My Daughter's First Time (2015) - full transcript
A hyper-anxious control freak father finds out his teenage daughter is about to have sex for the first time. In a fit of pure panic he organizes a dinner party with some friends to try and dissuade her.
MY DAUGHTER'S FIRST TIME
Good morning!
- Good morning, doctor.
- Here we are.
- Here you go.
- Your coffee!
Careful.
Mrs De Pisis' lipstick!
Oh, God. Sorry, doctor.
It's the dishwasher.
- 'Cos you don't use detergent.
- What?
No, because I can't smell any.
I'm sure you're just using
hot water and salt.
- We use the one in the ad!
- Yeah, all right.
How do you know
it's Mrs De Pisis' lipstick?
Right.
First, the lipstick
is to the right of the handle.
So she's a left-hander.
Second, among the clients of this bar,
only Mrs De Pisis
uses periwinkle-blue lipstick.
- You do notice everything, Doctor.
- Well, yes.
- And what should I think?
- Nothing, Mrs De Pisis. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
- Good morning, Dr. Santini.
- Oh, good morning, Mrs. Sgarzini.
Lovely to see you again, doctor.
- Has it been a month?
- Time flies, huh? It really does.
See you later.
- Doctor, good morning!
- God.
Just a moment, give me a hand.
Let me remind you I'm here
for people of a certain age!
- You're a youngster!
- What? It's sore, Doctor.
Please, take a look.
What is it, a 125?
I'm not with you.
This is a typical 125 scooter injury.
The shock absorbers.
That's why I have a 300.
Yeah, I do have a 125.
Yeah, and now you've got a hernia
as well, L5-S1. Bye!
Doctor, wait.
Doctor!
OAP CENTER
- Do I need an operation?
- You don't operate on the L5-S1.
So, what should I do?
Lose 30 kilos, painkillers
and two months of physiotherapy.
Then go and see a doctor,
but not me! OK?
What are you doing?
Abandoning me?
I don't have time!
I don't believe it!
I'll call you later. Yeah. Bye.
What are you doing here?
I'm sorry, I was late this morning
and didn't see all my patient.
Yeah, because you'll have been out
'til 4 in the morning, De Angelis!
Oh, God, Santini!
I can update their psychological profiles,
while you see them.
Yeah, just what we need.
How many today?
- Lots.
- Who?
- Mrs Orlandi.
- Great!
Mrs Orlandi, come in.
Here I am.
In you come.
- Good morning, Doctor.
- Good morning.
Giovanna!
Irene! What a lovely surprise.
It's great to see you.
Good morning.
Sit here on the bed,
raise your pullover.
- Well, Giovanna, how are you?
- How are you "madam".
Not too bad.
Hubby?
Your husband.
- Everything's OK?
- Everything's fine.
I did what you said.
I went to speak with the...
- Admin people.
- Lie down, madam.
They made me pay the perpetual light
for ten years,
so I don't need to worry.
- Your husband will be pleased.
- Too true!
His grave's so clean,
it's like he died yesterday.
Sit up, madam.
- What about your niece?
- Your niece, Madam.
I'm a bit worried about her,
to be honest.
These exams are murder.
Mrs Orlandi, instead
of talking about your niece's exams,
can we concentrate on yours?
You have to realize that
you can't have three full meals a day.
but divide one full meal
over the arc of the day.
For example, carbohydrates at lunch
and protein at dinner.
Otherwise, your diabetes will increase.
- No little dessert?
- A chocolate sweet, maybe.
And the sambuca Irene gave me?
What sambuca?
Nothing, she really likes it.
One finger!
Good.
Now for a last time
close your eyes.
Great, now he'll be stuck there.
Deep breath.
That's us!
- So, how do you feel?
- Great!
I feel... lighter.
- Thanks. See you next month.
- All right.
Where are you going?
I have to give you a check-up.
Doc, I feel great.
See you next month.
Not even a goodbye.
He said it, not me, eh?
- Yeah, fine.
- Yeah, fine, what?
- You've got it easy.
- What?
You give people sambuca,
you're informal with 90-years-old,
soul therapy, really professional,
my compliments!
You're really old-fashioned, Santini,
like all doctors.
Old-fashioned!
Because you didn't study physiology.
If you had, you'd known that doctors
should be loved and that's all.
But what do you know?
You studied whatsit psychology in America.
Transpersonal psychology.
Yeah, a degree that's not even
recognized in Italy!
Yeah, 'cos Italian degrees
open your mind, eh, Santini?
- You're the classic example.
- Am I?
- Mrs Orlandi is 80.
- So?
If she drinks one sambuca more
and lives one day less, what changes?
All right, see you next month. Bye.
Maybe before that, Santini,
maybe at the Santa Cecilia Auditorium.
Yeah, yeah,
listen to your druggy music!
Coming.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Carla.
My daughter?
Bibi's late.
OK, I'll wait.
The lady of the house?
- Left this morning, back on Monday.
- Silly question!
Carla, do what you've got to do.
OK.
Poppy...
OK, it's just for her homework.
She wrote no assignments.
"Papo's birthday", sweet.
"A year ago,
Lisa did it for the first time."
"I thought it would never
have happened to me. But instead..."
"Life is now"?
"Let's hope it doesn't end
the way it did for Lisa!"
"But I don't think so."
Life is now...
What?
But...
"Fuck".
What?
"Bianca and Lisa forever friends."
"With you I share every joy
and every pain."
Oh, God!
Again?
What...?
Right...
Bianca.
No.
Papo.
Of course!
Poppy.
Well, Mami, no?
Don't tell me...
Fuck.
Fuck.
Don't tell me.
What's that?
Come on, Lisa.
Oh, Bi, I just sat down on the sofa,
and look what I found
under the cushion!
Condoms!
They're still here!
If my dad had found them...!
Bi, it's your turn, now, huh?
" it's your turn, now."
It's not your turn, it's not your turn!
- Alberto, what is it?
- Marta, we need to talk.
It's awful,
Bianca's about to make love!
Of course she is, she is 15.
In fact, I think she already has.
No.
I read her diary.
Her diary?
That's not ok,
you should never read people's diaries!
That's not the point,
I'm saying she hasn't,
'cos it was yesterday's page
which was my birthday,
which must mean something.
Yes, happy birthday.
What are you on about?
I'm talking about Bianca!
She says she doesn't want
to end up like Lisa.
Who's Lisa, do you know her?
Alberto, I don't know,
I'll call you back.
- Hello?
- Marina, Alberto. Dinner tonight?
- But I'm...
- No, see you at Masolino at 7:30.
- I've got a tasting.
- A tasting?
- Can't you skip it?
- No.
All right, I'll come to you,
it's a tragedy!
You shouldn't have read her diary,
Alberto.
All right, but that's not the point.
Marina, heart in hand, please...
I'd like you to explain to my daughter
whose godmother you are.
that she's about to make
an enormous mistake.
15 is too young to make love
for the first time.
Yes, but where do I come in?
How can I help you, Alberto?
You have principles, values, you're
a gynecologist at a Well Woman clinic.
You know everything,
you've seen everything.
If you can't solve
this sort of problem, eh!
Problem?
- A step.
- A crossing, more like!
Her friend Lisa sends her
videos with condoms!
I fell sick just thinking about it!
How will you bring this up
with Bianca?
It's all organized.
She's coming here.
Come on, all right?
All right.
God, just as well. Thanks, Mari!
I knew I could count on you.
- But keep calm, Alberto.
- Yeah.
I'll calm down, we'll sort this
and I'll be really calm.
- We'll just wait for Giovanni and...
- What... Giovanni?
Of course, it's a tasting for the farm.
What did you expect?
- Couldn't you have told me?
- You wouldn't let me speak!
I know, but we're already
in this dump, I don't know.
which Bianca will hate,
and Giovanni's here too,
it'll be a disaster!
He likes you, don't be like that.
Come on, Marina, you and I are in sync,
Giovanni's not.
You know that!
If you hadn't help him with the farm...
Come on!
Don't say that now, come on.
You did well,
you helped him out of love.
but he's not one of us,
he doesn't speak our language.
Bianca has to speak with you,
not Giovanni.
because Giovanni has no concept
of what's going on.
You're wrong!
You've always undervalued him.
Yeah, sure.
Can I have a prosecco, please?
No, three!
- Albertone, how are you? OK?
- Fine, thanks.
Guys, parking round here is impossible,
it's terrifying.
Because they've installed the meters,
but not any actual parking.
Yeah...
- What are you doing here anyway?
- Nothing, I wanted...
You want to open a farm holiday home,
as well? It's not for you!
Giovanni, Alberto's worried,
He needs our help.
He read Bianca's diary.
Alberto, you should never read
your children's diaries.
In an extreme situation,
a father can, all right?
All right, all right, all right.
But if she catches you,
remember diaries are like infidelities:
deny everything.
Then if you want to do it,
do it properly, check her computer.
Done it.
I won't tell you the password
and what I found on it.
Giovanni, did you hear me?
Alberto's worried.
He's discovered Bianca's about
to lose her virginity.
So?
- See?
- Giovanni, what are you saying?
What am I saying?
Not everyone's as dopey
at that age as you were!
And you as well, Alberto, at 16,
you wanted to do it, didn't you?
What's that got to do with anything?
And Bianca's 15.
And what do you care?
You've got a son.
Think about it, a daughter,
someone approaches her.
I swear, if he's a football hooligan
or a junky, I'll kill him!
- So she'll be a 40 year-old virgin?
- Why not?
And where are they doing it,
I'd like to know...
Everywhere, Alberto, everywhere.
In the disco, at the bowling,
on the bus...
- On the bus?
- On the bus.
Can I give you some advice?
Let her use your place.
My place? Bianca?
Bianca!
- Hi, Dad.
- I wasn't expecting you.
Didn't I say? Mum's in Rome,
this weekend I'm with you.
- Hey, Alberto!
- What? Who are you?
Ok, we'll go to your room.
No...
Not my place!
No, please...
Giovanni, please.
All right.
Come, Alberto, come.
- You come as well.
- Yes, I'm coming!
Listen, Alberto, are you sure
we can talk to your daughter Bianca?
- She thinks we're old.
- Exactly, we are old.
Which reminds me,
yesterday was my birthday.
- Sorry!
- A phone call, maybe?
What's today's date?
Whatever, there's no better excuse
to all be here with her.
We'll tell her it's for my birthday.
OK?
- Let's toast this concerned daddy, then.
- OK...
Happy birthday!
- How old are you? I don't remember!
- Precisely.
Alberto, you have to understand
your daughter's ready, now.
Kids at 15 do everything,
they know everything.
They've got YouPorn,
Chatroulette, Badoo..
What's the other one?
They've got Internet.
Look what I found in today's paper.
I photocopied it.
You're not missing any, eh?
- What?
- Porn sites.
- You know them all, how come?
- Listen.
Let's listen.
Letter to the paper's doctor.
From someone signing simply as Worried.
I'm 21 and have had
a boyfriend for a year." Fine.
"I found myself next to him
in my underwear,"
Well...
"And he ejaculated,
messing up his jeans."
"Leaving aside the legends,
can you get pregnant without penetration?"
"Luckily my period had just finished
and I might not be fertile..."
Who was he, Harry Potter?
They don't know everything, see?
They know nothing!
- She's a one-off.
- Really?
- Don't worry, we're here, we'll help you.
- Yeah.
Tell me, where do you eat here?
That's a serious problem.
I'll go and find out.
- Come on.
- Excuse-me...
There's three of us,
and someone else to arrive.
- Four?
- Yes.
- Is this all right?
- Perfect.
Alberto, Marina!
Here we are.
- Good evening.
- To you.
- Will I sit here? All right?
- Yes...
Alberto at the head of the table,
it's his birthday.
- It's his day.
- Fine.
- It's a nice place, though, eh?
- Well...
- Why?
I'm not sure if it's the right place
to discuss these things with Bianca.
There's too much noise and confusion.
I want a different table.
- Excuse-me.
- No problem.
See?
Hang on a moment.
Excuse-me?
Sorry, I don't believe it!
Tell me it's you.
Alberto Santini!
- Federico Gualerzi, how are you?
- Great.
What are you doing here?
I bought this place a few months ago.
I'm really pleased to see you.
Federico, can you do me a favor?
We need a table
with a little more privacy.
- No problem.
- Thanks.
Gianluca, please, they're friends.
- The table at the back.
- Right away.
- I'll be over, later.
- All right.
- We're changing table.
- How do you know him?
- I'll explain. Come on...
- Where?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Here.
- Where...
Me here, you there, Marina here.
Come on.
- I'll be right with you.
- Thank you.
So I'm next to Bianca. You look at her,
no point me looking at her.
Yes.
No, you and I should change places.
Come on, Giovanni.
The gaze of her gaze,
the paternal gaze.
It's best I look her in the eye,
come on.
- OK?
- Oh, yes, fine.
This is what I propose.
Let her bring it up,
so if she asks a question,
she'll listen to the answer.
Excuse me, a Ribolla.
Listen, Marina,
it's best you look at her.
Giovanni, move again.
- You go here.
- Here?
- Yes, like that.
- Come on.
Right, there we are.
- All right?
- Fine.
Right, I'll skirt round the subject
and talk about your son Matteo,
who's going out
with that very pretty girl.
- What's her name?
- Valentina.
- How long have they been together?
- About a year.
If Bianca notices this trap...
What are you saying? What trap?
- Are they happy together?
- Yes.
They love each other?
- What's her name?
- Valentina.
- Nice.
- We've been lucky, Giovanni.
Lucky!
It took a real effort with Matteo.
Alberto, when a mother has a healthy way
of communicating with a child...
You get the fruits... I know!
But Bianca might as well
not have a mother,
you know my ex-wife, no?
No interest in the human race.
Anyway, as I was saying,
I'll speak about your son Matteo,
and then I'll quote a magazine
that arrived today
that speaks about a series
of new very dangerous viruses
that are transmitted sexually.
- We didn't get that.
- Neither did I.
- It doesn't exist, Marina.
- Got you!
- But I'll talk to her about it.
- Right.
Just as well.
I've also prepared a series
of really good aids for you,
because I heard a couple of songs
that speak about young people.
I can imagine it.
Young people listen
to what'shisname?
He performed the other night
near our house.
Kept us up all night, the rapper,
what's he called?
- Gozer.
- Gozer!
Who's Gozer?
What are you saying, Giovanni?
He's obscene.
His lyrics are all about arses and cocks,
really obscene.
Bianca would never listen to that.
Bianca is all sweetness and light.
Sometimes, the sweetness and light ones
are the most... Whatch out!
- Bianca!
- Hi, Dad.
My love.
- Hi, Bianca!
- Hi, Giovanni.
Goodness, you've become a woman!
What? She's a girl!
Hi, Marina.
She's grown up!
I didn't know you were coming.
- Neither did we, till the last minute.
- Shut up...
This place is really cool.
You like it?
It's a place I found, young, modern...
Trendy!
- What are you saying?
- All I said was "trendy".
Anyway... you see the surprise
they arranged for me?
I thought of organizing a dinner
for my birthday.
Birthday?
- What, you wrote it down.
- Eh?
I'm such a moron,
now she'll know I read her diary!
Sorry, yesterday was my birthday, no?
- So it is, April 4th, Papo, sorry.
- No, love, no.
April 4th is today,
my birthday's the 3rd.
- All right, Dad.
- It's OK.
- How are you, love?
- Fine, Matteo?
- At dinner with Valentina's parents.
- Ah, see?
Matteo is something.
This Valentina,
how long have they been together?
- A year.
- Ah, a year?
That's so sweet.
This is a young man
who has certain values.
- Alberto...
- All right, OK.
- Who are you writing to, love?
- Nobody, a friend, Lisa.
- Lisa?
- A toast!
We haven't done one with Bianca!
All right, I'll give you a little,
just a drop!
Look each other in the eyes
and don't cross glasses.
- All the best!
- To me!
Go on.
Here we are.
To start,
we have a roulade of Kobe beef,
with a micro caponata
and balsamic and blueberry reduction.
Or mini swordfish burger
with a tomato and cashew sauce.
and a courgette, mozzarella
and date tomatoes bake.
Well?
- We have to order?
- Yes.
A starter for everyone?
No, everyone can order
what they like.
- For me, the courgette bake.
- The bake.
- The kobe.
- Fine.
Yeah but the portions, you know...
Mini, micro, reductions. Please!
Don't worry, I'll deal with that.
- We also have raw... a tuna tartare.
- No, no, please, no!
I like raw!
- No! The raw fish virus...
- The virus...
Ah, the virus!
The virus is really bad.
I can't.
Right, then... a mini burger?
One mini burger.
- Three.
- Three mini burgers.
- For you, sir?
- No, nothing for me, thanks.
Than you.
I'd have taken the tuna, but it's raw,
and what if someone feel sick?
All these concern about viruses
is just in the last few years.
They've increased fourfold!
Food viruses,
bacterial viruses...
- And sexual ones?
- And the flu?
In fact, it's a disaster.
If I think of these kids who really
are risking their lives...
Alberto, it's not exactly like that,
but it's true
we've been fighting for years
for sex education in school.
Because you need to know
what you're doing before you start...
- Don't you think, love?
- Huh?
- Don't you?
- Yes, yes.
Did you know what you were doing
before your first time?
- Of course.
- And how was it?
In what sense?
Was it good?
Yes, it was with Giovanni.
My first wasn't with Marina.
Only from the point of view of age!
Shit.
Will you tell me about it?
Will I tell you about it?
Bianca, it's a little personal.
I don't know, it's been so long.
- Are you sure you want to hear it?
- If you don't mind, yeah.
All right, yeah.
MARINA
21 years old
Come on, cubs and ladybirds!
Come on, we've made it.
What's with these tired faces?
Come on, Franceschino.
Gosh, Akela, the cub's first night out
is so exciting.
It seems yesterday
they made their promise!
Goodness, the fears!
Listen, Bagheera, you stay with
the little ones and I'll see the lady.
OK, roger.
Lots of meat tonight,
the pack will be starving.
Com on, let's set up the camp.
- Marina!
- Mrs Bosco, how are you?
Let me give you a kiss.
Mother of god,
you're growing up.
You're an adult, now!
You're a real young lady.
How old are you now, 14?
- 21.
- 21?
Well, just fancy!
Well done, my little Marinella!
Right, tonight I've got homemade
fettuccine with meat sauce,
and then fried sausages
that are to die for.
- Eh, all right?
- Great!
What will we do for the camp?
The kids can't wait.
You'll have to see my son about that.
Giovanni.
Listen to what Marinella here
has to say.
Who's Marinella?
- I'll be inside, I've things to do.
- See you later.
Marina!
You've heard of love at first sight?
A century that lasts a second.
I was already over heels.
- Well, how are you.
- I'm fine, fine.
You're the leader?
Yeah, in a sense. I'm Akela.
Well, Akela...
What are your plans for today?
- Today?
- Yeah, today.
We have to set up the camp,
then we have survival training,
although I don't remember
where the river is!
What do you mean? You own the farm,
you passed in front of it.
I'll take you there.
- Really?
- Sure!
- Thank you!
- It's nothing.
We want to say one day
We'll see you again.
Goodbye, little brother.
- We'll be following you, soon.
- Wait a minute.
You too like Mowgli
Will grew and be a man...
You're a scout...
Have you god a Swiss Army knife?
Of course!
Here.
That's enough, now.
Thank you.
Right, guys, who's coming
to collect brambles with me?
- Me!
- Come on, let's go.
Bagheera, he's not entirely wrong.
Busy day for the little brothers.
Come on, cubs and ladybirds to sleep.
into your dens, come on.
Single file! Single file.
Are you turning in, Akela?
You go on, I'll catch you up.
Pack leaders
never leave their cubs.
I said I'll join you.
Yes, but excuse me...
Bagheera, no. It's an order.
I get it.
All right.
Well, you've no idea how I felt...
- Were you scared
- I'll say!
- No.
- No?
Because I felt he was
the right person for me.
If I offered this on the farm,
everyone would cancel.
Then we went for a walk.
There was the moonlight,
the crickets, absolute calm.
It was like it was all arranged.
You betrayed me, Akela.
You betrayed me!
-You remember, love?
-Of course, I do! Wild.
Then we started seeing each other.
But without the scouts,
and a safe distance from Bagheera!
Six months later
I was pregnant with Matteo.
That's wonderful... Stupendous!
Let's toast this love!
You mean Giovanni's
the only man you've been with?
Of course!
You never wanted to be
with someone else?
- No!
- Let her speak!
- So what virus did you get?
- Virus?
No, Bibi,
back then it was all much safer.
It's today that it's dangerous!
- Who's this beautiful girl?
- My daughter.
- Federico Gualerzi.
- Bianca.
Pleasure.
- How old are you, 20?
- 14!
- 15, Dad!
- Well, just.
That's something, Albertino...
- I hear you're a doctor now.
- Yes.
- Yes, a GP.
- Ah, a GP.
Bianca, Enzo Jannacci too
was a heart surgeon and worked as a GP.
- Who?
- Jannacci.
I played you him when you were a kid.
I never got Jannacci.
Yeah, after all,
he was only a genius.
Gianluca, get the order, please.
Let them try the watermelon petit pot.
It's fantastic.
Ready for the pasta?
We have egg past with crispy pork
and gorgonzola.
- When do we try the produce?
- What produce?
From the tasting.
How does it work?
We try them and if we like them,
we buy them?
There's been a misunderstanding.
The tasting was last week.
Today we're celebrating
the arrival of the new chef.
- The new chef?
- How can that be?
I don't know, sorry.
I get 200 invites a day by e-mail,
and the connection's
not great at the farm.
No, except for porn sites,
then it works fine.
- I thought you choose this place.
- We all did, it doesn't matter.
All right, we got it wrong.
- Will we hear the pasta list?
- Of course.
- Egg pasta...
- Stop!
- What?
- I need to eat. Sorry.
The situation's tricky.
Can you do an amatriciana?
- I can ask.
- No, I tell you.
Hot frying pan, no oil,
only jowl bacon,
tomato, salt, pepper,
and after 10 minutes, 200 grams of pasta.
200 grams, a proper portion,
not like them.
I'll pay for it.
What kind of pasta have you got?
We have kamut, organic spelt
and Gragnano.
Gragnano, perfect!
8 minutes, al dente,
place in the sauce and then pecorino,
lots of it!
- Two.
- Three!
- Sir? Spelt fusillos...
- No, I have to eat clean.
Bring me 80 grams of short pasta
and I'll put some oil on it.
And this Holy Spirit pasta for him.
Sorry, my husband's a bit exuberant.
The roulade was exquisite.
- I'll ask in the kitchen.
- Good, you ask. Gragnano!
- He understood.
- If you keep eating like that...
Santini!
- They're all there tonight.
- What are you doing here?
Who's this?
Irene De Angelis, a colleague.
- My daughter Bianca, Marina and Giovanni.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- I messed up.
I was meant to be meeting a friend...
- Late, as usual?
- No, wrong day! It's tomorrow!
- I'm in advance.
- Fancy.
So...
- What's that?
- Esophagus.
well, have a good evening.
I'll get myself an aperitif.
- Goodbye.
- Why not join us?
- No, she's busy.
- No, it wouldn't be right.
Yeah, see you next time.
- The more, the merrier, no?
- No, next time.
- I don't want to bother.
- Will I add a place?
- No, she's leaving.
- Yes, add.
- You can try the pol pot.
- Well, for a pol pot...
Pol Pot was a Cambodian revolutionary."Petit pot", maybe?
- It was a joke.
- So, you're Santini's daughter?
You're beautiful, my compliments!
Tell me you enjoy life
more than your father!
See? I'm always telling him
he doesn't have enough fun.
Of course.
- I need to go to the toilet.
- Go.
- So do you.
- No.
Yes, you need to go to the toilet.
Come on, hurry up. Let's go.
What is it? What's wrong?
Giovanni, why did you invite her
to sit down?
Excuse me, Alberto. Sorry, could you do me
a little plate of mixed fries?
- It's on that table back there, thanks.
- Right away.
Want one?
Triglycerides...
Please, Giovanni, come on.
OK, but your friend's right,
you need to chill.
She's not my friend, and you ruined
everything, asking her to join us.
She's cute!
Don't you understand?
This was meant to be just us.
Any outside interference
could be fatal!
And from Irene De Angelis...
You don't know her, she's a junky.
She practices voodoo on OAPs...
She has no values!
Still going on about values?
Can I tell you? You're old to the core!
- Where did you meet her?
- The OAP centre.
- Here you are.
- Thank you very much.
- Where did you meet her?
- The OAP centre.
I volunteer there once a month.
OK, but she's natural, nice, very cute.
Think about her, no? She's ideal
for you, she works with the OAPs!
- Look at how she's dressed!
- You judge a woman on her clothes?
You, who's still wearing tartan socks?
- Kennedy wore these as well.
- And they killed him!
Listen to you in your cowboy boots!
I live in the countryside!
Do you live in Scotland?
Put on a kilt as well!
This is classic you.
You've known her 10 minutes
and you've already decided
she's the right woman to replace my wife.
Wife? You split up ten years ago
and you still talk about your wife!
- You want to rebuild a life, or not?
- But when, Giovanni? Tell me!
Please, Giovanni, I'm begging you,
tonight let Marina speak, please.
- Shut up and let her speak, OK?
- All right.
- Go sit down, I'm going to the loo.
- On you go.
So you work in a Well Woman Clinic?
Interesting.
Well, yeah... very.
But they're not all happy stories.
No?
Young people are placing themselves
in ever more absurd situations.
Then they end up in a mess
and pay the price.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Such as?
Such as kids having sex way too soon.
It's a problem for this generation!
How early?
At 16, 15 even!
I imagine you've got solutions
to this serious problem?
- I brought some proper food.
- Thank you.
It is a serious problem, because
there are kids who get no guidance.
For example, we have a son, Matteo.
and we always spoke with him about it,
and he did it when he felt ready.
at 17.
- Sorry, what's your name?
- Irene.
Irene, we were talking about it
before you arrived.
We're fighting to increase awareness
in the schools.
Because sex education
should be something that's studied.
Not the anonymous book
to ask questions again!
She says it too,
maybe this is the right age,
it's not necessarily wrong.
What are we talking about?
- Alberto, your friend...
- Colleague.
Colleague.
She says it's natural to have sex
when you're practically still a child!
Sorry, De Angelis, don't you have
to meet your friends somewhere?
Dad, your manners!
I know him, he's joking,
aren't you, Santini?
Yes, of course.
Dad, can you get two sex on the beach
for me and your friend?
No, love, I won't bring you and
your friend two thingy on the beach.
It's alcoholic, you're underage
and it's against the law!
I'll get one, we can share.
- Excuse me, a sex on the beach.
- A little.
Yes... a little.
- Alberto said you work together.
- Yeah.
What's your field?
- I'm a psychologist.
- A psychologist? This is great!
Why?
No, nothing, for the meal,
'cos you're all doctors.
If you're a psychologist, you'll know
some topics need special attention.
How old were you your first time?
Me?
I was 16.
A different era.
Don't make me think about it,
it was mad.
Doubtless!
Mad how, sorry?
You don't expect me to talk about it
in front of everyone?
I don't even know them!
Exactly, we don't know each other,
forget it.
Bye.
It was my last day in Italy.
I was about to leave for the US where
I'd live with my family for 10 years.
I was really anxious, but there was
one thing I knew for sure.
I was going to lose my virginity
in my own country!
It didn't matter who with,
but I had to do it in Italy!
The problem was finding the right guy.
Too pained...
..too Jamaica...
..bored aristo, please!
And then, there was him.
I cruise around this Ancient Rome.
Gotta look your best
to ride my chariot home.
There's loadsa talent queuing up.
Form a line, if you wanna sup.
You wanna be friends, lil goosey,
but I'm only thinking about your...
I know, he was a bit blunt maybe,
but he was interesting...
And he had one other great quality.
He was best friends with Simone,
a dick who dumped me 3 months before.
IRENE
16 years old
- Hey.
- Hi.
I'd say that's enough, no?
What d'you mean?
I'm going to Amsterdam.
Amsterdam... What about us?
I'll write to you from there.
See ya, babe.
He said he'll write to me
from Amsterdam, at least he'll explain.
Wake up, Irene!
He'll send you some dope...
- Hey.
- Oh, Irene, hi.
Hold this a mo'.
- You wanna come in?
- Sure.
See you later, Lo.
- Welcome to my kingdom. Come in.
- Yeah, OK.
- Hey, bro', how's hanging?
- Look at Fabietto, great!
- How are you?
- Fine.
- Sure?
- Yeah.
- Let's go. It's all yours.
- All ours?
- Is it clean, at least?
- Yeah.
Yeah...
- You ready?
- Yeah, of course.
Come in!
Eh? Not bad!
Whose place is this?
It's kind of everyone's,
whoever's here.
Will you bring me
a thingy on the beach as well?
And then what happened?
After that, things only got worse.
- You fancy a drink?
- Mh-hm.
Go.
- One... one, two. Hungry?
- A little, yeah.
Sit down.
I'll open it.
Thank you.
How is it?
OK, where'd you get it?
It's new to me.
The discount store, it's Peruvian.
Lovely...
Isn't it?
I'll play you one of mine.
Free style Fabio.
For Irene.
What's with the face,
it's just cheap lager,
What did you expect, gold,
frankincense and myrrh?
You've still to see
the real gift you've got
And if you really want it,
you're in the right spot.
Well?
- Sweet.
- What did I do for you?
- Where are we eating?
- Here. You'll see.
I'll sort it.
Bread? Ham?
No, I'll take some bread.
Look at this.
Look at the color of this.
- In the US, you'll dream of ham.
- Yeah.
You really are a babe.
I mean it.
Come on.
You want a condom?
Usually, when I make love with someone
the first one, I don't use one.
Use the condom.
All right, all right.
Fabio!
Oh, Fabio.
Who is it?
Me, Irene.
- What's up?
- Listen, I need to go.
Ok, then.
Listen, Irene, I was thinking...
Let's not mention this to Simone, OK?
Why not?
He'd lose it, you know how he is.
See you next summer, then?
Yeah, I think so.
- You'll like it more next time.
- Sure.
A disaster, basically.
But at least I can say I did it
with a guy who then become a teen idol!
- Who was he?
- Fabio Puccioni, later MC Gozer.
- What?
- You know him?
You're so cool!
Bianca, you like Gozer?
Like him? I love Gozer.
Irene, please, tell me from the beginning.
- I think we've heard enough.
- Total respect!
See, Marina? Making love
was a project for her like it was for you.
No, no, honey,
I meant project in another sense.
In what sense?
A project in wider term,
a project for life, non a location.
Not a location?
There are things you can't plan.
- Listen to who's talking?
- That's crazy.
- Marina, now...
- Irene.
Irene's right.
There are things you can't plan.
Giovanni, apart from the fact
you and I planned absolutely nothing,
I don't think you found
my plans for life revolting.
No, not revolting. No.
Mind you,
all the post-its stuck on the fridge
with everything to do,
including whet to go to the loo,
I mean it, the kitchen's full!
You know that.
Ah, he's being funny.
Good for you.
What am I, then?
Boring, a planner...?
A bit of a planner...
If I were you,
I wouldn't shit on my own doorstep!
What doorstep?
The farm, Giovanni.
She's talking about the farm.
- You're throwing it in my face?
- If you make me.
- I don't think you can complain.
- Or you!
You run my farm-
Are you the boss, or not?
- Ready for the next course?
- Go ahead.
- We have veal, cod with...
- Cod!
Cod for everyone, no weird creams.
Cod. Go on.
Thank you.
Bibi, why is Lisa sending you texts
at this time of night?
It's not Lisa, it's Mum wanting
to know what I'm doing.
Now she's asking!
Women are all the same.
Tell her you're at dinner with Dad
and he's explaining stuff to you.
Right, Alberto?
- Are you mad?
- What are you explaining to me?
Nothing. I'm going to kill you.
Giovanni says
you need to explain stuff to me.
- It's just an expression.
- An expression.
What are you on about?
Is this not for your birthday?
Of course.
Sure... as well.
It's just that, since the topic came up...
Your dad wanted to explain to you
that there are steps in life...
..where things happen
or are about to happen...
..and so a parent can speak
with their child
to understand how the child is going
to deal with those stages.
There.
You read my diary.
Yes...
How could you?
By accident, love.
You'll be angry.
But the point isn't that I read it,
but what I read!
That explains the viruses, all
that shit... you're all in this together!
- Bianca, it's not always wrong.
- Well...
If a father is concerned for his daughter
at such an important moment,
that seems fair enough!
Dad, I didn't expect this from you,
and what's this to you?
No, Bibi. Sorry, love. I know
it's not easy being young sometimes,
That you'd like to go from 10 to 30
to avoid this torture...
First love, first house,
having to wear this armor...
"Having to wear this armor"...
That's a Jovanotti song!
- You know it?
- Yeah, but I was 12.
I'm out of here.
No, Bibi, wait a moment, please.
Stop calling me Bibi!
My name is Bianca, Dad!
Who's going to go and get her?
- I'll go.
- Don't move.
- Marina, please.
- I'll go.
What?
Do you realize what you've done?
And you asked me
why I didn't want him here?
Alberto, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I lost it a bit with Marina
and it just slipped out.
Yeah.
She's smoking as well!
- Alberto, I made a mistake.
- Yeah.
But if you'll let me give you some advice,
you need to ease off a bit.
Meaning?
Meaning parents have to ease off
sometimes with their children...
Ease off, Alberto, ease off!
Because then we get it wrong...
- We quote Jovanotti.
- So?
I like him, eh? I mean, he's good,
but maybe for them he's old.
OK, but how do I get out of this mess?
Albertino, what have you done?
- Oh, you haven't change a bit!
- Yeah.
Physically, yeah, but that's normal.
You'd drop yourself in it
30 years ago as well!
- May I?
- On you go.
Excuse me.
Another!
This chef's good, eh? I pinched him
from Dolce and Gabbana's yacht...
They'll be missing him...
So, 30 years?
You've known each other 30 years?
We were at secondary together!
So you've got a family,
well done, Albertino! Well done!
But they didn't catch me!
Let me quote
the great Alberto Sordi...
"Why am I not married?
What, and have a stranger in the house?"
- That's a good one.
- It's old.
But still valid,
and the statistics support me.
- Two out of three marriages fail!
- Not everyone's the same.
Present company excluded.
Bianca!
- Is this your wife?
- No, I'm just a colleague.
Thank you.
Just a colleague...
Federico Gualerzi, I own this place.
I'm only here
because today's your birthday.
- Yesterday.
- All right, yesterday.
Bianca, did you know this man
and Dad were at school together?
- Get away!
- Yeah.
But we didn't hang out.
What was he like at school?
Top of the class?
Well, we called him Notre Dame,
like the hunchback.
Always bent over a book, on his own,
shy, really sweet, Notre Dame.
I'll tell you this, to get a laugh,
he'd play Robot Man...
- You remember that?
- No.
Robot Man.
I am a robot, I am a robot.
Do it, Notre Dame!
I am a robot, I am a robot.
He was so good,
he put up with everything,
the jokes, the mickey-taking...
Remember when we called you
at 2 in the morning
and played the music from "Deep Red"?
And he was...
I can really see it,
Dad as the nerd...
Never getting anywhere
with the girls...
Alberto, don't be offended.
It was 30 years ago, we were kids!
- Yeah.
- Never getting anywhere, not quite.
Obviously, you had some success.
Why don't you tell us
one of your adventures?
- Bianca, what are you saying?
- I'm saying...
What I'm saying is, why don't you
tell us about your first time?
Since you're so curious
to know how mine is going to go
I'll have the right to know
how yours went, no?
How do you think it went?
Yes, it's true, I was a nerd.
A total loser, I'd say.
But like all losers, I was good at school
ad sometimes gave lessons.
Saturn, the sixth planet
of the solar system,
takes 29.5 years to orbit the Sun!
Bea?
Bloody hell!
How much is that? Lots?
ALBERTO
19 years old
To give you an idea,
29 years divided by 12
makes 2 years, 5 months and 12 days.
This means if Saturn's against you,
you'll be in opposition to your sign
of the zodiac for two years!
Do you understand how slow Saturn is?
Because it's far from the Sun!
That's why I haven't got one right
in two years! What about Venus?
No, Venus is a fast planet,
'cos it's second nearest to the sun.
- While the first is...?
- Pluto?
No! Mercury's the nearest,
while Pluto is the furthest.
It takes 248 years to orbit the Sun.
If it goes against you,
you'll be a grandmother!
I swear, Alberto, I could talk with you
about these things for ever.
You should be an astrologist!
An astronomer, maybe.
Anyway, I want to be a surgeon.
- A doctor?
- No! I said a surgeon.
A doctor studies for six years.
A surgeon studies six years of medicine
and six of surgery...
- It's quite different. Got it?
- You kill me!
Sorry, but was it not your birthday
yesterday, Notre Dame?
Yes. How do you know?
They made you think you'd a surprise party
and then nobody came?
Yeah, they played that trick.
Let's eat together, then.
I'll give you a party...!
You're Aries, I'm Libra, opposites,
we get on like a house on fire!
You say? Have you not got something
to do with your boyfriend?
I argued with the bastard!
- What, you not fancy the idea?
- No, no!
- No? Yes, I mean!
- What time are your folks home?
They're at Santa Cecilia,
the Beethoven Festival, "The 9th",
so 75 minutes...
But first there's the "Egmont Ouverture"
which is 11, a total of 86 minutes.
Then 18 minutes of interval,
they say 15, but it's always 18,
then the time to get home,
the garage will be closed...
- What time is it?
- It's 8 PM.
So 60 minutes starting from now,
the concert starts at 9...
We've got 210 minutes!
- So, 4 hours!
- It's 3 hours 30, really.
Perfect. What's there to eat?
Tray...
Lots of good stuff!
Yeah, Bea, careful,
it's all my mothers...
- This is a paté de foie gras.
- A bit of bread.
- To drink?
- What do you want?
- What's this yellow stuff?
- Cedar juice, it's good.
- What can we celebrate with that?
- I don't know. What do you want?
Badia Coltibuono, what's this like?
- That's an '81 Badia Coltibuono.
- I'll get the glasses.
Yeah, but hang on,
I want popcorn as well.
- Popcorn?
- Yes, popcorn.
If you like...
She must have felt sorry for me.
I must have seemed different
to the others... Yeah, sure.
The thing is, that was my chance.
Nice little march!
Classical music reminds me
of my grandfather...
It's "Carmen".
A toast?
All the best.
Wow! What a little househusband.
You want me to stay here all week?
Yeah, we could do like
i "The Big Feast".
It's a famous film by Ferreri.
Ah, Ferreri, the chocolates guy, yeah?
Yes, he's a director as well.
And that day
I stopped eating popcorn.
The girl was on the ball, eh?
Where did you find her, Notre Dame?
- Where did I find her?
- Yeah.
At your house.
- My house?
- Yeah. You know who she was?
- Who was she?
- Bea!
And we were doing it behind your back
every afternoon for 3 months!
You remember when you went on holiday,
when you played 8-a-side,
remember you got to the final
at Sant'Onofrio?
- Yeah, we won.
- Well done!
You won, and Bea was having fun.
Sorry, who was Bea?
His girlfriend!
Finding out 30 years later
must be a blow, eh?
What are you saying, Alberto...?
Oh, I'm Alberto now, not Notre Dame?
I'll tell you something else,
you're jaundiced.
- I'm what?
- Jaundiced, you're yellow.
- You checked your transaminases?
- No.
Do it, and then tell me how your liver is
with all you drink!
I better go, I've got a lot to do.
What matters is that you ate well.
Now you're asking for trouble!
Well done, Alberto, that's the way.
He overdid a bit.
I don't think I did well.
I wasn't any good.
I was always late for everything.
Bianca, when I was your age,
all my friends had scooters.
I had a bike.
When they had motorbikes,
I'd a scooter.
Then they had cars,
but I didn't get a motorbike,
because my mother said,
"No motorbikes, I'm scared!"
They sneaked off to sleep with girls,
and the first night I spent out the house
was at Santa Cecilia
to queue for tickets
for Beethoven's "9th"
conducted by Carlo Maria Giulini...
And it was the night
of the '82 World Cup Final!
What's that got to do with anything?
Everything. I never had anything
in common with others.
Maybe I was ahead,
maybe I was behind, I don't know,
but I was out of time.
And that's why
I'm worried about you, today.
So what should I do
so as not to worry you?
Like you, out of revenge?
Revenge, my love? I knew nothing,
I understood nothing!
I didn't even know she was with him!
I've never been fly
and if I ever was, it was by mistake.
My whole life'
Good morning!
- Good morning, doctor.
- Here we are.
- Here you go.
- Your coffee!
Careful.
Mrs De Pisis' lipstick!
Oh, God. Sorry, doctor.
It's the dishwasher.
- 'Cos you don't use detergent.
- What?
No, because I can't smell any.
I'm sure you're just using
hot water and salt.
- We use the one in the ad!
- Yeah, all right.
How do you know
it's Mrs De Pisis' lipstick?
Right.
First, the lipstick
is to the right of the handle.
So she's a left-hander.
Second, among the clients of this bar,
only Mrs De Pisis
uses periwinkle-blue lipstick.
- You do notice everything, Doctor.
- Well, yes.
- And what should I think?
- Nothing, Mrs De Pisis. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
- Good morning, Dr. Santini.
- Oh, good morning, Mrs. Sgarzini.
Lovely to see you again, doctor.
- Has it been a month?
- Time flies, huh? It really does.
See you later.
- Doctor, good morning!
- God.
Just a moment, give me a hand.
Let me remind you I'm here
for people of a certain age!
- You're a youngster!
- What? It's sore, Doctor.
Please, take a look.
What is it, a 125?
I'm not with you.
This is a typical 125 scooter injury.
The shock absorbers.
That's why I have a 300.
Yeah, I do have a 125.
Yeah, and now you've got a hernia
as well, L5-S1. Bye!
Doctor, wait.
Doctor!
OAP CENTER
- Do I need an operation?
- You don't operate on the L5-S1.
So, what should I do?
Lose 30 kilos, painkillers
and two months of physiotherapy.
Then go and see a doctor,
but not me! OK?
What are you doing?
Abandoning me?
I don't have time!
I don't believe it!
I'll call you later. Yeah. Bye.
What are you doing here?
I'm sorry, I was late this morning
and didn't see all my patient.
Yeah, because you'll have been out
'til 4 in the morning, De Angelis!
Oh, God, Santini!
I can update their psychological profiles,
while you see them.
Yeah, just what we need.
How many today?
- Lots.
- Who?
- Mrs Orlandi.
- Great!
Mrs Orlandi, come in.
Here I am.
In you come.
- Good morning, Doctor.
- Good morning.
Giovanna!
Irene! What a lovely surprise.
It's great to see you.
Good morning.
Sit here on the bed,
raise your pullover.
- Well, Giovanna, how are you?
- How are you "madam".
Not too bad.
Hubby?
Your husband.
- Everything's OK?
- Everything's fine.
I did what you said.
I went to speak with the...
- Admin people.
- Lie down, madam.
They made me pay the perpetual light
for ten years,
so I don't need to worry.
- Your husband will be pleased.
- Too true!
His grave's so clean,
it's like he died yesterday.
Sit up, madam.
- What about your niece?
- Your niece, Madam.
I'm a bit worried about her,
to be honest.
These exams are murder.
Mrs Orlandi, instead
of talking about your niece's exams,
can we concentrate on yours?
You have to realize that
you can't have three full meals a day.
but divide one full meal
over the arc of the day.
For example, carbohydrates at lunch
and protein at dinner.
Otherwise, your diabetes will increase.
- No little dessert?
- A chocolate sweet, maybe.
And the sambuca Irene gave me?
What sambuca?
Nothing, she really likes it.
One finger!
Good.
Now for a last time
close your eyes.
Great, now he'll be stuck there.
Deep breath.
That's us!
- So, how do you feel?
- Great!
I feel... lighter.
- Thanks. See you next month.
- All right.
Where are you going?
I have to give you a check-up.
Doc, I feel great.
See you next month.
Not even a goodbye.
He said it, not me, eh?
- Yeah, fine.
- Yeah, fine, what?
- You've got it easy.
- What?
You give people sambuca,
you're informal with 90-years-old,
soul therapy, really professional,
my compliments!
You're really old-fashioned, Santini,
like all doctors.
Old-fashioned!
Because you didn't study physiology.
If you had, you'd known that doctors
should be loved and that's all.
But what do you know?
You studied whatsit psychology in America.
Transpersonal psychology.
Yeah, a degree that's not even
recognized in Italy!
Yeah, 'cos Italian degrees
open your mind, eh, Santini?
- You're the classic example.
- Am I?
- Mrs Orlandi is 80.
- So?
If she drinks one sambuca more
and lives one day less, what changes?
All right, see you next month. Bye.
Maybe before that, Santini,
maybe at the Santa Cecilia Auditorium.
Yeah, yeah,
listen to your druggy music!
Coming.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Carla.
My daughter?
Bibi's late.
OK, I'll wait.
The lady of the house?
- Left this morning, back on Monday.
- Silly question!
Carla, do what you've got to do.
OK.
Poppy...
OK, it's just for her homework.
She wrote no assignments.
"Papo's birthday", sweet.
"A year ago,
Lisa did it for the first time."
"I thought it would never
have happened to me. But instead..."
"Life is now"?
"Let's hope it doesn't end
the way it did for Lisa!"
"But I don't think so."
Life is now...
What?
But...
"Fuck".
What?
"Bianca and Lisa forever friends."
"With you I share every joy
and every pain."
Oh, God!
Again?
What...?
Right...
Bianca.
No.
Papo.
Of course!
Poppy.
Well, Mami, no?
Don't tell me...
Fuck.
Fuck.
Don't tell me.
What's that?
Come on, Lisa.
Oh, Bi, I just sat down on the sofa,
and look what I found
under the cushion!
Condoms!
They're still here!
If my dad had found them...!
Bi, it's your turn, now, huh?
" it's your turn, now."
It's not your turn, it's not your turn!
- Alberto, what is it?
- Marta, we need to talk.
It's awful,
Bianca's about to make love!
Of course she is, she is 15.
In fact, I think she already has.
No.
I read her diary.
Her diary?
That's not ok,
you should never read people's diaries!
That's not the point,
I'm saying she hasn't,
'cos it was yesterday's page
which was my birthday,
which must mean something.
Yes, happy birthday.
What are you on about?
I'm talking about Bianca!
She says she doesn't want
to end up like Lisa.
Who's Lisa, do you know her?
Alberto, I don't know,
I'll call you back.
- Hello?
- Marina, Alberto. Dinner tonight?
- But I'm...
- No, see you at Masolino at 7:30.
- I've got a tasting.
- A tasting?
- Can't you skip it?
- No.
All right, I'll come to you,
it's a tragedy!
You shouldn't have read her diary,
Alberto.
All right, but that's not the point.
Marina, heart in hand, please...
I'd like you to explain to my daughter
whose godmother you are.
that she's about to make
an enormous mistake.
15 is too young to make love
for the first time.
Yes, but where do I come in?
How can I help you, Alberto?
You have principles, values, you're
a gynecologist at a Well Woman clinic.
You know everything,
you've seen everything.
If you can't solve
this sort of problem, eh!
Problem?
- A step.
- A crossing, more like!
Her friend Lisa sends her
videos with condoms!
I fell sick just thinking about it!
How will you bring this up
with Bianca?
It's all organized.
She's coming here.
Come on, all right?
All right.
God, just as well. Thanks, Mari!
I knew I could count on you.
- But keep calm, Alberto.
- Yeah.
I'll calm down, we'll sort this
and I'll be really calm.
- We'll just wait for Giovanni and...
- What... Giovanni?
Of course, it's a tasting for the farm.
What did you expect?
- Couldn't you have told me?
- You wouldn't let me speak!
I know, but we're already
in this dump, I don't know.
which Bianca will hate,
and Giovanni's here too,
it'll be a disaster!
He likes you, don't be like that.
Come on, Marina, you and I are in sync,
Giovanni's not.
You know that!
If you hadn't help him with the farm...
Come on!
Don't say that now, come on.
You did well,
you helped him out of love.
but he's not one of us,
he doesn't speak our language.
Bianca has to speak with you,
not Giovanni.
because Giovanni has no concept
of what's going on.
You're wrong!
You've always undervalued him.
Yeah, sure.
Can I have a prosecco, please?
No, three!
- Albertone, how are you? OK?
- Fine, thanks.
Guys, parking round here is impossible,
it's terrifying.
Because they've installed the meters,
but not any actual parking.
Yeah...
- What are you doing here anyway?
- Nothing, I wanted...
You want to open a farm holiday home,
as well? It's not for you!
Giovanni, Alberto's worried,
He needs our help.
He read Bianca's diary.
Alberto, you should never read
your children's diaries.
In an extreme situation,
a father can, all right?
All right, all right, all right.
But if she catches you,
remember diaries are like infidelities:
deny everything.
Then if you want to do it,
do it properly, check her computer.
Done it.
I won't tell you the password
and what I found on it.
Giovanni, did you hear me?
Alberto's worried.
He's discovered Bianca's about
to lose her virginity.
So?
- See?
- Giovanni, what are you saying?
What am I saying?
Not everyone's as dopey
at that age as you were!
And you as well, Alberto, at 16,
you wanted to do it, didn't you?
What's that got to do with anything?
And Bianca's 15.
And what do you care?
You've got a son.
Think about it, a daughter,
someone approaches her.
I swear, if he's a football hooligan
or a junky, I'll kill him!
- So she'll be a 40 year-old virgin?
- Why not?
And where are they doing it,
I'd like to know...
Everywhere, Alberto, everywhere.
In the disco, at the bowling,
on the bus...
- On the bus?
- On the bus.
Can I give you some advice?
Let her use your place.
My place? Bianca?
Bianca!
- Hi, Dad.
- I wasn't expecting you.
Didn't I say? Mum's in Rome,
this weekend I'm with you.
- Hey, Alberto!
- What? Who are you?
Ok, we'll go to your room.
No...
Not my place!
No, please...
Giovanni, please.
All right.
Come, Alberto, come.
- You come as well.
- Yes, I'm coming!
Listen, Alberto, are you sure
we can talk to your daughter Bianca?
- She thinks we're old.
- Exactly, we are old.
Which reminds me,
yesterday was my birthday.
- Sorry!
- A phone call, maybe?
What's today's date?
Whatever, there's no better excuse
to all be here with her.
We'll tell her it's for my birthday.
OK?
- Let's toast this concerned daddy, then.
- OK...
Happy birthday!
- How old are you? I don't remember!
- Precisely.
Alberto, you have to understand
your daughter's ready, now.
Kids at 15 do everything,
they know everything.
They've got YouPorn,
Chatroulette, Badoo..
What's the other one?
They've got Internet.
Look what I found in today's paper.
I photocopied it.
You're not missing any, eh?
- What?
- Porn sites.
- You know them all, how come?
- Listen.
Let's listen.
Letter to the paper's doctor.
From someone signing simply as Worried.
I'm 21 and have had
a boyfriend for a year." Fine.
"I found myself next to him
in my underwear,"
Well...
"And he ejaculated,
messing up his jeans."
"Leaving aside the legends,
can you get pregnant without penetration?"
"Luckily my period had just finished
and I might not be fertile..."
Who was he, Harry Potter?
They don't know everything, see?
They know nothing!
- She's a one-off.
- Really?
- Don't worry, we're here, we'll help you.
- Yeah.
Tell me, where do you eat here?
That's a serious problem.
I'll go and find out.
- Come on.
- Excuse-me...
There's three of us,
and someone else to arrive.
- Four?
- Yes.
- Is this all right?
- Perfect.
Alberto, Marina!
Here we are.
- Good evening.
- To you.
- Will I sit here? All right?
- Yes...
Alberto at the head of the table,
it's his birthday.
- It's his day.
- Fine.
- It's a nice place, though, eh?
- Well...
- Why?
I'm not sure if it's the right place
to discuss these things with Bianca.
There's too much noise and confusion.
I want a different table.
- Excuse-me.
- No problem.
See?
Hang on a moment.
Excuse-me?
Sorry, I don't believe it!
Tell me it's you.
Alberto Santini!
- Federico Gualerzi, how are you?
- Great.
What are you doing here?
I bought this place a few months ago.
I'm really pleased to see you.
Federico, can you do me a favor?
We need a table
with a little more privacy.
- No problem.
- Thanks.
Gianluca, please, they're friends.
- The table at the back.
- Right away.
- I'll be over, later.
- All right.
- We're changing table.
- How do you know him?
- I'll explain. Come on...
- Where?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Here.
- Where...
Me here, you there, Marina here.
Come on.
- I'll be right with you.
- Thank you.
So I'm next to Bianca. You look at her,
no point me looking at her.
Yes.
No, you and I should change places.
Come on, Giovanni.
The gaze of her gaze,
the paternal gaze.
It's best I look her in the eye,
come on.
- OK?
- Oh, yes, fine.
This is what I propose.
Let her bring it up,
so if she asks a question,
she'll listen to the answer.
Excuse me, a Ribolla.
Listen, Marina,
it's best you look at her.
Giovanni, move again.
- You go here.
- Here?
- Yes, like that.
- Come on.
Right, there we are.
- All right?
- Fine.
Right, I'll skirt round the subject
and talk about your son Matteo,
who's going out
with that very pretty girl.
- What's her name?
- Valentina.
- How long have they been together?
- About a year.
If Bianca notices this trap...
What are you saying? What trap?
- Are they happy together?
- Yes.
They love each other?
- What's her name?
- Valentina.
- Nice.
- We've been lucky, Giovanni.
Lucky!
It took a real effort with Matteo.
Alberto, when a mother has a healthy way
of communicating with a child...
You get the fruits... I know!
But Bianca might as well
not have a mother,
you know my ex-wife, no?
No interest in the human race.
Anyway, as I was saying,
I'll speak about your son Matteo,
and then I'll quote a magazine
that arrived today
that speaks about a series
of new very dangerous viruses
that are transmitted sexually.
- We didn't get that.
- Neither did I.
- It doesn't exist, Marina.
- Got you!
- But I'll talk to her about it.
- Right.
Just as well.
I've also prepared a series
of really good aids for you,
because I heard a couple of songs
that speak about young people.
I can imagine it.
Young people listen
to what'shisname?
He performed the other night
near our house.
Kept us up all night, the rapper,
what's he called?
- Gozer.
- Gozer!
Who's Gozer?
What are you saying, Giovanni?
He's obscene.
His lyrics are all about arses and cocks,
really obscene.
Bianca would never listen to that.
Bianca is all sweetness and light.
Sometimes, the sweetness and light ones
are the most... Whatch out!
- Bianca!
- Hi, Dad.
My love.
- Hi, Bianca!
- Hi, Giovanni.
Goodness, you've become a woman!
What? She's a girl!
Hi, Marina.
She's grown up!
I didn't know you were coming.
- Neither did we, till the last minute.
- Shut up...
This place is really cool.
You like it?
It's a place I found, young, modern...
Trendy!
- What are you saying?
- All I said was "trendy".
Anyway... you see the surprise
they arranged for me?
I thought of organizing a dinner
for my birthday.
Birthday?
- What, you wrote it down.
- Eh?
I'm such a moron,
now she'll know I read her diary!
Sorry, yesterday was my birthday, no?
- So it is, April 4th, Papo, sorry.
- No, love, no.
April 4th is today,
my birthday's the 3rd.
- All right, Dad.
- It's OK.
- How are you, love?
- Fine, Matteo?
- At dinner with Valentina's parents.
- Ah, see?
Matteo is something.
This Valentina,
how long have they been together?
- A year.
- Ah, a year?
That's so sweet.
This is a young man
who has certain values.
- Alberto...
- All right, OK.
- Who are you writing to, love?
- Nobody, a friend, Lisa.
- Lisa?
- A toast!
We haven't done one with Bianca!
All right, I'll give you a little,
just a drop!
Look each other in the eyes
and don't cross glasses.
- All the best!
- To me!
Go on.
Here we are.
To start,
we have a roulade of Kobe beef,
with a micro caponata
and balsamic and blueberry reduction.
Or mini swordfish burger
with a tomato and cashew sauce.
and a courgette, mozzarella
and date tomatoes bake.
Well?
- We have to order?
- Yes.
A starter for everyone?
No, everyone can order
what they like.
- For me, the courgette bake.
- The bake.
- The kobe.
- Fine.
Yeah but the portions, you know...
Mini, micro, reductions. Please!
Don't worry, I'll deal with that.
- We also have raw... a tuna tartare.
- No, no, please, no!
I like raw!
- No! The raw fish virus...
- The virus...
Ah, the virus!
The virus is really bad.
I can't.
Right, then... a mini burger?
One mini burger.
- Three.
- Three mini burgers.
- For you, sir?
- No, nothing for me, thanks.
Than you.
I'd have taken the tuna, but it's raw,
and what if someone feel sick?
All these concern about viruses
is just in the last few years.
They've increased fourfold!
Food viruses,
bacterial viruses...
- And sexual ones?
- And the flu?
In fact, it's a disaster.
If I think of these kids who really
are risking their lives...
Alberto, it's not exactly like that,
but it's true
we've been fighting for years
for sex education in school.
Because you need to know
what you're doing before you start...
- Don't you think, love?
- Huh?
- Don't you?
- Yes, yes.
Did you know what you were doing
before your first time?
- Of course.
- And how was it?
In what sense?
Was it good?
Yes, it was with Giovanni.
My first wasn't with Marina.
Only from the point of view of age!
Shit.
Will you tell me about it?
Will I tell you about it?
Bianca, it's a little personal.
I don't know, it's been so long.
- Are you sure you want to hear it?
- If you don't mind, yeah.
All right, yeah.
MARINA
21 years old
Come on, cubs and ladybirds!
Come on, we've made it.
What's with these tired faces?
Come on, Franceschino.
Gosh, Akela, the cub's first night out
is so exciting.
It seems yesterday
they made their promise!
Goodness, the fears!
Listen, Bagheera, you stay with
the little ones and I'll see the lady.
OK, roger.
Lots of meat tonight,
the pack will be starving.
Com on, let's set up the camp.
- Marina!
- Mrs Bosco, how are you?
Let me give you a kiss.
Mother of god,
you're growing up.
You're an adult, now!
You're a real young lady.
How old are you now, 14?
- 21.
- 21?
Well, just fancy!
Well done, my little Marinella!
Right, tonight I've got homemade
fettuccine with meat sauce,
and then fried sausages
that are to die for.
- Eh, all right?
- Great!
What will we do for the camp?
The kids can't wait.
You'll have to see my son about that.
Giovanni.
Listen to what Marinella here
has to say.
Who's Marinella?
- I'll be inside, I've things to do.
- See you later.
Marina!
You've heard of love at first sight?
A century that lasts a second.
I was already over heels.
- Well, how are you.
- I'm fine, fine.
You're the leader?
Yeah, in a sense. I'm Akela.
Well, Akela...
What are your plans for today?
- Today?
- Yeah, today.
We have to set up the camp,
then we have survival training,
although I don't remember
where the river is!
What do you mean? You own the farm,
you passed in front of it.
I'll take you there.
- Really?
- Sure!
- Thank you!
- It's nothing.
We want to say one day
We'll see you again.
Goodbye, little brother.
- We'll be following you, soon.
- Wait a minute.
You too like Mowgli
Will grew and be a man...
You're a scout...
Have you god a Swiss Army knife?
Of course!
Here.
That's enough, now.
Thank you.
Right, guys, who's coming
to collect brambles with me?
- Me!
- Come on, let's go.
Bagheera, he's not entirely wrong.
Busy day for the little brothers.
Come on, cubs and ladybirds to sleep.
into your dens, come on.
Single file! Single file.
Are you turning in, Akela?
You go on, I'll catch you up.
Pack leaders
never leave their cubs.
I said I'll join you.
Yes, but excuse me...
Bagheera, no. It's an order.
I get it.
All right.
Well, you've no idea how I felt...
- Were you scared
- I'll say!
- No.
- No?
Because I felt he was
the right person for me.
If I offered this on the farm,
everyone would cancel.
Then we went for a walk.
There was the moonlight,
the crickets, absolute calm.
It was like it was all arranged.
You betrayed me, Akela.
You betrayed me!
-You remember, love?
-Of course, I do! Wild.
Then we started seeing each other.
But without the scouts,
and a safe distance from Bagheera!
Six months later
I was pregnant with Matteo.
That's wonderful... Stupendous!
Let's toast this love!
You mean Giovanni's
the only man you've been with?
Of course!
You never wanted to be
with someone else?
- No!
- Let her speak!
- So what virus did you get?
- Virus?
No, Bibi,
back then it was all much safer.
It's today that it's dangerous!
- Who's this beautiful girl?
- My daughter.
- Federico Gualerzi.
- Bianca.
Pleasure.
- How old are you, 20?
- 14!
- 15, Dad!
- Well, just.
That's something, Albertino...
- I hear you're a doctor now.
- Yes.
- Yes, a GP.
- Ah, a GP.
Bianca, Enzo Jannacci too
was a heart surgeon and worked as a GP.
- Who?
- Jannacci.
I played you him when you were a kid.
I never got Jannacci.
Yeah, after all,
he was only a genius.
Gianluca, get the order, please.
Let them try the watermelon petit pot.
It's fantastic.
Ready for the pasta?
We have egg past with crispy pork
and gorgonzola.
- When do we try the produce?
- What produce?
From the tasting.
How does it work?
We try them and if we like them,
we buy them?
There's been a misunderstanding.
The tasting was last week.
Today we're celebrating
the arrival of the new chef.
- The new chef?
- How can that be?
I don't know, sorry.
I get 200 invites a day by e-mail,
and the connection's
not great at the farm.
No, except for porn sites,
then it works fine.
- I thought you choose this place.
- We all did, it doesn't matter.
All right, we got it wrong.
- Will we hear the pasta list?
- Of course.
- Egg pasta...
- Stop!
- What?
- I need to eat. Sorry.
The situation's tricky.
Can you do an amatriciana?
- I can ask.
- No, I tell you.
Hot frying pan, no oil,
only jowl bacon,
tomato, salt, pepper,
and after 10 minutes, 200 grams of pasta.
200 grams, a proper portion,
not like them.
I'll pay for it.
What kind of pasta have you got?
We have kamut, organic spelt
and Gragnano.
Gragnano, perfect!
8 minutes, al dente,
place in the sauce and then pecorino,
lots of it!
- Two.
- Three!
- Sir? Spelt fusillos...
- No, I have to eat clean.
Bring me 80 grams of short pasta
and I'll put some oil on it.
And this Holy Spirit pasta for him.
Sorry, my husband's a bit exuberant.
The roulade was exquisite.
- I'll ask in the kitchen.
- Good, you ask. Gragnano!
- He understood.
- If you keep eating like that...
Santini!
- They're all there tonight.
- What are you doing here?
Who's this?
Irene De Angelis, a colleague.
- My daughter Bianca, Marina and Giovanni.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- I messed up.
I was meant to be meeting a friend...
- Late, as usual?
- No, wrong day! It's tomorrow!
- I'm in advance.
- Fancy.
So...
- What's that?
- Esophagus.
well, have a good evening.
I'll get myself an aperitif.
- Goodbye.
- Why not join us?
- No, she's busy.
- No, it wouldn't be right.
Yeah, see you next time.
- The more, the merrier, no?
- No, next time.
- I don't want to bother.
- Will I add a place?
- No, she's leaving.
- Yes, add.
- You can try the pol pot.
- Well, for a pol pot...
Pol Pot was a Cambodian revolutionary."Petit pot", maybe?
- It was a joke.
- So, you're Santini's daughter?
You're beautiful, my compliments!
Tell me you enjoy life
more than your father!
See? I'm always telling him
he doesn't have enough fun.
Of course.
- I need to go to the toilet.
- Go.
- So do you.
- No.
Yes, you need to go to the toilet.
Come on, hurry up. Let's go.
What is it? What's wrong?
Giovanni, why did you invite her
to sit down?
Excuse me, Alberto. Sorry, could you do me
a little plate of mixed fries?
- It's on that table back there, thanks.
- Right away.
Want one?
Triglycerides...
Please, Giovanni, come on.
OK, but your friend's right,
you need to chill.
She's not my friend, and you ruined
everything, asking her to join us.
She's cute!
Don't you understand?
This was meant to be just us.
Any outside interference
could be fatal!
And from Irene De Angelis...
You don't know her, she's a junky.
She practices voodoo on OAPs...
She has no values!
Still going on about values?
Can I tell you? You're old to the core!
- Where did you meet her?
- The OAP centre.
- Here you are.
- Thank you very much.
- Where did you meet her?
- The OAP centre.
I volunteer there once a month.
OK, but she's natural, nice, very cute.
Think about her, no? She's ideal
for you, she works with the OAPs!
- Look at how she's dressed!
- You judge a woman on her clothes?
You, who's still wearing tartan socks?
- Kennedy wore these as well.
- And they killed him!
Listen to you in your cowboy boots!
I live in the countryside!
Do you live in Scotland?
Put on a kilt as well!
This is classic you.
You've known her 10 minutes
and you've already decided
she's the right woman to replace my wife.
Wife? You split up ten years ago
and you still talk about your wife!
- You want to rebuild a life, or not?
- But when, Giovanni? Tell me!
Please, Giovanni, I'm begging you,
tonight let Marina speak, please.
- Shut up and let her speak, OK?
- All right.
- Go sit down, I'm going to the loo.
- On you go.
So you work in a Well Woman Clinic?
Interesting.
Well, yeah... very.
But they're not all happy stories.
No?
Young people are placing themselves
in ever more absurd situations.
Then they end up in a mess
and pay the price.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Such as?
Such as kids having sex way too soon.
It's a problem for this generation!
How early?
At 16, 15 even!
I imagine you've got solutions
to this serious problem?
- I brought some proper food.
- Thank you.
It is a serious problem, because
there are kids who get no guidance.
For example, we have a son, Matteo.
and we always spoke with him about it,
and he did it when he felt ready.
at 17.
- Sorry, what's your name?
- Irene.
Irene, we were talking about it
before you arrived.
We're fighting to increase awareness
in the schools.
Because sex education
should be something that's studied.
Not the anonymous book
to ask questions again!
She says it too,
maybe this is the right age,
it's not necessarily wrong.
What are we talking about?
- Alberto, your friend...
- Colleague.
Colleague.
She says it's natural to have sex
when you're practically still a child!
Sorry, De Angelis, don't you have
to meet your friends somewhere?
Dad, your manners!
I know him, he's joking,
aren't you, Santini?
Yes, of course.
Dad, can you get two sex on the beach
for me and your friend?
No, love, I won't bring you and
your friend two thingy on the beach.
It's alcoholic, you're underage
and it's against the law!
I'll get one, we can share.
- Excuse me, a sex on the beach.
- A little.
Yes... a little.
- Alberto said you work together.
- Yeah.
What's your field?
- I'm a psychologist.
- A psychologist? This is great!
Why?
No, nothing, for the meal,
'cos you're all doctors.
If you're a psychologist, you'll know
some topics need special attention.
How old were you your first time?
Me?
I was 16.
A different era.
Don't make me think about it,
it was mad.
Doubtless!
Mad how, sorry?
You don't expect me to talk about it
in front of everyone?
I don't even know them!
Exactly, we don't know each other,
forget it.
Bye.
It was my last day in Italy.
I was about to leave for the US where
I'd live with my family for 10 years.
I was really anxious, but there was
one thing I knew for sure.
I was going to lose my virginity
in my own country!
It didn't matter who with,
but I had to do it in Italy!
The problem was finding the right guy.
Too pained...
..too Jamaica...
..bored aristo, please!
And then, there was him.
I cruise around this Ancient Rome.
Gotta look your best
to ride my chariot home.
There's loadsa talent queuing up.
Form a line, if you wanna sup.
You wanna be friends, lil goosey,
but I'm only thinking about your...
I know, he was a bit blunt maybe,
but he was interesting...
And he had one other great quality.
He was best friends with Simone,
a dick who dumped me 3 months before.
IRENE
16 years old
- Hey.
- Hi.
I'd say that's enough, no?
What d'you mean?
I'm going to Amsterdam.
Amsterdam... What about us?
I'll write to you from there.
See ya, babe.
He said he'll write to me
from Amsterdam, at least he'll explain.
Wake up, Irene!
He'll send you some dope...
- Hey.
- Oh, Irene, hi.
Hold this a mo'.
- You wanna come in?
- Sure.
See you later, Lo.
- Welcome to my kingdom. Come in.
- Yeah, OK.
- Hey, bro', how's hanging?
- Look at Fabietto, great!
- How are you?
- Fine.
- Sure?
- Yeah.
- Let's go. It's all yours.
- All ours?
- Is it clean, at least?
- Yeah.
Yeah...
- You ready?
- Yeah, of course.
Come in!
Eh? Not bad!
Whose place is this?
It's kind of everyone's,
whoever's here.
Will you bring me
a thingy on the beach as well?
And then what happened?
After that, things only got worse.
- You fancy a drink?
- Mh-hm.
Go.
- One... one, two. Hungry?
- A little, yeah.
Sit down.
I'll open it.
Thank you.
How is it?
OK, where'd you get it?
It's new to me.
The discount store, it's Peruvian.
Lovely...
Isn't it?
I'll play you one of mine.
Free style Fabio.
For Irene.
What's with the face,
it's just cheap lager,
What did you expect, gold,
frankincense and myrrh?
You've still to see
the real gift you've got
And if you really want it,
you're in the right spot.
Well?
- Sweet.
- What did I do for you?
- Where are we eating?
- Here. You'll see.
I'll sort it.
Bread? Ham?
No, I'll take some bread.
Look at this.
Look at the color of this.
- In the US, you'll dream of ham.
- Yeah.
You really are a babe.
I mean it.
Come on.
You want a condom?
Usually, when I make love with someone
the first one, I don't use one.
Use the condom.
All right, all right.
Fabio!
Oh, Fabio.
Who is it?
Me, Irene.
- What's up?
- Listen, I need to go.
Ok, then.
Listen, Irene, I was thinking...
Let's not mention this to Simone, OK?
Why not?
He'd lose it, you know how he is.
See you next summer, then?
Yeah, I think so.
- You'll like it more next time.
- Sure.
A disaster, basically.
But at least I can say I did it
with a guy who then become a teen idol!
- Who was he?
- Fabio Puccioni, later MC Gozer.
- What?
- You know him?
You're so cool!
Bianca, you like Gozer?
Like him? I love Gozer.
Irene, please, tell me from the beginning.
- I think we've heard enough.
- Total respect!
See, Marina? Making love
was a project for her like it was for you.
No, no, honey,
I meant project in another sense.
In what sense?
A project in wider term,
a project for life, non a location.
Not a location?
There are things you can't plan.
- Listen to who's talking?
- That's crazy.
- Marina, now...
- Irene.
Irene's right.
There are things you can't plan.
Giovanni, apart from the fact
you and I planned absolutely nothing,
I don't think you found
my plans for life revolting.
No, not revolting. No.
Mind you,
all the post-its stuck on the fridge
with everything to do,
including whet to go to the loo,
I mean it, the kitchen's full!
You know that.
Ah, he's being funny.
Good for you.
What am I, then?
Boring, a planner...?
A bit of a planner...
If I were you,
I wouldn't shit on my own doorstep!
What doorstep?
The farm, Giovanni.
She's talking about the farm.
- You're throwing it in my face?
- If you make me.
- I don't think you can complain.
- Or you!
You run my farm-
Are you the boss, or not?
- Ready for the next course?
- Go ahead.
- We have veal, cod with...
- Cod!
Cod for everyone, no weird creams.
Cod. Go on.
Thank you.
Bibi, why is Lisa sending you texts
at this time of night?
It's not Lisa, it's Mum wanting
to know what I'm doing.
Now she's asking!
Women are all the same.
Tell her you're at dinner with Dad
and he's explaining stuff to you.
Right, Alberto?
- Are you mad?
- What are you explaining to me?
Nothing. I'm going to kill you.
Giovanni says
you need to explain stuff to me.
- It's just an expression.
- An expression.
What are you on about?
Is this not for your birthday?
Of course.
Sure... as well.
It's just that, since the topic came up...
Your dad wanted to explain to you
that there are steps in life...
..where things happen
or are about to happen...
..and so a parent can speak
with their child
to understand how the child is going
to deal with those stages.
There.
You read my diary.
Yes...
How could you?
By accident, love.
You'll be angry.
But the point isn't that I read it,
but what I read!
That explains the viruses, all
that shit... you're all in this together!
- Bianca, it's not always wrong.
- Well...
If a father is concerned for his daughter
at such an important moment,
that seems fair enough!
Dad, I didn't expect this from you,
and what's this to you?
No, Bibi. Sorry, love. I know
it's not easy being young sometimes,
That you'd like to go from 10 to 30
to avoid this torture...
First love, first house,
having to wear this armor...
"Having to wear this armor"...
That's a Jovanotti song!
- You know it?
- Yeah, but I was 12.
I'm out of here.
No, Bibi, wait a moment, please.
Stop calling me Bibi!
My name is Bianca, Dad!
Who's going to go and get her?
- I'll go.
- Don't move.
- Marina, please.
- I'll go.
What?
Do you realize what you've done?
And you asked me
why I didn't want him here?
Alberto, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I lost it a bit with Marina
and it just slipped out.
Yeah.
She's smoking as well!
- Alberto, I made a mistake.
- Yeah.
But if you'll let me give you some advice,
you need to ease off a bit.
Meaning?
Meaning parents have to ease off
sometimes with their children...
Ease off, Alberto, ease off!
Because then we get it wrong...
- We quote Jovanotti.
- So?
I like him, eh? I mean, he's good,
but maybe for them he's old.
OK, but how do I get out of this mess?
Albertino, what have you done?
- Oh, you haven't change a bit!
- Yeah.
Physically, yeah, but that's normal.
You'd drop yourself in it
30 years ago as well!
- May I?
- On you go.
Excuse me.
Another!
This chef's good, eh? I pinched him
from Dolce and Gabbana's yacht...
They'll be missing him...
So, 30 years?
You've known each other 30 years?
We were at secondary together!
So you've got a family,
well done, Albertino! Well done!
But they didn't catch me!
Let me quote
the great Alberto Sordi...
"Why am I not married?
What, and have a stranger in the house?"
- That's a good one.
- It's old.
But still valid,
and the statistics support me.
- Two out of three marriages fail!
- Not everyone's the same.
Present company excluded.
Bianca!
- Is this your wife?
- No, I'm just a colleague.
Thank you.
Just a colleague...
Federico Gualerzi, I own this place.
I'm only here
because today's your birthday.
- Yesterday.
- All right, yesterday.
Bianca, did you know this man
and Dad were at school together?
- Get away!
- Yeah.
But we didn't hang out.
What was he like at school?
Top of the class?
Well, we called him Notre Dame,
like the hunchback.
Always bent over a book, on his own,
shy, really sweet, Notre Dame.
I'll tell you this, to get a laugh,
he'd play Robot Man...
- You remember that?
- No.
Robot Man.
I am a robot, I am a robot.
Do it, Notre Dame!
I am a robot, I am a robot.
He was so good,
he put up with everything,
the jokes, the mickey-taking...
Remember when we called you
at 2 in the morning
and played the music from "Deep Red"?
And he was...
I can really see it,
Dad as the nerd...
Never getting anywhere
with the girls...
Alberto, don't be offended.
It was 30 years ago, we were kids!
- Yeah.
- Never getting anywhere, not quite.
Obviously, you had some success.
Why don't you tell us
one of your adventures?
- Bianca, what are you saying?
- I'm saying...
What I'm saying is, why don't you
tell us about your first time?
Since you're so curious
to know how mine is going to go
I'll have the right to know
how yours went, no?
How do you think it went?
Yes, it's true, I was a nerd.
A total loser, I'd say.
But like all losers, I was good at school
ad sometimes gave lessons.
Saturn, the sixth planet
of the solar system,
takes 29.5 years to orbit the Sun!
Bea?
Bloody hell!
How much is that? Lots?
ALBERTO
19 years old
To give you an idea,
29 years divided by 12
makes 2 years, 5 months and 12 days.
This means if Saturn's against you,
you'll be in opposition to your sign
of the zodiac for two years!
Do you understand how slow Saturn is?
Because it's far from the Sun!
That's why I haven't got one right
in two years! What about Venus?
No, Venus is a fast planet,
'cos it's second nearest to the sun.
- While the first is...?
- Pluto?
No! Mercury's the nearest,
while Pluto is the furthest.
It takes 248 years to orbit the Sun.
If it goes against you,
you'll be a grandmother!
I swear, Alberto, I could talk with you
about these things for ever.
You should be an astrologist!
An astronomer, maybe.
Anyway, I want to be a surgeon.
- A doctor?
- No! I said a surgeon.
A doctor studies for six years.
A surgeon studies six years of medicine
and six of surgery...
- It's quite different. Got it?
- You kill me!
Sorry, but was it not your birthday
yesterday, Notre Dame?
Yes. How do you know?
They made you think you'd a surprise party
and then nobody came?
Yeah, they played that trick.
Let's eat together, then.
I'll give you a party...!
You're Aries, I'm Libra, opposites,
we get on like a house on fire!
You say? Have you not got something
to do with your boyfriend?
I argued with the bastard!
- What, you not fancy the idea?
- No, no!
- No? Yes, I mean!
- What time are your folks home?
They're at Santa Cecilia,
the Beethoven Festival, "The 9th",
so 75 minutes...
But first there's the "Egmont Ouverture"
which is 11, a total of 86 minutes.
Then 18 minutes of interval,
they say 15, but it's always 18,
then the time to get home,
the garage will be closed...
- What time is it?
- It's 8 PM.
So 60 minutes starting from now,
the concert starts at 9...
We've got 210 minutes!
- So, 4 hours!
- It's 3 hours 30, really.
Perfect. What's there to eat?
Tray...
Lots of good stuff!
Yeah, Bea, careful,
it's all my mothers...
- This is a paté de foie gras.
- A bit of bread.
- To drink?
- What do you want?
- What's this yellow stuff?
- Cedar juice, it's good.
- What can we celebrate with that?
- I don't know. What do you want?
Badia Coltibuono, what's this like?
- That's an '81 Badia Coltibuono.
- I'll get the glasses.
Yeah, but hang on,
I want popcorn as well.
- Popcorn?
- Yes, popcorn.
If you like...
She must have felt sorry for me.
I must have seemed different
to the others... Yeah, sure.
The thing is, that was my chance.
Nice little march!
Classical music reminds me
of my grandfather...
It's "Carmen".
A toast?
All the best.
Wow! What a little househusband.
You want me to stay here all week?
Yeah, we could do like
i "The Big Feast".
It's a famous film by Ferreri.
Ah, Ferreri, the chocolates guy, yeah?
Yes, he's a director as well.
And that day
I stopped eating popcorn.
The girl was on the ball, eh?
Where did you find her, Notre Dame?
- Where did I find her?
- Yeah.
At your house.
- My house?
- Yeah. You know who she was?
- Who was she?
- Bea!
And we were doing it behind your back
every afternoon for 3 months!
You remember when you went on holiday,
when you played 8-a-side,
remember you got to the final
at Sant'Onofrio?
- Yeah, we won.
- Well done!
You won, and Bea was having fun.
Sorry, who was Bea?
His girlfriend!
Finding out 30 years later
must be a blow, eh?
What are you saying, Alberto...?
Oh, I'm Alberto now, not Notre Dame?
I'll tell you something else,
you're jaundiced.
- I'm what?
- Jaundiced, you're yellow.
- You checked your transaminases?
- No.
Do it, and then tell me how your liver is
with all you drink!
I better go, I've got a lot to do.
What matters is that you ate well.
Now you're asking for trouble!
Well done, Alberto, that's the way.
He overdid a bit.
I don't think I did well.
I wasn't any good.
I was always late for everything.
Bianca, when I was your age,
all my friends had scooters.
I had a bike.
When they had motorbikes,
I'd a scooter.
Then they had cars,
but I didn't get a motorbike,
because my mother said,
"No motorbikes, I'm scared!"
They sneaked off to sleep with girls,
and the first night I spent out the house
was at Santa Cecilia
to queue for tickets
for Beethoven's "9th"
conducted by Carlo Maria Giulini...
And it was the night
of the '82 World Cup Final!
What's that got to do with anything?
Everything. I never had anything
in common with others.
Maybe I was ahead,
maybe I was behind, I don't know,
but I was out of time.
And that's why
I'm worried about you, today.
So what should I do
so as not to worry you?
Like you, out of revenge?
Revenge, my love? I knew nothing,
I understood nothing!
I didn't even know she was with him!
I've never been fly
and if I ever was, it was by mistake.
My whole life'