My Life So Far (1999) - full transcript
Memoir of the lives of a family growing up on a post World War I British estate headed up by a strong disciplinarian, her daughter, her inventor husband, their ten year old son, and his older sister. Through the household comes a number of suitors hoping to impress the young woman, including an aviator. When the elder woman's son shows up at the estate with his French fiancé, everything gets thrown into turmoil. The young boy takes a sudden interest in her sexual allure and his father is disturbed by his own non-Victorian feelings.
Fraser, resting.
Not so much as a peep.
When I was very little,
the thing I hated most in
all the world was resting.
Resting was really
just a kind of torture
invented for people like
me and my sister Brenda.
Invented for people like
me and my sister Brenda.
It was one of the things
gamma told us to do,
and everybody had to do
everything gamma told them,
even when everybody else
was outside having fun.
Play nicely, children,
not like a tube
of cannibalistic baboons.
And I did my
very famous bad thing.
And I did my
very famous bad thing
'cause I was being made to rest
and it was
a beautiful sunny day.
He's on the roof!
No, child. Fraser is resting.
No, no. He's on the roof!
Ohh.
I suppose he must have climbed
up the drainpipe.
Don't be daft. He's
climbed through the window.
Now, you all stay
calm, children.
Yes, gamma.
Edward, do something.
Crawford! Hurry!
Crawford!
Crawford!
Fraser!
Stop, darling.
Oh, my.
Crawford, get the net
outside under the child.
Good thinking, Edward.
Get the dogs
out from under the net.
They'll be crushed.
Fraser.
Watch yourself, sir.
Edward, get a rope!
My dad didn't want
us to go into our attic,
so he told us that that
was where the devil lurked.
Every since, I've been terrified
of the word "lurked."
He's in the
front, Mr. pettigrew.
Huh?
Yes, but which direction?
Aah!
Aah!
Our house is probably too big,
which is why my mum
kept having babies,
so that we can
keep it filled up.
Fraser!
Fraser!
♪ Fraser ♪
She could have just as easily
been an opera singer.
She auditioned for the
great blanche marchesi,
but then she met my dad
and threw away
her opera career for love.
Fraser!
Please, darling.
Please, darling.
Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff!
Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
The only language
that me and my dad
both really understood was dog.
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
It was our ability
to communicate in dog
that lead him to me on the roof,
and saved my life.
Ruff! Ruff!
I'm 10 now,
and me and my dad don't
talk dog much anymore.
I got the tail end!
And off you go.
My dad is amazing.
He's an inventor and a genius.
Sometimes he combines
his mechanical genius
sometimes he combines
his mechanical genius
with his great love
for Beethoven.
Daddy's coming! Daddy's coming!
Daddy's coming!
Semi-submersible,
vulcanized pantaloons!
A burden to tradesmen
and gentry alike.
So you can find
his sloppy trousers
where farewell to drippy fox!
Daddy, daddy.
After his water triumph,
dad's next ambition
is to conquer the air.
It's 7 years
since my famous bad thing,
It's 7 years
since my famous bad thing,
and I still don't have
any fear of heights.
Ready, Fraser?
Ready, dad!
He says that's
why I'm such help to him
with his flying experiments.
7--
6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
They flew the aeroplane!
It's gorgeous.
Welcome to kiloran.
I'm Edward pettigrew.
Bonjour.
Sorry, hello.
I'm Gabriel chenoux,
the emperor of the air.
I have a problem with my--
I have a problem with my--
My filter.
Do you know about engines?
Oh, perhaps.
Oh, this is amazing.
Oh, let's see
if there's something--
I seem to have landed
in some sort of shangri-la here.
Some hidden world
where angels walk
upon the surface of the earth.
A paradise from whence
no human heart
may leave unscorched.
Ooh!
Well, Mr. chenoux, then...
He just dropped out of the sky,
like daedalus.
Daedalus? Who's daedalus?
Daedalus? Who's daedalus?
Icarus?
Daedalus was the father.
Ahh. I meant icarus.
The one who flew
too close to the sun.
Ahh. That's him.
Except icarus didn't have
a sheepskin flying helmet on,
or goggles, or a big coat.
All he had on was a pair
of golden swimming trunks.
Fraser.
Don't dress language like that.
Swimming trunks.
Anyway, icarus fell
and landed on his head
and burst open and died.
We might well have something.
We might well have something
up our sleeves for you.
You know, even if
I would have found
a place to land,
I would have had
to send somebody
to call away for a motor truck.
Well, we may not
be at the forefront
of aerodynamical
mechanics, Mr. emperor,
but I'm sure my men
can rustle up
an air filter from
available materials.
Wouldn't you say, Jim?
What would that be,
Mr. pettigrew?
Oh, I was just thinking that
what might do the trick in terms
of replacing the air filter
might well be some
of our sphagnum.
Sphagnum?
You are, at this moment,
Mr. emperor, privileged
you are, at this moment,
Mr. emperor, privileged
to be standing in the only
sphagnum moss factory in Europe.
And the biggest.
And the best!
My father invented and patented
the pettigrew power intensifier.
Did he, you say.
Flabbergasting. Flabbergasting.
It fits onto the carburetor.
Mr. emperor,
are you going to let us have
a ride in your aeroplane?
Well, I think it's up
to your father to say.
Ask him.
Dad, can I?
Dad says the view of kiloran
was a sight he would treasure
for the rest of his life.
And that we all
looked like bugs.
But he says I'm far too young
to go up in the plane.
It was seeing kiloran from
up in the emperor's aeroplane
that gave him one
of his best ideas.
It was during the great war
that we first started
mining moss.
It was used for putting
on soldiers' wounds,
because it was 10 times
more absorbent than cotton wool.
So when they were
horribly wounded,
it was our moss that soaked up
their blood and guts
and everything.
That was, by far,
the most effective solution.
We could see it so clearly
from the aeroplane.
We reroute the moss trails
through the hillside
and we save a 3-mile journey
to the pressing plants.
Uh, if you say so,
Mr. pettigrew.
Just lay the charges,
Andrew. You let me worry
just lay the charges,
Andrew. You let me worry
about the logistical planning.
Good lord.
What's that buffoon
doing now, mother?
Let me handle this, Morris.
Edward!
Edward!
I don't think Mrs. macintosh
will be too pleased.
Well, that'll be
the cavalry arrived.
Master Morris there--
Right hard-nosed bugger.
And if I know master Morris,
there'll be no more of this damned
foolish dynamiting nonsense.
He'll no be keen
to see his inheritance
blown to pieces.
Blown to pieces.
I have never,
in all my born days,
witnessed such
irresponsible behavior.
The estate is not yours, Edward,
to go around destroying
and exploding without
so much as "by your leave."
And, besides, you'll
frighten the sheep!
What makes you think it's
yours to blow up, Edward?
Sheer, bloody-minded
vandalism, I should say.
Andrew--
Tell the men to pack up
when they've cleared this.
We'll be doing
no more blasting today.
Right, Mr. pettigrew.
Andrew burns says it was
a very good idea, dad.
Does he? Ah, well.
Uncle Morris has rolled
back into town,
and gamma thinks
uncle Morris knows best,
when it comes to
managing his kiloran...
Even though he lives
500 miles away
and only shows his face
once in a blue moon.
And only shows his face
once in a blue moon.
I know, and he's
a right hard-nosed bugger.
Well, he's a pettigrew.
What's a blue moon, dad?
Grr!
Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
My dad has 2 obsessions--
Beethoven and the Bible.
As usual, every Sunday, we have
to listen to him preach.
Healthy mind and a healthy body.
What is it that we mean
when we speak of a healthy mind?
We mean a direct, manly attitude
towards our faith.
Now I take my text today
from, ah, from the words
of the glorious hymn
by William Blake.
"Bring me my bow
of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!"
"Until we have built
Jerusalem on england's..."
Uncle Morris says
our minister's liver
is going to explode.
But if you're a minister,
you'll go
straight to heaven, won't you?
Dad?
Dad?
When people die
and go to heaven,
does everybody get
a house of their own?
To live in?
Uh-huh.
Hmm. Heaven is like
living in the place
you love best for all eternity.
So it'd be like,
just like staying here,
then, wouldn't it?
It'd be like not dying at all.
Fraser, that's...
Very poetically put,
and it's very apt.
I was thinking something
along those lines myself--
About the nature of home.
Don't forget toash
your hands, now, Finlay.
♪ In pastures green... ♪
♪ In pastures green... ♪
Ahh. Magnificent.
Norwegian pine,
sitka spruce.
What are they, uncle Morris?
Commercial softwoods.
What's a commercial softwood?
It's what your father
should be planting
instead of his damn moss.
Trees.
For the paper
and timber industry.
Not handfuls of sphagnum moss
from out of a filthy bog.
You'll miss Sunday lunch!
Fine.
Fine.
Come on, lunch.
Donald! Finlay! Come on, lunch!
Coming, Mr. macintosh.
I'm coming,
Mr. macintosh, I'm coming!
My uncle Morris had
made his fortune in liverpool
and his home in London
when he wasn't nightclubbing
around Paris and monte Carlo.
He always brings the latest
jazz records with him,
mostly to irritate my father.
One time I heard him tell my dad
that he'd kick us out of kiloran
once he'd inherited it,
that we'd have to live
in the moss factory.
But dad said uncle Morris
was only kidding.
But dad said uncle Morris
was only kidding.
We reckon he's
a good laugh, our uncle Morris.
Who's this? Who's this?
Dun-da la-la la-dun--
Reverend finlayson!
Yes, good.
I caught him drinking
out of the Bible.
Oh? He had a drink out
of the good book, did he?
I have--well, there you are.
Let me just sit here and...
Here, hold this.
Hold this, Finlay.
Gamma doesn't let father smoke
in the house.
My father smokes
wherever he wants.
He used to have to ask my mother
he used to have to ask my mother
but now he doesn't.
Uncle Morris,
do you have to do everything
you're told by gamma
macintosh as well?
Absolutely,
without a shadow of a doubt...
And seek permission
for any new venture.
What new venture?
Well, let's say for instance--
Well, just for an example...
Say I was of a mind
to get married.
If old Mrs. macintosh said no,
would you have to
tell your betrothed
it was all off?
Well, let's just suppose
that my prospective wife
that my prospective wife
was a good deal
younger than I am
and she just happened
to be French.
Is she very beautiful?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes, Finlay.
Is she as beautiful
as my mother?
Oh, you think moira
is beautiful, huh?
My wee sister, beautiful?
'Course I do!
Father says,
"my, my, you're looking
beautiful today.
Fancy slipping upstairs
for a slank, moira?"
A slank? Is that what he says?
I must remember that.
I must remember that.
What?
Slip upstairs for a slank.
What? Why is that funny? What?
Mr. pettigrew says,
"fancy who you slank, missus.
Time for a slank.
Fight for a slank-you."
Slank you, banky,
hanky, slanky!
The accounts are
a shambles, mother.
The income from this
nonsensical moss
business is a pittance.
All dad's investment
in this estate
is just... Dribbling away.
Is just... Dribbling away.
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.
Right!
Boys, 6...
1, 2, 3, 4...
Just look at him.
5, 6. Let's go!
Come on, gird your loins!
You're all bonkers!
Mean, all this
running around naked
and dog behavior.
Oh, there may be
a bit of a fool in Edward,
but he's a kind fool.
Kiloran isn't
a business, Morris--
It's our home.
Your father understood
that better than anyone.
Edward worships moira
and moira adores him.
You're just an old
softie, mother.
Good lord. Stoddard, isn't it?
Hey, Mr. Morris.
Hey, Mr. Morris.
Didn't I dismiss you
last summer?
Eh--
Mr. pettigrew brought
you back, did he?
Typical.
You know, mother,
I think it's time
I sorted this place out.
I mean, it's just bedlam.
Like a zoo!
No, daddy!
Daddy, no!
Whoa!
Consternation only intensifies
the sensation of chop, boys.
I'm clean, daddy, I promise you.
I'm clean, daddy, I promise you.
I'm very, very clean.
Ha-ah-ah! Whoo!
It's not healthy, father.
Dr. gebbie said
I have to tell you.
It could make your heart stop.
I'm gonna run and
hide in the woods.
Fraser! No!
Fraser, come back!
Argh! Argh!
Aah!
That was the first time
that I saw the hairy man.
No one else saw him.
He must have been a figment.
Anyway, I think he was
more frightened than I am.
If you plant a boiler house
and a chimney stack
there, Edward,
you will disfigure
kiloran beyond repair.
And if you put
a chimney there, dear,
the smoke will blow
into the nursery, dear.
It will poison our children.
Aha.
Aha!
The pettigrew draft-resisted,
horizontal, underground
fume extractor.
Brilliant, Mr. pettigrew!
Really, moira, the man was mad!
Whoever heard of a
chimney under the lawn?
Whoever heard of a
chimney under the lawn?
Edward's terribly
practical, mother.
I'm sure it'll work.
What, and this is for insulating
all the new central
heating, right?
That's right, Andrew.
I've never seen anything
like it in my puff.
Anthony, they've decided
to call it asbestos.
Tastes like your
mother's porridge.
Oh.
Do you really have
a fiancee, uncle Morris?
Do I what?
Do you really have
a fiancee, uncle Morris?
Indeed I do, Finlay.
Indeed I do.
Is she a secret?
Well, she was until
this afternoon.
What's her name, uncle Morris?
And where did you meet her?
Her name is heloise...
And I suppose, uh, I
met her on a golf course.
Frog's legs--
That's another one.
Also, snails and slugs.
Ugh! That's unbelievable.
Ugh! That's unbelievable.
That's disgustin' you mean.
It's hardly likely, kiki, that
you would be expected to perform
French cookery for the woman.
Good, plain Scottish fare
will have to do her.
Finest food in the world.
Many a-fancy trimmins...
Or garlic.
I ate garlic once.
I was confined to a bed for nearly
a month with rheumatic pains
and even a little gout.
You went to bed with
a little goat, marnie?
No, dear, not goat.
I was confined to a bed
with a little gout.
I was confined to a bed
with a little gout.
Is it true Mr. Morris met
his fiancee miss golfinter?
In tumbron tale.
Apparently, she was playin'...
In a dance band.
He's a great one
for the dancer now,
master Morris.
Playing what?
Well, apparently, it was
a musical instrument.
Glockenspiel.
She plays the French cello,
and her name is heloise.
Aha! The French
cello, master Fraser?
Aha! The French
cello, master Fraser?
Uncle Morris was having a whiskey
and soda to buck up his spirits
after losing to a dreadful
bogey on the 17th
when this beautiful music
wafted into the room
and went through
to see what it was.
And he saw heloise bowing her
cello in the French trio,
and he said to himself,
there and then,
"that's the girl for
you, Morris, my boy."
And he asked the leader
of the French trio
if the lovely cellist
would play him a solo.
He requested le cygne
by Saint-saens.
He requested le cygne
by Saint-saens.
'Cause he knew it was French,
and he wanted to impress her.
And the very next day he took
her to Robbie burns' cottage
for cream tea,
and asked her if she'd
do him the honor
of becoming his wife.
I think that's so lovely.
So sad, as well.
I think that makes
you want to weep.
What was that again
that Mr. Morris
asked his fiancee to play
for him, master Fraser?
Le cygne, which
means "the swan."
That is so beautiful.
That is so beautiful.
The swan--would that be a song
you would know yourself, Fraser?
Uh-huh. Mumsie has it
on a gramophone recording.
It's this...
Oh, that was beautiful, heloise.
Thank you so much.
I see you're wearing the choker.
I wonder whether
you and I might have
a little talk, mother.
It'd be my pleasure
to conduct you
on a personal tour of the
pettigrew world of moss.
Yeah, I'd like that very much.
That was lovely.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
I adored it. It was lovely.
Uncle Morris?
What, Fraser?
Good luck, uncle Morris.
The moss itself has,
uh, properties which are
one at the same time
both antiseptic and--
The spackling is 10 times more
absorbent than cutting wood.
Ohh.
And, dear, these
women we see here,
they're the cutters
and the bailers.
Afternoon, Mr. pettigrew, sir.
Hey, hey, sir.
Brawn, Bonnie afternoon of it
brawn, Bonnie afternoon of it
we're having anew, my Lassie.
There's an advantage to
have a working knowledge
of the local vernacular.
The cutters and the bailers...
The cutters have the
job cutting the moss.
Uh-huh, and the bailers have--
The bailers have the job
of doing the bailing.
Oh!
A considerable quantity
of, uh, water has to be, uh,
removed from the moss before
it can be, uh, racked and--
For drying! And we make
cigars from the dried moss.
Didn't we, dad?
It is not one
of our better ideas.
Now, this is just
taking some soap
down to the end of the cottage.
Ohh!
Just one of my little bits.
What's this?
Father made it himself.
And what we have here are the...
Little storeroom
shop we have here.
Might be able to have myself
a little, uh, selection...
Might be able to have myself
a little, uh, selection...
Look, there's Jim menries.
Hello!
He's our blacksmith.
He's so strong he can
crack things in half.
Oh, that's very impressive.
Ooh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Is all the moss factory
your father's invention, Fraser?
All of it! Everything.
It's the only moss factory
through the entire continent
of the whole of Europe.
Mmm... He's a very
clever man, your father.
I know.
He's an inventor and a genius.
Mmm...
What a beautiful scent.
It reminds me of when we would
catch ecrevisse in the river
catch ecrevisse in the river
and wrap them in moss
to bring them home...
When I was your age.
What age are you now, miss?
I'm 24...
But don't tell your grandmother.
What are ecrevisse?
Ecrevisse are crayfish!
Ignorant little boy!
Species of miniature,
freshwater lobster.
And very delicious to eat.
And very delicious to eat.
I--I knew that,
father, I meant--
Well, Fraser, I think
you've pestered heloise
with your silly,
irritating prattle
quite long enough
for one afternoon.
I haven't!
You're severely
testing our patience.
Can you not see heloise
is bored stiff?
Now, up to the house.
But, dad--
Up to the house!
I'd... Like you
to accept this...
Small gift, as a souvenir
of my moss factory.
Soap, cologne,
soap, cologne,
and a soothing
unguent of sphagnum.
It's you that's irritating!
And it's you that's pestering!
And it's you that's ignorant!
Ahh, Fraser! How would you like
to be the first
young man to come
and shake your
favorite uncle's hand?
Leave me alone! I hate him!
Fraser!
What's happened?
What's the matter?
The boy is getting
out of control, moira.
His father had better take
a firmer hand with him.
His father had better take
a firmer hand with him.
One tantrum hot on the
heels of another.
Fraser...
Fraser?
Whoo-hoo!
Fraser!
Fraser?
Come talk to mumsie, darling.
Enchanté.
Enchanté.
It's dad's fault
if I'm ignorant,
because he never tells me
about anything useful.
If you ask him why
Beethoven is so wonderful,
he says stuff like...
Beethoven is the sound of
god talking in his sleep.
Beethoven is the sound of
god talking in his sleep.
And if you ask him
why he hates jazz,
he says things like...
Jazz is the sound of the devil,
sniggering at our folly, Fraser.
So you end up
not knowing anything...
Except now I know for sure the
devil doesn't lurk in our attic,
'cause that's where I lurk.
The devil lurks
wherever he wants.
He's like me. He isn't
afraid of heights, either.
I've decided to read all
of grandpa macintosh's books
so that I know more
than my dad does.
Someone has written
inside the cover.
"Dearest Samuel,
"forbidden fruits are
always the sweetest.
"I have many things
I'd like to teach you,
"if only we could find
the opportunity.
"If only we could find
the opportunity.
The very thought arouses me
to lubricious ecstasies."
Probably a golfing friend.
Well, if you're ready,
sir, I'll lead off.
All right?
Mr. macintosh?
We're ready, Andrew. You
just give the word.
Bye-bye!
Bye, mumsie!
Fraser!
I was looking for you.
So...
You enjoy Saint-saens.
Yes, when you played
it, aunt heloise.
Is that the music you played
when uncle Morris became
smitten, aunt heloise?
Listen...
When nobody's around, I want
you to call me simply heloise.
D'accord?
D'accord?
Ok. Um... Do you
know what this is?
It's jazz.
Mmm!
♪ Life can be so sweet ♪
♪ On the sunny side
of the street ♪
Heloise?
I though it was one of the
children misbehaving.
Morris told me you sing.
No! No, not--
Well, not really.
Well, um, a little bit.
Ahh!
I auditioned, uh, but
nothing came of it.
Ahh.
Blanche marchesi thought I
might have a future, but...
Alas, it was not to be.
Oh. Perhaps we could try a duet.
N-no.
Yes, I would, actually.
Oh, on the cello, of course.
You'd, um...
Oh, on the cello, of course.
You'd, um...
Fantastic!
Ok.
♪ Oh, my love ♪
♪ Is like a red, red rose ♪
♪ That's newly sprung in June ♪
♪ Oh, my love ♪
♪ Is like a melody ♪
♪ Is like a melody ♪
♪ That's sweetly
played in tune ♪
♪ As fair art thou ♪
♪ My Bonnie lass ♪
♪ So deep in love am I ♪
♪ And I will love thee ♪
♪ Still, my dear ♪
♪ Till all the seas gang dry ♪
♪ Till all the seas
gang dry, my dear ♪
♪ Till all the seas
gang dry, my dear ♪
♪ Till all the seas gang dry ♪
♪ And I will love thee ♪
♪ Still, my dear ♪
♪ Till all the seas gang dry ♪
Mmm.
Beautiful.
Waist, waist, waist.
Aye, aye, aye.
22. 22, aye.
And the rest, and the rest.
Inside leg, inside leg.
Aye. 21, 21.
Oh, go away! Don't look!
Go away!
All right, boys,
you can put your things on now.
Ah, Scottish men. Hee hee!
Oh, it's gorgeous.
Yeah, that's for your
auntie heloise now, Meg.
Yeah, that's for your
auntie heloise now, Meg.
It used to belong to
my dear husband's mother.
I know. Maurice told me
when he gave it to me.
I think it is the most
beautiful thing.
I wore it on the first
day to please you.
Well, you did please me.
Morris is a very fortunate man.
Mumsie? Yes, love.
Aunt heloise says we
can call her just heloise.
We will call your
aunt heloise auntie,
I think, young madam.
Sorry, gamma.
I've fallen head over
heals with heloise.
I think everybody has.
I think everybody has.
Rhythm and timing!
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
This little unsuspecting fishy
hiding in the weeds,
when suddenly...
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
The hunter strikes!
My dad decided
it's time to learn
the manly art of hunting fish.
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
Fraser, liberate
your brother, will you?
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
This means getting up
before everybody else
and standing in
the freezing cold water.
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
And you have to sing bits of Beethoven
to be in the proper rhythm.
I spend half my time
learning to fish
in ice cold water
and have my time learning things
out of grandpa macintosh's
secret books.
In one of the books,
Greek mythology,
there's a lovely picture
of a lady and a swan,
there's a lovely picture
of a lady and a swan,
which is le cygne in French.
Also another lady
called pasiphae
and her pet bull
which she loved hugely.
Cast!
I found an article about a
thing called prostitution.
I read it 3 times.
It's one of
the most interesting things
I've ever come across.
There aren't just secret books.
There are also secret
engravings hidden in them.
There are also secret
engravings hidden in them.
These are mainly
of Belgian ladies
with all their clothes off,
which is called being
en des habits.
Also in the encyclopedia
of ethics,
it says what to do
if you accidentally
see pictures like these.
What's really great about
learning the manly art of fishing
is that it give you loads
of time to think about
is that it give you loads
of time to think about
what you've read
in the secret library.
And the books
give you loads of things
to think about
while you're fishing.
And that's why my dad
wants me out of the attic--
Because he doesn't
want me to know anything.
It probably suits him
if I'm ignorant
and don't know about
the things he knows about,
like the naked ladies
in grandpa macintosh's library.
Well, now I probably
know more about naked ladies
well, now I probably
know more about naked ladies
than he does.
Come on. Come on, dogget.
So then, if we knocked
that wall down there,
and extend 3 hours that way,
then we'll have room for
the drying machines to--
I love this moss.
So do I.
It's like a perfume.
Morris, of course, hates it.
No, he doesn't--
He does, he wants
to destroy it, all of it.
He has no soul, your fiancé.
He has no--no romance
in his soul.
Edward?
Edward?
So, uh...
Now, do I get the kiss?
Like, what you did with Fraser.
What?
You know, how you rewarded him
for, uh, throwing moss.
Fraser's a child.
And you, Morris'
child bride to be.
And you, Morris'
child bride to be.
Edward...
I don't want this talk.
Edward, I want to go
back to the house now.
You're behaving like a child.
Yes?
I beg your pardon, Mr. Morris,
but Jim's just arrived
from the station
with what looks like
more guests.
Ah, excellent, excellent.
Oh, yes. It's, uh, Hector
and Lillian. Good.
Her name's Lillian, but, uh...
We call her Billie.
Hmm.
I'll just, uh, put these
back in the study.
Why?
Oh, you know how gamma is
about strong drink.
Can't say I disagree myself,
especially with
Mr. finlayson at dinner.
Especially with
Mr. finlayson at dinner.
Why don't just leave
them where they were,
in fact, Edward.
Wouldn't want to
appear inhospitable.
Edward...
This moss business...
What about the moss?
If you're going to manage
this ple properly,
you'll have to come up
with a better scheme.
Something that's more
realistic, less childish.
Something that's more
realistic, less childish.
What's childish about the
sphagnum moss processing factory?
Just look at yourself.
You're a grown man.
You're still walking
around the place
with Hanks of the stuff
hanging off your clothes
and sticking out of your hair.
Oh. Ha ha, look at that.
You can't get away from it.
There'll have to be some
serious changes here.
Some cutbacks and the like.
What are you getting at, Morris?
You're so busy wheeling and
dealing, making your money,
you're so busy wheeling and
dealing, making your money,
that you've forgotten
that we have a family here.
A happy family.
Good morning, wee Fraser.
Hello.
You breeze in here with
your exotic child fiancée,
less than half your age,
less than half your age,
and you throw
your weight around.
Ah, just look at you two!
Morris!
A couple of desperados
up from the big city.
Morris, darling. Hey, Hector.
Welcome back to the pile, chaps.
Heloise, there you are.
Are you all right?
Come, I want you
to meet some friends.
This is Billie, and
Hector, this is heloise.
My exotic child fiancèe.
My exotic child fiancèe.
Listen, you'll never believe
this in a million years!
It's for disemboweling
deer, look!
Shh! What, what, sissie?
One of Mr. Morris' friends is
a woman dressed up as a man.
Cow bell, only his
real name is Billie.
Her name, I mean.
What do you mean, dressed up
as a man called Billie?
Do you mean like, a cowboy,
like Billy the kid?
You mean like fancy dress?
It's like a costume?
No, that's how she's dressed,
no, that's how she's dressed,
as if she was really
a real man in real life.
Probably a lesbian.
Master Fraser, you'll
get skinned alive
for language like that!
They generally come from the
Greek island of lesbos.
And they're called
lesbians for that reason.
Oh, master Fraser!
Language like what, Sarah?
I never said a word!
It's him who should get
his mouth washed out!
Although, I don't think
Billie or Lillian
are traditional Greek names.
There's no chance one
of you young lovelies
there's no chance one
of you young lovelies
might find it in their hearts
to iron these for me, is there?
Crawford saw Jesus on
the lawn this morning.
On the lawn.
Who?
Jesus.
Just right out
there on the lawn.
Jesus Christ.
Didn't you, Crawford?
Uh-huh.
Jesus walked across the loch,
then over the lawn,
towards the house.
Was Jesus, by any chance,
was Jesus, by any chance,
wearing a pair of Edward's
semi-submersible,
vulcanized pantaloons?
I know who you mean.
I've seen him, too.
I saw him down in the moss
factory this morning,
when the lady screamed.
Who screamed?
Fraser, Jesus doesn't
like little boys
who tell wicked fibs.
Sorry, gamma--
No, well, sometimes
Jesus might forgive a fib
if it's to protect a loved
one from harm, Fraser.
If it's to protect a loved
one from harm, Fraser.
No, if you claim to be a
Christian and you tell a lie,
you are a hypocrite
and not a Christian.
You can't do a bad thing
and be a good man.
You can't have it both ways.
Now, who can I help
to a little glass
of this claret?
Minister...
You'll not object to
keeping Morris company
amongst all these
abstemious souls?
Well...
No, there is a wedding
to celebrate.
Well, I really don't like to--
I mean, I really don't
think I should.
On the other hand, um...
Wouldn't like to, uh...
Uh, sissie, you must
tell Mrs. Henderson
her kokaliki soup's a triumph.
I think it might be
cream of asparagus, ma'am.
Your trifle ready for
the cream yet, Sarah?
It says Sherry first, then
whipped cream, Mrs. Henderson.
Oh. Right.
You may fetch some
Sherry from the cellar.
Oh! Right, girls. Vegetables.
Sissie, you're nips
and potatoes.
Aggie, you get
the brussel sprouts.
Come on, come on!
That's the scandal of the thing.
Terrible suffering
of the families--
Oh, god, he's off.
Miners have seen their wages
actually chopped in half.
It's no wonder they threatened
to withdrawal labor.
I believe I hear of talk
that there's to be
a bonspiel at
kiloran this winter.
Hmm.
In honor of the newlyweds.
Who shall blame them?
Who indeed, Mr.
Finlayson, who indeed?
Edward?
Well, if the lord
sees fit to bless us
with 3 inches of deep black ice,
then that's exactly what
we'll be having for David.
What is this "bonspiel," Morris?
Curling. Slippery bowling.
It's the Scottish nation's
greatest gift to the world.
After golf that, is.
After golf that, is.
Ah. It's a game, I see.
Mrs. Henderson, you've
excelled yourself.
It's rarely she manages
anything so good.
So, are dogs allowed in?
To heaven? Yes.
Dogs. Of course.
Perfectly free of
sin in their hearts.
So heaven is full of
people's pets that have died
and gone to wait for them?
The Christian faith is a very
muscular thing, heloise.
The Christian faith is a very
muscular thing, heloise.
It isn't damaged by ridicule.
It's much stronger than--
Temptation...
Than duty?
Than what? What is
it stronger than?
What about stotes?
Quiet, Fraser.
Yes, what about stotes?
I'm sorry to say
that stotes are vermin.
In your eyes. Not in the
eyes of other stotes.
In the eyes of god.
I'll have another
wee spoonful of that,
if you don't mind, sissie!
But why would any god
deliberately create vermin?
But why would any god
deliberately create vermin?
They seemed to be doomed
to eternal damnation
simply for being true
to their own nature.
Because by their nature,
some creatures are
beyond redemption.
Creatures?
How would we
define a "creature"?
Would I qualify as
a creature, perhaps?
A stote is not a creature, miss.
A stote is a wild beast
of woods and fields.
Just like our Fraser.
She's on her fourth helping.
What fourth helping?
The trifle. I can't get over--
No... No more Sherry trifle?
Oh, my god!
It's utter nonsense, Edward.
It's a montalago,
my father wouldn't have
sweet Sherry in his house.
Perhaps heloise and I could perform, Mr.
Finlayson,
perhaps heloise and I could perform, Mr.
Finlayson,
raise some funds for the
families of your poor miners.
What a very Christian idea.
And what will you perform?
A duet, perhaps?
Prostitution!
No, really. It's perfect.
Mumsie and auntie heloise
could be prostitutes,
and they could attend
to our urgent needs
and earn a considerable
fortune for the miners.
And they could service
my dad and uncle Morris
and anybody else
who could afford
their lubricious ministrations.
Fraser.
Go to my study
and wait for me there.
What? Why? What--
What's wrong?
We're all of us prostitutes,
in some manner or other.
That's what my Samuel
used to say in business.
Oh, he's waiting for me!
No, he's-- oh, I miss him!
I miss my Samuel!
Of course.
He's waiting for me!
Come along, gamma.
Come on. Let's go have
a little lie down now,
shall we? There we are.
Oh, he's waiting for me!
There we are.
Oh, I miss my Samuel.
Oh, I miss my Samuel.
He's waiting for me.
It's you that's irritating!
It's you that's pestering!
And it's you that's ignorant!
Oh!
Come on, son!
Fraser!
Fraser!
Where are you?
Fraser!
Fraser!
Where are you?
Fraser, where are you?!
Come on, lad!
Gamma's got better now
her trifle's worn off.
She's very angry with Sarah,
and says she'll have
to let her go.
It was only for the
bloody damn dressing,
Mrs. high and mighty macintosh.
Jesus Christ a mighty,
Mr. pettigrew, look.
Dad dredged the loch.
Dad dredged the loch
for his precious
Beethoven busts.
But he found
something else instead.
The hairy man turned out to be
Andrew burns' cousin Alec,
who'd been shell-shocked
during the great war.
And I've got pneumonia.
Ah!
The house is the
emptiest it ever was.
And it makes me think
of how it's going to be
when uncle Morris throws us
all out onto the streets,
and plants Norwegian
pine and sitka spruce
all over everything.
That's really scary.
Fraser.
I think you have
to wait outside.
But I thought
you were dead, gamma!
But I thought
you were dead, gamma!
Outside, Fraser!
I know you're unwell,
Fraser pettigrew,
I know you're unwell,
Fraser pettigrew,
and having flights of
fantasy due to delirium,
so we won't speak
of this to anyone.
Is that fully and completely
understood, young man?
I'm sorry, gamma.
Gamma? When you die
and give the house
to uncle Morris,
what will happen to us?
Whatever happens, my love,
you'll always be looked after.
Anyway, I'm very far
from dead, you know?
Anyway, I'm very far
from dead, you know?
But I thought you stopped
breathing and died.
I know you did, Fraser.
That's why we don't sneak
into ladies' bedrooms
without knocking first.
But why?
Because, we might stumble
on some dreadful secret
that makes our hair turn white
and haunts us all our lives.
Is that what turned
your hair white, gamma?
No, my love. It was you,
love, that made--
Ah! Oh!--That made
my hair turn white.
Ah! Oh!--That made
my hair turn white.
Now, off you go with sissie.
Oh, master Fraser,
you're on fire!
Sissie, is slanking something
you have to do in secret
because it's wicked?
Shh, Fraser!
If people get caught slanking,
are they in terrible trouble?
Daffy boy.
Slanking.
Sissie?
Uh-huh?
You used to teach me a poem
when you used to bathe us
before we went to bed.
Remember?
I don't know any poems, Fraser.
I don't know any poems, Fraser.
Yes, you do. You taught me one.
Which one?
"When I was going
down the stair,
"I met a man who wasn't there.
"He wasn't there again today--."
"I wish, I wish, he'd go away."
Uh-huh. Who is he?
Who's who?
Who's that man, sissie?
There isn't any man.
I met a man who wasn't
there on the roof.
Tell me who he is,
or I'll splash water
all over you.
Aye, and you'll feel the
back of my hand, young man.
Fraser!
I like sissie.
I like bath time
with sissie even more.
I like bath time
with sissie even more.
In some ways, she's even better
than grandpa macintosh's
pictures.
Now, you stay there
and rest, young man.
I want to help dad and Andrew
fire up the new boiler, mumsie.
Oh, you'll do no such thing!
Now, resting, Fraser.
Oh, dear.
Oh, heaven's above, Edward!
Oh, goodness me!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Now, gamma, gamma, uh...
Moira! What on earth
has that man of yours
gone and done now?
I think the heat must
have cracked the joints
in the pipe, Mr. pettigrew.
Edward pettigrew!
It's fractured
the asbestos lagging.
You've dug your
own grave this time!
Now, out of the draft and
underneath those covers, Fraser.
Damnin' blast!
Uh, you know how
Mrs. macintosh feels
about smoking around
the house, sir.
Fraser! Where on earth
did this come from?
The moss factory.
I think auntie heloise
must have lost it.
...until he's boiled alive
in his own juices!
Moira? What's a matter, love?
Oh, don't be silly, dear!
I'm only wanting
to give him a fright.
Ha ha! Ooh. Ooh!
Rotary screen mach 3 seems a
little bit brighter to me,
don't you think?
So, Fraser, what do you
think of the camera work?
So, Fraser, what do you
think of the camera work?
Ooh, it's very good.
Look, here's
heloise and elspeth.
Yeah.
Oh, there's mumsie.
Wave to mumsie!
Why is jazz horrible, dad?
Contact!
Lack of moral fiber.
Not like Beethoven.
That's exactly right, Fraser.
Contact!
Beethoven is upright and honest,
whereas jazz is sneaky
and treacherous
and effeminate and
just plain foreign.
Have you got it switched on?
Of course I've got
it switched on!
What do you think
I mean by "contact"?
Auntie heloise likes jazz.
Auntie heloise likes jazz.
Yes, well, auntie heloise
is particularly French.
And French ladies don't
understand the first thing
about moral fiber.
How's that, mcpherson?
Good morning, Mr. pettigrew.
Aye, that's an awful big pile
of letters today, is it now?
Something for you, Fraser.
Thank you.
It's smelly. Smells
like auntie heloise.
Don't be ridiculous.
Morning, master Fraser.
So, uh, what seems
to be the problem here?
Thank you, aggie.
Are you cold, mumsie?
Oh, just a wee bit.
Always seem to be these days.
I've run out of fire lashes.
You could fetch them
for me, Fraser, hmm?
Will you pay me?
Will you pay me?
Pay you?
Uh-huh. I want to save
up and buy something.
Here it is.
That's what you came up for!
I thought you missed me.
Ooh, my goodness.
It's just the right
size for my room.
That's a lot of fire lashes.
You better get
started, young man.
Penny a dozen.
Heloise, voice-over:
"Dear Edward,
"all I want is to
be your sister-in-law
"and your friend.
"Please let us forget
what happened...
"And what didn't happen.
No one need ever know.
With best wishes."
With best wishes."
Something's troubling him.
He's not himself.
What do you think it is, Andrew?
Oh, what is about
the estate, I expect,
about your uncle Morris and
the changes he'll make.
The future, the family,
all the things
a father worries about.
Sometimes children
worry as well, though.
And what do they
worry about, Fraser?
Do you think there's
something evil about jazz?
Are we having
a debate here, Fraser?
Are we having
a debate here, Fraser?
A socratic dialogue, Andrew.
It's how you find out
about the world.
How it works.
I'll tell you how it works.
In the heart of this world,
there's a molten core.
Thousand of degrees
fahrenheit of boiling magma.
Do you know what magma is?
Well, it's like lava,
only thicker.
And the firmness
of the boiling heart
moves the continents around
on the surface of the earth,
and the continents
crunch into one another
and the continents
crunch into one another
to make the mountains.
I thought--didn't god
make the mountains?
In the first place?
Uh-huh.
Aye, well, there's some
argument about that.
Have you carved out
your lantern yet, Fraser?
For Halloween?
Aye, Cassie and Donald
have done theirs.
You'll get your shoes
back for the walk home,
if you're good.
Halloween is
a time of great evil,
when terrible crimes
and atrocities happen.
When terrible crimes
and atrocities happen.
Like, for instance,
a gay Gordon's.
We're going to start
with a gay Gordon's.
Now, since some of you
probably aren't familiar
with a gay Gordon's,
then Fraser pettigrew
and Cassie burns will lead
us through all very slowly.
Fraser.
Mumsie!
Fraser.
Come on, everybody up, come on!
Come on, everybody up, come on!
All together, now.
All the boys and girls.
That's it.
That's it!
I warned you, Fraser pettigrew!
Warned what?
That's it!
What? That's it!
What? That's it!
Edward! Do something!
Stop this nonsense!
Stop!
Stop it, Finlay! Finlay!
All right!
All right!
Off, off!
Ah, break it up!
Fraser, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
He's touching my sister.
He's feeling her ass.
He's feeling my sister's ass
and her titties as well.
That's enough!
That's enough!
I wasn't touching anybody!
I was just doing
the gay Gordon's.
I've had lessons!
That's enough!
He told me to look after her
and see me if he touches her--
Aah!
I wasn't touching anybody, I was
just doing the gay Gordon's!
The encyclopedia of ethics
also said that Halloween
needed a human sacrifice
to be any good.
Thank yourselves lucky I don't
thrash you both with my cane.
Now, grow up and go and apologize to Mrs.
Macintosh.
This year it's me and Donald.
So that makes us friends,
and Donald is taking me
and Donald is taking me
to see something really amazing.
Come on, you!
Steady. Come on now, come on.
What are they doing?
Are they gonna have a fight?
It's a bulling.
They're gonna
give it a servicing.
Now, steady.
Wow!
There we are.
The encyclopedia says
dancing with girls
is one of the pleasures
of the flesh,
but I didn't enjoy dancing
the gay Gordon's.
I read about something
called an orgy,
and about harems.
And about harems.
Then I fell asleep
and dreamt about auntie heloise.
So, uh, when you wake up
after one of these
dreams, Fraser--
Uh-huh?
And, the, uh, the bed's wet--
I hardly ever--
It was a very nice dream
that you were having.
I hardly ever wet
the bed anymore, father!
I know. I haven't
since I was very--
No, I know, I know,
Fraser, but, if, um,
when, uh, in the future...
You feel something well
up from deep within you,
you feel something well
up from deep within you,
and the core
of your very being--
Like magma!
Uh-huh.
What's magma?
It's...
It's like lava, only thicker.
Well, probably.
But, uh, when you've had
a very nice dream--
I have nice dreams, as well.
Precisely.
I dreamt about auntie
heloise playing jazz.
It was the first
dream I've ever had
that had music in it.
Dear god.
Well, next time you
hear music in a dream,
well, next time you
hear music in a dream,
as soon as you've waken
up in the morning,
you must run down
to the loch with me
and have a cold plunge, huh?
Mens sana in corpore sano,
healthy mind and
a healthy body--
Healthy body, I know.
Yes. Well.
Well, that's all
cleared up, then.
So, Fraser, is there anything
you'd like to ask me about?
What's an... Orgy, father?
What's an... Orgy, father?
Uh-huh.
And, uh...
And a fellatio.
Is it like a trombone the
angels blow into in heaven?
Uh...
Well, they're, um...
They're both, I believe, Fraser,
what we call temptations
of the flesh.
I know that, but what are they?
What are what?
Temptations of the flesh.
What are they?
What are they?
What are they?
Uh, what are they?
Well, uh, I'll tell
you what they are.
They're to be resisted
at all costs.
Gamma?
Mmm-hmm?
Did gods in ancient Greece
turn themselves
into animals, really?
Well, what do you mean
by "really," Fraser?
Did they actually do it?
Well, sometimes they
actually did it, in legend.
Well, sometimes they
actually did it, in legend.
Why didn't Jesus ever turn
himself into an animal, gamma?
Well, turning oneself
into an animal
isn't very Christian, Fraser.
I think, if I was Jesus, though,
I would have liked
to turn myself
into a swan or a bull.
I think that is quite enough
about "if you were
Jesus," young man.
I always wanted
to be a polar bear.
I always wanted
to be a polar bear.
Get by the fire, yes, ma'am.
Hello, how are you?
Oh, oh, mommy. Ooh, mommy.
Fraser!
Mumsie, they're here!
Uncle Morris and auntie heloise!
Fraser, my favorite
nephew! Come!
Give a kiss to your
old auntie heloise.
Mumsie! Mother!
Auntie heloise and uncle Morris!
Auntie heloise and uncle Morris!
They've arrived
for the bonspiel!
Heloise?
Yes?
Happy?
Yes. Very.
I hope you are.
Those...
Are the ales of craigs, Fraser.
Are the ales of craigs, Fraser.
Ha ha. Your grandfather's
favorite stones.
Aye.
I used to Polish them
personally for him.
They're the best ones.
Real beauties.
Why are they the best, tom?
A very dense granite
and a very fine grain.
That means the stone
has massive momentum,
if you have the muscle
on you to get them moving.
If you have the muscle
on you to get them moving.
Here.
Look at this.
Plutonic igneous granite.
What does plutonic mean?
Pluto was the god of darkness.
A black prince of Hades.
These stones are
from magma, Fraser.
Forged in the very
bowels of hell.
Speaking geologically,
of course.
Wow!
The bonspiel is when
all the curling teams
from all around
play in a huge contest.
I want a side bet
for the miners.
10 guineas on this one,
10 guineas on you, boy.
Ladies and gentlem!
Today, for the first time ever,
we are competing for the
macintosh challenge trophy.
We are competing for the
macintosh challenge trophy.
Curling was my Samuel's passion.
A game that could
be shared by all.
I dedicate this bonspiel
to my dear, departed husband,
Samuel macintosh.
On my signal, let the
roaring game begin!
Hooray!
Luck of the devil!
Well done, those sweeps.
The best noise in all the world!
As good as jazz.
Are you winning, uncle Crawford?
No, in a word, Fraser,
we're being thrashed.
No, in a word, Fraser,
we're being thrashed.
Andrew's team is just limbering
up against us, Fraser.
I fancy they'll
be lifting the cup
by the end of the day.
Not a chance. These miner
boys are unstoppable.
Nonsense. You want to bet?
Edward, I'm a millionaire.
What are you going to bet me?
And what is that
supposed to mean?
It means, what do you have
that I might want
to take from you
in a bet?
What do I have, Morris?
What do I have?
This.
Sorry? What?
This--this place--
This estate--
This--this place--
This estate--
Kiloran, the moss factory,
is what I have.
And I'll bet you everything.
Andrew's team will
take the bonspiel.
Everything.
All right, skip!
What makes you think it's
yours to bet, Edward?
Sweep, sweep!
What about you, hmm?
How do you mean?
What would you put up
in return, eh, Morris?
What's the millionaire got
what's the millionaire got
that he couldn't bare to lose?
What means more than anything,
all his money?
Business, his 2 homes?
What means more
to you than anything else?
I suppose you're referring
to my wife, hmm?
And what makes you think
she's yours to bet, Morris?
Crack down, Jim menries!
Crack down, Jim menries!
Crack down, Jim menries!
Crack down!
Crack down, Jim menries!
Come on, come on!
Come on! Do it!
What the hell was that?
Stone's cracked, Anderson.
Handle's loose.
The stone's rubbish, I'm afraid.
I'll get the stone, Andrew.
Ah, come on, Andrew!
Hey, Andrew!
The emperor.
The emperor of the air!
The emperor is coming!
Mumsie, Mr. chenoux's coming!
The emperor
has come back to see us,
although I suspect
he's really come back
to see elspeth.
Mr. chenoux, can I have a ride
in your aeroplane, please?
No, no, Fraser, you're
a wee bit too young.
Mr. chenoux, I'd like
you to meet heloise.
Heloise, this is Mr. chenoux.
Morris macintosh.
How are you? Hi, how are you?
I'd like to present my mother.
Hot pots ready!
Hot pots ready!
Hot pots ready.
She moves with
remarkable elegance,
don't you think, Fraser?
Don't you think, Fraser?
Auntie heloise?
No, not your auntie!
Your sister, elspeth.
Like a swan.
Elspeth?
Yeah.
Whoa!
Oh, whoa, oh!
I think the emperor
wants to dance with elspeth
because all that's on
his mind is slanking.
He's French.
Oh, pleasure to have
you in my arms.
Anyway, who
wants to slank elspeth?
Gamma? Please?
What's a matter now, Fraser?
Can Jim menries play
with grandfather's stones
if we make it to the final?
The ales of craigs.
Can Jim and Andrew have--
No, I don't think so, Fraser.
That's not appropriate.
But, uncle Morris,
gamma says it's a game
that can be shared by everyone.
Yes, well, never mind
about that, Fraser.
I said no. Now, go on.
Run along, eat your stew.
Thank you, mother.
We better get back.
Thank you, mother.
We better get back.
Gamma!
Get her out!
I never got to fly
with the emperor of the air.
And gamma died a few weeks
later from pneumonia.
And gamma died a few weeks
later from pneumonia.
It's time to go now, angel.
Come on.
Come on.
Gamma!
It wasn't just gamma
that died that day.
Kiloran would never be the same.
She was kiloran,
and the world we'd always known
quietly slipped away with her.
Our dear lord surely
knew what he was doing.
Our dear lord surely
knew what he was doing
when he made it
so easy for the ladies
to have a good cry.
Moira.
Dear moira...
Jesus came for gamma.
In her will, gamma said
to give the estate
to us, not uncle Morris.
And if only uncle Crawford
would stop going
on about Jesus...
Jesus held her hand.
No, he did not!
No, he did not!
Did not what, Fraser?
Jesus. That's a wicked fib!
You're only making it up to
make mumsie feel better.
But you're not,
you're making her feel worse!
Fraser, that's quite enough.
You don't speak to a
grown-up like that.
Edward, the child is upset.
He's only trying to--
I'll thank you not to
interfere, heloise.
Don't listen
to your father, Fraser.
Leave the bloody child alone
when I'm talking to him, woman.
Don't you dare use that
tone of voice with my wife!
Enough! This is my damned home,
and I'll be damned
if I let you 3
wait around here any longer!
I think we should leave now.
My mother never saw
through you, pettigrew.
I do, though.
You're a shabby little lothario.
You're a--you're a joke!
You're not fit to run
my mother's estate!
My estate, Morris.
My estate.
Is this really what
you want, Morris?
More than anything, hmm?
Except, you see,
I've already won it!
I'm not talking about the
estate, either, Morris.
I won the bet months ago.
You!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
A silly bet.
Do you think I don't know?
About you and her?
I suppose you've
had your hands on her.
Do you think I am blind?
That I am a fool?
Do you think I don't
know that you want her?
Her instead of me!
Instead of us.
Instead of us.
Edward, please.
Edward, you must listen to me.
Understand me, Edward.
This is our home.
Morris is gone.
Morris is gone.
I only want you.
You must work out
what it is you want.
I didn't mean to cause
all that trouble.
I know you didn't.
Elspeth, is dad going to stay
with mumsie and the rest of us?
I don't know, Fraser.
What did mumsie mean
when she said
dad had his hands
on auntie heloise?
Had carnal knowledge of her.
Like in the Bible.
Isn't that a dreadful sin?
I don't know. Is it?
Elspeth, is it like a slike?
Elspeth, is it like a slike?
No.
That's something you do
with somebody you love.
Did you do it with the
emperor of the air?
That's not any
of your business, Fraser.
Heloise got it for you.
She brought it from Paris.
She thought it was
something you might enjoy.
Louis Armstrong!
I've been a child.
It wasn't just Morris.
I'm so sorry.
The next few months
weren't easy for any of us,
but dad worked hard and
mumsie finally forgave him.
But dad worked hard and
mumsie finally forgave him.
And bit by bit, dad remembered
the knack of making
mumsie laugh.
That was a great sermon
this morning.
He mentioned adultery,
sins of the flesh,
sins of the heart.
Where's Fraser?
I thought he was with you.
I'll go and fetch him.
Quick, or we'll
miss the service.
Where is he going?
Look for Fraser.
Look for Fraser.
Ahh.
Louis Armstrong, on record: ♪ on
the sunny side of the street ♪
♪ Can't you hear
that pitter-pat, babe ♪
♪ And that happy tune
is your step ♪
♪ Life can be so sweet ♪
♪ On the sunny side
of the street ♪
♪ I used to walk in the shade ♪
♪ I used to walk in the shade ♪
♪ With those blues on parade ♪
♪ But I'm not afraid, baby ♪
♪ My rover crossed over ♪
♪ If I never had a cent, babe ♪
♪ I'd be rich as rockefeller ♪
♪ With gold dust at my feet ♪
♪ With gold dust at my feet ♪
♪ On the sunny side
of the street ♪
♪ Grab your coat ♪
♪ Grab your hat ♪
♪ Leave your worries
on the doorstep, baby ♪
♪ Just direct your feet ♪
♪ On the sunny side
of the street... ♪
Anyway, that's my life so far.
Anyway, that's my life so far.
♪ ... Oh, the happy tune
is your step, baby ♪
♪ Life can be
so sweet, oh, baby ♪
♪ On the sunny side
of the street ♪
Not so much as a peep.
When I was very little,
the thing I hated most in
all the world was resting.
Resting was really
just a kind of torture
invented for people like
me and my sister Brenda.
Invented for people like
me and my sister Brenda.
It was one of the things
gamma told us to do,
and everybody had to do
everything gamma told them,
even when everybody else
was outside having fun.
Play nicely, children,
not like a tube
of cannibalistic baboons.
And I did my
very famous bad thing.
And I did my
very famous bad thing
'cause I was being made to rest
and it was
a beautiful sunny day.
He's on the roof!
No, child. Fraser is resting.
No, no. He's on the roof!
Ohh.
I suppose he must have climbed
up the drainpipe.
Don't be daft. He's
climbed through the window.
Now, you all stay
calm, children.
Yes, gamma.
Edward, do something.
Crawford! Hurry!
Crawford!
Crawford!
Fraser!
Stop, darling.
Oh, my.
Crawford, get the net
outside under the child.
Good thinking, Edward.
Get the dogs
out from under the net.
They'll be crushed.
Fraser.
Watch yourself, sir.
Edward, get a rope!
My dad didn't want
us to go into our attic,
so he told us that that
was where the devil lurked.
Every since, I've been terrified
of the word "lurked."
He's in the
front, Mr. pettigrew.
Huh?
Yes, but which direction?
Aah!
Aah!
Our house is probably too big,
which is why my mum
kept having babies,
so that we can
keep it filled up.
Fraser!
Fraser!
♪ Fraser ♪
She could have just as easily
been an opera singer.
She auditioned for the
great blanche marchesi,
but then she met my dad
and threw away
her opera career for love.
Fraser!
Please, darling.
Please, darling.
Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff!
Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
The only language
that me and my dad
both really understood was dog.
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
It was our ability
to communicate in dog
that lead him to me on the roof,
and saved my life.
Ruff! Ruff!
I'm 10 now,
and me and my dad don't
talk dog much anymore.
I got the tail end!
And off you go.
My dad is amazing.
He's an inventor and a genius.
Sometimes he combines
his mechanical genius
sometimes he combines
his mechanical genius
with his great love
for Beethoven.
Daddy's coming! Daddy's coming!
Daddy's coming!
Semi-submersible,
vulcanized pantaloons!
A burden to tradesmen
and gentry alike.
So you can find
his sloppy trousers
where farewell to drippy fox!
Daddy, daddy.
After his water triumph,
dad's next ambition
is to conquer the air.
It's 7 years
since my famous bad thing,
It's 7 years
since my famous bad thing,
and I still don't have
any fear of heights.
Ready, Fraser?
Ready, dad!
He says that's
why I'm such help to him
with his flying experiments.
7--
6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
They flew the aeroplane!
It's gorgeous.
Welcome to kiloran.
I'm Edward pettigrew.
Bonjour.
Sorry, hello.
I'm Gabriel chenoux,
the emperor of the air.
I have a problem with my--
I have a problem with my--
My filter.
Do you know about engines?
Oh, perhaps.
Oh, this is amazing.
Oh, let's see
if there's something--
I seem to have landed
in some sort of shangri-la here.
Some hidden world
where angels walk
upon the surface of the earth.
A paradise from whence
no human heart
may leave unscorched.
Ooh!
Well, Mr. chenoux, then...
He just dropped out of the sky,
like daedalus.
Daedalus? Who's daedalus?
Daedalus? Who's daedalus?
Icarus?
Daedalus was the father.
Ahh. I meant icarus.
The one who flew
too close to the sun.
Ahh. That's him.
Except icarus didn't have
a sheepskin flying helmet on,
or goggles, or a big coat.
All he had on was a pair
of golden swimming trunks.
Fraser.
Don't dress language like that.
Swimming trunks.
Anyway, icarus fell
and landed on his head
and burst open and died.
We might well have something.
We might well have something
up our sleeves for you.
You know, even if
I would have found
a place to land,
I would have had
to send somebody
to call away for a motor truck.
Well, we may not
be at the forefront
of aerodynamical
mechanics, Mr. emperor,
but I'm sure my men
can rustle up
an air filter from
available materials.
Wouldn't you say, Jim?
What would that be,
Mr. pettigrew?
Oh, I was just thinking that
what might do the trick in terms
of replacing the air filter
might well be some
of our sphagnum.
Sphagnum?
You are, at this moment,
Mr. emperor, privileged
you are, at this moment,
Mr. emperor, privileged
to be standing in the only
sphagnum moss factory in Europe.
And the biggest.
And the best!
My father invented and patented
the pettigrew power intensifier.
Did he, you say.
Flabbergasting. Flabbergasting.
It fits onto the carburetor.
Mr. emperor,
are you going to let us have
a ride in your aeroplane?
Well, I think it's up
to your father to say.
Ask him.
Dad, can I?
Dad says the view of kiloran
was a sight he would treasure
for the rest of his life.
And that we all
looked like bugs.
But he says I'm far too young
to go up in the plane.
It was seeing kiloran from
up in the emperor's aeroplane
that gave him one
of his best ideas.
It was during the great war
that we first started
mining moss.
It was used for putting
on soldiers' wounds,
because it was 10 times
more absorbent than cotton wool.
So when they were
horribly wounded,
it was our moss that soaked up
their blood and guts
and everything.
That was, by far,
the most effective solution.
We could see it so clearly
from the aeroplane.
We reroute the moss trails
through the hillside
and we save a 3-mile journey
to the pressing plants.
Uh, if you say so,
Mr. pettigrew.
Just lay the charges,
Andrew. You let me worry
just lay the charges,
Andrew. You let me worry
about the logistical planning.
Good lord.
What's that buffoon
doing now, mother?
Let me handle this, Morris.
Edward!
Edward!
I don't think Mrs. macintosh
will be too pleased.
Well, that'll be
the cavalry arrived.
Master Morris there--
Right hard-nosed bugger.
And if I know master Morris,
there'll be no more of this damned
foolish dynamiting nonsense.
He'll no be keen
to see his inheritance
blown to pieces.
Blown to pieces.
I have never,
in all my born days,
witnessed such
irresponsible behavior.
The estate is not yours, Edward,
to go around destroying
and exploding without
so much as "by your leave."
And, besides, you'll
frighten the sheep!
What makes you think it's
yours to blow up, Edward?
Sheer, bloody-minded
vandalism, I should say.
Andrew--
Tell the men to pack up
when they've cleared this.
We'll be doing
no more blasting today.
Right, Mr. pettigrew.
Andrew burns says it was
a very good idea, dad.
Does he? Ah, well.
Uncle Morris has rolled
back into town,
and gamma thinks
uncle Morris knows best,
when it comes to
managing his kiloran...
Even though he lives
500 miles away
and only shows his face
once in a blue moon.
And only shows his face
once in a blue moon.
I know, and he's
a right hard-nosed bugger.
Well, he's a pettigrew.
What's a blue moon, dad?
Grr!
Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
My dad has 2 obsessions--
Beethoven and the Bible.
As usual, every Sunday, we have
to listen to him preach.
Healthy mind and a healthy body.
What is it that we mean
when we speak of a healthy mind?
We mean a direct, manly attitude
towards our faith.
Now I take my text today
from, ah, from the words
of the glorious hymn
by William Blake.
"Bring me my bow
of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!"
"Until we have built
Jerusalem on england's..."
Uncle Morris says
our minister's liver
is going to explode.
But if you're a minister,
you'll go
straight to heaven, won't you?
Dad?
Dad?
When people die
and go to heaven,
does everybody get
a house of their own?
To live in?
Uh-huh.
Hmm. Heaven is like
living in the place
you love best for all eternity.
So it'd be like,
just like staying here,
then, wouldn't it?
It'd be like not dying at all.
Fraser, that's...
Very poetically put,
and it's very apt.
I was thinking something
along those lines myself--
About the nature of home.
Don't forget toash
your hands, now, Finlay.
♪ In pastures green... ♪
♪ In pastures green... ♪
Ahh. Magnificent.
Norwegian pine,
sitka spruce.
What are they, uncle Morris?
Commercial softwoods.
What's a commercial softwood?
It's what your father
should be planting
instead of his damn moss.
Trees.
For the paper
and timber industry.
Not handfuls of sphagnum moss
from out of a filthy bog.
You'll miss Sunday lunch!
Fine.
Fine.
Come on, lunch.
Donald! Finlay! Come on, lunch!
Coming, Mr. macintosh.
I'm coming,
Mr. macintosh, I'm coming!
My uncle Morris had
made his fortune in liverpool
and his home in London
when he wasn't nightclubbing
around Paris and monte Carlo.
He always brings the latest
jazz records with him,
mostly to irritate my father.
One time I heard him tell my dad
that he'd kick us out of kiloran
once he'd inherited it,
that we'd have to live
in the moss factory.
But dad said uncle Morris
was only kidding.
But dad said uncle Morris
was only kidding.
We reckon he's
a good laugh, our uncle Morris.
Who's this? Who's this?
Dun-da la-la la-dun--
Reverend finlayson!
Yes, good.
I caught him drinking
out of the Bible.
Oh? He had a drink out
of the good book, did he?
I have--well, there you are.
Let me just sit here and...
Here, hold this.
Hold this, Finlay.
Gamma doesn't let father smoke
in the house.
My father smokes
wherever he wants.
He used to have to ask my mother
he used to have to ask my mother
but now he doesn't.
Uncle Morris,
do you have to do everything
you're told by gamma
macintosh as well?
Absolutely,
without a shadow of a doubt...
And seek permission
for any new venture.
What new venture?
Well, let's say for instance--
Well, just for an example...
Say I was of a mind
to get married.
If old Mrs. macintosh said no,
would you have to
tell your betrothed
it was all off?
Well, let's just suppose
that my prospective wife
that my prospective wife
was a good deal
younger than I am
and she just happened
to be French.
Is she very beautiful?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes, Finlay.
Is she as beautiful
as my mother?
Oh, you think moira
is beautiful, huh?
My wee sister, beautiful?
'Course I do!
Father says,
"my, my, you're looking
beautiful today.
Fancy slipping upstairs
for a slank, moira?"
A slank? Is that what he says?
I must remember that.
I must remember that.
What?
Slip upstairs for a slank.
What? Why is that funny? What?
Mr. pettigrew says,
"fancy who you slank, missus.
Time for a slank.
Fight for a slank-you."
Slank you, banky,
hanky, slanky!
The accounts are
a shambles, mother.
The income from this
nonsensical moss
business is a pittance.
All dad's investment
in this estate
is just... Dribbling away.
Is just... Dribbling away.
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.
Right!
Boys, 6...
1, 2, 3, 4...
Just look at him.
5, 6. Let's go!
Come on, gird your loins!
You're all bonkers!
Mean, all this
running around naked
and dog behavior.
Oh, there may be
a bit of a fool in Edward,
but he's a kind fool.
Kiloran isn't
a business, Morris--
It's our home.
Your father understood
that better than anyone.
Edward worships moira
and moira adores him.
You're just an old
softie, mother.
Good lord. Stoddard, isn't it?
Hey, Mr. Morris.
Hey, Mr. Morris.
Didn't I dismiss you
last summer?
Eh--
Mr. pettigrew brought
you back, did he?
Typical.
You know, mother,
I think it's time
I sorted this place out.
I mean, it's just bedlam.
Like a zoo!
No, daddy!
Daddy, no!
Whoa!
Consternation only intensifies
the sensation of chop, boys.
I'm clean, daddy, I promise you.
I'm clean, daddy, I promise you.
I'm very, very clean.
Ha-ah-ah! Whoo!
It's not healthy, father.
Dr. gebbie said
I have to tell you.
It could make your heart stop.
I'm gonna run and
hide in the woods.
Fraser! No!
Fraser, come back!
Argh! Argh!
Aah!
That was the first time
that I saw the hairy man.
No one else saw him.
He must have been a figment.
Anyway, I think he was
more frightened than I am.
If you plant a boiler house
and a chimney stack
there, Edward,
you will disfigure
kiloran beyond repair.
And if you put
a chimney there, dear,
the smoke will blow
into the nursery, dear.
It will poison our children.
Aha.
Aha!
The pettigrew draft-resisted,
horizontal, underground
fume extractor.
Brilliant, Mr. pettigrew!
Really, moira, the man was mad!
Whoever heard of a
chimney under the lawn?
Whoever heard of a
chimney under the lawn?
Edward's terribly
practical, mother.
I'm sure it'll work.
What, and this is for insulating
all the new central
heating, right?
That's right, Andrew.
I've never seen anything
like it in my puff.
Anthony, they've decided
to call it asbestos.
Tastes like your
mother's porridge.
Oh.
Do you really have
a fiancee, uncle Morris?
Do I what?
Do you really have
a fiancee, uncle Morris?
Indeed I do, Finlay.
Indeed I do.
Is she a secret?
Well, she was until
this afternoon.
What's her name, uncle Morris?
And where did you meet her?
Her name is heloise...
And I suppose, uh, I
met her on a golf course.
Frog's legs--
That's another one.
Also, snails and slugs.
Ugh! That's unbelievable.
Ugh! That's unbelievable.
That's disgustin' you mean.
It's hardly likely, kiki, that
you would be expected to perform
French cookery for the woman.
Good, plain Scottish fare
will have to do her.
Finest food in the world.
Many a-fancy trimmins...
Or garlic.
I ate garlic once.
I was confined to a bed for nearly
a month with rheumatic pains
and even a little gout.
You went to bed with
a little goat, marnie?
No, dear, not goat.
I was confined to a bed
with a little gout.
I was confined to a bed
with a little gout.
Is it true Mr. Morris met
his fiancee miss golfinter?
In tumbron tale.
Apparently, she was playin'...
In a dance band.
He's a great one
for the dancer now,
master Morris.
Playing what?
Well, apparently, it was
a musical instrument.
Glockenspiel.
She plays the French cello,
and her name is heloise.
Aha! The French
cello, master Fraser?
Aha! The French
cello, master Fraser?
Uncle Morris was having a whiskey
and soda to buck up his spirits
after losing to a dreadful
bogey on the 17th
when this beautiful music
wafted into the room
and went through
to see what it was.
And he saw heloise bowing her
cello in the French trio,
and he said to himself,
there and then,
"that's the girl for
you, Morris, my boy."
And he asked the leader
of the French trio
if the lovely cellist
would play him a solo.
He requested le cygne
by Saint-saens.
He requested le cygne
by Saint-saens.
'Cause he knew it was French,
and he wanted to impress her.
And the very next day he took
her to Robbie burns' cottage
for cream tea,
and asked her if she'd
do him the honor
of becoming his wife.
I think that's so lovely.
So sad, as well.
I think that makes
you want to weep.
What was that again
that Mr. Morris
asked his fiancee to play
for him, master Fraser?
Le cygne, which
means "the swan."
That is so beautiful.
That is so beautiful.
The swan--would that be a song
you would know yourself, Fraser?
Uh-huh. Mumsie has it
on a gramophone recording.
It's this...
Oh, that was beautiful, heloise.
Thank you so much.
I see you're wearing the choker.
I wonder whether
you and I might have
a little talk, mother.
It'd be my pleasure
to conduct you
on a personal tour of the
pettigrew world of moss.
Yeah, I'd like that very much.
That was lovely.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
I adored it. It was lovely.
Uncle Morris?
What, Fraser?
Good luck, uncle Morris.
The moss itself has,
uh, properties which are
one at the same time
both antiseptic and--
The spackling is 10 times more
absorbent than cutting wood.
Ohh.
And, dear, these
women we see here,
they're the cutters
and the bailers.
Afternoon, Mr. pettigrew, sir.
Hey, hey, sir.
Brawn, Bonnie afternoon of it
brawn, Bonnie afternoon of it
we're having anew, my Lassie.
There's an advantage to
have a working knowledge
of the local vernacular.
The cutters and the bailers...
The cutters have the
job cutting the moss.
Uh-huh, and the bailers have--
The bailers have the job
of doing the bailing.
Oh!
A considerable quantity
of, uh, water has to be, uh,
removed from the moss before
it can be, uh, racked and--
For drying! And we make
cigars from the dried moss.
Didn't we, dad?
It is not one
of our better ideas.
Now, this is just
taking some soap
down to the end of the cottage.
Ohh!
Just one of my little bits.
What's this?
Father made it himself.
And what we have here are the...
Little storeroom
shop we have here.
Might be able to have myself
a little, uh, selection...
Might be able to have myself
a little, uh, selection...
Look, there's Jim menries.
Hello!
He's our blacksmith.
He's so strong he can
crack things in half.
Oh, that's very impressive.
Ooh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Is all the moss factory
your father's invention, Fraser?
All of it! Everything.
It's the only moss factory
through the entire continent
of the whole of Europe.
Mmm... He's a very
clever man, your father.
I know.
He's an inventor and a genius.
Mmm...
What a beautiful scent.
It reminds me of when we would
catch ecrevisse in the river
catch ecrevisse in the river
and wrap them in moss
to bring them home...
When I was your age.
What age are you now, miss?
I'm 24...
But don't tell your grandmother.
What are ecrevisse?
Ecrevisse are crayfish!
Ignorant little boy!
Species of miniature,
freshwater lobster.
And very delicious to eat.
And very delicious to eat.
I--I knew that,
father, I meant--
Well, Fraser, I think
you've pestered heloise
with your silly,
irritating prattle
quite long enough
for one afternoon.
I haven't!
You're severely
testing our patience.
Can you not see heloise
is bored stiff?
Now, up to the house.
But, dad--
Up to the house!
I'd... Like you
to accept this...
Small gift, as a souvenir
of my moss factory.
Soap, cologne,
soap, cologne,
and a soothing
unguent of sphagnum.
It's you that's irritating!
And it's you that's pestering!
And it's you that's ignorant!
Ahh, Fraser! How would you like
to be the first
young man to come
and shake your
favorite uncle's hand?
Leave me alone! I hate him!
Fraser!
What's happened?
What's the matter?
The boy is getting
out of control, moira.
His father had better take
a firmer hand with him.
His father had better take
a firmer hand with him.
One tantrum hot on the
heels of another.
Fraser...
Fraser?
Whoo-hoo!
Fraser!
Fraser?
Come talk to mumsie, darling.
Enchanté.
Enchanté.
It's dad's fault
if I'm ignorant,
because he never tells me
about anything useful.
If you ask him why
Beethoven is so wonderful,
he says stuff like...
Beethoven is the sound of
god talking in his sleep.
Beethoven is the sound of
god talking in his sleep.
And if you ask him
why he hates jazz,
he says things like...
Jazz is the sound of the devil,
sniggering at our folly, Fraser.
So you end up
not knowing anything...
Except now I know for sure the
devil doesn't lurk in our attic,
'cause that's where I lurk.
The devil lurks
wherever he wants.
He's like me. He isn't
afraid of heights, either.
I've decided to read all
of grandpa macintosh's books
so that I know more
than my dad does.
Someone has written
inside the cover.
"Dearest Samuel,
"forbidden fruits are
always the sweetest.
"I have many things
I'd like to teach you,
"if only we could find
the opportunity.
"If only we could find
the opportunity.
The very thought arouses me
to lubricious ecstasies."
Probably a golfing friend.
Well, if you're ready,
sir, I'll lead off.
All right?
Mr. macintosh?
We're ready, Andrew. You
just give the word.
Bye-bye!
Bye, mumsie!
Fraser!
I was looking for you.
So...
You enjoy Saint-saens.
Yes, when you played
it, aunt heloise.
Is that the music you played
when uncle Morris became
smitten, aunt heloise?
Listen...
When nobody's around, I want
you to call me simply heloise.
D'accord?
D'accord?
Ok. Um... Do you
know what this is?
It's jazz.
Mmm!
♪ Life can be so sweet ♪
♪ On the sunny side
of the street ♪
Heloise?
I though it was one of the
children misbehaving.
Morris told me you sing.
No! No, not--
Well, not really.
Well, um, a little bit.
Ahh!
I auditioned, uh, but
nothing came of it.
Ahh.
Blanche marchesi thought I
might have a future, but...
Alas, it was not to be.
Oh. Perhaps we could try a duet.
N-no.
Yes, I would, actually.
Oh, on the cello, of course.
You'd, um...
Oh, on the cello, of course.
You'd, um...
Fantastic!
Ok.
♪ Oh, my love ♪
♪ Is like a red, red rose ♪
♪ That's newly sprung in June ♪
♪ Oh, my love ♪
♪ Is like a melody ♪
♪ Is like a melody ♪
♪ That's sweetly
played in tune ♪
♪ As fair art thou ♪
♪ My Bonnie lass ♪
♪ So deep in love am I ♪
♪ And I will love thee ♪
♪ Still, my dear ♪
♪ Till all the seas gang dry ♪
♪ Till all the seas
gang dry, my dear ♪
♪ Till all the seas
gang dry, my dear ♪
♪ Till all the seas gang dry ♪
♪ And I will love thee ♪
♪ Still, my dear ♪
♪ Till all the seas gang dry ♪
Mmm.
Beautiful.
Waist, waist, waist.
Aye, aye, aye.
22. 22, aye.
And the rest, and the rest.
Inside leg, inside leg.
Aye. 21, 21.
Oh, go away! Don't look!
Go away!
All right, boys,
you can put your things on now.
Ah, Scottish men. Hee hee!
Oh, it's gorgeous.
Yeah, that's for your
auntie heloise now, Meg.
Yeah, that's for your
auntie heloise now, Meg.
It used to belong to
my dear husband's mother.
I know. Maurice told me
when he gave it to me.
I think it is the most
beautiful thing.
I wore it on the first
day to please you.
Well, you did please me.
Morris is a very fortunate man.
Mumsie? Yes, love.
Aunt heloise says we
can call her just heloise.
We will call your
aunt heloise auntie,
I think, young madam.
Sorry, gamma.
I've fallen head over
heals with heloise.
I think everybody has.
I think everybody has.
Rhythm and timing!
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
This little unsuspecting fishy
hiding in the weeds,
when suddenly...
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
The hunter strikes!
My dad decided
it's time to learn
the manly art of hunting fish.
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
Fraser, liberate
your brother, will you?
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
This means getting up
before everybody else
and standing in
the freezing cold water.
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
And you have to sing bits of Beethoven
to be in the proper rhythm.
I spend half my time
learning to fish
in ice cold water
and have my time learning things
out of grandpa macintosh's
secret books.
In one of the books,
Greek mythology,
there's a lovely picture
of a lady and a swan,
there's a lovely picture
of a lady and a swan,
which is le cygne in French.
Also another lady
called pasiphae
and her pet bull
which she loved hugely.
Cast!
I found an article about a
thing called prostitution.
I read it 3 times.
It's one of
the most interesting things
I've ever come across.
There aren't just secret books.
There are also secret
engravings hidden in them.
There are also secret
engravings hidden in them.
These are mainly
of Belgian ladies
with all their clothes off,
which is called being
en des habits.
Also in the encyclopedia
of ethics,
it says what to do
if you accidentally
see pictures like these.
What's really great about
learning the manly art of fishing
is that it give you loads
of time to think about
is that it give you loads
of time to think about
what you've read
in the secret library.
And the books
give you loads of things
to think about
while you're fishing.
And that's why my dad
wants me out of the attic--
Because he doesn't
want me to know anything.
It probably suits him
if I'm ignorant
and don't know about
the things he knows about,
like the naked ladies
in grandpa macintosh's library.
Well, now I probably
know more about naked ladies
well, now I probably
know more about naked ladies
than he does.
Come on. Come on, dogget.
So then, if we knocked
that wall down there,
and extend 3 hours that way,
then we'll have room for
the drying machines to--
I love this moss.
So do I.
It's like a perfume.
Morris, of course, hates it.
No, he doesn't--
He does, he wants
to destroy it, all of it.
He has no soul, your fiancé.
He has no--no romance
in his soul.
Edward?
Edward?
So, uh...
Now, do I get the kiss?
Like, what you did with Fraser.
What?
You know, how you rewarded him
for, uh, throwing moss.
Fraser's a child.
And you, Morris'
child bride to be.
And you, Morris'
child bride to be.
Edward...
I don't want this talk.
Edward, I want to go
back to the house now.
You're behaving like a child.
Yes?
I beg your pardon, Mr. Morris,
but Jim's just arrived
from the station
with what looks like
more guests.
Ah, excellent, excellent.
Oh, yes. It's, uh, Hector
and Lillian. Good.
Her name's Lillian, but, uh...
We call her Billie.
Hmm.
I'll just, uh, put these
back in the study.
Why?
Oh, you know how gamma is
about strong drink.
Can't say I disagree myself,
especially with
Mr. finlayson at dinner.
Especially with
Mr. finlayson at dinner.
Why don't just leave
them where they were,
in fact, Edward.
Wouldn't want to
appear inhospitable.
Edward...
This moss business...
What about the moss?
If you're going to manage
this ple properly,
you'll have to come up
with a better scheme.
Something that's more
realistic, less childish.
Something that's more
realistic, less childish.
What's childish about the
sphagnum moss processing factory?
Just look at yourself.
You're a grown man.
You're still walking
around the place
with Hanks of the stuff
hanging off your clothes
and sticking out of your hair.
Oh. Ha ha, look at that.
You can't get away from it.
There'll have to be some
serious changes here.
Some cutbacks and the like.
What are you getting at, Morris?
You're so busy wheeling and
dealing, making your money,
you're so busy wheeling and
dealing, making your money,
that you've forgotten
that we have a family here.
A happy family.
Good morning, wee Fraser.
Hello.
You breeze in here with
your exotic child fiancée,
less than half your age,
less than half your age,
and you throw
your weight around.
Ah, just look at you two!
Morris!
A couple of desperados
up from the big city.
Morris, darling. Hey, Hector.
Welcome back to the pile, chaps.
Heloise, there you are.
Are you all right?
Come, I want you
to meet some friends.
This is Billie, and
Hector, this is heloise.
My exotic child fiancèe.
My exotic child fiancèe.
Listen, you'll never believe
this in a million years!
It's for disemboweling
deer, look!
Shh! What, what, sissie?
One of Mr. Morris' friends is
a woman dressed up as a man.
Cow bell, only his
real name is Billie.
Her name, I mean.
What do you mean, dressed up
as a man called Billie?
Do you mean like, a cowboy,
like Billy the kid?
You mean like fancy dress?
It's like a costume?
No, that's how she's dressed,
no, that's how she's dressed,
as if she was really
a real man in real life.
Probably a lesbian.
Master Fraser, you'll
get skinned alive
for language like that!
They generally come from the
Greek island of lesbos.
And they're called
lesbians for that reason.
Oh, master Fraser!
Language like what, Sarah?
I never said a word!
It's him who should get
his mouth washed out!
Although, I don't think
Billie or Lillian
are traditional Greek names.
There's no chance one
of you young lovelies
there's no chance one
of you young lovelies
might find it in their hearts
to iron these for me, is there?
Crawford saw Jesus on
the lawn this morning.
On the lawn.
Who?
Jesus.
Just right out
there on the lawn.
Jesus Christ.
Didn't you, Crawford?
Uh-huh.
Jesus walked across the loch,
then over the lawn,
towards the house.
Was Jesus, by any chance,
was Jesus, by any chance,
wearing a pair of Edward's
semi-submersible,
vulcanized pantaloons?
I know who you mean.
I've seen him, too.
I saw him down in the moss
factory this morning,
when the lady screamed.
Who screamed?
Fraser, Jesus doesn't
like little boys
who tell wicked fibs.
Sorry, gamma--
No, well, sometimes
Jesus might forgive a fib
if it's to protect a loved
one from harm, Fraser.
If it's to protect a loved
one from harm, Fraser.
No, if you claim to be a
Christian and you tell a lie,
you are a hypocrite
and not a Christian.
You can't do a bad thing
and be a good man.
You can't have it both ways.
Now, who can I help
to a little glass
of this claret?
Minister...
You'll not object to
keeping Morris company
amongst all these
abstemious souls?
Well...
No, there is a wedding
to celebrate.
Well, I really don't like to--
I mean, I really don't
think I should.
On the other hand, um...
Wouldn't like to, uh...
Uh, sissie, you must
tell Mrs. Henderson
her kokaliki soup's a triumph.
I think it might be
cream of asparagus, ma'am.
Your trifle ready for
the cream yet, Sarah?
It says Sherry first, then
whipped cream, Mrs. Henderson.
Oh. Right.
You may fetch some
Sherry from the cellar.
Oh! Right, girls. Vegetables.
Sissie, you're nips
and potatoes.
Aggie, you get
the brussel sprouts.
Come on, come on!
That's the scandal of the thing.
Terrible suffering
of the families--
Oh, god, he's off.
Miners have seen their wages
actually chopped in half.
It's no wonder they threatened
to withdrawal labor.
I believe I hear of talk
that there's to be
a bonspiel at
kiloran this winter.
Hmm.
In honor of the newlyweds.
Who shall blame them?
Who indeed, Mr.
Finlayson, who indeed?
Edward?
Well, if the lord
sees fit to bless us
with 3 inches of deep black ice,
then that's exactly what
we'll be having for David.
What is this "bonspiel," Morris?
Curling. Slippery bowling.
It's the Scottish nation's
greatest gift to the world.
After golf that, is.
After golf that, is.
Ah. It's a game, I see.
Mrs. Henderson, you've
excelled yourself.
It's rarely she manages
anything so good.
So, are dogs allowed in?
To heaven? Yes.
Dogs. Of course.
Perfectly free of
sin in their hearts.
So heaven is full of
people's pets that have died
and gone to wait for them?
The Christian faith is a very
muscular thing, heloise.
The Christian faith is a very
muscular thing, heloise.
It isn't damaged by ridicule.
It's much stronger than--
Temptation...
Than duty?
Than what? What is
it stronger than?
What about stotes?
Quiet, Fraser.
Yes, what about stotes?
I'm sorry to say
that stotes are vermin.
In your eyes. Not in the
eyes of other stotes.
In the eyes of god.
I'll have another
wee spoonful of that,
if you don't mind, sissie!
But why would any god
deliberately create vermin?
But why would any god
deliberately create vermin?
They seemed to be doomed
to eternal damnation
simply for being true
to their own nature.
Because by their nature,
some creatures are
beyond redemption.
Creatures?
How would we
define a "creature"?
Would I qualify as
a creature, perhaps?
A stote is not a creature, miss.
A stote is a wild beast
of woods and fields.
Just like our Fraser.
She's on her fourth helping.
What fourth helping?
The trifle. I can't get over--
No... No more Sherry trifle?
Oh, my god!
It's utter nonsense, Edward.
It's a montalago,
my father wouldn't have
sweet Sherry in his house.
Perhaps heloise and I could perform, Mr.
Finlayson,
perhaps heloise and I could perform, Mr.
Finlayson,
raise some funds for the
families of your poor miners.
What a very Christian idea.
And what will you perform?
A duet, perhaps?
Prostitution!
No, really. It's perfect.
Mumsie and auntie heloise
could be prostitutes,
and they could attend
to our urgent needs
and earn a considerable
fortune for the miners.
And they could service
my dad and uncle Morris
and anybody else
who could afford
their lubricious ministrations.
Fraser.
Go to my study
and wait for me there.
What? Why? What--
What's wrong?
We're all of us prostitutes,
in some manner or other.
That's what my Samuel
used to say in business.
Oh, he's waiting for me!
No, he's-- oh, I miss him!
I miss my Samuel!
Of course.
He's waiting for me!
Come along, gamma.
Come on. Let's go have
a little lie down now,
shall we? There we are.
Oh, he's waiting for me!
There we are.
Oh, I miss my Samuel.
Oh, I miss my Samuel.
He's waiting for me.
It's you that's irritating!
It's you that's pestering!
And it's you that's ignorant!
Oh!
Come on, son!
Fraser!
Fraser!
Where are you?
Fraser!
Fraser!
Where are you?
Fraser, where are you?!
Come on, lad!
Gamma's got better now
her trifle's worn off.
She's very angry with Sarah,
and says she'll have
to let her go.
It was only for the
bloody damn dressing,
Mrs. high and mighty macintosh.
Jesus Christ a mighty,
Mr. pettigrew, look.
Dad dredged the loch.
Dad dredged the loch
for his precious
Beethoven busts.
But he found
something else instead.
The hairy man turned out to be
Andrew burns' cousin Alec,
who'd been shell-shocked
during the great war.
And I've got pneumonia.
Ah!
The house is the
emptiest it ever was.
And it makes me think
of how it's going to be
when uncle Morris throws us
all out onto the streets,
and plants Norwegian
pine and sitka spruce
all over everything.
That's really scary.
Fraser.
I think you have
to wait outside.
But I thought
you were dead, gamma!
But I thought
you were dead, gamma!
Outside, Fraser!
I know you're unwell,
Fraser pettigrew,
I know you're unwell,
Fraser pettigrew,
and having flights of
fantasy due to delirium,
so we won't speak
of this to anyone.
Is that fully and completely
understood, young man?
I'm sorry, gamma.
Gamma? When you die
and give the house
to uncle Morris,
what will happen to us?
Whatever happens, my love,
you'll always be looked after.
Anyway, I'm very far
from dead, you know?
Anyway, I'm very far
from dead, you know?
But I thought you stopped
breathing and died.
I know you did, Fraser.
That's why we don't sneak
into ladies' bedrooms
without knocking first.
But why?
Because, we might stumble
on some dreadful secret
that makes our hair turn white
and haunts us all our lives.
Is that what turned
your hair white, gamma?
No, my love. It was you,
love, that made--
Ah! Oh!--That made
my hair turn white.
Ah! Oh!--That made
my hair turn white.
Now, off you go with sissie.
Oh, master Fraser,
you're on fire!
Sissie, is slanking something
you have to do in secret
because it's wicked?
Shh, Fraser!
If people get caught slanking,
are they in terrible trouble?
Daffy boy.
Slanking.
Sissie?
Uh-huh?
You used to teach me a poem
when you used to bathe us
before we went to bed.
Remember?
I don't know any poems, Fraser.
I don't know any poems, Fraser.
Yes, you do. You taught me one.
Which one?
"When I was going
down the stair,
"I met a man who wasn't there.
"He wasn't there again today--."
"I wish, I wish, he'd go away."
Uh-huh. Who is he?
Who's who?
Who's that man, sissie?
There isn't any man.
I met a man who wasn't
there on the roof.
Tell me who he is,
or I'll splash water
all over you.
Aye, and you'll feel the
back of my hand, young man.
Fraser!
I like sissie.
I like bath time
with sissie even more.
I like bath time
with sissie even more.
In some ways, she's even better
than grandpa macintosh's
pictures.
Now, you stay there
and rest, young man.
I want to help dad and Andrew
fire up the new boiler, mumsie.
Oh, you'll do no such thing!
Now, resting, Fraser.
Oh, dear.
Oh, heaven's above, Edward!
Oh, goodness me!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Now, gamma, gamma, uh...
Moira! What on earth
has that man of yours
gone and done now?
I think the heat must
have cracked the joints
in the pipe, Mr. pettigrew.
Edward pettigrew!
It's fractured
the asbestos lagging.
You've dug your
own grave this time!
Now, out of the draft and
underneath those covers, Fraser.
Damnin' blast!
Uh, you know how
Mrs. macintosh feels
about smoking around
the house, sir.
Fraser! Where on earth
did this come from?
The moss factory.
I think auntie heloise
must have lost it.
...until he's boiled alive
in his own juices!
Moira? What's a matter, love?
Oh, don't be silly, dear!
I'm only wanting
to give him a fright.
Ha ha! Ooh. Ooh!
Rotary screen mach 3 seems a
little bit brighter to me,
don't you think?
So, Fraser, what do you
think of the camera work?
So, Fraser, what do you
think of the camera work?
Ooh, it's very good.
Look, here's
heloise and elspeth.
Yeah.
Oh, there's mumsie.
Wave to mumsie!
Why is jazz horrible, dad?
Contact!
Lack of moral fiber.
Not like Beethoven.
That's exactly right, Fraser.
Contact!
Beethoven is upright and honest,
whereas jazz is sneaky
and treacherous
and effeminate and
just plain foreign.
Have you got it switched on?
Of course I've got
it switched on!
What do you think
I mean by "contact"?
Auntie heloise likes jazz.
Auntie heloise likes jazz.
Yes, well, auntie heloise
is particularly French.
And French ladies don't
understand the first thing
about moral fiber.
How's that, mcpherson?
Good morning, Mr. pettigrew.
Aye, that's an awful big pile
of letters today, is it now?
Something for you, Fraser.
Thank you.
It's smelly. Smells
like auntie heloise.
Don't be ridiculous.
Morning, master Fraser.
So, uh, what seems
to be the problem here?
Thank you, aggie.
Are you cold, mumsie?
Oh, just a wee bit.
Always seem to be these days.
I've run out of fire lashes.
You could fetch them
for me, Fraser, hmm?
Will you pay me?
Will you pay me?
Pay you?
Uh-huh. I want to save
up and buy something.
Here it is.
That's what you came up for!
I thought you missed me.
Ooh, my goodness.
It's just the right
size for my room.
That's a lot of fire lashes.
You better get
started, young man.
Penny a dozen.
Heloise, voice-over:
"Dear Edward,
"all I want is to
be your sister-in-law
"and your friend.
"Please let us forget
what happened...
"And what didn't happen.
No one need ever know.
With best wishes."
With best wishes."
Something's troubling him.
He's not himself.
What do you think it is, Andrew?
Oh, what is about
the estate, I expect,
about your uncle Morris and
the changes he'll make.
The future, the family,
all the things
a father worries about.
Sometimes children
worry as well, though.
And what do they
worry about, Fraser?
Do you think there's
something evil about jazz?
Are we having
a debate here, Fraser?
Are we having
a debate here, Fraser?
A socratic dialogue, Andrew.
It's how you find out
about the world.
How it works.
I'll tell you how it works.
In the heart of this world,
there's a molten core.
Thousand of degrees
fahrenheit of boiling magma.
Do you know what magma is?
Well, it's like lava,
only thicker.
And the firmness
of the boiling heart
moves the continents around
on the surface of the earth,
and the continents
crunch into one another
and the continents
crunch into one another
to make the mountains.
I thought--didn't god
make the mountains?
In the first place?
Uh-huh.
Aye, well, there's some
argument about that.
Have you carved out
your lantern yet, Fraser?
For Halloween?
Aye, Cassie and Donald
have done theirs.
You'll get your shoes
back for the walk home,
if you're good.
Halloween is
a time of great evil,
when terrible crimes
and atrocities happen.
When terrible crimes
and atrocities happen.
Like, for instance,
a gay Gordon's.
We're going to start
with a gay Gordon's.
Now, since some of you
probably aren't familiar
with a gay Gordon's,
then Fraser pettigrew
and Cassie burns will lead
us through all very slowly.
Fraser.
Mumsie!
Fraser.
Come on, everybody up, come on!
Come on, everybody up, come on!
All together, now.
All the boys and girls.
That's it.
That's it!
I warned you, Fraser pettigrew!
Warned what?
That's it!
What? That's it!
What? That's it!
Edward! Do something!
Stop this nonsense!
Stop!
Stop it, Finlay! Finlay!
All right!
All right!
Off, off!
Ah, break it up!
Fraser, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
He's touching my sister.
He's feeling her ass.
He's feeling my sister's ass
and her titties as well.
That's enough!
That's enough!
I wasn't touching anybody!
I was just doing
the gay Gordon's.
I've had lessons!
That's enough!
He told me to look after her
and see me if he touches her--
Aah!
I wasn't touching anybody, I was
just doing the gay Gordon's!
The encyclopedia of ethics
also said that Halloween
needed a human sacrifice
to be any good.
Thank yourselves lucky I don't
thrash you both with my cane.
Now, grow up and go and apologize to Mrs.
Macintosh.
This year it's me and Donald.
So that makes us friends,
and Donald is taking me
and Donald is taking me
to see something really amazing.
Come on, you!
Steady. Come on now, come on.
What are they doing?
Are they gonna have a fight?
It's a bulling.
They're gonna
give it a servicing.
Now, steady.
Wow!
There we are.
The encyclopedia says
dancing with girls
is one of the pleasures
of the flesh,
but I didn't enjoy dancing
the gay Gordon's.
I read about something
called an orgy,
and about harems.
And about harems.
Then I fell asleep
and dreamt about auntie heloise.
So, uh, when you wake up
after one of these
dreams, Fraser--
Uh-huh?
And, the, uh, the bed's wet--
I hardly ever--
It was a very nice dream
that you were having.
I hardly ever wet
the bed anymore, father!
I know. I haven't
since I was very--
No, I know, I know,
Fraser, but, if, um,
when, uh, in the future...
You feel something well
up from deep within you,
you feel something well
up from deep within you,
and the core
of your very being--
Like magma!
Uh-huh.
What's magma?
It's...
It's like lava, only thicker.
Well, probably.
But, uh, when you've had
a very nice dream--
I have nice dreams, as well.
Precisely.
I dreamt about auntie
heloise playing jazz.
It was the first
dream I've ever had
that had music in it.
Dear god.
Well, next time you
hear music in a dream,
well, next time you
hear music in a dream,
as soon as you've waken
up in the morning,
you must run down
to the loch with me
and have a cold plunge, huh?
Mens sana in corpore sano,
healthy mind and
a healthy body--
Healthy body, I know.
Yes. Well.
Well, that's all
cleared up, then.
So, Fraser, is there anything
you'd like to ask me about?
What's an... Orgy, father?
What's an... Orgy, father?
Uh-huh.
And, uh...
And a fellatio.
Is it like a trombone the
angels blow into in heaven?
Uh...
Well, they're, um...
They're both, I believe, Fraser,
what we call temptations
of the flesh.
I know that, but what are they?
What are what?
Temptations of the flesh.
What are they?
What are they?
What are they?
Uh, what are they?
Well, uh, I'll tell
you what they are.
They're to be resisted
at all costs.
Gamma?
Mmm-hmm?
Did gods in ancient Greece
turn themselves
into animals, really?
Well, what do you mean
by "really," Fraser?
Did they actually do it?
Well, sometimes they
actually did it, in legend.
Well, sometimes they
actually did it, in legend.
Why didn't Jesus ever turn
himself into an animal, gamma?
Well, turning oneself
into an animal
isn't very Christian, Fraser.
I think, if I was Jesus, though,
I would have liked
to turn myself
into a swan or a bull.
I think that is quite enough
about "if you were
Jesus," young man.
I always wanted
to be a polar bear.
I always wanted
to be a polar bear.
Get by the fire, yes, ma'am.
Hello, how are you?
Oh, oh, mommy. Ooh, mommy.
Fraser!
Mumsie, they're here!
Uncle Morris and auntie heloise!
Fraser, my favorite
nephew! Come!
Give a kiss to your
old auntie heloise.
Mumsie! Mother!
Auntie heloise and uncle Morris!
Auntie heloise and uncle Morris!
They've arrived
for the bonspiel!
Heloise?
Yes?
Happy?
Yes. Very.
I hope you are.
Those...
Are the ales of craigs, Fraser.
Are the ales of craigs, Fraser.
Ha ha. Your grandfather's
favorite stones.
Aye.
I used to Polish them
personally for him.
They're the best ones.
Real beauties.
Why are they the best, tom?
A very dense granite
and a very fine grain.
That means the stone
has massive momentum,
if you have the muscle
on you to get them moving.
If you have the muscle
on you to get them moving.
Here.
Look at this.
Plutonic igneous granite.
What does plutonic mean?
Pluto was the god of darkness.
A black prince of Hades.
These stones are
from magma, Fraser.
Forged in the very
bowels of hell.
Speaking geologically,
of course.
Wow!
The bonspiel is when
all the curling teams
from all around
play in a huge contest.
I want a side bet
for the miners.
10 guineas on this one,
10 guineas on you, boy.
Ladies and gentlem!
Today, for the first time ever,
we are competing for the
macintosh challenge trophy.
We are competing for the
macintosh challenge trophy.
Curling was my Samuel's passion.
A game that could
be shared by all.
I dedicate this bonspiel
to my dear, departed husband,
Samuel macintosh.
On my signal, let the
roaring game begin!
Hooray!
Luck of the devil!
Well done, those sweeps.
The best noise in all the world!
As good as jazz.
Are you winning, uncle Crawford?
No, in a word, Fraser,
we're being thrashed.
No, in a word, Fraser,
we're being thrashed.
Andrew's team is just limbering
up against us, Fraser.
I fancy they'll
be lifting the cup
by the end of the day.
Not a chance. These miner
boys are unstoppable.
Nonsense. You want to bet?
Edward, I'm a millionaire.
What are you going to bet me?
And what is that
supposed to mean?
It means, what do you have
that I might want
to take from you
in a bet?
What do I have, Morris?
What do I have?
This.
Sorry? What?
This--this place--
This estate--
This--this place--
This estate--
Kiloran, the moss factory,
is what I have.
And I'll bet you everything.
Andrew's team will
take the bonspiel.
Everything.
All right, skip!
What makes you think it's
yours to bet, Edward?
Sweep, sweep!
What about you, hmm?
How do you mean?
What would you put up
in return, eh, Morris?
What's the millionaire got
what's the millionaire got
that he couldn't bare to lose?
What means more than anything,
all his money?
Business, his 2 homes?
What means more
to you than anything else?
I suppose you're referring
to my wife, hmm?
And what makes you think
she's yours to bet, Morris?
Crack down, Jim menries!
Crack down, Jim menries!
Crack down, Jim menries!
Crack down!
Crack down, Jim menries!
Come on, come on!
Come on! Do it!
What the hell was that?
Stone's cracked, Anderson.
Handle's loose.
The stone's rubbish, I'm afraid.
I'll get the stone, Andrew.
Ah, come on, Andrew!
Hey, Andrew!
The emperor.
The emperor of the air!
The emperor is coming!
Mumsie, Mr. chenoux's coming!
The emperor
has come back to see us,
although I suspect
he's really come back
to see elspeth.
Mr. chenoux, can I have a ride
in your aeroplane, please?
No, no, Fraser, you're
a wee bit too young.
Mr. chenoux, I'd like
you to meet heloise.
Heloise, this is Mr. chenoux.
Morris macintosh.
How are you? Hi, how are you?
I'd like to present my mother.
Hot pots ready!
Hot pots ready!
Hot pots ready.
She moves with
remarkable elegance,
don't you think, Fraser?
Don't you think, Fraser?
Auntie heloise?
No, not your auntie!
Your sister, elspeth.
Like a swan.
Elspeth?
Yeah.
Whoa!
Oh, whoa, oh!
I think the emperor
wants to dance with elspeth
because all that's on
his mind is slanking.
He's French.
Oh, pleasure to have
you in my arms.
Anyway, who
wants to slank elspeth?
Gamma? Please?
What's a matter now, Fraser?
Can Jim menries play
with grandfather's stones
if we make it to the final?
The ales of craigs.
Can Jim and Andrew have--
No, I don't think so, Fraser.
That's not appropriate.
But, uncle Morris,
gamma says it's a game
that can be shared by everyone.
Yes, well, never mind
about that, Fraser.
I said no. Now, go on.
Run along, eat your stew.
Thank you, mother.
We better get back.
Thank you, mother.
We better get back.
Gamma!
Get her out!
I never got to fly
with the emperor of the air.
And gamma died a few weeks
later from pneumonia.
And gamma died a few weeks
later from pneumonia.
It's time to go now, angel.
Come on.
Come on.
Gamma!
It wasn't just gamma
that died that day.
Kiloran would never be the same.
She was kiloran,
and the world we'd always known
quietly slipped away with her.
Our dear lord surely
knew what he was doing.
Our dear lord surely
knew what he was doing
when he made it
so easy for the ladies
to have a good cry.
Moira.
Dear moira...
Jesus came for gamma.
In her will, gamma said
to give the estate
to us, not uncle Morris.
And if only uncle Crawford
would stop going
on about Jesus...
Jesus held her hand.
No, he did not!
No, he did not!
Did not what, Fraser?
Jesus. That's a wicked fib!
You're only making it up to
make mumsie feel better.
But you're not,
you're making her feel worse!
Fraser, that's quite enough.
You don't speak to a
grown-up like that.
Edward, the child is upset.
He's only trying to--
I'll thank you not to
interfere, heloise.
Don't listen
to your father, Fraser.
Leave the bloody child alone
when I'm talking to him, woman.
Don't you dare use that
tone of voice with my wife!
Enough! This is my damned home,
and I'll be damned
if I let you 3
wait around here any longer!
I think we should leave now.
My mother never saw
through you, pettigrew.
I do, though.
You're a shabby little lothario.
You're a--you're a joke!
You're not fit to run
my mother's estate!
My estate, Morris.
My estate.
Is this really what
you want, Morris?
More than anything, hmm?
Except, you see,
I've already won it!
I'm not talking about the
estate, either, Morris.
I won the bet months ago.
You!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
A silly bet.
Do you think I don't know?
About you and her?
I suppose you've
had your hands on her.
Do you think I am blind?
That I am a fool?
Do you think I don't
know that you want her?
Her instead of me!
Instead of us.
Instead of us.
Edward, please.
Edward, you must listen to me.
Understand me, Edward.
This is our home.
Morris is gone.
Morris is gone.
I only want you.
You must work out
what it is you want.
I didn't mean to cause
all that trouble.
I know you didn't.
Elspeth, is dad going to stay
with mumsie and the rest of us?
I don't know, Fraser.
What did mumsie mean
when she said
dad had his hands
on auntie heloise?
Had carnal knowledge of her.
Like in the Bible.
Isn't that a dreadful sin?
I don't know. Is it?
Elspeth, is it like a slike?
Elspeth, is it like a slike?
No.
That's something you do
with somebody you love.
Did you do it with the
emperor of the air?
That's not any
of your business, Fraser.
Heloise got it for you.
She brought it from Paris.
She thought it was
something you might enjoy.
Louis Armstrong!
I've been a child.
It wasn't just Morris.
I'm so sorry.
The next few months
weren't easy for any of us,
but dad worked hard and
mumsie finally forgave him.
But dad worked hard and
mumsie finally forgave him.
And bit by bit, dad remembered
the knack of making
mumsie laugh.
That was a great sermon
this morning.
He mentioned adultery,
sins of the flesh,
sins of the heart.
Where's Fraser?
I thought he was with you.
I'll go and fetch him.
Quick, or we'll
miss the service.
Where is he going?
Look for Fraser.
Look for Fraser.
Ahh.
Louis Armstrong, on record: ♪ on
the sunny side of the street ♪
♪ Can't you hear
that pitter-pat, babe ♪
♪ And that happy tune
is your step ♪
♪ Life can be so sweet ♪
♪ On the sunny side
of the street ♪
♪ I used to walk in the shade ♪
♪ I used to walk in the shade ♪
♪ With those blues on parade ♪
♪ But I'm not afraid, baby ♪
♪ My rover crossed over ♪
♪ If I never had a cent, babe ♪
♪ I'd be rich as rockefeller ♪
♪ With gold dust at my feet ♪
♪ With gold dust at my feet ♪
♪ On the sunny side
of the street ♪
♪ Grab your coat ♪
♪ Grab your hat ♪
♪ Leave your worries
on the doorstep, baby ♪
♪ Just direct your feet ♪
♪ On the sunny side
of the street... ♪
Anyway, that's my life so far.
Anyway, that's my life so far.
♪ ... Oh, the happy tune
is your step, baby ♪
♪ Life can be
so sweet, oh, baby ♪
♪ On the sunny side
of the street ♪