My Brother's Wife (1989) - full transcript

Excuse me, do you think
I could borrow that?

- You mean--
- Yeah.

- Just for a second.
- The powder?

I'll give it right back.

Hello, Barney.

I bought you
a present.

Cute.

I bet your mother's
got her hands full.

Is she making this
the social event
of the season?

Take this slug
to the Jupiter Club.

Now, come on,
I'm sorry. El?



Sorry about that.
She's just working
through her anger.

El, wait a minute.

Hey, El,
very impressive.

I really mean it.
Where'd you get
this temper?

I've been wanting you
to lose it for years.

Have you shown it to
Billy or your mother yet?

I'll make you a deal.
I will give you a ride

if you will totally
change your personality.

For how long?

Is that your
security blanket?

No.

It's nothing.

Come on, El,
how long you gonna
stay mad at me?

It's been four years.



It's been 27 years.

You can see already.

Merry Christmas.
Irene.

Merry Christmas,
Mr. Rusher.

Merry Christmas
to you, too, Ollie.

- Merry Christmas,
Ollie.
- Okay, Billy.

I'll keep mine on.
I got some surprises.

Hi, guys.
Hold up your plates.

Bread, stay right there.

We just have
two debates left...

- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome,
Mrs. Gilbert... Myra.

Myra. Yes, please.

Oh, yes, thank you,
James, definitely.

Here we go.
Merry Christmas.

Oh, yes.
Get one of Myra.

She's our guest.

Oh, sorry.
Merry Christmas.

Oh, sorry.

What are you doing here?

I could ask you
the same thing.

You saw what I was doing.

Do you believe in
fate, destiny?

No, I was just
hiding from my mother.

Oh, you mean the one
who looks like a refugee

from an opera company?

She's not that bad.

What, are you
a damsel in distress?

Don't worry, "dis dress"
looks great on you.

I'm new here,
I don't know anybody.

Could I meet you?

Of course.
But first...

I couldn't possibly.

Not for you.
Sh. Come on.

Walk naturally.
Right in here. Hurry.

We gotta hurry up,
because they're gonna

be in here
any moment.

It's beautiful!

This is your decoration.

I've gotta make
a little stop over here

by the portrait.
I've always wanted to do this.

Sh!

Didn't know
I could play.

There you go.
Merry Christmas, Dad.

Now come over here.

The stockings were hung
on the Christmas tree with care,

in hope that St. Nicholas
would just stop...

Come on, drape it.

Haven't you ever decorated
a tree before?

Now one more thing
this needs

is Mrs. Santa Claus.
Isn't she beautiful?

There you go.
God, that's what
it always needed.

All right, come on in,
everyone.

What?

- Do you remember--
- No. We're here.

How was he
at the end?

He wasn't in any pain.

He asked for you.

Don't say that, El, please.

Don't... say that.

We're due at the mortuary
in 45 minutes

for a family-only viewing,

and then it's back here
for the service at noon. Ollie.

Aren't you gonna wait
for me to change?

Why, are you going to?

Then why did you
come meet me at
the airport?

Obviously just another
exercise in futility.

Oh, Ollie, could you call
Mr. Rusher a taxi, please?

Yes, Mrs. Rusher.

Or you can come
with Billy.

- Barney.
- Hey, Ollie.

I'm so sorry
about your father.

I know.

Oh, uh, I figured
you'd need this.

Oh, come on.
The old tie rule
is still in force?

Mrs. Rusher's
only liberating the women.

You men are on your own.

That's the cream of mushroom
soup I spilled in 1958.

So what's the deal?
Is Billy staying here?

- Haven't you heard?
- Huh?

Your brother moved
back into the club.

She kicked him out.

- She didn't tell you?
- Uh-uh.

Hello, Bill.

Glad you could see fit
to make it, Barney.

Hey, in view of
the occasion,

could we play
bury the hatchet,
at least for today,

now that we're
both orphans.

What hatchet?

Skip it.

You're not seriously
going to wear that to
Dad's funeral, are you?

Is nothing sacred to you?

Hey, this is a loaner tie

to get me to my room
legally, all right?

Can I hitch a ride
with you to the mortuary?

No problem.

No problem.

Can I ask you a question
that's been on my mind
for 20 years or so?

Would you have even looked
twice at Eleanor

if it hadn't
have been for me?

Make your point, Barney.

Did you marry her
because you knew
I loved her?

How unworthy, Barney,
even of you.

But true, right?

If you look
deep down into your heart,

or in your case,
your heart cavity,

you gotta admit
it's true.

- You want the truth?
- Yeah.
- The truth is,

it was never any fun
competing with you
for anything, Barney.

You were too
easy to beat.

Don't jump.

Dis dress looks great on you.

Thought I might
find you in here.

Where else?

Mother thinks you should
join the family.

She's not my mother.

No, she's my mother,
and she's your father's widow,

whether you
like it or not.

Why did you kick Billy
out of the house?

People are arriving.

Does that mean
there's a chance for me now?

Barney, this is a funeral.

I'm sorry, I don't know
what came over me.

I guess I'm just
at loose ends.

Mother's afraid
you're going to make a speech.

Don't you just hate it
when she's always right?

No speeches, Barney.

We're just going to sing
a few of your father's
favorite hymns, that's all.

"A Mighty Fortress
Is Our God."

Whatever.

Billy will play it
on the piano,

and we will sing it,
and the minister will speak,

a few club members
will speak briefly,

a moment of silence
and, bang, we hit the bar.

- Okay.
- Good.

- Tell your mother
I'll be brief.
- Barney!

What's she afraid of,
that I'll do something

to screw up
my own father's funeral?

- Frankly, yes.
- Is that what
you think, El?

Any time we have had
any sort of family gathering

here for the last 30 years,
you have done your best

to embarrass, sabotage,
or mock it.

Because of you, El.

Everything I've ever done
is all because of you.

You should've chosen me
instead of my nice,
straight little brother.

Don't you dare blame me
for the mess you've made
of your life.

Fine. I'll just blame
you for the mess you've
made of yours.

Just don't make that speech.

Still jumping when
your mother claps, huh?

God, I'm sorry,
but I thought

I saw a new spark of
independence in you earlier.

I guess I was wrong.

You can't speak;
you're not a member.

I'm a member.

Your father
had you blackballed.

I am a permanent member
of this damn club.

I've been trying to resign
for 30 years,

they've been trying to
kick me out for 30 years.

It just can't be done.
You know why?

It's against some fundamental
law of nature.

Once you're in, you're
doomed to lifetime membership.

Right?

And this room,
this is the holiest of holies.

The sanctum,
the castle keep.

Barney, grow up.

Is Billy gonna speak?

Mother asked him
to say a few words.

I knew it.

Here's the thing, babe.

I've got something
written down here,

and I'm gonna read it,
all of it, out loud,
out there,

so you run and tell
your mother that,

like the dutiful little
daughter you always were,

still are,
and always will be.

Barney?

Barney, Barney, Barney.

Once again, I am obliged
to excuse myself

from a pleasant occasion

in order to deal with
my eldest son.

Come down here, Barney.

It seems to me that your
whole interest in this world

is to interrupt those
few rare moments of
social intercourse

which we manage
to create for ourselves.

Now what is
the difficulty, Barney?

Look at me!

I'd really appreciate
an answer.

I don't have
an answer, Dad.

You've been disruptive

from the very beginning.

You were even born in
the middle of a dinner party.

Your mother had to leave
before the dessert.

I'm sure you ate it for her,

or did you even
notice she was gone?

Dr. Russell told me

the first thing
you showed to the world

was your rear end,

and you've continued to
show us very little else.

The historical record
is replete with examples.

Nursemaids in tears,
cooks packing their bags,

cleaning women
cowering in corners

while you covered them
with your BB gun.

I tried to civilize you.

I sent you to kindergarten,

first thing you write
is a four-letter word.

First thing you draw
is the male member.

On Winnie the Pooh.

I send you to parties,
you pin the tail on the hostess.

You're a good student,

but you flunk history
because all you'll study about

is riots, revolutions,
and Franklin D. Roosevelt.

And now, this.

Do you consider yourself
a man or a boy?

I consider myself...

in the middle.

I see.

And which do you wanna be
for the rest of your life?

A man.

And which do you think

you've been this evening
at the Christmas party?

- All right, I was a boy.
- A boy.

A baby. Your younger brother
is out there playing the piano,

acting twice your age.

My friends have
suggested that...

you miss your mother.

I do.

So do I.

I know you do, Dad.

Sometimes...

I miss her so much,
I almost...

lose control.

- Why don't you?
- What?

Lose control.

Why would I want
to do that?

Maybe it'd be good for you.

I fail to understand
what benefit can be derived

from losing control.

You certainly put it
to no useful purpose.

- Maybe I'm just bad.
- Nonsense.

You don't know me, Dad.

Well, it's not too late
to repair the damage.

You can apologize.

All right, I apologize.

Out there!

You mean make a speech?

You're my eldest son,
and you've got to answer for it.

Whose names are on these walls
more than any other?

- Yours.
- Ours.

Who was the first
president of this club?

My great-grandfather.
I know, Dad.

I know who shot
that moose in Wyoming,

and who dragged
those poor fish

out of some lake
in the Adirondacks,

and whose name is on
this damn tennis cup.

Why, Barney?
Why do you scoff?

I don't know, okay?
I don't know.

Well...

are you going
to apologize?

No.

Why not?

Because I can't, okay?
Not to them.

Then you will stay in here
until you can.

Merry Christmas, Barney.

I'll never apologize.
Never.

Do you hear me?

Never!!

All right, I told her.

What?

Mother. That you were
determined to give a speech,

and now I'm going to
give you a little speech.

- Look, El--
- No. Just shut up
and listen.

After this day is through,

after we have
put your father to rest,

quietly or unquietly,
I'm through.

I am leaving Boston.

I've spent my life
running back and forth

between you and Billy
and my mother and myself,

and maybe you were
born to this, but I wasn't.

- I can't wait
to get the hell out.
- Is there another man?

No. Why is that the only
thing you men ever think?

- Another woman?
- Nuts to you, Barney.

Abandoning the family, El,
that's very modern.

I am not abandoning
my family.

You're a fine one
to preach, aren't you?

Whose heart are you
gonna break now that
your father's dead?

How did we ever
come to this, El?

All I've ever done
is love you.

Maybe that's the problem.

Maybe you should've
done something else.

Don't jump!

Don't jump?!

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

- Do you need some help?
- Did they catch you?

No, no. That was
very gallant of you

not to turn me in.

That's me, Robin Hood.
Saving damsels in distress
is my specialty.

- Want a hand?
- Desperately.

I mean to get inside.

I never thought
I'd see you again.

What's your name?

Eleanor Goldberg.

- Goldberg?
- I mean Gilbert.

- Why'd you say Goldberg?
- We changed it.

- Are you Jewish?
- No.

My dad said anything
ending in "berg" is Jewish.

My father's Jewish,
but my mother made him
change our name to Gilbert.

So we got a Jew
in the club.

No, he's in Harrisburg.

- Harrisburg's Jewish.
- Stop.

I'm not sure, but I think
this is love at first sight.

Has that ever happened
to you before?

Oh, I, I... no.

It's great, isn't it?

I'm just visiting
for the holidays.

Oh, that's even better.

Tragic, star-crossed
lovers like Romeo and Juliet.

What's your name?

Oh, no, if I tell
you that, we're doomed.

I told you my name.

Oh.

- Rusher.
- Rusher?

Rusher.

Am I supposed
to know that name?

Are you serious?
You've never heard of us?

Then we were
destined to meet.

Oh, good. Why?

Sh. See, when
I was a child,

an old gypsy woman
placed her finger
between my eyes,

and prophesized that
I'd marry the first girl

who had never heard of
the house of Rusher.

That's you.

What's that?

The house of Rusher,
that's this.

My ancestors are plastered
all over these walls.

Is this just
the immediate family?

Wit. She has beauty
and wit.

Oh, thank you,
gypsy woman.

Listen, you and I have
to get to know each other
intimately. Come here.

Come on.
We haven't much time.

Could we continue
this conversation out there?

- No.
- Oh, please.

Why do you wanna
go out there?

Because of my mother.

She wants me to meet
people my own age,

and I wanna show her
that I have.

- I'm not a trophy.
- Oh, no, I didn't--

- I can't.
- But why not?

That old gypsy woman,
she put a spell on me.

If I go out there
with those people,

I'll bleed to death.

You better come with me.
Come on.

- Where?
- We're gonna go
to a movie.

There's this neat little
movie theater in Cambridge.

It just shows classics.

Tonight, they're showing
Robin Hood with Errol Flynn.

Can you believe it?
That's gonna always
be our movie.

Come on.

I'll give you
just five more minutes.

Excuse me, young lady,

but this boy has just
five more minutes.

Is that your father?

No, it's just someone I pay
to tell me the time.

Come on, let's go
out the back way.

If anyone tries to stop us,
I'll run 'em through.

- You got any money?
- No.

Eleanor, there you are.

What are you doing
in this musty old room?

I... I...

The boys are out there,
Eleanor.

Boys and parties happen to
occur around pianos and people.

I know that, Mother.

I'm just shy.

Oh, that's part of
your charm, darling.

You just don't realize it.

Then how could you,
sitting around Harrisburg,

playing chess
with your father?
Now come, have fun.

Could I just stay
for another minute?

No.

Now, chin up.

Shoulders back.

Smile.

Ah, pretend you're having
a perfectly marvelous time.

- I can't pretend, Mother.
- Of course you can.

That's what growing up is.

Now you go out there
and stake your claim.

I've decided
to stay.

You mean for supper?

I mean for good.

Here in the city.

What about Daddy?

Well, uh...

I... I finally
decided to do it.

I am going to divorce
Myron Gilbert.

This visit was
a trial separation.

I have tried,
and I am separating.

I am tired of seeking out

every second-rate
bridge group and garden club

and church supper, looking for
some sense of connection.

Never again.

Not for me.

And certainly not for you.

This is it.

What is?

This club.

This is the real thing.

And that is why
I paid $63

for your velvet dress,

and why I want
you out there

by that piano with
everyone else.

We are going
to stay here,

and I am going
to launch you,

and you are going
to pick and choose,

and marry a man
and know what it means

to be happy for
the rest of your life.

Mother.

Oh, my darling.

My precious.

I must find
the salle de bain,

and adjust my face.

Okay, Mother.

That was a joke, right?

You staged that
for my benefit.

I mean, no one says
things like that

unless somebody else
writes it and gets
paid for it.

Don't make fun
of my mother.

I'm sorry,
it's just so easy.

Now's our chance,
let's go.

- I can't.
- Why not?

- I just can't, that's all.
- Because of her?

What are you afraid
she'll do, string you
up by your thumbs,

or take away
your allowance?
Come on.

Now's your big chance.
Freedom.

Live life.

Oh, darling, I know
my decision
to settle here

must be a big
shock to you.

It is. It really
is, Mother.

But Eleanor, Eleanor,
you are my whole life.

Everything I do
is for you.

You are all I can
depend on to make me happy.

Come along, darling.

No, Mother,
let's go this way.

- Are you all right?
- Yes, really,
I'm fine, Mother.

There's someone
I want you to meet.

Did you happen to notice
the young boy playing piano?

- Billy?!
- No, Mother.

He's an absolute
dreamboat,

and I hear his father
is Charles Rusher,

who practically
owns this place.

Come on!

♪ Come and behold Him ♪

♪ Born the King of angels ♪

♪ Oh, come let us
adore Him ♪

♪ Oh, come
let us adore Him ♪

♪ Oh, come let us
adore Him ♪

♪ Christ, our Lord ♪

Bill, Bill,
I want you to meet someone.

Myra?

Charles, I'd like you
to meet my daughter, Eleanor.

I'm glad to meet you.
This is my son Bill.
Bill Rusher.

Hi, Bill.

- May I?
- Please, be my guest.

- You play?
- Well, just a little.

You play very well.

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season
to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Don we now
our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la ♪

Anybody but Billy!

♪ Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

- Hi, Muffy.
- Hi, Muffy.

I'll get you something
to drink if you like.

Oh, no,
this is great.

Hi, Dan.

I'm in seventh
heaven now.

Oh, Bill,
so silly.

No, I really am.

Surrender the dame
and no one gets hurt.

Take a hike, Billy.

Barney, why don't
you grow up?

I claim this woman
by my right.

I'm the eldest son,
the heir apparent.

If you're so suave,
how come you don't even
know how to cut in?

Because I know only
one way to cut in, buttercup,

and that way's
kinda permanent.

Barney.

Dip.

El, do you wanna tell him
where to go, or should I?

The tango is a secret
shared only by two.

One, two, three,
you're out.

Barney, I was
dancing with Billy.

You and I had this date
from the beginning, Blanche.

Barney, would you
let go?

No, come on, I got
a bone to pick
with you, lady.

Come on, Barney.
Barney, let me up, please.

Why are you going to
Bermuda tomorrow with Billy

for the rest of
spring vacation?

Who told you?

- The word got out.
- Who?

Word got out, El.

Whoever told you
is a big, fat stinker.

You're right.
It was your mother.

She said I could just
stop telephoning you
after today.

Is that what you want?

I just wanna
go to Bermuda.

A whole bunch
of us are going.

She said you organized
the whole damn thing,

and you never even
asked me. Why?

'Cause I knew
you wouldn't wanna go.

Damn right I wouldn't
wanna go.

Frolicking around
that crummy island

with a bunch of
superficial Ivy Leaguers.

You see? You see
the way you are?

Was this
your mother's idea?

No, it was mine.
I do think for
myself sometimes.

Oh, really?
Do you really?
Do you?

I worked all summer
on the Cape to pay for this.

Who do you think's
paying for Billy?

I don't know,
and I don't care.

- I know; my father's
paying for Billy.
- So?

So he'd never
pay for me.

He's mad at you 'cause
you flunked out of college.

I didn't flunk out
of college, I left,

because they wouldn't let me
on their stupid fencing team.

I don't blame them.
You wanna do it like Robin Hood.

Hell, who wants to
just stand there?

You know how they
make you stand?

You gotta put
one foot here,

and one foot here,
and then squat.

You can't move
in this position, El.

I just wanna go
to Bermuda and have fun.

Please, El, come on,
stay here with me.

There's nothing
to do, Barney.

What are you talking
about, nothing to do?

Snow's gone,
there's no more skiing.

We could go
ice skating.

We could take walks
on Beacon Hill.

We could eat ice cream
at Brigham's,

and God, we could
just be together, El.

Boston is so beautiful.

God, it's like
a lantern for lovers

in the forest
of the world.

Come on.

Come on.

Tonight's
the night, El.

For what?

It.

It?

It.

Where?

You mean it?

No, I just
mean where.

Come on,
come on.

In here?

Yeah, this is
our room, El.

Can we have
the lights on?

Okay.

The dance will
be over soon.

That doesn't matter.
We've got all night.

Says you, you don't
have to go home to my mother.

Neither do you.

El, I've thought
this thing through
completely.

Billy will think
you got tired and
I drove you home.

I told my father that
I'm staying over at
a friend's house.

I called your mother,
told her Billy's car
broke down,

and you're sleeping
over at Lucy Dunbar's.

- You called my mother?
- I was very polite.

You shouldn't have
done that, Barney.
She'll suspect.

No, she won't.
I was brilliant.

So you see,

everyone will think
we're someplace else.

Maybe we should wait
till after Bermuda.

That way, we'd have
something to look
forward to.

I won't be here when
you come back from Bermuda, El.

I was drafted today.

Drafted?

There's a war on.
I may never come back alive.

Oh, sure.

I knew you
wouldn't believe me.

Do you want
to take a look

at a draft notice?
Read this.

Oh, Barney, what have
you got to do?

What any coward
would do.

Join the Navy
and pray the ship
keeps moving.

See, that's why
I don't want you
going to Bermuda with Billy.

But it's all planned.

Life isn't about plans, El.

It's about taking risks.

It's about
following your heart.

Follow your heart, El.

Follow.

Follow.

Follow.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

I smuggled all this in
this afternoon.

Barney...

I'm gonna put
Bermuda to shame.

Now come here.
Come here.

Look.

Oysters.

Oysters?

Smoked oysters are supposed
to be terrific for sex.

- How?
- And voila.

Châteauneuf-du-Pape.

Compliments of Pop.

And...

we are going to drink it...

out of this.

The holy grail.

Actually,
it's the citywide

Mixed Doubles
Invitational tennis cup

that my mother and father
won in 1956.

Oh, Barney,
you're crazy.

You're a big,
dumb nut.

You are so beautiful.

Oh, Barney.

You are.

Oh, El, don't go.
Stay here with me.

Oh, Barney,
it's just a week;
it's no big deal.

It's a week, El.
If you go with Billy now,

while it's still
easy to say no,

you're gonna run with
that crowd for the rest
of your days.

El, come on.

Don't let fear
run your life.

What am I afraid of?

Your mother.

I'm a lot closer to
my mother than you are
to your father,

and you're just jealous.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I just don't
know what to do.

Hey, listen.

When in doubt,
dance.

Oh, Barney, you make
everything seem so simple.

I love this bush music.

Oh, shut up, Barney.
Just shut your trap
for once, please.

I think it's time
we slipped into
something more comfortable.

Huh?

- What's this?
- Look at it.

Barney.

Barney.

Barney!

It'll look
great on you.

What are you doing
in there?

Just... just change, El.

I'll be right there.

I can see the moose
through this.

This is
the night, El.

This is
our night.

Okay, here we go.

Barney, the dance
is breaking up.

Don't worry.

I'm so confused,
I don't know what to do.

Come on, El,
stick with me.

Mother always says
when I'm confused,

I should think about
what I want most.

Eat some oysters.

What I want most is...

is to get my
eight hours' sleep,

and to go to Bermuda
and lie on the beach with Billy,

and the whole gang,
and to play tennis,

and listen to the Whiffenpoofs
at the Elbow Beach Club.

You want Whiffenpoofs,

or a real man?

Oh, my.

Bermuda's for beginners.

This is the pro shop.

I'm going to Bermuda, Barney.

I love those people.

You're bad for me.

I'm bad for you?

Yeah, Mother says so.
She says you're a beatnik.

A beatnik?
She called me a beatnik?

Yes, and she's right.

Whenever I'm with you,
I get all mixed up.

Eleanor, your mother
spends her time

reading scouting reports
on divorced investment bankers,

and memorizes
opera plots.

How can you listen
to someone who thinks

all that stuff
is important?

You're too much for me.
I wanna go home.

I want the key.

Barney.

If I can't have you,
I'll never have anyone, El.

Eleanor,
are you in there?

It's me, Billy.

No, Barney, get dressed.

Only if you don't
go to Bermuda.

Eleanor darling.

It's your mother.
Are you all right?

Barney, why did you
call her?

- Get dressed!
- Bermuda no?
- Bermuda sí.

- Barney!
- Dad?

Barney, this is it.
This is the end.

Do it, Charles.

I'm coming in
there, Barney.

Stand back, everyone.

I've got the master key.

Oh, God.
Thank God.

All right,
go home, everyone.

I'll handle this.

You see what
I told you.

Car breaking down,
my eye.

Barney.

Remove that tablecloth
when I'm speaking to you.

Okay, Barney,
what's the story?

I got drunk
and took a shower

and passed out.

Eleanor found me
and locked the door

so I wouldn't
get embarrassed.

You don't believe that,
do you, Dad?

And my smoking jacket--

how did that
happen to be here?

Billy, why don't you
drive Eleanor home?

If she prefers
to be with Barney,

I really can't persuade her
otherwise, Mrs. Gilbert.

That's very mature
of you, Billy,

but under the circumstances,
I think you should just do it.

Why don't we fight it out
on the tennis court like men?

What is your problem,
Barney?

All right,
that's enough.
Both of you.

Perhaps it would be better
if Eleanor went home
with her mother.

Uh, yes, yes.

All right, yes.

Come along, Eleanor.

Why don't we let
Eleanor decide?

Billy, would you
drive me home, please?

No, El, don't.

It's not what
you think, Barney.

Yes, it is.
This is your life.

It's the turning
point right now.

This moment,
it's your wake-up call.

- Come with me and
I'll dodge the draft.
- Barney!

At least I can get
a student deferment.

You know what
you can get...

Let's go before this
gets any more ridiculous.

El, El, please.

Have a wonderful time
in the armed forces, Barney.

"Have a wonderful time
in the armed forces, Barney"?

Now...

- Barney.
- I know, I know, Dad.

Go into the bathroom
and put on my clothes, right?

And take off
that smoking jacket.

- Oh!
- Later.

I don't think we heard
the entire story, Charles.

There was obviously
some hanky-panky going on,

but I think it's
safe to say

that we...
nipped it in the bud.

Well, you were right
to telephone, Myra.

Oh, well, I just hope
I didn't wake you up.

Uh, no, I was, uh...

- reading in bed.
- Oh.

Oh, well, so was I.

- Really?
- Yes.

- What book?
- You'll laugh.

No, not at all.
Tell me.

The Black Rose
by Thomas B. Costain.

Am I hopelessly
middlebrow?

No.

Actually,
it's quite risqué.

Is it?

Yes, it tries to paint
an accurate portrait

of what went on
in the Middle Ages.

And what did?

I won't tell.

Well, I imagine
whatever went on then

still does.

Oh, Lord, yes.

Absolutely.

Hurry up
in there, Barney.

Of course, now,
with all the confusion,

I doubt if even
a good book will do it.

Do what?

Put me to sleep.

We can't wait
any longer, Barney.

You'll have to get
home by yourself.

Okay, smile
for me, please.

That's good.
Great, thank you.

One more, please.
Good.

Okay, fellas, come on,
help me out here.

Okay, say money.

Money!

Would you girls
like some cake?

- Yeah.
- Oh, good.

Right there, guys.

All right,
one for you.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

There you go.

Get a fork
right over there.

You can finish now.
Thanks.

Hi. Hello, George.

Eleanor.

All right, Barney,
I've done it.

I've married Billy,
and we're going to be happy.

Eleanor.

Hello, Charlie.

When do I get a chance
to dance with the bride?

Oh, any time,
any time at all.

What are you
doing out here?

Eleanor?

I was looking for Barney.

Barney?

I know,
it's silly--

Eleanor, sweetheart,
Barney's in San Francisco.

I know, but I thought
he might just arrive.

Oh, how could he?
The Navy wouldn't let him.

Ship leaves for
the Far East today.

It's his second
tour of duty.

He's decided to make
a career of the Navy.
You know that.

I know, and he wouldn't
do anything to jeopardize
his career,

I mean, now that
he's found one.

I just have
this awful feeling.

- I have the same feeling.
- You do?

That he might turn up?

I wish he would.

Don't you dare tell
anyone I said that.

- You do miss him.
- Of course I do.

I won't get a decent
night's sleep until
this insane war is over.

Have you ever
told him that?

No. Somehow,
we always seem
to get sidetracked.

Yes.

Oh, Charlie,
have I done the right thing?

Well, of course
you have.

It's just
wedding day jitters.

I hope that's
all it is.

Eleanor, you see
this cup?

My wife and I
won this cup in 1956.

Our names are
right there.

I know.
Someone showed it to me.

Eleanor, I tried
to win this cup

every year after
we were married,

and we never
even came close.

Then in 1956,
we won it hands down.

Do you know what
allowed us to win?

No. What?

We found our rhythm.

There wasn't a point
we played that we
weren't in tune.

It was absolutely
exhilarating.

Sounds ideal.

Ah, it was.

It was so ideal,
I've never married again.

That's sad, Charlie.

No, not really.

I can think about it,
remember it,

see it in others;
I see it in you and Bill.

Our game has
its problems.

That's what I'm saying;
you need to practice.

But someday, you and Bill
will have your names

right here on this cup.

Do you think Barney will
ever have his name on it?

I used to hope so.

Maybe he doesn't
want to win.

Not at mixed
doubles anyway.

There you are.

Guess what just arrived?

What?

A wedding present
special delivery
from Barney.

Oh. I'm delighted
he's remembered

his manners
on one occasion
anyway.

You won't say that when
you hear what it is.

I took the precaution
of opening it.

Why? What is it?

A picture frame.

What's wrong with that?

It's what's in
the frame.

What?

His picture.

Well, that's
touching.

A picture of Barney.

In his sailor suit?

In his birthday suit.

Barney sent
as a wedding present

a picture of
himself nude?

Full front. 11x13.

In Kodacolor.

Good Lord!

- And...
- And?!

- How do I say this?
- How do you say what?

He had a great big
white bow tied around his...

Dinghy.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Oh, thank heaven he is
a million miles away.

That's what
I told Eleanor.

Well, that's what I told
those two sailors at
the main entrance.

Sailors?

They looked like sailors.

They had leggings
and arm bands,

and cute little
nightsticks like policemen.

Myra, that's
the shore patrol.

What are they
looking for?

For Barney.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Charles.

Lovely party,
isn't it?

Oh, Harriet,
I love your hair.

Hi, Gil.

Okay, baby.

One more peep outta you,
and I'll plug ya.

Okay, I want you to call
your daughter, all right?

Oh, Barney, please,
don't do this.

Do it.
Can you see her?

- She's dancing with Billy.
- Call her.

Yoo hoo.
Yoo...

Tell her you're drunk,
you're sick, you've
got the whirlies.

- Eleanor dear, I need
your assistance.
- That's good.

Please leave her alone.

Let her be happy.

She'll be happy
with me.

She is married,
they have furniture.
They have linens.

Great. She won't have to
change the monogram

since Billy and I have
the same last name.

She loves Billy.

Barney!

Eleanor, Eleanor,
he has a gun.

Oh, Mother, it's not
a gun, it's a branch.

No wonder we're
losing the war.

- Leave us alone, Mother.
- Eleanor.

I can take care
of this, Mother.

Eleanor, please.

Tell Billy that
I'm fixing my dress.
Period.

Fine.
All right.

Bravo. When did you learn
to stand up to your mother
like that?

What are you doing here?

I went AWOL
and grabbed a plane.

- Let's go.
- AWOL?

Yeah, I got a rented car
parked at the service entrance,

aimed at the turnpike.
Will you come on?

Barney, I'm
married to Bill.

That's fair enough.
Billy gets the wedding,
I get the honeymoon.

Come on.

You're supposed to be
on some ship, you're
a deserter.

Oh, no, I'm
a conscientious
objector.

I object to Billy,
and so do you.

What about
your career?

El, you are
my career.

We'll drive
all night, El.

We'll change clothes,
change lives.

We'll cross borders.

Get away from me.

I wanna kiss
the bride.

Oh, I do love you,
Barney, I do.

Where have you been?
Why didn't you come sooner?

Come on, Charles,
hurry up.

I'm right
behind you.

Young Lochinvar
out of the west.

About to sweep the bride
off her feet?

- We were just
leaving, Dad.
- No, you're not.

Yes, we are,
right, El?

Eleanor.

Nobody is leaving,
Barney, except you,

and you are leaving
by the side entrance

where the shore patrol
is waiting to fly you
back to your ship.

Shore patrol?

Two of the nicest boys.
One's even a Negro.

I'm going my own way.
Stay back.

How did the shore patrol
know how to find you, Barney?

I'll bring them in
if I have to.

No, wait, please.
How did they know, Barney?

I don't know.

I mean, how did they
know to come here,

right here to
this club?

- Did you tell someone
you were coming here?
- No, I...

You did, didn't you?
You told everyone.

- Your captain,
your buddies...
- I didn't tell my--

You probably wired
President Nixon

and said, "Help, send in
the cavalry at the last minute."

Okay, I might've
told one guy.

You left a trail
a mile wide.

You made sure you
couldn't get me,

because you didn't
wanna get me.

- How can you say that?
- 'Cause you're terrified
of getting me.

That's not true.

Okay, Barney, you can
keep on playing Robin Hood,

and have your merry
shore patrol men

rush in here
and ruin my wedding,

or you can get
the hell out of here quietly.

I'll go quietly.

Good-bye, Dad.

I'll call someone in
Washington.

We'll get you off
with a light punishment.

Good-bye,
Mrs. Gilbert.

Frankly, Barney,
I think it would do you

a world of good
if they put you

in the clinker,
or the jug, or the mess,

or wherever it is
they put you in.

Good-bye, El.

Good-bye, Barney.

I still love you, El.

Get going, Barney.

I do.

I think you and Billy
should get dressed

for your wedding trip.

Don't look so sad,
Eleanor.

Next time you see Barney,
he'll be just another
member of the family.

That's what's so sad.

Has this child already
been baptized or no?

No.

We have prayed
that our Lord, Jesus Christ,

would receive him
and to release him from sin.

Doest thou therefore,
in the name of this child,

renounce the devil
and all his works?

The vain, pomp,
and the glory of the world,

and the sinful desires
of the flesh?

I renounce them all,
and by God's help,

will endeavor not to follow
nor be led by them.

Doest thou believe only
the articles of
the Christian faith

as contained in
the apostles' creed?

Uh, yes, I do.

Wilt thou be baptized
in His name?

I just was.

I mean, I will.
I mean, that is my desire, yes.

James is absolutely
the most active baby.

He gets into things
I didn't even know
he could get into.

It's incredible,
it really is.

See, nothing's changed?

Except us.

Nine years.

It's a long time.

Come on in.
It won't bite you.

We haven't had
a chance to catch up.

- Shall I, uh...
- Just leave it in case.

In case what?

Oh, in case
the baby needs me.

Oh.

I really appreciate
your coming all the way
from San Francisco.

Hey, for my own godson?
You kidding?

I guess, though, as far
as Billy's concerned,

this one's a write-off
with me as godfather.

Well, let's just say
he's cautiously optimistic.

- I'll bet.
- Come sit.

I'd rather stay mobile.
Thanks.

Same old Barney.

You look marvelous.
The California sun.

You look fine, too.

Ugh, me, I'm a cow
since the baby.

Well, since three babies.

I'm two sizes larger
upstairs.

- Lucky baby.
- Now, now.

Lucky Billy.

I said now, now.

Why'd you ask me
to be the godfather, El?

Oh, I don't know.

My third child,
probably my last.

I guess I thought that
someone in my family

ought to have
a connection with
something outside these walls.

That's why I came back.

I needed some connection
inside.

I thought...

Do you wanna deal with...

He just needs changing.

Bill will get it.
He's terribly helpful.

- Terribly.
- Don't start.

- Barney.
- He likes it.

So tell me all about you.
It's been so long.

Well...
after the Navy,

I finished college
on the G.I. bill.

I know that.

I want to hear
all the gory details.

Did you have a chance
to sow your wild oats?

The Navy was eons ago.

I know.
Well?

I tried.
I tried.

I'm sure you did.

Hint, hint.

I got married.

Barney.

Not legally,
but it was like marriage.

She was Vietnamese.

I lived with her
whenever we were in port.

We even had
a little house.

Well, what happened?

I wanted to
bring her back.

I went to the embassy,
filled out papers,
everything,

but then...

I chickened out.

Because of your father.

Because of you.

Oh.

I'll never love
anyone else.

Honey, please.

I can't... I don't know
what to do with him.

He wants you.

Come on, James,
please.

Oh, sweetie,
what's the matter?

- Oh, big boy,
come here.
- I need a drink.

Cheers.

Oh, Mommy's here.

Yeah, Mommy's here.

Oh, my big boy, huh?

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, don't cry 'cause
you look at Uncle Barney.

Look, look. Oh.

Hi, Jimmy.

- Let's go see Uncle Barney.
- Hi, big guy.

You wanna go to
Uncle Barney?

Oh, his face
lights up.

Hi, little guy.

Jimmy.

Is he supposed to look
like Winston Churchill,

or is that just me?

It's okay,
sniffle, sniffle.

You wanna see
a real healthy tongue?

He needs a nap.

Ground zero.

Yeah. Walking puts him
right out.

You're just tired.

I'm like that, too,
without sleep.

Watch out now.

Okay, look,
his eyes are going up.

I think he's about
ready to go to sleep.

- El, did I tell you--
- You don't have to whisper.

I'm going back
to Berkeley.

Why? You already
finished school.

I'm going for
my PhD.

- In what?
- The Middle Ages.

The Middle Ages?

I'm gonna focus in on
the idea of courtly love.

What is that?

There was a whole
movement of men
back then

who were in love
with married women.

And what did they do?

They worshiped
from afar.

Didn't they ever
just come around?

Not much.

Why not?

It was too dangerous.

Barney, Eleanor.

Charlie.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I've just had to
call the police.

- Police?
- There's trouble.

Old Mr. Sidley went down
to take his afternoon dip,

and what should he find but
three naked Negroes

and a Jewess,
all splashing around

- in the pool.
- They're my guests, Dad.

They're your what?

They gave me a lift
from Berkeley.

They were hot, and they
hadn't bathed in four
days, so...

Welcome home, Barney.

Eleanor, I wonder if
you'd phone the police,

tell them we were mistaken.

Yes, all right.

- Barney.
- Sir.

I would like you to go
down to the pool,

and ask your guests
to put on their clothes

and come up to
the main room,

and lift a glass to
my newest grandson.

I will see that they are
made comfortable

because they are
your guests,

and the cardinal rule
of this club is hospitality.

All right.

And then, I'm going to do
something I should've done

ten years ago.

I am hereby blackballing you,
my eldest son,

from this club.

You will no longer
be welcome here.

I wish you well
in Berkeley,

I hope you come home
now and then to visit.

You are my son,
after all,

and I love you,
but when you return,

you may not, repeat,
not come to this club.

We will go out
to a restaurant.

We will be shown
to a dirty table

in a dark corner
by a cheap woman
who chews gum.

After an endless wait,
she will bring us
watery cocktails,

crackers wrapped in
cellophane,

call us "honey,"

and serve us
lukewarm coffee

with the main course.

That's what democracy
is these days,

and that apparently
is what you want, and I'm sorry.

If that's what you want,
I'm sorry, too.

It's not what I want,
Barney, and never has been.

But I can't change
what I am,

and you can't accept it.

Excuse me, there's a phone call
for you, Mr. Rusher.

Take a message,
would you, Ollie.

I've just started
my soup.

It's from your son.

Tell Billy I'll
call him later.

The other one.

Oh.

Charles, your soup
will get cold.

Excuse me.

Thank you, Ollie.

Ollie, would you please
cover Mr. Rusher's soup?

I'll keep it warm
for him, madam.

There you are.

What on earth
are you doing in here?

Well, what did he want?

Money again?

Yes.

Hm. For bail again?

No, he wanted seed money
for a business venture.

Oh, Charlie, when are you
going to stop doing this?

He doesn't have
a dime.

And whose fault
is that?

He lost a perfectly good
teaching job

because he was
organizing the students.

To protest certain
irrelevancies in
the curriculum.

Oh, Charles, when is he
going to learn to accept things

just the way they are?

I am suddenly
very tired.

Well, so am I.

I am tired of your
tearing yourself apart

over that boy.

I mean, he is
simply de trop.

Oh, Charles,
you have

a wonderful,
hard-working son,

and a lovely
daughter-in-law.

We have three very,
very cute grandchildren.

- They tire me, too.
- Charlie.

I mean it, I don't
like going there.

Meals are noisy,
the television is
always blaring away,

all that endless talk
about schools.

You are getting old.

Yes, I am.

And I want to be with
people my own age.

Why don't we get married?

What?

Why not?

Well, I...

thought you were tired.

I am.

Let's lean on
one another

in our autumn years.

Think about it.

Take your time.

I'll go see about
the boy.

After long
and careful consideration,

I accept.

Uh, we'll have
a small, sober ceremony.

Just family members only,
don't you think?

But I think we should
have music.

We'll get people dancing.

Oh, remember, Charles?

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven ♪

♪ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪

Oh, hell,
let's have a party.

Oh, let's have a biggie.
Oh, Charles.

Oh, Charles, yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes.

That's fine, dear.

You make
the arrangements.

"You make the arrangements."

Why do I always attract
such exhausted men?

Twenty-five by...

Nineteen and...

Three-quarters.

Mother, what are you doing?

I thought you quit.

I was just measuring
this ratty old furniture.

I am going to put
slipcovers on everything

I can lay my hands on.

Not this room,
Mother, please.

Just leave this room
like it is.

All right.

You're the boss.
This is your day,
after all.

It's not just mine.

Well, you fought for it.

It's all because of you
that women now have
the run of the club

every Thursday.

- We all fought.
- You were the leader.

So why aren't you
out there enjoying it?

I got bored.

Well...

Why don't you
go bowl or play golf

or something?

Hey, better yet,

go out and meet
the new members.

You just can't run away
from the whole shebang.

If Charlie knew you were
hiding out in here,

when you fought
tooth and nail

for women to be out there,
he'd have another heart attack.

He didn't even call me.

Who?

Barney.

Eleanor...

I sat by the phone
all morning.

He didn't even call.

He was at the hospital
seeing his father.

He still could've called.

Well, he's a very busy man now.

Or so he says.

Anyway, I cannot
stand around here

sympathizing with someone
who did not receive
a telephone call

from a crazy
brother-in-law.

I have been sitting
around hospitals for weeks.

I'm gonna try my hand
at

And one thing's for sure.

He can't come back here.

He's blackballed.

May I help you?

No, I'm just looking.

Are you a new member?

No, I'm not actually.

I'm a guest.

But I have a member.

Hi, beautiful.

Barney!

Dad told me it was
women's day,

but faint heart
ne'er won fair lady.

Well, it worked.
It really worked.

I'll say. One of the waiters
made a pass at me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Listen, can I take these off?
These heels are absolutely
killing me.

Look at these clothes.

They must've cost
a fortune.

They did.
I'm rich now.

Ranching must not only be
romantic, it must pay well.

Ranching?

I always knew when you
finally settled down,

it would still
be adventurous.

Oh, that's right,
ranching.

No, I'm not
a rancher, El.

I did own a ranch
for a little while,

but that was just
speculation.

- Speculation?
- Yeah.

See, what I do is,
I buy very large
tracts of land,

usually pristine,
unspoiled wilderness,

and then I just sit back
and wait for the developers

to pave a path
to my door.

Oh.

Also, I buy old buildings
much like this one

for the pleasure of
tearing them down.

In my spare time,
I play the stock market.

You see, I have
this compulsion

to see how much money
I can make.

I'm between planes
at the moment, so come on.

Fill me in
all about you.

- Oh, me?
- Yeah, you.

Dad said you're
the high priestess
around here now.

Oh, I do my bit.

I've got a part-time job.

Hey, doing what?

Family counseling.

I went back to school
like everybody else,

and now I'm an expert at
keeping families together

on Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays.

Are you any good?

I'm great at solving

everyone's problems
but my own.

So how was Charlie?

Alive, so to speak.

Thanks to the wonders
of plastic tubing.

The doctors say he'll be fine.
He just needs to slow down.

He was trying
to eat a steak, El.

What?

For lunch.

Every time we ever
went out to dinner,

that was his order.

New York steak, medium rare,
lightly charred.

But this was one
of those, um,

gray pieces of
hospital meat.

I asked him if he wanted
me to cut it for him,

but he was too proud
to have any of that,

so there he was,

cutting away with
his shaking hands and...

The thing is,
when he went to eat it,

he forgot he was wearing
his oxygen mask,

and his fork
kept hitting it.

So he'd move it aside,
and then he'd eat,

and put it back,

and I knew he'd keep
forgetting it, you know,

and he just kept...

I just sat there.

I just...
I couldn't move.

I couldn't say a word.

Oh, Barney, it must be
so hard for you

to see your father
like this.

Yeah, well,
that's the way it goes.

It's okay.

How's Bill taking it?

I trust in
his usual stride.

Not missing a step.

I've got a vacation
coming up.

I thought I might
come visit you.

What?

I'd like to come visit you.

Visit me?

Yeah, for
a few days.

Maybe a week.

What, you and the whole gang?

No, no.

Just me.

Separate vacations
are good occasionally.

I've learned that much.

Last year, Bill went
duck hunting, and I...

He went duck hunting.

Let me tell you
something, El.

While you were learning
about separate vacations

and duck hunting, you wanna
know what I was learning about?

I was learning that
it's hard as hell

to stay away from home

when you're in love
with your brother's wife.

You didn't have
to stay away.

I wrote you many times
to come visit us.

"Visit us"?

That's terrific.

You expect me to stay
downstairs in the guest room

while you and Bill
are upstairs doing it

to late-night television?

Bill's never up that late.

And I can't seem
to get any sleep.

El, do you have
any idea

the amount of time
I've spent in therapy

trying to make peace
with this,

trying to figure out
a way to just
be friends with you.

Friends?

Friends? What, are you
disappointed?

You expected more?

What do you expect,
do you expect to just

fly out to California
for a fun-loving weekend

with your old
brother-in-law?

Get those
home fires burning,

then fly back to
the nest here?

- Barney, please.
- What's the matter with you?

Are you sick and tired of
the swinging suburban scene?

What do you people
do here, I forget.

You go in, throw
your keys in the center
of the rumpus room,

and then go home with
whoever picks them up?

- You think I would do that?
- I don't know, do you?

Or maybe you got
something different going

with those suburban sisters
out there in the main room.

Equality of the sexes, friend.

Time was when this
might've ended in a kiss.

What makes you so noble?

You chose the wrong guy, El.

You sold yourself short.

Oh, and you.
What about you?

At least I preferred
the challenge of going
my own way.

Bulldozing
the wilderness?

What did you think,
that I was Albert Schweitzer

- or Woody Guthrie?
- Yes.

Some sort of
mythic folk hero,

fighting the good fight
like Robin Hood?

I don't believe
what I've done.

To think I kept myself
going all these years

thinking about you.

Wondering what you
were up to,

dreaming of you
out there missing me.

So it's good-bye
then, huh?

Yes, good-bye.

I don't wanna look forward
to your visits anymore.

There's no point to it.

We should've done
something about us

a long time ago.

Yes.

What a large woman
that was.

She's from out of town.

Uh, Billy's on the telephone,
and he wants to know

what time he should
put the pizza in the oven.

Tell him I'll, uh...

Oh, Mother,
I don't wanna go home.

Eleanor.

Eleanor, my baby.

Oh, baby.

Its okay.

Oh, it's okay.

I'm seeing this place
for the last time.

Come on, Dad,
you're just having
a bad day.

What brings you
home this time?

To see you, Dad.

- Do you need money?
- No.

You're not gonna get
any more money out of me.

I don't want
money, Dad.

- You in trouble?
- No, I'm fine.
Free and clear.

- Sit down.
- I'm okay.

I said sit down.
There.

Yes, sir.

You going to see Eleanor?

- No.
- You sure?
- I'm sure.

Thy shalt not covet
thy brother's wife.

Thy neighbor's wife.

Doesn't matter.
Nobody reads the Bible
these days anyway.

You've been badgering
that poor girl for 25 years.

It's over, Dad.

She chose Bill.

I know.

You lost, Barney.
You lost the game.

Now get off
the damn court.

Do it. We're not
fooling around here.

They're having...
problems just now.

I don't want you
taking advantage.

I'm going,
it's all going.

The club's going,
did you know that?

I heard.

On the market.
Nobody wants to
keep it up anymore.

The waiters steal,
the pool leaks.

Up for sale.

Won't be the same,
will it?

What do you care?
You never liked
the club anyway.

- I always came back.
- Only to make trouble.

- Not always.
- Always.

Not this time, Dad, I--

Oh, here it comes.

What do you want?

I'd be delighted if you
finally figured that out.

I want your blessing.

You know the story
of the prodigal son?

Man had two sons,
one good, one bad.

The bad one comes home,
and the father kills
the fatted calf.

Even after all
the trouble he's caused.

That father
was a fool.

Bill gets the fatted calf.

He needs it.

He's got three children.

He's been at the wheel
all this time.

Fine.
I'm with you.

All you've ever done
is break up the party,
am I right?

- Am I right?
- You're right.

- Why?
- Why?
- Yes, why?

I'd like to know.

Before I die.

I'd really
like to know.

- You're not going--
- I am dying,
and we both know it.

One thing there's
never been between us,

God knows, is
the sparing of feelings.

- Let's not start now.
- Right, Dad.

So... why?

I blamed you
for Mom's death.

Your mother's death.

I thought you
mistreated her.

You were formal and distant.

She needed
something else.

Barney, your mother
died of cancer.

I didn't say
it was rational.

That idiotic notion...

I'm trying to explain.
Will you listen?
You listen to me now!

That damn tennis
championship

you always
go on about.

That damn trophy
you won.

You understand that
you remember it

because it was the only time
that you and Mom

were ever in sync.

But Dad, that was
the aberration.

That was the exception.

You know, you
never saw her.

You never saw me.

I saw you,
Barney.

I've seen you
all your life.

You're a person
who didn't wanna play

by the rules,
because you didn't
like them.

I understood that.

I just never
approved.

Is that what you want
now, my approval?

No, Dad, I want
your blessing.

Your acceptance!

I don't want you
to approve of me.

God, I'd be disappointed
in you if you did.

Just accept me, Dad.

Can you even look at me?

Can you wish me
good luck?

Okay.

Okay, fine.
Thanks anyway.

Barney.

There's a psychiatrist
at the club.

Jewish fella,
you'll be happy to know,

who once told me
that the trouble
with the world

is that everyone
is trying to kill his father.

Do you agree with that?

No.

And, he said,

if I understand
him correctly,

that that's what
you've been trying to do

your whole life,
trying to kill me.

Dad, no, please.

Did you really come here
just to see me?

To see you, Dad,
I promise.

Why wasn't it different
between us?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know either.

It's odd.

It's very odd.

Um, I'm very tired.

I'll take you back.

No, just
leave me here.

Myra will
come for me soon enough.

Good-bye, Barney.

Thank you for
stopping by to see me.

Good-bye, Dad.

Now we really are
ready to begin.

Mother says
all right already.

You can give
your speech.

Just keep it
brief and respectable.

Barney.

I can't do it.

I'd stand up there
and cry like a damn baby.

Oh, Barney.

You do it.

- Me?
- Go on, I'm
staying in here.

Oh, come on, Barney.

This isn't a speech,
it's some sort of document.

It's a deed.

- A what?
- A deed.

It's a deed;
I bought this place.

You what?

I bought it,
the whole damn place.

- It's mine.
- But what for?

I don't know.

I thought, uh...

I wanted to give it
to the old man.

I think it's fabulous.

It's dumb.

No, no,
it's a terrific thing.

It was dumb.
I'm a dumb clown.

All my life, making faces
in front of a mirror.

I'm still doing it,

and the mirror isn't
even here anymore.

I think it's terrific.
I'm gonna go out there
and tell them.

Fine, you do that.
And while you're at it,

tell them to clear
their smellies out
of the locker room.

I'm gonna have
this place torn down.

Tear it down?

You wouldn't do that.

What else am I
gonna do with
this damn thing?

I don't know.

I mean, what would
Robin Hood do?

Oh, come off it, El.

No, no. What does he do
at the end of the movie?

- I don't remember.
- Well, I do.

He wins this great contest
and gets his castle back.

And then what,
sits around and pays

huge property taxes
to the sheriff of Nottingham?

No, no, he lowers
the drawbridge,

and he opens the gate,
and all these people rush on,

they're singing and dancing
all over the place.

- Oh, sure.
- No, it's true.

And you have the feeling
he'll turn it into
a wonderful place

and Maid Marion helps,

and they get together
and start the Renaissance.

I thought you were leaving.

- Where are you going?
- None of your business.

- And what are you
going to do?
- None of your business.

- I.E., you haven't a clue.
- I.E., none of your business.

I have a life
of my own, you know.

I've had jobs, I've--

El, I didn't bring
the shore patrol
with me this time.

There's no seventh
cavalry waiting for me

in the wings
to rescue me.

Why should I
believe you?

Why? Because everything
I've ever done was for you.

No, it wasn't
for me.

It was for
your father.

Well, he's gone now,
isn't he?

I'm free, El,
and so are you,

just like we were
right here in this room

twenty-five years ago,

before your mother came in
and put the screws to you.

Remember?

Just what do you two
think you are doing?

There happens to be
a funeral going on.

I'm sorry,
Mother.

Oh, Eleanor.

My precious,
my baby.

Once again, once again,
it's just the two of us.

Oh, you are all I have
now, my darling...

Ready for another
25 years?

I think I went mad
three minutes ago.

Eleanor, I need you.

No, Mother, you
don't need me.

You're a big girl now,
you can take care of yourself.

Well.

Not only have
I lost a husband,

but it seems I am
to lose my daughter as well.

What can I say?

Bravo.

Congratulations.

The mountaintop
at last.

You were great.

Yeah, great.

You know you're
my whole life, El.

You're the only good,
decent, solid thing

I've ever had.

That's who I am, you know.

A person who loves you.

Oh, Barney.

We never existed
outside this room.

We never once
left this room together.

If we did, we'd go up
in smoke, we'd vanish.

We have to try.

Come on.