My Family and Other Animals (2005) - full transcript

(Inhales deeply)

(Heavy rain falling)

(Snores)

(Thunder)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

Why do we put up with this bloody climate?

I mean, look at us.

- Gerry can't speak.
- Uh?

- Leslie can't hear.
- What?

- Margo's got a face like red porridge.
- Shut up!



- Mother's looking like an Irish washerwoman.
- I am not.

It's August! We need sunshine.

Yes, dear.

I've got a friend, lives in Greece, Corfu.

Says it's wonderful.
Why don't we pack up and go?

I can't just go like that. We have a house here.

- We'll sell up.
- Don't be ridiculous, Lawrence.

- Gerry needs an education.
- No, I'll be fine.

We can't just up and leave.
That would be madness.

This is the story of the time I spent on Corfu.

It was originally intended to be
a mildly nostalgic account

of the natural history of the island,

but I made the grave mistake
of introducing my family,

who proceeded to take over.



It was only with the greatest difficulty
and by exercising considerable cunning,

that I managed to retain a small space
exclusively for the animals.

- What this?
- Grubs.

They're about to turn into beetles.

You can tell by the way
their skin's getting darker.

(Dog barks and growls)

- He?
- Roger.

- It's important to have a dog.
- (Roger barks)

I'm a writer.

That one's very good.
Challenges all sorts of received bourgeois crap.

Good.

This, no.

It's bed linen.

Merchandise. Tax.

It's our bed linen! You silly man.

Come away, Mother. Let's put off
annoying people as long as possible.

(Bell rings)

Is it a bank holiday?

(Roger barks)

(Yapping)

(All dogs barking)

Not quite the gracious arrival I'd hoped for.

Come on. Ow! Ow!

Why doesn't somebody do something?

Help!

Go away!

Eyes! Eyes!

- (Margo) Get them off!
- Gerald, now.

Well, they all seem very nice.

- They wouldn't give me any lavatory paper.
- Sh. Not at the table.

You didn't look properly.
You've got a little boxful by the pan.

- (Mother) Margo, dear.
- What?

The box is for paper that's been used.

The plumbing here can't take it.

(Gasps)

Ugh. No.

I used...

Yes. It is a bit insanitary.

Remind me to look up typhoid
in the little book in reception.

(Sobs)

- Very emotional age.
- (Door slams)

Might want to send some disinfectant
up to her room.

Here they come.

I'm sure I've got typhoid.

I feel all...

- typhoidy.
- I'm sorry,

but you've shown us ten houses
and none of them has a bathroom.

- Oh, not again.
- Bathroom? What for you want a bathroom?

You have the sea.

But this is the cradle of civilisation.
They must have bathrooms.

We'll find a place for ourselves.

Er...

Oh. Erm, er...

Taxi.

(Taxi drivers clamour)

We don't actually speak Greek.

We do plan to learn.

Ooh. Ow.

Why don't you do something, Larry?

What? They're just being Greek.

(Man) Oi!

You need someone who talks your language?

Thems been worrying youse?

- No, no.
- Hey!

(Speaks angrily in Greek)

So, taxi?

Where you wants to go?

Eh?

Know what? English always wants bathrooms.

I got a bathroom in my house.

Eight years I was in Chicago.

Then I say, "Spiro, you has made
enough money." So I come back, huh?

I bring this car with me.

Best car on the island.

I tell you no word of a lie.

Keep your eyes on the road.

All English tourists ask for me
when they come to the island.

Yeah. You know, erm...

if I wasn't Greek...

yeah, I'd likes to be English.

(Tyres screech)

There. Villa with bathrooms.

It was as though the villa had been
standing there waiting for our arrival.

We felt we'd come home.

We'll take it.

(Speaks Greek)

Gerry, could...

Once Spiro had taken charge,

he stuck to us like a burr
and became part of the family.

Like a great, brown, ugly angel,

he watched over us tenderly.

Ah, Leslie, hi. Big guy.

Mrs Durrells. You have everything?

(Speaks Greek)

- Where are these people's things?
- They are merchandise.

We've come to take them.
Come on, get thems.

Customs bastards, huh? I know them all.
Hey! Why you open it, you son of a bitch?

- It is my duty.
- Duty, yeah?

Treating decent foreigners like smugglers, uh?

That's your duty?

The bastards think they own the place.

Come on!

- (Laughter)
- But you look like him. You look like him.

Gerry, don't pick your knee.
Come on, eat your kounoupidi.

Will you run up to my bedroom
and fetch my cigarettes?

- Fetch them yourself.
- That's the problem with this family.

- No give or take, no consideration for others.
- You don't have much consideration for others.

Mother, you shouldn't have brought us up
to be so selfish.

I never did anything of the sort.

We didn't get selfish without some guidance.

Hey. You ought to be careful what you say.

- You don't want to hurt your mother.
- Why? She's never done anything for us.

- Don't joke... Don't even joke about it.
- He's quite right.

- She's really not much good as a mother.
- Don't say that. Don't say that!

Honest to Gods, if I had a mother like you,

I would kiss her feets every morning until I die.

So we were installed in the villa,

and we each settled down
and adapted ourselves to our surroundings,

in our respective ways.

To explain some of our more curious behaviour,

I feel that I should state
that at the time we were in Corfu,

the family were all quite young.

Apart from Mother, whose age we never knew,

for the simple reason that
she could never remember her date of birth.

(Gunshot)

- (Gunshot)
- Oh.

(Donkey brays)

Who parked that donkey there?

Why don't you move it if it disturbs you, dear?

Future generations
should not be deprived of my work

- because I was outside shooing away donkeys.
- Try this.

Bloody hell. What is it?

- Melitzana horiatiki.
- Haven't the cornflakes arrived?

Larry, darling,
we've come away to try new things.

I found a crab spider.

If you move it to a different coloured leaf,

it changes colour if you wait long enough.

(Sighs) Why's he wearing those boots
in this heat?

- Snakes.
- (Donkey brays)

- And the jumper?
- So we don't lose him.

Look, it's a large family,

- it could do with thinning out.
- (Gunshot)

For Christ's sake!

- Mm.
- Mm.

- (Gunshot)
- Now, is Leslie going to do that all day?

It's his hobby, we all need a hobby.
He's not very good at anything else.

Oh, yes, yes, we all need a hobby.

- (Donkey brays)
- Shut up!

I'm not sure that sunbathing like that
is terribly wise.

That... costume doesn't cover an awful lot.

Don't be so old-fashioned.

You only die once.

You know those black caterpillars
I thought were caterpillars?

They're not. They're ladybirds just hatched.

- But they look exactly like caterpillars.
- Hm?

Yes!

And the flies I was telling you about,
the lacewing flies...

- Yes?
- They lay their eggs inside flowers,

so that when... I'll tell you later.

- Where are you going?
- Exploring.

Have fun.

Does Mum know?

(Shouts) I'm going exploring!

(Barks)

In those early days of exploration,
Roger was the perfect companion for adventure,

affectionate without exuberance,
brave without being belligerent,

intelligent and full of good-humoured tolerance
for my eccentricities.

Excuse me.

Do you know how to spell beware?

And quiet?

I'll have a guess.

Oh, um...

(Laughs)

(Speaking Greek)

Ah.

(They laugh)

- Thank you.
- (Speaks Greek)

Not hatched yet, Roger.

(Buzzes)

(Leslie) All right, but that's it.

No more pets.

- How are my spots, Mother?
- Lovely, darling, you're very pretty.

(Leslie) Mm, pretty vain.
(Margo) Mummy's boy.

I am not! Am I, Mum?

It's Achilles' favourite.

Gerry.

You can take off your jumper.

He looks like a badly cooked chicken.

Oh, and one of Margo's...

admirers handed this in.

That was there for a reason.

Anyway, your spelling is appalling.
You need some sort of education.

- No! No, I don't.
- Yes, he must learn to dance.

Or he'll turn into one of
those awful tongue-tied hobbledehoys.

He needs a good grounding in literature.

- I recommend Rabelais.
- Too old for Gerry, I think.

It's important he gets sex
in the right perspective.

You have a mania about sex,
you drag it into everything.

A healthy, outdoor life, that's all he needs.
Shooting and sailing.

You talk like a bloody bishop.

- You are so opinionated!
- Shut up.

Children, stop it.
Look, we need someone who will teach Gerry,

- but also encourage his interest in wildlife.
- Why? It's just a phase.

- It's been going on since he was two.
- Why do you always talk about me

- as though I'm not here?
- My friend George is still out here.

- He could try teaching him.
- That's a good idea.

(Larry) Mm-hm.

(Sighs)

Um...

(Sighs)

Can you repeat the question? Again.

How long would it take six men to build a wall

if three of them took a week?

Er...

Erm...

All right. Um...

If it took two slugs

a week to eat eight leaves,

how long would it take four slugs
to eat the same number?

What kind of slug?

Any kind!

He just doesn't seem to be keen to learn.

Well, of course he isn't, George, he's 12.

And he is living in, what amounts to for him,
a large sweet shop.

Mother, is there any clean underwear?

Er...

A little louder, Margo, dear,
I'm not sure they got that in Macedonia.

Maybe you ought to close your mouth
before an insect flies in.

My, that's quite a blush.
We could toast a bun on you.

Ah, b-but... She's, um... terribly striking.

Yes. I should probably have put her
in the stout jumper rather than Gerald.

Talking of whom, I think the answer
is to play to his strengths, don't you?

Well, I have had a go.

You know, what are six cockatoos
times seven cockatoos kind of thing.

42 cockatoos.

Erm... yes.

(Laughs)

Oh.

Well, anyway, erm... let's, erm,
loosen the reins a little more, shall we?

And bring him outdoors.
Not natural to be inside.

You bastard!

As you can see.

That's good.

And er, let's not forget history.

Er, name Hannibal's elephants
as he crossed the Alps.

- Bardi.
- Good.

Jespa.

Amito.

Surus.

Domito...

Sextus.

Titus.

The Rose-Beetle Man.

And lessons are over for today.

Apparently.

The Rose-Beetle Man turned up fairly regularly

with some new addition to my menagerie.

A frog perhaps,
or a white pigeon with a broken leg.

(Bleating)

Rich Tea?

(Laughs)

Ah.

Mmm.

This is the exciting part.

Hampered by a reluctant pupil,

George strove to make my lessons
as entertaining as possible.

So, the French and British fleets
were slowly drawing together,

for what was to be the decisive sea battle
of the war.

Sea slugs!

I saw these in a book.

Right. When the enemy was sighted, Nelson...

- Ah!
- (Laughs)

Right. Nelson was on the bridge...

birdwatching through his telescope...

(Laughs)

...having been warned of the enemy's approach
by a friendly gull.

No. Don't ask me what kind of gull.

Theo.

Come on.
He's an eccentric nature-lover like you.

And an expert on practically everything.

Gerald Durrell. Dr Theodore Stephanides.

- Oh, very pleased to meet you.
- Oh, and you.

Ooh! I'm sorry.

(Laughs) Interesting.

A sea slug.

# Greensleeves was all my joy

# Greensleeves...

That really is the last pet he's getting.

# Greensleeves was my heart of gold

# And who but my lady Greensleeves #

- That was haunting.
- Thank you.

I love it here.

I want to be buried on Corfu.

Can't it wait until tomorrow?
It's turned a bit chilly out.

Under the biggest cypress tree in the garden.

You said up behind Yani, the shepherd's house.

Yes. I've been thinking
that might be a bit inaccessible.

I don't want the mourners dropping like flies
halfway up the hill.

(Larry) Hello, Spiro.
(George) Spiro.

You all right?

No.

It's Missy Margo.

What about her?

She...

She has a Turkish boyfriend.

What's wrong with that? Apart from George
being about to make his move.

- Bad luck, Georgie.
- What's wrong?

It's Missy Margo with a bastard,
son of a bitch Turk.

Swimming together.

- Is she pregnant?
- (Clatter)

- Excuse me.
- I'm sure she'll be fine.

We'll invite him to tea.

Tea?

Gerald, I have a gift for you from Dr Theo.

- Who's he, dear?
- He's a friend of George's.

He knows everything.

The only person I had met until now

who seemed to share my enthusiasm
for zoology was Theo.

I was extremely flattered
that a scientist of considerable repute -

and I could have told this by his beard -

talked to me as though
I was as knowledgeable as he.

This is the spider cyclops viridis,

that, erm...
that I caught out near Govino the other day.

One eye in the middle of its head!

It's incredible, isn't it? Hence ci-clops.

Cyclops.

Wait. I've got a marvellous book
about Greek mythologies somewhere.

Um...

I bought some insects.

I wondered if you knew what they are.

Gerry, I think we are going to get on rather well.

(Laughs)

Oh. Now, that is... Hoo.

These are really hard to catch.

So, now...

Pregnant.

I've been meaning to have a talk about this
because it's...

an important subject and very...

beautiful.

And...

quite...

confusing.

And even...

shocking.

What?

I know all about it. I'm always seeing animals
mating and giving birth.

Well, it did strike me as strange.

It's like a maternity ward here,
I thought you must know what goes on.

- Yes, I do.
- Excellent.

- Can I go now?
- No, because...

we humans are different from animals.

We...

Er, well, perhaps... we think too much.

And, erm...

And you'll find that sometimes life,

and your life too,

will be painful.

Especially when it comes...

to love.

(Sighs)

Well, look at poor George. He's so upset
about Margo, he's gone back to England.

Why didn't he look for someone else here?

Well, because he feels...

hopeless and...

Ionely and... he needs his family...

There's a man looking all smart
coming up the path.

God.

Already?

Everyone! He's here.

Margo's told us so much about you.

We love Margo.

Do have a scone.

- You write, I believe.
- Yes, I, er...

I always feel I could write superbly if I tried.

Really? Well, it's a gift, isn't it?

He swims very well. Goes out terribly far.

Perhaps he'd like to demonstrate.

I'm a superb swimmer.

I know no fear.

When I ride a horse,
I have no fear because I ride superbly.

I can sail a boat in a typhoon.

Without fear.

You see,

I am not a fearful man.

I wish you wouldn't wear so much perfume.

(Dog barks)

(Sobs) It's Achilles.

He's fallen down a well.

- I think he's dead.
- Oh.

He's a tortoise.

Ah.

(Speaks Greek)

What are they?

Rose-beetles.

Beautiful.

Sometimes I can see
why you prefer creatures to people.

Why are you so interested in them?

They're just like us, aren't they?

Families.

I want to know how they all work.

Imagine if they weren't there.

- Does he have to put them on strings?
- It's better than in a box.

Let's buy them all.

For days, the villa was full of rose-beetles,

falling like emeralds into our laps.

(Indistinct chatter)

I've invited one or two people out
for a week or so.

- Oh, that will be nice.
- Yeah.

It will be good to have
some intelligent and stimulating company.

- Oh, I hope they're not too highbrow.
- Of course they're not. They are charming.

Like me.

(Man shouting)

Little English lord.

- Why do they think we are lords and ladies?
- (Larry) Because we act like it.

Tell the Pension Suisse your friends are coming.

No, no. I invited them to stay with us.

- How can they possibly stay with us?
- There's plenty of room.

- If Margo and Les sleep on the balcony.
- What?

- That gives you two rooms.
- You have to write and put them off.

I can't. They're on their way.

Oh, really, you are so thoughtless.
Where are they going to sleep?

(Sighs) We'll move into a bigger villa.

We can't afford it. Are you simple?

It's important to live beyond your means,
or banks don't respect you.

- How many people have you really invited?
- Eight.

To... twelve.

Well, we are not moving to another villa.

(Speaks Greek)

Mother went about settling us in again.

Our neat little house in Bournemouth
seemed several lifetimes away.

Inside of...

Ah, Mrs Durrells. This is Lugaretzia.

She, er, she comes with the house.

(Speaks Greek)

(Moans and sighs)

She has a bad stomach.

- (Larry) Very odd.
- Well, I'll just...

Oh. (Sighs)

I'm going to kill her.

Put her out of her misery.

(Mother) Poor woman. She's obviously suffering.
(Larry) What's the matter?

- Digestion. She gets these nasty...
- Don't tell us.

It's her feet now, apparently. Don't say anything,
there's no one else available.

Yummy, yummy.

I told you it was a good idea to move.

The furniture could be
a little more sturdy, perhaps.

Did I ever tell you about the last opera
we had in Corfu?

Er, no.

(Theo) Oh.

Yes, it was one of those
travelling opera companies performing Tosca

with a leading lady who was very, er...

well developed.

Now, in the final act, as you probably know,
she throws herself to her death

from the battlements of a castle.

Well, on the first night,

it seems the stagehands had forgotten
to put anything for her to land on,

so she fell with a huge crash,

and then proceeded groaning quite loudly,

while her lover was singing about
how sad he was that she was dead.

- Oh.
- Shall we help him back on?

- No, I think that might put him off.
- (Laughs)

The lady was, er, very, very upset,
understandably,

so the next night, the stagehands made sure

that they put a huge pile of mattresses
for her to land on.

But her landing was now so soft and springy,

that when the whole cast was singing away
about her tragic death,

she, the lady in question, reappeared,

two or three times above the battlements.

- Do you make these up?
- No.

- Nothing ever goes according to plan in Corfu.
- (Car horn)

Larry's friends.

- I think Mother's a bit worried about them.
- Why?

(Woman) Not bad, eh? Bleeding enormous.

(Clattering)

A little bit quicker with that.

When is lunch?

(Sighs)

Yes, it won't be long.

Oh!

Look. A tortoise.

- I watched it hatching.
- Oh, another tortoise. Splendid.

Please go and find Larry.
His friends are driving me mad.

Larry!

After weeks of searching,
I - I found the perfect trees covered...

in exquisite blossom.

I started to paint...

a masterpiece.

When I returned the next day...

I found all the blossom had fallen to the ground.

- That's the wind for you.
- I swore I'd never paint again.

But slowly...

I am recovering my nerves.

And...

And sometime...

I will start to paint again.

Larry!

Out you go, kid. I'm working.

(Both) Hommm.

Hommm.

Far from being the ordinary, charming people
that Larry had promised,

his friends turned out to be
the most extraordinary eccentrics.

It was like observing a whole new species.

(Both) Ha, ha.

(Sighs)

(Gerry) Larry's too busy mating with Nancy.

Of course there's going to be a war.

That's what dictators do when they're bored
with oppressing their own people.

Is Hitler a dictator? I thought he was a painter.

So he can't be all bad.

- Painter and decorator.
- Oh.

Europe is a like a big, fat marrow,

lying in the sun, panting to explode.

Do you bloody poets not make sense
on purpose? I mean, what was that?

At least the Italian fascists
are spending their money on nice uniforms.

Germany's become a bomb-making factory.

No, that's just to give everybody
something to do. It's all about business.

You know nothing. You're Humpty Dumpty.

Ah. Humpty Dumpty. Now thank you.

At last, real poetry. Simple, free of cliches,
you could learn from it.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Now, I mean, that could clearly be about Hitler.

Humpty as Hitler? I don't think that's right.

I think the more accurate analogy
there might be some... Hickory Dickory Dock.

- Well, if you're going to do mice...
- Come on, Larry.

It's not like you not to have an opinion.

No, it's not.

We're cut off from the world here.

I suppose we've grown rather fond of
our glorious isolation.

Actually, Larry thinks
the world's cut off from him,

- rather than the other way round.
- I do now you mention it. Yes, I do.

Fine. But you may wake up and find
there's no England to go back to.

Oh, I'm... I'm sure common sense will prevail.

Why? It never does in this family.

You'll find that Hickory Dickory Dock

is the mouse is going up the clock,
that's us being...

- The mouse being England, used to be...
- Could you just spit it out?

...now reduced to little mouse.

Tricking its way up the top
and that's us being chased.

(Struggles to breathe)

Oh, God! It's her asthma.

- She's allergic to cats.
- That's the only animal we haven't got.

I'll open the windows.

Please, don't - don't open the window.
I'm allergic to fresh air.

Could it be bats?
I think we've got some of those.

- How could it be bats?
- I don't know.

Just breathe. God.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Just breathe.

Gerry, you're starting to look like a wild animal.

Thanks.

Have you ever stuffed a bat?

No.

It's harder than it looks.

If this works, I'm going to do Larry.

Isn't it enough just to look at them in the wild?

(Gerry) I like having them around me,

making noises,

smelling.

You're right. It's just like a family.

Did you hear the others talking about
what's happening in Germany?

Yes.

(Sighs) It seems so safe here.

(Chirping)

No, barn owl! Barn owl, no!

No!

- (Clears throat) Morning.
- Morning.

- What's he doing?
- The usual.

He was doing it at 2am
this morning with a torch.

He says the day shift
is totally unlike the night shift.

Just to warn you, the wild and the woolly
are stirring indoors,

and I don't mean Gerry's animals.

Larry, you might encourage your friend Mr Miller
to experiment with pyjamas.

Henry sees clothes
as the last refuge of the bourgeoisie.

Watch this. Three, two...

- (Dog barks)
- (Leslie) Good.

Perhaps it's just as well your father didn't live
to see how you all turned out.

How extraordinarily insensitive of you.
I think you nagged him to death.

We're actually rather well adjusted.

Well, I am.

Oh.

I think I may have over-celebrated
the god of wine last night.

Erm...

Larry.

Don't move.

- Bloody hell!
- (Screams)

What are you doing?

It's that boy.
Every matchbox in this house is a deathtrap.

Mother, they're coming. Quick, do something!

- How did those scorpions get on the table?
- No, no!

- (Margo screams)
- Margo, where are they?

- Put the chair down, Leslie.
- Hit them with a book.

No! No!

No!

Hit them with a book!

Scorpions won't hurt you
unless you're clumsy with them.

They kill people, you idiot. They sting you,
it's excruciating, and then you die.

What on earth is going on?

Oh, my God, it's scorpions.

Oh, God.

- Breathe slowly.
- Don't have an attack.

I got a nosebleed.
It feels like I've got a nosebleed.

- Gerry. (Screams)
- (Gerry) Look, it's fine.

No! No, he's out of control.
He's driven my friends away.

I know. That's such a shame.

Well, what should I do?

Post him back to England in a big package
with his head sticking out?

- Don't be ridiculous.
- Don't tell me what to be.

You're my child, not my husband.

You are not driving this...
slightly ramshackle vehicle.

You're in the back, being driven.

Eating chocolates.

Well, I think it's about to crash.

Well, we'll see, shall we?

Gerald.

This is Peter.

- Hello, Gerald.
- Hello.

All right, thank you, Mrs Durrell.
I'm sure Gerald and I will be just fine.

(Sighs)

(Sighs) Right.

Good.

Let me tell you something about me.

I believe in the building blocks of education.

There are no short cuts, there is only repetition,
rule learning and hard work.

Let's start with some basic...

mathematics.

Page one, number one.

When you've done that, move on to page 83,
work through those.

Hello, I'm Margo.

What a pleasant surprise.

I'd offer to teach you too, only you look like
you know everything already.

(Laughs and squeals)

- Can I have a biscuit?
- No.

- Do call out if you need anything.
- I might just do that.

(Laughs)

I say.

She loves being in the garden.

- Does she?
- Mm.

(Gerry) Chatting.

Shall I write a story?

A long story?

Good idea.

"Larry wrestled with the jaguar,

"the animal's incisors...

"inches from the tall, fleshy man's
soft, girlish skin.

"Larry glanced over to desperately see

"his brother Gerald having rather more success
tackling the massive boa constrictor

"wrapped round his mother's waist
like a rope of iron.

"He tore at the creature with a knife,
careful not to hurt it.

"Gerald finally sent the constrictor packing,
then turned to his older brother,

"who was whimpering with fear,
cornered by the jaguar."

Gerry, your stuffed bat smells even worse
than everything else, if that were possible.

Please get rid of it.

- Where's Peter?
- He set me some work.

I'm working very hard.

I think he might be somewhere with Margo.

You can see that this essentially loamy soil

gives way...

...gives way further up the scarp,
to a more clay strata

- with the characteristic alluvium.
- Mm-hm.

There are publications on the subject
if you're interested.

Baldwin's Dictionary Of Soil
gives all types from A to Z,

and all letters in between.

(Leslie) Oh, Larry.

Oh!

I've grabbed it. I've got it.

(Gerry) They never let me win.

Forward. Forward with the Light Brigade.

Hey!

Oh!

- Does this remind you of Bournemouth?
- Not really, Les, no.

(Gerry) Was that a porpoise?

You should buy a costume and come in, Mum.

Ooh, no. Not at my age.

We get all the fun we need from sitting down
with a ball of knobbly wool.

Oh, don't be a wimp.

Whoa. Whoa.

(Sighs)

When's Margo coming back?

Dunno. Mother took her shopping.

(Sighs)

How do you spell scimitar?

You don't expect me to read that drivel
when you've finished it.

All right. Stop scribbling. By tomorrow
I want you to have written out all your tables.

Eight times.

I'll tell Mummy and big bro you won't work.

They'll have you off to that boarding school in
Surrey they've no doubt got lined up for you.

- Where's your annoying friend?
- Gone.

- You're not still writing that novel?
- No.

- Birthday list.
- Thank God.

Two obsessive writers in the family,
that's all we need.

What do you want, then?

I've done a list for each person.

And here's yours.

- A boat.
- I'm not allowed to use the Sea Cow.

- You could make me one.
- Do you know how much time that would take?

You know so much about boats.

Oh.

All right.

You should have a birthday party, Gerry.

Small but distinguished gathering,
ten people you like best.

- Thank you, Larry.
- Pleasure. I'll get Mother to arrange it.

Not only I, but each family member
invited ten people to the party.

Unfortunately, we didn't all invite the same ten.

The result was that Mother,
on the eve of the party,

suddenly discovered
we were going to have not ten guests, but 50.

Larry suggested the puppies be called
Widdle and Puke, and the names stuck.

(Sawing)

Hello.

(Laughs)

When we gots married, I asked my wife,

"How many childrens you want?"
She says two.

I gives her two, vadoom, vadoom.

Then I gets her sewed up.

Uh? (Laughs)

13 years old, uh?

Who would believe it?

(Sobs)

(Inhales deeply)

Right!

(Music stops, applause)

(Clears throat)

Can we get this over with?

- He doesn't like it.
- I do, I love it.

Get it into the water, so we can go back to bed.

- She needs a name before we can launch her.
- Jolly Roger. Can I go now?

No. Something more interesting.

Arbuckle?

Bootle.

- The Bumtrinket.
- Don't be rude, Larry.

I name this boat the Bootle Bumtrinket.

(Creaking)

Told you the mast was too big.

He'll have to go, of course.

Yeah.

Who? Where?

Peter.

He and Margo are obviously...

becoming too fond of each other.

Look, I hardly want him as a relative,

- but you can't blame them for wanting to...
- Yes.

I don't want to hear your current word for it,
thank you.

I think it's too short now.

(Inaudible)

(Both sob)

- This is so unfair.
- It's so unfair.

I love him.

You love him. I know.

Love is lovely.

But terrible.

(Margo) There's no other work
for Peter here on the island.

He'll have to go back to Athens.

I'll shoot him if he tries to come back.

A little bit reactionary, perhaps.

You've got to be firm
under these circumstances.

Family honour is at stake.

I put the word out. They'll stop him
at the docks if he try to get back in.

(Mother) I have nothing more to say to you,
so if I can show you out...

I hate you!

You've destroyed my life.

Margo, darling.
I would love you to find someone,

but I fear Peter was not the one.

- What do you know?
- I know how to protect my family.

- You do not!
- Yes, I do!

I'm staying in my bedroom.
I don't want to see anyone.

Somebody's been pinching things
from the Sea Cow.

- Not on Corfu. Who?
- Fishermen, presumably.

- I'm worried about Margo.
- Mmm.

She's been in her room for nearly a week.

- She's never refused food before.
- I saw Gerry with a tray.

Well, yes, she takes it from him.

(Sighs)

Perhaps Peter wouldn't have been so bad.

- He was appalling.
- Yes, he was, wasn't he?

He's threatened to come back
and snatch Margo away.

Apparently.

Aw.

How romantic.

(Gunshot)

(Dogs bark)

What's happening?

Margo's done something silly. Where is she?

Margo!

Thank God. I thought
you'd done something terrible to yourself.

- Someone's shot Peter!
- What's wrong?

(Larry) Shut up till we know what's happening.

I need to check he's all right.

- (Gerry) Come on. Back in.
- Leave him alone, you cowards!

Burglars.

Where? Get the bloody dogs in.

- (Margo moans)
- (Larry) Everyone, shut up!

- I need to check if Peter's all right.
- What? I wasn't shooting at him!

It was my burglar warning device.

Did you expect nobody would hear?

I'm protecting the family's assets
from those fishermen.

In case they were out there.

I - I don't even have to get out of bed,
you see.

- Look. Shall I demonstrate?
- No!

No, you madman!

They're too far away to get badly hurt.

Animals and explosions all day, bloody great
12-gun salutes in the middle of the night.

There's eccentricity. And then there's stupidity!

(Dog whimpers)

Do you have to kill quite so many?

You said I was allowed to hunt.

- Poor innocent creatures.
- It's the hunting season.

They expect to be shot.

How is she?

Still sad. Reading poetry.

Who?

- Um... Tennyson.
- (Sighs) Ugh.

- How can we jolt her out of this?
- Don't expect me to help,

- I believe in free love.
- No, you don't, you silly boy.

Why doesn't she stop moping around, disguise
herself as a peasant and fly into Peter's arms?

(Speaks Greek)

Lugaretzia, that's horrible.
I'm so sorry that Roger bit you.

I'd no idea wild boar was so big.

- Do be careful.
- It's perfectly safe.

- Unless they charge. (Laughs)
- You can always vault over it.

- Vault over a charging boar?
- Why not?

Well, do come with me today
to the marshes and demonstrate.

I don't profess to be a man of action, Les,

I supply the ideas,
it's your job to carry them out.

You always think the things

- other people do are simple.
- They are.

He's right. You never put your suggestions
into practice.

Yes. Are you ever going to actually do anything?

Fine.

My honour's at stake.

Prepare me a gun.

I'm going down to the beach. Don't follow me.

(Sighs)

I didn't think it was going to be this... dank.

So, trickiest of all is
what's called the right and left,

where you make two kills in quick succession
first with the right, then the left barrel.

Sounds easy enough.

(Gun clicks)

You might want to load it.

I know.

(Flock of birds flies off)

Agh!

(Moans)

Hold the gun above your head
and don't stand up,

or you'll sink. Stay how you are.

No. Now you've choked the bloody barrels!

- Would you rather I was sucked under?
- Yes!

Ooh. Ah.

- Get me out of here.
- Hold the gun out to me.

Forget the gun, save me!

I can't reach you unless you give me
the end of the gun.

Working, working, working, working.

- Oh.
- Oh!

I'm going down. I'm going under.

I'm going under.
It's Shelley, it's Shelley all over again.

Ooh. Ooh.

Take it.

Oh, God!

(Groans)

Come on.

- Ow!
- Oh.

(Breathes heavily)

All right?

Oh, yes.

- Having a wonderful time.
- Good.

And on with the hunting.

(Sighs)

I don't know what I'll do, Lugaretzia,
if Germany...

You want to gather all your children.

Gather them up and shout at everyone else
to keep away.

Makes you very selfish.

(Sighs)

(Dog barks)

How did that go?

Oh.

I should ask Larry.

Don't say a word.

(Laughs) Was that fun?

You seem to be missing a shoe.

(Gerry) Did you fall in a bog?

(Laughs)

It's rather windy out there.

Margo, dear, I sometimes wonder
if you're quite right.

Oh, leave me alone.

Are you back with us now?

Do I look...

windswept and interesting at all?

No, dear.

(Thud)

Larry's really hitting the brandy.

- Well, he's in shock, the poor boy.
- Mm.

(Larry) # Greensleeves was all my joy... #

(Sighs)

- No, not the singing.
- #... my delight #

Larry.

(Snores)

Now, come on. Stop being a fool
and drink this down at once.

(Slurs) You're a horrible old woman.

I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before.

- Yes, well.
- (Groans)

I'll put that down to the drink.

(Sighs)

Not that you're so different when you're sober.

(Groans)

- (Yawns)
- (Cock crows)

- Morning.
- Mm.

(Coughs)

Fire.

- Fire!
- Fire!

- (Both) Fire! Fire!
- Wake up. The house is on fire!

(Coughs)

What's going on?

- It's not me this time.
- (Margo) Larry's on fire!

Larry.

Larry! For heaven's sake, wake up!

Wake up!

The room's on fire!

You all put it out. I've got a bit of a headache.

Pour something on it.

- No, no, no! Not brandy, you...
- (Screams)

Please use it. I've had enough.

Why did he do that? Are you trying
to freeze me to death?

Oh, shut up!

Oh, this is nice. Look.
Organdie with puffed sleeves.

Henry's written a filthy book!

Excellent.

(Leslie) Oh, now that is...

Look at that. Telescopic sight.

- Bolt-action.
- Great Aunt Hermione wonders how you are.

Mother, I'm buying a chimpanzee.

- No, you're not.
- (Sighs)

She claims doctors don't hold out
much hope for her.

- Have they ever?
- She was doubtful about us rushing to Corfu,

but after their winter,
she thinks it wasn't stupid.

- A chipmunk, then?
- No.

- Oh, Lord.
- (Margo) What?

Oh, no.

The doctors have advised a warm climate.

- She's coming to stay.
- No!

It's grim enough being shown
Lugaretzia's latest suppurating wound,

without having a great aunt
dying all over the place.

- Write and tell her there's no room.
- I can't.

- I told her what a big villa we have.
- I've got it.

I've got it. I'll write to her
and tell her that you've died.

- Larry!
- (Leslie) Larry!

Fine. We'll move to a smaller villa,

which will also force jungle boy
to get rid of some of his bloody animals.

- They're less trouble than your silly friends.
- Oh, yes?

You're an animal too. Let's get rid of you first.

It is too big, this house.

The stairs are really tiring.

Children. We are not moving again.

(Speaks Greek)

We moved in and the bats
that were living there moved out.

As Margot said, typically,

"A change is as good as a feast."

(Moans)

I'm sorry we didn't believe you
when you said you got seasick, Spiro, dear.

Will you survive?

(Burps)

- (Vomits)
- Excuse me.

Hello. Stop.

I - I think...

(Cries)

How you doing, Spiro?

Feeling better?

Yeah.

(Vomits)

Perhaps we should have come by car.

I adore this place.

Look away, Margo, dear.

- Theo.
- Hm?

- Are you all right?
- No, I'm fine.

Yes. No, I'm very good.

Look at those gulls flying over.

Yes. Yes.

All the nice gulls love a sailor.

Do you know, I should like to be buried here.

Oh, make up your mind.

I'm afraid I heard on the wireless yesterday
that Germany...

Shhh. Stop.

Let's not spoil it.

Oi!

Son of a bitch fish.

The magic of the island had settled over us
as gently and clingingly as pollen.

Each day had a tranquillity
and timelessness about it.

We wished that it would never end.

(Roger grumbles)

(Roger barks)

(Roger barks)

- Where have you been?
- How do you mean?

You've been gone for two days.

- You knew where I was.
- No. Where?

Out and about.

Please.

No more long trips.

How will you ever put on shoes again?

And be normal?

- Oh, do talk to me. You are not a wild animal.
- I've given up shoes.

Oh, you're back. What have you brought
this time, a woolly mammoth?

- Did you feed everyone?
- Yes.

More or less.

(Mother) Oh, aren't they sweet?

Gerry, why do you bring all these animals back?

How revolting.

- Golly. What's them?
- Magpies.

Oh, maggenpies, huh?
What's you going to do with them bastards?

Magpies, Spiro, magpies.

Maggenpies.

(Laughs) These are maggenpies.

No.

Mag-pies.

Yeah. Maggenpies.

Maaag...

pies.

Maaaggenpies.

- What's he brought now?
- Maggenpies.

Awful thieves, maggenpies,
put them back where you found them.

I can't. Their mother won't take them.
I'll train them.

- It will be all right.
- I could easily shoot them if you'd like.

- No.
- No, thank you.

Come on, Mum. You know you want to.

No. I've changed my mind.

Too old.

- Haven't got a figure for swimming.
- Don't be ridiculous, woman.

Oh, come on. If not now, when?

I won't be here forever.

- Whoa. I'm gonna drown, I'm gonna drown.
- (They laugh)

- All right?
- You can't wear that.

- It looks like it was made in 1920.
- It was all they had. Sorry.

I should have popped over to Paris.

- Mrs Durrell, you look splendid.
- Thank you.

(Larry) Don't forget to shake the fish out
when you come out of the water.

Shut up! This is my moment
and I don't want you spoiling it.

- Going in, the creature is going in.
- (Margo laughs)

(Leslie) All right.

- (Roger barks)
- Ooh.

Ow! Look, get the dog off.

Oh!

(Margo) Eat up, Roger.

Here. Mrs Durrell, give me your hand.

You're all right. You're all right.

Oh. Ooh. The bum monster.

That hasn't seen the sun for a long time.

Oh, my God.

Don't be embarrassed, I am a doctor.

Although I am off duty at the moment.

(Laughter)

Gerry.

(Screams)

Stay back. Stay back.

OK. I... (Screams)

- (Leslie) I'm the king of the ship.
- You should be proud of yourself.

Not so sure.

Who was it who said, "If you can control your
family, you've gone terribly wrong somewhere"?

Aristotle?

No.

Was it me?

Yes.

My mother steered her vessel
full of strange progeny

through the stormy seas of life with great skill.

As Larry rightly pointed out, "We can be
proud of the way we brought her up."

(Larry) Oh, that sodding boy!

And that was that.

No.

I think you're old enough to sort yourselves out.

They've made an awful mess of your papers.

Those bloody birds!

No more wildlife!

Gerald!

Gerald!

Ah.

Here.

- (Speaks Greek)
- Oh.

- Theo. What a pleasure.
- (Bird) Theo.

(They laugh)

I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mrs Durrell.

What's Gerry done?

No, nothing.

I think you should return to England
with your family.

Has Larry been annoying people again?

Britain and Greece
will shortly be engulfed by war.

If you leave it too late,
you'll have grave difficulties getting back.

Can't bear to tell Gerry.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

Has Leslie finally shot someone?

We have to leave the island.

Right.

Bad luck, Theo.

You get Gerry's animals to look after.

Yes.

No, I will do it.

Theo.

So sorry, Gerry.

We have to go home.

- (Dog barks)
- Agh!

(Spiro sobs)

Oh.

Oh, it feels like I say goodbye
to my own peoples.

I feels you belong to me.

(Muffled) I'm coming back, Spiro.

Honestly.

You come back, honest?

Goodbye.

Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye, Margo.

I'll miss you.

Hey, hey, hey.

No more shootings for you now, huh?
There's a war on.

Oh.

(Exchange in Greek)

I'm, er... actually staying, Spiro.

Sorry.

Boys. (Laughs)

- (Sobs)
- Goodbye, Lugaretzia.

And, er, good luck with all...

your illnesses.

Right. I've, er... scribbled down
some essential reading.

Nothing, you know, too arduous.

But I think...

the most important thing is, um...

Well...

(Foghorn)

(Spiro sobs)

I'm sorry. I don't mean to cry.

(Birds chirp)

Theo!

Don't forget to feed Quasimodo.

And Spiro, you know Aleka likes fresh sardines.

- Don't worry.
- Everything's under control.

- What is Aleka?
- The huge, angry seagull.

You'll need some thick gloves. Good luck.

So when are we coming back?

Soon, Gerry, soon.

After you've had a bit of an education.

So what have I just had?

Erm...

Not sure.

So is it downhill from now on?

- Yes, I rather think it is.
- Shall I fire off a ceremonial ten-gun salute?

- (Gerry) No.
- Absolutely not.

You know what, Gerry?
They're all right, your stories.

Not terribly flattering...

but pretty good.

It was nice to be all together.

Yes, it was.

What a rude man.

(Margo) What?

"Description of passengers:
One travelling circus and staff."

An odd thing to write.

Some people really are peculiar.

Back in England,
Mother insisted I went to school,

despite my protestation
that I liked being half-educated.

You were so much more surprised at everything
when you were ignorant.