My Brother the Time Traveler (2017) - full transcript

- Hey, bro, got my battery.

No!

- Easy, easy.

I'm Dr. Murphy, hypnosis.

You were hypnotized.

You were in deep.

I hypnotized you.

Okay, now come out of it slowly.

Hypnosis.

Maclain, now you said
while you were under

that your parents
were frozen to death.



Is that right?

- Died in a car accident.

It's my dreams,

they die in all sorts
of different ways.

Sometimes they're on fire.

Sometimes they're drowning.

- Uh-huh.

- Last time they were
falling off a cliff

and I can't do
anything about it.

And then he's there every
time filming the whole thing.

- Ah, he, your brother, right?

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

- Yes, It's quite
frustrating, so.

Mm-hm, mm-hm.



- If you can tell me what I
need to know to get rid of them,

that'd be great.

- Mm.

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

- I'm sorry, do you
want me to keep talking?

I kinda got to the end
of my thought there.

- Oh, oh, okay, okay okay okay.

So, so, so, so you have a dream,

uh, that you can't interpret,

so you're wondering
what that means.

So let me explain, okay.

Now dreams, right, are,
come from the brain, right.

Your brain goes to sleep
and you create these dreams.

Now dreams, uh, even though
the brain is creating them,

the brain can't
actually do the things

that you're dreaming about.

You understand that, right?

So, so really what
it comes down to,

there's a famous hypnotherapist.

His name is Jonathan Mayer.

He described the body
as being a wonderland.

And what I need
you to understand

about dreams is that when.

Oh you're not following me.

Let, let, let me simplify
this a little bit more.

Dreams are, hm, not real.

Does that make sense?

- Yeah, I'm aware that
dreams are not real, okay?

I just want them to end

because my parents have
been gone for over 15 years.

- Okay, now now now now this
is just me, just a hunch,

but maybe, uh, you know,

your dreams are not
about your parents

as much as they are about,
um, hm, your brother.

- My brother.

- Yes.

He, he's, the, the
delusional one.

- Yes.
- You, you, you said, right?

- Okay, they're not
about my brother.

- Okay, mm-hm, mm-hm.

Okay, but he's the
only one in the dream

that's alive other
than you, right, so.

- Well he's dead to me.

Okay.

- He's been--
- Ah, ah.

Dead

to

you, right?

Okay, right?

- He's pretty much the worst
brother you could ever ask for.

Mm-hm.

- After my parents died,
he decided to go crazy

and leave me with all
the aftermath, so no.

- Mm-hm.
- It's not about him,

even though he tries to
make everything about him.

- Mm-hm.

Mm-hm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Is that all you do is
sit there and mm-hm, mm-hm?

- Okay, this is good.

Now tell me how
this makes you feel?

- You are the worst, man.

- Now, now, now, now, not to
call you out on something,

but how could I be the worst,

when you just said your
brother is the worst, right?

We can't both share
that title, right?

Which leads me to my next point,

which is that
maybe, uh, you know,

your issues here are
with your brother

that you're just not facing,

and you instead are projecting,

you know, um, your anger on me.

- What I'm currently trying
to wrap my brain around

is how in the world
my wife convinced me

to sit here and do this.

- Now now now now now try
to use I feel statements,

I feel this, I feel that.

- I feel like you're an idiot!

- Aha, okay.

- I feel like this is a
complete waste of time,

waste of money.
- Mm-hm.

- And I also feel that
you look like a weasel.

- Hm.

- Actually, no, a ferret.

You have a tiny ferret's head

on an abnormally large trunk
and tiny little baby legs.

- Okay, now I feel
maybe you should

make amends with your brother

and then the dreams
will go away.

- What are you doing?

Oh man.

Hello!

How are you?

Fine, thank you, how are you?

Good that you're polite.

Do you know what time it is?

Yes, it's, oh fudge, I'm late.

Goodbye little guy.

You're free.

- Hey babe, I was just calling
to see how your session with.

I hope well.

I'm out running a few errands,

so I'll be home a
little bit later, okay.

Alright, love you, bye.

- Jake?

- Clare.
- Oh my gosh.

I can't believe it's really you.

- No, what are you doing?

How do you know it's really me?

Can't just open
the door like that.

- Well, you have Maclain's eyes.

And also I've seen a
lot of pictures of you

and you haven't really
changed that much.

- That's a joke.

- Come in.
- Alright, I'll buy it.

You can't be too careful.

There's lots of
crazies going on.

You just can't open your
door for strangers, you know?

- Amen.

- Oh, were you saying a prayer?

Should I have?

- No, I was agreeing with you.

- Oh.

- It's so nice to
finally meet you.

- I know, it's nice
to meet you too.

I feel like I've already
known you for forever.

- Me too.

- Yeah, that's how
the best it is.

I agree.

- Yeah.

So, what made you contact me?

- You contacted me.

- That was the last test.

You passed, you
are the true Clare.

- I know, it's me.

Oh man, that's so fun.

- This is quite
the meeting spot.

- Oh yeah, I like nice
and secluded it is.

In fact, one could
almost murder one

and one would never know.

- Yeah.

- Just kidding.

So what do you say, sis-in-law?

- I don't know.

It's just he's been
on edge lately.

We're having some
personal problems,

and also he's been having
these terrible nightmares.

So I just don't know
if the timing's right.

- That's what I
thought at first too,

but then I remember that we
had the best time at Christmas.

So I decided what
better timing, right?

- Well, what about this?

What if you call him
right now and you ask him?

Then maybe he'll agree to it.

- I think we both
know what he'll say.

Well, this was gonna be fun,

but you seem very nice.

I was looking forward to
getting to know you guys again.

And you again, for
the first time.

- Well wait.
- Take it easy.

- Wait, Jake, Jake.

Huh?

- Okay, I don't feel
comfortable lying to him,

but what if you happen to
show up at the family cabin

that we're going to be
at all weekend long?

- I see.

I'll happen to be there maybe.

You don't know this,

but you just made the best
decision of your life.

Good luck getting out of here.

- Bye.

See you soon.

Maclain?

- I'm in here.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- So, how was it?

Was he so good?

- Actually he was insane.

Complete waste of money
and a total quack.

- What?

- Yeah.
- But.

That's so weird, he was
so highly recommended.

- I knew it was a bad idea.

I don't need a therapist.

I just need to bury this
like normal people do.

- I mean, he didn't
have any good points?

- Not one.

He said he thinks my dreams stem

from issues with my brother.

- That's interesting.

- Yeah, he said that maybe
I should try reconnecting

with him, that it might help
me leave the past in the past.

- Maybe he's right.

I mean, maybe you've
been feeling bad

because your relationship
with him is so broken.

- First of all, he's the one
that broke the relationship

when he went full crazy on me

and when he abandoned me, okay?

And second of all, why
are you taking the side

of some hypno bullcrap artist.

- Because it
actually makes sense

and maybe he can
make you feel better.

- I feel great.

Actually, I feel wonderful.

- But secretly, deep down,

don't you wish you could
fix things with him?

I mean, maybe he's
super nice and likable

and isn't Christmas the
perfect time for that?

- This is completely insane.

- You don't have to be rude.

- No, check out this last
minute travel deal I got.

- No, no, no, no, we're not
going to Fiji for Christmas.

- You said I needed
something new.

Maybe this is a sign.

- The universe does not send
Groupon text alerts as signs.

- Well, I want you
to imagine one thing.

You and me on a romantic
beach on Christmas Eve.

Come on, doesn't
that sound romantic?

I mean, the cabin, it's so blah.

- Cabin is not blah.

The cabin is the most
Christmasy place ever

and Fiji is like the least
Christmasy place ever.

- Okay, but I just want
something different, you know?

Let's start a new
tradition, me and you.

- No, a tradition is
something you do every year.

You don't just start a
new tradition willy billy.

- Willy billy?

This is perfect.

Your parents are off
cruising the Mediterranean.

Your brother's are with
their in-laws this year.

We can just go off, you and I.

- I'm telling you, I have
a really special feeling

about this year.

I think it's going
to be amazing.

I might even have
a special surprise.

- Let's just do your
surprise right now.

- No, we're going to the cabin

and it's going to be the most
Christmasy Christmas ever

and you're going to be
happy about it, okay?

- Christmasy is not a word.

- Maybe not but Scrooge is.

- Actually that's a name, so.

- Okay.

- Come on.

You don't have to be
the Christmas bully?

- Really?

- Okay, fine, you're
not the Christmas bully.

You're just like a
disgruntled elf or something.

- Mm-hm.

- Alright, we'll do it.

We'll go to the cabin this year.

And maybe next year we'll
have an enjoyable Christmas.

- Cool, see you next year.

See,
look at these clouds.

I'm worried about
this storm coming up.

I think we'll be okay.

- What I'm worried about
more than this storm

is what is my big
surprise gonna be?

Is it a baby deer that I
get to raise to be a buck?

- You're dumb.

- How about this, is
it a cardboard cutout

of Carl Weathers
eating chicken parm?

- Ew, no.

- I am going to keep trying
until I get it right.

- Okay.

- Is it a North Korean pen pal?

A Britney Spears Chia head?

A self-cleaning churro machine?

King Triton's trident?

Aladdin's lamp?

Cave of wonders?

All the treasures?

The thing-ma-bob?

A jingle-hopper?

The head of Monrovian diplomat?

The heart of gypsy?

Would you
please stop talking?

- It's the heart of a gypsy.

I can tell.

- Okay, you really
want me to tell you?

- Yes, I do.

- Okay, this is a
pretty big surprise.

So, are you sure you're ready?

- Lay it on me.

Why did you think
this was a good idea?

- Your therapist, all
the podcasts I listen to,

Tony Robbins says this
is suppose to be good.

- He says to bring a crazy
person into your home?

- Crazy?

I mean look at him.

He looks completely harmless.

- Yeah, he may harmless and
cozy and soft, but guess what?

He thinks he's a time traveler.

- Well I think that's cool

and I'd like to get to know
your time traveling brother.

So I say he's staying.

- What makes you be
the one who decides?

- I mean, come on, Maclain.

He's not some homeless man
off the side of the street.

You're being irrational.

- I'm being irrational?

You're the one who
wanted to bring him here.

We should've brought
him to an ER.

He needs professional help.

- Actually I'm okay.

I'm alright.

The tent actually took
the brunt of the hit.

- Oh my gosh, he
lives in a tent.

You can not kick him out.

This
is what he does.

He's doing it to you now.

- I'm sensing a lot
of weird energy from.

- No, no, no, no.

Maclain, he was just saying

how excited he is
to have you here.

- No, I was saying
let's not get excited

because Jake probably
has to leave.

- No, no, you were
saying you can't wait

to catch up and reconnect
with your estranged brother.

- No, I thought it was strange
that my brother came here

to our cabin after 15 years.

- No, no, you straight up said,

oh, I'm so happy to
have our brother here

at our family cabin.

What a great Christmas surprise.

- No, Jake, this is what I said.

I said, you and I both know

this is probably
a really bad idea.

So you should just.

- Yeah, I should probably,
probably go, yeah.

I miss this place.

Ouch, ouch.

But I'm gonna go.

I'm just gonna head out.

Really get to a trusted
InstaCare facility.

One with a decent
concussion protocol.

Your Pruis, it was
a, it popped me good.

- Jake, wait.

- No.

- I should probably
actually get the ER.

It's a billboard that said
there's only a 28 minute wait.

I'll be fine, don't worry.

I'm gonna get there before
all the internal bleeding.

I'll be fine by myself.

Oh, my shoulders.

- No, I'm gonna take you.

- No.

Just let
me get my boots on.

- I don't want you
driving out there.

- Oh, we'll be fine.

- You don't know that.

The roads could be bad.

- Well, clearly he
can't walk down there.

So what's your solution?

- Jake, just.

- What, Maclain?

- Shut the door so
you can hear me.

- What?

- You can stay here tonight

and you're welcome to leave
first thing in the morning.

- Serious?

That's perfect.

- Great.

- Great, that's great.

Are you hungry?

I'm starving, Clare.

I got hit by a car.

I'll make
you a sandwich.

- Yeah, no mustard.

- Okay, yeah.

- Can we get a puzzle, Mac?

- You can do a
puzzle with Clare.

I am going to get
firewood for Mr. Clark.

- The taxidermy guy?

No offense but why
doesn't he get it himself?

- I don't know, maybe
'cause he's paralyzed

from the waist down.

Wouldn't you know that?

Or maybe you were off at
the Gettysburg address.

- Yeah right.

I was probably
somewhere way cooler.

Well, I don't
want you to go alone.

I'll go with you.

- I'm fine.

- What if you get lost

and you have to sleep
inside a dead horse?

How come my logs feel like
they're way heavier than yours?

I feel like mine are
heavier than yours.

- Mr. Clark, do you need help?

No, I got it.

Stay right there, guys.

I'll be right with you.

We brought
you some firewood.

- Hey Mr. Clark.

Do you want?

- Oh, hey, it's the
Bernard brothers.

Hi guys, give me one second here

and grab the door.

Okay, oh gravy.

Oh gravy.

I got it, I got it.

- Do you want?
- Gimme.

Gimme one second.

Okay, oh, you little stinker.

Okay, come on, I'm almost there.

Come on.

- Well, just shut.

- Oh thank you.

- Oh, I am so sorry.

Are you cold?

- Oh, good gracious.

- You look really cold.

- No, I'm fine.

I'm not deaf, I'm
just paralyzed.

- Okay.
- I'm great.

- I'm sorry.

- No, that is just fine.

I haven't had any
tingles in my jingles

since the accident.

That's you, Jake.

I didn't even recognize.

Well, how you been?

- How are you doing?

- Oh, you know, I can't complain

except for my severed spine.

But other than that,
I'm doing real great.

- Great.
- I'd invite you all

in for some cocoa,

but I'm been skinning
a momma moose in there.

It's like a real crime scene.

- That's okay, we just wanted

to drop by the
firewood and say hello.

- And spread a little
Christmas cheer.

- Oh, that's real
great of you guys.

I appreciate it so much.

Why don't you two sing
that Christmas song

y'all use to sing to
me every Christmas?

- I don't know if
we remember it.

- Yes, come on, sing it.

- We don't have the right key.

I just, we're gonna be bad.

- Well, alright.

I mean, if you don't wanna
sing it, you don't have to,

but it would sure put a lot

of feeling back into
my useless spine.

Remind me of some simpler times.

Times when I didn't have to use

the internet to get a carpus.

I could just go out
there and see a moose

and kill him with my own hands.

And just act like
Samson, you know?

Slaying the lions with
the jawbone of his ass.

You know, blood just doesn't
feel the same on my fingertips

if I don't shed it my--

♪ Away in a manger

♪ No crib for a bed

♪ The little Lord Jesus
lay down his sweet head ♪

♪ The stars in the heaven
looked down where he lay ♪

♪ The little Lord Jesus
asleep on the hay ♪

♪ Asleep on the hay

Well, thank you, boys.

That, that was real nice.

It sure good to see you two
are still thick as thieves.

Your parents would be so
proud of you, you know?

God rest 'em.

They was just the best.

I sure appreciate you
guys coming out here

and visiting an old
cripple for Christmas.

You know, Christmas
is a hard time

when you're living by
yourself, you know?

And you don't have any family
and you're just thinking

about family and you just
sit quietly by a candle

and you put on jammies
and sit by the fire

and think about doing a puzzle.

Sometimes I draw pictures
of my family on the wall

and I think, well, these
are the people that love me

and they really can't
love me, can they?

And I kiss 'em and
hug 'em and cry.

- Good, okay.

Can we just put it?

- Oh, let me, I got that.

Can I just
leave it there?

- Sure.

- Merry Christmas.
- Bye.

- Merry Christmas.

- Yeah, sometimes I just
I think about people

that would love to be
around me at Christmas time.

It's just that time of year
- Okay, okay.

- Where I would love

to hear something warm
and happy, you know?

Simpler times, really
thinking about times

when I didn't have to go
on the internet to get a--

Hey.

- Hey.

- Clare said to give you this.

- Oh, thanks.

- Don't use up
all the hot water.

- Hey, you wanna
blow some ships up?

- No, I'm pretty tired.

I'm gonna go to bed.

- Come on, one game before
I leave in the morning?

It'd be fun.

That was really cool that
made me help Mr. Clark today.

I like that.

- I didn't make you do anything.

- No, but you're always
good at being nice to people

and I guess I just forgot that.

- I can't believe you
remembered that harmony.

- I will never forget that.

Anyways, it's kinda
ironic that both showed up

at the cabin at the
same time, right?

- No, that's coincidence.

- What?

- Irony would be
like, in this game

if you always put your
ships in the middle

even though you lost
every time you did that.

Coming here after 15
years and seeing me,

that's just coincidence.

- Yeah, I guess so.

I forgot how you're
always so smart.

- So, are you ready to go?

- Just give me a second, okay?

If this is my last
game with you,

then I wanna make it special.

- It's gonna be a long weekend.

Probably have time
for a rematch.

- Oh, I thought I was
leaving in the morning.

Well, I decided

that you can stay
through Christmas.

- Are you serious?

That is awesome.

- Well this isn't for you.

And it's not for
me, it's for Clare.

We're gonna do it for her.

- Let's do it for her.

You gotta give 'em
what they want.

Women are crazy
like that, right?

- Promise me you're
going to be normal.

- The normalest.

Yes, Bernard family style, yeah.

Babe, that's awesome.

I think that's really cool

- But you have to
promise me one thing.

If his weirdness gets too weird,

you have to back me up.

- I can't imagine
that happening.

- Give him time.

- Apparently he has all
the time in the world.

- You know what?

- What, you didn't
even laugh at my joke.

- It's hilarious, I
know but guess what?

It's like really embarrassing

that he brings that
up all the time.

- More embarrassing than
this little situation

happening over here.

- I've lost 15 pounds

since I started working
out with Reggie.

- Okay, but promise
me one thing.

- What?

- Promise that you
will never ever lose

these little love
handles right here.

- Okay, okay, that's just rude.

- I'm serious, I love 'em.

- Then prove it.

Come here.

- Babe, your brother
is in the other room.

- Who's fault is that?

Hey, I'll be quiet if you will.

Hey, get
a room you guys.

- How long have you
been standing there?

- No worry, I didn't
hear anything.

I just was wondering do you
guys have any other ice cream?

This one looks like
the ice planet, Hoth.

- We don't, I'm sorry.

But I can go into town
tomorrow and grab some.

- Okay, just wanted
to check and see.

- Okay, alright.

Good night.

- Thanks, good night.

Jake.

- Yes?

- You wanna shut the door?

- I do want to but you guys
have a thermostat in here

and if it gets too
chilly out there,

I don't wanna creak the
door and wake you guys up.

I'll just leave it open

and I can just come in.

- Yeah, of course,
leave the door open.

No big deal.

Okay, thank you, Clare.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, thank you, Clare.

- Thanks, okay.

Alright, I'm just out
there on that sofa

that you built
into a bed, right?

- Yeah, is that okay?

- Great, that's great.

The bar in the middle
of the back one.

- You wanna sleep in the attic?

- No, I don't.

It's gonna be good.

Thank you so much,
it's gonna be fun.

Okay, I'll see you
guys in the morning.

- Alright, see you
in the morning.

- We're gonna have a good time.

- Yeah.

He's so nice.

I'm really tired.

- Clare?

- Get your boots on.

What's going on?

- Hurry up.

- Dude, what's happening?

- You're gonna need this.

Go!

Help, help us!

Help us, Maclain!

Oh please, help us.

This thing is gonna get us.

- What are you gonna do, bro?

What are you gonna do?

- No!

♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la

♪ Don we now our gay apparel

♪ Fa la la la la la

♪ Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la

♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la

♪ Tis the season to be jolly

♪ I saw three ships
come sailing in ♪

♪ On Christmas day,
on Christmas day ♪

♪ I saw three bagels
come sailing in ♪

♪ On Christmas day
in the morning ♪

♪ On the 12 days of Christmas

♪ My true love gave to me

♪ 12 ginormous muffins

♪ We three kings,
we three kings ♪

♪ See how we roll

♪ And heaven and heaven
and angels sing ♪

♪ Born is the king of Israel

- You have a lovely voice.

- Thank you, so do you.

- I know.

♪ Fall on your

I'll do this one by myself.

- Okay.
♪ On your knees

You sound beautiful.

- Oh, thank you.

♪ Oh, hear the angels voices

♪ Oh night divine

♪ Oh night, oh night divine

♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪

♪ On the Feast of Stephen

♪ Brightly shown
the snow about ♪

♪ Deep and crisp and even

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I am.

I was just thinking about
Good King Wenceslas.

He was good.

I was actually at
the Feast of Stephen.

Just a really good king.

I liked him.

A lot.

- So, how does it work exactly?

- Well I think you just teach
your subjects good principles

and let them--

- No, no, no, I mean,
the time travel.

Did you invent a machine or?

- Clare, I can't
even open a package

of Oreos without destroying it.

You think I'm gonna
invent a time machine?

- I didn't know.

No, no way.

It's all about my
body temperature.

- Really?

Yeah.

- How does that work?

- Well, since you asked,

it all started
after the accident,

the one where my
mom and dad got.

- Yeah.
- Killed.

- Yeah, I know.
- In the car accident.

I was in coma in the hospital

and one night this
idiot nurse named Darrel

accidentally flipped off
the heater in my room.

I was balls cold.

- Oh gosh.

- But I couldn't
press the call button

'cause I was in a coma.

So I just had imagine
somewhere super warm.

Next thing you know I'm
in 12th century B.C. Egypt

under the reign of
Ramesses the third.

- Really?

- Yeah, it was crazy.

It was fun, very fun at first.

- Wow.
- I was sunbathing

in the Nile.

- Yeah.
- I was hanging out

with lots of
celebrity Egyptians.

- Really?

- Yeah, but I don't speak
hieroglyphics for crap

so it got old very fast.

- Oh.

- It kinda sucked after that.

- And then how did you get back?

- Oh, well, I sold
myself into slavery

and got shipped to Scandinavia

and basically just
hopped off the boat

once we got to the North Sea.

Then that just did it.

I got cold enough and then boom.

- Wow.
- Yep.

There I am.

Incredible, really.

- Hey, what's going on in here?

- Huh?

- I swear I heard you talking
about Ramesses the third.

What was that about?

- Oh, I was telling Clare what
kind of history buff you are.

- Mm-hm.

- Well, did he tell you how
his wife conspired to kill him

to take the thrown?

- Oh, yeah, it's my favorite.

- Speaking of favorites,

look what we did for
our favorite guy?

Surprise.

- Are you hungry?

- We did this for
our favorite guy.

- Okay, so we crossed service
off the list with Mr. Clark,

but the next thing is we
need a tree like yesterday.

- Agreed.

- So I say when we're done here,

we head right down to Loan Pine
before it gets too crowded.

- Loan Pine?

- Yeah.

- You're in the middle
of mother nature

and you wanna get your
tree from a stupid mall?

- Well, they have a good prices

and they have this noble
fir that I was checking out.

- Clare, you don't pick a tree.

A tree picks you.

- Really?
- Mac,

have you taught her nothing
of our family traditions?

- I tried but she said no
fake trees, end of story.

- Sorry.
- Fake trees,

what are we, Chinese?

- I know, I said the same thing.

- What does that mean?

- It means that the
Bernard family tradition

is to trudge through
the frozen tundra

at the risk of hyperthermia

and to let the light
of Christmas shine down

on the tree that chooses us.

- Really?

- Yeah, really Clare.

- I love that.

That is so Christmasy.

- I know.

- Why didn't you
ever tell me that?

- Because it's 100 % something
that we never ever did.

- What are you talking about?

- Dad was allergic to pine and
Mom was religiously against

the deforestation of conifers.

We never did that.

- Then why did we load in
the station wagon every year

and go into the backwoods

to cut down a big
ole Christmas tree?

- Because you're confusing our
family with the Griswold's.

Okay?
- No.

- Yes, you are.

Dad drove a Mercury Sable.

We never ever did that.

- That's not true, Clare.

Don't listen to him.

Oh, nevermind, you're right.

That was from
Christmas Vacation.

- Yeah.
- But it was a tradition

to watch Christmas
Vacation every year.

- It's a classic.

- I love that, we
should do that.

- Yeah, I'll see if I
can get it On Demand.

- No, no, not the movie.

Well, we should do that,

but also we should
do the tree thing.

We should start that tradition.

- Yes, I call Chevy Chase.

No, no way.

- I called him, Maclain.

- No, we're not, no way
we're going to get a tree.

We don't have a permit

and there's no way we're
gonna get one this late.

- What are you talking about?

There's no park rangers out
on patrol this time of year.

- No.
- Just maybe the Jewish ones.

- This is the exact time of year

that they do patrol again
because people like you

go out and poach them.

- Maclain, the chances
of a Jewish ranger

is slim to none.

- Yeah.
- Plus they hate camping.

- All religious
stereotypes aside,

we don't have a permit,
we're not doing it.

- Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

- Cha-ching.

- Yeah.

We have been chosen.

The perfect tree.

- Just like the movie.

Come on.

It's beautiful.

I think you should
do the honors.

Wait, me?

No, this is your idea.

- You're the oldest.

Plus I gotta wiz
like Seabiscuit.

- Well, why don't you go
on one of these right here?

- And soil someone's Christmas?

- Yeah.
- I don't think so.

I'll be right back.

Are we
really doing this?

Chop chop.

- Okay.

Watch out.

- Hold it right there, bub.

That's it, reach for the sky.

Come on, unless you want 30
CCs of bear tranquiler STAT.

- You gotta be kidding me.

- I'm only gonna say this once,

lower your weapon.

I repeat, lower your weapon.

- Hey, who told you to
put your hands down?

- She did.

- If she told you
to jump off a cliff,

would you do that?

- No.

- Then why did you
lower your hands?

- What is going on here?

- That's what we wanna know.

- We're all ears.

- Yeah, why don't
you tell us what you

and pretty little lady
there are gonna do

with that fir tree?

Sorry, my partner
doesn't like it

when I refer to other
woman as pretty.

My fiance doesn't like it when
I refer to her as my partner.

- It's not as intimate,
wouldn't you agree?

- Yeah, totally, I get that.

- No one asked you, toots.

So shut your mouth, alright?

You're in enough
trouble as it is.

This particular species
is the preferred domicile

of the American cuckoo.

- Cute little guys.

- I know, the best.
- Yeah.

- So you better
hope your hubby here

has a permit for this evergreen

before he goes all
Paul Bunyan on it

or you'll be having a
blue, blue Christmas.

- That's right and
without a permit,

you won't be going
home for Christmas

and you count on that.

- Yeah, you'll be spending

the 12 days of
Christmas in a clink.

- Okay, we get it.

Give you the permit
or it's like, come,

you'll take us to
jail, jail, jail, jail.

- Hey, hey, hey.

You think this is funny?

That's a pretty good one.

Write that one down.

- I've already memorized it.

- Yeah, good.

- Now just give us the
permit, we'll be on our way.

- Listen, we don't have
an actual permit per say.

- Oh, that's what we
wanted to hear, pal.

Sorry.
- Okay, alright.

- 'Cause it's Santa Baby,
baby, it's cold out.

Come on, let's go.

- I have it.

I have it.

I have a permit.

I got it.

Sorry, I have the
permit, your honors.

That's it right there, sorry.

Just kinda riding dirty.

- It stinks but it checks out.

- Yeah, you better believe it.

- Yeah, now what's
with your nakedness?

- Oh, I'm sorry, is my
dress code in violation

of the national park?

- No, just a matter
of personal curiosity.

- Then I plead the fifth.

- You're within your rights.

- Thanks.

- Well, good luck
to you folks then

and good luck with the harvest.

Yeah, take care.

- And may Santa, maybe next
Christmas Santa Baby, uh.

No, good luck.

After you.

- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

Happy Hanukkah.

They were Jewish.

- Jake, why don't you
have any clothes on?

- I don't know actually.

I think it had something to
do with the time traveling.

Just when I come back,
it's super hot so just.

I full on just shed my layers.

Anyways, I wasn't planning
on time traveling today

or at all this weekend
but desperate times.

You know what I mean?

Luckily though, saved your
butts from going to jail.

He said he was gonna take
you and I believe it.

- Well thank you.

- Oh Clare, don't even.

Alright, Mac, you
wanna cut that down?

We'll just drag it.

I'm gonna go start
the snowmobile.

- Okay.
- Alright.

See you.

- Hey babe, can you make
me a gallon of sugar water?

I wanna make sure this tree
lives as long as possible.

Who you texting?

- I'm not texting anyone.

I'm looking up the
nearest mental institution

in case we need it.

- Well, I wish you'd stopped
doing that and help me.

You're not being
very Christmasy.

- Are we just gonna pretend
like everything is normal?

What happened out
there was probably one

of the most absurd
things that's happened

to me in a very, very long time.

- Yeah, it was weird.

It wasn't that weird.

Well I'm just saying.

In the context of the Jake I've
known for the last 24 hours,

it wasn't that weird.

- He disappeared to take a leak

and then came back half naked

claiming to have
gone back in time.

- Yeah, and this morning he
told me that his best friend

was Richard Nixon so what
should my frame of reference be?

- Okay, I can handle
some idle banter

about his historical fantasies,

but once he starts lying to us

and also lying to
law enforcement,

that's where I have a problem.

- Okay, park rangers,
not law enforcement.

There's a difference.

- I just don't understand why

you're not more
concerned about this.

- So he's a little
crazy, so what?

- So what, what if
he hurts himself?

What if he hurts us?

He could burn this
entire place down.

- With what, a acapella riff?

Come on, he's harmless.

- Okay, you don't know that.

- Relax, okay?

Did he hurt anyone?

Did he break any rules?

I think he's in danger in is
your ability to be a martyr.

- Okay, are you being
serious right now?

- Yeah, you know what, I am

because our whole marriage
all I've ever heard

you talk about is how hard
it is to not have a family,

about how there's this
void in your heart

that no one can understand.

You have your brother here.

And all you're doing
is looking for excuses

of how to get rid of him.

- He thinks he can time travel.

I don't need an excuse.

- Maybe he can.

- Okay, you need to stop it.

- I'm just saying, he
pulled a tree permit

out of his armpit
dated three days ago.

- That is not time
travel, Clare.

That is called picking
one up beforehand

so he can dupe
his sister-in-law.

Don't you see what he's doing?

- What?

Spreading Christmas cheer?

Being in a good mood?

Making me laugh for
the first time in,

I don't know, months.

I mean, you said you'd
give him a chance.

- Yeah, well, he is lying to us.

- You know what, maybe he is.

He might not be able
to visit the past,

but at least he knows how
to live in the present.

- Come on.

- What happened?

Did she burn herself
on the hot chocolate?

Did you burn yourself too?

I should take a
little try, right?

Fudge!

It is hot.

- Babe, can I come in?

- Can you just give
me a minute please?

- I'm sorry.

I overreacted, I'll change
my attitude, I promise.

I really need you to come
help me decorate the tree.

- I'm not ready to
talk to you right now.

Okay?

- Where's Clare Bear?

- She's taking a
rest in the room.

I say we should
start without her.

- Perfect, I got
the family ones.

- Hey, can you do me a favor?

- Yes.

- Can you just the rest
of the time we're here

just not talk about time travel?

- Well, that is a, I'm really.

- Just stop it.

- Alright, I'll stop.

You know I am.

- Now, got that out of the way.

Let's show Clare how we
decorate a Christmas tree.

- Yeah, Bernard bros style.

- Oh, ow.

It's in my eyes.

- That's never happened.

- Okay, now make
sure that it's pretty

and even and spaced around.

Now go around, keep going.

Okay, pretty side out.

Now hand it over to me.

- Coming at ya.

- Now we're stuck up there.

♪ I'm here to share a
little Christmas, too ♪

- Oh, you're stuck up.

- Good one, pal.

Thanks, dude.

- Hey, hold on,
move that over that.

Take a couple of these bad boys.

Actually I'll hand
'em to you, okay?

- Okay, we should
put them all over.

Yeah, it think
we should put them all over.

- Alright, I'm
getting kind of tired.

- Dad always hated these ones.

- Yeah, Dad was afraid of red.

The color red, he
was like a bull.

- In a china shop.

- Mm-hm.

Should we put any in
the back or the back is?

- Not a lot in the back.

This is the mainly
for the front.

Do you need any of these things?

♪ Red and green shine bright

- Maybe I do take
one of the bags.

♪ Waited all year to
get into the spirit ♪

- Are you just
throwing them up there?

- No, I got that.

I hung it up, it's perfect.

- Don't put that there.

Put that right here.

- Oh, that's a good idea.
♪ Everyone is merry

♪ and neighborhood's alive

I just all untangled all mine.

- You have smaller fingers.

- No, I don't.

♪ It won't be long until
we're headed to the new year ♪

♪ So turn on the
Christmas lights ♪

This is kinda fun.

- Yeah.

You have bigger hands
and smaller fingers.

♪ Everyone is singing
and everyone is merry ♪

♪ And the neighborhood's alive

- This is the devil.

- Saved the best for last.

- Oh yeah.

♪ Turn on the Christmas lights

Cool, dude.

- Oh yes, here we have the
classic clothespin Rudolph

with the sparkly
nose, the cottontail,

made by yours truly in 1988.

- That's awesome.

Oh yes, here we have
the creepy clown doll

painted by me in 1995 at
Granny and Papa's new house.

- Ah yeah, I remember that year.

You were quite adept with
the paintbrush even at 10.

- Oh, truly, truly.

- Truly, truly, truly.

Oh, remember this one?

I love that.

- This is my favorite one.

- Yeah, that was mine.

- This is not
yours, this is mine.

- No, that one's mine.

- Yours was yellow
and you ripped

the cord right off first day.

- Oh, that's true.

Dang, 2001.

That seems like yesterday.

- It seems like everyday.

- You wanna talk
about those dreams?

- How did you?

- Dude, don't be mad at her.

She worried about you.

And she's a blabber when
she's uncomfortable.

I do it too.

I think a lot of us do.

I had 'em too actually
for a long time.

Except in mine Dad was
always Dolph Lundgren

and Mom was always
that gelfling chick

from The Dark Crystal.

Which is weird, I haven't
watched that movie in forever.

But I finally learned
how to make 'em stop.

- How?

- I started time traveling.

Jake, we--

- I know, you told
me not say that.

I'm not suggesting
you time travel

'cause honestly I
don't think you could.

It's not inside your
body like it is for me,

but it wasn't really the time
traveling that made it stop.

It was just that I was
ready to face that reality

and face those problems head on.

That's when it stopped.

- Well, glad you figured it out.

'Cause I sure haven't.

- No, you haven't.

You're actually a
pretty hot mess.

I'm just kidding.

But you will figure it out.

I know you will.

And I have a present for
you that I think will help.

I was gonna wait
till Christmas time,

but I think it's overdue.

Okay, is this thing on?

How do you know if it's running?

- Just hold it steady.

There you go.

Hey bro, I know I didn't
get you anything awesome

for Christmas this
year, but since I got

this sweet new camera,

I thought I'd just make
you something instead.

This year is a tribute
to the B squared.

What's that, you say?

Well, I'm about to
break it down for you.

Double B, B squared,
best buds, buzzin' bros,

Bernard brothers, and the
best double B of 'em all

is my big brother, Mac attack.

Mac attack, Mac attack.

He's smart.

He knows more about history
than any dude I know.

B squared, he's probably reading

the encyclopedia right now, yo.

Mac attack, Mac attack.

He's tough, he broke his femur

when he was only two years old.

He learned to walk
in his body cast,

made his legs real strong.

B squared, break it down.

And let's not forget,
he's good with the ladies.

Maclain is the best brother

anyone could've ever
asked for on Christmas.

All you haters beware, beware

'cause we are the B squared.

I'm here with the lucky parents

of Maclain Stephenson Bernard.

What do you have to say

about this wonderful
son of yours, sir?

- Oh, well, shoot.

I haven't prepared anything.

Maclain is the type of son

that makes it easy to be a dad.

Maclain is a great boy and
soon he's gonna be a great man.

And I'm very proud
to be his father.

Was I good?

- Well, thanks, sir.

- Thank you.
- Well said.

And you, ma'am, what
do you have to add

to the remarks of your husband?

- Oh, okay, well everything
that you need to know

about Maclain can
be seen in his eyes.

That boy is true blue.

Loyal, caring, kind.

He does his best to
always do the right thing

even when it isn't easy.

He loves his family more than
anything else in the world.

- Yes he does.
- And he would do

anything for them.

Especially his mom.

- Whoa, wait,
wait, is that true?

- And I hope that he knows
how much we love him too.

Now back to you, Jake,
you handsome devil you.

- Very nice.

I wanted to give that
you earlier but...

You know.

I missed you.

- I missed you, too.

- An organic
brother hug in front

of a fully trimmed
Christmas tree?

- We did it.

- You can't get more
Christmasy than that.

- Or can you?

Mistletoe for to
try to have a kiss.

- Okay, you're
good, you're good.

Or you two.

- No, we're good.

- It looks great, you guys.

- Thank you.

- Except you forgot the star.

- No, I couldn't
find it anywhere.

- I looked too.

Very poorly but I
couldn't find it.

- Really, in the bins?

- No.

- I wonder if we
left up in the attic.

- Oh, I'll go get it.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

- Thank you, Jake.
- Don't be scared.

- Hey, we're in full
family mode right now.

It's pretty cool.

- I didn't see that coming.

- Neither did it.

Did you see this coming?

Mistletoe.

- Really?

- Kiss me.
- Okay, okay.

- Let's see, babies.

♪ If I was a star on the tree

♪ I will be hiding in a
bunch of this old thing ♪

♪ We got some rope
to do stuff for ♪

No way.

Oh yeah.

Double no way, ooh.

- Now this is my favorite
view of Christmas.

We got the tree, the stocking.

We got this view right here.

- Not bad, huh?

- No, not bad at all.

- Oh, yoohoo.

So, I did not find the star,

but I did find these cool
family Christmas videos.

- Yes, we should watch them.

- And I found this.

- Ew, no, put that away.

- It has been away, Clare.

It can not be away anymore.

- My gosh, Dad's old shotgun.

- You better believe it.

- Where'd you find this?

- It was upstairs under a
bunch of junk in the attic.

Let's go shoot sometimes.

- No.
- Yes.

- Absolutely not.

We are not shooting
a living thing.

- Oh, why?

We just cut down a living thing.

- Yeah, what's the difference?

- That's not the same thing.

- It is the same thing, Clare.

I'm sorry to tell you this,

but this is a family tradition.

It's called a Christmas hunt.

- Don't soil the
name of Christmas.

- Clare, it's a tradition.

Do you hate traditions?

- This time he's
telling the truth.

- Really, you too?

I can't believe you can
even hold that thing.

- Come on, it's not like we
ever actually shoot anything.

We just sit around on a
blanket, drink hot chocolate,

and we chat about lots of stuff.

- Like about feelings?

- No, Clare.

Please, it's
Christmas hunt time.

Now get your coats,
it's time to go.

- Okay.

Fine, but the only
reason I'm going

is because conversing
in this beautiful snow

sounds really fun.

- Fine.

- I'll make some hot chocolate.

- I'll go pee.

- I'll get the duck call.

Hello?

Maclain, John
McClane, Die Hard.

- Hello, who is this?

- Maclain, it's
me, Doctor Murphy.

Come on.

- Oh, hey Dr. Murphy, what
are you calling about?

- Maclain, your brother's
life may be in danger.

Listen to me if you
want him to live.

Schwarzenegger, right?

- Okay, I'm gonna hang up now.

- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

See, now Maclain, now
what I need not to do

is hang up on me because
I did a little research

and it occurred to me
that your brother's life

legitimately may be in danger.

Also, as a parallel track
to that, yours may be too.

- What do you mean?

- So after our last
conversation, Maclain,

I did a little digging
because I felt slightly

a yucky inside of myself, right?

So, what I discovered
after digging

is that maybe you shouldn't
reconnect with your brother

because he has a
long history of.

I can't whistle
and what I'm doing

is the fingers around
the temple thing

that they do, you know?

What I'm getting at is he's
straight up crazy, right?

He really is.

So he has psych history
that is longer than my.

I can't whistle.

I'm pointing downwards.

He has a history of depression.

- He's delusional
sure but depressed?

I don't think so.

- Depression can
often disguise itself

as many different things, right?

Take me for example.

You know me as the
life of the party.

However, I will tell you

that I'm often zipping
on Zoloft, right?

And you've never
called me out on it.

It happens.

He escaped from three
different mental institutions

and he made several
suicide attempts.

Most of them are drowning.

- How did I now know about this?

- Now, now, now,
now, it's just me,

but it occurred to me that
maybe you never cared to ask.

Maclain?

Hello?

Maclain?

- Yeah?

- Here's what I need you to do.

I need you to do
me a promise, okay?

I need you to not feed your
brother after midnight.

Wait, that's something else.

No, but still good advice.

What I need you to do, okay?

Is realize that this
brother of yours,

he can manipulate you into
thinking things are okay

and suddenly, wham.

- Wham what?

- I don't know what's
in your brother's brain.

'Cause the brains are
complicated things.

There's cerebellum and
the cerebral cortex

and we don't have a
MapQuest to the brain yet.

- Okay, well great.

Thanks a lot for the help.

- Oh, it's no bother at all.

This, this, this, this is
what us doctors do, you see?

And I'm a therapist,
I'm a hypnotherapist.

See, see.

You still there?

Virgin
mojito, Dr. Murphy?

- Thank you.

You will not be a
virgin mojito for long.

Not the straw, not the straw.

Straw's daddy's.

Probably a pretty
good spot up around here.

We just have
to find a clear spot.

Well, I
think we should go

to the spot we use to always go.

Yeah.

You guys
have to promise not

to shoot any cute things.

Everything
we're shooting at

gonna be maybe cute, right?

Yeah.

What about over here?

Yeah,
let's go down there.

I'm going down this way.
- We should go

around this way.

No, that's dangerous, Jake.
- No, there's a path.

Go this way.

There's
a path right here.

This is like
a nice, gentle path.

I think we
should go this way.

This is a
path if I ever saw.

Jake,
you're gonna fall.

He's
gonna do what he does.

I think I should
get to hold the gun

'cause I'm the one
wearing hunter's orange.

I'm gonna
take care of it, dude.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Well, I'm just saying I
know how to handle guns.

I'm a real man.

- Wow, it's really
easy this way.

- Hold on, I'm about there.

- This way's way faster.

- You beat us.
- Yeah.

- I think this looks good.

- I'm gonna kill
a thousand ducks.

- We gotta put the blanket down.

Put it right here,
this is the duck spot.

- I've never done this before.

It's so pretty out here.

- Very, very pretty.

- Very Christmasy.

- It's straight up
Christmas out here.

- Have to be quiet.

Are you serious?

- I have hair in my mouth.

- Okay.

There you go, there they are.

There you go, Donald.

Shoot one of 'em.

No,
they're too far away.

- I wanna do it then.

Just let me take the gun.

- Dude, I am gonna be
in charge of the gun.

You be in charge
of the duck call.

- Fine.

Just come on, give me the gun.

Give me one try.

- No, we haven't even, I
haven't even got a full try.

- You guys, how
long do you think

you could survive out here?

I mean, like you were stuck.

- Why do we have
to be all morbid?

- It's just a question.

- Yeah, I like it.

- Do I have a gun?

- No, no gun.

- That's about right.

- Mm-hm.

- Do I have a phone?

- Yeah, you can have
a phone but it's dead.

- Why would you
give him a phone?

What the point if it's dead?

- Because he's been
stuck out here.

- Why would you give
him a dead phone?

- It's just a game.

- Yeah.
- What's the point?

Why does he get a
phone if it's dead?

- Maclain, play or don't.

- Okay, you have a dead phone.

Good luck doing
something with that.

- I guess he wouldn't survive.

- He wouldn't, doesn't
sound like he'll survive.

- How many days?

- Fine, I'll play.

Do I have you?

- Yeah.
- Do I have you?

Okay,
that's really weird.

- That's not so weird.

I gotta know how
much food to get.

- Is that what you meant?

- Yeah, that's what I meant.

You weirdo.

- You probably meant
that I was dead and--

- Is Maclain dead
in this scenario?

- No, he's not dead but
you're out here alone.

All by yourself.

- Alright, well, this is will
answer your question, Clare.

I have all the water mother
nature's provided for us.

- Yeah, but he needs
to be melted or else--

- It will melt.

I have every pocket full
of thousands of licorice.

And I got a sweet rifle.

- Dude, dude.

- Oh my gosh!
- No, no.

- Oh my gosh.
- Why did you do that?

- How did I do that?

You did, you grabbed the gun.

This is all your fault.

- No, it was an
accident, I didn't.

It's a
male and a female.

- They were probably
married to each other.

- Let's just put 'em away.

Let's just bury 'em.
- Just cover 'em, bury 'em.

- Let some animal eat them.

- And no one will know.
- No, no, you know what?

You guys did this.

You murdered these birds

and now you're gonna bring
'em back to the cabin.

Come on, pick 'em up.

- I don't wanna touch these.

I am not eating these.

- Oh, yes, you darn well will.

We will use every
part of these buffalo.

Now gut it.

- They're such a beautiful pair.

- Can't we just go bury them
in an eternal grave of snow?

- Fine but if I hear
or see that gun again,

I will use it on
both of you idiots.

Understand?

Now get rid of 'em.

Goodbye little duckies.

For what we are
about to receive.

♪ Just a couple of ducks

♪ And they're flying by on
a starry Christmas day ♪

♪ They didn't know
what was happening ♪

♪ Then a shotgun
blasted them away ♪

♪ Now they're sleeping
forever in eternity ♪

♪ And ones in the
other one's arms ♪

♪ Don't worry, ducks

♪ You'll be alright

♪ Now you're out of harm

We'll burn you in the
spring, my friends.

- Why did you not tell me?

I would've never let him
anywhere near the gun.

- Well, I haven't had
a chance until now.

This is the first
time we've been alone.

- I knew he was a
trip but suicidal?

- I know, I know but that's
what Dr. Murphy said.

- You said he was a quack.

- Yeah, but you said he
was highly recommended so.

- Do you think I've
been nice enough?

Do you think he's
felt nurtured by me?

What do we do?

- I think the only thing we
can do is take him somewhere

where he can get
professional help.

I was looking up some
institutions earlier.

We can take him in tonight.

- On Christmas Eve?

Are you kidding?

No, no, what he needs right now

is to feel love and
supported by his family.

He needs to know that we
accept him for who he is.

Okay, and you need
to put on your boots

and go out there before
he jumps in the lake.

Hi, oh, what took you so long?

You were gone forever.

- I'm so sorry.

I was doing a funeral
service for the ducks.

I'm fine, it's not
too cold out there.

I could use an extra
couple blankets though

if you got it.

- Yeah, of course, of course.

- I'm glad you're okay, man.

- Thanks, brother.

- You think any wild animals
are gonna get the ducks?

- Definitely, I left them wide
open for foxes or whatever.

You guys are being
so nice to me.

- Well, we really
care about you.

I mean, I hope you know that.

- We really, really care.

- Yeah, I feel it, I do.

Just right.

Good.

- I got plenty more of these.

- That's okay.

- So, why don't you tell
us about one of your warps?

- Clare, I'm not allowed
to talk about that.

No, we're curious.

- Yeah, Jake, it's okay.

We wanna hear about them.

- Well, I don't know.

There's a lot of 'em.

I guess, there was this one time

that I was at Coachello.

- It's Coachella.

Or Co-achella.

It's just depending on who's.

I'm sorry, go on.

- I wondered off one
night into the desert

and I lost track of my body
temperature and fell asleep

and bam.

I woke up in the same desert

but it was millions
of years before.

I was in the dinosaur age.

Surrounded by little tiny
dinosaurs and bigger ones.

But the tiny ones
are the mean ones

and that's what
scientists don't know yet.

- So what did you do?

- Well, I pulled
out some licorice

and I fed it to the tiny ones.

And then the bigger
ones ate the tiny ones

while they were eating the
licorice and I skedaddled.

- So, how did you warp back?

- Well, Maclain, it was a desert
so it was hot all the time.

So, I did what any man could.

I waited.

- Until what?

- Well luckily there was an
ice age in about six months,

so that took care of that.

It also took care
of the dinosaurs.

- Oh good.

- I have a question.

I'm a little confused.

Most scientist believe
that the ice age

that killed the dinosaurs
took a lot longer

than six months.

- Well I didn't say the ice age.

I said.

A ice age.

- Oh well, then I
mean scientifically

that there was a lot of
ice ages so you're right.

- Yeah, I lived it.

What do you mean?

You don't believe me?

- No, of course, it's not
that I don't believe you.

I was just saying that
scientifically you are spot on.

- Thank you.

And it feels really
good to be validated.

Lots of times people
just say that I'm whack.

- You're not whack.

No, that's whack that
people think you're whack.

- Yeah.
- Right, Maclain?

- I mean, your, what you've
been through is yours.

And they're your experiences
and no one can take that away

what you have experienced.

- Thank you.

It feels really good to
have my brother believe me.

Oh fudge, is it 7:00?

- Why, what's the matter?

We have
to do the nativity.

- Why at 7:00?

- What, at 7:00 because
that's when Jesus was born.

- I don't think anyone
really knows when he was--

- Maclain, I...

- Should we get the costumes?

- Brother and sister, this for
your delectation and delight,

here is the nativity story
presented to you by me

as scene by me in real
life as it happened

in the flesh when it was
going on at the beginning,

my account, gospel
according to Jake.

It's also about an hour and
a half long so buckle up.

Clare, I need you
to play mother Mary.

Maclain, I have
other parts for you,

but they don't come
for a little while.

- Okay.

- Alright.

Clare.

For I bring you great
tiding of great joy.

Mary, I would like to marry you.

I'm Joseph of.

How did you get that
because we're not married

and people will
want to hurt you?

Joseph.

Ah, what is it?

You have not been with Mary,

but she is pregnant
and it is immaculate.

And she will have a
baby and he will be.

Take her to Bethlehem.

I had a dream.

- Mm-hm?

- And in that dream
I saw an angel.

Will you marry me?

- Yes.
- It's just for this play.

- Yes, Joseph, of course.

- Anyways, then they
when on a journey

and they needed a donkey.

Maclain, can you
help us be a donkey?

Yeah, come on, just like that.

There you go.

And Mary almost
fell off one time.

- Oh.

- You guys don't know that,

but Mary almost fell one time.

Rest here, Mary.

- Okay.

- And I will go
find an innkeeper.

Maclain.

And he did approach an innkeeper

and he said to the innkeeper.

He's said there's
no room at this inn.

- There's no room
at this end, but--

- Here, you can sit down.

Mary, did you know?

- What?
- That one day

your baby will be
born in a stable.

And then the shepherds
were out in the field.

They did have a a shepherd.

Sh, sheep.

One night the angels or
the shepherds were sleeping

in their fields.

Shh.

They woke up to a mighty angel.

The same one that
had come to Mary.

Shepherds, why are you lowing?

- Because we--

- You're just one of the sheep.

- Behold.

- You don't say behold.

Don't you guys see the star?

And the shepherds
looked up at the star.

Shh, shh, shh.

And they saw it and they said,

we see that star
and the angel said,

go to it for unto
to us this night

is born this Savior,
a city of Dagul.

Meanwhile, back at the manger,

she was having her baby.

Down, it's over there.

It's right down there.

And then pick it up
and put it on your lap

and then pretend
like you love it.

Oh, I love this baby.

- Yeah, don't tell
me, just show me.

And...

♪ Silent night, holy night

The star was born.

And Joseph said to Mary,
♪ All is calm

you did good.
♪ All is bright

The shepherds brought him gift
♪ Round yon virgin

♪ Mother and child
For the wisemens came

and this is gold.

♪ Holy infant
Don't put it on his stomach.

It will crush him.
♪ So tender and mild

And they brought him
this frankincense.

- Oh.

- Brought the gifts.
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace

And they brought him
this expensive blanket

all the way from orient.

Don't cover his face
or he will suffocate.

Amen.

That's the real story.

That's really how it happened.

Most of it was word for word.

I messed up on a
couple parts but.

And these pants have
this thing on there

that I did not do.

- Yeah, I know.

- And it's all sticky.

Like someone wiped a
cinnamon roll on it

or something after they
were eating with it.

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace

Hey Jake, wait.

You forgot these.

- Oh, thanks.

- Here you go, buddy.

- Thanks, buddy.

- Hey, that was a
really good show.

- Oh, that ole thing?

I'm been doing that for years.

- Well, it's really
a tearjerker.

- I can't wait till
you guys have kids

so I don't have to
do it all by myself.

You don't want kids?

- Oh, no, of course
we want kids.

We just, we can't.

At least not on our own.

- Well, I can't be right.

- Yeah, it's really sad.

I don't really know
how to tell people.

Things have been really
hard between Clare and I.

Maybe you should know.

It's weird at first sight.

I kinda resented her 'cause we
thought it was 'cause of her.

Then recently, they
think it might be me.

- Yeah, tell me this after
I make her baby Jesus' mom.

- No, that was fine.

It's just in the future though

definitely be careful about
mentioning kids or babies.

It's just I don't wanna
upset her, you know?

And it's hard enough as it is.

- Well, I feel like I
should tell you this.

Hey babe.

- Yeah?
- You coming to bed?

- Yeah, I'll be
right there, babe.

I should go.

- Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure.

- Merry Christmas, baby brother.

- Merry Christmas, B squared.

- Baby, babe.

- Hm?

- Wake up.

Hey.

No nightmares.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Aw babe.

- Okay, but your breath
is kinda like a nightmare.

- Merry Christmas to you, too.

It's Christmas.

- It's Christmas.

- Yes, finally.

Let's go wake up Jake.

- Okay, wait, wait, wait for me.

Oh my gosh.

- Jake!
- Can you wait?

It's Christmas!

Ho ho ho.

- Merry Christmas!

- Tickle, Christmas.
- Wake up, wake up.

- Christmas tickles.

Santa came!

- It's Christmas.
- Santa came.

You're gonna like this one.

I think you're really
gonna like this one.

- It's a puzzle.

- This is like one of the
most famous German castles.

- I know, I was there
when it was built.

- It's my favorite.

- Peppermint bark,
I'm not sharing.

Your jammies are getting
a little tattered.

- So are these jammies?

Why did you do that?

- No, don't tell him.

- No, I didn't, no.

Just open it.

- Sleep tight.

Oh my gosh.

Try it on, try it on.

- It looks great.
- Okay.

- Oh, very cute, I love it.

- The reindeer look
really realistic.

- Aw, slippers.

- Now your feet won't get cold.

- I gotta try 'em on.

They're very Christmasy.

Do you like 'em?

- Yes, I love 'em.

Hold on, don't peek.

- Sorry.

♪ Give the gift of
love this Christmas ♪

For me?

Yeah.

- Should I put it on?

Now you
don't have to use mine.

- Let me smell.

Oh better, much better.

- Thanks.

Thanks you guys, cool.

Okay, you
two sit right here.

Okay.

- You're peeking.
- Close your eyes!

- Okay.

I said close 'em.

- You're twins.
- Brother sweaters.

- We're Irish twins.

- What do you think?
- Very well, my good friend.

- I like these.

- Do they fit okay?

- My fits--
- Oh.

- We're being kinda rough.

- I'm just gonna leave
mine unbuttoned probably.

- Yeah, well, you
have a lot of layers.

- Thanks babe.

- This is the best
Christmas yet.

Aw, a scarf.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

- You sit right there.

Oh, an ornament.

- You made that when
you were a baby?

- Yeah.

Whoa.

This was from my mom.

She sent it from Chicago.

Oh, look.

- Clear it up.
- I think that's...

- Is that everything?
- I think that's about it.

- Oh wait, it's everything.

- What's this behind
the sled over here?

- What?

- Oh, there's one more Clare.

- I didn't see that one.

- And it says for me or Clare.

- Yeah, I think
it might be mine.

- Wait a minute.

For Mr. Jake.

- Oh.
- This is for me?

- Yeah.

- I already got
lots of presents.

- Well.
- You deserve more.

What could it be?

- Cool.

- What do you think?

- I love it, you guys.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

- We thought you'd
need a new one.

- I did, my old one
was super tattered.

- I think it's been a
pretty awesome Christmas.

- Well I have one for you guys.

Hold on.

What?

Yeah,
here, you sit there.

Okay.

And you sit there.

- You know you didn't
have to get us anything.

I know,
but I wanted to.

- Oh, that's where all
the toilet paper went.

- It's beautiful.
- Oh yeah.

We're out by the way.

It's for both of you,

but I think maybe
Clare should open it.

- Okay.

You know just you
being here is enough.

- I know, I know.

Just open the present.

- Okay.

It's in here somewhere.

- I see it.

- Oh, here we go.

There's something.

- Oh.

- What is it?

- You guys, I know Maclain said

that you probably
can't have kids

'cause his little guys don't
swim straight or whatever,

but those doctors are idiots.

You have a baby girl
and she's so sweet.

You name her Lucy.

- Excuse me.

- No, no Clare.

She's healthy and
you're healthy.

- What do you
think you're doing?

- Well, I'm just telling--

- What are you doing?

- Maclain, I'm telling you.

What are you telling me?

- What are you--

- I told you specifically
not to talk about that.

- Maclain, I just,
you have a baby

and she's happy and healthy.

- We can't have a baby, okay?

I told you that.

- I know, but I'm
telling you that's wrong.

You do have a baby, and you
don't have it through adoption.

You have it the
old fashioned way.

- You don't know that.

You haven't seen it.

Yes, I have.

- You can not time travel.

- You said you believed me.

- I don't believe you.

How can I believe you?

Everything you say is a lie.

- That's not true.

You're my brother.

- Okay, you think
you can time travel?

- Yeah.

- Why didn't you go back
and save mom and dad, huh?

Why did you let that happen?

Why didn't you save 'em?

- You can't change the past.

- Okay, yeah.

- You can only observe it.

- It's really convenient.

You just make up a rule
about how it works.

Okay, but it doesn't work
'cause you can't do it.

- Yes, I can.

- You need to stop telling
yourself that, okay?

'Cause it only hurts us.

I gotta go in there
now and deal with this.

So you need to pack up your crap

and when I get out here,
I am taking you somewhere

where you can get help

because I can't help you.

I can't help you.

- I, I'm...

Are you okay?

Just let your brother
pull you for a little bit.

- I'm so sorry.

I specifically told him
not to talk about that,

but doesn't matter,
he's packing his things.

I'm gonna take him somewhere.

He's not gonna bother us.

Is that fun?

What?

- What are you doing?

Should we do it again?

- You gotta just
stop protecting me.

- I'm your husband.

I'm suppose to do that.

- You think by protecting
me it doesn't hurt as much,

but actually you're
making it worse.

I know that you hide
the baby magazines,

and I know that you tell
my friends and my mom

to not mention anything that
could possibly remind me

of our situation.

But I need to deal with this.

Let me deal with this.

He has been nothing
but sweet to you.

He adores you.

And you just tell
him he's crazy.

You think that's helping?

You just...

Be his brother.

You okay?

Yeah.

- I think he needs another hug.

Can you come give him a hug?

- Goodbye snow.

Goodbye beautiful trees.

Beautiful duck blood.

Goodbye Maclain.

- Hey Jake.

Jake?

Jake?

Jake, did you go
up in the attic?

Jake!

Jake!

Jake!

Jake!

Jake, stop if you can.

Jake, where did you go?

Jake!

Come on, man.

I wanna talk.

Mommy.

- Are you okay?

Okay, we got down together.

You guys, we're gonna get you.

Jake!

Jake!

Jake, wait up.

- What?

- Wait up, Jake.

- Maclain.

- Wait up with you.

- Please, don't go.

Jake.

Jake, please, please.

Don't go.

Come home, please.

- I don't think
that's a good idea.

You said a lot of
mean stuff to me.

- I know, I was a real jerk.

But you're my brother and
I need you in my life.

- Well, I can't be in your
life if you don't believe me.

- I believe you, Jake.

I lost you once, I don't
wanna lose you again.

- Well, that's good

'cause I didn't really
wanna go anywhere anyway.

- Come here.

Jake, Jake!

Jake!

- It's cold.

- Hold on to me, I got you.

- No, it can't hold us.

- Jake.
- Mac, you gotta go.

- No, Jake.

I'm not gonna let go of you.

- You have to, you have to go.

- I'm not letting go of you.

I need you.

I'm not gonna let you go.

I can't.

- Mac, you can't
come with, okay?

You gotta go.

- I'm not, please.

- You said you believed me.

- I do.

- Then prove it.

♪ I'm just trying
to do that for you ♪

♪ Did the things
you wanted me to ♪

♪ To get by we gotta
stay together ♪

♪ Driving time is now or never

♪ It's now or never

♪ Now or never, now or never

♪ It's now or never

♪ Now or never

- No, Jake!

♪ It's now or never

Somebody help!

♪ It's now or never

♪ Now or never

♪ Time is fleeting

I brought you fresh
set of clothes

if you're ever back this way.

And merry Christmas.

It's some licorice in
case you get hungry.

Oh boy.

I don't know where
you are, brother,

or when you are but if
you're ever back this way,

I hope you stop by.

Anyway, I love ya.

And you were right.

She's beautiful.

Merry Christmas, bud.

What do you think?

Does it fit?

You like it?

- Hold it up a little bit.

Just a little.

Ah, there they are.

- Okay, very funny.

And thank you.

Glad you liked it.

- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

- Uh-oh, uh-oh,
somebody's awake.

Who's awake?

Who's awake?

- No, you can't
just get this wet.

- Here comes the Lucy.

Hi little cute cute.

Hi little cute cute.

Go see Momma.

- Hi, did you have a good nap?

Oh, I love you so much.

Did you have a fun nap?

- Love you little muffin.

I'll go get a bottle.

- I love you so much.

Merry Christmas, babe.

- Alright, hey babe,
can you maybe get

a little bit less
water in there for me?

Thank you.

Okay, oh wow, that's so nice.

Good job.

- Do you know what year it is?

- 2000 Z.