My Fake Fiancé (2009) - full transcript

Woman's voice:
Not another wedding.

Sure they can be lovely,

but when you're a single girl

and most of your friends
are married,

let's just say going to weddings

can be treacherous.

I know Courtney and Steve
mean well,

yet I'm always
at the losers' table.

( Jazz music playing )

Woman's voice:
Okay okay, I'll behave.

Maybe for once, the guy
they put me next to will be...



Decent.

Weddings.

What a joke.

Beautiful ceremony, wasn't it?

I couldn't believe they used
"thou shalt obey" in the vows.

Who does that?

Actually, I was, um...

I was just making
a little small talk.

Great. They sat me
next to that guy.

What do you mean "that guy"?

Well, I notice you're not
wearing a ring and you're what,

- mid-30s?
- Uh, late 20s...

To early 30s.

Let me guess,
you lease a really nice car



you could never buy,
you never cry in movies

and you only bang hot chicks.

- Have we met?
- No.

They're perfect for each other.
( Giggles )

So why don't you like weddings?

It's a silly fairy tale...
Marrying the man of your dreams

and living happily ever after

in a gingerbread house next
to the field of cotton candy.

Yummy.

No, I mean there's
no such thing as soulmates.

- So you sleep around?
- Sorry.

- I'm not your type.
- I don't have a type.

- What makes you think I have a type?
- Oh please.

You ever hear the phrase
"the clothes make the man"?

( Chuckles )
Maybe.

- Well, look at you.
- What?

You were invited to a formal wedding but
you obviously couldn't afford a tuxedo,

so you decided you'd get away with
a dark suit and matching tie.

Only you don't own a dark suit,
just a Navy blue blazer

which, judging by the width of
the lapel is what, 10 years old?

Not that you couldn't afford
a new one necessarily,

but because you also chose not
to get it cleaned and pressed,

I'm guessing you're one of those
people that just can't be bothered.

As long as it fits, why get a new one?
Am I right?

Wow.

Which would also explain the jeans
and the stain on your shirt.

- May I?
- What are you...

Yeah, just like I thought.
A clip-on.

And I bet you're going commando 'cause
you don't like the boys to be tied up.

Right?

- Want me to show you?
- Yeah. Hey, show the world, flash.

( Laughs )
You don't know me.

- ( Music stops )
- ( Guests applauding )

Hi, can you do me a favor?
Would you mind switching seats with me?

I don't think
she'll attack her own.

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Just getting started ♪

♪ And you know
it's party time ♪

♪ Come on now, D.J. ♪

♪ Play a little something... ♪

Beer, please.

Do you know
the score on the game?

Thanks.

Thank you so much.
Really appreciate it.

Man:
You're welcome, Steve.

Congratulations, buddy.

Thanks, man.

Do you have service?

May I?

How do I know you're
gonna call a 900 number?

- I won't.
- Fine.

Hey, it's Vince.
Is The Monkey there?

Oh.
How did I do today?

Damn it. Crap.

Yeah, I know The Monkey's
looking for me.

- Thank you.
- So how much do you owe?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

( Laughs )
You don't realize how transparent you are.

Either you owe money or you're
being stalked by a monkey.

It's not a monkey,
it's The Monkey.

So how much
do you owe The Monkey?

Enough.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

How big a haul would you say
they're going to take in?

Have you seen their registry?
Who needs a $600 towel warmer?

People say gambling's
throwing your money away.

Plus, when I tried
to get them something

almost all the gifts
had already been bought.

And you should see the pile of gifts
she got at the bridal shower.

I bet if you add it up,
over the years I've spent...

$20 grand in wedding gifts.

Yeah.
Yeah, at least.

I guess in theory
it's like a savings account.

You know, we're supposed
to get that money back one day

- when we get married?
- We? ( Chuckles )

Like I'd ever marry
a guy like you.

Really?

I was kinda hoping
we could grow old together.

Whoo.

Besides the hernia
and the back spasms,

I think that went very well.

I owe you one.
Moving is the biggest drag there is.

- So are you still scared?
- I have no margin for error.

I put all my savings
into the down payment.

What if I get laid off?

- Am I crazy for doing this?
- Look...

You've been saving for six
years to buy your first place.

I mean, you'll be fine
as long as you don't

buy food or gas or,
god forbid, turn on a light.

Ah, well, that whole food
thing is overrated.

- ( Laughs )
- I just... I'm really gonna miss this place.

Seven years, three boyfriends,

- four crash diets.
- ( Groans )

That cabbage
and cayenne pepper thing

almost killed me.

I'm just gonna go take
one last look around.

All right. I'll use
the little boys' room.

It's great that you're moving into
Courtney and Steve's building.

Yeah, I wouldn't have found
the apartment otherwise.

I meant that they'll be there to
help us unload on the other end.

( Scoffs )
Don't you wish?

They're still
on their honeymoon.

( Truck starts )

- I'll meet you outside.
- Okay.

( Sighs )

- Uh, Jennifer?
- All right, I'll put it back.

Can I show you something?

What happened?

There's a slight possibility

that I might have left
the keys in the ignition.

( Sighs )

You are no longer
my gay boyfriend.

( Box thuds )

Be the coffee-maker.
Be the coffee-maker.

( Both grunt )

The Monkey sends his regards.

Fellas, how sweet.
You decided to stop by, huh?

A phone call would've
sufficed, really.

Yeah, listen.
You got something for him?

You have to tell The Monkey
I need some more time.

Fellas, come on.
There's gotta be a choice.

- There's always a choice, right?
- Yeah, we can leave you

in here on the floor
in a crumpled mess

or out there on the tracks.
I'll let you decide.

Those the only choices?

- ( Coughing )
- ( Chuckling )

- Okay.
- That's a bad cough, Vince.

You might want
to get that checked out.

Now we'll be back next week.

Either you have
the money by then or...

Let me guess,
it'll be monkey business?

I was just gonna say break some
bones, but that was way more clever.

You know, you're smarter
than you look.

You guys are really
a cliché, you know that?

- We are not.
- Are too.

- We are not!
- ( Coughs )

Let's get out of here.

Congratulations.

- Excuse me?
- Oh well, I couldn't help but notice.

You know, there's
an easier way to do that.

Everything is computerized
these days.

So just choose what you want,
aim the gun at the bar code

and pull the trigger.
It's a lot of fun.

- ( Beeping )
- ( Pop music playing )

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Put on my pretty shoes... ♪
Wow.

- This is fun.
- ♪ oh yeah... ♪

( Beeping )

♪ Fairy tales come true ♪

♪ I feel like a princess girl ♪

♪ All dressed up having fun ♪

♪ In a princess world ♪

- ♪ A princess world... ♪
- here you go.

♪ I feel like a princess girl... ♪

You know what they say...

It pays to get married.

♪ In a princess world ♪

( Sighs )

- ( Machine beeps )
- Hey, it's Courtney. Leave me a message.

Jennifer's voice:
Hey Courtney, it's Jennifer.

I hope you guys are having
a great time on your honeymoon.

But listen, um,
there was a guy at the wedding,

I think his name was Vince.

Well, we were talking
and I just...

I have some information for him.

So no big deal, but you know,

if you could call me back with
his number that'd be great.

Thanks.

Ooh, The Monkey guy.

Hi, is...
Is Monkey there?

- Man: It's The Monkey.
- What?

- Man: You heard me.
- The Monkey?

- You're the kidding, right?
- No, I'm not kidding.

- Oh, sorry.
- Who is this?

Listen, a guy named Vince called
you the other day from my phone.

I really need to talk to him,
but I don't have his number.

- Yeah, I'll give it to you.
- Oh, that's great. Thanks.

- You're very the kind.
- What are you, smart?

- Don't be smart.
- Okay, I won't do it again, I'm sorry.

I have to admit. I was a
little surprised you called.

I didn't think you liked me.

- I don't.
- Well, I don't like you either.

Great. Lunch?

Vince:
Did you put it on a credit card?

- Maybe the credit card company insurance will pay for it.
- I checked.

The truck is covered,
but not what was in it.

That's too bad.
I still don't see

what all this has
to do with me though.

I was thinking about something
you said at the wedding,

about how the money we put into wedding
gifts is like a savings account.

Well I really need
to make a withdrawal.

Really really can't sleep
another night on throw pillows.

- So what I was thinking was...
- I'm in.

- Well, I didn't even...
- I'm in. I love it.

It's perfect. I'm in.
We stage a fake wedding.

We invite everyone that we know.

You register for all the stuff
you want to replace,

I get to keep all the cash.
It's perfect. I'm in.

How long do we have to stay married
in order to keep the gifts?

- So you think it's a good idea?
- Oh! You know what else?

We can turn all
the gifts into cash too.

Take the whole bundle down to the
track, double and triple our money,

furnish your place
like a palace.

Check, please!

Yeah, this isn't gonna work.
Wedding's off.

Wow, talk about
commitment issues.

You're getting cold feet
over our pretend wedding.

( Phone rings )

Hello.

You're kidding!
Where?

That's great.
I'll be right there.

- Have a nice life.
- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute! What about...
What about the money?

Your furniture?

Our love?

Be the coffee-maker.
Be the coffee-maker.

So are you thinking D.J. or a band?

- Oh! Here it is.
- Yeah.

"Invited guests have an
obligation to send a gift

whether they are
attending or not."

Seriously? That is...
That is awesome.

So we need to invite
everyone that we know.

In fact, we should invite
everyone that we've ever met.

Especially the rich ones.

You know what?
I spilled coffee once on Donald Trump.

Why don't we send a couple of
invites over to Trump Tower,

see what happens?

- Brilliant.
- Thank you.

Okay, just so we're clear...

We announce our engagement,
we send out invitations

and then just before
the wedding we call it off.

I keep all the gifts
for my apartment

- and you keep the cash to pay off your debt.
- It's perfect.

Plus, you know the girls love a
guy who's been left at the altar.

So I will definitely
be seeing some sympathy.

Boom chick-a wah-wah.
( Chuckles )

Wow. I just hope
people will buy

- that I've actually lowered my standards this much.
- ( Mock-laughs )

So what does it say about calling it off?
I need to know how long

we need to keep this charade up? I
really need to pay off The Monkey.

Oh no. "If the couple calls off their
engagement prior to the wedding,

all gifts must be promptly returned."

So wait a minute, what does that mean?

That we have to actually
go through with it?

Apparently so.

You and I are broke.
We can't afford a wedding.

Yes, we can.

We pretend we're
planning a wedding.

But then as the date approaches,

we get overwhelmed by the
details and have to elope.

It's perfect.
We get the gifts,

but without the wedding.

- That could work.
- It will work.

All we have to do is convince
people that we're in love.

Both:
Oh god.

No, you know what?
We can do this.

We just have to make up a story
about our whirlwind romance.

Yeah, like how I swept you off your
feet with my dashing good looks.

Or something believable.

What, like your
effervescent charm?

No, like we bonded over

something we have in common.

Now what do we have in common?

( Crickets chirping )

- Any ideas?
- Not a one.

( Train clacking )

Well, I guess that's about it.

I'm telling you, pants.
This guy's a real pig.

I know. This is the first
time I've ransacked a place

and I left it cleaner
than I found it.

- What did we get, anyway?
- Not much.

A jar of pennies, a stack of
vintage girlie magazines.

( Scoffs )

Then we're gonna have
to wait until he gets here.

What is that?

A dictionary.

What was that thing
he called us?

- What do you mean, a cliché?
- Yeah, a cliché.

Cliché, cliché.

C-l-e-e-s-h-a-y.

I can't find it.

Look, all I know is
he'd better get here soon.

'Cause if I miss
"Desperate Housewives,"

he's gonna be missing a finger.

Where is that boy?

( Doorbell ringing )

Jennifer:
Hello?

- Honey, I'm home.
- Did you leave something here,

like your pride?

- Just let me in.
- I'm in my pajamas.

Ooh, how exciting.

Just let me in or I'm
calling off the wedding.

( Buzzes )

No. No.
No no no no no.

That was not part of the deal.
You cannot stay here.

- Do you remember The Monkey?
- Yeah, who could forget?

Right now there are two gorillas
outside my apartment waiting for me.

Do you want to become a widow before
you ever get your shower gifts?

Have you heard of these
things called friends?

They come in really handy
at times like this.

I have a lot of friends,
thank you very much.

I just owe them all money.

Oh, wow.
You're living the dream.

It'll be one night.
You won't even know I'm here.

Fine. One night.

What's with the gloves,
Minnie Mouse?

Uh, they're moisturizing gloves.

Right. It's probably
a good idea at your age.

- Honey, where are you going?
- To see Jennifer.

I told you, she called
and asked for Vince's number.

It's 8:00 in the morning!

We have been in Fiji for two weeks.

I'm sure that she's dying to see him.

This is no time to be selfish, sweetie.

Uh, a little help?

How insensitive of me.

I completely forgot.

Her housewarming gift.
Thanks, honey.

( Doorbell ringing )

Jennifer.

Jennifer, someone's at the door.

( Doorbell ringing )

Jennifer.

J...

( Doorbell ringing )

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Vince, I can see you.

Let me in.

Hey. You're... you're back
from your honeymoon, huh?

Just got back.

And you're...

Here.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, uh, what's...

What's new?

Married.

What's new with you?

Oh, not much.

I... I woke up yesterday and
my stomach was a little upset.

Vince, you tell me
about Jennifer.

- Her stomach's fine.
- Stop playing games.

I mean it... it looks like you
two have really hit it off.

Yeah.

Yeah, we... we did.
She's great. Great.

She... you know,
we realized we had...

- Something in common.
- See, I knew it!

Jennifer!

- Is she here?
- No.

She... left.

- Oh, she went to work?
- Yes.

Yes, she did. Work...
That's where she went.

She's there working at work.

At her job.
That's what she, you know,

that's what she does.
That box looks awfully heavy.

Can I take that from you?

Huh.

You know, I would have thought she
would have moved her stuff in by now.

I know, I know.
It's a very long story actually.

One that I'm sure she would
love to tell you herself.

( Phone ringing )

Damn it. Um,
I have to take this.

Can you just give me
one moment please?

- Hello, Monkey?
- Monkey here.

Monkey?
Oh, that is so sweet.

- Is that Jennifer? Let me talk to her.
- No. No no no no.

This... this...
This is my mom.

I call her Monkey
because of her...

Face.

It's kinda personal. Can you
just give me one moment, please?

- Yeah.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- Hey, I'm sorry. Yeah.
- You better be sorry.

No, I'm...
I'm with someone.

I was wondering,
can I come over personally

and talk to you about my plan?

Yes. Yes.

I just got engaged.

No.
No, that is the plan.

- I'm getting married.
- Married?

Thanks, Vince.
I've got to go.

I'll see you later.

No, but this plan's gonna work.

( Dog barking )

Excuse me. The white
one goes in recycling.

Nice day for a walk.

- I thought you said walk.
- Oh, come on, Vince.

You're getting married.
You need the exercise.

Besides, it's gonna thin your
face out for the pictures.

- Did wonders for me.
- You do look great.

- Why, thank you, Vince.
- All right, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

( Panting )

Where are we going?

- The Monkey wants to see you.
- He didn't want to send a car?

The Monkey's gone green.

- Hey, how do you spell cliché?
- What?

You got wax in your ears?
That's a simple question.

How do you spell cliché?

C-l-i-c-h-e.

Show me.

Hey, this is...
This is my dictionary.

- Told you.
- No it isn't.

I bought it at a flea market.

"To Vince, on the occasion
of his high school graduation.

I am so proud of you.

Love, mom."

Coincidence.

Look, just consider it interest
on the loan. Now show him.

( Sighs )

Right here.

"Cliché...

A very predictable or un..."

- Unoriginal.
- "Unoriginable person or thing."

- You think I'm predictable?
- Yeah, I do.

What am I gonna do now?

Punch me in the face.

Wrong.

- I'm gonna punch you in the shoulder.
- Ow!

( Laughs )
Vince.

Man, you gonna need
some ice on that.

( Screeching )

You think I'm an idiot,
don't you?

I'm just some dumb monkey that'll
fall for this stupid scheme?

Look, I'm gonna
get your money, okay?

I've known you for the past,
what, five years, Vince?

- Yeah.
- In all that time,

I've never seen you
have a steady girlfriend.

You're looser with your women
then you are with your money.

This wedding
is different than that.

So excuse me if I just don't buy

that you're ready
for a lifelong commitment.

Which means...

You're either lying to your
girl or you're lying to me.

Or maybe he's lying
to both of us.

Jennifer? What...

What are you doing here?

I thought you were
done with this, Vince.

- Done with what?
- Done with the gambling.

You told me you'd
never do it again

and here you are,
being held at gunpoint.

I'm sorry, I'm Jennifer.
I didn't get your name.

I'm, uh...

It's Eugene.

Both:
Eugene?

( Snickering )

- But you can call me Monkey.
- Oh, Mr. Monkey.

We spoke on the phone.

You gave me Vince's
number, remember?

- I do.
- You have a very nice phone voice.

Thank you.

Now how are we supposed to start a
life together if I can't trust you?

- How much does he owe?
- $15 grand plus interest.

So what are we talking about?

- 8% compounded weekly? Monthly?
- I'm not really sure.

- My accountant kinda handles...
- It really doesn't matter.

What matters is I'm here, Vince,

and I know about your debt
and your philandering past

and I'm here to help.

But we have to be completely
honest with one another.

No more...
No more secrets.

She's got a point, Vince.

Pants:
Yeah, man, she does. Listen to her.

She's very supportive.

Okay.

That's all you've got to say?

No more secrets.

I will never lie to you again.

I just wanted to give you that...
That honeymoon in Italy.

Well, I guess our vacation will just
have to turn into a "staycation."

But you know, Rome can't
compare to our morning cuddles.

- I love to spoon, man
- I love pillow talk.

Well, Mr. Monkey... Eugene,

we'll be in touch about Vince's
debt right after the wedding.

I gotta get
this guy out of here.

- He's meeting the parents tonight.
- ( Both chuckle )

Vince, you want me
to shoot you now, man?

Hey, don't make him any more
nervous than he already is.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Wait a minute.

I expect an invitation
to the wedding.

Plus two guests.

- Actually, we were thinking about elo...
- Okay, sure!

- Uh, fish or beef?
- Both: Beef.

Fish for me.

I'm watching my girlish figure.

Oh, and you got a month
to get this done.

- A month?
- Uh, I'm not sure it can happen that soon.

Sometimes you have to book a year in
advance just to reserve the space.

I'm sentimental,
but I'm not stupid.

One month. And under
the circumstances,

the sweetness clause
will be in effect.

- The sweetness clause?
- A technicality.

Nothing to concern
yourself with.

Now Vince, give this
lovely lady a kiss.

I mean, after all,
she did save your life.

- We don't believe in public displays of affection.
- Yeah, it's tacky.

Yeah, it is.
Very much against that.

Well you're gonna have to kiss her
in front of everyone you know.

You might as well
start practicing.

Come on, she's your
fiancée, not your cousin.

Give her a kiss.

- Yeah, that's what's up.
- That's more like it.

You've got yourself
a good lady, Vince.

I don't know how you did it,
but you did it.

- ( Giggles )
- It'd be a shame if she was a widow

before she got married.

You got one month.
Not a day more.

Oh, and Vince, good luck
with the in-laws!

( All laughing )

- Tell 'em I said hi!
- Hey, Eugene, that was nice

- Monkey! Monkey!
- Yeah.

( Groans )

What are you doing?

- ( Car horns blaring )
- ( Sirens wailing )

One month?
Everyone's going to think I'm pregnant.

We might be killed by gangsters

and that's what
you're worried about?

I take my reputation
very seriously.

Trust me, the last thing anyone
would call you is loose.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

We have bigger
fish to fry, okay?

Like how are we
gonna afford the wedding?

Wait a minute. Aren't the bride's
parents supposed to pay?

No way. We are not asking my parents
to pay for our fake wedding.

We'll just have to figure
something else out.

Besides, they're still
freaking out that I'm engaged.

How did they find out?

Courtney told Lisa,
who told her mother,

who told her podiatrist, who told
my Aunt Dolly, who told my mother.

What did they say?

I think her exact words
were "miracles do happen."

( Chuckles )
They got you pegged.

Listen, my parents aren't the easiest
people in the world to get along with.

So just try not to say anything
that's gonna tick them off

or make them suspicious or...

Let me do all the talking, okay?

The less they know
about you, the better.

I see. This really has nothing to do
with your parents at all, does it?

It has to do with me. You don't think
your parents are gonna like me, do you?

No, I know they're not
going to like you.

- They're gonna think I'm crazy.
- Please, I'm a catch.

Oh, please. You're like
a 30-year-old man-child

who has no friends, no money in the
bank and no apparent ambition.

My parents will be so proud.

( Chuckles )

We'll see.

( Car horn beeps )

Jennifer:
Remember, no talking.

You're my mute fiancé.

Mom!

Hey, there she is.
Oh my goodness.

- I cannot believe this! Forget that, give me a hug.
- ( Squeals )

Wow, it is so good
to meet you, really.

I mean, I have heard so much
about you, it's ridiculous.

Oh my god, show me the ring!
Show me the ring!

Uh... the ring?

Actually, um, mom,
there is no ring.

Oh, seriously.
Come on, where's the ring?

No, there...
There is no ring.

Jennifer and I
were talking about it

and we decided to wait
until we could afford

to buy the type
of ring that she deserves.

One as beautiful as her spirit, which
I can tell she got from her mother.

- ( Chuckling )
- Enough.

Ow. Dad!

- Hey!
- Wow, he is really spirited.

- Yeah.
- Sweetie, is that the dress I gave you?

Yeah, actually, it is.

Oh, how strange.
It just looked so...

Different on the hanger.

Just goes to show, you
should always try things on.

That's Jennifer's
sister Bonnie's wedding.

- And that's her husband will.
- And these are our grandbabies.

There's Jonathan and Samantha.

They are so adorable, I just wanna
grab those pictures and eat 'em.

- Oh yeah.
- Perhaps we'll have some more grandkids soon.

- Hmm?
- Honey, should you be drinking?

Mom, I told you
I'm not pregnant.

You know, it's crazy. I never even
knew that Jennifer had a sister.

Oh, wait till you meet her.

You're gonna love her.
Everyone does.

She was voted "most popular"
at slauson county high school.

Oh, I have that
yearbook somewhere.

Oh, hon, I'm sure Vince would rather see
pictures of Jennifer from high school.

- We put those in the attic.
- Oh, that's right.

Well, here's one of my
graduation day from Harvard.

Al:
Right. That was a proud day for all of us.

Oh, well.
Come on, son, let's eat.

- You hungry?
- Uh, yeah.

Probably a long ride
over here, wasn't it?

- It was, yeah.
- ( Chatting )

( Crickets chirping )

( Laughing, chatting )

Vince:
Thank you so much for having me here tonight.

Your home is
absolutely gorgeous.

I don't think I've ever
seen a home so beautiful.

- That's so sweet.
- Did you pay somebody to decorate it?

- No no.
- I know you paid somebody to decorate it.

- This place looks like a magazine.
- Honey, great dinner.

Amazing. You're one hell
of a cook, I'll tell ya.

So Vince, what do you
do for a living?

That is a good question, Dad.

- What do you do for a living, Vince?
- You don't know?

Well, I... yeah, I just
love to hear him explain it.

( Chuckles )

I'm in investment management.

I analyze risk and reward and weigh them
against each other to maximize gain.

You know, I have a little
investment money set aside.

Have you got some
inside advice for me, vinny?

I've got a lot of ideas.
How much you got?

Vince, what are you doing?

Just trying to help out Dad.

What about your family?

We should have them
over for dinner.

Better yet, why not have us
all over to your new place?

Oh, we're dying to see it.

I don't have a family.

( Stammers )
I'm so sorry.

- I grew up in a foster home.
- Oh, Vince.

Why didn't you tell us?

Vince really doesn't
like to talk about it.

Oh, it's... it's okay, sweetheart.
We're with family now.

No, there were actually four other
children that lived there too.

There was Jo, Natalie...

Blair and of course
sweet little Tootie.

Yeah, we were guided through
trials of adolescence

by the tender hand
of Mrs. Garrett.

We called her Mrs. G.

You know, Mrs. G
always taught us to

take the good

and then take the bad...

And then take them both.

And there you have it.

- Wow, it's almost like a song.
- Yeah?

Sounds like a wise woman.

I can't wait to meet her.
Does she live in the area?

Who? Oh, my mother?
Yes.

- Yeah.
- She does, right outside the city.

- Actually in the complete opposite direction.
- Wonderful.

Find out when it would be
convenient for her.

Oh, mom, I haven't
met her yet myself.

Who gets married
without meeting the parents?

( Laughing )

I guess we do.

Oh, listen,
when you meet Mrs. G...

You know, don't mention
the whole foster home thing.

She gets extremely
sensitive about it.

'Cause she always likes to
think of me as her real son.

Oh, that is so lovely.

- Our lips are sealed.
- Thanks.

Sweetie, would you help me
with the dessert?

- Ooh.
- Sure, mom.

See you in a minute,
honey. Whoo!

( Clears throat )

I'll tell you, Dad. It's... it's
really great to get a sense of where

Jennifer comes from.

Is she pregnant?
Tell me the truth.

- No, she isn't.
- Damn.

Why does that girl
not hear her clock ticking?

I mean, everybody else does.

- Al: Tick-tock, tick-tock.
- Vince: Yeah.

It's more like a bong!

- Bong!
- ( Laughing )

- You get that right.
- Oh, up high.

You know, Vince, you seem
like a really decent guy.

And I gotta say I have not
seen Jennifer this happy

in a long time.

Really? She... she
seems happy to you?

Yeah, this is the happiest
I've seen her in years.

Wow.

Hon, can you come
in the kitchen?

Pot holders are
in the bottom drawer!

Memory. First thing to go.
After the sex of course.

I can't find 'em.
( Silent )

Al:
Okay.

Now you two lovebirds try and
keep your hands off each other.

Okay, Dad.
( Laughs )

Ow! Why do you keep doing that?

Thanks to you we have
to have both our parents

over to my completely empty
apartment for a meet and greet.

What happens when your mom
shows up with your dad?

You're not gonna have
to worry about it

because my dad left my mom
and me when I was a kid.

What, let me guess,
"one day at a time"?

Your sister was
Valerie Bertinelli?

No, seriously. My dad
left me when I was a kid.

He, you know, tried to get
back into my life

when I was a teenager but it
didn't really go over so well.

So, you know,

never really
seen each other since.

Jennifer, we are paying
for your wedding.

Oh, no no no.
I said we'd take care of it.

Honey, honey,
let your mother speak.

No no no. It... it is
out of the question.

( Laughs )
Sweetie, be reasonable.

It's a mother's right to get
to do this for her daughter.

You cannot deny me this joy.

I'm sorry, we can't
accept your money.

We can't?
We... I think we can.

I... in fact,
I think we should.

( Chuckles )
How can we deny your mother and father...

- That joy?
- Oh.

- Fine.
- There's just one catch.

- We spent your wedding fund.
- What?!

We landscaped the backyard.
Doesn't it look great?

Whoa, you spent my wedding fund?

We thought we had more time.

Don't you worry.
We're going to move some money around

so we can throw you
the wedding of your dreams.

- It'll be our gift to you.
- Mm-hmm.

Sounds great.

That's great.
All right.

- Take this mousse.
- Get some of that mousse.

- I can't do this.
- Is it too heavy?

No, I'm talking
about my parents.

We can't let them
pay for our wedding.

Giving gives them joy.
Why would you want to hurt their feelings?

Please, they've been hurting my
feelings for years. It's payback.

I'm sorry, I can't let them
pay for our fake wedding.

Didn't they pay
for Bonnie's wedding?

- Of course.
- Was it nice?

It was okay, you know, if
you're into that sort of thing.

Custom Vera wang dresses,
horse-drawn carriages,

a flock of doves released
when they kissed.

My mom still cries
when she talks about it.

See? They just want to share
that same moment with you.

Oh, you're good.

I'm just saying, let them
pay for this wedding.

Then when and if
you meet Mr. Right,

and that's a big if,
you can elope.

Look, we are going
to pay them back.

That's why we're having the wedding.
We have no money.

I have a Monkey on my back
and you have an empty apartment.

Look, we're gonna pay them back if
it takes 10 years, okay? 50-50.

Remember, giving gives you joy.

I didn't sign up for 10 years.

Well, if you don't like the terms,
go find another fake fiancée.

Fine.
We'll pay them back.

Swear on it.

I swear.

Oh my god.

Oh! It's time
for "Sportscenter."

I am so looking forward
to our divorce.

( Soft pop music playing )

- ( Knocking )
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- What are you doing up?

I couldn't sleep, so I made
myself a little snack.

I thought my business
partner might like some.

- Is that tiramisu?
- Yeah.

My mom's an amazing cook.

Taught me everything I know

well, good night.

Thanks.

Announcer:
Fox puts it up on the left-hand
side off the backboard...

- Al: Yes!
- ( Vince claps )

Jen, I can't get
over your new place.

I love what you've done with it.

Thanks, Dad.
I was going for

the sweaty locker room feel.

- You nailed it.
- Don't worry.

We'll go register
at not just sofas.

- All of this will go.
- So what are you ladies talking about over here?

Oh, just making plans.

Oh. Wow.

What is that number right there?

Uh, that is the price per head.

Is that the price for,
like, a real human head?

- Because if not, it's way too expensive.
- Weddings aren't cheap.

Don't worry, Al and I
have got it covered.

Honey, remember our mantra
"less food, more seats"?

- Listen to that boy. He makes good sense.
- Sweetie?

We're throwing a wedding,
not a tailgate party.

- We lucked out, Vince.
- Oh.

The country club had a
cancelation for April 25th.

Can you imagine?

Less than a month
before the wedding.

Poor soul.
Oh, well.

I guess one girl's heartbreak
is another girl's special day.

So your first counseling
session with Reverend Jim...

- It's Tuesday night.
- Counseling session?

You just go in and chat
with the reverend

about your relationship and the hopes
and fears you have about marriage.

( Al grunts )
It's a lot of touchy-feely

mumbo-jumbo
if you ask me.

What are we gonna talk about?

Mom, remember I told you,
Vince is not very religious?

Do you think maybe Reverend
Jim would make an exception?

He will not perform the ceremony unless
you go through counseling first.

Just say, "yes, dear."

It's the two most important
words to a successful marriage.

Yes, dear.

Honey, have you
thought about colors?

'Cause I'm thinking teal.

Huh? It's one of those few colors
that doesn't wash you out.

( Doorbell rings )

There she is.

- Hi, mom.
- Look at you!

- Give me a hug!
- How you doing?

Oh, you're just so huggable.

I'm sorry, honey, I would have
been here sooner but I got lost.

I always get lost
in a full moon.

- So introduce me.
- Hi.

Everybody, this is
my mother Catherine.

Mom, these are
Jennifer's parents.

- This is Val.
- Oh, it is so good to meet you.

( Sniffs )

Oh.

You smell wonderful.

Like saffron.

Thank you.

And that is Al.

Al. Oh.

( Chuckles )

- So can we call you Mrs. G?
- Actually, I don't...

Well, you can call me
whatever moves you.

And you must be Jennifer.

Oh! Oh-oh-oh!

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

I am sure that you
hear this all the time,

but you have
the most beautiful aura.

- Actually, that's a first.
- Well, it's true.

It's purple and orange
and swirls of magenta.

I can tell that you are
a very passionate lover.

Good work, son.

Oh, let me see the
two of you together.

Click.

Now I have
an announcement to make.

I'm sure that Vince has told you
a little bit about our family.

Oh, he did. I hope someday
we get to meet that Tootie.

- Who?
- Mom, you know what?

You and I should
talk about this in private.

It's okay, honey.
These people are family now.

As you know,
Vince's father abandoned us

to pursue his dream
of selfish isolation.

You gotta have goals.

Catherine:
Luckily, my son is an aries

with a saturn rising,
so he persevered.

But a few days ago, out of
the blue his father called.

It seems he's having regrets about
some of the decisions that he made.

And when I told him
about Vince's wedding...

He offered to pay
for half of it.

- Well, that's fantastic.
- No.

- We can't let him pay.
- Jennifer: We can't?

I-I think we can.
I think we should.

I mean, how can we deny him that joy?

I'm not letting him pay.

See? Now this is
the perfect thing

to talk about with Reverend Jim.

Who's Tootie?

( Bells tolling )

Okay, well, that wasn't so bad.

Can I just say one more thing?

Sure, express yourself.

He refuses to go see his dad.

I mean, it's clear
he has abandonment issues,

but I just feel that
rather than avoiding them,

he should confront them head on.

It would really help
with his personal growth.

She's the one who's desperately searching
for approval from her parents.

So I really wish she would leave
my personal growth out of this.

Now Vince, don't you see
why Jennifer is concerned

with your relationship
with your father?

Yeah, because she wants him
to pay for half the wedding.

No no no, I'm sure that
Jennifer is more concerned

with how you'll bring
these feelings

into your role as father
to your own children.

- Isn't that right, Jennifer?
- No, I want his father to pay for half.

Oh, I see.

You with me?

I mean, I'm not the crazy one,
but it doesn't take Dr. Phil

to see that your father is somehow
the root of your gambling problem.

- Gambling problem?
- I do not have a gambling problem.

Oh, come on.

I would say owing $15,000 to
a bookie named The Monkey

who's gonna have you killed
unless you pay him...

I would say that's a pretty
big problem, wouldn't you?

- Vince, you owe $15,000 to a bookie?
- Named The Monkey.

Whose gonna have him killed if
he doesn't pay, I got that part.

- Is it true?
- No, it is not true.

I do not owe $15,000.

- What?
- It's $20,000.

Oh, didn't see that one
coming now, did you?

- ( Laughing )
- No, I didn't.

- You owe another $5,000?
- No, not exactly.

Remember what The Monkey was
talking to us about at the zoo?

The sweetness clause?

It's like a service charge
for those special occasions

when The Monkey shows
just how sweet a guy he can be.

Jennifer, tell Vince
how this makes you feel.

I feel...

Like I cannot wait for this to be over
so I never have to see you again.

Don't expect a Christmas card
from me either, sweetie.

I'm not sure you
know how to write.

Okay, I think we're done here.

- Yeah.
- Hold on, hold on. I'm confused.

- Are we calling the wedding off?
- Both: No way.

Val:
Oh good, you're home.

Ma, those keys were
for emergencies only.

- This is an emergency.
- The wedding is off.

- What?!
- Your father played golf this morning with Reverend Jim.

He told me about your
little gambling problem.

I don't have a gambling problem.

I'm sorry, son.

I'm not letting my daughter
marry an addicted gambler.

Thought that was supposed
to be confidential?

Oh, Reverend Jim
is a terrible gossip.

Thank god we're not catholic.

That man could never
handle confessions.

Al:
Vince, we feel for your predicament.

We think you're a good guy.
But we've got to look out for Jennifer here.

She hasn't always made the best
choices when it comes to men.

Excuse me?

Remember Bobby Sherwood?
The gum-in-hair incident?

That was junior high.

We're just saying,
it's a pattern.

I'm sorry, we can't
support this wedding.

- I see.
- Mom, Dad...

I'm ashamed of you.
Marriage isn't only for the good times.

Mom, did you leave Dad when he
had that awful toenail fungus?

No.

Dad, did you leave Mom
when she gave herself

that bad home perm
and was bald for a year?

- No.
- And I'm not leaving Vince in his time of need either.

Thanks.

Besides, the catering
deposit is non-refundable.

- It is?
- You won't get a dime back.

- Can they do that?
- Both: Yes.

And on top of all of that,

Vince has agreed to go
to Gambler's Anonymous.

- ( Gasps )
- What?

You can beat this, son!

( Whimpers )
I am so proud of you.

Hi, I'm Vince and, uh...
And I'm a gambler.

All:
Hi, Vince.

Still me?

Well, um...

What can I say?

You gotta know when to hold 'em.

- Man: Hmm.
- Know when to fold 'em.

Thank you.

Man:
Thanks for sharing.

That felt good.

- Crazy, huh?
- Yeah.

You've known this guy
what, a month?

You sure you're not preggo?

I mean, we are
at David's bridal,

I'm sure we could find something
with an empire waist.

No, I'm not preggo.

So when am I gonna
get to meet this Vince?

Wait a minute.
Why haven't I met Vince?

Has the family met him?

Everyone but Bonnie.

Courtney, what do you
think of this one?

- Sorry, what?
- What do you think?

This one's my favorite.

( Laughing )

Hi, my name is Ben
and I'm a gambling addict.

- All: Hi, Ben.
- What's up?

Ben:
Horses were my thing.

I spent more time at the track
than I did with my family.

- I hear you.
- Ben: And at my lowest point,

I was over $300,000 in debt.

Thanks to these meetings,

I've been able to control my addictions.

And I haven't placed
a bet in over five years.

Way to go.

Ben:
In fact, I just took my company public.

Who would've ever thought that
I would be a multimillionaire?

I mean... thanks.

Ben shows us what is possible
if you work the program.

Courtney:
I had a feeling you two would hit it off.

Really? Why?

'Cause I know you.

And I know how important
loyalty is to you

and Steve told me that
out of all of his friends

Vince is the one guy that
he could always count on

24/7.

How is he with his mother?
I mean, that says a lot

about how he'll be with you.

Well, he's wonderful with her.

And you say that he gets
along with your parents?

Strangely, yes.

- Well, then he must really love you.
- Forget the parents.

How is he at
the horizontal hokey-pokey?

- You guys!
- Yeah, David. So rude.

But can we talk about his body?

Seriously, he has ab muscles
I didn't know existed.

- ( Courtney giggles )
- Oh my god, you're blushing.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

I'm not sure I've ever
even seen you blush before.

Awww.

Ben, hey.
Vince.

Hi. I spoke
a little earlier.

I remember.

Yeah, um, listen,

your story saved
my life tonight.

- And I was just wondering...
- If I'd be your sponsor? Sure.

Absolutely.

Actually, if you'd
come to my wedding.

- But we just met.
- I know. I know.

It's just that you've
been such a wealth...

Of inspiration to me, Ben.

If you could just write down
your name and address,

I would love to send you
an invitation.

- Sure.
- Paper.

- Pen.
- Appreciate it.

- That's great. Thank you.
- Here you go.

- Thanks.
- Thank you. See you soon.

- You got it.
- Okay.

I'm sorry, I couldn't help
but overhearing.

- You're not really getting married are you?
- Why do you ask?

It's just that you don't seem like
the marrying type, that's all.

Why do people keep saying that?

Well, I guess I am the type because
yes, I am getting married.

Too bad.

But not for several weeks.

I know we're not supposed
to gamble anymore.

That's my understanding too.

But that doesn't rule out
all risky behavior, does it?

- What did you have in mind?
- Buy a girl a drink?

Maybe just one.

♪ The perfect fit ♪

♪ Just how you like it ♪

♪ It's up to you ♪

♪ When you know it's right ♪

♪ The perfect fit ♪

♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ It's up to you ♪

♪ How it makes you feel,
feel inside, yeah yeah ♪

♪ Search high and low ♪

♪ For just the right match ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And only you really know ♪

♪ What you need to have ♪

♪ What you need to have ♪

♪ Ooh, the perfect fit... ♪

- That bad?
- You look amazing.

Where was that one
when I was looking?

♪ The perfect fit ♪

♪ You just know it's right, yeah ♪

♪ The perfect fit ♪

So she's a real spitfire,
I'll tell you that.

She does not make it easy.

Well, relationships never are.

There is something kinda cool
about her though, you know?

Something that just
sort of, I don't know,

sneaks up on you.

That's great.

Well, this is my stop.

Be careful getting off.

That will be up to you.

Well, Mr. Gambling Man

of the marrying type,

just how much risk
are you willing to take?

( Elevator dings )

- Hey.
- Vince: Hey there, Bridezilla.

What are you doing?

I made us a lasagna
so that we could celebrate.

- Celebrate?
- Yeah.

We got our first official
wedding gifts today.

You are now the proud owner
of a cupcake carrier

and I got a check for 100 bucks.

Awesome.

- Oh, hey, sorry about last night.
- Last night?

Yeah, I should have called you,

- let you know I wasn't gonna come home.
- Oh, did you not come back?

- I didn't notice.
- Oh.

Okay, well, good.

I mean, we're just fake
fiancés, Vince, remember?

It's not like we're
really in love.

I got it.

You know, at some point, we're
gonna have to talk about our vows.

Don't we just repeat
what the Reverend says?

Church vows are so cold
and impersonal.

Yeah, I'd hate for our fake vows

at our fake wedding
to not be from the heart.

Look, all of my family and
friends are going to be there.

If the vows are fake, I'd still
like for them to be impressive.

Can't you just read a poem or something?

Okay, you know what?
Never mind.

I'll write your vows for you, okay?
You don't have to worry about it.

- What about your vows?
- What do you mean?

Well, you get to write exactly
what you want me to say.

What about what
you're gonna say to me?

I thought I'd just read
a poem or something.

What? No, I don't think so.
I'm gonna write your vows.

- Fine.
- Can I get a piece of paper?

Got an extra pen?

What is that?

It's a pen.

Okay.

What do you have so far?

"Jennifer, I didn't know
how loving a person could be

- until I met you."
- ( Laughs )

- What?
- I'm gonna sound like such a loser.

- You are a loser.
- I don't think I can read that with a straight face.

I don't even know if you
can read, period.

You know what?

Enjoy the lasagna.
I just lost my appetite.

Well, maybe you left it
where you were last night.

So now I'm supposed to check
in with my fake fiancé?

No, because that
would be considerate,

something you
know nothing about.

For your information, I walked
someone home last night

and then I slept at my mom's.

Why?
I have no idea.

( Phone rings )

Hello. Oh my god.
Okay, I'll be right there.

What happened?

My sister's in the hospital.
She had a car accident.

( Sirens wailing )

Girl:
Jennifer!

Hey, guys.

Hey. Where are grandma and grandpa?

- Inside with mom and dad.
- They won't let us see mommy.

They didn't want Samantha to get scared.
I have to stay with her.

You guys gonna be okay out here
by yourselves for a little while?

Yep, I'm in charge.

Okay, I'll be right back, okay?

- Who's he?
- Some guy.

Bonnie?

I'm sorry, Bonnie.
I'm so sorry.

Look, I know our
relationship has been rocky.

What can I say?

Here's what I can say.

You're my little sister, so I didn't
expect you to get married first.

But you did

and I had to deal with that.

And then Jonathan
and Samantha came along

and you guys were like

the picture-perfect family.

And mom and dad wanted to spend
all their time with you guys

and I just...
I felt like an outsider.

And I admit I was jealous.

I'm still jealous.

But if you could
just pull through...

I promise I'll put
all that behind me.

In fact,

I was thinking you'd make a
pretty good maid of honor.

All you had to do was ask.

( Groans )

Feel better.

Mom said you were
hit by a truck.

- Mom!
- Those weren't the exact words I used.

No, I was getting
some of the kids' stuff

out of the attic
to give to Goodwill

and I accidentally
stepped on a toy truck

- near the stairs.
- Thank god you're okay.

So I guess
you heard all that, huh?

Yeah.

I love you.

- I love you too.
- Come here.

Give me a hug.

I hope you guys aren't
the type of kids

who are used to adults
letting you win all the time.

It's not gonna be that
way tonight. Oh no.

No, tonight this game is on.

It's on like a night light.

( Clicks teeth )
Let's go.

- ( Kids laughing )
- He missed it!

Oh my god, he missed it.

( Giggling )

Whoo-hoo!
Goal!

He gets rid of this guy.
He picks the little girl up.

Oh, the crowd is going wild!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo!

He grabs the flag.

He's parading around the arena.

Whoo-hoo!
Oh!

That was a cheap shot.
You think you got him down.

He's getting back up.

He's angry!
He's angry!

( Vince growling )
He's turning into a monster!

Okay! Now visiting
hours are over.

Your dad's gonna
stay here tonight

so you kids get
to come home with us.

- Yeah, come on.
- Unless you guys want to come back

- to our place with us tonight.
- Yeah!

Vince:
That's what I thought.

( Laughing )

Okay! Good job.

Good game.

So, uh...

Guess I'll just
sleep in here tonight?

Hey, Vince, how's your stamina?

Never had any complaints.

And how's your lung capacity?

Fantastic.

Great. Then you'll have no
problem blowing up your bed.

Good night.

( Screeching )

- What's up, boss?
- What do you got for me?

From the pizza man.

Bam!

Not bad.

( Screams )
What is this?

- He only came up with half the cash...
- So we took half his finger.

- What else?
- We paid Vince a visit like you asked.

And?

They went with the hydrangeas
for the centerpieces.

And Wisteria for the bouquet.

Nosegay or cascade?

- I forgot to ask.
- Damn.

Well, go and find out.

Pay attention to detail, truck!

( Mocking )
"Pay attention to detail, truck."

( Zapping )

Vince:
Go on. Got you. I got you.

I gotta tell you something:
For a little kid, you're pretty good at this thing.

- I know.
- Hey, no more video games. It's time for bed.

Oh, come on.
Just one more game, Aunt Jen?

Yeah, I'm really behind here.

I said yes one game ago.
Now get in that bed...

Well, chair, little man.

All right, let's do it.

Get in there.

All right.
Night, buddy.

Aren't you gonna tuck me in?

You... yeah, sure.
Why not?

Um, but be warned,

this will be my first official tuck in.

There you go.
Night night.

- Uncle Vince?
- Yeah?

Are we going home soon?

Oh, you didn't hear?

Your mother called earlier

and she said that you guys
get to stay with us forever!

( Screaming )
No! I wanna go home!

Hey, calm down.
Inside voice.

- Whoa, what happened?
- Uh...

- I think I broke him.
- Jonathan?

Tell Aunt Jen what's wrong.

Uncle Vince said mommy
left us here forever.

- It was a joke.
- Uncle Vince was trying to be funny.

- But he's not funny.
- Yeah, tell me about it.

Jennifer:
Hey, you have any favorite nighttime stories?

Mmm, "Peter Pan."

Oh, really?

I don't think I know that one.
Can you tell it to me?

Okay, well, it's about
this kid named Peter Pan.

Oh, I like it already.

And also there's this girl Wendy

and this fairy tinkerbell

and this pirate that has
a hook instead of a hand.

Oh, really?
What else?

Jonathan:
Well, Peter Pan takes Wendy and her brothers

off to Neverland and
they go on an adventure.

- Jennifer: Was there lost boys there?
- Jonathan: Yeah.

( Voices fade )

( Blowing )

I'm sorry you've had to sleep on
that air mattress this whole time.

It's all right.
It's fine.

Well, you haven't
complained once.

It's like you're a real adult.

That's the worst thing
anyone has ever told me.

Good night, Vince.

Good night, Jennifer.

( Air hissing )

I think you've sprung a leak.

It's a slow leak.
It'll be fine.

I guess you could sleep up here.

Wouldn't that be weird?

Just stay on top of the covers.

Night.

( Sighs )

Wait.
What are we doing?

Have you never done this before?

Shut up.

- ( Knocking )
- Who is it?

- Wait.
- ( Clears throat )

I don't feel so good.

What's the matter, sweetie?

I have a tummy...
( Retches )

Vince:
You feel better now?

Come on. Uncle Vince'll
clean you up, all right?

I want Aunt Jennifer to do it.

You do?

Oh, come here.
Let Aunt Jen take care of you.

I knew I should
have worn my slippers.

( Sloshes )

Uncle Vince.
Uncle Vince.

- Yeah, buddy?
- Where's Samantha?

Uh, she's sleeping
with your Aunt Jennifer.

Oh.

She's not feeling too good.

It's been a...

Very interesting night,
little man.

What happened?

One day I will tell you
all about it, all right?

- Maybe when you're in college.
- I'm not going to college.

- Neither is Samantha.
- Why not?

I heard grandpa say they're
gonna use our college fund

to pay for your wedding.

They said that?

Good night.

We won.
( Giggling )

( Sirens wailing )

( Helicopter whirring )

- How much we got?
- I'm gonna win big time.

Dad.

Hey.

Vince?

How the hell'd you know
where to find me?

It's where mom always came
when she needed to find you,

usually with me in tow.

And you remember that?

Not much else to remember, Dad.

Well, it's good to see you too.

- Can I buy you a beer or...
- No. No.

- I really just came here to take care of business.
- Come on.

Stick around a while,
place a couple of bets.

I've given it up.
It's a nasty habit.

I'm gonna be breaking
the cycle, I think.

So you're just here
for the money?

I don't know what I'm here for.
Maybe this was a mistake.

No, Vince, look.

I know that life
was tough for you

and I'm sorry about that.

I realize I'm never
gonna be father of the year.

I would have settled
for just a father.

I hit it pretty big
at the track last year.

It's the big payoff I've
always been waiting for.

But after the excitement
wore off, I realized...

I don't have anybody
to celebrate with.

I guess that's what happens when
this replaces your home, Dad.

I'm... I'm trying
to make amends, son.

I'd like a second chance.
I know that I don't deserve one.

You don't.

All right.
All right.

I'm proud of you, Vince.

Falling in love,
getting married,

creating a family, it's...

Hell, I envy you.

I gambled away
the love of my life...

And my relationship with you.

That is my biggest regret.

- I'm gonna find another way to get the money.
- Vince, come on.

Please. Please.

Let me do this much.
All right?

The wedding's next Saturday, 2:00 P.M.
at peachtree Christian.

Say goodbye to your Aunt Jen and
don't forget to say thank you.

Where's Uncle Vince?

Hey! Where do you
think I am, buddy?

Hey! Ah!
What the heck, man?

You gonna leave
without saying goodbye?

After all we've
been through? Come on.

( Chuckles )

From my father.

Are you okay?

I will be.

Sorry, kid. Looks like you're gonna
be going to college after all.

- Come on, let's go.
- I'm gonna miss him.

Don't worry,
he's not going anywhere.

Vince: You know, the kids have
only been gone a few hours

- and I miss them already.
- Jennifer: I know.

This thing's still got a leak in it.

Listen, about what
happened last night...

Or didn't happen last night.

It's probably for the best.

- Yeah.
- I mean, things could get complicated.

I'm a simple guy.

That was a softball.
No comeback there?

Good night, Vince.

Well, I don't think I'm gonna risk

the air mattress again tonight.

So I'll probably just...

Night.

See you at the rehearsal dinner.

( Guests laughing, chattering )

( Clinking glass )

Um, my parents and I

couldn't be happier

that we have
all of you here to celebrate

Vince and Jennifer's
wedding tomorrow.

I think it's probably
safe to say many of us

never thought that Jennifer
would ever get married.

( Chuckling )

But she has found
this wonderful man

who's so funny,

giving and warm.

And he obviously adores her.

I've seen the way
Vince looks at Jennifer

when she's not looking.

And I-I can see
what he must see.

I look forward to tomorrow

to seeing my beautiful
sister as happy

as I was on my wedding day.

But more importantly,
I look forward

to being a part of the life

that Jennifer
and Vince make together.

To Vince and Jennifer.

May you live happily ever...

Jen-Jen?

Nerves.

Hey.

I can't go through with it.

I can't deceive
all my family and friends.

I'm sorry,
I-I just can't.

We have to.

I'm calling it off.

No, you're not.
Here.

How can you go
through with this?

You can't do this
to me, Jennifer.

I could have taken that money my
father gave me and paid off my debt,

- but I didn't do it.
- Why didn't you?

I don't know, because...

Because I just didn't.

Look, I can't... I can't
stand up there tomorrow

and marry a man
who doesn't love me.

( Laughs )
Now you tell me. That's great timing.

Sorry, you'll just have to pay
back your debt some other way.

If I could've thought of any
other way to get that money,

you think I would've
gone through all this?

Sorry it's been so terrible.

Why don't you go back
in there, Jennifer?

All right? Tell your parents that
all that money they just spent

was for nothing.

Can you do that?

That's what I thought.

The wedding is on.

Unless you want The Monkey to kill
me so you can keep my television.

After the wedding, I never
want to see you again.

- Thank god I didn't sleep with you.
- You would've loved it.

- Yeah, not as much as you would have.
- Mm-hmm.

( Bells tolling )

How do you tie
these things, Steve?

Why didn't you just
get the clip-on?

I don't know, 'cause maybe
I'm getting married, man.

- Are you decent?
- Yeah.

Wow, you look...
Dashing.

Thanks. Is she okay? She's still
gonna go through with this, right?

Yeah, of course she is.

I mean, she's a little uptight, but
that's just the nervous jitters.

But she did ask me
to give you this

and she said that you should
have something for her.

And if you don't, I'm supposed
to wait here until you do.

- I think it's code.
- Okay. Here.

It's really sweet, you know,
exchanging love letters

right before the ceremony.

- There you go.
- ( Laughs )

- Yay, brother!
- Yay.

Oh!

Um... yeah.

You know what?
We're almost ready to go.

- So you might want to tie that tie.
- Okay.

Just think of it
as a shoelace for your neck.

( Classical music playing )

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Friend of Vick's. We met last week.
- Vince.

Right. Vince.

Okay. Okay.
( Inhales deeply )

- Woman: So sweet.
- ( Guests chuckle )

( "The Wedding March" playing )

Wait.
Close the doors.

- Honey, it's time.
- I don't think I can do this.

Of course you can.

( Sighs )
No, Vince and I...

Jennifer, listen to me.

Your mother and I always doubted
you'd even get married...

Yeah, I know, Dad.
Thanks.

Because we never thought
you'd meet anybody

worthy of all you had to offer.

I couldn't be prouder

of the woman you've become.

And I'm really sorry I haven't
always told you that.

Dad, I just...
I need to tell you...

Sweetheart...

I know you're scared.

And as hard as it's gonna be
for me to give you away,

I know you're gonna
be in good hands.

Vince loves you.

Okay?

( "The Wedding March" playing )

- Wow.
- I know.

( Guests laugh )

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here

to join this man and this woman

in the sacred bonds
of holy matrimony.

I have had the chance
to spend time

with Jennifer and Vince,

and their unusually strong
feelings for one another

are quite apparent.

I've done this job
long enough to know

when a couple is getting married

for the wrong reasons.

Some, they're in love
with an idealized version

of the person they are marrying.

Others feel that
they're simply too old

to be single anymore.

And some... well, some
just want all the gifts.

( Guests laugh )

( Chuckling )

That's ridiculous.

But what they don't realize is

that marriage is a journey.

A wonderful, exciting

and at times
excruciating journey.

- Am I right?
- Guests: Yes.

But Jennifer and Vince,

they see each other
for who they really are.

There are no rose-colored
glasses on these two,

not at all.

They are standing here today

committing to each other,

knowing full well
what they are getting into.

The couple has elected
to recite their own vows.

- Vince.
- Yeah?

- The vows.
- Oh, right.

Jennifer,

I didn't know how loving
a person could be

until I met you.

( Chuckles )

( Laughs )

I can't.

I just cannot do this.

( Guests murmuring )

I've gotta speak
from the heart here.

- Mm-mmm.
- Jennifer...

You are the most frustrating person

I have ever met.

You are opinionated

and stubborn and at times

really really

really bossy.

And that is why I've
fallen in love with you.

I didn't plan on it, believe me.

It just happened.
And along the way I...

Noticed your generosity,

your kindness...

Your great sense of humor

and just your basic sense of decency.

You're an amazing woman, Jennifer.

And I would be proud
to call you my wife.

Jennifer, it's your turn now.

Read your vows.

It was my grandmother's.

We're not quite
to the rings yet, guys.

What do you say?

You know, I-I pride myself
on being able to read people.

And when I met you, Vince,
I thought you were

sloppy and lazy
and a ladies' man.

And I was right.

In fact, that was all I could see.

But every day that I've spent with
you, I have found little things

that I love about you.

Like the way you light up when
your mom walks in a room.

Or the way you make
my niece and nephew laugh.

And ever since then, I just...

I don't know, I just love all
those little things about you.

I love you, Vince.

- Is that a yes?
- Yes.

- Okay.
- Yes.

Yes.

Guys, the kissing
comes later too.

We're still at vows.

Vince, do you take Jennifer
to be your lawful wedded wife?

Jennifer, do you take Vince to
be your lawful wedded husband?

I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

You may... do that.

( Cheering )

We did it!
Whoo!

- Whoo-hoo!
- ♪ I need love love ♪

♪ To ease my mind ♪

♪ I need to find find ♪

♪ Someone to call mine ♪

♪ But mama said
you can't hurry love ♪

♪ No, you'll just
have to wait ♪

♪ She said love
don't come easy ♪

♪ It's a game
of give and take ♪

♪ You can't hurry love ♪

♪ No, you'll just
have to wait ♪

♪ You gotta trust,
give it time... ♪

- Touching ceremony.
- Thank you.

Mr. Monkey, we're gonna
pay you back.

If you want a down payment, you can
just take a gift off the gift table.

I like your style.

Vince, you did well.

- I know.
- Which is why I'm forgiving your debt.

- Both: Really?!
- Of course not.

But I will knock off 75 bucks so
you can get yourself a blender.

To the happy couple!
Salud!

All:
To the happy couple!

♪ She said love
don't come easy ♪

♪ It's a game
of give and take ♪

♪ How long must I wait? ♪

♪ How much more
can I take? ♪

Oh my god, we're married.

- We're really married.
- I know.

We are so lucky.

I still feel kinda bad
about deceiving everybody.

Do you think we should tell 'em?

Now?
Are you kidding?

Your aunt just bought us that
coffee-maker you wanted.

Yeah, but it was all a lie.

It's a lie that
came true though.

I love you, honey.
I mean, we can give back all the stuff,

nothing's gonna change that.

♪ I remember mama said
you can't hurry love ♪

♪ No, you'll just
have to wait ♪

♪ She said love
don't come easy... ♪

- I love you, Vince.
- ♪ it's a game of give and take ♪

♪ You can't hurry love ♪

♪ No, you'll just
have to wait ♪

♪ She said trust,
give it time ♪

♪ No matter
how long it takes ♪

♪ Gotta wait,
no, love love ♪

♪ Don't come easy ♪

♪ But I keep on waiting ♪

♪ Anticipating... ♪

( Pop music playing )

♪ What you see is what you get
when you're looking at me ♪

♪ I'm gonna tell it like
it is most definitely ♪

♪ So let's say
our goodbyes ♪

♪ 'Cause it's
perfectly clear ♪

♪ We wanna get
to know each other ♪

♪ So let's get out of here,
I don't need to know ♪

♪ Where we're gonna go ♪

♪ Let's ride
'cause you got the wheels ♪

♪ And I got the rhyme
if you got the feel ♪

♪ Let's ride,
get into the flow ♪

♪ If we forget the words
we'll make 'em up as we go ♪

♪ Let's ride
'cause you got the beat ♪

♪ And I got the rhythm
to knock you off your feet ♪

♪ Let's ride
'cause you got the beat ♪

♪ And I got the rhythm
to knock you off your feet ♪

♪ Let's ride
come and get inside ♪

♪ I wanna go crazy,
yeah, I wanna get wild ♪

♪ Let's ride ♪