortunately, I can't do that.
I-- I don't know where he went with it.
He stole it, didn't he?
Yes, as a matter of fact, he did.
[GASPING]
Ah, well.
[♪♪♪]
[CAR APPROACHING]
[DOG BARKING]
Skippy?
Hey.
How you doin'? I'm fine.
I think you have something of ours.
What would that be?
What would that be? That would be our gun.
I thought you said you wanted it out of the house.
Oh, Skippy, please.
So I got it out of the house.
You were just trying to help.
The most dangerous thing you can do with a gun is panic about it.
I thought it'd be safer--
Since when are you so concerned
about the safety of me and my wife?
Well, we're neighbors, Gerald.
Okay, why don't you just, uh,
go on in the house and get us our gun, Skip, okay?
You sure you want it back?
Yes.
Holy Christ! What are you doing?
You got it on you? What the hell--?
Take it easy with that, Gerald.
Don't go swinging that around.
I'm not swinging it around, okay?
I don't need you giving me any more
of your safety lessons, you hear me?
I would like to know
why you have my wife's gun in your pants.
We were hoping maybe you had it
under a pile of sweaters or something.
I put six fucking bullets in here.
There had better be six in here now.
[CLICKING]
Skippy.
Yes, sir.
One goddamn bullet is missing.
Yes, sir, I know.
You're not supposed to keep a gun fully loaded.
I'm sorry, you're supposed to keep
the hammer on an empty chamber.
I'm kind of surprised you didn't know that,
you being a gun owner and all, sir.
I took the bullet out for safety reasons.
It hasn't been fired. You can smell it.
Uh, Skippy, where is the sixth bullet?
It's at my place.
Do you want to come in?
Uh, yeah, we do.
No, we don't wanna wake up your mother.
Don't worry about my mother.
Come on.
[♪♪♪]
Here you go. Thanks.
You're welcome.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Who picked out your flooring?
You or-or your mother?
I did. Oh.
Well, we'll be saying good night now. Good night.
Oh, just one more thing.
I think you spun that chamber around when you were outside.
So you might want to check it.
What are you, Smokey the Bear?
You know, I've had about all the super safety tips
I can take from you, you got that?
I could have the cops on your ass in 30 seconds, pal. 911.
Watch your step.
Oh! Gerald!
Oh, my-- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Honey.
Oh, Debbie. Oh, my God.
GERALD: Oh, my God, that hurts! Look!
DEBBIE: Skippy!
GERALD: Debbie, look! DEBBIE: Honey.
GERALD: Look, look! Look!
DEBBIE: I know, I know.
GERALD: Oh, God, this hurts!
DEBBIE: Honey. GERALD: Oh, Debbie.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[CAR APPROACHING]
[RADIO PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
♪ ...on that old white car ♪
♪ Just like you can't hear ♪
♪ Somebody calling out Your name ♪
Oh, is it raining enough for you?
[LAUGHS]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[WHOOPS]
It's a fucking typhoon!
[LAUGHING]
[DOOR OPENS]
[RAIN PATTERING]
[COUGHING] Uh-oh.
Hi, Debbie.
MAN: Is she okay?
[RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING]
Well, she said she's done it before.
I'm sure she has. I'm sure she's fine.
I used to vomit blood in high school all the time,
and I was fine.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well,
she's not vomiting blood.
I know, but it's similar.
You really ought to put the ice in first.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Is there anything I can do?
[SIGHS]
You could give me the gun back.
All right.
No, I mean it, Skippy. That's what I came for.
All right. I mean, I-I know.
I figured the cops must be wondering where it is.
Well, I told the cops that I...
I threw it in one of the dumpsters
behind the sixth green.
And that I couldn't get it back because the dumpsters
were already dumped.
You told them that?
Yes.
Even Gerald believed me.
That was very smart.
Well, it's what I intend to do.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, you feeling better? Yes.
Good.
Hey, watch the counter. I'm gonna go out to your car
and get some entertainment. All right?
Tapes and shit, all right?
All right. All right.
Oh, uh, keys are in my raincoat.
Good. I'll wear it.
Can I ask you a question?
Do you have a head condition or something?
What do you mean?
Well, you fainted.
Well, I've been up all night at the hospital with Gerald.
And I-- I didn't eat and I haven't slept. And...
[SIGHS]
Want me to make you something to eat here?
No, no, I'm fine.
Why? Why not? I can make you some onion rings.
No, I don't like onion rings.
Why? What's wrong? It's a vegetable.
Skippy...
onion rings aren't a vegetable.
I'm sorry, but onions are a vegetable.
[RAIN PATTERING]
[SIGHS] I'm fine with just the Coke.
You're so pretty.
No, I'm not.
You wanna know something?
No.
[GUN FIRES IN DISTANCE]
[LAUGHS]
[♪♪♪]
Are you sure?
[CAR HORN BLARING]
What's that sound?
Is it coming from your car?
[HORN CONTINUES BLARING]
[HORN BLARING]
Oh, shit.
Come on, get me out of here.
Give me those keys.
Somebody shot me.
Shit.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SIGHS]
I don't get it. They left the restaurant
totally unattended?
I don't know. I'm not-- I'm not sure.
What was wrong with the guy in the car?
I don't know. I think maybe he was attacked or something.
You should call the cops.
You think I should?
Of course you should.
I don't know if I want to get Skippy mixed up with the cops.
Debbie. What?
What are you talking about
you don't want to get Skippy mixed up with the cops?
You don't think he's mixed up with the cops as it is?
He probably ripped off our gun for a hit. He probably blew it.
Now there's probably a contract out on him.
Oh. You think so?
What else?
Oh, I should have waited there.
And run the place for him?
I was afraid to stay there. I don't know why.
I don't know why you went there in the first place.
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]
I'm sorry, did you say something?
Wh-what did you say?
I don't know.
I, uh-- I didn't say anything.
Gerald, I need to take a nap or something.
Why? [SIGHS]
I think I'll just go home for an hour.
All right. I'll be back in an hour.
Whatever you want. Maybe I won't take a nap.
Maybe I'll take a quick bath or something.
Fine. Okay.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[SIGHS]
Hi. Hi.
Debbie.
What?
Can I borrow your car? I need a car.
Well, what's wrong with your car?
Nothing's wrong with my car.
The clicker. I can't find the clicker,
the garage door opener.
I-I can't get my car out of the garage.
Skippy.
What?
Did somebody die in your car today?
You mean Chris? Chris isn't dead.
He's not? No.
[SIGHS]
Well, then what happened to him? Wh-what's wrong with him?
He had appendicitis.
Oh, appendicitis.
Yeah.
Skippy, please, just give me the gun back. Right now.
I can't. I have to take my m-mother to the airport.
Your mother? My mother.
Where is she?
She's inside.
I'll go get her.
[KEYS JINGLING]
Hey.
[SCOFFS]
[BOTH CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Hi. Hi.
Oh, um, one thing.
I'm sorry, can you do me one favor?
Can you keep an eye on my place while we're gone?
In case anybody shows up?
Skippy, what the hell's going on here?
My mom's gotta go to Phoenix.
We have a place in Phoenix.
I know you're in some kind of trouble.
Not really.
Your friend didn't have appendicitis.
Debbie, yes, he did.
But right now, I'm more worried about my mother.
I've never even seen her before.
Well, you're not really gonna see a lot of her now,
because we really have to run.
[♪♪♪]
Come on.
All right, hop in. Watch your head.
Skippy, wait.
Look, I told Gerald I'd go right back to the hospital.
Uh-huh?
[ENGINE STARTS] Can I have my purse?
Thank you.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[CAR APPROACHING]
MYRA: According to her, he's very sick.
You can explain that we feel badly about it.
[♪♪♪]
Hi, Irwin.
Are you okay? What's the matter?
Uh...
We just feel like shit, Deb. I, uh...
I don't know how to face you guys.
DEBBIE: What is it?
It's my responsibility that Gerald shot himself.
Well, all right. It's not like he's dead or anything.
You haven't heard.
DEBBIE: Heard what? What haven't I heard?
He's got botulism.
Botulism. You mean like from food?
The egg salad sandwich you brought him.
We were just there.
He's a mess.
He-he-he's a real mess.
I was just with him at 5:00 and he was fine.
He's had an egg salad sandwich every day.
You know what, we're gonna sue their ass, Deb.
It's all my fault.
Look, I'm just gonna call him and make sure that he's okay.
IRWIN: It's too late.
Al shot him up with some kind of crap. He's out.
We tried to call you first but the machine wasn't on.
Debbie.
Yes?
He's not coming home in the morning.
He's not?
Oh, God. Do you wanna kill me?
No. No.
Thank you.
Can you make me a drink?
Would you like one too?
Sure, thanks. If-if you're pouring.
Uh, this may not be the best time, well...
Um...
I don't know.
What?
What is it?
It's about the wedding. My wedding. Um...
What I'm trying to say is
I would like you to be my maid of honor.
M-matron. Matron of honor. Would you be?
I thought, you know, I-I'd like to make you see
that you're like family to me.
In a way. I-I mean.
Everything doesn't have to be about Irwin and Gerald,
does it? You know what I mean?
It could be about you and me too.
I don't really have a family.
Just Irwin and, uh...
Does, um, does this sound weird?
No. No. No. No.
No, I-- I would be honored to be in your wedding.
Really.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Thank you.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Oh, Gerald.
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hi.
Sorry, it's late.
I fell asleep.
Can I stay here?
You, uh... I don't know.
I would be right by the door.
Yeah?
Well...
Okay.
Do you want a blanket or something?
No, thanks.
You go to bed.
Yeah? Yeah, go to bed.
Okay.
Gerald's got botulism.
Botulism? That's pretty bad.
Yes, it is.
Look, I'm a little nervous.
Do you think we could just talk tomorrow?
Okay. Yeah.
Fine.
Don't be scared. Oh, I'm not scared.
I've got your gun, just in case.
You do?
Oh...
Well, okay. Yeah.
You don't have another one, do you?
No, Skippy.
I...
Well, th-this should be fine.
Good.
[SIGHS]
Um, you know, don't worry.
I'm not worried. See you tomorrow.
Okay. All right?
You're really helping me out a lot here.
You okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm great.
All right.
Good night. Good night.
[♪♪♪]
SKIPPY: Hey.
Can I have a glass of water?
Sure.
Do you want some juice?
No, water's fine.
I think I saw someone in your house.
Really?
Could someone have broken in? I mean, it's locked, right?
[♪♪♪]
No, nobody's there.
What? What are you looking at?
I want to get rid of the gun.
But I'm holding it for you.
It's my gun.
I'm sorry. You're right.
Thank you.
You're a fishy guy, aren't you, Skippy?
No, I'm not.
Well, somebody's after you. What are they after?
How do you mean?
It's the gun, right?
Did you shoot somebody?
No, I didn't shoot anybody.
Tell me the truth.
I didn't shoot anybody.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna wrap it in this towel and take it out to a dumpster.
[SIGHS]
Please don't do that. Don't do that.
Just in case.
Don't answer the phone.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi.
Hi, there. Do you remember me?
I'm the one with the car.
I loaned you my car yesterday.
I was wondering if I could come in just for a minute...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Let me tell you the truth, okay?
Can I just tell you the truth?
I'm looking for Skippy.
[SIGHS] Uh...
You see, he, well...
I loaned him 100 bucks and...
[SIGHS] I get--
I get the feeling he doesn't...
He's not gonna give it back.
And I, uh...
You want money.
Yes.
Yes, I-I came for the money.
That's right. You see? A-a mother knows.
I-I can get you the money.
Oh, you would do that?
You wait r-right there.
Okay.
Oh, I'll just... I'll wait right here.
Is this a two-bedroom?
Yes, it is.
Oh, same as me.
I live with my dad.
I have your money right here.
I gotta say, these are very unusual floors
for a place like this.
[CHUCKLES]
I-is it linoleum?
Yes, it is.
Hmm. Must wear well.
It does.
Who picked it out? You or Skippy?
I did.
Oh.
You did. It's-- It's nice.
Can I use your bathroom,
just for a minute? I'll-- I'll be right back.
I think it's the same layout as my place.
Be right back.
[♪♪♪]
Hey! [GASPS]
What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
That's mine.
Okay. Ow.
[WOMAN CHATTERING OVER PA]
Good morning. Can I help you?
I'm bleeding.
Your name?
Bender. Debbie.
Mrs. Dr. Bender?
Yes, that's right.
Hi, Mrs. Bender. I'm Janice Phee.
I'm so glad to meet you.
Oh...
You're in some pain.
Uh, well, I...
cut myself.
Terrific. Hang on.
Okay.
I had to get a tetanus shot.
[GROANS] Yeah, well, it hurt.
Is there blood in the car?
Well, some.
There is.
Look, Debbie,
you should get it down to the cleaner before it sets.
I knew we shouldn't have gotten mocha seats.
Shouldn't have gotten my arm caught
in the fucking garage door, Gerald.
What the hell kind of language is that in front of Al?
[SIGHS] I'm sorry.
So Deb, did the patient here tell you the latest finding?
No, what? What is it? Well, it's good news.
It wasn't the egg salad sandwich
that you brought, after all.
It was another egg salad sandwich.
The one Irwin brought, the one with the anchovies.
It was a bad can. He didn't know.
So you're no longer implicated.
Just kidding.
I tried to call and tell you, but nobody answered.
You-- You don't put the machine on anymore?
The, uh, cannery's been notified. They'll be sued.
I certainly hope no one else ate any.
No one else. What about me?
I-I know you--
What? What? What? Aren't I enough?
Aren't I the one with the bullet hole?
Jeez, think of me sometimes!
Why don't we get out of here?
Didn't you say you want to get to a car wash?
Well, yes, but I thought I'd stay and make sure--
Ah, go ahead. I'm fine here.
You are?
I said I'm fine.
Okay, I'll just come back with some lunch.
I don't believe you, Debbie.
What?
Lunch.
Lunch. Did you say lunch?
You might recall that I have contracted
food poisoning in the past two days,
and I don't have much of an appetite!
Okay.
Let's go.
Tell me how you cut your arm.
I went to your house.
You what?
I rang the doorbell.
You did?
That woman answered. The one you said was your mother.
She is my mother.
She is?
Yeah, but she isn't there. She went to Phoenix.
Oh, no, she was there.
I-- I don't think she was there.
[RADIO PLAYING FAINTLY]
Ma?
Ma?
Hi, sweetie.
Ma, what the hell are you doin' here?
I said hi.
I know, and I said, "What the hell are you doing here?"
I put you on a plane.
Well, I wasn't ready to leave. I got off.
Is this your girlfriend?
Ma, where's Andrew?
Has he been here?
No. No, of course not. No. He's not here.
He-he wouldn't come here.
It's not safe here.
He wouldn't hurt me.
Are you all right? Are you feeling dizzy?
Skippy,
what would I do in Phoenix?
Ma, are you dizzy or not?
I-I think I need some water.
Ma.
What? Just water.
I'll get it.
No, he'll get it. No.
SKIPPY: What are you taking?
You don't trust me.
I don't know.
Well...
you can search my pockets.
Sorry I'm so late.
Relax, Debbie. He's fine. He's sleeping some pills off.
Oh,
I just had this horrible feeling
something else had happened to him.
Hey, hey, hey, relax, calm down. My gosh, he's fine!
In fact, we're springing him.
Now? Tomorrow.
Oh. Oh.
You know, you're the one that looks like shit, Deb.
Irwin!
You don't look that bad, Deb. Don't listen to him.
You do look a little tired, though.
MYRA: You are tired, aren't you?
It's probably just catching up with you.
Hey, look, I'm gonna do you a little favor.
I'm gonna send you home right now, okay?
I mean, he's out cold. We can all go home.
You watch something good on TV tonight.
I don't think I could even-- I can't. I just--
So let's give her something.
DOCTOR: How about that? Would you like that?
Something to slow you down a little? Would that be all right?
I don't know. No, thanks.
No, no, no, not something to knock you out.
I mean something so you can get a little rest.
You've got a big day tomorrow with the man coming home.
[♪♪♪]
It's not like she's sleeping on your sheets.
Just sleeping on top of the blanket.
Sleeping like a baby.
Hey, what's this?
What?
It looks superstitious.
Well...
[CHUCKLES]
Kind of.
Where did you get it?
I bought it.
Do I make you nervous?
[LAUGHING] Yes.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my mom makes you nervous too.
Oh...
Well, you make me more nervous than she does.
Is it 'cause I won't give you back your gun?
Well, that has something to do with it.
Yeah.
What else?
I don't know.
What else?
I don't know.
I thought we were pretty good friends.
Well, I thought so too.
You wanna go back to my place?
I thought somebody was looking for you over there.
Well, I think I feel pretty uncomfortable here.
Hmm...
[PHONE RINGING]
Why don't you get it?
You get it.
Hello?
Just a minute.
Is there a Dan here?
No, there's no Dan here.
Hello.
They hung up.
Hello. How may I help you?
I need a room.
Okay. Smoking?
Sure.
Is this for all of you?
No, it's just for my mother.
Oh,
well, we're glad to have her.
SKIPPY: Jeez, I can never remember the zip code.
07142?
[♪♪♪]
How'd you get so soft?
What did your mama feed you?
[LAUGHING]
Hey.
Do you think the aluminum is better than the wood?
Definitely.
I guess.
Hey, there she is.
Honey!
Well, what do you think, huh?
The old man has arrived.
Old indeed, yes.
DEBBIE: Oh.
GERALD: How am I doing?
DEBBIE: You're doing great.
I'll get the door.
IRWIN: Okay, good job.
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
Hey, there.
Okay.
All right.
You all right? Yeah.
Let me help you.
GERALD: Oh, shit, Debbie, don't!
Jesus.
Don't touch that hand.
I'm sorry.
It's a contusion. I'm afraid I slammed it
against the bed guard this morning.
So stupid of me. It was an accident.
You didn't tell me.
You didn't notice the bruise.
It looks like they had me up on a hook.
Would you like me to get you some ice?
An ice pack, yes, uh...
Where is it, Gerald?
We didn't leave it there, did we?
No, it's got to be in the car.
I threw it in with the flowers.
Okay.
Well...
does it look different?
What?
The house.
No. Why?
What did you do to it?
I-I didn't do anything.
I don't know. You've been away for a while.
I thought maybe it would look different.
No, it looks the same.
In fact, it looks
almost unbearably unchanged.
What?
Look...
I might as well say it now.
I thought about it a lot this week and I...
I think I need a change.
I want to try being apart...
from you.
I guess this comes as a shock.
I thought you were happy.
I had a lot of time to think.
What do you mean?
You've been on antibiotics and sedatives.
What the hell kind of thinking is that?
Ice pack.
Sorry.
IRWIN: Is something wrong?
I told her.
No.
I don't understand. I mean,
are you trying to punish me for something, Gerald?
I'm not trying to punish you, I am simply
trying to deal with me.
I've just had a lot of strange brushes with death.
Are you kidding me?
No. I mean it.
Look...
this whole crazy business with the gun,
with the kid next door.
He's not a kid. He looks like a goddamn kid.
I don't care if he's 50 years old.
How you could create a situation
where he could come into our home
and steal a loaded weapon, it's...
You were here when he took it.
How he even knew that we possessed the weapon,
and where it was kept.
Debbie,
your lack of common discretion is mind-boggling to me.
Gerald--
And worst of all, it's unbearably unsurprising.
That's what really kills me, the unsurprising nature
of the crap you get us into.
I haven't started on the business with the dumpster.
Have any idea how embarrassing it was
for me to have to deal with some cop,
on the subject of a missing gun?
You-you're very lucky that his mother happens to be a patient.
You're leaving me because of the gun?
The gun was merely a catalyst
for a reaction waiting to happen.
You composed that, didn't you, Irwin?
[LAUGHING]
That is good, that's really good.
MYRA: Okay, I'll have a grilled cheese and coffee, please.
DEBBIE: And I'll have the coffee too, and a BLT, please.
Anyway...
I-I just want you to know, Deb, that
this doesn't change a thing for me or for Irwin.
We talked about it.
I mean, you're still planning to come?
Of course.
You still like the dress?
Yeah, it's fine.
Is it? Yeah, I like it.
Oh, I hope so.
Debbie...
I want you to know
that you are welcome to bring someone if you want to.
I mean, like a date.
[CHUCKLES]
Why do you say that?
Um, well, I don't know.
I-- I thought that you might want to.
I mean, you don't have to. It's...
Really.
Hmm, is, uh...
Is Gerald bringing somebody?
Oh, I don't know. I don't-- I don't think so. I'm...
Uh, I think that he is seeing someone.
I-I guess she might be coming.
I couldn't let you just find out when we got there.
Oh, no, no, it's-- It's fine.
It's fine.
So tell me about your new place. How's it coming?
Oh, it's wonderful. I mean,
just setting up our own home,
the two of us, a little family...
Oh, listen to me. I am so insensitive.
What do you mean, insensitive?
Because you're happy? I mean, you're the bride.
Hmm.
I want to know if you'll be allowed to drink
at your own reception.
Not legally.
I hope it turns out to be special enough.
Oh, it will.
I don't know.
Sometimes it just seems kind of ruined without you around.
Oh...
I'm around.
Grilled cheese?
Thank you.
[RADIO PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
Excuse me. Sorry. Miss?
Hi.
Um, you live around here?
I live-- I live right here.
I was wondering if, uh,
do you know your neighbors?
I-I'm looking around for the people who live over here.
Well, I haven't seen anybody over there.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, hey,
thanks.
Okay. Good luck.
Uh, excuse me, miss?
Uh, yeah, hi.
Uh, sorry again.
You know, to tell you the truth about this,
I'm actually family.
Family to...?
These folk, your neighbors.
Oh.
Were they expecting you?
Yes, they were.
Well, why don't you leave a note for them in the mailbox?
You know, that's a super idea.
Do you have a-- A pen?
I-- Yes. I'll just-- I'll go inside
and I'll get one for you.
Fine. That'll be fine.
All right. All right.
[♪♪♪]
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN [ON TV]: ...become instinctive.
His positioning, impeccable.
A mistake or miscalculation
can be truly catastrophic.
Skippy.
What?
I think someone's here.
What are you doing?
[DOOR CLOSES]
What was that?
MAN: Miss?
Miss?
Skippy, what do I do?
Be yourself.
MAN: Hello, it's just me.
Hi,
excuse me, I let myself in.
I can see that.
Yeah, 'cause, you know, I decided
the hell with the note.
I'll just come back later.
Okay.
I wanted to tell you thanks, anyway.
Look at this.
Is this your dress?
Yes.
You must be getting married.
No, no, I'm the maid of honor.
I'm the matron of honor.
But it's all white.
Yes, that's right.
That's what the bride chose, all white for everyone.
No kidding?
Yeah. I mean, no. I mean...
Look, I don't know who you are,
and I think I'd like you to leave now.
You're an intruder.
Holy cow, am I?
You're right. Wow, I'm sorry.
Hey,
I wasn't thinking. I'm on my way.
It's okay.
Hey, I'm on my way. Okay.
That's a beautiful dress you got there.
Thank you.
No problem. Is it a church wedding?
No, a golf club.
A golf club? When's the wedding?
Tomorrow, um, soon.
Super. Enjoy it.
Thank you.
Hey...
bye now.
Oh, my God.
You okay?
Yeah. We've got to get out of here.
All right.
Wait. Did I say too much?
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
You looking for the lady?
SKIPPY: Yeah.
She went down to the pool. Straight ahead, to your right,
and down the stairs.
[MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Skippy.
Andrew's been at the house.
What did he say?
Uh, he didn't see me.
How long you been in here, Mom?
Skippy?
What?
It's no crime to press the barriers of mortality.
Come on, Ma, don't start that.
What's she talking about?
I'm talking about internal and external...
regeneration.
I was married on the plane of eternal life.
It was a landfill, and that guy is a fraud.
You gave him $80,000 in a shoebox full of treasury notes.
And you're still gonna die.
Come on, let's get you out of this thing.
I'm comfortable.
Yeah, I know, but come on.
[GROANS] Come on.
Careful, it's very slippery.
I know.
I know, I know.
I've got your slippers here.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
MAN: Kimmy, it's me.
Kimmy, o-open the door. Let me in.
[KNOCKING] Kimmy.
Kimmy.
[DOOR BURSTS OPEN] [GASPS]
[♪♪♪]
What? It's just the maid. I know.
Just let me look.
All right.
Stay here.
We gotta go.
Right now?
Yeah, right now. We're in a hurry.
Wait a second.
Mom, I think maybe we ought to go out the other way.
[BOTH WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
All right, okay.
[SIRENS WAILING]
Thank you. Not to be disturbed?
Yeah.
Ma?
I think we ought to talk to the cops.
How about breakfast?
What do you want?
Coffee.
Coffee.
OFFICER: This could be a volatile situation.
Just stay here, you'll be fine.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Um, I have to go to a wedding.
Today. Th-this afternoon.
A wedding? Yeah.
I think you're gonna have to miss that.
Oh, I-I can't. I'm-I'm the matron of honor.
The bride is just a kid,
and I'm-- And I'm her only family. I have to go.
Listen--
I have to go. I really have to go.
Okay. Okay.
Where's the wedding?
We'll send someone over with you.
What do you mean?
We'll send a couple of guys, uh,
is it a big wedding, black tie and all?
Oh, just suits.
I'm going too, sir.
That's not a real good idea.
I'm going. I'm going with Skippy.
OFFICER: Okay, look...
Let's just hold on here for a minute, okay?
KIMMY: No, please. He can't leave me.
Don't worry, Miss Hayes.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You know,
my brother had a bunch of your records.
He was a big fan.
Oh.
He's dead now.
I see.
Well, it's white.
It's nice.
Actually, I like it too.
Wow.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I'd like some gloves.
MAN: Okay, yeah.
Ooh, I like these.
What do you think?
Well, it's a wedding.
KIMMY: No, thanks.
Can I show you something else?
Ooh, I like those, though.
Okay, we're down to these two, okay?
Now we got...
I really appreciate what you've been doing for us.
You're quite welcome. Hmm.
I'd like to, uh,
prevent any unnecessary danger.
That's my job.
[CHUCKLES]
I was hoping you'd say that.
SKIPPY: Hey. Hey.
Let's get me a suit.
Yeah.
I wish you hadn't done that.
How you doing?
MYRA: Aunt Belle, this is Debbie. At last.
This is Irwin's aunt Belle.
These are his cousins, the twins.
Glen and Mel.
Nice to meet you.
Hi. Hi.
Hi, I've heard a lot about you.
MYRA: And that's my friend Kelly Jane, over by my stuff.
Kelly Jane works with me.
Debbie, I'm so relieved that you're here.
So am I.
It's not the right dress.
Oh, I know. I know. I'm sorry, Myra.
You didn't like the one that I picked.
It's not that, really. It's just...
I understand.
KELLY JANE: Myra, I don't see it.
MYRA: Oh, you don't?
Um, um, check in my shoe, okay?
Deb, can you help Kelly Jane find that watch I always wear?
Oh, sure. Thanks.
MYRA: Hey, do you guys remember if I was wearing it this morning?
GLEN: I don't know.
Oh, wait. I'm sorry, here it is.
I got it.
She looks wonderful.
[MYRA GIGGLING]
Me? No, I'm a friend of the groom's.
In fact, to tell you the truth, I'm the best man.
Really? Wow! Okay.
So you must know just about everybody here.
Just about.
What's wrong with your foot?
Oh, boy.
Don't ask. I've had just about everything
wrong with me lately but cat scratch fever.
I had that. Cat scratch fever.
You're kidding? Yeah.
MYRA: Are you okay? KELLY JANE: Yes.
MYRA: Should I take the ring off?
MEL: I don't know.
MYRA: But how is he gonna get--
You have to-- Will you wear it for me during--
Or maybe Debbie should during the ceremony.
So...
What do you do?
I'm a radiologist.
Irwin and I are partners.
Irwin?
The groom.
Of course.
How about you?
Well, I'm involved in health also,
but I don't have much patience for traditional medicine.
I believe in total freedom from scientific law.
[LAUGHING] That's ridiculous.
You laughing at me?
I can see that. I know what you're thinking.
You know what I say to that?
I say that I am bringing health and hope
where there was none.
I bet you are.
You have a lot of patients?
It just takes one.
One beautiful star in your sky to make life complete.
Sorry.
Hey. Hi.
You powdered your nose?
I did.
Is this your wife?
No, she's not. Nice talking to you.
Excuse me.
All right.
BARTENDER: What can I get you?
Coke for me.
Uh, make that two.
[GASPS]
Did I scare you? I'm sorry.
No, it's all right. It's all right.
Hey, you look terrific.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God.
What is it?
AL: That's Kimmy Hayes. It's got to be.
DEBBIE: Oh, you know her?
Do I know her? Are you kidding?
I haven't seen her in--
Wow. I mean, I can't believe it.
Do you think Irwin knows Kimmy?
I'll bet you don't even know Kimmy.
She was...
That's my mother, sir.
Skippy, this is--
Kimmy is your mother?
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
This is Skippy. Al Schlyen. Al, Skippy.
You want to meet her?
I would love to.
I got one.
SKIPPY: What? DEBBIE: A gun.
SKIPPY: From where? DEBBIE: For you, I thought...
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Everything okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
MAN: Got some Cokes. SKIPPY: Yeah. Yeah.
See you. See you.
I need you upstairs for the bride, Deb.
Okay. Um...
[BELL RINGS]
WOMAN: Uh, kindly sit down, everyone, please.
Mom, I think we ought to sit down now.
You're right. You're right. Will you join me?
[KIMMY CHUCKLES]
Yes, I-I would like that.
Would you save me a seat?
I-I think I need to visit the powder room.
SKIPPY: I'll take you.
What's going on?
Uh, we're gonna go to the ladies' room.
All right, let me check it out first.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Uh, do you happen to know if this is the,
the bride's side or the groom's side?
I-I think you can sit anywhere you like.
Oh, super.
Thank you.
Go ahead, ma'am.
[PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE]
Hi, how are you?
It's beautiful.
ANDREW: Are you looking for me?
Me? No, I just wanted to save a few seats here,
if you don't mind.
Who are you saving them for? Well...
I noticed you were talking to somebody over there
a few minutes ago.
Is that the person you're planning to sit with?
Well, yes.
[PEOPLE GASPING]
[ALL CLAMORING]
Kimmy, Kimmy, I'm here.
Kimmy!
Oh, shit!
Where is she?
Andrew, don't do this.
I said, where is she?
MYRA: Debbie.
Call your mother.
Go on. Call your mother, son.
So she can see you punished.
You poisonous, selfish child!
Mom, can you come out here, please?
Louder, goddamn it!
Louder!
Put your gun down, mister.
I mean it.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
Up.
I'm sorry, son.
I'm a doctor. She's dead.
Hi, Dr. Schlyen. Ray Benson.
AL: I'm sorry, Ray. I didn't realize it was you.
RAY: No problem, doc.
We'll transport her.
AL: Thank you.
Do you have a car here?
What?
Do you have a car here?
No, I came with the cops.
Take my keys.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE]
How you doin'?
Okay.
You look terrific.
Thank you.
[PLAYING WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS"]
Can I drive?
Thanks.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[♪♪♪]
♪ Once I had my heroes ♪
♪ Once I had some dreams ♪
♪ But all of that is Changed now ♪
♪ It turns things inside out ♪
♪ The truth is not that Comfortable, no ♪
♪ Mother taught us patience ♪
♪ The virtues of restraint ♪
♪ Father taught us Boundaries ♪
♪ Beyond which We must go ♪
♪ To find those secrets Promised us ♪
♪ That's when I reach for my revolver ♪
♪ That's when it all gets Blown away ♪
♪ That's when I reach for My revolver ♪
♪ The spirit fights To find its way ♪
♪ And now the sky is empty ♪
♪ And that is nothing new ♪
♪ Its dead eyes look down On me ♪
♪ And tell me ♪
♪ We're nothing ♪
♪ That's when I reach For my revolver ♪
♪ That's when it all gets Blown away ♪
♪ That's when I reach For my revolver ♪
♪ The spirit fights To find its way ♪