My Man Godfrey (1957) - full transcript

Pull over! That's my goat!

- Sorry. We're in a hurry.
- I want him back!

- Take it easy, Cordelia.
- Keep quiet!

Either you stop or I'll stop you.
We'll all go together.

- She's just trying to scare us.
- Well, she has.

My goat!

Ooh, I'll belt her!

I'll kill her!

- So help me, I'll kill her!
- Cordelia!

- Yeah? Hit me here on the nose!
- Look what you did to my car.

Stop that!



- She's your sister!
- She stole my goat.

- He's getting away!
- Don't let her get that goat.

Cornelia!

- Go after her!
- Who, me?

- Are you afraid of the dark?
- You'll break your neck. Come back here.

Goaty! Here, Billy, Billy.

He's getting away.
Where are you going?

Irene! Irene!

- We'll go that way, Brent. -
Sure. Shall I get a rope?

- Come on, you coward.
- I'm coming, but I'm not gonna look.

Here, goaty.

Billy, Billy, Billy!

Where are you?

Come out of there.



Now, don't!

Please don't. I'm not
gonna hurt you, believe me.

You haven't seen a goat,
have you?

A goat? What goat?

It's a little billy goat,
and it stands about that tall.

No, it wasn't.
It was a nanny goat.

I remember now because...
No, it wasn't.

She had a beard.
Now, how do you explain that?

- I can't.
- Why all the yelling and screaming?

Do I have to have a reason
to yell and scream?

- I'm sorry we bothered you, mister.
- Who's this?

Now we know where she picks up all
those creeps she brings to the house.

- I didn't like that.
- I didn't either.

Ooh! Are you just gonna
stand there and let him knock me down?

Look, are you in the habit
of hitting ladies?

I'm more in the habit of hitting
gentlemen... if I have to.

- You heard him. You're in no danger.
- Help me up, you coward!

- If you'd just kept your mouth shut.
- Oh, shut up!

And you shut up too. As
for you, let me tell you...

I'm getting out of here.
I hope he strangles you!

We can't just let her run around
the neighborhood alone, can we?

That's the most wonderful thing anybody's
ever done for me in my whole life.

- What was?
- The way you flattened Cordelia.

- I never touched her.
- No need for false modesty with me.

I saw the whole thing and thought you
were wonderful, and I thank you very much.

Well, I guess I'd better go
and find my goat.

Just a minute.
Was there really a goat?

Of course there was!
I'll tell you something else.

If Cordelia finds him first,
that means she beats me again.

- Did she beat you before?
- Sure. She did last year.

I would've won the scavenger hunt with
a porcupine, only I was disqualified...

because one of the judges
sat on it.

- What are you looking at me like that for?
- Was he hurt?

No. We sent him back to the zoo.

- Who, the judge?
- Don't you know what a scavenger hunt is?

A scavenger hunt is where everybody
goes out and looks for three things:

Something mineral, something
vegetable and something animal.

They've got to be silly, useless
things nobody wants. I see.

The first one back
with all three wins.

Wins what?

They win the honor of winning.

My mother is famous
for her scavenger hunts.

She has one every year at her charity ball.
We give all the money to charity.

That is, if there's any left. Only there
never is. Now you know the whole setup.

There are one or two... I have the frame
of an old bicycle. That's mineral.

I've got 5,000 yards of dental floss.
That's vegetable.

And I had this goat. That's
animal, you know. Only Cord...

- You wouldn't want to make $10, would you?
- Doing what?

Oh. I'm sorry.
I didn't really mean anything.

That's one of
the biggest problems in my life.

I'm always saying something before I
realize what it is I really want to say.

Then everybody gets mad at me,
and...

I'm sorry. Good night.

Just a minute.

About that animal
that's still missing.

I was thinking that perhaps I
might get by on account of my, uh...

You'd be a smash, only
I couldn't ask you after...

You're not asking me. I'm asking you.

Are you really?

Then in that case, come on!

I beg your pardon.
May I get through please?

I have a monkey. Pardon me, please.
I beg your...

Please. Thank you. Thank you.

I beg your pardon. I'm sorry.
May I get through?

I have something animal! What is it?

A monkey. I don't like monkeys.
Take him away.

They have four hands. You never know
where they're gonna grab you next.

- Please, Vincent. Vincent, come here.
- I'm busy.

Take him anyway. There now.
Take him, Vincent.

Testing! Testing!
How now, brown cow?

- I say, is this microphone on?
- Yes!

I was only asking.

Listen, everybody.
Just a minute.

I should like to answer
a certain society reporter...

who wrote a story about last
year's ball and who said,

"Most of the guests at Mrs.
Bullock's charity affair...

seemed to have been recruited from Mrs.
Bullock's Home for Wayward Girls."

Now, this simply isn't true! We're very
careful where we let our wayward girls go.

Furthermore, hardly any of them
could afford the hundred dollars...

I charge all you people
to come to these things.

After all, if they had that kind of money,
what incentive would they have to be wayward?

Honestly, can't you do
something about my throat?

- I've got to have something.
- Do I have to do everything around here?

Don't leave me with him.
Vincent, come back here!

One Bloody Angelica.

Get a load of the dizzy dame
with the monkey.

I've been gettin' a load of her for 30 years.
That's my wife.

- Look, I'm sorry, old man.
- You're sorry?

How do you think I feel?

Howard, have you seen Cordelia?

- No, I haven't. I thought she was with you.
- Heaven forbid!

I liked your mother's parties the way she used
to have them, with the scavenger hunt last.

She had to change that
because last year...

some of the couples who went out
hunting didn't get back for days!

Come on. Where did they go?

Well, I certainly hope you don't
think I was gonna ask them!

Everybody's dressed.

That's only because it
said so on the invitation.

- Mother!
- Irene, is this your monkey?

No. I wish I knew who he belongs to.
He's trying to pull my zipper.

Who do you belong to?
To whom do you belong?

Who is that? Oh, this...

- What's your name?
- Godfrey.

This is Mr. Godfrey,
and I win the game.

That's mineral, this is
vegetable, and Mr. Godfrey is an...

He's my entry in
the third category.

- Go on the platform where they can see you.
- Oh no, you don't!

People aren't animals!
If that were the case,

everyone here would have
at least one "something"

"animal" before the
hunt even started.

There are a great many animals, madame,
that are almost human... and vice versa.

I've known the difference between people
and animals for a long, long time.

- Mother, there's Charles Darwin.
- Where is he?

He wrote a famous book
about certain specimens.

Of course I've read that.

That doesn't mean I have to agree
with everything the man says.

- Let Godfrey up on the platform!
- We'll put it to a vote.

Attention, please.

How many here think
that we are animals?

Please raise your right hand.

Of course we are! Sure we are.
Sure.

I don't believe we made allowance for that.
Or have we, Vincent?

- How many points are monkeys?
- Ninety.

Then Godfrey must be
at least a hundred.

I expect he must be!

- Announcement!
- Announcement!

Ladies and Gentlemen! Vincent, you do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, as the first
contestant to score 150 points,

the winner of tonight's scavenger
hunt is Miss Irene Bullock.

Congratulations, darling.
Thank you.

You see how you can do things
if you just put your mind to it?

Where's James and the champagne?
I haven't seen James all evening.

- Don't you remember? He quit.
- Yes, of course.

Can you imagine? James left us just because
I asked him to feed Mrs. Bowden's horse.

I don't see why he objected.
We've got plenty of food.

Oh, Godfrey! You must be hungry.

Come with me. Excuse me, please.

I'm sorry.

Is Godfrey your first
or your last name? Both.

Godfrey Godfrey? What's
your middle initial?

- For?
- Uh-huh.

Interesting. You know,

you'll never realize what a
milestone tonight is in my life.

Really?

Oh, yes. To finally beat
Cordelia at something...

after just years and years
of trying.

And don't think I'm going to
forget who I owe it all to.

The more milestones there are
in somebody's life the better.

It just goes to show you that the
more ragged and tattered a man is...

I'm sorry. The more likely he is
to say something you can quote.

Be careful of these toothpicks. Everything
has a toothpick.

Look.

Cordelia, you're too late. It's all over.
Irene won the game.

- Dirty little monster.
- It certainly isn't my fault.

Hi, Cordelia. You know Godfrey.
We won.

- He's my animal.
- Why, you no good cheat!

Why, Cordelia! What a peculiar
way to speak to your sister.

- Why are you so late?
- Ask her. She wrecked my car.

- She did what?
- You took your time getting here tonight.

I've been here five hours.
We had dinner together.

- Don't you remember?
- I thought that was yesterday.

Doesn't anybody care
Irene smashed up my car?

You bet I care!

Another thing. That man
she's with knocked me down.

She had it coming to her.
She called him a creep.

You know what you said you'd do the
next time she was rude to someone.

You bet I remember. I said
... It was you I said that to.

It was not, it was me. I've never
been so humiliated in my life.

You said it was stupid
to go to the opera in

weather like this without
wearing long underwear.

You said that to
me in front of all those people!

If that isn't humiliating, I don't
know what is, especially at a benefit.

You never even sent them a check.
What about my car?

- No, honey. They want money.
- Oh, no.

Um, Mr... Godfrey!

Godfrey! Godfrey!

Hey!

Mr. Godfrey!

Mr. Godfrey!

Just exactly where
do you think you're going?

I was under the impression the game was over
and you'd won. Since my part was concluded...

- But you didn't get your $10.
- Don't bother. That's all right.

It is not all right. I know
you're shocked and disgusted.

And you've never met people like us.
That's it, isn't it?

I had a very selfish reason
for wanting to help you.

Since the venture was mutually
profitable, nobody owes anybody anything.

- Good night.
- Wait a minute!

Here it is... your money.
I knew it had to be somewhere.

It's a twenty.

I don't have change.

That's all right. You can
pay me back some other time.

Soon as I get a job.

Oh! What a perfect butler
you'd make...

with your voice
and your beard and everything.

It's very obvious that
somewhere along the line...

you come from a family that had
at least nice table manners.

- Are you offering me a job?

Didn't you hear mother
say our butler James quit

on account of some
horse that wouldn't eat?

- I don't recall.
- We could only pay you 250 a month.

Two hundred and fifty dollars?
I know that isn't very much.

But there are some months
that are very short.

Take February.
It has only 28 days.

"Course there's Leap Year, but Leap
Year comes only once every four years.

That shouldn't bother you
very much.

It's things like that
that prey on a man's mind.

Not yours. I took psychology
at finishing school.

Ever since then, there's been no stopping
me as far as people are concerned.

For instance,
it's very, very clear to me...

that you're not at all
what you pretend to be.

I haven't pretended to be anything.
You haven't given me a chance.

My guess would be... that you're,
um, a writer of some sort.

You were hanging around under that
bridge gathering background material...

for a book you're writing.

Well?

There's no point in trying
to hide anything from you.

You see? What'd I tell you?

If I am that, why would I be
taking a job as your butler?

You're gonna take it?

Hasn't it occurred that I might
be a dope peddler or a murderer?

Oh, no! You're not the kind of man that
would ever come easily to, Mr. Godfrey.

Anyway, if you really did it, I'm
quite sure they had it coming to them.

- Who?
- Whoever you murdered.

It was just that old lady
I strangled for her money.

We don't have any little old ladies at
our house. You can start in the morning.

What about the rest of your family?
Have they got nothing to say about this?

They'd better not say anything, what
with all I've got on all of them.

We can work out the other details later.
I'll see you in the morning.

- Just a minute.
- Yes? Anything else?

- I'll take that job.
- You already did, didn't you?

Thank you very much. I'll work very
hard to justify your faith in me.

- You will?
- Really I will.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Good night.

- Good morning.
- Hi.

- I'm the new...
- The new butler, what else?

I could be the tax collector,
or the milkman, or...

Not in this house at this hour.

I can set my watch by the new
butler arriving every morn...

Whoo! Somebody hit
the jackpot this time.

Somebody gave me
a clean shave this morning.

You should've seen me last night
when Miss Irene offered me the job.

I do believe that dear girl is
beginning to develop some taste.

- My name's Molly.
- I'm Godfrey.

I've seen places like this in magazines.
I never thought they really existed.

Excuse me. Your license plate is showing.
Hang onto it.

You might get a refund when you
return the suit the same day.

I plan to use it for a quite a while.
Where are my quarters?

Don't be a dreamer. You just barely
need a place to hang your hat.

Our turnover in butlers here is so fast,
I've know 'em to come through that door,

pick up a tray, go through that door, get
fired and keep going through the front door.

Two and a half minutes.

On one's first day, a word of
encouragement is always welcome.

Who's that?

Madame Butterfly. Or as she is referred
to by her friends, "Poor Angelica."

That's the one with the monkey.
Yeah.

Did you catch that? When you
said the one with the monkey,

any normal person would've
screamed, "Monkey! What monkey?"

Me, after 15 years,
I just nod and say yeah.

- Believe me, it frightens ya.
- Why do you stay on?

I like to sleep late. I like
to feel like a lady of leisure.

If there's one thing you can count on in this
house, it's that nobody gets up before noon.

- Not even Mr. Bullock?
- He has breakfast at the office.

He says an hour away from home is an
hour added to his life.

I got the impression last night
that he was comparatively sane.

He is, but they're gettin' him.

Shouldn't
I go and see what she wants?

Not until the third buzz. She's
not actually conscious yet.

She's in a sort of half twilight
stage inhabited by pixies...

and little men playing glockenspiels
marching up and down her chest.

- What does she take?
- Anything that will stomp out the fire...

and put the pixies to rout.

- I think I know just the thing.
- You do, do you?

You don't know anything.

You're about to embark upon something you'll
spend the rest of your life trying to forget.

Give it a little drop of these.

Then maybe a touch of that.

And perhaps...

That's going too far.

Oh, well.

Coming!

Now, you stir it...
and hope for the best.

- Where's her room?
- Second floor. Last one down the right hall.

- And Miss Irene?
- At the head of the stairs to the right.

The old one will get you groggy. The young
ones always deliver the knockout blow.

I don't know any of them
very well, but I do think...

that at least Miss Irene has
what I would call a big heart.

She's got a stray-cat complex.
No offense meant.

That's all right. But have you ever thought
how many stray cats there are in the world?

And how impossible their lives
would be if it weren't for a few...

stray-cat collectors
like this girl?

Whoo!

Is there someone here?

Yes, madame, there is.

Are you friendly?

- One of the most friendly, madame.
- Oh, good.

Ooh. Do you hear that music?

Quite clearly, madame.

You do?

You're the only one
who ever has.

- Some of us are more sensitive than others.
- How very true.

- And how very well you... you put it.
- Don't mention it, madame.

- Have we met before?
- I am the new butler.

Oh, yes. Of course.

We found out that James
absolutely despises horses,

and that's one thing
I won't put up with.

Oh, there you are. What's that?

- Pixie remover.
- Oh, then you see them too.

- We're old friends.
- You mustn't step on them.

I don't like them, but I don't
like to see them stepped on.

I'll be very careful. I wouldn't
hurt them for the world.

- Ooh. What am I supposed to do with this?
- Drink it.

It will bring everything back
into its proper perspective.

- It will? Really?
- Without a doubt.

Oh.

You know, I...

I was enjoying our little talk.

We can only hope there will be
many mornings, and many such talks.

I hope so too.
But I don't even know your name.

I do think it's important that people
should know each other's names.

That is, of course, if
they have pleasant names.

I knew a woman once
named Harry Rogers.

It used to depress me all day
just to think about it.

There! You see? I've thought
about it and I'm all depressed.

If you'd like to scream,
go right ahead.

Mrs. Bullock is the first
woman I've met in years

with whom I felt an
immediate understanding.

And you don't feel as if your
brain's been eaten away a little?

- So far I haven't noticed.
- I think I'd worry if I were you.

- Miss Irene?
- Next cage to the left.

- Any hints on how to handle her?
- There's nothing to it,

if you understand that
early Aztec language she speaks.

Come in.

- Do you work here?
- Yes, miss.

- Who hired you?
- You did, miss.

Godfrey! You shaved it!

- Yes, miss.
- You didn't have any right to do that...

without first
talking it over with me.

I loved that beard.

When in Rome, one must wear
one's face the way Romans do.

Are you a Roman?

No. I'm an Austrian.
Now, eat your breakfast.

Did you have a kangaroo
when you were a little boy?

You must be thinking
of Australia.

You could have one here
if you wanted to.

I'm sure I could. But it wouldn't
be quite the same somehow.

- Would you excuse me?
- No, I don't want to excuse you.

- Sit down.
- Wouldn't it be better if I stood?

No. You'd be uncomfortable
and I'd get uncomfortable.

Then I'd forget what it is
I want to say.

Yes, but butlers don't just walk into
their young mistresses' bedrooms.

Godfrey, mind your language!

- I'm sorry, miss.
- There now. That's better.

Besides, you don't have to worry around
here about what is or what isn't done.

No matter how it may look
to anyone,

we are not what you call the
ordinary, average American family.

That is a point
that needed clearing up.

- Your coat doesn't fit well.
- I had to rent it this morning.

- Take it off and let me see it.
- I beg your pardon?

Take your coat off.

If you insist, miss.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

As soon as I get my hands on some
cash, I'll get you a new outfit.

If you're going to be my protege,
I'm gonna have to dress you better.

- Your protege?
- Sure. Sit down.

Like Vincent is to Mother. She sponsors him,
sees he gets enough to eat and all like that.

Then he doesn't have to work, which gives him
more time to practice, which he never does.

That makes a difference,
you see.

- I see. Now, if you'll excuse me.
- Where're you going?

I have my duties to perform. If someone
were to ring and I didn't answer,

then as you're my sponsor,
it would reflect on you.

That's very true.
Godfrey, your coat.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Godfrey?
- Yes, miss?

If you didn't have a kangaroo when you
were a little boy, what did you have?

Just a parrot. All it ever
said was "Merry Christmas.”

- Aw. What'd he say the rest of the year?
- Nothing.

- Poor Godfrey.
- Thank you, miss.

Good morning, sir.

Haven't I seen you
some place before?

At your party last night, sir.

I'm a little less bearded now.

What were you doing in
my daughter's bedroom?

Serving her breakfast.

- With your coat off?
- Your daughter insisted, sir.

- I'm the new butler.
- New butler! Why...

- Who hired you?
- I did!

He's my protege. If anyone
lays a single hand on him...

- Where have you worked before?
- You don't have to answer.

- Go to your room.
- I will not!

- Mr. Bullock has every right to ask...
- No, he does not!

- Irene!
- He's trying to intimidate you.

- I'm warning you. You come with me.
- Leave him alone.

You have no right to cross-examine
anyone 'cause he once wore a beard.

I hired Godfrey.
I'm responsible for...

Now, then.
Do you have any references?

I've only just arrived in this country
and this is my first situation.

Where're you from?

Don't answer that, either.
Stand on your 5th Amendment.

- He's from Australia. So what?
- She means Austria.

I don't care what she means. If you think I'm
going to take a stranger into this house...

Stranger? You listen to me.

I know I've threatened to do this many times
before, but this time I really mean it.

Either you let Godfrey stay, or I
go straight to the newspapers...

and tell them you got
your start in white slavery.

And the way I'll tell it,
they'll believe me.

Get out of here. Here's
$50 for your trouble.

How dare you offer him money!

Godfrey feels there are many more
important things in life than money.

Believe me, I appreciate very much
what you're trying to do for me,

but I think under the
circumstances, I'd better leave.

- If he goes, I go.
- You bet your life you'll go.

You'll go straight up
to your room this minute!

You've never cared
anything about me anyway.

Cordelia always gets
anything she wants!

But just let me want
one little thing, like...

a butler I can talk to or someone
I can feel at home with, and...

Irene, please.

All right, he can stay!
I must be out of my mind.

Oh, nobody's perfect, Dad.

- Thank you, uh...
- Godfrey, sir.

Thank you, Godfrey sir.

I'm most grateful
for what you did for me.

I told you no one would pick
on you while I'm your sponsor.

And look! Now we've got the
cash for your new outfit.

Good morning, Miss Cordelia.

I know that man!
Well, bully for you!

And remember this.
He's my butler.

You keep your hands
off of him. Understand?

Tomatoes, cucumber,
celery, caviar, on...

Caviar? We must have ordered at least
12 cases of caviar since I came here.

I know. And if there's
one man in the world who

thinks I'm the cutest
thing, it's our grocer.

Which just goes to prove
that old saying:

"If you can't get affection at home,
you may have to go shopping for it."

How much money have you put in the bank
since you started with the Bullocks?

- Not one red cent.
- Now, Molly.

I don't trust banks.

One day I'm going to have to
make an honest woman out of you.

By that I hope you don't only
mean you'll cure my stealing.

I see Cinderella's
stepsister's up and prowling.

- I wonder why she rang for you.
- I have no idea.

- Take this. It's probably what she wants.
- All right.

Oh. You and I could live
for about three months...

on what a silly little thing
like this would cost.

- Together?
- I couldn't afford you, Molly.

Can I help you, madame?

Oh! I was just about to go
out the front door when I...

Do you remember what I
was supposed to do today?

I'm afraid not.

I know it wasn't the psychiatrist.
I saw him yesterday.

He said,
"Just keep on knitting."

Something to do with
the wayward girls?

Of course! Today's the day we're
gonna have them vaccinated.

I beg your pardon, miss. I knocked
twice and I heard no answer.

- Just a minute.
- Yes, miss?

You can hand me my slippers.

Wouldn't it be more proper
if Molly came up to help you?

Is it customary in Europe for a butler to
tell a lady what's proper and what isn't?

In Europe it is customary for a lady to be
attended by a maid rather than a butler.

Well, answer it.

Yes? It's for you, miss.

Of course it is.

The slippers are under the bed.

Hello. Oh, hello, Charlie.

Thank you for the flowers.
They were lovely.

I had a wonderful time too.

- Can't you find them?
- No, miss.

Well, look under here.
Oh, no.

No, darling.
I was talking to a servant.

It's the same
old servant problem.

It's impossible to get anyone of even
the slightest intelligence anymore.

Put them on. I
Laughing ] Oh, darling.

Darling, you're terrible. Of course not.
No.

- I don't make you nervous, do I?
- I'm sorry to say you don't.

Just a moment, darling.

Let me give you a bit of advice.

If you want things to be pleasant
around here, change your attitude.

Thank you, miss.
The point is well taken.

So this is what goes on
while I'm at the cleaners!

If you will excuse me.

I told you to keep
your dirty hands off of him!

If you ever come into my room again, you won't
have enough teeth left for a decent smile!

Oh, I heard that threat.
So, from now on...

I can hardly be blamed for anything
I do to protect my own person.

Oh, shut up!

Lovely

Lovely

You are so lovely

Lovely My lovely as can be

Lovely

Lovely

Heaven "abovely"

You stole my heart
Please set it free

I like that, Vincent.
What's the name of it?

Lovely Oh, Lovely.

Lovely I must say, it
fits it perfectly.

You are so lovely And the
words are so easy to remember.

I think maybe that's why the Star Spangled
Banner never became really popular.

No one could ever remember the words!
There you are, Godfrey.

- Would you fix me a Bloody Angelica, please?
- Very well, madame.

And Godfrey,
easy on the mustard.

- How about the vodka?
- Oh, there you may run amuck.

Please come and fly

away with me.

What do you think of him?

I wouldn't like
to meet him on a dark street.

- He's trained to Kill.
- Congratulations, miss.

Heel, boy! Heel!

Down. Down, Rasputin.

Please tell me why anyone
would want a thing like that?

For protection. I no longer intend
to live in constant terror...

from threats that have
been made upon my life.

From now on, anyone who attacks me
will have Rasputin to deal with.

Mother, you can't
put it off any longer.

That girl has gone off her scooter.
I'm warning you.

You think I'd be afraid of that?

Lay one hand on me
and he'll be at your throat.

Girls, girls! This rug has just
come back from the cleaners.

Play something, Vincent,
the way they do...

to avoid a panic
when the theater's on fire.

Lovely

Lovely.

You are so lovely.

Lovely My lovely as can be

I must say, I think
that's very rude of you.

I'm sorry, Vincent. That
I don't have to stand for!

Well, I... Go home. Go home, you.

They just have no ear
for music, those... Oh.

Hello, dear. Did you have a nice day
at the office? - Hi, Dad.

- I need a drink.
- I'll fix it for you, sir.

I see the whole family's
all together in one ro-room.

I'll take advantage of that and
discuss a few family matters,

- if you don't mind, Vincent.
- Not at all.

You're not going to bring
up sordid business matters.

I certainly am.

I've been going over
last month's bills.

It's bad enough when the government
takes 90% of what I make,

but when my family
spends another 40%...

I don't see why you want to give the
government more than your own family.

- Money, money, money!
- You see? You're upsetting Vincent.

I don't care. I want you all to know
I've been losing a lot of money lately.

- Maybe you just left it in your other suit.
- What other suit?

- That went long ago.
- If things are that low, Dad,

- why don't we try cutting down on the help?
- Oh, no, you don't!

If we all pitched in, I'm sure we
could get along with just Molly.

So help me, I'll sic him on you,
and don't think I won't!

Strange as it may seem, Cordelia's
come up with a concrete suggestion.

Maybe we could get
along with fewer servants.

Alexander, how can you say...

Darling!

You're upsetting Irene.
Oh, darling.

We mustn't try to come
between Irene and Godfrey.

He's the only thing she's shown any affection
for since her spaniel died last summer.

- Are you sick, dear?
- I don't know.

- I just have these awful stabbing pains.
- Oh, baby!

If you don't mind, I've
already seen this performance.

Vincent, play something.

- Play something gay to cheer her up.
- I will not.

- Shall I send for a doctor?
- No. It'll pass.

- I'll just lie here. I'll
- have my dinner in my room.

- Get rid of that animal.
- Oh, no!

Oh, yes! He didn't even have
the decency to let Vincent sing.

Smart dog. He can stay.

- I wonder what he meant by that?
- Oh, Godfrey. Ooh.

Mother, why don't you
and Vincent have dinner?

I'll just lie here for a moment
until I feel better.

- I don't like to leave you alone.
- Godfrey will stay with me.

- Won't you, Godfrey?
- Yes. That's a splendid idea.

Sit down beside her so she
can look at you and touch you.

Vincent, you come with me.
Take heart, darling.

- Godfrey?
- Yes, miss?

- How many are having dinner?
- Just two.

- Vincent and who else?
- Mrs. Bullock.

Lucky I only cooked for 15.
Hey, you're bleeding.

It's only a scratch.

- He went that-a-way.
- How do you know who I'm looking for?

It was tough,
but I finally figured it.

Godfrey?

Godfrey! I need some fresh
towels in my bathroom.

- Young lady, you're in my room.
- Sure. Where else?

It's funny. The first day you
came, you were sitting on my bed.

- Now I'm sitting on yours.
- I will overlook that startling coincidence.

I'm afraid you must leave.

- What do you want that open for?
- I'll put this as delicately as I can.

Hasn't your mother explained to you that
some things are proper and some are not?

No. You have to be wayward to
get any attention from Mother.

- I had nothing as drastic as that in mind.
- Now you're making fun of me.

On the contrary, I'd like to be
serious for a moment. I wish you would.

Miss Irene,
it seems to me...

that you don't have
much of a life of your own.

Haven't there ever been any young
men you've been interested in?

- Don't worry. I've tried that rat race.
- You've tried it?

Sure. I've necked in cars.

I even got engaged
a whole lot for a while.

But it always got
kind of grimy and depressing.

The necking? Why?

We never could find anything
to talk about, just sit there.

Then my father would get worried
that it was gonna fall through,

and he'd offer to set
whoever it was up in business.

And whoever it was
would run like crazy.

Which only gave Cordelia another chance
to be really funny and sarcastic.

I finally said, "Who needs it?"
- Who needs love?

Who needs Cordelia knocking
herself out at my expense?

Miss Irene, if I may, I'd like
to tell you a little story...

about a very sentimental young
lady with a very kind heart...

who helped a man
who was very grateful.

But then she threatened to undo
all the fine work she'd done.

Godfrey, you made up
a story about me.

I didn't make it up. Evidently
you didn't hear the end.

This young lady who'd done all these
nice things was now doing other things...

that might ruin all the nice
things she'd done before.

- Like what?
- Like kissing the butler for one thing.

- And coming into his room for another.
- You don't want me in your room?

I'm your butler, Miss Irene.
I'm not your host.

Well!
Of all the "unhospitality... ".

You beast!

You unfeeling beast!

It looks like goose liver.

Pate de foie. I love it!

I recommend the smoked salmon.
There's a dash of vodka on it.

Thanks. I'll try it.

- Mr. Pepper!
- Yes, Mrs. Bullock?

I don't believe you've met any
of our wayward girls, Mr. Pepper.

I think wayward girls are
everyone's responsibility.

Miss Irene?

Let me introduce you.

His is Betty, and this is
Elizabeth, and that's Lizzie.

No, you're Betty, and that's... It really
doesn't matter. They're all three Elizabeths.

We call them different names
so we won't get confused.

I see.

It's going to take all our support
to get them back onto their feet.

- We'd be delighted to support them.
- I have an opening in my office.

Godfrey? Godfrey!

Watch the girls carefully
whenever they go near the silver.

There you are! I've been
looking all over for you.

Now, Miss Irene?

Thank you. No.

Later perhaps.

Godfrey isn't
buying, so the whole act is lost.

I found out exactly the dress she was
going to wear, and I had it copied.

Then I walked up to their table
and said to the girl...

I considered it an insult to her
that they sold me the same dress.

And that I would take it right off.
She would just have to say the word.

- Did she?
- No, but he did.

- And?
- And so I took it off!

In front of everybody?

Of course. The prince and I
have been close friends since.

That reminds me of the story about the man who
wanted to be invited to a nudist club dinner.

He finally made it. When he
arrived, there were clothes...

piled on the chairs in the hall.

- A poker-faced butler helped our friend...
- That's funny. Excuse me.

- So you know Francesca.
- Who, miss?

Francesca Gray. The ex-Mrs.
Stratton, the former Mrs. Delahaye,

the widowed Mrs. Hendricks, et cetera,
et cetera. The name's not familiar to me.

Come now, Godfrey. You looked like
a cornered rabbit when you saw her.

- Rabbit, miss?
- I just couldn't believe it!

You know Godfrey?

We've known each other
for years.

Forgive me, madame. I didn't recognize you.
You've changed your hair.

I had the great pleasure of working
for Madame Gray and her husband...

many years ago on the
Riviera at Cannes, was it not?

That's right.

- How is your husband, madame?
- Which one?

- Any one.
- What are you doing here?

- But what are you doing here?
- I'm the butler, madame.

The butler? Strange you never
gave Madame Gray as a reference.

- Francesca, are you enjoying yourself?
- Very much.

What do you find amusing
at this party?

Him. Godfrey?

It seems Godfrey
and Francesca are old friends.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

Godfrey's always been very mysterious
about his past. We know nothing about him.

Irene, did you know Godfrey and
Francesca used to be quite close?

I'd hardly say close. Godfrey
was Francesca's butler.

Did you find him satisfactory?

Satisfactory barely
describes the way I found him.

- Why did you let him go?
- Why did you let him go?

- I left on my own account.
- That's right. I just remember.

One day Godfrey came to me and said, "I
trust you have found my work satisfactory."

And that was that.
Wasn't it, Godfrey?

Those may not have been my exact words,
but as you say, that was definitely that.

We've established that was that.
What happened next?

I did what any well-trained
employer would do!

I said, "Godfrey, if you feel that
your wife and five children..."

Need you more than we do,
good luck."

Five children! It
is five, isn't it?

Somewhere about that number.
Would you excuse me?

Why didn't you tell me
you had five children?

I'm sorry, miss.

It's nothing
to make a fuss about.

If that woman in South America can
have five children, why can't Godfrey?

Listen, everybody!
I want to make an announcement.

I want to announce my engagement
'cause I'm gonna get married.

- You're engaged? You're gonna be married?
-Yes, I am.

- To whom?
- You'll find out soon enough.

- Not to Hubert!
- Yes, yes. Where is he?

He's in there. Hubert! Hubert!

- Where's Hubert?
- You're being paged, Hubert.

- Congratulations, old man!
- What are you talking about?

- Your engagement... to Irene.
- My engagement?

- Oh, Hubert, I'm so happy.
- Someone just said I'm engaged to marry you.

- Well, you are! And shut up about it!
- Hubert, my boy!

You're always such a shock
at first. Bless you.

- Cordelia.
- No, Hubert. That's my mother!

- I can hear all right. It's my eyes.
- Godfrey!

Champagne for everyone
on the house.

You don't know, do you, Godfrey?
Irene's got herself engaged to Hubert.

He thinks I look like Cordelia. Play
something appropriate like the Wedding March.

Miss Irene, I wish you all
the happiness in the world.

- When can I see you?
- Tomorrow is my afternoon off.

- Can you meet me around 5:00 at the Sirocco?
- I'll be there.

- Well, go on!
- Here comes the bride

All dressed in white

And that's the groom.

Right by her side.

Here comes the bride All dressed in white.

Your coat, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Hello, darling.

Please forgive me... but it's so hard to
make beds when they're full of people.

Now you know.
There was a time...

when you didn't get out of bed
until 5:00 in the afternoon.

Now I find getting up at the crack of dawn
the most invigorating experience. Waiter.

No, darling. This is my party.

Don't you realize we servants are the
new financial aristocracy of America?

Room and board and $250 a month.

Two French vermouths with a dash
of cassis and soda on the side.

Yes, sir.

- That is right, isn't it?
- They were wonderful memories.

Pleasant things
are hard to forget.

Now, tell me all about yourself.

Are you married again, and how
many times since I saw you?

That's an impertinent question.

Anyway, no one is interested in
my marriages anymore. Not even me.

Now, what about you?

Well, four children
were all right.

But when the fifth one arrived, there were
just too many people in one crowded room.

Come on. There's not
very much to tell.

You know the Bullocks.
They're a little crazy,

but we knew plenty of people in Europe
who were just as crazy as they are.

Actually, I've grown quite fond of the
Bullocks. So you find it only natural...

to make up their beds, shine
their shoes and put out their cat.

Their cat happens to be
a great big bloodhound.

Come on.

Don't change the subject.
Why are you playing the butler?

I'm not sure
I want to tell you that.

I saw Bert McCord in London.

He said the last he heard from you,
you were working on a Danish freighter.

That's true.
I wonder how he found out.

What happened between
you and Bert?

You never wrote, and you
used to be such good friends.

I had a lot of good friends
in London but, you know,

wearing a raincoat and carrying
an umbrella for ten years...

doesn't make you into an Englishman,
even if you do go to Oxford.

When the war started, my father was still
with the Austrian Embassy in London.

Naturally we were given our
walking papers and went home.

I was drafted. I flew bombers.

I might have bombed London. It so
happened I didn't, but I might have done.

Somehow I never felt like
going back there since.

Why didn't you stay in Austria?

There was nothing
to stay there for.

My family and all my friends
just... weren't there anymore.

So, I drifted around Europe for
a while and then I decided...

to burn my bridges and
get a breath of fresh sea air.

And then you got too much
fresh air on your freighter,

and you decided to jump ship
and stay in America.

That's right. I was only joking.

I wasn't. It's true. I did. I jumped ship.
I don't believe it.

I fell in love with
the Statue of Liberty.

Do you realize what will happen to
you when they catch up with you?

You'll be deported. You know that.
It's a chance I'll have to take.

I like it here... very much.
Don't you?

How could I complain?

- Well, here's my luck... added to yours.
- Bless you.

- Will you do me a big favor?
- Sure. Anything at all...

that has no money
connected with it.

Go around the corner, telephone this
place and ask for Francesca Gray.

When you get her on the wire, keep her there.
Francesca Gray?

- What am I supposed to talk about?
- You'll think of something.

Francesca Gray!

- Well, hello, Francesca!
- Hello, Cordelia.

How nice to see you.
I'm not intrud... Well!

I didn't know you were
entertaining our butler.

But I'm not.

He is entertaining me.

Really? I always wondered what
butlers do with their time off.

- Now you know, don't you?
- I hate to intrude on your day off,

but this morning I noticed my green
dress still hanging in the closet.

- Why didn't you get it off to the cleaners?
- Why, Godfrey!

You never had any trouble getting
my dresses off... to the cleaners.

I don't know what
could have come over me.

Telephone call
for Miss Francesca Gray.

- Telephone for you, dear.
- Has to be Elliott.

I could be in the
bottom of the ocean and

Elliott would find me
and put in a call for me.

Elliott? He's got $50 million,
which would be all right...

if he wouldn't always chew his
cigar to a pulp!

Do you mind if I sit down?

I feel on my afternoon off I should have
the privilege of choosing my friends.

I naturally assumed that since you didn't
mind having a drink with your ex-employer...

Madame Gray, besides being my ex-employer,
also happens to be an old friend.

Oh? And which two husbands
were you fitted in between?

- You mind if I tell you something?
- Please do.

As someone you met in a bar
or as your butler?

- Choose your own weapons.
- Thank you.

You fall into that unfortunate category that
I would describe as the Park Avenue brat.

A spoiled child brought up in ease and
luxury, and always given her own way.

As a matter of fact, you really
shouldn't be allowed out in public...

until someone has taught you the basic
rules of good taste and good manners.

You're going to regret this.

- Waiter? - Check please.
- Yes, sir.

- There you are, sir.
- Oh, thank you, sir.

What? Oh, no!

It wasn't Elliott at all.
It was some character.

He wanted me to come and see
his collection of shrunken heads.

Shrunken heads?

- Probably a distant cousin of your employer.
- Thank you, sir.

Did you get rid of her?

She was suddenly taken with an
acute attack of embarrassment...

and had to leave.
- Good. What do we do now?

Let's go somewhere and
spend all of my salary.

Wonderful!

But let's go through the back. I'm
sure Elliott's Rolls Royce is in front.

I don't mind being followed by men,
but Rolls Royces always embarrass me.

- Sounds like love.
- At his age, it's hard to know what it is.

- He hasn't come back yet, has he?
- Not yet.

Would you mind putting
these flowers in his room?

- I can't go in there anymore.
- I can't either.

- Did he kick you out too?
- Yep.

- What does the man want out of life?
- He told me one time.

What? Peace and quiet.

Oh.

Well...

- Is this his shirt?
- Yes.

- Do you always sew his buttons on?
- Sometimes.

He doesn't lose very many.

He's very tidy, isn't he?

Whoa, a drunken young lady
named Lou

Had a "parkhouse" on Pent Avenue

but her willpower was weak
and her yacht sprung a leak.

Da, da,
da, da, da Wouldn't you-o...

No caviar for you
for three days.

Ladies.

You better get some wood
for the living room fireplace.

I should be diluted... deleted.
You should be "de-loaded."

Right. Parkhouse on Pent Avenue

- I think I'd better help him.
- I will too.

Upstairs he's yours,
downstairs he's mine.

I think it's terrible the way
some men treat their families.

There's a story here about a man
who drowned his wife in the bathtub.

Maybe it was the only
way he could get her to take a bath.

Since you have an answer for everything,
tell us, what are we gonna do with you?

Why do you always pick on Vincent?
Pick on someone else.

May I please finish reading
my newspaper?

It isn't Vincent's fault you're
in a bad mood.

- What's the matter, darling?
- You wouldn't understand.

I don't know why
you always say that.

You and Cordelia think just because
I've only been married once...

I don't know anything
about life!

- Godfrey, what's happened to your tails?
- Did you cut them off?

Sorry, madame, I didn't have
time to change. I apologize.

No need to apologize.

That's very becoming to you.
Thank you, madame.

If I may say so, you seem to look
younger every day if I "say may so."

Well, you certainly may!

And thank you very much!

Don't you have anything
to say to me?

- To you, Miss Irene?
- Yes.

As Mr. Vincent's song
so aptly expresses it,

Lovely, lovely You are...

Pardon me.

Oh, isn't he sweet?

If you ask me, he's drunk.

Must a man be drunk just
because he pays us a compliment?

Aren't we ever going to eat
around here again?

You sounded
just like Vincent then!

- Oh, dear.
- What's that?

I hope it wasn't the big yellow vase
with the fawns frolicking on it.

No, madame, it was the green one
with the cupids capering on it.

- Oh.
- Thank you, Godfrey.

One does what one can, sir.

The green one. The one the
Shepperton's gave us last Christmas.

I always meant to thank them for it.
It's too late now.

32 Georgia Street, Elmhurst.
You have that?

And please hurry.

Lovely, lovely

Lovely, lovely

Lovely.

- You're sure you took it off in your room?
- I'm quite sure.

She takes off something
here, something there.

Nobody asked you, young lady.

If you're going to be rude to my daughter,
remove the cigar from your mouth.

We're all upset by this,
Lieutenant.

- Who's that?
- Is he your son?

Listen. I've been blamed
for a lot of things, but...

Who are you?

No relation whatsoever.

No need to suspect Molly.
She's been with us forever.

No, ma'am, it just
seems that way sometimes.

- Who else lives in this house?
- There's Godfrey.

- Who's Godfrey?
- He is the best butler we have ever had!

I'm sure Godfrey didn't take it. Of
course we don't know much about him.

Godfrey wouldn't touch that
bracelet of yours with a fork!

What do you mean you
don't know much about him?

We didn't get him from an employment
agency and he didn't have references.

We've never been able to find out
who he is or where he came from.

You're on the wrong track.

It's silly to think of Godfrey
wearing a diamond bracelet.

Just the same, we'd like to talk to him.
Where is he?

- He's very ill and he's in his room!
- He's loaded.

- I'll show you the way, gentlemen.
- Oh, no!

- Godfrey, get rid of it!
- That's his room.

Throw it out the window. They're after you.
I won't let them get you.

- Come in, everybody.
- Godfrey, I'm terribly sorry.

I don't believe in breaking
into anybody's room.

This is Lieutenant O'Connor and
he wants to ask some questions.

Delighted to meet you.

What do you know about
this diamond bracelet?

- Nothing! He's never even heard of it.
- Nothing.

- I told you. - I told you too.
- What's your name?

His name is Godfrey Godfrey. His middle
initial is "G" which stands for Godfrey too.

- Where're you from?
- Don't answer that.

- I asked you a question. Are you English?
- No, I'm not.

- Are you Canadian?
- Suppose he is? Is that a crime?

Of course not. We have to check up on him.
Where did you work before?

Where did you work before,
the Spanish Inquisition?

Irene, will you keep quiet
and let these men finish?

No, I will not!

- Godfrey, do you mind if we search your room?
- He certainly does mind.

- Don't you dare let them search your room.
- I insist you search my room.

- Why?
- Excuse me.

You don't mind if I go on
looking at the fights, do you?

Go right ahead.

Pardon me, please.

A right to the head. A left to
the midsection and another right.

And a left. And another
right to the midsection.

And left to the head and
a right to the... Ooh!

He never did have a chance.

What do you mean? I had
ten bucks on that boy.

- Have you retired from the force, Grogan?
- No, sir.

Don't be so sure. Now, go on.

Oh, pardon me, sir.

- Well, it's not here.
- Fine, I knew it wouldn't be.

- I'd like to apologize.
- Why don't you look under the mattress?

- It's not there either!
- Of course! That's just the place I'd pick.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

- Nope!
- But it has to be there!

- Why?
- Cordelia, what are you trying to pull?

I'd like to speak to you gentlemen outside.
I'm terribly sorry, Godfrey.

We're all terribly sorry.
Come along, Cordelia.

It's perfectly all right,
madame. It's a pleasure.

I'll be right back. I just want to
see what Dad's gonna do to Cordelia.

Looking under
people's mattresses!

Boys, I want to apologize
for my family.

That's all right. We can
see what you're up against.

I'd like to send you a little
check for your pension fund.

That's very nice.

Don't worry about the butler. We'll
check up on him and let you know. Fine.

Oh, by the way, I had $200 on that
boy who got knocked out tonight.

- What have you got to say?
-Aren't they gonna do anything more about it?

No, and it's a good thing
for you they're not.

There's something
I want to tell you.

If you don't find your bracelet, the
joke's on you because it's not insured.

Ah, poor Cordelia
lost her bracelets.

Do you know I ran into Godfrey and
Francesca having cocktails at the Sirocco?

They were having quite a time.

- That's a lie!
- You call me a liar?

I'll call you anything I please.
You'd better

stay away from me, or
I'll sic that dog on you!

Go on! Just touch me!
He'll tear you to pieces!

Harder.

Why you!

Stop it! Get off of me!

Rasputin!

- Leave him out of this!
- Don't you dare! You shut up!

- Rasputin, will you...
- Oh!

- I'm gonna knock your teeth out.
- No, you're not!

Rasputin, will you do something?

- You stop that!
- I will not! I'll knock your teeth out.

Rasputin, do...

Come in.

- Will you get another glass, Godfrey?
- I beg your pardon, sir?

I want you to have
a drink with me.

- I hope we're still on speaking terms.
- Of course, sir.

Tell me, Godfrey, is
everything all right with you?

Oh, yes, thank you, sir. I had a cold
shower and I feel much better, sir.

No, I didn't mean that.

Those detectives told me they
were going to check up on you.

If there's anything I can do
to help, just let me know.

That's very kind, sir,
but I shall be all right.

Just wanted you to know.

Pull up a chair, sit down.

You've been with us
for quite a while now.

Why do you stay on?
I have to. You don't.

I thought perhaps in some small way
I might make life easier for you all.

You've done that.

I've been sitting here wondering
if Cordelia has any idea...

of the downright viciousness of
what she tried to do tonight.

You see, I've been so
preoccupied with my business...

that the girls were
grown up before I knew it.

I wonder how old that excuse is?

You mustn't blame yourself, sir.

And the funny thing,
or maybe it isn't funny,

is after all the years I've devoted to
my business, I'm gonna lose that too.

Not really, sir?

I'm not telling you anything the
whole country won't know next week.

Surely there must be
something you can do.

If there is,
I haven't thought of it.

How much would it take?
Oh, half a million.

You've been to the banks,
of course?

Most of the time banks won't let you have any
money unless you can prove you don't need it.

Well, I didn't want
to burden you with my problems.

I just wanted to apologize
again for what happened tonight.

Don't let it get you down!
Something'll turn up.

I'm sure it will, sir.

Good night, sir.

Good night, Godfrey.

That is an awful lot of
money you are talking about.

Yes, it's an awful lot.

Do you really think you can get me out
of bed at this hour in the morning...

and make the slightest
sense about anything?

Maybe things would look brighter
if you took those glasses off.

After a sleepless night, men go to the
steam room and women wear dark glasses.

It's not that I can't
get that money for you.

Elliott is on the boards of
more banks than you can name.

But you just have to
approach him the right way.

It wouldn't amount to much, but I'm willing
to put up property I have in Austria.

- Why not throw in your title?
- He's welcome to it.

Darling, there's only one thing
Elliott doesn't have, and that's me.

If my neck wouldn't hurt, I'd turn around
and show you his Rolls Royce following us.

- Well, is he there?
- Yes, right behind us.

Poor darling. He has such
a time keeping up with me.

Driver, please slow down.
I don't want to upset Elliott.

You really have grown very fond
of that family, haven't you?

- Sort of.
- All of them?

Some of them.

I'll see what I can do.

Look, I'm not going to let you
marry somebody just to help me out.

Darling, no one lets a woman marry
anyone, or even talks her into it.

I had made up my mind
weeks ago to marry Elliott.

There is no law which says I
can't do what I want to do...

and also benefit by it.

Of course, I still might sue you for
damages for getting me up at this hour.

That Rolls Royce
definitely cramps my style.

- How am I ever gonna thank you?
- No undying gratitude please.

All right. Stop when you get
around the corner, will you?

I have to go back
and polish the silver.

If you ever want another job,
Elliott has loads of silver.

Thank you,
and not only for that.

Good-bye. Good luck.

Good-bye.

May I be the first to
congratulate you, Mr. Elliott?

- Oh, you're home. Good.
- Something you want, Miss Irene?

No. I just missed you.

- I always miss you when you're not home.
- That's very sweet of you.

I had some things to do today, and
when I got home you weren't here.

What things did you have to do?

Had my toenails lacquered and then I had
to sell Rasputin. Took a terrible loss.

But I didn't really 'cause the man who bought
him didn't know he wouldn't bite anybody.

- Can I help you?
- Oh, please don't.

I like to help you. I wish we
could do everything together.

That would be fine as long as I don't
have to have my toenails lacquered.

Oh, Godfrey, you have a wonderful sense
of humor. I wish I had a sense of humor.

I never can think of anything to
say until everybody's gone home.

Miss Irene... there's
something I want to tell you.

- What?
- First, I want you to know how grateful I am.

- For what?
- For everything you've done for me.

And then there's something that probably
may upset you, but I'm going to tell you.

- What?
- I think it's time I was moving on.

- You're going back to them.
- Back to whom?

- To that wife and children.
- You didn't really believe that, did you?

- Francesca said it.
- She- was just making it up.

- Was she really?
- Absolutely.

Then where are you going?

To Francesca, that's it.
You're in love with Francesca.

I'm not in love with Francesca.
I'm moving on...

because I want
to improve myself.

I am your protege, and you do
want me to improve, don't you?

Yes.

You don't want me to be
just a butler all my life.

I want you to be
anything you wanna be.

When are you leaving?
Probably pretty soon.

I wanted you to be
the first to know because...

well, we've always trusted
each other, haven't we?

Yes, we have.

Well!

If we simply must have kidneys, can't
we put them through the meat grinder...

and make them into some shape
so they wouldn't look so,

- you know, exactly like what they are?
- If you'd like, madame.

I think it's depressing to
eat the insides of animals.

Or are we that hard up?

- Alexander, I asked you a question.
- The answer is yes, we are.

No, thank you.

Look at the poor child.
I don't wonder she doesn't eat.

Don't be surprised
if I never eat again.

I will be surprised. I hope you don't
think I consider that normal behavior.

Maybe her stomach is upset.

Will you leave her alone?
Vincent will eat for both.

You know Vincent has to eat to keep
up his strength for his concert.

He could give a bang-up concert
right now with a knife and fork.

Why do you always
pick on Vincent?

Why don't you
pick on someone else?

Telephone for you, Mr. Bullock.
A Mr. Elliott.

- Who?
- Mr. James P. Elliott.

James P. Elliott?

Yes? Yes, Mr. Elliott.

Oh, no, you're not disturbing me at all.
Uh... you mean that?

Well, no, I just couldn't
believe it that... Well, yes.

Yes, I'll be in your office
at 9:00 tomorrow morning.

Thank you very much.
I... I beg your pardon?

Who?

Why, yes, he's right here. Godfrey,
Mr. Elliott wants to speak to you.

- Sir?
- James. P. Elliott.

- To me, sir?
- That's what he said.

- Could you?
- Thank you.

Yes?

I'm delighted to hear that, sir.
May I wish you all the best.

Oh, that was nothing.
No, really, nothing.

Oh, you're very kind.
I beg your pardon?

That's my first name.

Oh, thank you. And good
luck to you too, James.

Would you like to speak
to Mr. Bullock again?

I'll tell him. Good-bye, Jim.

Wh-What did Jim, uh...
Mr. Elliott want you to tell me?

You were not to worry. The loan is
as good as yours. Oh, excuse me.

He told me you were responsible
for his decision. Is that true?

Only in a very
roundabout way, sir.

I just wanted to repay you for
everything you've done for me.

We've done nothing! Oh, you
accepted me at face value, sir.

- That's a very rare thing.
- Why shouldn't we have accepted you?

You're such a gentleman.
We've learned a lot from you.

- I've learned a lot from you, madame.
- From me?

- From my wife?
- Oh, yes, sir.

From Mrs. Bullock I've learned there's
a great deal of satisfaction...

to be derived
from helping other people.

See, Godfrey has something
nice to say about Vincent.

No, dear. I think he was
referring to your wayward girls.

Oh, them!

Well, it goes to show that Godfrey has
something nice to say about everyone.

That's why we're all so fond
of him, aren't we?

What else have we taught you?

From you, sir, I've learned
patience and sincerity.

Patience?
Why, thank you, Godfrey.

And from you, Miss Cordelia...

Maybe it would be kinder
to skip me.

Oh, no, miss.
I've learned a lot from you.

One thing I probably needed
very badly... humility.

And from you I've also learned
the foolishness of arrogance...

and the folly of dishonesty.

This is yours, isn't it?

Why, it's Cordelia's bracelet!
Oh, you did steal it.

I think perhaps Miss Cordelia
would like to explain.

What is all this?

I put it under
the mattress myself.

Thank you, miss.
I hoped you'd say that.

- Why? Why would you...
- Oh, never mind!

And now, if I may, I'd like
to say a word to Miss Irene.

You don't have to say anything.
I know you're going away.

- You're what?
- I was about to explain...

- You're going away?
- Yes, Miss Cordelia, to Europe.

Oh, no. But this isn't the season for Europe.
Why don't you...

Why don't you wait until summer?
We could all go together.

I can't wait that long, madame.
I have personal reasons.

- But you're coming back.
- I shall try very hard, sir.

Since I shall be leaving
tomorrow morning,

I've taken the liberty
of hiring a replacement.

You're not gonna serve
our last breakfast?

I'm afraid not, madame. I shall
be leaving... before noon.

Now, if I may be excused?

I wish someday somebody
would be as upset when I leave.

Vincent... I'd like to have
a little talk with you.

- Let's take a walk.
- Vincent hasn't finished eating.

I know. Neither have I. But you
don't mind, do you, Vincent?

You know, for some time
I have been...

What's happened?

Alexander, what did you say
to Vincent?

Dear, he left in such a hurry,

I didn't get a chance
to say anything except good-bye.

Oh, Godfrey, would you get my
brown wool dress out of the closet?

I've been to Europe, and I know
how cold it gets in the wintertime,

even at the biggest hotels, let alone
the small ones where we're going to stay.

I even thought of bringing
along an electric blanket,

because those outlets
in Europe have funny holes.

Did you say "we"?

Wouldn't it be a good idea
if we took smaller suitcases...

so we could leave the larger
ones at a central location and...

If you have any idea that
you're going with me...

Oh, no?

I can go anywhere I want
to and with anyone I want to!

Sit down and listen to me.

I will not sit down and
I'm sick of listening to you.

For one moment.

Talk, talk, talk! All I ever
get from you is a lot of talk!

I'm not that stupid. You can't treat me
like a teenager who needs a talking-to.

- I'm grown-up...
- Why don't you act grown-up?

Go on, get mad.
Lose your temper.

- Do you know what's the matter with you?
- Shut up!

Sit down!

Listen to me. It's absolutely
impossible for you to come with me.

That has nothing whatever to do with
whether or not I want you to come with me.

- That's always a handy excuse.
- I'm not trying to make excuses.

I haven't told you before, but the
night you found me I'd jumped ship.

I have nothing. I have no
passport, no visa, nothing.

A very small matter.

We've got a man downtown who gets us
all the passports and visas we need.

He only charges about $5 apiece. I'm
sure he won't charge you any more.

He wouldn't if I was
an American, but I'm not.

Don't you understand? I'm
in this country illegally.

If the immigration people
find out, I shall be deported.

I would never be able
to come back.

I won't let them deport you.
I'll hide you.

- You'll get in trouble.
- I don't mind being in trouble if you are.

Miss Irene, I know
you want to help me.

But you won't let me help you!

Nobody will let me help them because
they say I only make matters worse.

Is that really true?

Sometimes it is, yes.

But I just want so
much to be loved.

That's what everybody wants.

Then why don't people
try to love people more?

Maybe they don't know how
to do that.

I think it's only because
they won't take the time.

They're so busy doing other things...
like Mother and Dad are.

Well, I'm not busy doing anything.
I want to give you all my love.

I wish I could accept it.

I know I'm not
as attractive as Cordelia.

My nose is too small
and I'm too little...

and I know I talk an awful lot.

And I have
a funny kind of a voice.

I think you're
a very wonderful girl.

- Will you do something for me?
- Of course I will.

Will you be quiet now and let
me go and not try to hold me...

and not ask any more questions?

And don't tell anybody
about what we've said.

Good-bye, Miss Irene.

And I wish you
all the happiness.

Good-bye, Godfrey.

I've never
heard of such a thing.

The butler telling the
family he works for...

they have to be dressed and
downstairs for breakfast by 9:00.

And the family doing it!

Godfrey never made us get
up at any particular hour.

It's not going to kill this family to act
like normal, healthy people for a while.

You side with the butler against
your own flesh and blood?

Maybe you'll change your mind when I
tell you for the two days he's been here,

every time I open my mouth
to say any little thing...

Farnsworth turns and looks
at me as if I were crazy.

Farnsworth?

I've decided to have breakfast
in bed tomorrow morning.

And don't come up
until I have buzzed you twice.

There. You see
the way he looked at me?

- Mr. Bullock?
-Yes?

There are two gentlemen to see you.
One of them is that detective.

- Maybe they have news of Vincent!
- If they have,

so help me, I'll never pay
another cent of taxes!

Good.

He turned himself in, and they're
shipping him out on a Dutch freighter.

He was crazy about it here.
Why would he give himself up?

He told the immigration
inspector he shouldn't accept...

the hospitality of our country while
he was breaking one of our laws.

Irene, did you know about this?

Why didn't you say something?

He made me promise. And nothing could
make me break a promise to Godfrey!

Surely there's something
that I could do.

I could vouch for him, guarantee him
a job, or post a bond or something.

Unfortunately, although he
carries an Austrian passport,

he was born in Romania and that quota
has been filled for years ahead.

Thank you, Mr. Bullock.
This was a routine check.

We wanted to account for all
his time while he was here.

That means Godfrey won't
be able to come back.

Oh, I doubt it.

Isn't there a law that if one
should marry an American citizen...

Yes. We had a case of a young
man from Czechoslovakia...

who was trying to get a
non-quota visa. Did he?

Yes. We had suspicions that the
marriage wasn't on the level.

Once they got down to the city
hall and set up housekeeping,

it would be pretty hard
to prove.

Then if Godfrey could find an American
girl who was willing to marry him,

he could return to this country. Sure,
but it's a little late for that, isn't it?

Well, he...

Irene? Irene!

Irene!

Have you seen my daughter?
I don't work here anymore.

- Pull over, lady.
- I've got no time for you now.

- Will you pull over?
- Will you get lost?

Quiet!

The old man wasn't going
to wait much longer.

- This all your luggage, sir?
- That's all, yes.

Take that down to number seven.

Here are his papers. Thank you.

- Well, good luck.
- Thank you for everything.

Sorry everything didn't work out for you,
but we don't make the laws. Good-bye.

- Ready?
- Yes, sir.

Ready?

Godfrey, you come back here.

Where did you think
you were going?

- Godfrey, listen.
- Bye, Irene.

Godfrey, I'm going to marry you.

- Let me see your license.
- Oh, go away.

Godfrey, all you have to do is marry
me and they'll give you one of those...

one of those non-somethings
or other.

Non-quota visa.

- Did you know that?
- Yes.

- Then why are you leaving me?
- Because...

- I want to see your driver's license.
- Will you go away?

Godfrey, don't you want
to marry me?

I do! But I don't want people to say
that I married...

I don't want people to say I married
you so I could stay in America!

I don't care what people say.

I don't care why or how,
but just so long as you do.

I'll come back.

When will you come back? As
soon as I can. I promise.

All right, where's your license?

- And the registration slip.
- What'd I do wrong?

Not much. You went 90 in a 25-mile
zone, the wrong way on a one-way street,

skipped three traffic
signals and hit a mailbox.

I can't see very well.

All right, they're here.
Why'd you let him get away?

What'd you want me to do,
swim after him?

There's a tug goes out and picks
up the harbor pilot from that boat.

- A tugboat, where?
- Pier nine.

Oh, we'd never make it.

I've got a siren. And
this time you follow me.

Come in.

The Captain would like
to have a word with you.

Young man, do you know
your Bible?

The Bible. Uh...

It says, "And if a man entice a maid that
is not betrothed, and lie with her..."

He shall surely endow her
to be his wife."

Exodus, Chapter 22.
Correct me if I'm wrong.

- I'm sure you're right.
- Good heavens, man!

I was young once.
I've had my fling.

You can't get a girl into
trouble, and then run out on her.

You just can't do that! Especially
when she's as pretty as that one.

You mean she's here? The
pilot boat brought her.

- She told you...
- The whole story.

Now, if she weren't an orphan I might
have sent her back to her parents,

but that girl had a tough time.

I started as a cabin boy. I know what
it is to wash dishes for a living.

You look like a decent man, and
she seems to be an honest girl.

I don't think you'll
be making a mistake.

- Where is she now?
- Right outside.

I told her I'd be glad to marry you as
soon as we're out of American waters.

And I'm telling you the champagne's on me.
What do you say?

- Can I speak to her alone?
- Why, of course.

But remember, be nice to her.

She didn't come after you because she
was desperate. She really loves you.

Miss Bullock.

Come inside and shut the door.

Now... what is all this about you
being an orphan and washing dishes...

and anything else
you made up about us?

I didn't make up anything.
It's all true.

You see, Godfrey, when you left, I had to
leave too, so I really am an orphan now.

Remember when I told you if you were in
trouble, I wanted to be in trouble too?

And if you can't find a job,
I don't care.

I'll wash dishes or something.

When did the Captain say we'd
be out of American waters?

About two hours. Do you
think you can wait that long?