My Friend, Tucker (2019) - full transcript

(film reel rolling)

(Hamilton mumbling)

- Celebrate the
love of my parents,

Kingston and Faith, okay.

Okay, so if I hit the
point Happy Anniversary,

we're here to celebrate
the love of Kingston.

We're here to celebrate the love

of Kingston and
Faith, my parents.

Man, can you stop following me?

- Oh, but I go where you go!

- See, 13 years ago, that
would have been sweet.



Now it's just fuckin' irksome.

Okay.

Happy Anniversary.

- I think somebody
needs a diaper change.

- Can you please stop?

Look, I'm tryin' to think, man,

and I can't think
when you're talking.

- Well, this mouth
closes for no one.

- Why are you doing this? I
mean, for the past two days,

you wouldn't shut up
about this damn speech.

"You gotta write
something, you gotta do it.

"You're their only son, it'll
mean the world to them."

All of that.

- Nope, I never said it'd
mean the world to them.



I said it would be the best
gift they could receive.

- The exact wording
is irrelevant.

You kept pushin' for me to
write this stupid speech,

and now you won't give me the
time I need to do this shit.

I don't even know what I'm
supposed to be writin'.

(Hamilton sighing deeply)

- Hammy, you don't
know what to write

'cause you're not in
a positive head space.

For the last two days, I've
been trying to motivate you,

and for the last two
days, you've run away

from every beam of light
I have sent your way.

- I'm sorry I can't
receive your light.

This house has already
been drenched in darkness.

Okay, let me see.

- What is inside this house

has nothing to do with
what is inside of you.

- Do you sit in front of a
mirror and practice this shit?

You can't be this
monkish naturally.

- It's an art form.

- Man.

Okay. (sighing)

No.

You know what?

I know how to start this thing.

(clearing throat) Ready?

All right, here
we go, here we go.

Happy Anniversary to the
parents I never wanted.

Yeah, now we cookin' with oil.

- You are not gonna write that.

- I won't?
- No.

You are not that
much of an asshole,

though you'd like to be.

- You sure? I mean, I am a
student of Kingston and Faith.

The assholery runs deep.

- Don't call them by their
names, they are your parents.

- They are people, people
who I happened to live with

for 18 years.

- (laughing) A grand
simplification.

Hammy, these people raised
you, they gave you life,

so I wouldn't balk
if I were you.

I mean, they paid for
everything you ever needed.

I mean, aren't they paying
the grossly overpriced tuition

for the distinguished
university you left me for?

- First of all, I
didn't leave you.

You're not my
fuckin' girlfriend.

Second, let's not
pretend like raising me

is something they did out of
the kindness of their heart.

They're supposed to do that.

Man, I didn't ask to be here.

If I had a choice, I woulda
happily remained nothing.

Happy--

- But then you wouldn't
have had the honor

of befriending me.

(snapping fingers) Oh!

- Lucky me.

(Tucker sighing deeply)

You know, I'm just gonna come
back to this later, dude.

That's if I decide
to come back to it.

- You will, 'cause I
won't leave you alone,

and you know I won't.

(pencil scratching)

(sighing deeply)

- So annoying.

- Hammy, (sighing)

I am seeing a ripple of
negativity all around you.

The only thing that's gonna
bring is more negativity,

which is just unfavorable.

You know what you need?

- Fuck outta here.

- No, come here, embrace me.

- Nope.

- What do you mean nope?

Hammy, you're vulnerable.

You need my warmth.

- I need your warmth?
- Mm-hmm.

- You don't even know what
you're saying right now, do you?

- I don't know what I'm saying,

but I'm okay with
that if you are.

(Hamilton laughing)

Come on, Hammy, I need you to
embrace me, I'm not gonna beg.

- Tuck, stop.

- You know you want
this to happen.

- Oh, but I don't.

- Oh, but you do.

Look into these beautiful
eyes (mumbling).

Let Tuck (mumbling) touch you.

- Man, leave me
alone, all right?

- Hamilton Howard Young!

See?

You know I mean business when
I pull out the full name.

Okay.

Okay, if you continue
this disobedience--

- This disobedience?

Comedy hour, man.

- You will force me to hump you.

- Tucker, you're
not gonna hump me.

- I won't?

Five,

a-four.

- Go ahead and count.

- A-three,

a-two,

one.

- All right, all right,
all right, come on, man!

Uh-oh, uh-oh, he goes right,
he goes left, he spins, ooh!

- All right, here
we go, oh, yeah!

- All right, okay,
okay, okay, man!

Stop, yo, man!

- All that resistance for what?

That was nice.

- So I have to say this.

Tucker, in a world where
notorious sexual predators

disguised as American
sweethearts are finally outed

for their atrocities,

you should not have been
able to do what you just did.

♪ What did I do

- You humped me against my will,

and you wouldn't stop until
I did what you wanted.

(Tucker laughing)

- Wait, are you messin'
with me right now?

- No, that's assault, man.

I mean, if I were a girl, would
you have done all of that?

See, when it comes
to the opposite sex,

our inner voices kick in, right?

There's someone up
there that's tellin' us

you can't force
yourself on to a woman.

You can't physically
intimidate her

into complying with
your unmerited demands.

Those who do go that
route, what are they?

- Scuzz buckets.

- [Hamilton] Mm-hmm.

- You know what, I'm
sorry, I'm really sorry.

I was just havin' fun with
you, but that's not right.

You say you didn't want a hug,
and I shoulda respected that.

- Apology accepted.

I just want to make it
clear that no means no.

- No, absolutely.

Guys just, I mean, we like
to play around, you know?

No matter how deep
our voices get,

or how much taller we grow,

that perverted 10-year-old
with unbounded energy

is always gonna
live inside of us.

- (laughing) Doesn't
excuse anything.

- No, it doesn't.

I just want you to
know I wasn't trying

to make you feel uncomfortable.

- Yes, you were.

- Well, yeah, but you know, it
came from a place of levity.

- Look, I'm not
mad at you, okay?

Quite frankly, you're
the Randal to my Dante.

I'm just lettin' you know
this can't keep happening.

I mean, you've done stuff
like this to me before,

and I put on a brave face,

but I don't know how many
more brave faces I have.

And I know that, you know,
guys do shit like this

all the time with their
guy friends, but sometimes,

the laughter's just a way
to camouflage the agitation.

And of course, most
guys aren't like me.

They would never tell you
how they're really feeling,

'cause guys don't get assaulted,
as it's so ignorantly put.

- I'm sorry, Hammy.

- See?

Now, we can have
a consensual hug.

Ah, bring it in.

Hey!

- That was a better hug anyway.

- [Hamilton] See how that works?

Check it out.

- Oh, snap!

Vintage!

- [Hamilton] Yeah, I
found it this morning.

- See, I'm one of the few
adults that made the transition

from boy to man, and still
retained their cuteness.

Wish I could say
the same for you.

- Man, I thought college
was gonna mellow me out.

- I thought so too.

Been what, two years
since I last saw you?

- Somethin' like that.

I'm sorry for bein'
away for so long.

I put off comin' back here

until I thought I
could handle it.

I was hopin' that
finally showing my face

woulda signified a new
beginning, or, I don't know.

But absence makes the
heart grow colder, I guess.

I stepped in here, and
it was just a resurgence

of everything I
wanted to forget,

just all this shit playin'
on the IMAX screen right now.

- Now, hearing that
kinda ticks me off.

I mean, bein' back home
can't be all gray skies.

It used to be the Hammy and
Tucker Show around here.

- Man, it still is, we just
got renewed for a new season.

- Yeah, and since I'm
an audience favorite,

my salary's gonna be higher
this time around, all right?

- Oh, now, be careful.

A greedy character is a
character who can be replaced.

- See, you can't have
the Hammy and Tucker Show

without the original Tucker.

That's a recipe for
early cancellation.

Look at Blue's Clues.

They replaced Steve, and
the magic was incinerated.

- Yeah, I'll give you that.

I mean, I still haven't
seen Return to Halloweentown

because I know Kimberly
J. Brown isn't in it.

- Oh!

Oh!

You cannot take the heart
from a series or franchise

and expect it to still beat.

- You know what's funny though?

At school, I actually did
feel like a TV show character.

- How so?

- Like, you know how on TV,
you establish the bromance

and never the two shall part?

Take The Wayans
Bros. for example.

You have Shawn and
Marlon, a duo we all love.

It's rare that you see
one without the other

because their lives
are so interlaced.

That's how we were.

So when I got to campus,

I had to get used to the
Hammy and No Tucker Show,

but how can I do that
when I'm so used to

lookin' over my right and
seein' that goofy-ass smile?

- Hammy, you say I'm
not a girlfriend,

but it sound like you're missin'
me like a girlfriend, ah!

- I'd love to break it to you,

I'm covered in that department.

- I knew there was a glow,
but we'll circle back to that.

How's school been?

- You asked me that already.

- Yeah, and you gave me
a very flat, "It's fine."

That's not how you
answer the Tuck.

- A million pardons.

I don't know, college was,
it was hard to get used to.

I mean, here, I got
my teachers on my ass,

Kingston and Faith on my ass,

but in college, there's
no one checkin' up on you.

Like, no one there to remind
you to do your homework,

or study for that test.

And if you don't
show up to class,

ain't nobody wonderin'
where you were.

It's like the only person
rooting for you to succeed

is you.

- Adulthood irony.

The one thing you hated in
middle school and high school

is the same thing you
wish you had in college.

- No, I'ma stop you right there.

Now, I could definitely do
without Kingston and Faith

breathin' down my neck.

College is gift-wrapped
independence.

It's just somethin'
I had to get used to.

Now, look, my first semester,
that shit was rocky,

but I pulled through.

I don't know how I
did it, but I did.

- So let's talk about
your: ♪ Candy Girl

- [Hamilton] Jonet?

- Is that her name?

- It is.

- Well, can I see what
she looks like, or?

- Well, can I
finish my bagel, or?

- Nope.

Impatience is a virtue.

- All right.

Hey, let me find it.

- Well, hello, Miss Jonet!

Those eyes!

- She can get away
with anything.

- Are those real?

- 100%.

- (sighing) See, that is how
you know you're breathtaking,

when people question
your natural features.

- Oh, I was the same way,

and I really got suspicious
when she showed interest.

Like, how can you
be that attractive

and genuinely enjoy my company?

- Always selling yourself short.

- Yeah.

- She has a very ambiguous look.

- Oh, check this out.

So, her mom is black
and her dad is Chinese,

Irish, Samoan, and black.

- Hmm, moral of the story,

anything mixed with
black will be gorgeous.

- That's fair.

- So, how did Hamilton
and Jonet come to be?

(Hamilton sighing deeply)

That was an overly audible sigh.

- Yes, it was.

- Do you not want to tell me?

Did you meet online
or something?

I wouldn't care.

- No, we didn't meet
online, we met at a party.

- And that's why you
sighed like that?

- Well, I mean, she didn't
make the best first impression.

- Why?

Did she puke on
you or something?

'Cause I hate it
when they do that.

- No.

Look, she used me, all right?

Used me like dental floss.

- How the hell did she do that?

- Well, she saw her ex at
the party with another girl,

and so she came up to
me and started dancing.

- That's pretty low.

- I mean, but she didn't
lead me on or nothin'.

I mean, she told me
what was goin' on.

- Well, then, I'm
not even mad then.

You were happily
her dental floss.

- I was havin' fun,
I was nicely buzzed.

Plus, I was already dancin',
so lettin' her twerk on me

was not really an
inconvenience, you know?

- I guess you don't mind
bein' a checker piece,

but I would have.

That is how you get
deported to a country

known as the friend zone.

- The friend zone is mythical.

Listen, any guy who lets a girl

turn him into the
gunk under her shoe

deserves to be
splashed in hot grits.

Look, if you see a
girl is not interested,

don't give yourself a false
sense of hope, all right?

Don't go droppin'
everything you got goin' on

just to go listen to
her talk about the guy

she's actually into.

You need to find you a girl
who's going to love you

as much as you love
her, hmm? (laughing)

- So Jonet didn't
friend-zone you?

- No!

We danced for a few songs
and went about our evening.

We bumped into each other
that following week.

She remembered me and she
apologized for what she did.

♪ She blamed it on the
al-al-al-al-al-alcohol ♪

- They always do.

- After that, we'd run into
each other occasionally,

and we were always
friendly, you know?

A smile there, wave
here, always friendly.

One day, I was eating
lunch in the dining hall,

it was particularly
crowded that day.

I was eating by
myself, she saw me,

she needed a place to
sit, I invited her over,

and that was the day
that the friendship

became somethin' else.

- And she lights up your life?

- She does.

She also gives me
hope to carry on.

(both laughing)

Dear, Facebook, I'd like
to personally thank you

for reminding me of how
stupid I used to look.

- What makes this
whole thing worse

is that you knew you
looked like a buffoon,

yet you sagged
your pants anyway.

- Hey, you did it too.

- Well, I couldn't let
the buffoon go stag.

- Why is that even
a fashion trend?

Like, my pants are
hangin' off my ass.

Don't I scream approachable?

- Low pants are just easy
access to the jackpot.

(Hamilton laughing)

- Never again, man,
I ain't doin' it.

Belts are my savior.

- Think about how
limited you are.

Like, if some true fight
or flight shit jumped off,

what would you do?

- Fall.

(sighing)

- You know what I
want to see though?

A cartoon where
the characters age,

a cartoon where the characters

don't wear the same
outfit every day.

- But that'll take away from
the entire point of a cartoon,

which is to show a universe

in which time and
change don't occur.

- But I feel like
cartoons create

a dishonest viewpoint on life.

- Yeah, that's the very
thing I love about cartoons.

I can temporarily put
a stop to adulting,

and watch an eternal sponge

and his equally eternal
nautical buddies.

Did you know that the
SpongeBob characters

are based off the
seven deadly sins?

There's a BuzzFeed
article about it.

- I don't even know
the seven deadly sins.

What is it, greed, lust,
envy, and whatever else?

- Gluttony, sloth, pride, wrath.

- So the one and only Mr.
Krabs is a greedy son of a gun.

- Correctamundo.

- Sandy is, no, I
know this, pride.

- Ah!

That boy good.

- Plankton will stop at nothing

to get the secret Krabby
Patty formula, envious is he.

- Ooh, call him jelly
'cause he on a roll!

- That comment
lost you any right

to make fun of the
cheesy things I say.

- Uh, my cheesiness
is preplanned.

Yours is authentic.

- You missed my
cheesiness, I know you did.

- No, you right, I could say it.

- All right, what's next?

Wrath, I don't know who that is.

- Yes, you do.

Who is the one person
who's always mad

at everyone and everything?

- Squidward, I
shoulda known that.

Does Squidward really hate
SpongeBob and friends,

or is he just projecting
the hate he has for himself

for being born with
a penis on his face?

- One of life's most
crucial questions.

All right, seriously,
you got three more.

Sloth, lust, and gluttony.

- What the hell is gluttony?

- Excessive eating.

- Patrick.

- Nope.

- But Patrick's a
garbage disposal.

If it's not Patrick, then
it's not Sponge, Gary.

- Yeah, that's like one
of the running jokes.

Don't forget to feed Gary.

I mean, my guy eats like
there's no tomorrow, man.

- So then that leaves
Patrick as sloth.

- Yep.

- Then that means
SpongeBob is lust,

but SpongeBob isn't sexual,
at least, not explicitly.

- Well, lust has more
than one definition.

It isn't just sexual excitement,
it's excitement in general,

and what's SpongeBob's motto?

- I'm ready.

- Exactly!

He's ready for
whatever's in store.

He's ready to take life head-on.

We could all learn a thing
or two from the spongey one.

But seriously, man, why would
you want to see a cartoon

where the characters age?

- (sighing) I don't know.

I guess as I age,

I'm made more aware of how
nothing is everlasting,

and when I watch cartoons,

I wish I was as
indestructible as they are.

- What's this?

Has the positive pony
lost its positivity?

- No, I'm not sad
about anything.

I'm just givin' a
voice to my feelings.

I never paid attention
to change, but now I do,

and I can't not pay
attention to it.

And I'm not even
referring to death.

I just mean that over
the course of our lives,

our minds change, our bodies
change, our interests change.

Our friends change.

Honestly, I never thought
we would be friends

for as long as we were.

- Why?

- Friends outgrow each other.

- Yeah, but some
friendships are ironclad.

Besides, how could I outgrow you

when I signed a
lifetime contract

to star in the Hammy
and Tucker Show, huh?

- That was authentic cheesiness.

- Yeah, well, you're
rubbin' off on me.

What can I say?

- That shirt must be anti-aging

'cause I don't see any wrinkles.

- Oh, no, I gotta put you
in time-out for that one.

Come on, 30 seconds, in
the corner, let's go!

Let's go, come on!

Anti-aging shirt, come
on, man, that's corny.

- So you excited for tonight?

- Do you want to go
back in time-out?

And I'm only going to this

because you talked me into
this shit, and you know it.

- Hammy, this is your
first time back home,

and it's been two years.

Man, having dinner with
your parents won't kill you.

- You really think this is
gonna be a genial evening?

Then I guess you
don't know my parents

as well as I thought you did.

- Hammy, you want to keep
everything in front of you

when it should be behind you.

If they want to make an
effort, why can't you?

- 'Cause a few days of
tenderness doesn't make up

for the years of...

Tuck, my parents are fake,

three-dollar-bill fake.

I'm gonna go to dinner,
and they're gonna act like

it's the best night
of their lives

'cause they don't want
to deal with the shit

that still keeps me up at night.

I mean, I haven't been
back here in two years.

That's pretty damn
alarming, right?

Why do you think
I'm always sayin' no

to their little outings?

I don't want to be
alone with those people.

- Those people?

- Those people.

- I'm not telling you to
forget about what happened.

I'm just saying look at the now.

They're happy to
see you back home.

They want you at their
anniversary party.

Let 'em start over.

- I'm going to dinner with them.

What more do you
want from me, huh?

I coulda just ditched 'em again.

I woulda been perfectly
fine with that, but no.

I'm gonna go, even though
I really don't want to.

I'm gonna sit there
and eat my food,

but I can't promise
anything more than that.

Man, I ironed my shirt for them.

I didn't have to do that.

- Well, the good
deeds aren't done yet.

You still have a speech to
write, the party's tomorrow.

- I don't even want to
write this stupid speech.

- Then you shouldn't
have said yes.

- I didn't say yes,
I said I guess.

- Which is another word for yes.

- I guess.

- So when did you
start wearing burgundy?

- I like burgundy.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You didn't always like burgundy.

Your favorite color was
orange, and nothing else.

You'd wear other colors,
but not burgundy.

You said it was too
similar to purple,

another color you
strongly dislike.

- Jonet thinks I look
good in burgundy.

- Jonet, I knew there was
something behind that.

But see, this is what I
was saying, we change.

I never thought
burgundy would be a part

of the Hamilton fall collection.

- Well, Jonet thinks
I look good in it,

so I gotta, you
know, keep her happy.

- Have you told her about me?

- Never came up.

- Never came up?

I've known you
since we were six.

- I know, I know.

It's just,

look, you are a reflection
of my life before college.

And while I wouldn't
trade any of the time

we spent together, I prefer
to talk about my home life

as little as possible, 'cause
with every good memory,

you can finish the rest.

- I know how you're feeling,
but no amount of anger

is gonna change
anything that happened,

so why are you letting it
mess with you like this?

- You are really
in their corner.

Why?

They hated you!

- I know, but sometimes, you
gotta balance out the hate

with a little love.

- I'm gonna sprinkle some
of that cheese on my pizza.

(laughing)

- You are wrong, and I need
you to know how wrong you are!

- I'm not wrong, Hancock
would win, easily!

- Against Luke Cage?

- Yes, fuck Luke Cage!

Hancock is a god!

- No, Hancock was created,
which means he's not a god!

- Well, he's still a
superior being, okay?

Now, look, Luke Cage will
put up one hell of a fight,

I'll give him that,
but in the end,

Hancock will see to
it that Luke Cage

would not get back up again.

- Luke Cage would always get
back up, he is indestructible.

- And Hancock is
immortal, what you sayin'?

- Isn't that the same
thing as indestructible?

- Yeah.

- So then there's no
point to this argument

because if they're
both unbreakable,

no one would be the victor.

- That's true.

You right.

(Hamilton smacking lips)

- Do you have a
tapeworm or something?

You just ate!

- Well, I didn't realize the
kitchen had a food limit.

I wanted a damn muffin.

- I'm just saying, you're
gonna keep eating food,

and then you won't have
any room for dinner.

- Golly, you're
right, Father Tucker.

(Hamilton smacking lips)

- I prefer Mother
Tucker. (laughing)

- You know, I think
people should be fined

for laughing at their own jokes.

I mean, comedy is supposed
to reach the masses.

If your joke falls flat, you
shouldn't be able to save it

with your own laughter.

You deserve every achin'
moment of silence you get.

- Oh, comedy is not comedy
if the creator can't laugh

at their own material.

- Yeah, but sometimes,
it's not even a joke

that makes the audience laugh.

It's the comedian's goofy giggle

that reaps a comical response.

- And that is the best part.

I love seeing comedians
laugh at their own jokes

because it shows how
much fun they're having.

- I'm just saying, if your
laugh's funnier than your joke,

Houston, we got a problem.

(Hamilton smacking lips)

(Hamilton coughing)

- You okay?

- Yeah, I'm good, just
went down the wrong pipe.

(Hamilton clearing throat)

- (snickering) You say you
don't want to be babied,

but you keep giving me an in.

Don't talk with your mouth full.

- That's what Jonet tells me.

- Well, you should
listen to her. (sighing)

- What a way to go out.

I mean, you eat to survive,

but you're killed
by the very thing

you're usin' for nutrients.

- So what do you like about her?

- Who, Jonet?

- Yeah, I mean, this is
your love bug, right?

- Well, I wouldn't
use those words.

I'd actually never
use those words.

But yeah, she's special.

- What's so special about her?

Mm, that sounded hatery.

I'm just asking, I want
to see what you see.

- Man, can't I just feel
without having to describe

how I'm feeling?

- Of course not, feelings
are meant to be shared.

- You can't even say that
with a straight face.

Look, I don't know.

I like her, you know?

I mean, have you seen her?

She's the mighty Aphrodite.

- Okay, I was
looking for something

not related to her
physical appearance.

- You're putting me on the spot,
what do you want me to say?

- I didn't think I had
to break it down for you.

How 'bout not thinking about
her in terms of her body?

- I don't.

She has a very great
sense of style.

Yes, that's what
I like about her.

I've never seen her in a color

that she doesn't look good in.

- You're still talking
about her looks.

- Tuck, I wish more people
thought like you, I really do,

but the reality is,
looks matter, at least
they do for guys.

- This is what you think?

- This is what I know.

Look, girls can have ugly
boyfriends, ugly husbands,

I'm talkin' blobfish-lookin'
motherfuckers,

and it'll be all
fruits and rainbows.

Guys can't do that, not
without bein' bitched out.

Why do you think so many guys

don't want to claim
their girlfriends

with disagreeable faces?

The only way you can
avoid gettin' flamed

for havin' a ugly girl is
if she got the type of body

that makes you forget
about her face.

- You are too astute to
be talking like this.

Your name is Hamilton.

- I know, I know,

I'm just trying to give
you some perspective.

Look, I know this
is no way to talk.

I know this is no way to think.

But I still fall victim
to putting women's looks

over their more
worthwhile attributes.

I mean, why do you
think I let Jonet use me

in the first place?

She was looking good
as hell that night.

- (sighing) Okay, that's
all well and swell,

but seeing as how you've been
together for, how long now?

- About five months.

- About five months.

You can't hide behind
her pretty face.

What is it about her that
makes you enjoy being together?

It should not take this long!

- You can't put me on the spot

and expect the How Do I
Love Thee soliloquy, damn!

- Have you two even
said the L-word yet?

- Lasagna?
- Hammy!

- Look, we don't have
to say it, all right?

We know how we feel, man.

- What's her favorite color?

- You don't think I know?

- [Tucker] Never said that.

- It's gray.

Wait, I think it's yellow.

Yellow.

- When is her birthday?

- [Hamilton] October.

- But you don't know the date?

- I do, just sometimes get
it mixed up, that's all.

- [Tucker] So when is it?

- I'm not playing
21 Questions, Tuck.

- About five months together,

and you don't know her birthday.

You are a boyfriending fail.

Man, can you tell
me her last name?

- Sarvis.

- Are you sure?

If you and Jonet ever
went on one of those

how-well-do-you-know-your-significant-other
game
shows,

you'da got booed
outta the competition,

and I'd be right there
booin' with everybody else!

- Look, it doesn't
matter how well

we know each other, all right?

What matters is how we connect.

What matters is how much
fun we have together.

What matters is how--

- How pretty she is.

- Tucker, you know you
would be on cloud nine

if you had a dime on your arm.

- I don't care
about the big booty

or the cute face in makeup.

I want to kiss the face
without the makeup.

I want to know the brain
underneath the long wavy hair.

- But think about
walkin' down the street,

beauty on your left,
every guy you walk past

wants to be you,

every girl, jealousy
to the brim.

- Why does it matter what
everyone else thinks?

They are not the ones
in the relationship.

- You're only sayin' that
because you never dealt

with a stone-cold fox.

- A stone-cold fox?

Did we suddenly
teleport to 1978?

- Man, you know what I'm sayin'!

The girl is America's
Next Top Model bad.

Everyone who sees her is
dumbfounded by how fine she is!

Man, I got guys comin'
up to me on campus

shakin' my hand, Tuck.

Like, "How did you get
a girl like Jonet?"

- You talk about her
like she's a prize trout.

- She is, and I pulled her
in all by my lonesome, baby.

(Tucker sighing)

- You know what I
haven't seen in a while?

- [Hamilton] What?

- The Zimmy Zam Dance.

- Oh, no, I have
permanently resigned

from doing the Zimmy Zam Dance.

- But you used to
do it all the time.

- Which is why I have
permanently resigned

from doing the Zimmy Zam Dance.

Look, once upon a
time, I didn't care

how stupid I looked
to those around me.

No longer.

- But that is the Hamilton
that needs to make a cameo.

- No, that Hamilton
has been buried alive.

- Well, I think an
excavation is in order.

Come on, it's been two years!

You owe me the Zimmy Zam Dance.

- I don't owe you anything.

- But I'm Tucker.

- And I'm Hamilton,
nice to meet you.

Now, come on, don't
leave me hangin'.

- [Both] Ay!

- Listen, if I would
have known how classic

the Zimmy Zam Dance
would have been,

I would have recorded
it for my Hamilton vault

for every time I needed my fix.

I don't have that,
so the only option

is a passionate recreation.

- Permanently resigned.

Burn that in your head.

- Okay, what if I win my right

to see the Zimmy Zam Dance?

- How would you do that?

- I don't know, make
me do something.

- All right.

If you want me to
forfeit my rectitude,

you must say every country
in Africa in 15 seconds.

- That's...

Okay.

- Okay?

- Game on.

- Silly, silly wabbit.

All right, your time starts

now.

- Every country in Africa.

- The hell is that?

- You said say every
country in Africa,

not name every
country in Africa.

- Swindle.

- That's what happens
when you're not specific.

- (sighing deeply) You're
really gonna make me do

this stupid dance?

- The Zimmy Zam Dance
has raised me up

so that I could
stand on mountains.

I need you to realize that.

♪ Gettin' on the dance floor

♪ Yeah, gettin' on
the dance floor ♪

♪ Yeah, hold up

♪ Party all night, huh

♪ Bad ones in the spot
with the price, huh ♪

♪ Havin' fun, slip
me with the ice on ♪

♪ Chained up like a nigger,
turn the lights on, hold up ♪

♪ I'm a young icon, spoken
loud, is the mic on ♪

♪ Yeah, loud, if you
be gettin' sight on ♪

♪ Go wow

♪ Gettin' Zimmy Zam, y'all

♪ Yeah, even just a light one

♪ Time to work all night
till the night gone ♪

♪ All my niggers in the spot,
yeah, we be tryin' to bop ♪

♪ With a pretty young thing,
that's Prego, hold up ♪

♪ Baby, got the sauce, she
could be the breadwinner ♪

♪ She could be the boss
(Tucker clapping)

- Encore, encore!

- Hey, only if
you do it with me.

- I thought you'd never
ask, sweet cheeks.

♪ Gettin' Zimmy Zam, y'all

♪ Got the bartender on call

♪ Whole first round on y'all

♪ Only hang with
niggers that solid ♪

♪ Zimmy Zam, hold up

♪ Got a good time on call

♪ Ain't nobody
bringin' us down ♪

♪ Everybody here get down,
everybody here get down ♪

♪ Gettin' Zimmy Zam, y'all

♪ Young with the flavor

- You know what
annihilated my soul?

None of my friends
have heard of Taina.

- If you excuse me, I'm
gonna go cry in a corner.

- I couldn't believe it.

At first I thought maybe
it was a temporary blank,

so I gave 'em a Taina synopsis,

and they still didn't know
what I was talkin' about.

- How do you forget Taina,
the talented young woman

that couldn't wait to
see her name in lights?

- I showed 'em three episodes,

and they were dead-faced
the entire time.

- You don't know pain
until you know the feeling

of showing someone
a video you love,

only to have them stare
at the screen blankly,

not even trying to hide
how unamused they are.

- It cuts like a machete.

(Tucker laughing)

- I remember all those letters
you wrote to Nickelodeon,

trying to get them
to bring Taina back.

- (laughing) Yo, I don't think
there's anyone more confident

than a child under
the age of 10.

I mean, six-year-old
me really thought

that my poorly-written
letter had enough power

to affect a major network's
television line-up.

- What I think was funnier

is that you didn't
even write an address.

You just wrote
Nickelodeon in all caps,

no stamp, no return address.

(Hamilton laughing)

You were somethin'
else, Lieutenant.

- Yeah.

You know, I'm glad we can still
watch Taina episodes online,

but it'll always be bittersweet.

I mean, that show should
never have been canceled.

It was popular, a majority of
the cast were people of color.

It was just all-around fun.

- Didn't they cancel
it 'cause they said

it only appealed to girls?

- That is eye wash.

You got two non-female
fans right here.

- Even though it's
been, what, 16 years,

the twinge is still fresh.

I think true closure can only
come from a Taina eulogy.

Let us bow our heads.

Taina!

You were a TV show
like no other.

- Yes.

- A zesty comedy, you were,
a wholesome comedy you were!

You taught us that no
strength can compare

to the strength one
feels in the presence

of friends and family!

- Yes, Lord!

- You showed us that a
young woman with talent,

drive, and smarts
can run the world!

♪ You know I can't wait to see

- Taina, you were
one of the best shows

to come out of the
Nickelodeon camp,

and you were canceled
after a measly two seasons,

only to be completely rehashed
and called Victorious.

- [Hamilton] Get 'em, Tuck.

- Taina, you will
never be forgotton.

- Never.

- I hope you are havin'
the time of your life

in sitcom heaven.

- Yes.

- Love, Tuck and Hammy.

(Tucker exhaling dramatically)

- That was silky.

- Mm-hmm.

There is only one
way to conclude this.

We need to watch some Taina.

- You had me at Taina.

- [Both] Ay!

(pensive music)

- If there's one
thing I can do without

when it comes to the internet,

it's these online commercials.

- I could do without the
spam or the snuff films too.

- Yeah, well, of course, but
you know what I'm saying.

We go online to
avoid the commercials

that run amuck on
our televisions,

but now the internet does
the exact same thing,

even YouTube.

That was created so that
regular people like you and me

could watch and share
videos with like-minds.

Now it's all commercialized.

I can't even watch a
video of a dancing baby

without having to
sit through a minute

of mandatory promotions.

You can't even skip
the ads anymore.

- I'd have a better attitude
if there was some variety,

but instead, they put
the same two or three ads

back to back to back.

It just makes me want
to get in a plane

and fly it right into the sun.

(cell phone vibrating)

(Hamilton sighing)

(cell phone vibrating)

- Hello?

Oh, I don't know.

No, no, blue's fine.

No, black or blue is fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Bye.

- Who was that?

- Faith.

- You mean your mom.

- She's buying me
a Mallrats shirt.

- I see you can barely
hide your excitement.

You love Kevin Smith.

- So?

I can buy my own Mallrats shirt.

- But she is thinking of you.

- She's not doing this for me.

She's doing this for herself.

- (sighing) If she wants to
do something nice, let her.

- I am.

Did I fight her?

No.

- You didn't thank her either.

- Are you gonna keep doin' this?

- Doing what?

Are we gonna finish the video?

(floorboards creaking)

(approaching footfalls)

You know you can come in, right?

(sighing deeply) Hammy,
how do you come home

and not step foot in
the room you grew up in?

- Don't ask a question you
already know the answer to.

- You will not let anything go.

- Why should I?

- They are not the same people.

- They'll always
be the same people.

It don't matter how
big they smile at me,

how tight they hug me, how many
fucking shirts they buy me,

I'll always see what they
don't want me to see.

You know how many times I
locked myself in this room?

Tuck, I love your positivity,

but I just can't forgive
'cause you tell me to.

This isn't one mistake.

This is years of mistakes.

Would you lock your child
in the car for six hours?

Answer me, man!
- No.

- So why is it okay
for her to do it?

I was eight years old!

- It wasn't okay.

- All right, then, so
here's the Weekend Update.

None of this shit is
water under the bridge.

Now, I know I might have
been unruly that day.

What eight-year-old
isn't, right?

But no one can tell
me I deserved that.

She took me to the garage,

threw me in the car,
locked it, went inside,

and turned the lights out.

I had to go to the bathroom,
(child crying)

but of course, I had no way
out, so I peed on myself.

When Faith came outside
and saw what I did,

she beat the shit out of me.

(child crying)

She made me clean
the entire backseat.

When I finally went back inside,

she was sittin' in the
living room watching TV.

Didn't even say a word to me.

This is why I won't
step foot in here.

This is why I'd much rather
sleep on the couch downstairs.

You remember when
I busted my head?

I had to go around
tellin' everybody

I hurt myself rollerskating.

I couldn't tell 'em
that I kept gettin'

those math problems wrong,
and Faith thought slammin'

my head into the table
was a rational response.

And Kingston, he
ain't no better.

He just sat there.

Well, no.

He cleaned up the blood.

I came back up here after
I left the hospital,

and I cried so hard, I had
to sleep on a wet pillow.

So if you want to
have a party in here,

have a blast.

♪ Real friends

♪ Yes, yes, yes, yes

♪ Real friends

- You don't even like football.

- I don't, but I'd
give my life savings

to watch a football game

between the DC and
Marvel superheroes,

if for no other reason
than to prove to you

that Marvel would pulverize DC.

- Okay, just because
Marvel movies

have a better track record,

that doesn't make the DC
heroes themselves shoddy.

- All right, give
me your lineup.

- Well, Superman can
do everything, we
already know that,

but I'd make him my QB.

Flash would be my running back,

Shazam would be my fullback,

Cyborg would be my tight end,

and we'll make Wonder
Woman my wide receiver.

- That's a cute little team,

but I have some heavy
hitters of my own.

I'm goin' Thor for QB.

- You think Thor
can take Superman?

- Thor's a god.

- Superman is an alien
with godly abilities.

- Quicksilver is
my running back.

The Hulk is my fullback.

The Thing is my tight end,

and Spidey's my wide receiver.

I mean, you got a little
brawn on your team,

but I got brawn and athleticism.

- Get over yourself.

Superman can take
all five of them

and be at home on time
for dinner with Martha.

- (gasping) Martha!

Martha! (laughing)

- [Tucker] (sighing) I
wish I had superpowers.

- I feel like that's
a universal wish.

What superpowers would you have?

- Mm, it's a tie between heat
vision and super strength,

but I think I'ma go
with super strength.

- I'd have mind control.

That way, I can make anyone
do whatever I wanted.

Like, I'd make sure
that Kingston and Faith

treated me like I
meant something.

If only, right?

- (sighing) Yeah.

- Man, I never told you this,

but I'm really happy I
had you in my corner.

- I'm happy to be there, man.

Nobody should ever have
to experience that,

especially not a kid.

- I couldn't even tell on 'em.

They were so good at
parading around town

like the faultless Youngs,

I didn't think anybody
would ever believe me.

And I know I probably shoulda
said something anyway, but.

I still don't know why
this anniversary party

is even necessary.

Like, all these friends, they
can't wait to celebrate with?

They don't even like them.

This life they always wanted?

They don't even want it.

Kingston didn't even
want to marry Faith.

- He told you that?

- He did, very simply.

I mean, you saw Kingston.

When he wasn't with Faith,
he was a different person.

And I'm not trying
to go easy on him,

he's still a piss-poor parent,

but I definitely
preferred him over Faith.

He told me one time, I guess
he was trying to make peace,

or whatever, but he told me
that he never really wanted

to marry Faith.

The girl he really wanted
left him for another woman.

Kingston didn't want to be
alone, that was his big thing.

So he started datin'
around until he decided

to stick it out with Faith.

I also learned I was an
accident, did I tell you that?

Yeah.

Kingston said he and Faith
never really wanted kids,

and because he looked at
her more like an accessory,

I know I wasn't
conceived from love.

Plus, not too many
people wait 15 years

to have their first kid.

- Look, despite the
state of affairs,

the birth of a child
is always a gift.

Your parents weren't
lookin' to have a family,

but they had you anyway.

- I wish they hadn't.

- How tall is Jonet?

- Why?

- She just looked really tall
in the photo you showed me.

- She's six feet exactly.

- Mm, got you a tall one.

(Hamilton laughing softly)

Wait, what happened
to no tall girls?

- Boy, that was high
school Hamilton.

College Hamilton is much
more forward-thinking.

- Yeah, pretty face
or you're a disgrace.

Really forward thinking.

- Man, some betterment is
better than no betterment.

If I woulda met
Jonet pre-college,

I wouldn't have talked to her.

- What was your gripe against
tall girls? You never told me.

- I just felt like a tall
girl with a short guy

was very disproportionate,

like havin' a second toe that
was bigger than your big toe.

It just doesn't look right.

- That's actually
called Morton's toe,
and it's very common.

- Well, not to me.

But again, this is
how I used to think.

And I wasn't even trying to
make it a battle of the sexes.

The woman could be smarter
and more successful

than her boyfriend or husband,

but he still had to be taller.

It made me uncomfortable.

So uncomfortable seein' a
short guy with a tall woman.

It was like seein' a mother
with her child go for a walk.

But I've since revamped
my line of thinking.

- I'm delighted to know you've
seen the error of your ways.

But now, we just gotta get you

to pick personality
over physique!

(Hamilton sighing)

- I can see you're never
gonna move on from this.

- No.

- So since you're dying to hear

some from-the-heart
what-a-nice-guy-type shit,

I like Jonet because
she's tenacious.

She's sharp as a
fuckin' samurai sword,

and she has a sense
of self so strong,

it's hard to see her as
anything other than a leader.

That's real, with a capital R.

- That's my Hammy.

Good to see you again.

- (sighing) Tucker,
Tucker Tucker.

If we were talkin' visual style,
that would go to Tarantino.

Kevin Smith would
be the first to mock

his own directorial eye, but
when it comes to writing,

Kev-Kev is much better, man.

His dialogue is RAS,
realistic as shit.

- Kev-Kev?

I love how you and a
man you have never met

are on a nickname basis.

Look, Kevin Smith's dialogue
may be plenty of things,

funny, raunchy,
over-long, touching,

but never would I
call it realistic.

- And Tarantino's is?

Look, I don't know
a lotta hitmen,

but I doubt a conversation
about Royales with cheese

before blowing some brains
out is true to life.

- Well, like you said,
you don't know any hitmen,

so you don't know what
the hell they talk about.

- Listen, I think
what Tarantino does

is create superficially
realistic dialogue.

Upon first listen,
you're bewitched

by what sounds like
real people talking,

but the more you listen,
the more you realize

you're not listening
to real people.

You're listening to
well-crafted dialogue

written by someone who
loves to hear themself talk.

- Uh, if anyone loves
to hear themselves talk,

it's Kevin Smith.

- But you know what else though?

I watched Clerks
and Chasing Amy,

and I see characters I'd hang
out with if they were real.

I hear conversations I
have with my friends.

I know what it's
like to slack off,

I know what it's like to spend
an ungodly amount of time

with your best friend.

You're the Randal to my
Dante, I did say that.

- Oh, after my heart, you are!

Look, I'm just saying, I'd
watch Tarantino characters

sit in a room and
watch paint dry

if it meant they'd kill time
with some incredible exchanges.

Look at any budding
writer-director

and tell me they're not trying
to sound like Tarantino.

- And if they're not trying
to sound like Tarantino,

they're trying to
sound like Kevin Smith.

Man, who am I kidding?

They're both fuckin' brilliant.

Kevin Smith is better though.

- I think you meant
to say Tarantino.

- Kevin Smith.
- Tarantino.

- Kevin Smith!

At least he doesn't
have an N-word fetish.

- Freedom of speech, BlackBerry.

Although that dead
nigger storage bit,

very cringey.

Actually, the
cringiness increases

each time I re-watch
Pulp Fiction.

- How did Jules let that slide?

- Mm-mm, I couldn't do that.

See, what Tarantino
failed to realize

is that dead nigger storage
will never sound informal

coming out of a
white guy's mouth.

- Oh, no, it's just
fuckin' racist. (laughing)

We just sittin' here talkin'
'bout how Kevin Smith

and Tarantino love to hear
themselves talk, but look at us.

We can't shut the
fuck up for nothin'.

- No, you cannot shut
the fuck up for nothing.

God!

Look, I'm gonna step on the
hoverboard of honesty right now.

If the Hammy and Tucker
Show were a real TV show,

I wouldn't watch.

- I'd watch it, but
only to make fun of

how pretentious it is.

- Um, I'm sorry, can we
slide backwards for a second?

You wrote an essay
comparing your mom

to one of Shakespeare's
greatest villains?

- Yeah.

Now, Kingston and Faith
weren't full-on murderous,

but as far as villains
go, the pants fit.

Kingston took pride in
being the man of the house,

and Faith was the
fly in his ear.

Remember that time
I had to sit there

and drink that cup of detergent?

I don't even
remember what I did.

I think I lied about
something, I don't know.

And Kingston wore me out
with the belt already,

but Faith had to get involved,

just like Lady Macbeth
would get involved

with Macbeth's affairs.

And she'd always take
it three steps too far.

I mean, you were there.

I'd get punished twice as hard

just because Faith had
to have the last word.

After a while, Kingston
didn't even bother

with the punishments.

He just left 'em all to her.

In my conclusion, I talked
about how the main difference

between Lady Macbeth and Faith

was that Lady Macbeth actually
felt guilty after a while.

Even Kingston showed
some contrition.

He never said,
"Hamilton, I'm sorry,"

but he did say that
if he could press

a re-do button, he would've.

Faith just.

Once I graduated high school,
I guess she just got tired

of killin' my spirit.

She probably figured,
since I graduated

and got into a good college,

that I wasn't as
worthless as she thought.

But rather than
acknowledge the bad,

she just never brought it up.

Outta sight, outta mind.

- Maybe this new attitude
and new generosity

is an apology in and of itself.

- But I don't need
her generosity.

I need her to
apologize, and mean it.

But that'll never happen.

While I was at school, I had
a few conversations with her

on the phone.

And I tried to
bring up the past,

but it was like I was
speakin' a different language.

I even tried to talk to
her since I've been here,

but she either
changes the subject,

or throws her money at me.

- She's guilty. She
wouldn't know what to say,

even if you did have a
sit-down talk about everything.

- We could figure
that out as we go.

She won't even make an effort.

And that's why I can't
wait to get outta here.

(match striking)

(flame sizzling)

- When did calling girls
guys become the standard?

- What do you mean?

- Like, say you see a
group of your girl friends

in the hallway.

What do you say?

What's up, guys?

- [Hamilton] Oh,
yeah, I've done that.

- Why though?

Why call 'em guys
if they're girls?

- Just a habit, I guess.

But I mean, when you
use guys in that way,

it doesn't mean actual males.

It's a unisex title.

- But you wouldn't go up to
a group of your guy friends

and say what's up, ladies,

unless you were trying
to emasculate them,

but you'd never say
ladies earnestly.

- No.

- It's like you
showed me earlier,

guys can be molested
and made uncomfortable

by physical gestures,

so why can't those same
guys have enough deference

to recognize women as women?

It'd be one thing if the
words guys and ladies

were used indistinguishably,
but that's not what's goin' on.

- I'm goin' to try
to stop doin' that.

Thank you.

- You know what we haven't
done in a long time?

- What?

- Think about it.

Take a second.

- [Both] Ding!

(audience applauding)

(audience applauding)

(tennis ball bouncing)

(tennis ball smacking loudly)
(shoes squeaking on court)

(loud grunting)

(audience cheering
and applauding)

(Hamilton hooting)

- [Announcer] 15-14.

(audience clapping)

- So you ready to graduate?

- I'm ready to say I
made it through college,

but I'm not ready
to adult full-time.

- You are.

- Says you.

- No.

I mean, unlike some people
who live their lives

as if being an adult
is some horrid curse,

there's this
brightness about you.

And you probably don't let
it show as much as you could,

or should, but it's there,

and I think it's gonna
make you a kickass teacher.

Like, so unforgettable
that you'll be thanked

in someone's Nobel
Peace Prize speech.

- What if there's
someone like me,

some kid living in
a nightmare house,

but doesn't want to tell anyone?

What if they hurt in
places I can't see?

By God's grace, I'm
still true and living,

but what if one of my
kids isn't so lucky?

- Your fears are understandable,

but you can't let something
that hasn't happened yet,

if it even will happen, stop
you from becoming the teacher

that people write songs about.

♪ Mr. Young

♪ Shines like the sun

♪ A man we love

♪ A man of fun

You know, it needs some work.
- A lot of work.

- Okay.

If there's one thing that
keeps me up at night,

it's the question of
why dogs hate mailmen.

- Maybe it's an ancient grudge,

like the Montagues
and the Capulets.

- I mean, I know
dogs are territorial.

They see a strange person
coming up to their front door,

they don't like it.

But with unfamiliar faces
that aren't mailmen,

the barking and the
aggression die down.

But with mailmen, it's just
hate to the 10th power.

- But I think those
other unfamiliar faces,

they're not poppin'
up every day.

Maybe the dog feels taunted.

Like, who is this person in blue

havin' their way
with my mailbox?

I'd be jittery too.

- Or what if it's
not even jitters?

It's just a compulsive thing,

like I've been predatorily
barking at you all this time,

might as well keep going.

Hey, tell me more about
that Matt James thing.

- Oh, yeah.

So I think this fan
wouldn't leave him alone,

so he snapped and
broke the lady's phone.

- I can't see Matt James doing
that, he's so happy-go-lucky.

- Yeah, everyone has
a breaking point.

- So what's gonna happen?

- Well, I know he
has to go to court,

but what are they gonna
do to a movie star?

He's gonna get charged
with a misdemeanor,

and buy the lady a new phone.

- He can buy her,
like, 50 phones.

- All with insurance.

Oh, but I was reading online,
and people are tearing him up.

"Don't bite the
hand that feeds you!

"It was just a stupid
autograph, get over yourself!"

- I mean, he should've
just signed the autograph.

- Why?

- Because the fans did make him.

Their butts are in the seats,

their money paid
for his 12 cars.

It takes all but three
seconds to put a smile on

and sign some shit.

- But he doesn't owe
anyone his autograph.

His rep said he's been
havin' family issues,

and he hasn't been in
the friendliest of moods.

- I'm very sorry to hear that,
but what does that have to do

with respecting your fans?

- Well, if you're
goin' through shit,

you can't just perk up and
take a selfie with strangers.

- He's an actor,
I'm sure he doesn't

feel like going to set every
day, but he perks up for that.

- That's different,
he's under contract

and he's getting paid.

- I just think celebrities
shouldn't take their anger

out on their fans.

If the customer's always
right, so is the fan.

- But you don't even
know the situation.

What if the woman
was being pushy?

If someone's already
in a bad mood,

you can't poke the
bear and not expect

to have a piece of
your leg ripped off.

- But it's like this, look
at college tour guides.

I'm sure they get asked
the exact same question

3,500 times a day, but the
pedestrians don't know that.

Therefore, they don't
deserve a peevish response.

I'm sure this fan had no idea

what Matt James
is going through,

and I'm sure people pester him
for autographs all the time,

but what does that have
to do with the lady?

- Look, he definitely didn't
need to damage her property,

but he's only human.

He messes up just
like we mess up.

- Oh, my God, if you were
being paid 10 million dollars,

after taxes, to stand
in front of a camera

and rattle off some lines, you
are not human just like us.

Lucky Charms are not the
greatest cereal in creation.

- Then what is?

And if you say Cheerios,
so help me God.

- I was not gonna say Cheerios,

I was gonna say
Honey Nut Cheerios.

- Man, that's an
old people cereal!

You might as well
have said Raisin Bran!

- You are not gonna make
me feel like an oddball

for liking a healthier cereal.

- Healthy my foot!

Honey Nut Cheerios
and Lucky Charms

have the same amount
of sugariness.

You're just as confused
as those old people

who think Honey Nut
Cheerios is gonna help them

lower their cholesterol.

Man, not in this lifetime.

- If you noticed, I said
healthier, not healthy.

- You used to make
me so mad, man.

I'd have my bowl
of Lucky Charms,

and you'd be in the corner

with those damn
Honey Nut Cheerios.

- I have never eaten
cereal in a corner,

that is a false report.

Also, Honey Nut Cheerios is
America's best-selling cereal.

- Hogwash.

Now, I'll admit, I
don't eat the Charms

as much as I used
to, but when I do,

I feel on top of the world.

- I remember walking
down the cereal aisle

at Smart & Final
not too long ago,

and I was horrified
at what I was seeing.

The cereal mascots
look like junkies!

I would never let
my kids eat cereal

recommended by freaks like that!

Are you serious?

They're after me Lucky
Charms is just slang

for they're after me LSD!

- They were not druggies.

- They were addicts,
and they were trying

to pass that addiction on to
the little whippersnappers!

- (laughing) Look, I
can't say anything bad

about sugary cereals or the
sugary cereal representatives

that became the zeitgeist
of childhood goodies,

but what I did have a problem
with, like a huge problem,

were those damn Fruit
Gusher commercials.

You remember those?

- Yeah, you eat a Fruit Gusher,

and then your head turns
into a giant piece of fruit!

- [Hamilton] Yup.

- (sighing) I tried damn hard
to forget those commercials,

but they're just
parked right here.

- I didn't get the marketing
justification behind that.

Like, even as a child, I
didn't see anything desirable

about having a giant
strawberry for a head.

- And then there's the
unanswered question

of what happens to
those kids in life.

Do their heads stay disfigured?

Do they now have to adapt to
having an enormous blueberry

where their face once was?

How did their friends
and family react?

How do they fit into T-shirts?

- You need to get
yourself together.

- It's all right.

One, two, three, four, five,
one, two, three, four, five.

(cell phone vibrating)

Your mom again?

(cell phone vibrating)

- No.

- Your dad?

(cell phone vibrating)

Who is it?

- Jonet.

- Jonet calls and you're not
racing to pick up the phone?

- I can talk to her later.

- Why don't you
want to talk to her?

- Tuck, I'll do
the Zimmy Zam Dance

if we can stop
talking about this.

- We've already done
the Zimmy Zam Dance.

I don't want the audience to
say it's overkill, come on.

- Tuck!

- Wait a minute.

All day, you've been talking
about how fantastic Jonet is,

and now you don't
want to talk to her.

Do you want me to follow
you around the whole house?

'Cause I will.

- I haven't spoken to
Jonet in two weeks.

- Why?

- Because, 'cause her ex
is back in the picture.

- What?

- He wants to get back
together, and so does she.

She told me she needed time to
figure things out with them,

but I know they're
gonna get back together.

I know that's why she's callin',

and I don't want
to listen to that.

- I thought you two were good.
- Me and Jonet are,

she just needed someone to
get her mind off her ex,

and I was her guy.
- Fuck her!

- No, no, she never
made any promises.

Look, I knew this
wouldn't be permanent.

- So were you two
friends with benefits?

- I don't know
what I was to her,

but I know what she was to me.

Look, I'm just happy I could say

she's somebody I used to see.

- Hammy, I don't care
if she was molded

from the clouds of heaven!

You cannot let her
treat you like this!

- It's kinda too late!

But it wasn't like I
was in the friend zone.

I mean, we had sex, we hung out,

people knew she was my girl.

- But she wasn't!

She used you, and
you put up with it!

(cell phone vibrating)

- She's calling again.

- Just answer it.

(cell phone vibrating)

(heart beating loudly)

So your arm.

- What about it?

- I was waiting for
you to say something.

- What do you want me to say?

- So you're still doing it?

- It's the first time I
did it in a long time.

It was after Jonet ghosted me.

The only person I wanted
to talk to was you,

but since you weren't
there, I don't know.

I had another coping strategy.

- I woulda been there
if you needed me.

- You've gotten me through
enough afflictions.

You shouldn't have
to be on speed dial

every time shit goes south.

- Why not?

I'll help you more
than a fuckin' razor!

- Look, it's not like I'm
slicing my wrists open.

It's just a little nick.

But I'd rather think
about the pain in my arm

than think about Jonet
rolling around in the sand

with her ex.

I wasn't even a rebound.

I was the towel you use
before the game even starts.

- Why'd you even do
that to yourself?

- 'Cause I liked her.

- You didn't like her!

You liked what she
represented, forbidden fruit,

the girl you always
pined for in high school,

the girl you always walked
past in the hallway,

just hoping she'd make
eye contact with you,

even if it was accidental,

the girl you always saw
run off with the chumps,

and never realized
how good they had it.

- Well, history's
repeating itself,

'cause she just ran
off with the chump

that never realized
how good he had it.

Tuck, I know I shouldn't
have messed around with her,

but I guess I was hoping we'd
spend enough time together,

and she'd see I was
the better choice.

- Hammy, I knew you're
not feeling so hot,

but you didn't
lose a girlfriend.

You lost a pipe dream.

Jonet can suck a cactus.

- Jonet can suck a cactus.

- Holler if you hear me.

- Jonet can suck a cactus,

with her cute ass.

I like that.

- [Both] Ay!

- What are you thinking about?

(floorboards creaking)

(approaching footfalls)

- Before you go
opening your flap,

I'm still sleeping downstairs.

But I don't know, I guess I'm
trying to think more like you.

I felt like shit in here,
but this was also a place

where I could come to get
away from Kingston and Faith,

a place where we could be kids.

- Not that I'm complaining,
but what sparked this?

- I don't know.

- Horrible answer.

You call that a character arc?

- If you went to
a fortune teller,

and she told you she knew
when and how you die,

would you let her tell you?

- I thought we were
keeping things light.

- It's just a question.

- A depressing question.

- I'd let her tell me.

- But that takes
the fun outta life.

- No, I think that
makes life more fun.

Like, I'd know how
much time I've got.

Now I can do all the
things I ever wanted,

be with the people
who deserve my time,

and I'd never be scared
'cause I'd know the ending

of my story.

- Mm-mm, I wouldn't wanna know.

I feel like if I did, I'd
never be able to enjoy anything

'cause I'd just be
counting down the day

until it's all over.

You can't keep hurting yourself.

- I know.

- You know?

But are you gonna stop?

- I don't want to lie to you.

I don't know, I don't
know how I'ma feel

once I get back to school.

I don't know if I'ma
see something stupid

that reminds me of Jonet,
I don't know anything.

Thought I was done with this
shit after the last time.

- If that's how
you're gonna act,

then you need to get some help.

If you don't want me
coming down there,

if you want to handle
this on your own,

you can't turn to self harm.

Would you want me
doing that to myself?

- Man, don't even ask me that!

- Well, I could
do without seein'

the cuts on your arms then!

You really gotta try, okay?

If you can't do it on your
own, then talk to someone!

It'll help more than you think.

- So now I gotta be
one of those people,

visiting the shrink for
my weekly breakdown?

Yeah, sign me up.

- What's with the snarky shit?

Like, counseling is beneath you?

Get over yourself!

I wish I could find
whoever started this wave

of demonizing those
in need of therapy

so I could give 'em an
ultimate purple nurple!

(sighing deeply) But
no, listen to me,

seeing a counselor does not
make you crazy, all right?

It makes you smart.

(Tucker sighing)

Are you really gonna
look at my hand

and not give me some dab?

Colder than Mr. Freeze,
man. (clearing throat)

- [Both] Ay.

- So, since you're
covering some new ground,

you want to try workin' on
your parents' speech again?

- Man, why don't you write it?

You're the orator of the group.

- They're not my
parents, they're yours!

Look, I know they
don't deserve a speech

celebratin' their marriage.

I know they were awful to you
and they should be in jail,

but they're not!

Look, (sighing)
Will Smith once said

hate in your heart
will consume you too.

- Did you really just
pull out Will Smith on me?

- It was suitable.

Look, I think your parents
will have a nice spot

in hell's VIP, but
that does not mean

you can't make peace with them.

Now look, if you
want to cut them

outta your life
completely, I support that,

but you still talk to 'em,

you still let them pay for
your education and housing.

You agreed to come here,

you agreed to write
a speech for them.

Whether it's fake or not,

you like this side
of your parents.

They're Kingston
and Faith to me,

but it's Mom and Dad
when they're around.

I am not saying you three
gotta bake Christmas cookies

and knit sweaters, but if
they wanna spoil you, let 'em!

If they want you to
write a speech, do it!

Tomorrow, you get free
food, free alcohol,

and you get to look sleek!

And I never said the speech
had to come from the heart!

- What happened to
Tuck the Sincere?

- Hammy, your parents
can suck a cactus too,

but they did create you,
so I can't hate them fully.

- Yes, you can.

You think it's still here?

- What?

- Right where I left it.

I was lookin'
through this the day

before I left for college.

Man, my handwritin'
was pig slop.

- Mm, no, your
handwriting is pig slop.

(paper thudding softly)

- Oh, shit!

- What is it?

- My Friend, Tucker by
Hamilton Young, grade two.

- I remember that.

- When I'm sad,
he makes me glad.

When I'm mad, he
says that's bad.

We play games, we have fun.

I love him more than anyone.

He makes me laugh,
I make him laugh.

I'm a rhino, he's a giraffe.

You can't see him,
but he's real to me,

bestest friends forever,
Tucker and Hammy.

Are we getting
emotional right now?

Yeah, okay, you gettin'
soft in your old age, Tuck.

Come on.

Just come on.

♪ Real friends

♪ Yes, yes, yes, yes

♪ Real friends

♪ We gonna laugh,
we gonna fight ♪

♪ We gonna smile, we gonna cry

♪ We will get through
the night together ♪

♪ We gonna laugh,
we gonna fight ♪

♪ We gonna smile, we gonna cry

♪ We will get through
the night together ♪

♪ Imagine that, imagine me

♪ Another friend,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I know your pain,
I know your needs ♪

♪ I understand

♪ If you have an
issue, tell a friend ♪

♪ Haven't seen you in a
minute, where you been at ♪

♪ Thinkin' of our childhood,
I reminisce a lot ♪

♪ I think of us, when we would
talk, things I miss a lot ♪

♪ I know you're broken from
the past, I can fix a lot ♪

♪ Went to school, now you're
back with a thicker plot ♪

♪ Pretty faces on your mind,
you need some thicker thoughts ♪

♪ Fall in love with how she
gives, not for what she got ♪

♪ Scars on your arm,
scars in your heart ♪

♪ Got the stitches when
it all falls apart ♪

♪ Faith in the light,
faith in the dark ♪

♪ Never finish, only
back to the start ♪

♪ We gonna laugh,
we gonna fight ♪

♪ We gonna smile, we gonna cry

♪ We will get through
the night together ♪

♪ We gonna laugh,
we gonna fight ♪

♪ We gonna smile, we gonna cry

♪ We will get through
the night together ♪

♪ You've been fighting for a
while, I know you're tired now ♪

♪ Trauma wasn't in your plans