My Favorite Girlfriend (2022) - full transcript

This is Conrad.

And yes, he's matching
the color of eggs

he's about to break

so he can make
delicious popovers,

just like he has every morning
for the last 3,525 days.

I'm Will, by the way,
Conrad's best friend.

We met in the fifth grade when
he lined up his M&Ms by color

before he would eat them.
Yeah, he still does that.

Let's not even talk about
his sock drawer

or his five different
toothbrushes

or the long list of
librarians, proofreaders,



and drill sergeants he's dumped

because they weren't
exacting enough.

This will make a whole lot
more sense later on

because you see, today,

Conrad's compulsive routine
meets its match.

Oh, shoot! I gotta go.

That's Conrad's boss Frank
coming in.

Late, and you're using my oven.

You want maybe I should
throw you in there too.

Sorry, Frank. I got here early
and lost track of time...

Yeah, if Regina sees those
piece of crap popovers,

you'll be looking for
your next paycheck elsewhere.

Now, next door, pick this up.

I need the mushroom powder
in ten minutes



before Regina gets here,
or. you're a dead man.

Nine minutes 50 seconds,
you're still here.

I need a steamed
almond milk latte,

with almond like
only a fifth full,

with a teaspoon
of cinnamon and milk,

and a half packet of sugar,
but brown sugar,

and several pumps of vanilla.

Oh, and a few more things.

A tall flat white...

Okay, tall?
We don't speak Starbucks here.

I was just reading off
the list, dude. Calm down.

And, then a medium flat white,
a caramel macchiato,

and I think
it's a regular coffee,

it just says "R COFFEE".

No, no, no, no, you know.
Totally, what's this?

- Excuse you?
- Sorry.

Conrad, do you have
any other place to be?

I have a long line and you're
falling on my counter

like it's an ATM
at a strip club.

Hi. Yes, no.

Frank needs a carton
of heavy cream and.

.That powder thing.

What powder thing?

Ah, yes. That.

Yeah, I can't read that.
That's in hieroglyphics.

What does that say?

Excuse me, Mr. Conrad,

can't you just call
Frank whoever and ask him?

Yeah, and can you do it today,

because we have people
who have places to go.

Dude, hurry up.

It says Lion's Mane
Mushroom Powder,

and trust me, it's amazing.

That's not a mushroom.

It's not?

Of course,
that's the powder he wants.

- It is?
- It is.

Okay, Conrad, do it today
because we are online...

- Are you sure about this?
- And I hate you.

It didn't say unicorn's mane.

Okay, that will be 100 dollars,

15 dollars for the cream,

and 85 dollars for
the five ounces of powder.

I hope you're right.

I'm always right.

Oh, I. really
like your confidence.

I noticed.

And I have to have confidence.
I'm an influencer.

You don't say?

Yes, my job is to convince
the rest of the world

that I'm better than they are,
that I know everything,

and that they absolutely
have to have what I'm pimping.

You bought it, didn't you?

Ah!

Ah, would you mind if I text you

when I get back to work
just to...

Have your boss
tell me thank you?

Confirm that I'm not fired.

Give me your phone.

Uh, umm.

You just trusted me
with your boss's money,

so I hope you can trust me

with your own personal
electronic device.

Otherwise, that kinda
makes you a butthole, dude.

You know, you're kind of bossy.

And you're kind of
running out of time.

And you're holding up the line.

Gigi here is going to go postal
if she doesn't get

her Happy Sparkle latte
in T-5 minutes.

Yeah, don't let this
polka-dot dress fool you.

I can crush your neck
with one quick squeeze.

I'm a ninja.

Hi, Conrad, I'm Molly.

Tell your eccentric boss,
you're welcome.

Boss. Oh, crap.
Look, I gotta go.

Thank you. Thank you.

My favorite ladies.
The usual?

Oh, no! That's it.
You're done.

I've had it to here.

One more scratch, and
it's weed-killer for you.

Man, ten years.

Ten years I've been fighting
this losing battle.

Hey, Tommy, I have something
Frank asked me to get.

What you want me
to do with that?

Put it in the tree?

Kid.

And now, for Conrad's
famous secret specialty.

Take a stick of butter,
swirl the pan with it and...

You better not be
using steel wool

in the cast iron pan, boy.

Steel wool, are you nuts?
Is he nuts?

Sorry, guys, I can just
put it in the dishwasher.

Dishwasher,
do you have a death wish?

Does he have a death wish?

Okay, I got it.
I can just, you know...

Listen to me,
you touch that pan once more

without asking,
and I will break your fingers.

Nobody touches that pan
but Regina.

Okay, I'm certainly
attached to my finger so.

Uh-oh.

I'm kind of
attached to them too.

Delish.

Can't let a good mesa
go to waste.

You get my powder, you Boy-O?

It's in the bag there, Reg.
Right, Boy-O?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Move.

- It's in the bag?
- Yeah.

- What the hell is this shit?
- So sorry.

There was this girl in line,
she said she was always right.

- What girl?
- Look.

Look at this.

Look. There's
a ladybug in there.

Oh god, Tommy.

That's good luck, right?
Take it out.

That's it?

Just that cost you 100 smackers?

Tommy, you done out there yet?

No, I'm not done yet.

I'll handle those bitches.

It was 85 for the powder,
and 15 for the cream.

He didn't charge me
for the ladybug.

That's highway robbery.
That's highway robbery!

It's fine.
It's good, it's fine.

This is really good stuff.
It's okay.

Who knew fungi was so expensive?

That's a whole monster
rabbit hole for another time.

This stuff, this stuff,
Frank, is medicinal.

Go get the mop, Conny boy.
San to had another accident.

- Uh.
- Would you look at this?

- No.
- Come on boy, gotta move.

Medicinal, really?

Yeah, it's medicinal.

Find yourself in California..

You never would've
ordered this crap

if we had stayed home
in New York where we belong.

What are you talking about?

This is a restaurant.

You were right about the powder.

It's for the restaurant.
What are you talking about?

But it's not food.

Man, you're such a grouch.

- You're a grouch.
- Well, grouch is my...

Yay! And not fired.
Congratulations.

Can I treat you to coffee
to thank you?

You're a grouch.

I still don't know
how you could read that.

A girl never reveals her secret.

So what made you want to be?

He's not bothering you, Molly?

Need me to rough him up?

I'm good, Hal, but thank you.

Why does everyone
keep threatening me, anyway?

Because you're pretty
and they're jealous?

Molly's my favorite,
she comes here every day.

Piss her off,
and you piss me off.

So, what kind of
influencer are you?

Beauty products.

They sent me new products
to try out,

and I use them, and comment,

and give an overall review
on a live stream.

And that pays your bills?

Restaurant boy.
So what's that all about?

Oh. Actually,
I want to be a chef one day.

I love to cook.

- Does it love you?
- What?

- Meaning, are you any good?
- I think I am.

Uh-huh.
You want to be impulsive?

- Huh?
- Lake Balboa.

It's breezy, it's pretty,
and they have a fish.

- Wait, only one fish?
- You drive.

- What? Right now?
- No, next month.

Come on.

It's beautiful.

It certainly is.

I don't think
I've been here before.

Your loss, it's my favorite.
Come on.

What? Oh!

Hi! I'm Molly,
and I want a pretzel, please.

Hi, I'm Jack,
and, you could do better.

Perfectly salted pretzel
for a perfect little lady.

You're lucky
I don't condone violence.

You're lucky that I didn't
drink milk growing up.

Can I have some
ketchup too, please?

You know, it was,
so nice to meet you.

Cash.

This is the fish, by the way.

Oh!

Sorry.

Okay, you look like you're
sucking on your own blood.

Ketchup with a pretzel?

- Yup.
- That's not how that works.

It's not?

Even that guy over there
agreed with me.

It's bread, isn't it?

Like a hot dog bun,
or a hamburger bun?

Who cares?

Look, no. Bun and ketchup

without the meat
is just well. wrong.

I mean, everyone knows
that pretzels go with mustard,

not with ketchup.

You need to expand your mind.

Let me guess you wanted to be
a chef since you were three,

and asked for an easy-bake oven

when the other boys
wanted crossbows

and remote-controlled
Monster trucks.

Well, not always.
My interest changed in college.

What did you want to be
before Gordon Ramsay?

Paul McCartney.

A good chef is also a rock star.

So, it stands to reason
you made a lateral move.

Not a lifelong dream,
but a more recent one.

Duly noted.
Let's move to the boat.

The boat?

Come on.

Uh.

All aboard.

That's for a train.

Fine, then stay out there.

Okay, uh...

Don't start singing, "Row,
row, row your boat", please.

It brings back
bad childhood memories.

You drive a hard bargain.

Then I ask the question again,
are you any good, chef?

I could show you.

I can make you dinner
sometime this week,

tomorrow, tonight?

Can't. I'm hosting a
videogaming challenge on Twitch.

What, you're on Twitch?

Hell, yeah. My daily
meditation practice is GTA.

Well, I... wait. I thought
I was the only one.

Hey, are they ever
coming out with Six?

Right? It's been Five
for like a decade.

Right?

By the way, you just revealed
a secret about yourself.

Crap, you're right.

How could I have been
so utterly careless.

They must have
drugged my pretzel.

No, it's the ketchup.

You made the pretzel Gods angry.

Okay, dinner tomorrow night?

I like Pinot Noir
and I'm a vegetarian.

Even though I like red things.

Whoa-whoa-oh! Ketchup
from a packet is gross.

It has to come from a bottle.

I like seafood too.

Doesn't that make you
not a vegetarian?

Pescatarian.
We just sat in a fish.

Would I have done that
if I was a true vegetarian?

It's just easier
to say vegetarian

then add the fish part.

People's brains process it
differently, trust me.

Uh, can you give me a ride home?

Another secret; I hate driving,
so I don't, whenever possible.

A ferret on a leash?

The craziest thing
I've ever seen.

What?

- Nothing.
- No, what's so funny?

Nothing.

What's so funny? Come on.

You made a little toot noise.

No, no, no.
That was... that was the door.

Um, no.

I am so embarrassed.

Look, please don't
make that my nickname.

Toot Toot late.

No, no, no. It's fine.

It means you're human.

Gotta go. I have my Twitch.

Bye.

Every table
in the goddamn restaurant

before you get this one.

Jesus, can't even hold the door.

Is that the way your mother
taught you to dress a table?

Very sloppy.

Very sloppy. Geez.

How was your date yesterday?

Uh, wait.
How did you know I had a date?

We own a restaurant,
we know everybody's business.

Plus, you mentioned a girl.

Good, I think.

Did you... you know?

That's kind of personal, right?

- Oh, that's a yes.
- That's a yes.

- But I-I-I didn't say that.
- We're happy for you.

Well, unless she makes you late,

because then, I will never
be happy for you.

I want to cook her dinner.

I was gonna make
the crab cake dish.

I will not be held responsible
if she dies

because you screwed up
my recipe.

I'll give you a teaspoon
of the mushroom powder.

What?

A teaspoon,
not a needle nose more.

You're giving him
the mushroom powder?

- Yeah, come on...
- Eighty-five dollars per jar,

for a little jar this big,
and you're giving it to him?

A teaspoon.

A teaspoon.

Hey, what's up, Will?

Hey, I'm in the hometown
of your boy, McCartney.

Gonna say, what's up.

You're in Liverpool?

I'm so jealous.

Wait.
Isn't it like 4 AM there?

So what're you gonna get up to?

Are you brushing your teeth?

- No.
- Yes, you are.

I know you.

Are you still doing that
like five times a day

with five different
toothbrushes?

Whatever.

Listen, I'm about to hit up
Strawberry Fields too, bro.

That's cool, but, look,

I gotta go. I have a date.

Oh, I see where
your loyalties lie.

Sex is better than McCartney.

Sex is better than
the Beatles, huh?

- Yeah.
- All right, man. Later.

And well,
I'll see you tomorrow night.

All right, mate, good luck.
Hope you find another singer.

What are you doing?

It has to be right in
the middle of the potholder.

It doesn't need to be perfect.

Yes, it does.

This is Frank's specialty.

Now, I...
I don't normally cook for...

Girls?

Dates?

Human beings?

I'm your guinea pig,
if you can actually pull it off

for tomorrow night.
I feel so used.

I... there was...

Kidding.
Let's try it, Toot.

All right.

You know,
I really like your dress.

It goes... it goes well
with your earrings.

Flattering me so I'll
give you a better review.

But thanks.
I guess it's new.

I guess?

I have a confession
to make, Father.

Continue, my child.

I'm a shopaholic.

Impulsive buyer, really.

Well, that seems to be
a theme with you.

I apparently get so in the zone
that I buy things

and I don't even
remember doing it.

They just show up in my closet.

Weird.
Like shopping blackouts?

Oh, well, let's eat.

This looks amazing.

Need some help there?
Do I need the green too?

Crabcake sans green.

Sorry.

It's. not bad.

No, it's shit.

Yeah, it's shit.

You want to go out someplace?

Oh god, yes.

Sorry I jacked it up.

It's okay. We learn
from our mistakes, right?

Yeah. Well, I probably put in
too much coconut and lemon.

The vegetable broth tasted
a little old

or off or something too.

Actually, it was chicken broth.

You know, I thought
I had vegetable,

but I didn't, so I substituted.

You did what now?
Chicken broth!

I haven't eaten meat
since I was 12.

Oh my God! I'm so sorry.
I didn't...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize someone
was already sitting here.

What?

The table! I didn't know
it was already spoken for.

I'll move.

No, look.
I'm sorry about the food.

I'll get you anything
you want on the menu.

Anything?

Yes.

I mean, wow.
That's super swell of you.

I don't even know you.
But you're cute.

So, thank you.
Hi. I'm Vanessa.

What's that?

My hand, and my name?

My name is Vanessa,
and the mystery man

who wants to buy
a stranger dinner is?

Ah-ha! Role-play.
All right, being impulsive.

Okay, I get it, I get it.
Okay. Okay. Um.

Hi, I'm Conrad,
nice to meet you.

You're from the South,
I take it?

Oklahoma.

So, what do you do, Conrad?

I'm. I'm a famous chef.

I just work part time
at an animal shelter.

Come on, you can do
better than that.

I'm sorry?

As a job?

Well, thanks for
the vote of confidence,

but it's a starting off point.

I hope to be a real vet one day.
I do love animals.

I'm taking online courses.
I'll have the steak.

I thought you were vegetarian?

Veterinarian, yes,
vegetarian no.

I love my meat. What?

You thought because I love
animals, I don't eat meat?

It's not like
I'd eat my patients.

Well, this is fun.
Let's do this again.

Yeah.

Normally, in this moment,

a dude would say, check, please,

but not my boy Conrad.

Nope.
Conrad invites Vanessa out

for a walk in the park
the next day

like he's in some damn
Jane Austen novel.

So, animals, what else?

I make the best damn BBQ
you'll ever have.

Oh. Cook for me sometime?

I'll invite you over.
The backyard barbecue.

I hope it'll be up to your
standards, being a chef.

When you're not on the cover
of cooking magazine,

what keeps you busy?

I play acoustic guitar.

I used to be
in a band in college

with my best friend Will.

I once wanted to be
in music too. But.

You're a good guy, Conrad.
I feel really safe around you.

You hungry?

Yes. But not for food.

Yours?

I just love this bed.

You do?

A Packers fan?
You're from Wisconsin?

Yeah, I am. My band members
gave it to me in college.

Oh, not again.
Who are you?

Vanessa, are you okay?

Molly?

Nope, I'm Silk.

Not my bra, dummy.
That's my name, bitch.

Wait, your name is Silk?

Right, so not even close
to either of those

other two names
you just mentioned.

How did you get me
to come home with you?

Did you get me
tacos and tequila?

That's my kryptonite.

So, uh. what is your story?

Kind of you to assume
I'm not just a burlesque dancer.

I'm also in a rock band.

You want to be tied up?

Ouch.

Don't be a pussy, you are
supposed to feel some pain.

Otherwise, where's the fun?

I didn't even know I had rope.
Where did you even find it?

In the laundry.
It was an unopened clothesline

with a heart posted on it
from your mom

with a reminder to
hang your silk underwear.

Silk, that's me.

Your mom must be
freakin' psychic.

She get you this crappy bed too?

You know, actually,
this is kind of hot.

Told you, 99.9 percent of
the time, I'm 110 percent right.

Oh, dang it. I have to go.

I have rehearsal.
- What! But, I don't, hey...

We got a gig this Saturday
at the Federal.

Look, umm.

- If you want to come.
- Oh, the Federal?

Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, sure.

I'll come see you
at the Federal.

You know I'm a musician too,
right?

Fun fact, I did not know.

Hey, what are you doing?
Are you leaving?

Hey, hey, you can't just
leave me here like this.

That's part of the fun, hon.
You gotta figure it out. Bye!

Silk! No, no, hey, hey!
You can't do this.

Come on. Silk. Silk.
Come on. Aww!

Silk! Silk! Come on! Ow!

How many leftovers do we got?

We got five.
- We got five.

Geez, what are we
going to do with that?

Oh, look who decided to show up.

What, noon was too early
for you, Your Highness?

Sorry, I got a little...

With you, with who?

Her name is Silk.

Silk, her name is Silk?

What is her sister's name,
Polyester?

Hey, Regina found
a bunch of dishes in the back

under the stairwell.
- Yeah, how'd you miss those?

Yeah, dumb-ass,
how could you miss those?

Frank, where the heck
is my cast-iron?

I'm sorry, Regina,
I had to hide it

from steel wool boy over there.
It's in the oven.

Steel wool?
Your shoe's untied.

That never gets old.

God, I love that woman.

She scares me.

Hey, I told you I don't care
how many women you date.

They just can't make you late.

This, uh, this Silk chick,
she's off the list.

She's off the list.
- Yes, she is.

And put the damn stuff away.

Now.

He's on a very
short leash, this kid,

I'm telling you.

Should we tell him
where we left off?

I don't care, let him
start from the beginning.

Hey.

Want to try again
with those crab cakes?

Sure, Molly, tonight?

Great, your chateau, 7 PM.

Oh, man, I already used
all the powder Tommy gave me.

Conrad, where did you
put my boning knife?

I've got some boning to do.
Right now.

Okay, chef.
This is amaze balls.

Oh my God, I'm so glad
you didn't die or anything.

Oh crap, don't choke, please.

No! Kidding. It's good.

You want to know what
the secret ingredient is?

If you say bone marrow.

Lion's Mane Mushroom powder.

Your boss let you use it?

He knows it's a special dinner
for a special lady.

Aww, that's so sweet.

So, how's blogging?

Aww! It's not blogging.
It's live streaming.

Big diff. And. not great.

Why, I thought you were
going to be a millionaire,

like tomorrow?

Well, you have to do it
every day to keep

increasing your followers,
but I just get busy.

It's hard to keep up
on a daily basis.

You know, I could
lend you some money if you...

Oh God, no, I don't take
charity, from anyone.

Also, that shopping thing.

You bought more stuff
that you don't remember?

Apparently. Even some toaster
that's just for marshmallows.

I feel you should put
a surveillance camera

in your bedroom, you know, just
so you can see what happens.

Maybe.

Then you can see
if the shopping gnomes

come out at night and start
filling up your closet.

Those buggers are quick, man,

and they bite
if they're provoked.

They're not the only ones.

Wait, he is never up this early.

Hang on a second.

Yo, Kill Will. What's up?
Everything okay?

Dude,
I'm back in town for a while.

We lost a band member,
so I'm chilling

while we're on the hunt
for a new one.

That's great. I mean, it sucks
that you lost a band member but.

- You want to meet up?
- What, tonight?

Yeah, what you got going on?

Oh. Holy hell!

I got to be on stage
in two hours.

My manager's going to kill me.
- Tonight?

Hey, bitch, I told you
I'm playing

at the Federal tonight,
it's Saturday.

You're coming to see me, right?

Tell the doorman you're
on the Friends of Hendrix list

for flawed attitude. 9 PM.
See you there, dork.

I guess I'm going to a concert.

Where's your VIP wristband?

Uh, I was told that
I didn't need one.

Hey Mason, is this guy with you?

Friend of Silk's.

All right, Clark Kent,
we've got five minutes.

Come with me.

I'm so sorry!

Hey, bitch.

Who's this bum?

Conrad. Conrad,
my gangster manager Jimbo.

Hi, how's it going?

I'm still getting ready,
but stand in the front

where I can see you.

Wait up for me afterwards,
asshole.

And come to the house
for the pool party tomorrow.

So, how do you know Silk?

I met her not that long ago.
How do you know her?

Shit, I have known Silk
for years, man.

She just goes MIA for days,
sometimes months at a time.

She's an awesome musician
and a great singer,

so when she decides to surface,
we do a gig. Here we are.

Does she always show up though?

What successful
rock musician does?

You know she has like
a lot of personalities, right?

Yeah, I know.
I've met a few.

Yes, I've lost count
on how many I've met.

All I know is, I love them
and they make us look good.

You know, I play guitar too.

Hey, she's a charming
human being, man,

so don't do anything to make me
have to hurt you, all right?

All right, man,
so this is the green room,

band members only, so get out.

Oh, I have been
touring my ass off.

You should've
come to Ibiza, man.

It was wild, man.

No, duh, Will.

You're a chef, can't you like
whip some of that up?

Your Pinot Noir,
whiskey and Coke.

Oh, thank you.

Besides, you kill it
with the acoustics.

Probably could've gotten you
a touring musician gig.

Would have been like old times.

You know it was always
just to get chicks.

Yes, and you traded your sitar
for a soufflé.

You showed me how lucrative
a music career was.

That's what killed the dream.

No no no,
what killed the dream is

you couldn't handle anyone else
packing up your gear

without the label facing front.

Okay, that is totally not true.

It's a guitar case, Conrad.

It's called being
a touring musician, Conrad.

It's not supposed to be
pretty and organized.

So who was playing tonight?

She was actually really good.

Yeah?

And you know I'm a tough critic
when it comes to music.

No, you're anal
when it comes to music.

Oh, okay, so she was good.

So how long is this one
going to last?

A month?

I just know you always find
something wrong with them.

They leave makeup
on my white towels,

they rearrange
my action figures.

What did the last one do?

Oh, she didn't finish
her cereal in the morning.

Like I've heard it all,
you always have an excuse.

Not this time, alright.
She's different.

Uh-huh. Is that why
you're drinking Pinot Noir

like a 60-year-old woman?

Here you go.

Thank you.

You two handsome boys
need anything else?

No. We're good.

I'm Kristen.

Holler if you need me.

I do. I mean, I will.
I mean, I'm Will.

You got it.

Yeah, that was stupid.

What about Jan?

Oh, Jan and I are splitsville.

Yeah. She just didn't
get me at all.

She's the one we're
replacing in the band.

I got her name
tattooed on my thigh.

You want to see it?

What? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm good, man, thank you.

It's a cool tattoo.

Yeah, no. It's generous, but.

Oh, okay.

Look, man. She,
she was a party girl

and you, you're a poet.

Let's not label people, okay.

Why don't you tell me
about your lady

that you are not going to drop

for squeezing the end
of the toothpaste wrong?

I mean, I've been seeing her
for weeks now.

And.

Well, she kind of
has multiple personalities.

Yes, what woman doesn't?

No, I'm serious.

Like I thought it was
role-playing at first,

but she legit doesn't
remember the conversations

from when she's someone else.

Oh. Hell no. You need to run
in the other direction.

No, that's... each one of them
is pretty cool,

I just never know when
she's going to switch.

Okay, this can get
really dark, really fast.

Alright, I once dated
this bipolar chick.

One second
she wanted to have sex,

the next,
she wanted to blowtorch me.

With an actual blowtorch.

Have you talked to her?

I don't feel like
it's my place really.

It's not your place?

Dude, what if one of them
consents to sex

and the other one doesn't?

Uh-uh. You don't mess
with people like that.

You know, I didn't think
about it that way.

Okay, yeah. I'll ask her
at the party tomorrow.

Good.

Hey, your advice has
gotten better, by the way.

Thanks.

Asshole.

A rocker pool party,
and I wasn't invited?

I see how it is.

Hell, yes.

But Conrad was on a mission,

and I suppose that's more
important than free booze

and potentially seeing
scantily clad women.

I'm a considerate friend.

I can't believe you came
wearing a speedo, dude.

You gotta show what you got.

You know what I'm saying?
I mean, what are you?

Some kind of vampire rocker?

You can't get in the water now?

Hey, dork!

I say that affectionately.

Want some tequila?

Oh, no, no, no.
Backwash, it's a thing.

Dude, you're so weird,
it's alcohol.

It kills all the germs.
Get this guy some hard liquor.

This better not
be a game to you.

Nice to see you too.

Hi, I'm Anya, nice to meet you.

Gigi has said a lot about you.

Hi, Anya, it's nice
to meet you too.

And uh. oh.

Oh, congratulations.
Who's the lucky father?

It's mine. My egg
and some dude's sperm.

Anya is my girlfriend.

Let me guess,
you're a basketball player.

- Actually she is.
- I am.

So is this really her house?

She's been hurt before.

That's when the switching
gets worse.

I'm just going to
grab an ice bottle.

When she's depressed or manic,
she cycles more.

I met her as Sarah.

Wait, who is Sarah?

Her Aussie Lesbian alter.

We dated for a hot second,

and then when I found out
about the others,

I just didn't feel right
dating someone

who was only a lesbian
20 percent of the time.

So, we stayed friends.

An Aussie, huh?

Pretty sexy.

- What?
- Don't be a dick.

And don't break her heart.

She's literally
my favorite girlfriend ever.

I mean it.
- Yeah. Well, remember,

my girl's a basketball player,

and I'm a ninja.

Tequila shot. Drink up.

Hey, so where are you from,
originally?

Are you okay?

Silk? Silk?

Are you okay?

You're
wasting your breath, mate.

I'm a lesbian.

Uh, let me start with,
I'm Conrad.

You don't smell like
a cologne wearing dingo,

so hi, I'm Sarah.

Okay. Well, you're a girl,

so wonder if I could ask
your advice about a girl.

All right.

Well, great.

Little old-fashioned any good?

Just because it has
old in the name

doesn't mean
it's for old people.

Far out, you millennials.
Here, take a sip.

That's. actually not bad.
For an old-der person's drink.

Okay, so. This chick.

This girl, woman.

She's like a roller coaster,
and I don't know why.

I feel like there's so much
about her I don't know.

I'd like to.

Why don't you just ask her?

I'm kind of afraid to because
I don't want to lose her.

I'm usually the guy
that walks out the door,

but this time,
I don't want to be.

I don't know what to do.

Oh, you like this girl.

How romantic, young puppy love.

Wait. Young?

When I was in my 30s,
which was decades ago,

I thought I was
in love once too.

Here's the thing.
Women need communication.

If you're wondering
how she's feeling,

you just need to talk
to her about it.

I mean, I kind of
tried that, but...

It's all in how you ask, mate.

If someone is an alcoholic,
you don't just say,

you're off your face, mate,

so stop being a piss pot
and get it together.

I get that, but what if
she still gets defensive

and won't talk to me?

She might, in which case
you need to decide

if you want to hang there
or cut your losses.

I'm not abandoning her.

Also, she's actually really hot

so maybe we could do
a threesome sometime.

You never know.
For the right lady.

Now he said
she switched at the party

to avoid a discussion.

I reminded him again
about the blowtorch,

so of course, my boy accepted
an invite from Vanessa

for a backyard barbecue
to try again.

We're almost done here, sugar.

Hope you brought your appetite.

So, what kind of music
do you like, Vanessa?

Jazz.

If you have a guitar,
I could play for you.

Just a moment.

Had this forever.

I don't know if it's tuned
or anything, though.

Let's find out.

You're good.

You know, I wanted to ask you
about the other day, uh, night.

You said you're from Oklahoma
but then.

Ever done it in the backyard?

Um, no, but listen,
I really wanted to

talk to you about this so...

Let's be impulsive now.

Hmm.

Did I forget something?

Hey.

Hey. I'm sorry
to bother you so late,

but I just.

I haven't seen you
in a few days and I miss you.

I miss you too. Molly?

Hey, can you come over
for a little bit?

Yes. I've got some time
before work.

I'll be right there.

Molly? Molly?

The door was unlocked,
so I let myself in.

Hey... this room is really you.

Are you okay?
Is everything okay?

With work, home?

I haven't really asked you
much about home.

There's nothing really
to talk about.

I just wanted you here.

I needed to feel safe.

Look, are you sure
there's nothing?

Because I want you to feel
like you can tell me anything.

Even if it's uh,

you want me to
wear your underwear.

Would you?

Just don't asked me
to wear lipstick,

that's going a bit too far.

Hey, what's with
the number seven?

You have a lot of them.

I'm obsessed
with the number, Toot.

I'm really curious about...

I said I'm fine.

Can you get me my robe
off the bed? Please?

Yeah, of course.

Hmm.

Huh?

There you go.
We'll talk later.

I said to Conrad,
man, it's time to go.

But no, he wouldn't give up.

So he arranged to meet them
at their favorite spot.

Coffee bombing, huh?

Usually that's not a good sign.

Can I get you something?

Sit down.

Molly, I need to talk to you
about something.

Are you breaking up with me?

No.

Oh my God, no. No. No.
But I haven't been fair to you.

Are you cheating on me?

Yes. No. I mean, no.

It depends on how
you look at it exactly.

How you look at it?

If you're screwing other women.

It's complicated.

Do you know about the others?

The others?

How the hell would I know
about your other women?

No, about your others?

Oh, you think
I'm cheating on you?

Not exactly. Do you know
about Vanessa, Silk?

Who?

Your other selves?

I know I should've
asked you sooner,

but do you know about
your other personalities

and how they come out
at various random times

and none of them seem
to remember me at first,

but thankfully,
they all seem to like me,

but I never want one of them
to be jealous or anything.

What?

- Don't.
- Don't what?

Say another word to her
about the other parts.

I'm sorry, who are you?

- Rita.
- Oh, lovely Rita, meter maid.

Molly doesn't know about
Vanessa, Silk, and Sarah.

Neither do they about her.

And what are you?

I keep her safe.
I keep them all safe.

I'm aware of
the other parts of system,

but I'm the only one who is,

and I intend to
keep it that way.

Kind of selfish
really, you know?

Not to share.

You care about these girls?

Keep Your mouth shut.

Or I will take them
away from you.

Don't ever threaten what's mine.

Okay, good. I wasn't trying to.

Bring this up again,
and we're gone.

Do we understand each other?

What did you want to
talk to me about?

Hey, have you seen Regina?

You always know where she is.

I need to talk to her.

I'm not happy
about it right now.

You are a cruel human being.

You're one to talk,

taking advantage
of my generosity.

I told you a scoop,
not half of the bottle.

What?

The mushroom powder.

You don't need that much
to make the dish.

No, the truth is,
I messed it up the first time.

And I wanted to try it again,
but I spilled it.

I thought the other night,
you said you're going out

with another girl.

Which one of the three
were you going out with?

There are five of them,
actually.

At least as far as I know.

Five?

Yes but the thing is,
they're all the same girl,

and none of them know
about each other.

Well, one does,
but she's a scary one

who threatened
to chop off my balls.

Actually,
she didn't threaten that,

but you could see it
in her eyes,

it was horrifying.

Take off your apron
and get outside.

I thought Frank was
supposed be the mean one.

Now.

Take it off!

Sit down.

Am I fired?

What do you want, Conrad?

To be a chef.

Wow.

That's the first time I've heard
you say that with conviction.

Let's you and I
keep talking, okay?

You know, you're a lot easier
to talk to than Frank.

I think he hates me.

He's in love with Regina,
that's the problem.

He always has been.

And she wants to sleep
with literally everyone but him.

Including you.

Yeah.

So I'm screwed,
is what you're saying.

Listen. I got a good friend.

He's a hypnotherapist,

he works in people
with head problems.

I think you and your girl,
you should talk with him.

I'm going to give him a call.

I don't think
she'd be receptive.

Tell her it's about
something else.

Paul does hypnotherapy for
parties and stuff all the time.

It feels slightly dishonest,
but okay.

Okay.

Good.

Tommy said great things
about you.

Thanks for coming over.
Is it Doctor or Paul?

Paul. Paul is fine.

Okay.

So it's going to be just
the two of you, right?

Yeah, yeah, she has a shopping
addiction thing so.

Ah, okay, and where would you
like to set up?

Oh, just right here.

Hi, I brought over a Pinot Noir,

I think you'll love it.

Molly, hi. This is Paul.

He can, um, hypnotize people.

Oh.

I thought maybe it was
something we could try

for, you know,
your shopping addiction.

I know you like
to be spontaneous

and try new things and stuff.

Oh really?

I wish that you had told her
about this before,

instead of springing it on her.
It's not for everyone.

I think it could be fun.

Are you sure?

I'm in.
Just don't make it worse.

All right.
Here comes the fun part.

Okay.

Just close your eyes.

That's right.

I'm gonna ask you to count
backwards from 10

and when you reach 1,

you're only going to be aware
of the sound of my voice.

And you're going to answer
whatever questions I ask you.

Do you understand?
- I do.

Count backwards from 10.

Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three.

Very good.

Do you hear me, Molly?

Yes.

I'm not Molly.

I'm sorry, who are you?

There's somebody else here.

Who?

Vanessa.

Is she dissociating?

Is she what?

Vanessa, welcome.
I'm glad you're here.

I'm not Vanessa.

Who am I talking to now?

Sarah.

You didn't tell me she has DID.

What?

Dissociative identity disorder.
Multiple personalities.

If I had known that, I never
would've put her under.

It's not safe.

Safe? Who's safe?

Sarah. Sarah, it's okay.
It's all right.

You're safe. Sarah?

This isn't Sarah.

- You are?
- Silk.

But it's not just me.

You're going to need
more chairs, man.

Silk, it's okay. You're safe.
You are safe. Breathe.

You're going to ruin it.

- Who am I talking to now?
- Rita, you stupid dick!

I know what your little game
here is, Conrad,

and it's not go to work.

What game are you
referring to, Rita?

Bite me.

I will not be disrespected
by you, Rita.

I'm going to shut this down.

No. No.

No.

Please don't, don't leave yet.

My name is Paul Forrester
and I'm a psychologist.

I'm here to help you.

I can't talk to you.
She doesn't want me to.

You don't have to say
anything you don't want to,

this is a safe space.

It was him.

Who?

He did it.

Who?

Papa.

Does anybody else
know about this?

No.

Silk, I want to remind you
that Conrad is in the room.

Are you okay with that?

Yes. Because I love him.

Silk, do you know Molly,
Vanessa, Rita, and Sarah?

Do you know that they are
all part of you?

Please don't erase us.

No. I won't erase you.

I think we need a real doctor.

Look, I've got a PhD
in clinical psychology,

I just do these parlor tricks

on the side for fun for friends.

That is not what
this woman needs.

Hey, feeling any better now?

You tricked me.

That was not cool.

You brought someone in here
and made me think I'm crazy.

Create false memory?

No, you're not crazy.

I mean, maybe
a little challenged

at staying as one person,
I mean, alter all the time.

Bullshit!

Everything he said is bullshit.

I don't have DID,
I'm not a freak.

Nothing's wrong with me.

Molly, I think
you are wonderful.

Look, I should've told you but
I was worried that you would...

Break up with you?
Yup, accurate. Goodbye, Conrad.

I didn't want to
tell him I told you so,

but you know, I did tell him so,

but did he listen to me?

Hell no.

Even with the best intentions,

you don't mess with
people like that.

Hey Instagram,
oh, look at the little puppy.

A male in my life
who doesn't suck.

Oh, dogged on Instagram.

Hi, friends.

Oh, look, snickerdoodle coffee
the bestest.

Oh, wait.

You thought my boy Conrad
was going to give up?

Hell no. He is one
determined mother.

You said I couldn't call you.

But I know you like your
snickerdoodle flavored coffee.

So I'm just gonna
leave it right here.

Right on the door.

Just make sure the Amazon thief
does not steal it.

I know he likes
his gourmet coffee.

Did the boss do his job?

I'm sorry?

Paul, did he fix your girl?
What happened?

Oh, no.

She dumped me.

Tough break, kid.

Hey, you never told me
about the dish.

Crabcakes.

How'd they come out?

Oh, Molly said they were good.

After she was done fake choking
and giving me a heart attack.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you stay late today?
Make it for me.

Yeah.

Oh. kid.

Kid.

I don't know what to tell you.

I guess I'm one for three.

I mean, this is almost.

This is almost
as good as Frank's.

What?

Yes, I win.

Now, listen. Don't get cocky,
but how about tomorrow night,

you come help Reggie
with the pizza, okay?

What about Frank?

He'll live, he's a big boy.
Talent is talent.

End of story.

Why is he helping me?

Try this.

Come on, try it.

Come on. Try it.

Your boy did good.

What is steel wool
still doing here?

Frank, come on. Come in here,
try this. Hurry up.

Frank.

Frank.

It's terrific.
Are you happy?

Don't even think about it.

Now clock out
so you stop costing us money.

I just love that walk.

Yum.

What?

I just... I wanted to say.

Have you ever told her
how you feel?

What the hell
are you talking about?

Regina.

What the hell difference
does it make?

She'd never go
for a guy like me.

She could have
any guy she wants.

Yeah, but that's just it.

I mean, how do you know
until you ask?

She might be waiting for you
to make the first move.

What about you?
Have you ever, you know...?

- Me?
- Yeah.

No. Oh God no, I would never...

She's more of a match for you.

Maybe, but if she turns me
down, you're a dead man.

Fair enough.

Inspired by his advice to Frank,

Conrad thought Molly might
respond to a bolder approach.

Hey. Molly.

Oh, the humanity.

Wow, that was actually
cringeworthy!

Can you call 911

because I'm about to die
from embarrassment.

You know, better yet,
call the cops

because I'd like to
report a murder.

You just killed
my love of music.

You know,
I'm lactose intolerant,

and I can fart out
a better song than that.

That was good.

You know,
I'm not a religious person,

but I'm actually
praying for deafness.

There is nothing
like good singing.

And you know what?
That was nothing like it.

Thank you, Hal.

How does it feel
to have that little talent?

I'm going to pass you
a paper bag,

try to play your way out of it.

Not bad. Not bad.

All right, it was pretty weak,

but not a fourth-grader
playing violin weak.

You are just
full of encouragement.

Look.

Maybe she just needs time.

I don't know a whole lot
about what she's got

but if she was ever able
to merge them all

back into one thingy,
who would you pick?

- What, pick?
- Idiot.

No. Of the 5, 6, 7 person...
Whatever,

which one would you want
to be the one?

They're actually
all really cool.

Hm.

Even the lesbian.

There's a lesbian in there?

Yeah.

Have you ever asked
about a threesome?

Actually.

That would be a horrible
insensitive joke, Conrad.

Dude, which one is the main one?

Like the real one?

I don't know.

That therapist guy Paul
thinks it's Silk.

Hmm. Well, if she ever
comes back,

you gotta be okay with that one.

Yeah, I know.

Dude, of all the women
that I've seen you date

over the last ten years,
why this one?

I mean, I remember that hot
swimsuit model that you ghosted

because she took your
Paul McCartney action figure

out of the box
and started playing with it.

It was meant to be in the box.
What is wrong with some people?

Dude, you ever think
maybe it's you?

I love you, but come on.

Yeah. Maybe.
You're right.

I realize I have
some work to do too.

Damn, dude.

I never thought
I'd hear you say that.

I'm proud of you, man.

Show me somethin' better.

Whatever, man,
whatever that was.

- I was just warming up.
- Yeah, yeah, warming up.

Yeah, that's me.

Come in. Sit down.

So, how can I help you?

I'm sorry. I.

I was trying to be supportive.
I just want to understand her.

Well, let me be very clear
that Molly is not my patient,

otherwise I wouldn't be able
to discuss anything

about her with you
without her consent.

Understood. Yeah.
Rita mentioned a system.

The system is how
they identify their bodies

since they cannot relate to
themselves as one.

Is. Silk the real her?

It seems that she would be
what we call the executive host

to the alters or the alternative
personalities.

The idea
is a tricky one, Conrad.

Sometimes it's a matter of
making friends with the alters,

just being okay with that,
and other times,

it's a matter of wanting
to fuse the personalities,

all of the personalities
and their memories into one.

Depends on the individual,
but in either case,

it requires a unanimous decision
from all of the personalities.

What do you think?

The fact that she introduced
herself by name

as the alternates

means that she trusts you
and she cares about you.

Sort of like meeting the family?

In an odd sense, yes.

I want to help her.

So why don't we start there?

These flowers were homeless
and I was hoping

you could spare them
a room for the night.

Please stop, Conrad.

Nice job, asshole.

Homeless flowers!
God, that was lame!

If only she could see
what I can see.

She can. She can.

- Silk.
- Urgh, what's that?

Something I felt you could use.

Should I get
a restraining order?

Since you keep showing up.

Look, please just take it.

I know you don't believe me,
but maybe

if you saw it for yourself,
it's a security camera.

You mean, so I can see you
coming beforehand,

so I can throw water balloons
filled with acid

out my window at you.

Great idea. Super thoughtful.
- Okay, fine.

You know what, you win.

I'm here if you decide
you need me,

but I refuse to
keep torturing myself.

Wow!
Super attitude. Yeah!

Spark on!

Hi, I'm Molly.
And this is me. Recording.

Son of a...,
where'd I leave my guitar?

I just know I had my sunglasses
in here somewhere.

Oh, I'm out of ciggies! Gigi
must've nicked the last one.

Don't forget to erase this
in the morning.

Please.

Thinner. thicker.

Thinner in the middle.
Thick on the edge.

This is called a deep dish,
Boy-O.

But I do like a deep dish ass.

Come on, Conrad, sing with me.

Forget the singing,
back to pizza.

Yeah, even thinner.

Nice work, steel wool.

I'm so sorry, Conrad.
You were right.

Can we talk?

New assistant chef,
starting next week.

Yes!

I did it, Conrad.

Son of a...,
where'd I leave my guitar?

I just know I had my sunglasses
in here somewhere.

Oh, I'm out of ciggies! Gigi
must've nicked the last one.

Don't forget to erase this
in the morning.

All the unaccounted-for time,
shopping,

now it all makes sense.

I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

I'm sorry that I wasn't
honest with you about Paul.

I wanted to help. I did.

But I didn't know how.
So I panicked and I...

I started seeing him yesterday.

Hey, this is a good thing.

I'm sorry.

Man, you're having
the spirits at home too?

Molly and Sarah
tell you you're hard-core.

Spirits?

That's what they put
in cocktails in Europe.

I've been away too long.

Actually thought she was
possessed for a minute.

I just hoped I haven't
make things worse.

No, man.
You did the right thing.

No! No way does God just
roll up out of the sky

and just blast
my damn magical armor?

All right, coat myself
in fairy dust

and eat a long sword mofo.

She's been seeing Paul
for a few weeks now, so maybe.

You cool with Silk
being the real one?

Yeah.

Agh! Killed by a slap of gold,
the story of my life.

They're not called the real
one, they hate that.

It's actually
"host of the system."

Right.

Yes. Next level.

I hate you. I hate you.

Well, if she's
as talented as you say,

maybe when she's on
the straight and narrow,

she can come play with us.

I only have two controllers,
I need to get another one.

Dude, as a singer.
I need a singer now

that Jane is gone?

- Oh!
- Yeah.

Oh, I get it.
I failed my audition.

Okay, I'm fine.

Dude, first of all,
you're not a singer.

Second of all,
you got a good thing going on

at the restaurant, be grateful.

This musician's life
is not for everybody.

Staying in lousy hotels,
no sleep, bad for relationships.

Like we all want to be
Kendrick or Legend or.

The Spice Girls.

So many of us are never that.

But that means
that I still want to meet

your rocker-et cetera
girlfriend.

Why don't you come
meet her tonight?

I'm making her dinner
as soon as I get off my shift.

It's my first day
as assistant chef.

Okay.

Will never turn down
free food, let's go.

- All right.
- Dial me back in.

Got it.

I was finally
meeting Silk in person,

and I won't lie,
I was a little nervous.

But Conrad assured me
she'd been doing great.

However, nothing could have
prepared me for that dinner.

Evening, kids.

Congratulations on your
first time cooking with Regina.

I hope we all survive.

Will, this is Molly.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hey.

I thought I was meeting Silk.

Well, Silk was here
but then she...

Dude, what the hell
we doing in this joint?

Who's this bitch?

Who the hell are you?
Hi, I'm Will.

Silk. Pleasure to meet you,
jerk-off.

I like this one, she's awesome.

I hear you are in a band?
Killer singer.

Yep, I'm a songwriter too.

Oh, okay. Well, you know,
we just lost our lead singer,

so maybe
you could join the band.

What'd you think? Huh?

Hey, mate.

Is this still Silk?

No, that's Sarah, lesbian.

That's weird.

You have a problem
with gay women?

No! No. No.

- No. Why?
- You left these on the counter.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Hey, babe.
Ready to blow this joint?

Sure, babe.

Let's go, sexy.

I think I'm missing
a joke in there somewhere.

But, all right.

Sorry, Sarah, but we're
trying to talk to Silk.

She's busy.

Doing what, exactly?

Cleaning the blinds upstairs?
Getting a massage?

Maybe you should mind
your own business,

goddamn pencil dick.

Oh, what's happening now?

Rita. We don't mean Silk
any harm.

We just wanted to.

Wanted what?

Uh-huh! Out, demon lady, out.

Andale shaka, topaca,
Beyonce and Baraka,

in the name of Jesus.

Huh! That's what I thought.

See, you gotta be forceful with
these negative entities, Conrad.

You thought what, jackass?

Hey, a little help.

Okay, you did just try
to exorcise my girlfriend,

so I'm on her side.

You know what, Silk and I
could talk another time.

- Nice meeting you, Conrad.
- Wow!

You had every right
to defend yourself.

He had it coming.
Besides, he's a Buddhist.

I don't know
what he was thinking.

You really do care, don't you?

I do. I care about you.
As. whoever you are.

Silk, Vanessa, Molly, Sarah.

Okay, maybe not Rita.

But only because she's kind of
rude and bossy and controlling,

but hey, I'm sure
she's a lovely person.

We had a rose system.

Most systems
give themselves a name,

and we all like rose gold, so.

Sarah? Are you feeling
all right?

Hey.

Where am I?

In a restaurant.

Hi. My name's Conrad.

Maxine. Max for short.

Do you know who Silk is?
Vanessa, Sarah, Molly, Rita?

I know they're all me, but
I haven't been out in decades.

I remember when I was seven,
but everything else feels like

I was watching life
from behind a glass wall.

Now I get your obsession
with the number seven.

Your birth name was Maxine,

then Maxine went dormant
and Silk took over?

Silk was next, yeah.
Or, so they told me.

I trust you, right?

Yeah, you do.

Can you tell me more about them?

You want to be impulsive?

Silk is an amazing singer
and her band members love her.

Wears a lot of makeup
to look cool and badass,

but she doesn't have to wear
any at all to be beautiful.

Tell me more.

Well, Molly is a video blogger,
she's a vegetarian.

She mostly reviews makeup
but there are some outliers.

She is snarky, she is fun,
and she hates driving.

Although ironically,
she loves Grand Theft Auto.

Hates driving?

How the heck can you live in LA
and hate driving?

Well, Vanessa loves barbecue
and is an amazing chef.

She also loves animals
although she does eat them,

but no judgment.
She has great legs.

And even though
Sarah is a lesbian,

and no way interested in me,
she is a kind and generous soul,

and she really helped with
being able to talk to.

Well, all of you.
- Then, thank you, Sarah.

Yeah.

I think I'm in love with you.

Me too.

I have so many memories
from my past

that I can't even access.

Look.

I know what it's like
to start over.

My parents split when I was 12,
and my dad moved away.

I. felt like I didn't know
who I was anymore.

And I didn't like myself
because he left.

I felt like he left
because of me.

My parents traveled a lot
but they'd leave me

with my grandparents
when they went away.

Is that when Silk showed up?

I think they were always there.

I'm still trying to
understand myself.

But I guess. I wanted to
keep the scary parts away.

And that. caused them
to fracture.

They had walls between them.

And then one alter
became two and then three.

A pizza analogy.

DID for dummies.

I'm sorry I'm so much trouble.

No. Hey, by diving
into your shadows,

I had to look at my own.

Started when my dad left.

I'd line up my albums
and categorize them

by genre and year
and color and label.

I had a spreadsheet
of every battery in the house,

where it was,
and its charge level.

I'd brush my teeth
five times a day

with five different
toothbrushes.

It's weird, I know.

At least you remember doing it.

I have OCD.

I noticed.

Yeah, no, I'm meeting with
Paul and Maxine right now.

As you said, it was
totally the right call,

and hey, I'm really looking
forward to meeting your girl.

Cool.

I got you a present.

Mm-mm.

Maxine has a few things she'd
like to share with you, Conrad.

You ready?

I have to go away.

Go where?
I can give you a ride

since I know you don't
always like to drive.

No, I mean, home to Michigan.

I need to talk to my family,
tell them what happened.

They never knew.

Let me come with you.

I'm sorry, Conrad.
You've been amazing.

But I need to
figure this out on my own.

I have a whole life
ahead of me now.

Understanding them.

I know. I.
I mean, it's great.

I mean, you have Paul here
helping you to manage.

And you have me,

and you really expanded my mind
and helped me too. I mean...

I need to know who me is

before I can lose myself
in someone else.

Hey. I won't let you get lost.
I'll get you

a little lost and found tag
and everything.

You've helped me a lot.
And for that, I'm grateful.

But.

What she's trying
to tell you, Conrad,

is that she needs her own time.

Two against one, huh?

It's not that
she doesn't care about you.

You've been there for her
in a very big way.

I'm not going to win this one,
will I?

I get it. I love you.

And I want what's best
for you to be happy.

Just. please don't erase me.

To heartbreakers.

If it isn't the love of my life.

Conrad, meet my new lady.

What?

I took a chance
and asked Kristen out.

She said yes.

I told him
I thought you were hotter,

but you were taken.

I'm available now, actually.

Okay, all right, all right.
So how's the chef thing going?

- I gotta go, babe.
- Bye, baby.

You know, Tommy's been
really happy with me.

I get to be a full-time cook
by the end of next month.

Okay! You go, boy.
That's what I'm talking about.

You're not gonna
have time for women

because you're going to be
up to your elbows in dough.

No applause, please,
no applause.

I'll be here all night.

I miss her, man.
I really do.

That stuff was so good
that you showed me.

She would've been great
in the band, man.

Hmm. Well, to Silk.

And Molly.
And Vanessa, and Sarah.

- Rita.
- No, screw her.

Hell no.

To Maxine.

Yeah, to Maxine.

You know, Paul's been great.
I'm down to one toothbrush.

Can't seem to choose
which color, though.

Old-fashioned, please.

Bourbon or wine?

Bourbon.
You can keep it open.

We're only doing
cash at the moment.

I don't have any cash on me.

It's okay.
There's an ATM in the back.

Oh, okay.
I'll be right back.

You know what,
don't worry about it, please.

- It's on me.
- Thank you so much.

I'm Melinda.
And the generous gentleman is?

I'm Conrad, I'm the chef.

How ironic.
I'm a food writer.

Oh, you think I'm gonna
tell you who that is?

So, what do you cook, Conrad?

Hell no, that's for the sequel.