My First Mister (2001) - full transcript
Jennifer does not fit in. A total misfit, she's as wacky as a teenager can be. Goth-ed out with multiple piercings, tattoos, and dyed hair, she listens to strange music, watches vintage TV, eats primarily chocolate, and self injures. But now high school is over and she needs a job. Can she possibly have anything in common with the overweight middle-aged man in the haberdashery window? He gives her a job, not to mention a real friendship.
* she's a disconnected *
* child *
"red rain.
"death touched her lips as
she kissed her lover good-bye.
"she tried not to touch
his skin, knowing
the coldness would chill her.
"as it was,
"she still hadn't cried,
"nor had she decided
who was in the better position.
the end."
I wrote that.
I'm a fucking poet.
and when I'm not writing poems,
I'm writing eulogies.
mine.
* she's my weekend lover *
* don't get left behind *
* she'll feel bad tomorrow *
* that's another time *
* let's do this together *
* I'm sure that it's fine *
* we'll feel bad tomorrow *
* that's another time *
* she's a disconnected *
* child *
* disconnected *
oh, yeah ? oh, yeah ?
yeah ! yeah !
- oh, yeah ? oh, yeah ?
- yeah ! yeah !
my mother,
a Shirley Partridge wannabe,
would like for me
to go to dental school.
I just can't imagine
spending every day dealing
with other people's spit.
somehow, I just don't think
I'm the type.
* she's been on my mind **
I think it's just horrible,
the amount of confusion
and angst
that we teenage girls
have to endure
regarding our apparel.
I mean,
it takes a lot of time
to mix and match.
I think every girl
should be provided--
so, I'm sitting in
creative writing class
surrounded by alien creatures
with pretentious names
like Ashley and Cody.
hi.
I'm not really into people.
anyway, I think that
if everyone just drove
the same car,
that it would put an end
to, like, envy and jealousy
and carjackings.
all right, Ash.
thank you.
okay, uh, Ashley.
thank you.
let's see who's next.
uh...
Jennifer Wilson.
my parents named me
Jennifer Anne Wilson.
my middle name is because
someone is dead.
I don't really have
a passion for the name Jennifer,
so I refer to myself as J.
I don't think of myself as
a teenage girl or a woman.
I'm just the opposite
of a boy.
J ? your bio was cool.
it moved me.
you look like you should be
one of those new cool VJs
they just get off the street
on mtv.
you totally rock.
you know,
if I brought you home,
my mom might hemorrhage.
um, do-do you wanna
maybe go have sushI ?
I'm a lesbian.
I'm okay with that.
once, when I was 14,
I thought I was a lesbian.
the question of my generation:
to dive...
or not to dive.
but this one day
my mom took me to her gym,
and she stuck me
in the steam room
with a bunch of women
posing as elephants.
cured me of doubt.
now I masturbate to a picture
of Freddie Prinze Jr.,
and I'm quite certain
of my sexual preference.
I'm cooking a brisket
for dinner tonight.
a woman needs to eat blood
every now and again.
she just really does.
* Billie
who is ready *
oh, no,
it's my musical.
* when I have
a brand-new hairdo *
* with my eyelashes
all in curls *
I think my mother was
deeply affected by the divorce.
* I enjoy being a girl *
* when men say
I'm cute and funny *
* and my teeth aren't teeth
but pearls *
* I just lap it up *
* like honey *
* I enjoy being a girl *
stop that.
dad, the sperm that bore me,
cheated on mom.
blah, blah, blah.
mom remarried.
I think his name is Bob.
* who enjoys *
* being a guy *
* having a girl *
* like me **
hi, Jennifer.
surprise !
surprise, Jen !
cosmopolitan.
tomorrow's our big day.
brisket in half an hour.
Jen, it's best
when it's hot.
yeah, I had an attitude.
I had an attitude.
* we're the attitude now *
* we're the attitude now *
* we're the attitude now *
yeah, I had an attitude.
* you brought it all
on yourself *
baby ?
baby !
brisket's ready !
time to celebrate
your graduation, honey.
Jennifer ?
brisket's
all ready.
vintage tv rocks.
what I wouldn't give to live
with the Partridge family.
Jennifer ?
I think Shirley
would really get me.
I like chocolate.
it's dark and warm,
come here, baby.
like what I imagine
a hug would be like.
doesn't sound
very friendly to me.
you wanna look like a dope,
go ahead.
oh, yeah ? oh, yeah ?
oh, yeah ?
yeah ! yeah ! yeah !
I'll meet you
at the table.
she's coming.
it takes her a while,
that's all.
it takes her a while.
employment sucks,
but I just need enough cash
to get my own place.
help.
I need help,
someone.
hello.
hello !
hello !
oh, thank God !
I got these pants--
caught on my earring.
ow, ow.
bad pain. bad pain.
all right.
do you have one ?
no, not there.
you should get one.
it makes sex amazing.
aah !
do you have one here ?
no, not there either.
you don't know
what you're missing.
yep. well,
I'm not the one...
with a pair of dead man's pants
hanging from my labia.
"it makes sex amazing." ow !
maybe I should get
some more piercings.
I'm not busy.
what is sex anyway ?
if memory serves,
technically,
I'm still a virgin.
there was this one day
in third grade
when Matthew Kingsley came over
and we played doctor.
he confused my vagina
with my anus
and took my temperature
with a fire engine red crayon.
from then on,
whenever I'd hear a siren,
I'd giggle.
I never had a boyfriend.
I don't know what
I'd do with one if I did.
guys like Calvin Klein
G-string ad girls.
I wear boxers.
I once had an orgasm, though.
with myself.
I think.
I'm gonna go to hell anyway.
J ! yo, J !
eulogy number 432.
"she was loved by no one.
"she chose indifference
as her state of mind.
"she leaves behind
not even a memory,
because she never existed."
that was a cheery one.
hiya, Rudy.
Mabel.
hey, Dorothy.
Irene.
* if I was beautiful
like you *
good news and bad news.
good news:
I didn't get caught
for stealing.
bad news:
I got fired for farting.
so I decided to go
where the real money is--
the Century city mall.
* if I was beautiful
like you *
* I would never be at fault *
* I'd walk in the rain
between the raindrops *
* bringing traffic to a halt *
* but that will never be *
* that will never, never be *
* 'cause I'm not beautiful
like you *
* I'm beautiful like me *
* I'm beautiful like me **
damn.
Max.
uh, need a hand ?
thank you.
- thanks very much.
- uh--
I was wondering.
you-- there's a sign
in the window. you need
some help in your store ?
fuck you.
asshole with a beer belly.
what did you say ?
you think this
is a beer belly ?
- yeah.
- this is not a beer belly.
- oh, no ?
- no.
wanna see a beer belly ?
that's a beer belly.
thank you, mister.
I feel just truly enlightened,
you know.
and let me just profusely
apologize for my little,
crude, naive observation.
all right, great.
now, scram.
go. shoo.
go get pierced...
- or whatever you do.
get out.
why don't you get
your eyeballs pierced ?
what are you doing ?
reviewing my options.
you've got options ?
what is it you can do ?
anything.
okay.
why don't you go home now,
take the silverware
out of your face.
come back in, say, a week,
look like a person,
and we'll talk.
but you really do have
to go now because...
you're scaring
the customers.
Boo.
* my love is a monster *
Jennifer !
* my love is a monster **
honey,
we're having leftovers.
let me guess.
brisket.
baby, I could cook up
something else for you.
how about a vegetable souffle ?
how would that be ?
please come to the table.
we could light those
kind of candles that you like.
inspiration.
Jen ?
listen, I know that you've
been trying really hard
to find a job,
but I was thinking maybe--
maybe we could talk
about college one more time.
ode to my face jewelry metal.
shiny, sharp.
good pain I inflicted myself.
I-- Jennifer, I can relate
to what you're going through.
honey ?
adorning my face where
the smile used to be
once as a baby,
when pain had no definition.
now, grown and alone,
my jewelry off,
naked again,
identity gone.
Jen ?
I had a dream last night
that I had earrings
all over my face.
and I thought that
this looked really cool.
and then my maybe-boss
made a suggestion.
maybe you should
pierce your ears.
then I tell him--
- that is so sick.
I'm keeping this one.
fuck him.
I think bruce would just
love the way this feels.
it's so soft,
yet still masculine.
well, I don't
really know bruce,
but if he'd like to come in
and feel it for himself,
I'm happy
to hold it for him.
what a dick.
she'd do him right here
in the daylight.
- take a look at this.
these are 30 percent off.
- ow !
excuse me a moment.
- hello.
- h-hello.
well, you look better.
but in this store,
we like to stand up.
come on. come up.
follow me, quickly.
so, what does
your mother call you ?
uh, Jen, Jennifer,
Jennikins, lamb of my loins.
okay, all right, all right.
I'll just call you J.
this is Jack,
one of our best salesmen.
this is J, possibly
our new stockroom girl.
J, as in the bird ?
yes. Jack,
as in the box ?
he's actually not bad-looking
for an older, overweight,
undesirably aged male.
he has kind of
a big butt for a guy.
this is a wall of shirts.
everything in this store
is color-coded:
button-down shirts, red;
tab collar, blue;
french cut, green.
this is very important.
the boy who worked here last,
he didn't understand.
and the reason we do this
is that everything arrives
in these boxes.
a lot of times,
what the boxes say
is not what's in the box.
you see the tab,
you know where it goes
and you're done.
it's color-coding.
it's important.
color coding saves time.
hello.
are you listening to me ?
the ins and outs
of being an idiot.
yeah.
yes, i've-i've worked
the stockroom before, sir.
sir ?
uh, my master.
Randall.
can I call you R ?
sure. all right,
if you have any questions,
- I'll be out front.
- yes, one question.
- do-do I get the job ?
- well, we're trying it out.
what is your cat's name ?
- black.
- of course.
he touched my tit.
I ran into Betty Lewis
over at the rite aid today.
honey--
and I have to tell you,
I liked it so much better
when it was thrifty's.
I mean, they've rearranged
the whole place in the most--
excuse me, honey--
inappropriate mAnner.
and actually,
I have been thinking
of speaking to
the management about it.
what do you think, Bob ?
a-about what ?
honey, at the rite aid.
- please, Bob.
the situation.
- oh.
- well--
- shh ! shh, shh.
grandma's here.
please. Bob, please.
Jenny, that's not funny.
your grandma's dead.
shh.
- she's allowed to visit.
- I don't want this.
I do not want this.
I don't like it, Bob.
I really don't like it.
please--
honey--
what's the matter with you ?
you know how sensitive
your mother is
about your grandmother.
why would you do
something like that ?
and one last time,
the sweaters
are four steps,
each arm first.
by the way,
the shirts are nine steps,
but we'll get to that
after you're comfortable
with the sweaters.
fold the body in and up,
and it's folded.
you're beyond anal.
well, it's important
to be organized.
number one on my list.
well, number one on my list
is: "don't mock me."
- and number two on my list is:
"remember to stay
back here, please."
there's a man who
really knows how to live.
that is a man
set in his ways.
please don't make him
this semester's science project.
and get in the back
before he sees you.
can-can I help you
with anything ?
is-is there something
I can help you with ?
uh, no, just looking.
that is lovely.
that's the finest material
in the store.
I'm-I'm not a mugger.
I work here.
why else would I be
in this nice clothing store ?
oh, your eyes are that blue.
oh, my God.
there's this suit here
that has this slight blue tinge
running through it.
it would be totally groovy
with your eyes.
- "groovy" ?
- oh, groovy's back.
check-check it out, man.
what do you think ?
it's very nice.
so you have the yellow shirt
and you have the tie--
oh !
it's nice.
it is nice.
oh, my God. funky stuff.
- next time, ask first.
- yes. yes, sir.
listen, if you're not
gonna stay in the back,
which clearly you're not--
no. it's-it's clean,
and it's spick-and-span.
there's nothing more
I can do, sir.
all right ?
you may think you know
how to do this, but for
every suit you sell,
you're gonna send
30 customers running out
of this store screaming.
if you wanna sell,
you have to look the part.
dress me.
the last time I had
this much weird fun
was with
the fire engine red crayon.
I look like a republican.
you're no republican.
thanks for being
so cooperative.
thank you very much
for the clothes.
thank you.
- I'll pay you back.
- I'm not worried about it.
- good night.
- good night.
thank you.
are you all right ?
are you okay ?
yeah.
do you need a ride home ?
sure.
you don't have a car ?
it didn't start
this morning.
are you thirsty ?
no, not-not really.
you bought me clothes.
I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
it's all right.
come on.
we can talk about
my big promotion,
boss man.
actually,
it's almost 9:00.
9:00. so ?
well, I'm usually home
by 9:00.
what happens at 9:00 ?
I turn into
the same person I am.
go ahead.
excuse me.
this is your hang, huh ?
yeah.
I never would've guessed.
you should get
a spider coffee
with whipped cream.
it's really good.
hey, J, what's up ?
what'll it be ?
hey.
can we get two
number sevens, please ?
actually, you know what ?
I just want a sanka.
"sanka" ?
anything decaffeinated.
okay.
aren't you looking
backwards ?
life looks better
that way.
so are your parents
divorced ?
very fuckin'
divorced.
any brothers or sisters ?
no.
just my cat.
you have a copy of
the bell jar by your bed ?
yeah.
earlier tonight,
when I was taking the trash
out in the back,
I lifted the lid
of the dumpster
and I get hit in the head
with this paper airplane.
I read it.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
it wasn't meant for me.
is this a suicide note ?
yeah.
don't worry, boss man.
it's not for now.
the sopranos are on hiatus.
I want to see if
they all kill each other.
well, that's good to know.
otherwise, I would
keep you on at the store
on a temporary basis.
- that's funny.
I mean, you should
do that more often.
do what more often ?
joke around ?
mm-hmm.
I don't think so.
people might get
the wrong idea.
what,
that you're happy ?
- what's that anyway ?
- I'm not the one to ask.
you know what I think ?
I think happy
is fucking overrated.
I mean, my mom--
my mom's always happy.
she's got this stupid smile
on her face
and she's singing,
and it's just disgusting.
so apparently,
you don't think your mother
is really happy.
would you be, having me
as your only child ?
that's a good point.
i-I have to tell you,
I don't think this
is the least bit attractive.
yeah, and I really think
that this is gonna get you
on the cover of GQ.
all right.
you thinking
of fucking me ?
is there a bathroom
in this place, or do you
just go right on the floor ?
yeah, right there.
I can't believe
I just asked my boss that.
he could be my dad.
I don't want another dad.
I don't even like
the one I have now.
I want a lover.
oh, I like that word.
lover.
lover.
my lover's in the bathroom
getting coffee out of his nose.
yeah, whatever.
* shakin' that ass *
* shakin' that ass *
* shakin' that ass *
my lover.
* I see you, baby
shakin' that ass *
* shakin' that ass
shakin' that ass *
* all right, don't touch me *
* I see you, baby
shakin' that ass *
* shakin' that ass
shakin' that ass *
* I see you, baby
shakin' that ass *
* shakin' that ass **
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
so, you're ready
to be a salesperson ?
yeah. sure. fun.
mmm.
all right,
I'm getting tired,
so, uh--
I'm gonna run.
you mind if
I take you home now ?
no, I'll-I'll hang.
I can walk home from here.
okay.
- I'm sorry
about your nose.
- don't worry about it.
tomorrow, we sell.
great.
and I won't fuck up.
do you know
the "boy who cried wolf" story ?
I don't know.
there was this little boy, and
all day long he cried, "wolf !"
"wolf is coming ! wolf !"
but there really wasn't
a wolf coming.
then one day the wolf came,
and nobody believed him.
it just had no meaning.
I would reconsider
the use of the "fuck" word.
good night.
I'll see you tomorrow.
good night.
did your dad leave ?
my lover.
Jennifer !
Jenny !
Jenny !
you know, they have
a noise ordinance
in century city !
honey, you're doing windows.
sweetie, you didn't tell me
you were doing windows.
and you're wearing a dress !
I'm so proud.
- I'm so proud of you.
- go home, mom.
oh, don't, please.
leave me alone.
baby, oh, my goodness.
you look so beautiful.
go home.
I came to
take you to lunch.
what do you say ?
oh, Bob and I ate
at the most terrific--
you know what ?
if you leave right now,
I'll have dinner with you.
- can you ?
- I'm on my break now.
pardon me, pardon me.
how do you do ?
you work
with Jennifer.
- she is my daughter.
- you're the infamous mother.
R, mom.
mom, R.
R.
and R is my boss,
and he really doesn't
like me to have distractions.
it's so nice of you
to hire Jennifer.
look, you run over to that new
parking structure restaurant,
I'll meet you there.
listen, she's a wonderful girl.
very, very brave.
did you know that ?
I value her more
than I can tell you.
excuse me, Randall ?
hi. can you come out
for a second ?
hi. how are you ?
no, I'm coming out.
listen, don't be
a stranger here.
come by more often.
thank you so much.
- it's so nice to meet you.
- nice to meet you.
hi.
did you hear that, honey ?
what a surprise.
how are you ?
he's just such a...
lovely gentleman.
he reminds me of somebody.
who is it I'm thinking of ?
honey, who is it ?
you know him too.
I'm not gonna eat your lunch.
no, I mean--
you don't want a carrot ?
Jen, maybe we should
just have dinner.
I have to get back to work.
honey, would you please
promise me that you're
gonna come to dinner ?
because-- because then
we could celebrate.
- promise ?
- I promise.
I just wanna say one more time.
you look so beautiful
in that dress.
you're okay ?
I'm good.
you look great.
you think so ?
yeah, I do.
thanks.
you know, I'm being rude.
let me offer you something.
I don't have a lot,
but I can--
* I know you wanna do it *
* you know
I wanna do it too *
* out here
on the dance floor *
oh, my God !
* we can make sandwiches *
* you can be the bun *
what is that ?
* and I can be
the burger, girl *
* I know you wanna do it **
oh, my God.
i've gotta go back to work.
uh, thank you.
I had a nice--
you are a shitty
window dresser.
who told you you could
do the windows anyway ?
ooh, you said "shitty."
I am not in the mood
for this side of you.
fine.
I thought we were
somewhat in synch here.
I thought
we had some kind
of communication.
i-i-I extend my friendship,
and you just step on it !
I trusted you. I really just--
I did, and I don't now. see ?
I'll tell you something.
this is bad.
whatever this is,
I can't do it.
- you can trust me.
- I don't trust you !
well, can I show you
something ?
just go fix
the goddamn window.
you know what ?
why don't you just
take the rest of the day off
and-and go hang
with your friends.
you do have friends,
don't you ?
no, not really.
- well, who do you talk to ?
- like, a therapist ?
no, not like a therapist.
like, anyone.
you certainly don't talk
to your mother.
- would you ?
- well, what about a boyfriend ?
no. is that silicone lips
your girlfriend ?
no ! and I'm asking
the questions now,
thank you.
you know, I'm really
curious about this.
who do you talk to ?
who are your friends ?
- you.
- me ?
I'm 49 years old.
I'm 17.
nice to meet you.
and who are your friends ?
- I don't wanna
get into this now.
- who ?
don't worry your head
over this.
I got lots of people,
plenty of people.
no. you have magazines,
not people.
piles and piles
of magazines, and you read
all the time, right ?
it's the first thing you do
when you wake up in the morning
alone in your house,
and it's the last thing you do
when you go to bed at night.
you communicate with articles,
not humans.
so can I show you
something, please ?
what ?
who did that ?
me.
why ?
lack of alternatives.
if you hate living
at home that much,
just get
your own apartment.
well, I'm kind of broke.
yeah, but now you have
a really good job.
i've had it
for, like, a minute.
well...
you might have
the kind of boss
who would consider
giving you an advance.
given my special talent
for window dressing ?
no.
because he might be leaning
towards the trust situation.
yeah, all right.
if we're gonna try
this friendship thing,
you need to make me
a promise.
do I get one in return ?
yeah, that's fair.
I want you to promise me
you're never gonna hurt
yourself like that again.
I'll try.
what's yours ?
uh, I reserve the right
to redeem mine at a later date.
okay.
- watch it, asshole.
- all righty.
* somewhere *
come on.
I love this song.
* beyond the sea *
* somewhere waiting for me *
give it a chance.
whoo !
mom flash.
- disgusting.
- this is classic stuff.
it grows on you.
yeah. good music.
my turn. my music.
this is supposed to be
an experience where we share.
I'm sharing my taste with you,
and you're torturing me
with yours.
I think I'm the one
being tortured here.
what do they call
your music,
"crap to swoon to" ?
fine. another one
of your favorites.
oh.
* don't blame it
on the children *
* don't you blame 'em, no *
* blame it on the elder *
* blame the elder *
* don't blame it
on the children *
* don't you blame 'em, no *
* blame it on the elder *
* when I was a youth *
- it's not for me.
- oh, right. sure.
* don't blame it
on the children *
* don't you blame 'em, no *
* blame it on the elder *
* don't blame it
on the children *
* don't you blame 'em, no *
* blame it on the elder **
- gettin' down to
your funky self, sir ?
- no, no.
Irie. Irie.
her arm was broken.
this is for young people.
I didn't know that.
you said 2:00, anal dude.
you're never late.
well, sometimes I am late.
is that
all right with you ?
what was wrong
with that one ?
- well, it's on
the first floor.
- so ?
you can't just shut your eyes
and pretend that
life won't get you.
you gotta take precautions
so you can live
a long time.
what makes you think
I wanna live a long time ?
that isn't funny.
it's not funny.
okay, I'm sorry.
oh, I like this one.
it's on the top floor.
I gotta live
on the top floor,
so that I can grasp
all of life that I can.
oh. no. no.
no, no, no, no.
no, what ?
I'm sorry,
but I have my preferences.
what kind of preferences ?
no tattoos, piercings
or potential for loud hip-hop.
- I hate hip-hop.
- yeah, she hates hip-hop.
and the tattoos
aren't even real.
and this phase
shall also pass.
this is a highly
intelligent girl.
she's an incredible poet.
one day, she's gonna be
very famous.
and, you know, famous people
know other famous people.
you're gonna wake up,
look out your window
one morning,
and who's that
that's visiting her ?
- it's-it's--
- Regis Philbin.
- yeah.
- Regis ?
she's gonna know Regis ?
and other people too.
- movie stars.
Keanu Reeves--
- oh.
- who's she ?
- she sometimes guests on regis.
she's a good guest.
I'll take it.
- just like that ?
- I'm like that.
well, don't you have
any questions ?
yes. will you christen
the place with me ?
what do you mean
by "christen" ?
dance with me.
- oh, I can't do that.
- why not ?
well, there isn't
any music, you know.
if I'm ever gonna dance,
I need my music.
if you listen very carefully,
you can hear it.
what do you mean ?
like, if you build it,
they will come ?
what ?
I don't hear anything.
so, is this good
for your daughter ?
my daughter
loves the place.
I can't believe
I'm getting my own apartment.
it's so grown-up and scary.
when are you going to
tell your parents ?
why don't you tell them ?
yeah, right.
"a home is a place
where you keep your socks,
and socks are for keeping
everything warm."
that's my grandma.
come on, rasta man.
share something with me.
I just did an interpretation
of my dead grandmother.
- speak.
- I was married once...
about 19 years ago.
how long were you married ?
two years.
her name was Sara.
she used to put baby powder
in all of her shoes.
we had this brown shag carpet
in the house.
so she'd walk around,
and she'd leave these
white footprints everywhere.
it was like
being married to Casper.
- was she pretty ?
- she had nice feet.
did you love her ?
why do you hate your family ?
I don't hate them.
I just--
I'm happy I'm not them,
you know ?
hate's an emotion.
I'm not good with emotions
and stuff.
no emotion.
* I think I love you
so what am I so afraid of *
* I'm afraid that
I'm not sure of
* hey, I think I love you *
* so what am I so afraid of *
* I'm afraid that
I'm not sure of *
* a love there is
no cure for **
ben, three's the number.
you have sixty seconds to do
it.
let's begin.
in the comic strip peanuts,
what breed of dog is snoopy ?
Airedale.
oh. hmm. beagle.
yes. the flag of what
north african arab nation
is solid green ?
- libya.
- yes. U.S. businessman
Fred Smith--
damn, this guy
knows everything.
mmm !
ooh !
you scared me !
look at you...
in this beautiful
green top.
well, you match the jell-o.
yeah.
there's something I have to
talk to you about, mom.
- want some, sweetie ?
- no, I don't. mom.
there's something I have
to talk to you about. okay ?
- yeah.
- is that all right ?
yeah, sure.
honey, I think I know
what this is about.
honey, you're not used
to wearing dresses
that reveal your figure,
and you have
such a beautiful figure.
but all you need
is a good bra.
no, it has nothing
to do what that.
yes.
and did you know that
there are women in the stores
who fit bras ?
- mom !
- it's just support.
mom, I'm going to move into
my own apartment, okay ?
really ?
that's so nice.
* honey, move in
right up close to me *
* that's when I get
the chills all over me *
hey, dad,
what are you doing ?
hey, Jen.
the Santa Ana winds
came in last night
and trashed my fries.
how you doin', girl ?
it's been a while.
"a while."
that's a great song.
yeah.
very groovy.
I didn't know you liked
that kind of music.
is there anything
you know about me ?
yeah.
I know you're workin'
in a clothing store.
I know you don't have
quite so many holes
in your head.
I know you're getting
your own apartment.
I know you're not talkin'
to your mother.
I know you hate me,
and I know I don't
blame you for it.
impressive.
the human has brain cells.
so, uh,
did you just, uh,
come by here to make me
more miserable or what ?
- oh, poor baby.
- hey, J,
you're my daughter
and I love you,
but cut the crap.
I'm still your father,
and I deserve
an iota of respect.
why should I respect you ?
fuck it.
so, how did it go
with your parents ?
- fabulous.
- sounds like it.
is that a sack lunch ?
it's for you.
I don't wanna have
a sack lunch with my lunch.
it's a present for you.
- wow. thank you.
- can you put it on ?
here ?
I see somebody
you know !
all right.
hold this.
I'll guard you.
- can you hold that ?
- i've got that.
- oh, bitchin' !
- how does it look ?
good ?
- it kicks ass.
- thank you.
so, what do you
wanna do now ?
- no.
- come on !
- no !
- yes !
just a small one.
we'll put it someplace
nobody'll notice.
listen to me very carefully.
I am not getting
a fucking tattoo.
ooh. you said
the really bad word.
yeah, I did.
I am, in fact,
the boy who cried "fuck."
I want the smallest tattoo
that you can make.
a dot or a period
or something like that.
does it come
in a flesh tone ?
very, very, very small.
oh, Jesus.
hold it. let's go
straight to number one.
oh, God.
it's a scorpion.
* seven *
* lips *
* six *
* slowly *
* five *
* fingers *
* four *
* play *
* to number one *
that's it.
all right, I'm getting out
of here right now.
why ?
- what's goin' on ?
- nothing. this is insane.
- what's your problem ?
- I just can't do this.
- what ? why ?
- this ! I can't !
can't what ?
you can't loosen up ?
not with you.
I'm sorry I made you
have a good time.
you obviously can't handle it.
why can't you even tell me
what your problem is ?
no, I don't care.
I give up.
I don't even like you anymore.
you're pathetic.
the front door is open.
where do you think you live,
knots landing ?
we can't be friends.
I'm sorry.
what do you mean,
"we can't be friends" ?
you just want to shut
the entire world out ?
guess what. I'm right here.
- I'm not leaving,
not going anywhere.
- you have to leave.
I don't have in me
what you need.
how do you know
what I need ?
you don't even know me,
know anybody.
what's wrong with you ?
I'm old.
I'm George Burns.
who's George Burns ?
I'm uncle fester.
I'm Andy of Mayberry,
mr. Roper, grandpa Munster.
okay, I get it.
okay, good,
then leave.
no.
what are you so afraid of ?
I'm afraid of everything.
- what's "everything" ?
- I don't know. everything !
I can't fly.
I can't be in a boat or a train,
any transportation.
I can't do that.
I don't like being in a car.
I don't take elevators.
crowded places drive me crazy.
but uncrowded places
make me crazy.
I'm afraid
of prescription drugs.
they won't do it
in front of you.
they're going in the back.
there's something wrong with it.
they're doing
something.
I'm afraid
of falling asleep.
I don't even understand
the expression.
why are you falling ?
where are you falling ?
it's just so--
I don't know.
I always wished I had a button
on my neck I could push
and be asleep like a machine,
but I can't.
so I just lay there,
and I hate it.
I hate it.
what did I leave out ?
oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm not that crazy
about waking up.
you know,
there's a lot of people
that have a fear of clowns.
isn't that funny ?
see, that doesn't bother me.
I'm afraid of clowns.
why can't you be
like other kids--
stand in line at clubs,
smoke cigars, dance,
experiment
with bisexuality ?
you know, teenage stuff.
come on, we're
trying somebody
new tonight.
Mildred, I'd like
to introduce you
to Randall Harris
of the Harrises.
hi, Mildred.
how are you ?
that's a silly question.
she might be
a little shy.
- I don't normally
bring guests.
- sure.
why do you do this ?
energy.
I can feel their energy.
a little bit
of a thousand souls.
come on,
it's your turn.
no, not just yet.
lie down.
close your eyes.
I love these slacks.
come on.
- no, don't do that. no.
- lie down.
I'm coming down.
close your eyes.
now what ?
now you start up
a conversation.
with whom ?
the person you're sitting on.
can you feel it ?
can you feel their energy ?
I feel it.
you do ?
god, I really do feel it.
thanks for letting me
crash here.
hey, it's late.
no problem.
welcome.
- nice house.
- thank you.
so... I'm gonna put on
some hot tea.
listen, if you feel that
you want to take a shower,
just go upstairs.
I have fresh towels.
make yourself at home.
great.
thank you.
okay, so you're somewhere
and you see somebody you know.
what do you say ?
I know you.
no.
hello.
hey.
hey.
- hey.
- all right.
you're in the store.
a customer's just
tried on a suit.
he looks quite handsome.
what do you say ?
hey, dude,
funky stuff, man.
yeah.
I pray to god
that's not it.
you know, in spite
of what you're doing,
you should know that
you're very beautiful.
you think I'm beautiful ?
you want to watch
a video or something ?
how about we have
a staring contest ?
don't do that with me,
'cause I'll kill you.
fine then.
let's see what
you're made of.
ready ?
go !
you're blinking.
hmm.
again.
- go.
- go.
you want some more tea ?
oh, no.
all right.
all right.
- where are you going ?
- I'm gonna go for a run.
when I get back,
we need to talk.
we have to have
a little talk.
okay. don't worry about me.
I'm just gonna stay here
and go through some drawers.
so maybe you should save me
some time and tell me where
you keep all the good stuff.
I don't have any good stuff.
- that's sad.
- oh, is it ?
and you do ?
- yep.
- uh-huh.
- where do you keep yours ?
- in a box under my bed.
I don't have a box under my bed.
and you're the good stuff.
I have a blue foot.
so much stuff,
so little time to snoop.
oh... don't do it !
I have to.
I just have to.
don't do it.
I have to.
oh, I have to.
okay.
R !
R !
R !
R !
grandma ?
R.
get up !
get up !
hey, help !
somebody, help !
help me, please !
help !
please !
please, help !
J.
hi, I'm patty.
um...
did Randall
mention any family
at all to you ?
no.
why does he need them ?
as you probably know,
he's had this
for a long time.
he's very sick and...
the next few days
are gonna be critical.
I'm sorry.
so you wouldn't
suggest starting...
any new magazine
subscriptions ?
I'm sorry, Randall.
I don't know
what to say exactly,
but you've known all along
how precarious this type
of leukemia is.
listen,
you'll have some good days,
you'll have some bad days.
but when
it becomes acute like this,
our options are limited.
can you hand me
that bag ?
we'll give you antibiotics
to treat the infection,
pain medication
to keep you comfortable.
chemotherapy's an option,
but it's very risky.
there are some experimental
programs we're looking into,
but those need
F.D.A. approval.
hey, there's my beauty.
- we'll see you
in a little bit.
- call us if you need anything.
- hey.
- hey.
you look good.
you don't.
come here.
come over here.
come here.
you didn't say
"Simon says."
Simon says,
"come here, please."
so you just knew all along.
yeah, I did.
well, I'm gonna use
the "fuck" word now.
I understand.
how can you do this ?
how can you be sick ?
you can't be sick, right ?
because you would have
told me you were sick,
wouldn't you ?
I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
I didn't tell anybody.
I never even told my wife.
it was like I thought
if the words didn't come out,
then maybe it wouldn't be true.
does that
make any sense ?
so I'll just assume that
you're gonna be okay, right ?
Jennifer.
you're not gonna be okay,
and that really sucks.
because for the first time ever
in my whole non-perfect
excuse of a stupid life,
I really, really liked it !
I liked my life.
- you still have your life.
- no, I don't.
I don't have my life
because I love you so much.
Jennifer--
wait a second. don't leave.
where are you going ?
if a person's on their
deathbed,
you have to stay and listen.
it's the hospital rule.
come back here.
Jennifer...
I spoke to your grandmother.
oh, bullshit !
no, it's not bullshit.
you taught me how to do it,
and i've been doing it.
oh, yeah ?
what'd she say ?
she said to stop this !
stop it !
you don't understand.
you have all of these people
who care about you.
you have a family.
- oh, yeah, great family.
- oh, so what ?
so they're all insane.
go lock them up. who cares ?
at least they're here.
I wish my parents were
still here. I can't even call
them up and say, "I hate you."
you don't know
how lucky you are.
- well, I don't feel so lucky.
- you won't let yourself.
you think this is why
your grandmother is trying
to talk to you ?
don't you think she's got
better stuff to do all day
than to get through to nobody ?
you're not alone.
who is this talking,
you or grandma ?
I don't know.
we're both talking.
if it makes you feel better,
it's mostly her.
come here.
no.
come here.
sit down.
would you
just once...
do something I ask you
the first time, please ?
now you close your eyes,
and you listen.
come on.
close your eyes.
listen.
I don't hear anything.
shh.
I care about you...
more than anyone else
in the world.
what's that ?
morphine.
groovy.
oh, cool.
"dear rand, I can't live
with you in this house.
"it's like I'm living alone.
"you won't talk to me,
you won't touch me.
I don't know what's going on.
but I can't live like this
anymore."
information.
city and listing, please.
Albuquerque.
Sara Harris,
10122 Paso Robles.
I'm sorry.
that's an unlisted number.
shit.
you have a cousin Louise ?
I'm only gonna be gone
for two days.
- okay ?
- two days ?
yeah, it'll go by really fast.
I'll call you
when I'm on the road,
when I get there at the wedding.
these are chocolates
for you.
okay. thank you.
okay.
well, have a good time.
hurry back.
okay, I will.
I will hurry back
so fast.
be careful.
- I'll call you, okay ?
- put your seat belt on.
* blue around the morning dew *
* the color of your eyes *
* I remember holding you *
* a fall
through summer skies *
* you're everything
that i've become *
okay.
* every word I say *
all right,
so I'll see you later.
is there something else
I can get for you, Randall ?
I wouldn't mind
a little company.
okay.
* up ahead a blackbird sings *
* maybe he'll come to mind *
* every night
I see your face *
* when I have to pray *
* I need a bell, a book
and candle *
* to keep your golden stay **
what was I gonna say ?
I was gonna say,
"excuse me, mrs. Harris,
I know we've never met,
"and you haven't seen
your husband in 19 years,
but I really think
you should know that--"
oh, that's not good.
shit.
hi.
hi.
what do you want ?
who are you ?
excuse me ?
who are you ?
does Sara Harris live here ?
I'll tell you what.
you want any information,
you can tell me who you are.
how's that ?
uh, my name's J.
I'm a friend of her husband's.
that's interesting information.
you want to come in for a coke ?
do you have a telephone
or-- and some chocolate ?
how about a lollipop ?
so, my name is Randy.
Sara was my mother.
"was" ?
yeah.
she was in a car accident
about six months ago.
shit.
I'm-I'm sorry.
that's awful.
thanks, twilight zone.
now what husband
are you talking about ?
she was married before.
didn't she tell you ?
yeah, I know. my father
died before I was born.
did she say anything
about him ?
no. she gave me
a picture once.
can I see it ?
sure.
you find out you have a dad,
you're not even curious
to meet him ?
not really.
well, he's dying.
yeah, I know.
you let me know that.
and you know what ?
that makes the blessed event
even more enticing.
you're basically asking me
to go meet a man who will
be dead soon, right ?
"hi, dad.
I'm here just in time
to bury you."
- what kind of friend
are you anyway ?
- I love him.
- what kind of love ?
- he's been my best friend.
did you fuck him ?
shit.
look, I'm a bitter asshole,
okay ?
I have been most of my life.
I usually keep it to myself.
i've lost my mother,
and now I find out I have
a father who's alive,
but he's dying.
lot of stuff. I'm not sure
I have the right outfit
to wear
for my debut on Oprah.
well, I'm sure
I can find you something.
where did you come from ?
h-how did this happen ?
I don't know if
you're a good thing
or the fucking plague.
does this mean you're coming
with me to meet him or what ?
yeah. you know what ?
I will go with you.
but I'm not talking to him.
or you.
fine.
good !
* a wave hello *
* a wave good-bye *
* the way we live *
* the way we die *
you've been my nurse
for such a long time,
but I don't know
anything about you.
I'm a dick.
you're not a dick.
believe me,
I'm very familiar
with dicks.
you are just a man who hasn't
let anyone in his life,
because he knew he was sick.
thank you.
you know, you've, um...
never asked me to leave,
but you never really
asked me to--
shall we say,
invited me to stay either.
would you stay ?
would you ask me ?
* life's a beach *
* life's a beach *
want to come up
for lunch ?
fine. I'll eat,
but I'm not talking.
no, we never did it. he's
the greatest person i've ever
met in my whole stupid life.
* a wave hello **
turkey and swiss okay ?
um... how about
20 questions ?
I may not have
that much time.
how about
four questions ?
okay.
all right. four.
number one:
do you love her ?
yes.
is it romantic love
or is it infatuation
with youth and spirit
kind of love ?
that's three questions.
come on, I'm serious.
what is it ?
I don't know.
it's like a family love.
thanks.
how's he doing ?
no change.
if he doesn't improve,
they'll just send him home.
- what are you doing ?
- I gotta sleep.
no, no.
can you just get back
on the road right now ?
come on.
listen,
if I continue to drive,
then a big truck
full of some farm crap
is gonna mow us down,
and then look
at how many dead people
will be in this story.
all right. coffee.
get that away
from me.
if you're not gonna drive,
let me drive.
so get out of the car.
when was the last time
you slept ?
a few days ago, but--
exactly.
so if I'm gonna
meet this dad guy,
then I get some
beauty sleep, all right ?
listen, you selfish
loser asshole, okay ?
i've got to get to r now,
and i've got to be in this car
for another eight hours
with you.
so that means
no more pit stops,
no more anything stops.
okay, maybe we can have
one stop for a coke and a pee,
and that's it.
no, no, no, never mind.
we don't have enough time
for a coke and a pee.
maybe just a pee
if you're really desperate.
shut up, Sybil.
- "Sybil" ?
- Sybil, the woman
with eight home phone numbers.
it's not necessarily
a bad thing.
a plethora of personalities
can be very enchanting.
- fuck you.
- fuck you.
- fuck you.
- fuck you, all eight of you.
don't leave me alone, please.
hey, hey.
hey, hey, hey, hey.
what ?
wake up.
what's wrong ?
what's your-- what ?
why don't you
help me stay awake ?
we'll play a little game,
all right ?
yeah ? good.
soda can.
all right,
that was easy.
chocolate.
hmm.
that was good.
shit !
what the hell ?
so when
was the last time
you were in a serious
relationship ?
a long time ago. I'm not
a good relationship person.
you speak for the world.
okay, he's checked out, and
they said he can spend whatever
time he has left at home.
so, come on, let's go.
you're gonna love him.
what am I doing ?
I cannot believe
I'm doing this right now.
well, believe it.
it's your reality.
all right, hurry up now.
oh, my God.
* walkin' away *
* love will lead you on *
* get away
I'll do you wrong *
hey !
* the setup
certainly knocks you down *
* but don't-- **
I hate this fucking song !
oh, my God.
oh, shit.
R, I'd like to introduce you
to your son.
- son ?
- his son ?
son.
dad !
- come in.
- "come in."
you don't even know who it is,
and just, "come in" ?
I knew it was you.
so silicone lips
doesn't knock ?
I'm sorry.
I understand.
well, I'm three quarters through
the understanding stage.
but it hurts me, though.
you know ?
and it's not good pain.
I don't know that there
ever really was good pain.
I used to think so,
but I don't now.
ramble, ramble, ramble.
hey, please, I get it.
come here. sit down.
I missed you.
did you ?
yes, I did.
I missed you too.
it's a good thing,
this missing stuff.
thanks for the present.
you're welcome.
what's he like ?
oh, he's kind of like you.
he's an asshole ?
no, worse than that.
he's a pathetic loser asshole.
that's my boy.
so you like him.
no.
are you mental ?
totally.
i've gotten down with it.
i've boogied.
okay, shaft.
excuse me.
I hear my mother calling.
sorry about the timing.
I don't think the first apology
should be coming from you.
I wish
I could have known you.
yeah ? all right.
well, I don't do drugs.
I do.
I failed algebra.
it's okay.
- I failed your mother.
- yeah.
she told me you were dead.
it's true. I was.
did she ever
talk about me ?
no.
- can I ask you something ?
- sure.
what are we supposed
to talk about ?
damned if I know.
I'm a fucking father.
I don't know
what to say.
I'll leave you money
for therapy.
and for college.
I want you to go to college.
it's really important, okay ?
did you ?
yes.
yes.
what did you learn ?
give me a second,
I'll think of it.
what is going on with you ?
what do you mean ?
well, you're just
sitting here talking to me.
you don't do that.
I know. I'm sorry.
honey, what's wrong ?
I'd like to be
a better daughter.
sweetie...
are you pregnant ?
no.
and--
and I'd like
to be your friend.
I'd like to know
a lot of things about you.
I know that you are...
embarrassed
and ashamed of me.
oh, baby, no, no, no.
I never said that. no.
I really, really need
to talk to you
about the things
that matter to me.
okay ?
mm-hmm.
so--
* it all started
with the pimp c *
* so what the fuck is up
thought of something good *
* he's above
my motherfuckin' cut *
* 'cause if you don't
really want to fuck with-- **
- so that was rap.
- yep.
well, I thought
it was nice.
come on, mom.
I'll show you how
to talk to grandma.
- I do not know
how you do this.
- I'll teach you.
well...
grandma says hi.
take care of R for me,
grandma.
teach him to dance.
honey.
should you be
smoking that now ?
oh, man.
I think tonight
will be fun.
"fun" ?
fun was dropping acid
in the '60s.
fun was streaking
at my sister's prom.
fun was staging a sit-in
at a titty bar on sunset.
this--
this is very bad fellini
we're about to enter into.
tell me something.
did you and J ever--
no. no.
the answer is no.
oh.
why don't you
tell me something ?
tell you what ?
tell me how you're
gonna look after her
when I'm gone.
I just want to let you know,
as far as dads go,
you probably would have
been all right.
probably.
so you really wanted
this dinner ?
hey, I'm dying.
how bad could it be ?
* the girl I dream about *
* the love i've waited for *
* I know her inside out *
* the one that I adore *
* I never thought
that dreams came true *
* now I believe they do *
* the girl I dream about *
excellent.
the peas.
I love peas.
* it is you **
it's so delicious.
tasty.
sorry, man.
* when somebody loves you *
* it's no good
unless they love you *
you want to dance with me ?
* all the way *
* happy to be near you *
* when you need someone
to cheer you *
* all the way *
* taller *
- * than the tallest tree is *
- pre-beatle.
oh, I love this song.
* that's how
it's got to feel *
* deeper *
* than the deep blue sea is *
thank you so much
for this evening.
* that's how it goes *
* if it's real *
you're welcome.
* when somebody needs you *
* it's no good
unless they need you *
remember that promise?
I do.
* all the way *
promise me
when you're gone,
you'll send a message
so I know you're okay.
* through the good
and lean years *
* and for all those *
I promise.
* in-between years *
if you promise me your father
won't touch anything.
* come what may *
* who knows *
* where the road
will lead us *
mrs. Benson,
would you like to dance ?
* only a fool would say *
* but if you let me love you *
* it's for sure
I'm gonna love you *
- sorry.
- would you like to dance ?
* all the way *
sure.
I'm afraid
I'm not very good.
* all the way **
- trippy.
- yeah.
what's up with you
and the dying guy ?
I only sleep
with unavailable men.
the guy said,
"what's the name of your act ?"
I said, "the aristocrats."
look at that.
you must feel pretty
proud of yourself.
it's just one of those small
but enormous things.
aristocrats.
wow.
fuckin' aristocrats.
but wait, wait, wait.
tell that other one
about that guy dave.
absolutely true story.
- okay, now.
- dude.
I'd like to propose a toast.
to all the special "f" words:
to friends...
family...
fate...
forgiveness...
and forever.
thank you, honey.
death touched her lips
to say good-bye...
and to always remember
the man who touched her first,
touched her with his heart.
that is forever hers.
my first mister.
a man of few words.
a life of more questions
than answers.
he awoke in me my heart,
which beats stronger
because of him...
and all that he has left me.
I think it's time...
I got out
of the eulogy business.
* somewhere *
* beyond the sea *
* she's there
watching for me *
* if I could fly
like birds on high *
* then straight to her arms *
* I'd go sailing *
* it's far *
* beyond the stars *
* it's nearly on the moon *
* yes, never again *
* I'd go *
* sailing **