My Brother the Pig (1999) - full transcript

[music playing]

KATHY (VOICE OVER): Dear
dearest Jean Jacques,

I wrist this secret
letter to you

in hopes you find
it and rescue me.

I live in a city
lacking any [french].

I'm still under the rule
of my embarrassing parents

who just don't get it.

To my dismay, they've
hired a freakish college

student as our live-in nanny.

Yes, Jean, I'm 13 and
still have a nanny.

To make matters
worse, I'm forced



to live with a horrible
creatures they call my brother.

The idea that we share
the same bathroom

and eat from the
same dishes is, quite

frankly, more than I can bear.

Please, Jean Jacques,
I need your help.

I yearn for spring time in
Paris, au revoire, Kathy.

PS, the key is
under the doormat.

[music playing]

-Jean Jacques,
stop, that tickles.

-Eight, seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one--

[screaming]

-Bingo!

-Dad!

Dad!



Dad!

[yelling]

-Get it off!

Get it off!

Kill it!

Kill it!

[yelling]

-Get it off!

Come on Dad!

Kill it!

-OK!

OK!

-Richard!

Get it!

[screaming]

-Did you get it!

-I got it!

Oh!

[screaming]

-What does a guy have
to do around here

to get some peace and quiet?

[knocking]

KATHY: Go away.

-I think these Eiffel
legs are yours.

-That's not funny.

I hate him.

-Oh, come on.

You don't mean that.

-Yes, I do.

-You might hate him right now.

But it'll pass.

-Nope, no, I still hate him.

-Hey, you have to
remember who's older here.

George annoys you
because he loves you.

-Haven't I had enough
trauma for one morning?

-Honey, he just
wants your attention.

-Yeah, well I don't want his.

I don't care if I
never seen him again.

-Do you remember when
your mother and I

brought George home
from the hospital?

-I try to forget painfully
traumatic moments.

-You made Nana pull the dining
room chair on to the front lawn

at daybreak just so
you wouldn't miss us

around the corner
on our way home.

We didn't pull up
until four o'clock.

You sat on that
chair the whole day.

But you should have seen the
look of pure joy on your face

when you saw your baby brother.

It was almost as wonderful to
see your reaction as it was

to see George for
the first time.

Remember?

-It was like a
million years ago.

-It was like eight years.

-Yeah, but he's--

-And I need you to
remember how much

he's changed since
he was a baby.

And he's going to
continue to change.

And so will you.

But you're always going
to be his big sister.

He's always going
to look up to you.

He's always going to need you
to be there, even when he's 42.

I'm counting on you.

Do you think you can sleep?

-Do you think you could keep
the vermin out of my room?

-I love you.

-Dad?

-Yes.

-Maybe you and Mom brought home
the wrong baby from hospital.

And I would agree to
help pay for the DNA

testing to prove it.

I would.

-Well, I'm glad I
got through to you.

-I've got the umbrella
honey, what's next?

-Sun block and vitamins.

MOM: Oh, OK.
Where's the sun block?

Found it.

Here's the vitamins, too.

What's next?

-Masking-- masking tape?

What in the world do we need
masking tape on the trip for?

-Has anyone seen
the masking tape?

-Nope.

-It's on the counter right
by George, Mrs. Caldwell.

-Thank you.

-Hey, George, did you know
they make travel Band-Aids.

They even come in their
own little suitcase.

-Matilda, you don't
have to do that.

No, I like to help.

-How you do it, I don't
know, studying all night,

taking care of the kids,
taking care of the house,

it's amazing.

-You pay her.

That's why she does it.

-Good morning , Sweet Pea.

-Good morning.

-Hello, Kathy, isn't
it a beautiful morning?

-Does it look like
I've been outside yet?

-Sleep well?

-Dad?

Mom, did you hear
what he said to me?

-George, step annoying
your sister, please.

-After this morning,
you're dancing

on very thin ice, very thin.

-Matilda, can you
make sure the children

have something resembling
a green vegetable

and some protein now and then.

-No, it's OK.

We'll just starve while
you're in France trotting

with a gorgeous plow
boy whipping the horses.

-I didn't see anything
in the brochure

about gorgeous plow boys.

-You know, this is not
a family-style vacation.

Your father and I haven't had
a romantic getaway since, what?

Before you were born.

And we need a little
adult stimulation.

-Are you trying
to make me vomit?

-Look, I promise next time
we'll take you with us.

-Where?

To SeaWorld?

I can't take another whale.

-So where are you guys doing?

-Who invited you in?

-Hello, Freud, remember,
we're going to France

and touring the majestic
wine country on bicycle

and saying in romantic
chateaus and seeing places

most tourists never
get the chance to see.

-Scorpion death drop!

-Ah!

-Male bonding, Mrs. Caldwell!

-Well, I'm headed
to the library.

So I will see you later.

-Bye.

-Thanks,

-Bye.

-Ah!

-All right, everyone,
while we're away,

Matilda is in charge,
even you, Freud.

Right, Kathy?

-Mom!

I can't take her!

She's like a mutation between
Mother Teresa and Mary Poppins.

[phone ringing]

-I got it!

I got it!

-Hello?

KIMBERLY: Hi, is Kathy there?

-Yeah, may I ask who's calling?

KIMBERLY: Tell her
it's Kimberly Woodry.

-It's Kimberly Woodry,
would you like to take it?

-Yes!

-OK!

OK!

-Hello?

KIMBERLY: Hi, Kathy,
it's Kimberly.

-Hi.

KIMBERLY: Hey, I'm having a
party next Saturday night.

-A party?

KIMBERLY: For my best friends.

-Yeah, yeah, no, I'd
love to come, yeah.

KIMBERLY: Oh,
you're not invited.

I just wanted to make sure you
leave us a few gallons of ice

cream next time you go
grazing at the market.

-Oh, sure.

KIMBERLY: See ya!

-Bye.

-A party?

See, you're going to have a
great time while we're gone.

Isn't she boys?

Yeah, see?

CD VOICE: Lesson three, travel.

Do you have a roadmap?

-[french].

-Hey.

-Get it off me!

-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Kathy, I
didn't mean to scare you.

-Don't you knock?

-I'm sorry.

-Yes?

-Kathy, your Mom and Dad went
to go find traveler's checks.

And I have to go run to Kinko's,
and make all these copies.

So I was wondering
if you could please,

please watch George
and Freud for me?

I would really appreciate it.

-Fine.

-Great, thanks.

CD VOICE: How do I get
to Paris from here?

-[french].

-Jean Jacques, life here
in the States is miserable.

No one understands me.

I'm forced to live with
a life-sized Barbie.

And I have to deal with this
fat cow-- not cow, pig--

that my mother named George.

[music playing]

-Coast is clear.

-Maybe I should go home to
my own dysfunctional family.

-Get over here you DPW.

Let's do it.

-OK.

[laughter]

-Oh, no, no, Jean,
you don't mean moi?

You do?

[french]

Oh, Jean Jacques,
but you are married.

-Come on, George!

More candy!

Let's go!

[music playing]

[laughter]

[music playing]

-Behold the frozen thing!

[shriek]

-What happened here?

-Don't look at me.

-George?

Freud?

-You guys are in deep trouble.

-So you have fun at Kinko's?

-Ah, no, that is not
going to work, George.

Freud, I think it's
time you go home.

-I was just catching up on
the energy of the moment.

And, well, we all have
our animal instincts.

And, you know, George just kind
of pulled me down to my id.

-How old are you?

You're a little freak
of nature, aren't you?

-Thanks, Freud.

-Good bye, Freud.

-Sorry.

-George, I want you
to pick up everything

from this kitchen floor.

And TGIF is canceled
tonight, OK?

Now, I'm going to
go back to my room.

I'm going to change
and put my books away.

And I will be right back.

-Matilda, I really didn't
mean for this to happen.

It's just all of a
sudden, the kitchen was--

-Sure, George, fine, we
just have to fix it now.

-Wait a minute.

That's all you're going to do?

Aren't you going to yell at him!

Matilda!

This is a disaster!

Look at what the little pig did!

Come on!

She is so weird.

-She is not!

-Yes, she is!

That pleasant smile like
nothing is ever wrong.

And that hair, uh, whatever.

Don't look so ecstatic,
you little geek.

You're still in deep shit.

-Oo, I'm so scared!

I'm gonna cry!

-Give it up.

You know what?

I want concrete evidence,
just in case by some miracle

this is all cleaned up by the
time Mom and Dad get home.

-OK, go ahead, what do you
think's going to really happen?

-Oh, just you wait
and see what happens.

-Please!

I can only hold a
smile for so long.

-Shut up.

Say cheese you little rat.

-Cheese!

-Mom, look at what he did!

-Honey, those are
really neat pictures.

-Dad!

A crime's been committed,
and the guilty has gone free!

-OK!

George, no Nintendo
for 24 hours.

Uh, no gum from three days!

-Dad!

-Don't put your
shoes on the couch!

-Come on!

Come on! we got to get going!

-This is so unfair!

One of the biggest disasters
of all time, and he's

going to go unpunished!

-Goodbye, my little pumpkin.

I love you!

-Behave yourself, Georgey.

We love you.

-Unbelievable!

-Goodbye, sweetheart.

Take care of your brother.

I love you.

-We're counting on you.

MATILDA: We're going
to miss the flight!

Let's go!

-OK!

Later Freud.

-We'll call you from France!

Good luck!

-We love you!

Au revoire!

Listen to your sister, George.

-Listen to your sister, George.

You hear that George?

George?

[laughter]

-Au revoire.

-Matilda, can you tell George
to please shut up so that I can

look for what Leos
look for in a woman?

-So you guys still
aren't speaking, are you?

You know, this
makes it day nine.

When your parents
called last night,

they said to make sure you
guys are getting along.

I mean, I just don't know how
long this verbal fast can last.

-Until Mom and Dad get home.

-Oh, so I can look forward
to your colorful repertoire

in four days, then?

-If at all.

-Santa Guadalupe!

Oh!

George, is this yours?

-Oh my God!

-Ew!

Gross!

-My frozen thing!

You found my frozen thing!

Thank you, thank you, Matilda!

Freud is going to freak!

I've been worried for so
long about my frozen thing.

-You idiot!

Where else would your frozen
thing be but in the freezer?

That's why it's
called a frozen thing.

Is it a boiled thing?

No.

Is it a microwaved thing?

No.

Is it a baked thing?

No.

It's a frozen
thing, F-R-O-Z-E-N,

frozen, frozen, frozen.

-I'm going to go call Freud.

-You go do that.

And don't let your
sister get to you.

-OK.

-Now, I'm going to go outside.

And I'm going to be gardening.

So if anybody needs me,
that's where I'll be.

OK?

-OK.

-OK?

OK.

-Matilda?

-Yeah.

-Um, thank you for
finding my frozen thing.

I kind of forgot where I put it.

-You're welcome, George.

Don't mention it.

-Hi, Freud.

Get over here ASAP!

-That's going to make
you sick, you know?

Ah, why don't you just go in?

It's the only room you
haven't demolished.

-Mom says it's
Matilda's private space.

-Like that's stopped you before!

Come on.

Go in!

I bet she's got a lot of neat
stuff for you to destroy.

I know you're just
dying to go in there.

Go on.

Go in.

Do it.

-It's not my room.

-Go on.

Go in!

Mess it up!

Jump on the bed!

Spit on the pillow!

Victory!

[zapping]

[explosion]

[snorting]

[gasp]

-George, what did you burn now?

-Matilda!

Where did that come from?

-Whoa!

Where'd you get the pig?

-Matilda, if this
goes to the bathroom,

I am not cleaning it up.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Say, I think he likes me.

-George!

George!

-George?

[gasp]

-George!

You're gonna miss the pig!

I'll go find him.

George!

George!

-That was weird.

[gasping]

-George?

George?

Where are you?

George!

[panting]

-George?

George?

You under here?

What a pig!

Hey, the pig followed me.

Hey pig.

-Listen to me.

I'm telling you,
I'm dead serious.

The pig is George.

George is the pig.

[grunting]

-Oink!

Oink!

-Give it up.

-You're in the Nile!

-It's denial.

And no, I'm not.

-I'm telling you the truth.

I swear to God!

Kathy, look, I
know it's not easy

for you to understand this.

But please try and
see that is George.

[grunt]

-I have an idea.

Have an idea.

George, if this is
you, please show

me where I keep the lunch bags.

[grunting]

-See?

-Smooth move.

-How long did you practice to
get that stupid side of bacon

to do it?

-I got it!

-Kathy, tell George to go
get anything from his room.

And he'll bring it back.

And then you'll
know it's George.

-This is so stupid.

I can't--

-Just do it!

-George, go get
your favorite thing.

[squealing]

-See!

-George?

What's going on?

-I believe she's
starting to accept

the reality of the situation.

-I'm waiting.

-OK, you see, almost forever,
the women in my family

have been the keepers
of the animal spirits.

See, each and every one
of us has this little part

inside of us like
a parallel soul.

Most of us can't even see
or feel, but it's there.

And sometimes we
go all our lives

without ever knowing
our animal half.

And well, George is-- George
just happens to be a pig.

-So if this is
George's animal spirit,

what the hell happened
to George's body?

-He, um, he's sitting
right next to you.

-Shut up!

-OK, well, see what I think
happened is somehow George

was transformed or replaced into
the physical spirit of the pig.

-You think?

Don't you know?

What the hell happened?

-Remember that frozen thing?

Somehow the frozen thing
affected, it altered,

it changed, it did
something to the animal

stones of my grandmother.

So this changed George,
changed his physical being.

It incarnated it into
the spirit of the pig!

-Excuse me, but how
do dolls and stones

turn my brother into
a slobbering sow?

-Listen to her.

-This this some crazy lie?

-No!

No!

It's no lie!

-And that's my brother, the pig.

-George!

That's George!

-What did the women
in your family

do the last time this happened?

-Uh, Kathy, it actually
hasn't happened in a while.

-A while?

-A while.

-10 years?

20 years?

30?

40?

50 years?

-Uh oh.

-80?

100 years!

-Are we talking
Tyrannosaurus Rex?

-Shut up!

When?

-Roughly 500 to
600 years ago when

my ancestors lived in
a town called Tecoco.

-Wow, we are talking
Tyrannosaurus Rex.

-So when this
incident happened, how

did they change the
person back into a human?

-I don't know!

I wasn't there!

-Who knows?

-My grandmother Berta knows!

-Where does she live?

-She live far,
far, far, far away.

-Far away?

What is that, a new country?

Where?

-Outside Mexico City,
where I grew up.

-Call her!

-I can't.

She doesn't have a phone.

-Who doesn't have a phone?

-Berta.

-Can she change George
back into the animal

he was before whatever happened
happened so I won't be grounded

by my parents for the
rest of my natural life?

-I guess so.

-You guess so?

-I know so.

I know so.

I know so.

-Pack up!

We're going to Mexico.

-Let's go!

-Out of the car.

-Oh, come on, Freud.

I'm so sorry, but you
can't come with us, OK?

[grunting]

-Yeah, you see, you need me.

I'm going to be
George's translator.

-Out!

-What were your parents say?

They would be
worried sick for you.

-No problem, we
agreed that I needed

a little child
parent separation.

They said as soon as my
Independence became too much,

I could go right home.

-You're joking, right?

-You've met his parents.

-OK.

-Hey, Kathy, think you're
going to get in trouble?

-I'm not going to
get into trouble

because we're
going to die first.

I turned my brother
into a pork chop.

I've kidnapped my neighbor's
child, stolen my mother's car.

And now I'm driving to
Mexico to see if my nanny's

Aztec grandmother might be
able to turn my brother back

into the monster he once was.

Am I going to get into trouble?

Am I going to get into trouble?

[music playing]

[phone ringing]

-No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

-What's going on?

-Can somebody please
answer that, pleast?

-Who could it be?

The only people who call
Mom's car are in Mom's car.

-Except your Mom and Dad.

-Freud!

-It keeps on ringing.

There's nobody there.

-Just let it ring.

[phone ringing]

-Don't look at me!

I'm not picking it up.

-Hello?

Oh, Mr. Caldwell!

Hi!

Yep, everyone is right
here, right here.

-How's everyone doing?

What are you all up to?

-Well, actually, we're--
I'm taking the kids to--

-SeaWorld!

-Disneyland!

-To SeaWorld for a treat.

-Wow, that sounds like fun.

Can I talk to one of the kids?

She's taking them to SeaWorld.

-Kathy hates whales!

Ow!

MR. CALDWELL: Can I
speak to one of the kids.

-OK.

-I'm not talking-- Dad?

Hi, yeah, I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

Everyone's fine.

George and Freud are fine.

How's France?

-Well, we biked 44
kilograms today.

And we're seeing
places most tourists

never get the chance to see.

You'd be proud of
your mother, though.

She's-- she's a real trooper,
even with a broken toe.

Look, we're going to be
in Paris in a few days.

And then we'll be home.

I don't if we'll get a
chance to call again, though.

-Ask if George is behaving, too.

-Your mother wants to know if
George is on his good behavior.

-Dad, you know, George has just
been fantastic the whole time.

[grunting]

-Not a word out of
him the whole trip.

[grunting]

-Can I say hello to him?

-Uh, uh, you know what, Dad?

You're breaking up.

And I can't hear you!

-What?

Oh-- well, OK, look,
honey have a great time.

We love you!

Let me say goodbye to George.

-Oops!
There it goes!

Bye!

-Wha-- oh.

Their battery went dead.

-Shoot, I wanted to say hello.

-Zip, zip!

Only 12 more kilometers
and we reach the hostel.

-Zip, zip!

-Zip, zip!.

-Hostel, doesn't quite have the
same ring as chateau, does it?

Hostel!

Chateau, chateau.

Hostel!

No!

-I can't feel my big toe.

-How far is 12 kilos anyway?

12 miles?

112 miles?

8,000 miles?

[music playing]

-Aye dos mio!

-Freud!

Freud, hide George now?

-How?

He's big.

-Uh, just use this.

Use this!

Use this!

-Good, get down.

Come on.

George, let's go.

-Buenos dias, senor.

[speaking spanish]

-Well, I'm taking
these children to see

their parents in Rosalito.

-They trust you with their
children and their car?

-Of course they do.

Why wouldn't they?

-Hi, nice to meet you.

I love tacos.

-Yeah.

-Who's that?

-Her sister!

-His brother!

-My sister!

-My twin!

-You I senor, they come from
a very, very big huge family.

[speaking spanish]

-What's wrong with him?

-With him?

Oh, no, oh, he's sleeping.

-He was very excited
about the anticipation

of overseas travel.

I mean, it's quite common.

-And, you see, my father was
promoted to LAPD Police Captain

last night at this
huge ceremony.

-Huge!

-The mayor was there.

-I though you said their
parents were in Rosalito?

-You know, senor--

[honking]

[yelling]

-Listen to me.

We're in my country.

I know this language.

Please zip your lip and let me
do the talking, please, Kathy.

-Welcome to Mexico.

-Andele!

-Pronto!

-Gracias!

-Pronto!

-Adios!

[music playing]

[grunting]

-George wants to know when
we're going to be there.

-Not too long.

-I think you can
turn the radio off.

We've been listening to this
song for the past 200 miles.

-I have an idea.

-Oh no.

-Let us sing.

Come on!

I need to wake up.

-Someone save me.

First she's a nanny, then
a straight A student.

Now she's Gloria Estefan.

[grunting]

-Great green globs of
greasy, grimy gopher guts,

mutilated monkey meat,
little dirty birdie feet.

-Freud, I'm going to kill you.

-Rolling in a bowl of snot!

That's what I had for lunch.

-I'm going to kill you!

-Then what else are
we going to sing?

-Anything but that, and Kumbaya.

-Oh!

I love that song!

[grunting]

-What?

All right, at George's
request, I will start.

(SINGING) Old McDonald
had a farm, e-i-e-o.

And on that farm he
had a pig, e-i-e-o.

With a--
[grunting]

-Here.

And a--

[grunting]

-There.

Here a, there a, everywhere a--

[grunting]

-Old McDonald had
a farm, e-i-e-o!

-And on that farm he
had a cow, e-i-e-o.

[music playing]

-Well, we made it.

We're in Agua Caliente.

-You're telling me.

What's wrong?

-It's just hard to
go home sometimes.

-That's OK.

You've got a right
to feel that way.

[music playing]

-Hi!

MR. CALDWELL: Welcome the
new love of our lives,

the apple of our eye,
your new baby brother.

-You want to hold
him, sweetheart?

Go ahead.

You can't break him.

-You're going to be the best
sister in the whole wide world.

Heck, you're going
to be the best

sister in the whole
wide universe.

[laughter]

-I'm counting on you.

-What have you done!

-It's not my fault!

[grunting]

[groaning]

-Kathy, wake up?

-Ah!

No!

-You're OK.

It's just a dream.

-Where's George?

-This is my grandmother Berta.

-Ah!

[speaking spanish]

-OK, all right, OK, get up.

Get up.

We're sleeping on our asses.

And they're deciding our
future in Spanish, OK.

We're going to turn George
back into a boy now.

[speaking spanish]

-Wow.

-Buenos dias.

-Where did that come from?

-Sesame Street.

-Did Elmo teach you
how to say, let's

turn George back into a boy?

-Kathy, Berta and I
are working on it.

We just have to give
her a little time, OK?

[farting]

-George!

-Ay!

-You've got to be kidding me.

There is no way.

-Come on!

It'll be fun!

I used to love this
when I was little!

-What's wrong?

Too hot?

-No!

It's refreshing!

-You can go first.

I don't mean to
hurt your feelings,

but you do smell like a pig.

-Good!

You're next!

[grunting]

-George!

Get out of here!

-George!

-Don't worry, I think pigs can
only see in black and white.

[grunting]

-OK, I don't waste
any more time.

Let's get my brother
changed back into a boy.

Hello?

Earth to Matilda!

When is your grandma
going to fix my brother?

[speaking spanish]

-What?

She can do it, can't she?

-Of course she can.

Tomorrow night when
the moon is full,

she will probably be able to.

-Tomorrow night?

Probably?

Matilda!

You told us she
could fix my brother!

-She has gather everything
before tomorrow night, Kathy.

She has to gather all the
ingredients for the Panajo.

-The what?

-The Panajo.

It's kind of like
a magic soup that

will help transform
George back into a boy.

-Oh my God!

Our frozen thing must have
been just like the pinkako!

-Panajo, Freud.

-Panajo.

-And tomorrow night, we'll take
George to La Montana Coyote.

So when the full moon fills
the whole in the mountain,

that is when the coyote speaks.

-Magic soup?

Coyote Mountain?

-Coyote.

-Matilda!

You told us she could
make George George again!

And if you haven't
noticed, he's still

a ham waiting to be baked.

You are a liar!

[grunting]

-Back off, flat nose.

I am not in the mood.

You know what?

I'm not going to take
the blame for this one!

I don't need a
Polaroid this time!

I have a pig!

So get out your broom and
your dust pan, Cinderella,

because this is one mess
I'm not going to clean up.

Oh, and by the way,
your food sucks!

-Uh oh.

-Sucks?

-Excuse me!

Don't you ever talk like that
to me or my grandmother that way

again.

Kathy, nothing like this has
ever happened to me before.

And I didn't want to
lie to you and tell you

something could happen
with it might not.

Look at yourself.

You care more about yourself
getting into trouble than you

do about your own
little brother.

[grunting]

-And by the way,
never call me a liar

because I have way too
much dignity to take that

from a self-centered
little snot like yourself.

-Yes!

[grunting]

-I hate you.

You are going to be
in so much trouble.

My parents are going to
sue you for everything

that you've done.

OK?

Yeah.

-OK, Freud, as soon
as we're done here,

we'll go pick up Kathy, OK?

-Do we have to?

-Come on.

I know, OK?

But underneath that
hard shell of hers

is a very, very nice girl.

I promise.

[music playing]

[speaking spanish]

-Are you somebody's brother?

Excuse me?

Do you know where a bathroom is?

-Mhm.

-No, no, I want a bathroom.

-Mhm.

-I don't suppose you
know where a bathroom is?

Predictable.

-Don't worry, Matilda.

This was good for Kathy.

She needed some time
alone to vent her steam.

Plus she was being a real DPW.

[grunting]

-George agrees.

-You know, Freud, now that
Kath isn't here, what is a DPW?

-You don't want to know.

-Yes I do.

-Should I tell her?

[grunting]

-Come on.

Let's tell her.

-OK, you know, maybe
I don't want to know.

-I'm telling her once.

I know this childish
and some what revolting.

-That's OK.

-But DPW stands for--
for dehydrated poop worm.

-Dehydrated poop worm?

Ay!

That's disgusting.

-Told you.

[grunting]

[laughter]

-OK, what's so funny?

-Uh, well, nothing
my sister just

thinks you look like
that girl on "Friends."

-You watch "Friends"
and you speak English?

-Sure, we have a dish.

-You name it, we get it, MTV,
CNN, HBO, Showtime, Disney,

TNT, E!, VH1, A&E,
Discovery Channel, TNN, ABC,

and the Playboy channel if
the weather is just right.

-You definitely
speak my language.

Do you know where a bathroom is?

-You can use ours.

I live two doors down.

I'm Mercedes and this
is my sister Annie.

-Hi.

-Hi, you have no idea
how badly I have to pee.

-Come on, then.

-You really think I look
like girl on "Friends"?

Which one?

-Rachel.

-Oh, I think I
just wet my pants!

[giggling]

[grunting]

-Wow!

I've never seen this
town so crowded before.

-This is crowded?

-All right, let's just
get the ingredients

and let's get out
of here, all right?

-All right.

-Si, adios.

Buenos dias.

[laughter]

-I think they know each other.

[speaking spanish]

-Hola!

Is this Hallmark Moment
available in English?

-Oh, Freud, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Freud, George, this is my
brother, my big brother Louis.

-Do you need to sit down?

-No.

-So what's with the pig?

-Well, that's where this gets
a little complicated, Louis.

-Tell me again.

-You look like
Rachel on "Friends."

TV: Once again, the
hottest fashion statement

this season is the aqua
blue underwater Swatch.

-Oh my God!

You're wearing that watch!

-Yeah, I got it at a
mall like two years ago.

-You are so cool.

You knew about it before anyone.

-I guess so.

-What's your favorite color?

-Do you like dresses or pants?

-Do you know anything
about makeup?

-Red, pants, let me tell you
a thing or two about makeup.

-That's incredible!

You have it, Abuela,
Mama, and you!

-Oh no I don't!

This was Freud's frozen thing.

It was just a fluke.

And they were Mama's crystals!

-Um, I hate to break up this
very productive session.

But it's kind of getting late.

-Oh my God!

Kathy!

-Oh, his sister.

-Is she a pig?

-More like a manatee.

[grunting]

-Hey, can you go look for Kathy?

-Oh, forget it.

-Oh, come on.

This place is tiny.

It's smaller than our
neighborhood at home.

Thus, this is a really good time
for us to express our maturity,

and wet our feet
in the real world.

-"Sesame Street"?

-"All My Children."

-They'll be fine.

-Ay, OK, but listen to me.

Only look for Kathy
around this plaza.

You got it?

-All right.

-Understand?

George?

-They'll be fine.

This isn't LA.

-Freud?

If you find her, you
meet me back here, OK?

-All right.

-And listen.

Listen to me.

Everything's going
to be OK, all right?

It's going to be fine.

-OK.

-And I love you, OK?

Both you guys?

And tell her I'm sorry.

-OK, all right, just relax.

Everything's going to be fine.

Just release.

-OK.

-Now, on the runway, you
can never use enough blush.

Look up.

It's all about finding
your look and working it.

-I totally agree.

I tried to tell my Mom that, but
she still picks out my clothes.

-Not. that Is a huge
problem, huh girls?

-Kathy!

Kathy!

[grunting]

-Kathy?

Hey, George, I think I see her.

Kathy!

Finally!

-Excuse me?

Hey, you're not on our bus.

-Oh, sorry, I thought
you were his sister.

-Gee, thanks.

-Oh, no, I mean, I though
you were my sister's friend.

The pig is just my pet.

-Strange pet.

-What are you doing here?

-My parents brought me here for
my high school graduation trip.

But really it's their trip.

-Honey!

Look at that darling pig!

Get a picture!

He's so cute!

-Hola, can we take a picture?

-He speaks English.

-No way!

[grunting]

-Ah, well, it'll set
you back two bucks.

-Get him down to a buck!

These people bargain.

-Mom!

-Well, for two bucks, he'll
add two numbers of choice.

-Deal!

Say sausage!

[grunting]

-OK, what's one plus one?

-Oh, come on.

A kindergartner can do that.

Give him a harder one.

-OK, what's one times two?

[grunting]

-Wow are you sure he's
not radio controlled?

-Give him an extra buck!

-That's pretty good, kid.

Hey, you guys, you
got to see this!

-What's her name?

-Kathy.

[music playing]

[grunting]

-Thanks.

-That a boy!

[grunting]

-Yeah!

-No mas!

-Thanks!

You were the best
of my whole trip.

-No mas, no mas.

[grunting]

-Shut up!

I don't have a girlfriend!

-Sea urchin, sea
urchin, here we go!

-I wonder where those kids are.

[grunting]

-Freud!

[grunting]

-George!

Wait up!

George!

Come on!

George?

-Ah!

Oh, man.

[grunting]

-George!

George?

[screaming]

-Oh no!

-What is it?

-They're taking Mom's joy!

-What's Mom's joy?

-Dee-dee's car!

-Who's Dee-dee?

-Wait!

Wait!

Come back here!

-Do you want me to go after it?

-No!

No, you have to
finish that list.

I'm going to go get the
car, and I'll be back.

-But--

-No!

Please keep an eye
out for the kids!

I'll be right back!

-Matilda!

All right, Freud, calm down.

Think it through.

Just like Dad says,
think it through.

Make a minority list.

What are my minorities?

One, find George.

Two, find Kathy.

Three, get back to Berta's.

Great.

Oh!

[animal sounds]

-George?

George!

Where are you?

George?

[animal sounds]

-Ah!

George!

George?

Are you in here?

George!

George?

Are you in there?

[grunting]

[speaking spanish]

-George, if you're in there,
be quiet, and stay safe.

Things got a little
screwed up out here.

And I ended up alone.

But don't worry, I'm not
really that frightened.

So be brave.

And I'll be back.

-Find Kathy.

All right.

[speaking spanish]

[shriek]

[speaking spanish]

-And what's really
cool about Paris,

you guys, is that all
the men understand women.

Like, when you give
them this look,

you know, like, they get that.

It's incredible.

And, like, all the people
there are artists, and chefs,

and they speak the
language of love.

-Kathy, have you
ever been there?

-Well, not physically, but I
do plan to go to college there.

You know, in Paris,
city of lights.

-I wish we could go with you.

-Yeah, I know, met too.

Who's this hottie?

-That's our big brother Mario.

-Oh yeah, does he live here?

-He died two years ago.

Something was wrong
with his heart.

-He's an angel now.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Do you have any
sisters or brothers?

-Yeah, one.

His name's George.

-What's wrong?

-Do you know where Berta lives?

-Sure, but how do
you know Berta?

-I didn't tell you
everything, OK?

I'll tell you on the way.

Come on.

[humming]

[screaming]

-What are you doing here?

-What am I doing here?

Your brother is locked
up ready to be eaten

and you ask what I'm doing here?

-What are you talking about?

-OK, Kathy, I'm a very
desperate man at this point.

George is locked
up by some monster

who has him on tomorrow's menu.

And you're walking around the
streets looking like Ru Paul!

OK, Kathy, this
is what my parents

call a crisis situation.

-Where is he?

-I got a photo.

-OK, OK, let's not
waste any more time.

Let's save George.

-You know what?

We could back to my place
and come up with a plan

to save your pig-- I mean,
your brother-- tomorrow.

-Maybe she's right.

I mean, the animals
were pretty noisy.

-You guys, we can't
leave him here!

So we're going to stay here.

We have to get him back to
Berta's before tomorrow night?

-Man, major time.

[sneeze]

[gasping]

[speaking spanish]

-Annie, once you
get up on the roof,

Mercedes and I will
enter the store.

Got it?

OK, Freud, you run
and find George.

The three of us are going
to follow closely behind.

Are there any questions?

Question?

OK, good, let's get to it.

[music playing]

[grunting]

[sneeze]

-Pardon?

Pardon?

[speaking spanish]

-Hi, I'm the guest.

[speaking spanish]

-Ow!

My leg!

I broke my leg!

-Ay!

-My leg!

[speaking spanish]

[yelling]

-Don't touch it!

[speaking spanish]

-George!

There you are.

We've got to get
you out of there.

-Freud?

FREUD: Kathy?

-You got him?

FREUD: Yeah.

-Ay!

-It's a miracle!

I can walk!

[speaking spanish]

-Ah!

[screaming]

[music playing]

-How come I always end
up in these stupid make

or bake situations?

[grunting]

-Come on, Freud, reason.

Let's just try to
think it through.

-Oh, I know.

I'm trying, George.

There's got to be some logical
way to get out of here.

I'm just having a really
hard time identifying it.

I just wish I were bigger.

[mooing]

[screaming]

-You go this way!

I'll go that way!

Why is it always me?

[mooing]

-Come on.

You can do it!

[mooing]

-Tell him to charge
as hard as he can.

[grunting]

-Tell him his life
depends on it!

[grunting]

-Then tell him if we don't
get out of here in a matter

of seconds, he'll be stuffed
in a tortilla by sunset!

[mooing]

-Kick ass!

[shrieking]

-Where's Kathy?

-I lost her when we split up.

-What?

George?

Where did George go?

[grunting]

[sneeze]

[groan]

-Yes!

George!

We got to get out of here!

Jump!

[grunting]

-Oh!

George, what have
you been eating?

Come on.

Let's go.

Oh my God!

-George!

Don't do that again!

[speaking spanish]

[shrieking]

-Kathy!

-Run!

Run!

-Get in the car!

[speaking spanish]

[shrieking]

[yelling]

[sneeze]

-Kathy, can you please help
me with the ingredients?

-Uh, yeah, sure just a second.

-Just talk to her.

-I will!

OK, wait, wait.

-What is it?

-I--
-What?

What is it?

-I just wanted to say that I'm
sorry for screwing things up,

and for disrespecting
your family.

The day that it happened, I
pushed George into your room

so he could trash it.

I know I haven't been
the nicest person.

And I just wanted you to know
that you sometimes annoy me.

And sometimes, well,
most of the time,

I say pretty awful
things about you.

And even though you can be
annoying, I kind of like you.

I don't know what I'm going to
do if we can't change him back.

I'm sorry.

-Yeah, well, I'm
really sorry too.

You know what?

Why don't we start all over
again from the beginning?

-OK.

-OK.

Hi, I'm Matilda.

-Hi, I'm Kathy.

-How are you?

So nice to meet you, Kathy.

-Nice to meet you.

FREUD: Come on you guys.

Your time's up!

-We'll be right out!

Come on.

Let's go do it.

Let's go change George
back into a boy.

Come on.

Help me.

-OK.

Let's do it.

-Let's do it.

-Hey, there's no way you could
bring him back like 17, 18?

-Kathy.

-Just asking.

[speaking spanish]

-That did not sound
very positive.

-Well, she just said that the
sky must be clear for this

to work.

Kathy, help me with
the panajo, please.

[speaking spanish]

-Come on, George.

[music playing]

[howling]

-I can't-- I can't go anymore.

-Just look at her go.

I mean, Berta's
animal spirit must

have been like a mountain goat.

My grandmother can hardly get
off the toilet by herself,

let alone scale a
mountain in the dark.

-Thank you.

Too much info.

[music playing]

-Awesome.

[speaking spanish]

-She says that the
moon has to fill

the eye before this
can actually work.

-Here that George?

[speaking spanish]

[howling]

[thunder]

-I saw-- I saw something
on top of that rock.

-Oh yeah?

What?

-I don't know, something.

-Well, was it a coyote something
or a something something?

-I'm not sure.

I think it was a
something something.

-Well, what kind of a
something something?

-I think it might have
been a coyote something.

But I'm not so sure.

I think it was a
something something--

-Shut up!

You're driving us all crazy.

-Uh, George, I got these
for you so you wouldn't

be embarrassed when
you changed back.

[thunder]

[music playing]

-Is that supposed to happen?

-i hope so.

[thunder]

[music playing]

-OK.

OK.

[speaking spanish]

[music playing]

[grunting]

[speaking spanish]

[shrieking]

-Get off of him!

Get off my brother!

Get off!

[yelling]

[buzzing]

[music playing]

[squawking]

-George?

-George?

-George?

-George!

-George!

[speaking spanish]

[grunting]

-Ay dios!

-No.

-That means thank you in pig.

-You're a real dork.

You know that?

-George!

-George!

-You're back!

This is so cool!

Let me take a picture.

Man, no one will
ever believe this.

-No one will ever believe
this because nobody

will ever know about this.

-Oh, come on!

Just one picture!

Just one!

One?

-OK, one picture, but hurry up.

One secret picture.

-Man, this is going
to be so cool.

-Say swine!

-Swine!

-Remember, this is
our little secret.

-Forever.

-It's Mom and Dad!

-Hurry up!

Oh my God!

We can beat them!

-I think we're going to have
to face the music on this one.

-Oh!

-Uh, you just passed it.

It was that red octagon
thing back there

with the letters on it.

-I thought you said
the next stop sign.

No problem, it's your dime.

-Is this a part time job
or your intended career?

-You'll have to forgive him.

See, he's been sitting on a hard
leather stump for two weeks.

He still can't feel his--

-And thank you for sharing
that with our new friend.

-Problems with
the rear end, huh?

Hey, I know all about
butt rouble, buddy.

You know, I'm sitting
here 10, sometimes

even 12 hours out of the day.

It gets pretty brutal.

But you know what
happened the other day?

Doctor gets in the
back of my cab.

We start talking, find
out he's a doctor.

He says what you
want to do is you

want to run warm
mustard in there.

Get the hot, spicy
kind, the Chinese stuff.

It's terrific.

You want to run
it down in there.

It'll make you feel
100 times better.

I feel like a new man.

It's terrific.

-Uh, can we go home now?

[music playing]

-They're here!

-Everyone stay calm, breathe.

-Hi!

-Bonjuor!

Bonjour!

-Hi!

-Hey!

What's this?

We don't get any hugs?

-Yeah?

-Oh, yeah, sure.

-Come on.

I really miss a hug.

-Hi, honey!

-Welcome home.

-Hi, sweetie.

-Hi, Mom.

-So, anything happen
while we were gone.

-No!

No!

-I see you didn't
burn the house down.

-You're so funny Mr. Caldwell.

-Not much, same boring stuff.

-What's the occasion
for washing my car?

-Dirt!

Dirt, yes it was very
dirty, completely dirty.

But we cleaned it.

Now it's no problem.

-Thank you.

-What happened here?

-Oh my God, my car.

Matlida, what
happened to my car?

-Well Mr. and Mrs. Caldwell,
it's really very easy--

-It's my bike.

I slipped and I made
a gash in the car.

I'll pay for it
with my allowance.

-It was just an accident.

-Accidents happen.

Bike accidents happen.

Ask you whether.

-Ha.

[chuckling]

[gasp]

-Group hug!

-Group hug!

-Hey!

That's more like it.

It's good to be home.

-We missed you guys.

[burp]

-Oh, George.

-George, that was uncalled for.

-What can you expect
from a pig, huh?

[laughter]

-How was your trip?

[music playing]