My Dad Wrote a Porno (2019) - full transcript
A comedy special based on the British comedy podcast of the same name.
This is a celebration!
Hells yeah!
♪ My feet go
Boom, boom, boom ♪
♪ Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom ♪
♪ Walking away from you ♪
♪ I said hey, uh-huh ♪
♪ You can't stop me ♪
♪ 'Cause my pain, uh-huh ♪
♪ Is gasoline ♪
♪ I can't wait, no, for nobody ♪
♪ If you break my heart ♪
♪ It's one, two, three
Boom, boom, boom ♪
Damn!
Power to the people.
♪ I got a new tattoo ♪
♪ Don't know what to tell you ♪
♪ Got nothing left to prove ♪
♪ High speed go
Zoom, zoom, zoom ♪
♪ Zoom, zoom, zoom
Zoom, zoom, zoom ♪
♪ My feet go
Boom, boom, boom ♪
♪ Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom ♪
Hey! I just wanted to take
another look at you.
♪ Walking away from you ♪
So, take us back
to the beginning, Jamie.
How did this all start?
Um, okay.
So, about four years ago,
um, my life changed forever,
uh, when I got an email from
a guy called Rocky Flintstone.
It turned out that Rocky
Flintstone was my dad,
and he'd been secretly writing
porn in the garden shed.
The book was called
Belinda Blinked,
and it was horrific.
It was amazing.
It's the best worst book
ever written.
So then my friends, James and Alice,
made me read it to the whole world.
"Belinda Blinked.
It wasn't a dream.
"The job interviewer had just asked her
to remove her jacket and silk blouse."
And the books are about a woman
called Belinda Blumenthal,
who shags her way around the
world, selling pots and pans.
It's one-half erotica,
one-half business manual.
So we started a podcast, and it
went from a few people listening...
I can't see anything! Aah!
Oh, no! I wet myself!
...to quite a lot
of people listening.
But we should say,
it's not a sexy book.
"As Belinda
groaned, the duchess hummed,
"watching her perspiring
pussy meat."
Ack!
Rocky's metaphors are unique.
Her nipples were now as
large as the three-inch rivets
which had held the hull of the
fateful Titanic together.
And he has zero concept
of the female body.
"He grabbed her
cervix..."
He's gonna kill her.
Honestly, if I wasn't
sat here right now,
I would swear to God
he was a virgin.
I mean, it got so crazy that people
were even talking about a movie version.
And actual, proper actors were
lining up to play the characters.
I do like
the idea of playing Dr. Robbins.
I feel like I should put
on a fat suit and play Jim Sterling.
I'd quite like
to play Alfie, the smallish man.
I would go for Adaam.
I've already spoken to my
agents about it.
Yeah, it all got
a little bit out of hand.
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
There are similarities between
your father's work,
and Hamlet.
- Oh, my God!
- Look!
He's a fucking genius.
Come on!
How else have we got here?
So now, I'm reading
my dad's porn on HBO.
Brilliant.
Live from the
Camden Roundhouse, London,
please welcome Jamie,
James, and Alice.
Woo! All right!
Woo!
Woo-hoo!
Woo!
- Yay!
- Yes!
Hi, guys. Um,
my name's Jamie, and...
my dad wrote a porno.
- It's true.
- Yes, he did.
He did do...
Thank you, thank you.
It's my hell, but your entertainment.
Uh, to my dad,
the legend.
Rocky Flintstone.
What a guy.
Okay. Okay.
So he wrote these
shit books, right?
And right at the start,
he wrote something that even he thought
was too shit to include in any
of the Belinda Blinked books.
- So I'm reading that tonight.
- Aw, you...
Yes, yes.
What's it about exactly?
What happens? Um...
Well, it is a Belinda Blinked chapter,
so it's not about anything, at all.
Sure.
But it involves Belinda Blumenthal,
the international sales director
of Steeles Pots and Pans.
Um, and she basically takes
her regional sales managers
on a kind of
team building away day.
Um, 'cause, obviously...
♪ Thank you so much ♪
♪ It's already fantastic ♪
It's so good.
'Cause, well, it's a business book.
So, you know, they're doing a corporate
away day. Makes absolute sense.
Well, London, are
you ready for this?
I think we should, uh,
play the drinking game.
That's a great shout. Yes.
Yeah? Up for it?
We should establish official rules.
- Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
- We should probably, you know...
The official rules.
Okay. Well what about...
You know how Rocky likes to
focus on unnecessary details,
like, if the camera was on
them, like, shagging,
it would slowly zoom to the curtains.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it just
focuses on the most stupid things.
Distracted. Yes.
Yeah. Exactly.
So every time there's, like,
an unnecessary detail, drink.
- Yeah. Yeah. Agreed.
- Good, good.
Okay, uh, my rule is gonna be...
grammar, bad grammar.
Yes. Exactly. Um, 'cause I
feel like he does it all afterwards.
Yeah. You know, after the event.
So he'll go through,
a little semicolon,
full stop in there.
Let's put a comma.
Yeah. Apostrophe.
For him, I think a semicolon is
just his work winking back at him.
He's like, "You're doing a great
job, Rocky."
Um, and I think, you know, if you're only
gonna drink on one of the rules tonight,
uh, everybody must drink
when Belinda blinks.
Deal.
Yes.
Before we start, I just think
there's one thing
that's really,
really important to just note. Yeah.
Whatever we read,
your dad wrote it.
Looks what's behind me!
That's gonna haunt me.
That's as big as we can manage.
But I think we should open the book.
This thing here.
Dad porn, dad porn, dad porn.
Okay.
"Belinda blinked."
Drink!
Start as we mean to go on... I'm
gonna shit-faced. I can just tell.
The Lost Chapter.
- "Team Building with the Regional Sales Managers..."
- Yeah!
Semicolon.
Yes.
It's already started. Cheers.
On a title.
Yes, Rocky.
"Belinda Blumenthal, international
sales director of Steeles Pots and Pans,
"turned her Mercedes
into the driveway
"of the secluded
manor house,
"she had hired for the team
building away day extravaganza..."
Whoa!
"...on the Cornish coast."
- Oh! Very nice part of the world, very nice.
- It is...
It is a lovely
part of the world,
but it's also about a
seven-hour drive from London.
That's true, actually, yeah.
See, it's a long way to go for a day.
- Yeah. That's true. And back.
- Yeah, yeah.
And back. Fourteen-hour round trip!
And back. Yeah.
They're gonna be there
for 10 minutes,
quick shag,
back in the car. Bye!
- "The training guru..."
- Guru!
"...she was... she was pinning
the whole show on was good.
No. Very, very good."
Um, who wants to guess
the name of this guru?
Ooh.
Anyone? Name. Yeah.
Veronica. No.
Electra.
Electra? Behave.
Nancy. No.
I feel like this woman's just
lost someone called Nancy.
Nancy!
Nancy!
Where the fuck are you? We're at
the wrong show!
No, I didn't... I'm sorry,
guys, but I didn't hear it.
- Because...
- "Melania was," uh...
- No! Okay.
- I'm... I'm joking. I'm obviously joking.
Um, no. "Natasha Biles..."
Okay. That's an interesting
choice of surname, isn't it?
It is, isn't it?
Because that's not...
It's not a sexy liquid,
is it? Bile.
- No, it's kind of like pre-vomit, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Acid reflux is essentially...
That's basically it. Yeah.
"Natasha Biles was
the best in the industry,
and she almost always guaranteed
exceptional results."
"In reality, she herself
was a fiery redhead."
Oh.
Alice.
Hello.
Guilty as charged.
"Of French extraction,
not the less."
"As it turned out, she was also
the local female lifeboat member."
I'm drinking on that.
I'm drinking on that, as well.
You don't really want, you know,
to think about drowning people
when you're reading porn.
Yeah. Really. Yeah.
There'll be a small cross
section of the community that do.
So, "As it turned out, she was also
the local female lifeboat member, so,
"she was equally at home in a pair
of yellow Wellingtons and oil skins,
as in a team building
businesswoman's uniform."
That is a lot of interesting
sartorial choices
in one sentence.
"With a light heart,
Belinda checked in."
And, sorry. Can I just say,
that's one fucking paragraph.
Look.
There it is. On its own.
It's just so sad.
It's unorthodox, I'll give you that.
It's very important.
"She strolled down the wide,
exquisitely carpeted staircase."
- Oh, God. We're gonna be drunker than...
- Looks like a drink.
The weirdest things
get her off, don't they?
Uh, yeah. Yeah. She's, like walking
down the stairs going, who laid that?
Oh, my God, it goes all the
way to the edge. Ah!
Kill!
What? That's...
That's your definition of "exquisitely
carpeted"?
- Functional carpet.
- To the edge.
To the edge of the room.
"Her comfortable, yet sexy
black leather trouser suit..."
Whoa, another great look.
Whoa.
Yeah. Did you say it was
comfortable, yet sexy?
Yeah, yeah. "Comfortable,
yet sexy." Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel like she's worn it a lot, like
there's a bit of give in the gusset.
Oh, James.
It's comfy.
A baggy crotch. No.
"Her comfortable, yet sexy,
black leather trouser suit squeaked...
as she..."
So she's literally like...
Mental.
"...as she strutted along the long,
tiled hallway into the conference room."
I would argue that surfaces
are getting a lot of airtime,
- and not... not much sex, thus far.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
No.
"Natasha stood up and immediately
pushed her throbbing tongue
- into Belinda's purple mouth."
- Okay.
Wow.
Now we've started.
I spoke too soon. Okay.
- We're literally in Belinda's mouth.
- Yes.
Yeah, well, Natasha is.
There's a lot
of activity there.
- There's quite a lot going on.
- Lovely greeting, isn't it?
Yeah.
Do you want to break it down?
Oh, what, go fifty-fifty?
Yeah. I'll, uh...
What was it, purple mouth?
I'll take the purple mouth.
And I will take
throbbing tongue.
Okay. Good. I won't take
throbbing tongue, although...
We'll see. There's some...
The night is young.
...eligible bachelors in the room, yeah.
- Uh, yeah. Purple mouth.
- Uh, is she dying?
- No! No. No, no, she's fine. She's fine.
- No. Choking?
- Ill?
- No, no, no. She's fine.
- Okay, fine.
- Okay. My question is about the aforementioned,
uh, throbbing tongue.
Yes, Alice. Yes?
Um, I just wanted to know is that
this kind of motion, like a...
Yeah.
Yeah. I imagine it's kind of
like, yeah, like, like, pulsing.
Like, you can feel the blood, like...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that your line?
'Cause you are literally fucked
for the rest of this book, like...
- Oh, sorry. One more question, actually.
- Yes?
Um, have they ever met?
Interesting question. They have...
You're such a prude.
- ...never met. No.
- Never met.
Okay. Good. Not even a hello?
Just a...
Nice to meet you. Uh...
Um, guys, guys, guys.
"Belinda blinked."
- Cheers, cheers.
- Mm.
- To you and yours. To you and yours.
- To you and yours.
Right.
Oh!
You all right?
Do you know you're making a noise?
Yes. There's something,
there's something...
You're exhaling audibly.
Um... a...
Would you just give me
a fucking second!
You're deflating.
We're concerned.
I don't know what's happening,
but can it last forever?
"I-I'm, ah... Natasha.
"And I'm in charge naah.
Yeah? Yeah?"
- No, definitely. "I'm in charge naah."
- Yeah?
"Charge naah."
Was that supposed to be...
French? That was French.
It's very good, I thought. No, no.
I-I think that was a hate crime.
Oh, okay, okay.
- I'm offended for them.
- Okay, fine.
Uh, is anyone in the room
French tonight?
Or at least thinks they can do
a better accent than I.
- Ooh.
- Yes.
Um, are you
willing to play
Natasha Biles
for the rest of the show?
Yeah?
You can't be worse
than me, so...
Um, but, come on, please take
this fucking seriously, okay.
I take my accents
incredibly seriously.
You know, I... I prep them.
They're not always appreciated
in their time, um...
But we want real commitment,
okay? Think the method.
Daniel Day-Lewis,
Meryl Streep-level, okay?
What is your name, by the way?
Tim.
No! You're Natasha Biles!
- Natasha! Natasha.
- For God's sake!
Look alive, Natasha.
Tim, Tim, Tim,
- Tim, Tim, Tim... Oh.
- This will not end well.
Okay.
I am, uh,
Natasha, and, uh, I'm in charge now.
I promised myself I wouldn't do
this, Tim, but, um...
Oh, fuck off, Levine. That was...
That was incredible.
...middling! That was honestly...
incredible.
- Thank you for that.
- Thank you.
I will call on you.
But please...
don't build your part in the meantime.
You know. Switch his mic off.
But, no. Thank you so much for being
involved. We really appreciate it.
"Natasha put her hand
on Belinda's...
knee."
- Did you hear that anticipation?
- Yeah.
They're gagging for it, this lot.
Look at them. They are so sex-starved.
Everyone's like,
where did she put her hand?
"Feeling no flinching
or resistance..."
That's called consent, everybody.
What?
No. No, it's not.
That's really not consent.
What, not
flinching or resisting?
Do you want to have a conference
behind my hands? Yeah.
You're so wrong. Um...
That's not consent, is it? If somebody
just doesn't flinch.
Oh, it's so murky, isn't it?
So if they don't recoil...
If they're not sick, is normally my...
Right. Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
Um, so, "...feeling no
flinching or resistance,
she slid it up
the leather-clad leg."
- Slid what up? Oh, the hand. The hand.
- Her hand. Her hand.
Uh, the leather-clad leg
of the chair, or of Belinda?
Of Belinda! Okay. Sorry.
There's a lot of leather.
"Belinda opened her leg."
One leg?
Singular.
She just sort of,
spatchcocked her thigh.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, "Belinda opened her leg,"
um, "allowing Natasha..."
This is so stupid.
"...free access to..."
If you say WiFi,
I'm walking out.
I was just... that's just my...
that's my line.
Why? She's got four bars
up there. Just...
She's got
a very connected vagina.
Just put your email in,
and you're away.
I want you to know, at this point,
I could say 4G-spot, but I haven't.
I just want you to know that. I've taken the
high ground. I've taken the high ground.
Uh, no, um...
Uh, "free access to her groin."
- Groin?
- Yeah. Sexy, huh?
"With an experienced... hand,
"Natasha undid Belinda's
patent leather belt
and pulled down..."
Are you having an episode?
Why are you speaking like that?
This is really fucking hard to read.
Can I just get this... just this
one sentence up, please?
So, look. So, "Belinda opened her leg allowing
Natasha free access to her groin." Fine.
"With an experienced... hand"
"Natasha undid Belinda's
patent leather belt
"and pulled, down...
Oh, my God.
"...her trousers's zip."
"Trousers's zip."
We have to drink on that.
Oh, drink. Drinks for days.
You couldn't dream it
so good, could you.
"Her hand... dove into the vaginal
area."
- Oh! Bloody hell!
- Whoa!
Fucking hell, James.
Sounds like she's...
That was good.
I heard the wind rush past you.
Just straight in there.
No splash.
Oh. Don't...
Oh, sorry.
Don't say no splash.
I heard it as I said it. Sorry.
"Her hand... dove into the vaginal
area, where two...
- fingers..."
- Oh, God.
"...pulled aside..."
- What?
- "...the flimsy..."
Flimsy? Aah!
"red...
- panties."
- Whew.
Okay.
So, like... No, like that.
No, like that.
What are you doing?
What was... Just do that again.
What was that?
Now, I was just hooking them,
the panties, to the side.
I mean, I would
rather you didn't, but yeah.
- But then I was thinking...
- What is that?
Stop doing that.
What is that?
I thought that might be
the inflammatory move. Um...
No, I was just thinking
of those... sexy pants.
Uh, you know the ones
that are cut up the middle.
- There's a chap, "I know.
- Yeah."
Um...
"Oh, I've seen 'em."
Um, so then you would do that,
or like... that.
Stop! What are you...?
Whoa.
They're not curtains.
Fucking hell. Morning!
That's more like Mum
on an iPad, isn't it? That's like...
"Two fingers pulled aside the
flimsy red panties, and entered
her clitoris."
Yes?
James, you have a question.
The lady
in the blouse. Yes?
Yeah. Um, not
my area of expertise,
Yes. Yeah.
But...
you cannot enter a clitoris?
- No, please.
- Whoa, whoa.
James, sit down.
You lot, you should know better.
Do not applaud
basic knowledge like that.
Especially when he said it
as a fucking question.
"You cannot enter a clitoris?"
That's actually progress,
worryingly.
Yeah, well, that's true. Yeah.
I'll put that in the notebook.
- That's another learning for another day.
- Is there a notebook?
You know, just the things I've learned.
Musings.
Musings, you know, "You cannot enter
a clitoris." Yeah. Great. Good.
"Not flinching is not
consent."
"Belinda gently eased
her trousers down her asshole."
Asshole!
"Down her asshole."
How big's her asshole? Down?
Asshole. Asshole... Into the
lower mezzanine of her asshole.
- That's really cool. He's just...
- Wow.
He's got asshole in there, hasn't he?
Dad, what the fuck? Like...
That's not nice.
Are you proud of him?
Not right now. No.
"Belinda gently eased
her trousers down her asshole,
"being careful not to impede
Natasha's rhythmic touching..."
Ooh.
- Hang on, hang on, hang on. So, Natasha's like that.
- Yeah.
- But Belinda's like, "I'm so sorry."
- Yeah, so like...
"Can I just, like..."
Do you mind if...?
Oh, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, I didn't. No, I didn't.
You touched a bollock.
No, I didn't!
- You did.
- Did she really?
You touched a bollock.
It was fine. I thought we were fine.
You were just saying...
Alice entered my clitoris.
No, I didn't.
I'm not surprised. Five-finger
Levine was going for it up there.
She was absolutely
loving it.
"Belinda put her left leg up
on the arm of Natasha's
carved oak captain's chair."
"She ran her left hand
through her raven mane... Ooh!
"...whilst her right
caressed her shapely body.
"Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh,
she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders."
Sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Yes. Sorry.
Anyone else
getting a bit lost?
- It is a bit hard to follow, yeah. To be fair.
- Yeah, like...
- Just... just now.
- Just now.
- Like, bits are going in different places.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's kind of turning into a bit of a
game of Twister, isn't it? Yeah. It is.
Do you know what this would be
a great opportunity to do?
Something we can't do on the podcast.
Leave early?
No. But great idea.
No, no, no, no. Yeah.
A recreation.
Yes!
Let's bring the book to life!
I'm up for that. Yeah.
I'm game. Yeah.
Okay, great. So I'm gonna
need a couple of volunteers
from the audience.
I'm gonna go... I think
I'm gonna go amongst them.
Good luck. Lube me up.
I'm going in.
All right. Okay.
Um, anyone... anyone someone's plus one?
Anyone, like,
what the hell am I... Oh! Oh!
Hello.
Hi.
Hi. Uh, so you're a plus one?
Yes.
Is this a date?
No.
Yes, it is.
It's a date?
It is. It is.
A first date?
Yes, it is.
What was that?
It definitely is a first date.
Oh, my God! We've got a first date!
Oh, my God. Right.
Right, right, right.
What's your name? Ari. Ari!
Ari. Ari, and...
Tom.
Ari and Tom.
So, how did you meet?
We work together.
You work together? Oh, my God.
It's like Steeles Pots and Pans!
Where do you work?
No, no...
A chemical company.
No, no.
A chemical company.
Our company makes
the latex for condoms.
Are you fucking joking me?
Oh, my God.
Well, um, I hope you manage to use
your own products this evening.
Have a fabulous night.
Give 'em a round of applause, guys.
Uh, okay. So, would anyone
like to help us recreate
a scene this evening?
Oh, yes. Oh, my God. She's got,
like, the perfect Belinda hair.
Okay.
Hello. What's your name?
Katie.
Katie. Okay, Katie.
What do you do for a job?
I'm a chef.
She's a chef!
She works with pots and pans!
- It's fate.
- It's meant to be.
You're perfect.
Katie, you're our Belinda.
There you go.
Head up to the stage.
Uh, we also need a Natasha.
So, will you be our Natasha?
Of course. Yeah.
Amazing. Okay. We have our Natasha.
Give her a round of applause.
Head up to the stage.
Let's go.
Okay. Right.
So, if you take a seat
in the chair,
you're Natasha.
You stand there.
You're Belinda.
Okay. Right. So,
what's gonna happen is,
Jamie's gonna read
from the book,
and you literally have to
act out what he says. Okay?
Good luck. It's bad.
Um, I feel like
we need to help these two
- get in the mood, though, don't we?
- Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
Could we set, uh,
a kind of sexy mood onstage, please?
Ooh, yes.
I also have something for you.
- Oh, wow.
- LED tea-lights. Alice!
You shouldn't have.
I think we're learning a lot
about Alice Levine's private life, here.
LED tea-lights. Hello!
They work every time. Every time. Yeah.
Okay, Jamie.
I think we're ready.
So, when you're ready to...
Okay.
"Belinda put
her left leg
up on the arm of Natasha's
carved oak captain's chair."
Okay, you have to come... Whoa!
So that's what it looks like!
Oh, gods!
Okay, hang on. Have you got...
Oh, can I just borrow that?
Okay, put your left foot up.
Trust me, trust me.
Okay. On the arm. On the arm.
There you go. Hold that there.
Hold that there. Okay.
"She ran her left hand
through her raven mane,
whilst her right
caressed her shapely body."
I'll hold the hat for you.
There you go. Oh, thank you.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Yes!
Woo!
Has anyone else got a semi, because...
This is hot stuff.
"Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh..."
There you go. Yeah.
"...she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders."
Okay, so if you bring them around here,
just stroke her like a cat. There you go.
Oh! Almost!
Oh, God.
Leg up. Arm here.
There we go.
I feel like James
would be such a bossy lover.
No, arm there. No, caress me there.
Leg up. Arm there. Come on.
Yeah. Okay.
"She grabbed her left breast."
If Rocky's written it,
it's possible.
I have to grab it forward.
There we go.
She's on the breast!
I'll take that.
"She squeezed
a nut-shaped nipple..."
Wait, wait, wait.
We've got nuts.
We've got some nuts.
We'll bring you a nut.
Okay,
what have we got?
What would you like?
What nipple would you like?
Should we go with that one?
Yeah, sure.
- That's nice and fancy.
- That's offensive, but, yeah.
No, no.
You hold it.
You hold it where the nipple goes.
There we go.
"She squeezed
a nut-shaped nipple
and followed the outline
with her forefinger."
- "Going, going 'round."
- Going 'round.
- "And 'round."
- And 'round.
"And round."
And round.
"And 'round."
"But increasing the pressure
with each circumnavigation."
Okay, you really give it
some, and you're enjoying it.
You're enjoying it.
"Natasha moaned deeply."
Uh...
"Belinda bent her head..."
There we go.
"...and started to excavate
her damp cave."
No, no, no,
no, no, no. That's quite enough.
Let's stop the music.
Let's get the lights back to normal.
I think that's quite enough.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a round of applause
for Belinda and Natasha.
Take a bow, girls.
Take a bow.
Thank you. Thank you.
I mean, that was...
That was a train wreck.
- That was a lot.
- But, you know, well done, James.
I saw a vagina.
Okay.
"Suddenly,
the girls heard the sound
of the regional
sales managers..."
Oh, my God.
That's why we're here.
I'd completely forgotten
why we were here.
It's like the Beatles have arrived.
"...of the regional sales
manager's cars parking outside.
"They quickly dressed
one another,
finishing just as her subordinates
plodded into the room."
Way to kill the energy, Rocky.
Thanks.
"Patrick O'Hamlin..."
Yay!
Yeah, he's in charge of two
whole countries, lest we forget.
Scotland, and Ireland. Busy man.
"Ken Dewsbury..."
Really? He films women
in his cellar.
Guys, come on.
You guys are sick.
"Des Martin..."
And he dribbles during sex.
God, this lot.
"And Dave Wilcox..."
Oh.
The Ringo of the group,
clearly.
"...slumped into the expansive
collection of chairs."
So, the regional sales managers are
kind of all on the same level, right,
within the hierarchy
of the company?
Yeah, they're all under
Belinda, so to speak.
I actually, um, thought
it'd be useful to see
the kind of company structure
of Steeles Pots and Pans.
Uh, 'cause there's been so much
thought put into these books.
Um, so I actually
have it here. Um...
So, there's Belinda,
the center of it all.
I love that we're
supposed to be turned on,
and we're looking at a chart
of the company structure
of a pots and pans company.
Yeah, it's not the most sexy, is it?
It's also not that useful.
What's really important
is to see who's fucked who.
Yes! So, let's...
let's change that,
and see who's done
the dirty with whom.
Oh, jeez.
Yeah. So, you really kind
of, so, you know...
Wow.
What do all the lines mean?
Yeah. So, red is
"flirting whilst nude."
Um, you
know, so not that much
of that's gone on, actually,
at Steeles Pots and Pans.
Heavy petting
is rife.
A lot of that's
been going on.
That's
the blue line.
Then you've got
all the sex,
which is
the green one,
So again, not that much
going on at Steeles.
So let's widen it out,
and have a look
at the context
with every character
that's ever graced
- the Belinda Blinked universe.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Look at it.
It's like the London
Underground. Look at it.
- I love that all lines lead to Belinda, as well.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Although, and this is so sad,
look, Jim Thompson. Nothing!
Not a sausage, literally.
- Poor Jim!
- Poor Jim!
"But the session
had begun."
Yes, it had.
"Natasha placed three dice
onto the table."
- Dice?
- Dice.
Okay. "And asked
each person to take a throw."
"Patrick O'Hamlin.
He went first." Oh, yeah.
"And with a hint of a tease,
he scored three... sixes!"
Oh, that's good!
That is the best you can
do with three dice.
I'm sorry. What are we playing?
Uh, we're playing dice.
Dice. Yeah, he did say that.
Not a game, but cool.
- "Everyone else groaned..."
- Oh, let's groan.
"...swearing at the luck
of the Irish..."
Bastards.
"...the rest of the RSMs
took their throws.
"Des Martin scored
a good, solid ten..."
That's decent.
"...from a three, a five, and a two."
♪ Nobody cares! ♪
"Dave Wilcox scored a 12...
"...from a five, a six,
and a one."
I love that he's just
filling pages.
"And Ken Dewsbury...
- "...a measly seven."
- Ooh.
Oh, let me guess.
A one, a four, a two.
"From a two,
a three, and a two." Oh.
"Natasha picked up the dice."
Oh, there's more dice,
more dice.
"And she passed them
on to Belinda."
- It's a lot of dice admin.
- Yeah.
"Belinda smiled, but...
"she didn't wink."
Then don't write it. Yeah.
Good to know. Thanks, Dad.
You don't need to
document it if it didn't happen.
"Her quick but casual throw..."
Don't know where they went.
Do not care.
"Her quick but casual throw
resulted...
in a score..." Oh, can we drumroll?
Can we do a little...?
"...of..."
"...four..."
Oh, God.
"...from a one, a two...
and another wretched one."
That's
disappointing.
"Natasha Biles looked
daggers at her..."
"...as a stunned silence said everything
there was to say on the matter.
"Belinda lowered her eyes
and thought...
"Fuck me.
"I've... I've ruined
her exercise.
What's she gonna do to me now?"
Can we get a tiny bit of perspective?
"Natasha said..."
"'That's the end of dice class.
"'Belinda, seeing as
you came bottom,
"'you must spend the rest
of the afternoon...
"'topless.'"
"Natasha took Belinda
by the elbow...
...guided her to the edge of
the room and licked her face."
Oh, God.
- As you do.
- Why?
I literally have no idea what's
going on in this fucking book.
"Secretly, she pulled out a
box of Humphries Dice and Mice
joke shop dice."
My preferred brand.
"And whispered..."
- "'As you can see...'"
- MORTON: Whispered.
"'As you can see,
"'my box of dice
are from Humphries
"'Dice and Mice
joke shop.
"'Suppliers to royalty.'"
It's very good.
It's very, very good.
"'Why, why
you... you, you... why, you..."
That does not say that.
Look.
Oh, it does say that.
Get up, get up.
Get this line up.
"'Why, why you...
you, you...
"'why you, you...
you, why you.
You switched the dice
when it was my turn.'"
That is poetry.
That is beautiful.
"'Natasha declared..."
"'What do
you expect? I am a guru.'"
"Lust and professional respect
pulsed through her body."
Two very different emotions
all at...
"It was as if Natasha could
taste it on her breath."
Oh. Her breath? Have you
eaten lust and professional respect?
Ooh, it's very strong.
Does it repeat?
Is it like onions?
"It was as if Natasha
could taste it on her breath,
"because she slowly
pulled up her skirt...
and flashed her cervix."
Now...
He has done this before.
Dad doesn't know
what a cervix is.
He thinks it's just another word
for vagina.
And, I... Alice.
This is a specific
pet peeve of yours.
It should be a specific
pet peeve of all of ours.
And it is, absolutely. But, I think
particularly, it's a bee in your bonnet.
Yeah. Well, he does just
think that all of the lady bits
are sort of jumbled up in a bag,
and they can kind of go anywhere.
It feels like this would be a missed opportunity
to not clear it up once and for all,
- so can I take two minutes of your time?
- Please.
Please. Alice, you can take four.
Thanks. Okay.
So it will surprise you to hear that we do
do some preparation before the show. I know.
And we were reading this study,
because Rocky does really struggle...
Yeah, he does.
...with female anatomy.
But it turns out,
so do a lot of you.
Because 50 percent
of millennial women
don't know where
their vagina is.
- That's real. That's not a joke.
- It's true. It's a true fact.
This is not
a laughing matter. Okay?
I don't mean they're like,
"Is it here?"
I mean, they, like, don't know
which bit's which. So...
What do you think
that top label is?
They are the...?
I said to the boys backstage, I had
a little peek through the curtain,
I was like,
"We have a room full of FalTu fans."
Yes. Fallopian tubes.
Okay.
Brilliant. Okay. Next one down.
What are they?
Ovaries!
Okay, that was almost
unanimous, apart from a chap...
I'm not gonna look at you, sir, 'cause
I don't want to embarrass anybody,
but in this zone, who definitely
said lungs, but yes, that is...
the... the lungs of the
reproductive system, if you like.
That is the ovaries.
Sir, please be careful.
You are gonna kill someone.
Um... next one down.
I'll give you a little clue.
It's the team player.
You can't spell this without "us."
Yes, it's the uterus.
You betcha.
Um, okay, bottom right, sir,
that's not what it's called.
What is the bottom right one?
Did someone say banana?
It's worse than I thought.
It's higher than 50 percent.
That is the vagina. Okay.
So the last one...
Let's just have just complete
silence for a second.
Um, and I think on the count of
three, we could all do this together.
Because I am gonna have a little
guess that this is not happening
anywhere else in London tonight.
Okay. So on the count
of three, as loudly...
At the top of your lungs,
you might say, sir...
Mind blown. Okay.
Three, two, one...
Cervix!
That was magical. I...
Yeah.
Yeah. Applaud yourselves.
Yeah.
Because you just made
me come, so thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Alice Levine.
Fucking respect.
- That was good.
- Thanks.
"The team couldn't
believe their luck,
"as Natasha and Belinda
unbuttoned their blouses,
"unhooked their brassieres,
and let their respective
tits hang out."
Yes.
Respective tits?
These are my tits.
Those are your tits.
"Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish..."
Oh!
That's, although stupid,
quite nice, "flushed-ish."
- Oh, it's ever so nice to say.
- Flushed-ish.
"Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish
"Patrick O'Hamlin
stood up and said...
"'Hey!"
"'Hey, listen to me.
I got the straight sixes.
"'I'm strippin' off, too.'"
COOPER: Oh.
"Suddenly, Ken Dewsbury
piped up.
"'Fuck it.'"
"'Fuck it. I did no better
than ladies.
- "'I reckon I should be balled naked, too.'"
- LEVINE: Balled naked?
"Then, unbelievably,
"keeping true to his word,
Ken Dewsbury removed
all of his clothes."
I don't want to see it.
"He folded them carefully."
Drink.
Although, I think that's
sexy and respectful.
"He folded them carefully on one
of the wing-backed chairs..."
- Yes.
- That's another drink, isn't it?
"...sitting around the edge of
the recently vacuumed room."
Yeah.
"He then... took care...
to sit on his socks..."
"...so as to not..."
Oh, God,
I don't like it when you pause.
- "...soil the soft furnishings."
- Oh...
Mm. Mm-mm, mm.
Has... Has Ken done a poo?
- Sorry, because he's about to...
- Shit himself,
- or he has... Shit himself?
- I don't know.
Okay, okay.
It doesn't say.
It doesn't really matter, does it?
Really doesn't matter.
It's a moot point.
Shit's coming either way.
Right. Yep.
"Des Martin, never one
to be caught out,
immediately stripped down
to his black thong."
Oh!
I don't care how many times he
writes it, it's not catching on.
Although, in the room tonight, I felt
like there was a lot of support for that.
Let's say 80 percent of the men
are wearing black thongs tonight.
"Natasha thought the session
was going rather well."
What was the criteria?
"Belinda was delighted."
"Dave Wilcox was confused."
"But he promptly stripped off,
for he was a businessman."
And that's what they do, is it?
Yeah. I guess.
"Natasha's
fuckably-shaped breasts..."
Aah?
Don't answer this, either of you.
Just think about it.
What shape are they?
What shape is
a fuckably-shaped breast?
Is it like, a...
Don't answer it.
"Natasha's
fuckably-shaped breasts
"echoed..."
Ga-doon, Ga-doon,
Ga-doon, Ga-doon...
Like one of those,
you know, those exec toys,
that people have on their desks?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Natasha's fuckably-shaped
breasts echoed the maturity
"of her tanned, rounded body,
and good, sturdy legs."
- Sturdy legs, as well?
- Yeah.
Is that sexy? Sturdy legs?
Sturdy legs.
Do you look at somebody like, "Ooh,
I bet she can stand up for hours."
She doesn't look like she needs a chair.
"It was all too much
for Des Martin.
"He simply had to have Belinda,
team building session or no."
"He reached over and pulled
down the boss's knickers."
I just like that
as a turn of phrase.
"You think you're
the boss's knickers, don't you."
Everyone in the room
gasped at his cheek."
Very good.
"And they waited.
Boy, did they wait"
for the slap on the face
he so truly deserved."
"It never came."
Is there no justice?
"Belinda turned 'round
- "and kissed Des Martin..."
- Aw.
- "...deeply..."
- That's nice.
"...on his cock."
- That's really cool.
- That's really cool.
That's cool. That's the
coolest thing I've ever heard.
Isn't that
the coolest thing ever?
How... How do you kiss
someone deeply on the cock?
You tell me.
Tongue down the urethra? I don't know...
Oh, you're gonna answer?
You just... Wow.
It's a guess!
That is the most Rocky thing
you've ever said.
You answered so quickly.
Why didn't you give it a beat?
Pretend you've just
thought of it. Here's what I like:
"Tongue down the urethra."
What a perfect
impression of me.
"Here's what I like.
Tongue down urethra."
"She opened her mouth wide
and took him in."
- Oh!
- Took him in?
That's... "Are you cold?"
"Come on. Do you need somewhere
to stay for the night?"
Stop pointing so much.
We can find it. Thank you.
"...opened her mouth wide
and took him in,
"in one gulp."
Oh, my God.
Has she swallowed his cock? She's,
like, shucked him back like an oyster.
"Des Martin screamed."
- I'll bet he did.
- "I'm not surprised."
"Where's my cock?"
"I had it this morning."
Oh, my God.
Oh, hang on. Sorry. No.
I read it wrong... ish.
"Des Martin screamed
in ecstasy."
Oh. Okay. No, I beg to differ.
I don't think he did.
That sounds aw...
It sounds horrific.
"And..." Fuck.
"...white...
"...semen..."
"...dribbled down
Belinda's throat."
Eww-agh! Okay.
Oh, God.
Would it be...?
I'm literally,
I'm... I'm a wreck.
I'm a wreck of a man.
Your dad... Yeah.
I know!
No, you know. You know. You know.
I don't need to say it. You know, so...
God.
Is it...
a bad time to just ask you to reread the
last line... just recap the last line?
Really? I can't remember
the exact wording of the...
Okay, fine.
"Des Martin screamed
in ecstasy
as white semen dribbled down
Belinda's throat."
Mm. It's no better
on second hearing.
I thought
it might have mellowed.
"Patrick O' Hamlin
could wait no longer.
With a mighty leap and a bound,
he cleared the table..."
Spiderman.
"...catching Natasha
by the breasts."
She's not a climbing wall!
"He threw her onto the
exquisitely laid parquet floors."
"There, writhing
in expectation,
"Patrick O'Hamlin entered her
vagina and tickled her labia."
He "entered her."
It sounds like
he kind of went, like...
with one of those
head torches on.
Yep. Yep.
Good in here.
If you knock that down,
that's... that's the partition.
That pelvic floor,
that can come up.
"Natasha opened her legs wider."
Well, she'd have to. There's a whole
man up there, doing...
...quite an extensive
renovation.
- "And pulled Patrick even deeper into her rampant body."
- Oh, shit!
So it's just a pair of shoes?
Like this. Yeah.
"Meanwhile..."
Back at the office...
"Meanwhile..."
"Des Martin returned
Belinda's mouth
- to his now reinvigorated penis."
- Oh, lovely.
"And started to screw her
politely.
Oh, no, please.
After you. May I?
"Ken Dewsbury had set about
entering Belinda,
and he started to fuck her
with gusto."
- Oh...
- Gusto?
Is that, like...
♪ Ba-da-da dah! ♪
No, that's pizzazz.
Oh.
Gusto, Pizzazz.
There's a fine line.
You do always
get them confused.
"This all left an ever so
bewildered Dave Wilcox,
- who quickly squatted on Natasha's face..."
- Oh, my God.
Don't do it quickly. No. That's a
thing to take your time over, isn't it?
She'll have
two black eyes. Aah!
Just like a... boom!
Ooh!
"...enabling her
to chew his testicles."
This is really rough.
This is horrible, horrible...
I don't want to speak for the
male experience, but I'm gonna...
Look at James! He's like,
protecting himself.
Using your teeth
to chew on a testicle,
I'm just gonna say that might hurt.
It's not advisable, yeah.
It'd be like biting into a pickled
onion, wouldn't it?
- Oh, my God.
- Why?
Why so vinegary?
Not the taste.
The texture, you loon!
"He growled in pleasure..."
He didn't. He just didn't.
"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin
to drain himself."
I've never been
more upset by a verb.
That's disgusting, isn't it?
Draining himself into,
like, a husk.
"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin
to drain himself..."
Stop saying,
"To drain himself."
"...so he could release his
big, throbbing cock into..."
Into the wild.
Be free!
Actual Free Willy.
Oh, my God!
- Very good. Very good.
- That's good.
It's a very different film.
"...so he could fully release
his big, throbbing cock
into Natasha's
womanly creases."
Womanly creases?
- That's actually quite good.
- Is it?
Sounds like he's jizzed in her
back fat or something. Oh, James!
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God.
Thank you for draining yourself.
Oh, my God. "Jizzed in her back
fat." Wow. That is quite the image.
"Belinda Blumenthal...
"plopped Des Martin's
floppy phallus
out of her jaws."
How many people can honestly
say they're not turned on?
I think you'd find it hard,
if you were being completely honest.
Oh, my God. I don't think I'm
ever gonna have an erection again.
So, "Belinda Blumenthal
plopped..." Plopped?
Plopped! It wasn't even flopped.
Plopped.
"...Des Martin's floppy
phallus out of her jaws
"as she watched her
knackered colleagues."
"Her mind got in touch..."
Yes!
Hiya!
"Her mind got in touch to say,
'Eighteen grand well spent.'"
- Eighteen grand?
- Yeah.
That's the most disgusting
part of this whole chapter.
This whole...
I mean, car crash.
- Eighteen grand on what? On some dice?
- Eighteen grand.
Mainly the cleanup,
I imagine.
They had to just burn
the whole thing down.
Getting shit out of upholstery is...
is difficult.
So... so I've heard.
Anecdotally.
- Everyone?
- What?
- "Belinda blinked."
- Yes!
Ah!
And that, thank fuck...
- is the end of the chapter.
- Aw!
Good effort.
Wow.
So, really, there's only
one thing left to do.
Um, and that's thank the man...
the mystery.
The monster.
Yes.
My dad.
Please, guys.
Be upstanding...
...to the great
Rocky Flintstone!
To Rocky Flintstone.
To Rocky Flintstone. Cheers.
To Rocky. To Rocky.
Cheers. Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Thank you guys so, so much for
coming out! You've been amazing!
We have been My Dad Wrote a Porno.
You have all been perverts.
Thank you, and good night.
Woo!
Hells yeah!
♪ My feet go
Boom, boom, boom ♪
♪ Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom ♪
♪ Walking away from you ♪
♪ I said hey, uh-huh ♪
♪ You can't stop me ♪
♪ 'Cause my pain, uh-huh ♪
♪ Is gasoline ♪
♪ I can't wait, no, for nobody ♪
♪ If you break my heart ♪
♪ It's one, two, three
Boom, boom, boom ♪
Damn!
Power to the people.
♪ I got a new tattoo ♪
♪ Don't know what to tell you ♪
♪ Got nothing left to prove ♪
♪ High speed go
Zoom, zoom, zoom ♪
♪ Zoom, zoom, zoom
Zoom, zoom, zoom ♪
♪ My feet go
Boom, boom, boom ♪
♪ Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom ♪
Hey! I just wanted to take
another look at you.
♪ Walking away from you ♪
So, take us back
to the beginning, Jamie.
How did this all start?
Um, okay.
So, about four years ago,
um, my life changed forever,
uh, when I got an email from
a guy called Rocky Flintstone.
It turned out that Rocky
Flintstone was my dad,
and he'd been secretly writing
porn in the garden shed.
The book was called
Belinda Blinked,
and it was horrific.
It was amazing.
It's the best worst book
ever written.
So then my friends, James and Alice,
made me read it to the whole world.
"Belinda Blinked.
It wasn't a dream.
"The job interviewer had just asked her
to remove her jacket and silk blouse."
And the books are about a woman
called Belinda Blumenthal,
who shags her way around the
world, selling pots and pans.
It's one-half erotica,
one-half business manual.
So we started a podcast, and it
went from a few people listening...
I can't see anything! Aah!
Oh, no! I wet myself!
...to quite a lot
of people listening.
But we should say,
it's not a sexy book.
"As Belinda
groaned, the duchess hummed,
"watching her perspiring
pussy meat."
Ack!
Rocky's metaphors are unique.
Her nipples were now as
large as the three-inch rivets
which had held the hull of the
fateful Titanic together.
And he has zero concept
of the female body.
"He grabbed her
cervix..."
He's gonna kill her.
Honestly, if I wasn't
sat here right now,
I would swear to God
he was a virgin.
I mean, it got so crazy that people
were even talking about a movie version.
And actual, proper actors were
lining up to play the characters.
I do like
the idea of playing Dr. Robbins.
I feel like I should put
on a fat suit and play Jim Sterling.
I'd quite like
to play Alfie, the smallish man.
I would go for Adaam.
I've already spoken to my
agents about it.
Yeah, it all got
a little bit out of hand.
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
There are similarities between
your father's work,
and Hamlet.
- Oh, my God!
- Look!
He's a fucking genius.
Come on!
How else have we got here?
So now, I'm reading
my dad's porn on HBO.
Brilliant.
Live from the
Camden Roundhouse, London,
please welcome Jamie,
James, and Alice.
Woo! All right!
Woo!
Woo-hoo!
Woo!
- Yay!
- Yes!
Hi, guys. Um,
my name's Jamie, and...
my dad wrote a porno.
- It's true.
- Yes, he did.
He did do...
Thank you, thank you.
It's my hell, but your entertainment.
Uh, to my dad,
the legend.
Rocky Flintstone.
What a guy.
Okay. Okay.
So he wrote these
shit books, right?
And right at the start,
he wrote something that even he thought
was too shit to include in any
of the Belinda Blinked books.
- So I'm reading that tonight.
- Aw, you...
Yes, yes.
What's it about exactly?
What happens? Um...
Well, it is a Belinda Blinked chapter,
so it's not about anything, at all.
Sure.
But it involves Belinda Blumenthal,
the international sales director
of Steeles Pots and Pans.
Um, and she basically takes
her regional sales managers
on a kind of
team building away day.
Um, 'cause, obviously...
♪ Thank you so much ♪
♪ It's already fantastic ♪
It's so good.
'Cause, well, it's a business book.
So, you know, they're doing a corporate
away day. Makes absolute sense.
Well, London, are
you ready for this?
I think we should, uh,
play the drinking game.
That's a great shout. Yes.
Yeah? Up for it?
We should establish official rules.
- Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
- We should probably, you know...
The official rules.
Okay. Well what about...
You know how Rocky likes to
focus on unnecessary details,
like, if the camera was on
them, like, shagging,
it would slowly zoom to the curtains.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it just
focuses on the most stupid things.
Distracted. Yes.
Yeah. Exactly.
So every time there's, like,
an unnecessary detail, drink.
- Yeah. Yeah. Agreed.
- Good, good.
Okay, uh, my rule is gonna be...
grammar, bad grammar.
Yes. Exactly. Um, 'cause I
feel like he does it all afterwards.
Yeah. You know, after the event.
So he'll go through,
a little semicolon,
full stop in there.
Let's put a comma.
Yeah. Apostrophe.
For him, I think a semicolon is
just his work winking back at him.
He's like, "You're doing a great
job, Rocky."
Um, and I think, you know, if you're only
gonna drink on one of the rules tonight,
uh, everybody must drink
when Belinda blinks.
Deal.
Yes.
Before we start, I just think
there's one thing
that's really,
really important to just note. Yeah.
Whatever we read,
your dad wrote it.
Looks what's behind me!
That's gonna haunt me.
That's as big as we can manage.
But I think we should open the book.
This thing here.
Dad porn, dad porn, dad porn.
Okay.
"Belinda blinked."
Drink!
Start as we mean to go on... I'm
gonna shit-faced. I can just tell.
The Lost Chapter.
- "Team Building with the Regional Sales Managers..."
- Yeah!
Semicolon.
Yes.
It's already started. Cheers.
On a title.
Yes, Rocky.
"Belinda Blumenthal, international
sales director of Steeles Pots and Pans,
"turned her Mercedes
into the driveway
"of the secluded
manor house,
"she had hired for the team
building away day extravaganza..."
Whoa!
"...on the Cornish coast."
- Oh! Very nice part of the world, very nice.
- It is...
It is a lovely
part of the world,
but it's also about a
seven-hour drive from London.
That's true, actually, yeah.
See, it's a long way to go for a day.
- Yeah. That's true. And back.
- Yeah, yeah.
And back. Fourteen-hour round trip!
And back. Yeah.
They're gonna be there
for 10 minutes,
quick shag,
back in the car. Bye!
- "The training guru..."
- Guru!
"...she was... she was pinning
the whole show on was good.
No. Very, very good."
Um, who wants to guess
the name of this guru?
Ooh.
Anyone? Name. Yeah.
Veronica. No.
Electra.
Electra? Behave.
Nancy. No.
I feel like this woman's just
lost someone called Nancy.
Nancy!
Nancy!
Where the fuck are you? We're at
the wrong show!
No, I didn't... I'm sorry,
guys, but I didn't hear it.
- Because...
- "Melania was," uh...
- No! Okay.
- I'm... I'm joking. I'm obviously joking.
Um, no. "Natasha Biles..."
Okay. That's an interesting
choice of surname, isn't it?
It is, isn't it?
Because that's not...
It's not a sexy liquid,
is it? Bile.
- No, it's kind of like pre-vomit, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Acid reflux is essentially...
That's basically it. Yeah.
"Natasha Biles was
the best in the industry,
and she almost always guaranteed
exceptional results."
"In reality, she herself
was a fiery redhead."
Oh.
Alice.
Hello.
Guilty as charged.
"Of French extraction,
not the less."
"As it turned out, she was also
the local female lifeboat member."
I'm drinking on that.
I'm drinking on that, as well.
You don't really want, you know,
to think about drowning people
when you're reading porn.
Yeah. Really. Yeah.
There'll be a small cross
section of the community that do.
So, "As it turned out, she was also
the local female lifeboat member, so,
"she was equally at home in a pair
of yellow Wellingtons and oil skins,
as in a team building
businesswoman's uniform."
That is a lot of interesting
sartorial choices
in one sentence.
"With a light heart,
Belinda checked in."
And, sorry. Can I just say,
that's one fucking paragraph.
Look.
There it is. On its own.
It's just so sad.
It's unorthodox, I'll give you that.
It's very important.
"She strolled down the wide,
exquisitely carpeted staircase."
- Oh, God. We're gonna be drunker than...
- Looks like a drink.
The weirdest things
get her off, don't they?
Uh, yeah. Yeah. She's, like walking
down the stairs going, who laid that?
Oh, my God, it goes all the
way to the edge. Ah!
Kill!
What? That's...
That's your definition of "exquisitely
carpeted"?
- Functional carpet.
- To the edge.
To the edge of the room.
"Her comfortable, yet sexy
black leather trouser suit..."
Whoa, another great look.
Whoa.
Yeah. Did you say it was
comfortable, yet sexy?
Yeah, yeah. "Comfortable,
yet sexy." Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel like she's worn it a lot, like
there's a bit of give in the gusset.
Oh, James.
It's comfy.
A baggy crotch. No.
"Her comfortable, yet sexy,
black leather trouser suit squeaked...
as she..."
So she's literally like...
Mental.
"...as she strutted along the long,
tiled hallway into the conference room."
I would argue that surfaces
are getting a lot of airtime,
- and not... not much sex, thus far.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
No.
"Natasha stood up and immediately
pushed her throbbing tongue
- into Belinda's purple mouth."
- Okay.
Wow.
Now we've started.
I spoke too soon. Okay.
- We're literally in Belinda's mouth.
- Yes.
Yeah, well, Natasha is.
There's a lot
of activity there.
- There's quite a lot going on.
- Lovely greeting, isn't it?
Yeah.
Do you want to break it down?
Oh, what, go fifty-fifty?
Yeah. I'll, uh...
What was it, purple mouth?
I'll take the purple mouth.
And I will take
throbbing tongue.
Okay. Good. I won't take
throbbing tongue, although...
We'll see. There's some...
The night is young.
...eligible bachelors in the room, yeah.
- Uh, yeah. Purple mouth.
- Uh, is she dying?
- No! No. No, no, she's fine. She's fine.
- No. Choking?
- Ill?
- No, no, no. She's fine.
- Okay, fine.
- Okay. My question is about the aforementioned,
uh, throbbing tongue.
Yes, Alice. Yes?
Um, I just wanted to know is that
this kind of motion, like a...
Yeah.
Yeah. I imagine it's kind of
like, yeah, like, like, pulsing.
Like, you can feel the blood, like...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that your line?
'Cause you are literally fucked
for the rest of this book, like...
- Oh, sorry. One more question, actually.
- Yes?
Um, have they ever met?
Interesting question. They have...
You're such a prude.
- ...never met. No.
- Never met.
Okay. Good. Not even a hello?
Just a...
Nice to meet you. Uh...
Um, guys, guys, guys.
"Belinda blinked."
- Cheers, cheers.
- Mm.
- To you and yours. To you and yours.
- To you and yours.
Right.
Oh!
You all right?
Do you know you're making a noise?
Yes. There's something,
there's something...
You're exhaling audibly.
Um... a...
Would you just give me
a fucking second!
You're deflating.
We're concerned.
I don't know what's happening,
but can it last forever?
"I-I'm, ah... Natasha.
"And I'm in charge naah.
Yeah? Yeah?"
- No, definitely. "I'm in charge naah."
- Yeah?
"Charge naah."
Was that supposed to be...
French? That was French.
It's very good, I thought. No, no.
I-I think that was a hate crime.
Oh, okay, okay.
- I'm offended for them.
- Okay, fine.
Uh, is anyone in the room
French tonight?
Or at least thinks they can do
a better accent than I.
- Ooh.
- Yes.
Um, are you
willing to play
Natasha Biles
for the rest of the show?
Yeah?
You can't be worse
than me, so...
Um, but, come on, please take
this fucking seriously, okay.
I take my accents
incredibly seriously.
You know, I... I prep them.
They're not always appreciated
in their time, um...
But we want real commitment,
okay? Think the method.
Daniel Day-Lewis,
Meryl Streep-level, okay?
What is your name, by the way?
Tim.
No! You're Natasha Biles!
- Natasha! Natasha.
- For God's sake!
Look alive, Natasha.
Tim, Tim, Tim,
- Tim, Tim, Tim... Oh.
- This will not end well.
Okay.
I am, uh,
Natasha, and, uh, I'm in charge now.
I promised myself I wouldn't do
this, Tim, but, um...
Oh, fuck off, Levine. That was...
That was incredible.
...middling! That was honestly...
incredible.
- Thank you for that.
- Thank you.
I will call on you.
But please...
don't build your part in the meantime.
You know. Switch his mic off.
But, no. Thank you so much for being
involved. We really appreciate it.
"Natasha put her hand
on Belinda's...
knee."
- Did you hear that anticipation?
- Yeah.
They're gagging for it, this lot.
Look at them. They are so sex-starved.
Everyone's like,
where did she put her hand?
"Feeling no flinching
or resistance..."
That's called consent, everybody.
What?
No. No, it's not.
That's really not consent.
What, not
flinching or resisting?
Do you want to have a conference
behind my hands? Yeah.
You're so wrong. Um...
That's not consent, is it? If somebody
just doesn't flinch.
Oh, it's so murky, isn't it?
So if they don't recoil...
If they're not sick, is normally my...
Right. Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
Um, so, "...feeling no
flinching or resistance,
she slid it up
the leather-clad leg."
- Slid what up? Oh, the hand. The hand.
- Her hand. Her hand.
Uh, the leather-clad leg
of the chair, or of Belinda?
Of Belinda! Okay. Sorry.
There's a lot of leather.
"Belinda opened her leg."
One leg?
Singular.
She just sort of,
spatchcocked her thigh.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, "Belinda opened her leg,"
um, "allowing Natasha..."
This is so stupid.
"...free access to..."
If you say WiFi,
I'm walking out.
I was just... that's just my...
that's my line.
Why? She's got four bars
up there. Just...
She's got
a very connected vagina.
Just put your email in,
and you're away.
I want you to know, at this point,
I could say 4G-spot, but I haven't.
I just want you to know that. I've taken the
high ground. I've taken the high ground.
Uh, no, um...
Uh, "free access to her groin."
- Groin?
- Yeah. Sexy, huh?
"With an experienced... hand,
"Natasha undid Belinda's
patent leather belt
and pulled down..."
Are you having an episode?
Why are you speaking like that?
This is really fucking hard to read.
Can I just get this... just this
one sentence up, please?
So, look. So, "Belinda opened her leg allowing
Natasha free access to her groin." Fine.
"With an experienced... hand"
"Natasha undid Belinda's
patent leather belt
"and pulled, down...
Oh, my God.
"...her trousers's zip."
"Trousers's zip."
We have to drink on that.
Oh, drink. Drinks for days.
You couldn't dream it
so good, could you.
"Her hand... dove into the vaginal
area."
- Oh! Bloody hell!
- Whoa!
Fucking hell, James.
Sounds like she's...
That was good.
I heard the wind rush past you.
Just straight in there.
No splash.
Oh. Don't...
Oh, sorry.
Don't say no splash.
I heard it as I said it. Sorry.
"Her hand... dove into the vaginal
area, where two...
- fingers..."
- Oh, God.
"...pulled aside..."
- What?
- "...the flimsy..."
Flimsy? Aah!
"red...
- panties."
- Whew.
Okay.
So, like... No, like that.
No, like that.
What are you doing?
What was... Just do that again.
What was that?
Now, I was just hooking them,
the panties, to the side.
I mean, I would
rather you didn't, but yeah.
- But then I was thinking...
- What is that?
Stop doing that.
What is that?
I thought that might be
the inflammatory move. Um...
No, I was just thinking
of those... sexy pants.
Uh, you know the ones
that are cut up the middle.
- There's a chap, "I know.
- Yeah."
Um...
"Oh, I've seen 'em."
Um, so then you would do that,
or like... that.
Stop! What are you...?
Whoa.
They're not curtains.
Fucking hell. Morning!
That's more like Mum
on an iPad, isn't it? That's like...
"Two fingers pulled aside the
flimsy red panties, and entered
her clitoris."
Yes?
James, you have a question.
The lady
in the blouse. Yes?
Yeah. Um, not
my area of expertise,
Yes. Yeah.
But...
you cannot enter a clitoris?
- No, please.
- Whoa, whoa.
James, sit down.
You lot, you should know better.
Do not applaud
basic knowledge like that.
Especially when he said it
as a fucking question.
"You cannot enter a clitoris?"
That's actually progress,
worryingly.
Yeah, well, that's true. Yeah.
I'll put that in the notebook.
- That's another learning for another day.
- Is there a notebook?
You know, just the things I've learned.
Musings.
Musings, you know, "You cannot enter
a clitoris." Yeah. Great. Good.
"Not flinching is not
consent."
"Belinda gently eased
her trousers down her asshole."
Asshole!
"Down her asshole."
How big's her asshole? Down?
Asshole. Asshole... Into the
lower mezzanine of her asshole.
- That's really cool. He's just...
- Wow.
He's got asshole in there, hasn't he?
Dad, what the fuck? Like...
That's not nice.
Are you proud of him?
Not right now. No.
"Belinda gently eased
her trousers down her asshole,
"being careful not to impede
Natasha's rhythmic touching..."
Ooh.
- Hang on, hang on, hang on. So, Natasha's like that.
- Yeah.
- But Belinda's like, "I'm so sorry."
- Yeah, so like...
"Can I just, like..."
Do you mind if...?
Oh, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, I didn't. No, I didn't.
You touched a bollock.
No, I didn't!
- You did.
- Did she really?
You touched a bollock.
It was fine. I thought we were fine.
You were just saying...
Alice entered my clitoris.
No, I didn't.
I'm not surprised. Five-finger
Levine was going for it up there.
She was absolutely
loving it.
"Belinda put her left leg up
on the arm of Natasha's
carved oak captain's chair."
"She ran her left hand
through her raven mane... Ooh!
"...whilst her right
caressed her shapely body.
"Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh,
she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders."
Sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Yes. Sorry.
Anyone else
getting a bit lost?
- It is a bit hard to follow, yeah. To be fair.
- Yeah, like...
- Just... just now.
- Just now.
- Like, bits are going in different places.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's kind of turning into a bit of a
game of Twister, isn't it? Yeah. It is.
Do you know what this would be
a great opportunity to do?
Something we can't do on the podcast.
Leave early?
No. But great idea.
No, no, no, no. Yeah.
A recreation.
Yes!
Let's bring the book to life!
I'm up for that. Yeah.
I'm game. Yeah.
Okay, great. So I'm gonna
need a couple of volunteers
from the audience.
I'm gonna go... I think
I'm gonna go amongst them.
Good luck. Lube me up.
I'm going in.
All right. Okay.
Um, anyone... anyone someone's plus one?
Anyone, like,
what the hell am I... Oh! Oh!
Hello.
Hi.
Hi. Uh, so you're a plus one?
Yes.
Is this a date?
No.
Yes, it is.
It's a date?
It is. It is.
A first date?
Yes, it is.
What was that?
It definitely is a first date.
Oh, my God! We've got a first date!
Oh, my God. Right.
Right, right, right.
What's your name? Ari. Ari!
Ari. Ari, and...
Tom.
Ari and Tom.
So, how did you meet?
We work together.
You work together? Oh, my God.
It's like Steeles Pots and Pans!
Where do you work?
No, no...
A chemical company.
No, no.
A chemical company.
Our company makes
the latex for condoms.
Are you fucking joking me?
Oh, my God.
Well, um, I hope you manage to use
your own products this evening.
Have a fabulous night.
Give 'em a round of applause, guys.
Uh, okay. So, would anyone
like to help us recreate
a scene this evening?
Oh, yes. Oh, my God. She's got,
like, the perfect Belinda hair.
Okay.
Hello. What's your name?
Katie.
Katie. Okay, Katie.
What do you do for a job?
I'm a chef.
She's a chef!
She works with pots and pans!
- It's fate.
- It's meant to be.
You're perfect.
Katie, you're our Belinda.
There you go.
Head up to the stage.
Uh, we also need a Natasha.
So, will you be our Natasha?
Of course. Yeah.
Amazing. Okay. We have our Natasha.
Give her a round of applause.
Head up to the stage.
Let's go.
Okay. Right.
So, if you take a seat
in the chair,
you're Natasha.
You stand there.
You're Belinda.
Okay. Right. So,
what's gonna happen is,
Jamie's gonna read
from the book,
and you literally have to
act out what he says. Okay?
Good luck. It's bad.
Um, I feel like
we need to help these two
- get in the mood, though, don't we?
- Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
Could we set, uh,
a kind of sexy mood onstage, please?
Ooh, yes.
I also have something for you.
- Oh, wow.
- LED tea-lights. Alice!
You shouldn't have.
I think we're learning a lot
about Alice Levine's private life, here.
LED tea-lights. Hello!
They work every time. Every time. Yeah.
Okay, Jamie.
I think we're ready.
So, when you're ready to...
Okay.
"Belinda put
her left leg
up on the arm of Natasha's
carved oak captain's chair."
Okay, you have to come... Whoa!
So that's what it looks like!
Oh, gods!
Okay, hang on. Have you got...
Oh, can I just borrow that?
Okay, put your left foot up.
Trust me, trust me.
Okay. On the arm. On the arm.
There you go. Hold that there.
Hold that there. Okay.
"She ran her left hand
through her raven mane,
whilst her right
caressed her shapely body."
I'll hold the hat for you.
There you go. Oh, thank you.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Yes!
Woo!
Has anyone else got a semi, because...
This is hot stuff.
"Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh..."
There you go. Yeah.
"...she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders."
Okay, so if you bring them around here,
just stroke her like a cat. There you go.
Oh! Almost!
Oh, God.
Leg up. Arm here.
There we go.
I feel like James
would be such a bossy lover.
No, arm there. No, caress me there.
Leg up. Arm there. Come on.
Yeah. Okay.
"She grabbed her left breast."
If Rocky's written it,
it's possible.
I have to grab it forward.
There we go.
She's on the breast!
I'll take that.
"She squeezed
a nut-shaped nipple..."
Wait, wait, wait.
We've got nuts.
We've got some nuts.
We'll bring you a nut.
Okay,
what have we got?
What would you like?
What nipple would you like?
Should we go with that one?
Yeah, sure.
- That's nice and fancy.
- That's offensive, but, yeah.
No, no.
You hold it.
You hold it where the nipple goes.
There we go.
"She squeezed
a nut-shaped nipple
and followed the outline
with her forefinger."
- "Going, going 'round."
- Going 'round.
- "And 'round."
- And 'round.
"And round."
And round.
"And 'round."
"But increasing the pressure
with each circumnavigation."
Okay, you really give it
some, and you're enjoying it.
You're enjoying it.
"Natasha moaned deeply."
Uh...
"Belinda bent her head..."
There we go.
"...and started to excavate
her damp cave."
No, no, no,
no, no, no. That's quite enough.
Let's stop the music.
Let's get the lights back to normal.
I think that's quite enough.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a round of applause
for Belinda and Natasha.
Take a bow, girls.
Take a bow.
Thank you. Thank you.
I mean, that was...
That was a train wreck.
- That was a lot.
- But, you know, well done, James.
I saw a vagina.
Okay.
"Suddenly,
the girls heard the sound
of the regional
sales managers..."
Oh, my God.
That's why we're here.
I'd completely forgotten
why we were here.
It's like the Beatles have arrived.
"...of the regional sales
manager's cars parking outside.
"They quickly dressed
one another,
finishing just as her subordinates
plodded into the room."
Way to kill the energy, Rocky.
Thanks.
"Patrick O'Hamlin..."
Yay!
Yeah, he's in charge of two
whole countries, lest we forget.
Scotland, and Ireland. Busy man.
"Ken Dewsbury..."
Really? He films women
in his cellar.
Guys, come on.
You guys are sick.
"Des Martin..."
And he dribbles during sex.
God, this lot.
"And Dave Wilcox..."
Oh.
The Ringo of the group,
clearly.
"...slumped into the expansive
collection of chairs."
So, the regional sales managers are
kind of all on the same level, right,
within the hierarchy
of the company?
Yeah, they're all under
Belinda, so to speak.
I actually, um, thought
it'd be useful to see
the kind of company structure
of Steeles Pots and Pans.
Uh, 'cause there's been so much
thought put into these books.
Um, so I actually
have it here. Um...
So, there's Belinda,
the center of it all.
I love that we're
supposed to be turned on,
and we're looking at a chart
of the company structure
of a pots and pans company.
Yeah, it's not the most sexy, is it?
It's also not that useful.
What's really important
is to see who's fucked who.
Yes! So, let's...
let's change that,
and see who's done
the dirty with whom.
Oh, jeez.
Yeah. So, you really kind
of, so, you know...
Wow.
What do all the lines mean?
Yeah. So, red is
"flirting whilst nude."
Um, you
know, so not that much
of that's gone on, actually,
at Steeles Pots and Pans.
Heavy petting
is rife.
A lot of that's
been going on.
That's
the blue line.
Then you've got
all the sex,
which is
the green one,
So again, not that much
going on at Steeles.
So let's widen it out,
and have a look
at the context
with every character
that's ever graced
- the Belinda Blinked universe.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Look at it.
It's like the London
Underground. Look at it.
- I love that all lines lead to Belinda, as well.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Although, and this is so sad,
look, Jim Thompson. Nothing!
Not a sausage, literally.
- Poor Jim!
- Poor Jim!
"But the session
had begun."
Yes, it had.
"Natasha placed three dice
onto the table."
- Dice?
- Dice.
Okay. "And asked
each person to take a throw."
"Patrick O'Hamlin.
He went first." Oh, yeah.
"And with a hint of a tease,
he scored three... sixes!"
Oh, that's good!
That is the best you can
do with three dice.
I'm sorry. What are we playing?
Uh, we're playing dice.
Dice. Yeah, he did say that.
Not a game, but cool.
- "Everyone else groaned..."
- Oh, let's groan.
"...swearing at the luck
of the Irish..."
Bastards.
"...the rest of the RSMs
took their throws.
"Des Martin scored
a good, solid ten..."
That's decent.
"...from a three, a five, and a two."
♪ Nobody cares! ♪
"Dave Wilcox scored a 12...
"...from a five, a six,
and a one."
I love that he's just
filling pages.
"And Ken Dewsbury...
- "...a measly seven."
- Ooh.
Oh, let me guess.
A one, a four, a two.
"From a two,
a three, and a two." Oh.
"Natasha picked up the dice."
Oh, there's more dice,
more dice.
"And she passed them
on to Belinda."
- It's a lot of dice admin.
- Yeah.
"Belinda smiled, but...
"she didn't wink."
Then don't write it. Yeah.
Good to know. Thanks, Dad.
You don't need to
document it if it didn't happen.
"Her quick but casual throw..."
Don't know where they went.
Do not care.
"Her quick but casual throw
resulted...
in a score..." Oh, can we drumroll?
Can we do a little...?
"...of..."
"...four..."
Oh, God.
"...from a one, a two...
and another wretched one."
That's
disappointing.
"Natasha Biles looked
daggers at her..."
"...as a stunned silence said everything
there was to say on the matter.
"Belinda lowered her eyes
and thought...
"Fuck me.
"I've... I've ruined
her exercise.
What's she gonna do to me now?"
Can we get a tiny bit of perspective?
"Natasha said..."
"'That's the end of dice class.
"'Belinda, seeing as
you came bottom,
"'you must spend the rest
of the afternoon...
"'topless.'"
"Natasha took Belinda
by the elbow...
...guided her to the edge of
the room and licked her face."
Oh, God.
- As you do.
- Why?
I literally have no idea what's
going on in this fucking book.
"Secretly, she pulled out a
box of Humphries Dice and Mice
joke shop dice."
My preferred brand.
"And whispered..."
- "'As you can see...'"
- MORTON: Whispered.
"'As you can see,
"'my box of dice
are from Humphries
"'Dice and Mice
joke shop.
"'Suppliers to royalty.'"
It's very good.
It's very, very good.
"'Why, why
you... you, you... why, you..."
That does not say that.
Look.
Oh, it does say that.
Get up, get up.
Get this line up.
"'Why, why you...
you, you...
"'why you, you...
you, why you.
You switched the dice
when it was my turn.'"
That is poetry.
That is beautiful.
"'Natasha declared..."
"'What do
you expect? I am a guru.'"
"Lust and professional respect
pulsed through her body."
Two very different emotions
all at...
"It was as if Natasha could
taste it on her breath."
Oh. Her breath? Have you
eaten lust and professional respect?
Ooh, it's very strong.
Does it repeat?
Is it like onions?
"It was as if Natasha
could taste it on her breath,
"because she slowly
pulled up her skirt...
and flashed her cervix."
Now...
He has done this before.
Dad doesn't know
what a cervix is.
He thinks it's just another word
for vagina.
And, I... Alice.
This is a specific
pet peeve of yours.
It should be a specific
pet peeve of all of ours.
And it is, absolutely. But, I think
particularly, it's a bee in your bonnet.
Yeah. Well, he does just
think that all of the lady bits
are sort of jumbled up in a bag,
and they can kind of go anywhere.
It feels like this would be a missed opportunity
to not clear it up once and for all,
- so can I take two minutes of your time?
- Please.
Please. Alice, you can take four.
Thanks. Okay.
So it will surprise you to hear that we do
do some preparation before the show. I know.
And we were reading this study,
because Rocky does really struggle...
Yeah, he does.
...with female anatomy.
But it turns out,
so do a lot of you.
Because 50 percent
of millennial women
don't know where
their vagina is.
- That's real. That's not a joke.
- It's true. It's a true fact.
This is not
a laughing matter. Okay?
I don't mean they're like,
"Is it here?"
I mean, they, like, don't know
which bit's which. So...
What do you think
that top label is?
They are the...?
I said to the boys backstage, I had
a little peek through the curtain,
I was like,
"We have a room full of FalTu fans."
Yes. Fallopian tubes.
Okay.
Brilliant. Okay. Next one down.
What are they?
Ovaries!
Okay, that was almost
unanimous, apart from a chap...
I'm not gonna look at you, sir, 'cause
I don't want to embarrass anybody,
but in this zone, who definitely
said lungs, but yes, that is...
the... the lungs of the
reproductive system, if you like.
That is the ovaries.
Sir, please be careful.
You are gonna kill someone.
Um... next one down.
I'll give you a little clue.
It's the team player.
You can't spell this without "us."
Yes, it's the uterus.
You betcha.
Um, okay, bottom right, sir,
that's not what it's called.
What is the bottom right one?
Did someone say banana?
It's worse than I thought.
It's higher than 50 percent.
That is the vagina. Okay.
So the last one...
Let's just have just complete
silence for a second.
Um, and I think on the count of
three, we could all do this together.
Because I am gonna have a little
guess that this is not happening
anywhere else in London tonight.
Okay. So on the count
of three, as loudly...
At the top of your lungs,
you might say, sir...
Mind blown. Okay.
Three, two, one...
Cervix!
That was magical. I...
Yeah.
Yeah. Applaud yourselves.
Yeah.
Because you just made
me come, so thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Alice Levine.
Fucking respect.
- That was good.
- Thanks.
"The team couldn't
believe their luck,
"as Natasha and Belinda
unbuttoned their blouses,
"unhooked their brassieres,
and let their respective
tits hang out."
Yes.
Respective tits?
These are my tits.
Those are your tits.
"Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish..."
Oh!
That's, although stupid,
quite nice, "flushed-ish."
- Oh, it's ever so nice to say.
- Flushed-ish.
"Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish
"Patrick O'Hamlin
stood up and said...
"'Hey!"
"'Hey, listen to me.
I got the straight sixes.
"'I'm strippin' off, too.'"
COOPER: Oh.
"Suddenly, Ken Dewsbury
piped up.
"'Fuck it.'"
"'Fuck it. I did no better
than ladies.
- "'I reckon I should be balled naked, too.'"
- LEVINE: Balled naked?
"Then, unbelievably,
"keeping true to his word,
Ken Dewsbury removed
all of his clothes."
I don't want to see it.
"He folded them carefully."
Drink.
Although, I think that's
sexy and respectful.
"He folded them carefully on one
of the wing-backed chairs..."
- Yes.
- That's another drink, isn't it?
"...sitting around the edge of
the recently vacuumed room."
Yeah.
"He then... took care...
to sit on his socks..."
"...so as to not..."
Oh, God,
I don't like it when you pause.
- "...soil the soft furnishings."
- Oh...
Mm. Mm-mm, mm.
Has... Has Ken done a poo?
- Sorry, because he's about to...
- Shit himself,
- or he has... Shit himself?
- I don't know.
Okay, okay.
It doesn't say.
It doesn't really matter, does it?
Really doesn't matter.
It's a moot point.
Shit's coming either way.
Right. Yep.
"Des Martin, never one
to be caught out,
immediately stripped down
to his black thong."
Oh!
I don't care how many times he
writes it, it's not catching on.
Although, in the room tonight, I felt
like there was a lot of support for that.
Let's say 80 percent of the men
are wearing black thongs tonight.
"Natasha thought the session
was going rather well."
What was the criteria?
"Belinda was delighted."
"Dave Wilcox was confused."
"But he promptly stripped off,
for he was a businessman."
And that's what they do, is it?
Yeah. I guess.
"Natasha's
fuckably-shaped breasts..."
Aah?
Don't answer this, either of you.
Just think about it.
What shape are they?
What shape is
a fuckably-shaped breast?
Is it like, a...
Don't answer it.
"Natasha's
fuckably-shaped breasts
"echoed..."
Ga-doon, Ga-doon,
Ga-doon, Ga-doon...
Like one of those,
you know, those exec toys,
that people have on their desks?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Natasha's fuckably-shaped
breasts echoed the maturity
"of her tanned, rounded body,
and good, sturdy legs."
- Sturdy legs, as well?
- Yeah.
Is that sexy? Sturdy legs?
Sturdy legs.
Do you look at somebody like, "Ooh,
I bet she can stand up for hours."
She doesn't look like she needs a chair.
"It was all too much
for Des Martin.
"He simply had to have Belinda,
team building session or no."
"He reached over and pulled
down the boss's knickers."
I just like that
as a turn of phrase.
"You think you're
the boss's knickers, don't you."
Everyone in the room
gasped at his cheek."
Very good.
"And they waited.
Boy, did they wait"
for the slap on the face
he so truly deserved."
"It never came."
Is there no justice?
"Belinda turned 'round
- "and kissed Des Martin..."
- Aw.
- "...deeply..."
- That's nice.
"...on his cock."
- That's really cool.
- That's really cool.
That's cool. That's the
coolest thing I've ever heard.
Isn't that
the coolest thing ever?
How... How do you kiss
someone deeply on the cock?
You tell me.
Tongue down the urethra? I don't know...
Oh, you're gonna answer?
You just... Wow.
It's a guess!
That is the most Rocky thing
you've ever said.
You answered so quickly.
Why didn't you give it a beat?
Pretend you've just
thought of it. Here's what I like:
"Tongue down the urethra."
What a perfect
impression of me.
"Here's what I like.
Tongue down urethra."
"She opened her mouth wide
and took him in."
- Oh!
- Took him in?
That's... "Are you cold?"
"Come on. Do you need somewhere
to stay for the night?"
Stop pointing so much.
We can find it. Thank you.
"...opened her mouth wide
and took him in,
"in one gulp."
Oh, my God.
Has she swallowed his cock? She's,
like, shucked him back like an oyster.
"Des Martin screamed."
- I'll bet he did.
- "I'm not surprised."
"Where's my cock?"
"I had it this morning."
Oh, my God.
Oh, hang on. Sorry. No.
I read it wrong... ish.
"Des Martin screamed
in ecstasy."
Oh. Okay. No, I beg to differ.
I don't think he did.
That sounds aw...
It sounds horrific.
"And..." Fuck.
"...white...
"...semen..."
"...dribbled down
Belinda's throat."
Eww-agh! Okay.
Oh, God.
Would it be...?
I'm literally,
I'm... I'm a wreck.
I'm a wreck of a man.
Your dad... Yeah.
I know!
No, you know. You know. You know.
I don't need to say it. You know, so...
God.
Is it...
a bad time to just ask you to reread the
last line... just recap the last line?
Really? I can't remember
the exact wording of the...
Okay, fine.
"Des Martin screamed
in ecstasy
as white semen dribbled down
Belinda's throat."
Mm. It's no better
on second hearing.
I thought
it might have mellowed.
"Patrick O' Hamlin
could wait no longer.
With a mighty leap and a bound,
he cleared the table..."
Spiderman.
"...catching Natasha
by the breasts."
She's not a climbing wall!
"He threw her onto the
exquisitely laid parquet floors."
"There, writhing
in expectation,
"Patrick O'Hamlin entered her
vagina and tickled her labia."
He "entered her."
It sounds like
he kind of went, like...
with one of those
head torches on.
Yep. Yep.
Good in here.
If you knock that down,
that's... that's the partition.
That pelvic floor,
that can come up.
"Natasha opened her legs wider."
Well, she'd have to. There's a whole
man up there, doing...
...quite an extensive
renovation.
- "And pulled Patrick even deeper into her rampant body."
- Oh, shit!
So it's just a pair of shoes?
Like this. Yeah.
"Meanwhile..."
Back at the office...
"Meanwhile..."
"Des Martin returned
Belinda's mouth
- to his now reinvigorated penis."
- Oh, lovely.
"And started to screw her
politely.
Oh, no, please.
After you. May I?
"Ken Dewsbury had set about
entering Belinda,
and he started to fuck her
with gusto."
- Oh...
- Gusto?
Is that, like...
♪ Ba-da-da dah! ♪
No, that's pizzazz.
Oh.
Gusto, Pizzazz.
There's a fine line.
You do always
get them confused.
"This all left an ever so
bewildered Dave Wilcox,
- who quickly squatted on Natasha's face..."
- Oh, my God.
Don't do it quickly. No. That's a
thing to take your time over, isn't it?
She'll have
two black eyes. Aah!
Just like a... boom!
Ooh!
"...enabling her
to chew his testicles."
This is really rough.
This is horrible, horrible...
I don't want to speak for the
male experience, but I'm gonna...
Look at James! He's like,
protecting himself.
Using your teeth
to chew on a testicle,
I'm just gonna say that might hurt.
It's not advisable, yeah.
It'd be like biting into a pickled
onion, wouldn't it?
- Oh, my God.
- Why?
Why so vinegary?
Not the taste.
The texture, you loon!
"He growled in pleasure..."
He didn't. He just didn't.
"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin
to drain himself."
I've never been
more upset by a verb.
That's disgusting, isn't it?
Draining himself into,
like, a husk.
"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin
to drain himself..."
Stop saying,
"To drain himself."
"...so he could release his
big, throbbing cock into..."
Into the wild.
Be free!
Actual Free Willy.
Oh, my God!
- Very good. Very good.
- That's good.
It's a very different film.
"...so he could fully release
his big, throbbing cock
into Natasha's
womanly creases."
Womanly creases?
- That's actually quite good.
- Is it?
Sounds like he's jizzed in her
back fat or something. Oh, James!
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God.
Thank you for draining yourself.
Oh, my God. "Jizzed in her back
fat." Wow. That is quite the image.
"Belinda Blumenthal...
"plopped Des Martin's
floppy phallus
out of her jaws."
How many people can honestly
say they're not turned on?
I think you'd find it hard,
if you were being completely honest.
Oh, my God. I don't think I'm
ever gonna have an erection again.
So, "Belinda Blumenthal
plopped..." Plopped?
Plopped! It wasn't even flopped.
Plopped.
"...Des Martin's floppy
phallus out of her jaws
"as she watched her
knackered colleagues."
"Her mind got in touch..."
Yes!
Hiya!
"Her mind got in touch to say,
'Eighteen grand well spent.'"
- Eighteen grand?
- Yeah.
That's the most disgusting
part of this whole chapter.
This whole...
I mean, car crash.
- Eighteen grand on what? On some dice?
- Eighteen grand.
Mainly the cleanup,
I imagine.
They had to just burn
the whole thing down.
Getting shit out of upholstery is...
is difficult.
So... so I've heard.
Anecdotally.
- Everyone?
- What?
- "Belinda blinked."
- Yes!
Ah!
And that, thank fuck...
- is the end of the chapter.
- Aw!
Good effort.
Wow.
So, really, there's only
one thing left to do.
Um, and that's thank the man...
the mystery.
The monster.
Yes.
My dad.
Please, guys.
Be upstanding...
...to the great
Rocky Flintstone!
To Rocky Flintstone.
To Rocky Flintstone. Cheers.
To Rocky. To Rocky.
Cheers. Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Thank you guys so, so much for
coming out! You've been amazing!
We have been My Dad Wrote a Porno.
You have all been perverts.
Thank you, and good night.
Woo!