My Brother's Shoes (2015) - full transcript
Directed by Adam Reeves, "My Brother's Shoes" is a fish-out-of-water zany comedy that borders on fantasy and reality. Dallas, portrayed by country singer Peter Stringfellow, is a successful...
(beeping)
(gentle instrumental music)
(energetic instrumental music)
(ice clinking)
- Hey Dallas.
Did you see the email?
- Yeah, I just read it.
- I can't believe we're
just now hearing about this.
- Well, you gotta
love our clients.
- I guess that means we're
all working late tonight.
- No, Mitch, there's no
need for you to stay over.
I can handle it.
You go home.
- Are you sure?
- Get out of here
before I change my mind.
I can just go over the
presentation with you
in the morning before
the client gets here.
- I love you, boss.
- Go on.
(energetic instrumental music)
- Austin, I said Manhattan up.
This is on the rocks.
- Sorry.
- Are you sure you're okay?
You really don't seem
to be very focused.
- I don't know.
I'm just not in a
great mood tonight.
I just feel depressed
all the time.
- Tell mama.
- It's just the same
old thing every day.
My life is going nowhere.
I'm going nowhere.
I just don't see any light
at the end of the tunnel.
- What about moving
to a new apartment?
I mean, you're right.
Your place is depressing.
- I can't afford a new place.
I can barely pay rent
on the one I've got now.
- But you make good money here.
Don't tell me you don't.
I see you shakin' your little
money maker over there,
getting your tip
jar over flowing.
What are you spending it on?
- Rent, gym, student
loans, credit card bills.
Oh, and let's not forget
my most recent expense,
the entry fee for the upcoming
Ms. Glam Diva Contest.
That alone was 350 bucks.
- Oh, that's right, I
almost forgot about that.
That's tomorrow night.
What's the prize for
first place this year?
- $5,000.
- $5,000, there you go.
That's your ticket out of here.
Win that and your
troubles are over.
- And that's easier
said than done.
You must be forgetting I
am the one who has entered
that contest for three
years straight now.
- Oh, that word.
- Okay, sorry, three
years in a row now.
- Thank you very much.
- And I have yet to even place.
Not runner up, not
honorable mention.
Not even a Miss Congeniality.
- But you have me this year.
We're going shopping.
We'll get you a whole new look.
You'll look fierce.
What's the drag name you're
going to go by this year?
- The same one I use
every year, Helen Blazes.
- Oh no, honey.
We have to change that too.
- What's wrong
with Helen Blazes?
That's a great drag name.
- This is from a man whose own
parents named their two sons
after cities in Texas?
Dallas and Austin?
So what do you know
about good names?
- Like what?
What do you think
is a good name?
- Virginia Ham, Kitty
Litter, Anita Martini,
Mary Wanna, Chan D'Leer.
- Helen Blazes.
- Helen Blazes.
Oh no, no way.
- I'm sticking to the name.
I've used it in the past
and I'm using it again.
I have a following.
- Oh, you have a following?
Okay, Helen, okay.
But we have got to get you
a new ensemble to wear.
- And that takes money.
Money I don't have.
- What about your
brother Dallas?
He's doing well.
He can help out.
- Are you kidding me?
I already owe him money
from the last couple
of times I asked him for help.
He's not gonna help me again.
- Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.
We need to get you a new
outfit for the contest.
Don't you want to win?
(fingers snapping)
Uh, no.
You are not snapping
your fingers at me.
- I think they
want their drinks.
- Oh, you think?
Snapping your
fingers is not going
to get me to come
over there any faster.
- [Customer] Oh yeah, what will?
- Talk to my left honey,
because you ain't right.
This conversation is not over.
I'll be right back.
In the meantime, call
your damn brother.
- Oh, what the hell.
(keys clicking)
(phone ringing)
- Hello Austin.
Look, I can't talk
a lot right now.
I'm here at the office.
Yeah, I gotta work late.
It's a big project, an ad
campaign that I have to finish
for a presentation tomorrow.
I'm trying to get it
done and get out of here,
so keep it short.
- Well, maybe I can help.
Is it a fashion ad?
Underwear ad?
Swimwear campaign?
- Now what would you
know about fashion?
- Oh, come on, I'm gay.
It's what my people do.
We are born with
the natural ability
to accessorize and beautify.
It's kind of like
your natural ability
to fix a car engine
or scratch your balls.
- (laughing) I don't know
how to fix a car engine,
and leave my balls out of
the conversation, okay?
But you, fashion, style?
Come on, you wouldn't know
how to layout a fashion ad
if your life depended on it.
Hell, I've seen how you dress.
- It's funny you should
mention dress and fashion.
It's kind of the
reason I called.
- Why would you
call me about that?
- I need you to do me a favor.
- Which translates into I need
you to loan me some money,
which translates into
again, which translates into
it's really not a loan because
I will never pay you back.
Am I right?
- No, I will pay you back
this time, I promise.
What's it for?
What is it for?
What's it for?
It's for, it's for a new gown.
- What?
Are you fucking kidding me?
That's important?
- You don't understand.
I entered the Ms. Glam
Diva Contest tomorrow night
and I have to win and
first prize is $5,000
and I need that
money to pay you back
and I waited to the
last minute to get ready
and if you don't help me out,
there is no way I
am going to win.
Hello?
- I do not believe that
you are asking me for money
so that you can buy a dress.
Okay, a gown, whatever.
You're really something.
You're a piece of work.
- No, but this is an emergency.
I want to win that contest.
Do you know how many
times I've tried?
Wait, of course you wouldn't.
You've never come
to one of my shows
or one of my fundraisers
or one of my events
or anything that I've been
proud to be a part of, huh?
- God, here we go again.
God, you sound
just like my wife.
Austin, I really don't
have time for this.
I gotta get back to work
and home to Katelyn.
She's been acting
weird tonight too.
Something's up with her.
- Please, please, please,
just loan me the money
just this one more time and
I will never ask you again.
- No, that's it.
- I swear to you this
is the last favor ever.
You said you would do
anything for me, right?
Well, please do this for me.
Please.
- No! Goodbye brother.
(sighing)
- Hello?
Hello?
- Good news, I take it?
- I love my brother
but sometimes he
just makes me so mad.
I mean he doesn't get it.
He doesn't understand
what's important in life.
All our lives, as
we were growing up,
everything came
so easy to Dallas.
Everything he touched
turned to gold.
- Oh, stop, you're
breaking my heart.
Like your life has been so bad?
- Well, not tonight.
I'm sick of being alone.
If I can't get the
money than screw it.
I might as well go out
and have a good time.
- Uh-oh.
- There's a whole
world of men out there
who would be happy
to be with me.
It's like a whole
big forest of men.
And I am ready with my axe
to chop down the first
tree I see, baby.
- All of this because your
brother said no to a loan.
- Screw my brother.
- Okay, I'll screw him
I've seen him, he's hot.
- If he doesn't understand me,
then might as well go out
and have the crazy life
he's always thought I had.
He thinks being gay means
I have sex all the time.
We don't have to deal with women
and their emotions and needs.
He thinks I have no worries.
No serious problems.
He thinks I have a great life.
- You're starting to scare me.
- Jackie, I'll see
you in the morning.
But if my apartment
is a-rockin',
then don't come a-knockin'.
I'm headed home early.
I'll leave your tab
open if you want.
Jackie will take care of you
if you need anything else.
- Nah, that's okay.
You can close me out.
How much do I owe you?
- The same as last night.
The same as last week.
The same as last month.
You always come in here,
you always have one drink,
it is always the same drink,
and it always costs the same.
Wow.
Did I just say that?
I'm sorry.
- It's quite all right.
I know you're
having a hard time.
I couldn't help
but overhear some
of your troubles on the phone.
- Well, that's life, or I
should say well, that's my life.
My brother has no
clue how lucky he is.
- Too bad.
Maybe I can help you.
- Oh, are you my knight
in shining armor?
Are you going to
pay for my gown?
- (chuckles) No, I wish I could.
But I might have something
that could help you.
This has always
brought me good luck.
Maybe it'll do the same for you.
(mysterious instrumental music)
- Well, that's the first
time he's left me a tip.
Maybe my luck is changing.
- So sorry I'm so late.
- It doesn't matter.
You're home now.
- You wouldn't believe
the work I have to put in
to get this presentation
ready for tomorrow.
I don't know what I was thinking
when I told Mitch
he could go home.
- That's nice, sweetie.
But you're here.
- I mean, I don't know how
much help he could have been.
I'm the one who is really
doing all the work.
And I'm the one
the client likes.
- Sweetie, I ...
- I mean,
the client only deals with me.
But that may change tomorrow.
He's really been disappointed.
- Dallas, stop.
- I'm sorry, honey,
I'm just really tired.
I think I'm gonna go downstairs
and have a drink and unwind.
Maybe a hot shower.
- Can you hang on
for just one minute?
I've been waiting up all
night for you to get home.
I just need to talk to
you about something.
- Katelyn, I'm so
tired right now.
Can't it wait?
Whatever it is you want
to do is fine with me.
I'm sure you can handle
whatever it is on your own.
You've always had
that special magic.
- Um, actually, for
this magic trick,
I am going to need my
beautiful assistant.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, according to Dr.
Bales, my obstetrician,
tomorrow night is the perfect
time for us to conceive.
I'm my most fertile.
- Wow, are you sure?
- Well, I'm not
but Dr. Bales is.
- Well, I'd much rather deal
with you than Dr. Bales.
- So this is it.
We are going to have a baby.
Finally.
- Katelyn?
- What?
- Don't get too excited.
I don't want you to get your
hopes up if it doesn't work.
You know this will be
the third time to try.
- And third time's the charm.
- I just want to make
sure that you're prepared
for three strikes you're out.
- I can't believe
you're saying this.
It's gonna work this time.
I can feel it.
- Yes, I'm sure
you feel confident
but you were so confident
last time and the time before.
I just don't want to see
you get depressed again
like last time.
I just don't want
to see you that way.
- Stop.
Stop talking about
the other times.
This will work.
- But if it doesn't work,
Dr. Bales mentioned some
other options last time
that we may want to consider.
It could be me.
Maybe we just
weren't meant to ...
- Stop it.
Don't talk like that.
It will work.
If you keep talking
about it you'll jinx it.
I don't want to hear about
other times or other options.
This will work.
It will work.
- Of course it will.
Of course it will.
- Please, let's just
not talk about it.
Tomorrow night.
It will be great.
Talking about it
will only jinx it.
- Okay, we won't talk about it.
- Or we'll jinx it.
- Or we'll jinx it.
(gentle instrumental music)
Are you sure we have to
wait until tomorrow night?
- Yes.
Cool your jets, Tiger.
Save it up for tomorrow night.
- Not even a sample?
- No (laughs), tomorrow night.
- All right, well, I'm
going go down stairs
and have that drink and
take a long hot shower.
Looks like I'll need it
since it's only going
to be sleeping time
for me tonight, right?
You want anything?
- No, I'm fine.
Just save your strength
for tomorrow night.
(street sounds)
(panting)
(sighing)
- I need a break.
(sighing)
- You want a cigarette?
- You got one?
- No, I don't smoke.
- Then why did you offer?
- Just, just trying
to be helpful.
Something I can do to help?
- No, I'm fine, just
give me a moment.
- You want me to get on top?
- What?
Hell, no.
I'm no fucking bottom.
- Just trying to be helpful.
- I was there that night.
You did a great job.
You should have won.
- Thanks
- You looked really
hot up there on stage.
- Um, okay.
- I have a confession to make.
- You want me to put
on my priest's outfit?
Would that get you hot?
- Ever since I saw
you that night,
I've been trying
to track you down.
- Should I be worried?
- I wasn't sure what you
looked like out of drag
so I asked around
and someone told me
that you worked at Shelby's.
So I went in there
a couple of times
and saw you working
behind the bar.
- I don't remember
seeing you there.
- Well, I didn't sit at the bar.
I sat at a table.
I was too nervous
to say hi to you.
- Now, now, shyness is not an
attractive feature for you.
Wow, I think this is a first.
I've never had my
very own stalker.
- Well, I was worried that
you were with that waiter.
You know, the one
you're always talking to
and laughing with.
- Who, Jackie? (laughing)
Ewww.
No, we're close
but not that close.
We're more like sisters.
And I could never find
my sister attractive.
But Lord help the mister who
comes between me and my sister.
- I couldn't imagine
my luck tonight
when you walked into
The White Swallow.
I was ready to leave
and then you came in.
There you were.
You were all alone.
I couldn't believe it was you.
I was ready to rape you
right then and there.
I just,
well, I'm ready to go again.
(breathing heavily)
(grunting)
- What are you doing?
What are you looking at?
- Nothing.
Austin?
- Yes?
- Will you do something for me?
- Anything, I'll do anything.
- Will you put
the wig on for me?
- What?
- What? Just for a second.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Come on, please.
I'm so close.
- Oh, my God.
Get out.
GET OUT!!
- What the fuck's your problem?
- My problem?
What's my problem?
Well, I thought you
found me attractive.
I thought you wanted
to make out with me.
I thought you wanted
to be with me.
- I did.
I do.
- No, you don't.
You didn't want to be with me.
You wanted to be
with Helen Blazes.
You thought she would be here.
- That's not it exactly.
I thought you were cute.
I wanted to get to know you.
- You wanted to get to know me?
- Yeah.
- So should I put this on
so you can get to know me?
Would that make you hot?
Would that turn you on?
Would that make you
finally shoot your load?
- Would you do that for me?
- Get out.
Go find some chick with a dick
because there's not
one to be found here.
Maybe then you can
finally get off.
Because obviously you have some
problems in that department.
- Fuck you.
I don't need you analyzing me.
I have no problem getting off.
The problem is you.
Right, you're one
fucked up individual.
- I'm sorry.
Don't go.
I don't want to
be alone tonight.
- No, you need to
be alone tonight.
I don't like whoever you are.
- Don't go, please.
Please stay.
- If Helen comes to town,
have her give me a call, okay?
'Cause whoever you
are, me no like.
- But there is no Helen.
There is only me.
(door slams)
Only me.
Only me.
(sound of shower running)
(phone ringing)
- Honey, your
brother's on the phone.
- Hey, will you
grab that for me?
Tell him I'll be right there.
- Austin?
Hey, it's Katelyn.
How are you?
Are you okay?
Dallas is just getting
out of the shower.
It will be a minute.
Can you hang on?
Oh, I'm fine.
When are we going
to see you again?
It's been too long.
He sounds upset.
Austin?
Dallas just got
out of the shower.
Here he is.
- Hey, what's up with the
two calls in one night?
- Dallas, would
you do me a favor?
Would you and Katelyn
come see my competition?
I know you're not really
comfortable with that sort
of thing but it would
mean a lot to me.
- Wow, um.
- Nevermind, no.
Forget it.
No, I didn't think
you would accept
but I thought I would just ask.
I mean it would mean a
lot to me, but I get it.
I understand, it's
asking too much.
- Now wait a minute.
I didn't say no.
I just have to think about it.
When is it?
- Really?
You would come?
Dallas, that would
mean so much to me.
You'd really do that for me?
Are you sure you're
okay with that?
Are you sure?
- Sure, if it means
that much to you,
Katelyn and I would love to
come see you in your show.
When is it?
Tomorrow night?
Oh, yeah, tomorrow night.
I'm not sure what
we have planned.
- You can't do anything
tomorrow night.
You're with me making a baby.
You have to tell him no.
- Okay, okay, I'll tell him.
I'm sure he'll understand
if I just explain
to him what's going on with us.
- No, you promised me
not to tell anyone.
We weren't gonna talk about it.
It's between us.
- Not even my brother?
- No, you'll jinx it.
- But this is my brother.
I can tell him what's
going on, can't I?
- No, please.
Promise me.
- Hey, uh, Austin?
Yeah, I can't come to your show.
I'm sorry.
Katelyn just reminded
me that we have plans.
- Just like that?
Suddenly you, you have plans?
Is that really it?
Is it plans or is
it just cold feet?
- Cold feet?
What is that supposed to mean?
I told you we have plans.
No, I don't have a
problem with going
to some event of yours.
You know that.
I would do anything for you.
I just can't come to your show.
- Don't worry about it.
You'd do anything for me?
Really?
Wow.
What a joke.
You know, I don't
need you there.
I don't need your money.
I don't need your support.
I don't need anybody.
Okay, I can do
this all on my own.
- Hello?
Hello?
Well, that went well.
- I'm sorry, but thank you.
It means a lot to me.
- But this meant
a lot to Austin.
Now he thinks I have a
problem with him being gay.
- Honey?
- Yeah?
- I've never asked
you this before.
Do you?
- Do I what?
- Do you have a problem
with Austin being gay?
- Do you mean do I care
that my only sibling runs
around dressing like
a woman part time
and sleeping with men full time?
No, I'm thrilled.
- So you have a problem?
- What guy wants to
have a gay brother?
I mean, I didn't wish it.
When Mom and Dad presented
me with a baby brother,
I didn't look down at the baby
and go "Oh, boy, I hope
he turns out to be gay."
But I accepted it.
I've learned to accept it.
- So do you wish
he were straight?
- Yeah, no, I don't know.
He is what he is.
I don't want to talk about it.
- Honey, I'm sorry.
Thank you for
keeping our secret.
I love you so much.
No, save it for tomorrow night.
I want your little
soldiers well rested
and ready for action.
- I think I'll go
take another shower.
This time a cold one.
(gentle instrumental music)
(door knocking)
- Come in.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Don't tell me you're
just getting up?
- Heck, I'm almost ready.
- So, did you have a
nice night last night?
I don't see any used
condoms on the floor.
Did you play safe or
did you not play at all?
- Listen, I don't
want to talk about it.
How was the bar after I left?
- Oh.
Oh, it quieted down.
You didn't miss a thing.
Where should we
start with first?
- Start with what?
- Shopping, come on.
We have to get
going if we're going
to find you the right
outfit for tonight.
- Oh, shit, I totally
forgot that was tonight.
Hang on.
Damn it.
I don't have any cash and my
credit cards are all maxed out.
Can you loan me ...
- Neither a borrower
nor a lender be.
Besides, you still haven't
paid me back the last time.
- When did I ever
put the bite on you?
- Honey, you've bitten
me so many times,
I should be sleeping in
a coffin during the day.
- Wait.
Wait, I know where I
can get some money.
I left the tip jar down
at the bar last night.
It should still be there.
That is unless you touched it.
- Would I steal from my sister?
Never, I promise.
- Well, let's get down there
before somebody realizes
that I left it there.
(suspenseful music)
- Ugh, this place smells like
a sweaty men's locker room.
Do they ever clean it?
- Now don't start
getting all turned on.
We have work to do.
- I'm going to go tinkle.
I'll be right back.
- Don't forget to put the
toilet seat down before you sit.
- [Jackie] Oh, my
God, you are so funny.
- I am.
(playful music)
(phone beeping)
(sighing)
Damn it.
(phone beeping)
(sighing)
He's always had
everything so damn easy.
He has no idea what it's like
to struggle and get nowhere.
He has no idea.
(coins clinking)
- What is his problem?
Why is he being so needy?
Doesn't he know how
complicated my life is?
- I wish he could just
see what it's like
to be me for one day.
- He has no clue about my life.
You know, he should
be me for a day.
(coin rattling)
(suspenseful music)
- Honey, are you all right?
(suspenseful instrumental music)
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Let me get you some water.
- Good morning, Dallas.
Great job on these layouts.
The client's going to love it.
We're all set for the
one o'clock presentation.
I took the liberty of
calling his assistant
to confirm the time.
I'll let you know
when I hear back,
but we should be all set.
- What?
- Wow, you look terrible.
You must have really
pulled an all nighter.
I'll go and get you some coffee.
- Coffee, no, I, I.
- All right, suit yourself,
but you could really
use an energy drink
or a power bar or something.
You pull yourself together.
I'll get going on the
final spreadsheets
and then we should be set.
Maybe you should put your
head down on your desk
and try to get a
couple of winks.
- Yeah, I need to rest.
I need to think.
- Oh, and Dallas?
Once again.
Great job.
I can't wait to show
the client the layouts.
This should go great.
(fantasy instrumental music)
Are you all right?
Dallas?
- I'm fine.
- Okay, I'll see you at one.
- What the hell is going on?
- What did you have
to drink last night?
Maybe you should
put your head down.
- What?
- Put your head down.
Head down.
You know, like you did for
your little date last night.
- Date?
What are you talking about?
- Call it what you like
but you look awful.
If you were flying right now,
you'd have to pay extra
for your oversized bags.
Look at yourself.
(eerie music)
(chair squeaking)
(phone ringing)
(suspenseful music)
- Hello?
Dallas?
Where are you?
I think I am in your office.
- Something really
weird is happening here.
I don't know how I got here.
Do you have any memory of going
to my office this morning?
- This is definitely
your office.
There's a picture of
your wife on the desk.
Hope it's your office or Katelyn
has some 'splainin' to do.
- All right, Austin, here's
what I need you to do.
I need you to go over
to my office door
and shut it and lock it.
Well, if it's, if it's already
shut then just lock it.
I'm coming over.
Stay there.
I'll be there in ten minutes.
Don't open the door.
Don't talk to anyone.
Is that clear?
- Lock the door.
Don't talk to anyone.
But I don't get it.
Why?
What's going on?
Why do you sound so mad?
You're really freakin' me out.
Just tell me what's going on.
- There's a plaque on
the wall near my desk.
It's really a mirror.
Go over there and look at it.
- All right, I'm walking
over to the plaque.
(screaming)
(phone hang up)
- Christ.
I need to use your car.
Do you have one?
- Do I have a car?
You know I do.
How do you think we got here?
- Great, I need to borrow it.
Uh, I'm sorry, what's your name?
- What's my name?
Did you hit your head on
the way down to the floor?
Don't you know who I am?
- I'm sorry I don't,
but I need your car.
I have to get to my office.
- What office?
Honey, I think we need
to get you a doctor.
Maybe you've got
amnesia or something.
- Look, look, I
don't need a doctor.
I just need your car.
- Okay, okay, but you just
let Miss Jackie drive you
because you're in no
condition to do so.
- Fine, go get Miss
Jackie and we'll go.
- Are you kidding me?
Come on, I'm
driving, Miss Daisy.
Just tell me where the
hell your office is.
- I thought you said
her name was Jackie.
- Never mind.
Don't forget your tips.
Oh, what the hell.
- I'm frightened, Auntie Em.
I'm frightened.
(buzzer ringing)
- Mr. Trent?
Your brother Austin
and a friend of his
are here to see you.
Mr. Trent?
- Yes, yes, I'm here.
Send them in.
Hello?
(playful music)
- Unlock the door.
- Oh my God, oh
my God, oh my God.
What is happening?
- Just relax.
Calm down.
We will figure this
out, just relax, okay?
(yelping)
- Oh my God, oh my God.
- Just calm down.
Hold on.
Breathe, little
brother, breathe.
- I don't get it.
I wake up here in your office.
I have no idea how I got here.
I look in this mirror and
I see you instead of me.
- And I look and I
see you instead of me.
- And I look and I and
see two crazy bitches.
What are you guys
going on about?
Look, you're both fine.
I see Dallas and I see Austin.
And here I see Dallas
and I see Austin.
- But I'm not
Dallas, I'm Austin.
- And I'm not
Austin, I'm Dallas.
- And I'm not
Jackie, I'm gorgeous.
What crazy game are we playing?
- Seriously?
You don't see anything wrong
with what you see standing
in front of you and what
you see in the reflection?
- No, sorry.
- But I'm Austin, I'm Austin.
Why can't you see that?
(door knocking)
- Just a minute.
Hey, what's up?
- Oh, hi, I don't
think we've met before.
I'm Mitch.
You must be Dallas' brother.
- Mitch, what are you doing?
I know who you are.
- We've met before?
- Met before?
- Oh, you are?
- Confused.
Sorry, honey, Jackie.
My name's Jackie.
Or is it?
- Yes, you're Jackie.
- Yes, you're Jackie.
- [Mitch] Nice to meet you.
- Nice is not what
I have on my mind.
- Dallas, the
assistant just called
to confirm the one
o'clock meeting.
We're all set.
Are you feeling better?
- Um, meeting?
- Yes, we're all set.
- Yes, we're all set.
All set for the meeting
thingy with the client person.
- We were just discussing it.
Could you leave us
alone for a minute?
We're having a family
meeting right now
and we need to finish up.
- Sure, I didn't
mean to interrupt.
It was nice meeting you.
Dallas, I'll see you at one.
- Oooh, child, he is fine.
- Tell me about it.
- All right, you guys.
Will you be serious
for a minute.
Meeting thingy?
Client person?
What the hell was that?
- Why are you yelling at me?
- Don't you get it?
Mitch looks at you
and he sees me.
Mitch looks at me
and he sees you.
- Mitch looks at me
and he sees heaven.
What is the problem?
Why do you two go on
and on about this?
What is the issue here?
- For some reason, Austin
and I have switched places.
- Switched places?
Austin, what are
you talking about.
- Stop calling me that.
I'm not Austin.
I'm Dallas.
- And that's Austin?
Not Dallas?
- Correct.
- Say what?
What?
Is this some kind of joke?
- He's not joking.
I'm Austin and that's Dallas.
- Okay, let me
get this straight.
And you know how much I hate
getting anything straight.
You look like Dallas
but you're really Austin
on the inside and
you look like Austin
but you're really
Dallas on the inside.
Dallas, Austin, Austin, Dallas.
Oh, Lordy!
Pilot, let me know when
we land in Ft. Worth.
- I'm Austin.
I know, I know, I can prove it.
Come here.
(playful music)
- That doesn't prove a thing.
That's public knowledge.
It's written down clearly
on the third stall
of any public men's room
in my own handwriting.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, I bet this isn't
written anywhere.
- Okay, you're Austin.
- Now you believe me?
- What'd you tell him?
- Well, I just reminded him ...
- Don't you dare.
- I won't, I won't.
Calm down.
Well, he now believes us.
That's the important part.
- Which is more than I can
say for the rest of the world.
Oh, shit.
I've got that meeting
coming up at one o'clock.
Okay, this is going
to sound crazy
but you're going
to have to cover
for me at the meeting.
- What, me?
- Yes.
If I go they're not
going to recognize me.
But if you go, they'll
believe you are me.
- Oh, my God.
Here we go again.
- Look, if you don't do this,
I could lose the account.
- But if I do do this,
you will lose the account.
I don't know anything about
the client, the meeting,
what to say.
- You don't have
to know anything.
Just let Mitch do
all the talking.
Okay, he knows everything about
the account and the client.
- Mitch, the cute guy?
- I don't know if he's cute.
Jesus, the guy that
was just in here.
- Oh, he's cute.
- Will you stay out of this?
So you just go to the meeting
with Mitch at one o'clock.
He'll come and get you.
Tell him you feel
it would be best
if he took charge
of the meeting.
Believe me, that will
make Mitch very happy.
He's been dying to show me up.
Then just sit back and
let Mitch do all the work.
- This sounds just like
"All About Eve" except
Mitch is the backstabbing
Eve and you are ...
- Do you mind staying out
of this for just a minute?
- So what do I do
until the meeting?
- Just sit right
here and look busy.
And keep the door closed.
Now if anyone comes in and
asks you about something,
just turn it back on them
by asking what they think.
It works every time.
- Okay, sounds easy enough.
- So you think
you can handle it?
- Do you think I can handle it?
- Very good, now that's
the way to run an office.
- Works for me.
- Children, I hate to break
up a game of let's play house,
but there's something that
you seem to be forgetting.
- What's that?
- Someone in this room has
a Ms. Glam Diva Contest
to get ready for.
- Oh, my God, that's tonight.
What am I going to do?
(playful instrumental music)
- Oh, no, absolutely not.
- Come on.
You don't actually
have to do the contest.
You just have to go
out and get ready.
I'm sure this whole
thing is going to go back
to normal before tonight.
- What do you mean
go out and get ready?
- Shopping, new
dress, new shoes.
- I don't know anything
about women's clothes.
- It will be easy.
Jackie will do
everything for you.
You just have to be
there to try things on.
If anyone asks you
about anything,
just turn around on them
by asking what they think.
It works every time.
- That's not funny.
- Don't worry, honey.
I'll help you every
step of the way.
You'll be my Liza Doolittle
and I'll be your
Professor Higgins.
- No, I won't do it.
I draw the line at
wearing women's wear.
- Too bad.
Looks like that
one o'clock meeting
isn't going to happen either.
- But it's got to happen.
If you don't do this for me,
I could lose my livelihood,
my whole career, my company.
- Well?
- If I do this, do I
actually have to go on stage?
I don't have to, right?
- I'm sure this whole nightmare
will be over way before then.
- And all I have
to do is get ready?
Not perform?
- You do that for me
and I will represent you
at the one o'clock meeting.
- What choice do I have?
- Exactly.
- Okay, let's go shopping.
- I'll be right there.
What are you doing?
You know your brother
can't do this?
- I know.
- He can't represent you.
You'll lose for sure.
- I know.
- Then why are you making
him go through with this?
- I just want him to see
what it's like to be me.
I want him to realize
how tough I've got it.
Take him out shopping.
Get him ready for the contest.
And when the time comes, and
if we have not switched back
to our normal selves,
I want you to go out
on the runway for me.
- You want me to
be Helen Blazes?
- You can be whomever you like.
Just take my place.
Let Dallas off the hook
at the last minute,
but make him squirm a
little before you do.
He always said he would
do anything for me.
Well, I just want to
see how far he'll go.
(exciting instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(exciting instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(elegant instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(elegant instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(elegant instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(upbeat dance music)
(Vegas show music)
(exciting instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(exciting instrumental music)
- Okay, I think we've
got everything we need.
Ready to go, Tiger?
- (Chuckles) Funny.
- What's funny?
- It's what my wife
calls me. "Tiger".
- You don't have a, oh
wait, I guess you do.
- Yes, I do.
At least I think I still do.
- What's her name?
- Katelyn.
- Katelyn. That's a pretty name.
I bet she's pretty too.
Just like her name.
- How about you?
Have anyone special?
Oh, uh, you and my brother?
- (laughing) Oh, hell no.
- Okay, okay, I didn't know.
- Don't you and your
brother ever talk?
- Sure we talk.
But I don't ask a
lot of questions.
I mean, he has his life.
I have mine.
- Well, your brother
doesn't have much of a life.
- Really?
- Look around you.
This is pretty much it.
This and work.
- So you mean he
doesn't have a friend.
- Do you mean a boyfriend?
- I guess so.
- You don't really talk, do you?
- I guess not.
- No, Austin is quite alone.
He doesn't seem
to have much luck
when it comes to the fellas.
I don't get it.
I mean, you are, he is cute.
But love just doesn't seem to
be in the cards for Austin.
- I didn't know.
- There is one
thing he does have.
- What's that?
- You, for a brother.
- Well, he's always had me.
We're family.
- But look at what
you're doing for him.
- Well, I'm just
covering for him
until this weird
thing wears off.
Well, until it gets
back to where we were.
- No, you're doing
more than that.
I wish I had someone
like you in my life.
- Don't you have family?
- Family?
Nah, I'm an only child.
I have no concept
of what it's like
to have an older brother
looking out for me.
I used to pretend I did,
but pretending and having
are two different things.
- But you had the
love of your parents.
- I might have had
the love of my mother
if she had only lived long
enough for me to know her.
But I only had my dad.
There was no love lost there.
- Is he still alive?
- Not to me.
The last time I saw my dad was
at the assisted living
facility where he now resides.
He's not that old but he was
starting to lose his memory
and he couldn't live on his own.
So I decided it had been awhile.
Pay him a visit.
I figured if he was
losing his memory
maybe he'd forgotten
how disappointed he was
in having a sissy for a son.
I went in to see him
and there he was,
this shell of my father
looking empty and old.
I barely recognized him.
He sure didn't seem
to recognize me.
We just sat there and
talked for awhile.
He didn't say a word.
He just let me go on and on.
- Yes, I've noticed you
are pretty good at that.
- See? You have your
brother's sense of humor.
So I kept talking and just
rambling about different things.
I was almost enjoying the
fact that he didn't know me.
That was the first time
I had been with him
where I didn't feel
his anger and disgust.
So I kept talking.
I don't know what happened,
but something I said seemed
to trigger something
inside of him.
His eyes seemed to brighten.
(gentle instrumental music)
His mind seemed to clear.
And he looked at me.
And I knew for a
moment, a brief moment,
that he could see me.
He even said my name.
He said, "Jackie"
And I said ...
"Yes, Daddy.
"It's me.
"It's me, Jackie, I'm here."
And then he said the four words
that every son longs to
hear from their father.
"You got AIDS yet?"
I never went back there again.
So, you see, I know
how lucky Austin is
to have you someone
like you in his life.
What you're doing for
him is pretty amazing.
Okay, (laughing)
that's enough drama.
I gotta get this
stuff down to the car.
It's getting late.
(door slams)
(horn honking)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- [Katelyn] Hey, Tiger.
- Hello, who is this?
- Very funny.
How'd your presentation go?
- Presentation?
- Dallas, honey, are you okay?
- Katelyn, is that you?
- Yes, of course, it's me.
What time are you coming home?
Are you sure you're okay?
You don't sound like yourself.
- I don't?
Don't be ridiculous.
Who else would I be?
I mean, of course,
I'm Dallas, er, me.
This is me.
Me is who I am.
- You sound different.
You're talking differently.
- Really, I am?
(in a deeper voice)
Really, I am?
I don't know what you mean.
- Okay, Tiger.
I don't know what
game you're playing
but I want you home
promptly at seven.
All will be prepped
and ready for you.
Got it?
- Um, got it, seven o'clock.
I'll see you then, Tiger.
- What?
(Gentle instrumental music)
- Uh,um, Tigress?
Honey?
Love Muffin?
- I don't what's wrong with you,
but you'd better
be home on time.
- Got it.
Um, I'll see you then, Pumpkin.
Um, sweetie, Angel Puss?
(suspenseful music)
(phone ringing)
(phone vibrating)
- Hello?
- Where's Dallas?
I need to talk to him.
I've been trying to
reach him on my phone.
- First of all, calm down.
Second of all, we
don't have your phone.
We probably left
it at your place.
Your brother's not here.
He's in the powder room.
I think he's throwing up.
He's really getting nervous.
- But I really need
to talk to him.
- What's your problem?
- It's Katelyn, his wife.
She's expecting me home, or
she's expecting Dallas home.
I don't think that
I can cover for him.
She's gonna know
something's different.
- Oh, my God, honey.
Is that all?
Just go to her house.
I'm sure she has a
nice dinner all prepped
and ready for you.
How can you mess that up?
Just butch it up.
You'll be fine.
I have much bigger
things to worry about.
- So how was Dallas today?
Does he still think
he's going on?
- Yes, I haven't told him yet.
- Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'll go get Katelyn and
bring her to the show.
Dallas said they had plans
but surely a dinner
can be postponed.
I'll bring her to
the show tonight
and then you and I can
tell Dallas together
that you are going
on for him instead.
Do not tell him
until I get there
and don't tell him I'm coming.
- You are really turning
into a catty little bitch.
I am so glad we're friends.
- Well, who says we are?
Okay, well, I'll
talk to you later.
- Feeling better?
- Maybe a little bit.
And then again, maybe not.
I don't get it.
I thought this whole thing
would be over by now.
I thought things would
return to normal.
What if it doesn't?
What if I have to be a
queer the rest of my life?
- First of all, you are not
allowed to say that word.
- I'm sorry, I'm just upset.
What if I really do
have to go out there?
Jackie, I don't know if I can.
I don't know if I can do this.
- Dallas, you've done
so much for Austin.
He really doesn't deserve it.
You're amazing.
I wish I had someone
like you in my life.
- He's my brother.
We're family.
I'd do anything for him.
I just never thought it
would be something like this.
- Austin doesn't deserve this.
(gentle instrumental music)
You need to know something
about your wonderful brother.
- I don't care what
you say about him.
We're family.
I know he'd do this for me.
Probably even do more.
- Oh, really?
I wouldn't be so sure.
Dallas, I want you
to know something.
Tonight, when it's time
for you to go out on stage.
- Oops, sorry to interrupt.
Now which one of
you is Helen Blazes?
- That would be her.
- Yeah, I guess that's me.
- Love the name.
Now, listen, we've
got to get a move on.
You've got to fill these
forms out, sign you up.
- I'll go.
Helen has a bit of the
butterflies right now.
She needs her rest.
- Fine with me.
I just need somebody to
fill these forms out.
Come on, girl.
- Well, I'd had better get
my queer ass out of here
and get us signed up.
I'll be right back.
- Hey, I thought it was bad
to call someone "queer".
- Oh, no, honey.
We can do it to each other.
Queer, queen, homo.
- Faggot.
- Pansy.
- Fudge packer.
- Fruit.
- Tranny.
- Sodomite.
- Panty waist.
- Fairy.
- Sissy!
- Well, you get the picture.
All of those are okay to say
if you're a part
of our sorority.
You have to be a sister.
We can say it.
You cannot.
Get it?
- It's all very confusing.
- Well, don't let it bother you.
I'll be back.
Don't go anywhere.
- Muffin?
Sugar plum?
Lucy, I'm home.
Katelyn?
Are you okay?
(sighing)
(sensual music)
- Hey, handsome.
- Hey, beautiful.
- Oh, honey.
I didn't think you
would ever come home.
I've been waiting
forever to get started.
Do you like what I'm wearing?
- Oh, yes.
Oh, it's fabulous.
Where did you get it?
At Saks, Macy's?
Oh, I love the color.
Does it come in other shades?
- Stop teasing me.
If you don't like it,
I can just take it off.
- Ah, no!
- Aw, honey.
I didn't think I would ever
have a chance to get you alone.
Look, I've been waiting forever
to tell you I'm sorry
for the way I acted.
Do you like what I'm wearing?
I like what you're wearing.
- I think you have me mistaken
for someone else, buddy.
- Oh, no, Helen.
I know just who you are.
You look hot.
- Helen?
Oh, wait.
I'm not a woman.
This is a wig, see?
I'm a dude.
- No.
Put it back on.
It really gets me hot.
- Oh, baby, what's wrong?
Let me get you out
of these clothes.
Show Momma what you've got.
- (laughing) Stop.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I will be right back.
Oh, no (laughing).
I'm not going back in
there again (laughing).
- Come on, baby.
Let me help you get
into your dress.
- Stop.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.
- Well, don't take too long.
I'll be holding my
breath 'til you get back.
- Yes, you do that.
You promise?
(butt slap sound)
(sighing)
- Are you okay?
Been in there a long time.
- Um, yes, I'm fine.
Um, just washing up.
Be out there in a minute.
- All right, but if not,
I'm coming in there.
- Nope, don't you dare.
I will be right out.
- Jackie?
Jackie?
I need your help.
Where are you?
Jackie?
- Austin.
Austin.
(suspenseful music)
Helen?
Ah ha, I see you.
Come out, come out,
where ever you are.
Gotcha.
- You're still dressed.
Well, I'll take care of that.
- That's okay.
I could do it.
- Oh, don't be such a baby.
- Do you think it's a
little chilly in here?
- Well, I'll get
you nice and hot.
- [Billy] I like it in
the dark, don't you?
- [Dallas] I'm not
who you think I am.
- [Billy] Oh, I
know who you are.
Come here, baby.
- [Dallas] I'm warning you.
Get your hands off me.
- [Billy] Oh, yeah.
Get rough with me, baby.
That's it.
Daddy likes.
- [Dallas] Well, how
do you like this?
(fists thudding)
(gentle instrumental music)
(sighing)
(sighing)
- I got a great idea.
- What's that?
You wanna role play?
- Is that something I like?
I was thinking that tonight
is my brother Austin's show
and I feel bad that
we're not there.
So since it seems like we
don't have anything planned,
let's get dressed and go.
I really hear he's quite good.
- What are you talking about?
We agreed we
weren't going to go.
- We did?
We, we agreed that we weren't
going to go see Austin's show.
We agreed to that?
- We agreed to that because
we have more important things
to take care of.
- More important than
supporting family?
- But you are
supporting your family.
You're supporting
your future family.
Now come here.
Stop all that talk.
- Uh-uh.
- Do I have to get
rough with you?
- Is that something I like?
- Dallas, we only have
tonight and tomorrow night.
Two chances.
Now come here and
let's make a baby.
- Oh my God.
(audience clapping)
- This audience is ready
for a pageant, aren't you?
All right, it's the
Ms. Glam Diva Contest.
The one hundredth
year or something.
I don't know.
But it's a great pageant.
The prize is five
thousand dollars.
(audience clapping)
And let me tell you,
nobody has waited this
long for this little.
But you're, you'll love it.
You'll find something you like.
Everybody in this audience
will go home happy,
especially one of
these contestants.
It's the Ms. Glam Diva Contest.
(audience applauding)
Well, it's time for
the contest to begin.
So, please, sit
back and get ready.
It's going to be a contest
you'll never forget.
- What are you doing
dressed like that?
Is everyone here crazy?
Are there any normal
people in this place?
- What is normal?
- Well, normal is not this.
Did I fall down
some rabbit hole?
- Welcome to Wonderland, Alice.
- Look, Jackie, I can't do this.
I'm sorry, I just can't.
- It's okay, Dallas.
- No, it's not okay.
I thought I could do this.
I thought I could
but there is a limit.
- Dallas, really,
everything's gonna be okay.
- I've been painted.
I've been dressed.
I've been wigged.
I've been humiliated.
I've been groped and grabbed.
I was almost raped.
I can't do this.
I thought I could.
I thought that any minute
this would change back.
But this is becoming
one nightmare
that I can't wake up from.
- [Jackie] Well, part of
that nightmare is about
to come to an end.
- What are you talking about?
- You don't have
to go any further.
You don't have to do any more.
I'm going to go on for you.
I signed up.
I'm going to be Helen Blazes.
- I don't understand.
- It's pretty clear.
I'm gonna go on stage
and represent Austin.
I'm gonna go on
and take his place.
Not you.
- But you aren't Austin.
- And neither are you.
Austin figured you won't be
able to go through with this,
so he asked me to go
on instead of you.
- When did he ask you?
- [Jackie] In your
office this afternoon.
- So he didn't think that I
was going to do this for him?
- Forget it.
It was wrong of him to ask
you to go in his place.
I know you love your brother,
but there's only
so much you can do.
There's a limit.
- But I was gonna try.
I was gonna do this for him.
I really was.
- Dallas, I know.
(gentle instrumental music)
You've done more for somebody
than anyone else could.
But it's clear you've
reached your limit.
- So, Austin didn't think I
was going to do this for him?
He didn't believe in me.
- He didn't think
you believed in him.
So, naturally, he
didn't think you could.
But look at it this way.
If I go on, at least
Austin will have a chance
of winning tonight.
- But.
- No more.
I must go backstage and
get ready to be called.
I have to focus and prepare.
Watch my shit.
You can't trust any of
the queens around here.
Just let it go.
It really is for the best.
- (gasping) A baby?
- Yes, isn't it wonderful.
The family we always wanted.
- Katelyn, this isn't right.
I've gotta tell you something.
- You can tell me anything.
Anything you want.
- I'm not who you think I am.
- You can be whomever
you want to be.
Just come here.
- I'm not Dallas. I'm Austin.
- Oh, that's hot.
Okay, okay, I know.
I'll be my sister, Mollie.
Oh, Austin, come to Mollie.
Show me what you've got.
But don't tell your brother
or my sister Katelyn.
You know they think you're gay.
I always knew you weren't gay.
Come to me, you closet breeder.
- (gasping) I gotta pee.
- (sighing) Again?
- All right, we have
five contestants tonight.
It's gonna be great.
Let's meet them right now.
Contestant Number One.
(audience applauding)
Pearl Harbor.
What a way to start a
pageant, I tell you.
This outfit, I'm sure,
came from Lord and Taylor
but, or Taylor and Lord.
She drove forty
miles to get here.
Maybe she walked,
I don't know, but.
Go that way a little bit.
There we are.
Oh, dear, I'm sure you want
to find out a little bit
more about this contestant.
I believe it's her
first pageant ever.
I find that hard to
believe, but it is.
- Really, bro?
You really didn't think I'd
go the distance for you?
Is that how you really felt?
You never believed in me?
From the beginning?
(gentle instrumental music)
- Let's go to
Contestant Number Two.
Cookie Fortune.
What a contrast,
oh, my goodness.
Cookie Fortune is our
second contestant.
And let me tell you, if you
think that skirt is too short,
you don't have legs
like that (chuckling).
She loves every bit
of that applause.
Yes, she'll take that home and
put it in a little keepsake.
That's Contestant Number Two.
- She sees Dallas.
I am Dallas.
If something happens
in there tonight,
it is Dallas doing it.
Not me.
She wants a baby.
She wants a baby tonight.
What am I thinking?
(playful instrumental music)
I can't do that.
That's my
sister-in-law in there.
What am I thinking?
But I am Dallas.
That's who will be
going through with it.
Not me.
Oh, but she's a woman.
I can't make out with her.
I couldn't even get it up for
her, let alone make a baby.
But I guess Dallas could,
if I truly am Dallas.
Could I go that
far for my brother?
But, but a, but a woman.
Really, oh.
But Dallas likes women.
Dallas likes sex with women.
(gentle instrumental music)
You wouldn't have a
problem, would you, bro?
Way to go, bro.
(audience clapping)
- This is an audience
that knows what they like
and they like what they're
seeing up here tonight.
Don't you, ladies and gentlemen?
Okay, you're so enthusiastic.
Let's see if Contestant
Number Three's
what your waiting for.
Bring her out,
Contestant Number Three.
Oh, this is Chablis.
It is a Ms. Glam Diva Contest.
Yes.
Not her first time at the rodeo.
You can tell.
She's walked the runway before.
Just gloriously, um, she
has a career ahead of her.
She's got seven pageants
at home but let's, lets,
a little bit more for her.
We promised you a
contest tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, and
I think we have delivered.
What a pageant it has been.
Well, there's more.
Please welcome Contestant
Number Four, Crystal Balls.
- Out of the way, bitch.
(drums beating)
(cymbals ringing)
- Okay, there's
not that much more
but there's a little
bit more there.
Uh, she is really so
excited to be here.
She's a little nervous.
Okay, don't be
mean to each other.
Doesn't look like a Miss
Congeniality contestant there.
You're next, honey.
(gentle instrumental music)
- [Dallas] I've got this.
- [Emcee] I didn't say it
was better automatically.
But she does, uh, all
right, there we are.
She has got some hair, some
feathers, and some attitude too.
All right.
- [Dallas] What's my name again?
- Helen Blazes.
- Really?
- Tell me about it.
Are you sure you
want to do this?
- [Dallas] Family.
- Family.
- [Emcee] It's time for
our final contestant.
- Ladies and Gentlemen.
- I can do this.
- Please welcome.
- I can do this.
- Contestant Number Five
- I can do this.
- Helen Blazes!
Contestant Number
Five, Helen Blazes.
There she is. Our
final contestant.
Helen Blazes, and is she
not a blazen contestant.
What's with the shoes, honey?
I don't think we need to
see the shoes so much.
It's the gown.
It's all about the gown.
Give us a turn there.
That, uh, oh, we may have
a little wardrobe
malfunction there.
Thank you, audience.
And let's keep that
encouragement going.
I know how I felt
trying something for
the very first time.
How do you do it?
You've got to climb
back on that horse
and give it
everything you've got.
You've got to be at
the top of your game.
Just as our contestants
are tonight here
at this incredible pageant.
Let's hear it again
for Contestant Number
Five, Helen Blazes.
(audience clapping)
Now that is a contestant
that will stay
in your mind for
quite some time.
(crowd mumbles)
(coin rattling)
- I can't, I can't.
I'm sorry, brother.
I can't do it, I just can't.
This is too much.
- I can't, I can't,
I'm so sorry, brother.
This is just too much.
(coin rattling)
(mysterious instrumental music)
- Oh, yes, I can.
- Oh, yes, you can.
(gentle instrumental music)
- Oh, yes, I can.
(audience clapping)
- [Emcee] I don't believe it.
Contestant Number Five
rises like the phoenix.
Look at her.
That's a Glam Diva right there.
I think we have our winner.
Judges, what do you think?
I mean, after all
that embarrassment.
She's a trooper.
Oh, unbelievable.
In all the history
of this pageant.
Walking like the trooper she is.
That is a champion.
Oh, my goodness.
I've never seen this.
In the history of
the entire pageant,
that is history in
the making there.
You saw it.
You could cut the
tension with a knife.
- And here's to
the great news that
in about nine months I'm
going to be an uncle.
- And a godparent
if all goes right.
- A godfather.
And it will go right.
- Wow, an uncle and godfather.
It's an offer I can't refuse.
(laughing)
- Speaking of refusals,
are you sure you
won't reconsider
coming to work for me?
Mitch says you
saved that account.
- No, you saved that account.
That was you in there, remember?
- That's right.
But the offer still stands.
- No thanks.
I've had enough of
living in your world.
I think I need to find my
own world and make that work.
Does Katelyn suspect that?
- Why should she?
Why should she?
That was me in there, remember?
And thank God it really was me.
- So Jackie told me
about all you did
for me at the pageant.
Sorry that I ever doubted you.
And I'm sorry that I ever
put you through that.
I mean, you're pretty amazing.
Thank you.
- Well, you'd probably
be thanking me
if you actually won the
contest or even placed.
Sorry about that.
- That's okay.
I mean, there's always
next year, right?
Anyways, who needs the money?
- Obviously you do.
How do you intend to pay me back
for all these charges you
put on my credit card?
- What? I ...
- So that's Austin's
brother, Dallas?
Wow, he is hot.
I wouldn't mind trading places
with his wife for a night.
Lucky lady.
- This has always
brought me good luck.
Maybe it'll do the same for you.
(mysterious instrumental music)
(coin rattling)
- Whoa, honey?
Are you okay?
- I don't know.
I'm, I feel faint suddenly.
(suspenseful music)
(energetic music)
♪ Another dollar, another day
♪ Another hurdle
coming in my way
♪ Sleepless nights
got me holding tight
♪ To the dreams that
seem so far away
♪ I can't rest now
same old thing now
♪ Gotta take it
up to the next one
♪ I know I'm fried,
but I've got to try
♪ To see just how far I'll go
♪ This is farther now
♪ I will be the fighter
♪ This is stronger now
♪ And this is only
gonna be the start
♪ Remove the worry,
dispel the doubt
♪ Things are not as
precious as they seem
♪ Can't keep complaining,
won't stop the raining
♪ Of the many storms
that rage outside
♪ Staying hungry,
staying bold now
♪ It's my time to come
and make my mark here
♪ I know it's hard,
but I can't be barred
♪ So I'll see just
how far I'll go
♪ One day I will be
right next to you
♪ This is stronger now
♪ I will be the fighter
♪ This is farther now
♪ And this is only
gonna be the start
(gentle instrumental music)
(energetic instrumental music)
(ice clinking)
- Hey Dallas.
Did you see the email?
- Yeah, I just read it.
- I can't believe we're
just now hearing about this.
- Well, you gotta
love our clients.
- I guess that means we're
all working late tonight.
- No, Mitch, there's no
need for you to stay over.
I can handle it.
You go home.
- Are you sure?
- Get out of here
before I change my mind.
I can just go over the
presentation with you
in the morning before
the client gets here.
- I love you, boss.
- Go on.
(energetic instrumental music)
- Austin, I said Manhattan up.
This is on the rocks.
- Sorry.
- Are you sure you're okay?
You really don't seem
to be very focused.
- I don't know.
I'm just not in a
great mood tonight.
I just feel depressed
all the time.
- Tell mama.
- It's just the same
old thing every day.
My life is going nowhere.
I'm going nowhere.
I just don't see any light
at the end of the tunnel.
- What about moving
to a new apartment?
I mean, you're right.
Your place is depressing.
- I can't afford a new place.
I can barely pay rent
on the one I've got now.
- But you make good money here.
Don't tell me you don't.
I see you shakin' your little
money maker over there,
getting your tip
jar over flowing.
What are you spending it on?
- Rent, gym, student
loans, credit card bills.
Oh, and let's not forget
my most recent expense,
the entry fee for the upcoming
Ms. Glam Diva Contest.
That alone was 350 bucks.
- Oh, that's right, I
almost forgot about that.
That's tomorrow night.
What's the prize for
first place this year?
- $5,000.
- $5,000, there you go.
That's your ticket out of here.
Win that and your
troubles are over.
- And that's easier
said than done.
You must be forgetting I
am the one who has entered
that contest for three
years straight now.
- Oh, that word.
- Okay, sorry, three
years in a row now.
- Thank you very much.
- And I have yet to even place.
Not runner up, not
honorable mention.
Not even a Miss Congeniality.
- But you have me this year.
We're going shopping.
We'll get you a whole new look.
You'll look fierce.
What's the drag name you're
going to go by this year?
- The same one I use
every year, Helen Blazes.
- Oh no, honey.
We have to change that too.
- What's wrong
with Helen Blazes?
That's a great drag name.
- This is from a man whose own
parents named their two sons
after cities in Texas?
Dallas and Austin?
So what do you know
about good names?
- Like what?
What do you think
is a good name?
- Virginia Ham, Kitty
Litter, Anita Martini,
Mary Wanna, Chan D'Leer.
- Helen Blazes.
- Helen Blazes.
Oh no, no way.
- I'm sticking to the name.
I've used it in the past
and I'm using it again.
I have a following.
- Oh, you have a following?
Okay, Helen, okay.
But we have got to get you
a new ensemble to wear.
- And that takes money.
Money I don't have.
- What about your
brother Dallas?
He's doing well.
He can help out.
- Are you kidding me?
I already owe him money
from the last couple
of times I asked him for help.
He's not gonna help me again.
- Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.
We need to get you a new
outfit for the contest.
Don't you want to win?
(fingers snapping)
Uh, no.
You are not snapping
your fingers at me.
- I think they
want their drinks.
- Oh, you think?
Snapping your
fingers is not going
to get me to come
over there any faster.
- [Customer] Oh yeah, what will?
- Talk to my left honey,
because you ain't right.
This conversation is not over.
I'll be right back.
In the meantime, call
your damn brother.
- Oh, what the hell.
(keys clicking)
(phone ringing)
- Hello Austin.
Look, I can't talk
a lot right now.
I'm here at the office.
Yeah, I gotta work late.
It's a big project, an ad
campaign that I have to finish
for a presentation tomorrow.
I'm trying to get it
done and get out of here,
so keep it short.
- Well, maybe I can help.
Is it a fashion ad?
Underwear ad?
Swimwear campaign?
- Now what would you
know about fashion?
- Oh, come on, I'm gay.
It's what my people do.
We are born with
the natural ability
to accessorize and beautify.
It's kind of like
your natural ability
to fix a car engine
or scratch your balls.
- (laughing) I don't know
how to fix a car engine,
and leave my balls out of
the conversation, okay?
But you, fashion, style?
Come on, you wouldn't know
how to layout a fashion ad
if your life depended on it.
Hell, I've seen how you dress.
- It's funny you should
mention dress and fashion.
It's kind of the
reason I called.
- Why would you
call me about that?
- I need you to do me a favor.
- Which translates into I need
you to loan me some money,
which translates into
again, which translates into
it's really not a loan because
I will never pay you back.
Am I right?
- No, I will pay you back
this time, I promise.
What's it for?
What is it for?
What's it for?
It's for, it's for a new gown.
- What?
Are you fucking kidding me?
That's important?
- You don't understand.
I entered the Ms. Glam
Diva Contest tomorrow night
and I have to win and
first prize is $5,000
and I need that
money to pay you back
and I waited to the
last minute to get ready
and if you don't help me out,
there is no way I
am going to win.
Hello?
- I do not believe that
you are asking me for money
so that you can buy a dress.
Okay, a gown, whatever.
You're really something.
You're a piece of work.
- No, but this is an emergency.
I want to win that contest.
Do you know how many
times I've tried?
Wait, of course you wouldn't.
You've never come
to one of my shows
or one of my fundraisers
or one of my events
or anything that I've been
proud to be a part of, huh?
- God, here we go again.
God, you sound
just like my wife.
Austin, I really don't
have time for this.
I gotta get back to work
and home to Katelyn.
She's been acting
weird tonight too.
Something's up with her.
- Please, please, please,
just loan me the money
just this one more time and
I will never ask you again.
- No, that's it.
- I swear to you this
is the last favor ever.
You said you would do
anything for me, right?
Well, please do this for me.
Please.
- No! Goodbye brother.
(sighing)
- Hello?
Hello?
- Good news, I take it?
- I love my brother
but sometimes he
just makes me so mad.
I mean he doesn't get it.
He doesn't understand
what's important in life.
All our lives, as
we were growing up,
everything came
so easy to Dallas.
Everything he touched
turned to gold.
- Oh, stop, you're
breaking my heart.
Like your life has been so bad?
- Well, not tonight.
I'm sick of being alone.
If I can't get the
money than screw it.
I might as well go out
and have a good time.
- Uh-oh.
- There's a whole
world of men out there
who would be happy
to be with me.
It's like a whole
big forest of men.
And I am ready with my axe
to chop down the first
tree I see, baby.
- All of this because your
brother said no to a loan.
- Screw my brother.
- Okay, I'll screw him
I've seen him, he's hot.
- If he doesn't understand me,
then might as well go out
and have the crazy life
he's always thought I had.
He thinks being gay means
I have sex all the time.
We don't have to deal with women
and their emotions and needs.
He thinks I have no worries.
No serious problems.
He thinks I have a great life.
- You're starting to scare me.
- Jackie, I'll see
you in the morning.
But if my apartment
is a-rockin',
then don't come a-knockin'.
I'm headed home early.
I'll leave your tab
open if you want.
Jackie will take care of you
if you need anything else.
- Nah, that's okay.
You can close me out.
How much do I owe you?
- The same as last night.
The same as last week.
The same as last month.
You always come in here,
you always have one drink,
it is always the same drink,
and it always costs the same.
Wow.
Did I just say that?
I'm sorry.
- It's quite all right.
I know you're
having a hard time.
I couldn't help
but overhear some
of your troubles on the phone.
- Well, that's life, or I
should say well, that's my life.
My brother has no
clue how lucky he is.
- Too bad.
Maybe I can help you.
- Oh, are you my knight
in shining armor?
Are you going to
pay for my gown?
- (chuckles) No, I wish I could.
But I might have something
that could help you.
This has always
brought me good luck.
Maybe it'll do the same for you.
(mysterious instrumental music)
- Well, that's the first
time he's left me a tip.
Maybe my luck is changing.
- So sorry I'm so late.
- It doesn't matter.
You're home now.
- You wouldn't believe
the work I have to put in
to get this presentation
ready for tomorrow.
I don't know what I was thinking
when I told Mitch
he could go home.
- That's nice, sweetie.
But you're here.
- I mean, I don't know how
much help he could have been.
I'm the one who is really
doing all the work.
And I'm the one
the client likes.
- Sweetie, I ...
- I mean,
the client only deals with me.
But that may change tomorrow.
He's really been disappointed.
- Dallas, stop.
- I'm sorry, honey,
I'm just really tired.
I think I'm gonna go downstairs
and have a drink and unwind.
Maybe a hot shower.
- Can you hang on
for just one minute?
I've been waiting up all
night for you to get home.
I just need to talk to
you about something.
- Katelyn, I'm so
tired right now.
Can't it wait?
Whatever it is you want
to do is fine with me.
I'm sure you can handle
whatever it is on your own.
You've always had
that special magic.
- Um, actually, for
this magic trick,
I am going to need my
beautiful assistant.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, according to Dr.
Bales, my obstetrician,
tomorrow night is the perfect
time for us to conceive.
I'm my most fertile.
- Wow, are you sure?
- Well, I'm not
but Dr. Bales is.
- Well, I'd much rather deal
with you than Dr. Bales.
- So this is it.
We are going to have a baby.
Finally.
- Katelyn?
- What?
- Don't get too excited.
I don't want you to get your
hopes up if it doesn't work.
You know this will be
the third time to try.
- And third time's the charm.
- I just want to make
sure that you're prepared
for three strikes you're out.
- I can't believe
you're saying this.
It's gonna work this time.
I can feel it.
- Yes, I'm sure
you feel confident
but you were so confident
last time and the time before.
I just don't want to see
you get depressed again
like last time.
I just don't want
to see you that way.
- Stop.
Stop talking about
the other times.
This will work.
- But if it doesn't work,
Dr. Bales mentioned some
other options last time
that we may want to consider.
It could be me.
Maybe we just
weren't meant to ...
- Stop it.
Don't talk like that.
It will work.
If you keep talking
about it you'll jinx it.
I don't want to hear about
other times or other options.
This will work.
It will work.
- Of course it will.
Of course it will.
- Please, let's just
not talk about it.
Tomorrow night.
It will be great.
Talking about it
will only jinx it.
- Okay, we won't talk about it.
- Or we'll jinx it.
- Or we'll jinx it.
(gentle instrumental music)
Are you sure we have to
wait until tomorrow night?
- Yes.
Cool your jets, Tiger.
Save it up for tomorrow night.
- Not even a sample?
- No (laughs), tomorrow night.
- All right, well, I'm
going go down stairs
and have that drink and
take a long hot shower.
Looks like I'll need it
since it's only going
to be sleeping time
for me tonight, right?
You want anything?
- No, I'm fine.
Just save your strength
for tomorrow night.
(street sounds)
(panting)
(sighing)
- I need a break.
(sighing)
- You want a cigarette?
- You got one?
- No, I don't smoke.
- Then why did you offer?
- Just, just trying
to be helpful.
Something I can do to help?
- No, I'm fine, just
give me a moment.
- You want me to get on top?
- What?
Hell, no.
I'm no fucking bottom.
- Just trying to be helpful.
- I was there that night.
You did a great job.
You should have won.
- Thanks
- You looked really
hot up there on stage.
- Um, okay.
- I have a confession to make.
- You want me to put
on my priest's outfit?
Would that get you hot?
- Ever since I saw
you that night,
I've been trying
to track you down.
- Should I be worried?
- I wasn't sure what you
looked like out of drag
so I asked around
and someone told me
that you worked at Shelby's.
So I went in there
a couple of times
and saw you working
behind the bar.
- I don't remember
seeing you there.
- Well, I didn't sit at the bar.
I sat at a table.
I was too nervous
to say hi to you.
- Now, now, shyness is not an
attractive feature for you.
Wow, I think this is a first.
I've never had my
very own stalker.
- Well, I was worried that
you were with that waiter.
You know, the one
you're always talking to
and laughing with.
- Who, Jackie? (laughing)
Ewww.
No, we're close
but not that close.
We're more like sisters.
And I could never find
my sister attractive.
But Lord help the mister who
comes between me and my sister.
- I couldn't imagine
my luck tonight
when you walked into
The White Swallow.
I was ready to leave
and then you came in.
There you were.
You were all alone.
I couldn't believe it was you.
I was ready to rape you
right then and there.
I just,
well, I'm ready to go again.
(breathing heavily)
(grunting)
- What are you doing?
What are you looking at?
- Nothing.
Austin?
- Yes?
- Will you do something for me?
- Anything, I'll do anything.
- Will you put
the wig on for me?
- What?
- What? Just for a second.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Come on, please.
I'm so close.
- Oh, my God.
Get out.
GET OUT!!
- What the fuck's your problem?
- My problem?
What's my problem?
Well, I thought you
found me attractive.
I thought you wanted
to make out with me.
I thought you wanted
to be with me.
- I did.
I do.
- No, you don't.
You didn't want to be with me.
You wanted to be
with Helen Blazes.
You thought she would be here.
- That's not it exactly.
I thought you were cute.
I wanted to get to know you.
- You wanted to get to know me?
- Yeah.
- So should I put this on
so you can get to know me?
Would that make you hot?
Would that turn you on?
Would that make you
finally shoot your load?
- Would you do that for me?
- Get out.
Go find some chick with a dick
because there's not
one to be found here.
Maybe then you can
finally get off.
Because obviously you have some
problems in that department.
- Fuck you.
I don't need you analyzing me.
I have no problem getting off.
The problem is you.
Right, you're one
fucked up individual.
- I'm sorry.
Don't go.
I don't want to
be alone tonight.
- No, you need to
be alone tonight.
I don't like whoever you are.
- Don't go, please.
Please stay.
- If Helen comes to town,
have her give me a call, okay?
'Cause whoever you
are, me no like.
- But there is no Helen.
There is only me.
(door slams)
Only me.
Only me.
(sound of shower running)
(phone ringing)
- Honey, your
brother's on the phone.
- Hey, will you
grab that for me?
Tell him I'll be right there.
- Austin?
Hey, it's Katelyn.
How are you?
Are you okay?
Dallas is just getting
out of the shower.
It will be a minute.
Can you hang on?
Oh, I'm fine.
When are we going
to see you again?
It's been too long.
He sounds upset.
Austin?
Dallas just got
out of the shower.
Here he is.
- Hey, what's up with the
two calls in one night?
- Dallas, would
you do me a favor?
Would you and Katelyn
come see my competition?
I know you're not really
comfortable with that sort
of thing but it would
mean a lot to me.
- Wow, um.
- Nevermind, no.
Forget it.
No, I didn't think
you would accept
but I thought I would just ask.
I mean it would mean a
lot to me, but I get it.
I understand, it's
asking too much.
- Now wait a minute.
I didn't say no.
I just have to think about it.
When is it?
- Really?
You would come?
Dallas, that would
mean so much to me.
You'd really do that for me?
Are you sure you're
okay with that?
Are you sure?
- Sure, if it means
that much to you,
Katelyn and I would love to
come see you in your show.
When is it?
Tomorrow night?
Oh, yeah, tomorrow night.
I'm not sure what
we have planned.
- You can't do anything
tomorrow night.
You're with me making a baby.
You have to tell him no.
- Okay, okay, I'll tell him.
I'm sure he'll understand
if I just explain
to him what's going on with us.
- No, you promised me
not to tell anyone.
We weren't gonna talk about it.
It's between us.
- Not even my brother?
- No, you'll jinx it.
- But this is my brother.
I can tell him what's
going on, can't I?
- No, please.
Promise me.
- Hey, uh, Austin?
Yeah, I can't come to your show.
I'm sorry.
Katelyn just reminded
me that we have plans.
- Just like that?
Suddenly you, you have plans?
Is that really it?
Is it plans or is
it just cold feet?
- Cold feet?
What is that supposed to mean?
I told you we have plans.
No, I don't have a
problem with going
to some event of yours.
You know that.
I would do anything for you.
I just can't come to your show.
- Don't worry about it.
You'd do anything for me?
Really?
Wow.
What a joke.
You know, I don't
need you there.
I don't need your money.
I don't need your support.
I don't need anybody.
Okay, I can do
this all on my own.
- Hello?
Hello?
Well, that went well.
- I'm sorry, but thank you.
It means a lot to me.
- But this meant
a lot to Austin.
Now he thinks I have a
problem with him being gay.
- Honey?
- Yeah?
- I've never asked
you this before.
Do you?
- Do I what?
- Do you have a problem
with Austin being gay?
- Do you mean do I care
that my only sibling runs
around dressing like
a woman part time
and sleeping with men full time?
No, I'm thrilled.
- So you have a problem?
- What guy wants to
have a gay brother?
I mean, I didn't wish it.
When Mom and Dad presented
me with a baby brother,
I didn't look down at the baby
and go "Oh, boy, I hope
he turns out to be gay."
But I accepted it.
I've learned to accept it.
- So do you wish
he were straight?
- Yeah, no, I don't know.
He is what he is.
I don't want to talk about it.
- Honey, I'm sorry.
Thank you for
keeping our secret.
I love you so much.
No, save it for tomorrow night.
I want your little
soldiers well rested
and ready for action.
- I think I'll go
take another shower.
This time a cold one.
(gentle instrumental music)
(door knocking)
- Come in.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Don't tell me you're
just getting up?
- Heck, I'm almost ready.
- So, did you have a
nice night last night?
I don't see any used
condoms on the floor.
Did you play safe or
did you not play at all?
- Listen, I don't
want to talk about it.
How was the bar after I left?
- Oh.
Oh, it quieted down.
You didn't miss a thing.
Where should we
start with first?
- Start with what?
- Shopping, come on.
We have to get
going if we're going
to find you the right
outfit for tonight.
- Oh, shit, I totally
forgot that was tonight.
Hang on.
Damn it.
I don't have any cash and my
credit cards are all maxed out.
Can you loan me ...
- Neither a borrower
nor a lender be.
Besides, you still haven't
paid me back the last time.
- When did I ever
put the bite on you?
- Honey, you've bitten
me so many times,
I should be sleeping in
a coffin during the day.
- Wait.
Wait, I know where I
can get some money.
I left the tip jar down
at the bar last night.
It should still be there.
That is unless you touched it.
- Would I steal from my sister?
Never, I promise.
- Well, let's get down there
before somebody realizes
that I left it there.
(suspenseful music)
- Ugh, this place smells like
a sweaty men's locker room.
Do they ever clean it?
- Now don't start
getting all turned on.
We have work to do.
- I'm going to go tinkle.
I'll be right back.
- Don't forget to put the
toilet seat down before you sit.
- [Jackie] Oh, my
God, you are so funny.
- I am.
(playful music)
(phone beeping)
(sighing)
Damn it.
(phone beeping)
(sighing)
He's always had
everything so damn easy.
He has no idea what it's like
to struggle and get nowhere.
He has no idea.
(coins clinking)
- What is his problem?
Why is he being so needy?
Doesn't he know how
complicated my life is?
- I wish he could just
see what it's like
to be me for one day.
- He has no clue about my life.
You know, he should
be me for a day.
(coin rattling)
(suspenseful music)
- Honey, are you all right?
(suspenseful instrumental music)
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Let me get you some water.
- Good morning, Dallas.
Great job on these layouts.
The client's going to love it.
We're all set for the
one o'clock presentation.
I took the liberty of
calling his assistant
to confirm the time.
I'll let you know
when I hear back,
but we should be all set.
- What?
- Wow, you look terrible.
You must have really
pulled an all nighter.
I'll go and get you some coffee.
- Coffee, no, I, I.
- All right, suit yourself,
but you could really
use an energy drink
or a power bar or something.
You pull yourself together.
I'll get going on the
final spreadsheets
and then we should be set.
Maybe you should put your
head down on your desk
and try to get a
couple of winks.
- Yeah, I need to rest.
I need to think.
- Oh, and Dallas?
Once again.
Great job.
I can't wait to show
the client the layouts.
This should go great.
(fantasy instrumental music)
Are you all right?
Dallas?
- I'm fine.
- Okay, I'll see you at one.
- What the hell is going on?
- What did you have
to drink last night?
Maybe you should
put your head down.
- What?
- Put your head down.
Head down.
You know, like you did for
your little date last night.
- Date?
What are you talking about?
- Call it what you like
but you look awful.
If you were flying right now,
you'd have to pay extra
for your oversized bags.
Look at yourself.
(eerie music)
(chair squeaking)
(phone ringing)
(suspenseful music)
- Hello?
Dallas?
Where are you?
I think I am in your office.
- Something really
weird is happening here.
I don't know how I got here.
Do you have any memory of going
to my office this morning?
- This is definitely
your office.
There's a picture of
your wife on the desk.
Hope it's your office or Katelyn
has some 'splainin' to do.
- All right, Austin, here's
what I need you to do.
I need you to go over
to my office door
and shut it and lock it.
Well, if it's, if it's already
shut then just lock it.
I'm coming over.
Stay there.
I'll be there in ten minutes.
Don't open the door.
Don't talk to anyone.
Is that clear?
- Lock the door.
Don't talk to anyone.
But I don't get it.
Why?
What's going on?
Why do you sound so mad?
You're really freakin' me out.
Just tell me what's going on.
- There's a plaque on
the wall near my desk.
It's really a mirror.
Go over there and look at it.
- All right, I'm walking
over to the plaque.
(screaming)
(phone hang up)
- Christ.
I need to use your car.
Do you have one?
- Do I have a car?
You know I do.
How do you think we got here?
- Great, I need to borrow it.
Uh, I'm sorry, what's your name?
- What's my name?
Did you hit your head on
the way down to the floor?
Don't you know who I am?
- I'm sorry I don't,
but I need your car.
I have to get to my office.
- What office?
Honey, I think we need
to get you a doctor.
Maybe you've got
amnesia or something.
- Look, look, I
don't need a doctor.
I just need your car.
- Okay, okay, but you just
let Miss Jackie drive you
because you're in no
condition to do so.
- Fine, go get Miss
Jackie and we'll go.
- Are you kidding me?
Come on, I'm
driving, Miss Daisy.
Just tell me where the
hell your office is.
- I thought you said
her name was Jackie.
- Never mind.
Don't forget your tips.
Oh, what the hell.
- I'm frightened, Auntie Em.
I'm frightened.
(buzzer ringing)
- Mr. Trent?
Your brother Austin
and a friend of his
are here to see you.
Mr. Trent?
- Yes, yes, I'm here.
Send them in.
Hello?
(playful music)
- Unlock the door.
- Oh my God, oh
my God, oh my God.
What is happening?
- Just relax.
Calm down.
We will figure this
out, just relax, okay?
(yelping)
- Oh my God, oh my God.
- Just calm down.
Hold on.
Breathe, little
brother, breathe.
- I don't get it.
I wake up here in your office.
I have no idea how I got here.
I look in this mirror and
I see you instead of me.
- And I look and I
see you instead of me.
- And I look and I and
see two crazy bitches.
What are you guys
going on about?
Look, you're both fine.
I see Dallas and I see Austin.
And here I see Dallas
and I see Austin.
- But I'm not
Dallas, I'm Austin.
- And I'm not
Austin, I'm Dallas.
- And I'm not
Jackie, I'm gorgeous.
What crazy game are we playing?
- Seriously?
You don't see anything wrong
with what you see standing
in front of you and what
you see in the reflection?
- No, sorry.
- But I'm Austin, I'm Austin.
Why can't you see that?
(door knocking)
- Just a minute.
Hey, what's up?
- Oh, hi, I don't
think we've met before.
I'm Mitch.
You must be Dallas' brother.
- Mitch, what are you doing?
I know who you are.
- We've met before?
- Met before?
- Oh, you are?
- Confused.
Sorry, honey, Jackie.
My name's Jackie.
Or is it?
- Yes, you're Jackie.
- Yes, you're Jackie.
- [Mitch] Nice to meet you.
- Nice is not what
I have on my mind.
- Dallas, the
assistant just called
to confirm the one
o'clock meeting.
We're all set.
Are you feeling better?
- Um, meeting?
- Yes, we're all set.
- Yes, we're all set.
All set for the meeting
thingy with the client person.
- We were just discussing it.
Could you leave us
alone for a minute?
We're having a family
meeting right now
and we need to finish up.
- Sure, I didn't
mean to interrupt.
It was nice meeting you.
Dallas, I'll see you at one.
- Oooh, child, he is fine.
- Tell me about it.
- All right, you guys.
Will you be serious
for a minute.
Meeting thingy?
Client person?
What the hell was that?
- Why are you yelling at me?
- Don't you get it?
Mitch looks at you
and he sees me.
Mitch looks at me
and he sees you.
- Mitch looks at me
and he sees heaven.
What is the problem?
Why do you two go on
and on about this?
What is the issue here?
- For some reason, Austin
and I have switched places.
- Switched places?
Austin, what are
you talking about.
- Stop calling me that.
I'm not Austin.
I'm Dallas.
- And that's Austin?
Not Dallas?
- Correct.
- Say what?
What?
Is this some kind of joke?
- He's not joking.
I'm Austin and that's Dallas.
- Okay, let me
get this straight.
And you know how much I hate
getting anything straight.
You look like Dallas
but you're really Austin
on the inside and
you look like Austin
but you're really
Dallas on the inside.
Dallas, Austin, Austin, Dallas.
Oh, Lordy!
Pilot, let me know when
we land in Ft. Worth.
- I'm Austin.
I know, I know, I can prove it.
Come here.
(playful music)
- That doesn't prove a thing.
That's public knowledge.
It's written down clearly
on the third stall
of any public men's room
in my own handwriting.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, I bet this isn't
written anywhere.
- Okay, you're Austin.
- Now you believe me?
- What'd you tell him?
- Well, I just reminded him ...
- Don't you dare.
- I won't, I won't.
Calm down.
Well, he now believes us.
That's the important part.
- Which is more than I can
say for the rest of the world.
Oh, shit.
I've got that meeting
coming up at one o'clock.
Okay, this is going
to sound crazy
but you're going
to have to cover
for me at the meeting.
- What, me?
- Yes.
If I go they're not
going to recognize me.
But if you go, they'll
believe you are me.
- Oh, my God.
Here we go again.
- Look, if you don't do this,
I could lose the account.
- But if I do do this,
you will lose the account.
I don't know anything about
the client, the meeting,
what to say.
- You don't have
to know anything.
Just let Mitch do
all the talking.
Okay, he knows everything about
the account and the client.
- Mitch, the cute guy?
- I don't know if he's cute.
Jesus, the guy that
was just in here.
- Oh, he's cute.
- Will you stay out of this?
So you just go to the meeting
with Mitch at one o'clock.
He'll come and get you.
Tell him you feel
it would be best
if he took charge
of the meeting.
Believe me, that will
make Mitch very happy.
He's been dying to show me up.
Then just sit back and
let Mitch do all the work.
- This sounds just like
"All About Eve" except
Mitch is the backstabbing
Eve and you are ...
- Do you mind staying out
of this for just a minute?
- So what do I do
until the meeting?
- Just sit right
here and look busy.
And keep the door closed.
Now if anyone comes in and
asks you about something,
just turn it back on them
by asking what they think.
It works every time.
- Okay, sounds easy enough.
- So you think
you can handle it?
- Do you think I can handle it?
- Very good, now that's
the way to run an office.
- Works for me.
- Children, I hate to break
up a game of let's play house,
but there's something that
you seem to be forgetting.
- What's that?
- Someone in this room has
a Ms. Glam Diva Contest
to get ready for.
- Oh, my God, that's tonight.
What am I going to do?
(playful instrumental music)
- Oh, no, absolutely not.
- Come on.
You don't actually
have to do the contest.
You just have to go
out and get ready.
I'm sure this whole
thing is going to go back
to normal before tonight.
- What do you mean
go out and get ready?
- Shopping, new
dress, new shoes.
- I don't know anything
about women's clothes.
- It will be easy.
Jackie will do
everything for you.
You just have to be
there to try things on.
If anyone asks you
about anything,
just turn around on them
by asking what they think.
It works every time.
- That's not funny.
- Don't worry, honey.
I'll help you every
step of the way.
You'll be my Liza Doolittle
and I'll be your
Professor Higgins.
- No, I won't do it.
I draw the line at
wearing women's wear.
- Too bad.
Looks like that
one o'clock meeting
isn't going to happen either.
- But it's got to happen.
If you don't do this for me,
I could lose my livelihood,
my whole career, my company.
- Well?
- If I do this, do I
actually have to go on stage?
I don't have to, right?
- I'm sure this whole nightmare
will be over way before then.
- And all I have
to do is get ready?
Not perform?
- You do that for me
and I will represent you
at the one o'clock meeting.
- What choice do I have?
- Exactly.
- Okay, let's go shopping.
- I'll be right there.
What are you doing?
You know your brother
can't do this?
- I know.
- He can't represent you.
You'll lose for sure.
- I know.
- Then why are you making
him go through with this?
- I just want him to see
what it's like to be me.
I want him to realize
how tough I've got it.
Take him out shopping.
Get him ready for the contest.
And when the time comes, and
if we have not switched back
to our normal selves,
I want you to go out
on the runway for me.
- You want me to
be Helen Blazes?
- You can be whomever you like.
Just take my place.
Let Dallas off the hook
at the last minute,
but make him squirm a
little before you do.
He always said he would
do anything for me.
Well, I just want to
see how far he'll go.
(exciting instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(exciting instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(elegant instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(elegant instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(elegant instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(upbeat dance music)
(Vegas show music)
(exciting instrumental music)
(suspenseful music)
(exciting instrumental music)
- Okay, I think we've
got everything we need.
Ready to go, Tiger?
- (Chuckles) Funny.
- What's funny?
- It's what my wife
calls me. "Tiger".
- You don't have a, oh
wait, I guess you do.
- Yes, I do.
At least I think I still do.
- What's her name?
- Katelyn.
- Katelyn. That's a pretty name.
I bet she's pretty too.
Just like her name.
- How about you?
Have anyone special?
Oh, uh, you and my brother?
- (laughing) Oh, hell no.
- Okay, okay, I didn't know.
- Don't you and your
brother ever talk?
- Sure we talk.
But I don't ask a
lot of questions.
I mean, he has his life.
I have mine.
- Well, your brother
doesn't have much of a life.
- Really?
- Look around you.
This is pretty much it.
This and work.
- So you mean he
doesn't have a friend.
- Do you mean a boyfriend?
- I guess so.
- You don't really talk, do you?
- I guess not.
- No, Austin is quite alone.
He doesn't seem
to have much luck
when it comes to the fellas.
I don't get it.
I mean, you are, he is cute.
But love just doesn't seem to
be in the cards for Austin.
- I didn't know.
- There is one
thing he does have.
- What's that?
- You, for a brother.
- Well, he's always had me.
We're family.
- But look at what
you're doing for him.
- Well, I'm just
covering for him
until this weird
thing wears off.
Well, until it gets
back to where we were.
- No, you're doing
more than that.
I wish I had someone
like you in my life.
- Don't you have family?
- Family?
Nah, I'm an only child.
I have no concept
of what it's like
to have an older brother
looking out for me.
I used to pretend I did,
but pretending and having
are two different things.
- But you had the
love of your parents.
- I might have had
the love of my mother
if she had only lived long
enough for me to know her.
But I only had my dad.
There was no love lost there.
- Is he still alive?
- Not to me.
The last time I saw my dad was
at the assisted living
facility where he now resides.
He's not that old but he was
starting to lose his memory
and he couldn't live on his own.
So I decided it had been awhile.
Pay him a visit.
I figured if he was
losing his memory
maybe he'd forgotten
how disappointed he was
in having a sissy for a son.
I went in to see him
and there he was,
this shell of my father
looking empty and old.
I barely recognized him.
He sure didn't seem
to recognize me.
We just sat there and
talked for awhile.
He didn't say a word.
He just let me go on and on.
- Yes, I've noticed you
are pretty good at that.
- See? You have your
brother's sense of humor.
So I kept talking and just
rambling about different things.
I was almost enjoying the
fact that he didn't know me.
That was the first time
I had been with him
where I didn't feel
his anger and disgust.
So I kept talking.
I don't know what happened,
but something I said seemed
to trigger something
inside of him.
His eyes seemed to brighten.
(gentle instrumental music)
His mind seemed to clear.
And he looked at me.
And I knew for a
moment, a brief moment,
that he could see me.
He even said my name.
He said, "Jackie"
And I said ...
"Yes, Daddy.
"It's me.
"It's me, Jackie, I'm here."
And then he said the four words
that every son longs to
hear from their father.
"You got AIDS yet?"
I never went back there again.
So, you see, I know
how lucky Austin is
to have you someone
like you in his life.
What you're doing for
him is pretty amazing.
Okay, (laughing)
that's enough drama.
I gotta get this
stuff down to the car.
It's getting late.
(door slams)
(horn honking)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- [Katelyn] Hey, Tiger.
- Hello, who is this?
- Very funny.
How'd your presentation go?
- Presentation?
- Dallas, honey, are you okay?
- Katelyn, is that you?
- Yes, of course, it's me.
What time are you coming home?
Are you sure you're okay?
You don't sound like yourself.
- I don't?
Don't be ridiculous.
Who else would I be?
I mean, of course,
I'm Dallas, er, me.
This is me.
Me is who I am.
- You sound different.
You're talking differently.
- Really, I am?
(in a deeper voice)
Really, I am?
I don't know what you mean.
- Okay, Tiger.
I don't know what
game you're playing
but I want you home
promptly at seven.
All will be prepped
and ready for you.
Got it?
- Um, got it, seven o'clock.
I'll see you then, Tiger.
- What?
(Gentle instrumental music)
- Uh,um, Tigress?
Honey?
Love Muffin?
- I don't what's wrong with you,
but you'd better
be home on time.
- Got it.
Um, I'll see you then, Pumpkin.
Um, sweetie, Angel Puss?
(suspenseful music)
(phone ringing)
(phone vibrating)
- Hello?
- Where's Dallas?
I need to talk to him.
I've been trying to
reach him on my phone.
- First of all, calm down.
Second of all, we
don't have your phone.
We probably left
it at your place.
Your brother's not here.
He's in the powder room.
I think he's throwing up.
He's really getting nervous.
- But I really need
to talk to him.
- What's your problem?
- It's Katelyn, his wife.
She's expecting me home, or
she's expecting Dallas home.
I don't think that
I can cover for him.
She's gonna know
something's different.
- Oh, my God, honey.
Is that all?
Just go to her house.
I'm sure she has a
nice dinner all prepped
and ready for you.
How can you mess that up?
Just butch it up.
You'll be fine.
I have much bigger
things to worry about.
- So how was Dallas today?
Does he still think
he's going on?
- Yes, I haven't told him yet.
- Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'll go get Katelyn and
bring her to the show.
Dallas said they had plans
but surely a dinner
can be postponed.
I'll bring her to
the show tonight
and then you and I can
tell Dallas together
that you are going
on for him instead.
Do not tell him
until I get there
and don't tell him I'm coming.
- You are really turning
into a catty little bitch.
I am so glad we're friends.
- Well, who says we are?
Okay, well, I'll
talk to you later.
- Feeling better?
- Maybe a little bit.
And then again, maybe not.
I don't get it.
I thought this whole thing
would be over by now.
I thought things would
return to normal.
What if it doesn't?
What if I have to be a
queer the rest of my life?
- First of all, you are not
allowed to say that word.
- I'm sorry, I'm just upset.
What if I really do
have to go out there?
Jackie, I don't know if I can.
I don't know if I can do this.
- Dallas, you've done
so much for Austin.
He really doesn't deserve it.
You're amazing.
I wish I had someone
like you in my life.
- He's my brother.
We're family.
I'd do anything for him.
I just never thought it
would be something like this.
- Austin doesn't deserve this.
(gentle instrumental music)
You need to know something
about your wonderful brother.
- I don't care what
you say about him.
We're family.
I know he'd do this for me.
Probably even do more.
- Oh, really?
I wouldn't be so sure.
Dallas, I want you
to know something.
Tonight, when it's time
for you to go out on stage.
- Oops, sorry to interrupt.
Now which one of
you is Helen Blazes?
- That would be her.
- Yeah, I guess that's me.
- Love the name.
Now, listen, we've
got to get a move on.
You've got to fill these
forms out, sign you up.
- I'll go.
Helen has a bit of the
butterflies right now.
She needs her rest.
- Fine with me.
I just need somebody to
fill these forms out.
Come on, girl.
- Well, I'd had better get
my queer ass out of here
and get us signed up.
I'll be right back.
- Hey, I thought it was bad
to call someone "queer".
- Oh, no, honey.
We can do it to each other.
Queer, queen, homo.
- Faggot.
- Pansy.
- Fudge packer.
- Fruit.
- Tranny.
- Sodomite.
- Panty waist.
- Fairy.
- Sissy!
- Well, you get the picture.
All of those are okay to say
if you're a part
of our sorority.
You have to be a sister.
We can say it.
You cannot.
Get it?
- It's all very confusing.
- Well, don't let it bother you.
I'll be back.
Don't go anywhere.
- Muffin?
Sugar plum?
Lucy, I'm home.
Katelyn?
Are you okay?
(sighing)
(sensual music)
- Hey, handsome.
- Hey, beautiful.
- Oh, honey.
I didn't think you
would ever come home.
I've been waiting
forever to get started.
Do you like what I'm wearing?
- Oh, yes.
Oh, it's fabulous.
Where did you get it?
At Saks, Macy's?
Oh, I love the color.
Does it come in other shades?
- Stop teasing me.
If you don't like it,
I can just take it off.
- Ah, no!
- Aw, honey.
I didn't think I would ever
have a chance to get you alone.
Look, I've been waiting forever
to tell you I'm sorry
for the way I acted.
Do you like what I'm wearing?
I like what you're wearing.
- I think you have me mistaken
for someone else, buddy.
- Oh, no, Helen.
I know just who you are.
You look hot.
- Helen?
Oh, wait.
I'm not a woman.
This is a wig, see?
I'm a dude.
- No.
Put it back on.
It really gets me hot.
- Oh, baby, what's wrong?
Let me get you out
of these clothes.
Show Momma what you've got.
- (laughing) Stop.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I will be right back.
Oh, no (laughing).
I'm not going back in
there again (laughing).
- Come on, baby.
Let me help you get
into your dress.
- Stop.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.
- Well, don't take too long.
I'll be holding my
breath 'til you get back.
- Yes, you do that.
You promise?
(butt slap sound)
(sighing)
- Are you okay?
Been in there a long time.
- Um, yes, I'm fine.
Um, just washing up.
Be out there in a minute.
- All right, but if not,
I'm coming in there.
- Nope, don't you dare.
I will be right out.
- Jackie?
Jackie?
I need your help.
Where are you?
Jackie?
- Austin.
Austin.
(suspenseful music)
Helen?
Ah ha, I see you.
Come out, come out,
where ever you are.
Gotcha.
- You're still dressed.
Well, I'll take care of that.
- That's okay.
I could do it.
- Oh, don't be such a baby.
- Do you think it's a
little chilly in here?
- Well, I'll get
you nice and hot.
- [Billy] I like it in
the dark, don't you?
- [Dallas] I'm not
who you think I am.
- [Billy] Oh, I
know who you are.
Come here, baby.
- [Dallas] I'm warning you.
Get your hands off me.
- [Billy] Oh, yeah.
Get rough with me, baby.
That's it.
Daddy likes.
- [Dallas] Well, how
do you like this?
(fists thudding)
(gentle instrumental music)
(sighing)
(sighing)
- I got a great idea.
- What's that?
You wanna role play?
- Is that something I like?
I was thinking that tonight
is my brother Austin's show
and I feel bad that
we're not there.
So since it seems like we
don't have anything planned,
let's get dressed and go.
I really hear he's quite good.
- What are you talking about?
We agreed we
weren't going to go.
- We did?
We, we agreed that we weren't
going to go see Austin's show.
We agreed to that?
- We agreed to that because
we have more important things
to take care of.
- More important than
supporting family?
- But you are
supporting your family.
You're supporting
your future family.
Now come here.
Stop all that talk.
- Uh-uh.
- Do I have to get
rough with you?
- Is that something I like?
- Dallas, we only have
tonight and tomorrow night.
Two chances.
Now come here and
let's make a baby.
- Oh my God.
(audience clapping)
- This audience is ready
for a pageant, aren't you?
All right, it's the
Ms. Glam Diva Contest.
The one hundredth
year or something.
I don't know.
But it's a great pageant.
The prize is five
thousand dollars.
(audience clapping)
And let me tell you,
nobody has waited this
long for this little.
But you're, you'll love it.
You'll find something you like.
Everybody in this audience
will go home happy,
especially one of
these contestants.
It's the Ms. Glam Diva Contest.
(audience applauding)
Well, it's time for
the contest to begin.
So, please, sit
back and get ready.
It's going to be a contest
you'll never forget.
- What are you doing
dressed like that?
Is everyone here crazy?
Are there any normal
people in this place?
- What is normal?
- Well, normal is not this.
Did I fall down
some rabbit hole?
- Welcome to Wonderland, Alice.
- Look, Jackie, I can't do this.
I'm sorry, I just can't.
- It's okay, Dallas.
- No, it's not okay.
I thought I could do this.
I thought I could
but there is a limit.
- Dallas, really,
everything's gonna be okay.
- I've been painted.
I've been dressed.
I've been wigged.
I've been humiliated.
I've been groped and grabbed.
I was almost raped.
I can't do this.
I thought I could.
I thought that any minute
this would change back.
But this is becoming
one nightmare
that I can't wake up from.
- [Jackie] Well, part of
that nightmare is about
to come to an end.
- What are you talking about?
- You don't have
to go any further.
You don't have to do any more.
I'm going to go on for you.
I signed up.
I'm going to be Helen Blazes.
- I don't understand.
- It's pretty clear.
I'm gonna go on stage
and represent Austin.
I'm gonna go on
and take his place.
Not you.
- But you aren't Austin.
- And neither are you.
Austin figured you won't be
able to go through with this,
so he asked me to go
on instead of you.
- When did he ask you?
- [Jackie] In your
office this afternoon.
- So he didn't think that I
was going to do this for him?
- Forget it.
It was wrong of him to ask
you to go in his place.
I know you love your brother,
but there's only
so much you can do.
There's a limit.
- But I was gonna try.
I was gonna do this for him.
I really was.
- Dallas, I know.
(gentle instrumental music)
You've done more for somebody
than anyone else could.
But it's clear you've
reached your limit.
- So, Austin didn't think I
was going to do this for him?
He didn't believe in me.
- He didn't think
you believed in him.
So, naturally, he
didn't think you could.
But look at it this way.
If I go on, at least
Austin will have a chance
of winning tonight.
- But.
- No more.
I must go backstage and
get ready to be called.
I have to focus and prepare.
Watch my shit.
You can't trust any of
the queens around here.
Just let it go.
It really is for the best.
- (gasping) A baby?
- Yes, isn't it wonderful.
The family we always wanted.
- Katelyn, this isn't right.
I've gotta tell you something.
- You can tell me anything.
Anything you want.
- I'm not who you think I am.
- You can be whomever
you want to be.
Just come here.
- I'm not Dallas. I'm Austin.
- Oh, that's hot.
Okay, okay, I know.
I'll be my sister, Mollie.
Oh, Austin, come to Mollie.
Show me what you've got.
But don't tell your brother
or my sister Katelyn.
You know they think you're gay.
I always knew you weren't gay.
Come to me, you closet breeder.
- (gasping) I gotta pee.
- (sighing) Again?
- All right, we have
five contestants tonight.
It's gonna be great.
Let's meet them right now.
Contestant Number One.
(audience applauding)
Pearl Harbor.
What a way to start a
pageant, I tell you.
This outfit, I'm sure,
came from Lord and Taylor
but, or Taylor and Lord.
She drove forty
miles to get here.
Maybe she walked,
I don't know, but.
Go that way a little bit.
There we are.
Oh, dear, I'm sure you want
to find out a little bit
more about this contestant.
I believe it's her
first pageant ever.
I find that hard to
believe, but it is.
- Really, bro?
You really didn't think I'd
go the distance for you?
Is that how you really felt?
You never believed in me?
From the beginning?
(gentle instrumental music)
- Let's go to
Contestant Number Two.
Cookie Fortune.
What a contrast,
oh, my goodness.
Cookie Fortune is our
second contestant.
And let me tell you, if you
think that skirt is too short,
you don't have legs
like that (chuckling).
She loves every bit
of that applause.
Yes, she'll take that home and
put it in a little keepsake.
That's Contestant Number Two.
- She sees Dallas.
I am Dallas.
If something happens
in there tonight,
it is Dallas doing it.
Not me.
She wants a baby.
She wants a baby tonight.
What am I thinking?
(playful instrumental music)
I can't do that.
That's my
sister-in-law in there.
What am I thinking?
But I am Dallas.
That's who will be
going through with it.
Not me.
Oh, but she's a woman.
I can't make out with her.
I couldn't even get it up for
her, let alone make a baby.
But I guess Dallas could,
if I truly am Dallas.
Could I go that
far for my brother?
But, but a, but a woman.
Really, oh.
But Dallas likes women.
Dallas likes sex with women.
(gentle instrumental music)
You wouldn't have a
problem, would you, bro?
Way to go, bro.
(audience clapping)
- This is an audience
that knows what they like
and they like what they're
seeing up here tonight.
Don't you, ladies and gentlemen?
Okay, you're so enthusiastic.
Let's see if Contestant
Number Three's
what your waiting for.
Bring her out,
Contestant Number Three.
Oh, this is Chablis.
It is a Ms. Glam Diva Contest.
Yes.
Not her first time at the rodeo.
You can tell.
She's walked the runway before.
Just gloriously, um, she
has a career ahead of her.
She's got seven pageants
at home but let's, lets,
a little bit more for her.
We promised you a
contest tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, and
I think we have delivered.
What a pageant it has been.
Well, there's more.
Please welcome Contestant
Number Four, Crystal Balls.
- Out of the way, bitch.
(drums beating)
(cymbals ringing)
- Okay, there's
not that much more
but there's a little
bit more there.
Uh, she is really so
excited to be here.
She's a little nervous.
Okay, don't be
mean to each other.
Doesn't look like a Miss
Congeniality contestant there.
You're next, honey.
(gentle instrumental music)
- [Dallas] I've got this.
- [Emcee] I didn't say it
was better automatically.
But she does, uh, all
right, there we are.
She has got some hair, some
feathers, and some attitude too.
All right.
- [Dallas] What's my name again?
- Helen Blazes.
- Really?
- Tell me about it.
Are you sure you
want to do this?
- [Dallas] Family.
- Family.
- [Emcee] It's time for
our final contestant.
- Ladies and Gentlemen.
- I can do this.
- Please welcome.
- I can do this.
- Contestant Number Five
- I can do this.
- Helen Blazes!
Contestant Number
Five, Helen Blazes.
There she is. Our
final contestant.
Helen Blazes, and is she
not a blazen contestant.
What's with the shoes, honey?
I don't think we need to
see the shoes so much.
It's the gown.
It's all about the gown.
Give us a turn there.
That, uh, oh, we may have
a little wardrobe
malfunction there.
Thank you, audience.
And let's keep that
encouragement going.
I know how I felt
trying something for
the very first time.
How do you do it?
You've got to climb
back on that horse
and give it
everything you've got.
You've got to be at
the top of your game.
Just as our contestants
are tonight here
at this incredible pageant.
Let's hear it again
for Contestant Number
Five, Helen Blazes.
(audience clapping)
Now that is a contestant
that will stay
in your mind for
quite some time.
(crowd mumbles)
(coin rattling)
- I can't, I can't.
I'm sorry, brother.
I can't do it, I just can't.
This is too much.
- I can't, I can't,
I'm so sorry, brother.
This is just too much.
(coin rattling)
(mysterious instrumental music)
- Oh, yes, I can.
- Oh, yes, you can.
(gentle instrumental music)
- Oh, yes, I can.
(audience clapping)
- [Emcee] I don't believe it.
Contestant Number Five
rises like the phoenix.
Look at her.
That's a Glam Diva right there.
I think we have our winner.
Judges, what do you think?
I mean, after all
that embarrassment.
She's a trooper.
Oh, unbelievable.
In all the history
of this pageant.
Walking like the trooper she is.
That is a champion.
Oh, my goodness.
I've never seen this.
In the history of
the entire pageant,
that is history in
the making there.
You saw it.
You could cut the
tension with a knife.
- And here's to
the great news that
in about nine months I'm
going to be an uncle.
- And a godparent
if all goes right.
- A godfather.
And it will go right.
- Wow, an uncle and godfather.
It's an offer I can't refuse.
(laughing)
- Speaking of refusals,
are you sure you
won't reconsider
coming to work for me?
Mitch says you
saved that account.
- No, you saved that account.
That was you in there, remember?
- That's right.
But the offer still stands.
- No thanks.
I've had enough of
living in your world.
I think I need to find my
own world and make that work.
Does Katelyn suspect that?
- Why should she?
Why should she?
That was me in there, remember?
And thank God it really was me.
- So Jackie told me
about all you did
for me at the pageant.
Sorry that I ever doubted you.
And I'm sorry that I ever
put you through that.
I mean, you're pretty amazing.
Thank you.
- Well, you'd probably
be thanking me
if you actually won the
contest or even placed.
Sorry about that.
- That's okay.
I mean, there's always
next year, right?
Anyways, who needs the money?
- Obviously you do.
How do you intend to pay me back
for all these charges you
put on my credit card?
- What? I ...
- So that's Austin's
brother, Dallas?
Wow, he is hot.
I wouldn't mind trading places
with his wife for a night.
Lucky lady.
- This has always
brought me good luck.
Maybe it'll do the same for you.
(mysterious instrumental music)
(coin rattling)
- Whoa, honey?
Are you okay?
- I don't know.
I'm, I feel faint suddenly.
(suspenseful music)
(energetic music)
♪ Another dollar, another day
♪ Another hurdle
coming in my way
♪ Sleepless nights
got me holding tight
♪ To the dreams that
seem so far away
♪ I can't rest now
same old thing now
♪ Gotta take it
up to the next one
♪ I know I'm fried,
but I've got to try
♪ To see just how far I'll go
♪ This is farther now
♪ I will be the fighter
♪ This is stronger now
♪ And this is only
gonna be the start
♪ Remove the worry,
dispel the doubt
♪ Things are not as
precious as they seem
♪ Can't keep complaining,
won't stop the raining
♪ Of the many storms
that rage outside
♪ Staying hungry,
staying bold now
♪ It's my time to come
and make my mark here
♪ I know it's hard,
but I can't be barred
♪ So I'll see just
how far I'll go
♪ One day I will be
right next to you
♪ This is stronger now
♪ I will be the fighter
♪ This is farther now
♪ And this is only
gonna be the start