My Fair Lady (1964) Movie Script

Splendid.

Sorry, sir, I've already got one there.

Over here, sir, over here.

Coming through.

Over here, sir.

Make way.

Freddy, oh, it's already very late.

Move it, darn it.

Freddy, go and find a cab.

Do you want me

to catch pneumonia?

Watch out, daffy.

He calls me a daffy.

Don't just stand there, Freddy.

Go and find a cab.

All right, I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'm getting wet.

I'm so sorry.

Look where you're going, dear.

Look where you're going.

I'm so sorry.

Two bunches of violets

trod in the mud.

A full day's wages.

Freddy.

Freddy, go and find a cab.

Yes, Mother.

Oh, he's your son, is he?

Well, if you'd done your duty by him

as a mother should,

you wouldn't let him spoil

a poor girl's flowers

and then run away without paying.

Oh, go about your business, my girl.

And you wouldn't go off

without paying either.

Two bunches of violets

trod in the mud.

Good heavens.

- Sir, is there any sign of it stopping?

- I'm afraid not.

- It's worse than before.

- Oh, dear.

If it's worse,

it's a sign it's nearly over.

Cheer up, captain.

Buy a flower off a poor girl.

I'm sorry, I haven't any change.

Oh, I can change half a crown.

Here, take this for tuppence.

I told you, I'm awfully sorry,

I haven't--

Oh, wait a minute. Oh, yes.

Here's three ha'pence,

if that's any use to you.

Thank you, sir.

Here, you be careful.

Better give him a flower for it.

There is a bloke here

behind that pillar

taking down every blessed word

you're saying.

I ain't done nothing wrong

by speaking to the gentleman.

I've a right to sell flowers

if I keep off the curb.

I'm a respectable girl, so help me.

I never spoke to him except to ask him

to buy a flower off me.

- Don't start.

- What's all the noise?

There's a tec taking her down.

I'm making an honest living.

Who's doing all that shouting?

- Where is it coming from?

- Well...

Oh, sir, don't let him charge me.

They don't know what it means to me.

They'll take away me character

and drive me on the streets

for speaking to gentlemen.

There, there, there.

Who's hurting you, you silly girl?

What you take me for?

On my Bible oath,

I never spoke a word.

Shut up. Do I look like a policeman?

Then what did you take down

me words for?

How do I know

you took me down right?

You just show me

what you wrote about me.

Oh.

What's that?

That ain't proper writing.

- I can't read it.

- I can.

"I say, captain,

now buy a flower off a poor girl."

Oh, it's because

I called him "captain."

Oh, I meant no harm.

Sir, don't let him lay a charge

against me for a word like that.

I'll make no charge.

Really, sir, if you are a detective,

you needn't begin protecting me

against molestation

from young women until I ask you.

Anyone could tell the girl

meant no harm.

He ain't no tec.

He's a gentleman.

Look at his boots.

How are all your people

down at Selsey?

Who told you

my people come from Selsey?

Never mind. They do.

How do you come to be

up so far east?

You were born in Lisson Grove.

Oh, what harm is there my leaving

Lisson Grove?

It weren't fit for a pig to live in

and I had to pay 4 and 6 a week--

Live where you like,

but stop that noise.

Come, come, he can't touch you.

You've a right to live where you please.

- I'm a good girl, I am.

- Yes, yes, yes.

Where do I come from?

Hoxton.

Well, who said I didn't?

Blimey, you know everything, you do.

You, sir, do you think

you could find me a taxi?

I don't know whether you've noticed,

but it's stopped raining.

You can get a motor bus

to Hampton Court.

Well, that's where you live, isn't it?

What impertinence.

Hey, tell him where he comes from,

you wanna go fortune-telling.

Cheltenham,

Harrow,

Cambridge and, uh, India?

Quite right.

Blimey, he ain't a tec,

he's a blooming busybody.

If I may ask, sir, do you do this sort

of thing for a living at a music hall?

Well, I have thought of it.

Perhaps I will one day.

He's no gentleman.

He ain't, to interfere with a poor girl.

How do you do it, may I ask?

Simple phonetics.

The science of speech.

That's my profession.

Also my hobby.

Anyone can spot an Irishman

or a Yorkshireman by his brogue,

but I can place a man

within six miles.

I can place him

within two miles in London.

Sometimes within two streets.

Ought to be ashamed of himself,

unmanly coward.

Is there a living in that?

Oh, yes, quite a fat one.

Let him mind his own business

and leave a poor girl--

Woman! Cease this detestable

boohooing instantly

or else seek the shelter

of some other place of worship.

I have a right to be here if I like,

same as you.

Woman who utters such disgusting

and depressing noises

has no right to be anywhere.

No right to live.

Remember that you're a human being

with a soul

and the divine gift

of articulate speech.

That your native language

is the language of Shakespeare

and Milton and the Bible.

Don't sit there

crooning like a bilious pigeon.

Ow!

Look at her

A prisoner of the gutters

Condemned by every syllable

She utters

By right

She should be taken out and hung

For the cold-blooded murder

Of the English tongue

Ow!

Heavens! What a sound!

This is what the British population

Calls an elementary education.

Come, sir,

I think you picked a poor example.

Did I?

Hear them down in Soho Square

Dropping H's everywhere

Speaking English any way they like

Hey, you, sir, did you go to school?

What do you take me for, a fool?

Well, no one taught him "take"

Instead of "tike"

Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse

Hear a Cornishman converse

I'd rather hear a choir singing flat

Chickens, cackling in a barn

Just like this one

Garn.

"Garn."

I ask you, sir,

what sort of word is that?

It's "ow" and "garn"

That keep her in her place

Not her wretched clothes

And dirty face

Why can't the English

Teach their children how to speak?

This verbal class distinction

By now, should be antique

If you spoke as she does, sir

Instead of the way you do

Why, you might be selling flowers too

I beg your pardon.

An Englishman's way of speaking

Absolutely classifies him

The moment he talks

He makes some other Englishman

Despise him

One common language

I'm afraid we'll never get

Oh, why can't the English learn to

Set a good example to people

Whose English is painful to your ears

The Scotch and the Irish

Leave you close to tears

There even are places

Where English completely disappears

Why, in America

They haven't used it for years

Why can't the English

Teach their children how to speak?

Norwegians learn Norwegian

The Greeks are taught their Greek

In France every Frenchman knows

His language from A to Z

The French don't care

what they do actually,

as long as they pronounce it properly.

Arabians learn Arabian

With the speed of summer lightning

The Hebrews learn it backwards

Which is absolutely frightening

Use proper English

You're regarded as a freak

Oh, why can't the English...

Why can't the English

Learn to speak?

Thank you.

You see this creature

with her curbstone English?

The English that'll keep her

in the gutter till the end of her days?

Well, sir, in six months,

I could pass her off

as a duchess at an Embassy Ball.

I could even get her a job

as a lady's maid or a shop assistant,

which requires better English.

Here, what's that you say?

Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf.

You disgrace to the noble architecture

of these columns.

You incarnate insult

to the English language,

I could pass you off

as the Queen of Sheba.

Oh, you don't believe that, captain.

Anything's possible.

I myself am a student

of Indian dialects.

Are you?

Do you know Colonel Pickering,

the author of Spoken Sanskrit?

I am Colonel Pickering.

Who are you?

I'm Henry Higgins,

author of Higgins Universal Alphabet.

I came from India to meet you.

I was going to India to meet you.

- Higgins.

- Pickering.

Higgins.

- Where are you staying?

At the Carlton.

No, you're not.

You're staying at 27A Wimpole Street.

You come with me.

We'll have a little jaw over supper.

- Right you are.

- Indian dialects always fascinated me.

Buy a flower, kind sir.

I'm short for me lodgings.

Liar.

You said you could change

half a crown.

You ought to be stuffed with nails,

you ought.

Here, take the whole blooming basket

for sixpence.

A reminder.

How many are there actually?

How many what?

Indian dialects.

No fewer than 147 distinct languages

are recorded as vernacular in India.

Ow.

Ah.

Shouldn't we stand up, gentlemen?

We've got a blooming heiress

in our midst.

Would you be looking

for a good butler, Eliza?

Well, you won't do.

It's rather dull in town

I think I'll take me to Paris

The missus wants to open up

The castle in Capri

Me doctor recommends

A quiet summer by the sea

Wouldn't it be loverly

Where you bound for this year, Eliza?

Biarritz?

All I want is a room somewhere

Far away from the cold night air

With one enormous chair

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Lots of chocolate for me to eat

Lots of coal makin' lots of heat

Warm face, warm hands, warm feet

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Oh, so loverly sittin'

Abso-bloomin'-lutely still

I would never budge till spring

Crept over the windowsill

Someone's head restin' on my knee

Warm and tender as he can be

Who takes good care of me

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Loverly, loverly

All I want is a room somewhere

Far away from the cold night air

With one enormous chair

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Lots of chocolate for me to eat

Lots of coal makin' lots of heat

Warm face, warm hands, warm feet

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Oh, so loverly sittin'

Abso-bloomin'-lutely still

I would never budge till spring

Crept over the windowsill

Someone's head restin' on my knee

Warm and tender as he can be

Who takes good care of me

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Loverly

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Loverly

Wouldn't it be loverly?

Come on, Alfie, let's go home

now. This place is giving me the willies.

Home?

What do you want to go home for?

It's nearly 5:00.

My daughter, Eliza,

will be along soon.

She ought to be good

for a half a crown

for a father what loves her.

Loves her? That's a laugh.

You ain't been near her for months.

What's that got to do with it?

What's half a crown

after all I've give her?

When did you

ever give her anything?

Anything? I give her everything.

I give her the greatest gift

any human being can give to another.

Life.

I introduced her to this here planet,

I did, with all its wonders and marvels.

The sun that shines,

the moon that glows.

Hyde Park to walk through

on a fine spring night.

The whole ruddy city of London

to roam around in,

selling her blooming flowers.

I give her all that.

Then I disappears

and leaves her on her own to enjoy it.

Now, if that ain't worth half a crown

now and again,

I'll take my belt off

and give her what for.

You got a good heart, Alfie.

But you want that half a crown

out of Eliza,

you better have a good story

to go with it.

Leave that to me, my boy.

Good morning, George.

Not a brass farthing.

Good morning to you, Algernon.

Not a brass farthing.

Move on, please. Come on.

Get your moving ass out of here.

On with it.

Veggies. Get your veggies.

Here we are. Nice salad greens.

Lovely Spanish onion...

Five pounds...

This is it. Nice bunches of veggies.

- Take your pick.

- There she is.

Tomatoes over here.

Nice garden tomatoes.

Very tempting.

Why, Eliza, what a surprise.

Hop along, Charlie,

you're too old for me.

- Don't know your own daughter?

- How you gonna find her

- if you don't know what she looks like?

- I know her. Come on.

I'll find her.

Eliza, what a surprise.

Not a brass farthing.

Here, you come here, Eliza.

I ain't gonna take me

hard-earned wages

and let you pass them on

to a bloody pub keeper.

Eliza, you wouldn't have the heart

to send me home to your stepmother

without a drop of liquid protection,

now, would you?

Stepmother indeed.

Well, I'm willing to marry her.

It's me that suffers by it.

I'm a slave to that woman, Eliza.

Just because I ain't

her lawful husband.

Come on, slip your old dad

just half a crown to go home on.

Well, I had a bit of luck myself

last night.

Yeah?

So here.

But don't keep coming around

counting on half crowns from me.

Thank you, Eliza.

You're a noble daughter.

Beer, beer, glorious beer

Fill yourself right up

Do you know where she's been?

Yeah, I know. Wayne is always asking.

That one, Ginny.

Leave me alone.

You see this creature

with her curbstone English?

The English that will keep her

in the gutter till the end of her days?

In six months, I could pass her off

as a duchess at an Embassy Ball.

I could even get her a job

as a lady's maid or a shop assistant,

which requires better English.

You disgrace to the noble

architecture of these columns.

I could even get her a job

as a lady's maid or a shop assistant,

which requires better English.

A.

E. U. A...

Now, how many vowel sounds

do you think you heard altogether?

I believe I counted 24.

- Wrong by a hundred.

- What?

To be exact, you heard 130.

Now, listen to them one at a time.

Must I? I'm really quite done up

for one morning.

Your name, please.

Your name, miss.

My name is of no concern

to you whatsoever.

One moment, please.

Oh, London is getting

so dirty these days.

I'm Mrs. Pearce,

the housekeeper. Can I help you?

Oh, good morning, missus.

I'd like to see the professor, please.

Could you tell me what it's about?

- It's business of a personal nature.

- Oh.

One moment, please.

Mr. Higgins.

What is it, Mrs. Pearce?

There's a young woman

who wants to see you, sir.

A young woman?

What does she want?

She's quite a common girl, sir.

Very common indeed.

I should have sent her away,

only I thought perhaps you wanted her

to talk into your machine.

- Has she an interesting accent?

- Simply ghastly, Mr. Higgins.

Good. Let's have her in.

Show her in, Mrs. Pearce.

Very well, sir. It's for you to say.

This is rather a bit of luck.

I'll show you how I make records.

We'll set her talking and then I'll take

her down first in Bell's Visible Speech,

then in Broad Romic, and then

we'll get her on the phonograph

so that you can turn her on

whenever you want

with the written transcript

before you.

This is the young woman, sir.

Good morning, my good man.

Might I have the pleasure

of a word with you face-to-face?

Oh, no, no, no.

This is the girl I jotted down last night.

She's no use. I've got all the records

I want of the Lisson Grove lingo.

I'm not gonna waste

another cylinder on that.

Now, be off with you.

I don't want you.

Don't be so saucy.

You ain't heard what I come for yet.

Did you tell him I come in a taxi?

Nonsense, girl.

What do you think a gentleman like

Mr. Higgins cares what you came in?

Oh, we are proud.

Well, he ain't above giving lessons.

Not him.

I heard him say so.

Well, I ain't come here

to ask for any compliment,

and if my money's not good enough,

I can go elsewhere.

Good enough for what?

Good enough for you.

Now you know, don't you?

I'm come to have lessons, I am.

And to pay for them too.

Make no mistake.

Well...

And what do you expect me to say?

Well, if you was a gentleman,

you might ask me to sit down, I think.

Don't I tell you

I'm bringing you business?

Pickering, should we ask this baggage

to sit down

or shall we just throw her

out of the window?

Ow! I won't be called a baggage.

Not when I've offered to pay

like any lady.

What do you want, my girl?

I-- I want to be a lady in a flower shop

instead of selling at the corner

of Tottenham Court Road.

But they won't take me

unless I can talk more genteel.

He said he could teach me.

Well, here I am.

Ready to pay him,

not asking any favor.

And he treats me as if I was dirt.

I know what lessons cost as well

as you do, and I'm ready to pay.

How much?

Now you're talking.

I thought you'd come off it when you

saw a chance of getting back

a bit of what you chucked at me.

- You'd had a drop in, hadn't you, eh?

- Sit down.

If you're going to make

a compliment of it--

Sit down!

Sit down, girl. Do as you're told.

What's your name?

Eliza Doolittle.

Won't you sit down, Miss Doolittle?

Oh.

I don't mind if I do.

Now, how much do you propose

to pay me for these lessons?

Oh, I know what's right.

A lady friend of mine gets French

lessons for 18 pence an hour

from a real French gentleman.

Well, you wouldn't have the face

to ask me the same

for teaching me my own language

as you would for French.

So I won't give more than a shilling.

Take it or leave it.

Do you know, Pickering, if you think

of a shilling not as a simple shilling

but as a percentage

of this girl's income,

it works out as fully equivalent

of 60 or 70 pounds

from a millionaire.

By George, it's enormous.

It's the biggest offer I ever had.

Sixty pounds?

What are you talking about?

Where would I get 60 pounds?

I never offered you 60 pounds.

- Hold your tongue.

- But I ain't got 60 pounds.

Don't cry, you silly girl.

Sit down.

Nobody's going to touch your money.

Somebody's going to touch you

with a broomstick

if you don't stop sniveling.

Sit down!

Oh, anybody would think

you was my father.

If I decide to teach you,

I'll be worse than two fathers to you.

Here.

- What's this for?

- To wipe your eyes.

To wipe any part of your face

that feels moist.

And remember, that's your

handkerchief and that's your sleeve.

And don't confuse the one

with the other

if you want to become

a lady in a shop.

It's no use to talk to her like that,

Mr. Higgins.

She doesn't understand you.

Here, give the handkerchief to me.

He give it to me, not to you.

Higgins, I'm interested.

What about your boast that you

could pass her off as a duchess

at the Embassy Ball, eh?

I'll say you're the greatest teacher alive

if you can make that good.

I'll bet you all the expenses

of the experiment that you can't do it.

I'll even pay for the lessons.

Oh, you're real good.

Thank you, captain.

You know, it's almost irresistible.

She's so deliciously low.

So horribly dirty.

I ain't dirty.

I washed my face and hands

before I come, I did.

I'll take it.

I'll make a duchess

of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe.

We'll start today. Now. This moment.

Take her away and clean her.

Sandpaper if it won't come off

any other way.

- Is there a good fire in the kitchen?

- Yes, but--

Take all her clothes, burn them,

and order new ones.

Just wrap her in brown paper

till they come.

You're no gentleman.

You're not to talk of such things.

I'm a good girl, I am.

And I know what the likes of you are,

I do.

We want none of your

slum prudery here, young woman.

You've got to learn to behave

like a duchess.

Now take her away, Mrs. Pearce.

If she gives you any trouble,

wallop her.

I'll call the police, I will.

I've got no place to put her.

- Well, put her in the dustbin.

- Ow!

Come, Higgins, be reasonable.

You must be reasonable, Mr. Higgins,

really, you must.

You can't walk

over everybody like this.

I?

Walk over everybody?

My dear Mrs. Pearce,

my dear Pickering.

I had no intention

of walking over anybody.

I merely suggested

we should be kind to this poor girl.

I didn't express myself clearly

because I didn't wish to hurt

her delicacy.

Or yours.

But, sir, you can't take a girl up

like that

as if you were

picking up a pebble on the beach.

Why not?

But you don't know

anything about her.

What about her parents?

She may be married.

Garn.

There.

As the girl very properly says, "Garn."

Who'd marry me?

By George, Eliza.

The streets will be strewn

with the bodies of men

shooting themselves for your sake

before I'm done with you.

Here. I'm going.

He's off his chump, he is.

- I don't want no barmies teaching me.

- Oh, mad, am I?

All right,

don't ring up and order those clothes.

- Throw her out.

- Stop, Mr. Higgins, I won't allow it.

Go home to your parents.

I ain't got no parents.

There you are.

She ain't got no parents.

What's all the fuss?

Nobody wants her.

She's no use to anybody but me.

Take her upstairs.

But what's to become of her?

Is she to be paid anything?

Oh, do be sensible, sir.

What would she do with money?

She'll have food and clothes.

She'll only drink

if you give her money.

Oh, you are a brute. It's a lie.

Nobody ever saw

the sign of liquor on me.

Oh, sir, you're a gentleman.

Don't let him speak to me like that.

Does it occur to you, Higgins,

the girl has some feelings?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

No feelings we need worry about.

Well, have you, Eliza?

I got my feelings

same as anyone else.

Mr. Higgins, I must know

on what terms the girl is to be here.

What's to become of her

when you've finished your teaching?

You must look ahead a little, sir.

What's to become of her

if we leave her in the gutter?

- Answer me that, Mrs. Pearce.

- That's her own business, not yours.

When I'm done, we'll throw her back,

then it will be her own business again.

That will be all right, won't it?

You've no feeling heart in you.

You don't care for nothing

but yourself.

I've had enough of this.

I'm going, I am.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,

you ought.

Have some chocolates, Eliza.

How do I know

what might be in them?

I've heard of girls being drugged

by the likes of you.

Pledge of good faith.

I'll take one half

and you take the other.

You'll have boxes of them,

barrels of them every day.

You'll live on them, eh?

I wouldn't have ate it,

only I'm too ladylike

to take it out of my mouth.

Think of it, Eliza.

Think of chocolates

and taxis and gold and diamonds.

Ow! I don't want no gold

and no diamonds.

I'm a good girl, I am.

Higgins, I really must interfere.

Mrs. Pearce is quite right.

If this girl's gonna put herself

in your hands for six months

for an experiment in teaching,

she must understand thoroughly

what she's doing.

Mm.

Eliza, you are to stay here

for the next six months

learning how to speak beautifully,

like a lady in a florist shop.

If you're good

and do whatever you're told,

you shall sleep in a proper bedroom,

have lots to eat

and money to buy chocolates

and take rides in taxis.

But if you are naughty and idle,

you shall sleep in the back kitchen

amongst the black beetles

and be walloped by Mrs. Pearce

with a broomstick.

At the end of six months,

you shall be taken

to Buckingham Palace

in a carriage, beautifully dressed.

If the king finds out

that you're not a lady,

the police will take you

to the Tower of London

where your head will be cut off

as a warning

to other presumptuous flower girls.

But if you are not found out,

you shall have a present

of seven and six to start life with

as a lady in a shop.

If you refuse this offer,

you will be the most ungrateful,

wicked girl

and the angels will weep for you.

Now, are you satisfied, Pickering?

I don't understand

what you're talking about.

Oh, could I put it more plainly

or fairly, Mrs. Pearce?

Come with me, Eliza.

That's right, Mrs. Pearce.

Bundle her off to the bathroom.

You're a great bully, you are.

I won't stay here if I don't like it.

I won't let nobody wallop me.

Don't answer back, girl.

If I'd known what I was letting

myself in for, I wouldn't have come here.

I've always been a good girl,

I am, and I won't be put upon.

In six months--

In three if she has a good ear

and a quick tongue.

--I'll take her anywhere

and I'll pass her off as anything.

I'll make a queen

of that barbarous wretch.

I've never had a bath in my life.

Not what you'd call a proper one.

You know, you can't be a nice girl

inside if you're dirty outside.

I'll have to put you in here.

This will be your bedroom.

Oh, I couldn't sleep here, missus.

It's too good for the likes of me.

I should be afraid to touch anything.

I ain't a duchess yet, you know?

Oh, what's this?

This where you wash clothes?

This is where we wash

ourselves, Eliza.

And where I'm going to wash you.

You expect me to get into that

and wet myself all over?

Not me.

I shall catch my death.

Come along now.

Come along. Take your clothes off.

Come on, girl, do as you're told.

Take your clothes off.

- Here, come on, help me take these.

- Ow! No, I won't.

- Come out of that.

- No, I won't.

- Everyone.

- No!

I won't. Take your hands off me.

- No.

- Oh, dear.

No. Ow!

- No, I won't. Let go.

- Eliza, keep still.

- Take a bath.

- No!

No!

I'm a good girl, I am.

Well, they won't like the

smell of you if you don't have a bath.

It ain't right. It ain't decent.

Let go of my coat.

Take your hands off me.

Come here.

- No.

- I won't hurt you.

Let me go.

Take your hands off me.

I'm a good girl, I am.

Take your hands off me, you hear.

Eliza, I won't have it.

I wouldn't hurt you.

Higgins, forgive the bluntness,

but if I'm to be in this business,

I shall feel responsible for the girl.

I hope it's clearly understood

that no advantage

is to be taken of her position.

What, that thing?

Sacred, I assure you.

Come now, Higgins,

you know what I mean.

This is no trifling matter.

Are you a man of good character

where women are concerned?

Have you ever met a man

of good character

where women are concerned?

Yes, very frequently.

Well, I haven't.

I find the moment

I let a woman make friends with me,

she becomes jealous, exacting,

suspicious and a damned nuisance.

And I find the moment

that I make friends with a woman,

I become selfish and tyrannical.

So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor

and likely to remain so.

Well, after all, Pickering

I'm an ordinary man

Who desires nothing more

Than just an ordinary chance

To live exactly as he likes

And do precisely what he wants

An average man am I

Of no eccentric whim

Who likes to live his life

Free of strife

Doing whatever he thinks

Is best for him

Well, just an ordinary man

But let a woman in your life

And your serenity is through

She'll redecorate your home

From the cellar to the dome

Then go on to the enthralling fun

Of overhauling you

Let a woman in your life

And you're up against a wall

Make a plan and you will find

She has something else in mind

And so rather than do either

You do something else

That neither likes at all

You want to talk of Keats or Milton

She only wants to talk of love

You go to see a play or ballet

And spend it searching for her glove

Let a woman in your life

And you invite eternal strife

Let them buy their wedding bands

For those anxious little hands

I'd be equally as willing

For a dentist to be drilling

Than to ever let a woman in my life

I'm a very gentle man

Even-tempered and good-natured

Who you never hear complain

Who has the milk of human kindness

By the quart in every vein

A patient man am I

Down to my fingertips

The sort who never could

Ever would

Let an insulting remark escape his lips

A very gentle man

But let a woman in your life

And patience hasn't got a chance

She will beg you for advice

Your reply will be concise

And she'll listen very nicely

Then go out

And do precisely what she wants

You are a man of grace and polish

Who never spoke above a hush

Now all at once you're using language

That would make a sailor blush

Let a woman in your life

And you're plunging in a knife

Let the others of my sex

Tie the knot around their necks

I'd prefer a new edition

Of the Spanish Inquisition

Than to ever let a woman in my life

I'm a quiet-living man

Who prefers to spend the evenings

In the silence of his room

Who likes an atmosphere as restful

As an undiscovered tomb

A pensive man am I

Of philosophic joys

Who likes to meditate, contemplate

Free from humanity's mad

Inhuman noise

A quiet living man

But let a woman in your life

And your sabbatical is through

In a line that never ends

Come an army of her friends

Come to jabber and to chatter

And to tell her what the matter

Is with you

She'll have a booming

Boisterous family

Who will descend

On you en masse

She'll have a large Wagnerian mother

With a voice that shatters glass

Let a woman in your life

I shall never let a woman in my life

Get out of here.

The two of you get out too.

Come on, Doolittle.

And remember,

drinks are to be paid for or not drunk.

Thanks for your hospitality, George.

Send the bill to Buckingham Palace.

Come on.

Well, Alfie, there's nothing else to do.

I guess it's back to work.

What?

Don't you dare mention

that word in my presence again.

Look at all these poor blighters

down here.

I used to do that sort of thing once,

just for exercise.

It's not worth it.

Takes up your whole day.

Oh, don't worry, boys.

We'll get out of this somehow.

How do you think

you're going to do that, Alfie?

How? Same as always.

Faith, hope and a little bit of luck.

The Lord above gave man

An arm of iron

So he could do his job

And never shirk

The Lord above gave man

An arm of iron but

With a little bit of luck

Someone else'll do

The blinkin' work

With a little bit

With a little bit of luck

You'll never work

The Lord above made liquor

For temptation

To see if man could turn away

From sin

The Lord above made liquor

For temptation but

With a little bit of luck

When temptation comes

You'll give right in

With a little bit

With a little bit of luck

You'll give right in

Oh, you can walk

The straight and narrow

But with a little bit of luck

You'll run amuck

The gentle sex

Was made for man to marry

To share his nest

And see his food is cooked

The gentle sex

Was made for man to marry but

With a little bit of luck

You can have it all

And not get hooked

With a little bit

With a little bit of luck

You won't get hooked

With a little bit

With a little bit of bloomin' luck

They're always throwin'

Goodness at you

But with a little bit of luck

A man can duck

The Lord above made man

To help his neighbor

No matter where

On land, or sea, or foam

The Lord above made man

To help his neighbor but

With a little bit of luck

When he comes around

You won't be home

With a little bit

With a little bit of luck

You won't be home

With a little bit

With a little bit of bloomin' luck

You make a good suffragette, Alfie.

Oh, get along with you.

Why, there's the lucky man now.

The Honorable Alfie Doolittle.

What are you doing in Eliza's house?

Her former residence.

You can buy your own drinks now,

Alfie Doolittle.

Fallen into a tub of butter, you have.

- What are you talking about?

- Your daughter, Eliza.

You're a lucky man, Alfie Doolittle.

Well, what about Eliza?

Oh! He don't know.

Her own father and he don't know.

Moved in with a swell, Eliza has.

Left here in a taxi all by herself,

smart as paint.

- And ain't been home for three days.

- Go on.

Then this morning,

I get a message from her.

She wants her things sent over.

To 27A Wimpole Street,

care of Professor Higgins.

- And what things does she want?

- What?

Her birdcage and her Chinese fan.

"But," she says,

"never mind about

sending any clothes."

I knew she had a career

in front of her.

Harry boy,

we're in for a booze-up.

The sun is shining

on Alfred P. Doolittle.

A man was made

To help support his children

Which is the right

And proper thing to do

A man was made

To help support his children but

With a little bit of luck

They'll go out

And start supporting you

With a little bit

With a little bit of luck

They'll work for you

With a little bit

With a little bit of bloomin' luck

Oh, it's a crime

For man to go philanderin'

And fill his wife's poor heart

With grief and doubt

Oh, it's a crime

For a man to go philanderin' but

With a little bit of luck

You can see

The bloodhound don't find out

With a little bit

With a little bit of luck

She won't find out

- Charlie, over here.

- With a little bit

With a little bit

With a little bit of bloomin' luck

The mail, sir.

Pay the bills

and say no to the invitations.

A.

A!

You simply cannot go on

working the girl this way.

Making her say her alphabet

over and over

from sunup to sundown,

even during meals.

You'll exhaust yourself.

When will it stop?

When she does it properly,

of course.

Is that all, Mrs. Pearce?

There's another letter

from that American millionaire,

Ezra D. Wallingford.

He still wants you to lecture

for his Moral Reform League.

Yes, well, throw it away.

It's the third letter

he's written you, sir.

- You should at least answer it.

- All right.

Leave it on the desk, Mrs. Pearce.

I'll try and get to it.

If you please, sir,

there's a dustman downstairs,

Alfred P. Doolittle,

who wants to see you.

He says you have his daughter here.

I say.

Well, send the blackguard up.

He may not be a blackguard, Higgins.

Nonsense. Of course

he's a blackguard, Pickering.

Whether he is or not, I'm afraid

we'll have some trouble with him.

No, I think not.

Any trouble to be had,

he'll have it with me, not I with him.

Doolittle, sir.

Professor Higgins?

Here.

Where?

Oh, good morning, governor.

I come about

a very serious matter, governor.

Brought up in Hounslow.

Mother Welsh, I should think.

What is it you want, Doolittle?

I want my daughter,

that's what I want, you see?

Well, of course you do.

You're her father, aren't you?

I'm glad to see you have

a spark of family feeling left.

She's in there.

Yes, take her away at once.

What?

Take her away.

Do you think I am going

to keep your daughter for you?

Now, is this reasonable, governor?

Is it fairity to take advantage

of a man like that?

The girl belongs to me. You got her.

Where do I come in?

How dare you come here

and attempt to blackmail me.

You sent her here on purpose.

Now, don't take a man

up like that, governor.

The police shall take you up.

This is a plan, a plot

to extort money by threats.

I shall telephone the police.

Have I asked you

for a brass farthing?

I'll leave it to this gentleman here.

Have I said a word about money?

What else did you come for?

Well...

What would a bloke come for?

Be human, governor.

Alfred, you sent her here

on purpose.

So help me, governor, I never did.

Then how did you know

she was here?

I'd tell you, governor,

if you'd only let me get a word in.

I'm willing to tell you.

I'm wanting to tell you.

I'm waiting to tell you.

You know, Pickering,

this chap's got

a certain natural gift of rhetoric.

Observe the rhythm

of his native woodnotes wild.

"I'm willing to tell you.

I'm wanting to tell you.

I'm waiting to tell you."

That's the Welsh strain in him.

How did you know Eliza was here

if you didn't send her?

Well, she sent back for her luggage

and I got to hear about it.

She said she didn't want no clothes.

What was I to think from that,

governor?

I ask you, as a parent,

what was I to think?

So you came here to rescue her

from worse than death, eh?

Just so, governor, that's right.

Yes.

Mrs. Pearce.

Mrs. Pearce, Eliza's father

has come to take her away.

Give her to him, will you?

Now, wait a minute, governor,

wait a minute.

You and me is men of the world,

ain't we?

Oh, men of the world, are we?

- Yes, you better go, Mrs. Pearce.

- I think so indeed, sir.

Here, governor.

I've took a sort of a fancy

to you and--

If you want the girl, well, I ain't so set

on having her back home again,

but what I might be

open to is an arrangement.

All I ask is my rights as a father.

You're the last man alive

to expect me to let her go for nothing.

Oh, I can see you're one

of the straight sort, governor.

So, what's a 5-pound note to you?

And what's Eliza to me?

I think you ought to know, Doolittle,

that Mr. Higgins' intentions

are entirely honorable.

Of course they are, governor.

If I thought they wasn't, I'd ask 50.

Do you mean to say you'd sell

your daughter for 50 pounds?

Have you no morals, man?

No, no,

I can't afford them, governor.

Neither could you

if you was as poor as me.

Not that I mean any harm,

mind you.

But if Eliza is gonna have

a bit out of this,

why not me too, eh?

Why not?

Well, look at it my way.

What am I? I ask you, what am I?

I'm one of the undeserving poor,

that's what I am.

Now, think

what that means to a man.

It means he's up against

middle-class morality for all of time.

If there's anything going

and I puts in for a bit of it,

it's always the same story.

"You're undeserving

so you can't have it."

But my needs is as great

as the most deserving widows

that ever got money out

of six different charities in one week

for the death of the same husband.

I don't need less than

a deserving man, I need more.

I don't eat less hearty than he does.

And I drink, oh, a lot more.

I'm playing straight with you.

I ain't pretending to be deserving.

No, I'm undeserving.

And I mean to go on

being undeserving.

I like it, and that's the truth.

But will you take advantage

of a man's nature

to do him out of the price

of his own daughter,

what he's brought up, fed and clothed

by the sweat of his brow

till she's growed big enough

to be interesting

to you two gentlemen?

Well, is 5 pounds unreasonable?

I put it to you.

And I leave it to you.

You know, Pickering, if we took

this man in hand for three months,

he could choose

between a seat in the cabinet

and a popular pulpit in Wales.

We'd better give him a fiver.

He'll make bad use of it, I'm afraid.

Oh, not me, governor.

So help me, I won't.

Just one good spree

for myself and the missus.

Giving pleasure to ourselves

and employment to others.

And satisfaction to you to know

it ain't been thrown away.

You couldn't spend it better.

Oh, this is irresistible.

Let's give him 10.

No, the missus wouldn't have the heart

to spend 10, governor.

Ten pounds is a lot of money.

Makes a man feel prudent-like,

and then goodbye to happiness.

No, you give me what I ask, governor.

Not a penny less, not a penny more.

I rather draw the line at encouraging

this sort of immorality, Doolittle.

Why don't you marry

that missus of yours, eh?

After all, marriage isn't so frightening.

You married Eliza's mother.

Who told you that, governor?

Well, nobody told me.

I concluded, naturally.

If we listen to this man

for another minute,

we shall have no convictions left.

- Five pounds, I think you said.

- Thank you, governor, thank you.

Are you sure you won't have 10?

- No, no, perhaps another time.

- I won't, I won't, I won't.

I beg your pardon, miss.

I won't say those ruddy vowels

one more time.

Blimey, it's Eliza.

Well, I never thought

she'd clean up so good-looking.

She does me credit,

don't she, governor?

Here, what you doing here?

Now, now, you hold your tongue.

And don't you give these gentlemen

none of your lip.

If you have any trouble

with her, governor,

give her a few licks of the strap.

That's the way to improve her mind.

Well, good morning, gentlemen.

- Cheerio, Eliza.

- Mah!

There's a man for you.

A philosophical genius

of the first water.

Mrs. Pearce,

write to Mr. Ezra Wallingford

and tell him if he wants a lecturer

to get in touch

with Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle,

a common dustman, one of the most

original moralists in England.

Yes, sir.

Here, what did he come for?

Say your vowels.

I know my vowels.

I knew them before I come.

If you know them, say them.

A, E, I, O, U.

Stop.

A, E, I, O, U.

That's what said, A, E, I, O, U.

That's what I been saying

for three days

and I won't say them no more.

I know it's difficult, Miss Doolittle,

but try to understand.

There's no use explaining, Pickering.

As a military man, you know that.

Drilling is what she needs.

Now, leave her alone or she'll be

turning to you for sympathy.

Very well, if you insist, but have

a little patience with her, Higgins.

Of course.

Now say "A."

You ain't got no heart, you ain't.

- A.

Eliza.

I promise you, you'll say your vowels

correctly before this day is out

or there'll be no lunch, no dinner

and no chocolates.

Just you wait, Henry Higgins

Just you wait

You'll be sorry

But your tears will be too late

You'll be broke

And I'll have money

Will I help you?

Don't be funny

Just you wait, Henry Higgins

Just you wait

Just you wait, Henry Higgins,

Till you're sick

And you screams

To fetch a doctor double-quick

I'll be off a second later

And go straight to the theater

Ho, ho, ho, Henry Higgins

Just you wait

Ooh, Henry Higgins

Just you wait

Until we're swimmin' in the sea

Ooh, Henry Higgins

And you gets a cramp

A little ways from me

When you yell you're gonna drown

I'll get dressed and go to town

Ho, ho, ho, Henry Higgins

Just you wait

One day I'll be famous

I'll be proper and prim

Go to St. James so often

I will call it St. Jim

One evening the king will say:

"Oh, Liza, old thing

I want all of England

Your praises to sing"

Next week on the 20th of May

I proclaim Liza Doolittle Day

All the people will celebrate

The glory of you

And whatever you wish and want

I gladly will do

"Thanks a lot, king," says I

In a manner well-bred

"But all I want is Henry Higgins' head"

- Done

- Says the king with a stroke

Guard, run and bring in the bloke

Then they'll march you, Henry Higgins

To the wall

- And the king will tell me:

- Liza, sound the call

As they raise their rifles higher

I'll shout, "Ready, aim, fire"

Ho, ho, ho, Henry Higgins

Down you'll go, Henry Higgins

Just you wait

A.

All right, Eliza, say it again.

"The rain

in Spain stays mainly in the plain."

The rain in Spain

stays mainly in the plain.

Didn't I say that?

No, Eliza, you didn't "say" that.

You didn't even say that.

Every night before you get into bed,

where you used to say your prayers,

I want you to say, "The rain in Spain

stays mainly in the plain,"

50 times.

You'll get much further with the Lord

if you learn not to offend his ears.

Now for your H's.

Pickering, this is going to be ghastly.

Control yourself, Higgins.

Give the girl a chance.

Oh, well, I suppose you can't

expect her to get it right the first time.

Come here, Eliza, and watch closely.

Now.

You see that flame?

Every time you pronounce

the letter H correctly,

the flame will waver.

And every time you drop your H,

the flame will remain stationary.

That's how you'll know

if you've done it correctly.

In time, your ear will hear

the difference.

See it better in the mirror.

Now, listen carefully.

In Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire,

hurricanes hardly ever happen.

Now, repeat that after me.

In Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire

hurricanes hardly ever happen.

"In Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire,

hurricanes hardly ever happen."

Oh, no, no, no.

Have you no ear at all?

- Should I do it over?

- No, please.

Start from the very beginning.

Just do this.

Go: Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Go on, go on, go on.

Ha, ha, ha.

Does the same thing hold true

in India, Pickering?

Is it truly a habit to them,

their dropping a letter like the letter H,

using it where it doesn't belong,

like "hever" instead of "ever"?

Why is it that Slavs,

when they learn English,

have a tendency to do it with G's?

- They say "linger" instead of "linger."

- Ha, ha, ha.

And then they turn right around

and say "singer" instead of "singer."

I've noticed the Slavs using it

where it isn't needed,

they learn English,

they have to do it with their G's.

The girl, Higgins.

Go on, go on, go on.

- Go on.

- Ha, ha, ha.

Poor Professor Higgins

Night and day

He slaves away

Oh, poor Professor Higgins

All day long

On his feet

Up and down until he's numb

Doesn't rest

Doesn't eat

Doesn't touch a crumb

Again, Eliza.

How kind of you to let me come.

No, kind of you. Kind of you.

Kind.

How kind of you to let me come.

- How kind of you to let me come.

- No, no.

Kind of you. Kind of you.

It's like "cup of tea," kind of you.

Cup of tea. Say "cup of tea."

- Cup of tea.

- No, no.

A cup of tea.

It's awfully good cake, this.

I wonder where Mrs. Pearce gets it.

Mm. First rate.

And those strawberry tarts

are delicious.

Did you try the plain cake?

Try it again.

- Did you try the--?

- Pickering!

Again, Eliza.

Cup of tea.

Oh, no.

Can't you hear the difference?

Look, put your tongue forward

until it squeezes on the top

of your lower teeth.

- And then say "cup."

- Cup.

- Then say "of."

- Of.

Then say, "cup, cup, cup, of, of, of."

- Cup, cup, cup, of, of, of.

Cup, cup-- Of, of--

By Jove, Higgins,

that was a glorious tea.

Why don't you finish

that last strawberry tart?

- I couldn't eat another thing.

- Oh, I couldn't touch it.

- Shame to waste it.

- Oh, it won't be wasted.

I know somebody who's immensely

fond of strawberry tarts.

Ow!

Poor Professor Higgins

On he plods

Against all odds

Oh, poor Professor Higgins

Nine p.m.

Ten p.m.

On through midnight every night

One a.m.

Two a.m.

Three

Four.

Five.

Six marbles.

Now, I want you to read this

and I want you to enunciate every word

just as if the marbles

were not in your mouth.

With blackest moss the flower-pots

Were thickly crusted, one and all

Each word clear as a bell.

With blackest moss the flower-pots...

I can't. I can't.

I say, Higgins,

are those pebbles really necessary?

If they were necessary

for Demosthenes,

they are necessary

for Eliza Doolittle.

Go on, Eliza.

With blackest moss the flower-pots

Were thickly crusted, one and all

I can't understand a word,

not a word.

With blackest moss the flower-pots

Were thickly crusted, one and all

Higgins, perhaps that

poem is a little too difficult for the girl.

Why don't you try something simpler,

like "The Owl and the Pussycat?"

Oh, yes, that's a charming one.

Well, Pickering,

I can't hear a word the girl is saying.

What's the matter?

I swallowed one.

Oh, it doesn't matter, I got plenty more.

Open your mouth.

One, two.

Quit, Professor Higgins

Hear our plea

Or payday we will quit

Professor Higgins

"A" not "I"

"O" not "ow"

Pounding, pounding in our brain

"A" not "I"

"O" not "ow"

Don't say "rine," say "rain"

The rain in Spain

stays mainly in the plain.

I can't. I'm so tired.

I'm so tired.

For God's sake, Higgins,

it must be 3:00 in the morning.

Do be reasonable.

I am always reasonable.

Eliza,

if I can go on

with a blistering headache, you can.

I got a headache too.

Oh, here.

I know your head aches.

I know you're tired.

I know your nerves are as raw

as meat in a butcher's window.

But think what you're trying

to accomplish.

Just think what you're dealing with.

The majesty and grandeur

of the English language,

it's the greatest possession we have.

The noblest thoughts that ever flowed

through the hearts of men

are contained

in its extraordinary, imaginative

and musical mixtures of sounds.

And that's what you've set yourself out

to conquer, Eliza.

And conquer it you will.

Now, try it again.

The rain in Spain

stays mainly in the plain.

What was that?

The rain in Spain

stays mainly in the plain.

Again.

The rain in Spain

stays mainly in the plain.

I think she's got it.

The rain in Spain

Stays mainly in the plain

By George, she's got it

Now once again

Where does it rain?

On the plain

And where's that soggy plain?

In Spain

The rain in Spain

Stays mainly in the plain

Bravo!

The rain in Spain

Stays mainly in the plain

In Hartford, Hereford

And Hampshire

Hurricanes hardly happen

How kind of you to let me come

Now, once again

Where does it rain?

On the plain

And where's that blasted plain?

In Spain

The rain in Spain

Stays mainly in the plain

The rain in Spain

Stays mainly in the plain

Pickering. Pickering. Olé. Olé.

Olé!

Hey, Pickering.

Ho! Hey!

Olé!

Oh, dear.

We're making

fine progress, Pickering.

I think the time has come

to try her out.

- Are you feeling all right, Mr. Higgins?

- Yes, I'm feeling fine, Mrs. Pearce.

- How are you?

- Very well, sir, thank you.

Let's test her in public

and see how she fares.

Mr. Higgins, I was awakened

by a dreadful pounding.

Do you know

what it might have been?

Pounding?

I didn't hear any pounding.

- You do, Pickering?

- No.

You know, if this goes on,

Mrs. Pearce, you'd better see a doctor.

- I know. We'll take her to the races.

- The races?

- My mother's box at Ascot.

- You'll consult your mother first?

Oh, yes, of course.

No, I think I should better surprise her.

Now let's go to bed.

First thing in the morning,

we'll go out and we'll buy her a dress.

Now get on with your work, Eliza.

But, Mr. Higgins,

it's early in the morning.

What better time to work

than early in the morning?

- Where does one buy a lady's gown?

- Whitley's, of course.

- How do you know that?

- Common knowledge.

Let's not buy her

anything too flowery.

I despise those gowns with

sort of weeds here and weeds there.

I wanna buy something

sort of simple and modest and elegant,

is what's called for.

Perhaps with a bow.

Yes, I think that's just right.

You've all been working

much too hard.

I think the strain

is beginning to show.

Eliza, I don't care

what Mr. Higgins says,

you must put down your books

and go to bed.

Bed, bed

I couldn't go to bed

My head's too light

To try to set it down

Sleep, sleep

I couldn't sleep tonight

Not for all the jewels in the crown

I could have danced all night

And still have begged for more

I could have spread my wings

And done a thousand things

I've never done before

I'll never know

What made it so exciting

Why all at once

My heart took flight

I only know when he

Began to dance with me

I could have danced

Danced, danced

All night

It's after 3 now

Don't you agree now

- She ought to be in bed

- I could have danced

- You're tired out

- All night

- You must be dead

- I could have danced

- Your face is drawn

- All night

- Your eyes are red

- And still have

- Now say good night, please

- Begged for more

- Turn out the light, please

It's really time for you to be in bed

- I could have spread

- Do come along

- My wings

- Do as you're told

- And done a thousand things

- Or Mrs. Pearce is apt to scold

- I've never

- You're up too late, miss

- Done before

- And sure as fate, miss

You'll catch a cold

I'll never know

What made it so exciting

Why all at once

My heart took flight

- I only know

- Put down your book

- When he

- The work will keep

- Began to dance

- Now settle down

- With me

- And go to sleep

I could have danced

Danced, danced

All night

I understand, dear

It's all been grand, dear

But now it's time to sleep

I could have danced all night

And still have begged for more

I could have spread my wings

And done a thousand things

I've never done before

I'll never know

What made it so exciting

Why all at once

My heart took flight

I only know when he

Began to dance with me

I could have danced

Danced, danced

All night

Every duke and earl

And peer is here

Everyone who should be here

Is here

What a smashing

Positively dashing spectacle

The Ascot opening day

At the gate are all the horses

Waiting for the cue to fly away

What a gripping, absolutely ripping

Moment at the Ascot opening day

Pulses rushing

Faces flushing

Heartbeats speed up

I have never been so keyed up

Any second now

They'll begin to run

Hark, a bell is ringing

They are springing forward

Look!

It has begun

What a frenzied moment that was

Didn't they maintain

An exhausting pace?

'Twas a thrilling, absolutely chilling

Running of the Ascot opening race

Oh, no. No, it's true.

- This is the time.

- Yeah.

Yes.

- Yes.

- My daughter's...

They've had enough time.

What did you think of the race?

Mother.

Henry. What a disagreeable surprise.

Hello, Mother.

- How nice you look.

- What are you doing here?

You promised never to come to Ascot.

Go home at once.

- I can't, I'm here on business.

- No, Henry, you must.

Now, I'm quite serious.

You offend all my friends.

The moment they meet you,

I never see them again.

Besides, you aren't dressed

for Ascot.

I changed my shirt.

Now, listen, Mother,

I've got a job for you, a phonetics job.

- I've picked up a girl.

- Henry.

Oh, no, darling, not a love affair.

She's a flower girl.

I'm taking her

to the annual Embassy Ball.

- But I want to try her out first.

- I beg your pardon?

- Well, you know the Embassy Ball.

- Of course, I know the ball, but--

So I invited her to your box today,

do you understand?

- Common flower girl?

- She'll be all right.

I taught her how to speak properly.

She has strict instructions

as to her behavior.

She is to keep to two subjects.

The weather and everybody's health.

"Fine day" and "How do you do?"

Not to let herself go

on things in general.

Help her along, darling.

You'll be quite safe.

Safe? To talk about one's health

in the middle of a race?

Well, she's got to talk

about something.

- Where is the girl now?

- She's being pinned.

Some of the clothes we bought her

didn't quite fit.

I told Pickering

we should have taken her with us.

Thank goodness you're here.

- Mrs. Eynsford-Hill.

- Good afternoon, Mrs. Higgins.

You know my son, Henry.

Oh, how do you do?

- I've seen you somewhere before.

- I don't know.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

You better sit down.

- Lady Boxington.

- Where the devil can they be?

- Lord Boxington.

- Ha!

Colonel Pickering,

you're just in time for tea.

Thank you, Mrs. Higgins.

May I introduce Miss Eliza Doolittle?

My dear, Miss Doolittle.

How kind of you to let me come.

Delighted, my dear.

Lady Boxington.

- How do you do?

Lord Boxington.

- How do you do?

Mrs. Eynsford-Hill, Miss Doolittle.

- How do you do?

And Freddy Eynsford-Hill.

How do you do?

Miss Doolittle.

Good afternoon, Professor Higgins.

The first race was very exciting,

Miss Doolittle.

I'm so sorry that you missed it.

Will it rain, do you think?

The rain in Spain

stays mainly in the plain.

But in Hartford, Hereford

and Hampshire,

hurricanes hardly ever happen.

How awfully funny.

What is wrong with that, young man?

I bet I got it right.

Smashing.

Hasn't it suddenly turned chilly?

I do hope we won't have

any unseasonable cold spells.

They bring on so much influenza.

And the whole of our family

is susceptible to it.

My aunt died of influenza.

So they said.

But it's my belief

they done the old woman in.

Done her in?

Yes, Lord love you.

Why should she die of influenza

when she come through diphtheria

right enough the year before?

Fairly blue with it, she was.

They all thought she was dead.

But my father, he kept ladling gin

down her throat.

Then she come to so sudden,

she bit the bowl off the spoon.

Dear me.

Now, what call would a woman

with that strength in her

have to die of influenza?

What become of her new straw hat

that should have come to me?

Somebody pinched it.

And what I say is,

them that's pinched it done her in.

Done her in?

Done her in, did you say?

Whatever does it mean?

Oh, that's the new small talk.

To do somebody in means

to kill them.

But you surely don't believe

your aunt was killed?

Do I not?

Them she lived with would have

killed her for a hatpin, let alone a hat.

But it can't have been right

for your father

to pour spirits down her throat

like that.

It might have killed her.

Not her.

Gin was mother's milk to her.

Besides, he poured so much down

his own throat,

he knew the good of it.

Do you mean that he drank?

Drank, my word, something chronic.

Here, what are you sniggering at?

It's the new small talk.

You do it so awfully well.

Well, if I was doing it proper,

what was you sniggering at?

Have I said anything I oughtn't?

Oh, no.

Not at all, my dear.

Well, lots of mercy, anyhow.

What I always say--

I don't know whether there's time

before the next race to place a bet.

- But come, my dear.

- I don't suppose so.

I have a bet on Number 7.

I should be so happy

if you would take it.

You'll enjoy the race

ever so much more.

That's very kind of you.

- His name is Dover.

- Come along, my dear.

There they are again

Lining up to run

Now they're holding steady

They are ready for it

Look, it has begun

Come on.

Come on, Dover. Come on.

Come on, Dover.

Come on.

Come on, Dover!

Move your blooming ass!

- Don't upset yourself, my dear.

- Please.

Oh, my dear.

You're not serious, Henry.

You don't expect to take her

to the Embassy Ball?

Don't you think she's ready for it?

Dear, Henry,

she's ready for a canal barge.

Well, her language may need

a little refining, but--

Oh, really, Henry.

If you cannot see how impossible

this whole project is,

then you must be absolutely potty

about her.

I advise you to give it up and not put

yourself and this girl through more.

Give it up? It's the most fascinating

venture I've ever undertaken.

Pickering and I are at it from morning

till night. It fills our whole lives.

Teaching Eliza, talking to Eliza,

listening to Eliza, dressing Eliza.

What?

You're a pretty pair of babies

playing with your live doll.

Here's the car.

I say, sir...

Good evening, sir.

Dinner ready? I'm famished.

Immediately, sir.

Good evening, Professor Higgins.

When she mentioned

How her aunt bit off the spoon

She completely done me in

And my heart went on a journey

To the moon

When she told about her father

And the gin

And I never saw

A more enchanting farce

Than the moment when she shouted:

"Move your blooming--"

- Yes, sir?

- Is Miss Doolittle in?

- Whom shall I say is calling?

- Freddy Eynsford-Hill.

Oh, if she doesn't remember

who I am,

tell her I'm the chap

who was sniggering at her.

Yes, sir.

- And will you give her these?

- Yes, sir.

Wouldn't you like to come in?

They're having dinner,

but you may wait.

No. No, thank you. I want to

drink in the street where she lives.

Yes, sir.

I have often walked

Down this street before

But the pavement always stayed

Beneath my feet before

All at once am I

Several stories high

Knowing I'm on the street

Where you live

Are there lilac trees

In the heart of town?

Can you hear a lark

In any other part of town?

Does enchantment pour

Out of every door?

No, it's just on the street

Where you live

And, oh, the towering feeling

Just to know somehow you are near

The overpowering feeling

That any second

You may suddenly appear

People stop and stare

They don't bother me

For there's nowhere else on earth

That I would rather be

Let the time go by

I won't care if I can be here

On the street where you live

Oh, sir.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Miss Doolittle says she doesn't

want to see anyone ever again.

- But why? She was unbelievable.

- So I've been told, sir.

Is there any further message?

Yes. Tell her that I'll wait.

Oh, but it might be days, sir,

even weeks.

But don't you see?

I'll be happier here.

People stop and stare

They don't bother me

For there's nowhere else on earth

That I would rather be

Let the time go by

I won't care if I can be here

On the street where you live

It really is, Higgins.

It's inhuman to continue.

You realize what you've got

to teach this poor girl in six weeks?

Teach her to walk, talk,

address a duke, a lord,

a bishop, an ambassador.

It's absolutely impossible.

Higgins, I'm trying to tell you

that I want to call off the bet.

I know you're a stubborn man,

but so am I.

This experiment is over.

And nothing

short of an order from the king

could force me to recant.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

You understand, Higgins, it's over.

Higgins.

Higgins, if there's any mishap

at the embassy tonight,

if Miss Doolittle suffers

any embarrassment whatever,

it'll be on your head alone.

Eliza can do anything.

Suppose she's discovered?

Remember Ascot.

Suppose she makes

another ghastly mistake?

There will be no horses

at the ball, Pickering.

Think how agonizing it would be.

Oh, if anything happened tonight,

I don't know what I'd do.

You could always

rejoin your regiment.

This is no time for flippancy,

Higgins.

The way you've driven the girl

the last six weeks

has exceeded

all bounds of common decency.

For God's sake,

stop pacing up and down.

Can't you settle somewhere?

Have some port.

It'll quieten your nerves.

I'm not nervous.

- Where is it?

- On the piano.

- The car is here, sir.

- Oh, good.

- Tell Miss Doolittle.

- Yes.

Tell Miss Doolittle indeed. I bet you

that damned gown doesn't fit.

I warned you

about these French designers.

We should've gone to an English shop,

everyone would've been on our side.

- Have a glass of port?

- No, thank you.

Are you so sure this girl will retain

everything you've hammered into her?

Well, we shall see.

Suppose she doesn't?

I lose my bet.

Higgins, there's one thing

I can't stand about you,

that's your

confounded complacency.

At a moment like this,

with so much at stake,

it's utterly indecent

that you don't need a glass of port.

And what about the girl? You act

as though she doesn't matter at all.

Oh, rubbish, Pickering.

Of course she matters.

What do you think

I've been doing all these months?

What could possibly matter more

than to take a human being

and change her

into a different human being

by creating a new speech for her?

It's filling up the deepest gap

that separates class from class

and soul from soul.

No, she matters immensely.

Miss Doolittle, you look beautiful.

Thank you, Colonel Pickering.

Don't you think so, Higgins?

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Mr. and Mrs. Hugh Deuvile.

Major General the right honorable

Sir James Clarence.

Marquis and Marquise of Glenning.

Lady Suzanna De Longly.

Sir Albert and Lady Derring.

Honorable Mr. Archibald

and Lady Catherine Herring.

Maestro. Maestro.

- Don't you remember me?

- No. Who the devil are you?

I'm your pupil.

Your first, your greatest,

your best pupil.

I'm Zoltan Karpathy,

that marvelous boy.

Oh.

I made your name

famous throughout Europe.

You teach me phonetics,

you cannot forget me.

Why don't you have your hair cut?

I don't have

your imposing appearance,

your figure, your brow.

If I had my hair cut,

nobody would notice me.

Where did you get

all these old coins?

These are decorations

for language.

The queen of Transylvania

is here this evening.

I'm indispensable to her

at these official international parties.

I speak 32 languages,

I know everyone in Europe.

No impostor

can escape my detection.

Professor Karpathy.

The Greek ambassador.

Greek my foot.

He pretends not to know any English,

but he cannot deceive me.

He's the son

of a Yorkshire watchmaker.

He speaks English so villainously

that he cannot utter a word

without betraying his origin.

I help him pretend,

but I make him pay through the nose.

I make them all pay.

Excuse me, sir,

you are wanted upstairs.

- Her Excellency asked for you.

- Oh, excuse me.

Viscount and Viscountess Saxon.

Baron and Baroness of Yorkshire.

Sir Guy and Lady Skot Ackland.

The Count and Countess Demerau.

The Viscount

and Viscountess Hillyard.

Mr. and Mrs. Richard Lanser.

Lord and Lady Clanders.

Miss Eliza Doolittle,

Colonel Pickering.

Miss Eliza Doolittle,

Colonel Pickering.

- Professor Higgins.

- Good evening, Miss Doolittle.

Your Excellency.

- Miss Doolittle.

- How do you do?

- Good evening, colonel.

- Good evening.

- Oh, colonel.

- What?

What an enchanting young

lady you have with you this evening.

Thank you.

- Well, who is she?

Oh, a cousin of mine. And Higgins.

Excuse me.

Professor Higgins.

Such a faraway look

as if she's always lived in a garden.

So she has, a sort of garden.

Is that her son?

I don't believe in...

I shall die.

Henry must take Eliza home at once.

There's a language expert here.

Sort of, you know,

sort of impostorologist.

I beg your pardon.

The young lady

with Colonel Pickering.

Find out who she is.

With pleasure.

The whole situation

is highly explosive.

We heard on the best authority.

Tell me, Zoltan, some more

about the Greek ambassador.

Gladly, but first I would love you

to present me to this glorious creature.

Does he really come

from Yorkshire?

Her Majesty,

the queen of Transylvania

and his Royal Highness,

Prince Gregor.

Charming. Quite charming.

Miss Doolittle, ma'am.

Such a charming girl.

We'll know

when we hear her announced.

That's a beautiful ball gown.

Is that her son?

Miss Doolittle,

my son would like to dance with you.

Eliza?

Absolutely fantastic.

A lot of tomfoolery.

It was an immense achievement.

Well, Mr. Higgins?

A triumph, Mrs. Pearce.

A total triumph.

Higgins, you were superb.

Absolutely superb.

Tell us the truth now, weren't

you a bit nervous once or twice?

- Not for a second.

- Not during the whole evening?

I saw we were gonna win

hands down.

I felt like a bear in a cage

with nothing to do.

It was an immense achievement.

If I hadn't backed myself to do it,

I'd have given it up two months ago.

- Absolutely fantastic.

- A lot of tomfoolery.

Higgins, I salute you.

Oh, silly people don't know

their own silly business.

Tonight, old man, you did it

You did it, you did it

You said that you would do it

And indeed you did

I thought that you would rue it

I doubted you'd do it

But now I must admit it

That succeed you did

You should get a medal

Or be even made a knight

Oh, it was nothing

Really nothing

All alone you hurdled

Every obstacle in sight

Now wait

Give credit where it's due

A lot of the glory goes to you

But you're the one who did it

Who did it, who did it

As sturdy as Gibraltar

Not a second did you falter

There's no doubt about it

You did it

I must have aged a year tonight

At times I thought I'd die of fright

Never was there a momentary lull

Shortly after we came in

I saw at once we'd easily win

And after that, I found it deadly dull

You should have heard

The "oohs" and "ahs"

Everyone wondering who she was

You'd think they'd never seen

A lady before

And when the prince of Transylvania

Asked to meet her

And gave his arm

To lead her to the floor

I said to him

You did it, you did it, you did it

They thought she was ecstatic

And so damned aristocratic

And they never knew that you did it

Thank goodness

for Zoltan Karpathy.

If it hadn't been for him,

I would've died of boredom.

Karpathy? That dreadful Hungarian?

Was he there?

Yes, he was there, all right,

and up to his old tricks.

That blackguard

Who uses the science of speech

More to blackmail and swindle

Than teach

He made it

The devilish business of his

To find out who this Miss Doolittle is

Every time we looked around

There he was

That hairy hound from Budapest

Never leaving us alone

Never have I ever known

A ruder pest

Finally I decided it was foolish

Not to let him have

His chance with her

So I stepped aside

And let him dance with her

Oozing charm from every pore

He oiled his way around the floor

Every trick that he could play

He used to strip her mask away

And when at last

The dance was done

He glowed as if he knew he'd won

And with a voice too eager

And a smile too broad

He announced to the hostess

That she was a fraud

No.

"Her English is too good," he said

That clearly indicates

That she is foreign

Whereas others are instructed

In their native language

English people aren't

And although she may have studied

With an expert dialectician

And grammarian

I can tell

That she was a born Hungarian

Not only Hungarian

But of royal blood

She is a princess

"Her blood," he said, "is bluer

Than the Danube is or ever was

Royalty is absolutely written

On her face

She thought that I was taken in

But actually I never was

How could she deceive

Another member of her race?"

"I know each language on the map,"

Said he

"And she's Hungarian

As the first 'Hungarian Rhapsody"'

Bravo

Congratulations, Professor Higgins

For your glorious victory

Congratulations, Professor Higgins

You'll be mentioned in history

- This evening, sir, you did it

- Congratulations, Professor Higgins

- You said that you would do it

- For your glorious victory

This evening, sir, you did it

You did it, you did it

We know that we have did it

But you did it

And the credit for it

All belongs to you

Well, thank God that's over.

Now I can go to bed

without dreading tomorrow.

- Good night, Mr. Higgins.

- Good night, Mrs. Pearce.

I think I'll turn in too.

Good night, Higgins.

It's been a great occasion.

Good night, Pickering.

Oh, Mrs. Pearce?

Oh, damn.

I meant to ask her to give me coffee

in the morning instead of tea.

Leave a little note for her,

will you, Eliza?

And put out the lights.

Left them downstairs. Oh, darn it.

Leave my head behind

one of these days.

What the devil have I done

with my slippers?

Here are your slippers.

There!

And there!

Take your slippers and may you never

have a day's luck with them.

What on earth?

What's the matter? Is anything wrong?

No, nothing wrong with you.

I won your bet for you, haven't I?

That's enough for you.

I don't matter, I suppose.

You won my bet?

You presumptuous insect.

I won it. What did you throw

those slippers at me for?

Because I wanted to smash your face.

I could kill you, you selfish brute.

Why didn't you leave me

where you picked me up in the gutter?

You thank God it's all over now,

you can throw me back again there.

Oh, so the creature's nervous

after all.

Claws in, you cat. How dare you

show your temper to me.

Sit down and be quiet.

Oh, what's to become of me?

What's to become of me?

How do I know what's to become

of you? What does it matter?

You don't care. I know you don't care.

You wouldn't care if I was dead.

I'm nothing to you.

Not as much as them slippers.

- Those slippers.

I didn't think

it meant any difference now.

Why have you suddenly begun

going on like this?

May I ask if you complain

of your treatment here?

No.

Has anybody behaved badly?

Colonel Pickering, Mrs. Pearce?

No.

Well, you don't pretend

that I have treated you badly?

- No.

- No. I'm glad to hear that.

Perhaps you're tired

after the strain of the day.

Would you have a chocolate?

No!

Thank you.

Well, it's only natural

that you should be anxious,

but it's all over now.

Nothing more to worry about.

No, nothing more for you

to worry about.

Oh, God, I wish I was dead.

Why? In heaven's name, why?

Now, listen to me, Eliza.

All this irritation is purely subjective.

I don't understand. I'm too ignorant.

It's just imagination.

Nothing's wrong. Nobody's hurting you.

Now, you go to bed and sleep it off.

Have a little cry and say your prayers

and you'll feel

very much more comfortable.

I heard your prayers,

"Thank God it's all over."

Well, don't you thank God

it's all over

and how you're free

and you can do what you like.

Oh, what am I fit for?

What have you left me fit for?

Where am I to go?

What am I to do?

And what's to become of me?

Oh, that's what's worrying you, is it?

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that

if I were you.

I'm sure you won't have

any difficulty

in settling yourself

somewhere or other.

I didn't quite realize

you were going away.

You might marry, you know.

You see, Eliza, all men

are not confirmed old bachelors

like me and the colonel.

Most men are the marrying sort,

poor devils.

And you're not bad-looking.

You're really quite a pleasure

to look at sometimes.

Well, not now. When you've been

crying you look like the very devil.

But I mean when you're all right

and quite yourself,

you're what I would call attractive.

Now, you go to bed,

have a good night's rest,

then get up

and have a look at yourself.

You won't feel so bad.

I daresay my mother might find some

fellow or other who'd do very well.

We were above that

at Covent Garden.

What do you mean?

I sold flowers, I didn't sell myself.

Now, you've made a lady of me,

I'm not fit to sell anything else.

Oh, tosh, Eliza,

don't insult human relations

by dragging all that cant about buying

and selling into it.

You don't have to marry

if you don't want to.

- What else am I to do?

- Well, there are lots of things.

What about the old idea

of a florist shop?

Pickering would set you up in one.

He's got lots of money.

He paid for all those togs

you're wearing tonight.

And that with the hire of the jewelry

will make a big hole in 200 pounds.

Oh, come on now.

You'll be all right.

Well, I must be off to bed.

I'm really devilish sleepy.

I was looking for something.

What was it?

Your slippers.

Oh, yes, of course.

You shied them at me.

- Before you go, sir,

- Hm?

do my clothes belong to me

or to Colonel Pickering?

What the devil use

would they be to Pickering?

Why do you bother about that

in the night?

I want to know

what I may take away with me.

I don't wanna be

accused of stealing.

Stealing?

You shouldn't have said that, Eliza.

That shows a want of feeling.

I'm sorry. I'm a common ignorant girl.

In my station, I have to be careful.

There can't be any feelings between

the likes of you and the likes of me.

Please, will you tell me

what belongs to me and what doesn't?

Take the whole damned houseful

if you want.

Except the jewelry, that's hired.

Will that satisfy you?

Stop, please.

Will you take these to your room

and keep them safe?

I don't want to run the risk

of them being missed.

Hand them over.

If these belonged to me

and not the jeweler,

I'd ram them

down your ungrateful throat.

The ring isn't the jeweler's.

It's the one you bought me in Brighton.

I don't want it now.

Don't you hit me!

Hit you? You infamous creature,

how dare you suggest such a thing.

It's you who've hit me.

You've wounded me to the heart.

I'm glad.

I've got a little of my own back anyhow.

You've caused me

to lose my temper,

a thing that's hardly

happened to me before.

I don't wish to discuss it

further tonight. I'm going to bed.

You better leave your own note

for Mrs. Pearce about the coffee

for it won't be done by me.

Damn Mrs. Pearce,

damn the coffee and damn you.

And damn my own folly

for having lavished

my hard-earned knowledge

and the treasure of my regard

and intimacy

on a heartless guttersnipe.

Just you wait, Henry Higgins

Just you wait

You'll be sorry

But your tears'll be too late

You will be the one it's done to

And you'll have no one to run to

Just you wait

I have often walked

Down this street before

But the pavement always stayed

Beneath my feet before

All at once am I

Several stories high

Knowing I'm on the street

Where you live

Are there lilac trees

In the heart of town?

Can you hear a lark

In any other part of town?

Does enchantment pour

Out of every door?

No, it's just on the street

Where you live

And, oh, the towering feeling

Just to know somehow you are near

The overpowering feeling

That any second

You may suddenly appear

People stop and stare

They don't...

Darling.

Freddy,

whatever are you doing here?

Nothing.

I spend most of my nights here.

It's the only place where I'm happy.

Don't laugh at me, Miss Doolittle.

Don't you call me Miss Doolittle,

do you hear?

Eliza's good enough for me.

Oh, Freddy, you don't think

I'm a heartless guttersnipe, do you?

Darling, how could you imagine

such a thing? You know how I feel.

I've written two or three times a day

telling you. Sheet and sheets.

Speak

And the world is full of singing

And I am winging

Higher than the birds

Touch

And my heart begins to crumble

The heavens tumble

Darling, and I'm--

Words, words, words

I'm so sick of words

I get words all day through

First from him, now from you

Is that all you blighters can do?

Don't talk of stars burning above

If you're in love, show me

Tell me no dreams

Filled with desire

If you're on fire, show me

Here we are together

In the middle of the night

Don't talk of spring

Just hold me tight

Anyone who's ever been in love

Will tell you that

This is no time for a chat

Haven't your lips

Longed for my touch?

Don't say how much

Show me, show me

Don't talk of love

Lasting through time

Make me no undying vow

Show me now

Sing me no song

Read me no rhyme

Don't waste my time

Show me

Don't talk of June

Don't talk of fall

Don't talk at all

Show me

Never do I ever

Want to hear another word

There isn't one I haven't heard

Here we are together

In what ought to be a dream

Say one more word and I'll scream

Haven't your arms

Hungered for mine?

Please don't explain

Show me

Don't wait until

Wrinkles and lines

Pop out all over my brow

Show me now

- Eliza, where are you going?

- To the river.

- What for?

- To make a hole in it.

Eliza, darling, what do you mean?

Taxi.

But I've no money.

I have.

- Where are we going?

- Where I belong.

Darling, shall I come with you?

With one enormous chair

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Lots of chocolate for me to eat

Lots of coal making lots of heat

Warm face, warm hands, warm feet

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Oh, so...

Buy a flower, miss?

Yes, please.

I would never budge

Till spring crept over me windowsill

Someone's head

Resting on my knee

Warm and tender as she can be

Who takes good care of me

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Oh, good morning, miss.

Can I help you?

Do you mind if I warm my hands?

Go right ahead, miss.

- Yes?

- Oh, excuse me, miss.

For a second I thought

you were somebody else.

Who?

Forgive me, ma'am.

Early morning light playing tricks

with my eyes.

Can I get you a taxi, ma'am?

A lady like you

shouldn't be walking alone

around London

this hour of the morning.

No, thank you.

Someone's head

Resting on my knee

Warm and tender as he can be

Who takes good care of me

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

Loverly, loverly

Goodbye, Alfie.

- Goodbye.

- I'll call you Mr. Doolittle now.

Do come again, Mr. Doolittle.

We value your patronage always.

Oh, thank you, my good man.

Thank you.

Here. Come here.

Take the missus on a trip to Brighton

with my compliments.

Thank you, Mr. Doolittle.

Charming spot this, Harry.

We must visit it more often.

Father?

Oh, no.

You see, Harry, he has no mercy.

Sent her down to spy on me

in me misery, he did.

Me own flesh and blood.

Well, I'm miserable all right.

You can tell him that straight.

What are you talking about?

What you dressed up for?

As if you didn't know.

Go on back

to that Wimpole Street devil.

Tell him what he's done to me.

What's he done to you?

Ruined me, that's all.

Tied me up and delivered me

into the hands of middle-class morality.

And don't you defend him.

Was it him or was it not him

wrote to an old American blighter

named Wallingford

who was giving 5 millions

to fund moral reform societies

to tell him the most original moralist

in England

was Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle,

a common dustman.

Sounds like one of his jokes.

You may call it a joke.

It's put the lid on me proper.

The old bloke died and left me

4000 pounds a year

in his blooming will.

Who asked him

to make a gentleman out of me?

I was happy, I was free.

I touched pretty nigh everyone

for money when I wanted it,

same as I touched him.

Now I'm tied neck and heels

and everybody touches me.

A year ago,

I hadn't a relation in the world

except one or two

who wouldn't speak to me.

Now I've 50.

Not a decent week's wages

amongst the lot of them.

Oh, I have to live for others now,

not for myself.

Middle-class morality.

Come on, Alfie. Another couple

of hours, we have to be at the church.

- Church?

- Yeah, church.

The deepest cut of all.

Well, why do you think I'm dressed up

like a ruddy pallbearer?

Your stepmother

wants to marry me.

Now I'm respectable,

she wants to be respectable.

Well, if that's the way you feel about it,

why don't you give the money back?

That's the tragedy of it, Eliza.

It's easy to say chuck it,

but I haven't the nerve.

We're all intimidated.

That's what we are, intimidated.

Bought up.

Yeah. That's what I am.

That's what your precious professor's

brought me to.

Not my precious professor.

Oh, sent you back, has he?

First he shoves me

in the middle class,

then he chucks you out

for me to support you.

That's all part of his plan.

But you double-cross him.

Don't you come back home to me.

Don't you take tuppence from me.

You stand on your own two feet.

You're a lady now, and you can do it.

Yeah, that's right, Eliza.

You're a lady now.

Eliza, it's getting awfully cold

in that taxi.

Here, Eliza, would you like to come

and see me turned off this morning?

St. George's Hanover Square,

10:00.

I wouldn't advise it,

but you're welcome.

- No, thank you, Dad.

- No.

Are you all finished here, Eliza?

Yes, Freddy.

I'm all finished here.

Good luck, Dad.

Thank you, Eliza.

- Come along, Alfie.

- How much time have I got left?

There's just a few more hours

That's all the time you've got

A few more hours

Before they tie the knot

There's drinks and girls

All over London

And I gotta track 'em down

In just a few more hours

Set 'em up, me darlin'

I'm gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding dong

The bells are gonna chime

Pull out the stopper

Let's have a whopper

But get me to the church on time

I gotta be there in the mornin'

Spruced up and lookin' in me prime

Girls, come and kiss me

Show how you'll miss me

But get me to the church on time

If I am dancin'

Roll up the floor

If I am whistlin'

Me out the door

I'm gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding dong

The bells are gonna chime

Kick up a rumpus

But don't lose the compass

And get me to the church

Get him to the church

For God's sake

Get me to the church on time

I'm gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding dong

The bells are gonna chime

Some bloke who's able

Lift up the table

And get me to the church on time

If I am flyin'

Then shoot me down

If I am wooin'

Get her out of town

For I'm gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding dong

The bells are gonna chime

Feather and tar me

Call out the army

But get me to the church

Get me to the church

Oh, for God's sake

Get me to the church on time

He's gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding dong

The bells are gonna chime

Come on, pull out the stopper

Let's have a whopper

But get me to the church on time

He's got to be there in the mornin'

Spruced up and lookin' in his prime

Girls, come and kiss me

Show how you'll miss me

But get me to the church on time

If I am dancin'

Roll up the floor

If I am whistlin'

Me out the door

For he's gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding dong

The bells are gonna chime

Ding dong

The bells are gonna chime

Drug me or jail me

Stamp me and mail me

But get me to the church

Get him to the church

For God's sake

Get me to the church on time

Come on, Alfie.

Yeah, go on.

Yeah, he's light.

Girls come and kiss him

Show how they miss him

And get him to the church on time

Kick up a rumpus

But don't lose the compass

And get him to the church on time

If I am flyin'

Then shoot me down

If I am wooin'

Get her out of town

Ouch!

He's gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding dong

The bells are gonna chime

- Some bloke who's able

- Lift up the table

Get me to the church on time

- It's a nice morning.

- Good morning, Alfie.

Three cheers.

Come back.

Starlight is reelin' home to bed now

Mornin' is smearin' up the sky

London is wakin'

Daylight is breakin'

Good luck, old chum

Good health

Goodbye

I'm gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding dong

The bells are gonna chime

Hail and salute me

Then haul off and boot me

And get him to the church

Get him to the church

For God's sake

Get him to the church

On time

Pickering. Pickering.

Didn't she even say

where to send her clothes?

She took them all with her.

- Pickering.

- What's the matter?

Here's a confounded thing.

Eliza's bolted.

- Bolted?

- Bolted.

Last night, Mrs. Pearce let her go

without telling me.

- Well, I'm dashed.

- What am I to do?

I got tea instead of coffee.

I don't know where anything is.

- I don't know my appointments.

- Eliza would know.

Of course she'd know,

but she's gone.

Did either of you

frighten her last night?

We hardly said a word to her.

You were there.

Did you bully her

after I went to bed?

The other way around.

She threw the slippers at me.

I never gave her

the slightest provocation.

The slippers came, bang, at my head

before I uttered a word.

Used the most disgraceful language.

I was shocked.

- Well, I'm dashed.

- I don't understand.

We've given her every consideration.

- She admitted it herself.

- Well, I'm dashed.

Oh, Pickering, for God's sake,

stop being dashed and do something.

- What?

- Well, phone the police.

What are they

there for in heaven's name?

Mr. Higgins, you can't give

Eliza's name to the police

as if she were a thief

or a lost umbrella.

But why not? I want to find the girl.

She belongs to me.

I paid 5 pounds for her.

Quite right. Hello.

Scotland Yard, please.

Get me some coffee,

would you please?

- Yes, sir.

- Who's there?

Scotland Yard? Yes, of course.

I beg your pardon, yes.

This is Colonel Pickering speaking.

Hugh Pickering.

- 27A Wimpole Street.

- I want to report a missing person.

- Male or female?

A Miss Eliza Doolittle, yeah.

About 21.

And her height?

- I should say about 5'7".

- What color eyes?

Her eyes? Oh, let me think now.

Her eyes, her eyes.

- Brown.

- Brown, yeah.

No, no, no. Her hair?

Oh, good Lord. Let me...

Well, sort of nondescript

neutral sort of--

Brown, brown, brown.

You heard what he said?

Brown, brown, brown, yes.

No, no, no, this is her residence.

27A-- Yeah.

About between 3 and 4 this morning,

I understand.

Yes. No, no, no.

Rela-- No, she's no relation, no.

What? Well, just let's call her

a good friend, shall we?

I beg your pardon?

Listen to me, my man,

I don't like the tenor of that question.

What the girl does here is our affair.

Your affair is to get her back

so that she can continue doing it.

Well, I'm dashed.

What, in all in heaven,

Can have prompted her to go?

After such a triumph at the ball?

What could have depressed her?

What could have possessed her?

I cannot understand

The wretch at all

Higgins, I have an old school chum

at the Home Office.

Perhaps he can help.

Think I'll give him a ring.

Number, please.

Whitehall 72-double 4, please.

Whitehall 72-double 4.

Women are irrational

That's all there is to that

Their heads are full of cotton

Hay and rags

They're nothing but exasperating

Irritating, vacillating

Calculating, agitating, maddening

And infuriating hags

The Home Office here.

Oh, I want to speak

to Mr. Brewster Budgin, please.

- Would you hold on, sir?

- Brew-- Yes, I'll wait.

Pickering,

why can't a woman

be more like a man?

I beg your pardon?

Yes, why can't a woman

Be more like a man?

Men are so honest

So thoroughly square

Eternally noble, historically fair

Who, when you win

Will always give your back a pat

Well, why can't a woman

Be like that?

Why does everyone

Do what the others do?

Can't a woman learn

To use her head?

Why do they do everything

Their mothers do?

Why don't they grow up

Well, like their father instead?

Why can't a woman

Take after a man?

Men are so pleasant

So easy to please

Whenever you're with them

You're always at ease

Would you be slighted

If I didn't speak for hours?

Of course not.

Would you be livid

If I had a drink or two?

Nonsense.

Would you be wounded

If I never sent you flowers?

Never.

Well, why can't a woman

Be like you?

One man in a million

May shout a bit

Now and then

There's one with slight defects

One, perhaps, whose truthfulness

You doubt a bit

But by and large

We are a marvelous sex

Why can't a woman

Take after a man?

Because men are so friendly

Good-natured and kind

A better companion

You never will find

If I were hours late for dinner

Would you bellow?

Of course not.

If I forgot your silly birthday

Would you fuss?

Nonsense.

Would you complain

If I took out another fellow?

Never.

Well, why can't a woman

Be like us?

Oh, hello.

Mr. Brewster Budgin there?

- Yes, Budgin here.

- Bruzzie.

Oh, Bruzzie, you'll never

never guess who this is.

Oh, don't be silly. It's Pickering.

You're quite right, yes, it is.

Good heavens.

By George, what a memory.

How are you, Bruzzie?

Nice to hear your voice.

What? Oh, don't say that.

Is it already 30 years? Good heavens.

You're quite right.

Yes, oceans of water.

Listen, Bruzzie,

I'll tell you why I rang up.

Something rather unpleasant's

happened. Could I come and see you?

Well, I could.

Yes, now, straight away.

Right-o, good. Thank you, thank you.

Goodbye, Bruzzie.

Thank you very much.

Oh, Mrs. Pearce,

I'm going along to the Home Office.

Oh, I do hope you find her,

Colonel Pickering.

Mr. Higgins will miss her.

Mr. Higgins will miss her, eh?

Blast Mr. Higgins. I'll miss her.

Pickering?

Oh, Mrs. Pearce?

- Yes, sir?

- Where's the colonel?

He's gone to the Home Office, sir.

Oh, there you are.

I'm disturbed and he runs for help.

Now, there's a good fellow.

Mrs. Pearce, you're a woman.

Why can't a woman

Be more like a man?

Men are so decent

Such regular chaps

Ready to help you

Through any mishaps

Ready to buck you up

Whenever you are glum

Why can't a woman be a chum?

Why is thinking

Something women never do?

Why is logic never even tried?

Straightening up their hair

Is all they ever do

Why don't they straighten up

The mess that's inside?

Why can't a woman

Behave like a man?

If I was a woman

Who'd been to a ball

Been hailed as a princess

By one and by all

Would I start weeping

Like a bathtub overflowing?

Or carry on

As if my home were in a tree?

Would I run off

And never tell me where I'm going?

Why can't a woman be like me?

Do you mean to say

that after you'd done

this wonderful thing for them

without making a single mistake,

they just sat there,

never said a word to you?

Never petted you, or admired you,

or told you how splendid you'd been?

Not a word. They just sat there

congratulating each other

on how marvelous they'd been.

How glad they were it was all over

and what a bore it had all been.

This is simply appalling.

I should not have thrown

my slippers at him,

I should've thrown the fire irons.

- Oh, is mother in?

- What's that?

Henry.

I knew it wouldn't be too long.

Now, remember,

you not only danced

with a prince last night,

you behaved like a princess.

Mother, the most confounded thing.

Do you...?

You?

Good afternoon, Professor Higgins.

Are you quite well?

- Am I--?

- Of course you are.

You are never ill.

Would you care for some tea?

Don't you dare try that game on me.

I taught it to you.

Now, get up and come home

and stop being a fool.

You've caused me enough trouble.

Very nicely put indeed, Henry.

No woman could resist

such an invitation.

How did this baggage get here

in the first place?

Eliza came to see me this morning

and I was delighted to have her.

And if you don't promise to behave,

I must ask you to leave.

You mean to say I'm to put on

my Sunday manners

for this thing that I created

out of the squashed cabbage leaves

of Covent Garden?

That's precisely what I mean.

Well, I'll see her damned first.

However did you learn good manners

with my son around?

It was very difficult.

I should never have known

how ladies and gentlemen behave

if it hadn't been

for Colonel Pickering.

He always showed me

that he felt and thought about me

as if I were something better

than a common flower girl.

You see, Mrs. Higgins,

apart from the things one can pick up,

the difference between a lady

and a flower girl

is not how she behaves,

but how she is treated.

I shall always be a flower girl

to Professor Higgins

because he always treats me

as a flower girl and always will.

But I know I shall always be a lady

to Colonel Pickering

because he always treats me

as a lady and always will.

Henry, don't grind your teeth.

The bishop is here, madam.

Shall I show him into the garden?

The bishop and the professor?

Good heavens, no.

I should be excommunicated.

I'll see him in the library.

Eliza, if my son

starts breaking up things,

I give you full permission

to have him evicted.

Henry, dear, I suggest you stick

to two subjects:

The weather and your health.

Well, you've had a bit

of your own back, as you call it.

Have you had enough

and are you going to be reasonable

or do you want any more?

You want me back

only to pick up your slippers

and put up with your tempers

and fetch and carry for you.

- I didn't say I wanted you back at all.

- Oh, indeed?

- Then what are we talking about?

- Well, about you, not about me.

If you come back, you'll be treated

as you've always been treated.

I can't change my nature.

I don't intend to change my manners.

My manners are exactly the same

as Colonel Pickering's.

That's not true.

He treats a flower girl

as if she were a duchess.

Well, I treat a duchess

as if she was a flower girl.

Oh, I see. The same to everybody.

Just so.

You see, the great secret, Eliza,

is not a question of good manners

or bad manners

or any particular sort of manners,

but having the same manner

for all human souls.

The question is not

whether I treat you rudely,

whether you've ever heard me

treat anyone else better.

I don't care how you treat me.

I don't mind your swearing at me.

I shouldn't mind a black eye.

I've had one before this.

But I won't be passed over.

Well, then get out of my way,

for I won't stop for you.

You talk about me

as though I was a motor bus.

So you are a motor bus.

All bounce and go

and no consideration for anybody.

But I can get along without you.

Don't you think I can't.

I know you can. I told you you could.

You've never wondered, I suppose

whether I could get along without you.

Don't you try to get around me.

You'll have to.

So I can, without you

or any soul on earth.

I shall miss you, Eliza.

I've learned something

from your idiotic notions.

I confess that, humbly and gratefully.

Well, you have my voice

on your gramophone.

When you feel lonely without me,

you can turn it on.

It has no feelings to hurt.

Well, I can't turn your soul on.

Ooh. You are a devil.

You can twist the heart in a girl

just as easily

as someone can twist her arms

to hurt her.

What am I to come back for?

For the fun of it.

That's why I took you on.

And you may throw me out tomorrow

if I don't do everything you want me to.

Yes, and you may walk out tomorrow

if I don't do everything you want me to.

And live with my father?

Yes, or sell flowers.

Or would you rather marry Pickering?

I wouldn't marry you

if you asked me,

and you're nearer my age

than what he is.

- Than he is.

- I'll talk as I like.

You're not my teacher now.

That's not what I want,

and you don't think it is.

I've always had chaps enough

wanting me that way.

Freddy Hill writes me twice

and three times a day.

Sheets and sheets.

In short, you want me to be

as infatuated about you as he is.

- Is that it?

- No, I don't.

That's not the sort of feeling

I want from you.

I want a little kindness.

I know I'm a common ignorant girl

and you're a book-learned gentleman.

But I'm not dirt under your feet.

What I done--

What I did

was not for the taxis and the dresses,

but because we were

pleasant together and I've come to--

Came to care for you.

Not to want you to make love to me

and not forgetting

the difference between us,

but more friendly-like.

Well, of course. That's how I feel.

And how Pickering feels.

- Eliza, you're a fool.

- That's not the proper answer.

It's the only answer

till you stop being an idiot.

If you're a lady,

give up feeling neglected

if the men you know

don't spend half their time

sniveling over you and the other half

giving you black eyes.

You find me cold, unfeeling,

selfish, don't you?

Be off with you

to the sort of people you like.

Marry some sentimental hog

with lots of money

and a thick pair of lips to kiss you

and a thick pair of boots to kick you.

If you can't appreciate what you've got,

get what you can appreciate.

Oh, I can't talk to you.

You always turn everything

against me. I'm always in the wrong.

But don't be too sure

that you have me under your feet

to be trampled on and talked down.

I'll marry, Freddy, I will,

soon as I'm able to support him.

Freddy?

That poor devil who couldn't get a job

as an errand boy

even if he had the guts to try for it?

Woman, don't you understand?

I've made you a consort for a king.

Freddy loves me.

That makes him king enough for me.

I don't want him to work.

He wasn't brought up to it as I was.

I'll go and be a teacher.

What will you teach,

in heaven's name?

What you taught me.

I'll teach phonetics.

Ha, ha, ha.

I'll offer myself as an assistant

to that brilliant Hungarian.

What, that impostor? That humbug?

That toadying ignoramus?

Teach him my methods,

my discoveries?

You take one step in that direction

and I'll wring your neck.

Wring away. What do I care?

I knew you'd strike me one day.

That's done you, Henry Higgins,

it has.

Now, I don't care that

for your bullying and your big talk.

What a fool I was

What a dominated fool

To think you were the earth and sky

What a fool I was

What an elevated fool

What a mutton-headed dolt was I

No, my reverberating friend

You are not the beginning

And the end

You impudent hussy.

There's not an idea in your head

or a word in your mouth

that I haven't put there.

There'll be spring every year

Without you

England still will be here

Without you

There'll be fruit on the tree

And a shore by the sea

There'll be crumpets and tea

Without you

Art and music will thrive

Without you

Somehow Keats will survive

Without you

And there still will be rain

On that plain down in Spain

Even that will remain

Without you

I can do

Without you

You, dear friend

Who talk so well

You can go to

Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire

They can still rule the land

Without you

Windsor Castle will stand

Without you

And without much ado

We can all muddle through

Without you

You brazen hussy.

Without your pulling it

The tide comes in

Without your twirling it

The Earth can spin

Without your pushing them

The clouds roll by

If they can do without you

Ducky, so can I

I shall not feel alone

Without you

I can stand on my own

Without you

So go back in your shell

I can do bloody well

- Without--

By George, I really did it

I did it, I did it

I said I'd make a woman

And indeed I did

I knew that I could do it

I knew it, I knew it

I said I'd make a woman

And succeed I did

Eliza, you're magnificent.

Five minutes ago, you were a millstone

around my neck

and now you're a tower of strength.

A consort battleship.

I like you this way.

Goodbye, Professor Higgins.

You shall not be seeing me again.

Mother!

What is it, Henry?

What's happened?

She's gone.

Well, of course, dear.

What did you expect?

Well...

- What am I to do?

- Do without, I suppose.

And so I shall.

If the Higgins' oxygen burns up

her little lungs,

let her seek some stuffiness

that suits her.

She's an owl sickened by a few days

of my sunshine.

Very well, let her go.

I can do without her.

I can do without anyone.

I have my own soul.

My own spark of divine fire.

Bravo, Eliza.

Damn, damn, damn, damn

I've grown accustomed to her face

She almost makes the day begin

I've grown accustomed to the tune

That she whistles night and noon

Her smiles, her frowns

Her ups, her downs

Are second nature to me now

Like breathing out and breathing in

I was serenely independent

And content before we met

Surely I could always

Be that way again

And yet I've grown accustomed

To her look

Accustomed to her voice

Accustomed to her face

Marry Freddy.

What an infantile idea.

What a heartless, wicked,

brainless thing to do.

But she'll regret it. She'll regret it.

It's doomed before

they even take the vow.

I can see her now

Mrs. Freddy Eynsford-Hill

In a wretched little flat

Above a store

I can see her now

Not a penny in the till

And a bill collector

Beating at the door

She'll try to teach the things

I taught her

And end up selling flowers instead

Begging for her bread and water

While her husband

Has his breakfast in bed

In a year or so

When she's prematurely gray

And the blossom in her cheek

Has turned to chalk

She'll come home, and lo

He'll have upped and run away

With a social-climbing heiress

From New York

Poor Eliza

How simply frightful

How humiliating

How delightful

How poignant it'll be

On that inevitable night

When she hammers on my door

In tears and rags

Miserable and lonely

Repentant and contrite

Will I take her in

Or hurl her to the wolves?

Give her kindness

Or the treatment she deserves?

Will I take her back

Or throw the baggage out?

Well, I'm a most forgiving man

The sort who never could

Ever would

Take a position

And staunchly never budge

A most forgiving man

But I shall never take her back

If she were crawling on her knees

Let her promise to atone

Let her shiver, let her moan

I'll slam the door

And let the hellcat freeze

Marry Freddy. Ha!

But I'm so used to hear her say

Good morning every day

Her joys, her woes

Her highs, her lows

Are second nature to me now

Like breathing out and breathing in

I'm very grateful she's a woman

And so easy to forget

Rather like a habit

One can always break

And yet I've grown

Accustomed to the trace

Of something in the air

Accustomed to her face

Oh, we are proud.

He ain't above giving lessons, not him.

I heard him say so.

Well, I ain't come here

to ask for any compliment,

and if my money's not good enough,

I can go elsewhere.

Good enough for what?

Good enough for you.

Now you know, don't you?

I'm come to have lessons,

I am, and to pay for them too,

make no mistake.

What is it you want, my girl?

I want to be a lady in a flower shop

instead of selling at the corner

of Tottenham Court Road.

But they won't take me

unless I can talk more genteel.

He said he could teach me.

Well, here I am.

Ready to pay,

not asking any favor.

And he treats me as if I was dirt.

I know what lessons cost as well

as you do, and I'm ready to pay.

I won't give more than a schilling.

Take it or leave it.

It's almost irresistible.

She's so deliciously low.

So horribly dirty.

I'll take it.

I'll make a duchess

of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe.

I washed my face and hands

before I come, I did.

Eliza?

Where the devil are my slippers?

My Fair Lady (1964) - full transcript