My Fake Boyfriend (2022) - full transcript

Okay, okay.

Okay. Oh, my God!

Babe, it's cute.
It's fine.

The ones that people mess up in
are the ones that get the most likes.

Hmm...

My publicist does say
I should portray myself

being in a loving relationship.

Oh. Oh.

Well, hi, I'm Andrew.

And I can confirm officially

that Nico is
in a loving relationship.



Ever since I joined
his show as a stuntman

on Hampton's Bay...

...this boy has been
obsessed with me.

You got a text.

Kind of sexual.
Andrew.

Very sexual. No, give
me back my phone.

Explicitly sexual. Okay. Why
are you reading my texts?

I was just... No, no, why are you
getting sexts from random dudes?

I can't control who texts me.
I'm a celebrity.

No, no, not this again. Besides,
we're not even social media official.

Okay? Yet.

Nico, we agreed to be exclusive.

It's a dick pic, isn't it?

The man got a dick pic
right there.



He tried to say it was nothing,
just some random fan.

Liar! Did he do the
thing? What thing?

Like when he lied about sleeping with Veronica's
sister while she was homeless with amnesia.

I still can't believe that you watch
Hampton's Bay. All five seasons.

What happened to your job? I
thought you had that toilet paper ad.

I'm an award-winning
graphic designer.

I'm not gonna waste my talent
on bears who shit themselves.

I don't think that's... I'm
selective about the jobs that I take.

Okay. Privilege.

No, I... just plateaued.

And to be honest,
no one will hire me.

Here. Check that out.

This is when Nico lies.

His chin goes up
and to the right.

And the reason I know that

is because we had chowder

in Amagansett.

Did he do it?

It's a dick pic, isn't it?

I swear.
It's not a dick pic.

Where are you going?

I, uh, gotta go meet my trainer.

Did you just...

No.

I knew it. So, ¿no más?

No más. I've got ten minutes.

Catch me up. We are officially
on breakup número nine.

Ooh! Well, let's hope
it sticks this time.

Nico is like one
of those Dementors.

You know,
like from Harry Potter?

They suck the soul out of
people through their faces.

Except Nico does it
through your dick.

He is really good at that. Because
he practices with other people.

Ow! Oh! Oh, so you do
respect yourself. Okay.

Then don't let Nico disrespect
you by going back again.

I'm not going back.
Mmm.

Mm-hmm. You say that.
But yet you keep going back.

You do realize that's the
definition of insanity, right?

Wait. You already wrote
number ten?

Because if you get
to number ten,

I'm gonna have to unleash
the nuclear option.

- What does that even mean?
- Oh, it's top secret.

- He's been prepping for months.
- All you need to know is,

ever since the second grade, I've
only ever wanted the best for you.

Mm-hmm. Okay? You're
smart. You're generous.

You literally kick ass
at your kick-ass job.

Stuntman and sexy
self-defense instructor.

You deserve someone real.

I don't want to have to
save you from yourself.

But I will,
because I'm your best friend.

But I need you
to help me help you.

I want you to say it out loud.

Manifest it. "No more Nico."
Mm-hmm.

"No more Nico."
Say it, Drew.

I'm not going back.

No. The words.

Say it out loud.
"No more Nico!"

Those words.
"No more Nico!"

- I just... I'm not yelling it.
- Don't make me do it.

He's gonna do it.
Do what? Don't.

Okay.
Don't...

Oh, my God.
No more Nico!

No more Nico! No more Nico!

No more Nico! No more Nico!

Shut your mouth!
Yeah!

Ooh, you in trouble!

- No more Nico.
- Yeah.

No more Nico.

Cut.

Stunties, on your way.

Hey.

Go to the right. Yeah.

- Andrew.
- Mm-mmm.

I know you've been avoiding me.

But listen, today is the anniversary
of when we first met on set.

We always wanted to hit
that one-year mark together.

And I was thinking,
I don't know,

maybe we can still celebrate?

Ah!

Thought I was meeting you
at your...

I figured you'd be
getting weak around now.

Kelly worked a double shift,
and I'm still unemployed,

so I'm all yours, all night.

I don't need a babysitter, Jake.

Oh, yeah? You weren't just
getting ready to go out?

No. No, no, I was...

I'm so tired. I was just
getting ready for bed.

Doubtful. I can smell
the Old Spice from here.

I always smell like this.

You do not.

Riddle me this, Drew. If I were
to look at your phone right now,

would I find a text
from Nico, to Nico,

you stalking his Insta,
Twitter, Pinterest?

What? No.
Give me that!

What? This is...

Hey.
You are fast.

Here, be my guest.

Checking my accounts, making
sure my finances are all good,

'cause I'm an entrepreneur.

I may need you to pass me
some of that cheddar soon.

Or you can go get a job. You
can come work at the gym with me.

Funny.

So, what are we doing?

Your neighbor
has a roof deck? Cool.

Mr. Jiang, my friend's really obsessed
with your chess set. Could we use that?

Now, this is what
I'm talking about.

Chess is a game for gentlemen.

A game for thinkers.

This is where I crush.

Yes. I think
you will crush, bro.

Because you're the best. You
absolutely cannot be beat by...

Oh! Mr. Jiang.

Um, my friend Jake and I were
just gonna play a little game.

He's a self-proclaimed master.
Not like you, an actual master.

Whoa, shit.
What if y'all played?

I agree.

Happy anniversary, gorgeous.

I... It's nice, but I...

You know I missed you.

Please, be quiet.

I'm trying to concentrate.

Sorry.

Wait a minute. Have you
been there the whole time?

Yeah. Where else
would I be?

I saw Nico.

But before you judge, he's being
way more considerate. Mmm.

Got me this watch
for our anniversary.

That is a cast gift.
All the leads got one.

This is a regift?

The exact same thing
happened to me.

I used to be married
to hot garbage.

Once, I walked in on him banging
one of those Japanese sex robots

while my sister watched.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Different than my story.

Point is, you never heard
me at work bitching about it.

- Did you?
- No, never heard that one.

Exactly.

Because I dealt with it.

And I moved on.

You sure?

I turned my story into a script,
and we start prepro in January.

My wife is producing it,
my sweet Rhonda.

Whoa. And she
might do the catering.

So my advice is,
don't get lost in the bullshit.

You still wanna be lead
fight choreographer, right?

More than anything.

Then focus on the job.

Oi, stunties.
Cut the chitchat, all right?

Let's shoot this.
I'm not getting any younger.

Quiet on the set!
We're ready to roll!

Hampton Bay,
scene 98-B, take 15.

Action!

Shit.

Are you kidding me, Nico?
And Troy?

Yo.

Let's go out. I need to see
what's out there. Like "out" out?

Yes! I have 18 hours off and I
haven't worn sexy underwear in weeks.

Sexy underwear?
Oh, hell yeah!

Let's go suck some dicks!

Really?

Just little... little...
Little dicks.

No. I mean,
just a little dick.

Specifically little?
A little bit of dick.

Not like a tiny... Never mind.

Ooh! There's a bear!

Twink! Twink!

Daddy. Twelve o'clock.

And an otter too!

I think, um... I think I need to go
somewhere a little more low-key.

What?

Party people!
Let's get this place bumping!

Perfect, right?

Okay.

Yeah, you go, girl!
Baby. Baby.

Baby. Baby, let's go. What? Aw!

Thanks.
Thank you.

Maybe I'm making too big of a deal
out of this whole monogamous thing.

Cheers.
Cheers.

He wants to be open.
It's not that wrong.

No. But it's what he wants.

For you, monogamy's important.

It's kind of bullshit
that he's forcing you

into a situation that
you don't want to be in.

Yeah. He's the first person
I've ever been in love with.

You know, it's really hard
to just let him go.

It's not easy to find a boyfriend
in New York. Mm-hmm.

Nico, he's handsome.
He's got his life together.

He's driven and focused
and successful.

And I, like,
don't know why he chose me.

Okay.
I'm lucky. You know?

Andrew, you need
to get it in your head

that you are the catch,
not him. Okay?

- Get ready.
- Hey. For what?

I signed us up for a dating app...
as a couple looking for a third.

- Why would you do that?
- Yes, why?

Because we do
everything together.

Oh...

So, when we find somebody cool,

I'm just gonna tell them
we broke up

and pass the account
along to you... bam!

And since I didn't want
to limit our search results,

I signed us up for Scruff,
Grindr, Bro, Bone, Jack'd,

Growlr, Grizzly
and Farmers Only,

- since I know you like them grass-fed.
- Ooh. Vegans.

Oh! We got a hit.

Oh.
He's 15 feet away.

That's him.

Act natural. More
natural. Right.

No, I don't care about your lottery
winnings or your huge, smooth cock!

Can we go, please?
Yes.

Hey.

Hi.
Got the moves.

Yeah. I'm Leo.

Can I buy you a drink?

Are you trying to
get me drunk? No, I...

I'm just kidding.
Uh, ex squeeze me?

Vieux Carré, double lemon twist.

Thank you.

How's your night?
It's going.

Ew. Carbs.

- Can I say something?
- Yeah. Yeah, please.

You need to be more honest.

- About what?
- Your profile pic.

Oh, my friend made that.

It's not a deal breaker.
You're cute, so I'll stay.

But take the picture down before
you trick somebody else, yeah?

I see what you mean now.

If you want to keep using
Bone, Jack'd, Scruff,

and especially Grindr,

don't partner again
with a bi guy.

It's a total turnoff.
Ugh.

I will be deleting
all my accounts.

Good idea.

Uh, can I say something?

If I said no,
would that stop you?

That shirt's really
inappropriate. Unicorns are fake.

God is real. Believe.

I believe.

How's your drink?

Why? Did you put
something in it?

- No. God, no.
- Leave God out of this.

- Did you roofie me?
- No.

This guy tried to roofie me!

No, I did not roofie anyone.
Coming through.

Then finish it yourself,
asshole.

Yo. Whoa.

Oh! What is happening?

- Oh!
- This creep just threw a drink at me

because I wouldn't
let him drug me!

Come on, Leo.
Time to go.

Come on. Here,
right there and let's go.

No, he's lying, Clint! Yeah,
you wish. See you next week.

Hey.

Whoa, he winked at me.

Right this way.
Yeah.

Man, where'd that guy
come from, right?

I'm from Winnipeg.

Thanks. So, how long
you been in New York?

Winnipeg. In Canada.

Winnipeg. Winnipeg.

Winnipeg.

Clint wants it.

Yeah. All right.

Yeah? Where do you want it?

It.

I want it.

Okay. I think, um... I
think I just need a minute.

Give me one second.

He saw Nico kiss a guy,
and I was like,

"Why do you care?
You two are broken up, right?"

Super shady.

Do you already think
we're on strike ten?

No way of proving it.

Thank you, Doctor.
Mm-hmm.

Maybe he just needs to
bang Nico out of his system.

Yeah. Think they're
having sex already?

Oh, no.
He's doing a pep talk.

You can do this.

You can have sex
with someone other than Nico.

He's doing it all the time.
You can do it once.

You... Yeah.

You can do that.
You can do it.

- Yo.
- Hey, baby boy. You having sex?

No. Why would I answer the phone
if I was having sex?

- Because it's me?
- No. No, I'm in the bathroom.

I'm trying to motivate.

What's there to motivate?
Just get in there and beat it up.

He talks like a caveman.

He's Canadian, Andrew.
Just get in there and beat it up.

Why would I beat him up?

Beat it up, you dumb bastard.

His butt.

Maybe he's gonna
beat up my butt, huh?

Maybe that's what I prefer.

Let him beat that
ass, Drew. Batter up.

Yeah, I'm hanging up now.
Hanging up. Bye.

Got it!
Ooh!

Yummy!

This is fun.
It's like a stakeout.

Uh, hello?

Whoa! Hey.

- Clint likes to tussle.
- Oh!

Oh, no. No, no.
You just misheard.

The walls are super thin.

That's not... Whoa! Shit!

- Canada going hard!
- Yeah, he is.

Yeah, rough. That's what
I'm talking about.

Oh, man...

We made love happen.

Damn right, we did.

No...
Now we're gonna tussle.

We can relax, right?

I don't think so.
Let's tussle.

Oh, my hammy.

I'm sorry.
You wanted to tussle.

Around 8:00 in the morning Okay?

Yeah, you can pick me up
in the morning, Charlie.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. No,
no, no, baby. No, let's just...

No, no, baby.
Baby, look.

What's going on?
Are they having a threesome?

We should have a threesome!
What? No!

Yeah!
Look who it is.

Hey. Oh.

No, no, sweetheart.

Okay. That's it.

Andrew can no longer
contain himself.

We have to step in.
Mm-hmm.

This is DEFCON 1.

It's time.

It's time to release...

The kraken.

No.

The nuclear option.
Ah.

Hey.

Is that my phone, babe?

I think the question is,

who the hell is this?

Jake, I think he saw it.

What the hell did you do?

What we should have done
five breakups ago.

We staged an intervention.

We know about Nico
coming over for sloppy seconds.

Did you spy on me?

We pull up outside of
your house at 11:37 p.m.

At 11:39, your
pre-coitus lamp turns on.

So, at 11:43 we give you
the "beat it up" pep talk.

And then we wait to see what
happens. What happened, baby?

Nico shows up.

Your Dementor arriving
for his conjugal visit.

Okay. So, what, your whole big plan was just
to post a photo of me with a random guy?

- No, no. We went nuclear.
- Uh-huh.

Because the hamster wheel of your
addiction to Nico has to be destroyed.

We would like you
to meet someone. Come.

Without further ado, please
say hello to your new boyfriend.

You are now dating across all
social media platforms. What?

Jake posted photos of you two
together, so it's official.

What? Nico saw these.
He's pissed. He's furious.

Perfect! That's the
plan, baby. Yeah!

Whoo! No, you don't
understand Nico.

No. He's... He's gonna be...
He's gonna, um...

Damn.
Yeah.

You like that?

Hot.
Of course he is.

Cristiano Maradona.
That's the name you gave him?

His parents
are huge soccer fans.

And I know what you think
about Ronaldo's body.

His face is a composite
of Kelly, myself,

our old high school gym teacher
and a young Antonio Banderas.

Your mom just followed him.
Shit's getting real, homey.

Wait, what? No.
No, undo all of this.

Shit. You made him
a civil rights activist?

That's like catnip
to her. I know.

- Mama Lucille!
- Jakey!

- What's shaking?
- I am so happy.

My brain just exploded.

I know!
He's super handsome, right?

I mean, he is
a civil rights activist.

Oh, my God.
I must be dreaming.

- Mm-hmm. All real.
- Ah!

Don't let the door hit you on
the way out, Nico. Am I right?

Mm-hmm.

Why didn't Andrew
tell me about him?

Hmm. I don't know.
But he's right here.

You wanna ask him?
I'm not picking up.

- Andrew, I can see you. Stop that.
- I'm not... Come on, man.

Stop that. I can see you.

Hey, Mom.

Listen, listen. Is it serious? Have
you two discussed parameters?

Are you open?
Are you poly? You pan?

Mom! No.
I'm hip to all of this.

There's no shame.
There's no shame.

I'm still just regular gay.

Oh. Okay.
Yeah.

You know I just
want you to be happy.

Because I know how hard it is
to find a good man.

Yup, yup. Once you find him,
you hang on to him, honey.

Mom, this reception is crazy.
And I think I gotta go.

But I'll call you back
because I love you so much.

Oh, you're a monster.

And you're out your
damn mind. Shut it down.

I have to go to work and I
have to explain all this to Nico.

Melinda!

Hey.
Hey.

Saw the new man on Insta.

That was fast.

A little out of your league,
but good for you.

Have you seen Nico? I really don't
know how you relate to that guy.

What? I mean, if you're
trying to get back at Nico,

that is a swing and a...

That's my impression
of a home run. Here he comes.

Hey.
So, explain yourself.

Sorry, look. This is... You
are such a hypocrite, okay?

You begged me for monogamy, and then you
go and embarrass me on social like that?

He isn't even attractive.

That's funny. Because everybody else
is saying how drop-dead gorgeous he is.

Have you read the comments?

My phone has been blowing up
ever since we went official on social.

He only has 2,300 followers.

And that's just about the amount
of followers that you lost this week.

Ah, Nico.
Lovely shirt, mate. It's nice.

Yeah. Let's do this.
All right?

Yo. Hey. Hey, um, you
didn't shut him down, did you?

Hell no.

Good, good.

I'm in. What's next?

Hold me like you mean it.

Uh, should I ask?

Oh! Oh, my God.
You've gotta see these. Yo.

What's happening? It
worked. It fucking worked.

Nico was so angry.
Hmm!

And I finally know what it's
like to have a little bit of power.

Okay.

I posted this on the Gram.

Oh, I love it!

Ooh!
He must be burning!

Yeah. We're working on
the whole back story.

They met in Mykonos a month ago, conveniently
during Andrew and Nico's seventh breakup.

Oh, that's good. Wait, we said
that we were meeting in Fire Island.

We brought weights
to the beach? In Greece?

Cristiano can't afford to take a
day off. He's training for Iron man.

What? No. This was indoor.
Indoor skydiving on the third date.

Why do something fake
when you can do it for real?

- 2,700 likes on that one.
- What, 2,700?

What happened to jogging
in Central Park? I see bulls.

Ooh, why jog in the park
when you can run with the bulls?

Exactly! Baby, you
always get me. Oh!

Oh, yes, yes, yes, I support
whatever works. We are keeping this.

You got it.

Mmm, I don't know.
This is a little far-fetched.

Well, the man has to be
larger than life

to deal with
Nico's monstrous ego.

You know, this Cristiano thing
might really work out.

'Cause I haven't checked
Nico's accounts.

I haven't looked for his texts,
like, that much today.

I'm feeling like I'm finally
getting over him, you know?

Anyway, always good
chatting with you, Mr. Jiang.

Enjoy your cooking class.

Hey, Bernie.
I'll see you inside.

Welcome to
"Cooking For Your Community."

And for those who don't
know me, I'm Rafi Ha la bid a,

chef and co-owner of the Aberdeen,
the restaurant right below us.

We're available
for reservations.

And yes, that was
a shameless plug.

- Hi. Welcome.
- Thanks.

Today, we are going to make
a meze platter,

a group of small dishes,
meant to be shared.

Hey, I'm Andrew.

I don't care.

- Excuse me?
- You heard me.

Sharing food is
one of my favorite things.

You can share a meal with
someone from a different country,

someone whose language you
don't know, and still communicate.

Because food is
a universal language.

When you make someone
something delicious to eat,

you're communicating
that you care.

You're sharing your love.

Okay. Enough of that.
Let's make meze.

- Hey, Jessica. I like your hair.
- Hi, Rafi.

Yeah. You look good.
Thank you. Thanks.

This is all lovely.

You're Andrew, right?
Uh, yeah.

You're Bernie's ride. He
talks about you all the time.

Oh, does he?
Yeah.

So, he finally convinced you
to come to class.

N-No, I ju...

Yeah, he did. Because he
knows how bad of a cook I am.

I actually tried to make him
some breakfast one time,

and then we ended up
at urgent care.

That was you.
Yeah...

Well...

Here, let me help you.
Thanks.

So you want to take
your left hand

and make it a little bit like
a claw, like your knuckles.

Okay.
And then,

put your hand up a
little higher on the knife.

A little higher.
There you go.

Okay. And boom.
Just like a seesaw.

Save-a the rhinos, the leopards,

the horses, the kittens,

the chickens.

Save-a the animals.

Hey, hey, that's my trailer.

- I've got it. I'll walk him out.
- Walk me out?

I told you this whole "shitting where
you work" thing was gonna blow up.

Nico got you pulled
from the show.

What? He can't do that.
Clearly, he can.

No. I'm gonna
go talk to him.

Nico. Nico.

Oh! Hey, baby.

No. Don't "hey, baby" me.

Listen, um, I'm sorry
you lost your job.

But it was kinda
your choice, right?

Anyways, good luck finding
another one without me.

And, um, security!

Please escort this unemployed
stuntman off my set. Bye!

No. Don't touch me.
Please. I'm good. Hey. Hey.

I know this isn't the best time.

But Rhonda is obsessed
with Cristiano.

What?
No, not the best time, Emily.

She even donated to his
"Save the Rhino" campaign.

And now she's got it in her
head that she wants a baby,

because she thinks that
he would be the perfect donor.

She's willing to get it
in there, au naturel.

Talking about in her vagina.
It's cheaper. Right. Got it.

We just bought a house. Anyways,
just putting it out there.

Something to noodle on.
Yeah.

It's gonna be okay.

I'll call you.
Just think about it.

Thanks. Thank you.
Thanks.

I was a year away from getting my
shot at being lead stunt coordinator.

Now I'm back at square one.
I'm actually worse.

You getting fired
is a blessing in disguise.

At Hampton's Bay, you were
always going to be under Nico's thumb.

This is an opportunity for you.

I'm single and I'm unemployed.
Where's that opportunity, Jake?

Let Cristiano help.
He has a plan.

You do know that Cristiano
is not real, right?

He's not actually out there
saving albino rhinos.

He's absolutely
saving the rhinos.

He's raised enough money
to open a rhino conservatory.

So, you tell me, Drew,
what is "real"?

If enough people believe in him,
then he becomes real.

Give Cristiano 48 hours.
He'll fix this.

Do you love stunts?
I know that I do.

Check out my man @andrewthatstuntguy.
He's the best stuntman ever.

Peyton, hey, thanks for letting
me pick up some extra hours.

No worries. There's a
situation in the bathroom.

For you.
Thank you.

Off you go.

You couldn't do it?
Absolutely not. Not my job.

Ooh, Andrew.
Yeah?

Those aren't your
good shoes, are they?

Yeah. Yeah, they are. Of course.

You're walking into the eye of the
storm, bud. So, Godspeed, take care.

- Ooh!
- Yeah, it's, uh... it's a scent.

It wafts. Wow.

Oh! That's not how you use that.
Nope, absolutely not. Get down.

I was with Raphael that night.

How could I possibly be in Amagansett
and Sagaponack at the same time?

I'm an award-winning director.

I'm an award-winning director.
I'm an award-winning director.

Helena, Helena, Helena.

Uh, cut. Cut!

What the hell?
You were good. I was great.

Hello?

Oh, come to beg me
for your job back?

Actually, he's my guest, Nico.

Andrew, let's chat.
Shall we?

Uh, excuse me.
We're in the middle of a scene?

Take it easy, muscles.
We shan't be but a moment.

It's awesome to officially
meet with you, I must say.

I imagine it would be.
Right?

Tell me about yourself, kid.

Ooh, uh, I'm...
Fantastic, fantastic.

Listen, I'm prepping
this film, all right?

It's gonna be way bigger and
way better than this trash heap.

All right?

It's called Kung Blue.

Lots of kung-fu fighting
and stuff. Yeah, yeah.

And get this.

It takes place on a planet
where everyone is blue.

Blue?
Yeah.

That's kick-ass!
Yeah.

Yeah, it is kick-ass.
All right.

And I want you to be my fight
choreographer and stunt lead.

That's incredible.
Sign me up, please.

Cristiano sent me
your stunt reel.

And let me tell you...

it was poetry.

Thank you.
Thank you, I...

I can't believe he
sent you my reel. Shh!

Now, listen. All right?

I need you
to do something for me.

I need your
boyfriend's autograph.

My kid's a massive fan.

Make it out to Emilia,
all right?

Lovely chat.
Yes, yes.

All right, who are we
waiting on? Oh, Nico.

Nico, Nico, Nico, Nico.

Someone's happy. So I guess
you're not mad at me anymore?

Mm-mmm. How could I be mad
when I just got my dream job?

You guys came through for me.
I'm gonna take you to dinner.

And I know the perfect place.

You've been secretly
taking cooking classes?

I went to one.
And he's dreamy?

Very. Yeah.
Okay.

And you don't know if he's
gay or, uh, like, anything, right?

So this is a reconnaissance
mission? Correct.

Wait, no.

No. This is just to get
your opinions, nothing else.

Mmm.
Copy.

Um, but he does know that
you have a boyfriend, right?

No. Because I don't
have a boyfriend.

Uh...
Yes. You do.

No, I don't.
But you do.

No, I don't.
We're done.

Yes, you do!

Well... Can we
drop this? I do not.

After you.
Oh, thank you.

You do. You do.
I don't.

Hello. We have
a reservation for three.

Uh-huh. And what name
is on the reservation?

Ew! It's my dirty,
creepy stalker.

Hasn't your episode
of Dateline aired yet?

Can you just please
show us to our table?

Why? So you can freak
out on me? I don't think so.

Seat us now.

- Hmph!
- I love it when you dominate people.

Mmm!
You want me to dominate you?

- Ugh.
- We are in public.

Okay.

Okay. Do a button.

Mmm.
I do mine.

Button? Okay. No,
you're good. You got it.

There we go.
Want one, baby?

What's happening?
No, I'm good.

Oh, well, we are conducting
a scientific experiment

to find out Rafi's
sexual preference.

We're looking for
physiological signs of attraction.

So, you know, like,
do his pupils dilate?

Does he mirror body language
or try to enhance his appearance?

- Does he pop a bone?
- It's science.

I'm begging you.
Please don't embarrass me.

Well, this is a nice surprise.

Hey.

Hi.
Hey.

Hi, there.
It's nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too. Oh.
I'm Rafi.

Come in here, big guy.
Okay, all right. Oh.

Oh. Okay, okay.

- Sorry, I got lost.
- That's okay. That's okay. Good to meet you, man.

- Better to meet you.
- Yeah, I like your shirt.

Hi. How are you?

Oh. One more.

- Bonjour. Je m'appelle Kelly.
- Je suis Rafi.

- -Tu parles français?
- No.

Okay.

- Oh, my earring!
- Uh-oh.

- Oh, I should get that.
- Want me to...

Okay. Okay, yup.

Here's that one.
There... Yeah.

It's good to see you, Andrew.

Hi. Um...

We thought that we would come by
and try your food for real.

Oh, nice.
Yeah.

So you're testing
me, huh? Maybe.

Well, then,
I better get cracking.

I'll send Leo
to get your drink order.

- No!
- No, don't. You don't...

Oh, please.
No.

Well, confirming he is dreamy.

But let's get back to the
experiment and the data.

Jake. When Jake hugged Rafi, he
almost seemed to have an adverse reaction.

You know, basically
the opposite of attraction.

Told you. He's straight.

- That just means he's not attracted to you.
- I'm getting a one on my gaydar.

- It's registering a nine on mine.
- Your gaydar sucks.

- I disagree.
- Who told you you were gay in fifth grade

when you were
still dating Lauren Gladberg.

He wouldn't touch her
boobies. Big honkers.

Also, he gave you a dap, which
is the most hetero of man hugs.

Let's focus. What about me?
Did he respond?

Jake, you didn't take
any notes! Baby, I'm sorry.

I got a notification that Cristiano
just hit 1.6 million followers.

Wait, what?
How is that even possible?

Yeah, that's crazy.
Dude's a rock star.

Okay, well, experiment.
Andrew, what about you?

I got nothing. My hands were
sweaty. My heartbeat was rapid.

It's just... Nothing.

Are you telling me that I got
out the deep cleave for nothing?

- No, no, no.
- No, no. Not for nothing, baby.

- Deep cleave.
- Everyone's rooting for it.

Let me guess.
You're getting drunk.

Not a bad idea.

Champagne, weirdo.
Your finest.

- What? No.
- No.

- Feels right.
- Ugh.

What are you doing? Don't
worry. Cristiano's paying for it.

He's just signed a deal
with Absolut Vodka.

They're huge supporters - of
the LGBTQIA2 - S+ communities.

- Here is our finest bottle.
- Wow. Oh.

Can I say something?
My eyes are up here.

Ew.

Unbelievable.

I don't trust him.

- Okay.
- Oh. That is very...

It's okay. It's okay.
I do this all the time.

- No, I don't think you do.
- Oh, oh!

Oh, no! Okay.
It's really in there.

I can... Just... Oh.

I got it. Okay?

You know what? Fine.

I'm sure you're dying to demonstrate
your toxic masculinity anyway.

I'm... I'm so sorry.
Owie! Ow! Ow!

I barely touched that. Oh,
bullshit! You did that on purpose.

- Ow!
- Are you okay?

This predator tried to blind me

because I don't want
to go out with him.

Hey, what's going on? What
happened? Leo got hit with a cork.

Leo was assaulted
with a projectile, actually.

Okay. Hey, Leo.
Why don't you take off early?

Yeah? Okay. Go home.
Relax. Put some ice on that.

- I might need to take the rest of the week off too.
- All right, buddy.

You take care. Okay?

Something tells me
I owe you dinner.

Oh, no.
No.

Oh, no.
If you insist.

I'll start you
with some appetizers.

Get out of here.
You're a stuntman?

- I'm trying.
- He just booked a huge gig.

He also teaches self-defense. You
should check out one of his classes.

I will. Has Rafi fed
you well enough?

Yes, delicious.
Yeah. Stuffed.

Mm-hmm. He is a
culinary magician.

- Oh, I don't know. I wouldn't go that far.
- It's okay. I got you.

I'm sure Mr. Jiang has told you
all about Andrew's new boyfriend.

He's a philanthropist...

...and renowned
human rights activist.

Wow.
That's super impressive.

Yes. Yes, but it's really
nothing compared to all this.

I mean, this is amazing that you have
a restaurant in New York at your age.

- Like, come on.
- Yeah, thanks.

Uh, it can be tough.

- You know, New York and a restaurant.
- Yeah, I bet.

The thing about Andrew's boyfriend is
that even with his globe-trotting schedule,

he still finds time to make sweet
love to little Andrew for hours on end.

Uh, wow.

Okay, I should start closing up. Um,
you guys hang out as long as you want.

- Thanks.
- Thank you again.

Thanks, guys. Good night.
Thanks for coming.

Good night.

Good night.

Dude, why are you so angry?
The man is clearly straight.

You don't know that.

Open your eyes. He was
gonna find out anyway.

That I have a fake boyfriend?

That you have a boyfriend real
enough to land you your dream job.

Because he got me fired
from the one I had.

- I should never have gone along with all this shit.
- You guys...

You always think you're saving
me, but you just make my life worse.

Stop it!

We'll live, bruh.
Uh...

I hear our mother crying.

Do you? Help our mother.
Save a deer.

Babe, just come to bed.
You'll feel better tomorrow.

All I wanted to do was help.

I know.

I think I have to
delete Cristiano.

It might be time.

I'm sorry, I...

I know you put
a lot of work into this.

But you know that everything
he can do, you can do too.

It's Nico.

Well, aren't you
going to open it? No.

Okay, then fine, I will.

"Apologies in advance.

Your boyfriend's about
to cheat on you with me.

Oops."

He's probably on his way over
to Drew's right now. Come on!

Nah, I'm not going.

He thinks
I'm messing up his life.

Okay.

He's wrong. You're great.

Let's go save Drew.

Come on. Up and at 'em.

- Hey!
- Ah, so thirsty.

Ah! Screw you. Did Andrew
change his entry code or what?

Hmm. Did he?
Oh, I don't know.

Listen, frat boy. You don't know
who you're messing with.

Mmm. Have a terrible night!

You better watch your back.

Ooh! Scary penis trap.

I'm so scared!
I'm not a penis trap, okay?

You're penis traps.
You're penis... I'm not...

Such a loser!
So stupid!

Loser!

Good one.
Yeah.

Wash. Tone.

Drink. Love.

Your biggest organ.

Congratulations
on your big movie!

Thanks, Mom.
Mm-hmm.

What are you doing here?

Oh, there was
an HRC members meeting.

What's with the shirt?

- You like?
- No.

I got it on Etsy. They're
talking about him for 2028.

Ooh! You could be
First Husband.

Wouldn't that be fantastic? I
could visit you at the White House.

Mom, um...
Huh?

The whole thing
about Cristiano...

I know. I get too excited.

Okay, let me just take a breath.

Ooh! Slow my roll.

He... I'm just so happy

that you found a partner
who deserves you.

Speaking of which,
why are you fighting with Jake?

- Oh, that's why you're here.
- No! Well, may... Not 100%.

Look, why are you
fighting with Jakey?

We're not fighting. He's
just way too deep in my life.

Boy needs to chill.

Listen to me.
Jake is your best friend.

No matter what happens with
all these other loves in your life,

he is always gonna be there.

You need to fix it.

I will.

Okay.

Wait. Are you cooking now?

I'm trying. Um...

I'm actually taking
his cooking class.

You're cooking with your man?

Yeah. I guess I am.

Oh. Whoa.

- Is it good?
- It's edible.

I wouldn't stop going
to classes just yet.

But, oh, my baby's cooking!

Oh!

Look at you!
I'm so proud...

I'm gonna fix it.

What?
Yeah.

All right, squad, how
we doing? Looking good.

Yo. Hey, Liz. Uh...

- Hi.
- Hey.

- What are you doing here?
- Kelly invited me, remember?

You've done my class.
Now it's my turn to do yours.

Yeah, welcome.
We should get started.

So, partners in protection.

I want to go through a kind
of drill, basic defense drill,

that you might encounter
on a common night out.

All right?
So let me grab a volunteer.

Anyone else?

Rafi. Yeah.

Yes, well...

come on in.

So, you're out at a bar, you're
having a good time with your friends,

and maybe some drinks, but maybe
someone else has had way too much to drink.

They pull you in like this.
What are you gonna do?

You want to take control.
Okay.

Uh, you're gonna grab
this left wrist.

And then you're gonna slide
your arm across my neck.

This arm. Yeah.
Like...

Like that?
Uh, yeah.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh, sorry.

I need to steal Andrew.
I need you to hop in and spar.

Oh, okay. Yeah.
Spar with who?

He has a title fight coming up.

Not the Aussie.

You reading my mind, bud?
Yeah, it's the Aussie.

Actually, we were just getting started,
so I should probably stay with the class.

I'm for sure as hell not gonna
jump in there. No, no, no. No, no.

I'm too little.
Look at me. Fragile, even.

Uh, he'll snap me
in two, for sure.

- It's gotta be all you.
- Gotta be me.

I will take over. Yeah.
That's a nice shirt.

Yeah, thanks.

But I got you.
We're all good?

Everybody's good here. Okay.

Who's the Aussie? Oh, you
don't want to know. He's huge.

Mate! Aww!

I really appreciate
you doing this.

I need to get the training in
before my big fight.

I'm happy to help you.

All right, let's fight.

Things all good with that new bloke
you've been hanging out with? Carleto?

Cristiano? Hmm, it's good.

Right. He seems a mate.
You deserve a good guy.

Thank you.
That's very sweet.

- Whoa! Whoa!
- Maybe after this,

we can celebrate your new
boyfriend and grab a pint, yeah?

Whoa! Maybe.

Oh, shit. Okay.

You all right?

Get back here,
little buddy. No, no...

You almost had him
a few times in there.

Yeah, yeah, my fetal position
is real strong.

I'm very glad that
you got to watch all that.

- How was class with Peyton?
- Oh, it was good.

Yeah? Yeah, they were
really nice. Very hands on.

Even invited me out for a drink.

Oh. Really?

Are you, um...
Are you interested in them?

I just thought I might have
something I might need to do

or someplace I might need to go.

Right. Right.

Because you wouldn't want
to have to be somewhere

when you need to
be someplace else.

Hey, um,
I'll catch you later, buddy.

Yeah. Okay, buddy.

Great class.
Yeah.

It was good.
Okay.

Okay.

What's wrong with me?

You, um, want to get
in the shower with me?

Mm-hmm. I do.

Um... Yeah.
Hmm?

I really want to, but, babe,

I'm currently figuring out
how to deep fake a TikTok

and I'm on eight tutorials,
and I wanna make sure that...

Jake, um, do you think that this
might be getting out of hand?

Nico just messaged Cristiano.

Hmm.
Yeah. What a bastard.

Bastard.

All right, pendejo. You
wanna dance? Bailamos.

"You don't love him

like I do."

I don't love him like you do?

Whatever, bitch.
I own that man.

Do you want me
to text that back for you?

Jesus Christ, Troy.
Stay out of my business.

All right.

Troy, Troy, you get that
butt back here right now.

Troy, pick this up.
Troy, that's a rental!

Are you excited
Cristiano's back?

I saw he posted
from Times Square.

He's having some kind of Twitter
war with this soap opera guy.

Nico?

Yeah, I think that's his name.

Yeah, it's pretty cutthroat.

Like, I wanted
to look away, but...

Sometimes I forget that our lives
are out there for everyone to see.

Not that you were doing that.

I'm being weird.
Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm not a social media guy,
to be honest.

Ah, don't apologize.
I get it.

I only have profiles
for the restaurant.

You don't really post that much
of your personal stuff online.

Yeah. Okay.
I see what I did there.

Hey, listen, um, I was
wondering if you and Cristiano

would like to come by the
restaurant for an eight-course tasting.

No. I mean, why?

Eight courses,
that's... that's a lot.

- I just wanna thank you both.
- Thank us for what?

Cristiano posted
about the Aberdeen,

and now we're booked solid
for months.

- Wow.
- I can't thank him, or you, enough.

For the first time, I feel like
the restaurant might be a hit.

It's kind of overwhelming, huh?

I think about all the things
I thought I wanted

and now I want.

I want you.

To come to dinner...
with us.

You want me to have dinner
with you and your boyfriend?

Yeah. Absolutely.

So let me get this straight.
He's coming here right now?

I tried to get out of it. I texted
him that Cristiano was sick.

Then he was like, "I'll bring
over some homemade soup."

And then I was like,
"Okay, that sounds lovely!"

Oh, wow! He sounds
really great. I like him.

Right? You can't blame me for
falling for a potentially straight guy.

Um, I can.
Last time, disaster.

Terence Mullen.
Eighth-grade sleep away camp.

Drew popped a boner
in arts and crafts

and had to jump in
the lake. Oh, poor baby.

Well, Jake popped one
over Myrna the lunch lady.

Aw, that just makes me
love you more.

No! Guys, he's gonna be here
any minute. What do we do?

He's here. What do we do?

- Maybe just tell him the truth.
- What, and look like an absolute psychopath? No!

No, I got it. I got it.
Come with me. Oh.

Jake to the rescue. You
go get the door. Mm-hmm.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You're here.

What do I do? Okay, we're
gonna throw a bunch of stuff

inside the toilet...
Just wet stuff, big stuff.

Wet stuff. Make it
sound like... Big, small...

Big, small, wet, juicy.

Uh, I brought you the soup.

Thank you. Thanks.
That's very sweet.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Um...
please, come in.

Thank you.
Come on in.

How's he feeling?

Owie!

Uh, babe, you okay?

Ah, it's coming out
of both ends!

Do not listen!

Well, Rafi brought you
some chicken noodle soup.

Grazie.

Hey, Cristiano. Uh, I'm so
sorry you aren't feeling well.

Oh, no, it's okay. I mean,
it's so terrible in here.

Um, I... It's so moist.
I do not remember eating this!

Okay. There it is.

Wow!

It's right...

Does he need help in there?
No. No, he doesn't.

Ah, it's so painful.
It's like spaghetti.

Oh, my God! Babe!

Baby, are you okay?

Uh, Rafi wants to know if we
should come in there and help you.

Is that a good idea?

No! No, do not open the door.

I do not want you
to see or smell me like this.

You two go and have fun.

Maybe I can get some sleep without
you poking me with your little penis.

Owie, owie.

It's decently sized.

That's just a stupid,
stupid joke that we play.

Okay, baby.
We're gonna go out now.

Ow, ow, ow.

Nice to finally
meet you, Cristiano.

Yes. Ciao.

Good job.

Hey, did he mean it
when he said go out?

Yes. Yes, he is
a man of his word.

He would want me to go.

He doesn't want me
to see him sick.

Okay, well, I have an idea.

This side?

Uh, I'll go around.
Okay.

Hey.
How you doing?

Okay, so what's in Queens?

It is a surprise.

It ain't running with
the bulls, but it'll do.

This is taking me
all the way back.

I have not been skating
since I was a kid.

I pretty much grew up here.

When I was a kid, I'd tell my parents
I was going to the library to study,

and I'd come here instead.

It's where I found my tribe.

Right.
Yeah.

Oh! Here comes trouble.

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby.

Hey, Tasha.
Nice to see you again.

You too. Before you
get any ideas, he's taken.

By a very impressive man,
so hands off.

I need you to start introducing
me to guys who are hands on.

Okay, next time.

You two aren't together?

- No, we're not.
- She's my best friend.

And business partner. Yeah,
she's the other half of the Aberdeen.

I got you. I got you. Yeah.

Let's get out there.
Come on. Yes.

See you out there.
Yes.

Okay. Here, I got you.

[The Disco"]

Ready? Right, left.
Right, left.

Yeah, you got it.

Okay, swerve.
On the beat.

Whoa! Whoa!

Sorry, sorry! Shit!

Not yet.
Was that one of your stunts?

Oh, funny.

Yes. Yes, it was.

Very smooth. Very
smooth. Carry on.

Thanks. So, I'm wondering,

here you are,
this badass stuntman.

But you said Jake
saved your life?

That was Halloween, okay? We
were Batman and Robin. I was Batman.

We were crossing the street. This
car came at like three miles per hour.

And he pushed me out of the way.

Cute.

He's always had my back.

Even through all the breakups.

Have there been a lot of them?

Uh, just one, over and over...

Yeah, I can relate.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you
can please take your seats,

our keynote speaker
will start momentarily.

Babe? What are you doing?

Go to bed.

No time. Cristiano's got
a conference in Singapore.

Welcome to the stage,
Mr. Cristiano Maradona. Oh, okay.

Please, please.

Please, no clapping.
I'm only a man.

Thank you so much
for joining us here today.

What if I told you tickling

can not only just be fun,
but it can be...

...beneficial
for your long-term health?

Tickling, particularly
in my own experience...

Unbelievable. ...has proven
to help my partner and I...

Nice cheap suit, penis trap.
...connect on a deeper, more emotional,

even spiritual level.

Hey, you guys heading out?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

And it was cool to get
to hang out with you.

Yeah, you too.
Hey, Andrew.

You seem like a really cool guy

and Rafi seems like he's having
a lot of fun with you.

But be careful with him.

He hasn't had a lot of
good luck with guys.

And his last boyfriend was...

You have a man, right?
So maybe don't mess around.

- I'm... I...
- I'll see you soon!

Yeah. Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You ready? Let's go.

Let me see...

Oh, come on.
Can we mute this?

Come on!

Did you have a nice time?

No, it was terrible.
Oh, shut up.

Yeah, I did.
I had a great time.

It was magic.

Um...

You mentioned, um...

I was talking earlier
about breakups,

and you said that
you could relate.

I kept going back to my ex.
He was pretty terrible to me.

Now I can relate.
That's... Yeah.

Basically, I hung in there until I walked
in on him hooking up with another guy.

I love New York.

But it is hard to find a
guy who's not gonna lie,

who just wants to be
honest and committed and,

shit, I don't know,

just wants to be in love.

It should be simple, right?

Why am I telling you all this?

You hit the jackpot.

Be an Absolut activist.

You're really lucky.
You got one of the good ones.

Yeah.

Yeah. Super lucky.

Hello?

Oh!
Shit.

Hello, gorgeous.

Nico, what are you doing here?

Isn't this what
you always wanted?

Me, waiting for you,
in your bed,

surrounded by all
your weird kung-fu posters.

Get out.

It's over.
It's been over.

Why?

Because of your new boyfriend?

I mean, he never seems
to be around.

That must keep you
warm at night.

Actually, it has nothing
to do with him.

Don't be so mean to me, baby.

Okay?

You know you don't know
how to quit me.

Get out.

You know what, Andrew?

I don't lose.

Yeah? Well, you lost me.

Yes!

Yes!

No. No, unfortunately, Cristiano
can't make the photo shoot.

No, he's in Bhutan.
But we can send photos.

Okay. Yeah, that works.

All right. Well, fantastic.
Yes, we accept yen.

Okay.

What's up, baby?
We can get rid of Cristiano.

I don't need him anymore. And thank
you so much for making him. It worked.

You're my best friend
and I love you.

But we're good. I am
officially done with Nico forever.

I am free and I am ready
to tell Rafi how I feel.

Okay, we love to hear that. But
we can't delete Cristiano just yet.

Not until at least Q4.

- I just signed a major sponsorship for him. It's crazy.
- What?

What the hell is Q4?
What the... What?

What's with this suit?
Are you...

Oh. Oh, my God. You're
literally turning into him.

Well, I have the integrity to wear
whatever product Cristiano endorses.

Speaking of which, I tweeted that
Cristiano loved the Surface tablet.

And bang. Look at that.

It's here. Can you believe
that? Here, it's yours.

Oh, hey, Drew.
What's going on?

Drew wants to put down
Cristiano.

Yes! Thank you.
What a great idea. Awesome.

Traitors. Think about
all that he's done for us.

You with your job, and Kelly, don't tell
me you don't like the money and the perks.

I don't want the money or the
perks. I just want our life back.

Are you sure you just
don't want loser Jake back?

What? What are you
talking about?

I love you.

This... This thing
is only driving us apart.

You made Cristiano to
help Andrew, and you did.

There's no reason
to keep him anymore.

I... I can't just delete him.

He's part of me. I...

Oh, my God.
Jake, he's not real.

He's real to me, Kelly.

And millions of other people.

Drew, you have Rafi.

Kelly, you have medicine.
What do I have? I have nothing.

Cristiano was the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

Okay. What do you...

Kelly, what are you
gonna do? Kelly!

There's something
not right here.

Kelly!

Scary penis trap!

You're penis traps.
You're penis...

It's done.
Oh, you're done.

No.

No.

Kung Blue, scene 43, take 1.

Everybody to one!

Psst!

Psst!

I'm so sorry.

Action.

Damn it. Shit. Cut, cut, cut.

- Hey!
- Can we get this man some water, please?

Cristiano would want you to be
strong and keep pushing forward. Oh!

I-I'm fine. I just have
something in my eye. That's...

Hey, hey. I can't imagine how
you're coping with this massive loss.

I mean, we've all suffered
a massive loss today.

No, I... None more so than you.

There's no shame
in emotion, lad.

But there's no room
for emotion on a film set.

When your heart is healed,

perhaps then you can
work on the sequel,

Kung Bluer.

Maybe then,
that's when we'll reunite.

But for now, it's you time.

No. No. Not me time.
I'm good. Yeah. Yeah.

Come on, son. All right?
It's you time.

Say it with me.
"You time."

You time. Sitting on the
couch, eating Jammie Dodgers.

Call Jake.
Calling Jake.

Are you No'vi from Pandora?
No.

Not No'vi. Na'vi.

No, No'vi.
I'm gonna look it up.

I'm not the woman
from Avatar, you moron.

Technically, she's not a woman,
speaking from mythical accuracy.

Stop with the Avatar shit, bro. I
just got fired from my dream job.

I finally booked a real movie,

and then they sent me home
so that I could grieve.

Cristiano giveth,
Cristiano taketh away.

Are you in my room?

Kelly and I need space.

What? No. Jake, no.
You guys can't do that.

It's over. I don't know how I'm
gonna make it through the funeral.

- There's a funeral, Jake?
- BuzzFeed's gonna host it.

We both have to wear
white, by the way.

So let's try not to be
too matchy-matchy.

Oh, God.

There we go.

Thank you.

Okay, right there. Perfect.
Right here, honey.

We have mugs, onesies and tees.

How are there so many people?

Cristiano had close to
three million Insta followers.

Plus, the little Maradonites,
his Twitter army,

and all the followers
of his medical blog.

- Medical blog?
- Kelly's contribution.

Before she turned on me.

Not that you would know. You never
really followed or appreciated him.

You talking about him
or you talking about you?

You never thanked either of us.

Thank you, Jake. Thank you
for creating my fake boyfriend

so that we could fake murder him
and then we could have

this ridiculous,
all-white fake funeral.

First, I find your sincerity
a little lacking.

Second, Kelly killed him,
with your help.

Third, do not use
the word "murder."

I've had to fight hard
to squash those rumors.

Mechanical difficulties
brought the plane down.

So i-if anyone asks,

just mumble something about Inner
Mongolia, old planes and start crying.

I'll handle the rest.

Andrew.

Jake told me not to call,
but I wanted to be here.

How are you holding up?
I'm fine. I'm...

Yeah, um, thank you for...
Thanks for coming. Of course.

All right.
You've had enough time.

Keep it moving.
Big line, guys.

Look, anything you need, you
just let me know, okay? Yeah.

You guys too, on that side.

Did you... No.
Did you guys touch him?

He's completely dirty.

I said no touching.

Did you put up the sign?

Hey, it's Kelly.
Leave me a message.

It's okay to cry, baby.
Go on.

That's it. Let it out.

Before we get started,
I'd like to thank our sponsor,

Absolut Vodka.

Why is Absolut Vodka
sponsoring this?

- How else were we gonna pay for all this?
- Shh! Quiet.

So what can be said
about Cristiano Maradona?

It's safe to say he was loved.

Sadly, I never knew him.

But our friend Jake has given me
a rather extensive personal history

that he'd like me
to share with you.

Cristiano Maradona was born in a small
fishing village on the isle of Sardinia.

He was a wee baby...
Three pounds, three ounces.

Thank you.
The medical profession,

his mother, his father

never believed he'd survive.

He was a miracle...

But that wasn't the last time
that the pope recruited him

for a sacred
and dangerous mission.

Make it stop.

Yeah.

Thank you, sweet Jesus.

Now I'd like
to open up the floor.

Would anyone like to share
a memory of Cristiano? No!

No, Mom. No...

It's okay. It's okay.

Mom.

Hi, I'm Lucille.
I'm Andrew's mother.

Andrew's coming out
wasn't always smooth for me.

It's not that
I loved him any less.

It's... Well, it's just
that I feared that

his happiness would be
harder to come by.

But in the short time Andrew
and Cristiano were together,

I witnessed my son
happier than he's ever been.

I know that most of you
know Cristiano for his activism,

but there was another side to him
that Andrew actually shared with me.

He actually taught
cooking classes

for seniors and teens...

...and other people
in the community.

And that's where
Andrew and Cristiano met.

Before these classes,

my son couldn't cook an egg
if you cracked it for him.

I think that Cristiano
taught Andrew that

food is a way
of expressing love.

And since those classes,
I have witnessed my son

grow in beautiful ways.

So, Cristiano,
thank you for loving my baby,

and for making him
into an even better man.

You are an absolute angel.

Would you like to say something?

Oh, no. Sorry, Father.
I just need to go.

Why? Things are just about
to get interesting.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you have all...
been lied to.

I'm sorry. Are you a
friend of the deceased?

Oh, the deceased?
Oh, Father.

You can't be deceased

if you were never alive
in the first place!

Don't worry.
I thought of everything.

There's a reason
it's a closed casket!

What the... No!

Okay. No, no, no.
Jake and Andrew

wanted this to look
like a real funeral...

Have some respect for the dead!
Back off, you bleached asshole.

Yes!

- Jesus.
- I told you! Cristiano is fake!

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God.

These... These are lies!

Rafi, I'm sorry, please. I can
explain. Wait. I can explain.

I don't know what this is, but I need
to remove myself from this situation.

This is a lie!

Also, there's a fire.

Fire!

Fire!

These...
These are lies. Lies!

Melinda! This is the best
bloody funeral I've ever been to.

Thank you, Andrew.

I just got 400,000
new followers.

Who's winning now?

Fire's out. You're
all safe. For now.

But when you die, I'm pretty
sure you'll both burn in hell.

Take care now.
Jesus loves you.

All out. Oh.

Have a good class.

She just needs a minute. May...
Maybe she needs a couple minutes.

You know we weren't supposed to
meet, right? What are you talking about?

Have I not told you this story?
It was an accident.

She actually meant
to swipe left on me,

but she was out with
her girlfriends, karaoke,

had a lot of spritzers,
accidentally swiped right,

and then dropped her phone
in the toilet. Yeah.

So, I met the love of my life
because of a mistake.

Mr. Jiang. Hey.

I really need your help.

I screwed up.
You know that.

But I've gotta help my friends.

I've gotta show Rafi
the real me.

And I don't know
if he's gonna forgive me.

I don't know if I can
fix Jake and Kelly,

but I at least gotta try.

That's the most sensible thing
you've ever said.

Mr. Jiang,
you're talking to me.

Well, you finally stopped
going on with your ex-boyfriend

and the fake one you and
your idiot friend made up.

- That's a little harsh.
- I like you, though. You're a nice kid.

Although, you're
a little bit dense up here.

That's still harsh,
but I'll... I'll take that.

There's a saying in Chinese.

What does that mean?

Don't fuck with love.

You see, love is
the best thing in life.

And you have to stay open to it
for it to find you,

and if it does, you do
everything in your power

to hold onto it
for as long as you can.

So what's the plan?

["Work It"]

I am so proud of
you both for fighting.

Come here.

Mmm! Go get 'em back.

Kelly, what are you doing here?

Mr. Jiang said he wasn't feeling
well and asked me to check in on him.

That's weird. He asked me
to take him grocery shopping.

Ah! There you are.
Welcome.

Thank you for joining us
this evening.

Come on.

Hmm.

Jake and Andrew
would like to talk to you.

Hey, come on.
Come on. You too.

Hi.

Hi.

So, I... I made this meal

to show you
how I feel about you.

And you can stay or go,

but I hope you can eat first,

and I can maybe talk.

Kelly, I suck.

You were right.
I got in way too deep.

I love you, and I should
have been more honest

about what was going on
inside me, so...

Also, you're here now,
so might as well eat.

Is there wine?
Wine helps me listen.

Yes, we have it.

Kelly really needs this.

That'll do.

["Favorite Song"]

Wow, you guys made all of this.

I'm impressed.
And you made me baklava?

I tried. I tried
to make you baklava.

Do you like it?

I love it.

Can I have this dance?

I'm sorry too.

I just... I want you to believe
in yourself as much as I do.

I love you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So, what did you
want to tell me?

I wanted to apologize
for lying to you.

This whole fake boyfriend thing,
you know, it started

because I thought I knew
what love was.

But I was wrong.

And that had me stay with a man

that I just should have
never been with.

And then, as silly as it is,
Cristiano helped me...

He helped me
stay away from that.

Helped me at my job.
Helped me with confidence.

And then I met you.

And that showed me
what real love could look like.

Rafi, I don't know...

I don't know what you want to do with this.
I don't know how you feel about me, but...

If I'm honest...

I'd have to admit that I hated
that you had a boyfriend.

I think I'm the only one
who was happy he wasn't real.

It maybe sounds like
you wanna be my real boyfriend.

I think a man who would do this
for me and his friends

is a man I'd love to be
my real boyfriend.

Finally.

Oh, I love!

Yeah, baby, you're good.
And tango and switch.