My Brother the Vampire (2001) - full transcript

My brother the vampire

Perhaps everything in life is
predestined, written in the stars.

Who you meet and who you don't.
What subject you fail.

And who gets your
first French kiss

in Spin the Bottle.

I'm nearly 15 and
can't concentrate.

Can't sleep at night.
My hormones are acting up.

And I'm outgrowing
my size 34A bra.

It's high time.
No one can get in my way.

Nobody on Earth.
No damn heavenly body.

No illfated star.



Rule One.

The first time is for all time.
Your eternal keepsake.

What gorgeous legs.

They say sex is like flying.
You take off and soar.

Until you're out of touch
with the ground.

Fly with me? Nonsense.

Tomorrow.

U.S. Researchers say
fucking is better than vitamins.

The exchange of body fluids
makes you more immune.

Gorgeous.
The climax is the best part.

Because of the juices.
It's called "coming".

You can also call it "orgasm".

Or... gas... em.
Right on!

Both lovers must get in rhythm
during the crescendo.



Get in the swing like...
a pendulum.

I think they're coming.

Fire!

Did she see you? Yeah!
Yeah, man!

You okay? I don't know.

Did you come?

Mike, something's up there.

I can adapt. Shift my weight.
To the side.

What?

Too fast?

You were beautiful. Honestly.

But I saw something else outside.

All we have to do
is get in swing.

Like a pendulum.

You're a damn cute kennel keeper.

Rule Two.

Two people fall in love
when their genetic patterns match

Preservation of the species.
Olfactory instincts.

Genetic patterns
have specific aromas.

Well?

Nothing. An animal.
A cat.

Down to three fingers!

If I catch you with Josh
on the roof again...

Get this straight.
It is an intimate affair

when two people...

Making love
is not a public peep show.

Three fingers.
That includes you.

What did we agree?

Thanks. You weren't that hot.
Too hectic.

Unresponsive to
your lover's needs.

Nadin!

Don't let the toast get cold.

I want you guys
to meet Nadin.

My kid sister, Nic.

My brother Johannes.
Josh!

Declared incompetent
on 12 December 1974.Retarded.

Heard lots about you.

Hey, you!

Hey, you. Hey, you.

It's for you.

I am honored to invite you
to my birthday party.

My 30th.

Absentees subject to arrest.

Hugs,
The Prince of... Darkness?

That's me! Me, yeah, me!

Me!

That's me!
Look at this! Three fingers.

Three days, you mean.
Three fingerdays.

When you're 30
you're a fullfledged man.

What kind of present do you want?

Tell her.
What do you want?

A cockscrew.

Stand by your feelings and dreams
Just be yourself.

Then he'll love you
for what you are.

A cockscrew from you.

You mean a fuckhole.
Nadin.

I take it all back.

Listen, Josh.

How do you picture it?
You and Nadin are strangers.

Cockscrew, cockscrew.

Shut up! Mike... Quiet!

Why do you tell Josh such crap,
Nic? Me?

I didn't say anything.

Who did? Father Christmas?

Josh deserves some pussy.

He's different.

You mean screwed up?

Stop it.
Don't insult Josh!

"Don't insult Josh!"

You jerkoff!
Break it up, gang.

Stay out of it.
It's a family affair.

Josh is almost 30.
He can fight his own battles.

Josh?

Come back this minute!
Defend yourself, Josh!

Sorry, Mama.
I just wanted...

Oh, what's the use?

Genetic engineering
has supplanted

natural reproduction.

In the United States of America
alone

over 6,000 test tube babies

are conceived annually.

Right, 6,000.
The advantages are obvious.

Pregnancy at 70.
Biological replacement parts.

Total character control.

Last but not least:
100% perfect children.

Morning. Hello, Nadin.

Can you handle Wolfi again?

I'd prefer Annie.

Wolfi.

Sorry about breakfast.

A family affair. Next.

I'll take Barker.

Want to go out for supper?
Come on. A fancy feast.

Whatever you want. Okay?

Sushi?

Redfox to Headquarters.
Where are the paramedics?

No, I have it all under control.
Roger. Over and out.

Follow my orders.
Don't panic.

Everyone leaves the tube
by emergency exits.

Women and children first.

Anybody need assistance?

Yeah, Nadin, that's my job.

I do my best 289 days a year.
Day and night, rain or shine.

God, Mike. How do you manage?

An ugly family.
An aggravating job.

I had no idea.

Well, I'm not one to brag.

Mike...

Something's got you down.
I can tell.

Yeah, I have a feeling
I can't satisfy you.

You had so many other men.
I'm inexperienced.

Mike.

You're different.
So responsive.

So sensitive.
That's true.

Only one approach will do.

Total prohibition of
human breeding.

In test tubes, artificial wombs,
human, animal or otherwise.

To liven up my act
some images

from my personal files.

The hereditary method
has advantages.

It boosts immunity.

Thanks to body fluid exchange.
Enough, Nicole. Interesting.

YOUR SCHOOL PS YCHOLOGIST

Hey, Nic, a hip report.

Superhuman society.
Racial preservation state.

And the photos at the end
topped it all off.

But don't knock
genetic engineering.

It's a big plus.
Prohibition is no answer.

Rule Four. Choice of mate is
a key determinant.

Premature selection
should be avoided.

I've been thinking about it.
I can't go too far here.

How about a Coke sometime?
I can show you...

Your lease is up,
you little punk.

String the baby up.
That'll do.

Time to pay the rent, pal.

He has a stick of gum, two pens
and a lighter.

Can I slit him open?
Go ahead!

Nobody gets slit open on my turf
without my stamp of approval.

Good afternoon.
Any valuables on him?

A pen, wow. A comb, yuck.

Chewing gum, hee hee.

A floppy! Inside data?

My biology report. What else?

Yes Man High School.
Brainwashing, the great equalizer.

Let me down.

No. Why not?

Want to know why not?

Really want to know?
Listen to this.

How old am I now?
You're 29.

Precisely.

How old will I be?
You're going on 30.

Precisely.

What will that make me?

Then you'll be a fullfledged man.

Quiet!
I can't work in this madhouse.

Man, they cost money.

How much money, 1,000?

I don't know. Go to bed.
Aye, aye.

Mama...

Tell me something. How...
How was it your first time?

Like, I mean...
Did it bleed a lot?

Well, you know, Josh's dad...
I mean Rainer.

He flew the route
from Brussels to Rome.

But I met him in Bottrop.
At the container terminal.

I had just passed
my stewardess exam.

Wet behind the ears.
Automatic pilots were de rigueur.

A technological advance.
What can I say?

We made love from the Alps
deep into the Po Valley.

In the cockpit.
At an altitude of 8,900 feet.

It was very romantic.
I was young and in love.

And pregnant.

Josh was under way.
I was grounded.

My flying days were over.

So if you need the Pill,
let me know.

Promise me that.

I promise.

A little mother and
daughter talk?

You're crazy. Get this.

Nadin and I tried sushi.
Garnished with stuff like seaweed

Now we're going up
to see my electric train.

Have any tunnels?
I got tunnels galore, baby.

What's that peculiar smell?

Mike's new girl
works in a dog pound.

I'll go upstairs. Set it up.

Wait here until I call.
All right?

I want to surprise you.

Don't peek.

Excuse me.
I didn't want to startle you.

Who's that?

Dad. He crashed.

I'm sorry.
It doesn't matter. It's okay.

Wow, how practical!
I could use these.

Tell me...

On the roof...
It was you, wasn't it?

Don't let it happen again.
You peeping Tom!

You're cute.

No, I'm the Prince of Darkness.

And I'm the Princess of the Night

The sheriff.

Farewell, Count Prince.

Lights out. Time for bed.

Tunnels galore. Look.

I'll take it slow.
The other night I was hectic.

Unresponsive to your inner needs.

Hi, handsome.

Manny, wait a minute.

See the new film
with Vincent Gallo? No?

Me neither.

Is it that late?
I missed the last bus.

Wow! That's ever so thoughtful.

A fabulous evening.

Want to come? Inside?
Have a drink. In my room?

Do you want to come in?

Want a drink? Sure.

I'm coming to get you.
Princess of the Night.

Love is hard to explain.
One fact of life

is the bonding and emotionality.
A feeling that jumps on us.

We are powerless to stop it.

Take that thing away.

Where is Nadin?

She's gone. It's your fault.

It's your fault.
You made eyes at him.

Made eyes!
Just trying to amuse myself.

There are better ways
to amuse yourself.

You're jealous.

Totally.
Overcome with jealousy.

What's wrong?

Lay off Josh.
Stop fooling around!

He's abnormal.
Josh has a screw loose.

Well, I like him.

He's laid back, not cramped.

Then give him a fuck.

What?

He's laid back, your style!
Treat him to a fuck!

Or a cockscrew, if you prefer.

Terrific idea.
Solves all our problems.

I'm sorry.

Do you treat everybody that way?
What?

Like your brother?
What's that supposed to mean?

Think it over.

How about tonight?

Under the skylight?
Want to show me your train?

Yes, exactly.

How about tomorrow?

Terror, panic, fear.

Good Lord, what comes next?

Will we meet again?

Yes. No? Yes.
Leave a message to comfort me.

Do it right... Now!

Still there, Nadin?
I wan... I wan...

Not him again!

What the hell are you doing here?
Hide.

Rule Six.

The first time is a mission.

A crusade.
A huge obstacle course

with a glorious prize.
The end of your fucking childhood

Nadin! My beautiful Princess
of the Night.

Come with me, Josh.

Smoking causes cancer
and smelly feet.

Please, I have to concentrate.

That's him.

Going to Nadin?

Forget your dogcatcher.

I want a cockscrew!

Josh, Josh, look at it this way.
It is a social injustice.

Intercourse with
mentally challenged

is not currently en vogue.

Think of birth control
and disease.

And Mike won't like it.
Got me?

I want to show you something.

What's "en vogue"?

En vogue? That means...

It's something that everybody
thinks is great.

Because... because... it's great.

It's en vogue!

Listen to me, Josh.

You wait here
to make sure nobody comes.

Josh, it's terribly important.
A vital mission. Got it?

After all,
you're the Prince of Darkness.

Rule Seven.

The first time
you have to study the guy.

What's he like?
What does he think? Feel?

What does he eat?
Drink?

Is he vegetarian?
Or is he big on ravioli?

It's a matter of management.

We've been taking people's money

and spending it right away.
Now we'll go into business.

Professionally. Incwise.

Ink is a dirty business.
Incorporated.

Like this.
Instead of blowing the cash

each of you buys a share.
You'll be my shareholders.

That increases my liquidity
and I'll invest it.

In bluechips.
Or the Internet.

We'll be at the very top
in seconds.

We'll merge.
You get an annual dividend.

That means money.

Lots of money
for all shareholders.

Profit maximization. New Market.
Ecommerce.

You might turn our cash
into trash.

Stock is the way to
a secure future.

Okay? Just trust me.

Who is that?

Seen the new film
with Vincent Gallo?

Nope.

Let me be with you
With you all the time

Merging breath sublime

Your pretty face and mane
Take away my pain

And your lips command my pace

Robbing the cradle?
Since my nursery days.

Hey, I don't know her.
That's a cheap trick!

Ready, Manny.
Okay, here we go.

Who do you work for?
Who hired you?

Who pays you?

Would anyone?

How's it work?

It cost a fortune.
Which button?

Stop. Here?
High tech foils us again!

I'll document this scene for you.
Spit it out!

Why are you following me?

Spying on us!
What were you doing in my flat?

I... I...

I want... Expensive?

Cost a fortune, you say!
Ergo, come on.

Talk!

I...
I'm listening.

I want to...

Sleep with you.

Do what? Fuck.

I would do it.

What? Shag her.

Got heavy balls?
Enough to knock you up.

What next, Manny?
What do we do to her?

Time for a slit?
Yes... No.

Don't ask me.

Kiss my ass!
He's a mental case.

Miss Photo is too.

They all belong
in a lunatic asylum.

Say something.
Shit happened!

If you get desperate,
ring my bell.

Please don't!

You creepy jerkoff!

What's wrong, Josh?
Josh!

I'm the Prince of Darkness.

That doesn't authorize you
to trail me.

What a pile of shit!

Terror, panic, fear.

Good Lord, what comes next?
Will we meet again? No?

Leave a message to comfort me.
Right now!

Hello, this is Mike.
Neat intro.

What I wanted to say was
that I'm... well, sorry, I guess.

And I hope we can do it again.
You know what I mean.

It's crazy
to be derailed by a crackpot.

Right?

And I wanted to tell you
I like...

That you're the one...
I love.

Rule Eight.

Love is raw capitalism.

Competition breeds business.
It steels you.

Where did Josh get to?

I'm in a hurry. Bye.

Nadin! Nadin!
What happened? Did he?

Were you hurt?

Not me. He was.

He ran across town
and slept at my door.

By morning he was frozen stiff.
Josh gave me this kit.

He has lots of tools.

They don't mean anything.
Really.

Listen to me, Josh.

A girl can only have one guy.

Not two.
That's impossible.

And I'm Nadin's guy.
Understand?

Nadin is taken.
She's booked.

There's no sense going
to her house.

Anyway, not in foul weather.
Got it?

Hey, where are you going?

Stay put when I'm advising you.

What's wrong with you, Josh?
You all right?

Tomorrow's your birthday.
I'll be there.

Okay, Chief. Okay, Chief.

Either you are chief or I am.
The second's an Indian.

Okay, you are chief.

Here's the problem.

Josh turns 30 tomorrow.
He'll be grown up.

It's time for him to experience
various aspects of adulthood.

I'll try to make myself
more clear.

Josh needs a girl.
One of his own.

You came to mind in this respect.

Me? Precisely.

You have
loads of women running around.

Fix something up.

An exotic Mongoloid.
Know what I mean?

Something romantic.

That hits the spot.
Yeah!

I'm sorry.

I guess I forgot something.
About Josh.

That he's in love with my girl.
And he wants her

to give him a cockscrew.

A cockscrew? Yes.

The first hurdle is
his conception of a "cockscrew".

For example. Well?

Huh?
What he thinks it means.

I don't know.
Try asking him.

Why me?
Why should I?

You're his counselor.
And you're his brother.

You have a degree.
And you have a penis.

Come to think of it...
May I give you some advice?

Talk to Josh about it.
Man to man.

He'll listen to you.

Yeah, Josh will listen to me, yeah

Hey, you!

Smoking causes cancer.
And smelly feet.

Hey, wait.

Don't go away.
Do you know a Johannes?

The Johannes
in the Sorting and Packing Room.

That's him. Listen.
Tomorrow's his birthday.

He gave me a message.
You are invited.

Stay here.
He wants you at his party.

Here you go.
Here's the address.

The time. Thank you.

Don't forget.
Six o'clock. Six o'clock.

Okay, I'm ready.
You can do it.

Oh, dear. Now, Josh.

Josh, please do it now!

Rule Nine.

87% of all deflowerings
don't meet expectations.

Boys ejaculate prematurely.
Girls don't climax.

77% of the boys feel guilty.

Most girls feel dirty.

Nobody ever laughs.
All you get is a soiled sheet.

It's better to do it on a towel.

I'll do it on a towel.

Me, Nadin and a towel.

Oh, Josh.
You haven't got a notion.

It's all the same.
It doesn't matter.

Hey. I apologize. For my brother.
It's because he's in love.

What happened to your lip?
Don't you like it?

Of course I do.

Got a light by any chance?

I certainly do.

May I come in?
No!

Clean them thoroughly.

My birthday's not until tomorrow.

Open it. It's a special present.

I know all you're going through
with Nadin.

I can sympathize.

You're at a critical age.
When girls get interesting.

You find them kind of exciting.
They prey on your mind.

But girls can be tricky
and hard to get.

They don't always give you
what you want.

Use your imagination.

Imagine every girl
in this magazine is Nadin.

They'll give you a cockscrew.

It's a tested home remedy.
It's convenient and under cover.

Do you know
how a cockscrew works?

In other words, the...

The New Market is
a sensitive organ.

All you really need
is one qualification.

Sensitivity. It's not for...
Sometimes I think the boys...

They don't grasp my...

Follow me?
You have to catch the scent.

Know where the wind's blowing
and strike it rich.

You can double
or triple your investment.

Year after year.

And, in general...
When you have

that feeling in your groin.
Feelings feel good.

Precisely.
It is your... your cue to act.

You grab a glossy skin mag.

And... Regard it lovingly
and do this.

Awesome!

Rubber?

I'm ready as I'll ever be.

Your turn, buddy.

Don't worry. Everybody does it.

No, no, no, no, no.
Your pecker this time.

Who are they for?

Oh, just for me.
Cool. That's hot! Cool.

Think so?

You won't show a soul.

No. Promise?

I promise.

Nice technique.
Not bad.

Maybe...

Tell me, how... how do...

How do other girls kiss?

What do you mean?
More tongue?

Well, let me... More saliva?

Gee, I don't know.
Or firmer?

At any rate, keep it up.
Speed it up until you...

Until it's over.
That's called coming.

Or... gas... em.

Precisely.
The pictures improve performance.

What do you say now?
Thanks a lot.

I'll put the stuff on the bed.
Have a good time.

Josh, remember one thing.

Everybody does it.

What do you say now?
Do I have a way with him?

Yeah, I have a lot of pull!
Precisely.

Shit. What's wrong now?

What's the matter?
Give me a hand.

How? What's wrong?

It won't work.

Shit. It won't work.

No way. I'm sorry.

I can't get an erection.
Vince Gallo!

I prefer porn.

Get another guinea pig.
You're too kinky, Miss Photo.

Wait. We can iron that out.

I'm all set up with lubricants.

I didn't buy it to play with.

Know what a girlie
magazine costs?

Forget Girlie. I want Nadin.

No, you don't.

She's Princess of the Night
and I'm en vogue.

Cut that crap.
Who's N. Vogue?

Look, Josh.
You're someone special.

Utterly singular.

I'm not single.
I'm Prince of Darkness.

Exactly. Darkness! Dimwitted!

Not bright enough to know
what "I love you" means.

He's too dull upstairs.

Plus, she doesn't love you.
She loves me.

Get out. Beat it!
No brother of mine!

He tripped and fell, you say?

Right, on an extension cord
from the lamp in the living room.

He needs rest.

Treat him to something.
Goodbye.

I'm going to lie down.
Mama.

I feel sick.

Be sensible. He's sick.
You're fine.

You asshole.

Happy birthday!

A swell party.

We debated who's chief.
If you're chief, I'm boss.

Then we have no conflict.
Am I right?

Here's to the chief.
Here's to Chief.

Chief says, "Here's to the boss."
Who cares?

You look sensational
in your old uniform.

Oh, cut it out!
I mean it.

Gosh, Rudy.

Remember our school pranks.
Behind the ash cans.

You were my Cinderella.

You were a hick, a clumsy oaf.

I know.

I'm unattractive.
Always was.

I'm no highflying pilot.
I'm a lowly bus driver.

I have a nest egg, Marlies.

My house,
a piece of the stock market.

I'm sorry, Rudy.
I have nothing to offer you.

I'm empty inside.

Not enough there to
give my children.

I don't need much.
I'm easily satisfied.

I love you, Marlies!

I know.

That makes no difference.

Happy birthday.

Thank you. Want a drink?

Right. A drink?

Please.
Right this way.

I'm really glad you came.
Awfully glad.

I am too.

How is Josh doing?
Not bad.

Want some music?

He's down, isn't he?

Never. He'll perk up.

I think I can help.
I thought about your hint.

I'm available. I'll do it.

What? You'll do what?

Go to bed with Josh.
If he's dead set on it.

For a birthday present.

I can handle it. No sweat!

It's all in the family.

I think Nadin wants
to tell you something.

I'll join you soon.

Take care of this.
Sure.

What's the score, sis?

The pierced lip is cool.
Welcome to the Love Parade.

All arranged?

Like what? For Josh.

Yes.
Your girl sorted out?

My girlfriend?

She's on top of the world.
It all worked out all right.

Yeah, it all worked out.

Look who's here.
Let's go.

Where?
To a genuine cockscrew.

What's the idea?
This isn't the place for it.

Mike, talk to me.

What about?
About, well... about...

About going to bed
with every birthday boy.

Try to be serious!
Do you see me laughing?

Ha ha! Come on, Josh.

If you leave now...

Go on. Lf you...

Don't hit her! Slut!

Does it still hurt?

What did Nadin want?

I'll be right back.

Who's on fire?

Are you free?
Free as a bird.

Come, Josh. Meet my pal.

He's the Prince of Darkness.

If so
my home is your castle, Prince.

Come.

Don't be shy.
She's a friend of mine.

Take care of this.
Sure.

Come to Mama.

I charge handicapped
clients extra.

He isn't crippled,
just slow on the draw.

What's your real name?

Josh. Mentally retarded.

Declared incompetent
on 12 December 1974.

That's a nice name.
I'm Chantal. Here you go.

Listen, big boy.
Your buddy wants us to have sex.

Do you want to?

Yeah! Yeah!
I want a cockscrew from Nadin.

Call me Nadine
if it suits your fancy.

Nadin?

Josh?

What nice teeth you have.
You think so?

Yes, and I'm knowledgeable.

Got men figured out?
Or women?

Come on.
You'll love it.

No big deal.
We'll get together somehow.

Your upstairs confuses me.

I have your downstairs
under control.

That's my field.
Either you want a fuck

or you don't. A cockscrew.

A screw, a fuck and a screwball.
All in a day's work.

You see?
If we put our heads together...

Keep your mind
on the business at hand.

Now we're getting into it.
You see what I mean?

Piss off, freak!

Josh.

What's wrong?
Did you whip him?

Bring me your scum!

I'm no social worker. I'm a whore.
Where's Mama?

Can't you be gentler?
He's retarded.

Now you tell me!
What's wrong?

Make her apologize to my brother.

That wasn't my idea.

Listen, sunshine,
watch your tongue.

We aren't your grumpy
subway riders.

Attention, folks.

Hey, that van's my livelihood!
Damn it! Fuck!

Asshole.

You stupid asshole.
Yeah, yeah.

You braindead jackass!
I got the message.

Shut up!

I have to take a leak.

I never knew
you were a car freak.

Neither did I.

When did you start smoking?

Today.

Don't make a habit of it.

Yes, Daddy.

What's that supposed to mean?

Someone has to keep an eye
on you two. Don't they?

Stop it! Cut it out!

No more fights.
Josh, cool it.

We're not arguing.
Enough!

Josh, calm down.
Cockscrews are fucked up!

Josh, get a grip on yourself.
I quit.

Chantal's a retard!

Leave me alone!
Josh, it's over now.

Mike, take a look way up there!

I'm sorry.

A problem is only a hassle
if we blow it out of proportion.

Hassles are homemade horrors.

And homemade problems
have no solutions.

Go on in.
I'll go get the armored car.

Turn the lights off
when you go to bed.

Oh, never mind.

Rule Number 10.
Ignore all rules.

Some solutions are so obvious
that you overlook them.

Borrowed and returned.
That's what we like here.

We don't cater to your kind.
Poor losers.

Where did you dump
your Dracula lookalike?

Man!
Don't run my brother down.

Or his Dracula kick.
That's his refuge.

Has that sunk in?
His head is his shell.

He feels at home there.
He understands that world.

No one makes fun of him there.
Get it, guys?

He needs it to survive
like you need air.

Want to know why?
I'm curious.

So he doesn't become
a bum like you. Got me?

Let me be with you

With you all the time
Merging breath sublime

Your pretty face and mane
Take away my pain

And your lips command my pace

I'm a mirror fine
Reflecting looks of thine

Lose myself in your embrace

Silent fathoming
More than just a fling

Knowing you're right there

Lying side by side
Like a groom and bride

Where no sound can penetrate

Your whisper to discern

Never more to yearn

When your smile envelops me
Let me be with you

With you all the time
Merging breath sublime

When the days begin
With intrusive din

Our long night's still passing by

I always thought
once I'd done it once

everything would be easier.
Less tense and messed up, somehow.

I though everyone would see it

and I would be "in".
I was partly right.

But only partly.

We have only one consolation.
That we can fly.