My Breakfast with Blassie (1983) - full transcript

[guitar softly plays]

[Kaufman]
The life of a part-time wrestler

is no laughing matter.

It's not just fun and games,
like some people think.

You work out, train constantly,

push your body
to the limit of endurance,

and nobody seems to care.

I have wrestled and defeated
over 400 women,

and what do I get?

The men call me a wimp,
the women say I'm a sexist pig.

But then again, I guess you have
to expect that sort of thing



when you're a famous TV star
like I am.

It's sort of like the way
people make fun

of the transportation system
in Los Angeles.

Go ahead and laugh all you want,

but I can still take a bus
to anywhere in the city

for just 50 cents.

I was on my way
to have breakfast

with an old friend
I hadn't seen for years.

Freddie Blassie,
the self-proclaimed king of men.

The reason I was having
breakfast with Blassie

in the first place

was because a friend of mine,
Jeff Walton, the promoter,

had been down in the locker room

of the Olympic Auditorium
last week



interviewing wrestlers.

He happened to notice
one extremely large man

leaning against the wall,

laughing hysterically
with tears in his eyes.

Jeff suddenly realized
that the man was Freddie Blassie

and invited him out for a beer.

Fred explained
that he had been watching

"The David Letterman Show"

and had just seen me
get slapped in the floor

by southern heavyweight
champion, Jerry Lawler,

the man who put me
in this neck brace.

Jeff then mentioned that he was
also a friend of mine,

and that Fred and I
should get together

since we were both in town.

And that's how this breakfast
was arranged.

When I had talked to Fred
on the phone,

he had suggested we meet here
at Sambo's downtown,

since it was located
conveniently

between the wrestling arena
and his hotel.

To me, it was a long bus ride,

but it's not every day you get
to eat with the king of men.

Today, Fred is the top
wrestling manager in the world,

and also a part-time
recording star,

while I'm a world-famous TV star
and part-time wrestler.

Fred and I have both
coined phrases

which are now household words
in America.

With me, it was,
"Thank you very much."

While for years,
Fred has waged a one-man war

against what he calls
"pencil-necked geeks."

I just hope I'm not here
too late.

Or could I be too early?

What if Fred suggested this

just to see
if I was gullible enough

to come all the way down here?

Fred might be on a plane
right now,

laughing all the way back
to New York.

And here I am, standing around
in my neck brace,

in front of all these people,

sitting here,
trying not to stare,

pretending they don't know
who I am.

Come to think of it, Fred and I
haven't really seen each other

since I started wrestling.

And Fred did once say

he'd kick his own grandmother
for a field goal.

Gosh, what if...?

Maybe I...?

Hmm.

I don't know.
Maybe I should...

Gee whiz.

Golly gee.

Holy mackerel.

Andy.
[laughs]

-Hey, Fred.
-Been waitin' long?

Oh, hi. No, not really, no.
Nice to see you.

Oh, good, good, good.
I'm glad.

-Table for two?
-Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

-Okay.
-Thank you.

What are you thanking him for?

He didn't do anything
that he wasn't supposed to do.

He showed us to our table.

You don't have to thank him.
He didn't do anything.

Well, thank him for...

You know, well, you don't
have to be that nice, Jesus.

This looks like a drawing thing
for a little kid.

Doesn't look like much
of a menu. You hungry?

Oh, yeah.
I didn't eat today.

Same here. All I've had
was a glass of cranberry juice.

I just had a glass of water.

-A glass of water?
-Uh-huh.

Really saving money.

Yeah. You know, there was a leak
in my house,

so I couldn't take a shower,
I couldn't do anything.

-You're kidding?
-No.

Jesus Christ.

I woke up,
I just went to the shower,

there's nothing coming out.

The guy came to my house

to change
some kind of a water tank,

and he made a mistake,

and there was water spurting out
all over the street.

[laughs]
Yeah, I mean, you're a big--

you know,
you're a big celebrity.

I mean, you don't have to live
in a rat hole like that.

Hi. How are you?

Hello, honey,
what have we got here?

Looks like we got two people
waiting on us,

you and someone else.

[waitress giggles]

-What nationality are you?
-Pardon?

What nationality are you?

Oh, Thai.

You're Thai? Yeah?

I was over in your country,
Bangkok,

but I never seen a pregnant
Thai girl before. Come here.

I always like to rub
like a Buddha.

Good luck.
[laughs]

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Don't have to tip her so much
when we leave now.

What are you gonna have?

Well, um, let's see.

I'll have the...

I'm not much one for steak.
I hate steak.

Uh-huh.

Chicken, I only like
the white meat.

I don't know, I guess I'll just
have eggs or something.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Or maybe some pancakes or...

Pancakes?
They're not too good for you.

-Why not?
-Like eating a bunch of dough.

-Really?
-Really. Yeah, no.

-What about French toast?
-French toast's the same thing.

-Don't eat any. Too much bread.
-Waffles?

Waffle's the same thing.

So, what's good, then?

[laughs]

Why don't you have some turkey?

Oh, yeah, for breakfast, though?

-We're eating breakfast.
-Oh, that's right.

-Yeah.
-Well, see, I mean...

In my business, I mean, you eat
breakfast any time of the day,

whenever you wake up.

Yeah.

So, I'm accustomed to eating
turkey all hours of the time,

it makes no difference.

-Mm-hmm. Well, you know what?
-You gonna have some eggs?

Is it all right with you
if I take off my jacket?

Certainly. I mean,
we're friends of longstanding.

-You can do anything you want.
-Okay.

If you want to get up
and dance a jig,

you can dance a jig,
do anything.

Okay.

Been a long time
since we've seen each other.

-Yeah.
-You're doing real well.

I just returned from a trip
from Japan.

Oh, really?

I was over there
for three weeks.

I enjoy going to Japan.

My wife is oriental, you know.
She's from Japan.

So, it makes it very nice.

I mean, I go over on business,
and she goes over on pleasure.

-She goes with you to Japan?
-Oh, certainly, certainly.

She's my interpreter when I go.

I wouldn't go over there
without her.

And while I was there,
they had two typhoons.

-Mm-hmm.
-Very bad.

I mean, some of the things
that they show on TV

over in Japan,
I don't approve of.

You know, a bunch of people
suffocating in the mudslides

and things like that.

-Was it on the news?
-Yeah, it was very bad.

When I was a kid,

my grandparents
used to go there.

-Is that right?
-For business.

For three months at a time
every year.

And then, my parents
would go there,

and they would always bring back
things from Japan and Hawaii,

and teach us
how to speak Japanese.

Yeah, yeah.

-Are you ready to order?
-Oh.

Yes.

Andy, you order first.

I'll have...

I'll have...

-Um...
-Uh...

A large orange juice.

Is your orange juice
freshly squeezed?

No, it's from a can.

-She's very honest.
-Yeah.

And, um...

You said I shouldn't
have French toast,

pancakes, or waffles.

If you want 'em, go ahead.
I mean, you know, it's--

I know.
I'll have two eggs, scrambled,

and a waffle with a lot
of butter on the side.

[laughs]

Um...

And then, also some coffee.

With cream.
A lot of cream.

Yeah. I don't want--

I don't want bacon.
No, sausage and eggs.

-Pancakes?
-No, no pancakes.

Tomato, cottage cheese instead?

Cottage cheese.

-And you have rye toast?
-Sure.

Or whole wheat?

-Whole wheat.
-Whole wheat.

I'm gonna have whole wheat.

With a cup of coffee, too?

No, I'll have milk.

Coffee's not--

It keeps me awake.

Even if you have it
in the beginning of the day?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I--

I can't stand that caffeine.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

First time I've ever seen
a pregnant waitress.

[laughs]

-Well, everything all right?
-Oh, yeah.

So, what did you decide to have?

Bacon and--
No, sausage and eggs.

Sausage and eggs.

Bacon, it's all right,

but I like to have sausage
once in a while.

And whole wheat toast.
That was it.

And you're having a waffle?

A waffle and eggs,
and coffee and orange juice.

-Scrambled eggs.
-Scrambled.

I like to dunk.

Dunk.

Take my toast and dunk it
in the yellow, in the yolk.

But, so, what else is new?

Oh, I don't know...

Oh, yeah,
what I was telling you.

My parents and my grandparents

used to go to Japan
when we were kids.

Well, they--

My first tour over there
was 1962.

And that was right--

I was recognized

as the world's heavyweight
wrestling champion in the WWA.

Before I went over there,

there was a wrestler,
Mike Sharpe.

He said, "Blassie,
what are you gonna do

when you get over there?"

He says,
"You can't speak Japanese.

They can't understand English."

I said, "I'll do something.
I'll come up with something."

And I have
my front teeth capped.

So, I'm window shopping.
I love to window shop.

I can spend three hours
in a hardware store,

picking up all things,

looking at 'em,
putting 'em down.

And same way in an automobile
accessory place.

I can spend, like I say,
three, four hours with ease.

So, I happen to see a file
laying there,

and I went in and I said,
"I'll buy the file."

So, he wrapped it up for me,
and he took it out,

and I saw Mike.

I said, "This thing here,"

I said, "Will make the people
recognize me."

I don't have to speak Japanese.

My work, my wrestling,

plus the color
that I have in everything,

I guarantee you,
they'll never forget Blassie.

So, we got off the plane,
landed in Japan.

When we did,
I started filing my teeth.

Well, they just went ape.

They had about 25 photographers
there, snapping pictures.

Same amount of reporters
took me in a private room

and asked me
what I thought of Rikidozan,

who was their champion
and supposedly had defeated me.

And I told 'em he was a bum

and nothing
but a pencil-necked geek,

and he's not the rightful owner
of the title,

it's my title,
and I'm back to claim it.

So, in that four-week tour,

about 20 people dropped dead
of heart attacks

from me biting.

I was the one that introduced
the first biting in wrestling.

Wait, who dropped dead?

-The fans?
-The fans, the spectators.

Oh, 'cause they had
never seen that before.

-They'd never seen nobody--
-They never saw blood.

They'd never seen nobody
as vicious as I was in the ring.

-Can I just--
-Yeah.

Before I eat,
I always wash my hands.

I'm just gonna go wash my hands,
okay?

-Well, here, here.
-I'll be right back.

No, that's okay, I'll just be--
I'll just be right back.

You don't have to--
You don't have to go.

I don't know
what he's going for.

Could have given him
one of my...

paper towels here.

I always have 'em,
I always carry 'em.

I always wash my hands myself,
never know.

Oh, well.

You're Fred Blassie, aren't you?

That's right, honey.

Can I have my autograph--
your autograph?

You want my--?
You want your--?

[laughs]

Not right now.
No, no, no, no.

I don't have a--
Do you have a pen?

-Anyway.
-Are we still...?

What's going on?

You're Andy Kaufman, aren't you?
Could I have your autograph?

Yeah, sure.
Well, don't make it--

Oh, okay.

-Eating--
-I'm eating break--

Can you wait until I'm finished?

Okay. Well, I--

All right, what's your name?

It's Linda.

Linda.

All right.

It's really nice to meet you.

Thank you. Nice to meet you.

-Nice, and--
-No, no, no, thank you.

What'd you do that for?

I don't know.
They asked me.

But you know
what really gets me,

is when they ask me
while I'm eating, because...

I don't--
It's not--

You know, people think,
you know,

you can can just ask somebody...

Yeah, I know,
but when you're eatin'.

...anytime.
When you're eating, yeah.

Something today,
this milk doesn't taste right.

Really? Let me just...

Very sweet.

Excuse me, I have to say grace.

I hope they didn't put any sugar
or anything in that thing.

Doesn't taste right.

I don't want to sign autographs
for these ding-a-lings.

Why don't you fix your coffee?

I just have to say grace
before I eat all the time.

-I always--
-Say grace?

-Yeah.
-What? Who is she?

-You know, it's a prayer.
-Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

I used to
when I was a little kid.

-Yeah.
-But I never--

-You stopped.
-Yeah, I just-- But--

It's a habit I got into
about 10 years ago.

That's a good habit.

I was going out
with a very nice girl,

and she got me to do a few
very nice-- very good things.

Yeah.

One of them was
wash my hands before I eat,

and the other one was say grace.

Well, you should always
do that anyway

because you never know
what you come in contact with.

Right.

I have an obsession, too,

when I walk down the stairs
or anything,

I never touch the railing.

-Right.
-'Cause you never know--

-Or the handle on the doors.
-Yeah. Yeah.

You don't know what's--

And if I'm, like,
getting in a plane,

I'll ask the stewardess
for these hand towels,

wipe off the arm rest.

-Really?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because you never know
what scurvy, pencil-necked geek

was sitting there or anything.

Right. Yeah, that's true.
You don't know what--

You know,
it's just like when I go to--

like, if I'm sitting on my bed,
let's say, to read or something,

I don't want to--
I always take off my shirt

because I don't know if my shirt

has been sitting in a restaurant
or on a bus.

That's right.

You know,
where whoever sat before me,

where they have been.

That's right.

And then, the back of my shirt
touches the seat,

and then, it touches the pillow

where I put my head
when I sleep at night.

My bed is my sacred territory
when I sleep.

Have you read
the latest article on herpes?

-No, but I heard about it.
-Oh, Christ.

Terrible. Terrible, I tell you.

-Is this butter?
-Want some ketchup?

-Yeah, this is butter.
-Ketchup?

Yeah, I'll have a little
Ketchup.

-Yeah, what about the herpes?
-Oh.

I've heard
everybody's getting it.

Very-- It's become an epidemic.

-No cure for it.
-No cure for it.

And what the hell
did she give me here?

Apple.
Don't they have strawberry?

Apple jelly.

-Well, why don't you ask her?
-I really don't want any.

It's not good for you, anyway.

-No, I know. It's sweet.
-Yeah.

You know what I can't stand
is when people--

The autographs is one thing.

But you don't know
where the pen's been, you know,

and you have to touch the pen.

You know
what I really can't stand?

What's that?

Is when these people
come up to me

and ask me for my autograph,

and then they--
and they shake my hand.

-Oh! Hey.
-And they--

And, you know,
and I just went to the bathroom,

and I washed my hands, and I'm--

You know, I want my hands to be
like a surgeon when I use them.

I feel the same way.

And these people come up to me,
and they-- and they say,

"Are you Andy Kaufman?"
I say, "Fine. Nice to meet you."

I always like to keep a fork
in my hand so that they won't--

they won't--
they'll get the idea.

They won't put their--
But they put it out anyway.

That's right.
They grab the left hand.

They'll grab the left hand.

Have a knife and fork
in your hand.

And then, usually, they'll get
the idea, and they won't try,

but once in a while,
some jerk will come up

and try and shake my hand.

And then,
I have to go to the bathroom

and wash my hand again.

-That's right.
-And I'm there with people--

And sometimes it happens.

I have to go back and forth
to the bathroom.

Well.

So, you know what I do
sometimes?

As soon as I get fed up,
I carry around these things.

But here, there are these things
right here.

You have the same thing.

-Here.
-I guess...

I'd never met anybody
who carries those things.

Use one.

-Oh.
-I've got them all the time.

-These here came from Japan.
-Really?

-Yeah.
-Paper napkin.

-That's right.
-Okay.

The reason I don't like
to shake hands with nobody

is because I don't know

if they've been
to the men's room,

been to the toilet.

Maybe their finger
went right through the tissue.

-Right.
-And then, I'm gonna--

And they don't wash their hands
after they go to the bathroom.

-That's right.
-This is dry.

And then, I should shake hands
with those pencil-neck geeks?

-How about that?
-This is dry.

-Dry?
-Yeah.

Well, I got it in Japan.

Should be wet. It went
through a typhoon season.

Try again.

Yeah, this one's dry.

Well, put a little--
[laughs]

Put a little water on it.

-Not that way.
-Oh. What?

Get the-- get the--

-This thing.
-Yeah?

-Fill it up.
-Get your spoon.

-Well, that's okay. I'll just--
-Here. This way.

No, no, no, Jesus Christ.
Do it the right way.

-Uh-huh.
-This way now.

Dip the thing in here.

-Oh.
-See? It'll be wet again.

No, not that. I said,
dip the paper in the thing.

But look, it's wet now.

All right, use it, then.
Use it.

Some people
don't wash their hands

after they go to the bathroom.

That's right.

Now, like I said before,

and I mean it,
I'm not just saying it,

some guys only use
two or three tissues.

Mm-hmm.

I use half a roll
if I've got to go.

I'll be darn sure
my hand don't go through.

These guys here,
plus the fact that I scrub

underneath my fingernails
very good and everything...

What the hell
are we talking about that for?

We're eating breakfast.

[Andy laughs]

That's okay.

But everything's going real well
for you.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-I'm very happy.

Well, you know, you heard about
my accident a few months ago.

Yeah. Yeah.

What do you think of that?

-Well, the guy's a birdbrain.
-Yeah.

And, uh--

I went in the ring,

I wrestled a man
for the first time, and he--

Yeah, well.

Even the bell had already rung.
He still did that.

First place,
you shouldn't have done it.

-Why? You don't think I should?
-You don't have the experience.

The man is a southern
heavyweight champion.

-Mm-hmm.
-Not a good build.

Yeah.

Plus, he outweighs me
by almost twice as much.

That'd be just like you
going in against Hulk Hogan.

Mm-hmm.

Bob Backlund, Killer Tom,
Blackjack Mulligan.

What chance do you have
against them?

None.

So, it's the same thing
going in--

Yeah, but I've wrestled women
that are bigger than him.

So, you got fat, sloppy women.

I thought
since they outweigh him--

I wrestled women
that are twice as big as him.

I figured if I could beat them
real easily,

I have a chance against him.

They don't have the strength
that a man has got, a woman.

-Yeah.
-No.

I always said there wasn't
any woman that could beat me.

I was right, too,

'cause I'm still undefeated
as far as women goes.

But when it came to a man,
I didn't--

Well, why don't you just stick
to wrestling the women, then?

Maybe I should.
If I ever go back to wrestling--

Forget about it.

Do you think I should go back
to wrestling, though?

Well, you got to be careful.

Even just women?

-That's right.
-I've had almost 400 matches.

Well, I understand,

but I'm talking
about your broken neck.

That was from a man, though.

-The neck is still broken.
-Mm-hmm.

The girls over here,
they finished eating.

They just keep sitting there
at the table.

Why don't they leave?

It's cluttering it up.

I don't know.

See, they don't want you to go--

Will you keep quiet?

Wipe-- wipe the juice
off your chin.

-Oh.
-You're drooling over her.

See? Because you keep
acknowledging them,

they keep sitting there.

Maybe if we ignore them,
they'll go.

Yeah, well, I--

Yeah, well, you guys are okay.

We were nice.
We got your autograph.

Yeah, I gave you my autograph.

Yeah, so, why can't we sit here?

I didn't say anything to you.
I didn't say anything to you.

[women indistinctly chattering]

You see, you started it.

You gave 'em the autograph,
and they keep sittin' there.

Just 'cause I'm nice enough
to give you an autograph,

you keep sitting here.

I shouldn't have given you
the autograph.

You don't want the autograph?

-You don't want the autograph.
-Take it back, Jesus.

See what I mean?

I don't want the autograph.
Here, you want it?

What the hell do I want with it?

Here, take it, I gave it to you.

[Linda] I think I know
what I'm gonna do

with this autograph.

Yeah. See, I told you.

What?

They don't know what they hell
they want with the autograph.

Why can't you let people
have privacy?

You know, we're just like you.
We're just human beings.

We're trying to have
a private conversation.

So, why do you bother us, then?
So, why are you bothering us?

-You started bothering us.
-I didn't start bothering you.

You came over to us

and asked to shake our hands
and autographs and everything.

[Linda] Why do you think
you make a living?

Because of your fans.
You just lost four us.

I don't really care.

-I don't really care.
-Okay.

I don't really care.

I don't need you.
I don't need you.

Okay?
I don't need you as fans.

-Well, we don't need you either.
-I don't need you.

-[Blassie] Good.
-[Linda] We don't need you.

You know, they say, always be
nice to them on the way up

because when you come down,
you'll need 'em.

I'm never coming down,
so, what do I need you for?

There you are.

Why don't you go back
to the kitchen where you belong

and wash some pots and pans
and raise the babies?

There you are.

[Linda]
Mr. Macho.

[man]
Must be Mr. Bigshot.

Mister, do you know who I am?
Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

I am Andy Kaufman from "Taxi".

-TV star.
-That's right.

I am a TV star.

I am on television
once a week, okay?

I am Andy Kaufman.

And I am eating here,
and I am trying--

Excuse me.
I am trying--

I am trying to have
a conversation

with my friend, Fred Blassie,

five-times world heavyweight
wrestling champion, okay?

He is a very famous man.
I am a famous man.

We would like to be left alone,
if you don't mind. Okay?

So, just leave us alone.

All of you, leave us alone,
please.

I should take your advice.

I shouldn't give out
any more autographs

or shake any more hands.

[Blassie]
Right.

-Where's the waitress?
-Hey, Buddha.

Hey, Buddha.

Hello.

-We're gonna--
-She's very nice.

-I'd like some more coffee.
-More coffee?

-Yeah, I want some more coffee.
-Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Just, I wish people
would leave us alone.

Would you tell those people
to please leave us alone.

You can't?

Just...

-Good luck.
-Now you'll do it, right?

I think it's almost kicking.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, I think.

When are you supposed
to have the--?

Sim? You're named Sim?

-Pim.
-Pim.

-Yes.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

Is it Pim or Peem?

-Pime. P-I-M-E.
-Pime?

-Just like that.
-Pime.

-Is it kicking?
-Yes.

And how long before it comes?

Oh, beginning September.

-September?
-Oh, yeah?

-First one?
-Yeah, first one.

-Yeah. Well, good, good.
-Thank you.

That's another one we're gonna
have to feed on welfare.

Now, another thing,
talking about the--

Earlier, we were talking
about the--

these different countries.

Iran.

Now, the Shah of Iran,
what a friendly man.

Mr. Jeffrey,
who was his right-hand man,

was a record-holding champion
from Iran.

I met him in 1962
on my first trip to Japan.

He stayed over an extra week
just to see me.

So, Mr. Jeffrey and I--

The Shah, they had overthrown
the government years before

this last time,

I don't know,
in the '30s or something,

'40s, whatever, I don't know.
'20s, whatever.

But he himself, Mr. Jeffries,

single-handedly killed
over 400 people.

-And after...
-He was the wrestler?

Yes, he was the wrestler.

And I've never met a more
magnetic person in my life.

Piercing brown eyes.

-How did he kill people?
-With his hands.

-In the ring?
-No, no.

These were people
that overthrew the Shah.

Oh, right.

You see, and he was getting
the country back.

And the Shah flew back
into Iran,

and he presented him
the flag of Iran,

and then, in a token
of appreciation

the Shah built him
his own palace

and his own sports arena.

And the man wanted me
to come over as his guest

and stay with him
and everything.

A wonderful man.

So, I told him, all right,
I'd come in.

And I went in there for a week.

Originally, two weeks.

And I told him, I said,
"I have nine weeks off,

but I'll give you
two of the nine."

Our first time was on TV
introduced by an announcer,

and he says...

-She's got nice looking legs.
-Yeah.

-Walks a little funny.
-She's all right.

She walks a little funny,
but legs are nice.

Of course,
you don't have to walk.

[laughs]

Say, tell me--

tell me a little something
about your friend there.

The one that just left.

She's not interested.
She's not interested.

What about her?
What does she do?

What do you want to know?

What's her--
Her name's Lynn?

Her name's Lynn.
Yeah, ask her.

And what does she like?
What does she like to do?

What are you trying to get at?

Uh...

-Lynn.
-Lynn. Yeah.

[Blassie laughs]

I can't believe these guys.

What does she do?
What does she do for a living?

Does it matter what she does
for a living?

Well, you all know
what I do for a living.

I'm on television once a week.
I do "Taxi". I play Latka.

-What does she do?
-Well, that's great.

It's not fair that you should
know what I do for a living.

What does she do for a living?

-Don't you know that's rude?
-I don't know.

I don't know what she does
for a living.

Why don't you ask her
when she comes back?

Just tell me. What should I know
about her to talk to her?

-Don't tell him.
-She's married, for one thing.

-Oh, she's married?
-Oh.

[laughs]

Does that matter?

Yeah, don't monkey
with married women.

-No?
-No.

-All right, forget it.
-Used merchandise.

[Linda]
Used merchan--

Her husband's still just getting
out of prison this week, too.

-For what?
-For murder.

-Big deal.
-Big deal.

That really scares me, right?
That scares me.

Do you think
she's telling the truth?

Well, it don't make a damn

if they aren't
telling the truth.

Yeah, but if they're not
telling the truth,

then we could--
I could try out for that one.

Oh.

Well, I don't know.
Maybe that one over there.

I think she's stretching
the truth a little.

-Yeah.
-Where'd she go?

-To the ladies room.
-She left.

-She left?
-Ladies room.

The ladies room?
I hope she washes her hands.

Well, if not, we can give her
one of these.

-Hello, Lynn.
-Hey, Lynn. Here, sit down.

Have a seat.

Here, here.
Have a seat.

-Sit down, honey.
-Sit down.

So, um...

[Linda]
I can't believe she did that.

Tell me, are you really married?

-Are you married?
-Yeah.

If you're married,
then where is your husband?

I don't know.

Oh, you don't know.
So, then, I guess--

I told them about prison
already.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

-Your husband's in prison?
-Yeah?

What's he in for?
What happened?

Um...

[laughs]

Some guy in a restaurant
tried to take her out.

That was it.
That was it.

-What happened?
-Blew his head off.

He blew the guy's head off

because a guy tried
to pick you up?

-Yeah.
-In a restaurant?

Yeah. Sort of like this guy.

Where is your husband now?
Is he in prison?

He's in Sing Sing.

But I don't scare, honey.

-When does he come out?
-That's right.

When does he come out?

I don't know,
in, like, five minutes.

You know me, don't you?

No, I can't quite place you.

I'm in "Taxi".
I'm Andy Kaufman.

-Taxi? You drive a taxi?
-I'm an actor, I'm a comedian.

No, no, no, I'm on a show
called "Taxi" on television.

-I'm a famous star.
-Oh.

-I'm a famous star.
-He plays Latka.

Latka.
[imitates Latka]

That's me. That's what I do.

When you first walked in,
I noticed you right away,

and I said to myself,

"Now, this is somebody
who I would give my time to."

[Lynn]
Yes.

Because I don't give my time
to anybody else, just anybody.

And you, I would.

-Susan, right? Susan.
-Right.

-I would give my time to Susan.
-You are obnoxious.

-Susan.
-What did you say your name was?

-You're a taxi driver?
-He's obnoxious.

-He's making a good pitch.
-What's her name, "Susan"?

-You are obnoxious.
-Her name is not Susan.

-What is it?
-Lynn.

Lynn. I'm sorry, I was thinking
of something else.

You know,
I got a little mixed up.

-I know, you're so excited.
-That's right.

Lynn. And I said, "Lynn, I have
to spend time with this Lynn."

So, later on, we'll exchange
numbers, and I'll call you.

[Lynn]
On the way out?

I think
I'll rejoin my friends now.

Okay, listen,
I'll see you later.

Okay.

-Pleasure talking to you.
-Yeah.

You too.
What'd you say your name was?

-Andy. Andy Kaufman.
-Andy.

Latka on "Taxi".

-"Taxi."
-Once a week, I'm on TV.

-You're on TV?
-Every Thursday night. Yep.

Here you go.
I'll see you later, now.

-Yeah.
-Ciao.

-Yeah, well...
-Lynn.

Caroline?

-Lynn.
-Lynn.

-Lynn.
-Yeah?

-See you later.
-Yeah, see you later.

[Blassie] Christ, you're
calling her Gertrude and Ellen.

-I don't remember names.
-Lynn.

I'm terrible with names. I don't
remember names, you know.

Just remember,
she's the one with the legs.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, if she could only get away
from those friends--

friends of hers.

Talk like-- like hens.

Hens cackling.

Try to act like ladies.

Try to act like ladies, please.

[Linda]
What do ladies act like?

You know, where I come from,

ladies don't talk back to men
when they say something.

[Linda] Oh, yeah?
Where do you come from?

-I come from...
-The 1920s?

Where I come from,
men can say things,

and the ladies say,
"Yes, sir. Yes, sir."

Where's that?
Your home?

For instance, in Japan,
they were like that, right?

That's right.

-They listen to the men.
-Oh, you're from Japan?

-Yeah, I'm from Japan.
-Yeah, you look...

I am, I'm from Japan.

A little bit.
And also, I'm from--

[Linda] Then, why don't you
go back to Japan?

You got me all-- you got me
all double-twisted up inside.

-Right?
-That's right. That's right.

Yeah, you got me
all double-twisted up inside.

[Linda]
You just said that.

If my own grandmother stood
in my line of path

on me to win a match,

I'd kick her in the groin,
stomp on her,

smash her teeth in,

and I'd say, "You old broad,
get out of my way."

-That's right.
-That's right.

I hate a loser, I love a winner,

and that's why
I've always been a winner.

I've been the world's champ
five times.

-That's right.
-World's heavyweight champ.

-You sound like Freddie Blassie.
-That's right.

I am the inter-gender champion
of the world.

I was the inter-gender champion
of the world.

I can whip you any day, lady.

Any day, lady, I can whip you,
I can whip you, I can whip you--

-You think so?
-Come on.

Right here, right here.
Right here, right here.

Come on. Come on.
You. Come on, come on.

-Hey, come on.
-Stupid neck brace.

Get out!

-Stupid neck brace.
-Hey, Fred.

Cut it out. Cut it out.

-No, no.
-Cut it out.

No, no, no.
Cut it out. Cut it out.

Cut it out.

That's it. A dry one.
That's it. That's it. That's it.

[Linda]
See? What did I tell you?

The guy is so obsessed with...

[woman]
Yeah, look at these guys.

[Linda]
Look at this. Look at this.

Well, I just had some sticky
stuff on it

from this apple jelly.

Yeah, well, I got more sticky.

-As you said...
-Apple jelly.

You don't know
whether he's put his finger...

They didn't have strawberry.

No strawberry jam.
Apple jelly.

-Well...
-[Lynn] You guys ready to go?

-But the...
-[Linda] I'm ready to go.

-Don't say nothing. Let them go.
-Yeah, all right.

[woman]
Do you want some dessert?

The reason I'm saying something,
I want to impress this one here.

-Yeah, well...
-I'm trying to impress her.

-She's got nice legs.
-I know.

That's why I'm trying
to impress her.

-The other three...
-Oh...

-But...
-Thank you.

-No, no.
-Look, you disturbed our meal.

We'll take hers.

You, I'll pay for yours.
I'll pay for yours.

-I'm sorry, I'm on there.
-You ruined our meal.

Her part's eleven dollars.

-No, it isn't.
-Ha. Eleven dollars.

Well, it was certainly nice
meeting you gentlemen.

Goodbye.

-Goodbye.
-Here you go.

Um, listen. Come here,
I want to tell you something.

Okay, yeah.

Do you want to give me
your phone number?

-No.
-Why not?

-[Linda] It really surprises me.
-Yeah?

Fred Blassie,
and you wouldn't shake her hand.

-I'm sorry, I just don't.
-What's your name, now, Lynn?

-I just don't.
-Suzy.

-L-Y-N-N?
-L-Y...

-L.
-L.

-L.
-Okay.

[Linda]
Can I touch your hand?

It's a straight line...

The pen has stopped writing,
okay?

Oh, good.
Well, that gets me out.

Wait a minute, do you have
a pen? Wait a minute?

No, wait. Come here. Come here.
Wait, wait, wait.

If you ever learn how to read--
if you ever learn how to read--

-[Kaufman] Wait a minute.
-Bye-bye.

No, wait. Lynn, Lynn,
come here, come here.

No, wait. I have something
to give you.

-No, no.
-Come here. Come here.

-No, come on.
-Bye-bye.

[Lynn]
No, come on, leave me alone.

The pen started writing.
I want to give you my number.

Bye-bye, keep walking
until your head floats.

She doesn't realize what a lucky
woman she is. She's gonna...

I'm gonna get her tonight, boy.

-Ooh, I'm gonna...
-Yeah!

[laughs]

Oh, boy. She's something.
She's really...mmm.

Yeah, well, I got to go--

Well, I could sink my teeth
into that, huh?

You're not married, see,
so, you're all right.

Yeah, when you're married,
you can't do that.

-Have you had enough to eat?
-Well, yeah. I've had enough.

What about dessert?
You want to have some dessert?

Well...

Maybe we should ask
for a dessert menu.

Might as well have dessert,
I guess...

Excuse me, waitress.

I could splurge once in a while.

-Can we see a menu?
-Yes.

Miss Pine? Pine?

-Pine.
-Yes.

-Pine.
-Okay.

-Right here, sir.
-How's the little one?

-Oh, he's fine.
-God Almighty.

Huh?

Oh, that's his feet kicking.
Kicking my hand.

[laughs]

Your husband won't get mad
'cause I...

-Oh, no.
-Wishing luck.

-Where's the dessert?
-Right here, sir.

Well, I know
what I'm gonna have.

This is a crayon magazine.

Got to start looking
like a menu.

-A coloring book for kids.
-Happy endings.

Happy endings.

Yeah.

I think I'll have ice cream.

I won't have too--
I never eat too much ice cream.

Ice cream.

I'll have
the chocolate layer cake.

Sure.

I'm not too fond of ice cream,
but I eat it once in a while.

-Just one scoop?
-Yeah. One scoop will be enough.

You need some ice cream
on your chocolate cake?

No, just the chocolate
layer cake, please.

Thank you.
Thank you.

-So...
-Uh...

So, I want to ask you
some advice.

-Yeah.
-Because the...

You're-- you've been through
a lot more than me.

You know, it seems that you're
wiser and you know more.

Since this happened to me,
everybody's--

I walk around,

people are hanging
their head down in shame.

-They're ashamed of me.
-Ashamed of you?

Yeah, they say, "Oh, you lost
a match, you lost a match."

-What can I do?
-What can you do?

Yeah. How do I get my revenge?
How do I get back at this guy?

Well, no, you just--

The people that are
down in the mouth about it,

tell 'em,
well, at least you tried.

And they didn't have the guts
to try.

It's better to be a has-been
than a never-was.

-That's true.
-Remember that.

That's what I always say.

But do you think
I'm a has-been now?

-No, no. But you were there.
-That's right.

-And they never will be.
-That's right.

They never would have the guts
to go in a ring like that.

-That's what I'm saying.
-Yeah.

And you were the main event

in one of the leading cities
in the South.

-Memphis, Tennessee.
-Yeah.

For a capacity crowd.

So, you have nothing
to be ashamed of.

The only thing is
don't ever attempt it again.

-No.
-You know.

You just went overboard.

What about against a man
my size, though?

-Huh?
-A man-- maybe a man my size?

If he has the same amount
of experience as you have,

then, I say all right.

But if it's--
if he's a professional,

he's done it all his life,
it'd be silly.

Because, as you well know,

that I've suffered numerous
injuries in my profession.

Mm-hm.

And that's as far
as I can extend both arms.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

They won't go down no further,
and I have both of 'em.

-Why?
-They've been busted so often.

Six knee operations,

four on the right,
two on the left.

Seventh and eleventh vertebrae
are fused together.

Every rib on the right side,
five on the left.

Neck has also been broken.

Fractured skull,
brain concussion twice,

nose broken seven times,
every finger on the right side.

So, I mean, I just--
The list is endless.

And I've been cut and stabbed
11 different times

and had acid poured on me.

And all kinds of things.

You name it,
and I've had it done.

-Here comes ice cream.
-Oh, good.

Well, that looks great.
This is the kind of cake I love.

The cherry on the top.

Did you tell me--

You were telling me
you went down south...

Yeah, I went down there
the first time,

so, the announcer announced me.

And he said,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

we're having with us tonight
for the first time

southern heavyweight champion,
Freddie Blassie."

And I said,
"Step aside, white trash.

I'm not here to talk to my fans
and all my black fans."

Mm-hmm. And this was where,
in the fifties?

Yeah, the fifties.

1956 or '57.

-Mm-hmm.
-And...

So, the KKK picked up on that.

-When they heard you saying...
-Yeah.

-About your fans.
-White trash.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I didn't know there were
that many more morons

living in Mobile at that time.

Must have been
about six carloads of them,

just circling all day Sunday,
and I'm giving them the finger,

and what have you,
and everything.

So, I defeated their favorite
local white boy down there.

And I got in my car
and went out the back way.

Jumped in my car and I took off.

And I could see
through my rearview mirror,

they were riding behind me.

Yeah.

So, I saw some sparks
like a firecracker,

you know,
in the rearview mirror.

And I finally made it
where I was going in Mobile,

and I lost them.

And I consider myself
quite lucky,

but then, I found out how lucky
I really was the next morning

when I got up.

And I went to get in my car,

and there was a bullet hole
in the car.

What I had thought
was firecrackers,

you know, exploding, was--
must have been gunfire.

Mm-hmm.

And one of the bullets
had pierced the car,

and luckily, knock on wood,
nothing happened.

But I've had numerous escapades
in this wrestling.

In Boston, Massachusetts,

a spectator threw something
and hit me in the right eye,

and I lost the sight
of the right eye.

-Really? Permanently?
-Yes. Uh-huh.

But there are
a bunch of goofs...

-Did you ever catch them?
-No, no. They...

You never catch those cowards.

When did they throw it?

In the ring
or after the matches?

Well, this was going
to the ring, you know.

-Within the auditorium itself?
-Yes. Uh-huh.

But...

What did they throw?
Was it glass?

-No, he threw an egg.
-An egg?

And tore the retina
in two places.

An egg?

Yeah, I've had many
wonderful things happen to me

in the wrestling profession.

I mean, I've met wonderful--
a lot of nice people.

Big influential people.

People like yourself
and Robert Stank.

-Elvis Presley.
-Hm, what about Elvis Presley?

Oh, Elvis Presley was
a very good friend of mine.

I heard he was a big fan
of yours.

Yes. Elvis, I met him
in Honolulu.

And, so, they wanted me to take
some publicity shots with him,

so, I went down there,

and as soon as he saw me,
"Fred, how are you?"

And he was much better looking
in real life

than he was on a screen.

And in my opinion,

he's one of the most handsome
I've ever seen.

He was a heck of a nice guy,

and I don't believe all those
things that they say about him,

about his drug habit.

I don't believe that.

I mean, he got all bloated up
and everything,

but his diet, the food
that he ate and everything,

the sandwiches and everything,
that had a lot to do with that.

I heard it was
Monte Cristo sandwiches.

Yeah, well, whatever the...

But his eating habits,
that was the thing I say--

I attribute everything to.

It wasn't his drug habit.

I don't believe that,
regardless of what they say.

You'll never convince me
of that.

But...

No, I--

People say, if I had to do it
over again, what would I do?

I always give them
the stock answer.

If I had to do it
all over again,

I'd do it, only twice as much,

and twice as often,
and twice as fast.

Wrestling, to me, was everything
I expected, and even more so.

You have to have
a few screws loose

to do it in the first place.

You know, I never realized
how tough it was

until I got a little taste of it
myself when this happened.

And I see--
I know what you mean now.

Yeah, well, when I saw it
on the screen,

and as soon as it happened,
I told my wife,

I said, "He's hurt. He is hurt."

And, so, when I heard it on--
came right out on APUP.

And then, people would say--

A lot of 'em wouldn't even know
what I was talking about, APUP.

They think they're going
to the bathroom.

Associated Press-- AP,
United Press-- UP.

You and I, we know
what we're talking about.

-Yeah, the newspaper syndicates.
-Yeah.

And...

I could have run the whole time
if he hadn't outsmarted me.

What he did was, he said,

"I'll stand here with my hands
tied behind my back,

and I'll let you put me
in a headlock."

'Cause I had been
on the Letterman Show

the week before

bragging about how I can get
anybody in a headlock,

they have to give up.

So, I said, "Okay, fine."

-Excuse me, Mr. Kaufman.
-What?

Mr. Kaufman, I didn't realize
when I was sitting there before

who you were.
I thought you were just some--

Yeah, we're trying to talk
with each other.

We're having a conversation.

Okay, I just wanted to ask you
something real quick.

What? What?

Is that I noticed
you were giving autographs

out to people before.

Yeah.

And I realize it takes
a lot of time for you to--

from eating and everything
to give an autograph to someone,

so, I thought maybe
I could give you something.

-What is it?
-Can I give you something?

[laughing]

Could I? Could I give you
something, Mr. Kaufman?

First, if you tell us
what it is.

Sure, I'll accept something
from my fans.

-Oh, you would? Okay.
-Yeah, yeah.

Well, I've got it on me
somewhere, I think. Here.

Here it is. Right here.

-What?
-That's it.

Oh.

There it is, Mr. Kaufman,

'cause I wanted
to give this to you.

I've been sitting there,
and now you have something

from one of your fans,
don't you?

Thank you very much.

Now you can go back
and enjoy the rest of your cake.

I'm ready to puke
in that asshole's face.

Can you eat your ice cream
after that?

Yeah, I'll just pretend
I didn't see that. Goof.

Goddamn, what a geek.

What an idiot.

I lost my appetite,
but I'm finished anyway.

Well, I'm determined
to eat this ice cream.

I don't want to waste it.

Does it taste good?

Not as good as it tasted
before he got here.

Well, what do you say
to a guy like that?

I was just ready to tell him,

"Hey, fella, you got a booger
hanging loose."

Ahh.

Oh, you know,
I have something here.

I have something
very interesting here.

I bought this in a store
up in San Francisco, actually.

Here, it's along those lines.

-Another booger?
-It's...

If it's not another booger,
I'm happy. Jesus Christ.

It's something you put
in your nose,

and it hangs down.
It looks like a...

Something you put in your nose,
and it hangs down?

Yeah, you buy it, though.
It's in the magic shop.

Here, I'll give you one. Wait.

Now, people ask me
what makes me laugh.

This is what makes me laugh.

If I see someone
walking around like this,

with one of these things.

-Hanging from their nose?
-Yeah.

This is what makes me laugh.

Here it is. See?
See, it's coming through.

What's coming through?

-See this thing here?
-Yeah.

See this,
you buy it in the store.

See, they're... See?

Oh, Christ sake.

-You put it in your nose...
-Ahh.

-You put it in your nose...
-That's as bad as the other guy.

No, this is better,
because it really looks real.

-Well, that looked real, too.
-See, I got three. I sell 'em.

[laughs]
You sell 'em?

You want that one?
Yeah, look.

Let me show you
what to do with them.

-Oh, Christ.
-You take it out, you put it--

See? And you put it--

put it up your nose like this,
and you walk around and shake--

shake people's hands, you know.

[laughs]

See? And you say hello.

They say,
"Hello, are you Andy Kaufman?"

"Yes, hi, how are you?"
I did this--

And they kind of look at you
like they're embarrassed.

They're embarrassed to tell you
that you got a hunk--

That's right.
They don't say anything.

But they don't bother me.

They won't ask me
for my autograph

after they see that,

and I can walk around
without being bothered.

See? "Hello, how are you?"

"Hi, yes, I'm Andy Kaufman."

Put one in the other nose--
other nostril, too.

Well, no, see, I can't,
because I have to sell these.

[laughs]

Do you want to buy one?
It's a dollar.

Well, if you're--
[laughs]

Let's see.

-Yeah.
-A dollar?

-Yeah, a dollar.
-I'll buy one.

Okay.

Now...

You don't have to give
your agent

none of this money, do you?

No, no.

-But...
-Okay, there you are, Andy.

But I want you to know,

I wore that
in San Francisco on the pier.

-I wore that.
-This one?

That one, yeah.
So, you're--

When you wear it, you--

No, I've used all of them,

but I just want you to know
where--

Oh, yeah. But I always use 'em.
That's the thing about it.

Because, well,
that's why I sell them.

More personal.

If people buy them
from the magic shop,

they get them unused.

If they buy them from me,
they have had--

they put it in their nose,

they are getting the same one
that has been used by a star.

-Oh, great, great, great.
-By a TV star.

That's been in my nose,
now, you put it in--

Now, what if I were to put it
in my keister?

I'd look
like I'd had hemorrhoids.

-That's right.
-[laughs]

-That's right.
-I like that, I like that.

That's right, see? See?

So, whenever I sell it,
I make sure to tell them,

otherwise,
they might not want to buy it.

All right, all right,
you got my buck.

That's right. You got a genuine
nose stick used by Andy Kaufman.

-That's right.
-Yeah.

They make you want to blow
your nose, these things.

-Yeah, I see that.
-Yeah.

You got a little bit
hanging right there.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

-Good?
-Yeah.

It's going.

-It's gone now?
-Here he comes again.

-Oh, I got something for you.
-Oh, shit.

-Here, you want this?
-No, I don't want that.

I just blew my nose with it.

You can buy it used
from Andy Kaufman.

What are you doing?

-Oh, he wants to do it again.
-Oh.

Why don't you get out of here?
Hey, fella.

-[laughs]
-That's not funny.

[laughs]

-That's not funny.
-Not here. No.

Looks like you're getting out
a blackhead or something.

-Holy Christ.
-That's disgusting.

That's something
to remember me by.

You want to buy one from me?

You still got one
in the other nostril.

This has been in my nose.

Or else you didn't get it
all out, the other one.

-Thank you.
-This has been in my nose.

-Here.
-Way up in there.

Holy Christ almighty,
that's a bloody one.

Oh.

Well, I did my dirt.
I did my dirt.

Holy Christ.

Excuse me.

You got to--

Come on,
his drawer is full of crap.

[laughs]

Holy Christ.

And you talked to the guy.
You called him over.

-I thought he was...
-You know what I'm gonna do?

I don't know. For that, you know
what I'm gonna let you do?

What?

I'm gonna let you pay
for the check.

-Okay.
-Jesus Christ.

Well, what if I don't have
any money, though?

-Well, wash dishes.
-We'll wash dishes.

-No, not "we will," you will.
-Oh.

Not I. I didn't call
that asshole over here.

You called him.

Yeah, but I thought--
I didn't know.

You got a hell of a--

I don't know how the hell
you pick up people.

I didn't know he was gonna do
stuff like that.

The only way you met
that girl over here

is I kept saying
she had pretty legs.

Yeah.

Otherwise, you would have never
noticed her.

You kept talking
to the other three weirdos.

Yeah, well,
I'm glad we talked to her.

-Oh, Christ.
-Oh, you know what?

I've got to hold my nose,
because if I smell it too much,

it's gonna make me do
the same thing.

-Oh.
-Ohh.

-Sour smell.
-Do you smell it?

Sour. Sour.

What the hell did he eat?

I want to be sure
I don't order none.

You know what?

That son of a bitch
comes back in,

I'm gonna cut him with my knife.

You carry a knife?

No, but I got a knife here
at the table.

Oh, yeah.

Of course that one
didn't even cut my eggs.

If I smell it, that stuff is
coming through my mouth now.

-Sour smell.
-It's making...

Holy Christ.

You're terrible.

Listen, I'm going
to the bathroom.

-Yeah, yeah.
-I'll be right back.

I think he headed that way, too.

Well, I hope
I don't run into him.

If he's sitting on the doniker,
flush him.

Here's the check, Andy.

-I'll pay it when I come back.
-All right.

Come back.

What the hell ever happened
to the human race?

God. Oh...

[spits]

Oh.

Goddamn.

Oh.

Bleh.

-I'm okay.
-You're okay?

Yeah.

You want to go
to the men's room?

I can't go, I just spit.

[laughs]

I'm sorry to laugh,

but I find it kind of humorous
that the man comes up--

-You find it humorous?
-Yeah.

That the man comes over here

and starts vomiting
all over the table

where we're eating breakfast.

I mean, I, personally, I find
humor in things like that.

You know, in life.

I don't know what the hell world
he comes from.

-Well, do you find it humorous?
- No.

-What do you find it?
-Disgusting.

[laughs]

See, I find it humorous
that you find it disgusting.

That guy, he doesn't have
no trouble eating hot food.

He can always throw up
and eat it again.

That's right.
Oh, that was terrible.

-He was sitting over there.
-Yeah.

-Not saying a thing.
-Minding his own business.

Yeah, and you had
to call him over.

I should have kicked him
right in the groin.

I think we should--

You want to go or--
You want to call it a day?

-Yeah.
-Call it a breakfast.

[mumbles]

-Waitress.
-I can't eat no more anyway.

Is the waitress...?
I think she's having--

-Where's the check?
-She's having a baby.

Oh. Where's the check?

She's laying down there
in a booth someplace.

All I see is her belly.

Oh, so...
Oh, there's the check.

-Where?
-Oh, here. Right here.

-Here.
-Well...

-I'll pick it up, okay?
-Yeah. You got longer arms.

-Come on, let's get going.
-Yeah. Jesus.

I want to thank you.
It's been a really nice morning.

Don't forget your coat. Yeah.

We'll have to do this again
sometime.

Yeah, I guess so.

When your friends aren't around.

-It's not my friend.
-You called him over.

I called him over...

What did I call him over for?
I forgot.

How the hell do I know?
To tell him you're Andy Kaufman.

That's right. That's right.
Well, I wanted him to know.

I wanted him to know.

I want everybody to know
I'm Andy Kaufman.

Well, that's all right. Christ.

I'm Andy Kaufman.
I'm on "Taxi" once a week.

I don't want everybody to know
I'm Freddie Blassie

because I got enough problems.

-Christ.
-Okay.

Well...

-Andy, it's been a pleasure.
-Been a pleasure.

Well, come on, we'll walk out.

-I'll pay the check.
-Okay.

Get on the bus.
Oh, Christ.

Look at that there.

Look, the guy even left
his check here.

He beat them on the tab.

Come over and puke on our table
and didn't even pay his check.

That's terrible.

That's terrible.

Well, I hope I see eggs
out there.

Yeah.

[Kaufman]
I paid for the check,

left the once-crowded
restaurant,

and got on the bus.

As I rode home,

the streets of the city
were alive with memories,

like the first time I saw a bum

puking his guts out
on the sidewalk.

And also, I remembered
walking to school

with little Jimmy Mackaroy,

the fat kid who used
to pick his nose and eat it.

I finally got home

and waited and waited
for that girl Louise to call.

She must have lost my number,
though,

because just before midnight,
some idiot called up,

and then said he must have
the wrong number.

Even though he was
a complete stranger,

I kept him up
for the rest of the night

and told him all about

my breakfast with Blassie.